#i want to leave this place so badly

[nocylipcowa]

wypłata 😎😎😎😎

#you dont know what hides behing the glasses #i want to leave this place so badly #but they do give money.... #thinking i can put now some onto lokata or sth. usually they give like 3 zloty back with my funds

[wikitpowers]

i’m so desperate for a scene where part of the twp gang has to separate but ty just downright refuses to split from kit bc he needs to protect him

#i want the “i’m not leaving you” scene so freaking badly u don’t understand #like imagine they try to separate them but ty's like hell no my baby is being hunted and i'm not leaving his side PLEASE #YOU CAN'T SEPARATE MAGNETS WHICH CLICK INTO PLACE ONLY WITH EACH OTHER :'((( #but seriously it's like borderline insane how much i need this #i would scream so loud if we got this #IM BEGGING U CASSIE #ty blackthorn #kit herondale #kit x ty #kitty #the first heir #the last king of faerie #the wicked powers #tlkof #twp #tsc

[thebirdandhersong]

.

#lol!! not to be bitter and grumpy but i think there is a part of me that wants to be missed when i leave a place #am i slightly hurt that there has been no response from anyone after i informed people (albeit online) #that i would be leaving this church due to distance and unprecedented circumstances and other logistics (well there are #other reasons too but i'm not about to announce them in a group chat)? ......yes #i KNOW i am very young and am looked upon somewhat indulgently by the other congregants #for what is probably excessive enthusiasm and childish naivete and an inability to shut up when i'm nervous #but i thought that i'd been at this church long enough to be missed! or wanted there. perhaps that's a me problem though #anyway :))))))) this is fine. i didn't spend about an hour drafting that text and worrying that i'd hurt people by leaving anyhow #(i did and it was very painful) (i DO know that i have a desire to be Specially Liked or at least Strongly Liked in a circle of friends #and that IS a me problem and i KNOW that i want to be loved so very badly) (BUT STILL I THOUGHT AT THE VERY LEAST #I'D CONTRIBUTED ENOUGH TO MATTER even though that's not how mattering works and NOT the best way to look at the situation) #anyway i know i'm overthinking #but darn it i wanted to matter in this community! and i loved being a part of this church! #songbird's year of feeling 22

[cryptidwizard]

i feel the turtle fixation creeping back up

#it’s all over when I think of ANOTHER post canon 2012 fic about the main 8 dealing with their emotions and being adults #i still have the angel/april meetcute when aprils 21 #i have a very small snippet of one where mikey moves out in a universe where mutants gain legal protections and his siblings have to #come to terms with mikey healing and being his own person and why they feel like they can’t do the same #newest one im kicking around is post canon mikey staying more and more at the mutanimals and raph and y’gthgba vaguely breaking up bc theyr #in rlly different places and she offers to take him back to space with her and he wants to so badly but he’s doesn’t know how to give #himself permission to do something for himself and leave his siblings #basically just a bunch of the turtles searching for space from each other and not really getting it bc they’re so entangled in each other’s #lives and trying to expand their social groups when for so long it’s just been them against the world #the april/angel one is the longest by far #god. so many tags wtf happened #in my mind the 2012 gang will always come back together but they deserve time to figure out who they are when they aren’t in constant danger

[wild-at-mind]

I crave validation so strongly. I wish I could help everyone in the world and yet I am unable to help myself.

#this website is constantly telling me that trying to help myself with mental health is some sort of bougie indulgance and insulting to gaza #and it's a quick jump from there to thinking the same about trying to access transition #and from there it's my life is meaningless and my suicide would be celebrated if i put the right post on twitter before #tw suicide #i feel like the obvious thing to do is quit tumblr and stop encountering these messages- but i have nowhere else i feel #i can talk about the ugliest parts of myself #and recently i put an artwork on instagram that i worked on for 15 months and it got 7 likes and i'm fucking destroyed by that #i genuinely can't tell you how upset #but i know that's not healthy- i should be able to like and feel proud of my work no matter how many people press a thing #or see it in the first place- we all know its algorithm that does it #i never want to become someone who moans about algorithms and guilts for likes and yet here we are #leaving instagram would seem the obvious solution but i need that validation so badly #i don't even want to make art my job ever! i'll be doing it no matter what i just want people to like it and like me #to think i am someone worthwhile #i don't understand why i'm like this i have no good reasons i have never lacked for love in my life #and yet i can't feel it #i hate myself

[softskiesahead]

the way my classmates are so shocked when I say I can’t handle staying here and I have to move away when this state is actively trying to destroy public libraries and several of our senators refuse to listen or even speak on palestine

#that’s just the tip of the iceberg it gets SO MUCH WORSE #I mentioned it to someone the other day and they were so shocked that i wanted to leave so badly…….like look around #I can’t stay here genuinely I can’t do it ;;;;; #aya.txt #♡ storms ahead #oh don’t forget the anti trans legislature #like yes lots of places have similar issues but we’re particularly radical and I can’t do it anymore

[chaosnojutsu]

late night writing/life update to whom it may concern

#wanna know the real reason reliance hasn’t been updated? #i fell in love and moved in with someone who i thought would love me back. #that did not happen. #so i’m back at my parents’ house and legitimately wondering where my life goes from here. #i want to finish that story so badly but i do not have the capacity for that right now. #also she reads that story and follows me on here. #it’s kind of actually how we met. the reason she messaged me in the first place. #so as much as i love my story and my readers i do not know if the readers of that story will get the ending they deserve. #i’m sorry. #i’m heartbroken. #i’ll try to come back to it when i can. #but because she gets the email notifications for updates i don’t even wanna put this in an A/N or anything yk? #she never gets on tumblr anymore though so here i am. #leaving the truth hidden here for someone to hopefully read and understand. #reliance #i’m not looking for sympathy this is legit just a heads up

[avinox]

Nothing like waking up to your father yelling at you to study. Again.

#this is what i feared #i legitimately can't study in the mornings—my brain just goes to ''i'm tired'' and I can't concentrate #the reason i decided to go to that woman's help centre was because i had an anxiety attack thinking what he just did would become the norm #there's months till the exam so imagine what months of him not letting me sleep would do #I'm just wired to be scared of him at this point. I'm always ready for him to react badly or control me #because I mean. this is him starting to be controlling again. checking-in on my room just to see if I'm studying #I can't relax for a moment or sleep—he decides when i get to do those things and for how long #and honestly it just makes me miserable #i AM trying to get this right and secure myself a position working indefinitely—literally so i can escape this situation #my father ruined my concentration and motivation and ability to study when i began my career #he wouldn't stop messaging me to study and threaten me what would happen if i didn't #I haven't been the same since #I'm so scared of losing what I've regained of this ability because of his obsession with me #i just want to pass and have a job #and leave this place for good

[pepprs]

ok. it’s over. and i am alone in the world 🤑🤸🏻‍♀️

#purrs #despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best #behavior 🙄 we talked about redacted like the whole time and barely about me leaving so i didn’t have an opportunity to tell him he sucks or #to not tell him he sucks and now i feel like an idiot for doing this bc he didn’t suck in that session just now. and i want to cry and cry #bc of how good that was but yet how mad i was a few hours ago and how now i just cut myself off from the counseling place ive been going to #for like 5 years and i actually do not want to take a break from counseling i NEED to be in therapy so genuinely and i don’t know where to g #go that i can afford and that will be local etc etc. and now im alone and i cut myself off from the place and the years of notes and #analysis they have on me. i almost wish it had gone badly so that i wouldn’t feel so regretful rn bc oh my god how am i gonna go without #counseling like….. AUGH. iwshould email him and ask for a referral maybe. does anyone know if that’s ok to do <- could so easily google it #im so sad. like so so so sad. i knew when i stopped being angry i’d feel sad and hurt and like. omgggggg. this is terrible. what have i done

[ghost-of-someone]

Forever angry about the level of psychic damage I experienced as a teenager

#the only peaceful place was my bedroom & then after a while not even there #fully aware so many people had it worse and i was fortunate in a lot of ways #but im 25 and still not fully over all of the fucked up shit #i lived in limbo for years and i fucking hate it #not alive not dead #not thriving but not homeless #never knowing what was going to come of the day and wanting so badly to just leave and be done with ALL of it #wanting so badly for all of us to leave so that i knew everyone was safe and secure and not floundering #and also because i was terrfified of being alone because i never fully had been #as awful as everything was the thought of having to go back if i failed was even worse #fuck man #i hate that these ghosts still follow me #i feel like ill never be rid of them unless i sever all ties #i hate it #vent #trauma

[jennycalendar]

oh hey btw the art history professor situation escalated to A Point bc she gave us a pop quiz on the terrible powerpoints, nearly everyone in the class did badly because no one is watching the whole thing (because they are not actually necessary to get a good grade, as is evidenced by my perfect score on every. single. assignment), and she has sent emails out to some of my classmates saying that she thinks they should try this class a different semester. some of my classmates (myself included) got emails just concerned about their performance (FORM LETTER emails,) and after expressing my concern to her about the pop quiz and my difficulties with how long the powerpoints take (an in person convo during which she was basically like “that’s how much time you are SUPPOSED to be spending on homework, and the audio processing difficulties sound like a you problem bc i don’t have a transcript :)”) i still got a form letter email re: her being concerned about my performance. anyway today in class i heard someone else talking to her about the exact same problems i face and her responding with “idk try transcribing it on your own time :)” and i hate this woman so much

#i am at the point where i am caught btwn a rock and a hard place #this class isn’t tenable and every single person in it is struggling #i want to kinda get into pursuing some kind of action but — i need this class for my minor? #and i also don’t really know what the path forward would be w this #but today’s class was hellish and stupid and my group just talked shit about her the entire time #AND when i sent her an email basically going ‘’i will be fine and be back on track so please leave me alone’’ #she sent me MULTIPLE APOLOGETIC PARAGRAPHS #this from a woman who MISSED my email when i was asking an actual question about the course #she wants so badly to be seen as a good teacher without ever putting in the work #i am just so sick of her! and this! like i have enough to deal with OUTSIDE of this horrible class #complainy complainy complain #i will be back on here officially eventually but my entire life is just trying to Get Me rn. and this is no exception

[coloursofaparadox]

i ✨️cannot sleep✨️ and vaguing about shit on the internet feels more cathartic than writing it out somewhere else. suffer.

#im having. thoughts. on one hand. VERY badly want woods and chicken farm. #on the other hand. i do actually like friends? #and the likelihood of making friends as a queer person in a small town is uh. yknow. not as good. #but idk if its important enough to me to put my life on hold indefinitely to create more ties to an area that ill eventually have to leave #if i ever want a chance at supporting myself financially or buying a tiny lil starter house? #ideal situation is i start a gay commune with like minded friends. but uh. people have not been good to me #on the whole 'trust em with your plans' front #sigh. idk. id love to be able to afford a place thats still in the general area but that is never going to happen #unless i can spontaneously manifest /literally/ a million dollars #i am done with romantic relationships i think. if one happens at some point? cool. but i am not basing my life plans around it. #and will not sacrifice my own peace and wellbeing just for the sake of one #god. looking for queer friends who want to live on a farm with me platnically and we all have our own space but #also raise animals together and hang out sometimes. and dogs are a requirement. #i just! want! queer commune! where i can go back to my own little bubble and have my own space too! #aaaaahhhhh!!!! albertas real estate is starting to look real good right about now! #ugh. u g h. i fluctuate wildly between 'im very VERY content not speaking to a human for a week at a time' and 'platonic life partner. pls. #maybe i just....take a page out of 18 yr old me's ballsy ass handbook. and uproot my entire life to move somewhere completely new #where i know no one have no connections and in a completely different climate 😎 it worked out last time #i could so just fuck off somewhere. oh my god it is so tempting.

[oc-cinematic-universe]

new boy just dropped (wip)

#i'm a simple person. i take my favorite npcs from the campaigns i dmed and never finished. #i stick em in the detectives story #doodles #detectives #anthony #anthony my son boy anthony!!!!!!! #he was 8 years old in the dnd campaign #now he is anywhere from 20-100 #i'm not sure yet #he is so sweet and lovely and awesome and he wants to help make the world a better place SOOOO BADLY #even if it means breaking the law a couple times #breaking and entering isn't a crime when all you're trying to do is leave someone flowers ok #in the dnd campaign he was quite literally the remains of someone else's hope and love #and i think i might actually leave that as his backstory maybe??? unclear. but he is still very much made of hope and love #he's just grown into his own personality on top of that as well #he's physically incapable of Not Helping if he's not spreading hope with people he'll explode #i love him. him perfect

[whimsyprinx]

being cooped up all the time living in a nowhere place while also being friendless and lifeless rlly is making me lose my mind just a tad bit ya know?

#whimsy whispers #the overstimulation n depression are mixing together badly hiiiiii #I kinda wanna go lay in some grass but I can’t because the child will want to accompany and she won’t leave me alone #and sometimes I jsut want to be alone in a quiet place but I can’t have that #there is so much noise all the time always

[stillangel]

Why does it hurt so bad to care about people?

#whether they leave or they don’t care about you or whether life just gets in the way #why does it have to hurt so bad? #my friends are going to bigger and better places and i knew they would and i knew this day was coming but oh god it hurts anyways #and i want the best for them and i know they’re going to excel #but i am selfish. please don’t leave. please don’t leave #please don’t leave me #i am trying to be brave and put on smiles for them but it hurts so bad to care so much #it’ll be my turn soon enough but it hurts so bad in the meantime #will it ever get easier? i almost hope not i never want to stop being so full of love but i do hope i learn to bear it better #all i Can think of us that one post that says something like linger uncomfortably in the doorway and forget your scarf in my life and come #back for it #please come back please linger a little longer #i will survive this but it will hurt so badly in the meantime #mine

[rainbowsnowcone]

😔💔 I can not stop feeling devastated over Prince Lothric in DS3. You can describe his story as 'Here is a broken and traumatized abuse victim who only played a part in the apocalypse because he was lashing out against the system that treated him like a disposable object and refuses to die for it and it is your job as the 'Heroic Goodguy' to put this evil brat in his place with help from the 'very nice and helpful and concerned' High Priestess Emma who acts like she did not play a part in his lifetime torment and later rebellion. Go murder his elder brother Lorian the only person who truly cared about Lothric and will protect him at all costs. Then beat the ever living crap out of the vulnerable handicapped prince while the brother he is trying to revive is down (You know like a 'big strong manly hero who asserts themselves'). You kill him and take his head like fucking trophy to use it for the sacrificial ritual along with the heads of the others you murdered (YOU ARE HONORING THEM!).

#anti ds3 #Not fucking canon #This game was not made for me because apparently there was a good reason for a traumatized person like me to be treated like #a disposable object #I deserve to be put IN MY PLACE FOR LASHING OUT BECAUSE IT IS AN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU?! #I can not even look at Twin Princes content and art without seeing Lothric being made a punching bag #If it isn't about pitying him or representing his tragedy #It is about giving him the MCU Loki treatment #And I have to see art where the Ashen One is about to murder him in 'glorious heroic fashion' while he is down and vulnerable #or see his fucking head #I was already disturbed by what the game did and it inspired the fandom to exacerbate things even more #I hate being alone in my grief #I have to be reminded that was my comfort character's entire role a mere punching bag for the big strong hero #Everything hurts #I hate how fuckin normal this is and it makes me want to leave this world so badly