#i was so fucking viscerally uncomfortable when i saw that and i love it

[so-very-small]

(tw for violence/death in this post; it’s about horror movies but g/t)

im in my Horror Movie era and like. i keep thinking how terrifying would a g/t horror movie be. a tiny protagonist in an oversized world could be so so scary. bugs, animals, unaware humans, even things just like struggling to get consistent meals or finding somewhere genuinely safe enough to rest. you could go psychological thriller about a recently shrunk person struggling to cope. you could have a slasher flick where the slasher is just an unaware giant.

i want Midsommar but it’s a borrower joining a fairy cult. i want Saw where it’s a borrower making traps for humans because they just hate giants. i want Hereditary with the added struggle of a mixed size family dynamic. i want whatever batshit original concepts A24 could do with a g/t dynamic

anyways i think there’s a huge potential for size horror and man. a movie like that would terrify me

#g/t #violence tw #ig? i am being so careful rn i know this a lot of ppls cup of tea #also discresion advised for these following tags #but like. have yall seen Nope. do u know THAT scene from Nope #i dont want to spoil anything but. the vore scene #i was so fucking viscerally uncomfortable when i saw that and i love it #like i love vore! but jesus fucking christ. holy shit. that scene made me realize how scary a gt size story could be #im watching a lot of horror lately and none of them r like. rlly scaring me #idk why i like to be scared so much. catharsis ig. i wanna be terrified

[drefear]

Sister's Mister

Summary: You and your sister are having issues now that Miguel and her are official. Your friends have some opinions, and things finally get heated.

TW: drinking, heartbreak, cheating, family issues.

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

Peter had begun bringing Miguel around more and more, to whom the only person who seemed to dislike this was Miles, but they didn’t interact much. Miles always just kept Gwen close by when Miguel was around, not trusting him around his girlfriend. 

Something about Miguel made MIles uncomfortable, and he tried to tell both you and your sister, but it was no use. Your sister was in love, and you were too visceral to everything now to even comprehend what he was saying. The situation had made you into a shell of who you were. 

One person who found this all very entertaining?

Hobie Fucking Brown. 

Hobie saw you in that nightclub and knew you were the one Miguel had mumbled to him about a few times while he was drunk. Hobie and Peter took Miguel, Jess, and Lyla out a few times since they’d all become friends freshman year and got them all drunk. 

But in the recent few months since Miguel’s summer classes started, he would mumble about some girl under his breath when he was drunk, talk about her like she was a figment of his imagination. 

When Hobie saw you sitting alone in the nightclub, sipping your drink and awkwardly looking around as if searching for an escape route, he knew you were the one Miguel was fixated on. But the poor big bastard was too busy grinding on a girl who could be mistaken for a hooker, so much caked on lipstick and ass almost hanging out. 

Chaos was Hobie’s specialty and when he started dancing with you, he saw a crimson fire burn in Miguel’s eyes. Over your shoulder, he kept winking at the larger of the two, seeing something itch Miguel on the inside of his throat, giving Hobie the idea that he was in for it once they spoke again. 

And then the floozy was dragging Miguel over to you and Hobbie, and this made the alternative boy smile. How perfectly everything was falling into place. 

Hobie pulled you closer, something that had gone unnoticed by the females of the group and had Miguel’s hand almost twitching. 

Weeks had gone by, then he saw you at that party and heard you drunkenly venting. 

“Big and fuckin… stupid, ya know, Gweny? And like… my sister tells me about the sex, Gwen, the sex!” You were barely coherent as you rambled and this made Hobie laugh. He walked off to find his own fling of the night and a few hours later, he saw the big guy carrying out your passed-out body. 

The next day was the pool party and after the heat interaction between you and Miguel, he clapped his hands and laughed. 

“Time for grub, innit? How bout the food now?” He stood and walked to Peter, who hurriedly started passing out food. 

He just sat back and watched, waiting to interfere when he might be needed most, which he had a feeling would be soon. 

Meanwhile, Miguel walked around and finally found Gianna in the upstairs bedroom. 

“Gianna?” He asked and she turned, hugging him. 

“There you are, Miggy! Did you two talk? She still seems really mad.” Gianna bat her eyes and poured a bit, and Miguel felt sick to his stomach. The guilt of wanting you made his mouth dry and his hands freeze. 

“We need to talk.” He took her hand and led her to Mile’s living room. 

“Oh my god.” She covered her mouth and sat down, moving away from him a little. “I guess this was inevitable.” She let her shoulders sag and stared at the ground. 

“Well, I don’t think I’d say it was inevitable. It just started before us, and if I never-“ he looked up once her heard her crying, big tears streaming down her face as she hiccuped a bit. 

“I’m so sorry, Miguel. It’s just- I couldn’t help it!” She gasped and Miguel stopped dead in his tracks. What?

“What are you talking about?” He leaned backwards, frowning a bit. 

“This is about me and my ex, right?” She looked up, eyes glassy and red from crying now. Miguel stood up and furrowed his brows. 

“This- I didn’t even know… did you cheat on me?” The words felt sour in his mouth and like razors on his lips. He stepped backwards and watched as she stood up, reaching towards him. He moved from her hand and glared at the girl. 

“I thought you already knew, wasn’t that what you wanted to talk about?” She looked up to him in shame, then squeezed her eyes shut. “It wasn’t anything much, just a hookup.” 

“I came out here to tell you this wasn’t working because I want someone else.” He blurted out and a hurt expression flashed across Gianna’s face. 

“Who?” 

“Does it even matter now? You’re the one who cheated, I was going to cut things off before anything happened with her.” He started walking away from her. 

“Where are you going?” 

“To go fuck someone else, so I don’t have your taste in my mouth anymore.” He growled and stormed out. He needed to find you. Now. 

But you went home. You snuck out of the bathroom and went home, too embarrassed and hurt to see everyone again. 

How could you face your sister? Ben? Miles and Gwen? Everything was so screwed up, so messy now and you didn’t want to deal with it. You drove home and locked yourself in your bedroom, afraid of the world. 

Days had passed and it was the last class of the semester. You’d been watching your classes online so you didn’t have to leave your house, wanting to avoid everyone and everything. The only time you had to see anyone is when you had to eat, but your mom mainly brought your food to your bedroom. 

Walking onto campus, the sun beat down on you so hard and blinded you behind your sunglasses. You hurried into the lecture hall and bent your head down behind your laptop screen. You needed this final grade, it was an important class for you, but there was only one issue.

A looming presence made you scrunch your eyes shut and curl over your computer more. 

“We need to talk-“

“Class is starting.” You cut him off and fixed the darkened lenses on your nose. 

“Fine.” He yanked out the chair beside you and plopped himself down, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest. 

“That’s not what I meant.” You sighed, giving up and letting him sit there. “Did you study?”

“No.” He answered, as if your question was stupid, “Did you?” 

“I tried, but I couldn't focus.” You slumped, to which Miguel bit his lip. He felt responsible for your distractions. 

“Cheat off of me, then.” 

“What?” You blinked in surprise, uncomfortable with how this sentence made your morality feel. 

“It’s the final, and you know your shit, so if you need to look over to me at any point, just check your answer. I know I’m gonna get an A anyway, this is my whole job.” He rolled his eyes and scooted closer to you, making you suddenly very conscious of the heat of his body near yours and how you looked. 

“F-Fine, but only if I need to, ok?” You stuttered and looked away from him. 

“Only if you promise to talk to me after.” He raised a brow and practically trapped you with just the look in his eyes. 

“Ok, but not here. We’ll get food or something.” You stammered nervously and heard the professor start talking. 

An hour and a half later, you finally finished the test, only glancing at Miguel once through the whole test. A lot of the source material came back to you every time you read the question, only one part stumping you briefly before Miguel held up three fingers and instructed you that it was the third option. 

Walking back out into the sunlight, Miguel grabbed your jean loop and stopped you from running away. “We’re taking my car, since you’re basically an escape artist.” You gulped, seeing how intent he was with speaking with you seriously. Every bone in your body was hesitant and afraid of what he might say, you knew him and Gianna broke up shortly after the fight you had with him and your bathroom excursion. She didn’t want to talk about it, and you didn’t particularly want to talk to her. Everytime you two even made eye contact, bile rose in your esophagus and you choked on the stifling shame of how you felt for her ex-boyfriend. 

Miguel followed you to his car and had you in the front as you watched everything pass by, thinking about how badly life had crumbled the past few weeks. 

Miguel’s hand gripped the steering wheel tighter as he saw you so quiet and upset. He hated this side of you, sad and hurt, but it seemed that this was the only side he brought out of you. 

He finally parked after the silent ride and walked around to get the door for you, waiting for you to jump out and also grabbing the door for you as you both entered the coffee shop. You’d never noticed him being a gentleman before, maybe because you’d never even given him the chance. 

You sat at a table inside and leaned on the wall beside you, too tired to even sit upright. He stood on the line and ordered coffee for you both, as well as a breakfast sandwich. You stared at his tall frame as he took the seat in front of you and sighed. 

“We should get some things out of the way.” He started and you nodded quietly. “I’ll begin with what happened . Your sister and I broke up because she cheated on me and I like you.” 

He spoke like this was obvious but your eyes widened in shock. 

“She cheated? With who?” 

“Some guy in her honors biology class. It wasn’t a big deal, we weren’t that serious and it was only two months.” He shrugged, sipping his black coffee as you milked yours with sugar and cream. 

“But still…” You trailed off and bit your lip. You felt his hurt, but he seemed so indifferent that it made you think again and then remember what else he said. “You like me?” 

His eyes found yours and he nodded.  “I liked you before I knew her, I’ve thought about you since the summer classes started.” He rubbed his thumb across his bottom lip, like he was thinking, and the movement had you mesmerized. “Never knew your name, and when I met Gianna, I liked her because she resembled you, but then I was always around you and I would get angry and bitter because I had gotten so close, yet it wasn’t you.” Miguel rambled, running a hand through his brown hair and sighing in frustration from trying to explain his emotions. You grabbed the hand from his hair before you even realized what you were doing and held it on your own, then dropping it and blushing. 

“I uh-” 

Without waiting for your response, he grabbed that hand again and held it. You sat in silence for a second and stared at where your bodies now met. “You run through my mind like you have no idea.” his hand brushed yours once more and you realized something. 

“You were the one who helped me when I was drunk at Miles’s party.” 

“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling a little. 

You two sat there for hours, talking and laughing as you shared stories and feelings, as if a weight was lifted from both of your shoulders and you could be open to the other now. 

As you threw your head back from laughter to something he said, you heard someone call your name from behind you as you turned and met the eyes of the one person who wouldn’t understand. You both froze, fear chilling the entire area around you all. 

“Gianna?”

Tags: @ihateuguys @spontaneousleo @ginger23 @y2cade @alex110370000 @winteringfalls @neverlandlostchild @haileycannotcometothephonern @loser-alert @idk-sam@bunnyrose01 @minalovesyoubabes @thedevax @arquiiva @freehentai @vonev @rue-ting @darkfairy102190 @iamv1n @teresalesbian @killykstudio @topreice @artyanimi@hrlzy @mikotoguilty @ceoofmiguel @jotarossshark @i-want-to-be-your-dreamgirl @arquiiva @loonalockley @spiderwriter2099 @mikotoguilty @scaleniusrm @angel-xx-1 @siidmm @tayleighuh @zaunsin @imheretoread @lazyotakuofficial @callmeurslxt-pls @angelaut0matec @vonev

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#miguel spiderverse #miguel x reader #miguel o’hara smut #miguel o’hara #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel spiderman #miguel smut #miguel o'hara #atsv miguel #angst

[kaiju-krew]

Hey there! Firstly, big big fan of your art and headcanons, ty for your cool and awesome big brain ❤️ Now that you’ve seen the movie, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on Shimo??? I’ve just seen impressions of her so scattered. (I saw your post on how she will NOT be treated as a pet, and I so appreciate that.)

I will say, for me the ‘old gal’ vibes are so strong and I’m here for it. Like when Goji blasts his atomic breath into the sky at the end and she’s looking at it with such awe and her cute super gummy smile, it reminds me of when a grandma gets shown some common piece of technology that the rest of us are used to, but she just can’t heckin believe it because she lives in a damn cave??? I loved that.

hi hi! omg u think i have a big brain...... compliment of the century.... i must have ppl fooled bcuz i am viscerally dumb most of the time

anywAYS. gxk spoilers below (and a lot of ranting)

shimo my beloved💙 i appreciate most interpretations of her, besides people who are just straight up caling her a dog. and like, not in the way i’d compare goji to a cat? for me it's more mannerisms based, so for goji my main expression/mannerism inspirations are cats, wolves, and komodo dragons (obviously), and for mosu it's owls and cats, with a crumb of horses because of their 'ear' communication so i use that with her antennae.

sorry for tangent but anyways. i dont need someone barking at me that i call goji a cat/draw him acting like a cat so calling shimo ‘kong’s pet dog’ is fine. i think its the difference between goji having the personality i characterize him with + mannerisms inspired by other animals, vs. him having no personality besides Being A Cat. like, he’s a dumbfuck but he’s clearly an intelligent creature capable of communication and understanding. i make a lot of shitposts but truly in my personal hc i’d never reduce him to ‘pet level intelligence’

i think i’m extra touchy about people calling her ‘kong’s pet’ because like. dawg. did you watch the movie? she was JUST freed from being skar’s slave/beast of burden/abused pet whatever you wanna call it. why would you want her to become another creature’s pet again?(obviously minus the abuse) idk mannn it just feels…. reductive somehow. she clearly shows intelligence and understanding when she realizes what’s happening during the fight and helps to kill skar. i just refuse to reduce her entire character to kong’s pet status bcuz that makes me uncomfortable asf.

as a disclaimer, you’re welcome to have whatever hc you enjoy. me expressing my personal thoughts on the matter isn’t an attack on anyone who characterizes her that way, i’m just not interested in engaging with it in the slightest.

DOUBLE ANYWAYS i just needed to get that outta my system. TIME FOR CUTE FUN IDEAS YAHOOO

i’m seeing mixed info about her age so idk where she actually sits there?? i remember seeing something like she’s the First Titan but i also think the novelization of the movie said she’s only 3 million years old?? when im p sure they’ve said goji is 250+ million years old so…. i have no clue there lol. personally she feels less jaded and grumpy than goji does to me so my brain automatically sees her as similar or younger bcuz of my Grumpy Old Man bias.

i’m still workin out my ideas for her but based on how the movie ends i like to think she helps kong with relocating the apes to a better home, and they mostly live in HE. her n kong venture up for surface dates bcuz she gets what she fucking deserves 💙

goji nearly has an aneurysm the first time they come up, since mosu literally takes them for a lil tour of monster island. bro standing there clenching his fist like the arthur meme, he begrudgingly knows she’s right and eventually he gets used to it

i got more ideas cookin for her but this post is already too damn long cuz of my ranting time to stfu

SHIMO BEST GIRL 10/10

#gxk spoilers #kai talks #KAI FKIN YAPS SOMEONE SHUT ME UP #godzilla #mothra #shimo #kong #didnt have time to spellcheck dont @ me

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Ships: every SCOY pair

I see you, villain, I see what you are doing and it is not going to work. I will not rewatch SCOY. 

I love this show for what it says, I love getting a chance to see all the “undesirables” getting romance, and not just getting romance, but being actively pursued in those relationships. Never know what you’re gonna get out of Cheewin, but I am forever grateful to him for this show. 

So, without further ado, here is what I think about every SCOY pair. 

Toh and Nuea 

[by the way, I wrote this and then saw @ginnymoonbeams response, so please note I did not copy her, that just how Toh and Nuea are, and I thought the similarities in our responses were too funny to change how I wrote about them]

You’ve heard of bi4bi, you’ve heard of t4t, but you know what I don’t think we ever get enough of? Freak4freak. 

Part of the reason I do desperately owe this show a rewatch is because I fully skipped through a lot of the first couple episodes because I was extremely uncomfortable with Toh’s obsession with Nuea and how he was collecting things from him. But, now I love my little fucking freak, and love Toh and Nuea even more knowing that Neua a) knew that Toh was stalking him from the jump and b) was Here For It! 

So I want to go back and watch it from the beginning, without skipping through those parts this time. Billy and Seng have great chemistry, once we actually get to them in a relationship I feel like Toh and Neua make sense together, and I believe their attraction to each other 100%. I love how horny they both are for each other all the time, and how much they want to just be making out in the car instead of actually participating in necessary life tasks, like going to school. I swear to God I have never seen a character with such visceral stars in his eyes as Toh has when he looks at Nuea. Nuea and Toh are so obsessively in love it makes me homophobic, and I wish them many more happy years of collecting Nuea’s straw wrappers and recycled soda cans. 

Also, I love that they are verse. 

Also also, and I am so sorry but I do just have to say that the first thing that always pops in to my head when I think about Toh and Nuea is how fucking sweaty Toh is all the time. Billy and Seng worked well together, they are phenomenal actors, but dear lord did it pull me out of a scene sometimes seeing Toh just absolutely drenched. 

Sky and Khaojao 

This is how you do blushing maiden. I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone before, and I will attribute some part of that to uncertainty and anxiety. There is some part of me that really believes that I too would struggle with initial physical advances, and so I love every single character that both reacts to their own anxieties around intimacy while at the same time being brave enough to push past it. I love the scene where Jao pulls away like he’s timid and shy about making out or having sex with Sky, and Sky puts a stop to the action, only for Jao to be like “you don’t have to stop”. Incredible. Phenomenal. Show stopping. 

I love watching Jao’s self confidence and security blossom throughout the show as he started letting himself believe Sky wanted him and loved him. They are so great together, I love how much of a unrepentant fool Sky is for his boyfriend. I want Sky and Jao to be fucking all the time so I can systematically steal all of Sky’s shirts while he is otherwise occupied. 

And I seriously don’t know what they are putting in the water at Idol Factory but again, Heng and Surprise had incredible chemistry. Such good chemistry in fact that I despite knowing they wouldn’t actually do it, I would Not Be Mad if Dr. Chalothorn met a certain handsome technical specialist while working with the detective force…all I’m saying is another show with a HengSurprise match up? I would like to see it. 

That said, I think my biggest difficulty with their plotline is that Secret Crush on You is about how all the people that are normally sides in these shows, the neurodivergent freaks, the trans kids, the fat kids, etc. are also attractive, worthy, and deserving of love but Jao isn’t fat. And it’s a hard thing for me because I love Surprise, I loved Surprise in that role, I don’t think I would have wanted another actor in there, or that the chemistry would have been the same. But I wish Jao had been fatter. 

Intouch and Daisy 

Shan, I am being so incredibly serious when I say Intouch and Daisy mean everything to me.

I will never ever be over these two. I wish, I wish with my whole entire being that we had had a bit more time with them. I don’t need a whole show. But Daisy is such a beloved character, she is oh so very dear to me, and with the emotional rollercoaster Daisy went on over the course of this show, she really deserves some dedicated time to be loved. I’ve said before one of the things I love about Thai BL is how frequently you have non-cis people just living life, vibing, existing etc and how that feels revolutionary. But despite how frequently I see non-cis people in Thai BL, I feel like we are still severely lacking in ~Gender~ romance. We have Yok in Only Friends, we have Mae in 3 Will Be Free, Molly in The Warp Effect, Ah Jain in About Youth and that’s pretty much it. 

Every moment Daisy and Intouch were on screen together, there was instant joy, and to this day, almost a year after I watched that show for the first time, I still get fleeting thoughts about the translator’s note that said (paraphrasing here) “wish there was a way to explain how Touch’s way of speaking is so respectful to Daisy’s identity”. Like?????? That’s poetry to me. 

They are a gorgeous little couple and I love them dearly. 

Kongkwan and Fon 

Becky and Freen have incredibly tangible chemistry that makes it so easy to read these two as girlfriends immediately. We got like thirty seconds of them but within that time frame we did at least get sexually suggestive jokes, and an obvious and confirmed relationship between them. To that I say let’s go lesbians!

Send Me a Ship and I’ll Share My Thoughts

#ask game #what i think of ships #secret crush on you #scoy #toh x nuea #nuea x toh #billyseng #sky x khaojao #sky x jao #hengsurprise #intouch x daisy #kongkwan x fon #freenbecky

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

To whom would you recommend Poor Things, since you mention it's Not for Everyone? Who are the ones it is for?

tbh idk who it's for, other than Definitely Me! but the plot centers on (sort of a spoiler but it's in the first act and i knew this going in) a woman brought into being when a dead woman's corpse was reanimated by putting in her head the brain of the baby she was pregnant with, which is a Big Premise in general and which is, to say the least, uncomfortable for many people because it's definitely the case that there's a period of like maybe a few months to a year max between when she has the brain of a literal newborn baby and when she starts having sex which the movie frames as consensual. i don't agree with people saying the movie is child abuse apologia because i think the movie is pretty clear that the character's development follows non-realistic story logic of the kind one might be expected to find in a story with this sort of gonzo premise (like... "reanimated corpses with baby brains in adult bodies brought to life through zapping exhibiting rapid development" are not a class of people that exists in the real world and i am simply not concerned about what this movie might have to say about them, because of how they are pretend and made up), but i definitely understand why someone would just viscerally be like "gross, i don't want that." the friend i saw it with also did not care for it although she said it was worth watching once, i don't think for those reasons but i think it was just a little artsy and weird for her. it has a very splashy visceral style (many shots look like you are watching the reflection on a silver ball rather than the scene itself and that's just one of the Things going on) which i really enjoyed but if you don't click with it you will probably find it annoying. the script mostly sounds very Written in a way that i liked hearing and think it pulls off but will be off-putting to those who don't like any movies with non-naturalistic dialogue. i myself have some Reservations about the earliest portion of the movie from a disability perspective - i think the movie mostly behaves itself, and i do understand why the r-word is in there although i don't know that it rose to the level of necessary i would want that particular word to meet, but there's some questions for sure about what an audience might find entertaining (or, frankly, what they might find uncomfortable) about watching emma stone play someone with limited language & gross motor skills to the degree that she has in this sequence - and the movie's charms outweighed my concerns but i understand why someone would turn it off fifteen minutes in for that reason. i think its depiction of sex work, an emotionally fraught topic for many, has the possibility to annoy or upset people from MULTIPLE angles.

so, who is it for? idk, people who don't mind any of that or at least don't mind any of it enough to have it ruin the movie for them. people who like a good old-fashioned bildungsroman and/or a strongly defined color palettes and/or a movie willing to take Big Ass Swings on every conceivable level start to finish. emma stone diehards (she is truly wonderful operating on a HIGH level of difficulty) and concerned citizens relieved to see mark ruffalo in a proper movie where he's not the fucking hulk. appreciators of national treasure willem dafoe, which, who amongst us. fans of that particular strain of late nineteenth century/early twentieth // late victorian love affair with science & technology & Knowledge & the belief in a perfectible world who also don't mind it if movies (gasp) touch on a variety of intellectual themes or pieces of social commentary without Having Anything Particularly Deep to say about them; relatedly, those who like a romp! (after knives out someone once asked rian johnson about the balance between, basically, making entertaining movies and saying something political, and he said, essentially, that it's not really a balance, it's just that it's only fun if it's smart so the real-world shit winds up in there to make it a more satisfying story, which is literally exactly how i feel like go off sagittarius king, and is why i roll my eyes at people complaining about the empty class commentary of knives out or whatever - yeah it IS in fact primarily interested in providing audiences with an entertaining time rather than starting the revolution or whatever, and thank god - and i think applies to this movie, too, which some detractors accuse of not living up to its intellectual ideals, but which to me feels like a movie that wants to be a good time and a peculiar sort of science-fiction fairy tale and seeks to achieve that by happening to be interested in the world along the way.)

#askbox #media 2k24

[moonjxsung]

so we're all struggling right now huh ... 😭

just want to let everything out, you don't have to read or post this ml <3

tw for sexual trauma mention ? not sure

im really upset recently because i had to cut off the only guy i found myself comfortable being around, and guess why !! he wanted my body !!! 💯💯💯🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🍻🍻🍻🍻👏🥳🥳🍻🎈🎈 no but seriously im really upset. he was an awful texter and communicator, and he knew i had really big struggles with abandonment PLUS attachment. i had to beg him to text me back and just talk to me, which he still didn't unless i was (reluctantly) flirting with him or if i was venting to him and needed him.

we saw each other in person while he was at my work for a while, and then tried to literally have sex with me there ???????? i told him no and brushed him off since i was uncomfortable with it (it's my fucking job hello why are u trying to fuck). about a week before he came to see me, i opened up to him about my sexual trauma and disassociation issues, and he literally said "i don't even wanna touch you now" after. PLEASE TELL ME IF IM TWEAKING BUT THAT REALLY UPSET ME WTF and then also made fun of me when i was having a disassociation episode ummmmm anyway!

i texted him and again begged him to talk to me and asked him why he acted the way he did, and he apologized so i thought he'd change. HE DIDNT 🔥🔥🔥🔥

he continued to flirt and be sexual with me even though i wasn't really comfortable with it, but i was really attached so i let him get away with it even though i knew i shouldn't. then i told him how i was panicking about that old guy at my job (the one i told you about WHO GOT FIRED WE CHEERED) and he completely left me to deal with it on my own and i was PANICKING. i even texted him twice after my meeting and he still to this day hasn't texted me back (i texted two weeks ago). i haven't reached out since and he hasn't checked on me once 🔥🔥🔥🔥 me when i attach to cold nonchalant men who i think i can fix then end up hurting myself 🔥🔥🔥🔥

-🦢

Ohhhhhh classic case of a man only keeping you around because he wants to use you but he’s a fucking terrible person in every sense of the word!!!! I know this trope very well it sounds like my ex 😍 and then they only reach out when they want nudes or to sext and then they disappear again 😍 mmmm yeah do that thing again where you treat me like fucking garbage and I’m too stupid and naive to walk away 😍 so hot

Also not him trying to have sex at ur place of work….. AND THEN WHAT HE SAID WHEN YOU OPENED UP ABT YOUR TRAUMA???? HELLO?????????????? Hoooooly fucking shit I am so sorry I literally had a visceral reaction to READING THIS I want to k!ll him actually

Cold nonchalant men who ghost u unless they want sexual favors in return my beloved 🔥 exactly my type 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 I am so fucking sorry jfc please tell me you’re aware that you deserve SO much better and you dodged a bullet with him 😭😭 sending all my love I guess we really are just going THRUUUU it this week. Who else up ruminating and yearning for the past so they could go back in time and do it differently 😍 feel better bby I’m here if you need anything :( 🫶

#🦢 anon #ask

[mymarifae]

what do you think about the new girl page? seeing lots of divisive opinions on that one

mm. mmmmmm. hoooooooo boy ok let's talk about this. i guess.

to sum it up succinctly? it strikes me as bizarre. like, just bizarre. it's weird on multiple levels and fucks with established characterizations of susie, kris, AND noelle. it's messy and i think it was a poor choice. and for now i'm tentatively bonking toby over the head with a hammer (i will get into why it's tentative for now, rest assured) and i'm also bonking everyone praising it and immediately incorporating it into their views of the characters.

to break it down further...?

in and of itself, it's like. alright, we've got this indirect and yet very clear confirmation that susie was adopted/temporarily housed by (and is still bouncing around in the foster care system) a human family and has/had a "mother" who abuses/d her. so she's lashing out. she's redirecting her pain and trauma onto the one human in hometown. who was also adopted. by a family of monsters. a family that is kind and loving. that's not fair, why didn't she get to be a dreemurr, why did kris steal her chance, this isn't fair this isn't fucking fair-

she's a hurt, scared kid. and i don't necessarily think this is a. well i don't want to say "i don't think this is a bad scene to canonize" because it is a bad scene - it's uncomfortable and it caused me a lot of pain to read. but it's not like unforgivable, and it doesn't make susie a bad person.

i will never hold a grudge against a kid for lashing out when they were never taught love and kindness and acceptance. i will never hold a grudge against a child for being scared and hurt and so so so so angry at the unfairness of the world.

my issues with it arise from the way it just... doesn't... make sense. if susie was truly so horrible to kris, why were they so quick to trust her? hell, why was she so eager to be their friend? there should be a hell of a lot more tension between them. the things susie said to kris were genuinely pretty awful and can't be swept under the rug Just Like That.

it also completely contradicts the way chapter 1 is set up, where we slowly piece together that susie never actually bullied anyone. sure, the way the blog post is written makes it sound like she only went after kris when they were alone, but that kind of visceral hate isn't going to go completely unnoticed. i mean, noelle picked up on it before seeing the classroom incident, yeah? i feel like someone would have said something. and i feel like MK especially would have made one off-hand comment about how much susie seems to hate kris Specifically instead of just repeatedly saying that they've never seen her actually do anything bad, but, b-but, BUT she still sucks kris lol.

also, noelle's "i always thought susie can't be that bad!" comment makes noooooooo fucking sense if she saw this unfold. because she literally saw that yeah. she's that bad.

it puts kris and susie's current easy natural loving friendship in a very weird light, and i very much dislike how many people are jumping to accept it. yes, i also love depth in characters' relationships. i love layers and complexities and tensions.

depth =/= toxic. and that's what this blog post does. it makes it toxic. it makes noelle's crush on susie toxic and uncomfortable as well. (seriously: "maybe i should buy apple shampoo so she bullies me instead? XD" ?????????????)

now you will note that i said i am Tentatively bonking toby over the head with a hammer. there is another reason why i don't like people jumping to incorporate this whole mess into their understanding of kris and susie's friendship:

... how do you know this is a scene from our game's current timeline?

it's pretty obvious deltarune has some fuckery going on irt timelines and resets similarly to undertale. on that same note, i've always loved how quickly susie and kris Click, but it has always made me raise an eyebrow. because that is not two teens slowly realizing they have more common ground than they thought and slowly letting their guards down around each other. that is two already best friends reuniting.

the way i've come to understand it is this: in the very, very, very first instance of "deltarune", it took kris and susie a very long time to become friends. BECAUSE of what happened in the classroom and whatever else. they only began to trust each other a heartbeat away from the end of the world. and then they fail. and then the timeline resets. and they do it again.

and the... feelings, the vague memories and the déjà vu. they linger. distantly, susie remembers a time when they were almost friends. and as the timelines go on, again and again, they just build up. things begin to change. their stories become brighter and brighter, despite ultimately ending in the tragedy that [gaster] wishes to prevent. until we get to this point where susie feels like she should be furious with kris for Something, but she can't bring herself to. and thus our current timeline, the beginning of Our Game, is born.

i stand by my theory that kris and susie's friendship will be what prevents the roaring or the angel's heaven or whatever other apocalyptic events ralsei decides to tell us about later. the red soul's intervention has nothing to do with it. they have lived countless lives together. they know now, just intrinsically, that there's no one they can trust more than each other. they are best friends till the end.

and by god is it going to be a happy one.

toby still gets a bonk over the head if this is the case btw because i ultimately disagree with using "ogh. timelines." as character development but i'll accept it if it means this stupid blog post isn't real (anymore). otherwise, he is going to need to pull some fucking magic out of his ass to explain this properly to me because it literally demolishes 2 chapters of build up and development ABFNDBDKGKFGKFJKGKDG 👍🏾

#i love deltarune very much but i do think toby's writing in many aspects is lacking #ESPECIALLY in terms of timelines and the red soul and player involvement and like. whatever. perhaps he will tie it all in by ch7 but... #as of now that is both undertale and deltarune's biggest weakness. you can twist however you want #but a from a purely canonical viewpoint it doesn't make sense. it Doesn't. we are all extrapolating and guessing and it's annoying #toby is amazing at characters and character interactions and humor and relationships. he is not so amazing at the . meta nonsense. #i'm serious ddlc is the only game that i've played that handled the incorporation of the literal player decently #everyone else just does this weird unexplained confusing Mess and uhghhh. stop itttt stop trying to be 'cool' and 'smart' #just letyour stories be stories. they are real enough as they are. i promise. #anyways... yeah this wasn't it #mailbox

[fierceawakening]

Okay, so speaking as someone who was raised Christian, went full on ex-Christian antitheist, and now practices Christianity in a way that seems relevantly similar to how this person describes their religiosity ("I don't think there is a God, but the rituals connect me to other people and help ground me in my personal values, so I like them anyway")... I've been trying to think of what I dislike about these sorts of post, and I think I finally have hit on it.

People like this are right when they say "people who've abandoned a religion imposed abusively on them can't understand why other people wouldn't do the same thing." I was BAFFLED for a long time by the people at the church I'd left. They were nice! Why would nice people keep doing rituals dedicated to a god that I saw as inherently abusive ("love me or be eternally punished," and they chose "okay then I love you," as I saw it then)? The only way I could make sense of that was to think either they were painfully stupid or they were stuck in the creepy cult I'd narrowly escaped. Either made me feel profoundly uncomfortable.

But the thing that I think people saying that miss is... the people saying that don't seem (to me, anyway, as I read their posts) to understand why someone could have such a violently negative reaction to their culture of origin to want to cast it off entirely.

That's what they're not getting. They're like "but these dietary traditions aren't nearly as confusing as 'is there a God?' so why wouldn't I keep them even if I'm agnostic or atheist? SEE, YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL MY CULTURE."

Where... no, I don't think so. I think the ex-Christian atheist is just so revolted by the thought that they've been part of an abusive relationship ("love me or I'll hurt you forever!") that they want to discard EVERYTHING that reminds them of it, and that because the response that makes you brave enough to leave an abuser is so visceral, "sure but I kept the necklace they gave me, I like it" seems really fucking weird to them.

Ex-Christians are VERY often behaving like survivors who have very recently left abuse. They are not trying to get you to act a little Christian to make themselves feel better. They are not understanding how you can get to "God most likely doesn't exist" without then going "and therefore, I can stop hurting myself, and am free."

They hear you saying your relationship is healthy, but they’re not in a place where they can believe that yet. I wasn’t for a very long time myself! I wouldn’t have tried to demand people deconvert, that would be controlling, but I did Vaguely Worry when they didn’t.

It's not an attack. Give them time, and maybe they can even get to "I do a lot of Christian stuff but don't believe God exists, because some of the cultural bits that aren't toxic as hell are valuable to me.” I got there! I'm weird, but I'm not crazy.

But when you say "It's Christian of you to want to fully reject Christianity," that's baffling. No it's not. It's natural and normal for people to want to jettison anything that remotely reminds them of an abusive relationship they were in.

It's not intentional judgment that makes them not understand why you're not doing the same thing. It’s typical minding.

Which is bad! I’m not saying it isn’t. But it’s not a hidden devotion to a secretly Christian agenda.

[abiiors]

thanks to @bookish-strawberry and @hereyeswerefilledwiththestars for the tags!! here's 15 questions/15 mutuals (all my mutuals have already done this and i definitely do not have 15 people to tag now haha)

are you named after anyone? no, not really. although my real name is incredibly common so 🤷🏽‍♀️

when was the last time you cried? oh god i cry so easily. last time was probably last night because i was already emotional and then i saw the ross and matty video again ("i love you. I'm sorry i make everything a joke") and everyone in the comments was like ross cried after this and i immediately lost it :(( but also i saw a really small kitten being rescued and nurtured back to health with love and kindness and i lost it again

do you have kids? no and i am not sure if i want any but i do have a cat that i treat like my baby so there's that

do you use sarcasm a lot? i try not to. understanding tone/slang and sarcasm is a bit difficult for me sometimes so i just tend to not use it myself. unless I'm in an uncomfortable situation and then it just slips out.

what's the first thing you notice about people? their eyes. also their hands? idk a lot of my nervous tics are hand related so i like to gague people's reactions based on what they do with their hands.

what's your eye colour? dark brown!

scary movies or happy endings? oohh can i not pick both? i love a good visceral, psychological horror but I'm also a sucker for all things sappy and sweet

any special talents? i can skate really well? and ice skate decently. I'm also learning how to skateboard. apart from that, i like to think I'm a good cook

where were you born? western India, not far away from where i live now actually

what are your hobbies? writing and reading, obviously. but I'm also really into painting (even tho I'm quite terrible at it)

do you have any pets? yes! one stupid orange cat that i love with my entire heart. his name is biscuit

what sports do you play/have you played? I'm horrendous at sports, I'm afraid. i don't ever really remember doing it. unless cheerleading counts

how tall are you? 5'2!

favourite subject in school? english, history and chemistry (one of them is not like the others but my chemistry teacher was a fucking angel and always so patient with me)

dream job? i already have my dream job hehe. i edit books for a living. but in another life i would have also loved to have a chemistry related stem job

i'm gonna tag @poisonmedaddy13 @adoringspencer @que--sera--sera @alexturnersmommy @more-multifandom-of-madness @tillthelandslide and anyone else who wants to do it 💞

#tag games #personal stuff #get to know me i guess

[midgardian-witch]

Quick warning at the start here because this is going to get a little personal and there will be some vague trauma/mental health talk (potential tw are tagged)

I wanna talk about Marc.

I really didn't like him when I first watched Moon Knight. When he was first 'introduced' so to say.

I think maybe people aren't supposed to like him at the start. Of course once you get into his backstory, the trauma and everything it gets easy to sympathize with him but when we first meet Marc?

God I thought he was such a jerk.

It grated on my nerves that this adult man couldn't fucking communicate with the people in his life that he loved. That he refused to tell Steven what was going on until he was forced to do so. That he just left Layla with divorce papers he didn't even have the balls to sign himself.

All for their 'protection'.

I had such a visceral reaction to his behavior that I haven't had to the actions of a fictional character in a long time.

Why wouldn't he just tell them? Why wouldn't he open up? Why was he so defensive? Why doesn't he let people help? Why doesn't he-

Now wait a minute.

I knew there was trauma. I know living with trauma and mental illness and fucking life sucks. Why did Marc make me feel so bad when every other character, every other person, didn't?

And then it hit me.

Because I do the same.

I am neurodivergent and I certainly didn't like myself a lot of the time growing up.

I had to deal with a lot of shit when I was younger. Childhood could have been a fuckton worse but it wasn't a joyride either. So how did I deal with that at a very young age?

I didn't.

Duh.

The way I coped with my issues was taking care of other people's issues. Because if I worry about other people I don't have to worry about myself.

Makes sense right?

So I didn't tell people my problems because on the very few times I did I got shut down.

'Everyone feels that way.'

'It'll be better. Just think positively.'

'Other people have it worse.'

So I just stopped talking to people about my issues and focused on their issues.

Which worked for a while. And then it didn't. It started to knaw on me. I got defensive. I got down right mean sometimes.

I was not always a fun person to be around. (I still doubt I am now tbh)

I realized in my late teens/early twenties that that is not the way to cope. So I worked on that. I found people that actually cared and that I could talk to. I learned to even fucking like myself (most of the time).

Enter Marc Spector.

And once it clicked I saw the parallels only adding up more and more. He was this stark reminder of all my past issues, those I figured out how to handle and those I didn't (yet).

And it fucking hurt.

I have seen a lot of people talk about how Steven helped them love themselves. People with autism for example that saw themselves represented. People that saw themselves in him and seeing other people love Steven made them realized that they too can be and are loved.

And I do too! Steven was my immediate favorite. I loved that he was passionate about his special interests, I loved how much he cared and just how sweet he was in general.

But Marc hit me like a fucking train.

Marc doesn't know how to really ask for help. In his mind he needs to take all the issues and burden on himself. He cares so much for Layla and for Steven and wants to help and protect them more than he does for himself.

And fuck did I feel seen. Uncomfortably so.

I love Marc and I love Steven. First of all because they are just great characters but also because of what they represent.

They show that when you are struggling and feeling helpless that even if you don't feel like it: you deserve to be loved. Even when shit gets ugly.

I really don't know how to end this tbh. This is more rambling and trauma dumping than anything else but.

I suppose I just needed to get this off of my chest like a year after the show aired.

And idk maybe people can relate to that too.

#Marc Spector #Moon Knight #moon knight show #tw: mental health #tw: mental illness #tw: self loathing #tw: self negativity #tw: self deprecation #tw: self esteem issues

[rahleeyah]

d.c. anon backkkkkk ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼

first is a question: do you usually watch the episodes live? I wanted to get your take like right away on this weeks ep but didn’t want to bombard you with spoilers 😂

second re: Liv and the shotgun. first thing I thought of? well that’s sexy. and badass. bc if I had personally been through all the shit that Liv has and this was happening to me? You best believe I’d be doing the same. so for me to see all the backlash on this? (safety, kid in the house, etc.) like this grown ass woman isn’t a decorated nypd CAPTAIN and police officer for half her life. like cmon friends. lol.

ok so third I’m LOVING at this continuity piece they slipped in with oc by saying Elliot lost a friend, partner recently. It puts so much into perspective as to why they don’t talk. it also gives the shows and sr’s an out I think. What I mean by that is I know some big accounts on Twitter (and more than one) talk about having one sided conversations on the respective shows. Like why can’t we see a “text” from Elliot or a “call” from Liv? This requires no budget, planning, etc. (and I agree with that perspective) but it just gave us so much. And that’s so positive imo. Like FINALLY we’re acknowledging this pink elephant in the room as to why that hasn’t happened and that was awesome for continuity and esp for progression.

I think it also gives the viewers a chance to be rightfully angry for Liv and at Elliot in a way we haven’t seen yet. He just acknowledged that he was neglectful, selfish, etc. that hasn’t been talked about yet. so we aren’t watching two different shows in two different universes. there is a reason!

In all, I just think that that one comment gave us so much and that has allllllll the potential for this upcoming arc. It’s disheartening to see the negativity about it in twitter, but hey that’s Twitter for ya. 😂

lastly, I say all these things with respect and a little bit of humor-never anything seriously negative. I know how tone can be weird through the screen and would never want to come off that way or disrespect anyone in any way 🥰🥰

welcome back! lol

first - i do watch episodes live! i usually don't liveblog or check in on tumblr or twitter, but i always post a little immediate thought when oc is over and my inbox is always open for yelling lol

second - yes. there was an immediate backlash to the visual of it, a backlash that doesn't account for who she is, what we know about her, what we saw, and what we didn't. i'm surprised anyone is surprised she has that weapon at home. i think it makes people uncomfortable, and i understand that, but olivia isn't us. olivia lives a very different life from most of us, and she has a familiarity with guns, and a real, visceral reason to be afraid for her safety, and she had to turn in her service weapon. and of course in the wake of a trauma like that this is how she responds. i personally loved it.

third - yes i'm actually kinda hype for the idea that they had a falling out, or a drifting apart, and they are going to have a chance to choose. when he's healed and she's not trying to hold his life together any more and they both have to think about they really want. i'd rather them be in a fucking fight and angry with each other than find out they were having a lot of important relationship development that we didn't get to see.

bless you anon, thank you for coming back to share this with us

#anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

[sad-sour]

hello again, it’s me, here to word vomit before i make myself crazy but this time it’s about the barbie movie 🤩

the barbie movie sincerely was one of the most incredible movies i’ve ever seen tbh. it was beautiful but it was painful and tbh that’s the essence of being a woman

there were several different themes throughout the movie and fuck i really didn’t think this movie would cause me such incredible amounts of psychological damage 😃

what happened between ken and barbie when ken just starts being fucking MEAN and he’s so mean and it just broke my fucking heart and had me sobbing in the fucking theater because my “ken” was so fucking mean to me and to see this innocent barbie get a verbal thrashing for the first time for the boy who means the fucking world to her just sucked so bad because once he hurts you like that the relationship never recovers. what barbie and ken when through is EXACTLY what it’s like to have a close male friend in childhood who eventually grows up to objectivity and crucify you for not loving them back

“where i see live she sees a friend, what will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?”

like he’s SO obsessed with barbie and she DOES love him but he refuses to accept the love she does have for him because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, like barbie wants to be her own person and she wants that for ken too

it was genuinely such a surprisingly visceral reaction to ken being so fucking mean to barbie, as a little girl you don’t ever get that innocent friendship back once he starts being fucking MEAN and i think that’s so fucking heart breaking bc as a woman who has experienced that kind of thing the it’s just so fucking upsetting to look back on what should be such fond fucking memories only for them to be tainted with what “ken” threw in your face and said

the other plot point that really really got me was the mom shit, like damn everybody said if you got mommy issues fucking watch with caution and they were NOT lying

i’ve got mommy issues bc i’ve got a mom that bullied me and even tho i know she loves me bc she’s my mom it always fucking felt like she hated me, the barbie movie made my heart ache bc it made me feel empty. i have a mom and i’ve always ALWAYS wanted what other girls had. i wanted the mom that wanted to play with me, I wanted the mom that made snacks and picked me up after school, parents that didn’t leave me home alone for an entire weekend when i was only fucking eight years old

i saw this tiktok that talked about how this girl and her mom went to the movie together and they were hugging and crying during the beautiful montage of mothers and daughters and i just felt empty

i couldn’t ever imagine watching that movie with my mom, honestly the thought makes me uncomfortable and that makes me really sad

you know i’m kinda surprised by how much this movie really fucked with me,

doesn’t help that my cousin’s 22nd birthday was a few days before this lmfao

even better she posted a video on insta of her from when we were younger, i saw it and i burst into tears bc that’s my big sister, even if we always wanted to pretend we were twins

we were girls together

we played barbies together and on day that just disappeared…

one day we put down our barbies for the last time, packed them up in those big stupid barbie travel cases for the last time and watched them get sold at a yard sale

we still played together, we played animal jam, poptropica, animal crossing, just dance wii sports but none of that feels as sentimental as when we played barbies together…

i never did that with anyone else

doesn’t help that speak now (taylor’s version) just recently came out as well and listening to a 33 year old taylor sing never grow up just kinda really slapped me in the face you know

she was 9 and i was 8 the first time we ever listened to that album together and it was really special getting to listen to the new version with her too and i’m just in this really weird fucking place in life wondering when the fuck i grew up and how i missed so fucking much of my own life because i don’t really have any memories prior to the age of fucking 16

i turn 22 in 2 months…

and all i’m left with is this yearning for simpler times, times before i knew anything about the world when all i was worried about was my barbies and some new fantastical adventure that we were going to send them on

i’m left with this vague impression of memories from times i don’t fucking remember and the only shit i do remember is the traumatic or sad shit

but you know what i’ll keep my rose tinted glasses on for the few precious memories i do have because if fucking refuse to let reality have all of my girlhood, some of it i get to keep for me

#admin jay

[timeskip]

Amame.

First impression

"Oh my god why is Date looking at her bones"

Impression now

MY EVERYTHING. MY DARLING. QUEEN. GIRLBOSS. OBSESSED WITH HER FR FR AMAME DOI GIRL OF ALL TIME.

Favorite moment

Her entire second somnium BUT ESPECIALLY WHEN THE QUESTIONS COME BACK. WHEN YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S GONE THROUGH. MY GODDDDD IT HURTS SO BAD.

Idea for a story

Her hanging out with Shoma and being a family and trying their best. Even though she's in prison... maybe after she gets out. aLSO I SAW SOMEONE ELSE MENTION THIS SO IT'S NOT REALLY MY IDEA BUT I WANT HER TO TALK TO RYUKI ABOUT REVENGE AND JUSTICE.

Also just... anything about her feelings on Naix...

Unpopular opinion

I don't have an unpopular opinion I just love her... Please don't jump to conclusions here I would never ever ever want her to requite it but maybe that I accidentally started liking Tearer being in love with her just because it's so fucking poetic how she never liked him and ended up killing him for it. Him being in love with her led to his death as he deserved for being a serial killer and creep <333

(And yes, I understand hating it and being uncomfortable with it. That's still kind of my reaction. It's just kind of visceral how he believed her to be FATE and she took his fate into her own hands)

Favorite relationship

I wish I could say Gen but a certain scene makes that a bit difficult. I wish I could say Iris but they don't have enough screentime together. I'll go with her and Shoma. When the. sibling relationships and difficult family moments ;-;

Favorite headcanon

Amame truly loved talking to Iris about conspiracy theories and the like. She loved quiz shows like her father, and she loved learning new things. She loved researching on the internet, and going places with Iris when she had the time.

But after all of that, and Naix not only being real but hurting her... neither her nor Iris can really talk about it the same way anymore.

#amame doi #aini spoilers #aitsf #nirvana initiative

[crushisms]

Just a big personal rant about being touch starved but afraid of intimacy. Being aromantic but desperately wanting a partner. And also just my fucked up head

Been realizing lately that im incredibly touch starved. Thinking back to the first romantic relationship i ever had, my girlfriend Sam, I always wanted to be touching her. Holding her hand as we walked through. Leaning against her shoulder on the schoolbus as I fell asleep.

I was always so upset when she would deny me these things, typically because it was the south and we were two gay middleschoolers. She grew up here around that atmosphere, saw the homphobia and I didn’t, so i didn’t really understand it.

I was really shit at romantic relationships (Likely because I didn’t realize i was Aromantic yet), and I think the main thing I wanted was that physical closeness all the time. I don’t blame her at all for it, but I think that was what broke the camels back for me. 

Before her, I had a lot of male friends and I was around a lot of male predators online. I never quite realised how it would affect me, but I wanted their attention all the time and whenever they talked about how they wanted to touch me, i liked it but i was also so uncomfortable with it. They wanted sexual relationships and I wanted to hold someone. After them i was terrified of being in relationships with guys, even platonically. Because of them I thought I was a lesbian. 

I think when she shrugged off my affection, it made me think that people didnt want to touch me. That combined with the insecurity I had about my body when she helped me realise I was trans just made for a horrible jumble of emotions. 

I shied away from people touching me after that, Teachers putting their hand on my shoulder, my mom’s attempts to kiss my cheek, and even with my brother who i love more than anything. I didn’t want people to touch me, but at the same time I really really wanted to lean against someone. 

My second girlfriend was years later. Sometime during highschool, I really drifted away from all my IRL friends and even Sam who i stayed really close with even after i was really cruel when we broke up. I started having a lot of online friends, and I met my second girlfriend Liv. She was a great friend of mine, and It makes me sad how far we drifted apart after we broke up. With her i could talk about physical contact, i could draw our sonas holding eachother and being in love, but as it progressed I realised I didnt feel the same way she did. 

When i broke up with her, its what made me really realise I was aromantic. I toyed with the label after sam, but I was so in love with the idea of a partner that I shrugged it off and called myself asexual instead. After Liv i realised that i was very much Aromantic, i just couldnt feel that way about them, but it fucked with me so bad because..  still wanted a partner. I didnt want a romantic relationship, but I wanted a friend i could cuddle with, do anything with, my other half. 

After i graduated from highschool, I lost touch with almost every single one of my IRL friends. I still keep contact with two of them to this day, but other than that i dont have a single friend IRL. I gravitated heavily towards my online friends and relationships, since they were all i had left. 

I met some great people and I love them more than anything in the world but i constantly wish i could be right there with them. Grabbing them by the shoulders with excitement, shaking them. Wrapping my arms around them and laying against their chests. 

I’m realizing now theres an exact fucking word for what i want. Queer Platonic Relationship. I want that kind of closeness without the expectation of romance. I need that kind of relationship and it makes me so viscerally sad that I cannot get the closeness I want from the friends I have. I just want to get on a plane and fly over to my friends and hold them close. 

Its really funny I think, how ive been experiencing all of this for years, and ive never thought about it. Ive never gone and unpacked it all before. I’ve been writing more lately, and through that writing its making me realise these things about myself. Theres no real purpose or message or anything behind this rant, I just need to get these horrible little thoughts out of my head. 

I’m gonna go back to writing fics now instead of this monstrosity, but if u read this uhhh hi thanks for dealing with me i guess? Im a mess but i’ll be alright 

#rant #You rlly dont need 2 open this its just mental illness #n the boring unfun kind

[shadowed-dancer]

Incomprehensible ramblings incoming (Spoilers for MHA 350):

I went back and watched the episode where the League meets Ujiko and DAMN I can't look at Nomus the same way again. Just seeing the Nomu made my stomach knot up. At one point I thought I was actually going to throw up. I'm not even joking. I've never had THIS MUCH of a visceral reaction to such a "nothing" scene before. I've cried at movie deaths, I've flinched at fight scenes, but this was literally a still-shot of a Nomu in a tank doing NOTHING and I could feel my stomach twisting.

Like, we always knew the story behind the Nomu is tragic, but I always felt that barrier of "the extra" preventing it from really hitting me just how disturbing the concept of Nomus are.

Nomus were never really "characters". They were made from people but like, in name only. It was horrifying, 100%, but it was just sort of a fact of their backstory. It existed to show how messed up Ujiko is, but since they were introduced as Nomus, it never really affected me beyond "damn, that's fucked up. Ujiko and AFO are evil and I hope the heroes stop them".

Like think about how none of us are sad the OFA users are dead. It's because they started the story dead and were literally written to be dead mentors. We met them when they were already ghosts. No one is here crying that Nana is dead because, like, that's the whole point. She was written to be the dead mentor. We never lost her because we never even had her. But if All Might died, then I think most of us would be pretty distraught.

In a way, it's the same with Shirakumo/Kurogiri. Shirakumo wasn't an established character (in the main series) beforehand. Yes, his brief story is sad (much sadder when you read his chapters), but in the main series, he's literally introduced as "a kid who got turned into a Nomu". There was just this level of disconnect, like Shirakumo as a character existed for this specific plot point. Horikoshi didn't create him for a purpose beyond that. It's not like we lost Shirakumo along the way and then learned about his tragic fate, he was literally name dropped once and then introduced as "the guy we think this Nomu was made from". Messed up, but that's his narrative purpose. (It also helps that Kurogiri is pretty sentient and is able to act as a character in his own right).

But while watching the anime and seeing the Nomus now (after 350) it makes me so uncomfortable because I just get hit with that thought of "that could have been Dabi". Love him or hate him, Dabi is a character we KNOW. We've seen him hanging out with the League, we've seen his backstory, we know HIM. He was NOT introduced into the story as a Nomu, he had his own stuff going on. He was existing and growing as a character.

He's complicated. He's fun to read about. He's got an interesting backstory and fascinating dynamics with other characters. And something about knowing that someone like Dabi would have become a mindless, faceless Nomu is just chilling. There would have been no Dabi to know. Touya, a sweet, innocent kid, would have become a literal nameless enemy for a hero to defeat without a second glance. All of that backstory and tragedy COMPLETELY GONE if he had been turned into a Nomu. And that's where it gets me, because that is the case for every. single. Nomu.

Of course I knew this before. I always understood that Nomus had lives beforehand. But it took seeing a character I KNOW saying "that's what you would have done to me" to make me realize how sick and twisted the Nomu are.

Let me clarify this: I never saw the Nomu as just faceless enemies for the heroes to kill. I still think it is VERY messed up that the heroes kill them so nonchalantly. But something about 350 made it so much more real and like... idk it really got into my head.

I got a somewhat similar feeling when I learned Aizawa was supposed to be Kurogiri. The thought of the Aizawa I know and love not existing broke my heart, but it was calmed by the knowledge that he would have at least been somewhat intelligent. I don't think Dabi would have been given that same luxury.

I think that's what it is: the thought that this character I've grown attached to could have (and would have, if he hadn't run) been this mindless monster is extremely upsetting, and seeing the other Nomu makes me realize just how disturbing of a concept they are.

Fuck Ujiko and FUCK AFO

(I don't swear often, but I make an exception when it comes to AFO. Ujiko has now been added to this list).

Congrats, you just read through me attempting to rationalize my thought process. Have a cookie.

Anyways, you write your horror manga, Hori. If you are able to do THIS to me with a single chapter, you're gonna do great.

#bnha #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha 350 #toya todoroki #touya todoroki #dabi #bnha leaks #bnha meta

[julemmaes]

The One Good Thing

Rowaelin Month, Day Two

A/N: again, I'm gonna fail all my exams because of this stupid app, I'm sure. Also, I miss the off campus boys so much I kinda made Fenrys one of them and I love the idea of the tog men as hockey players so yeah, enjoy;)

Word count: 2,581

Aelin would have killed for a second of silence.

She daydreamed of that almost noisy quiet that makes you feel every deepest thought hidden in your brain that exists only at 3 a.m., when every soul is resting and cars can't drive around the campus. And there are no children screaming at the top of their lungs or parties going on all night long.

That was what she had been promised, the flyers she'd been handed during the open days, when she had come to visit the college.

That was how it was supposed to be.

Aelin had tried so many times to ask her upstairs flatmate to hold his Twitch live streams strictly in the afternoons or mornings when she wouldn't be home, but when Fenrys Moonbeam had first opened the door to his place, the girl had known immediately that she wouldn't be able to change his mind even by paying him.

Especially since his live streams were followed by such a large audience that Aelin couldn't even begin to understand how he had managed to build an empire so big in just under a month. Surely it had something to do with the long blond hair, different from her own but just as beautiful, and the arms covered in tattoos so colourful they blind you. They had their own charm. Add to the pile the fact that he was the goalie on the hockey team, and he was the perfect mix for the guy to marry.

From what their common friends had told her, he was already earning enough to afford an off-campus home, but that he liked the comfort the college dorm gave.

A comfort that Aelin, after three years in those filthy rooms and shared bathrooms, had yet to find.

When yet another howl of celebration at yet another victory that everyone expected pierced through his floor and her ceiling, nearly drilling her eardrums, Aelin gritted her teeth so hard that for a moment she feared they might shatter.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to whisper, "Shut," failed miserably to keep her tone under control and shrieked the second word, "up!"

A booming laugh rang out upstairs and a millisecond later a message lit up her phone screen.

From Lys: Girl, maybe you should take a chill pill, I heard you on the live stream. Are you still studying?

She tossed the phone to the side, pulling her hair up and pinning it back with a pencil.

"Fuck off." she muttered under her breath.

Lysandra was one of the few in their group of friends who never missed a Fenrys broadcast. Whether it was at eleven at night or five in the morning, she was always one of the first to join in.

Aelin often wondered if she was just doing it because Fenrys was helping her sponsor her YouTube channel, but then she remembered that Lysandra would do the same for all her friends.

She got out of bed, taking all her books and notes in her arms, pen in her mouth and holding her phone between her pinky and ring fingers. She threw open the door to her room and found herself facing a wall of muscle, slamming into her roommate's chest.

Rowan's hands snapped forward and kept her from falling backwards and when Aelin looked up at his face, she almost lost her balance again.

His face was sleepy, only one eye open as he suppressed a yawn. The imprint of the pillowcase on his cheek just another sign that he had already been sleeping.

"Are you okay?" he asked her in a hoarse voice, stepping back and letting her through, "I heard you screaming. I was coming to check on you."

Aelin grimaced, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

He shook his head, moving a hand in mid-air, "Don't worry about it." then his gaze snapped to the ceiling as another laugh from Fenrys cut through the thin material dividing their quarters. He frowned, lowering his gaze back to her, and it was at that moment that he noticed the books in her arms.

If possible, his frown deepened even more.

He closed his eyes, gently grabbing her wrist and leaning against the wall behind him, pulling her towards him.

Aelin let herself be tugged, arranging the books so that they didn't poke at either her or him in that uncomfortable hug, but she positioned her head against his chest, letting his fingers expertly massage the nape of her neck.

"Baby." he sighed into her hair. Her toes curled.

It had only been a few weeks since they had decided to start dating, a few weeks since Rowan had confessed to having feelings for her. They had exchanged a few kisses in secret from their friends, wanting to enjoy that first phase of their very fresh relationship in privacy. They hadn't done anything too steamy yet, and Aelin had more than agreed with his decision to take it slow, but one thing Rowan hadn't held back in the slightest from the first second she'd agreed to go out with him had been the pet names he'd given her whenever they were in the safety of their dorms.

Baby was definitely her favourite.

His hands slid lower, down her back, and she looked up, resting her chin on his chest and fixing her eyes in his. His gaze softened, still clouded with sleep. "You shouldn't be studying at this hour."

Aelin grunted, smacking her forehead against his chest, "But I have a test tomorrow."

Rowan sighed again, pushing her away and taking the books from her arms. "Precisely why you should be sleeping." He walked towards the common room, speaking softly and hoping Lorcan wouldn't hear them. They both knew their roommate suspected something, but he didn't have enough worries in the world for him to actually give a shit about their possible relationship, and they also knew he would never say anything to anyone. Maybe to Elide, but neither of them would bet on it. "I left you alone tonight because you needed to rest, not stay up until morning melting your brain."

She followed him like a lost dog, dragging her feet on the ground, finally feeling that visceral fatigue get the better of her.

"I can't leave the study half done."

Rowan dropped the books on the table, turning around just in time to block her before she bumped into him again and slipped the pencil out of her mass of hair, letting it fall around her shoulders.

"You're not leaving the study half done," he told her as he rubbed her arms to keep her warm, "you've spent the last five weeks studying this stuff and I'm sure you know it like the abc. You need a break." he told her.

Aelin looked up at him from under her lashes, a little annoyed that that was true, but completely distracted by the lines his fingers were drawing on her arms. She took a deep breath through her nose, puffing out her chest and thrusting out her breasts, catching the attentive gaze of her almost-boyfriend for a nanosecond.

He smiled wearily at her, "Are you sleeping in my bed tonight?"

Aelin just nodded and took both of his hands, pulling him down onto her. Rowan squinted his eyes and placed his lips on hers in a quick, chaste kiss. She hummed in satisfaction as his hands slid under her bottom and wrapped around her thighs, pulling her up. She tied her legs around his hips and rested her head on his shoulder as Rowan made his way into their tiny flat.

He lowered her onto the bed, pulling the blankets out from under her body and laying down beside her before covering them both. Aelin moved as close to him as she could, pressing her back against his chest and her butt against his crotch, tangling their legs together.

Rowan's arm wrapped around her waist as the other slipped under her head and his hand found hers under the pillow.

The second they were settled, every bit of their bodies touching, Rowan left a soft kiss on her shoulder, pulling her even tighter against him.

She smiled weakly, in a drawling tone, "Thank you."

He hummed against her skin, "That's what I'm here for."

"Don't let me die around finals time?" she asked in a teasing tone.

Rowan chuckled softly, making her back shake, "Exactly."

Aelin tried to turn towards him, wanting to trace the pale freckles that were starting to sprout on his nose now that the days were getting longer and the sun kissed his cheek every afternoon, but his arms blocked her.

"No, it's not fair for you to be the big spoon every night. I'm fucking sick of it, I want to hold you today." he muttered, the chains of sleep already dragging him towards that blissful unconsciousness.

She huffed, stopping struggling against his grip, relaxing and feeling her muscles scream with pleasure after being tense for hours on end while she studied.

She hadn't realised she'd stayed up so long, but she was terrified of failing this last exam. If she failed it she would have to wait months before she could retake it and the idea of it was getting her down more than perhaps it should have.

She started thinking about the various questions the professors might ask her the next day, repeating the answers in her mind, closing her eyes as she thought.

"Baby," Rowan grumbled, "you're talking out loud."

She hadn't realised she was biting the cuticles around her nails until his hand came to rest on her arm, pulling her hand away from her mouth. He took a deep breath, helping her turn to face him.

When she looked up at him from under her lashes, she saw the way he was fighting sleep. And she felt terribly guilty. If she was having trouble sleeping the day before an exam, that didn't mean he had to stay awake for her too.

She was about to speak, tell him to close his eyes again and let her go into the living room so she could finish going over the last few pages and then return to his room, but he put his hand on her cheek and in a soft voice asked, "What's bothering you?"

She bit the inside of her cheek, shaking her head, "Nothing."

He tried to hold back a yawn again, but couldn't this time and Aelin's guilt grew immensely inside her. "If you tell me right now what's wrong, I could help you fix it sooner. And we could get at least three hours of sleep before we have to go to class." he pointed out in an exhausted tone.

She blinked once, twice, searching for the right words.

"It's Fen. If he'd stop playing so late every night-"

Rowan quickly cut her off, closing his eyes, almost as if he could no longer physically stay awake. "Ace, Fenrys never really bothered you. You've always managed to study and ignore it. What is it that's bothering you?"

Aelin let go of a shaky breath, "It's nothing, really. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

He only opened one eye, watching her carefully as she hid her face against his chest and wrapped her thin arms around his torso.

His hand began to slowly massage her back, "If we don't talk about this now I'll be up all night worrying."

She huffed, knowing full well how true those words were. For the love of the other, she began to ramble on about the real reason she hadn't been able to focus on the textbooks.

"I don't want to tell anyone we're together yet," she confessed under her breath.

Rowan opened both eyes then, fixing them on her and giving a small nod with his chin to keep her going.

"It's not that I don't want to tell the others," she said, referring to their closest friends, "but the second they find out, the news will become public knowledge and there are some people I really don't want to let that information get to."

He nodded, understanding perfectly who she was talking about.

"We don't have to tell anyone," he kissed her forehead, continuing to talk in that position, his lips brushing against her skin with every word he spoke, "it'll be our little secret for some time more, until we figure out how to get all the puck bunnies off our backs."

Aelin smiled, lifting her chin and kissing him.

Being the captain of the hockey team, Rowan didn't exactly go unnoticed on campus. Not many people approached him during the day, especially when Lorcan was at his side, knowing full well that they would receive nothing but a rude invitation to leave, but their friend couldn't spend his life attached to Rowan's hip, and the few times the two of them had gone out alone it had happened that a horde of fans had overwhelmed them. After those afternoons, Aelin had found herself the victim of not so nice threats from unknown numbers, as had happened to Lysandra when she had first started dating Aedion.

With Manon's help they had managed to track down the senders and Rowan had been unpleasantly surprised to discover that it was one of the girls he always partied with after the games. A girl he'd always considered a friend.

Rowan had taken all the blame, feeling responsible for those attacks on Aelin and it had taken months to convince him that he had no part in the insanity of others.

They'd started limiting the dates they went on as a pair, even when they were just friends, to prevent similar things from happening again, but Aelin felt trapped.

And she knew it was the same for Rowan.

She wished she could get a place off campus, where she could retreat with him, away from the prying eyes of the world, but it didn't seem right to bring up the topic of 'let's move in together' after not even three months of dating.

Rowan rested a hand on her cheek, moving a strand of hair behind her ear, "It'll be fine. And if anyone finds out and the threats come back, we'll do something about it."

She nodded, not entirely convinced and not at all reassured.

He knew instantly, "Aelin, whatever happens, I don't care what others think. I've waited years to finally have you. I've been on the sidelines all this time, watching you go on date after date with everyone and never with me-"

"You never asked," she mumbled in annoyance.

Rowan continued as if she hadn't spoken, "I would have preferred not to be the talk of the town all the time, but I'm not going to let public opinion take away the one good thing in my life."

She opened her mouth wide, "What about hockey?"

He shrugged, looking at her, "Hockey is just a sport."

"If Lorcan could hear you right now..." she shook her head.

"But Lorcan's not here. And you won't tell him," he made her silently promise.

They exchanged another brief kiss, before they carried on talking about all the worries she had and every word that came out of his lips acted as a sedative for her fears, killing one at a time, until she fell asleep in his arms, lulled by his soft breathing on her neck.

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