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traumatizeddfox · 2 months

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hi! so i was wondering a couple of trauma-related things.

tws for: bullying, dissociation, educational trauma, medical trauma, burnout, self-esteem issues, self-harm/suicidal ideation, long ask (i don't know the importance of these so i'm listing them just in case)

so i've had some things happening to me recently, and in total, and i was wondering about what your perception of them might be, just because i'd like outside perspective.

cyber-bullying: when i was younger, during the pandemic, i was still in school. i played minecraft with my friends a lot on a server. one of the guys on the server, let's call him v, joined after the rest of us. i wasn't very good at minecraft, and as the only girl i was sometimes teased. after v joined he started doing things that were upsetting and i told him not to. for instance, he'd lure me to "help him with mining", then kill my character and make me lose progress. he'd chase me around and hit me with swords (in game). the worst experience i had with him was when he trapped my character in a room i couldn't escape, and just hit me over and over and didn't let me leave. when i brought it up to the server moderator he was reluctant to do anything, and the other guys there weren't very supportive. eventually, i got my parents to intervene, and i don't play minecraft with v (or on servers in general) anymore. my question: was this cyberbullying? am i right to still be sensitive about it?

medical trauma: i was diagnosed with a type of chronic headaches about a year and a half ago. every day, all day, my head would hurt. eventually, i got treatment, by process of routine procedures and an eventual semi-surgery/procedure requiring anesthesia. however, i sometimes/often get headaches nowadays, and i have a tendency to think my head hurts a lot. my question: would this be a trauma response to my previous headaches (ie, misconstruing/exaggerating/overreacting to small headaches)?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: i am currently in high school, which i am having an awful time with. i used to have fun in school, and i like learning, but my highschool is very large. i have asd and issues with executive dysfunction, so i'm tired all the time after socializing at school. i have trouble focusing, and often feel very bad about not getting homework done. i am currently in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling like crying all the time. i've also noticed recently that when i'm at school i kind of check out, just stop being in myself per se, try to do something like reading that takes me away, and am sort of in a fugue state. my question: does this seem like dissociation? do you have suggestions for me to fix it?

self-esteem issues: i have issues with self-esteem where i have excessive guilt and respond to any criticism with self-hatred and beating myself up. there's a little voice in my head that tells me i'm awful, i have guilt attacks where i feel like stabbing or cutting myself. my question: do these things seem like they could be a symptom of trauma, or more of just rsd or something else?

thanks so much for consideration :) sorry the ask is so long

-anon ida

Hi Ida! Ill try to answer as best as I can but just remember I am not a mental health professional!

Cyberbully: I would def consider it cyber bullying, mainly because he was taunting you and just personally harassing you. even if its in-game, its still really annoying to have someone constantly chase after you, kill your character and lose progress, to me thats harassment.

Medical trauma: Im not very experienced in medical trauma, but I did get severe neck pain back in 2019/2020 and the pain was horrendous, i wasnt able to do anything, and when i get pain in my neck i get super anxious. It might not be medical trauma towards ur headaches, but it could be a panic disorder, like maybe you're in fear of the pain?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: this one im not too sure, to me it sounds more like burn out, it could be a bunch of things honestly! it could be burn out, it could lack of vitamins, it could be a list of things

self esteem issues: i have similar issues, I think the same things about myself. I cant say for certain if it's trauma, if it's thing youve heard others say to you, it could be a series of things. it could be social anxiety, it could be depression, etc.

It's definitely best to get a professional psychologist, therapist, doctor, etc to give you proper advice and information! It's a little hard for me to answer since I don't know you personally and I also am not a trained mental health professional but thank you for the ask and I hope things turn around for you!

#anon ida

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spookyboywhump · 3 years

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Mayhaps a cool prompt??? Young Everett and Eli at home, sitting together, Everett comforting Eli through fears about future planning?

Hi hello I loved this, and also I’m so sorry in advance for the second half of this drabble because it just kinda happened. Also apparently everything I write with these boys ends up being 2000+ words and a lot of dialogue

CW: Mentions of a neglectful parent

***

Elias tiredly stared at the screen in front of him, reading and rereading the same paragraph several times, trying to will his brain to cooperate and focus for once. His eyes kept straying away though, glancing around the dark room, looking back to the screen and going over the several tabs he had open, occasionally he’d switch tabs to choose a new song to play on low volume, he usually wasn’t able to focus without music- though right now, even that wasn’t enough.

He sighed and moved the laptop off his lap, setting it on the bed and tiredly rubbing his eyes. It was almost midnight, and he already dreaded school the next day because he knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep. He considered going to try and find something to eat, wondering if that might’ve helped him focus, but he already knew he wouldn’t find anything and he didn’t want to waste his time, not more than he already was anyway.

He perked up when he heard the front door to the apartment open, Everett always tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t wake their mom but the door creaked no matter what they tried to do to fix it. Eli liked the warning, liked not being startled when someone came home. It took all his self control to not leap off his bed and go to greet him, he was usually tired when he got home from work and he didn’t want to bother him, though he knew Everett would say he wasn’t. It didn’t take long for him to wander back to their room though, coming in with a plastic bag from the store down the street hanging off his arm.

“Hey,” Eli said, looking up at him from where he sat, “How was work?”

“Exhausting.” He sighed, reaching into the bag and taking out a can, passing it to Elias as he sat down at the desk between their beds, facing his younger brother. “What are you up to?” He asked, gesturing to the computer.

“School stuff. Looking at colleges and all that, or, trying to anyway. My eyes keep unfocusing.” He said, popping the tab off the energy drink and taking a swig from the can. “Actually, all of me keeps unfocusing.”

“You should go to bed then.” Everett told him, though he had been the one to bring him more sugar to keep him up through the night, even getting a can for himself. “Why are you worrying about schools and stuff anyway, aren’t you like, only the second year in high school? You have time, right?”

“I guess I have time but, it can’t hurt to start looking early. It’s more wishful thinking than anything.” He shrugged, leaning over to the computer, switching tabs to turn off the music still playing.

“What do you mean “wishful thinking”?” He asked.

“I mean, it’s not like I’m going to actually be able to go to any of them.” He shrugged.

“What makes you see that? You’re a fucking genius, Eli, you could get into any school you wanted.” He leaned forward, arms resting on his thighs.

“It’s not a matter of intelligence or grades, it’s a matter of money. You know, that thing we’re chronically lacking in.” He snickered, setting the can he held on the desk beside him.

“Yeah, but aren’t there like, scholarships and shit? I don’t know, I didn’t really get that far, but I’m sure there’s something you could do.”

“There is, if I could somehow manage going to school all day and working every hour that I’m not at school, homework and assignments be damned. I don’t know if I could even get a job though, and if I lost that job then I’d be fucked.” He said, having already overthought every terrible scenario that could come to pass. He sighed, anxiously running a hand through his hair. “There’s no way to guarantee that it would work out, and that’s assuming I even got accepted in the first place.”

“Don’t worry about the money thing, you know I’ll help you.” Everett assured him. “I don’t want you trying to work and go to school at the same time anyway, that would be too much. Besides, you still have time, if you really wanted to you could try working in the summer to save up at least some money.”

“It’s not… It’s not just the money thing.” He finally admitted, staring down at his lap. “I already know where I wanna try to go, and I’ve already looked at scholarships and stuff, it’s just… it’s out of state, y’know? So I would… I would have to leave…”

“... Yeah? Isn’t that a good thing?” He laughed. “I would’ve fucking killed to get away from here when I was your age.”

“Would you come with me then?” He asked, almost hopefully. “If… if we could just… move there… if you were at least close by, then, I don’t know, maybe…” He said, slowly trailing off when he saw the look on his brother’s face, he already knew what he was going to say.

“Eli, you know I can’t leave, not for good like that. Mom needs me around, and… and I think it would be good for you to go out on your own like that. You don’t need me around, you’re more than capable of handling yourself.” He told him, moving to sit beside Elias on his bed. He put his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close as he anxiously picked at the skin around his nails.

“It would be easier with you around though… I’ve never just… been away from you…” He’d always been anxious over the thought of being away from Everett, when he was little he’d even cry when he left the house. A part of him knew it was kind of inevitable, either Everett would leave eventually or he would, if only to get away from their mother. He didn’t like to think about it though, the thought of it made him sick.

“Well… it might be good for you to be away from me. You’re a super smart kid, Eli, and I know you have big plans for your career and all that. You shouldn’t hold yourself back just because we’d have to be apart. It’ll happen someday, might as well give it a try now- or, well, in two or three years that is.” He told him.

“Yeah, but- but what if something goes wrong? What-what if I get hurt, or sick, what if you get hurt? What if I need you?” He asked, rambling away as his anxiety got the better of him.

“Hey, hey you’ll be fine.” Everett said gently. “We’d still be able to talk, you would come home on breaks, it’s not like it would be for forever.” He told him.

“But it would still be a long time. Longer than I’ve ever been away from home, away from you… and that’s even assuming I could get in. I still have a lot of work to do before then, I sure as hell have to keep my grades up-”

“Kid, I’ve seen your report cards, I don’t think you’ve ever had below an A.”

“Yeah but-but what if something happens?!” He cried, getting worked up all over again. “What if- I don’t even know! What if I just suddenly forget how to do anything, what if I start messing up, what if I miss a few days and I can’t ever catch up, what-what if-”

"Elias.” Everett said sternly, and it was enough to shut him up, his brother hardly ever used his full name. “You’re working yourself up over nothing. Just because you can come up with some wild scenario doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, if anything, it’s really, really unlikely it will. I told you, you’re smart, you shouldn’t let all your anxiety hold you back. You could do fucking anything you wanted, you have got to take advantage of that.” Elias groaned, pulling away from Everett only to hide his face in his hands.

“Every time I think about it though, it’s… it’s fucking terrifying. It’s so fucking scary, and on top of, well, everything else, the schoolwork I already have, and the chance of mom ending up in the hospital again, and you working all the fucking time… it’s scary, and thinking about what’s gonna come after I graduate is even scarier…”

“You don’t have to think about it right now then.” Everett told him, putting his hand on Eli’s back. “I’m sure it is scary, so give yourself a break. You still have a lot of time to figure it out, at least for right now, just take a break.” He said. “And you know, you can talk to me if you need to. I might not understand everything you have to say, but at the very least I can listen, and try to help you the best I can.”

“But I don’t wanna bother you…” He murmured.

“Eli, you could never bother me. I don’t think you’ve ever bothered anybody in your life-”

“Mom would say different.”

“She doesn’t count. Listen, I just want you to know, I’m always ready to listen to you, I’m always ready to help you. I’ve been with you this far, I’m not leaving anytime soon.” He told him. Elias was silent for a while before finally lowering his hands, lifting his head to look at him.

“Promise…?”

“Of course I promise.” He smiled at him, reaching up and ruffling his hair before pulling him into a tight hug, Eli finally cracking a smile as he leaned into him.

He could never figure out how he did it, but Everett always knew what to say to calm him down, to slow the frantic flow of thoughts that would make him panic when left unattended. He knew that someday they’d have to exist away from each other, and he didn’t know what he would do when that day came, but for right now, all he could do was cling to his brother, and be thankful he was here for him in the moment.

***

Everett sat on his bed, staring at the card in his hand. It was early the next morning, Eli had just left for school and he was only awake because he always made sure to say goodbye before he left. He was alone now, staring at a phone number he’d been debating calling. The man who had given him the card wasn’t as shady as his offer was, he was older, well dressed, he clearly had money and he seemed polite. He wasn’t pushy, unlike everyone else who had offered him a shady job, which made him feel a little less uneasy about this.

The man had told him if he changed his mind, he should call him, and he’d handed him that card. He’d dismissed it at first, left it in his jacket pocket and almost forgotten about it. The job he had now was fine, but the man had offered more money, at the time though, he didn’t think it was worth it to risk it, but the offer was starting to appeal to him more and more. He’d gotten Eli talking the night before, and while his brother was in the shower he’d looked into the school he was interested in. Even if he had his tuition covered, there was still the cost of necessities, money in case of an emergency, the cost of getting him there and home on breaks. He couldn’t blame the kid for getting nervous, it was a lot, but maybe, if this offer was as good as it sounded, it would be manageable.

He knew there was still a couple years until they had to worry about that, but even easing their current financial issues sounded good to him, and he knew it would take some stress off Eli. He knew their mom wasn’t doing well, she’d already spent time in the hospital twice that year and at this point he was the only one who could provide for them. He was just barely making enough to pay rent, keep their phones and internet going, only for Eli to be able to do schoolwork, and he knew they never had enough food- even though he knew he gave money to their mom. If he had the time he’d do the shopping himself, but he didn’t, and he knew Eli didn’t, and even though he felt guilty for it, he was angry that their mother was so unreliable, and that his brother was suffering the most for it.

He’d eventually reasoned with himself that it couldn’t hurt to call, couldn’t hurt to get more information. If this really was some miracle, if it was as good as it sounded, then he’d be happy he did it and things would improve, and if it turned out to be a scam or another desperate pervert, then he could forget it ever happened and go back to struggling like normal. It couldn’t hurt though, so finally he dialed the number, and hoped for the best.

#not whump #my writing #my oc's #wren #Everett #this is comfort kinda but #it's comfort that made me sad #just cuz #we know what happens #is it obvious i never looked into colleges and stuff #probably rip #eli was listening to vocaloid in the beginning i dont make the rules #Anonymous

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nspinelliwrites · 4 years

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Chronic Illness: a Conversation with Loved Ones

*I wrote this almost a year ago. Since then I have had an additional diagnosis on top of this one of a similar vain. Actually most are of a similar vain. “It’s all in my head” hah. Edited for updated information*

I have Meniere’s Disease. I suffer, I live and sometimes I just rest with Meniere’s Disease. But it’s there always and forever. For those that don’t know, and I know it’s most. Meniere’s Disease is a chronic, invisible, disease that has no cure. It brings vertigo, tinnitus, hearing loss, ear pain, and pressure into my life. Amongst many other symptoms. Most are hard to explain when I sometimes have trouble understanding them myself. I generally try to yell “This is Sparta!” at my day at least once. It helps with the constant battle that goes on without my control or say.

What You Need to Know: The Specifics

The Mayo clinic describes my life so much more simply than it feels. “Meniere’s disease is a disorder of the inner ear that can lead to dizzy spells (vertigo) and hearing loss. In most cases, Meniere’s disease affects only one ear.” But here’s the truth, this disease like many chronic illnesses affects each and every recipient differently.

Most days I can’t walk. A lot of the days I can’t walk on my own. I consider those pretty good days. My most visible symptom is vertigo. Not, just got off the roller coaster going to throw up my lunch dizzy. More like my life is never getting off the Tea Cups and they are going backward. But the world is what is actually spinning and it’s around me–and I can’t get it to stop.

Other parts of my symptoms include hearing loss and ear pain. Brain fog. You know this feeling when a word is just on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite grasp it. I can feel that way, all day, for anything and everything. If you ever had to explain the word “stairs”, while looking at them. You feel me. Or ear fullness/pressure. Going up in an airplane that wonderful pain in your ears that come with the pop. Just no pop, most of the time, and on the ground whenever it wants. Did I mention the tinnitus? The roaring in my ears? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

One day I might need hearing aids. One day I might not have any hearing in that ear at all. One day I need a cane and one day I don’t. One day I could need a walker.

It’s a Vestibular Disorder of the inner ear. There is fluid in my affected ear. For me, it’s my left ear for now. At the moment, it is only lateral. Meaning it only affects one ear. However, it can become, bi-lateral and affect both ears.

It’s a long term disease. Long term. Rest of my life long term. Guys, I am never getting better. I am never going to “feel better.” Whatever that even means anymore. I am never going to get over it. This isn’t the flu. I won’t just wake up one day and be better. Better is just not something that is me. And that is, okay. I am forever sick.

You should hug your local chronic illness sufferer. Even though at the end of the day, we do not want your pity. Maybe you should ask about the hug thing too, you know? Germs and all. I may not have the flu, but I can still catch it. We just want acceptance and understanding. You don’t have to get a PhD. on the topic, just believe us.

Just believe that when we say it’s a bad day. That even though I am walking with my cane today. I am fine, it just helps sometimes. That I understand my limitations. That I am not giving up on the things I wanted in life. I am choosing to live a life where I spend most days okay. At a functioning normal. Not stuck in bed because you thought it would be a good idea for me to go to that concert or take on another activity. I learned the hard way when I didn’t want to change. When I liked the life I already had. When I thought I was giving it all up, which wasn’t the case.

Just Listen the first time

We shouldn’t have to have a discussion more than once. Please understand, that I understand that you don’t see when my S.O. has to carry me up the stairs just so I can pee. Or that he has to bathe me from time to time. I know you don’t see me after the weekend we spent at New York Comic-Con. When I am stuck in bed. In the dark, under the covers, probably annoyed at the dog who wants to torture the cat or vice versa and now won’t go upstairs without me. And I am unable to walk or even turn over.

I don’t mean to have to cancel plans. To be unavailable when you need me. I would love to go on vacation with everyone when they wanted. To spend the weekend in some place with flashing lights and music. Where we drink until we forget where our room is. But I have to think about the next day and the day after. About being able to walk. You don’t and I understand that. So why is it so hard for you to understand that for me?

Why can’t we all understand that my life has changed differently than it has changed for you? That I dreamed of traveling the world and being Lara Croft, but I get to cry about how that is never going to happen. Not you. Could you imagine me having an attack in a foreign country? I can hah.

That only I know how I feel right now, that my illness can’t handle the stress of school or work or a three-hour party at Dave n Busters for my niece’s eighth birthday. Sometimes I did them anyway. Knowing I wouldn’t feel well after or during because it was for someone and I paid the price.

Dave n Busters I’m looking at you.

At the end of the day, I didn’t make these decisions lightly. It kept me up for nights on end. It still does when you ask for help with your homework and still make comments about how I should be a teacher when I can barely work anymore.

Did I think this would be my life at 28? No. I thought I would have a family already, my dream job and life. But things change and that is okay. I accept them, you have to too.

I Don’t Need Your Pity

I know I am young. I know the average age for my illness is much older. And trust me I know I am too young to be this sick. Yet here we are. I don’t want you to look at me with that sad look as if my life is over. It’s not, it’s just different and it is allowed to be. It’s doesn’t have to be everything I planned. Or everything you think it should be. It can be new and exciting. I can enjoy the little things and big things, as I see fit and am able.

Here’s My Pitch.

Do you have questions? Well, good ask them. Don’t be afraid too. I would love to answer them. I will tell you whatever it is you want to know. That I know.

Do you know exactly what my disease is? Most doctors don’t either, isn’t that fun?

Have I told you I can’t do the thing you want me to do? Don’t ask me again. You will notice, by the third or fourth time I repeat myself it won’t be as kind. Which I don’t mean to do. It’s just–guys, I’m tired. Always. No matter how much sleep I get, or what I do. I could relax in bed all day. I will be exhausted.

And all I want is to make this easier for both of us. I struggle with canceling plans or leaving early. Being unable to help when I used to be able too. Not going to places I want to go. It’s always a fight and it’s not exactly one I am winning here. So let’s work together.

#menieresdisease #menieresdiseaseawareness #menieresawareness #vestibulardisorder #chronicillness #chronicwarrior #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #chronicallyfabulous #chronicallyawesome #hard of hearing #hearingloss #livingwithinvisibleilless #butyoudontlooksick #balancedisoder #brain fog

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365daysofsasuhina · 5 years

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[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Forty-One: Dreaming Again ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

“Sasuke...oi, Sasukeee...wake up!”

Jolting a bit, the teen freezes for a moment, lost in a fog between dreaming and reality. He’s...where is he?

Snickering and turned around backwards to look at him, Naruto has a foxy grin on his face. “Class is over, sleepyhead! Y’gonna grab your stuff and go home, or just spend the night here and be first to class in the morning?”

Sitting fully upright with a quiet groan, the Uchiha rubs a hand over his face. When did he fall asleep…? Last thing he remembers, they were right in the middle of last period, and then…

“Come on, man! I wanna hit up the store on the way home and blow some of my allowance on some junk food!”

“...you’re gonna turn into a soda and a bag of chips one of these days,” Sasuke then manages to retort, now fully conscious. Weird...he was dreaming so vividly, and now it’s just...gone. Something about a...a sword...and fire? Gah, he can’t remember…!

“Sasuke!”

“I’m coming!”

Once he’s got all he needs for his homework load, Sasuke shoulders his backpack and starts walking beside his self-titled best friend. The pair only live a few blocks apart, so it’s tradition more than anything that they take every walk to and from school together. The blond lives with his godfather, who’s apparently some kind of author…? In all honesty, Sasuke’s never paid that much attention.

They make a quick pit stop at a corner convenience store, Naruto stocking up on all manner of unhealthy drinks and snacks. Sasuke doesn’t know how he does it without gaining weight or breaking out all the time. As freshmen they’re still in their gangly stages, but lately Naruto’s hit a bit of a growth spurt. He supposes he can blame that for his friend’s inability to build fat. All the calories are going into his height.

“You want anything?”

“I’m good.”

“What, really? C’mon, just get something!”

“I’ve got stuff at home! Just...hurry up and get your crap so we can leave!”

It’s only once they head out, Naruto guzzling down a cola that he seems to notice Sasuke looking lost in thought. “Hey - what’s eatin’ ya?”

“Huh? Nothing.”

“Man, you’ve been acting really weird lately,” the blond retorts, squinting. “You’re, like...a top student, but now you keep falling asleep in class! And when you’re not asleep, you’re all...spacey! Like you’re a million miles away! Sure there’s nothing on your mind?”

The question earns a sigh. Something on his mind...well, sort of. But is it really on his mind if he can’t remember it? “...I keep having these really weird dreams.”

“About what?”

“I dunno...I can’t remember any of them. Just weird bits and pieces. But I feel all disappointed when I wake up.”

After a pause, Naruto gets a sly look, elbowing his friend. “Not dreaming about a girl, are ya?”

“What? No! All I could remember today was something about fire, and a sword, and…” It’s all so blurry, and just out of reach…!

“Fire...and swords...sounds pretty epic!”

“I guess? I can’t remember, and it’s driving me crazy! I do the same thing at night...maybe that’s why I’m so tired. Whatever I’m dreaming about is too vivid, and I’m not resting.”

“No idea - I dunno anything about dreams and sleep and stuff,” Naruto replies, sipping his drink again. “...maybe you should see a doc-”

“No, I don’t wanna go to a doctor. It’s just a dream.”

“But you can’t sleep! Heck, I can even see dark circles under your eyes, man!”

That earns a scowl. “I’m fine. I’ll take something to sleep tonight and be right as rain.”

Blond brows wilt, clearly not convinced...but Naruto doesn’t argue any further.

They part ways at the proper intersection, Naruto heading north as Sasuke turns west. As per usual, he finds his aunt still at work, cousin and brother both moved out to attend university classes. Grabbing a glass of water and a random snack from a cupboard, he buries himself into his room, and digs into his homework.

The only break he takes is one for dinner when his aunt gets home, general chit chat about their days filling the obvious absence of the other half of their patchwork family. At least it’ll be Spring break soon, and Itachi and Shisui will be home.

After the meal is done and dishes washed, he goes to finish up his assignments before browsing the internet blandly. But once he starts to get tired, he takes a melatonin from his aunt’s medicine hoard, brushes his teeth, and collapses into bed.

At first...nothing. He just passes into an imageless oblivion.

But the next thing he knows, sunlight finds its way to his face, furrowing his brow before squinting open eyes.

...he’s back.

Staying still, Sasuke tries to memorize everything around him. It’s like he’s in some kind of...park? A few kids run around throwing little paper...somethings at each other, adults standing around to gossip.

Looking to himself, that’s when things start to get weird. His outfit is...well, it’s nothing he’d actually wear. Baggy pants, weird sandals, and a shirt that’s half open and far looser than he’d like.

And there, on his hip! It’s a sword!

Gripping the hilt with a glove-clad hand, he marvels at it for a moment before looking around again. No one seems concerned in the least that he’s armed with a freaking sword.

...okay, he’s gotta look around.

Getting up, Sasuke watches his surroundings carefully. All around him are just...people, but their fashion sense is weird. And almost every person he sees has a strange metal plate on their head, with a...a leaf on it? A swirl? Something. And some, like him, are visibly armed. Be it with swords, or little daggers, or...he doesn’t even know what.

And no one seems concerned but him.

“S...Sasuke?”

Jolting as his name’s called, he looks over and sees a vaguely familiar face: the first time he can recall that happening. It’s a girl from his class - Hinata, something?

She jogs up to him, expression harried. “Are - are you -? That is, um...do you know where we are?”

...wait...is she lost, too? He leans back a bit, clearly unnerved. Is this just his brain conjuring something, or...or is she actually conscious in this, too? “...not a clue. I just...fell asleep, and woke up here.”

“That’s what I did! I’ve been doing this for weeks, and it’s s-starting to drive me crazy! I thought I was the only one...but...how would we both…?”

“No idea, but even if this isn’t real, you’re the only person who’s tried talking to me yet.”

“And you’re the only person who’s replied to me. Have you seen anyone else we know…?”

“No, not yet. So,” he cuts in, trying to change the subject. “You have the same dreams…? I’m not crazy?”

Hinata nods. “I do, but...I only remember vague i-impressions after. It’s like...trying to keep water in my hands. It just drains out, and there’s only a few drops left on my skin at the end…”

“Exactly! Something is...going on. What is this place? I look like a samurai or something!”

“I’d say more like a ninja, right? Samurai have all that...a-armor.” She gestures to her own figure.

“Well whatever I am - or, am supposed to be - why do I keep dreaming it? Er, we, I mean.”

“I don’t know...but maybe we’ll remember now! Since we saw each other…?”

“Guess there’s only one way to find out.”

“Sasuke! Sasuke, wake up - you’re going to be late!”

Jolting awake with a start, Sasuke sits up, wide-eyed as his aunt stands over him. “...wha…?”

“I have to get going, but you’d better get out of bed before you miss your first class!”

He waves her away, burying his face in his hands. He has to remember...he has to…! He’d had a sword again...weird headbands...and that girl, Hinata! She said he looked like a -?

Crap, he’s gonna be late!

Sprinting down the road with an apple in his teeth, Sasuke meets a concerned-looking Naruto, who simply falls into step. “Oi, wait up!”

Sasuke, however, doesn’t slow down. Not until they reach the school with a few minutes to spare. Absentmindedly munching his makeshift breakfast, he cranes over the crowds, trying to spot her.

“What the heck’s gotten into you this morning?” Naruto tries to ask, only to be ignored.

She has to be here somewhere...she has to remember, too!

...there!

Talking to a few other boys in their year, she smiles softly, clutching a book to her chest. Even from here, he can tell she looks exhausted. Not sure if he should call to her - that would earn him a lot of stares - Sasuke instead balks as she glances to him.

Her expression alights with recognition, mouth opening to speak -!

And then the bell rings.

“Come on, Sasuke! We’re gonna be late!”

Glancing back as Naruto tugs his arm, Sasuke looks forward and meets her eyes again. Her face clearly shows disappointed understanding - there’s no time.

...he’ll have to find her later.

Maybe then they’ll find out what’s going on!

Late, guh OTL Guess who's got major chronic tooth / jaw pain the last few days that makes concentrating SUPER hard? This loser! This prompt was...not very inspiring. While I do like this trope, and I'd like to expand on it...I just don't have the time ^^; At least not tonight. Maybe someday, lol - I say as I throw it onto a growing mountain of maybe-somedays. Anywho, that's all for tonight! One of these days I'll start doing these before 2 am again...someday...lots of somedays tonight lol - but regardless, thanks for reading!

#uchiha sasuke #hyūga hinata #uzumaki naruto #sasuhina #best years of your life [ au ]#365daysofsasuhina

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joyfulcarefulrecklessbrave · 7 years

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Why are you so tired?

Recently one of my dearest friends has been concerned about how very tired I have been. And she’s right. I have been exhausted. It has been a very long time since I have not felt consistently like I could use a nap. I am always tired. And I am always tired because I am always sick.

Last November I caught a cold that proliferated into a tremendously painful ear, sinus, and lymph node infection (adenitis) that I have ever had. I was on two kinds of antibiotics, one after another, for two weeks. I had a stomach bug on Christmas and was severely dehydrated for weeks afterwards. The antibiotics caused my stomach to writhe and ache, and I was working every day from 9 to 6 with tiny children whom I loved dearly but sneezed in my face constantly. Even so, I was feeling like a human again by the middle of January. Alert and alive and pain-free.

Then comes the end of January. I woke up one morning and realized that {incoming TMI} I had not properly moved my bowels in maybe a week. I have ulcerative colitis/irritable bowel/possibly some other digestive problems and so this is not unusual but definitely a sign that something needs to change. Sometimes I all I need to do is take a laxative, be more careful with my medicine, and everything resets and I’m fine. Sometimes I need to be careful with my diet. Sometimes I need to go into a rehab diet, where I eat nothing but simple carbs and apple sauce for 24-48 hours and take a strong medication to rest & heal my wounded digestive track. Sometimes, none of those things help. By early February I was having severe symptoms, including pain, nausea, bleeding, and total constipation. I knew that my disease was progressing and I was scared and there was not much I could do, given that I don’t have much insurance coverage in the state of Massachusetts and I would not take time off of school to go my doctors in CT.

I ended up in the ER when the nurse practitioner and doctor on call at the health center were concerned that I might have a severe internal bleed. Thankfully, I did not, and I was finally able to manage my symptoms. Every day is a little bit better. However, the entire experience was terrifying in the way that only a degenerative chronic disease can be: everywhere, every day, I was followed by this terrible fear that this might be the rest of my life. That my colon might be falling apart inside of me. That my risk of colon cancer was skyrocketing, that my pain would never go away. I was terrified and I crashed into a depressive episode. My body was healing but my brain lost control. I was depressed, sleeping too much and nauseated by food, missing classes and unable to concentrate on homework or the kids at work or anything. My roommate was worried enough to be preparing to call my parents when I finally, after weeks of worsening depression and anxiety, weeks of lying about how “well” I was doing, for me to finally tell my best friend that I was not okay and I needed help.

I am doing better. I am, every day, feeling a little better. But I am exhausted. I am still exhausted because this is my life. I wake up every day into a world that is too loud, too quiet, too close, too big, too small. On my best days, I am still taking medication to make my body do all kinds of things that it’s supposed to do without any help. I can’t sleep, breathe easy, make it through a whole day without a panic attack or allergic reaction, or even feel things without medication. On my best days with hypotension I have only dizzy spells; on my worst, I faint half a dozen times. Some days I struggle to function while disassociating or am running to the bathroom every twenty minutes in agony.

This is my every day, so when someone asks why I look tired, the answer is always because I am. This isn’t a pity party. This is me trying to explain what my life feels like every day. Please don’t question my exhaustion. Please don’t insist that I wasn’t this exhausted two months ago. Maybe I wasn’t, maybe I hid it better, or maybe I really really don’t want to be reminded that I might be getting sicker. Please don’t make me feel like I should be more alert or energetic than I am because sometimes I need to celebrate that I got out of bed at all.

#chronic illness #chronic disease #exhaustion #chronic fatigue #depression #anxiety #ulcerative colitis #irritable bowel syndrome #hypotension #disassociation #panic attack #tired #pain

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brinazzle · 4 years

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During the twelve years he was mayor of New York City, from 2001 to 2013, Michael Bloomberg was an indefatigable “social engineer,” always striving to change people’s behavior for the better (at least in his mind). Whether he was banning public smoking or decreeing that all municipal vehicles go hybrid, his objective was always civic self-improvement. Near the end of his third and final term in 2012, he decided to attack the childhood obesity epidemic. He did so by banning sales of sugary soft drinks in quantities greater than sixteen ounces. We can debate the merits of Bloomberg’s idea and the inequities created by some of its loopholes. But we can all agree that reducing childhood obesity is a good thing. In one small way, Bloomberg was trying to alter the environment that tempts people to overconsume sugary drinks. His rationale was unassailable: if consumers—for example, moviegoers—aren’t offered a thirty-two-ounce soft drink for a few pennies more than the sixteen-ounce cup, they’ll buy the smaller version and consume less sugar. He wasn’t stopping people from drinking all the sugary beverage they wanted (they could still buy two sixteen-ounce cups). He was merely putting up a small obstacle to alter people’s behavior—like closing your door so people must knock before interrupting you. Personally, I didn’t have a dog in this race. (I am not here to judge. My mission is to help people become the person that they want to be, not tell them who that person is.) I watched Bloomberg’s plan unfold purely as an exercise in the richness of our resistance to change. I love New York. The good citizens didn’t disappoint. People quickly lodged the “nanny state” objection: where does this Bloomberg fellow come off telling me how to live my lifeLocal politicians objected because they hadn’t been consulted. They hated the mayor’s high-handed methods. The NAACP objected to the mayor’s hypocrisy in targeting soft drinks while cutting phys ed budgets in schools. So-called “mom and pop” store owners objected because the ban exempted convenience stores such as 7-Eleven, which could put the mom and-pops out of business. Jon Stewart mocked the mayor because the two-hundred-dollar ticket for illegally selling supersize soft drinks was double the fine for selling marijuana. And so on. In the end, after a barrage of lawsuits, a judge struck down the law for being “arbitrary and capricious.” My point: even when the individual and societal benefits of changing a specific behavior are indisputable, we are geniuses at inventing reasons to avoid change. It is much easier, and more fun, to attack the strategy of the person who’s trying to help than to try to solve the problem. That genius becomes more acute when it applies to us—when it’s our turn to change how we behave. We fall back on a set of beliefs that trigger denial, resistance, and ultimately self-delusion. They are more pernicious than excuses. An excuse is the handy explanation we offer when we disappoint other people. Not merely convenient, it is often made up on the spot. We don’t exercise because “it’s boring” or we’re “too busy.” We’re late for work because of “traffic” or “an emergency with the kids.” We hurt someone because we “didn’t have a choice.” These excuses, basically variations on “The dog ate my homework,” are so abused it’s a wonder anyone believes us (even when we’re telling the truth). But what should we call the rationalizations we privately harbor when we disappoint ourselves? Mere “excuse” is somehow inadequate to describe these inner beliefs that represent how we interpret our world. An excuse explains why we fell short of expectations after the fact. Our inner beliefs trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage lasting change by canceling its possibility. We employ these beliefs as articles of faith to justify our inaction and then wish away the result. I call them belief triggers.                                       1. If I understand, I will do. Everything that I am going to suggest in this book works. It doesn’t “kind of” work or “sort of” work. It works. My suggestions will help you understand how to close the gap between the “ideal you” and the “real you.” However, this does not mean that you will do it. People who read my writing sometimes tell me, “It’s common sense. I didn’t read anything here that I don’t already know.” It’s the default critique of most advice books (you may be thinking it right now). My thought is always: “True, but I’ll bet that you read plenty here that you don’t already do.” If you’ve ever been to a seminar or corporate retreat where all attendees agreed on what to do next—and a year later nothing has changed—you know that there’s a difference between understanding and doing. Just because people understand what to do doesn’t ensure that they will actually do it. This belief triggers confusion. It also pervades the fourteen belief triggers that follow. You may be familiar with them. You may think they don’t apply to you. This is a belief worth questioning, too.                                               2. I have willpower and won’t give in to temptation. We deify willpower and self-control, and mock its absence. People who achieve through remarkable willpower are “strong” and “heroic.” People who need help or structure are “weak.” This is crazy—because few of us can accurately gauge or predict our willpower. We not only overestimate it, we chronically underestimate the power of triggers in our environment to lead us astray. Our environment is a magnificent willpower-reduction machine. In The Odyssey, Homer’s classic work from circa 800 BC, the hero Odysseus faces many perils and tests on his return home from the Trojan War. At one point his ship must pass the Sirens whose haunting voices lure sailors to their death on the rocks near shore. Odysseus wants to hear the Sirens so he puts wax in his men’s ears and ties himself to the ship’s mast so he can safely hear the Sirens’ singing without going mad. He knew willpower alone wasn’t enough to overcome the Sirens’ temptation. Unlike Odysseus, few of us foresee the challenges we will face. As a result, the willpower we assume when we set a goal rarely measures up to the willpower we display in achieving that goal. Something always comes up to sink our boat. This belief triggers overconfidence.                                              3. Today is a special day. When we want to make an excuse for errant behavior, any day can be designated as a “special day.” We yield to impulse and short-term gratification because today is the Super Bowl, or my birthday, or our anniversary, or my day off, or National Cookie Day (December 4 if you don’t already know). Tomorrow is back to normal. We’ll be our usual disciplined self then. If we really want to change we have to make peace with the fact that we cannot self-exempt every time the calendar offers us a more attractive alternative to our usual day. Excusing our momentary lapses as an outlier event triggers a self indulgent inconsistency—which is fatal for change. Successful change doesn’t happen overnight. We’re playing a long game, not the short game of instant gratification that our special day provides.                                                  4. “At least I’m better than...” In a down moment after failure or loss, we tell ourselves, “At least I’m better than _________.” We award ourselves a free pass because we’re not the worst in the world. This is our excuse to take it easy, lowering the bar on our motivation and discipline. Other people have to change more than we do. We’ve triggered a false sense of immunity.                                                       5. I shouldn’t need help and structure. One of our most dysfunctional beliefs is our contempt for simplicity and structure. We believe that we are above needing structure to help us on seemingly simple tasks. For example, as Dr. Atul Gawande reported in The Checklist Manifesto, central line infections in intensive care units virtually disappear when doctors follow a simple five-point checklist involving rote procedures such as washing hands, cleaning the patient’s skin, and using a sterile dressing after inserting the line. For many years, despite the checklist’s proven success rate, doctors resisted it. After years of medical training, many doctors thought that the constant reminders, especially when delivered by subordinate nurses, were demeaning. The surgeons thought, “I shouldn’t need to use a checklist to remember simple instructions.” This is a natural response that combines three competing impulses: 1) our contempt for simplicity (only complexity is worthy of our attention); 2) our contempt for instruction and follow-up; and 3) our faith, however unfounded, that we can succeed all by ourselves. In combination these three trigger an unappealing exceptionalism in us. When we presume that we are better than people who need structure and guidance, we lack one of the most crucial ingredients for change: humility.                                              6. I won’t get tired and my enthusiasm will not fade. In the morning, when we plan to work long hours and finish our assignment we are not exhausted. We may feel fresh and full of energy. But after we work several hours we become tired and more vulnerable to throwing in the towel. When we plan to achieve our goals, we believe that our energy will not flag and that we will never lose our enthusiasm for the process of change. We seldom recognize that self-control is a limited resource. As we become tired our self-control begins to waver and may eventually disappear. The sheer effort of sticking with the plan triggers depletion.                                                     7. I have all the time in the world. Here are two opposing beliefs that we simultaneously hold in our minds and mash into one warped view of time: 1) we chronically underestimate the time it takes to get anything done; 2) we believe that time is open-ended and sufficiently spacious for us to get to all our self-improvement goals eventually. (Hah! I’ve been promising myself that this is the year I’ll read War and Peace—and have been promising for forty-three consecutive years.) This faith in time’s infinite patience triggers procrastination. We will start getting better tomorrow. There’s no urgency to do it today.                                                     8. I won’t get distracted and nothing unexpected will occur. When we make plans for the future, we seldom plan on distractions. We plan as if we are going to live in a perfect world and be left alone to focus on our work. Although this state of being left alone has never happened in the past, we plan as if this nirvana-like world will surely exist in the future. We get down to work without accommodating the fact that life always intrudes to alter our priorities and test our focus. Earning an undergraduate degree in mathematical economics taught me about the high probability of low-probability events. We don’t plan for low-probability events because, by definition, any one of them is unlikely to occur. Who plans on a flat tire, or accident, or stalled traffic because of an overturned semi on their way to work? And yet the odds of at least one of these events occurring are high. We are all victimized, more frequently than we like, by traffic jams and flat tires and accidents. This belief triggers unrealistic expectations. (Ironically, as I am typing this on a Sunday afternoon, I have just received an email from a client saying, “I have an emergency at work and need to get your considered opinion. Is there any way that we can talk now?” While the probability of her contacting me for an emergency talk on this particular Sunday afternoon was close to zero [she had never done this before], the probability of some distraction happening on Sunday afternoon is pretty high.) In my coaching, I usually work with executive clients for eighteen months. I warn each client that the process will take longer than they expect because there will be a crisis. I can’t name the crisis, but it will be legitimate and real—for example, an acquisition, a defection, a major product recall—and it may dramatically extend the time they need to achieve positive change. They cannot predict it, but they should expect it—and it will distract them and slow them down.                                        9. An epiphany will suddenly change my life. An epiphany implies that change can arise out of a sudden burst of insight and willpower. It happens, of course. An alcoholic hits rock bottom. A gambler goes broke. A nasty executive is threatened with dismissal. And for a while, each of them sees the light. But more often than not, an epiphany experience triggers magical thinking. I’m skeptical of any “instant conversion experience.” It might produce change in the short run, but nothing meaningful or lasting—because the process is based on impulse rather than strategy, hopes and prayers rather than structure.                                                     10. My change will be permanent and I will never have to worry again. The Great Western Disease is “I’ll be happy when...” This is our belief that happiness is a static and finite goal, within our grasp when we get that promotion, or buy that house, or find that mate, or whatever. It’s inculcated in us by the most popular story line in contemporary life: there is a person; the person spends money on a product or service; the person is eternally happy. This is called a TV commercial. The average American spends 140,000 hours watching TV commercials. Some brainwashing is inevitable. Is it any wonder that we so casually assume that any positive change we make will change us forever? It’s the same with behavioral change. We set a goal and mistakenly believe that in achieving that goal we will be happy—and that we will never regress. This belief triggers a false sense of permanence. If only this were true. My research involving more than 86,000 respondents around the world on changing leadership behavior, “Leadership Is a Contact Sport,” paints a different picture. If we don’t follow up, our positive change doesn’t last. It’s the difference between, say, getting in shape and staying in shape—hitting our physical conditioning goals and maintaining them. Even when we get there, we cannot stay there without commitment and discipline. We have to keep going to the gym—forever. Fairy tales end with “and they lived happily ever after.” That is why they are called fairy tales, not documentaries.                                           11. My elimination of old problems will not bring on new problems. Even if we appreciate that no change will provide a permanent solution to our problems, we forget that as we usher an old problem out the door a new problem usually enters. I see this all the time with my successful clients. They all agree that the euphoria of achieving their dream job of CEO vanishes by the second meeting with the board of directors. The old problem of becoming CEO has been replaced by the new problems of being CEO. This belief triggers a fundamental misunderstanding of our future challenges. Lottery winners are a notorious example here. Who hasn’t imagined the worry-free bliss that comes with sudden riches? And yet, research shows that only two years after winning the lottery, the winners are not that much happier than they were before they collected their checks. The big payday solves their old problems of debt and paying the mortgage and funding their children’s schooling. But new problems immediately appear. Relatives and friends and charities suddenly appear expecting a generous handout. The old problem of a cheap home in a neighborhood with old friends has been replaced with the new problem of an expensive home in a new neighborhood with no friends.                                             12. My efforts will be fairly rewarded. From childhood we are brought up to believe that life is supposed to be fair. Our noble efforts and good works will be rewarded. When we are not properly rewarded we feel cheated. Our dashed expectations trigger resentment. When I coach leaders, I insist that they pursue change because they believe in their hearts that it is the right thing to do. It will help them become a better leader, team member, family member—and by extension improve the lives of the people in their immediate orbit. It will help them live the values that they believe in. If they’re only pursuing change for an external reward (a promotion, more money), I won’t work with them because 1) there are no certainties that we’ll get what we want, 2) if the reward is the only motivator people revert to their old ways, and 3) all I’ve done is help a phony succeed. Getting better is its own reward. If we do that, we can never feel cheated.                                                  13. No one is paying attention to me. We believe that we can occasionally lapse back into bad behavior because people aren’t paying close attention. We are practically invisible, triggering a dangerous preference for isolation. Even worse, it’s only half true. While our slow and steady improvement may not be as obvious to others as it is to us, when we revert to our previous behavior, people always notice.                                                      14. If I change I am “inauthentic.” Many of us have a misguided belief that how we behave today not only defines us but represents our fixed and constant selves, the authentic us forever. If we change, we are somehow not being true to who we really are. This belief triggers stubbornness. We refuse to adapt our behavior to new situations because “it isn’t me.” For example, it is not uncommon for me to work with an executive who makes comments like, “I am no good at giving positive recognition. That’s just not me.” I then ask these people if they have an incurable genetic disease that is prohibiting them from giving people the recognition that they deserve. We can change not only our behavior but how we define ourselves. When we put ourselves in a box marked “That’s not me,” we ensure that we’ll never get out of it.                                                  15. I have the wisdom to assess my own behavior. We are notoriously inaccurate in assessing ourselves. Among the more than 80,000 professionals I’ve asked to rate their performance, 70 percent believe they are in the top 10 percent of their peer group, 82 percent believe that they are in the top fifth, and 98.5 percent place themselves in the top half. If we’re successful, we tend to credit ourselves for our victories and blame our situation or other people for our losses. This belief triggers an impaired sense of objectivity. It convinces us that while other people consistently overrate themselves, our own self-assessment is fair and accurate. Overconfidence. Stubbornness. Magical thinking. Confusion. Resentment. Procrastination. That’s a lot of heavy baggage to carry on our journey of change. All these rationalizations, some profound, some silly, still don’t completely answer the larger question, Why don’t we become the person we want to be? Why do we plan to be a better person one day—and then abandon that plan within hours or days? There is an even larger reason that explains why we don’t make the changes we want to make—greater than the high quality of our excuses or our devotion to our belief triggers. It’s called the environment.

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blissfulmomentsevents-blog1 · 7 years

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Anxiety Disorder - How it Ruined My Life and How I Cope With it Now

I suffered severely from anxiety and depression for more than 30 years. It got worse during high school, and even worse later on, as if it were deliberately trying to make my life as miserable as possible. This is my story of great emotional pain, long years of isolation, misery and utter hopelessness and how I gradually found my way out of this dismal tunnel of despair and into the light of wisdom, joy and great relief.

Along with all the nagging problems one usually gets when growing up, the symptoms of panic disorder and not at first knowing what they were, devastated my days at school and ruined my concentration with schoolwork. I would come home completely exhausted, unable and frustrated to focus on such a thing, especially homework. I had a very limited life that is social no girlfriends. http://clashofclanscheats.us/ I suffered for what seemed like an eternity from social anxiety, loneliness, severe acne, mysterious weight loss, and crippling depression. I had an extreme dislike of most kinds of team sports and had a really hard time trying to fit in anywhere. From grade school to school that is high I suffered much hazing from others and much rejection and "unrequited love" from users associated with the opposite sex we felt attracted to, resulting in a vicious cycle of continued social anxiety, resentment of other's popularity and success, and my overwhelming feeling of rejection, isolation and alienation.

The suffering continued through university (where I studied nutrition, psychology, astronomy and especially art) and into my work years. I could only find jobs that had been simple and stress free such as gardening, handyman and painting type projects. I finally had a job taking care of an office building with a garden and fountain that required much continuous maintenance and support. I am still working there today.

Throughout the '70s, '80s and '90s, I tried in vain to find the reason behind my suffering through religions, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. only become severely disappointed by their "its all in your head" diagnosis! It seemed FAR worse than just "anxiety neurosis" or the later diagnosis of "anxiety disorder"! I couldn't believe it. I thought I either had to have heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, strokes, tumors, diabetes, lead poisoning, mercury, DDT, or any combination of the above! You name it, It felt like it was had by me! But, over and over all my tests revealed nothing substantial or really significant, no toxins, no poisons, nothing that made sense or was helpful.

I tried counseling, Christianity, Christian and Religious science, eastern religions, meditation, yoga, and positive thinking for many years, but still my problems only got worse. I started feeling more and more like a nutcase and a good candidate for insanity as more and more of my relatives and buddies gave me the "its all in your head so snap from the jawhorse" insult-to-injury "treatment." Nearly all of my acquaintances had no understanding or sympathy for my chronic problems me alone so they left. I spent most of my time very much alone and isolated. Being with people scared me so much I often had to run to an isolated, quiet room or area where no people were around. I could not fill any forms out or sign my name on my check or credit card receipt in public because I would shake too much. A number of my signatures looked absolutely bizarre and any forms filled out illegible. I went through hell just trying to fill out a job application that is simple.

Conversations would end abruptly I was going to say next and would have trouble remembering what the other person said because I kept losing track of what. I would have to stop in mid sentence, because I could not complete it, resulting in incredible embarrassment, another anxiety attack, and feeling like an idiot. This mental block would nearly always happen at the worst possible or critical moment such as when having to explain a very serious problem, during an emergency confrontation, or speaking in front of a group of people, resulting in an incredibly severe fear of public speaking and socializing of any kind. Whatever it was, when I needed it the many, I would have it the least!

I also had many symptoms that are physical that drove me crazy. My heart kept beats that are skipping and/or speeding up and keeping awake through the night (especially if on ANY kind of medication), making me think I was having a heart attack. We would usually have horrible nightmares then wake up terrified in a cold sweat and confusion that is total. I would not be able to sleep again until five in the morning. Then I would have to sleep all day to compensate for the nightly insomnia and to cope with the devastating stress, vertigo, and depression. I additionally felt a great sense of unworthiness, tiredness and fatigue that drove me nuts whenever I needed to get anything done. Expenses would accumulate, and I could never get ahead financially, no matter how hard I fought the overwhelming urge to sleep all the time, especially after eating. Greatly misunderstood, I had been considered by others as really lazy, under the influence (also though I NEVER took anything), and a poor achiever or so much "dead wood" as I was unable to support myself. Imagine all this happening while growing up and trying to find my own place in the world!!

After a few anxiety that is massive In 1982, I became almost permanently agoraphobic. In order to avoid terrible panic, We always had to stay within my local neighborhood or within the city limits. This problem was a disaster for dating, and so had to remain lonely. I became more and more angry and cynical about life as I grew older. I would often get so frustrated that I would lose my temper and break things. I must have thought of a hundred different ways to end my life, so desperate was I to stop the severe pain that is emotional but was too afraid to try anything. My life felt like an internal concentration camp or hell on earth. My weight that is severe loss to avoid foods I was "allergic" too even made me look like a concentration camp victim. Nothing I ate would put on weight anyway, it might just go right on through, causing gas that is severe bloating and diarrhoea. Nothing in my life went right, maybe not also my digestion!!!

Throughout this time (early 80's to very early 90's) I tried medications that are various as imipramine, xanax, tranxine, and buspar. They were expensive and only gave me very disruptive and side-effects that are embarrassing no benefits. In fact, It seemed every medication I tried only made my symptoms (depression, panic attacks, spaciness, memory lapses, vertigo, fatigue, and heart that is frightening) much worse, especially the imipramine, which I had to endure two separate trials for 6 weeks. I eventually became so frustrated and upset with medications, I permanently stopped taking them, especially with having to wait for so many weeks for them to "work" only to find they have the opposite effect! This is NOT to discourage other people who are trying medications, especially now that there are so many more available that act faster and have fewer side-effects.

Forced in my situation to try one thing different, I looked into such things as diet, herbs, and alternative medicine. I tried experimenting with diet for many years, but with only results that are limited sometimes even seemed to backfire like the drugs did. However, the total results were enough to convince me to look even further into the subject of nutritional therapy and to verify if such a thing did in fact exist. By the late 80's I had finally developed an "Atkins" type diet high in raw fruit/vegetable juices, cooked green vegetables, and complete proteins, such as fish, chicken and organ meats plus many herbal and nutritional vitamin supplements. This new diet actually seemed to keep my depression and anxiety under a certain amount of (intermittent) control! Because I knew there had to be something to it, I found even more foods that helped and was able to identify foods that did not as I continued throughout the '90s to "tinker" around with my diet. No longer was the notion this 1 could treat emotional problems with just diet a fantasy that is hopeful! It was real! This bit of encouragement spurred me on with even greater thoroughness, fanaticism and great zeal.

As time went on, the diets I found myself on where more and more vegetarian, with continuing improvement, but there was clearly still much room for more improvement. I started drinking loads of water between meals instead of snacking, which resulted in even more improvement that is encouraging. We realized snacking was in itself a cause of many food sensitivities, dental problems, and bad mental, emotional and real reactions that would not otherwise just take place if all food stuffs eaten in a day were grouped together in a single wholesome, complete meal, while the rest of the day is spent detoxifying on drinking water.

In 1994, I wrote a book about an yogic that is entire and lifestyle that's supposed to lead to bliss, enlightenment and wholeness. Naturally, I become extremely obsessed with my health and what I ate and how I ate for many, many years to come. I would often spend all day in libraries, behind books, etc. (and later the internet) doing intense research on diet, nutrition, and neurochemistry. People avoided me personally because diet was all I talked about and found it very difficult to get away from the subject. Careful and limited, scientifically guided eating was my saviour and only hope for existence without fear and crippling depression.

During the end of April, in the year 2000, I transitioned over to an "oval-vegetarian"100% raw food diet (including raw eggs, bee pollen, nuts, seed and spiralina, fruits, greens, vegetables, natural herbs, etc.) with even more improvement in my general health and well-being that is mental. I have ever since disliked the practice of cooking (destroying) good food, and eating meat and pasteurized/homogenized dairy products. I still felt anxious and agoraphobic, but everything seemed easier to manage and had much better luck with yoga and meditation. There is also a very significant "spiritual awakening" side to my story, which can be discovered at the beginning of my book now online.

In January of 2002, I decided to start a website which would serve as an information and research center to encourage the development and change of new ideas related to overcoming all the frustrations, diseases and other hazards of our condition that is human to overcoming all limitations and all forms of suffering. I am interested in alternative, natural, effective, wholesome ways to overcome anxiety, depression, the aging process and many other diseases. I have dedicated my life to the elimination of fear, depression, lack of knowledge, suffering, loneliness, pollution, overpopulation, etc. and to the study of certain controversial subjects such as: life after death, astral projection, breatharianism and many more. I am hoping it's going to be a house that is"light to a lot of browsing of or in need of help.

My next breakthrough that is big in with the discovery of negatively (charged) ionized (alkalized) "microwater" while searching on the internet for a good substitute for a powerful, but expensive antioxidant (Microhydrin) I was presently experimenting with. In the beginning of May, in the year 2002, I set up a water ionizer next to my kitchen sink and started drinking loads and loads of the most delicious water I ever tasted in my life, thinking this was going to help stop the aging process and help me feel a better that is little. It did actually do everything and more. I was fascinated in how this machine that is simple turn mere tap water into seemingly endless amounts of the most useful, valuable, healing, powerful, free-radical deactivating and purifying fluid I ever drank, actually replacing some of the food and antioxidants I used to need and therefore reducing my weekly organic and health food grocery bill by 50% or more. It enabled me to even fast for longer periods between meals, giving me even greater health and freedom from fear, depression and from not having to do all those tasks associated with food as well as its preparation as often. It was no problem whatsoever living on one meal a day, because with the ionized water, that was all I needed. I no longer had any more digestive or "allergic" problems and I gained some weight too for the time that is first my life!

Above all, negatively ionized water has actually reduced my anxiety, fatigue and depression quite significantly, to the point I no longer even feel it! There is a scientific explanation for this: when filtered water is charged with the negative side of a platinum-coated electrode (cathode) its pH (power of hydrogen) is increased usually from around a pH of 6.5 up to 9 or 10. Being "microwater" or water that clumps together in units of 5 molecules each instead of the usual 12 or so water molecules per cluster (as with regular water that is non-ionized it can hydrate living tissue much more completely, and dissolve and transport nutrients much more efficiently than any other as a type of water. It easily crosses the blood-brain barrier and acts as a buffer for metabolic by-products such as lactic acid which has been scientifically proven to be the most likely cause of common anxiety disorders. In other words, my brain was too acidic, and at first, the alkalinity naturally present in most raw foods helped to neutralize some of this acidity, creating some improvement. But this really alkaline, negatively ionized water, has really aided. The ionized water combined with my 100% super-food diet, special adaptogenic herbs, antioxidants, pure moral lifestyle, etc. all work together to turn my depression and anxiety into just pure bliss! All the symptoms that are physical such as rapid and skipping heartbeats, etc. I used to have, have completely disappeared.

The draw-back that is only having to drink massive amounts of it every day and there were still other aspects of my health and anxiety that kept coming back to haunt me. As wonderful as ionized water is and in spite of the the fact I continue to this day to use ionized water and never intend to stop utilizing it, there was still something more to be desired. In the past whenever it seemed to perhaps not work as well as it should, I would either put two ionizers together and double the amount of ionization and/or add a special powder with may in fact be the most powerful antioxidant ever invented, and sure enough, I would find it very satisfying. However, the first idea proved become somewhat awkward putting two units in line with one another because the total amount of water pressure needed seriously to run the second unit had been often greater than can be provided by the first, and the amounts of that special powder needed, at roughly $200 for 4 oz., was too difficult to maintain financially.

All this research finally lead me to another breakthrough that is great more fully understanding my condition and more direct treatments in 2008: The deep significance of alkalinity, that I realized that everything all along was trying to lead to more and more raw, alkaline-forming diet, antioxidants, stress reducing herbs, algae, and minerals. Apart from having to find treatment for other life-long complications such as pyroluria and exhaustion that is adrenal found the main underlying condition of all my nervousness had to be oversensitivity to acidic dietary and metabolic waste which all the antioxidants, ionized water and raw, alkaline forming foods I had been profiting from all along was neutralizing and alleviating. All of this knowledge and other research lead me to the conclusion that why not add vast amounts more alkaline-forming minerals such as the really dolomite that is inexpensive my ionized water and coral calcium to my raw food diet that's already part of my daily regimen? I tried this and found even more astounding results: for instance, the dolomite mixed in with my ionized water seemed to double, triple, even quadruple its beneficent effects exactly as if I had added the same amount of dolomite as Microhydrin, however dolomite, a very inexpensive, widely available, pure white mineral powder, is many, many times less expensive and provided much needed calcium and magnesium in the right proportions which are two of the same alkalizing electrolytes present in ionized water if I had not only run tap water through two ionizers, but also just as! The other three electrolytes are potassium, sodium, and chlorine. I will now be adding some potassium to this mixture along with a pinch of sea salt to complete the balance that is electrolyte see if any more improvements take place.

Every person's situation is unique, so I can't guarantee the same improvements I enjoy from a 100% super-food diet, herbs, supplements, alkaline minerals, and antioxidant water, etc. Also, my story and physiological explanations for my recovery are much more complicated than what I can write down within the space that is limited am allowed here. Just what we know for sure, however, is it is possible to benefit tremendously from ionized water, super-food diets, and uncooked, mainly alkaline-forming, whole vegetarian food with an adequate source of complete protein. I have found in my experience, correct therapy that is nutritional essential to healing regardless of what condition one may be suffering from.

More information and videos related to this article can here be found:

Russell Symonds (Shaktivirya) has dedicated his life to finding wholeness and is living the "wholeness" lifestyle. His website, Science of Wholeness is a spiritual and nutritional information and research center dedicated to helping you find your keys to wholeness (everlasting joy, love, bliss, rejuvenation, and much, much more). Wholeness can be things that are many his website not only discusses all the different aspects of wholeness but also all the different ways toward wholeness. There is no greater thing of beauty, joy and value as wholeness!

The sleep of his original articles and his free book that is online Science of Wholeness I & II can be discovered here:

Read More Articles about Anxiety Disorder - How it Ruined My Life and How I Cope With it Now on my blog http://blissfulmomentsevents.tumblr.com/

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