#i'm fine i'm fine (i truly am not)

[essektheylyss]

it's unrealistic that barbarians drop rage just because they haven't attacked or been attacked by anyone in 6 seconds, I sat in 40 minutes worth of traffic caused by government negligence and it's gonna take me another 40 minutes just to stop feeling like I could throw a car through DOT's front window with my bare hands

#truly just. traffic in general? fine I'm fine I'm cool and totally normal. #traffic caused by dot just deciding NOT to tell anybody they were closing an entire section of the highway at 7pm on a saturday? KILL #anyway im home now but we did not go to the gym because of it and i am Angery

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #to be honest my stage 2 was just drawing the same picture of Helena Bonham Carter everyday #I still have the folder #friends not only did I drive a BIKE recently I also drove a CAR #all on my own!! （*´▽｀*） #It was very scary and I cried a few times but I did it #in the beginning I had to do a few night shifts in a different city and there was to other way to get there and in the end it was fine #I wonder what other things I am scared of are secretly fine #phonecalls? math?? （●´･△･｀） #I am actually avoiding math right this moment #I've decided to learn how to sew a skirt and did you know that sewing is secretly math #I did not know and now the skirt is very short and the living room is covered in yarn and I have not done any actual sewing yet #but I will do it and maybe its just like driving and you just have to cry a little and then it will be fine #the only truly bad thing that happened while driving is that I got into a thunderstorm one time #and it was night and there were 300 trucks going to opposite way #I tried to focus on the Lizzo song on the radio but I was also crying #if you were a truck driver and you saw a woman 2 months a go at night driving a car crying while singing Juice! Juice! (´；д；`) #I'm fine I hope you didn't also cry #have a nice day friends!! #I hope you're doing well!! ♥ :) #I will now go back to the skirt

[starflungwaddledee]

it's the day before my birthday, and my girlfriend surprised me with an outing to a local bird aviary/botanic gardens in the mountains!!!

this was an absolute delight for me, known bird enjoyer, and i got to have many cute and phenomenal birds perched on my head (which i loved and plushie magolor 'tolerated', on account of it being my birthday). i even got to see a nicobar pigeon, which i had never seen in person before!

they also surprised me with an early birthday present to use at the incredible mountain-top picnic spread my gf planned (😭😭) of this extraordinarily cute kirby themed liquid-glitter cup!!

and of course, in true starflung fashion i injured myself twice

once, not three minutes into the outing when my umbrella (which i only require because i'm allergic to both the sun and sunscreen) bit me, and my gf had to run to reception to get me a bandaid. later, when i just totally fkn stacked it on some loose gravel on a slope and i got the umbrella back by slamming it into the ground, along with my knees and one palm. but not the other palm, which was holding plushie magolor, who touched neither gravel nor dirt and never will while i still breathe!

#i am so accident prone and also stupidly fragile in every way. but i'm fine and i found both of these incidents hilarious! #i feel it is important that everybody know that my mum (who has dementia but recognises plushie magolor) asked “is that magolor” when- #she saw meta knight on the cup. i said “no that's meta knight” and she replied “oh i should have known. he's not as cute as magolor.” #and magolor's ego grew THREE TIMES that day let me tell you #the cup is also extremely important as a gift actually. i recently accidentally smashed a childhood glitter cup i've had my whole life #i adored it to bits; comfort item; it had toucans on it. i was quite devastated when it broke #but it's been impossible to replace (despite my gf's best efforts) and we knew no substitute would really hit the same. #but THIS is similar enough yet different enough and so *perfect* in its own right that it really... fills the spot. #my gf is phenomenal at gifts and surprises. truly she is unfathomable. i am so spoiled 🥺 #7inch plushie magolor return to dreamland #he does have other bows btw!! he's been dressing up for halloween and christmas and such but this is his Party Bow! #starflungs personal tag

[ride-a-dromedary]

Alright, the jack in the box is wound, and the coherence is coming to me. Halsin and the dryad, I was talking about his response if the PC indicates that he is most comfortable after a supper large enough to induce hibernation:

"Mindless gorging...? No, that is not right. I did not realize you thought that of me."

And why this keeps catching in my mind is not necessarily what he says, but how he says it (so I am commending Dave Jones' voice acting here). The rest of Halsin's responses to incorrect answers are generally even toned and corrective; firm, usually, but not inherently overly emotional. Much like a teacher correcting a student. But this one...he sounds genuinely surprised and taken aback that the PC would even suggest that. The "no, that is not right" is even firmer on its heels. And the last part...the last part, his voice is smaller. Less forward. I would not go so far as to suggest hurt, but it is approaching that territory. It comes so fast after his firm no, that it almost sounds like something that slipped by accident. Like something that was meant to be muttered under the breath, but it slipped from him because the surprise was so organic.

Alone, it doesn't mean too much. It's a slight offense to an obviously nonfactual statement. And that's likely all it is. I'm about to read too deep into this, I am aware.

But combined with the other things spread throughout Halsin's dialogue, particularly the implication that he is otherwise used to people making commentary on his physical appearance or the physicality of his being, it suggests an extra layer of hurt. An extra layer of: "I did not expect this from you, of all people." Not quite a betrayal, but approaching one.

What makes it particularly catching, is that one of the things you are able to wrench (and I say wrench because getting Halsin to share mundane personal details about himself is a production - and it makes *sense* it's a production if a. We keep in mind that Halsin himself doesn't seem all too sure who he is beyond his preoccupation - which elves are prone to but Halsin also just has...a lot on his plate that have evidently stunted his identity formation - to the point where he even claims he was forgetting who he was, and b. If he is used to questions concerning himself and his experience leading into questions regarding his sex life or his physical activities, see: the companion banter with Wyll and Karlach, he likely...doesn't really keep ready details about himself personally on tap anymore. He's so unused to people being interested in Halsin, that he's taken aback when they are. It becomes the "In the moment, I forget everything and anything I like to do for fun" mentality - no one really cares about what I like to do anyway - if you will. He even goes so far as to joking that the PC may be a doppelganger because *why else would they want to know these things*) out of Halsin when you ask him about himself is that he has a sweet tooth. That he likes honey, and people find that amusing. He chuckles, but his face falls, evidently prepping for the PC to make a similar comment (and he attempts to beat you to the joke about that, though a PC can still call that "on the nose" to which he responds that there is little point in denying oneself if it doesn't hurt anybody - indulging isn't a bad thing). If the PC instead chooses that he should pay little attention to what others think, he gives that infamous: "sometimes I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt" line. Which implies - regardless of whether he verbalizes it or not - things in this thread hurt his feelings. Comments or assumptions about his body and his person hurt his feelings. He won't say it, but they do. The PC is likely aware of this by this point in the relationship.

Halsin does not otherwise bring up eating or food to any level of significance or directness - the sweet tooth comment was the only time (you could assume outside of canon interactions that they've had other conversations between them and that perhaps this was brought up, but we are going to base this solely in what Halsin reveals in canon). He brings up hibernation, but specifically the sleeping part of it. Nothing else.

So, the PC then potentially goes ahead and makes an assumption of him during the dryad. How'd they arrive at this conclusion, as it obviously surprises Halsin that they did? It reads, very much, that the PC is making this assumption based on the comment about his sweet tooth, his comment on indulgence, and his physicality (note: the ha ha bear and hibernation thing almost seems like an afterthought - Halsin latches *very* quickly onto the "mindless gorging" part). All things that he has shown very evident discomfort (which is ironic because the question is when he feels most comfortable) or hesitance towards (he claims there is nothing wrong with indulgence, but never seems to indulge himself beyond sex, if that. Gee, what does that remind you of?)

Halsin entrusted this individual with this information, as frivolous as it was, potentially revealed that it hurts his feelings when people make assumptions of him, and this individual then went used that information and made the assuming connection: "So, this is a big man. He said he liked sugar, so he must like to eat and indulge. It must be his favourite thing to do because look at him." I am going to essentially ignore everything else I could have possibly heard, and make a bear hibernation joke that has nothing to do with sleeping being a comfort, but emphasize the eating part.

So, yeah, he's a little taken aback - incredulous, you might say. A little hurt. Resigned, almost. Because at that point, you can make a very logical assumption that Halsin came to a very quick snap realization that perhaps this person was not so different from the others as he thought. That it always eventually comes back to that. What else was he expecting? When has it ever been any different for him?

#BG3 Musing #Halsin Posting #does this make sense i don't think it does but it's like...jumping from a - z based on assumption and you know what they say about that #note: this isn't actually this deep i am just making it this deep - also yes i'm aware it probably means none of this #i have a degree in bullshit #but this is also why halsin should have had a legitimate bear like build of a body #i understand why he didn't - but this is *verbatim* what fat individuals receive as assumptions on their person #*all the time* that oh you must overindulge yourself you must eat a lot you must you MUST #and in that thread of thought of halsin's relationship with his body #there's also something to say when halsin says 'my ears are all yours...any part of me is yours should you wish it' #because he *begins* by offering his sympathy and understanding...but follows it up with 'but if i am more valuable to you in this way #then that's fine too - i'm used to that' #almost parallels (inadvertently) astarion's: #'i think i'll enjoy having halsin around not for his wit or wisdom he'll just make an excellent shield if we're attacked' #he's self aware #and in regards to how halsin sees his body as a separate entity - a. body dysmorphia and b. i don't think he truly does #halsin claims he sees his body as a vessel to serve nature and wrinkles his nose at vanity - but i feel there is enough old hurt in him #that this can never be true of him even is he so desperately wishes it was #does he have a level of confidence in himself? obviously he does - but it is marred - it's an exchange #there's always going to be that little voice in the back

[madamescarlette]

don't you love when you're like, okay now I'm going to leave this sorrow in the old year so I don't turn into a crotchety bitter person over it, and then you walk on feeling all refreshed and bright no longer carrying it on your shoulders, but then the sorrow wanders after you like a child who was lost in the supermarket weeping its eyes out and it says to you where did you GO I was lost! I was lost and I missed you!!! and you can only sigh and take it by its hand and say to it very well. here's your seat. I'm sorry I left you behind, I promise it was with the best of intentions, but I want to do my best by you, so let's sit together and try to figure out what you're saying to me.

#thinking out loud #i'm truly like. ok i'm mostly fine i'm a little bit going through it because it's harshest month of winter and it's always weird this month #but i just think it's so funny that i have to be like OH you don't suddenly stop....hurting over something because you decided to! #if you were missing someone who was important to you two months ago by golly you probably still will two months from then!! #weird how that be! anyway #it's funny to me because it's like the opposite of object impermanence #i used to think i was all heart no head and that there's a part of me that went hard in the opposite direction to counteract that #but i am still as much as heart as i ever was except now i have my logical side going yip yip girl we gotta go!!! let's go!!! #and the heart is like holding up a shakey hand going oh lads you go on without me...i just need to catch my breath for like....15 years #anyway anyway. the narrative is indeed kind but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting sometimes #but! we can do the best that we can and take our troubles by their hands and learn what we can from them and it will all be okay in the end #(i hope this post isn't too complainy or miserable. i may take it down later but i feel the need to say it somewhere.) #regardless of that. happy Friday my friends I love you all dearly bless you for being near me <3 <3

[gideonisms]

The thing about my parents is I will text them like "love you there's a potential gun incident" etc and then after the all clear and I'm home they will ask like. So how was the rest of your day. I....well, it was bad! Idk what you want me to say. Like the morale was low

#extreme mood whiplash tbh #sometimes i truly feel like i am making small talk on the deck of the titanic #not to air my personal life but i'm airing it #i think it is sweet in a way that maybe they just don't know what to say but want to hang on to the hope that i'm doing fine #and like i am in that you just keep living until you don't and i don't worry about that so much anymore #but.

[all-chickens-are-trans]

what if i rewrote much ado with beatrice and benedick both being transmasc. you couldn't stop me. no one could. i am right. they were girl best friends and there was definitely a spark and then one night, they were both like. hey i am actually a boy I think, and benedick was like, let's go run away to the army together and be boy bestfriends but beatrice stayed home and in the closet while benedick went and joined the army as a guy and made new boy bestfriends like don pedro and claudio, and beatrice was jealous and envied him and when benedick came back, it was strange between them but they covered it up with jokes and banter, and when the cis ppl of messina were all like "let's play a prank on them and tell them they're in love haha wouldn't that be funny" they didn't realize that they were doing these two a huge favour and now they're t4t and gay and because beatrice is still not out to anyone but benedick, they can both go ":) look at us, a normal heterosexual couple, totally acceptable to the society we live in :)" they are gay t4t transmascs i know it in my heart i knowww

(this post was sponsored by me beta reading @rovermcfly 's brilliant benedick x beatrice t4t essay that will hopefully drop soon because god i need everyone to read it and weep with me)

#much ado about nothing #i am so fucking hype #it is almost 2am also and i have work in the morning :) #william shakespeare #maan #also i say no one can convince me otherwise but i am also fully a 'beatrice is a trans woman' truther #same goes for ben who could be transmasc or transfem or nonbinary or whatever #just. transmasc ben holds a special guy in my heart because imagine if you could pick a name any name. and you choose a dick joke #because you have none #'the dick is in name only' #he'd say that for sure #i'm fine i'm fine (i truly am not) #my posts #shakespeare

[scorndotexe]

gave up on dnd. one day i'll get to dm.......

btw this WHOLE thing was about 3 sessions at the most. this is not fucking curse of strahd

#i said ''if we can't even find a spare hour for the session 0 we should not be playing dnd'' #and only one person replied with ''okay we can leave it. or if you want come back to it another time'' #I WANT TO PLAY #IT'S LITERALLY SUPPOSED TO BE A 1-3 SESSION GAME. #IT IS NOT A MAJOR TIME COMMITMENT. I WANT TO PLAY! #but it is NOT working out. don't make this about me. i'm trying my fucking best with what i'm given #''june 3rd that's a date that's alright with everyone let's do our session 0 then. not ideal but it's fine'' #''um i'm very busy i'll have to check'' #WE MADE A CALENDAR FOR THIS #''okay since the session 0 will happen later rather than sooner as i would have liked can everyone make their characters before then? #just the basics at least'' #[no one replies] #thanks guys! thank you all! i truly love how excited you are to play dnd. thank you for being noncommital and silent #so i'm done. #either they say ''yes kaz that time works great i'm glad we figured this out'' #or we don't play #3 SESSIONS. LITERALLY 3 SESSIONS OF GAMEPLAY. AT MOST. #IT'S LIKE 2-3 HOURS A SESSION #ALL THIS. ABOUT A FEW HOURS. COME ON YOU'D BE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES ANYWAY #okay. i'm done. i am genuinely done. unless they say some other shit. #in that case i'll be back #persimmon's rambles

[moonybadger]

(slight spoilers for ISAT, but just broad stuff no details)

I can't tell if it's because I'm a biased super fan of In Stars and Time or if it's just because due to work I had to space my playthrough of it out over the course of a week or so, but I keep reading reviews that say "wow this is really good but it does have a repetitive section later on in the game, so I'll understand if you can't deal with that!!" and every time I see it I'm just like???? I have no idea what section anyone is talking about????

I don't think I found the game repetitive at any stage. I might have just gotten lucky on that last "guess which route you need to take" section, but even then I went back and double checked the other passages just cause I was curious about what was there. Which you're rewarded for doing, like the extra good scene you get with Bonnie for checking the book and you do need to get into the astronomy room in the story ANYWAY so you gotta know it's there. And I'm a chronic dialogue hunter so every loop through I'd still double check everything for A) New dialogue, usually from Siffrin, which the game was very good about rewarding me for and B) because I kept trying to trigger that scene that's in the prologue where if you act weird enough your friends will confront you about it (I never did trigger this, but I read somewhere that you can if you also check the wishology and timeology craft books in the same loop?). And this is coming from someone who did a full run with everyone's personal quests done like. Three times. And I hardly ever fast forwarded until near the very end of playthrough and unless something was on the third floor I would just go in through the front door on most loops. So I gotta politely disagree with reviews saying some parts of it get repetitive!

#truly and with as little judgement as possible: Skill Issue #maybe it's just my great love of groundhog day stories that makes me immune #I've ingested so many time loop stories that I'm mostly like #ah siffrin actually got out of this one pretty quickly compared to other time loop stories #if I'm comparing this to groundhog day: this is if Phil got out of his time loop when he kidnapped the groundhog and drove off a cliff #most time loop main characters reach that pit of despair and then have to just keep looping #usually they get forced out of the pit of despair through sheer force of repetition #but they also usually don't have as much control over the loops as Siffrin does #this is not a bad thing at all I am just a time loop connoisseur #and like comparing the different approaches to time loops like fine wine aromas #bored badgering #in stars and time

[guinevereslancelot]

i have a friend who uses "🙃" as a genuinely happy silly emoji and it's genuinely so jarring to me every time. to me "🙃" can be loosely translated as "i'm in hell" or "i am being passive aggressive"

#like she will say: it's fine 🙃 #and she will genuinely mean it is fine smiley face #and not: i am on the verge of a breakdown and also i'm being passive aggressive af bc i hate you #truly wild #i think this may be the source of our differences #she's not being passive aggressive at all fr #but my reflex is: SHE HATES YOU YOU’RE SO ANNOYING ALL YOUR FRIENDS HATE YOU

[saintfaulkners]

one of my housemates is so fucking sensitive it turns me into a person I do not like

#like i always thought /i/ was 'overly' sensitive but my god. you cannot say ANYTHING around her #every little thing is too much for her everything is a trigger everything makes her tell you it wasn't okay for you to say around her or not #warning her about first like my sister in christ how the fuck should i have known this was a problem for you #maybe print out a trigger list and send it to all of us or something #but breathing is probably on there so #truly i hate how i sound i don't want to be like this but she's just playing the victim so severely it makes me aggressive it's like. primal #and I don't care when she flees from the room all the time when we're just having normal conversations because honestly I'm glad when she's #gone but she projects her issues onto everyone and everything around her like she cannot comprehend that maybe she has a fucking problem and #should maybe learn to deal with the fucking world #people aren't horrible for simply existing around you being themselves like. ny god it just makes me so furious #like i am AWARE that i have deficits; things that are easy for other people or come natural to them that i have issues with and that's fine #I'm learning to live in my way #and i can still love myself and not blame myself for having these problems without turning everyone around me and the whole fucking world #into the problem instead #i don't know if I'm even conveying what i mean #it's just this fucking victim complex that's driving me up the walls #she sees herself as so innocent and actually she's treating people like shit #man do i wish i could smoke about this

[yeonban]

I might be ~quirky~ for this (welcome to my twisted mind and etc) but I genuinely have so much fun with shipping nowadays, ever since I chose to be singleship for each muse. I feel like my adhd has never allowed me to pour even half as much care and attention into a ship as I'd have loved to when I had multiple ones at the same time per muse, so being able to focus on a single romantic dynamic per muse really feels like a weight off my shoulders

#* ooc. / posts. #I also know my adhd is all over the place so at times I may go a few months w/o bringing that specific muse (and thus ship) up #(unless you approach me in dms; in which case my mind typically instantly goes !!! on the muse & ship) #so I'm INCREDIBLY touched whenever my ship partners agree to be singleship w me. It's truly such an honor and blessing to me #and I feel like it's much easier for my muse to get very attached when their romantic attention only goes to a single person; #so you can best believe that from the moment we start shipping your portrayal will ALWAYS. and I mean /ALWAYS/ be intertwined with mine #doesn't matter if you drop the muse or leave tumblr or stop writing altogether. your muse will Always be my muse's special someone #I've had tons of ships where my partner disappeared off the face of the earth one day and yet all I've done was change 'singleship' #to 'noship' bc my muse's heart to this day (several irl years later) continues to be with their portrayal; REFUSING to look at anyone else #Granted this is also why I'm so picky with shipping; in the sense that I let my muse lead the way til they fall in love #and only THEN do I ask the mun if they're fine w our muses being a thing (and thus being singleship w me) #I used to say yes to people just asking to ship and while I know that's a neat option too; I simply. Cannot do that these days ADGHSAJDSDK #nothing against anyone nor against that route; but I've had a good share of ships that crumbled or made me lose muse bc my muse wasn't #feeling the ship. so I'm no longer going ahead unless the muse falls first and makes ME start shipping it rather than the other way around #and that decision has unironically made me feel so light and comfortable here AHDSAJDSKDJ #AH NEY WAYZ!! I need to be sedated bc why am I awake at 11 am. I HAVE NOT SLEPT.

[crescentfool]

beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something 💙

#lizzy speaks #the human brain works in such profound ways i think #lately i've been thinking about that post that was like 'you will always be your oldest friend take care of yourself' #it's definitely a sentiment i agree with and i appreciate how it emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to yourself #you wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends right? (or at least i'd hope so) #so why would you say it to yourself? #you are your own friend too. and i think everyone has a beautiful soul within themselves. nurture it! water it! feed it good thoughts. #basically i wish everyone a 'i hope that your brain is not your own enemy but rather a friend that you can find comfort in' #things will work themselves out with time. there's beauty in life and you will find small delights to cherish!! i am manifesting it for u!! #and for those who find it difficult to transition from a self-critical mindset to one that's more compassionate and nonjudgmental #i truly think that with time you will be able to rewire your brain to be kinder to yourself. i'm proud of you for taking any first steps :) #there are times in which it feels counterintuitive to go against habits that feel hard-wired... but brains are very malleable littel guys- #with such a wonderful capacity for changing and learning new things. so i hope everyone can learn to be their own best friend! #not to undermine the importance of a support network ofc. that's good too and im all for that!! but i hope everyone remembers to be kind- #not only to others but also to themselves!! you're going to do great out there!! i love you all!! #ive just been thinking about this a lot... i needed to get it out there. you all shine so brightly!!! we shall be fine!!! have a good week! #sorry if this is out of nowhere but if there's anything about me you should know it's that i'm the 'hey dont cry 8 billion people on earth- #ok?' post. idk i just find great joy in knowing others are out there thriving and finding a daily delight yknow i love humanity!!

[takiki16]

A Fine Chain

UPDATE: Chapter 15/?

Fandom: Jupiter Ascending

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Beta: @gallifreyburning

Relationships: Jupiter Jones/Caine Wise

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Light Dom/sub, Power Imbalance, Royalty, Slavery, Collars, Leashes, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Don’t copy to another site, Dark

Summary: Caine Wise, disgraced ex-Skyjacker and convicted criminal, is suddenly inducted into the service of the enigmatic Queen Nea-Seraphi, mysterious new Recurrence and puzzle to the Entitled social circle. While figuring out the boundaries of his new station, worrying about his old commander, and nursing old wounds from his court martial, Caine finds himself slowly being drawn into the confidence of his royal employer. What could Her Majesty possibly want with a defective splice?

In which Caine experiences a Night of Revelations, and Nea-Seraphi experiences another tragedy in a long line of tragedies.

#a fine chain #jupiter ascending #ja fic #jupiter ascending fic #jupiter jones #caine wise #y'all i am three chapters ahead and chapter 19 has a solid outline i don't know why i'm depriving myself of the pleasure of POSTING #that 5+ year hiatus truly did scare me as far as burning up my leads #but ANYWAY. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS ONE #i feel very oddly protective of ik'thiara since they are my first proper OC EVER #i know they have been Suspicious in the past and i have low key been looking forward to a chance to drop their Tragic Backstory

[altschmerzes]

still working on this ‘fuck a ‘forgive your abuser’ arc’ 3x11/3x12 fix it fic and it’s like 13.5k gd help me

#gav gab #ted lasso spoilers #writing liveblog #I SIMPLY HAVE A LOT TO SAY #i worry it's turning out like....... preachy or Not Characterful or whatever #bc i truly don't want it to just be a psa about why this shit sucks #and i truly don't believe a lot of how that was handled was In Character - AT LEAST NOT THE WAY THEY DID IT #(i can believe ted could make a mistake like that is what i mean but the narrative Did Not frame it as a mistake) #(as something he said because he was clouded by his own baggage - WHICH IS FINE but that is Not how they portrayed it) #(and i believe the other people in jamie's life if they knew that had happened would uh) #(have SOME THINGS to say about it) #(and in general no we will not be endorsing 'being abused made you who you are (positive)' no sir not on my watch) #anyways #i truly am operating by what i think is In Character and an Engaging story to tell #(i.e. it's jamie trying to force himself down the 'forgive your dad or at least Try To you know For You!' path and uh #having a bit of a breakdown because of it) #but i worry it's gonna Come Off Badly yknow #anyways kicks this tag ramble under the couch #i'm writing it anyway because frankly i need it after all of that abuse apologist mess #and i'm continually bothered by a lot of people also saying that the forgiveness thing was Fine and Good but actually contacting james #was where they drew the line #bc im like no that was. also a really fucking shitty thing to have happen #if it had JUST been the 'forgive. For You.' thing? it would still suck #bc that was a very fast interaction with ZERO nuance or awareness of how fucking loaded and brutalizing forgiveness as a concept is #to a LOT of abuse victims/survivors bc of the way it's been weaponized against us #if you mean 'let go and put it down/stop carrying it/be free of it/etc' then say that. forgiveness is just too far gone for me at this point #abuse ment

[gideonisms]

explaining my lifestyle: no see this looks like horrible depression but I actually feel much better than I did when I was putting work into improving myself ♥️

#my apartment looks fine and average and my grades are fine and average #my skin looks fine and average my clothing is just okay my relationships aren't in the trash fire #yes i spend 10-12 hours a day zoning out or doing stuff unrelated to anything i'm supposed to be doing #yes i only leave this apt a few times a week #yes i struggle to eat enough sleep at consistent times and turn stuff in on time #but being kind of dysfunctional is incredibly relaxing #i go to bed actively hoping i'll wake up! like i will be there going oh hope i get to live the whole year/decade/next fifty years so i can #do my fun activities! #idk if this is actually true but it *feels* like the very first time since i was 18 that nothing is on fire #love to not be actively on fire #i think everyone should experience 'oh man i've been exhausted for a decade and i am going to spend most of a year being weird about it' #you truly have to work it out of your system it makes you hateful and anxious otherwise