#i wrote this fic 8 months ago. and every time i got close to posting it id go
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(haha happy new year! Heres 6K words of DL ranchers fighting 🤩 [ao3])
dull&slow
There was no feeling like a respawn; it was like jumping off of a building with nothing below to catch you, only to discover you had in fact been fastened into a harness when the bungee cord snapped taut. Except, it also wasn’t like that at all, because the mechanics of respawning—regardless of permanence—did nothing to curb the feeling of death, the actual sensation of dying. All it really did was remove the relief that one might experience had death been final, for what is death but a merciful release from pain?
Jimmy imagined that there were few things that could even begin to feel like what a respawn did—the simultaneous cracking of all your joints at once in a manner akin to a human glow stick; ice cream that had been left out on the counter to melt but was then shoved back into the freezer again after only making it to that indescribably viscous stage between solid and liquid; a jam in a paper shredder—the kind where half of the page is relieved and sticking out of the top, completely intact and fine, while the rest is in ribbons below, still warm to the touch at the recent dismemberment.
And that was only the physical aspect—the violent draw of your subconscious from the brink of death to perfect health mid-panic was something else entirely. It never got any easier, no matter how many times he did it (and Jimmy did it a lot).
This was their second respawn, but it was different in the way that it happened unlike it did the first time: together. It was new but not unexpected to shoot up in bed at the ranch, cows mooing to his left and moonlight peaking through the window to his right. Jimmy heaved some breaths in and out; logically, he knew he was fine, but his body remembered the vertigo of falling.
Tango was next to him, still lying back in their small bed staring at the ceiling.
For a few beats, they were quiet, they caught their breath. The buzz of the cicadas outside was heavy in a way, droning alongside the cacophony of cows and the muted clucks of chickens from below ground.
When his eyes began to itch and dry out from staring at nothing and his heaving sounded more like huffing, Jimmy broke the silence first.
“I was leanin’ over the edge…why was I leaning over the edge?” His words were incredulous and barely there, only formed enough to actually get them out of his mouth but not any further. Had Tango not been right next to him, he probably wouldn’t have heard.
Tango sat up, “Jim, hey–hey!” One of Tango’s hands reached behind Jimmy and settled on his shoulder, the other moved across himself to settle on Jimmy’s arm. “It’s okay! It’s only our second life, it was bound to happen sooner or la—”
Jimmy blinked out of his daze to realize Tango was soothing him; It was not shocking in the way it hadn’t happened before—it had actually, in fact, happened quite often—but in the way it was happening now. the combination of noises pushing in all around the ranch, having just lived through dying, again, and Tango’s warmth that he would’ve appreciated any other time, made it all immediately too much. Tango was soothing him—Tango misunderstood.
It was instinct to throw Tango’s arm off of him, to scatter, to stand and create distance, and had Jimmy been in the right state of mind he would’ve explained that and apologized, but Tango’s shocked offense was the last thing he was focusing on.
“No, you—why was I leaning over the edge?”
It was the only thought that had run through his head since he’d woken up and stopped feeling like an egg mid-scramble. Not worry about being on red life, not concern about having been the one to return the favor of killing Tango this time, not upset that things were shaping up like they always did.
Tango wasn’t necessarily wrong to assume that that’s where Jimmy’s thoughts had gone, as that’s usually where they would have. But this was not Jimmy when he was anxious, when he was guilty; This was Jimmy when he was mad.
He was pacing, but he wasn’t aware when it had started. He was just—he couldn’t stop thinking about fish. Or—no, not fish, parasites; there was this parasite he’d heard about that matures in the eye of a fish but reproduces in the belly of a bird. Jimmy had heard this and thought what a stupid, impossible thing—and he’d thought he had shit luck.
That was until he’d heard the rest. Under control of the parasite, infected fish swim closer and closer to the surface of the water, leading it to be spotted and picked up by a bird; the parasite ends up where it needed to be all along, and that damned stupid fish is what gets it there. It doesn’t know what it’s doing, it’s not choosing to swim near the surface—by that point, the parasite is choosing for it—but it’s still—
It just—
The fish gets itself eaten, essentially. The scariest part, Jimmy thought, was that he wasn’t sure the fish even knew. Was it aware it had been infected? Or was it swimming up and up and up and thinking what the fuck am I doing? Was it resting precariously below the surface, watching in fear as the birds circle, knowing all it had to do to avoid being eaten was swim the fuck back down, but for some reason, it just couldn’t?
Jimmy just—why was he leaning over the edge? His hands were wrapped around his stomach, griping his sides, hard. His teeth were grinding together, or he was biting his lip, or he was mumbling nonsense that even he didn’t know what meant.
The floorboards of the ranch creaked and groaned with his pacing, and Tango remained watching from the bed, his face still painted in confusion.
A noise—something caught between a whine and a grumble—worked its way out of Jimmy's throat, and more words came with it.
“I saw them with their bows and arrows out—Joel, Etho, Scott—and I—” He shook his head. “We’d have been fine if I just didn’t peak my head over!”
Jimmy turned back to Tango and pointed at him; Tango blinked, but the accusation delivered wasn’t for him. “And they weren’t even shooting at Grian, at—why weren’t they shooting at anyone else?”
Tango shook his head a little, opened his mouth to reply, but Jimmy wasn’t done. “I don’t understand—I don’t—” he grabbed at his hair and pulled; he bit into his lip again, not stopping when it started to hurt even though he knew Tango must’ve felt the ghost of it too. Jimmy rocked in place, “I even thought it. I thought ‘what are you leaning over the edge for, idiot!’ And then!”
Jimmy spun, but no form of movement could match the direction of his thoughts, the restlessness of his mind. He felt like he was malfunctioning, every action begun and then subsequently aborted in favor of another; as if he could stop it all if he could just get himself to feel physically how he felt mentally, equilibrium a sort of saving grace.
Jimmy hit himself in the head once like he could knock things back into place, fix whatever was loose in there–get the paper to start shredding again; in pieces, maybe, things would be okay. There was a call behind him of stop that, hey, none of that! and the bed creaked as Tango finally made the move to stand.
“I don’t understand,” Jimmy mumbled again. They were inside, but his hair still felt the wind ruffle through it as though he were at high altitude; his hands touched nothing, but he could grip the hardwood of the defense tower all the same, rough and splintering. Joel and Etho had stood so far below, looking up, each with a hand up to their eyes to shield them from the sun. Jimmy remembered every detail about that moment—Grian had been leaning over right next to him. “Stupid parasite and it—why weren’t they shooting at anyone else? All I had to do was not lean over…”
Jimmy startled when Tango spoke again, he’d forgotten for a moment he wasn’t alone.
“I don’t follow—parasite? What pa—”
Right, he wasn’t alone.
“Gosh, and I’ve killed you, too, we’re–we’re red!” Jimmy said, facing Tango again. “And we’re back to nothing, we’ve lost everything—the horns, they’d have taken them by now, surely.” The anger from before seeped back into his voice, and Tango kept his space; a part of Jimmy felt bad at that, but he mostly felt validated. The guilt would come later, his chest didn’t house the room to feel so many things at once.
Though space didn’t mean Tango was willing to stay out of things completely.
“Jimmy, just hold on, I can’t keep up.” Tango was clearly still thrown by the direction things had gone in—he’d been expecting to reassure, not pacify—but Jimmy didn’t have it in him to stop and explain. His hands out like he was corralling a feral animal, he said, “What are you even…? Slow down, alright.”
And maybe that was the last straw—his soulmate, known for his rage, asking him to calm, to slow down; the stark contrast between the Tango standing in front of him—hands splayed, face confused but determined—and the Tango who’d needed to be restrained as the ranch smoldered behind them; the fact that it was Jimmy who was being looked at like a time bomb with not even 5 seconds left to spare.
This time, the accusation was meant for Tango, and Jimmy watched him stumble a little in shock when he received it. He threw his hand out like he’d needed that extra strength to pull the question from him, like his throat wasn’t up for the challenge alone, like he had to prove this was something he wanted to start and start now.
“Why aren’t you mad?”
Tango’s face wound up with disbelief. “What?”
Jimmy’s voice wasn’t made to be raised, but he gave it his best effort. It hurt, in a way—his throat not used to the coarse delivery; it hurt more for the fact that he’d made Tango the object of its direction.
“You’re sitting here, and you’re calm,” he spat. “And—and you’re telling ME to be calm! Me!” Jimmy huffed again at the ridiculousness of the entire situation. “Why aren’t you mad?”
This time as Jimmy spoke, Tango wound down; he visibly CTRL+ALT+DLT-ed, a total system shutdown reboot. His hands dropped back to his sides and he stood up straighter. His face reset until he was just blankly watching Jimmy sputter and steam. He was still in a way Tango rarely was.
Jimmy thought it was the most un-Tango-like thing he’d ever seen, and that just made things worse.
“Because it was going to happen either way, I could’ve just as eas—” its delivery was flat, like Tango knew he was stepping off of a bear trap but onto a landmine; though he did it anyway, and in most circumstances, his dedication to the idea of if at first you don’t succeed! was something Jimmy found endearing. If it wasn’t clear enough already, this was not most circumstances.
Jimmy made a noise of dissent. This wasn’t—
“No, not—that’s not what I meant.”
A few beats of silence. They argued with the awkward hesitation of two people who’d never fought before and therefore didn’t know the procedure; neither of them had had time to memorize their lines. Fight was something they didn’t do—partially because they hadn’t been together long enough to garner the need, and partially because they got along with a simplicity they hadn’t expected. There was a question in this lapse between one comment and the next, an are we really going to do this?
Tango blinked at Jimmy. “You don’t mean why am I not mad at you?”
It would’ve been an easy out if he had. A way to walk them back to familiar ground—the kind where Jimmy was apologetic and guilty and anxious and Tango was steady and reassuring and kind.
He couldn’t lie and say that wasn’t part of it; he was a liability, and he would never be over Tango being his collateral damage.
He looked away from Tango, “Well—”
“Jimmy…” Pity was such an ugly, regretful thing.
“No! No—yes, that’s not what I mean.” And it really wasn’t—at least, not at first, not completely. That was the undertone that would drive all his decisions and thoughts and feelings, it’s true, but this was different. This was—they’d died, Jimmy killed them, and Tango wasn’t upset about it; moreover, Tango was docile, passive. He was—
“Then I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”
—resigned.
Jimmy didn’t yet look back, because he knew it would be his turn to talk when he did. All that he had to explain lacked the rationale to be said aloud; simply put, he was mad because Tango wasn’t.
“You’re gonna have to give me something to go off of here, Jim.”
Eyes still fixed resolutely on the wall, Jimmy repeated the only sentiment he really could express at the time. “You’re not mad…” He let the end trail off, embarrassed it was all he had to offer, knowing it was unfair to Tango, knowing a normal person would’ve been able to voice more; just another way Jimmy fell behind.
“At?”
“At anything!” He was discovering that when he did yell, his voice got high, and he tended to cut off the ends of his words. They shortened, got sucked up into the emotion until they weren’t letters anymore but sounds. “You’re—I had to restrain you, practically, after Scar burned down the ranch! And I wasn’t there, but I heard about last life and I—”
He felt like his sentences were being recorded in takes; start and stop, start—stop, mark! He would sound so much better edited together. He needed a script, surely he’d be able to say the right words had someone else given them to him. He’d do it right then, he knew. Of course arguing, too, was something he wasn’t good at.
Jimmy gestured at Tango, “You’re not mad, at anything, you’re just standin’ here! We’re going to die and it’s like you don’t even…like you’re not upset.” The final clause came out dejected and unsure; it sounded like it belonged to a completely different conversation. If he were reading lines, he’d likely receive notes about consistency and remaining in character. It was hard to do that when he wasn’t sure who he was or was ever supposed to be.
Tango looked no less confused. “That’s how the game works, Jimmy—we’re all going to die at some point.”
“I know that, Tango, I know.” Jimmy bit his lip. “How are you just okay with it?”
Tango’s eyebrows raised in shock, the kind that spoke to his questioning the audacity of something. “Well, I’m not happy about it, bu—”
“You are, though.”
Eyes narrow, frustration finally starting to seep in, Tango said: “No, I’m not.”
“You are!” This felt more tantrum than argument; more whining about not getting his way than making a point about having been wronged; he wasn’t really sure he had been wronged. At least, not by Tango. But he didn’t know how to rewind, he didn’t think there was a going back.
“Damnit, Jimmy, I’m not. You think I want to lose this?”
No, Jimmy didn’t—and that’s why he was so confused.
“Then why aren’t you angry that’s what I don’t…” This line of questioning wasn’t going to work—he’d already discovered that again and again. He needed to figure out a different direction to head in. “Even now I’m yellin’ at you and you’re just there.”
“So now you’re mad because I’m not yelling at you?” Annoyance, frustration, irritation—they were close, but none of them were what Jimmy wanted. Or—not what he wanted but what he needed. People were mad at him far too often for him to crave it in this uncommon time when no one was, but he needed to know Tango was with him on this.
“No, Tango!” Jimmy whined.
“Well you’re not explaining anything, what am I supposed to think? That’s what it sounds like you’re saying to me!” His voice finally at an above-normal volume, Jimmy shrunk; reality wasn’t ever quite like expectation, was it? The simultaneous relief mixed with the guilt, and everything got worse; he thought maybe that’d been his goal all along, he could see it now that it had occurred. And yet, it wasn’t right; sure, Tango was mad—but he still didn’t get it. Tango kept rambling.
“You’re mad that I’m not mad, and you say it’s not about you, but then you’re also mad I’m not yelling at you—which I have yet to figure out, by the way, and—”
Following Tango’s wild hand gestures, Jimmy’s eyes landed on their wall of chests, and he knew what he needed to do. He scooted past Tango, who turned to keep facing him, and started rooting around until he found what he was looking for.
“Oh, and you’re ignoring me too, now, which is neat,” Tango said to his back.
He’d wrapped it in a bundle of spare wool hoping that bed made they wouldn’t need much else and Tango wouldn’t find it on accident, but he pulled it out now and turned back to face Tango gripping it in his hand.
His soulmate shut up immediately, his gaze first on Jimmy’s hand, and then up at his eyes.
“Where did you get that.” The anger was finally there, but Jimmy didn’t immediately respond. “Why do you have that?”
The golden apple was cold in his hand, colder than he thought it should have been. It glowed slightly in the darkness of the ranch, a yellow hue that spread out in a dim radius; he had the bizarre thought that it would've made a good nightlight had it not been illegal. Jimmy had always been a bit scared of the dark (he’d been pleased, then, when the game had started and he found that his soulmate glowed just the same). He didn’t need the apple sitting on the lid of their chests to provide light—not so long as he had Tango; how ironic then that he only got both or none, that consuming—and therefore getting rid of—the apple would rid him of Tango, too.
Jimmy didn’t want to be left alone in the dark, but that was sort of why he looked back at Tango and he said, “I think you should eat it.”
“No.” It was both a response and an expression of disbelief rolled into one; a no, this conversation is not happening, not now, and a no way in hell is that thing getting anywhere near my mouth. The stillness was back, but it was more dangerous this time; less resigned, more preparing to strike.
Jimmy repeated himself, lifting his arm and holding the apple between them as he did. “Tango, you should eat it.”
“No.” Tango shook his head. “Jimmy, I said no.”
“Why not?”
“Why not?” A sardonic, humorless laugh made its way out of Tango, and Jimmy flinched at the sound; a broken echo of their usual selves. “This is a joke, right? There’s something here that I’m missing that makes this all super-happy-funny and we’ll laugh about it in 5 minutes.”
“I’m serious, Tango.”
His hands on his hips, Tango nodded at Jimmy as he said, “you are.” It was deceptively compliant, mockingly understanding. Jimmy was misled often enough in conversation to recognize when he was being set up, but he hadn’t quite yet learned the skill of letting things go; he walked again and again through a door labeled trap! which was how he knew he was doing it now.
“Yes...”
“Serious-serious, you’re seriously asking me why I don’t want to eat a golden apple.” Tango doubling down, Tango continuing to misunderstand, the fact that Jimmy couldn’t blame him for any of it, the feeling of everything at once, and the knowledge that all was out of his control; he felt his eyes well up with tears of frustration.
“That’s what I just said...” Dejected, a clown waiting for the punchline—waiting for others to laugh at his expense; setting up joke after joke, forgetting what it was like to not provide the entertainment.
“Well I just wanted to confirm before I informed you that that’s the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked in my entire life.” It was at this point that Jimmy let out a breath, and a tear fell with it. “Like, wow it’s almost an accomplishment how stupid that question is.”
“Tango…” He’d plead but he knew he didn’t have the right—not in this conversation of his own devising. It wouldn’t be a lie to say he didn’t know how they got here, but it wouldn’t be the truth either.
“Really! I’d make you a ribbon to commemorate and everything if we had literally anything to our name at all.”
Catching the opportunity to jump back in, Jimmy took it. “Okay, that—that’s my point.”
“That I haven't offered to make you a rib—”
Jimmy cut Tango off again before he could stuff the conversation with more nonsense in defense. “That we have nothing—have had nothing since we started!”
It was more than just luck—it was design. There came a point where chance ended, a place coincidence didn’t reach. Jimmy had dwelled long enough in the space between unlucky and doomed to know that one was cyclic, intermittent, while the other was ceaseless, fixed. Luck would come and go, but damnation? That kind of fate had been here since before all of them, and would remain long after.
The subject was taboo, but there wasn’t a single person on this server who was unaware that Jimmy was ill-fated. They poked and prodded him about it, but any level of seriousness to the conversation was buried under veiled laughter and slightly glassy eyes; the kind of sheen to a stare that said even if they tried, they couldn’t know what it was they talked about. To everyone else, Jimmy’s “curse” was a bit they’d overindulged in; to Jimmy, it was a burden he wasn’t allowed to acknowledge. They didn’t let him.
He’d thought maybe…Tango was being forced to share it; maybe something would click; maybe they’d let him have this for just a few weeks.
Jimmy didn’t think he could get any more stupid.
The sarcasm remained equipped, defenses high. “Well, I’m sorry that you think I’m not doing enough to provide for you, Jimmy, bu—”
Jimmy groaned again. “Tango can you be serious for 2 minutes! 2 minutes, please!”
“No!” Tango was looking at him in a way he never did; a look that conveyed I cannot believe you, the underlying sentiment of dismissal that hurt more for it coming from the only person who’d ever really listened to him without reservation.“You know what, no, I cannot. If you’re going to start a ridiculous argument you’re going to get ridiculous responses—you don’t like it, too bad.”
Jimmy had been involved in a lot of ridiculous arguments before—it came with being a reactive person; he existed with defenses always already half-raised, on high alert for anything that might make him the center of negative attention.
But this wasn’t one of them. The ranch, Tango, soulmates—they were easily the most valuable things he’d ever had—and that was why he couldn’t have them. He was going to lose it—he was already losing it; it never hurt so much when he was the only thing he had. “Gosh, dont you get it?! There’s nothing we can do—nothing! I’m gonna kill us, you understand?”
It felt good to say it out loud, to watch Tango blink in the face of such bluntness. Somehow his shock betrayed his lucidity, and proved to Jimmy what he’d feared all along: Tango felt it too.
And that made him circle all the way back to the beginning of this stupid roundabout conversation. Maybe he didn’t know it in so many words, having less time to experience it than Jimmy did but Tango knew—their time was running out; running out in a way it didn’t for anyone else playing these games; running out in a way Jimmy had—until now—never before been allowed to acknowledge. Tango knew.
And Tango wasn’t mad.
“Ugh, this is—this is childish, is what it is! I don’t…I can’t believe this is happening. This is—it’s madness.” What did they bother going in circles for if they were just going to end up right where they’d started?
“You’re the one trying to force feed me a golden apple,” Tango grumbled, eyebrows raised and face mocking as he looked at the cows. A few of them were standing against the fence staring back, mooing insistently; a strange audience for a strange night.
“Because I’m sick of it, Tango!” He was, once again, not the right recipient of this complaint, but what else was Jimmy to do? Seasons of grief built up in one desperate conversation, it was becoming more a list of grievances than a call to action. “Of all of it! Of the jokes, of losing, of—of not being in control of anything, of dying—and you—”
“Me?” Tango huffed, interrupting. “Wow, tell me how you really feel, Jim.”
Jimmy shook his head and looked down, a dismissal; his answer immediate and unhesitant. “No, that’s not what I—”
Sick of Tango—it wasn’t possible, but he saw in his hands that he still clutched the golden apple, and he was reminded again of all the ways in which he was dangerous; of the ways in which he was the heavy rock tied around Tango’s ankle, sinking slowly despite all efforts. He closed his eyes, tight, hard enough to hurt, and swallowed the bile in his throat. “You know what, yeah. I am.”
He looked up again to look at Tango, forcing himself to look determined, sure. “Yes, I’m sick of you.”
“Jimmy…” There was a warning there, but following warnings was never Jimmy’s strong suit.
“I am!” He didn’t think there was much of a chance Tango would believe him, but he loved Tango enough that he owed it to him to try. “I’m sick of you and how calm you’re being. We’re losing everything, again, always and you’re just standin’ around and I’m sick of it, Tango.”
Tango refused to answer, and Jimmy knew to be any convincing at all, he had to commit.
“I’m sick of this place,” he gestured around the ranch, rebuilt since the fire but still nowhere near as advanced as the other bases on the server; they could try and try and try but they’d never reach that level; they couldn’t be allowed to have an actual chance. “and—and how we built it from nothing and it still didn’t matter. We weren’t even doing that bad, and we’re still losing, and I’m sick of that, too!”
Tango standing still, Tango with his hands on his hips, Tango refusing to rise to the bait in Jimmy’s words. “I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t believe me? Fine, I’ll just keep going then.” He shrugged, undeterred, glancing around as if he wasn’t bothered—and his eyes landed on the cows in the corner, still watching them as if simply their being awake meant they’d be getting fed. Jimmy raised the arm with the golden apple, using it to point at them. “These stupid cows mooing all the time—the chickens—might as well just kill ‘em all now, 'cause they’re not going to matter either, are they? I’m over this place, and—and everyone else treating us like a joke.”
He looked back at Tango when he’d finished. “And I know you’re sick of it too, you are.”
“I’m not.” This, finally, was familiar ground—Jimmy projecting, Tango reassuring—but for once, Jimmy wished his anxiety proven right, he wished Tango would give in and admit that this wasn’t what he wanted—that Jimmy wasn’t what he wanted; not if it meant the absence of a fair chance.
“You are, you have to be.” And it was somewhat like begging. Jimmy’s never begged someone to be sick of him before—he was usually pleading for the opposite; how backward, how wrong, everything in him screaming what are you doing?! No one else had ever treated him like Tango did.
He sniffed once—as he was still crying—and kept listing things; the sort of fears it would kill him if Tango validated, but he said them anyway. If there was any chance it’d get Tango to eat the apple and be safe.
“You’re sick of having to cater to me, right? Of having to answer a million questions and reassure.” Tango began to shake his head, but Jimmy ignored it and kept going, stepping closer to his soulmate.
“And I bet you’re sick of losing, too. You don’t want to lose, Tango, not again, right?” It was a low blow, but Tango didn’t look hurt so much as he looked sad; he accepted Jimmy’s meanness as a product of his fear, and he curbed his offense to make room for the heartbreak.
Figures that Jimmy starts a needless argument insulting Tango endlessly and was still the most pitied in the room. He didn’t know if it was a product of his selfishness or Tango’s altruism, but the effect remained the same.
Within arms reach at last, Tango raised a hand but stopped it midway between them, unsure if breaching this distance was yet allowed. When Jimmy didn’t do anything about it, Tango lowered his hand until it rested on the front-facing part of Jimmy’s shoulder, eyebrows furrowed, not trusting that this was over.
Jimmy mirrored Tango with his own hand, feeling the warmth of Tango’s vest and above-average temperature below—the heat that’d been keeping him warm at night when they couldn’t splurge on extra blankets or were sleeping in a half-burned-down building or just because. He only allowed himself to feel it for a second before he pushed—not hard, but enough to make Tango take a step back, more because he wasn’t expecting it than due to force.
“Come on,” Jimmy pled. “Fight back. Get mad, hit me.”
“I’m not going to hit you, Jimmy.”
Jimmy stepped forward and pushed again, both hands; not harder but more firm. “Fight back, Tango, come on.”
“No.” Tango’s face was scrunched together in the most vehement disagreement he could give, and, out of options—out of energy—Jimmy made another noise somewhere between a whine and a groan and raised his hands again, only for Tango to catch them this time and drag Jimmy closer; dropping his hands the second he was within holding distance, one of Tagno’s arms wrapped around him and the other cradled the back of Jimmy’s head as he pulled it down towards his shoulder. Their height difference made it difficult at first, but they’d been practicing for weeks.
Jimmy went without protest, arms at Tango’s waist, screwing his eyes shut tight enough that he could almost pretend he didn’t hear the I’ve got you’s that he didn’t deserve but Tango was nonetheless whispering to the side of his head. He wanted to protest—or, no, he wanted to want to protest; to keep trying until Tango understood, until Jimmy screwed up enough that Tango got fed up and left the way anyone else would’ve done weeks ago, possibly just upon finding out they were paired.
“You’re okay—we’re okay,” Tango said. “I’ve got you. We’re going to be okay,” hand steady on the back of Jimmy’s head, holding fast when he tried to shake it and express his opposition. Jimmy didn’t think that ‘okay’ had a place here, not for them, not anymore.
They were on their last life now, he could feel the effects of being red thrumming through him, though they weren’t as much to blame for the damage he’d caused as he wished; this disaster, like most, was entirely Jimmy’s own.
Still murmuring and offering reassurance, fingers of one hand still scratching through Jimmy’s hair, Tango used his other to gently pry the golden apple from Jimmy—no longer putting up a fight—and toss it away without looking until it rolled on the wood flooring through the gate of the cow pen. Jimmy watched, head still on Tango’s shoulder, as the cows shuffled around for the lobbed apple, mooing increasingly louder until, after a crunch or two, it was assumed no longer there.
He felt more so than heard Tango clear his throat, the motion vibrating through Jimmy like a warning. “I am mad,” Tango whispered, voice only half-formed at the low volume. “I am,” he repeated, “don’t think I’m not.” His tone the kind of calm that only gave way to true anger. “But what can we do?”
Jimmy closed his eyes. He didn’t know.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~
They’re in bed after, facing each other in the dark; Tango watching Jimmy, Jimmy watching their clasped hands between them. Tango’s thumb ran along the ridges and valleys of his knuckles, waiting for something, though he didn’t know what. In his mind, Jimmy was running through all he had to offer—the things he should say, the things he couldn’t voice—but what he kept getting stuck on was:
“I didn’t mean it.”
“I know,” Tango said; not exasperated, not upset, just matter of fact.
Jimmy raised his eyes to Tangos, shaking his head as much as he could while lying down, not willing to risk any more miscommunication, “I’m not sick of it here.”
“I know, Jimmy.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Shhh,” Tango pulled their joined hands until Jimmy scooted forward, head under Tango’s chin, all not forgotten but, at the moment, behind them. They were on their red life, after all—there were other things to worry about.
Jimmy knew that the fact that Tango loved him shouldn’t be one of them, but when it was more than he wanted to live, it was. There was nothing he could do about it now. They would wake up in bed tomorrow and, maybe if they were lucky, the day after that—but there wouldn't be another respawn. They were out of time, out of options—this was it.
Tango loved him, Tango wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t need to press his ear further into Tango’s chest to hear his heartbeat—not when it was an echo of his own—but he did it anyway and tried not to number the beats like a countdown, to assign them values and limitations.
He squeezed Tango tighter, comfort disregarded; it was an offering where words had previously failed him, though there was no guarantee that his message would translate this way either. Physicality was another language Jimmy had never gained proficiency in—pretty much any method of communication verbal or non-verbal was—but he owed it to Tango to try. The trace of his fingers along Tango’s spine said I’m sorry, his breath on Tango’s chest whispered of how he’d spare Tango’s heart from his if he could; forehead to collarbone asked if things could still be normal tomorrow, since there was now a very real possibility that tomorrow was all they had.
He didn’t bother interpreting the response, focus lost as Jimmy tried and failed not to drift away on the subliminal messaging of his own; that this was his loss, his failure, his fault.
If he’d tried, maybe he’d have read the brush of Tango’s fingers through his hair as I don’t mind, the press of lips to the top of his head as reaffirming the deliberate choice being made—the decision to stay, to be a part of this.
But he didn’t. Jimmy was stuck, and not at all like he had thought. Maybe he wasn’t the fish, maybe he was the parasite; the birds were circling and Jimmy could beg all he wanted, but Tango loved him. Tango wasn’t going to swim down.
Tango wasn’t going anywhere.
#know that i held off as long as i could#i wrote this fic 8 months ago. and every time i got close to posting it id go#'you cant do that to the rancher community. you cant drop 6k of the ranchers fighting with no warning'#but i could only stay strong for so long#i need people to be as unwell about this as i am. im sorry i need it#it does not need to be read but at least now i have peace of mind that its out roaming the wild#EDIT: ALSO!!!!! if anyone remembers bright&fast……haha see what I did there 🤩#worm writes#team rancher#jimmy solidarity#tango tek#team rancher fic#double life fic#double life smp
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20 questions for fic writers
thanks for the tag, @teledild0nix; your post was great! also @phoebe-delia tagged me on this post a bit ago; i loved reading these so much! at this point, i'm not sure who has or hasn't done this yet, so i'm tagging anyone who sees this and wants to try it!
How many works do you have on ao3?
54 across 3 fandoms!
2. what's your total ao3 word count?
1,382,065 😵💫
3. What fandoms do you write for?
right now it's just drarry; i have also written for hockey RPF and before that, The Social Network, but a lot of that fic is locked on livejournal. before TSN i wrote drarry 😬 which is also locked lol i'm sorry
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
1. up the arbor to your door (and more) - Hockey RPF (2,889)
2. all the western stars - Drarry (2,819)
3. Bloom - Hockey RPF (2,759)
4. Brand New Colony - Hockey RPF (2,558)
5. Morning to Wake You - Hockey RPF (2,056)
my sid/geno hockey RPF era from 2012-2014 was pretty consistent! i do think all the western stars is about to overtake the top spot though, which is insane when you realize those fics are 9 years vs. barely 18 months old 😧
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
yes!! i make every effort to, though sometimes i get overwhelmed (i've fallen off a bit with The Star Splitter and it makes me super guilty!!! i need more hours in the day lol)
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
i am a happy ending aficionado!! i guess if you ignore the fix-it epilogue, the answer is we hid in catacombs, which is probably the best sid/geno fic i wrote. it was a breakup fic, of course, i remain obsessed with those!
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
i really cannot think of any standout happy ending hockey fics so for this one i will say along each garden wall. sugary sweet ending after what was a genuinely sad narrative; i think i took to heart the people who were like "Close Behind was so angsty we needed more happiness to wash it down!!" and while i felt like that didn't really fit Close Behind, it worked for this one.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
ha. yes! people were Not Happy about Close Behind. someone told me that i should tag it as the main pairing being Draco/Astoria and add an Ambiguous/Open Ending tag, which was very interesting and wrong. some comments i get are just odd, though. like someone got mad at me in The Star Splitter comments for naming a stuffed dragon Orion, who i guess was Sirius' abusive (?) dad?? i had no canon memory of that (and why would Draco care about that???). another person just objected to the entire premise of the fic, which i suppose is fair play if the premise of the fic is an actual philosophical argument, but yeah. it takes all sorts!
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
i do! i like writing smut! happily, yes smut! i don't go too deep into it in every fic, though, and with drarry i've often let myself get more into plot than figuring out the best smut places. i'm in a spot mentally where i really want the smut to contribute to the plot in a significant way, which i think is a result of taking a two year fanfic break and reading nothing but literary/historical fiction in those years? idk i need to write more, it's a total shift from when i wrote hockey.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
yeah, no, not for me!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
i've had some plagiarism incidents, and i guess i ask for this as a serial fic deleter, but some of my fics are on wattpad and i'd prefer they weren't lol.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
yes! a good few.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
nope
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
lol i cannot answer this question truthfully. my all-time favorite ship is just whatever i'm hyperfixated on at the moment! drarry is probably a contender just because i circled back to it after years away. (am i in a getting back together fic with drarry??)
15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
i finish all my wips 🙂 honestly this is not a flex, i am terrible at abandoning projects and my brain will not let me off the hook ever.
16. What are your writing strengths?
hmm. i think characters, especially large casts of characters! i love to write big ensembles and flesh out characters even in big or small roles, plus their relationships with each other. i also think that i'm much better at giving my worlds/stories a sort of aesthetic now, if that's a writing talent? this is def a new thing to drarry for me, since i took that long fanfic break and wrote/read a bunch of original stuff.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
i work at it, but i still don't know that i'm the best at describing things. i'm better at describing settings than people, that's for sure. i get bored with endless descriptions of someone's eye color and i find myself needing to justify character description with narrative relevance, which is silly.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
i'm a big proponent of '"[English words]," he says in French.' Or like, 'He says something in French', if the POV character wouldn't understand it. i feel like it's less immersion-breaking and more fluid. i write in several languages but wouldn't expect readers to, and i normally write such a close third person perspective that i don't necessarily want the readers to have a translation of a phrase that the POV character wouldn't have, you know?
19. First fandom you wrote for?
i think officially it was veronica mars?
20. Favorite fic you've written?
i'll do one for each AO3 fandom! for TSN, it was Mulligan. for Hockey RPF, Contrapositive. and for Drarry, no surprise, Close Behind.
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20 Questions for Writers
Got tagged by @pencilofawesomeness!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
Ah, 66 of them! And if I count that Whumptober 2021 collection that I put in one work but is really 31 different oneshots, then 96, I suppose...?
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
That would be 999226, from the looks of it! (oh wow I didn't realize I was so close to one million, dang...)
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Genshin Impact, Tower of God, and now Twisted Wonderland have been the biggest hyperfixations over the past few years, I'd say! And also Fairy Tail! Got a few for FT due to an event...still need to continue those... And yeah, going a little older, I got My Hero Academia, Voltron, Attack on Titan, Sonic the Hedgehog, etc... Also unpublished RWBY. But then I have a lot of unpublished WIPs soooo...
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Hmm, looks like that would be...
Every Day We Face the World: Whumptober 2021 | Genshin Impact | 383
We Promised We Would Be Together | Genshin Impact | 342
A Day in the Life of Why Did I Take This Job | Genshin Impact | 242
And You Think, "No Escape" | Twisted Wonderland | 227
Angeli Quaeritus | My Hero Academia | 206
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do! Or at least, I like to! Now I do. So, with Whumptober last year, I did drop the ball on this one, I remember. I was going through the process of responding for a while and taking a long time getting back to people...and eventually, after multiple months have passed, I just went "marked read" to everything that remained. In retrospect, I kind of wish I had not overthought it so much and just made a response. I can overthink a lot of things like this. But of course, I do really really enjoy reading comments! And I like the interaction of responding. But because of my awkwardness, sometimes it's difficult knowing what to say to a compliment... I think I'm better now than I once was, though, even just compared to a year or two ago...
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Hmm, so, my first thought is Tower to Celestia on account of being my one and only "real" major character death fic, but it's more bittersweet, maybe? Since I end with the epilogue, with grown-up Klee telling the story of her friends who died and kind of sharing the legend... I think angstiest might have to go to Together We Face the Darkness, actually. Which is, uh, also character death, but canonical? It's a Whumptober piece, and for the most part, those still get happy endings, but not so much for the backstory ones...
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Huh, good question! And You Think "No Escape" when I finish it, maybe but yeah, I usually end "happy" in some way, though generally following much angst, but I think I might have to go with A Day in the Life of Why Did I Take This Job for this? Ends with lightheartedly intense snowball fights, found family vibes, and Razor calling his friends "lupical" so, like, looking back on it, I think it might be up there! At least in my opinion :)
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No, I have not! At least, nothing of significance I remember. The community's been very nice.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Nope, I do not! I don't really write romance much at all? My aroace self does not have this material in my purview in any way XD
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I do! Although it's mainly in the realm of "AU of characters from fandom X now in the world of fandom Y" rather than truly making the characters collide, but on that note, I agree with @pencilofawesomeness that the The A.I.D. Universe project we were doing is probably the craziest, for sure! That concept really was just "what if all of the fandoms existed as their own world in the multiverse, and what if there was some super special interdimensional task force that deals with multiverse problems and which recruited all of these characters as members?" We never posted all that much for it, but it was a cool thought experiment back in the day, and we had a lot of ideas for the middle of the broad story and all the adventures they may have. May or may not ever really get back to this, but great memories, all the same.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of!
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Nope, I have not!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Again with the A.I.D. project with @pencilofawesomeness, and more than that, some things we did in the past before the AO3 days...
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
I'm not really a shipper? So, hard to say, but if I were to pick one, it might be Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, actually? That said, it completely flew over my head actually watching the show; the fondness comes from fandom content, honestly, as is the case with many such things XD
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
Oof, that is the question. I would like to think that I'll get back to everything in time (what I've published, at least), although there are a few old ones that I think I'll end up making much shorter than originally planned, Angeli Quaeritus included (that one haunts me hard...). Sonic Reloaded, however, is probably not going to happen at all, unfortunately. Same with the A.I.D. Files.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Huh...good question. Weaving introspection into the prose, maybe? Interweaving complicated plot elements and making stuff connect? Making multiple POVs work? I'm not really sure. I feel like a lot of this just goes into the way I like to write, as a matter of style. But the latter point is something I've actually been called out for fairly recently in comments by others, so...thank you? It was encouraging to hear, anyways!
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Fight scenes have always been tough. I think I'm better now than I used to be, but choreography is tough, and I applaud those who can make it work! Besides that I can struggle with being longwinded and not knowing where to put the worldbuilding in when there is some. Also character descriptions. As in, physical descriptions. How do I describe?? Fanfics spoil me in that I can get away with not really having to do that most of the time, since the main characters are usually known to the reader, but it still comes up.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I don't think I really have...? I can see where it can add to the immersion, but also, don't want readers to just...not understand what's going or have to use a translate app. Sometimes I will sprinkle in words in another language when I think that is the word that best describes the thing or it's a very specific cultural thing. I also will use Japanese honorifics for Japanese media sometimes, though not strictly. I'm not using it nearly as often as an actual speaker (or the canon media) would, but it feels right to throw it in at places, because that's what I hear in my head? And also, it's just far more specific than anything English has to translate it to? Although I'm not always consistent (and I've probably also been inaccurate at places too, admittedly). Like for instance with Twisted Wonderland, Cater will call Lilia "Lilia-chan", but the English localization just uses "Lils" to indicate a nickname, so I've also used "Lils" in writing Cater's speech, but on the other hand, I'll write Sebek as referring to Lilia as "sama" or "senpai" because that is just way more precise to what he means.
Also, speaking of Twisted Wonderland, it's canonical that Rook randomly peppers French into his speech, so...yeah. Things like that XD
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Sonic the Hedgehog! Way, way long ago into yesteryear and long buried... Warrior Cat RPs came around at near the same time for me, though, I think...
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
Honestly? I think that would have to be my current big project, And You Think, "No Escape". I'm just really, really glad with the way it's been turning out, and I'm almost done, too! Just a couple more chapters to go. Feels like a breakthrough for me as a writer... I've been at this for a long time, but it feels like it hasn't been until recently that I truly grasped my own style and how to make an executable idea, if that makes sense? But anyways, I like to call myself a found-family-loving whump writer who also likes a feel of action and adventure, and this fic is pretty much exactly that. The fandom inspired me by a lot, for sure. These characters grabbed hold of my heart and now I have a vested interest in seeing these boys talk about their feelings (not an easy task XD). It's been a wild ride, but yeah, I've had a blast!
+++
So...yeah! That! Now let's see... going to tag @resident-normal-person, @wintersphoenix, and @comfort-questing! No pressure, of course! Just if you want to! And also to anyone else who sees this and wants to, you may feel free to take it on!
#writing#tag game#fanfic#musings and thoughts#writing in general has been such a wild ride honestly#been such a long time since I was a small bean writing on [redacted]#and learning to write on text roleplays#my past [WIPs] haunts me#but even so#man I love this hobby so much :)
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20 Questions For Fic Writers
tagged by @luthien-under-bough
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
Only two. I’m a baby writer.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
Around 13k. Proof that I’m still a baby writer but I’m growing.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
House of the Dragon only. I’m considering Fringe, Harry Potter and Star Wars but not before a few months.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
what I risk to be close to you, a modern AU Daemyra (WIP)
if I killed someone for you, another modern AU Daemyra (WIP)
5. Do you respond to comments?
To every comment. I feel bad if I don’t ’cause I’m afraid people will think I don’t care about them!
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
All my fic are WIP for now but I’m planning a fic that is named stages of grief in my notes. The current title tells everything.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
what I risk to be close to you will have a happy ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No, I’ve never received any hate. Let’s pray it doesn’t happen in the future.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
I do. Depends on my mood and the needs of the story. I often use sex as a way for characters to physically express feelings they can’t say out loud.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
Not in fic. But I do crossover in rp and the craziest thing I did was a meeting between an Marvel OC working for HYDRA and a turned-human Berlioz from the Aristocats. He was teaching her french, she was teaching him russian. It was pretty fun to write.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not to my knowledge.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Never.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I tried but it was never posted online and will never be. I’d love to try again.
14. What’s your all time favourite ship?
Daemyra has been my obsession for two years now and I loved them before but HotD really got me obsessed. Before, I was mostly obsessed with Alt!Lincoln Lee/Fauxlivia Dunham (Fringe), Padmé/Anakin (Star Wars) and Ricardo Diaz/Laurel Lance (Arrow).
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
A Daemyra fic called where our duty lies. I wrote chapter 1 a year ago and never worked on it again. But it’s still on my mind.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I think my ideas are pretty great! And I try to stay focus on one or two WIPs at the time.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
English isn’t my native language and turns me in a very slow writer. And I feel like my writing style is better in french than it is in English.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Italics is fine for that. But I could put High Valyrian in a Daemyra fic someday.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Vampire Diaries.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written?
what I risk to be close to you for now. It may change in the future.
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Meeting You Flipped the World Upside Down - Or Maybe Just Mine
This is it guys, I’m really proud in general of myself for finishing this and I hope you all enjoyed it as well. When I started this fic I honestly planned for a major character death or something dramatic like that. Never in my wildest dreams did I see this ending. I’m not mad though, I’ve had a rough time lately and this really summed up a lot of my feelings. There are people who will never truly leave your life and that's okay. You just shouldn’t let the thought of them hold you back. This has been my favorite thing to write ever and I want to thank everyone who has supported this and made me feel so good about my writing. I did leave this open ended if I ever did want to continue it but I think I want to write something a bit lighter next. I really hope you all enjoyed this as much as I have and remember to stay safe and drink some water today - Mya
Summary: Reader has been a rut, stuck in a never ending cycle of college worries and job interviews. Never did she think that SSA Aaron Hotchner, or Agent as she likes to call him, would walk into her favorite late night diner and flip her world upside down. And he for sure didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly with the soon to be college grad. They navigate finding love and working together to rediscover what that means for each of them.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner X Female Reader
Word Count: 1.4k
Epilogue
Aaron Hotchner did flip your world upside down. Maybe just not in the way you expected. But in the way you needed. You watched your children chase their father around the backyard. It was nearly below freezing but they were going strong. You made hot chocolate for their impending arrival inside. In the meantime you curled up on the couch with a warm blanket and watched the fire burn. The Christmas tree was lit nicely in the corner of the living room, an abundance of presents spilling out.
You pulled out your phone and scrolled through some old pictures. Baby pictures of your three children. Your wedding, it was a fall wedding. More than you could have ever dreamed of. You also looked at your college graduation pictures. Emily, JJ, and Penelope had surprised you and showed up to commencement. Screaming when you walked across the stage. You should call them soon. Finally, you found the picture you were looking for, you and Aaron at one of Dave’s dinners. It was a candid that Morgan took when you weren’t paying attention. Aaron has his arm around you while you’re talking to JJ about god knows what. It’s your favorite picture, beyond a shadow of a doubt. He looked at you like you were the only person in the room, you chose to remember nights that those. He changed you for the better, it was only fair you acknowledged that.
Your thoughts were interrupted when your husband and kids ran inside from the cold.
“There’s hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you monsters!” You yelled to them as they rushed to change into warmer clothes.
When they had all settled and had their mugs of hot chocolate, your husband joined you on the couch. Soon followed by your children, two girls and one boy. They quickly turned on a pixar movie and snuggled up to you underneath several blankets. There was nothing you would change about your life. This was exactly where you were meant to be.
By the time the credits rolled to Monsters University all three of them had fallen asleep. You carefully tucked in your youngest daughter, Greer. She was about to turn 2 in the spring. Your surprise baby. You couldn’t have been happier when you found out. Sure the stress of raising three kids got to you sometimes but they reminded you of all the good in the world.
Next was Cheyenne, named after where you met your husband, Noah. You were travelling around the west and made a pit stop in Cheyenne and met the man you were meant to spend forever with. You couldn’t think of a better name for your first daughter, Noah couldn’t have agreed more. She embodied everything good about your husband, his compassion for sure. She was smarter than you by a long shot at just 8 years old.
Finally you came to your oldests room. He had been a welcome surprise just a few months after your wedding. Your not so little boy mirrored you in a way you never thought possible. It scared you at first, everything about being a parent is scary sure, but nobody prepares you for raising your twin. He had your hair and eyes, Noah’s nose, but everything about him was you. His ambition never failed to wow you, he pushed himself to lengths you truly couldn’t believe sometimes. He however, did inherit some of your bad genes though. Sometimes he didn’t know when to stop, when to slow down and enjoy the present. You got better at that with age, you want him to achieve everything he puts his mind to but you need him to see when it’s happening. Not when it’s happened.
You reached down and pushed some of his hair from his face so you could kiss his forehead.
“Goodnight my sweet boy,” you whispered and he snuggled further into his blankets. You smiled softly and walked out quietly. He was already 12, sometimes you couldn't believe that you made it this far. You grew as you moved farther away, you knew that your life belonged out here. Sometimes it’s hard to trust fate but how could you justify meeting Noah and creating your dream life in your new favorite spot in America without believing at least a little bit in fate.
You softly closed your little boy's door and ran your hand over the nameplate crested in the center of the door, Aaron, written in hues of blue.
As you cuddled with your husband while he slowly fell asleep, you reached for your phone and scrolled through an album made just for you and Aaron. Noah may be your future, but Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner was the love of your life and you forever had a part of him.
You pulled up his contact for the first time in 18 years and sent him the photo from that dinner at Dave’s a lifetime ago. You wrote a short message,
I forgive you Agent - Y/N
The last thing you expected was a response, especially so quickly. It was a picture that you had posted on social media a few weeks prior, celebrating your 13th wedding anniversary.
I’m happy you found better. What are their names? - Agent
My youngest is Greer, then Cheyenne. - Y/N
You wait a few minutes to respond, you know he read the message prior.
He’s named after the love of my life Aaron - Y/N
He called you then. You moved quickly and quietly from your bed and down into your living room. Answering before the line went dead.
“You were the love of my life too Y/N. I just didn’t know it.”
There you sat, where just hours ago you were wrapped in blankets with your family, you were now transported to your life with Aaron. Staring into the fire with tears in your eyes.
“It wouldn’t have mattered, Aaron, sometimes finding the love of your life doesn't mean spending the rest of your life with them. It means loving them for the rest of your life, even if that means watching them love someone else.”
You could hear him sigh on the other end of the line, “I never stopped loving you. I won’t ever stop loving you Y/N.”
“I will always love you too Aaron. I think I’m happier now than I ever was with you though. JJ told me you got remarried Agent. Congratulations. I’m sure she's perfect for you.”
“Yeah, pretty much. Her name is Beth, Jack loves her too.”
“I miss him. I’m happy he has someone again. You deserve to be happy Aaron. I forgave you days after. Hell hours even. But I knew that we both needed someone who understood us better. We both deserved that.”
Just then you heard a door creak and the sound of feet pattering towards you, “mama,” Aaron’s voice squeaked out.
“Right here, baby. What's wrong?”
“I heard you talking and wanted to talk with you too.” You laughed a little before putting your phone on speaker and introducing your son to Aaron.
“Well alright, but I think you might need to know his name before you talk to him.” Aaron caught your drift, introducing himself through the phone.
“Hi Aaron, I’ve heard all about you. My name is Aaron too and there is nothing I want more than to talk to you.”
Your little boy perked up at the idea that this man had the same name as him, Aaron was a good sport and talked to him for about 20 minutes before your boy was yawning between every word.
“Say goodnight to Aaron buddy,” he murmured out a small goodnight and was helped back into bed.
“He reminds me of you, I’m sure you know that already.”
“Everyone calls him my clone. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but sometimes I look into his eyes and swear I see you looking back at me Aaron. He’s how I imagined our children would turn out. Perfect in every single way.”
“Your husband is very lucky to have you Y/N. I’ll envy him until the end of time.”
You sensed this was the end of the conversation, you subconsciously wanted to never stop talking to him. That part of you that would always yearn for his comfort when you were breaking down in the bathroom or when you were so over the moon about something at work. You wanted to share those moments with him first. I guess some part of you always would.
“I love you Aaron.”
“I love you too Y/N, goodnight”
“Goodnight Agent.”
#epilouge#aaron hotchner#aaron hotchner fanfic#aaron hotchner fanfiction#aaron hotchner x reader#aaron hotch x reader#hotch#hotch fanfiction#hotch x reader
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This is too long to send as an ask, so I could send it as a message but it wouldn't be right if I didn't show off our friendship to everyone else on tumblr, would it? So I'm posting it instead xD
Here you go bestie: 80 things I love about you 💖
1) you make me insanely happy
2) talking to you makes me smile (every single time)
3) you're one of the sweetest humans ever
4) you're so funny!!!
5) you use a lot of emojis/exclamation marks when you're texting (and that reassures me because I do too)
6) I can always rely on you to freak out with me
7) you're so thoughtful
8) you're also very smart
9) you often get my friends references!!! And not many people do so I love you so much for that
10) you're beautiful
11) you're positive and enthusiastic
12) you always comment on my fics 🥺
13) YOU HUG ME CONSTANTLY
14) seriously you're such a lovely person
15) I feel like I've been missing you all my life
16) our conversations are the cutest
17) I love whenever you begin a text with 'story time'
18) you put up with me calling you franziska
19) you get annoyed when I call you franziska xD
20) you're an amazing writer
21) you're an incredible baker (who cares if I've never tried any of your food! I JUST KNOW)
22) you're the best sister in the world
23) you're a little bit crazy too
24) you're a good listener
25) you have a great taste in music
26) and TV shows
27) and movies
28) you make my day basically every single day
29) you're the only person in the world who makes me want to hug them literally ALL THE TIME
30) did I mention how gorgeous you are
31) I love how devoted you are to language learning
32) and your English is pretty much perfect (which I'm very grateful for)
33) BABY FRANZI
34) AND FRANZI AND DARIO AAAHHH
35) your accent (you had to know this was coming at some point xD)
36) your VOICE (I know you were expecting this too)
37) your hair
38) you help me annoy my brother by making him jealous of you 😈
39) you're basically a celebrity in our house now because I talk about you so much
40) you make me check my phone to see if you've messaged me at the most inconvenient times!! (in restaurants, when I'm about to go in the sea, on top of mountains... 😝)
41) your smileeeeee
42) your love for animals
43) your sense of humour
44) just your whole personality in general
45) you're just so nice all the time 😭
46) you're ALWAYS right
47) and you ALWAYS make irritatingly good points
48) you make me laugh every day
49) and you make me grin uncontrollably
50) you're a significant cause of my overuse of heart emojis
51) there aren't many people as kind and fun to be around as you
52) I trust you
53) you're such a good friend!
54) you're the kind of friend that you really hope you stay friends with all your life
55) we're like joey and chandler (and wynonna and waverly but I'll have to wait until you've seen wynonna earp for you to understand that)
56) I'm HONOURED to have met you
57) I feel so close to you even though we've never met
58) you always know exactly what to say
59) your enthusiasm when I'm writing my fics 🥰
60) your OBSESSION with Harry Potter
61) I was friends with Harry-Potter-obsessed people for ages and they couldn't convince me to read it no matter how hard they tried, and now here we are
62) I don't think you give yourself nearly enough credit for how awesome you are (but you SHOULD)
63) and I don't think you understand how lucky everyone is who has ever met you
64) your dancing skills are... *chef's kiss*
65) and YOUR SINGING 😍😍😍
66) you know when you're reading a really cute fluffy fic and you have to stop for a second because it's TOO ADORABLE AND YOU JUST CAN'T?? Well I often have to do that when I'm talking to you because I just 😭 love you SO MUCH that sometimes my heart can't take it
67) you make my life happier
68) since I wrote the thing about you basically being a celebrity in our house, it's now got to the point where my parents ask how's franzi every time I'm on my phone 😂
69) ((hehe)) BLESS THE UNIVERSE FOR CREATING YOU
70) there are very few people like you
71) I'm gonna tell you you're beautiful again (and I will keep on telling you until one day you believe me 😉 and then I'll keep telling you after that anyway)
72) you're more fun to talk to than most people
73) okay, I almost started crying when I was writing this TWICE because I was overwhelmed by how grateful I am to know you, but it's fine 😭 it's under control now
74) I text you more than I text all my irl friends put together and that's probably not a good thing but ohhh welllll nevermindddd it's fineeee
75) everyone who's never met you or talked to you is missing out in life and I FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM (you might think I'm exaggerating but NO IT'S TRUE!!! Imagine living life without EVER talking to franziska... How do people do it??!!)
76) a few months ago I had an online friend who I vowed was the best online friend I've ever had and will ever have, and then you came along and ruined that, so thank you 🙄🤗❤️ I really hate breaking promises, FRANZISKA
77) if you think I say nice things to you all the time, you have no idea how many nice things I think about you but don't tell you
78) I keep imagining what it would be like to meet you in real life
79) I'm thinking I'll just end up hugging you for like an hour 🙈 or more..... okay definitely more..... people would just stare at us and wonder what's wrong with us... it would be amazing
80) I love how easy it was to make this list xD (I'm probably gonna keep adding to it so consider this part one)
However, this list doesn't even begin to cover how amazing you are. Your brilliant FEEBLE mind cannot comprehend how much I love you 🥰 but I hope this makes you happy sorella maggiore
#I'm force-feeding you 80 compliments and you will accept them all#franzi ilysm you make me so happy and idk what i'd do without you you're amazing
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Thank you for tagging me, @tawnyontumblr! I’m very bad at doing these writer meme things, so here goes nothing.
1) How many works do you have on AO3?
45 and counting!
2) What’s your total AO3 word count?
376,429. Holy moly that is a fuck ton of words (I only properly started posting on AO3 last May iirc).
3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
Four: Critical Role, Good Omens, Hades, and Kill La Kill.
4) What are your top five fics by kudos?
This list is bookended by two PWPs, which I find hilarious given that I seem to have misplaced my smut brain cell sometime in the last couple of months.
On The Matter of Traffic Violations (Good Omens, E)
“Officer Fell,” Crowley says, and leans forward, enough to give Fell a good view of his décolletage. He tilts his head in the way he knows people find deliciously coquettish, glad that he’d had the foresight to apply some mascara before heading out. “I’m so very sorry about this,” he says, looking up at the officer through his lashes. “It’s late, you know, no cars around… Didn’t notice how fast I was going, that’s all.”
[Or: Crowley flirts his way out of a traffic violation.]
Unbinding (Critical Role, T)
This is a great honor, Essek reminds himself, trying not to recoil as fingers run through his hair, working through the tangles. A braid is made of three strands, symbolizing the inextricable bond between the soul, the den, and the Luxon. A recognition of an achievement by the drow who bears it. With each braid, the soul is bound ever closer to its den and to the Luxon.
It is a lesson Essek learned long ago, but one he is never permitted to forget.
[Or: the story of why the Shadowhand wears his hair cropped short.]
No Church In The Wild (Good Omens, E)
The stem of the wineglass in Aziraphale’s hand snaps cleanly in two, but no one seems to hear it—every eye in the room is trained on the redheaded dancer sashaying to the gleaming silver pole, centre stage for all to see.
Oh, Aziraphale thinks faintly. Good lord.
[Or: the one where Aziraphale gets assigned to the red light district.]
abide gold with me (Critical Role, T)
“Okay, Cay-leb,” Jester says, stretching out the syllables affectionately. “You sit right here so we can watch you and Essek try an orange for the first time.”
The Primal Scene (Good Omens, E - a collab with @lookitsstevie!)
Harriet notices that there’s a crack of light at the end of the hallway coming from the door to the library, and her mood brightens considerably. Perhaps the tutors are still here, putting together their lessons for the next day before they leave for the night. She leans down to pick up a piece of cloth that’s fallen on the rug. Her breath catches in her throat when she realizes what it is – a necktie with a familiar tartan pattern.
She nearly drops the tie in shock at the unmistakable sound coming from the closed door of the library. A sharp, quickly stifled moan.
[Or: Harriet Dowling accidentally bears witness to divine ecstasy.]
5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
I try. I really do. My friends (and maybe some of my readers) know that this is difficult for me, mainly because any sort of recognition reduces me to a gibbering pile of tears. I’m working on it though, even if it does take me a million years to respond to anything on AO3.
6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
God, which one do I choose. I have been referred to as an angst gremlin for a very good reason. I’m gonna go with The Remains of the Day, a Good Omens fairy tale AU I wrote loosely based on Bluebeard.
7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?
I HAVE. I wrote philtatos, a crossover of Good Omens and The Iliad/The Song of Achilles. It’s the only crossover I’ve ever written, unless we’re counting Variations of an Arrangement, which could loosely count as a crossover of the book/radio/TV versions of Good Omens.
8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?
I have not. And hopefully never will.
9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?
I do, and it’s usually of the angst with a happy ending variety.
10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Hm. How do we define stealing? Just kidding. The short answer is no.
11) Have you ever had a fic translated?
Nope!
12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Got one in the works for Critical Role!
13) What’s your all time favourite ship?
Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes was actually the first ship I ever really got into, and they’ll always have a special place in my heart even if I never wrote anything for that fandom. Crowley/Aziraphale from Good Omens of course, and more recently Caleb Widogast/Essek Thelyss from Critical Role.
14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
Variations of an Arrangement. I loved writing it, and I still want to finish it one day, but it took a lot of brainpower to write and keep track of the plot and I feel like it’s beyond me, at least right now.
15) What are your writing strengths?
I… hmm. Judging by the way people are always yelling at me in their comments, I guess it’s that I can write stories that make people feel things very deeply.
16) What are your writing weaknesses?
I repeat words so often, it’s embarrassing. I use too many “-ly” adverbs. Also, I find myself using the same turns of phrase across several fics lmao.
17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
Language is a tricky thing. I don’t want to bore you with discourse. I try not to write dialogue in a different language (especially if it’s not one I speak myself) unless it’s absolutely called for, or if they’re just basic phrases and I’m 100% certain I won’t be getting it wrong. I have read fics where this was done very well though, and I’ve found that it really adds to the atmosphere in those cases.
18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?
It was for this old anime called Princess Tutu. I danced ballet when I was younger and loved it so much – I believe I was only twelve at the time?? But I think the fic may still be floating around on FF.net somewhere.
19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?
I wrote philtatos in a four-day fever dream. It’s not the most technically perfect fic I’ve ever written or anything like that, but I think it’s the one that reveals the most about who I am as a person. That is an incredibly cheesy thing to say, I know. I always joke that posting that fic felt like offering my still-beating heart on a silver platter to the void, but there you are.
For Critical Role, surprisingly enough it’s this ficlet I wrote called sinners, a small bite of Shadowdrei where I was parsing my ideas on Astrid and Eadwulf’s dynamic and where they stood when it came to Bren/Caleb and Essek. I didn’t realize how fully formed my thoughts were until I wrote that. Fascinating what your own writing will show you about the things that are in your mind.
Tagging with no pressure whatsoever: @naromoreau @jenanigans1207 @saretton @theseedsofdoom @musegnome!
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Fic Writer Questions
I was tagged by @allwaswell16 and @becomeawendybird
1) How many works do you have on AO3? 125 not counting anons
2) What’s your total AO3 word count? 1,311,423
3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
3 fandoms. One Direction, Hanson, Thor. Wait. The Moffatts as well. So 4 I guess..... maybe a few others sprinkled in WAY back in the day.
4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Where Do We Go Now
Just Jump
come on over, we've got something to share
Woke Up Feeling Knotty
The Post-War BP
5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
ummmmm angstiest ENDING? ummmm maybe the dexter AU? because it doesn’t really explain much, just gives you an illusion of how things are
6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
Ummmmmmm pretty much all of them because I get mean comments if it doesnt end the way people want it to.
7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?
Not much. I did write a Dexter AU... and I’ve wanted to write a bunch, but I just really haven’t. I guess my wordplay fic this year is technically one! I don’t know about anything crazy though
8) Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Absolutely. Dirty, graphic smut. The kind of smut that will introduce you to new kinks and make you question your whole life up to that point.
9) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
It’s like new years resolutions. I always say I’m going to... and then............ My intention is to answer comments but it just becomes A LOT. And I never know what to say other than “thank you for reading!” unless its something specific I can comment on. Soooo I guess my anxiety says it’s better not to comment than to just say generic thank yous. I miss the LJ days when you’d write novel comments for each chapter and then have a long thread back and forth with the author fangirling over specific scenes or wording or plot point or a particular line that struck you... but Ao3 just isn’t that kind of community really.
10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Sure have! I’ve had some of the nastiest things thrown at me both directly and indirectly. Mainly by entitled people sitting behind computer screens sending me pissy comments on anon because I didn’t write the fic the way they wanted it to be written tailored to their preferences and fantasies. Or people who are all WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN type hate comments.
11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yes. They used to pop up on Wattpad a lot. I even had someone repost on Ao3.
12) Have you ever had a fic translated?
I’ve found translations up on Wattpad before... but the above reason is exactly why I don’t allow translations. That and because (and this is no offense to ANYONE who is multilingual, that is impressive!) I don’t trust that the story and feelings and emotions would be translated correctly.
13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Kind of? But not in a serious cowriting situation. It was moreso just for fun in the past but I think I’m too much of a control freak over where I want plots and characters to go.
14) What’s your all time favorite ship?
Harry and Louis probably. I’ve never written so many fics for any other fandom nor was I ever so consistent on reading a specific pairing before. They just fit. I don’t really have another explanation.
15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
I’m going to get tomatoes thrown at me if I say which one I’m really thinking of :-x but I have plenty of half finished fics in my google docs that I want to but will never finish because of hate comments or things people have said about it that stomped all over my excitement. Like this one fic I won’t be too specific on because certain people will know what I’m talking about and I’m not out here to call out the person who did this... but it was a hybrid fic and in a group chat we were explaining hybrids and I shared artwork I found explaining how I envisioned hybrids in my head and someone in the chat said “that’s not a hybrid, that’s a furry” and the way it happened basically made me want to delete every hybrid fic I’ve ever posted and made me abandon the whole thing even though I’d already written 30k of it and it was GRAND. God I loved that idea so fucking much. A certain someone asks about it now and then... but yea. That’s the real reason I abandoned it and will never finish it even if I sometimes want to. Actually I might have deleted it during one of the #darktimes a few months ago. RIP to all the fic beginnings and fragments and nearly finished masterpieces that fell victim to the massacre.
16) What are your writing strengths?
World building? Smut? Emotion? This is hard because the things people probably think I do well are probably things I think I suck at.
17) What are your writing weaknesses?
English. And double spaces. I will take those to my fucking grave. Fight me.
18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I.... don’t. Because of above. Someone will tell me I’m wrong which my brain will translate as you’re dumb and should never attempt to write words in anyt language again LOL but for real. The fear of messing it up is too strong.
19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Hanson
20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
Hard one... All of my favourite fics are also fics that I know could have been better had I dedicated more time to them or been more patient before rushing to post. Doing that sort by kudos thing above really shocked me that some of my least favourite or meh fics are the most popular
In no particular order, here are some of my favourites through the years:
Old Photographs & Times I'll Remember
Sisterwives
High Heels, Red Dress
Tonight's the Night
As We Were, As We Are
The Wilds
OmegaVision
Captain Jack
Saving's What I Need
Stay Close, Hold Steady
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Thanks to @onereyofstarlight for the tag!
1. What fandoms have you written for?
This is embarrassing but I actually had to look at both FFnet and AO3 because I couldn’t remember all of them. TRON: Legacy, Assassin’s Creed, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, Sherlock, Final Fantasy VII and XV and Kingsglaive, Voltron: Legendary Defender, Merlin, Skyrim, and, of course, Thunderbirds. I have a couple other fandoms that crop up in various wips, including a Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover that I really should finish.
2. How many works do you have on AO3 &/or FFNet?
FFnet has 45, and AO3 has 41. There’s also a couple stories lurking on tumblr, notably a final chapter for Reflection.
3. What are your top 3 fics by kudos on A03 &/or Favs on FFNet?
AO3 dominates in this area, if I can use a word like “dominates” for stories that have less than 125 kudos each haha. Oh well, the numbers don’t matter!
1. 118 kudos on tell the shades apart (my world is black and white)
2. 94 kudos on Reflection
3. 91 kudos on The 43rd Hour
4. Which 3 fics have the least kudos & Favs?
Again on AO3:
1 kudos on I Am You (And You Are Me)
5 kudos on The Dragonborn Chronicles
6 kudos on cynosure
5. Which Fic has the most comments and which has the least?
Reflection has the most at 29 threads, and I Am You (And You Are Me) has the least at zero.
6. Which complete fic do you wish had gotten more attention?
Lodestar, definitely. Sure, it’s for something of a rarepair, but they aren’t that rare, and I just really really like the way the story came together. On the other hand, of course my unfinished Merlin fic has gotten probably the most attention, because that’s just the way it goes, eh?
7. Have you written any crossovers?
None that I’ve published! I have various crossovers lurking in mostly unfinished states, including the aforementioned Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover, and an Assassin’s Creed/Thundeerbirds crossover that is very good and I should also finish. There’s an Expanse/Thunderbirds fic lurking in my brain that I may or may not ever commit to paper, who knows. I’ve also very vaguely toyed with a Batman/Thunderbirds crossover, in the sense that “nebulous” is too strong a word for the kind of toying I’ve been doing.
8. What is the craziest fic you’ve written?
I don’t really write crazy or crack or humor in general, so probably the closest thing to “crazy” is On the Lam, which was the result of wanting to throw Scott and Penelope toward an Egyptian stud farm. It ended up being the host for a bad joke about that, courtesy of one @thebaconsandwichofregret, who consistently gives some of the best dialogue advice I’ve ever encountered.
Actually, the true answer is probably a chapter in Glimpses into a Supernova, maybe the one about blood? It seems bonkers when I think back on it now, but I admittedly haven’t read it in many years. Possibly I am misremembering. Glimpses has some weird ones, though.
9. What’s the fic you’ve written with the saddest ending?
It’s a tossup between The Painting and a place where the water touches the sky. The former deals with a prior off-screen death; the latter is (maybe??) an on-screen death. People seemed upset by it, at any rate. I said it was ambiguous!
10. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
“Happy” is probably a matter of perspective? Depends on the overall reading experience and the ending within that context. Either septet or Three Towels and a Tracy, they’re both pretty fluffy overall.
11. What is your smuttiest fic?
protoinstincts, which I completely forgot I wrote and then rediscovered like a year later and realized “hey, this is actually pretty good” and you know what, despite it not being overly spicy, it is pretty good.
12. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not hate, per se, but someone left a review on Less Than Nothing saying they “didn’t like” that I “wrote the story as a series of drabbles.” Cool, I didn’t write the story for you, random guest reader, and the back button exists, friend 😂 It didn’t bother me on a personal level because I wrote the fic for an audience of one (incidentally, not myself and rather the recipient of a secret santa event), but I was mad because the reviewer had no way of knowing where I was at as a writer, and I know from longtime observation how that kind of comment can crush less experienced or confident writers.
Don’t leave flames, kids, you don’t understand the power your words have. Don’t like, don’t read.
13. What is the nicest comment you’ve received?
The nicest? Goodness. Hmm. I’d have to go hunting to find the nicest, but in recent memory, @ayzrules sent me a couple passages from Spanish texts she’s been studying that reminded her of my writing, and I was honestly so touched by the fact that she even thought to make such comparisons, much less mention them to me. Taking the time to familiarize yourself with someone’s style until you can make comparisons between it and someone else’s work is so much more meaningful to me personally than a basic “Nice story!” or “Loved this!” type of comment ever could be. <3 Ayz <3
14. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I’m aware of, but I’ve never gone looking on any sort of copycat site or whatever either.
15. How many fics do you have marked as incomplete?
Two. First is The Dragonborn Chronicles, which is a retelling of Skyrim from Lydia’s perspective via her journal, to complement the in-game journal. It’s a slog of a style to write, though, even for someone who loves writing first person and doesn’t really want to write a lot of dialogue, and the outline is huge, and the story will be many times more huge, and just. Some day. Some day.
Second is tell the shades apart (my world is black and white), which has always been unfinished because the outline itself is over seven thousand words and the fully written story would undoubtedly land between 100,000 and 200,000 words, and there’s no way I’m writing that. I’ve always meant to upload the outline, but I got kind of self-conscious about the way I formatted it, and ugh I just haven’t bothered. One day, one day, right?
Moral of the story is I’m intensely a short story writer, and I’ve really found myself settling into that role over the last couple years. Better a clipped, punchy short story than a bloated slog of an epic.
16. Which of the WIPS will most likely be finished first?
Literally no one knows that. I wrote 95% of the observable entropy of a closed system over five years ago, and then I proceeded to pull it out roughly once a year and write and rewrite various endings until last month, which was when I finally figured out how I wanted to end the story. septet, too, languished for about five years before I finally remembered it existed and managed to wrangle an ending. Endings are hard, man. So are those third plot points. Terrible creatures, those, bog me down every time.
17. Which WIP are you looking forward to finishing?
Uh... mm. See. If I were looking forward to finishing any of them, I’d be actively working on them. At this moment, writing fic isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities, but I am also coming off a four-day idle game bender, so I still feel like I haven’t quite reengaged with myself as a living person. Give me another few days and I might have an answer.
(I am always most looking forward to finishing this ridiculous Ignis-drives-the-Audi-R8 fic that’s been languishing in my wips for literal years. As mentioned above, third plot points. Killer, man.)
(oh and also the working-titled the art of murder. Scott and Penny attend a private art auction. Things don’t go to plan. It, too, is stuck at the third plot point. I know, I know I have a problem, shush.)
18. Is there a WIP that you’re considering abandoning?
Any wip has the potential to be revived—this year and the old wips I’ve unearthed, dusted off, finished, and posted have been proof of that. I don’t intentionally permanently abandon anything for that reason, some stories just probably will remain dusty old wips forever because I didn’t actually need or want to write the full story for one reason or another.
19. Which complete fic would you consider rewriting?
Now that’s an interesting question. Hmm! Honestly? None of them. Once I finish a story, I’m not inclined toward rereading it again any time soon, to the point of years in some cases, and I feel like I’ve moved on from the stories I wrote one, two, five, eight years ago in the actual writing sense. They’re finished stories, and on top of that are relics of their time, which doesn’t mean the stories don’t have any ongoing significance on a reading level—I just don’t have any interest in rewriting those particular stories. I’ve gotten them out of my head, to the point of not remembering at least a third of them on demand anymore, and I don’t have any desire to “retell” those exact stories. I do tend to tighten the wording and fix perceived errors/weaknesses whenever I do end up rereading an old story, and I usually silently update the AO3 version if I make any significant changes because AO3 makes it a breeze to update a posted fic. I might do FFnet too if I’m feeling up to it or have the time.
20. Which complete fic is your favourite?
Once upon a time I would’ve said Holding On, but I honestly find it kind of unbearably melodramatic now. the observable entropy of a closed system is equally melodramatic, as it was written in the same era, but at least it has the excuse of being told in second person and via a style that is a half step away from being poetry. Possibly I will reread it in a few years and find it equally obnoxious and overly dramatic, but it received some shockingly positive comments, which I wasn’t expecting at ALL, and I’ve been honestly blown away by the amount of praise it’s received. <3 to everyone who’s said anything about it!
21. What’s your total published word count?
141,000 on AO3, 160,000 on FFnet, but technically the light of my life SS wrote fifty thousand words of each. It’s too late for math.
I tag @velkynkarma, @lurkinglurkerwholurks, @writtenbyrain, @thebaconsandwichofregret, and anyone else who wants to play!
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Get to Know me April Part 1
[Picture ID: A banner with a blue night sky and visible stars on the upper half and violet dust on the lower half. In the middle is a golden decoration that looks like flowers with a small golden rectangle between it saying: Get to Know me End ID]
Hi and welcome to my first “Get to know me” Post. Throughout April 2021 I have nothing better to do than give you some insight about me, my WIPs and all that jazz.
So let’s start.
I am 37 years old, which means I am sort of a “grandma” on Tumblr given the fact how many young folks and teenagers are around here. I live with my mother because we are both chronically ill and well, together we somehow manage to keep the household running.
The list of illnesses is long, and I spare you to read it all, but I can say so far it is a “lovely” mix of mental and physical stuff with chronic pain being the main culprit.
Identifying as bisexual and demisexual for over a decade I start to question a lot about myself couple of months ago because of some discussions I had with friends. Since childhood, I always counted as a tomboy because I have zero interest in lots of typical girl things. I once got a Barbie for my sixth birthday and killed it within an afternoon. I think that says a lot. Plus I was always more the jean, shirt, and sneaker person and only wear dresses when they are these super comfortable t-shirt/sweatshirt dresses I still can wear with pants.
Listing all the shows and stuff I like would take a lot of time, so I spare us all this long list. I am always in for fantasy, sci-fi, supernatural or thriller shows/movies and books. I grew up on shows like Star Trek and Star Wars (yeah, I love both), Xena, Hercules, Buffy, Charmed, X-Files, Looney Toons and various Marvel and DC cartoon shows (again, yeah I love both).
When I am not writing I either create jewelry with epoxy resin or wire, go swimming, draw when I can, like to play videogames and discovered book binding for myself thanks to the rehab center I go to which has these close to real work environment approach.
I am notorious for starting new WIPs or switching through the started WIPs since I only can write them when I feel them in some way. It is less a interest/motivation thing for me. But I am also notorious for making at least one playlist for each WIP. You don’t want to see my Spotify, you will just shake your hand and ask how someone can have so many playlists. The secret is: Character list, story lists that work as outline, lists for certain scenes, and so on.
Since I am a spoonie and must decide where to put my energy every day. Most of the time I am only able to do some minor stuff in regards or reading/reblogging/tag games and I only can keep track of a small amount if mutual WIPs. So, when an answer or such takes longer, you know why.
I started writing when I was 12 with fanfics before I even knew there was a term for it. I started with terrible self-insert Star Trek Voyager fics and yeah, I still love Star Trek, along other shows of all genres. I was around 16 when I tried my first original fiction which mostly got lost during the last move. I have only one of the three I had and while I liked the basic idea the way I wrote it was not good. So much youthful ignorance. I summed up the basic idea somewhere and threw it away because I would need to redo it completely someday. I
I took a break from writing between age 19 and 23 because of school and having a bad time with migraines all the time. I picked it up again during college after I started reading fanfics and the first fanfic, I ever posted was for NCIS. Yeah, a wild jump here, that is sort of typical for me. For the next 8 years I would write fanfics for NCIS, Criminal Minds, Stargate Atlantis, and White Collar. Sometimes I threw in some other shows for crossover reasons. I still have this weird Criminal Minds /Buffy -The Vampire Slayer crossover fic half-finished somewhere, I think.
At around 25/26 I started writing original stories again. The first one was a supernatural lesbian vampire story I seriously need to rework because my style changed so much. There is also the dystopian harem story where I realized just a year ago, I started at the wrong point. And then there was the AU fanfic that would become the base for “Mystical World”, my WIP with which I started on Tumblr in August 2016.
Well, technically, I didn’t join writblr before December that year, but yeah, I am heading towards year five on this site. Over the course of this time I expanded from writing solely fantasy to other genres as well.
That’s it for today. More in 2 days. See you there.
Tag list @gwens-fiction @danaspriddy @starlitesymphony @thatfizzyyyy @chris-the-dragonslayer @ayzrules @kiaradimari
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20 Questions Writer’s Edition
@gripefroot, thank you for the tag! 🧡
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
4
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
150, 310. BUT I only started on AO3 this year. Before my 9 year hiatus from fanfiction, I posted exclusively on my livejournal, which, read at your own risk, I guess?
3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
I had to go to my old Livejournal tags for the answer, which is 10 -- ACOTAR, Parks & Recreation, Community, Chuck, Law & Order UK (for some reason, only the UK edition?), Life On Mars, Ashes to Ashes, House, Doctor Who, Harry Potter
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
There are only 4, but, in order, they're:
Bloom & Bone (Elain/Tamlin, Vassa/Lucien)
aren't you scared (well that's just fine) (Gwynriel with a side of Emorie)
the pilgrim soul in you (Vassien)
as the heart grows bolder (Helion/Lady of Autumn)
5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
I try to respond to all of them, because I really appreciate anybody who takes the time to comment on my writing! I'm not at 100%, but close.
6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Lately, that would be as the heart grows bolder, but I did write some extremely angsty House fic circa 2006 that I hope never again sees the light of day.
7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
Bloom & Bone! After I finished my first draft, I thought it might be too happy, but I stand by it. It's definitely the happiest ending I've ever written, though.
8. Do you write crossovers? If yes, what’s the craziest thing you’ve written?
No, which is kind of funny given that my dream scenario is all of my friends being friends with each other.
9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not that I can remember! Which is kind of wild, given that I just finished writing a big Elain/Tamlin fic and also once wrote Martha/Master Doctor Who fic.
10. Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Yes but tasteful? I wrote my first intense s*x scene where everyone had a good time a few months ago and I loved it. Before that, I'd written either quick scenes or they were extremely literary and no one enjoyed themselves.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
This is embarrassing, but a "friend" once stole a paragraph from one of my fics... and I left them a comment complimenting them on it, only to realize what had happened a few months later. I never spoke to that person again.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No but if you ever want to translate my fics, that would be amazing!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic?
Once! I'm down to do it again in the future, though.
14. What’s your all time favourite ship?
The thing about me is that I ship every ship when I really think about it.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
Nine years ago, I wrote a Community AU where Jeff was Annie's law school professor and only got halfway through -- I still like it but I think too much time has passed.
16. What’s your writing strengths?
Writing beautiful sentences and developing characters.
17. What’s your writing weaknesses?
I hate writing battle scenes and always try and find a way to break them down into smaller pieces or avoid the battle through diplomacy. Anything to avoid having to learn military strategy.
18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?
This is interesting because a lot of my original fiction deals with Cubans and Cuban-Americans, who speak a lot of Spanish. So I've thought about this issue a lot. I try to only use another language if it's essential to the story or character, or if the word/phrase only exists in that language. For example, in Spanish there's "aprovecha!" which literally translates to, "take advantage of your favorable situation!" and that's just not the same thing.
I try to provide translations when it flows in the story, but I don't always do this specifically for Spanish (or French, on the rare occasion when I use it) because it's relatively easy to look up.
19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Harry Potter, which I now feel weird about given everything we know about JKR.
20. What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?
Currently, it's aren't you scared? (well that's just fine). Something about Gwyn really, really clicked for me in that fic, and although I literally wrote it in a morning, I'm very proud of it. I'm working on a longer Gwynriel fic at the moment, and I think it's even better -- I can't wait until it's ready to share.
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8, 20, 24
Big kiss and hug
<3 Let's see what I got here :P
Do you listen to music while you write? If so, share a song that’s been inspiring you lately.
I do listen to music, yup. It's a mix, usually, of female singers, videogames music, steampunk-based... I don't usually listen to people signing per se or songs I can lose myself into because it might change the mood for the story I'm writing. I'm currently repeating some old music mix I put a long time ago with The Witcher -videogame- soundtrack. I'm writing a fantasy based thing at the moment so it's fitting :P In the case I'm writing something that is very personally linked to a character -I have those as well- I do tend to listen to that particular song on repeat while writing the scene or setting the tone for it.
What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?
Mmmmmh... For SwanQueen I tended to focus solely on Emma and Regina but I liked writing for Cora as well. I loathe her, mind you, but I always liked to be able to explore that side of Regina's psyche whenever it was possible. It hits close to home as I've said before and so being able to put words to things that are not often easy aided. For something closer to now... I'd say I love writing about a character I'm working on: Ireena. She acts as the mentor of the main character and is shady enough while not pretending to be so. A very tired millenial wanting to just sleep and let the world burn but nt being able to do so because the girl she has more or less adopted is one second away of letting everything burn would be her energy xD Another one would be Iaxl; a deaf bard. I spent months creating, checking and reworking them because I wanted to do a good job and I really love whenever I'm taking things from their prespective.
How did you come up with title for [x fic]? (which you later said that the title would be Inked Future)
As I told you I wish I had this very interesting way of choosing titles that I could explain and sound intelligent xD Alas, I do not. That's what happens when you write and post several times per day. When writing fics I often re-read the story I had written or my notes if I had just edited everything and went with what felt the most apt for it. There were jokes hidden here and there -some of my fics where linked for example and all of them happened under the same demiplane so to speak so the titles referred to the moment within the timeline they were written in but Inked Future was not one of those. Being a multichaptered and all. One of the few I wrote and if my memory serves correctly I actually finished. It's ancient, I'd probably delete it if I ever follow the link for it but I do remember the plot well enough as well as the time I wrote it. Back when I was still mostly posting in ffnet rather than in A03 and still submitting every other day a new chapter for the now dead "The Holiday" I wanted to write something in which each new chapter had this very "book-esque" feel, that's why each chapter had a name and each name began "The..." something. It made sense to bound everything together while winking to that book feel by using the word "Ink" xD I also posted, at some point during that year, a random one shot that I never actually got to finish beyond a few lines in where I described a decrepit castle where a beast made out ink resided. And there's Metallic Ink of course so you can say that I had a theme going on that I never got t completion.
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a year-in-review meme - for writers!
I thought up this writing meme for fic writers who might have been staring at the artists having their lovely and well-deserved collages of their work through the year - and wanted to join in the fun! also this works as a great reminder for those of you (and me) who’ve been thinking that they haven’t been writing as much as they want to, and allows you to go back to enjoy your old fic ;D
Rules: pick your favourite sentence from a work you posted / wrote during a month of 2020! if you didn’t write anything in any particular month, don’t worry! tell us what you were doing or use it as free space for runner-up sentences. after that, tag 8 people or more to do the meme!
That being said, here’s mine:
Tagged by: @rikacain !!
I’m tagging -- @flailinginlove @aviss @kiitsvne @stupidbadgers and @tea-blitz who doesn’t use tumblr anymore but WHATEVER. and anyone else who wants to do it! <3
~~~
JAN: (from Heavy Weight)
“Iruka felt Kakashi’s eye on him. Most people feared the Sharingan, and for good reason, but Iruka feared his real eye, his own eye. It had a way of seeing straight past Iruka’s defenses, no dōjutsu required, and deep into his soul.“
FEB: (from Old Pine)
“Do you want children?” Iruka asked, feeling like the timing was right.
Kakashi was quiet for a few moments. Iruka had learned to read Kakashi’s silences for what they were. It wasn’t hesitation like he had initially thought. Kakashi simply liked to think things through before answering immediately. Iruka liked that about him.
“I think we have four already,” Kakashi said, eyeing Sasuke, Naruto, Ino, and Sakura through the glass door.
Iruka laughed, but refrained from clarifying. He knew Kakashi understood what he meant and would answer him shortly. Iruka had also learned that Kakashi had a tendency to be indirect, before he got around to what he actually wanted to say.
MARCH: (from Mouthful)
“So, Kakashi.” Iruka said, unable to stand still any longer. “We both like what we see. Now what?”
He wasn’t usually this forward, but he was feeling it tonight. All of this playful banter was riling him up—it was his favorite way to flirt.
“I like a man whose direct,” Kakashi said, shifting his stance to lean an elbow on the table. “But hmm,” he hummed. “I don’t know.”
He gave Iruka a seemingly bored look, as if the obvious invitation to leave together was lost on him.
“Well, I like a man whose decisive, so I guess that rules you out.”
Kakashi let out a hard, surprised laugh. He downed the rest of his beer, and took Iruka by the hand, pulling him out of the bar without a word.
APRIL: (from A New Chapter)
“I don’t know how to put this,” Sakumo started, “but… what the hell is that?”
Kakashi looked at where his Father was pointing.
“Uh… a diaper…?” Kakashi guessed, not sure where this was going. They had about a million others, in every color and pattern you could imagine, folded and stacked in the closet. Iruka wanted to go the re-usable route, and several of his students mother’s were eager to gift them. Kakashi had been less than thrilled by the extra laundry.
“Yes. It’s a diaper, Kakashi. Very good. Tell me, did you have both eyes closed when you put it on?”
MAY: (From Cake Substitution No Jutsu)
“What’s this?” Iruka asked as Kakashi entered the kitchen, a fully dressed Tomo whizzing past them both.
“Ah, it’s a backpack,” Kakashi said, crossing over to Iruka excitedly. “I saw it on display in a shop window while doing Gai’s scavenger hunt. Its arms and legs are the straps, so when you wear it, it looks like it’s riding on your back.”
Iruka smiled, turning it around in his hands, noticing the zipper and a few pockets.
“That’s actually pretty ador—”
Iruka stopped speaking. The tail was tightly curled up inside plastic casing still.
“Kakashi,” Iruka said, feeling his eyebrow twitch. “Is this… is this a leash?”
“No. It’s a Puppy Pal… with an exceptionally long tail.”
“It’s a leash,” Iruka deadpanned. “A leash for a child.”
“You put Tomo inside a barrier the other day as a playpen,” Kakashi said, a matter of factly. “Why can’t I have some help controlling her?”
“That’s… that’s different!” Iruka exclaimed, feeling his cheeks heat in contradiction. “Would you like it if I put you on a leash, Kakashi?”
Iruka regretted it the second it came out of his mouth. He could practically see the wolfish grin forming beneath Kakashi’s mask.
JUNE: (from Use Your Imagination)
They laid in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the night through the cracked window—distant cars on the street, a lone dog barking, upbeat music wafting from a floor below them.
Kakashi never wished for time to stop. In fact, he tried to keep himself as busy as possible—he chose a career that ate up most of his life for a reason. But right now? He wished time didn’t exist, hyperaware of how quickly it would pass before Iruka was back on a plane tomorrow.
He traced circles into Iruka’s lower back, watching as the brown skin pressed against his broke out in a wave of goosebumps. Iruka shivered, and then shifted, and Kakashi wondered if he was falling asleep.
He selfishly continued his adorations, wanting to keep Iruka in this realm with him for a little while longer. He expanded his rake, sliding his fingers up Iruka’s spine, skirting around his scar, and back down again.
Kakashi wasn’t one to believe in divine intervention, or soulmates. He’d acted in enough corny films to almost make him hate the notion entirely. But the fact that a man as perfect as Iruka had come into his life so serendipitously—and just as scarred as he was—was something he couldn’t overlook.
It made Kakashi’s heart ache with want, before that ache traveled down, and curled into his gut.
JULY: (from Love Me As You Are)
“And then you demeaned their lives by calling them your soldiers—”
“—is that not what they are?!” Kakashi cut across him, getting upset. “You’re as much a part of this system as I am, sensei! We both know the truth of it, whether we like it or not. I just called it by it’s name.”
“But they’re people too, Kakashi! Kids. They’re so much more than soldiers…”
“That’s not how I was treated,” Kakashi said before he could catch himself.
Iruka’s mouth fell open with a punched sound.
“Kakashi…”
His tone was soft and free of the anger it held a moment ago.
“Forget I said that,” Kakashi said, turning away, his cheeks heating up—the last thing he wanted was Iruka’s pity. “It doesn’t matter.”
“No,” Iruka said, shaking his head as he took a step towards him. “I’m not going to forget you said that. It does matter because you matter. You deserved to have somebody stand up for you too, Kakashi. I’m so sorry Konoha failed you.”
Kakashi’s eyes burned with tears—he bit his tongue, refusing to let them fall. Those words pierced him straight through the heart. It was everything he never knew he needed to hear.
AUG:
um I didn’t write anything this month because my wife and I separated annnd my whole life was uprooted as I moved to a different country ksjdhgkdsj
SEPT: (from I’ll Fall, If You Do)
Their relationship was going really well. There were days where Kakashi still turned him away, usually corresponding with the mornings he had therapy. It was frustrating, because Iruka just wanted to be there for him, for Kakashi to open up to him completely, but he didn’t push. He knew that would only make it worse. They didn’t fight anymore, but Iruka regularly had to correct the language Kakashi used towards himself, and sometimes it was irritating for the both of them.
But mostly… it was amazing. Their chemistry was incredible. Electric. And not just in the bedroom—they were never far from each other, drawn in like magnets, grounded by a simple touch or brush of hands. Kakashi hadn’t even left the room twenty minutes ago, and already Iruka felt the pull.
He jumped up from his seat and went to go find him.
OCT: (From Language Gap)
Iruka glanced out the bus window, his body instinctively knowing where they were about to pass. The building was still empty twenty years later, the brick still scorched, and Iruka’s nightmares were still plagued by the fire despite not being there when it broke out. He’d been sent on a delivery on foot — one steaming container of karē udon — two blocks away. He delivered to the same old lady everyday, and she always kept him longer than necessary, pressing sweets into his palm. When he had come back, the noodle shop was aflame. In his shocked state, he distantly heard something about a grease fire, before he was whisked away by the hand by his childhood friend Asuma, living with him and his father from that day on.
Iruka sighed and stood up, making his way towards the door since his stop was next. He really wished the city would do something about the building. Every time he saw it, it made him feel oddly exposed and vulnerable, like his past was staring straight at him.
He shook his head a little and stepped off the bus.
NOV: (From Brand New Sound)
Kakashi watched in stunned silence for a moment, trying to get his heartbeat under control as color effortlessly flowed from the artist’s hand onto the brick. Whoever this was, they had sort of become one of Kakashi’s heroes. People always said meeting your heroes was never a good idea—bound to be disappointing—because it brought them down to a human level.
But that was precisely what attracted Kakashi to this artist in the first place—the sheer, raw, humanness. The way they tackled hard emotions and vulnerability, baring everything through their work for others to see. It was honest and transformative, and Kakashi spent more nights than he could ever count wandering the streets when he couldn’t sleep, hoping to catch a mural he’d never seen before it was painted over. Sometimes he did, and sometimes he’d sit in front of ones he already knew and found new meaning in them.
DEC: (from Perks of Promotion)
“But why now?” Iruka insisted. “Why ask me out now? Right after I’ve made tokubetsu jounin? When we’ve known each other for years?”
Oh.
Kakashi paused, the realization dawning on him. He didn’t blame Iruka for being suspicious of his intentions; he’d heard the way people said ‘the chuunin sensei’ or ‘the chuunin desk worker’ like it was some kind of insult. It always pissed him off.
Kakashi stared at his feet for a moment before lifting his head again, leveling Iruka with a serious stare. “Because I didn't think I’d live past 21. Because it took me an obscenely long time to become a barely functioning adult. Because I never had the guts before… I-I still don’t, not really, if you can’t tell by how much I’m fumbling around here,” he said with a nervous laugh.
#kakairu#my fic#hatake kakashi/umino iruka#this is VERY long#i dont expect ppl to read it lmao#but it was really fun#*sweats* yeah i picked one sentence.....#also WOW#i published something every month (sometimes twice!!)#except for august#which is... understandable#this was a really cool idea#thanks for tagging me rika :D#writer meme
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Pond Diving - Imagineteamfreewill
Welcome to today’s Pond Diving Spotlight! We hope that you enjoy this little insight to our members and perhaps even find some useful tips for your own writing. Happy reading!
Want to volunteer, send us an ask! We’re looking forward to learning more about all of you! Not sure what PD is, you can learn more here.
“Don’t Be Koi About It” - All About You
Name: Meg
Age: 20s
Location: United States
URL: @imagineteamfreewill
Why did you choose your URL: I first started out structuring my stories as imagines, and the “Team Free Will” part was pretty obvious.
What inspired you to become a writer: Reading Supernatural fanfiction inspired me to get back into writing, but I’ve always enjoyed it. My mom likes to talk about how when I was in Kindergarten, I drew a picture about how I wanted to be an author and now I write in my free time.
How long have you been writing: According to tumblr, I’ve been writing fanfiction since 2014, but I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember.
What do you do when you are not writing i.e. Job/Hobbies etc? I’m a music teacher, so I sing and play piano, and I’ve played a bit of cello and tenor saxophone as well. I love movies, baking, sleeping, and a few video games.
How long have you been in the SPN Fandom? I joined sometime around Season 8 or 9, I think. I don’t really remember!
Are you in any other fandoms and do you write for them? I really enjoy Marvel and I’ve read a lot of Marvel fics, but I don’t write for them. I like a lot of TV shows (New Girl, Parks and Rec, The Good Place, Outlander, etc), but I wouldn’t consider myself part of the fandom.
Do you do any writing outside of fanfiction? If so, tell us about it? I love to write poetry. I had a poetry blog at truenorth-ink a while ago, but I haven’t updated it recently at all. Most of my poems aren’t published or posted anywhere.
Favorite published author: I love some of the early series by Rick Riordan and I also really enjoy poetry by Nikita Gill and Atticus. Lately, I've really been getting into Leigh Bardugo's books.
Have you ever read a book that made an impact on your life? Which one and why?: I think "East" by Edith Pattou really affected me! I read it when I was in 6th-8th grade and I think about it often. I think it's something that really stuck with me and got me interested in fantasy books so much. I read it at least once a year.
Favorite genre of fanfic (smut, angst, fluff, crack, rpf, etc): I love angsty stuff, and most of the time I prefer it when it has some fluff mixed in. Straight fluff is often hard for me to read because I need something that’s more realistic for my own life and point of view. I also really like whump, but that can be a lot sometimes so it depends on my mood.
Favorite piece of your own writing: I don’t know if I have a favorite, but I loved writing Back to the Start (my mermaid series) and The Switch (a canon-divergent apocalyptic Reader x Sam series). Right now, I'm really enjoying my Consort series (a Goddess!Reader x Dean series). Creating my own rules in my own little universes is one of my favorite things to do, especially since I can’t always do whatever I want in real life.
Most underrated fic you have written: Empire. I loved getting to write Boyking!Sam because it was so different from my normal Sam stories and I did a lot of research for it. I’m pretty proud that the story never got too bloody or gory, too, so if you want some Boyking!Sam that’s not drenched in blood (for lack of a better term), I’m your girl!
Story of yours that you’d most like to see turned into a movie/tv show: Probably Back to the Start or The Switch. I think those two series would be amazing to see with J2, the rest of the cast/characters I included, and special effects! There’s so much I’d want to explore with both of them that I didn’t put into the series.
Favorite Tumblr Writer(s): @luci-in-trenchcoats, @sunlightdances, @supernaturalfreewill, @lipstickandwhiskey, @smol-and-grumpy, @percywinchester27, and @kaz2y5-imagines
Favorite fic from another writer: I don’t think I could pick just one, but I’ve read all of @sunlightdances Dean fics multiple times. Her works got me through some pretty sucky times in my life and I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of her writing! I’ve also been reading her Bucky fics recently and it’s made me love Marvel fics even more than before!
Favorite character to write: Sam Winchester
Favorite Pairing to write: Reader x Sam (Reader x Dean is a close second)
Least favorite character to write (and why): I don’t like to write for Crowley or Gabriel. Gadreel is hard for me even though I can do it, but I don’t understand Crowley or Gabriel’s personalities at all because they’re literally so far away from mine.
Do you have anyone you consider a mentor? No, although @lipstickandwhiskey and @kaz2y5-imagines really encouraged me in my writing!
Do you have any aspirations involving your writing? I would love to write a non-Supernatural work of fiction to publish, but that’s a long way off.
How many work-in-progress stories do you have: Oh Lord, I have so many! I have at least four series and two one shots in the works right now. I've also got over 100 one shots/series plotlines written out in the notes on my phone and various Google Docs.
What are you currently working on? I’m currently working on a Cinderella series, my Underworld series, my Puer Rex series, my Consort series, an Author!Sam fic, and an Author!Dean fic. I also write stories for my Words series now and again.
“Pond Diving” - All About The Writing
What/who has had the biggest influence on your writing? Reading other people’s work. The intense storylines of @luci-in-trenchcoats ’s fics have gotten me to be more bold with my writing and the emotions and description in @supernaturalfreewill’s works have inspired me to let my work have more feeling.
Best writing advice you've been given: Not necessarily writing advice, but I was once told that anything worth doing is worth doing at least a little bit every day. Think about it—if you wrote even just five minutes a day, how much better will you get over the course of a month? A year?
Biggest obstacle you’ve faced in your writing: Repetition of words and commas. So many commas and so many uses of the same word over and over again. It’s a hard balance between using the word and using synonyms without sounding like I’m sitting there googling synonyms for “said”. I also tend to spend a lot of time on things that I think are super important but aren’t really important in the long run. I’m wordy as hell and my writing would be dull if I didn’t edit it as thoroughly as I do.
What aspects of writing do you find difficult when you write fanfiction? A lot of times I have these ideas that I think would make a great series but I don’t think through them, so planning out the plot of a series (or even a standalone fic) beforehand is something I struggle with.
Is there anything you want to write but are afraid to (and why): I would love to write more fics that have the characters dealing with severe mental disorders or that take place in a mental hospital, but I’m afraid that I’ll portray something wrong and solidify harmful stereotypes about what it’s like to deal with those things.
What inspires/motivates you to write: Honestly, just wanting to write things that I enjoy. Sometimes I get sick of reading other peoples’ stuff since it’s not exactly what I want, so I just write my own!
How do you deal with self doubt: Understand that sometimes it happens. You’ll doubt yourself—everybody does. If I’m doubting myself or my writing, I’ll take a break until I remember why I write. Then I’ll remember that yeah, writing for an audience is fun, but I write because I have cool ideas I want to explore, not because I need the attention or love of strangers. Lastly, I’ll reread my old fics, especially the ones I love, and then I’ll go back and edit old fics that I haven’t looked at in a while. That way I can see how I’ve improved and I don’t feel so terrible anymore! Reading my own fics is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine, and I’ll read through my masterlists every once a while just to remind myself of the things I’ve loved, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.
How do you deal with writer's block: Like I said, I reread old fics and edit old fics that I haven’t looked at in a while. Seeing the things I’ve done before always helps to focus me. I’ll also read other people’s stuff or talk about headcanons with some friends to try and find some inspiration.
Do you plan/outline your story before you start: Lately I have been, but only because my periods of intense inspiration and productivity are getting farther and farther apart because of my job. I’ve found planning it out to be more and more helpful, especially for my series. A lot of times if I get a great idea, I’ll outline the whole plot or any significant details I want to put in that one shot/series so that I can come back to it whenever I have the time or I’m inspired for it again.
Do you have any weird writing habits: I write best in places that are unfamiliar to me or in places/times where I shouldn’t be writing. Class? Writing. Airport terminal? Writing. 4am when I have to be up at 6? Writing.
Have you ever received hateful comments on your fic and how do you deal with it? Not that I remember! I feel like there’s probably been one or two over the years, but I probably just got upset about it with my friends for a while and then got over it.
Conversely: what’s been some of your favorite feedback on your fanfic? A long time ago, when I was writing Back to the Start, I had one person who sent me asks for every single series update. I screenshotted them and saved them on my laptop. There’s one particular one where they say that they’re happier because of my writing and honestly, isn’t that what we all strive for? That people’s lives are better because of our stories? I’ve also had some pretty great friends recently who’ve made it a point to reblog and send asks/messages on all my works, which has been so meaningful that I never replied to the asks. They’re sitting in my inbox and I go through and reread them sometimes when I’m feeling down.
If you could give one piece of advice to a new and/or struggling writer, what would it be? Write down everything. If you come up with an amazing piece of dialogue, even if it’s just one sentence or one person talking, or if you come up with something you’d think would be a great title… WRITE IT DOWN. It doesn’t matter if it fits into whatever you’re currently writing or not, it’ll come in handy! I don’t know how many times I’ve gone through my idea list and found really obscure lines/titles/inspiration that didn’t make sense when I wrote them down, but are now exactly what I need to finish a fic. Even if you don’t end up using it, jotting down your ideas is still writing, and that’s good practice!
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Gamers gotta game
Pairing: Gamer!jungkook x Nerd!Reader x Fuckboy!Jimin
Genre: Future smut, fluff and angst (the holy package).
Warnings: None in this part, actually.
A/N: This is my very first fic posted on here, please give me any kind of feedback you feel I might need. Not edited v.
1 | 2
*gif not mine*
PART 1
▪♡▪
7:34 am
You was almost late when you jumped out of bed and made it to the bathroom, your first class starts at 8:15 and you still had to walk for 20 minutes to get there. This left you with an empty stomach and a lack of caffeine for the rest of the morning, the class itself wasn't bad but you couldn't pay much attention to Mr. Patrick talking about some impossible function. After what felt like days, you were finally lunching with your friends on the cafeteria.
"Y/N, how could you forget my skirt?" Kenny said with her puppy eyes. You promised her you would borrow her some clothes that your mom insisted on buying for the sake of you "going out more".
"Sorry K, can't you pick it up tomorrow?" Your month were already full of sandwich.
"I guess it will do... Are you sure you won't come tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'm not the frat party type, you know it" And specifically not this one, the Beta Tau Sigma were a fucking no-no for you after your first party with them on freshmen year. This guys are just crazy and loud as fuck.
Since it was a Friday, you made plans to watch some documentaries and order pizza with some wine. It was just perfect.
Well, almost perfect if it wasn’t for the hungover from the cheap wine the day after. This was a typical Saturday afternoon, Kenny knocked at your door to hang out with you and you guys chatted about school stuff and about her crush that is supposed to be at the party.
“What if he is already with other random girl and I don’t even know?” You stared at Kenny’s eyes with a scowl in your face.
“What makes you think like that?”
“I don’t know, Jin is a very popular guy and older than us, from what I know he has no reason to tell me the truth.”
“So he has no reason to lie to you as well, dummy.”
And the afternoon passed like that, Kenny was already at the door when you shout to her:
“Get home safe bitch!“
“And you stay safe in yours sweetheart!“
▪♡▪
(1:23)Kbae: bich, wasuuuuupp
The sudden noise scared you but you got up from the couch to go catch your phone in the kitchen table.
(1:24)You: Are you ok?
Kbae: I thik I lost m cell
You: No, you didn’t
It was a little late for you to deal with drunk Kenny but a side of you were worried that she wasn’t home yet.
You: Where are you?
Kbae: Im los at the bathroom
You: Your bathroom?
Kbae: nooo im PRTYING LOL
Ok, now you are officially worried she’s going to get her head in the toilet at any moment.
You: Is anyone with you??
Kbae: no that bitc left m
So you remembered that Lisa, Kenny’s friend was there. You try to reach her with no success. You can’t believe she’s getting you out of the comfort of your couch because of her low alcohol tolerance, that dumb bitch…
You: Don’t move a single bone, I’m coming and you will pay me for this later.
The uber was almost there when you received the reply.
(1:50)Kbae: bt I hve no mony
The BTS house wasn´t that far from your place, but it was enough time for you to start regretting your decision. The single thought of a place full of people and loud noise was making you really anxious. When the Uber arrived you took at least 5 minutes getting out of the car, you knew something bad was going to happen with the bad luck you had.
The entrance had just two guys that, from what you guess, should be the security or something like that. You go straight to the door but you fail on not getting attention from the two.
“Hey, do we know you?” The blond guy ask you just when you were getting in.
“Probably not, I’m not the party type. Just here to pick up my friend.”
The blond guy look to the other that seem a little waisted.
“Yeah? What’s her name?” The waisted one shout at you.
“Kenny.”
They look at each other with a little surprise and the blond one say:
“The last time I saw her she was upstairs, are you sure she asked you here?”
“Hyung, let her in, I know her.” The voice comes from inside and you recognize it from your Contemporary Literature class, It’s Namjoon. You never thought he was into frat parties…
“Hi Y/N, I’m sorry for Yoongi and Hoseok here. They are just making sure you aren’t someone from a rival frat or something.” I laugh at the thought of it.
“It’s okay, have you seen Kenny?” You say as a proof of what he’s saying, Namjoon and Kenny are in the same major and maybe he would know where her dumb ass is.
“Not really”
When you get upstairs looking for her you see something you were afraid of seeing, but you know it was inevitable since it was a BTS party. Your ex, well not really an ex since you never had an actual relationship – what actually made the things worse. Jimin was a typical fuckboy but a smartass one for your bad luck, he was almost better than you in your classes and sweet with you. You didn’t know his fame back then and that led into you falling for someone who just saw you as a fuckbuddy. Since you never told him your real feelings, he never knew the reason for your sudden distance, he probably thought you got tired of him and with time he didn’t reach you anymore. And for it not being awkward, you made sure you didn’t took any classes with him this semester.
There you were standing in front of him kissing someone against the wall, you were just frozen in place when you remembered why you was there: Kenny. You almost run to a corridor that had a door with “WC” wrote on it.
But Kenny wasn’t there, actually there was another couple making out, which made you blush and say a lot of apologies after you saw the face of the guy: Jin. You closed the door and rested at a nearest wall, this night is getting worse and worse.
Ok, just breathe. If she’s not there, where?
You started calling her but she stopped answering you since you got there. You tried Lisa but with no success. So you decided to look downstairs but just when you’re reaching the stairs you collided with someone and thanks to your bad luck it was Jimin, of course.
“Y/N?”
“Hum… Hi.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Kenny.”
“Oh, she made you come.”
“Yeah, you can say that.”
“Well, do you want some vodka? I know you’re not a big fan of beer.”
“Actually someone is waiting for me, sorry have to go” And you run to the closest door praying for it to be open and for the first time that night things worked out and you got no problem getting in. There was a guy in a computer in the room it took him just a few seconds to notice you.
“Hey! Don’t you know how to read? There is a sign at door saying DO NOT ENTER THIS ROOM you…” and the man sited before you turned his chair to see you.
“I’m sorry, can I hide here for a little?” He was shocked to see that you weren’t, first thing, trying to find a spot to make out – since you were alone – and second, drunk.
With a sad smile he said “Some weirdo is following you?”
I felt bad for lying but it was almost it wasn’t it?
“Yeah…”
“No problem, you can lay on the bed for a while.”
The room was not that big but it had two single beds and a study space with the most expensive-looking computer you’ve ever seen. When you sat on the bed, the guy returned to do something on the pc and put his headphones on again. When you got to see what he was doing you notice he was playing some game, who plays games on a party? Weird. Not that you were in a less awkward position.
“HYUNG, can’t you see the MAP?”
You were startled with the sudden shout and nearly jumped on the bed, then he turned to you and said:
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”
You just nodded and he returned to talk with someone on the game. So you remembered about the Kenny matter, where did this bitch went? You got your phone and text her like crazy, called Lisa and finally you got an idea: her roommate. You call Jisoo and she picks up rather quickly.
“Hello?” Her voice seemed a little sleepy, you must had woke her up.
“Hi, it’s Y/N. I’m sorry for waking you up but I’m trying to find Kenny. Did she go home?”
“Oh, yeah. She arrived here about 20 minutes ago, super wasted and crying. Did something happen?”
Oh, no. Seokjin.
“I don’t really know, but thanks for answering me this late.”
“It’s nothing, any time.”
“Well, good night.”
“Good night.”
Finally, the nightmare is over. Well not really over, you have to get out of this hell before that. So, you get up and go to the door, not really wanting to bother the man on his game. But he heard your steps and turned to you.
“Are you going?”
“Yeah, I’ll try to get home.” And you go back to your way.
“Wait.”
You look at him and he seems a little self-conscious with what he has to say.
“I can take you to the door so you won’t get into trouble with the guy again.” He says that with a hand on the back of his neck. You feel bad for telling him a lie and make him worry about you, he seems nice.
“Ahm, I don’t think its that of a big deal. I don’t want to bother you any more that I already had.”
“It’s no trouble at all, actually I had delivered food and it should be in the way right now.”
“Okay then.” And you two go downstairs to reach the door as you’re praying you won’t see Jimin in the way there. When you got in the balcony you called an Uber and a strange silence got to the both of you.
“Ah.. I didn’t actually got your name.”
“It’s Jungkook, and yours?”
“I’m Y/N, thanks for letting me hide on your room.”
“Oh, it’s nothing.”
And the silence came again…
“Ahm… Is it your first party here? I don’t remember you from before.”
“Well, I’m not much of a party goer kind of girl.” He laugh at that and your face turned into a frown.
“I’m not laughing at you, I don’t like parties that much too as you could see.” You smile at that, yeah playing games wasn’t much of a party activity.
“Why do you live on a frat then?”
“That’s what I ask myself every day.”
That’s when your car arrived and both of you said your goodbyes.
(3:36) Jimin: Hey, missed seeing you.
A/N: Thanks for reading, I’ll try to do part two if this one succeed. Send me a message I’d love that.
#jeongguk#jeon jungkook#bts#bts jeon jungkook#bts fluff#fluff#bts angst#bts jimin#jimin#park jimin#bts fanfction#fanfic#jungkook scenarios#jungkook x reader#jungkook smut#jungkook fluff#jimin fluff#jimin smut#jimin x reader#jungkook imagine#bts imagines#bts park jimin#jungguk x reader#bts jungguk#jeon jungguk#gamer!jungkook#fuckboy!jimin
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2020 Writing (Year in Review)
In 2019, I posted 3K words on AO3.
In 2020, I posted 214K words on AO3.
I have probably written more fic this year than I have in my entire life... and I didn't even start until April.
Since I feel like I'm new to writing all over again (the last time I wrote regularly was probably about a decade ago), this has been a year of experimentation. One obvious change is that I'm writing from this "alt" account, where I've been posting whatever the hell iddy, gratuitous, self-indulgent stories happened to fall out of my brain. (Perhaps as a consequence, I noticed that the ratio of public bookmarks across all my fics clocked in at around 50%. In other words, half the people who bookmarked my works chose to do so privately!)
I also experimented with:
participating in fic exchanges and prompt memes
writing for a variety of fandoms: big and small, new and dead
varying up my writing style: using present and past tenses, ranging from super florid descriptions to conversational prose
self-promotion on Tumblr, which meant attempting to learn how to use it. I'm sure I still don't have all the etiquette down, but no one's complained yet I guess.
My main project this year has been Once a Runner, the fic that got me started writing again, so I owe quite a lot to it. It's also sucked me deep into Eyeshield 21, a fandom that was active 10-15 years ago but still somehow has a few loyal fans. I am deeply grateful to these folks for... well... existing! In addition to OAR, I've written four other ES21 fics this year, each with a different pairing. In all but one fic, I managed to use a different obscure character tag that has never been used before!
This year, I've done a decent job (mostly) working on one big project at a time. I'm starting to get used to the feeling of always having an active writing project again, letting it churn away in my brain in a background process. Sometimes I'm rewarded with a scene or a plot idea that comes out of nowhere, like a plant that produces mysterious fruit - both delightful and worrying at the same time.
I wrap up this year embarking on a new project, Solid as Stone, which, as currently planned, is going to take me even further out of my comfort zone.
AO3 stats and meme responses below the cut.
My AO3 stats at the end of the year:
Meme questions:
Best title: Cloak and Dagger, Cape and Cowl
Worst title: Lightbringer Mine
Longest title: Their offers should not charm us (their evil gifts would harm us) (65 characters)
Shortest title: Talisman (8 characters)
Best first line: "Don't," the witcher's arm shot out, barring his companion mid-step, "touch."
Worst first line: Yeah, in hindsight, Sena shouldn't have answered that doorbell.
Best last line: "It will be done," he agrees, and presses the lilies into her hands. "My promise is solid as stone."
Worst last line: "I can't win or lose until you bring your strain to market. All I ask is that you hurry up and regrow, so we can really compete."
Conclusion: I need to work on endings.
Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted? I wrote more than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams.
What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year? Everything. I wasn't into any of these fandoms last year.
What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest. OAR, for sure. It got me back into writing, and I devoted an enormous amount of mental energy to it. Runners up (pun intended) were any ES21 rarepair fics where I lamented the lack of content for a pairing I loved, tried to explain everything I loved about them in fic form, and basically turned into my ship manifesto/soapbox. In fic form.
Okay, NOW your most popular story. Solid as Stone. OAR comes close by sole virtue of being a long, multichaptered work posted over 8 months, but with a single chapter of under 3K words, and having been up for under two weeks, SAS is already beating OAR in some statistics. I never realized Genshin Impact was such a hot fandom, even for a rarepair like this.
Story most underappreciated by the universe? All my stories got quite a bit more attention than I expected (thank you, everyone, sincerely), but I'd say Cloak and Dagger, Cape and Cowl. It's original, it was written in an exchange, and it has a decent plot (if I do say so myself) and even a bit of smut. Perhaps F/F work is not so popular?
Story that could have been better? I could probably list multiple things I'd want to improve about each story, but let me just limit myself to one. Lightbringer Mine had more story in it that I didn't get around to telling, and the ending felt a little abrupt. I feel a little awkward extending it now, though, as it was a gift fic.
Saddest story? Hmm, I think just about every story I wrote had a happy-ish ending. I suppose I'll go with C&D,C&C.
Most fun? TBH, the same? There are several lighthearted moments and a heist scene.
Most fucked-up story? Stars and Stripes Forever (lack of link intentional)
Hardest story to write? Once a Runner
Easiest/most fun story to write? Always Knew I'd Fall. I went skeet shooting once, and as soon as I had the idea that Kid and Hiruma might be good at it, the story basically wrote itself. I also thought the song from the title was too perfect of a Kid song to pass up.
Top five scenes you would like to see illustrated: I would die happy to see any scene from OAR illustrated. Off the top of my head, the Hiruma and Sena bathtub scene, haircutting scene, or Hiruma taunting Monta in the car when we first meet Monta. From other fics, Kid walking around the course with Hiruma and making him carrying his gun properly in "Always Thought I'd Fall", and Sara Spectacular blocking the shadow bolts in "Cloak and Dagger, Cape and Cowl".
Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I experimented with posting explicit works, and as it turns out, sex sells. I also really put my kinks out there (sexual and otherwise) and was surprised and gratified to find others who appreciated it. Conclusion: it's okay to write the fic that you've always wanted to write. Even if it's embarrassing, or if some will judge you for it, writing for likeminded souls makes more sense than writing to avoid critics.
What are your fic writing goals for next year? I have a lot more ideas for SAS, so I'd like to make that my next big project. I'm also signed up for Five Figure Fic Exchange, so that means I have a 10k fic due by the end of the month that I need to... start... Beyond that, I'd like to write more original works, perhaps something that I can even publish under my real name?? Is that crazy, brain??
Some specific things I've struggled with this year that I'd like to improve: titles and character names, physical descriptions, making my endings less abrupt
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