#i wish my father loved me more

[vermincritter]

Maybe the real baby girl was the old men we collected along the way <3

#he be ebbin on my neezer till i scrooge #netflix scrooge #scrooge #scrooge netflix #scrooge 2022 #lgbtq+ #i love old men #senior citizen rizz #i have daddy issues #i wish my father loved me more #little meow meow Ebenezer #eat hot chip and lie #cat boy scrooge

[ryllen]

Look what came through the mail today! The letters & ( •̀ω•́ )σ 3 little gremlins from letterstoear.

Just wanna say i adore the flower stickers on the letters too much, they are that much worth mentioning.

#letterstoear #nui #twst #twisted wonderland #sebek zigvolt #malleus draconia #twst grim #mod posting #okay but i love squishing the bears with my thumb; they just have the right thickness to be pressed on #i really like the flower stickers; they look like romantically artistic wax seal #the letters are pleasantly nice #i love the part where cheka personally request for an audience with yuu thru sebek 🥺🥺🥹🥹 too cute hnggh ....... #sebek becoming our little mailman for our little invitation aw 🥹 for those who wanna know the context of the letter; #i requested a letter from sebek that he sent home while he was away accompanying malleus on other country duty #my other favorite part is just him simply opening the letter with 'My love' #i'm sealed 🥹 the first paragraph is written so sweetly #i enjoy reading the letter slowly outside in peaceful afternoon today; i ran it through together with sebek nui #this will be my treasured keepsake from now on 🥹; it seriously made me miss letters and wish i have someone to send this kind of letter to #it was a bit funny how the envelope sebek's letter came from is sticked with the guys from free! sticker fhsdsh 🤣😂 #and me with the white haired guy like WHo are u?? fsjdsdjsd (´つヮ⊂); but it's a really nice service #the thank you letter came with such a cute and yummy folding paper; thank you for the stickers too #i feel like there's a bit whoopsie on grim's winky eye fshfh like i think the sharpie just blurs the separating space '<' supposed to have #and just combine it all together into one angry eye; and sebek bear's eyes are just a little bigger than i expected it to be #but the more i look at them i think they are just having a little individuality & still cute #i embraced it all together while knowing the fact none of handmade thing would always be the same one with the other; hehe sebek nui has fr #i kinda forget that there's this kind of clip earring fshd; because i always get the ones that work like screw from aliexpress #i know that the literal clip one would just be literal meaning of pain fsh; just like the magnet one my father once got me when i was a kid #it was painful but pretty; tho i lost it quickly bcs magnet easily get loosed once one part of it moves around when u touch ur hair or face #anyhow i had a pleasant day because of this; thank you very much ! sebek nui said 'thank you' too! ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ❀ ✿ 𖤣…

[pyjamacryptid]

I’m thinking about Gwen and Elyan tonight folks….. they were siblings, finally reunited after years, reconciled, and obviously cared for one another very much and there were hardly any on-screen interactions between them save for episodes where either one of them was in danger of some kind. Sigh.

I also know for a fact their exchanges would’ve been hilarious because it seemed that Elyan was the one person that knew how to annoy Gwen at light-speed LOL

yeselyanprincearthurofcamelot

#bbc merlin #merlin #I just really love siblings in media #and wish we got more of these two #in the ‘inbetween’ moments #I mean little moments like nudges and eye rolls #someone that brings out Gwen’s childish side the way only an annoying brother can #someone that brings out the goofier side behind elyan’s deadpan sarcasm #to know which one is the older one!!! (imo it’s Gwen) #to even see them standing together more often (and not just at their father’s grave 😭) #especially would’ve loved it while she was queen #Gwen’s trying to be professional and her idiot stoic brother is crossing his eyes at her across the room #to just tease her!!! and her tease him!!!! #I need elyan!! to give arthur!!!!!! a shovel talk!!!!!!! #and for Gwen to be like uh excuse me I haven’t seen you in years why do you think you can do this on my behalf #and Arthur is just like ‘you have my word no harm shall come to her’ #Gwen is sooo unimpressed with both of them she just leaves and they’re both like… #her displeasure is literally a fourth presence in the room … bro do u think we fucked up #idk bro… #let’s ask merlin. yeah let’s #merlin just laughs at them and tells them good luck #ok this ran away from me anyway #bbc Gwen #bbc elyan #guinevere pendragon #sir elyan #merlin meta #I guess? #ren rambles

[cerise-on-top]

Hank with an Eldritch Horror Reader

Here's another thing I wrote two years back! It was an interesting concept which I really liked, so I actually really enjoyed writing this request!

Hank J Wimbleton was a grunt of many things, but not one to be scared unless he had a good reason to be. There were many things in this world he did not understand, you were one of them. Upon meeting you, his first instinct would have been to either fight or run away - who could blame him, it was all he knew. No matter how many times you reassured him that the very last thing you wanted to do was to harm him, he’d draw his weapon, uncertain of whether or not he should believe your words.

Once you show no resistance towards him whatsoever and simply restrain him using your powers or other methods, that’s when, thrashing around as much as he could, he would start listening. You may or may not have seen a grunt up close, but this was your chance to finally examine one. As you scrutinise him from every possible angle Hank realises that you were simply curious about his being and finally lowers weapon.

Your voice would likely hurt his head and freeze the blood in his veins, so you might have to resort to telepathy or speak through a marionette, if you can find one. Though, once Hank’s interest in you has been piqued, he’d be more than happy to find you one. A lot of people in Nevada seem to be redundant in the first place. Regarding telepathy: You will be able to have a two-way conversation with Hank like that, but, for the most part, he doesn’t think in words. Still, he can do so, if needed.

If you’re on the rather small side, he will make an effort to pick you up, or hold you, and bring you back to base. Depending on whether you can float or not, this might be rather difficult, but he’ll try. If you’re large, however, then he will simply “tell” you to follow him. As an eldritch being you could likely either change your form or scare away anyone in your path in the first place, so he doesn’t particularly worry about anyone being stupid enough to attack you.

Spend time with him, he’ll get used to you more and more and, eventually, grow a bond with you. Proud, he’ll show you to Doc so he can figure out what you are, but do not be fooled. Hank wants to know what you are to some degree too. Once comfortable with you and certain you won’t harm him, he’ll start observing you, touching you to some degree. See how you react, how you feel, how you are.

Despite your conversations being, for the most part, one-sided, Hank will ask you directly what you are and if you’re some form of eldritch deity. Since you’re an amicable creature he can’t exactly wrap his head around, it’s worth a try.

Although he would like to do so to some degree, he won’t take you with him on missions. It’s his way of saying “I care a great deal about you, I don’t want you to die or worse even if you are capable of defending yourself.” If you really insist on aiding him, he will let you, begrudgingly. But beware that he will have your back. In fact, having you around will give him a greater reason to fight and improve his overall performance. Though, it will also be a major stress factor to him if something were to happen to you, so choose wisely.

#madness combat #madness combat x reader #hank j wimbleton #hank j wimbleton x reader #I've been into eldritch horrors and stuff ever since I was a teenager #although I don't condone his beliefs in the slightest I really like Lovecraft's writing style #at one point it influenced how I wrote as well since he was rather descriptive in a pleasant to read way #I have an anthology at home that I might wanna reread again at some point #celephais was always my favorite story and I think it may be one of my favorite stories of all time #I know it interests no one but my favorite book is No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai #and yes I did get into classic literature because of a certain anime I don't wanna tag in this post #but another book I really enjoyed reading was Clockwork Orange I read it with someone I used to be close to and it was a really good read #it gave me nightmares but I really enjoyed it! gave me something to talk about with my father as well #Hier kommt Alex by Die Toten Hosen is also a really good song! as is 1000 Gründe by the same band! #those songs are based on Clockwork Orange actually! #I never watched the movie and I don't think I ever will because eye gore disturbs me but the book was good! I read it bc of tboi! #I have quite a few classic at home! but I think I wanna finish reading Paradise Lost! That's also a really interesting story so far! #reading and writing are some of my favorite hobbies! #I'd also love to finishe the price of salt at some point as well! Because I have to all things considered! #I just wish I could juggle all of my hobbies a bit better! I wish I had a bit more time for everything! but oh well it be like that!

[skrunksthatwunk]

look i know dethklok is a quaint little menagerie of dudes with mad parental baggage (minus nathan he's in the control group) and that the fandom also gravitates towards those conflicts and themes and stuff because fuckin duh obviously but like. well. um. does anyone else get just like.. Absurdly emotional at murderface calling skwisgaar his strong and brave little soldier or is that just my particular brain poison

#ow. (plays it again) ow. (plays it again) ow. (plays it again) #mtl #metalocalypse #dethklok #william murderface #skwisgaar skwigelf #like damn. wish someone talked like that to me when i was a kid. how'd he even learn to do that no one even taught him or anything #like yeah i think some of his desire to take this role is because he wants to be important to someone (and also wants respect) and being a #father figure is a way of achieving that. it's not 100% about banging skwis' mom it's about validation and interpersonal connection #but he (on a whim!) was more tender with skwis than. well. my parents ever were even when they were trying. #sigh #looping pickles daddy issues comp like a very very well adjusted adult. look the vulnerability in his voice really gets to me ok #it's about my love for voice acting i swear (<- not even trying to convince you + head in my hands) #nyarla dni #shit's embarrassing sorry man

[iwasbored777]

I feel like we don't talk enough about Peter B Parker's love for his daughter. How he's obsessed with his baby (in a good way), he talks about her all the time, he carries her everywhere, he's showing her pictures to everyone, he spends an entire day with her, he can't get enough of her, he is so happy now. And I'm so happy for him too ❤️. We need more of this in BTSV I need to see more of him being a Dad™

((Just to leave this here))

#we need more loving fathers in fiction #i wish he was my dad #he would never leave me #peter b parker #mayday parker #spider man across the spider verse #across the spiderverse #spiderverse

[magnus-rhymes-with-swagness]

yeah i can’t stop thinking about the parallels between hearth and alex’s backstories… they were both born into a life that, under slightly different circumstances, would have offered them a lot of privilege. their families had a ton of money and a good social status, and hearth and alex were, in many ways, set up for success.

but there was a catalyst for each of them, something that ended up setting them up for failure instead - the way hearth’s father reacted to him being deaf and alex’s father reacted to her being trans. both of them, despite being born into a life that would have offered them plenty, ended up ostracized and shunned from their families. constantly ridiculed and criticized and blamed for something they couldn’t control and didn’t ask for, but in a better world should have been able to celebrate. hearth should have been able to celebrate his deafness and alex should have been able to celebrate her transness, but they were both robbed of that. they were robbed of their childhoods, growing up in toxic environments and spending their formative years being abused, all for some of the only people in their lives who understood them or cared about them to die.

and yet, each of them were able to cut ties and make their own way in the world. they both managed to build a better life from the ground up, bringing together a solid group of friends to spend the rest of their life (or afterlife) with. they were both taught to hate themselves, spent every day of their childhoods being mistreated by their fathers and told they were worthless, and yet in the end they both manage to undo all that and learn how to love themselves. they learn how to celebrate the very same parts of themselves that their fathers tried to stamp out, choosing instead to surround themselves by people who care about them.

additionally, they both embody the paradox of wanting to distance themselves from their parentage and yet simultaneously reclaim it. alex wants nothing to do with any of her parents, yet deliberately reclaims loki’s urnes snake symbol. hearth has no desire to be associated with his father or former life, but reclaims the rune of inheritance.

but in reclaiming their past, neither of them return to it. alex doesn't try to go back to her house after being kicked out. hearth accepts the othala rune in the end, but after his father is killed, never returns to alfheim again. they take what's theirs, leave, and never look back. so, both of their journeys ultimately involve leaving their former lives behind - giving up privilege, wealth, social status, and the acceptance of others in order to be themselves. becoming the people they want to be, rather than the people society and their fathers wanted them to be.

#anyway if you need me i'll be in the next room chewing on plywood #i never stop thinking about this #resilience and radical self-love and whatnot. identity. embracing the parts of yourself you were taught to repress etc etc #i really wish it had been explored more in canon #i have so many thoughts about hearth and othala and his father's heart & alex and her tattoo #i plan to write a separate meta about that once i'm finished rereading the books #my words #mcga #magnus chase and the gods of asgard #hearthstone #alex fierro #meta #also othala autocorrected to ithaca lmao #every time i think i'm done with this i end up adding more so i'm going to post it now lol

[crow-in-springtime]

You know what? Fuck this, fuck you *aromanticizes your classical heroine*

#this is specifically about ophelia. because think about it all this debate over whether or not hamlet loved her and none over whether she #loved hamlet. I do think she loved him but not in a romantic way. think about it! she goes mad over her fathers death and all the abuse #she’s suffered at the hands of men not just because hamlet rejected her. and need I remind you she was the one originally rejecting him in #that scene. everyone is so focused on what hamlet’s true feelings are that we never really learn what ophelia thought or felt. #“made many tenders of his affection to me” “I do not know my lord what I should think” “madam I wish it may” #“madam I wish it may” because it would be such an easy solution! because if all that’s needed to cure hamlet’s madness is ophelia’s love #then it will be easy to fix! then hamlet no longer has to suffer and they can be together! so then why does that line feel so resigned? #we’re told by everyone that hamlet is in love with ophelia and from that we just assume she must be in love with him too. #anyway. aromantic bisexual ophelia for the win. thank you for coming to my TED talk. #ophelia #hamlet #shakespeare #classic literature #aromantic #(ky attempts to figure out if she is aromantic by talking about fictional women. more at 8) #ky’s gallery

[nyaskitten]

Early Ninjago is so fucked up because how am I supposed to handle one of the most tragic scenes ever and some of the most painful plot points when we literally also have shit like Jay stealing an old man's boxers because he forget to get underwear? LIKE early Ninjago you will always be so famous to me

#god. I hate the ableism and sexism in early ninjago but their characterizations were soo good man... #I just wish they followed thru a bit more on ideas like Lloyd having to fight his father #I would've loved like. maybe the Overlord's taking over is slow #maybe he's forcing Garmadon to attack Lloyd and Lloyd is trying not to fight but he has no choice and he has to attack his dad or smth #IDK I JUST WANT THE TRAGEDY MAN !!! #ninjago #I kinda miss the old writing style. ok yeah lump me in with the 'modern ninjago bad' ppl or whatever but id GLADLY take a hundred #jay boxer jokes if it meant I never had to hear wildbrain jay ever again oh my fucking GOD HES SO FUCKONG ANNOYING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST #I hate how high-pitched his voice is and he hasn't told a single funny joke ever #I miss when he was actually interesting

[jankwritten]

Jason Grace who finally has enough and turns around and snaps at the people who poke and prod at him about being perfect. His team loses ten seconds in a race because someone tripped and fell and they stopped to help, and someone on one of the lower-ranking teams makes an offhanded comment about how Jason probably wished they hadn't wasted the time and they kinda nudge him like he's in on the joke but he turns around and shoves them flat onto their ass instead. He kicks dirt on them. He says, "don't even begin to act like you know what's going on inside my head," through gritted teeth with a voice that's just a shade more voice than growl.

I want Jason Grace playing a secret role board game and everybody keeps joking that Jason can't possibly be the villain because he'd give himself up, that's just how perfect Jason Grace is, he can't even fake being evil for thirty minutes, haha, meanwhile Jason grips tighter and tighter to the little traitor token in his pocket and loses the game, because he got lost in making that one specific person miserable.

Camp-wide truth or dare where people keep giving Jason all the tame fetch-quest type dares like they all think he'd immediately protest to anything even slightly straying from the rules to the point that he starts targeting other people with the worst dares he can think of, asking the nastiest truths, things that go beyond petty gossip into realities. They decide to end the game early because he asked one of the Aphrodite boys if it was true he laughed while his capture the flag teammate nearly bled out last weekend.

Jason Grace who had all of his wolf traits beaten out of him by a merciless system that couldn't see who he was beyond a name, a son, a soldier, so when he bares his teeth it's not to threaten he'll physically bite yknow. Because when he snaps it's not his jaw it's his tongue you need to worry about.

Jason Grace who is a menace, and not in a good cute fun way. Jason Grace who is a bully and an asshole and he sucks and he deserves it.

#WOW i'm in a fucking mood tonight partners holy shit #pjo #jason grace #hoo #evil Jason Gracce #If you can call it that #really more chatoic neutral jason than Evil Jason #yfeel me #he's only going after the people who go after him first he's just being WAY meaner about it #i'm in a vindictive little mood because my brain is an asshole today ugh #percy: haha oh i bet you hate that your diorama is just slightly off scale bet that bothers you soooo much #jason: are you truly sure that your dad loves you? i mean really. do you look in the mirror and see someone who deserves a father's love? #percy: #FUCK now I wish I remembered who made that post earlier about Jason and Percy having a more irked relationship #like they DOn'T like one another but they're still making out about it you know #yeah that's this Jason #but also of course this Jason has a soft spot for Nico still because Nico has never once pressed those ideals onto him #Jason will slash someone's throat open with pointed words and then turn and snuggle his cheek against Nico's hair immediately after #help my jason grace and my kent parson are bleeding into one another #oh man. oh fucking man this just gave me SUCH an idea for hockey au....

[ljussangen]

I can not believe that within a month or so my man and I will finally meet our little sun. I will miss feeling his kicks and rolls and hiccups, but I am so happy that we will finally get to meet him. To see his face and his eyes, touch his skin and hair, hold him in our arms and give him kisses.

#he is already so very loved #i did not have much of a childhood #i didn't know what it was like to have family and feel love #i was neglected and emotionally/mentally abused #these things still make me feel worthless and shitty sometimes honestly #but i also feel redemption at being able to give my son the things I know first hand are necessary #i am so happy to know that my son has good grandparents who already love him so much #that he has a mother and a father that love him and will protect him and do everything in their power to give him a good life #he has houses in the forests - a stream - a lake - a beautiful country #he has parents who love each other more than anything - who are and have always been best friends #already he has so much - so many things I wish I could have had as a child #my man has blessed me so much - given me everything I have ever wanted - and now we also get to give those things to our little guy #I am so happy

[hoperays-song]

Marcus and Johnny Hugs

Can we just take a minute to talk about Marcus hugs Johnny? Like he just cradles his head so fucking gently. 

Marcus hugs his son like Johnny is so precious and like he is the most important thing in the entire world. How is no one talking about this?!?!?!

 Marcus loves Johnny so much and it’s adorable and I could talk about this for hours, they are my favorite father son duo in media. Like they’re just perfect.

 Johnny hugs his dad like he’s the greatest hero of all time and Marcus hugs his son like he’s the most perfect thing to ever exist and like he’s in awe that Johnny is even real.

 It’s just a testament to how, no matter what happens, they both still love each other and always will.

#sing #sing 2 #sing johnny #sing big daddy #sing marcus #i love them sooooo much #like seriously #my favorite father son duo #the character development and everything was just perfection #they both deserve the world #and all the hugs #i wish we saw more of them #if you can't tell #PS. I wish marcus would adopt me #I am really tired while writing this so sorry for any chaos #I also am in desperate need for a hug if you couldn't tell

[torgawl]

the furina jesus brainrot combined with my idea of her fragmentation of the self as well as the three thrones in fontaine is making me think of the holy trinity: father, son and the holy spirit. how they are all god but they're not one another. basically, this thing:

the father is the author of all creation and out of him come all good things. he's good and abundant in love.

the son is the physical embodiment of love who walked the earth as both example and sacrifice. he died as the ultimate gesture for mankinds' sins and his physical death is the landmark event of all history. the son is subordinate to the father.

the holy spirit, called "the unveiled epiphany of god", is the one without a physical form who empowers the followers of jesus with spiritual gifts and power that enables the proclamation of jesus christ, and the power that brings conviction of faith. the spirit is subordinate to the son and to the father.

can you guys see where i'm going? the holy spirit being something non-physical that empowers those who follow jesus sounds oddly familiar to the oratrice that feeds off of fontaine's people's faith in the justice system into a power source. jesus, who sacrificed himself for mankind for their sins... furina, is that you? now, who is the father? the hydro archon but not furina maybe or the other way around? no idea. my brain didn't go so far but tell me this doesn't actually make sense!!!

#my wish would be the destruction of the oratrice because i would love fontaine to be about revolution and reform of the justice system #but that wouldn't make sense because it's jesus who sacrificed himself (assuming furina is the holy trinity or part of it of course) #also i know egeria is dead and furina isn't egeria but the focus on tears and the supposed 'original' tear that originated oceanids makes #me think this father of all creation is a quote literal reference if not about egeria then about furina #if furina did in fact fabricate a mirage with 'fake people' in fontaine could it be that? 🤔 #is that the sin fontaine people are born with? is that the same as the 'original sin'? #sort of like the apple vs mankind's sin in the bible version #does this make sense? #okay i'll go to sleep 😂 #okay just one more thing childe's vision... the fact it doesn't work in fontaine... wouldn't it add up if people were literal water? #bye not going forward with that but sus #genshin thoughts #genshin impact #my post

[floralovebot]

Any Helia and Codatorta hcs? And, with other teachers as well like Griffin and Faragonda!

OF COURSE <333

Like I said before, Codatorta is basically Helia's found family dad. They're not actually related but Codatorta has been taking care of and training Helia since he was a little kid!

Codatorta is really proud of Helia but he doesn't show it often. He doesn't want the school to be accused of nepotism and he doesn't want Helia to be bullied/ostracized for special treatment, so Coda often ends up being a lot more strict and even a bit cold to Helia in public. Obviously, Helia does understand this, but it did still sting the first time it happened.

Codatorta was the first person that taught Helia self defense! When Helia was a kid, he really liked watching the specialists but he wasn't allowed to actually join in or learn anything himself. And at first, Codatorta was very strict about this because he didn't want little Helia to accidentally hurt himself or someone else yknow? Buuut right around the second time he got kidnapped by Saladin's enemies, Coda figured he'd need to know Something so he doesn't immediately die.

Queue the first time Helia actually manages to escape capture and Coda loses his fucking mind cause the kid isn't in his little cell oh god where did he go IS HE DEAD no he's in the vents

Speaking of giving Coda a heart attack! The first time he caught Helia sneaking out? Dear lord you'd think he fucking killed someone; he was grounded for so long !! (Codatorta was Very Mad but also Somewhat Proud that he managed to do it for so long without getting caught. Don't tell Helia that though..)

Saladin assumed that little Helia would feel more comfortable around Faragonda rather than Griffin but it was actually the opposite! He really liked hanging out in Griffin's office and overall preferred the (usually) chiller vibe at Cloud Tower. Griffin would always act annoyed by him but she did start leaving more beginner friendly history and magic books on her bookcases 🤭

The three principals actually had a bet on which kind of magic Helia would end up using. Saladin was convinced that he would follow in his footsteps and become a wizard, Griffin saw promise in his use of dark magic, and Faragonda knew that he already liked fairy magic. Imagine their surprise when he just neglected magic altogether! Except for his little origami cranes of course! Faragonda was actually the one who taught him that and Griffin helped him utilize it for missions (ie tracking magic and whatnot)

I don't think Helia would ever consciously or accidentally call Codatorta "dad", but I do think it happened once when he was badly injured and almost unconscious. Helia didn't remember it though so Codatorta never brought it up.

THIS is the codatorta and helia dynamic

#i have SO MANY father-son headcanons for helia and codatorta its actually a weakness #hbo tl.ou has been giving me so much brain rot too like am i supposed to Not think about them ??? #also codatorta nicknamed 'coda' my beloved #i think its cute! i actually have so many hcs for him like i think he's such a cool character #i really do wish there was more info on rf and ct like!!! there are so many teachers and students that we just dont know about !! #of course i do have more hcs about this but unfortunately my brain is fried #i do have happier headcanons too! #like faragonda slipping him cookies even though saladin said no #answered #mine.headcanons #winx helia #anyway he!! im love him

[enigma-absolute]

…

#rough day today with an emotional mess at the end #rough as in it wasn’t BAD just… I had low energy the entire time and lost the day really #I don’t know how my mom does it. she has it worse than me and she expects me to be more bounding and alive and USING my energy #buddy. pal. I got rude and angry because I was LOW and I DO NOT HAVE YOUR PAIN TOLERANCE THRESHOLD #on MULTIPLE levels. physical and emotional #you went to dental school in Otago in the 90’s. I did animation school 2019-2023. #you escaped communism and were a stranger in a strange land and married my father who became a bat from hell and you had to escape him #AND keep the kids in good schools and in God. #I didn’t. I was the child who had it worst on the spectrum and had the PTSD to crawl out of during high school. #of course THAT put a dampener on me growing up in several ways (and uh. being on this hellsite in 2014 didn’t help either) #mom I love you and you love me. we are clearly NOT the same ever #I’m a little over the age dad married you at first now. I do not have the same threshold nor tolerance as you. I AM more sensitive yeah #and I’m trying to work through it but damn it it is hard trying to stay soft in a world getting crueller. #and yet! I have my father’s face and eyes in anger! I wish I could be more kind and loving on low energy and I’m sorry! #I am genuinely an ass when I’m tired and ticked off and want none of your help and I wish I wasn’t! alas! #I do not! have! your threshold nor tolerance! #when I finally get myself together and have a full place to call my own. with bills and all to pay. #I will finally allow myself the relief of lying down onto the kitchen floor and sobbing. #in the knowledge and safety of solitude. #Chris rambles #AUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #vent

[thebleedingeffect]

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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere #one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions #so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so #despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself #and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral #it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me #not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared #and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her #I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else #but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult #and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side #to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side #she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences #and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control #religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk #having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe #she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough #I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike #and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends #because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting #now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side #it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks. #ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-