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cyberphuck · 1 year

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ASSASSIN’S APPRENTICE ABRIDGED: PART FOUR

My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about the Farseer Trilogy, but doesn’t want to have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them!

EDIT: Halfway through Jhaampe I start calling “The Big Turnip” the “Big Onion” instead and I can’t be arsed to fix it.

Read Previous Entries!

Alright Bastards and Old Bloods, this is it: the final entry and JUMBO-LENGTH conclusion to Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged!

- Excerpt from Chade Fallstar's private writings, Grune 28th, 1497:

Dear Diary, the other day we caught a little zombie-Forged girl and I've been keeping her in a jar with a stick and a leaf. If I shake the jar, she talks. She knows who she is and who her family is, and she also knows a lot of swear words. I gave her some bread when she wasn't hungry and she said "shove it up your ugly ass." I tried to teach her a trick and she bit me. I decided to send her to live on a farm upstate along with Chivalry and Prince Regal's mom.

Love, Chadey.

While Chade has been playing Jane Goodall with Forged people, Fitz has been very busy being an alcoholic. One evening, Chade calls Fitz up into his wall-hole and says "It's time for you to stop being a drunk and for the readers to remember who Prince Verity is."

"Why is there a hay bale in the corner of your--"

"Prince Verity is Chivalry's younger brother and currently King-in-Waiting for the throne," the Fool says, lounging underneath the hay bale. "That makes Prince Regal next in line after Verity. Just so you know."

"Right," Chade nods. "Fitz, your job from now on is to hang out with Verity in his Fortress of Solitude and do whatever he wants you to do."

"I'm fourteen," Fitz says.

"Don't argue with me, boy, I've got a wedding to plan. By the way, did you ever figure out who tried to kill Burrich?"

Fitz shrugs. "I figured somebody tried to kill him because he's Burrich."

"Ah yes, the age-old solution of 'things just happen, what the hell," Chade rolls his eyes. "Well, go on, shoo. Go bother Verity."

Sighing, Fitz climbs thirty-nine flights of stairs to where Verity is sitting in his empty tower room and staring out the window. "Breakfast, your highness," Fitz announces.

"Ew," Verity moans.

"There's also a cup of tea with enough caffeine in it to kill some sort of very big gray trumpet animal," Fitz offers.

"Yeah, okay, I'll take that."

"So, uh," Fitz says, standing there awkwardly as Verity drinks an amount of stimulant that should make his heart explode, "watcha doin up here?"

"Defending the kingdom."

Fitz looks out the window at the ocean. He looks back at Verity. "Like... with a gun?"

Verity smiles softly. "Oh, you're stupid. I like that in a person I'm going to use as a tool for the rest of my life."

"I like you, too," Fitz says, tail wagging.

"I'm using the Skill to confuse the Vikings so they won't raid our shit and turn our people into zombies," Verity explains. "I'd ask Galen's Skill students to help but they're pretty useless. Hey, didn't Galen teach YOU how to Skill?"

"Oh, he tried but I'm bad at it, it's because I'm a basta-- HHHHGGGHHGHGHHGHHHHHH KEPPET.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO GHHHGH TROJAN DETECTED TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT GHHGGHHHH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CLICK HERE TO CHAT GHHGHGGGHHHHHH"

"Huh," Verity says after thoroughly mentally assaulting Fitz without warning or permission. "Looks like someone used the Skill to convince you you were bad at Skilling. That’s just one of the many things the Skill can do that I will reveal to you whenever I feel like it, which will usually be AFTER you need to know.”

"I think I need an adult," Fitz whimpers from the floor.

Verity chuckles fondly. "I am an adult. Too bad I don't really have time to teach you to Skill properly. That probably won't come back to bite us. Run along now, stop crying. Oh, and see if Chade can get you to murder that gross noble two counties over."

A few weeks later, at breakfast, Fitz tries to eat Coco Puffs as quietly as possible while Verity and Shrewd argue.

"I don't WANT to get married," Verity says for the eighteenth time. "I've gotta keep sitting in the Martyr Tower and keeping Vikings from attacking us!"

"Well guess what, bucko, I'm your father AND your king and if I say you're getting married then you fucking are!" Shrewd rage-butters a scone. "And I swear to Eda if you pull a Malicious Compliance like your older brother and marry the absolute worst candidate for queen you can find then I'll look the other way when YOU'RE assassinated too!"

Fitz slowly reaches for the cereal box, eyes wide.

"It'll be good for morale, Verity," Shrewd goes on. "Everybody'll be like, 'oh, if the Prince is getting married and pumping babies into some foreign woman then being murdered by Vikings really isn't that bad!'"

"And who did Regal choose for me to be married to?" Verity asks.

Shrewd looks at the smudged writing on his hand. "The Kraken," he announces.

"You mean Kettricken?" Verity says. "The mountain princess? I'm like twice her age. And I don't have time to go to the mountains to grab her, Vikings will totally Vike you all while I'm gone!"

"Well SOMEBODY'S gotta go up there and grab her," Shrewd insists.

"Figure it out," Verity snaps as he storms out of the room. "And by the way, Fitz has been sitting there eating six bowls of sugar cereal because he has no adult supervision!"

He slams the door.

"Hi Grandpa Shrewd," Fitz says into the silence.

"Hello, Lil Accident. Just so you know, Kettricken is only second in line to the mountain throne. First is her brother Rurisk, who took an arrow to the chest a couple years back and now is about to die from Being Poisoned to Get Him Out of the Way."

"Yes Grandpa Shrewd.”

Chade Spidermans down from the ceiling. "You're sending him and not me? Why?"

"Plot reasons," Shrewd says, taking the cereal box away from Fitz.

"Oh boy," Fitz says, jumping up. "I'm gonna go tell my friend the Fool!"

The Fool's not in his room, but a bunch of other cool stuff is: every Lego set from 1973 onward, a bunch of those neon-colored ponchos from the 90's, Sudoku puzzles completed in ballpoint pen, and A BABY????

Oh wait, that's a doll. Looks like a baby though. Weird.

Next Fitz goes to visit Patience. Patience is sifting through an old jewelry box; she sits Fitz down so she can hold different things up to him and see how they look.

"Hmm. No, too subtle... this one's too gaudy. Ah, yes, this one." Patience pulls out a black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "Yes, this is perfect. Put it on, Fitz."

It's eventually decided that since Verity can't go to the mountains, Regal is going to be a stand-in at the wedding and then they'll have another wedding later when the Kraken comes down to Buckkeep. Fitz is loading up the horse-van for the journey when the Fool cartwheels up to him.

"I have something for you," the Fool jingles.

"I didn't go in your room and touch your doll or accidentally drop your seven thousand five hundred and forty one piece Millenium Falcon Lego set," Fitz blurts.

"Take this Pepto Bismol," the Fool says, "and don't eat anything weird in the mountains."

"Don't worry about me, Fool," Fitz laughs. "I'm sure nothing bad'll happen."

Fitz goes on a road trip. August, Fitz's cousin and current member of the Skill Gang, is going with them to help Verity Skill-connect to the wedding when it's time. Hands the stableboy is also there, which is nice, because they're taking the I-5 to Jhaampe, the mountain capital, and there's not a lot to look at on the way. They travel through a lot of places that Fitz is just going to have to travel through again in two books while being chased by Regal, so all he really notices is that there's a shitton of grass, a bigass lake, and only one set of hot girls who want to give him and hands their first sexual experience (the girls' mom shows up and hits them with a sandal until they go home).

The wedding party climbs into the foothills of the mountain kingdom, and there waiting for them are... the Vikings?

Okay, so the group of seafaring raiders that I've been referring to as "The Vikings" are culturally sort of more like Mongol raiders. It's not really a one-to-one comparison but the important point here is that the mountain people are what we in the real world would typically imagine Vikings to be, except that here in the Six Duchies the Vikings are the Vikings and the mountain people only LOOK like Vikings, Fitz is Simba, Regal is Scar and I think the Fool is Horatio.

Are we clear? Alright moving on.

Fitz and co. are greeted by a welcoming party of mountain people, who are tall and pale and blond. They're super friendly and cheerful, singing the Songs of Their People and totally confusing Hands, who doesn't speak Mountain. Fitz doesn't speak Mountain either, probably. Maybe.

They arrive in Jhaampe, where the buildings look like if you cut off the tops of the towers in Red Square or planted a bunch of turnips upside down. A second welcoming party pops up, and when August and his cronies complain that their feet are tired and they don't feel like walking anymore, the mountain peeps carry them into the city on planks. Fitz is extremely embarrassed by this and is trying not to cringe all the way down into his tights.

To seem less like a lazy dick who makes strangers carry him places for no reason, Fitz strikes up a conversation with one of the old ladies carrying his plank. Her name is Jonqui and she knows a lot about the city, and slows the plank down so she can point out interesting landmarks and gardens.

"Pull-Out Fail speaks good Mountain," she remarks, grinning. "Maybe he learned as a tadpole?"

"I'm just super good with languages I probably grew up speaking," Fitz shrugs.

They arrive at the biggest turnip, which serves as Jhaampe's royal palace. Jonqui escorts Fitz inside and he finds that it's not really a palace, it's more like a tent made out of a tree, with a lot of open space in the middle, and there's not a whole lot of private spaces that he might use to murder their prince.

Whatever, he'll figure it out.

"Come, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says, herding Fitz to a center stage. "We will watch our Shift Manager present his Shift Manager to be your Shift Manager."

"Shift Manager?"

"Yes, that is what we call our royalty. When someone comes to demand to speak to the person in charge, the Shift Manager is the one we have chosen to throw under the bus," Jonqui explains. "It is a very important duty."

Besides King Eyod, who is an old person, there are two random mountain folk in white dresses. Fitz eyeballs them and wonders where the rest of the royal family is. "The girl one," Jonqui says, elbowing Fitz, "she is my niece."

"Neat," Fitz yawns, still looking around for someone wearing a crown. "That other guy looks like He-Man."

"Yes, he is my nephew."

Gifts are exchanged.

"This isn't going to be like that one scene in Midsommar, is it?" Fitz asks warily. "You're not going to like, set these people on fire?"

"This," King Eyod announces, taking He-Man by the shoulder, "is my son, Shift Manager Rurisk, first in line to the throne of the mountain kingdom. And here is Shift Manager Kettricken, who shall marry the Shift Manager of the Six Duchies and become their General Manager, She Who Sets the Schedule."

There is general oohing and ahhing and applause. Fitz realizes he's been chatting boredly with the King's sister this entire time. Why hadn't Regal sent any kind of message to the wedding party ahead of time to warn them that the mountain people liked to play Undercover Boss? No, Regal had just texted to remind them to bring his Gucci underwear, the dick.

Jonqui drags Fitz over to meet Kettricken and Rurisk. "Kids, this is Pull-Out Fail Farseer," she says. "Now you go run along and play, and be back when the streetlights come on."

"Yes, in our language we call him 'The Bastard' because he sucks," August chimes in helpfully. Rurisk glares at him.

"Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "I knew your father. And I spoke with him, on the day that he'd learned that he'd knocked up one of our people. He was a good man."

"This joke is getting kind of old," Fitz says. "Listen, my name is Fitzchivalry--"

"Oh, Fitzchivalry Farseer?" Kettricken brightens. "You poison people, right? Regal told me all about you and how you run around with Lady Thyme murdering people in the Six Duchies. It's so good to finally meet you!"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Fitz replies articulately.

"Come on," Kettricken says excitedly, "let's go to the herb garden. I heard you like herbs."

On the way out to the herb garden, Fitz forgets that Kettricken knows he's an assassin and notices she has boobs, because he's fourteen. Together they get enthused about plants and shit, and they take a stroll around the herbs.

"Taste this one, it's really weird," Kettricken says. "... What's that thudding noise? With a jingle? It sounds like someone's court jester is banging their head against a wall."

"I hear that a lot," Fitz shrugs. "I usually just ignore it. You said to eat this plant I've never heard of? Mm, spicy!"

"So," Kettricken asks as she stops a speeding train with one muscular arm, "what's my future husband like? Shift Manager Regal told me that he's really old and nasty and that he just sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day."

"He's thirty two," Fitz tells her, mentally adding a dick to the big ol' bag that he wishes Regal would eat. "Verity is super nice, and funny, and he has fun hobbies and he likes animals. He's really handsome, too, he has gorgeous black hair and shining eyes and big broad shoulders and a really nice ass--"

"So Shift Manager Regal lied to me." Kettricken frowns, biting her lip. "Does he lie about a lot of things?"

"They hang people in my country for having an opinion on that," Fitz says.

"Regal was six Jagerbombs deep one night and told me all about how you loved sneaking around and killing people," Kettricken confesses. "He said that if you showed up with the wedding party, it meant that you were here to poison my brother to get him out of the way and make me the heir to the mountains."

"What haha that's weird what a weird thing to say haha," Fitz stammers, foaming at the mouth.

Rurisk and Jonqui come running down the path to fetch Kettricken, telling her that there's a thing at the thing she has to do, remember that thing? And Fitz smiles and waves bye to them and then walks happily back to his room in the tree-palace and starts frantically digging through his stuff for the Pepto Bismol the Fool gave him.

Rurisk bursts into the room at five the next morning, waving a bottle of Mountain Bismol. "Pull-Out Fail, are you still alive?!"

"I wish I wasn't," Fitz moans, face pressed against the rug. "Get away from me with that."

"He's not dead, no thanks to you," Rurisk says, glaring at Kettricken as she peeks into the doorway wearing footie pajamas. "Go get us some breakfast, and don't fucking poison it!"

Fitz tries to stand up and faceplants on the bed. "Stop making the floor move."

"Someone told Kettricken you were here to kill me," Rurisk explains. "I told her not to worry about it, but she thought it'd be a good idea to trick you into eating what we call Fentanyl Flowers and then not tell me about it until fifteen minutes ago."

Kettricken comes back into the room with donuts and coffee. Rurisk breaks a donut into three pieces, giving each of them a piece. "And if this is poisoned, you've killed us all," he warns.

"Oh my god, that was one time," Kettricken whines.

"Listen, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says earnestly. "My little dinky mountain kingdom needs the space for farmland down on your big prairies. We need cool stuff from the town that the Liveship Traders books take place in. We need a beach for our college students to go to on Spring Break. So I'm willing to give you ethically sourced furs, good lumber for warships, and my hot little sister as trade."

Fitz pauses with a donut halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean, 'ethically sourced furs'?"

"We shave bears. It's not important right now. What is important is that you don't have to kill me to get me out of the way, because I'm on YOUR side. Do you get me?"

"I get you," Fitz nods.

"Good. Now I'm going the fuck back to bed. Kettricken, don't poison anybody on the way back to your room."

"If you don't stop I'm gonna tell DAD--"

Fitz lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and wonders if communism should be a thing. Then he thinks, no, having a monarchy is definitely a good idea. What could go wrong with having a ruling class of divine-right royalty who are constantly murdering each other for the throne? And surely there's no drawback to having a Prince that's an evil little shit who commits crimes against humanity with no fear of punishment or reprisal.

Yeah. Kings are the best.

The next day Rurisk invites Fitz out to the dog kennels. Fitz loves dogs! Then they turn a corner to find a very old hound dog whose jowls, ears, belly and tail are all dragging on the ground as he waddles up to them, and the music swells as Fitz cries "Nosy!!" and kneels down to hug him.

"That's my loyal old hound dog," Rurisk says. "Burrich the stablemaster sent him to me in a little basket with a bow on it years ago."

"I had a socially unnacceptable soul-bond with this dog," Fitz explains.

"Gross," Rurisk smiles. "Anyway, I gotta go do Prince stuff. Smell you later."

Fitz immediately goes to find Burrich, who is in the Big Turnip presenting a horse to Kettricken as a wedding present. Cob--

Wait, there's a note here. It says, "Cob is the stable boy that Fitz and Nosy met when they first came to Buckkeep." There's a piece of straw taped to it.

Cob is there too, and he makes sure to give Fitz the middle finger as he approaches.

"Burrich, I need to talk to you," Fitz says. "I just found out you didn't kill Nosy when I was little."

Burrich stops what he's doing and turns slowly to stare at him. "I'm sorry, you thought I killed a puppy? Jesus, no wonder you were so twitchy as a kid."

"But you didn't kill a puppy," Fitz says. "And we can still be friends."

"You thought I was a monster who would [BUILD A ROCKET SHIP SO THAT AN ANIMAL COULD RETURN TO ITS HOME PLANET] if I'd found out you'd bonded with it, but you turned around and bonded with another fucking puppy," Burrich growls. "Which I told you is nasty, so no, we can't be friends."

Fitz drags himself sadly back to the Big Turnip.

That night, Fitz is getting ready for bed when Regal's servant turns up at his door. "Hey fuckwad, Prince Regal wants to talk to you," he says, and drags Fitz by the wrist up to Regal's royal Regal room.

Regal is chilling in his chambers doing epic bong rips out of the skull of a dead orphan, like not a dirty street urchin, but specifically an adorable little ragamuffin with soot on their little tophat that flew off comically when Regal took them out from five hundred yards away with a sniper rifle. "What's up, DICKchivalry," he sneers, then high-fives one of his minions.

"Hi," Fitz says, forcing a smile.

"Have you gotten around to murdering Prince Rurisk yet?" Regal coughs.

"Uh."

"Uh," Regal says mockingly. "God, you're stupid. Isn't he stupid, minion who has no business hearing any of this?"

"Absolutely idiotic, my Prince."

"Prince Rurisk said he's on our side," Fitz says, "and that he wants us to have the lumber we need and his sister and everything. I figured maybe it'd be better to like, not kill him."

"Alright, since you're too dumb to plan an assassination, I'll figure it out for you," Regal says as his minion loads another bowl. "I want him graveyard dead before the wedding so he doesn't stand next to me and make me look short. Now fuck off."

Fitz fucks off with many a backward glance, wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do now. There's no signal in the mountains so he can't send a message to Chade or King Shrewd to tell him that Rurisk is cool actually, and even though Regal sucks, like, REALLY sucks, he IS a Prince and Fitz is a tool of the Crown so he does technically have to follow orders.

What the fuck is Regal's problem? Fitz thinks while brushing his teeth the next morning. Why did he tell Kettricken that I'm an assassin? Why does he want Rurisk dead so bad when Ru-Dawg is on our side? Gosh, I wish I could talk to Chade or Verity or Grandpa Shrewd or literally anyone, but they're so far away, and--

Oh right, the Skill.

"AUGUST," Fitz pants, sneakers squeaking as he skids to a halt in front of his cousin. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Look: do you see this silver pin, with the ruby in it? King Shrewd gave this to me when I was nine and sitting under a table eating leftover pies. The Fool and Regal were there too, and there were some puppies, and King Shrewd knelt down and gave me the pin and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him, I could just show this pin at his door and he'd let me talk to him, no matter what, and there's something really important going on so I need you to send a Skill message to him right now."

August looks at him for a minute. "No," he says finally, and turns to leave.

Fitz grabs his sleeve. "August you HAVE to let me talk to Shrewd, there are LIVES at stake!"

"Okay fine, jeez," August says, shaking him off. "I'll get Shrewd on the line."

"Great! Great. Okay. Tell him, uh." Fitz takes a deep breath. "Tell him Prince Rurisk is doing great and I don't think we should kill hi-- uhhhhhhhhh, I mean GIVE him the PRESENT that we were going to POISON him with."

"You're such a fucking spaz," August mutters, closing his eyes to make a Skill Call. Then he shrugs. "It went straight to voicemail."

"Redial," Fitz says desperately.

"No, I've got important cousin shit to do, including telling Regal that you just tried to get me to dial long distance to talk to the King." August walks across the palace to talk to Regal, but the Prince is high as fuck and doesn't care.

Fitz leans against the wall and makes a thinky face. "Maybe I could kill Regal," he says for what will be the first of several hundred times. "Eh, probably not worth it."

That night, Regal's minion gives Fitz a little secret packet of horrible deadly poison. "Regal gave me this to give to you to give to Prince Rurisk," he says. "Put it in his drink and make it look like an accident."

"Did King Shrewd send me here as some kind of complicated political maneuver where I would kill Rurisk and then be publicly hanged for murder so no one would find out that we killed Rurisk for political gain?" Fitz asks.

"Take the fucking accident powder," the minion snaps.

Fitz walks through the Big Onion to Kettricken's door, where he knocks and tells her that he's going to kill her brother. Then he goes to Rurisk's room, with Kettricken following behind. He sits down at Rurisk's table and dumps the accident powder into a glass of wine while Rurisk watches. Then they both drink from a different glass.

"Kind of sucks that Shift Manager Regal told everyone you're an assassin, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "You wanna hang out here in the mountain kingdom so you don't end up at the bottom of a lake with your feet encased in concrete?"

"Maybe," Fitz says. "I think somebody's supposed to catch me in the act of killing you just now, will you let them in?"

Cob bursts in the door. "Caught you red handed poisoning the Prin-- OH FUCK KETTRICKEN YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WINE DID YOU??"

"No, why?"

Rurisk falls over dead.

"Wait, why is he dead, we both drank from the same gl-- wow, I do NOT feel so great," Fitz says, foaming at the mouth again.

Cob grabs him. "I sent Smithy to space," he grins.

"Yeah, well I have a poisoned knife," Fitz replies, stabbing him with it.

"Sweet mountain Jesus, someone stop him, he's killing everyone!" Kettricken yells, then realizes she's holding a heavy metal object and beans Fitz in the head with it.

Fitz wakes up in the stables outside the Big Onion with Regal already monologuing over him. "I wanted you dead because you and Lady Thyme poisoned my mother!"

"Queen Desire, Shrewd's second queen who died at some point in this book but Fitz literally cared so little that he didn't even mention it," says a nearby hay bale.

"Thank you, hay bale," Regal says. "You thought I didn't know you poisoned her, but I DID know! I also know that you were using Burrich to Skill, but as soon as I had Cob stab him you were forced to stop. I knew ALL of these things!"

"Glag," Fitz says, concussed. Then he closes his eyes, and suddenly he can Skill.

"Hi, Prince Regal," Galen the Skillmaster says. "Are you ready for me to Skill-Kill Prince Verity during the wedding so you can marry Kettricken and be King-in-Waiting?"

"Ugh, but she looks like a Soviet Union propaganda poster," Regal moans.

"Suck it up," Galen says, hitting 'end call.'

Fitz is still laying on his face in the stables. Nosy noses in and ambles over to drool on him, then bites through the ropes Fitz is tied up with. Burrich shows up next.

"You have the Wit," Fitz tries to say, but he's still suffering poison damage and the 'hit in the head' debuff, so it comes out as "Glaggaglah."

"I'm in the closet," Burrich says. "Did King Shrewd turn you into a baby assassin?"

"Glag," Fitz confirms sadly.

Burrich looks back at him, then does a double-take. "Where the fuck did you get that collar that says 'DADDY' on it?" he demands.

"Patience glave it to me."

"I cannot fucking believe this," Burrich mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's the collar that I gave to your dad."

Fitz looks at him.

"You gave it to Prince Chivalry when he found out about me," Fitz says. "That's why it says 'DADDY,' because that's when he found out he was a father."

"Sure, we'll go with that," Burrich says queerly.

Jonqui, King Eyod's sister, clips through the wall while T-posing. "Come back to the Big Onion," she says. "Kettricken has forgiven you for poisoning her brother. Which I know you didn't do."

They drag Fitz back to his rooms at the Big Onion. While Fitz is trying to remember how to drink water, August shows up at the door. "Verity called," he says boredly. "He said, uh, be loyal to who's loyal to you, or something. Also all of Regal's servants died mysteriously and he wants you to go to the hot springs to help him bathe."

"I do not want to see Regal naked," Fi tz protests, but goes anyway.

Regal's sitting in a hot tub drinking an evil martini when Fitz and Burrich arrive. "Ah, there you are," Regal says. "Hulking Manservant, bang Burrich over the head."

Burrich goes down. Fitz yells timber. Regal drags Fitz over to another hot tub, ignoring the sign that says 'WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HOT TUB IF YOU HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BETRAYED BY YOUR EVIL UNCLE' and throws him in.

"And that's that," Regal says happily, dusting off his hands, and leaves.

Fitz, flailing around in the water being hot tubbed to death, can suddenly Skill (again). This is great! He Skills joyously. Skilling is rad! I'm gonna call everyone! Hey Verity! VERITY! ... Verity?

"Dearly Beloved..."

The Fool looks up from his Adult Coloring Book. "Hm?"

"We are gathered here today to join these two second bananas in holy matrimony. Do you, Prince Verity..."

Verity! Fitz Skill-yells. Look out!! Skillmaster Galen is standing behind you about to pull a Skill Dracula on you and suck out all your, uh, Skill! That's a thing that can happen apparently!

I am actually Queen Desire's bastard son and Prince Regal's half brother! Galen Skills evilly. I'm pretty sure there's no member of the Farseer reign that HASN'T either sired or given birth to a bastard! Like seriously, as a family we legit just cannot keep our pants on. ANYWAY! I have been conspiring to kill Verity and put Regal on the thro-- oh okay apparently you can just straight kill someone with the Skill too, who knew.

Galen collapses, Skill-dead.

AUGUST, Verity Skill-megaphones into August the Skill-cousin's ear. PUT THE KRAKEN ON THE LINE SO I CAN TELL HER IT WASN'T ME WHO PLOTTED TO KILL PRINCE RURISK. AND ALSO THAT I RESPECT HER AS A PERSON AND WILL GREET HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT BUCKKEEP WITH A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND A MANLY NOD.

August's head explodes.

~epilogue~

Fitz and Burrich are later found in a wet, unconscious pile in the steams. Fitz has puncture marks in his wrist from where Nosy pulled him out of his hot tub tomb before climbing into his rocketship and flying back to his home planet.

Though neither of them are dead, Burrich has conveniently forgotten that Fitz is a baby assassin, and Fitz probably can't be a baby assassin anymore because he has about thirty seizures a day due to being poisoned and then poisoned again and then blugeoned and kicked and drowned all in the space of like thirty minutes.

They spend a long time recovering in Jhaampe, even after Kettricken and Regal (remember him? he's still alive) go down to Buckkeep. Burrich tells Fitz that they're friends again and that he'll go wherever Fitz goes because he's wearing the 'DADDY' collar. Fitz says, "Because you... view me as a parental figure? I guess?"

Burrich replies, "Sure. We'll go with that." NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BOOK Z: Fitz has his Hot Girl Summer, immediately followed by his Shit’s Wack Winter, in ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED!

#rote #assassin's apprentice #farseer trilogy #fitzchivalry farseer #robin hobb #aa abridged #farseer trilogy abridged

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gumioe · 3 months

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it's 4 am and I'm feeling out of it enough to actually talk about myself on my blog (aka the intended use of a blog I think) instead of just shitposts and thoughts about fictional characters woohoooo

so I've been making this comic right. and it's a very personal project for me so I have no intention of posting it or getting any attention for it. maybe I'll think about posting it when it's finally done but for now it's just for me. and if I can finish this comic then I have other stories that I'd like to work on but this current one is the one that I really really want to create and finish before I die lmfao

anyway when I was dating my ex for almost all of last year my productivity with my comic slowed to a fucking crawl like normally im able to finish one uhh let's call it a story arc in like 8-10 months? but I'm on like month 15 of making this current arc and I'm still not done lmfao. and I kinda hate the idea of being in a relationship now bc it's already gonna take me like 20 years to finish this comic at the fastest pace I can manage and the thought of taking even longer or even not being able to finish at all bc of my relationship fucking kills me tbh

but also I kinda do want to be married and maybe even have kids and the thought of giving THAT up so I can focus on a comic that literally no one else on the planet knows or cares about seems kinda ridiculous too. if I was an actual famous and successful artist/writer then I feel like it would make more sense to choose my art over love but like I'm. not. lol. it's like that onion headline that goes "local woman not good enough artist to justify her eccentricities". as much as I care about this comic it just doesn't feel like big enough of a deal for me to give up on love and a family for it

but I don't wanna DATE. UGH. I can't DRAW if I'm spending all my time with my BOO. I wanna DRAW!!!!!

really I guess it all comes down to fucking capitalism fucking things up again. bc if I didn't have to spend a third of my day at my JOB then maybe I'd have enough time to date/be married AND draw wow IMAGINE THAT. hayao miyazaki has a wife and family AND tells all the stories he wants to tell and that's cause he doesn't have to also write python scripts to manage third party license usage data for 40 hrs a week just IMAGINE

#shut up boo

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legionofpotatoes · 2 years

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Same anon here, I'm also 30 and my meme folder is still called "motivational posters" because I've carried it over across 5 or 6 different computers over the last 20 or so years. So, if you're a fossil, then I'm the layer of crust directly below you, lol

If it makes you feel any better, A) I actually didn't finish the Citadel DLC back in the day and had a small crisis when I tried looking up that Joker scene, but saw that the most relevant sources were from 2022 (thanks to the video from 9 years ago that confirms I'm not being reverse Uno carded). The fact that ME3 literally had the same joke/setup just makes all of it even funnier, tbh

And B) I usually don't keep up with (or find interest in) modern shitpost-y humor either though and, honestly, the only reason I've absorbed any of the Morbius stuff is because it was such an absolute travesty of cinema that it flopped at the box office, people literally memed it so hard that it was brought back to theaters, then it flopped again, lol

In any case, glad we could enlighten each other and that my original ask still got a chuckle once the layers were pealed back

The Morbius hoopla was genuinely impossible not to gleam through osmosis and hey, some of that stuff had me in stitches. Especially their tragic, adorable victory lap, bless their hearts. But I am still dense when it comes to layered post-ironic humor online, yeah. Kind of like how you describe it I guess. We're all crusty dinosaurs together in our thirties!

I do love that Joker scene but it's one of the easier ones to miss. I believe it's not even a marked quest and it shares a spot with another encounter, so there's no cred lost for misremembering it! All part of our miserably confusing shrek onion of an anecdote here.

I am now Fully EnlightenedTM and ready to Mord' all over the Erdtree and oh my god I should not say these things

#anon #asks

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your-local-uwu-artist · 1 year

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(i could be wrong since its been forever since ive watched the movie), but it think that was the point of the metaphor. if you peel off the layers of an onion, you'd still find more onion--it doesn't change no matter how deep you look into it. Shrek was saying that no matter how much you try and look deep into an ogre, they'd still be the same. he was saying that he doesn't have any sort of specialness deep down inside of him; that he is exactly like how he is, both inside and out. if you kept peeling him, you'd still find the same ogre-ness to him, just like how if you kept peeling an onion, you'd still only have the same onion, nothing new or special different

First of all anon, thankyu for casually spashing in actually intelligent insight as a response to my comedically toned shitpost /gen /pos (being able to take silly things seriously is like, one of the first steps to a good media analysis) also sharing your thoughts can make some people feel all shy so I feel you deserve a thumbs up for having the courage to hit that send button >:3

Okay so I did some googling and I do think that the initial assumption of like, outer layer, inner self, is probably the intended meaning:

But I defintly think your onto something anon :o and lowkey explained it better than the articles I speed read nshdjsn

Anyway this is completely on the fly rambles so ill try to bullet point it and put it under a cut sense I'm writing off the top my mind and dont know how long it'll be

-i definitely think the way you explained the idea makes a lot more sense to Shrek's characterization, It doesn't seem like it was trying ti insinuate that there was something particularly special about whats under the layer, just that there is more to him than the outer layer

-it did seem that it was trying to express something about outer appearance and stereotypes but probably not in the manner my blunt autistic brain takes metaphors so literally

-so onion metaphors in general do exist theoretically before Shrek and in general it is used to convey multiple layers around one core, and apparently "peeling the layers of the onion" is seen as a metaphor for like, personal growth and dealing with deep buried problems in your life, not sure if the second ones relevant but idk maybe someone can find a tie in

-so I'm guessing the layers of the onion is either like, how much somebody sees of you, or the persona that you show on the outside, I'm not sure which one is more fitting or neither or both, but I guess the idea is that like, someone may seem rude and cold on the outside but behind that outer layer there's other aspects to this person, I suppose to tie in the its still the same, it could be argued that the outer layers are still a part of that person, it's just not hollow like some assume it to be, and if you peel back the layer its the fact that there is anything more than the outer layer that is signfigant

-i could see that approach to it making more sense since I think its trying to say something about stereotypes, I vaguely remember Shrek also saying that people will decide they dont like him when they barely know him

-in that case I guess you could try ti apply a similar metaphor to a real stereotyped group, like perhaps a gay man acts eccentric and fits those stereotypes and so people write him off as just the "gay best friend" and boil down his entire person to just that outer layer, it doesn't accur to them that the outer layer isn't just hollow, that there's anything underneath, and they might not think to try and peel it because they think they know the person based on only the outer layer, in which, I guess we can think of the core of the onion as that person at their purest, and by peeling back the layers your getting close to seeing that person for every aspect of who they are, so if you peel back the layers of this theoretically gay guy, yeah he still likes men but he also has this thing called a life and more than one personality trait

-i still find irony in that the idea is that by peeling back layers your seeing "more" to the person, sense peeling an actual onion makes it smaller

-but I the metaphor won't be perfect to its litteral counterpart...

-anyhow once again thanks for the message anon! I really enjoyed and appreciated hearing your thoughts and found them helpful in kinda like, how I tend to approach these kind of metaphors in general :DD I hope you have a lovely day and you deserve an apply juice box with some crackers for your contributions to society

#I mean all y'all deserve appy juice and crackers in my eyes but anon gets an extra juice box today

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chaosintheavenue · 2 years

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Semi-shitpost random incorrect quotes, featuring my OCs and other random Fallout peeps. From this generator! Also, Jamison belongs to @mouseclarke

Trin: Go big or go home! Kayli: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. Trin: I'm going big!

Settlers/Responders: Why are you guys acting like this? Raiders: Oh, we're not acting. We really are like this.

Literally anyone: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? Trin: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? Literally anyone: Yes. Trin: I'd sleep.

JJ: *is visibly upset* Anyone: JJ, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country.

Quin: Fight me! Charlie, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

Trin: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Dion: What's that? Trin: Remorse code. Dion: I'm even angrier now.

Jamsion, entering Rosalynn’s room: David did it again. Rosalynn: Peace disturbance? Jamison: What no- Rosalynn: Arson..? Jamison: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- Rosalynn: uh....Attempted murder? Jamison: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

James: So, JJ is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. Catherine: Why? James: Because I've caught him trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row. JJ, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.

Trin’s mother: Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.?

Dion: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything? Battery: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital. Dion: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you. Battery: But I heard a siren. Dion: That was Trin’s mother. Trin’s mother: Sorry, I got nervous.

Violet: It’s not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

JJ: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Brutus: So how’s the food Sigrid made? Charlie: It's great! Compliments to her. Brutus: *goes to the kitchen* Brutus: You're adorable. Sigrid: *blushes*

Charlie: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can’t?

Trin’s father: What’s your biggest fear? Trin’s mother: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone. R: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back. Trin: Zombies. Everyone: ... Trin: BUT they can open doors.

Dion: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. Trin’s father: Dion: Trin’s father: ...Please, go back to bed.

Some randomer: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Melody: Um, murder??? Rosalynn: Adventuring! David: Tuesday.

Squad reactions to being called straight: Charlie: The fuck, no I'm not. Sigrid: Excuse the hell out of you? Six: Ding dong, you are wrong! Dion: Who told you that? And why did they lie? Red: Rude.

Aries: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. Kayli, used to Aries being Aries: Sure... Aries: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Kayli: Okay? Aries: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. Kayli: Aries: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio- Kayli: Jesus, that one is a little- Trin, interested: No, no, Aries, keep going.

Trin: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

Tibbs: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Violet: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. Elyse: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

#incorrect quotes #oc cast #randomness

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pinbitch · 3 years

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sometimes being in spn fandom is just

#supernatural #fandom wank #i’m looking specifically at people calling dean’s death bury your gays #i hate each and every one of you #and like it’s about spn as a show as a whole #but also dean specifically #layers #i will call this my onion shitpost #and i will say specifically in these tags for a third time

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crunchbuttsteak · 2 years

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I decided to start nightblogging, which is what they called shitposting in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to nightblog about superwholock cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bendytoots coldsnatch on ‘em, gimme five beautiful cucumbers for a quarter you’d say.

#the simpsons #abe simpson #2012 tumblr #tumblr #nightblogging #superwholock

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guinevereslancelot · 7 years

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ross poldark: human disaster + onion headlines/text post meme

#poldark #ross poldark #ross poldark human disaster #i love my trash son #im mad at him rn but i still love him #but my god i swear hes got a phd in fucking up #demelza's too good for him tbh #text post meme #the onion headlines #also that bird thing but idk what its called anymore #a lot of this has probably been done before but #i will not apologize for art #anyway ross pls get ur shit together #this has been a shitpost #1k*

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propaganda-for-poets · 3 years

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About our blog ❄️

🧅Welcome to our tumblr!

🪐Hello! My name is Star! I go by She/They pronouns. My favorite poet is Pitts!

Here are some fun facts about me:

✎photographer

✎ Chocolate enjoyer

✎ I have two orange cats :)

: ̗̀➛Some other fandoms I’m in:

Good omens, DPS too I guess

🪐🪐🪐

🧅 Hello ! I was known in the DPS fandom as Jace, but I no longer share my name publicly in tumblr because I couldn't decide on one and now I just think it's funny, so call me dolokhoded cause it's my tumblr url. You can find me on, surprise surprise, @dolokhoded .

Here are some fun facts about me:

✎ I mostly draw but I might once in a blue moon write something.

✎I unironically absolutely love maths

✎ 👊💥official chameron shipper👊💥 gang along with @aedan-mills , @maisietheweltoncow >:)

✎ I'm an INTP 5w6

: ̗̀➛Some other fandoms I’m in:

Derry Girls, War and Peace, Peanuts, Le Nozze Fi Figaro and some other operas

🧅🧅🧅

tags : ❄️

star's tags:

#🩹 jace reblogs: reblogs

#🪐starreblogs: reblogs

#🪐starsposts: Stars posts

#🪐starshcs: headcannons

#🪐starsanswers : Answers to asks

#🪐starsshit: random shitposts non-dps

dolokhoded's old tags i may change them at some point idfk:

#🩹 jace posts: original posts

#🩹 jace's hcs: headcanons

#🩹 jester clowning: rambles

#🩹 jace answers: asks

#🩹 jace writes: writing

for now im just gonna sign off everything with my little onion guy 🧅

#pinned post

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heavenly-roman · 4 years

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Sibling Culture™️

Plot: A series of events in which Roman and Remus enact peak Sibling Culture™️

Warnings: swearing, mild sexual references (aka remus being remus), a lil bit of insecurity and sibling rivalry, sympathetic remus

Pairing(s): creativitwins, mentioned/implied intruality, mentioned/implied roceit

Word Count: 1634

if you liked this, consider buying me a coffee?

Taglist: @emo-disaster @shitpost-sides @gattonero17

(ao3 link!!!)

+++

The incessant knocking on Roman’s door persists, despite Roman calling for whoever it is (Remus, definitely Remus), to come in.

After another forty-five seconds of knocking, of which Roman seriously contemplates jumping out the window, the door swings open. Remus stands there, not making a noise, until Roman groans and looks at him.

His brother is t-posing - Roman genuinely considers closing the door in his face.

“What are you doing?” Roman asks.

“Simple.” Remus responds, keeping his position. “I’m t-posing in your doorway to establish dominance as the better twin.”

“You’re not the better twin.”

Remus makes an offended noise, and Roman watches him carefully. Normally, the younger twin would make some sort of offended or crude gesture. Today, however, he is unmoving. “I am clearly the better twin, as I am currently t-posting and establishing my dominance. Try to keep up, Ro.”

“Is that all you wanted?” Roman sighs.

“Oh, dinner’s ready too,” Remus shrugs and walks away, leaving the door wide open. Bewildered, Roman follows.

+++

H. Duke (9:31pm): roman

H. Duke (9:32pm): roman!!

H. Duke (9:34pm): romAN

H. Duke (9:34pm): ROMAN

H. Chandler (9:35pm): WHAT DO YOU WANT REMUS

H. Duke (9:37pm): i lost the game >:D

H. Chandler (9:38pm): i will END YOU

+++

Roman sighs and reluctantly knocks on Remus’ door, calling to him, “Remus, can you help me?”

“Depends,” Remus swings the door open, mischievous smirk gracing his lips. “What do you want, and what can you do for me?”

Holding out his notebook and textbook, Roman explains, “can you check that my answers are right? I can’t be in the musical if I fail math again.”

Remus gives him an expectant look, so he continues, “I’ll do your laundry for a week.”

“A month.”

“Two weeks.”

“Deal,” Remus nods and holds out his hand to shake. Roman shakes it, then hands the books to his brother, who promptly flops down into his desk chair. Roman stands anxiously as Remus compares their homework, hope growing in his stomach when Remus looks up at him with a soft smile and nods.

“They look good, Ro,” he stands, giving the books back to his twin. “You’re getting the hang of it, I’m proud of you.”

“Oh, uh, thank you, Re.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Remus shrugs. “Now get out of my room, I’m playing Minecraft.”

+++

H. Duke (11:37am): hey beefbrain are u going out for lunch?

H. Chandler (11:38am): yes why?

H. Duke (11:39am): bring me back a cheeseburger

H. Chandler (11:41am): why would I do that??? you literally just called me beefbrain???

H. Duke (11:42am): remember that time I proofread your math homework so you could audition for the wizard of oz?

H. Chandler (11:43am): ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

H. Chandler (11:43am): extra onion right?

+++

Roman skips up the stairs, shrugging his backpack off as he opens his bedroom door. Flicking on the light, he holds back a scream as he notices Remus lounging on his bed.

“Ah, Roman King, so nice of you to join me.”

“What are you doing in my room, Remus?” Roman rolls his eyes and closes the door. He crosses his arms over his chest as Remus stands.

“Let me paint you a picture, dear brother,” Remus begins dramatically pacing around the room - it’s times like this Roman can truly see the resemblance. “You see, I entered your room in pursuit of one thing, and one thing only - your white crop top with the skull on it.”

“In the hamper.”

“Thank you. But while looking in your closet, I found something. Any guesses?”

Roman sighs, “Your green army jacket?”

“My green army jacket!” Remus pulls the coat from behind his back and holds it up for the older twin to see. “Anything to say for yourself, thief?”

“Remus, you literally just admitted to coming in here to steal a shirt of mine. I think I’m allowed to borrow a jacket.”

“Nuh uh, I have a right as your younger sibling to steal your clothes.”

“You’re only twenty minutes younger than me?”

“Doesn’t matter, still my birth right.”

“Fine,” Roman slumps down onto his bed. “Take the shirt, and wash it before you give it back?”

“You’re doing my laundry for the next week and a half so i think you’ll be washing it.”

+++

H. Chandler (10:03am): hey

H. Chandler (10:03am): wizard of oz auditions are today at lunch

H. Duke (10:05am): and? why should I care?

H. Duke (10:06am): wait wait I get it

H. Duke (10:06am): break a leg I guess

H. Chandler (10:11am): not what I was getting at, but thank you

H. Chandler (10:12am): you should audition

H. Chandler (10:12am): I think you’d make a great wizard

H. Duke (10:15am): ur hilarious

H. Duke (10:15am): absolutely not

H. Chandler (10:17am): why not?

H. Duke (10:17am): I have no talent

H. Duke (10:18am): you’re the one mom and dad are super proud of, remember?

H. Chandler (10:21am): Remus, shut up. You’re one of the most talented people I’ve ever met

H. Chandler (10:22am): you’re related to me, afterall

H. Chandler (10:22am): mom and dad are proud of you too, by the way

H. Duke (10:25am): fine

H. Chandler (10:27am): fine????

H. Duke (10:28am): fine, i’ll audition, but only to get you off my back

H. Chandler (10:32am): love you too!!!

H. Duke (10:33am): you’re also buying me lunch

+++

The auditorium door barely closes behind him before Roman is bombarding him with questions.

“How did it go? What did they say? How do you feel? What-”

“Roman.”

“Sorry.

Remus motions for them to walk as he begins speaking, “It went well, I guess. They said I was ‘very promising’, whatever that means.”

“Remus, that’s amazing!” Roman exclaims. He fishes his car keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, sliding into the driver’s seat. “This calls for celebratory milkshakes.”

“We only do that when you get the role, dumbass.”

“But I know that you’re going to!”

“Look, Ro, I-” Remus sighs, turning in the passenger seat to face his brother. “Don’t get my hopes up, okay? The audition… felt good, yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve seen you study really hard for tests and feel good about them and then fail, you know? Feeling good does nothing, and I barely prepared for it.”

The silence in the car was thick, both of them sitting in the truth of Remus’ words, before Roman speaks up again.

“Well,” He says, starting the car. “I guess we really do need those shakes.”

+++

H. Chandler (4:46pm): stop talking to patton, he’s my friend not yours

H. Duke (5:07pm): sorry what was that? I was busy getting my dick sucked by patton

H. Chandler (5:08pm): OH MY GOD

H. Chandler (5:08pm): TMI??????????????

H. Duke (5:10pm): kidding kidding

H. Chandler (5:11pm): oh thank god

H. Duke (5:13pm): i was sucking HIS dick

H. Chandler (5:14pm): REMUS WHAT THE FUCK

H. Duke (5:17pm): im kidding again

H. Duke (5:17pm): we’re studying, calm down

H. Chandler (5:18pm): don’t you EVER do that to me again

H. Duke (5:26pm): yeah whatever

H. Duke (5:26pm): i’ll stop hanging out with patton if you stop hanging out with dee

H. Duke (5:27pm): hE’s mY fRiEnD nOt YoUrS

H. Chandler (5:31pm): bold of you to assume dee and I are just friends

H. Chandler (5:32pm): but alright, I concede, as long as you never try to tell me about your real or imaginary sex life again

H. Duke (5:38pm): deal

+++

“They posted the cast list!” Roman jumps up and down in front of his brother. “Should we go check together?”

Remus grimaces, “I think I’m good, you can check it yourself.”

“Remus,” Roman frowns. “A wise man once told me to always receive news first hand, and that’s why he would never check cast lists for me.”

“You already know your news.” Remus picks at the olives in his salad.

“But you don’t know yours!” Roman insists.

“Roman.”

“Remus.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Check it for me.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“ Please .”

“Fine.” Remus pushes his chair out and stands. “But only to shut you up.”

“And that’s how you win the game, folks.”

Remus rolls his eyes and pushes past Roman who makes an offended noise and follows him. His steps become smaller as he grows closer to the auditorium door where the cast list is posted. Nervously, he asks, “Check it first?”

Roman nods sympathetically and makes his way to the door. “Do you want me to read it out loud?” He asks.

“Please.”

“Scarecrow: Roman King. Tin Man: Dee Lyre. Cowardly Lion: Patton Hart. The Wizard-”

“Wait,” Remus interrupts. “Let me read this one.”

“By all means.”

Remus takes a deep breath and reads the list, “The Wizard: Remus King.”

Roman cheers, and Remus joins in too. They’re practically screaming by the time they reach the cafeteria again, but no one bothers to stop them.

+++

H. Chandler (1:56pm): so, celebratory milkshakes after school?

H. Duke (1:59pm): you know it

H. Duke (2:00pm): oh and bring a mayo jar so I can put my shake in it and freak people out

H. Chandler (2:03pm): absolutely not, plans cancelled

H. Duke (2:04pm): :(

H. Chandler (2:08pm): ugh okay fine plans uncancelled but i'm not bringing a mayo jar

H. Duke (2:09pm): :D

H. Duke (2:09pm): and it’s fine i have my own

H. Chandler (2:11pm): not even gonna ask

H. Chandler (2:14pm): oh and remus?

H. Duke (2:15pm): yeah?

H. Chandler (2:21pm): I lost the game

#creativitwins #tag this as remrom and face my blade #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #roman sanders #implied intruality #implied roceit #are any of u surprised? i couldn't help myself ok #high school au #once again are any of u surprised? u shouldn't be #creativitwins fluff #bennie’s books

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madmanransom · 2 years

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Vidalia, an autismo rant about a shitty show on Cartoon Network, and useless information that will never benefit any of you.

i still remember the one steven universe moment that made me cringe out of my fucking mortal coil for a minute. now, i’m not a fan of steven universe, as a matter of fact i think most of it is pure garbage. i only have some minor knowledge of the show from shitposts and clips on youtube.

now- moving forward- in steven universe, there’s a character called vidalia, and her whole family is based around onions. now, the significance of the name vidalia is not lost on most people, as vidalia is a kind of sweet onion that is exceptionally sweet due to the soil it’s grown in. named after the town in georgia where it is famously grown, vidalia.

i also live within that region. now, i don’t live IN vidalia. i’m a ways away from there, but yes- i live and breathe in this fine region of the lovely little state of georgia, that has the soil content required to produce vidalia onions. you can grow vidalia onions here and ONLY here. there’s a whole bunch of stuff about it, like how parmigiano-reggiano can only be made in that region of italy surrounding parma, and champagne can only be made in the champagne region of france. the same wackadoo stuff applies to these onions.

now- that isn’t relative to this moment that made me cringe, i just think including that information will make this post funnier for some reason.

but what did make me cringe- and i mean REALLY cringe. was when i heard amethyst pronounce her name for the first time.

she says “vih-dahl-ee-uh”

the moment i heard this my brain shut down. it was only through this moment that i learned that nationwide most everybody but the people around here pronounce it that way.

now i understand this is a silly thing to cringe at, but at the same time i realize i can actually use my rampant and unhealthy desire to correct this unholy sin as an opportunity to actually tell folk interesting little details about dialects.

now, vidalia is not pronounced that way down here. it’s correct pronunciation is completely different. and there are actually two, depending on your proximity to the city. microdialects, if you will. this is the kind of shit that makes the autism in my brain get all excited because i genuinely find this sort of shit fascinating.

vye-dayl-ya - this is the one you’re going to hear in the deep south the most, and it’s the one you’re going to hear more and more of the closer you get to the actual vidalia region. it’s the one i use.

and then there’s the actual local pronunciation. now because i am in the vidalia region, i often hear people around me using this one, even.

vye-day-ya - the people within vidalia proper completely cut the L off altogether, much to the surprise of many people, mainly because the letter plays such a huge role in the pronunciation of the word in the putrid yankee speech corruption and the other accepted pronunciation.

personally, i find this shit fascinating, even though it doesn’t really make a shit.

#what the fuck am i talking about

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morguenecrosis · 3 years

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I finally got over 50 followers!!! I know it isn't a lot, but it's more then I thought I'd ever get, so thank y'all for dealing with my stupid shitposting, cursed knowledge, and of course Mishapocalypse 💛💛💛

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So, as was promised...

Blessed foods✨

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if you don't completely understand why making this post is necessary then see all the parts of my 'Cursed Foods' series (so far... Believe me there will be more just not today) here:

Parts 1, 2, 3, 4-A, and 4-B

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Today's post will consist of foods (but no drinks... maybe another time) picked out by some of my mutuals and me, I'm sorry if I didn't ask you to pick a food! I wanted to keep the amount limited to around five. I still love all of you! Don't you dare think I don't...

So Continue for...

Black Russian Bundt Cake, Lokma, Bacon Wrapped Pickles, Baked Mac & Cheese, and Silpancho... This is gonna be a looong post...

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1. Black Russian Bundt Cake✨

This one's for @the-plague-doctor-17 💛

Yum yum chocolate cake of any kind is good, so I'm very excited...

Quick Summary:

What's in it? (Recipe... Sorta)

Vodka(hehe), Coffee Liquor, yellow cake mix, pudding, and other things you would expect to be in cake...

Go here or here for the recipe and instructions

Is there a non-alcoholic recipe?

I think the main point of this cake is the the alcohol so...

Yum? Would I eat?

Yessssssssssss djsbsBajajajiwhsisvkaya give. Give to me. NOW. Putting this on my bucket list of foods...

Picture:

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Sources: X | X

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2. Lokma✨

(Or Loukoumades? Greek Donuts? Honey Balls? I don't know anymore my life is a lie)

F-for me you shouldn't have...

So... I didn't even know they were called Lokma or Loukoumades till I had to look it up for this post... like for real I always just called them honey balls (hehe innuendo) or something. I grew up eating these!!! But only like once a year... We get them at the local Greek Church when they have their yearly bazaar... Idk I've always gone there every year (except in 2020 which is sad) mostly because we know a lot of people there you know like family and family friends and all that stuff... and it's very nostalgic for me...

Quick Summary:

How it's make? What's in it?

There kinda made like a donut... You fry balls of dough in oil and then coat them in honey and maybe some cinnamon and walnuts (optional)

Full recipe and instructions here

My personal experiences of how it tastes:

Yum yum... Little crunchy on the outside but it's kinda soft and airy on the inside and then it's sweet and good and yum. It's sticky because of the honey so it can be messy. Eat them fresh or they're not as good like. I mean they just made them and you shove all of them into your face immediately, okay? Okay.

Would you eat them?

Please try them if you haven't already it's so good ksbsiavnabbxbbdjsuqghahha

Picture:

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Sources: X

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3. Bacon Wrapped Pickles✨

Hello @is-misha-horny-or-just-sad ... is he horny or just sad?

Quick Summary:

What?

Pickles wrapped in bacon and then you bake them... That's it. Some recipes have cream cheese or ranch involved in the mix.

Go here or here for the recipe and instructions

Would I eat it?

Maybe. I don't like pickles that much but I might be willing to try it because... ✨BACON ✨

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Sources: X | X

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4. Baked Mac & Cheese

with extra cheese of course ✨

Is this the cheesy madness you wanted @misha-me-father ? huh? Is it?!

Quick Summary:

Haha cheese?

Yes much cheese...

How is it made?

Cook pasta, make cheese sauce, combine and layer with shredded cheese and bake.

Go here or here or recipe and instructions

Would I eat?

Yes I have before. Any kind of mac & cheese is good mac & cheese...

I've only eaten SpaghettiOs today and I'm very hungry and this is not helping...

Picture:

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Sources: X | X

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5. Silpancho✨

@horrorhorizon I've actually never heard of this before but I'm very happy

Quick Summary:

Okay I took a break to make grilled cheese before doing this one because I was very hungry...

What's in it? How it's made? (Recipes)

Rice, potatos, meat, tomato, onions, beats, parsley, and eggs

From my understanding it's a layer of rice then sliced potatoes, then a layer of pounded flat meat, and then on top of that is the other stuff and the eggs...

Go here or here for recipe and instructions

Would I eat it?

Yeah this seems like it would be like a good comfort food. Like something you'd eat when you haven't eaten much and are also sad... Does that even make sense idk I'm tired and hungry

Picture:

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Sources: X | X | X

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Bonus Food...

6. Nothing✨

@lumiicriesinthiscorner I hope you're happy with the suffering you've caused with the cursed knowledge you so carelessly unleash unto poor unsuspecting people (:

...cus I am

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Cursed food will be back tommorow so don't think that you're safe, because part five (5) is going to be pretty awful...

#blessed foods #a break from cursed foods #it's very wimby out rn #I am scared #shitpost #but in the best way possible #be putting a lot of effort into a post #morgue does research #lumii doesn't kill me today #long post

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