#i wish i did. i wish i knew but i dont. and it feels like everyone else has figured out how things work and im just supposed to do that too

[scrimblospectrumdisorder]

unironically one of the most fucked up endings to any manga ever i literally cried for like 30 minutes when I first reached the last few chapters of this

#me.txt #kazeki #kaze to ki no uta #1970s manga #vintage shoujo #the story has so many problems and i had to skip certain parts but also its just so tragic and i feel so bad for the characters #i dont really assume any ill intent in the content btw its just that some of it isnt executed as well as it could be to say the least #i think tho the way things are so flowery and beautiful when its just horrific (gilberts backstory) add to how its distorted his worldview #which to me makes it even sadder cause im reading it like no no no no 😭😭 #but weirdly i think that goes over some ppls heads . idk. this scene in particular illustrates it well though #the way he looks back on his life with such rosetinted glasses because its all he ever knew... :( it just makes me so sad #i just wish he got a happy ending because he did not deserve all that #top 10 anime characters who have suffered more than jesus

[puppyeared]

i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet??? #its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^ #i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

[dayurno]

#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers #literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live #so you may be subjected to some nonsense #that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings #the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass #the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that #the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check #im joking of course dont quote me on it #jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well. #'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me' #also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml #jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated #a character with many moving parts im sure #there were a few things i did not care for #namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion #i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense #i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on #all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family #so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me #which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean #i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest #uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him #andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck #two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other #the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier #but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited #uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably #pedestrian #not necessarily in a bad way #it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters

[malwarechips]

ok hot take: arti is NOT balanced. specifically her combat. not in an overpowered way, but the opposite. she's not strong enough for combat against scavengers. arti has ZERO abilities to resist spears outside of the parry, which requires timing and honestly quite impressive reaction speed. ("just turn the game speed down!" some people cant play with the speed lowered! (me) ive been playing since before downpour and ive NEVER used the mushrooms so im USED to this speed. turning it down throws me off so much that id die MORE) sure, she can resist explosives somewhat, she wont die to them, but she still gets stunned anyways. so who cares if shes immune to death from explosives when she cant do anything PASSIVELY about spears, the thing that matters. you survive a grenade, but then you get stabbed in the head a second later and die anyways. scavengers weren't designed to be fought. they have a reputation system for a reason. they're the sort of creature you dont fuck with because they WILL fuck your shit up beyond belief. arti goes against all of that. and shes not strong enough to. she doesn't have resistences to what MATTERS. fighting large groups can be near impossible sometimes. and sure, you can avoid those most times, but you physically cannot in metro. you HAVE to fight them at least SOMEWHAT to even get through.

i understand how people can like arti. but the problem is she's simply not strong enough. i understand that rain world is MEANT to be difficult, but arti takes it too far imo. she's difficult into unfairness. sure, losing karma doesn't matter. but doing the same thing again and again and again just... is terrible. even if you take a different route. i took different routes almost every other time i died while playing arti. i still got sick of dying. i was so relieved when i beat it. i never plan on playing her again. she brought me genuine, terrible stress. she killed my drive to want to play rain world for a while; the thought of just opening it stressed me out. games are meant to be fun. i can understand how arti could be, but she just isnt to me. she's not fun. she will never be fun for me without significant altering. and even then, i highly doubt i could ever bring myself to play her again. just looking at her select screen art makes me anxious.

#i want to emphasise that i dont care if ppl do enjoy arti. im glad. i have nothing against ppl who enjoyed her campaign #its just.. i wish i knew people who had the same experience as i did #''get the arti revives on kill mod!'' i have it. ive had it the entire time . i have it set to the max time it will let me set it to. #it barely helped #sorry that this turned into more of a vent i just . really needed to get this out . #ive always struggled with feeling like im bad at games and will never get better and just . #seeing everyone else LOVE arti's campaign just... has made that so much worse. #i love arti as a character . i really do. #i think her campaign has potential. but its not executed well . #i WANTED to like it. i TRIED to like it. i cant. #i both understand how people could and dont understand at the same time. #how can you guys cope with doing the same thing 60 times in a row? does it not stress you out? does it not get boring? #do you not get sick of it? i dont get it #i just ... want to feel good at something. #i felt somewhat good at rain world for a while . i still do sometimes . but then i remember arti. and i feel like an outlier again . #lev.txt #hyperfixation.txt #vent #<- kinda #rain world #long post #<- somewhat . idk

[vero-niche]

a fellow english major, really happy to see someone who's proud of their degree <3

you know that "no love, no matter how brief, is wasted" line? i think the same applies for knowledge too - no matter how useless it may seem, knowledge acquired is never in vain.

#honestly like. idk what your age is but when i was attending uni i kept getting told that i shouldve gone for IT. because the future #- and the money - is there. #now look at the IT companies. the whole thing is crumbling #not to mention the arrogance. that IT degree didnt make you immune to the same old scam tactics did it. how are your nfts doing btw #honestly i never really expected it myself that a humanities degree would prove useful in a daily life type of way #like. sure i knew it wasnt useless but still. its entirely different to experience it in real time yknow #and the whole new wave ''it isnt that deep'' trend is honestly pretty dangerous bc there usually IS something deeper. #a narrative an agenda a propaganda etc.... or simply just capitalist greed #so its needed to read between the lines and see what the point/intention really is #- and thats what literary and other art analysis is making you do! it makes you stop and think #this is all not even mentioning all the political historical and cultural stuff we learned about all the anglo-saxon countries #which all prove to be pretty useful in light of recent events...... #so yeah. anyway. dont listen to all those who say its useless (and theres a lot of those even among the ones who chose this major too) #its clearly not. but even if it were it wouldnt matter ehat they think #(i do wish tho that i couldve attended it already on the right meds bc i feel like i forgot A Lot bc of my mental state at the time #but oh well. what can you do) #thank you for the ask it was really nice of you 💞💞💞 #ask #anon

[vani-ash]

having so many feelings about dff ep 7

#i think i felt every emotion during that episode #had to pause it and take a breath so many times #anyway i wish them all a very die #dff #dead friend forever #dff ep7 #dff ep7 spoilers #well now we know what jin did ig #phee is 100% playing jin #i think thats gonna be the last time phee saw non and hes gonna regret it #when they all get back hes gonna be like okay ive calmed down i wanna talk to him where is non #and non just never came back and thats when he did this whole elaborate revenge plan of being invited to the group #i dont think future him knows what happened to non besides guessing #i cant fucking believe jin posted that video #for all he knew non was doing it against his will #phee crying when he first saw the teacher and non was actually heart breaking #non bestie 😭 i feel like phee wouldve understood if you explained it to him #anyway to bring this to kimchay beacuse i cant stop making everything about kimchay #kim seeing chay being abused by his teacher and going feral

[kn11ves]

emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean

#what did i do #i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was #just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do #why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what #i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all #sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged #or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt #i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so #different..like no it didnt. or im missing something? #i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood #innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍 #ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother #we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i #doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt #Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone #like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door #and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO????????? #those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt #ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he #told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT?????? #oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it #be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL #I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO #she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE #8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME #mothers when they mother👍

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

like im just saying they should invent a family that doesn't make you want to kill yourself

#and a school system while theyre at it #or just a me that wouldn't make me want to kill myself #just like. without all the problems that make it impossible to exist in normal society as myself #i know technically its possible for me to have a future but goddammit i dont see one okay #i havent made a single goddamn real life connection since middle school and now we're so distant i barely remember whos who on discord #thats not to mention how I've just been on the edge of every friendgroup anyway. including that one #im just some fucking loser. im not going to fucking graduate my only career aspiration is a goddamn pipe dream and if i dont fucking kill #myself by then im going to be stuck living with my family forever and we're not going to be seeing eye to eye. #all ive ever done is dig myself a deep grave and then tether other people to me to drag them down too #i love you all but i dont know how you see me as anything but gross and annoying and weirdly fucking clingy okay #i just #i dont know what im fucking doing #i wish i did. i wish i knew but i dont. and it feels like everyone else has figured out how things work and im just supposed to do that too #but i cant. i fucking cant and it keeps getting worse and i keep getting worse and i keep making it worse for my family while im at it #i miss being able to imagine doing stuff tomorrow. or in an hour #i miss being able to wash the dishes and not having to think about stabbing myself with fucking cutlery #i miss being able to show my mother my report card #but its my fucking fault im in this mess in the first place #and i just cant fucking try enough. or at all #aethers rants #cw vent #cw sui ideation #personal posts and stuff idk

[silverislander]

being on the internet is so fun. i can come watch one of my childhood heroes make a whole twitter thread cyberbullying random women she's never met, putting anyone who says that's kind of mean on blast and then blaming them for the hate she sent their way via her hundreds of thousands of radicalized followers!

#like. jesus fucking christ #i dont expect better from her but its so fucking sad at its core. its just fucking pathetic #and thinking abt what her work meant to me and how much i loved it? and what it got me through? #i was reading these books to escape being bullied for seven years on end they quite literally kept me alive sometimes as silly as that is #yeah they sucked in a lot of ways i didnt pick up on but they were really important to me as a kid! #i would like to at least look back on birthday parties and road trips going 'well that wasnt perfect but i had fun and now ive learned' #rather than 'god i wish i had never heard of that' #and now shes. doing almost the exact same thing those people did to me on a larger scale. basically for a living #if she knew me shed probably call me the same shit they did back then. how sad is that #levi.txt #i genuinely want to know if she knows who anita bryant is. and if she can name anything specific anita did before campaigns #but then shed probably think of her as a fucking hero too. no sense of irony in her body #i just feel so fucking awful for the poor women shes calling out in those april fools posts. i hope theyre doing ok #i hope they can get away from the harassment somehow bc ive heard abt how intense it can be when it comes from her #and i hope they know theyre better women than shell ever be. its such a deeply mean spirited 'joke'

[lordiavolo]

to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.

when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.

but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.

#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL #ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as #possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch #i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my #peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts #i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont #even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix. #i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a #part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase. #i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know #there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem #for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes #im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times #anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better #than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know? #being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be #that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends) #hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a #good person it is within ur hands i promise u #ok love u goodnight #personal

[surreal-duck]

messing around a bit

#delete later #man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird #trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg #shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me #should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔 #still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess #just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made. #im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough. #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony #well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole #even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw #actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself #but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate #hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week #man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay #hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini #masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh #ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini #aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr #me when i have to do my job at work #i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower #sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit

[odetolovers]

i’m losing it

#Guys. Guys. #i refuse to uhaul this relationship bc i Rly want it to work #but she is just. genuinely incredible #i am going to fall so hard my feelings for her are already so strong and so are hers :( #she’s genuinely everything i cdve ever wished for in a person & soon to be partner if all goes well and makes me feel so safe #i feel lucky as hell & every time we text or call or hang out together i feel so at peace #thank u universe bc how the hell did i stumble across this #also she went to my college so we wouldve crossed paths probably hundreds of times and never knew #now here we are nearly 5 years later and the timing of absolutely everything cd not be more perfect #it’s just wild. theres so many insane coincidences #and ill never get over her matching my energy shes just like me fr <- both mildly insane and obsessed w each other #we keep hallucinating each others perfume man 😭 im so done for #valentina talks #Sorry guys once we get over the honeymoon period ill probs talk less abt her (lying) #ive never been so sure abt anything like i am abt her and it’s so effortless and easy to be honest and we’re both whores for communication #like when i say the energy is matched it’s Matched. it feels so healing 😭 #im obsessed but i also know its early days so im not saying it’s gonna remain this good but like. i feel weirdly confident in it. idk im #trusting my gut tbh. things only fuck up when i Dont trust my gut sdgsjfhs #my lover

[kkyaka]

I wish people wanted me to be their friend :/

#ignore me lol just feeling sad #tried to meet up with one of my friends from high school and she kinda just blew me off #we were roommates in college before she dropped out #but once we got to college it felt like she just left me in the dust #she would hang out with her cousin all the time #and she would hang out with other people without me that we knew #she never really wanted to do anything with me #and i was always the one trying to initiate to hang out #i cant even remember if she ever did #i just dont understand why no one wants to be my friend #am i really that annoying? or that bad of a person? or so good at bringing negative energy? #i just wish i knew why i cant keep my friends #and why people rarely reach out to me #🥝.rambles

[godsfavoritescientist]

you’ll always be my favorite ghost - Big God, by Florence + The Machine

[Image description: Lineless digital painting of Ford kneeling in front of the stone statue of Bill, hugging it and crying. He is in the woods, surrounded by birch trees, with beams yellow light streaming down from the treetops. The grass around Ford is shaded to be reminiscent of the shape of the portal.]

#original art #billford #god I havent drawn in ages let alone lineless art #i dont know how to draw tears or anatomy at All #I looked up 'man hugging dog' to find a good hugging-while-kneeling reference image. #sometimes you gotta say fuck it and draw the thing before the idea of it eats you alive #i'm writing a fic about ford confronting the statue. the feelings are just so Complicated #he is so angry and relieved and exhausted. #angry at everything bill did. angry that hes gone forever. angry at himself for spending any energy on thinking about bill #most of all angry at himself for missing bill. he doesnt even Miss Bill #he just misses the version of bill that he thought he knew pre-betrayal. but that doesnt make the complicated feelings any less real #i imagine he would avoid the statue for a long long time and then one day accidentally walk past it #and feel a ton of repressed feelings bubbling to the surface #and he would want to kick the statue or run away or yell at it but all of those feel so silly to do to a statue. basically a gravestone #so he ends up hugging it and feeling like an idiot for hugging it but he just has to sob for a little while #sometimes you gotta cling to the tombstone of your horrible toxic ex and sob about how much you miss them #and sob about how bitter and angry and lost and Tired you feel. there will Never be any Resolution. he's just. Gone Forever #i can picture him laughing through the sobs and muttering 'we'll meet again huh. as if.' #'i never want to see you again you asshole. and having the chance to meet again would be too good to be true.' #he's just So Heartbroken about it all. and he wishes he could get some kind of closure or something. but there IS none. #even if bill came back what would he say? nothing new. He would keep feeling no remorse about any of it. he would keep being horrible. #ford is kinda mourning the final tiny little irrational ray of hope in him that got crushed when bill died. #the irrational hope that maybe bill Could end up regretting what he did and become better and then he could have his best friend back. #the irrational hope that the betrayal was all just a bad dream and any second now he will wake up and bill will be benevolent and good #none of these feelings are things that ford can admit to himself. not even all these decades later. #but it Does Something To You to see your ex-closest-friend's tombstone!! #regardless of how deep and terrible the betrayal was. #ford so badly wishes he could stop having any kind of feelings about bill anymore. especially the lingering remains of fond feelings #but i dont know if those feelings even Can be completely gotten rid of. hes stuck with the knowledge that he feels upset about bills death. #and he hates it. he hates feeling upset about the death of an evil dream demon who tried to destroy his family and his dimension.

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[nomaishuttle]

i do fr need to work on differentiating between "actually middleclass" and "doesnt live paycheck to paycheck" lmao bc that is something i struggle with... obviously ik i have more in common with like. even somebody whos fr middleclass disney vacations every year. I know i have more in common with them than i do with bezos but god at least i dont have to see bezos being annoying in front of me every day KJANDJKLNLJD

#bc its like this. i obviously have way more contempt for a billionaire. obviously. but ive never met an actual billionaire yfm. and i Have #met middleclass ppl and A lot not all but a lot. are so insufferable and ikkkk not all of them or whatever but like. i constantly got shit #for being poor from middle class kids and like. ik im supposed to be class solidarity with them bc were all poor when compared to a #billionaire but goddd fucking damn they make it difficult . ik its like well the upperclass Wants the lowerclass and middleclass to be at #eachothers throats bc it means they dont pay attention to the upperclass walking over the both of them. i knowwww. but i can multitask #major in hating rich people minor in hating the middleclass... #THIS ISNT RLY RELATEDFTO THE LAST POST AT ALL i just have a lot of like. complicated feelings abt classism basicallyy. #like. i wouldnt wish poverty on anybody it fucking sucks. but as a kid i did sometimes fantasize abt swapping lives with my classmates who #had more money than me Not even bc i wanted to live their life but just so they would like. see the apartments i lived in and see the room #i shared with both of my siblings (weeman didnt exist yet lmao) and just like. look in the fridge. bc i just rly wanted ppl to get it lol.. #there was this one assignment that was like. wants vs needs and ppl kept putting needs as like. A big backyard. vacation once a year. my ow #personal bedroom etc and ik they were kids but it was like. insanely frustrating to have these kids who had like. never had to live without #Wants. yk. bc then i would just write down like. food. shelter. water. thats it lmao i even had clothes as a want instead of a need. and #they were making fun of me bc my list was so short and its like . look man i have gone without these three things on multiple occasions. yk #and now i try to be like. its good that there are ppl who have never experienced that i dont want ppl to have to experience that especially #like. that was in 4th grade lol. i was 9. i shouldnt have been worrying abt bills and stuff and none of my classmates knew anything abt tha #and thats a Good thing they shouldnt have. but theres this selfish part of me that wishes they did KANDJNS bc its so insanely isolating to #have ppl like. interrogating you abt why your shoes are so worndown or why your winter jacket is too small yk. and you cant say 'my family #cant afford better/new ones' bc they dont even understand what money is. yk. IDK. im just very sensitive abt these kinds of things KANDNW.. #perhaps a bit too oversensitive at times but yk. im working on it and im working on not being spiteful abt it bc like. yes it was isolating #but it was a good thing that the kids didnt relate to it yk. kids shouldnt relate to that and i shouldnt have felt that way bc no kid shoul #im also Ik i bring it up constantly but im still so mad abt that time my friends heard me say Yeah i have to go to court against my dad nex #wednesday . and they didnt say anything and then one of them went Ughhh my dad wont buy me the newest iphone hes buying me the newest #samsung instead But i have an iphone app that i spent 50 dollars on that wont transfer !!!!!! and then she endedup getting the iphone #anyways. sry ikk its grudge and i need to let it go but im still peeved... brinn there are people that are dying . #and also now i know that like. a lot of the other kids in my class Did understand and were just like. posturing. yk. a few of those kids #were from the same neighborhood as me lmao i was just too autistic to realize we werent supposed to be honest 💀 but yes. sry for this like #manifesto i am just thinking out loud..... well not bc this is text famously a written form of communication but we all understand. anyways