#i wish i wasnt so sad and angry all the time

[chlopieno]

.

vent ahead, sorry

#hey woo look it's missing my ex boyfriend hours!... #i was happy from breaking up for a minute and now im just so sad. i miss him he was my best friend since childhood and now #we havent spoken for month and half so far #it sucks so much i hate it here. i keep hoping hed reach out to me one day. not to date again but just not to pretend were strangers anymore #i wish i could tell him about my work. about dumb things my cat does. about dumb things i do. #i wish i could listen to him telling me whatever as long as its not hurtful. i wish i was better and didnt expect too much. #i wish my self esteem was higher so i wouldnt regret things i did that i was sure were best in the situation we faced. #i wish i were able to be more helpful and supportive. i thought i was and turns out it was received in an opposite way. #i wish i could send him memes or tell jokes or send uquiz links or picrews #i dont know when it all went wrong man i thought everything was good and everything was falling apart while i didnt even notice. #i hate how short it took to end 15 years of being friends. i hate how i cant even relate to his situation because mine is so similar yet #yet it affected us in such different ways. i hate i wasnt able to do more. i hate that he didnt do more. #i hate that im blaming him for things he has no say in. im angry at being helpless and unable to change anything. #i hate that he told me he loved me amd that he wanted to live with me and then broke up with me less than a month later. #i hate that i made him break up with me. i hate that i put so much hope and emotions and work in it and that he told me he cared #but it was me who was ready to go anywhere for him and do anything for him and it wasnt the other way. #i want to say so much and yell and cry and apologise and yell again but at myself this time and bash my head against the wall #i want to know that someone cares about me as much as i care about them. but it wasnt this relationship but he was my best friend #and i wish i could say that i wish we never dated but i dont because i was happy and i hoped we were happy together. #and every time i asked it was okay and fine and good until suddenly it hasnt been for months and i never knew because he never told me #and i know i cant read minds but i wish i was able to tell the signs. i wish i was less selfish. i thought he wanted what i want #but telling stories about living together and setting up furniture or having pets together was what i thought was for us but was for me only #and i didnt even know #i thought wed be friends forever. yes i thought wed live together as partners too but he was my best friend and i lost him and all i can do #is to cry about it.

[boyghcst]

z

#wdyd when u feel like shit bc it feels like my closest friend is distancing themselves from me #n it makes me rlly sad I gen wanna cry n kill myself #bc I feel like I’m just this annoying insignificant person #n like they have time to message n make plans w my other friend but not me #when we were really close #n it’s obv gonna make me feel like shit #feel like they don’t even like me or wanna be friends w me now #i feel like they don’t even care #my chest feels weird n I feel sick in just wanna hurt myself #I wish I stopped caring abt them #bc it would have made this all so much easier #we talked abt this I thought things would have gotten better but they feel exactly like how I was feeling weeks back when I was scared of #being abandoned n it’s exactly how I feared it would be #like I wasnt wrong #it makes me feel so upset n angry tht I just wanna have the ability to cut them off #n not care n hurt myself #journal

[bestial4ngel]

Wow, okay but like… realizing I seriously never understood what it’s ACTUALLY like to enjoy fandom and participate in it all these years, I just always surface level enjoyed most things and didn’t get the same amount of enjoyment or investment that everyone else seems to I just sort of passively, surface level enjoyed it and never posted or made anything related cuz I was too nervous but considered myself a fan anyways cuz I liked seeing others enjoy the fandom and make stuff for it and I thought thats what being part of it is… I really didn’t realize that most people more than like it and find actual joy in it till like a couple months ago. fuck.

#no but the fact that im 18 and have been on the internet since 14 but never felt the actual gut wrenching mourning seriously angry and sad #and torn feeling when a musician turns out to be a pos until THIS YEAR #because i truly genuinely just never cared all that much even if i liked stuff i just ‘liked’ it. it wasnt like close to me or important- #to me #all that time i read ppls posts about being DEVASTATED abt stuff like that and ppl having it happen over and over and feeling so fucking- #upset from it… and i legit was like damn that sucks ig. and i never actually GOT what they meant when they said it hurts so fucking bad to- #have that happen cuz ot never hit hard for me cuz i never had it be more than passing interest #goddamn. wow. #i cant tell if this is cuz my second fandom experience (sherlock 🤡) blew up in my face like a few months after i got into it #and i just like didnt get invested that way again but fuck man ouch. that hurts. it really really makes me wish id pushed myself to post and #make art and stuff when i was younger cuz its sad i missed out on the experience of being in a fandom #and more to the point the experience of just actually truly enjoying something and loving it and getting joy from it ?? #and like ik 18 is young but now i feel old and like its too late or something lol #… #me talking #vent tw #ig ? #fuck

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[bloodspl4tt3r]

"the last apple" daryl x reader

summary: after years of fighting for your life and running home to home, your story finally ends and you say goodbye.

cw: angst, blood, death, typical twd stuff

note: this is my first writing! though i primarily speak english, i struggle with grammar sometimes. i hope you all enjoy and support me! please leave requests, i'd love to write more!

it'd be a lie if you said you weren't afraid of death. everytime you went out there, you were afraid.

you planted a tree with the love of your life about 8 years ago, an apple tree. a few apples grew from here and there. your tree wasnt perfect, but it was yours.

you knew you were going to die, you knew. but you refused to believe that you could die when you were so in love, when you were as happy as you could've been in this shitty world.

your body laid on the road, in a pool of your dark red blood. the sun made the blood all over you glisten as you just laid there. you tried so hard to move. so hard to stay alive. so hard to be there for daryl because you knew for a fact that you didnt want to leave him.

you couldn't do anything in the state that you were in. pain emerged from your injuries and you wanted it to stop. you were suffering, and the only thing you could've done was tremble in pain, fear and sadness.

who the hell were they to take away your life? you were so angry. so desperate to stay alive, but no matter how hard you fought, in the end, you lost.

as your limited time begins to pass, you can't help but cry. tears fell for daryl, for your family back at alexandria, hilltop, oceanside, commonwealth. tears fell for your family that never made it through this, or before this. tears fell for you, because you were angry.

all you wanted to do was see everyone, one last time. you knew you'd never see them again, and it killed you. you laid on the road in a pool of your own blood, gasping and crying, trembling and whimpering.

you'd die there with no one, when all you wanted to see was everyone.

you knew you had a few seconds left. your vision blurring, your hearing fading away. but you could hear footsteps. you tried to look as best as you could. the only thing you could make out was a figure that you knew was daryl. you tried your best to smile, but you cried.

that was it for you. your body laid on the ground lifeless. daryl screamed, cursing out loud. he cried, holding you, wishing he was there when he was supposed to.

he'd kiss you one last time, crying and talking to you as you just laid there. he gently made sure you didnt come back as a walker. he was trembling, and he was mourning you.

he'd bring you back in his own two arms, cleaning you up before you were placed in a casket. he'd place your favourite photo of the two of you in there with you, so you wouldn't have to be alone like you were before. he'd bury you himself, just beneath the apple tree that you two grew together.

he'd sit there, crying for you, wishing that your death wasn't real. he'd tell you about how much he loved you, and how much he wished he could hold you.

and after all that, was when the last apple had fell.

#daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon #twd daryl #the walking dead #angst #twd angst #daryl dixon angst #daryl dixon x reader angst

[hearts4juzi]

can you pass the golden duo headcanons i think you would have good ones

🤲🤲🤲my hands are open ready to catch them

RUBS MY FUCKING HANDS TOGETHER IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THEM SM UVE COME AT THE RIGHT TIME

echolalia. i already said that but. ECHOLALIA. shit gets tossed around. funny words youd find in a dr seuss book.

holding hands, leaning on each other, and lots of hugs!!!! best friends 2 me :(

cassidy wasnt super nice to him when they were alive and she regrets it a lot because of how things turned out and shes super defensive of him now

that being said, she never bullied him and was actively rude to anyone who did. she didnt particularly like him but she wasnt gonna stand for the harassment. if shed known about his party, she couldve saved him and i think she thinks about that a lot

i think eventually she apologized formally and he assured her it was fine and that he forgave her. because she of all people deserved it

he listens to her vent her frustrations. sometimes she reminds him of michael with how angry she is, but he knows how to calm her down and he always remembers shes nothing like michael was

he keeps her company in ucn when being around everyone is too much. hes forgiven them but sometimes things are hard still. sometimes he cant be around them. and she really needs company too. he knows she wont come to him, so he goes to her.

he doesnt like the gore or blood so cassidy will talk to him when theyre stuffing nightguards

hes still scared of animatronics so none of the kids greet him as animatronics. they care about him sosoososo much

evan would do fucking anything for cassidy. anything.

she knows his anxiety triggers pretty well by this point and she knows how to distract him. and vice versa.

casisdy doesnt panic as much as she gets over emotional and freaks out. does that make sense? she has more anger than fear and it fucks her up and hes always there when she gets tired of it.

he does her hair because he died before he could ever do his own. he wishes hed grown out his hair before he died

she encourages any behaviors he hid because of michael. she encourages anything that goes against michael.

shes a terribly influence on evan but its because she lvoes him and thinks he deserved better. he thinks she has enough anger for the both of them. she knows hes right and she hates it because HE deserves this anger.

they fight a lot but its never like cassidy and charlie. if cassidy fought with evan like she fought with charlie itd ruin both of them.

if theyd lived they probably wouldve run away together and been roomates

they like to joke that theyre soulmates (platonically) in both a figurative and literal sense. get it? because their souls are connected in golden freddy? they are my world

when they first meet in GF its tense. they end up caring about each other but theres lots to figure out and understand. she cant yell too loud at him because it reminds him of his dad, she cant play certain pranks on him like she might with her friends because it reminds him of michael.

she learns when to be loud and open with him and when she has to be gentle. he gets used to her shenanigans but sometimes things are too much

shes jokingly mean to her friends but not as much to evan because he doesnt always get its a joke

shed have loved to do his makeup and his nails. if theyd lived and moved out together the first thing they wouldve done is dye their hair and paint their nails and do their makeup and buy clothes they KNOW their parents would hate.

thats all i have in my brain rn they make me sad

#tzu rambles #tzu asks #headcanons

[angryducktimemachine]

He is getting really worked up about those books.

The whole Jurgen Leitner Harrison Campbell rant was provided by the fantastic @franzis-frantic-thoughts.

(yes we know it says Howard. Hamid is too angry to remember names.)

ID under the cut because it’s a bit longer

[ID: two digital, fully coloured drawings of Hamid from Rusty Quill Gaming, ranting about a book.

Hamid is a brown-skinned, egyptian Halfling with dark, curly hair. He is wearing a purple three-piece-suit and is holding a purple book titled “When Passions Collide”. In the second drawing he has orange glowing eyes, scales across his cheeks and sharp claws.

The text above him says: “HOWARD CAMPBELL??? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING HOWARD CAMPBELL GODS DAMN FOOL BOOK PUBLISHING DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT BARD OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN AUTHOR MOTHERFUCKING HORWAD CAMPBELL STOP RECORDING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT HORWAD CAMPEBELL I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE SELL SO MANY FUCKING BOOKS WHY DID HE DECIDE TO HAVE HIS CHARACTERS FUCK AROUND JUST LET THEM BE SINGLE IS HE PINING IS HE A BASTARD MAN HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM NEVER SEEN THIS MANS FACE AND I KNOW HE HAS THE WORLDS SHITTIEST BEARD

[Zolf from the side: Actually his moustache was fine, thank you.]

GET AWAY FROM ME! if i wanted to get into an afterlife plane and one of the gods said horwad campbells waiting inside i would breathe fire at that gods feet for the sole purpose of getting sent back down

[Azu from the side: Hamid!]

if i have to deal with horwad campbell speaking one word in person on voice in this pub not only will i close the pub i will burn it down out of spite and well all have to move somewhere else for the experience of being somewhere where he was not i dont even know why i hate him so much. he writes books. but i am just mad because im aro he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some rich shithead whos obsessed with his lost love and wanted to project on his otherwise solid characters ill go ham

[Wilde from the side: Ham-id]

BETTER have had a lover try and kill him cuz if he didn't im going to.

[Zolf, to Wilde: Wait. You don't think Bertie and Campbell...]

heres the tip jar Hope and Heart Hates Campbell book isnt even by him. vaguely mentions what is supposed to maybe be a reference and i lost it where the fuck is horwad campbell if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt crusty old man ill claw campbell and his sad frail old man twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge dragon fist and he will disintegrate until all thats left is one final manuscript he kept on him at all times simply titled Now You Fucked Up in ancient draconic im not breathing im hyperventilating at this point

[Cel from the side: And breathing little flames, buddy]

i hope theres a date given for when campbel died or will die so i can make it a reminder in my diary everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the man who had so many love-at-first-sight books.” /End ID]

#rqg #rusty quill gaming #rusty quill gaming fanart #rqg hamid #hamid saleh haroun al tahan #rqg harrison campell

[dyke1]

i think i genuinely fried my brain starting an addiction so young cause its the only thing that makes me happy anymore god i hate myself so deeply but its true anywhere im unhappy which is most places and all the time ill be like well at least i have that and it will bring me instant happiness like i LOOK FOWARD to it everyday and even the fear that comes with developing cronic illnesses bc of it isnt enough to stop me and im always in some type of pain but i dont care nobody fucking needs me i know im a burden and fucking always sad and lonely and i just make people angry im so so tired ive been suicidal for such a long time and ive ALWAYS felt this way since i was a kid theres just no hope theres no other like path for me its like i had to be born like this and live like this and i just hate myself so much so intensely that it permeates the life around me and everyone treats me like shit cause they know how stupid i am cause thwy can FEEL it i wish so fucking bad i hadnt fucking surivived my last attempt it was the closest i ever got i was so close to being brave and going through with it and it still wasnt enough but i was so ready to go!!!!! i was SO SO SO SO ready to go. i really just wanted to go. i wanted to go so badly and it almost worked and it still wasnt enough i mean what kind of life is this for anyone i was ready!!!

#at least ibdidnt wake up to a panic atrack today but i still woke up crying aw man its 4 and i domt think im gonna be able 2 go back 2 sleel

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

#sex edventures 2023

[doiesfav]

: ̗̀➛ Music, Dance - Ten ||

''It hurts losing passion about something you loved''

Pairing: Artist! Ten x fem! Reader

Plot: Ten, who loves to dance and paint, had to choose one option for his future and his heart went for art so now he owns an art workshop. On the other hand, his passion for dancing slowly started to disappear until y/n appeared.

Genre: Fluff, romance, fiction, slice of life.

Contains: Cuss words, mention of sex

Wc 1k>

A/n: Thanks for supporting me guys, this is really wholesome TT (ngl these fics always become short even tho I planned them to be long)

MASTERLIST

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

(Third person pov)

6 years have passed since Ten chose an art degree over dancing, both were important for him but making that decision was probably one of the toughest moments for him.

After graduating he opened his own art workshop to make a living, it got popular after few weeks because of the activities you could do there. And of course he was more than satisfied knowing all his hard work paid off.

But there is still one more thing. What about dancing? Did he really spend all his life practising dancing just to do nothing about it? And like every normal person would, he lost his passion for dancing.

Ten had no time for it, he was busy with the shop, painting works, and most annoying, dealing with his girlfriend.

Jinna was her girlfriend, they met in university, but after graduating she didn’t pay any attention to Ten at all. Instead, partying outside and drinking was all she could do since her parents were rich, every time she got drunk she would call Ten to come and pick her up just for them to later have emotionless sex.

Ten really wanted her to change but he couldn’t say it straight up, he just kept it for himself and wishing for the non existent thing to happen. But there was something inside him telling him that loosing her would be very painful.

Today a special customer was coming, y/n, a known choreographer. When the time came Ten greeted her and made her sit in the chair, “So how does this work?” She smiled sincerely, “I’m not used to this stuff”, Ten could see the innocence and made her feel comfortable while explaining how it works.

“And you just do it like that, you can express yourself by the painting” After that Ten left when he recieved a message from Jinna.

hey babeee

im sorry if you are still angryyy

I told you i was drunk and it wasnt my intention to fuck him

I was really drunk babeee pls dont be angry

But Ten just ignored it and got back to work, his mind was very messy, and could not process how his girlfriend cheated on him. I mean he could have predicted it but he was still annoyed by the fact that Ten still didn't wanna break up with Jinna.

An hour later Ten got up and went to check on y/n who was almost finished with it. It was a painting of someone in a dance room dancing in front of the mirror, which made Ten feel overwhelmed and brought up some of his memories.

“It is really beautiful” Y/n looked back at Ten and gave him a warm smile. “thank you, I really appreciate it”. Those words made Ten a beat in his heart. ''I was very interested in dancing back then'' He laughed off.

''Really? Why don't you do it now?'' He felt kinda sad after y/n asked that, it was really noticeable. ''Oh, sorry I didn't mean to'' ''No, don't worry, I just grew up and find arts more enjoyable'' It was Ten's first time speaking about dancing after a really really long time. He couldn't remember when was the last time he talked about it.

They both spent their time talking about it, Ten felt like his heart was blooming and felt a strange feeling; as if his younger self was with him. ''Do you wanna come with me after your shift to dance?''

Ten saw it as an opportunity to relieve stress and make himself feel happy after a while. When he closed the shop he went to the dance studio y/n told him to go, it was his first time in such a professional room for dancing. The room was incredibly big, maybe twice the size of the dancing room he used to go to before.

His heart was beating rapidly because of the excitement. ''do you wanna go straight or slowly?'' She giggled while covering her mouth with her hand, ''Let's start slowly, I haven't done this in a very long time'' He laughed off.

''So do you have any favorite danceable song?'', while thinking it hit him that he's never got to think about music too. Suddenly Ten remembered his sister saying ''I love Music, Dance by NCT, you don't know? What a loser'' It was like a week ago, she's been into that boy group lately.

''Um, do you know Music, Dance by NCT?'' y/n seemed surprised, ''Yeaa of course, I did some choreographies for them, then we can start stretching'' Ten felt as his youth started taking over. Was dancing for him always that exciting? While also enjoying the music, moving his body freely was refreshing it was like how snakes shed their skin, except he was shedding his lost passion into something new.

After 2 hours of dancing, they both created a choreography for the chorus of the song, Ten was so proud of himself and deeply appreciate the hard work of y/n too. You two decided to go outside and breath some fresh air.

The aura between you and Ten was very cozy, ''want to do it again?'' Ten shook his head ''I mean I would do it any time you want'' he laughed off. That's when he saw Jinna and a guy holding hands, Ten rubbed his eyes with his hand to check if it really was her, he couldn't believe it.

Then you also catch the couple Ten was seeing, ''What the fuck is she doing'' You understood what was happening at the moment quickly, and he walked to stop her holding hands with the guy.

''Excuse who are you'' The guy who was with Jinna said, ''She's my fucking girlfriend?'' And the guy backed ''Jinna you told me you were single what the fuck'' Then he stormed off seeing annoyed, ''What do you think you are doing, we were over'' Ten looked confused as soon as she said that.

''I've never told you we were over'' She just removed Ten's hands and walked off screaming ''Now we are over dumbass''. He stood there and tears started to fall down his cheek, realizing you should do something you went there and hugged him.

Surprisingly he didn’t reject that hug, but he did cry loudly, you cleared his tears with your hand “Ten you can cry don’t worry, everyone deserves a second chance, so you do” You didn’t know if that helped him more of made him worse “I just don’t know myself anymore, Im lost”

To be honest, you didn’t know how to handle that situation instead you just said “Ten, If something happens Im here, okay?”

Thanks for reading y’all <3 And you could follow because big things are coming (I already said that like a 100 times lmao)

#nct #nct fics #nct imagines #nct x reader #nctzen #wayv #nct 127 #nct dojaejung #nct drabbles #nct dream #wayv fanfic #wayv x reader #wayv scenarios #ten #ten chittaphon #chittaphon leechaiyapornkul #nct chittaphon #nct ten #ten lee #wayv ten #lee ten #li yongqin #ten x reader #ten fics

[l-flyhight]

Kung fu panda the dragon knight characterisation and scene analysis. (Shipping problems aswell)

(This has been a long time brewing)

Disclaimer : this analysis is strictly from my trained observation using proof and layout of a scene. Thusly any scene signifiers and connotations used is viewed not from an audiences eye but from the perspective of a media analyst and animator view. Consideration under the ruling that this is merely by anaysis. disagreements while valid are not to be posted"

(Also take a shot for how many times the word subtle is mentioned)

Right so where do i begin? Where all things start i suppose. The premise.

To cut a long symopsis short two weasels travel to china to gain magical relics and po must stop them. Along with a knight from England whos agender relies heavily on revenge.

Simple plot. Nothing special. I can deal with it. Fine.

But things get complicated along the way as things do. While season 1 and 2 are flawed its fun. Like paws of destiny. Just a pinch of salt. Fun.

But i still have issues and one such is the nonsensical chaos that is implied in shipping. I was quite happy with the subtle chemistry and bonding po and blade had. Subtle being the key word.

ive a degree in snimation and excelled in character design, lore and characteristic signifiers. The subtlety here is how po would look at her during the moon festival. Its not platonic. Why you ask? He looked her over up and down in a way that signfied a hint just a hint of developing affection.

Now fast forward to when blade was angry with him saying po took advantage of her anxieties so she could let her gaurd down and unwind a little.

So lets look at how po spoke suring his response. The cues as it were dictate

"I just wanted you to see what you'd miss about china - and...what you'd miss about me"

The last part wasnt as strong at the opening statement. Their was a pause. That pause shows sadness and the rest of it was said in a gentle vulnerable way. Perspective? One of two things po is an innocent guy so it could be construed as him just wishing to be missed but due to the cues again can be caught as something else.

Blade throughout season one and two actually likes po for him. They've bonded through thick and thin.

So now we come to the simp himself Collin. So here we had emphasis on had a bad ass tracker who was tracking down blade because she was a wanted criminal. Po was collateral or at the very least he saw as an accomplice. Now this comes to an important analysis. Towards the end of season 1 blade and collin are fighting on top of the mountain. Collin is very vehement on doing his job. Fair enough. But lets for a moment fast forward to season 3 where he literally simps for blade because reasons? If he hesitated during that fight in season one just for a moment that the stones for s3 are set. But nope.

Also lets look at some signifiers that suggest romantic scenes. Or at the very least implied. Back to season 1 end. Po and blade share a very long hug. Po even leans into it nose to neck. Intimate. But we also see the romantic view of the mountain scape. Its drawn out to say the least. Ooookay subtle doesnt need to have any emphasis on it really.

If po hugged tigress like this then people would be frothing and loving it and i digress the scene sets itself. You do not hug fruends in this manner as its considered affectionate or intimate.

Bored yet? Annoyed that theirs analyse? Well its not over yet and it only gets worse.

So season 2 is littered with what we can call growth between our band of heroes. Po and blade holding hands all the time. The bit that comes later worth note is when blade is at her most vulnerable and po writes in a book about the rules of being a dragon knight. He doodles master masterdon giving po a piggyback. When blade mentions it po gets all embarrassed which again is subtle like he doesnt want to look like a dork in front of his friend. He later grabs blades hand and fistbumps the air. Staying like that for a bit. Now while this is sweet and hes very much riding out the high.

"You can let go now"

"Not yet"

But again it shows chemistry and banter of growth. A huge contrast in season 1. Growth.

Season 3 is such a mess. Pacing of story issues. Character cringe. Twists that actually made no sense and at one point they could of very well summoned captain planet.

So collin still wants to bring blade in but hes not subtle about showing he very well has a crush on blade. Now this gets rather intrusive as the episodes continue. Collin doesn't really add anything to the group. Akna has her ingenuity though is socially awkward. Ruhkmini is the literal voice of reality but brings the group together with hiw resourceful she is. Collin just stumbles along. Which again is a shame considering what he brought in season 1. Weiman was also wasted potential.

So season three kills off the main villian which is somewhat derivative. Veruca was such a poignant character with a goal in mind to ravage England from those that rejected them to create something new. Fine this was fine and they should have kept it that way. But no.

So lets cue to season 3 where blade reunites with po. He runs to her picks her up, spins her around and they hug? This is very romantic coded. You would not pick up your sibling this way nor a friend. Later we find po is so depressed that blade does all she can to help him (the episode is one such pacing issue) so both are in a gorge po is paralysed by a plant and cant move and blade is literally high of a plants pollin. I wish i was joking. So po does everything in his power not to get up or attempt to rid the paraylse but to hold her hand. Again subtle.

So lets cue to the end if we can even call it that. Collin asks blade out finially asking her i suppose and she just shook her head. Keeping it open i guess as her response could be taken in a few ways. But theirs a but. Then we see blade returning to china to star gaze with po which is a stark contrast to season 1. They also share baobao buns. In a moonlit restorant outside in a seating area. Signifiers, the moon has such strong romantic connotations.

England has nothing for blade anymore. Shes a wanderer free to go as she pleases. Unhindered and in no ones shadow. So if she actually said yes to collin it would complicate a lot. She doesn't want to be a knight and being a debutante is something she voiced very clearly thats not what she wanted. Whats she going to do wait till hes fone with the dutys for the day and thats it? Collin would possibly like that. No actual chemistry between them. It'll be like zuko from the legend of Aang falling in love with after after chasing him all over the globe.

Blade is independent and from what we do see she comes back to po?

The whole bestie signifier just isnt convincing nor is this oh they act like siblings. Its as if they were queer coded. Like perish the thought po would be into another a bear.

This is long overdue and again i really wanted to get into alot. So much more about pacing issues and when the script contradicted what we actually saw.

Po and blade for the record never actually wanted to officially get together. I was quite happy for them to be hinted at, subtle and sweet.

End of shipping/character analysis. Now piss off im tired.

(British humour)

(Will need revising at some point)

#kung fu panda dragon knight #rant post #shipping #shitpost

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Here's some more angst for ya 😌

S/O was in an accident and Rogue thought they had died, turns out S/O survived but have no memories of them or what happened. Your picks 😘

(Is this the general plot of my angst fic? Yes. Yes it is. Ehehehehehehehe)

Time takes all things...even memories.

You had slept for a long time. Forgetting a little bit more every minute. Now you were strangers again but a stranger with memories that only the Rogues had. You looked at him with empty eyes, he was a stranger to you once more. You looked at him like you hadn't given him the world. The truth was that to him, you had died in that accident. To him you were nothing but a ghost. You had no recollection of him or your life before. You weren't even the same person you were from before. Even your name didn't hold the same meaning it had before. You were different and only now could he really bare that perhaps that's okay.

The Riddler: When this all started, he wished you had died. Stupidly, he thought it would hurt less. That mourning your loss, had you have died would be so much easier than knowing you were alive with no knowledge of the life the two of you had together. To him, that was worth than your death. It was selfish but true. It didnt feel possible that one day he'd be able to feel relief that even if you wouldnt end up with him, youd be alive and that meant one day you could be happy. Even if it wasnt with him. You had no idea what you lost and that hurt him. It hurt that you didn't even know what you had lost. You had the greatest man in Gotham and now had nothing to show for it. If anyone could create a big speech, it was the Riddler. If the world had the time, he would talk about every little moment the two of you had. It wasn't as though they didn't hold meaning. Those moments meant everything to him. There was a lack of point. There was no point in telling you all the things Edward held dear to his heart. All of which involving you in one way or another. There was no point in telling you those memories or feelings. You couldn't remember them. In the end, there was nothing left to say. For a man who needed to be loved, this was cruel. For fate to decide he'd love you but that you, in the end, couldn't do the same. It grew anger that he didn't think he'd ever be able to subside. Yet he couldn't be angry with you. Not for one moment. You looked at him like a stranger, fearful and distant as you shivered in the cold rain. He couldn't feel it, not yet. Not when he was flooded with warmth upon seeing you. His sadness was ever present but for that brief moment he could utter words of what resounded to him as defeat. If anyone knew the Riddler- he could never admit defeat. He cupped your chin, tilting to towards him as he always did. "Know that you're loved." Just as quickly, he released you and walked away. He walked quickly- he had to. It was too painful otherwise.

Scarecrow: "Thank you for timing my arrest so perfectly." Jonathan turned to Batman who didn't respond but Jonathan knew. The delay was Batman and entirely on purpose. Just so he could cross paths with you in the hospital. "You...you told me that you gave this to me." You began quietly, removing your necklace and he nodded. "I did." He said softly. "It's beautiful and I love it but I think you should have it back." You spoke gently. "So that you can give to someone who you'll spend the rest of your life with and they can love it like I do but appreciate it more than I ever could. I hate that i dont remember you and that i've lost the sentiment this necklace had. You will find someone Jonathan, I promise. I'm just a chapter of your story and I'll pale in comparison to the one you spend your life with." Jonathan exhaled with a soft smile. "Of all things to keep, you kept your optimism? How annoying." You giggled in response and he took the necklace from you. "You did a lot for me but can I ask you one last favour?" He asked and your smile fell at the sight of his sadness, his heartbreak. "I'd like to say goodbye." He said quietly. You nodded. If you could do anything to heal his pain for his loss. You would. It was a sentiment you couldnt explain but it was there. Jonathan leaned down and pressed a kiss to your cheek. Lingering for a moment as he squeezed his eyes shut before any tears could fall.

Two-Face: Even when you had no memory or knowledge of your history with Two-Face, your eyes held the same sympathy they had then. He told you about his loss and how much he loved the person before they were gone. Yet he never spoke of them by name nor did he give any hint of who it could have been. However you remembered that Harvey was once married. Naturally, you pieced together that the person he held so highly was Gilda. You could listen to him for hours talk about his wife. Even if it hurt to see him so sad and broken. Sometimes there wasn't much that couldn't be said, the words would not heal that pain. Sometimes it was kinder just to sit and appreciate the pain. Simply be present. However one thing did come to mind. "I hope someone will love me the way you loved your wife, one day." You smiled and he slowly nodded with a small teary smile. You didn't understand and you didn't know the pain in his chest. He wasn't talking about his wife. He was talking about you. It helped a little to be able to reminiscent to you even if he couldn't with you. However reality came crashing down when you said that. That even if he told you, he couldn't bring you back to those moments. You were alive but gone.

Black Mask: You always noticed it when your mind was quiet...like a small hum in the back of your mind. Only at nights was the word quiet enough for you to listen and you did. One night curiosity got the better of you. You let that tiny hum take control. You couldnt explain it, but you followed, like it was a small fading trail of the life you wondered about having before the accident. It led to who you were before, you were fairly certain but you knew you could never really know the life you had before. It was gone and this, despite being so new, was reminiscing. Perhaps mourning was a better word but could you mourn something you have no recollection of? Red alarms struck everywhere when it led you to the offices of Roman Sionis. Doors opened for you easily. People looked at you with familiarity. You continued to follow that small feeling as difficult as it had become to follow. You had the faint notion that you were looking for something here but couldn't remember what it was. The distant whim that something was in this room you had been looking for but even looking at the place didn't remind you what you were looking for. Even as you were face to face with Black Mask, you were just as confused as you had been before. The whole time he was silent as he let you look around. The notion had run cold. You had hit a dead end. You apologised and left, feeling just as empty as you had when you first woke up. Even still, Roman said nothing. Silently, he let you go.

Mad Hatter: You bumped into Jervis Tetch a few times. You didn't know who he was, only by face. To you, he was likely a drunk since he hardly seemed sober each time you did pass by him. He'd tell you time and time again that he had lost someone. Someone important. Although he never elaborated on who or gave a description. Yet with each encounter he'd tell a little bit more about his special friend as he sometimes referred to them as. It was apparent, this person was actually his lover, his partner in life. His soul mate. "I'd bump into them all the time. It was like fate, like magic." He grinned with a twinkle in his eyes. "When i lost them...it was beyond tragic." You tilted your head. "Where did they go?" You asked. Jervis smiled sadly. "I haven't the faintest idea. If i knew maybe i could tell them what i shoukd have said more often." You tilted your head. "Oh? What's that then?" You asked. Suddenly your phone buzzed loudly making you dig into your pocket. "Oh, im sorry, sir. I have to go. Um, I hope you find this special friend of yours!" You turned around and begab to walk away. "I love you." Jervis said and that made you turn. "That's what I never got to tell them." He said weakly. You smiled softly. He missed that smile so much. "Don't worry, I'm sure they know...wherever they are." You assured him. Even after everything, fate interwined you both. Yet Jervis felt a weight off his shoulders for having finally told you...even if you didn't realise it. Even if you didn't remember him at all.

Joker: You watched as he was chased by the Batman. You had fled to the roof for safety. The last thing you expected was for the Joker to come bursting through the door with a cackle. He slowed to a stop when he locked eyes with you. Everything evil about him melted away until he was just a broken man in make up. All before your very eyes. You were certain this was the end, dodging death once and now it followed, waiting for you to return. Yet he did nothing but smile. It wasn't a malicious grin. A genuine smile. You had thought the Joker was ever capable of that. He pressed his fingertips to his mouth, pressing a kiss to them before blowing it to you. His eyes tearing up. You had never seen such emotion from the Joker before. It was confusing and terrifying. Without warning he sprinted to the roofs edge and jumped with a maniacal laugh. You screamed in shock, barely having time to process the Batman jumping off the roof right behind him.

#request #batman #batman villains #batman scenarios #the riddler #scarecrow #two face #the joker #black mask #mad hatter #edward nygma #jonathan crane #harvey dent #roman sionis #jervis tetch

[just-rogi]

this is so stupid but im depressed, and im angry im depressed because i want to be happy right now you dont understand. i have been struggling so fucking bad these past few months when my health went downhill and i had to go on medical leave, i couldnt see my friends for so long, and i stopped getting paid and its fine i have money saved up but i feel insane guilt at spending any money on anything at all for pleasure while im off work. like ive dropped hundreds on doctors appointments in the past two months and cant rationalize concert tickets or shit. ive been having just bouts of anxiety and grief and i can manage them because i know HOW to manage them but its just frustrating doing all the depression upkeep when i WANT to be happy. i turned twenty two last month and i havent celebrated my birthday since i was in fourth grade because of reasons, and i was really scared of being let down so i just dont celebrate, but this year i begged my closest friend- i dont want a party i dont want people there, i just want to not be alone, and not be sad and i want to listen to 22 by taylor swift. and due to an emergency she had to cancel on me at nine pm the night before and i was so upset about changing plans i just wasnt able to regulate my emotions or be there with my other friend who showed up at my apartment unexpectedly, because i wasnt emotionally ready to be happy, i just didnt want to be devastatingly sad. I have been waiting to play 22 by taylor swift on my 22nd birthday for at least a decade. its so fucking stupid, its SO fucking stupid, but i was so disoriented and depressed that i cant bring myself to listen to it which is dumb because its not even a good song but it was supposed to be happy. my grandmother was the only member of my family who wished me a happy birthday, and less than a week later was easter and i wasnt invited but all my siblings were there. and im trying so hard to go for walks and talk to friends and go to the library and make art, but i keep going to doctors appointments and i cant do shit i used to be able to do and i feel so isolated at home... and it just kinda hit me... im not excited to listen to the new taylor swift album tonight. what the fuck. im taylor swift girl. im like THE swiftie friend. there were people in highschool who only knew me because i loved taylor swift, hell even on tumblr i was known for my stochastic terrorist taylor swift post that went viral, and.... i dont care. Its not even that i dont care- its that i actively dont WANT to listen to the album tonight. my phone lock screen is a sylvia plath poem, i have a full shelf of just my favorite poets, like poetry and taylor swift are my favorite things in the world and everyone knows it... and im not excited. what the fuck. i want to be excited again. i want to be happy about this. im sick of doing depression manitence and going outside and eating fruit and taking showers and going on walks. IM ANGRY BECAUSE IM SICK AND I DONT HAVE ANSWERS AND EVERY WEEK IS A NEW DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND I DONT EVEN GET TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT???? cmon man its hard enough i just want to be feeling something again. i deserve to be happy about this so why am i miserable and apathetic. i get it. im a swiftie and taylor isnt even that good and its not even something special because she releases new music every other week..... but man... i want to be excited about something again. its not my fault this time- i did everything right and im still just so fucking sad i cant cope

[xx-riffraff-xx]

when you left i thought i was finally me. i thought i was okay and ready and happy. i thought i could be happy for you.

but this is a terrible kind of agony.

i am me and not me. i am taking pieces of myself back from you and hoarding the bits of you i have left. i hear all my breakup songs from your point of view. i almost automatically save memes you’d like. i hear your laugh and see your smile and i scream. i cant feel giddy without thinking of you, i cant feel sad without thinking if you. everything i have is tainted by you. i see only how you saw the world, saw me, because i was yours yours yours on purpose.

all i wanted was to be yours.

i just wanted you to want all of me.

i just wanted you to cuddle me and tell me i was good enough sometimes.

it could’ve been more easily. i could’ve had so much more, you could’ve given me so much more

so.

easily.

but i didn’t want more. i wanted you. i wanted you to have me. i wanted to be yours yours yours forever. and sometimes i thought i wanted to pick the way you had me and sometimes the thought felt so selfish that it settled on my lungs and suffocated me from the inside out.

i unblocked you on my phone. you haven’t discovered you can text yet. i can’t decide if i like that or not. my heart is resonating ‘i am here i am here i am yours yours yours, did you forget? you squeezed too hard before you dropped me why did you hurt me why did you drop me im supposed to be yours yours yours i am here come back for me-‘

but i am cradling my heart’s shattered remnants gently whispering ‘i cannot be yours yours yours, i dont know if it’s for you or for me anymore but the time where i was yours yours yours is over. you decided you didn’t want me anymore. i tried everything. everything wasnt enough for you.’

and i am bitter and angry and sad and scared and hurt i am so hurt and yet the pieces of you that i thought were me cry ‘yours yours yours how could you forget im yours?’

my anger coils in my stomach like a snake and i fear if i talk to you the snake will bite you again and poison you with its venom of bitterness. my fear gasses my lungs until there is no oxygen left. my sadness steadily drops marbles in my throat until i am choking.

and my hurt blooms into roseless thorns and grows until i am nothing but a bramble patch.

i wonder if you still wish i was yours yours yours. i dont know how to be without you anymore. there is not a crevice in my life without a trace of you.

how does the earth get rid of the water?

#personal #personal vent #poetic #i am not okay #tw vent

[inutaffy]

“you’ve always been jealous of me!”

“maybe that’s bc you were always splinters favorite!”

“raph. i love you bro.”

DO YOU SEE. DO YOU SEE. THE DUCKCIJF SHIFT IN TBEIR EXPRESSIONS MAN TBE FJCKFGMOFYHEFNEN GHE WAY. THATS HIS BROTHER MAN THATS HIS FUCKFJFG. OUGH. I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW WHAG THE ACTUAL FUCK. THE. THE. “JEALOUS?!” SO MUCH OF HIS EMOTIONS TRANSLATE TO ANGER OR JEALOUSY TOWARDS OTHERS AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKINF CRAZY. MAYBE IT WAS AT FIRST (aka beginning of s1) BUT IT ISNT NOW AND THATS FHE WHOLE POINT THAGS THE WHOLE DUCKIJF POINT. HE ISNT JUST JEALOUS AND AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BRO IS JUST 16 AND WATCHING HIS WHOLE PLANET GET DESTROYED. BRO IS 16 WATCHING HIS FATHER MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM. BRO IS 16 AND WATCHING WHILE HIS OLDER BROTHER BASICALLY BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON RIGHT BEFORE HIS FUCKING EYES, PICKING UP EVERY BURDEN EVER AND JUST SOLDIERING ON LIKE THIS IS SO FUCKIJF AWFUL.

THE FUCKIJG SHIFT FROM S1-2 LEO TO SEASON 3-5 LEO IS FUCKINF TRAGIC. THAT SHIT HURTS ME DEEP IN MY BONES. YOU CAN SEE HIM START TRYING TO BE MORE OF A LEADER AND A MINOR CARETAKER THAN BROTHER FOR A MINUTE THERE AND THAT KILLS ME EVERYTIME BC IT STARTS WHEN HE FUCKIJG SAVRIFICES HIMSELF AT THE END OF SEASON 1 BY BLOWING UP THE FUCKING KRAANG SHIP. THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTS AND I HATE IT. HE SHOULDNT BE DOING THAT BUT HE IS AND ITS SO AWFUL ITS SOS SO AWFUL BUT I WILL NOT GO INTO THAT HERE I REFUSE I WILL NOT CALL ME WHEN IT ISNT 3AM AND I WILL TELL TOU.

ANYWAYS.

SO YEAH MAYBE HE DOES WISH HE WAS LEADER IF ONLY SO IT MEANT LEO DIDNT HAVE TO BE. IF ONLY SO LEO COULD BE LEO FOR A MINUTE BC YOU KNOW WHAG RAPH IS???? RAPH IS GUILTY. RAPH FEELS SO FUCKING GUILTY ALL THE DUCKIJF TIME AND I DOMT HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW SO YOURE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME. TRUST ME ON TBIS I AM RIGHT ABOUT THIS. I CANT DUCKIJG STAND FBIS SHOW.

AND TBH I DONT BLAME RAPH. LIKE IF MYYYYY OLDER BROTHER GOT PROMOTED ONE DAY AND STARTED TRYING TO PULL RANK ON ME I WOULD BE A BITCH ABOUT IT TOO. THE FUCK. MAKE ME ASSHOLE. YEAH. BUT ALSO. AS THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. AND JUST YK. AS ME. I AM ME. ANOTHER THING IS THAT LEO IS JUST. IMPRESSIONABLE? A LITTLE BIT? ESP IN THE EARLY SEASONS. WHICH MAN I CAN RELATE TO. BITCH FIXATED ON A TV SHOW AND MADE IT HIS WHOLE PERSONALITY WHICH I LOVE FOR HIM BUT GOTDAMN. LEO LITERALLY GOES INTO BATTLE IN S1 QUOTING HIS SPACE HEROES SHOW AND MAKING STUPID ONE LINERS AND TRYING TO BE ALL HEROIC BUT IT JUST COMES OFF AS DORKY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME SAD. HE’S FOLLOWING EXAMPLES AND HE WANTS TO IMPRESS AND HE WANTS TO DO GOOD OK HE WANTS TO GET A GOOD GRADE IN CHILD WHICH IS NORMAL TO WANT AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIVE LIKE LEO IDEALIZES SPLINTER THAT IS HIS DAD MAN HE STRIVES FOR HIS APPROVAL. I DONT CARE WHAT MY DAD HAS TO SAY MOST OF THE TIME BUT FAVING HIS DISSAPOINEMENT???? FUCKINF AWFUL.

AND THEN THE DUCKING KRAANG HAPPEN AND SPLINTER TELLS HIM TO PREPARE FOR LOSSES. PREPARE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. AND HE REALIZES OH SHIT IS FR. UHM. OKAY. SO MAYBE THIS LEADING ISNT ALL I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. AND HE EXPRESSES THIS. MULTIPLE TIMES. THROUGHOUT THE FIRST AND SEVOND SEASON. AND THEN BE JUST STOPS. BRINING IT UP ALL TOGETHER. HE JUST STOPS. LIKE. DUDE. DUDE. HE WANTED TO BE LEADER SO BAD AT FIRST AND THEN THE HORRORS CAME FOR HIM. HE WAS NOT READY. NOW DONT GET ME WRONG, LEOS IN GENERAL ARE FUCKIJG CRAZY MAN THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LEO IS FULLY CAPABLE OF BEING THE LEADER HE JUST. HE WASNT FUCKING READY YET MAN. HE WAS 15. IM GONNA FUCKINF CRY.

NOT TO MENTION. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT. HE’S KINDA ELEVATED TO THIS PEDESTAL AND NOW HE’S DUCKINF STUCK THERE MAN. LEO KEEPS TRYING TO BE THEIR LEADER AND TO HIM, THAT MEANS HE HAS TO DO IT ALONE. HE’S THE LEADER. YES HE KNOWS THAT HIS BROTHERS WILL BE THERE FOR HIM HE KNOWS THAT HE ISNT ALONE BUT THAT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY HE IS THEIR LEADER AND HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON HIS OWN AND THAT MENTALITY BLEEDS INTO EVERYTHING ELSE AND RAPH (and the others tbh. fuckijg everyone) JUST WANT THEIR FUCKING DORKY CRINGEFAIL LOSER BIG BROTHER BACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

#damn #no blood #i need a medal for readinf all that and you need a medal for writing all ghat

[x-bongus-x]

it so stupid how just spending one dinner with my family where my older sister is present makes me feel so shit for days afterwards. like i was so used to not being around her. she makes me self conscious as fuck about what i say and how i look etc. because i know she looks down on me for stuff like that. reminds me how much of a relief it was for me when she moved out. like i still wasnt independent of course but suddenly i felt like i was allowed to exist in any room of the house and i was allowed to talk

today im also thinking about how embarrassing it was for her in middle school to have people know i was her sister. she never interacted with me at school or even said hi. i was being bullied and i spent recess alone sitting somewhere out of peoples way. at home she complained to our mom how annoying she finds people at school who "just sit alone all the time in some corner with their hair covering their face" describing me to a T, making sure i was in earshot when she said all that. i was letting my hair cover my face because i considered myself fucking ugly. and when she found out i was being bullied she thought it was funny and just laughed.

on one hand i want her to like me and respect me and it makes me so fucking sad that i cant seem to figure out how i can earn that from her

on the other hand im angry that shes just gotten away with this behaviour and shes doing so well in life. like yeah im jealous i admit that. but i still dont want to be as judgemental and mean as she has been to me

more than anything i just wish things had been different, i wish i'd have a big sister. i do have one but also not really.