#we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i

[kn11ves]

emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean

#what did i do #i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was #just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do #why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what #i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all #sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged #or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt #i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so #different..like no it didnt. or im missing something? #i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood #innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍 #ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother #we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i #doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt #Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone #like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door #and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO????????? #those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt #ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he #told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT?????? #oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it #be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL #I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO #she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE #8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME #mothers when they mother👍

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

#sorry if u know me and think this might be about you #not trying to like vaguepost abt them though i just dont even know if its worth bringing up. and i cant even rly communicate #i forget if my irl friend has a tumblr #its not your fault i feel like this though if anyone does read this #i just feel like i keep saying the same things in vents to friends and i want to stop bothering tgem

[camphorror]

the only friend who i coul talk about this stuff isnt really interested in talking about me anymore so im just going to type all this overhsaring cap while trying to calm down from crying for 30 minuets an throwing up from the crying

i have an :::aunt”” who hates me because she is literally a raicst who stopped talking to my mother when she decided to marry someone who isnt from the same ethnicity as her and then of course she hates me for being a tainted person for his horrible offense!! i never really knew her she neve rinvited us to birthdays or anything she did at her house with her evil daughters and we did invite them for birthdays because i just very much remember not understanding why she is so distant (compared to my “”normal”” aunt) and just always wanted her to like me up until i grew up old enough to understand why it was that they ere all like this

now fucking 7 YEARS ago  was at my grandmas and i was looking at old photos and back then i was very much into ww2 and like 30s-40s time period in europe and all and i was fascinated by all the old photos she had and she allowed me to take a lot of old photos some she wanted me to bring back so i just scanned them and brought them back and some she just let me have i swear to god she let me have them some were of people she didnt know she didnt let me have any of her old photos besides the ones that had 2 copies but she pm let me have all of my grandfather’s (who i have never met) photos from the 30s-40s and these photos were my favourite ting in the world i usedto go over them once every month since fucking 2014 to see if they ware ok i recently planned to try and get an album for them bc i dont think it’s kept well in a box if you ask every close friends i have how many times i told them want to see something cool and showed them these photos i love these photos with all of my heart and they fascinate me i even wanted to san all of them and try to find maybe some site or subreddit that can help me translate some of the writings on the back of some of them as idk what language it even is and it’s all in cursive. not once in the past 7 fucking years (ok actually once but it wasnt here it as my evil aunt) did my grandma ever ask me for these photos because she kne wi have them and i keep them and i cherise them 

then suddenly last week when my supposedly normal aunt wwas here because my scumbag aunt visited my grandma when she had fucking pneumonia and my grandma got sick and she’s generally been like weird mentally lately like she’s not 100% in the moment. anyway they were both at her house when she was sick and suddenly suddenly my supposedly normal aunt claims that my grandma wants all the photos back. but does she say it herself? no. my aunt tells it to my mother.i got pissed pff and offended that she didnt call me. i am not a child. after some insufferable back and forth my grandma says she just wants the photos she’s in. ok. whatever. my aunt says she’ll go get copies of them and bring me back i dont care. then suddrnly when i went there to give it to them my aunt asks me if i have more photos and i like yes sure i have [everything i mentioned above] she flis out like i didnt know youhave them give them to me i didn’t know it i will copy of all of them!! like ok first of all not my fault you didnt know you live in almost the other side of the country sincr 2010 youre not suopposed to know that i took photos 7 years ago. notlike i have to share every detail. second of all i liteally did tell her something about this once. ok i tell her i will give her all the photos before she goes home she has a friend who works at a photogrhy store who can copy them for cheap.

so now i know the reason this is happening is bascially my “normal” aunt and ym evil aunt literally manipulate my grandma into caring about these stuff because i know the thing here. THE CRIME here is that my evil aunt does not have these photos. i know she wants them, the reason i took them 7 years ago is that i knew there was no way on earth my mother would have these at any point and i just decided i want them (and my grandmother ALLOWED ME). but whatever. copy the photos have it your way i dont care

now my aunt came to take them todaynd i told her when she called “you  are giving me back the original photos i got them 7 years ago it’s not fair to take them” she says ok. i meet her downstairs and i chat to her and i tell her again “really you give me back the original photos ok” and suddenly when she physically has them iin her hand she says no!!! i will give you back the copies!! i say no youre lying i wouldnt have given shit if i knew you’d do this. she starts making excuses about how they need to have the originals because what f they’d want to give it to a fucking holocaust msueusm. i tell ehr why on earth give a meuseum original photos give them the copies. she says no and i was tired and irritated and i just told her whatever she got what she wants by lying so i dont care anymore. and i left her in the street and went home. i lost it on the way it happened an hour ago and im still crying. i cant believe this shit happened. these photos were mayb one of the most important things in my life. i just cried annd cried and lost it and lost my cool and started screaming and hitting everything. i tried calling her telling her it’s not fair she lied to me why is she doing this. i got sick of playing stupid and i said i know they only did this because they want my other aunt to have the photos. she then accused me (and my mother) of being the liars who took the photos and never said i had them (what the fuck?) and then lying saying we don’t have more (literally not true) and then she called me A CRAZY INSANE PERSON for crying and freaking out and telling her i know why all this shit is happening. and she said she doesnt want to talk to me becaus ei’m crazy and she hung up. i literally fell down crying and threw up and hit myself for being so stupid. i now understand why she wanted ALL the photos. including those of random who no one knows. because they just want them to have it.

i know my grandma doesnt love me as much as she loves them. my grandma also stopped talking to my mother once she got married but then she “got around it” but my evil aunt is he rfavourite daughter and her kids are her favourite grandkids and my “nrmal” aunt and them always meet toether and do family stuff together and never with us and they never see anything wrong with it.they even accuse me of “contributing to this stupid fight” even tho it’s insane to even say this like this thing started 2 years before i was born because of RACISTS and i was treated like shit as a child by these ppl but i’m still seen on par with their behaviour!!! so they dont care. i actually wholly believe my grandma want my shitty aunt to have those photos actually. i fele so stupid. this was my favourite possession in the world and i was stupid enough to let it go. i still cant stop crying until now i actually hate everything. im sick of all those insane people in every side of my favmily there are insane people on my father’s side i have sociopathic theives who dont even care their brother fucking died from brain cancer and most of which i dont even fucking know and on my mother’s side there are just a bunch fo self obsessed freaks who hate me for the crime of being born

#txt

[dolce-fritz]

So being the new evil girlfriend is fun

So recently my Partner has had some majorly stupid ass drama with their ex. Like this girl, she’s loopier then the Olympic oval, Like normally I’m nice and don’t slander people but like. She’s just, hoo boy. A mess.

And yeah this is from a completely biased stand point. And I’m about to tell you why that I feel the way that I do about this girl from my own experiences. This is going to be long winded, so I’m putting it under a read more. 

So I moved from the lovely state of Utah this year, my homelifes never been 100% great. I love my mom but our issues clash and we do better separate. Not to mention I really wanted to try it out in another state again and this time the right way and not just a spur of the moment decision while i visited like what happened with Florida.

Well, planned my vacation to See my at the time friend to see if I really liked it there.  I knew about their recent split with their Ex, and the two seemed pretty amicable about it. The other roommate was.... hoo, a mess to say the least. and My friend didn't want to be alone with her because they actually had been wanting to tell her to leave because of the issues that she'd brought into the home. anyways that in itself was a bit of drama.

So I was like OK. I'll come check it out and if I like it I'll be your new room mate.

Well. I plan my trip about four weeks out. and end up pretty excited about it. Come to find out with no real surprise that My friends Ex is going to move out before Octobers over.

My friend starts panicking. again doesn't wanna be alone with the other roommate that they're having hardships with. So I say ok... I'm going to do this vacation, then im just going to move on the 20th so I can get my stuff packed.

Shits already starting to go down hill.

I get there. everything seems fine. The ex seems nice, things seem ok. the other roommates.... already trying to cause shit with me and im not even physically in the house. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an old office space. bought a bunch of furniture because at this point. I know I'm moving here. Its going to happen. This is where I'm going to live might as well help my friend end up getting it taken care of.

Well. Day three of my vacation hits. The ex drops that her dad wants her to move out that day. completely screws the pooch for my friend and the other roommate. And basically bails on them and leaves the house just with the things she wants and then just leaves all the rest of her junk here like its her own storage unit. claims she’ll be back for the rest [ Spoilers never happened]  so that... right there puts this sour taste in my mouth. Cause yeah, me and her ex at that point are sharing a bed. Because like theres only three beds in the house until she ends up leaving and so my friends like ill just sleep with you. me i’m very fine sharing my sleeping space with my friends. i’ve done it literally all my life. hell a its not a goodnight sleep unless your on your best friends bed snuggling the shit out of her kaneki ken body pillow listening to true crime documentaries on the TV but like seriously it was no big deal to me. which im begining to wonder if it was a big deal to her. Either way apparently instead of waiting till i officially moved. she bailed and forced my hand. So I had to stay, I couldn’t properly say goodbye to my mom. couldn’t properly get my shit packed. all cause I really didn’t want to leave my friend alone till I could officially move in. So already, I started getting a slight distaste in my mouth for her. but I let it slide. I know how overbearing parents are sometimes.  well, so i cancelled my flights. money spent that i was never going to end up getting back that I could’ve later used towards something for the house.  The girl left. and I was left, Cleaning up the mess that she walked out of and left behind.  Turns out my friend was the only one that was cleaning up around the house. and working a part time job, while trying to side hustle some art for extra money.  They were the one that was handling all the utilities, while their ex was buying everyone food. Separate it would’ve been an easier task if it was just the two of them. but you add in the extra roommate that was only paying her share of rent and none of the food and utilities and shit starts piling up. Well.  sat down and looked at all the finances. found out that while yeah the Ex was making the most money. She didn’t bother to help out with any of the chores. I mean, they split the dish duty. And i’m sitting here wondering how long this pan of fish oils been on the stove for. had to buy new pans cause they were growing cultures.  Hell half her chores and the other roomates were doing the cat boxes. dude it was shit mountain in there. it was so bad the cats were going in the corner. Yet it was like my friend was expected to pick up after them and pick up their slack because they didn’t work as many hours as the other two. Which I’m sorry. if you can’t balance cleaning up after yourself. and working how the hell are you going to live on your own.  Well in comes me, the living off disability. [ which is not a glorious life] I have a lot of time on my hands. so first few days we douche out the house. things start looking good.  in comes the ex to get something and brings this utter douchebag of a man that boasts about him being the whole reason that they broke up. Which like when we were moving out the ex. the ex’s dads...girlfriend??? was like dont let them take advantage of you. which like made me pull up a shit ton of questionmarks. cause yeah i wasn’t going to let the other roommate do that cause i was kinda aware what her game was and it wasn’t playable with me.  everyone had their part to play in this household, and I wasn’t going to play mother for anyone. Well in comes this guy. boast about how he wont let anyone take advantage of her again and im like sure w/e dude. but like i started like... questioning wtf she was actually telling people that my friend actually did to her.  see, what i was told was that it was an intimacy issue. my friends pretty Asexual so like there wasn’t alot of physical involvement. and that things just weren’t going the way that their ex wanted them to. Turns out it was SOOOO much more then that. so curious me, got digging about this girl cause shit just wasnt really adding up.  and I started finding out things. At this time, friend started turning to partner. and eventually we started dating which made shit a lot more uncomfortable with me and this girl. cause yanno, new girlfriend. ex girlfriend. two things dont usually mesh well in situations like this.  Well so, started finding out that while in a relationship she was leading on a bunch of other guys, and at work would like do this whole “im bi” thing if the guy was cute. like she was very male centered for a “lesbian”  She was super horny on main during DND which made EVERYONE uncomfortable. to top it all off she was a narcissist, that had a victim that she could toy with.  She tried to convince my partners parents while they were still together, to talk to their child when there were behaviours that she didnt like. She tried to have an intervention with their friends to force them into transitioning FtM when they were happy just being nonbinary.  they would gaslight them, manipulate them, and  abuse them. I watched this girl in the span of three weeks tear my partner down with her words in front of me. and be nothing but venomous to them. for no other reason then they were actually happy.   While spining all these stories of how she was the one that was wronged.  Well, I started having enough of her coming around just so she could be mean to my partner. She’d come over. immediately go to our fridge to drink some of the booze she left and then pick at my partner for small insignificant things only because she wanted to fight. When i had enough of that. I told my partner, we’re going to DnD early. she can find her own ride.  She came to a family party, invited unknowingly by my partners brother that’s been over seas and in the military. She thought she was going to get a hookup complained she wasn’t having fun because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Snapped at my partners nephews because they wanted to play and made one of them cry. and was just toxic to be around.  That was strike two.  Strike three was watching how she conducted herself around our dnD group. she’d had this guy, mister “ i saved you from your bad relationship” on speed dial, and would tell him things. and then sit and shit talk him when she was bored with him to everyone. We were all sick of it.  The ending straw with me, was when we finally wanted to be done with this drama. told her three months before hand to get off the car insurance. and it wasn’t done. ended up causing a big thing.  She started saying that she’d leave the DND group to make things easier. because Thats what my partner would want. At this point i couldnt stand it any longer. Three months talking to everyone that physically knows her. and see’s what she’s becoming lead everyone to say the same thing about her She was turning into her mother.  No i know fuck all about that. i dont know her mother, i dont know anything about her. I know she’s on a shot that fucks with your brain and ends up messing with your body. I also was on the DEPO shot for three years of my life and its caused so many problems after i was off it.  and thats what i tried to impart to her my wisdom on.  therapy, and a depo shot.  now how we got there is really long winded, and highly dramatic.  id admitted to her our dnd group wanted to chat. she was pushy, respected no ones boundaries, and left our friends house a complete mess. just like she left ours... and god, she ended up pissing me off cause the girl left slippers caked in cat puke in my tub after staining my bathroom doing her hair dye. she disrespected my home, she disrespected out friends, and our friends home. and she was needlessly mean and cruel to everyone around her that didnt serve some purpose to her.  So yeah she had to go.  Here i am thinking that this is the end of it. but i get updates about how I’m apparently the worst abuser in the world just cause I told some spoiled brat of a woman to get off a shot that messes with the brain, and to seek therapy cause this girl needs help. Funny thing is im not the only one that said it. apprently just the loudest voice to have said it.  and this bitch still thinks i dont like her cause she’s not ‘ providing for us financially” We may not have a high roller life. but damn we’re doing just fucking fine. 

#the dumb drama

[crowkingwrites]

I’m usually a very private person, but i need some help. I need someone to tell me what to do and how to help my childhood friend. Details under cut.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh long story, ladies and gents. All names are changed. 

My childhood friend Patrick is going through the roughest break up in his goddamn life, and idk how to help him move forward. I’ve been in a serious relationship (like im marrying my dude) for 7 years now. All of my heartbreak and crap is in the past. 

Patrick was in a 8 year relationship previous to this one. Her name was Amy. Amy abused him verbally, mentally, and i believe physically but I cant confirm that. He got fucked up by her. When they broke up, I pretty much went to his house every night to drink with him until he felt better. 

The he did a stupid thing to just feel something. Then he met Cassie. They met at a gas station. He tried to mentally memorize her schedule so he could visit her a lot and protect her from dumbasses. 

Before they got into a relationship, Patrick had me meet her first. We all went to a BDSM bar/ club in Chicago(hell yeah i roll like that). I met her and she met me. I thought she was cool and perfect for Patrick. She thought I was there with my boyfriend (she was wrong. this guy wasnt my boyfriend. More on that later.) 

Cassie thought Patrick didnt like her as much as she liked him. I pulled Patrick asaide and told him “DUDE SHE LIKES YOU, FUCKING GO FOR IT COWARD.”

He did. They got into a relationship. All was cute....for a while.

Patrick has been cheated on before, he’s not going to deal with it again. And Cassie’s had...a few close calls.

1. She would be constantly texting and not present in the moment with Patrick. She usually speaks with friends back at home, like Adam. She admitted to Patrick that her and Adam have been intimate, but nothing more to that.

2. She came to me asking me questions about my affair with Brad. Remember what i said earlier? She thought I was at the BDSM club with my boyfriend? I wasn’t. I was definitely there with Brad. You guys remember a bad dude in Bang Bang NAMED BRAD??? Same guy. Im not changing his name because he’s a piece of trash. (And im going to eat him. I mean that. I’m going to eat this man.)

ANYWAYS Brad was hitting on her, singing her songs in spanish, etc. Same behaviors he would exhibit if he wanted a girlfriend. She never did anything with him.

3. Brad discovered a dating profile on Plenty of Fish that belonged to Cassie. Her name. Her age. her face. Claiming she was single and looking for a relationship. Patrick, Brad’s best friend, was NOT happy about this.

This all leads me to what has happened this past 3 months. October, September, and August.

- Both faced deaths in the family. (One of them included the first real boyfriend i ever had and let me tell you guys THAT SUCKS.)

- Both felt angry and unfulfilled by their retail jobs.

- Both were stuck in Indiana with limited options to move forward.

So what happens? Cassie tells Patrick. “I’m moving back to Chicago and i’m getting my masters.” Patrick doesnt want to do a long distance relationship, so they decide together to break it off. She moved in with her friend Adam ya know, same guy she was initimate with and MADE THE FAKE DATING PROFILE ON PLENTY OF FISH TO GET HER TO BREAK UP WITH PATRICK HOW FUCKED IS THAT)

She moved. he’s broken and left with nothing. I literally mean nothing. She moved and there was 0 closure. She doesnt want to talk to him again. She doesnt want to tell him they’re over? Like apparently, Patrick wanted to figure something out because Cassie’s the love of his life and he wants both fo the to be happy together. She thoooought about it, but she never made up her mind?

He tells me “she’s not talking to me. she refuses to talk to me.

She tells me “We’re over. We broke up today.”

And guys, I...I dont know what to do. I’m voice messaging him over facebook and I am lost. He is crying. LIKE CRYING. It is almost 4am here. Its 5am in chicago. I don’t know what to do for him.

HALP

#man listen #i got tea #i got some personal tea #if yall wanna just read the tea and go thats cool #you dont have to help #but like i need help

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[the-euphoric-escape]

Saturday May 20th

I used to be scared of drowning. Of not being able to breathe. And now it is my biggest fear because I know I won't make it till the morning. Theres no one wanting me to stay. No one cares. They just care when you're gone and they'll beg and plead to have what you did un done. "She was so great. And happy always smiling. Always helping people" yea okay. But where were these compliments at 4am when I needed them so badly. And where is all the people that are going to come to my funeral. Where are they now when I need them. My throat is clogged with all the things that I won't get to do. But its not like I was going to do them anyway. I should probably put some clothes on. Dont want it to be awkward when they pick up my body. Died of suffocation. Maybe the childish remarks will come off and they'll count it as an accident. Maybe my bad luck with continue well beyond my years. 20 years old. No. Forever a child in everyone's eyes. Because I dont care. But that's a lie. I care to much. I wish I just had one person. just one to make me feel whole again. Let me laugh and play. and doesn't put me down. Where is that person when I so desperately need one. Who is this god controlling everything and making me hate my life so much. And why does he claim to be my father if he is never there. Brother, I'm sorry that we actually had some good times together. I'm sorry that I did this and I know the consequences will load heavy on you for the rest of your life. Knowing your baby sister was so stupid and selfish as to take her own life without any thought as to anyone else's feelings. To my sister, I wish I could write the same but I'm afraid I can not. You have to help yourself, you have to work everyday to better your mind and to get over your fears or else they will be present and consume you. I know you will either take this as motivation to do better or you will use this as a selfish reason to rid yourself of the pain as well. To my father, I am sorry I continue to be such a disappointment to you, I am sorry I didnt finish school how you wanted me to and I'm sorry I wasted so much money on everything that doesn't mean anything anymore. Please use my future funds to pay for my funeral and dont worry. it can be closed casket just so your family won't be disgraced by my artwork on my body. I wish you had realized that life isn't about money because one day everything you have bought/ paid off/ just wasted money on will be exactly that. A waste... To my beautiful mother who I love dearly. I am sorry life has caused you so much pain and I am sorry that it will continue well after I am gone. I am sorry I have been rude to you and have not helped more around the house. and I am sorry it took me so long to realize how much of a disappointment I am, I wish I could have ended it sooner. I'm sorry that you were the only one that tried to help but you still didnt understand why I did the things I did. Pain is the only feeling I know now and I'd rather not know anything than to continue feeling this. Please bury me next to Oskar. My bestfriend. If his parents allow but I doubt they would want someone like me next to their wonderful son. To my best friend.. I am sorry I can no longer do it. I search up in the sky and I look for you but I can no longer feel your warmth. I can no longer hear the faint humming of you telling me it'll be okay and to just breathe and keep going. I know you're looking down on me shaking your head. or possibly you aren't there at all. and all I'm doing is just setting myself up for a hole in the ground, literally. I miss you bestfriend, and I wish you were here to steal me away from my house whenever I get emotional, but you're not. To my ex, fuck you for whatever you did to me. Fuck you for just being a dumb ass, and hurting me physically and emotionally. You wasted a lot of money of mine, and felt no remorse for anything you caused me. I hope the girls were fun and clearly they were worth it seeing as how you made up your mind very quickly. I meant so much to you that you even tried to strangle yourself in front of me because I told you I didnt want you anymore. You shouldn't have kissed me that summer, you weren't the one I wanted to share my heart with and I know long after I am gone you will not care and even after k have lost all feeling in my body, my stench will still rot with the smell of you betraying me... To my lover, my only lover that I went back to for some unknown reason. I could sit here, and apologize for everything I've done, I could tell you I'm sorry for loving you to much, or to childishly, loving you without know how to love was my first mistake. I wish I could tell you all the times I cried myself to sleep, or lack there of. just because I thought I had lost you, and now I'm banking on the chance that this won't hurt and that it'll take 3 minutes for me to not feel anything. Even the love I have for you. but like the lingering smell of betrayal. your love will always be there. So please dont miss me. but if you would like. please think about me every time you see a sunset. Or sunrise if youre ever up that early. Please visit a museum for me and just over analyze everything and laugh at stupidity that got other people rich. Please open the tin I gave you. with the world painted on it because I wished I would see it with you one day. And please when you see the mood. or the stars. or feel euphoric. please know that I wish I was there with you. Or dont. dont think about me at all cry, scream, call me a whore and wish I was dead even when I am. Do whatever you have to do to accept this and that will be okay for me. I hope that this is not as exciting or relevant that I expect it to be. and I hope that my lungs close up faster than I can feel them collapse on themselves. I've never written a suicide note before. Never even picked up a pen to do it, and maybe that will last until tomorrow and I can wake up and hope that I can push through this madness that is trying to erase me. I just think there's so much left unsaid, or rather. un listened to that I just should not bother trying to say it. because what does it mean anymore? I am in so much pain that I want it to end, and I just want to be numb without the disappointing hum of drugs causing me to smile. So I bid you goodbye, and for my sister. Dos vidanya. sorry Russians. for not spelling that right. Sorry world. for collapsing on yourself like my lungs are about to. Sorry my lovely cat for not being there for you, I love you. Goodbye world. Goodbye everyone that has caused this.

[revol-lover]

Ok I need to rant. Majorly.

Maybe I’m crazy. If I am, please let me know. I am turning 24 this month. But ok I got married a little over a year ago. Prior to this I lived at home with my parents, I wasnt allowed to stay out late, they would wait up for me to come home. Wasnt allowed to go on any over night trip with my fiancé. The whole 9 yards of extreme portuguese parent control. 

I am now married and live literally a 2 minute drive away from my parents (because this is a really nice area and I like it not because I needed to be that close to them for any particular reason) and every weekend since I got married I faithfully visit them on Sundays and a few times had them over at my place instead for sunday lunch. (Not worth mentioning but I’ll mention anyway - we’re never actually “invited” over. We’re very rarely offered a meal when going over. Doesn't matter but just a detail.) This includes during my entire pregnancy, from the extreme tired and fatigue and nausea of the first trimester right up until two weeks ago seeing that I’m now in my third trimester and tired and feeling like you know I’d rather spend my weekend relaxing in between all the other things I have to do before baby gets here. its been hella BUSY.

In between visits with my parents they never call or text me. Never check on me pregnancy wise, etc. There are times even when I text my mom and she never answers me (and she is NOT phone illiterate. Also I can see when she reads texts). If I check in with them I get the “ok” responce to “how are you”. I gave up with that. I’m tired of the effort only being on me.

So like I said, its been two weeks since I’ve visited. I didnt give an explanation the first week. No one checked in on me. I mean for fucks sake I couldve been in the hospital or something but they literally never get in touch with me. Then last weekend we had friends of my husbands from out of town (something that had been pre-planned for months) here to visit so we spent a day with them and I was on my feet all day, not to mention socially drained and I needed to relax the other day (theres only 2days in a weekend!) prior to that weekend I texted my mom to see how she was and tell her I probably wouldn't be by because of those plans but said I’d come by THIS weekend (aka tomorrow).

Now its friday and honestly. I don't want to go. Again. No one checks in if I don't. And if I’m silent for weeks, they return it with silence. They don't ever check in on me. I mean is it normal for parents to not care to this degree? Especially when I had zero freedom prior to moving out. They were never emotionally close or supportive to me but there was always that control factor but now I’m moved out, Ive shown and proved plenty that I care about having a relationship with them and they don't return it in their actions at all.

Now maybe if I had NO other priorities besides making that ONE weekly visit, I’d care less and be able to make it work. But that just isn't the case. Kevin has a 90 year old grandmother who we are both very close to and visit once a week during the week, almost every week. Someone who actually does notice our absence. Someone who appreciates our visit. Then, Kevin’s dad is currently in the hospital recovering from a double organ transplant. He has been in various hospitals and medical centers since November. We also visit him (and Kevins mom who is at the hospital with him most of the time) once a week. There was a time during this period that we didnt even know that he would survive. He was on a transplant list for nearly 2 years. He was extremely close to death, if he didnt get those organs when he did he would not be alive right now. Before he got so sick, we also , were visiting Kevins parents every weekend at their house. They always asked us if we were coming by, always made a meal for us all to share. Kevin’s mom, who has been going through literally the craziest, busiest time of her life, going to work and going to the hospital, every single day for the past 6+ months, one of the hospital stays being 1 1/2 hours away from home and she went faithfully every day, THIS WOMAN, has texted my husband every day to see how we are doing, and specifically always asks how I am doing, how my appointments are going, how I’m feeling. Its a tiny consideration that goes such a long way. Something you kind of expect from a mom???? But my own parents don't do.

So its like. Am i crazy to be sick and tired of visiting every weekend ? To go to their house to sit in a room with one of them staring at the tv and the other their cell phone. Occasionally having a conversation with us, but otherwise it being quiet and slightly uncomfortable and god forbid me, feeling like a bit of a waste of time. Especially when they never check in on me/us. They never invite us over. They never ask to come over. But in contrast to that my mom is so overbearing about the baby stuff. She is handling my baby shower and knows that I don't like overly frilly pink things and she's making sure that it is exactly all about that, because thats what SHE likes. And buying the baby a thousand pairs of shoes even though I already told her I won't be putting shoes on her until she can walk. I mean. If you've been following me you know my mom has her own book of issues and our relationship is very complicated, bt she has a shopping addiction and is very materialistic and thats just not me. I don't live my life that way. We really clash there and I don't want my daughter to have to deal with what I dealt with with my mom, which is conditional love. 

Ive totally gone off track here. I hate even writing these things and publishing them because I’m sure theres that one person who has one thing to say at least about oh at least you have parents or something which, yes I get that. But any other relationship in life this lack of effort would not be acceptable at all. I don't chase people who don't ever show that they care to keep in touch. I feel like my parents take for granted how dedicated I have been to keeping in touch. Have I even mentioned that I through a mothers day brunch for my mom mother in law sister in law and grandmother in law that my mom knew about for weeks and chose to come late to even though she's never late to anything and knows people being late drives me a little nuts (like her. she hates it too so I don't get why she did that to me. It wasnt even an accident. my dad went to church. she was home. he was gonna be late. she couldve came and he couldve come late. she chose to wait for him. i live 2 minutes away.. she couldve just came). I had spent the whole morning, in my third trimester of pregnancy mind you, on my feet with my husband cooking a really nice big brunch for everyone and she came late. Made my other guests feel awkward eating the food HOT as intended because she hadn't shown yet. She didnt even deserve me caring enough to do that. This woman has emotionally abused me my entire life, and physically to a degree when I was a child. But still I have this stupid good daughter complex that I feel guilt whenever I don't show appreciation even tho I’ve never been appreciate.

wow I’m sorry. I just needed to get this all out.

I’m having a baby in less then 2 months. She is going to be my #1 priority in life. I don't think people realize the shit I do. The shit I’ve been doing. It isn't going to continue. I need to be present for my child. I need to be what I didnt have. I need to give her the love and time and nurturing she needs. I need to be the least broken version of myself for her. I’m starting to feel less guilty about not putting effort toward my relationship with my parents. I don't have it in me. I can't do it all. They might not understand putting forth and expressing healthy effort to their children, but I know how important it is. My daughter will have that. Even if it comes at the expense of them barely seeing me. Its their choice in the end. They could pick up the phone too. I’m sick of being the only one.

#personal

[derivatived]

stalkers that never go away

i think its safe to say that we have all had people in our lives that just DONT go away. you have told them or have done things to make them understand that they need to leave you alone. these experiences can happen with literally anyone- strangers, friends, parents, or anybody that crosses your path. most of the time these stalkers, for lack of a better word, just fade away. they get bored, find someone new, or you find a way to avoid them. i wish that was my case.

i have dealt with ending friendships or just growing apart from someone but i did not deal with ending a friendship and having that person turn into a literal stalker until 1.5-2 years ago. this stalking and harassment continues indirectly to this day. let me start from the beginning if youre still interested.

i had become friends with this girl my senior year of high school. our friendship hit off very quickly and obviously we had a great time together, through texts, snapchat, whatever. we went to different universities for two years and maintained this best friendhood throughout those years. we both were unhappy with our schools and our majors so we both decided to transfer to a new school together and become roommates as well as best friends. keep in mind, we told each other everything. we trusted each other.

when we finally moved in together to start our third year of college, i realized that things would be different. i had not realized one of the biggest reasons my friend had chose this school was more so for a guy she had been seeing casually. several months before we moved in, they became official. of course i was happy for her because she was happy. but trust me, this dude was and is a total douche. this guy had also went to our high school and was in our friend group, which is how the two met and rekindled. this guy also took women’s virginities and hung the bloody sheets on his wall and bragged about it, NOT KIDDING. if that isn’t an indicator of poor character, i don’t know what is. but that was several years ago and my friend was happy, so fuck it, whatever.

as we started living together, i realized my best friend became more interested in hanging out with her new boyfriend and his friends. i constantly felt annoyed when we all hung out because she wasnt being herself, she was being someone completely different than the friend i had for years. it was like she needed these stranger’s approval to make her boyfriend happy. if i made an inappropriate joke, which i’m known for, everyone would laugh but my “best friend” would scold me in front of everyone. over a few months, i got really bored with these people. her boyfriend and all of their friends just constantly disrespected women, including me and my friend, but she and everyone else just laughed along with it. i honestly did not appreciate the personalities of my friends boyfriend or his friends and it was lame.

aside from her new lame ass friend group, i was also dealing with my own issues. i had went through a breakup with someone i met online. when i confided in my roommate/friend, she basically shrugged me off. i mean, i was really upset about the whole thing. it took me months to get over that shit. but she shrugged me off and honestly treated me rudely because i was upset about it. it is important to remember, that even though i was annoyed with her and her choice of friends, i still confided her with this secret basically. my online relationship wasnt something i shouted from rooftops and is something i am still embarrassed of 3 years later.

but anyway, our friendship slowly faded. she was more interested in getting drunk with her boyfriend and his friends. i kind of grew out of that stage and i truly did not like the people she was hanging out with. 4 months into living with each other, winter break came and we both went home for a month. keep in mind, we had the same friend group from home. when i got home, i started making plans with everyone that was home. occasionally i invited my roommate but she said no every time except once because she was working. i stopped asking and figured since we know the same people, she can make plans when shes available. i saw her once that month. the texts and snaps we used to have also faded btw.

when we got back to school, she made it a point not to invite me anywhere with her boyfriend or their friends. when i brought it up to her she was just like yeah im not inviting you because you didnt invite me to anything over break. i was seriously like in shock. we had the same friends, she denied me so many times, and she was making this point to not invite me anywhere because of it? but i was just like alright i didnt know you felt that way. we basically dealt with the problem and moved on. but nothing changed and i would say this is where the harassment/stalking began. we eventually stopped talking sometime around march. i had also gotten a boyfriend from a different school and went to visit him a lot. but i stopped saying hi to her and i stopped initiating any contact just to see what would happen. the funny thing was that we didnt speak to each other until may because i stopped starting conversations and putting in effort. imagine not talking to your roommate for 2 months? well, the story gets worse.

but ya know, whatever. i give people chances. i knew we were both taking physics over the summer at our school so i started talking to her again. i also still wanted to be her friend, i did not decide not to be until many months later. anyway, we were both biology majors taking physics. this was a 5 week summer course that went at an advanced rate but the professor was cool and made it super easy- the homework problems were the exam. unfortunately, my friend/roommate dropped the course after the first week. she did super bad on the first exam. i tried to tutor her and i did everything i could as a friend to insist she not drop the course. i was pretty surprised by what happened next. she was just really accusatory towards me (i did very well on the exam bc i studied and love math). she claimed she couldnt take classes with me (we took one before and i did better than her) etc. but if you want the truth, she didnt study for the exam and got drunk at a bar with her boyfriend the night before, thats why she didnt do well. but i digress. she dropped the course and a week later she told me she was changing her major.

now the major change is another thing entirely. this pissed me off to no end because it was like i knew her so well. i knew she wanted a degree in biology.. she switched to pre-pa. and i tried to convince her not to but she kept insisting she could be pre-pa and still go into genetic counseling or a genetics career later (which is what she had always said she wanted to do). but basically she changed her major to pre-pa and i butted out. i am not dissing pre-pa majors. i think thats a good major.. if you want to become a pa.. but she didnt.. so it was a huge mistake.

anyway, summer ends and we actually have a new roommate moving into our apartment for the next two semesters. we had both agreed to this a year ago, ya know, when we were still friends. the guy that moved in was her boyfriends best friend. yeah. so again, this dude was a total douche as well. sexist, jokes about rape, sexual harassment, bla bla. just a complete idiot like her boyfriend. but whatever, I GIVE EVERYONE CHANCES.

he moves in and it was alright at first. but i noticed my best friend just like wanted nothing to do with me anymore, she was literally up this guys ass all fucking day now. she never had time to chill with me during the day but suddenly she has time for this dude. and this goes back to earlier when i said about her being a different person around her boyfriends friends. she just wanted to fit in so badly and have friends. me and her had also gotten into huge argument before he moved in. she had kind of ditched me on my 21st birthday and lied about it. she said she had an exam for a summer class, then ordered a pizza to our house, and left with it to go to her boyfriends place. whatever. we sorted it out kind of but i was really distant.

so at the end of september we got into another huge argument which was honestly it for me. in early september, my roommates had some people over and let someone sleep in my bed. i am still unsure of what happened or who did it, but when i came back from my boyfriends after that weekend, there was blood on my sheets and brand new white comforter. i asked them if someone was in my bed just because i was so confused and they both lied. i didnt tell them about the blood because i honestly was just afraid to know what happened in my room. i washed my sheets and shit then put two locks on both my doors. i had a backdoor that led onto the porch where mail was delivered. but ya know, if youre gonna leave blood stains on peoples shit, ya cant invite yourself into their room anymore. so the locks were on, i left the next weekend. i got a text sometime saturday from my roommate that was like “if you put locks on the doors you need to give a key to both of us” and i was like nah i dont really want people in my room. basically we went back and forth through text and her argument was that my room cant be locked bc its easy access to the porch for mail or just to hangout (no one hung out on that porch ever btw). but i was just like nah walk around. i got back sunday and locks on my doors were removed. there was damage to the windows and doors from them breaking in. 

keep in mind, i had been very nice to this girl considering all of the dumb shit shes said and done to me so far (some of those things are little details i left out but she was basically an asshole to me). unfortunately, i have a temper and when i get pissed off enough, someone is being told. i was so pissed off that she broke in with our other roommate and did something she had no right or reason to do?? why do you need access to my bedroom so badly?? i didnt really care. i went into her room and was like hey, did you go into my room this weekend? and she looked fake confused and said no. and i was like alright well all of the locks are undone and i can see you were in there so why? and she was like no one was in your room but we are allowed to have access to the porch. and i was like no you were in my room, walk around if you want on the porch you never use. and she was like well i had medicine delivered on the porch- AND basically this is when i stopped listening. i remember this conversation because i actually recorded it and made fun of her later with my friends because she tripped and stuttered on her own lies. the argument ended with me lecturing and belittling her for acting like a little kid. we didnt speak after that for a week and a half and she didnt go into my room as far as i know. 

so a week and a half later, the internet bill in my name was due. neither of my roommates paid me on time. they paid in venmo the day it was due or the day after. it honestly started to piss me off bc i was sick of having to ask for it, pay for it myself, and wait for their money to get into my bank account. i put a note on the fridge that was like “pls pay internet or dont use :)”. this was totally passive aggressive and bitchy but c’mon. it was 16 fucking dollars. just pay it on time. i was in lab for  class when i got a bitchy text from my roommate. i honestly dont remember details but it was something “dont act like i dont pay you, no one is trying to scam you, if you dont trust us then address it bla bla” bitch.. you dont pay me on time.. and i did address the issue of you breaking into my room, and i just wrote a note for you to pay the fucking bill you owe? like just pay the money and shut the fuck up? but ya know, i had enough of that shit. i responded to her and told her to pay the bill or dont use it, dont text me again or contact me anymore, i dont want to talk to you or deal with your immature bullshit. blocked. i blocked her number and on all social media. i was done. and if you remember my temper, i wanted to go home and rip into her dumbass. but i didnt.

so that was it. that was the last time i spoke to this girl that was once my best friend. but, we had a lease that wouldnt end until may so i had to stay there. and trust me, i tried to get out of my lease. but the story doesn’t end there.so the guy we lived with, i kept on ok terms with for awhile. i said hi when i saw him and he would always ask me how i was, what i was doing, etc (this is important). and you know, i would be friendly bc i didnt really care about this dude. he was just there to pay rent. one day he announced in the kitchen he was going on a run. he left, and then i heard a buzzing. he left his phone unlocked on the table with our other roommate’s (my ex bff) chat open. i glanced and noticed my name in the text and my heart stopped. i know i shouldnt have done what im about to tell you. it was a total invasion of privacy and it really hurt me to read.

i read their entire conversation as far back as the texts would go. the whole way back to august when he first moved in. EVERY SINGLE TEXT BETWEEN THE TWO WAS ABOUT ME. i cannot emphasize this enough. every single message between these two people from september to october was bitching about me, making fun of my past, making fun of me eating fucking chick fil a once per week, calling my boyfriend a nigger, calling me names, watching what i do and texting each other about it, breaking into my room more to check if i packed my bag to stay at my boyfriends, going through my shit, so much fucking shit it was so fucking crazy. i went through the texts fast and put the phone back. i honestly dont know if it was left there on purpose or not. i never talked to the guy roommate again. when he said hi i said nothing and eventually he stopped. after i read those messages i felt so many things.

i was so fucking pissed that they were talking about me like that. my ex best friend was telling my personal stories about the online dating, she even wished i killed myself. and this dude i barely knew was just going along with it and joining in. it was seriously fucking sick. it was full on stalker. both of them watched everything i fucking did. they went through my things and checked shit not even i would think mattered. it was insane. i was pissed and i honestly felt so violated and unsafe. i felt so helpless too. i couldnt tell them to stop. they wouldnt. i couldnt call the police. it was so indirect and was just texts on someones phone. i felt so horrible i didnt sleep for 2 days. 

there was no more confrontation. the indirect harassment continued into may. i moved out and thought it was over but it wasnt. we went to a relatively small school and a friend told me about this girl in her summer class and asked me if i knew her. when she told me the name of this girl my heart dropped again and instantly i said WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS. and she was just like oh shit.. i could have sworn i heard her say your name to this guy in our class and she was telling him about reporting you to the police. i seriously felt sick. i retraced in my mind quickly for anything she could be going to the police about me for? i literally hadnt talked to the girl or done a thing to her since october, thats the honest truth. and i was just like about what?? i was so eager for this girl to tell me the details it was killing me. basically she told this long story about how the girl has been coming to class every day and talking about her ex roommate. appartently this ex roommate stole her debit card and credit cards and was stealing thousands of dollars from her. on top of that, this ex roommate also sexually harassed her several times. the ex roommate was supposedly me. 

i almost laughed when my friend told me this shit. i felt so much relief because these were just stories my ex friend/roommate were making up for attention. but after a few days of thinking i was like fuck thats kind of psychotic. like thats borderline crazy to be telling people openly that someone sexually harassed you and stole your money when both of those stories are made up... like dude. i did nothing to you but ask for bill money lmao. 

i ran out of time but ill continue this shit later. if u read this fucking novel, congrats