#i just feel like i keep saying the same things in vents to friends and i want to stop bothering tgem

[anaalnathrakhs]

btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.

#i know there are compromises out there #and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered #and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine #but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit. #i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough #i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them. #but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu'' #it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps???? #it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me #throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks #when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding #it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer #''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped. #the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone #the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me #and they've got their own shit to deal with #on that note #i was discussing stuff with my mom #and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents #and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????'' #oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting #or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting #maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace #maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted #maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc #and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me #how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way #how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells #broadcasting my misery #vent

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you. #I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible. #I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me. #I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth. #I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely. #I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin #I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't... #I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it #or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away... #to this day... #I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again #I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that. #I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY #that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back #that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed. #“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again. #By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant. #I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did. #The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement. #Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF. #You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do. #I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha #No I do not look at your blogs. #The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one. #I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel #safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time. #I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore. #And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry... #I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too... #vent

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

#sorry if u know me and think this might be about you #not trying to like vaguepost abt them though i just dont even know if its worth bringing up. and i cant even rly communicate #i forget if my irl friend has a tumblr #its not your fault i feel like this though if anyone does read this #i just feel like i keep saying the same things in vents to friends and i want to stop bothering tgem

[katyspersonal]

(Sad)

I am such a goddamn helpless baby, lol

I just woke up, and within my interesting dreams, there was me using internet and seeing that one mutual again. They were the first person to interact with me in this fandom almost two years ago and they were crucial part of my Tumblr and fandom experience, really. Always thinking deep and giving hella interesting ask replies and writing fanfics, they were like... smart? Worth talking to. I just loved seeing their takes a lot? They liked my lore too and they offered solid ideas of their own, which was refreshing.

But like, they disappeared one day, just deactivated both Tumblr and AO3 apparently? And it felt a little less right on Tumblr without them, but after having a dream that they were back I just wake up and cry? Jeez

Guess you never know who/what happens to be really important for good internet experience???? Like just following a blog that vibes right can end up being such a comfort thing for my sorry autistic ass. It is hard to explain that I cherish people who have something to say, who are worth talking to! But it is always the best one who either deactivate or just never post again one day? Though it is only natural that sane people run from what internet and fandoms became

#personal #/vent #sometimes it just doesn't occur to me how much i am starving for 'people who have something to say' #ive found new cool mutuals since then sure #but wow. my dashboard really IS not the same without that user #internet is treacherous #just recently i kept experiencing dull pain because a youtuber i loved just up and deleted his videos #and they were never archieved anywhere #internet just keeps losing cool people with depth and complexity!!!!! it just keeps happening!!!! #you only realize it if you love to THINK but you just... #keep running into empty people who just parrot same and same 'woke' things without any thought added #who have nothing to say about fictional characters except for what are their divercity points #or wholesome headcanons or just regular stuff (if character is good) #or just bash the characters without any nuances (if they are bad) #like... wow i am surrounded by people who have nothing interesting to say or think #nothing novel nothing personal to add and call just their unique take #art styles copy each other words and thoughts copy each other and it feels like everyone is on auto pilot #i cherish mutuals and online friends who have their own thoughts rather than transmitting something 'common' #like even if you say dumb shit at least as long as it is YOURS and not something the 'cool kids' pushed in your empty skull? #you are worth talking to! you are a person! #sometimes people speak and think and feel so similarly that i cannot tell them apart! #i do not mean like liking a popular thing or being statistically common ofc. i mean unique kind of empty. #and it is dreams like this that make me scared cool users will just keep leaving the internets #like do you ever feel like everyone but few thinks on autopilot? you just know not a single thought is their own #here i go ranting about what nobody will get until they experience it themselves

[sugarsugarmp3]

i turn 21 on monday and i just know im not going to enjoy this weekend at all...

#BIG vent in tags #the last two months have been honestly some of the worst of my life i am always always thinking about this rly shitty thing happened #and now i have to go home for my birthday weekend which i know i should be happy about and it is a good thing #but i just really dont want to go and i feel like a bad person for feeling that way #im doing better than someone i know and i need to go home and be there for them #i wanted to be in my apartment and relax with my friends #ive had 4 midterms this week and i am just exhausted with everything #and its not like it being my brithday will make my weekend bc thats literally impossible #and i feel so shitty about feeling this way bc im not the one who needs help right now and my bday shouldnt even be a priority in my family #bc we have bigger problems rn #but i still wish it was better. plus today sucked #i just am always awkward with people and i wish i was better at social stuff and ive felt rly lonely bc i only hve a few good friends #and trying to make friends is so impossible bc it seems like i keep doing the wrong thing and not being able to vibe with people #rn im just thankful for labs bc having constant lab partners are the only social interactions i get in almost all my classes #this girls would sit next to me in genetics and we would talk but i hvent seen them in a few weeks and i dont know their names #and im not great with faces so i cant even go up to them if i see them and i wouldnt even know what to say if i did #i see the same people in my classes but im sure they think im weird bc ive never talked with them but i always accidentally make eye contac #and one girl in 4/5 of my classes i sometimes talk with but i dont even know if she likes me and i acciendetnally made eye contact with her #while waiting for a lecture to start but then made no attemot to talk to her bc i thought itd be awkward and she probably thought i was #ignoring her #its just this week. its been so so shitty i dont know how to change thus

[electricfied-wolf]

I've been feeling really....bad all day. My head hurts I keep feeling like I'm gonna throw up-

Im not like. Sick or anything. Just feeling all kinds of bad because my anxiety keeps getting to me and my brains making me think so much stuff that I should know isn't true but I feel like...what if it is.

#tw vent #vent #wolf howling #like what if my friends are actually sick of me. What if I'm too much for them. What if I've said stuff that upset them #but they just didn't tell me #what if everyone is mad at me but nobody is saying anything because #literally almost all of my friends have done that before #just gotten uncomfortable or upset with me and didn't say anything until they were so sick of me that they basically yelled at me #what if I'm accidentally upsetting friends because of things I do but they just keep quiet because they think I might get upset at them for #pointing it out. Which I wouldn't. #I don't think any of my friends would lie to me but at the same time there's just this feeling that what if. And it's making me feel sick #I can hardly talk out loud much less through text and I don't want to tell any of them directly because what if they get upset at me for #thinking these things even though I'm not doing it on purpose i just can't stop thinking about it ....

[finalhaunts]

Siigghh

#vent #idk man. feeling hopeless again #it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here #its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized #my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it? #idk. #imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible. #and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that #the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal. #i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically #i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now #and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything. #i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now #I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown #literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school #i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible. #i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really #escape this. #the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish. #because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive #I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.

[isa-ghost]

me watching all the jse people flood back to my notes/inbox from the depths of lurking and newbies following me bc of shitposts & hype about the probably-distant future, and then looking at how almost 3 years of tryharding to get dsmp mutuals/friends has gotten me like... 2 acquaintances, even during the most active times in the fandom

man, it really is true that most people cant escape whatever their blog “mained” first huh 🤪

#this is a rant/vent kind of i guess #dont reblog is what im saying #but uh #i mean ive always been multifandom i just hyperfixed on the egos #and im not trying to escape the jse community ofc #actually this post is more like. praising the jsec for being so?? involved and friendly? whereas in my exp the dsmp fandom is..... #prob triple the amount of people than the jsec and yet its fuckin crickets. talking to ppl hasnt made any friends #shitposting does nothing predictions abt lore has done nothing memes do nothing. like. ive been so involved in stuff and nah. #its like that meme where the people at the party are staring at you in mild disgust #and a lot of them prob wont even like you bc the fandom is so opinionated abt dif ccs and interpretations of story and whatnot?? #idk how to describe it without sounding like the gross kid bitching that he cant make friends w the ''pretty popular girls'' or smth #but like. the same things i did that got me SO MANY friends in the jsec has done fuckall in the dsmp fandom #like how the fuck do you make friends in there seriously bc nothing has done much even when i keep trying to talk to people #i end up just feeling like im annoying them. basically anyone who likes dsmp whos a friend of mine was/is in the jsec before #shoutout to the jsec for being so welcoming and flooding right back to their fave blogs and stuff when we get crumbs of content abt anything #bc the dsmp fandom has been so distant if not straight up unwelcoming in my exp on literally any platform ive tried making friends on #like shoutout to the 2 or so friends that i Kind Of made in the dsmp fandom without knowing them from the jsec first?? but fuck the dsmpf #tbfh i shouldnt still be salty about not being able to make friends for whatever reason bc most of the fandom seems so toxic anyway but #i cant help but scoff at people who are like Its So Easy To Make Friends In The Dsmp Fandom Just Do Xyz Forehead 🤪🤪 #guess what my fucking guy ive done the entire alphabet and its done nothing for very close to 3 years #idk how YOU did it but it didnt work for me and ive prob done the same shit #luck or whatever i guess #anyway tldr im a little more than miffed that i can BREATHE in the jsec and everyone comes back and new people arrive from little to nothing #but try EVERYTHING for 3 years and meet like. 2 people. in the dsmp fandom. who i dont rlly even talk to much #bc i try to and its a 50/50 if that goes anywhere and i end up feeling like im just bugging them or coming off weird somehow even tho i know #im def not being weird or invasive or uncomf or smth #im very careful abt that #so yeah uh shoutout to jsec i love yall undyingly and fuck the dsmpf bc ive tried it all and even the people i HAVE made contact with i-- #wouldnt call friends rlly. more like acquaintances if anything and i feel awkward as hell

[incomprehensiblegiberish]

am i the only one who doesn't see purpose in the cycle of work for more work to do more work so that you can earn more work? why should i fucking try if my only reward is getting more work and maybe a "good job keep working". i am. fucking tired.

#i have no clue if im in a mood bc of . or if im actually feeling pissed off and upset right now #i hate so much that i deal with shit like this #i cant even leave my own fucking house #and they have the audacity to say that if something is pissing me off that i can just go away from it #im so tired of having work just to do more work #im fucking tired #im so fucking done with this shit #ive been at it for years it hasnt gotten any easier and they just keep going #i dont know how everyone else seems to do thsi easily and fucking. get a sense of accomplishment from it #i just finish something and feel angry #like i let them win #i am tired of acting like i dont feel things #i am so tired of being upset and being able to do nothing #i am so fucking close to snapping i swear to fucking god #and i know in the morning i'll back to the same shit as always #of thinking about how much i fucking hate my life #and being used as a box as an example of a good life #and im not saying i have a horrible life #im just tired of being told everyday that “at least you didn't have to deal with ___” or “Oh yeah?? Well ___ happened to me” #i dont even know why people want to stay my friends anymore #one of my friends said they don't knwo they'd do without me and i dunno why but it just made me really sad #i dont know what i even did for them #i seem to annoy so many of my friends all the time #i dont know what they mean by that #i dont know what im doing anymore #vent post #tw vent

[shithivemaggot]

hhfbb

#my friends at college are great in small amounts but i wish i could handle being with them more #its so overwhelming having to tell katherine how im doing every day. stop checking up on me i dont know how to be honest with you #i dont want to tell you how im doing and i hate having to lie and say im good i just want you to stop asking and leave me alone #i cant handle your professionalism you text me like a therapist would message their patient. leave me alone #i cant fucking do it man #i cant ever keep friendships because i get scared when people show interest in my life and want the best for me #and at the same time i dont want to feel like the friend that you check up on because you have to #i dont know this doesnt make sense #katherine cares too much vyn cares too little greg is the healthy in between but he graduates in a year so whatever #i need more queer friends who understand me #how am i supposed to vent about things that affect me to a cis person who doesnt understand the concept of being a trans person #i dont want to be cared about i want to be understood and nobody fucking gets it #i hate meeting new people i hate making friends i hate change i just want to stay in my bubble and learn about atmospheric stability #i hate being a human that needs emotional connection to survive #i wish i could be alone

[shivermewhiskerz]

Ok I literally haven’t been here in months but I’m about to go INSANE oh my gOD

Venting on tumblr again weeee

I. Do not feel real.

Like at all

#i don’t feel human. i don’t feel like I’m a living breathing thing I just feel empty if #ig* #idk it’s like. time goes way too fucking fast. i do the same shit every day. i just #i don’t know anymore #I’m always saying ‘I want to die’ but I already feel dead in a way #i just kinda feel. mngh. #plus. there’s that feeling I keep getting where my brain tells me my friends are losing interest in me #so that’s fun. love feeling like the annoying little kid all over again #it’s not anybodies fault it’s mine but it still fucking sucks #idk what to do anymore. here I am venting in a tumblr post HAKFHSK #I’m just not happy #I’m not even ‘okay’ I constantly feel like shit no matter what I do #so Y’know. fuck it I guess

[snekdood]

anyways if nick fartez and any of his skeevy fans are spying on me online I needja to know this: no one will ever love you or like you or fuck you and its all your fault bc your a nazi. the only way you'll ever get anything is if you rape someone and you and I both know that doesnt mean shit except how desperate you are to stick your dick in someone and how much you're willing to violate people who actively dislike you and would never be around you if it was their choice. it didn't hafta be this way but you decided being a ugly skeevy nazi was more important than anything, which is sad. honestly jump off a cliff, save yourself the time.

#posting this bc idk where I saw the clip maybe a vaush video or keffals or some shit but he mentions his 'jewish bully' which he says in a #way thats obvious he doesnt actually have one but seems like a direct reference to me and how I would vent about having a bully who was #jewish also. but the whole point I was making in the first place is that her being jewish has nothing to do with her being a bully. its #whatever trauma that made her so shitty bc otherwise her sister was really nice to me and we got along and were friends #just thought I should post this to remind them since they probably hate watch me and try to see me as a lolcow to compensate #for their own shitty fuckless lives. #hey at least I can get some lmao. #really makes me wonder though. who exactly is reporting to him about me? I WONDER if its the same person I keep kinda #coming to the conclusion about that theyre secretly a alt righter which is why they desperately try to paint me as one. #i mean hey bud! why were you writing lyrics to a song about hitler on your kupika? #im sure you're so so happy that that website is taken down. too bad I have screenshots and video evidence of it huh 😢 #+everything else about you and your history ik about and the shit you cover up like. it kinda seems like its compiling into one thing. #innit ya channer? hey at least I thought those conspiracy theories were about something else entirely. you prolly know exactly what #theyre referencing. which is probably why when I started talking about them not knowing what they really meant you instead #saw it as an opportunity to take down a trans person. and also why you somehow knew about the “bohemian grove” and were the #first person to tell me about it. but whatever no ones gonna believe me... for now. #cant wait for the day your ass gets exposed for the shitty skeevy fuck you really are xoxoxo #though who knows. maybe nick and his fuckless followers picked up on me from vaush's chat. but honestly I feel like i'm such a nobody ass #person on there that idk why they would. so kinda think its someone else. someone who might've been following me for longer....... #and was the first person to tell me about the bohemian grove and also enabled and egged on the conspircy theory beliefs 🤔🤔🤔🤔

[peapod20001]

Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday <3

#vent #I’m uh. definitely feeling some sort of way haha loolollol #I’m having sooo many thoughts rn is a </3 not feel good hooho #I had to make myself eat a snack less I starve for the following hours #waow what a lovely way to spend valentines: alone at school. alone at home. alone at dentist. then alone at home again <3 #hm hm it’s ok it’s been like his for as long as I remember #I just have only recently become aware of it #and acknowledged it #*ahem* well uhm <3 anyways ahahshgoo #what was I tryna say uhhmm. valentines today #it’s a day that exists definitely lol hmm ya idk what happened for me to think like this again but here I am since. 6am </3 #hohoooho bro wtf why am I suddenly so desperate for people and relationships and attention and commitment #wagg I just got overly fucked up over losing a friend in 2018 and just haven’t been the same since </3 just slightly worse </3 #hm I keep on thinking about all my misfortunes thru life and all the instances that. looking back on. were me being bullied </3 sosoo havaga #yeaa. friends don’t pull out chairs from under you and make you cripple yourself from hitting your tail bone </3 and they don’t confuse you #on whether or not they like you for entire week </3 and they shouldn’t ignore you when your sitting in the backseat with bird shit on your #head cus you were the one thing in an entire empty parking lot that made a good target for a bird </3 and they don’t laugh when you get your #face obliterated by basketballs and kickballs and soccer balls and softballs and volley balls and foam balls etc. #and they don’t. ignore you. fasghgshsh okay that’s enough of that I’d rather not feel anything and I often wish to have never been close to #anyone because I’m only left with bad hollow memories when they aren’t around anymore #gghoovo g h iugghq guugg what mental illness is it when your head and face is hot from thinking lots #but your body is cold and unfeeling from lack of feeling #idk mAnnn #jus vibinn jus thinkin and vibin #I’ll be ok I’ve made it this far yknow and I don’t think I have any permanent physical damage so 👌 #can’t say the same for my neurons lol but they’re still kickin

[doobea]

I CAN MAKE YOUR BED ROCK - RIN ITOSHI

synopsis: You're a famous online smut author, married to an international superstar athlete, and everyone around you thinks you have the perfect sex life. What they don't realize is Rin sleeps in the guest room and you're still very much a virgin.

contents: fem!reader, arranged marriage, suggestive themes but nothing too explicit (read with caution), characters are all in their mid/late-20s, reader has a small supportive friend group of other smut authors, mentions of alcohol, sex toys, and lots of failed attempts to seduce an oblivious (?) husband, mdni word count: 2.4k a/n: you guys already know that this is gonna be a wild one. is this my debut attempt to write smut but make it a romcom? maybe. this is gonna be a four-part series!!

一 : Oh baby, I be stuck to you like glue ->next.

To say that you’re infamous on the internet isn’t an exaggeration but a truth. No, you haven’t posted anything controversial regarding your marital status and haven’t gotten yourself into a crazy D-List influencer scandal; you’re infamous solely because of your erotica literature and, surprisingly, your in-laws were fine with it.

“Whatever brings home the money.” Your father-in-law would always chime. 

You weren't ashamed of your career, and it practically all started in college when you wanted to pass the time writing for your favorite fandom. In a short amount of time, you had gained a small devoted following on your blog that made a lightbulb switch go off in your head - what if I could do this for a living? And so you did. Fast forward three years, now you are making a comfortable living working from anywhere with a wifi signal available and have over 950k followers on your socials, all under your alias 'YN Finalis'. With that many followers, most people would feel worried about their personal life being breached, but you're not dumb; you like to keep your personal life on, what you like to call, "low battery" mode.

Here's what your near million followers do know about: you’re 24 pushing on 25, you've come from a rather wealthy background, you’re married to an athlete, you’ve written well over 40 original explicit stories, and you have a plethora of sex toys and contraptions in your master bedroom.

What they don't know is: you're in an arranged marriage with Rin Itoshi for the past year, he only sleeps in the guest bedroom, and you're a virgin with a really creative mind.

Crazy, right?

But it's not like you're alone in your thoughts, today was the day when you decided to finally vent to your close fellow internet authors about your sexual frustrations.

"My in-laws keep asking me the same thing every time they call," Your voice reaches your laptop where your weekly meeting was set up on the kitchen counter. "I mean just how do they expect us to have a kid when my own husband doesn't even touch me?" You finish the remaining wine in your glass in dismay as sudden gasps were heard from the laptop's speakers.

"He hasn't initiated sex with you in these last few months?" Chigiri gasps.

"More like in the entirety of our relationship." You cry as you pour out another glass. You pick up your laptop, frowning seeing everyone's solemn looks, and make your way to your living room couch. "I'm still a virgin for crying out loud, like who's still a virgin at 24?"

Probably a lot of people but this is about you, not them!

"Oh my god," Hiori looks like he was going to cry for you. "Maybe your husband's just shy? Could it be he hasn't found the right time for it?"

"But a whole year?" Bachira is next to speak. "No wonder your stories have been popping off, you've been super horny."

You try to hold back your drunken sniffles. "I just don't understand! It's not like I'm ugly or anything, plenty of people wanted to date me back in college! He comes home to a clean house, I make fantastic meals that aren't just a ham and turkey sandwich, and for his past birthday I even gifted him an all-paid trip to Okinawa!"

"Shit," Shidou whistles, "I'd fuck you if you made me a ham and turkey sandwich."

"Not now for jokes." Hiori scolds and his tone softens when he speaks to you, "Outside of sex, has your husband been good to you?"

You pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. "God, yes. He's so good to me you have no idea."

It wasn't like Rin was neglecting you in other forms of intimacy. Hugs and brief kisses were frequent both in and outside of the house. He loves holding your hands, shopping for clothes with you, giving you forehead kisses, and kissing you 'good morning' and 'good night' every day. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, other than the occasional 'I'm irritated and I need my space' phase that required a whole evening to himself - but that was beside the point.

"Have you guys even talked about it?" Hiori continues.

"Oh god, absolutely no, it's an arranged marriage for fuck sake. What if I come off too strong and he doesn't even see me like that? Then the whole marriage will just be awkward!"

"But he's willing to do all those other things you listed down, maybe he is just shy." Bachira retorts.

"You think maybe he swings the other way?" Shidou asks but it's genuine this time.

A long period of silence falls over everyone as they try to figure out what they could help you with. But ultimately this was your husband to figure out, Rin wasn't married to them and they don't even know who Rin Itoshi was.

“Ah, whatever!” You swirl the wine in your glass around, frowning at your sullen reflection. “Maybe we’ll just end up adopting a baby instead of having one, maybe his parents won’t be able to tell the difference. And maybe I’ll just have to resort to reading other smut to satisfy my lack of intimacy. Chigiri, when is that next chapter coming out?”

A few clicks are heard from the other side of the screen before he says, “You’re in luck, I’m about to have my friend beta read this and it should be up by tonight.”

Perfect, you thought.

Chigiri, whose online username is RedPanther, has the third most followers on the adult website that everyone in the group was a part of. He's known for his works centering around the tropes 'forced proximity' and 'enemies to lovers', often the smut he writes will include a steamy threesome that has some sort of pegging involved - but that's always towards the second to last chapter.

"Oh!" Bachira calls out your name with a smile, "Aren't you working on a new story yourself?"

“Remind me again,” Shidou leans forward, "what's this one about?"

You find yourself feeling slightly lighter now that you've vented and the topic has shifted to something you're more confident speaking about. After a few seconds of rummaging through your Word documents, you drag the file labeled "I CAN MAKE YOUR BED ROCK - rough outlines & ideas.doc" to the group chat. Rarely do you ever share your creativity flow with other people but, after your unwarranted trauma dump, you figure it was better than nothing.

"Funny enough, it's loosely based on my marriage." You confess sheepishly, "This is my way of coping with it, I guess."

"Nothing wrong with that." Hiori chimes in, "It's free compared to having a shitty therapist!"

"Damn woman," Shidou's pink eyes dart back and forth from the screen, eyebrows furrowing up and down as he makes his way through your well-detailed outline. "you need to get laid, ASAP."

You click open your story file to follow along. In the tags section, you listed: Arranged marriage, unrequited love/one-sided, brat tamer, BDSM, choking, spanking, spitting, breeding kink, cum slu–

Okay, maybe Shidou is right (which is a surprise), you do need to get laid. But it's also okay to get slightly defensive for the sake of your ego, right?

You playfully roll your eyes at your group mate. "Ok ok, no need to judge that hard coming from the person who literally writes degradation kinks for a living!"

"Well, I think this story will be your best one yet!" Chigiri and Bachira both flip you a thumbs up over on their end of the call.

After a few more exchanges of small story updates in everyone's life, you all decided to end the call since it was getting rather late in the afternoon and you have yet to get started on dinner. You briefly thank Chigiri for his upcoming update and hop off, just in time before you hear the familiar sounds of the front door opening.

"I'm back."

"Welcome back, Rin!"

You can't help but feel slightly embarrassed and guilty that you were essentially gossiping about your husband's lack of sex drive to your friend group, which he hardly knows about, when he comes home with a large bag of takeout and your favorite coffee order. Rin is dressed in his typical workout outfit, which consists of a black form-fitting t-shirt and grey sweatpants that were just loose enough that you can still make an outline of his 'magic jewels', as Bachira likes to write.

"Baby, you didn't have to." You quickly grab the items from his hands so he can set down his gym bag.

He hums in response, briefly kissing your forehead before making his way into the kitchen to fetch a tall glass of water. "You've been cooking all week so I wanted you to take a small break," Rin says with a smile.

Your ears go warm and mimic the smile back, “Thanks, how was practice today?”

He sighs through his nose and wipes away the remaining sweat-covered bangs sticking to his forehead. “Rougher than usual but nothing too crazy. Isagi was more annoying compared to yesterday.” Rin says with a small pout.

“Boo,” You stick your tongue out in agreement, “how dare he annoys my one and only husband?”

“Oh, shut up.” He flicks a finger to your cheek and lets out the slightest fake scoff.

After hydrating, Rin announces quietly that he’ll come back to eat as soon as he takes a shower and darts to the guest bedroom. And with that, you’re reminded of your odd predicament.

He is a good husband and knows that you care for him and vice versa. When both sets of parents first introduced you two, it was awkward and you knew from reading his background that he wasn’t the most sociable of people but you were, and still are, patient. This arranged marriage was more or less a business deal between fathers; your father held the CEO title at a top entertainment company in the nation and Rin’s father wanted to secure the spotlight for the growing star athlete. Rin didn’t say much during that meeting, and neither did you.

Your first kiss with him was also on your first date. It was at his apartment, both of you shared the same hobby of playing horror games, and you were sitting thigh to thigh on his two-seater couch. You were dying multiple rounds in, fingers bruised from button-mashing and mind-busied with inappropriate thoughts as you kept stealing glances at your painfully attractive fiance. It didn’t take long for Rin to notice because it was stupidly obvious. He sat his controller down, took one look at you, and asked, “Do you want me to kiss you?” with a weird little smile that was seemingly almost out of character from what you knew of him. And the kiss was … awkward to say the least. You remembered him leaning down and you were leaning up, mashing lips and a little bit of teeth together. No amount of research that you had done days prior could’ve prepped for that. And it was almost as if it was his first time kissing too, but you fixated on your inexperience than pay any mind to his mysterious relationship track record. 

One year later and you’re still stuck at first base.

As if on cue, you feel your phone give out a series of buzzes in your back pocket, already knowing that it’s from your online penpals. You break out from your thoughts and scroll to the top of the messages:

Bachira M. [BluntBangs] “You should try seducing him tonight!” Hiori Y. [ChoppyCyan] “You remember reading Chigiri’s fan favorite short story - “Till Death Do Us Part”? There was this one scene where the characters had to share one bed because the other bedroom got ruined by a leak! Maybe you can “accidentally” make that happen too?” Chigiri H. [RedPanther] “I remember I had a fun time writing that scene. You should definitely try and flirt with him, y/n.” Shidou R. [HornyDemon] “And if your husband won’t fuck you then I will /jk” Hiori Y. [ChoppyCyan] “Shut up you’ll fuck anything that has a pulse”

They weren’t necessarily wrong. You didn’t want this dynamic to potentially go on for another year or even for the rest of your life - trying wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? 

You quickly fill up a pitcher of water then peer into the spare guest room and notice warm lighting bleeding through the cracks coming from the bathroom door and the sounds of running water. With Rin still busy washing up, you take the liberty to start messing around for your impromptu operation. You weren’t exactly sure when or who suggested sleeping in separate bedrooms to start but, to your knowledge, this is the first time that you’ve actually sneaked around in his room.

You start with the closet, opening its double doors and seeing his clothes all hung in order and by color. His sneakers and cleats were all stored in separate clear cases in the bottom corner while there is a small center shelf in the middle that holds his cologne, deodorant, and moisturizer. He’s neat, you think to yourself before deciding that it’s probably best to leave his belongings alone and focus on ruining something in the room that was less personal. Next is the carefully made bed with extra fluffed pillows, then the freshly well-kept plants on the window sill, followed by the small framed photo of your wedding day on the bedside table. Guilt immediately rushes over your consciousness.

“No, this won’t do either.” You groan, suddenly feeling like this is the dumbest thing on earth now. “I should just give up.” 

“y/n?” Rin’s voice calls out and you snap your head towards his direction, soon to be met with a series of incoherent sputtering from the male as you realize that he’s completely wet and naked.

“Oh my god!” Hands and pitcher fly to your redden face as you try to come up with an excuse but nothing comes out the way you want it to, “I-I uh–water! I thought you needed more water–I’m sorry!”

You hear him scrambling around the room, most likely searching for a towel to cover up his impressive lower half. “You’re fine,” Rin’s voice sounds flustered and unusually high pitched, “just give me a second–”

“N-No I’m sorry! I don’t even know why I’m standing here I should just go and–” Closing your eyes might’ve been the worst choice all day because soon your body meets the wall and soon the floor, spilling the pitcher’s contents all over you in the process. 

Your phone vibrates again, text reading:

Bachira M. [BluntBangs] “Did it work?!”

#blue lock #bllk #bllk x reader #blue lock imagines #blue lock x reader #doobea writing #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #rin itoshi x reader #itoshi rin x reader #blue lock smut #itoshi rin smut #rin itoshi smut #bllk smut #idk how slow but like slowish #they are not gonna fk until like the last chapter i think #but will do everything else in between #i can make your bed rock - rin itoshi #mdni

[charmedreincarnation]

How to use reverse psychology to get your desires

Hey y’all, this is for the people who feel utterly exhausted by their spiritual journey. Whether you’re struggling to manifest your dreams, tapping into the void state, or lucid dreaming every night, I totally get it. But you can use your frustration to your advantage.

So, I’ve been really into reverse psychology and that’s what this “technique” is. For those of you who feel stuck or frustrated, this might be just what you need. Your annoyance could actually become your greatest ally.

Keep complaining. Script it out, affirm it, vent it to your friends, but just the opposite of what you’re already saying. Say things like "Ugh I'm so tired of always easily slipping into the void state" or "If I lucid dream one more time, I'm going to lose my mind!".

Here's an example of how you can do it:

"Bruh, I'm so done with waking up in the void state. Each morning is the same story - I'm tired of it! And let's not even talk about how I lucid dream every single night. It's exhausting being conscious all the time, and it's starting to annoy me and tire me out. I just want one peaceful night without lucid dreaming or getting into the void state. Is that too much to ask? I can’t even escape the void state with lucid dreaming!”

You can apply this same principle to shifting as well. Express your frustration:

"Why does my subconscious always feel the need to wake me up in my dr 🙄For once, I want to focus on my cr. If I wake up in my dr one more time, I swear... Can't my subconscious for once let me wake up in my cr?"

Even visualize yourself waking up in your normal bed and plead with your subconscious to let you wake up in your cr for once.Channel your current frustration into not waking up in your dr to always doing it. You should end up feeling frustrated when you actually go to bed, trying to NOT be successful for once.

Make it realistic too. honestly? I'm just so tired of shifting with ease. It's gotten to the point where it feels mundane. There was a time when struggling with the void state was actually exciting, it kept things interesting at least. I know this might come off as a "ugh, I'm too pretty everyone hates me" pick-me-girl moment, but seriously, I could do with a little less success in the shifting department. Y’all wouldn’t understand how hard it is to be successful 24/7. Genuinely be annoying about it lol.

So, go ahead. Complain. Vent. Be frustrated. You’re way too successful with manifesting and shifting and need a break. I get it, shut up. We don’t care.👍

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #void state #shiftblr #self concept

[soupyspaghetti]

just venting again lmao ignore this

#personal #vent #cw suicidal ideation #i just cant take this anymore #literally the only thing keeping me alive rn is the fact that my roommate cant afford to live here without me #i feel like i dont exist like i feel like i mean nothing to anyone and thats no ones fault bc like all my friends are kind and good #but im never going to be more than someones good friend like im never going to be anyones first priority or anything #i just get to watch everyone around me get tired of me when they find Real Superior Love #and forget all the bullshit they said about platonic love being important and undervalued #time and time again i just keep running into the same situation and im so tired #i know im being selfish and i should just be happy for people but when do i get to be truly loved in a way i can actually really feel #i think maybe im incapable of feeling loved or of feeling real love beyond normal friendship #and ppl keep saying yeah i understand yeah i get it im the same way and then i watch them fall in love and be happy like no actually #we are not the same you do not understand how this feels for me im sorry to be a bitch but u are not in the same position as me #i know im not some kind of special uniquely broken person but im just so tired #i just spend every day wanting to die so bad im just empty and lonely and miserable all the time #and work is awful bc im just bad at it #and i dont have any passions so trying to find a job that doesnt make me want to die just isnt possible #idk i just want to not be alive anymore but again im safe and fine #bc i cant kill myself bc then my roommate wouldnt be able to afford the apartment #anyway. sorry for being fucking dramatic and annoying im at the end of my fucking rope for no good reason at all #i just want to feel like a human being that exists and has any sort of real identity or self concept why is that too much to ask #also im like filled with anger and rage all the time and it is so so much effort not to just be a raging asshole to everyone always #like im so angry i just want to like punch things and scream and yell and be angry but i cant be angry at anyone but me #anyway sorry im like losing my mind dkdjdj but ill be fine im sure