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tonkatsubowl · 2 months

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truth to be told, it takes a lot for aventurine to fully trust someone, let alone loving them.

the man had already lost so much, including his own sense of self. to be stabbed in his back, to be betrayed, to be mocked and used and made fun of—he was used to it. it would take aventurine a while for him to feel comfortable being vulnerable with someone, considering he didn't trust anyone in particular.

though the man wore a gorgeous smile, wandering through the streets of penacony, it wasn't a genuine smile, but a mask he put up. expensive clothing, his beautiful countenance and the abundance of money he liked to toss around... it was just a mask he put up. it was also for the sake of his own reputation, too. especially when you were directly under diamond herself.

the main suspect of his suffering. and the cause of his success. a double edged sword that he walked upon. his own life was theirs. a mere toy, a mere chess piece to gamble with.

...but when he met you, he was confused. afraid, even. but he put up a fake smile, some flirtatious words here and there, but the man did not trust you, nor did he believe you would be willing to stay by his side for an eternity for aeons know what.

when he met you, you were kind, understanding. you were a little stubborn, too, and humorous. you never failed to have aventurine laugh at your cute little jokes, and you never failed to protect him, whether it was against the ipc's mocking him in his name, or against nightmare infested monsters that dared to consume his flesh within a dream.

he was terrified of you.

he didn't know what you were doing to him.

every time he saw you, he felt... weak. vulnerable around you. and he hated it. he loathed it. he hated everything about how you were making him feel, as though you were a curse that came to haunt him due to the sins of his past.

every time he saw you, his heart began to palpitate, his chest aching. and it got worse whenever he saw you so happy with someone else. but... maybe you were better off with someone? everyone kept leaving him, after all, whether it was death or it was simply due to some gambling... game-thing. a business transaction, even.

but you stayed.

you stayed throughout the hardships he faced.

why?

just why?

why, of all people, did you want to stay with him? a once upon a time slave, now a business man specializing in manipulation, gambling (an addiction, to put it), and flirtatious words to soothe the mind so he could win his way.

even through everything, you were still here. that was when he decided to seek out a certain doctor.

he sat across from him, forcing a smile across his lips, but the doctor could see it. the mask that aventurine donned himself with.

"you're in love."

aventurine's eyes looked up to the other, "you must be misreading your books like usual."

"you came here... to me, for your thoughts."

aventurine chuckled to himself, nervously, even.

"love? i haven't heard that word in ages."

"it is a complicated thing. especially with how you can be, gambler. a man who is unpredictable, keen to the eye, and... well, unfamiliar with the positive things."

aventurine cleared his throat, toying with the golden coin in his hand. he purses his lips, his mask wearing off for a moment.

"...now, dr. ratio, i am not doubting your knowledge and intelligence, don't get me wrong. i just don't believe that it truly is such a strange thing called... love."

the genius sighed, "you complained to me the other day that you couldn't stand seeing (y/n) talking to others, smiling and laughing. i recall that i was not assigned to be your therapist, here. the rest should be obvious, but it appears you're too stubborn to catch on... or rather, you're unfamiliar with this feeling. this term. love."

bullseye. it was as though ratio had called him out completely. for once, the gambler was silent. here, he would try to make little comments here and there, some jokes there and wherever but... the man was actually silent.

"... what do you suggest i do, then?"

dr ratio leans in, resting both elbows on his knees, eyes fixated on the gambler's own pristine eyes.

"if you are comfortable with it, move at your own pace if you wish to pursue. this is ultimately your choice. you can pursue these feelings, or you may leave it. there is no right or wrong answer, here. this all depends on you and what you wish to do. love is about being vulnerable with each other. accepting each other at their lowest. being for one another. your lover is considered to be your number one companion, truthfully."

aventurine was quiet.

"what is your gambler's intuition?"

a sigh left aventurine's lips. he stood, flipping the coin in his hand, before showing the result of heads or tails.

"...i suppose i'll make a bet with myself. one that doesn't cost money or the finest of gold and jewelry."

the genius watched as the other male got up from his seat, retrieving his sunglasses from his expensive outfit, before placing them on. "i'll make a gamble, to be specific, about this."

"then i wish you the best of luck, aventurine."

months had past, and the two of you were already in a relationship. it had been months, but the man didn't dare to tell you, 'i love you' just yet. as a matter of fact, those words were terrifying for him. what if he lost you after he said that? what if something were to happen to you? he was terrified of saying it, as he wasn't ready yet.

dr. ratio was right—he was paranoid to the bone but hid it. yet, aventurine played a few cards and decided to gamble this relationship with you, to see if it could work out. and so far, everything was well.

you were understanding, kind, beautiful, patient... the perfect partner someone could ask for.

but it also felt undeserving.

did... he deserve this love? did he truly deserve to experience the harmony that his heart fluttered to? he began to doubt. then he spiraled into a panic.

he began to sleep restlessly at night, rendering himself vulnerable to nightmares and the instability of his mind.

... but you were there, throughout all of it.

his eyes shot open, the familiar warmth of your hand gently cupped at his left cheek. he had fallen asleep on the couch, reading a long text presented to him by his supervisor, which was mainly just work and business related things. he didn't realize he had fallen asleep, and at first was confused when he woke up.

his phone was placed securely on the table, and there was a blanket draped over him. the air conditioning was turned on for his comfort, and before him was a tray full of biscuits, tea... for him to savor in once he woke from his nightmare.

"are you... alright?" you asked. "you were having a bad dream."

his eyes traveled to your voice, finding your concerned expression, his palpitating heart now steadying at an easy rate. he began to breathe, his eyes softening.

you were here, at his most vulnerable state, concerned for his well-being. he was silent, but he immediately reeled you in for a gentle hug. he was reluctant, but he wanted to feel the rest of your warmth. your head was buried into his chest, and you could hear his heart slow down. he closed his eyes, calming down from his inner demons.

"...you're okay." you murmur, brushing the top of his hair with your hands. "i'm here for you."

you didn't know much about him at all, truth to be told. the man wasn't really comfortable sharing his past with you, yet. he was a locked chest, and in order to find the key to his past, you had to be patient. time was key, but whatever demons he was facing at night... he knew you would be there.

he had doubts, at first, and always believed that he'd always be alone.

but... you were a different story.

"...thank you," he whispers onto your ear, cradling you close to his chest, "for being here."

your gaze softens, and you were silent for a moment. this was the first time you've seen aventurine like this. so vulnerable, so... reliant on you. but you were okay. because everyone has their own weakness. not everyone was perfect, and you understood that.

"... don't thank me." you say, closing your eyes, taking in his scent as the two of you nuzzled up against each other on the couch, "please don't. it's my job—my duty, as your other half, to be here for you."

dr. ratio's words echoed into his brain, reminding him of what love truly is. being there for one another, no matter what.

"you haven't been here?"

months past, and aventurine is presenting a beautiful, scenic view of penacony for you. the night sky was phenomenal, and the beautiful sounds of crickets and late night critters were no more than music to your ears. you seat yourself at the bench, whilst the gambler was walking around, admiring the view... taking pictures, even.

"i haven't, but now i am." you say, flashing a smile.

aventurine took some time off today to take you out on a date. the man had more than enough sick and vacation leave to do this for you, and it's the first time where he actually used it.

he sits next to you, admiring the night sky, and the sight of you above all else.

"it's a beautiful sight. i come here when i want to... relax."

your gaze softens, and your hand comes towards his own. digits intertwine, and you murmur something, audible for your lover's ears.

"thank you for taking me here. to your safe place."

aventurine looks over to you, puzzled.

"... safe place, huh? didn't expect to... call it that. but i guess that's what you can say for this spot. i can feel at peace here." he nods slowly, looking back to the scenic view.

"... it's a spot where you can feel vulnerable and be okay with it," you say, instantly catching his attention, "and i want to thank you for trusting me to bringing me here. i really, really do appreciate it."

ratio's words echo through his mind once more, the pad of his thumb suddenly reaching over, gently lifting your chin. he leans in, granting you a subtle kiss, in which you've returned.

"... may... i be vulnerable, once again?"

he lowered his guard, his voice coming to a whisper.

"you... can always be vulnerable around me. i want to be your safe person." you respond, in a whisper.

"..." he was silent. "i love you."

it was the first time, too, that he said such a thing to you. such strong words that let your heart skip a few beats. your face comes to a faint, vermillion flush, but you were happy nonetheless. you smile, cupping each side of his face.

"i love you too."

#aventurine x reader #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x reader #hsr aventurine

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battlekidx2 · 3 months

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I'm making this post purely to shout out some incredibly talented fanfic writers from the Hazbin Hotel fandom and my favorite works of theirs.

Did anyone ask me for this? No. Will I post it anyway? Absolutely. The writers in this fandom are too good.

The first fanfic writer I want to shout out is @prince-liest (ao3 link)

I absolutely love their get cared for idiot (Alastor) series (not the official name but they called it that in one of their asks jokingly so it's now the default in my head).

Knock, Knock! It's Your Worst Fucking Nightmare! (this fic gets it!!!! This is what I meant when I said Alastor is growing a heart and part of him is raging against it. He still has ulterior motives and a massive amount of pride and part of him feels like that growing fondness is getting in the way, but he can't stop it. I need to stop before this becomes a long ramble. I've written a couple thousand words on this idea, but this fic is just a better use of your time than any meta I could ever write and way more entertaining :D )

Happily Ever After, and Other Shit Nepotism Can't Buy

The Last Bus Stop in Hell, Now Boarding (Please look at the tags for content warning. Angel and Alastor body swap story.)

They're amazing at balancing on that razor's edge with Alastor where there's a heart in there (really deep) and he's unintentionally growing attached to the hazbin crew, but he doesn't lose his edge. He's still manipulative and an asshole and can easily be the scariest guy in any room. He's in hell for a reason. A+ characterization at all times.

They're so good at writing the complicated dynamics he has with the residents, especially Charlie, and I enjoy how they expand on Alastor's potential dynamic with Angel Dust.

Anything they write from Lucifer's POV is gold too! My favorites are:

Take Two and Leave a Voicemail!

The Care and Keeping of Homo Angelus

I am also 100% here for their Aro!Alastor agenda and I'm enjoying their fic I Love Her, I Love Her Not so far!

The second person I want to shout out is @grayintogreen (ao3 link)

Their series Red Roses and Dead Things consistently gut punches me.

Just like Princeliest, they are also fantastic at balancing on that razor's edge with Alastor. A+ characterization for everyone and I love how they write HuskerDust. It's so soft, especially in the aftermath fic for Learn that Even Death May Die called If My Love Is Tomorrow, I've Forgotten Yesterday (that fic hurt in the best way).

The way they explore the aftermath of Learn that Even Death May Die is incredibly impactful. They capture the unique grief that comes from the reality that there are some things you won't get closure for so well that it's painful.

I can't say enough good things about their series. Genuinely go read it.

I found @lediz-watches (ao3 link) before the first season of Hazbin Hotel dropped (I've been a fan of the hellaverse for a few years now and have been enthralled with the Hazbin Hotel pilot since I first watched it in 2020) and I really enjoy their fics.

My favorite is Suffering Kindness. I love the Charlie and Alastor dynamic they explore in this story. I think I'm just a sucker for the Charlie and Alastor dynamic in general, but this fic hits all the right notes for me. (written pre-season 1 but man is it good. 100% recommend)

LeDiz also has a lot of one-shots/collections of one-shots that are very fun.

The Cure for Inexorable Boredom

Dollface (one-shots about Alastor theories. My favorite is the 3rd one. So fascinating!)

Choice Words (one of the few explorations of Alastor and Vaggie's dynamic that I've found in the fandom)

Don't Say It

I have to shout out @ckret2 (ao3 link) and their phenomenal fic You’ve Got a Face for Radio. This is such an amazing aroace!Alastor fic. (Embarrassingly it was this fic that made me realize I was most likely aroace myself. I’d had fleeting moments of suspecting it but it wasn’t until I saw my experiences laid out in a character explicitly written to be aroace that I put the puzzle pieces together. -_- some of these passages were too relatable.) I cannot express how much I love this fic.

I also like their fics Dumpster Baby and Bitter Grapes.

I have one last writer I want to mention because this is getting really long (whoops). The last one is tiredoflofteranditsshit and their Assume He Has a Heart series (because my favorite character and how I interpret them was not obvious enough already with the fics/authors I've recommended. I had to make it more obvious).

These fics are massive (17k and 26k words) and so much fun. Definitely worth the read. Yet another series that follows up season 1 and explores Alastor’s growing connections and how he lies to himself and pushes against it. Love this series and there’s a lot to sink your teeth into :D

#hazbin hotel #Hazbin hotel fics #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #the radio demon #angel dust #husk #huskerdust #charlie morningstar #I love all of these fics #these writers are all so talented

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violetrainbow412-blog · 8 months

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Day 18: protecting

Masterlist flufftober 🎀

Reblog if you liked it!

“Are you okay with this?” Spencer asked, as he was about to walk through the door into the interrogation room.

You had captured the main suspect in a series of murders and Hotch gave Reid the task of interrogating him, but part of the plan was that after he asked some questions you would accompany him since you fit perfectly into victimology. If the man behind the glass was actually guilty, you were in the presence of a narcissistic and misogynistic criminal of the worst kind, violent enough to murder a woman in a matter of seconds if she didn't show interest, and that's why he wanted to make sure you were comfortable with that part of the plan.

“Yes, Reid. Everything is fine” to be honest, that answer wasn’t what you wanted to give him, but the case had given you so much headache in the last few days that all you wanted was for it to end, and if the only way to do it was to use yourself as bait, you were ready for it.

The man nodded and then opened the door to enter the room. He asked some questions to the detainee, who had asked not to be handcuffed as a condition for answering, and at one point your partner looked into the mirror to give you the signal.

Ted, that was the unsub's name, tensed up when he saw you enter and was quiet for a second, taking in your entire appearance before speaking again. The look completely sickened you, but you had to stop yourself and Spencer pulled out a chair so you could sit.

“This is my partner, Agent Y/L/N.”

"Agent? I thought a cupcake like this would be your secretary,” he whispered, reaching out to take your hand on the table. You were about to remove it when Spencer stepped forward to gently take it and lower it into your lap, removing it from the criminal's reach as he watched him seriously.

“She's here to watch you, nothing more. Let's continue with the questions."

The agent continued talking to get as much information as possible and you remained as composed as possible, avoiding doing anything that would contribute to his fantasy. But every time Ted deigned to answer he did so without taking his eyes off you and Spencer noticed your stiffness as the minutes passed, so he lowered one of his hands to your knee to squeeze it, as if he were trying to tell you silently that he was there for you.

His big, loving hand calmed you just a little, but that was better than nothing. But what little calm you could have was replaced by a bad feeling when you heard that disgusting man's voice.

“Have you seen the photos of those women?”

That was the second time he spoke specifically towards you and it made you look at him, noticing that he had a satisfied face that made you shiver.

“I am asking the questions”

“They were just like you…” he continued, ignoring your partner's words “Poor girls, they look so helpless and bruised. The man who did that to her definitely made them suffer. If I were you, I wouldn't walk around alone.”

“Mr. Sanders, you are here to answer questions, not to chat.”

“It's okay, Reid,” you murmured. The unsub wanted to talk and thanks to the profile you knew that the more involved you got, the more he would say, so you accepted the responsibility of pushing him away so that he would give you a confession: “If I'm honest, I'm not afraid, not of you or anyone. And I don't even believe that you killed those women”

Although Ted appeared calm, the slight movement of his eyebrows made you realize that being questioned by a woman was irritating him, but he wouldn't give in.

“Then why are you questioning me if you're so sure it wasn't me?”

“A simple suspect elimination procedure,” you responded, shrugging your shoulders. “If you're not handcuffed, it's not because you asked for it, but because you're not a danger. You’ve never done anything meaningful with your life, why would this time be any different?”

It was obvious that your words resonated with him and so you looked at Spencer to get his approval of your actions or a sign for you to stop. Luckily, you got the first one.

“And who are you to talk? You're just a little bitch that was sent here as a bad attempt to trick me”

“And even then, you won’t achieve in your life even half of the things that I have done”

“I highly doubt it,” he laughed.

You suddenly remembered an important characteristic that you had included in the profile and you thought that perhaps a woman hurting his ego would be the straw that broke the camel's back and finally spilled his guilt. It could also result in him attacking you, but it would be worth a try.

"Poor thing, who are you trying to fool?” you scoffed, leaning across the table in his direction until you only needed to whisper, “You can't even get a decent erection.”

Although you imagined it, you definitely didn't expect that man to lunge at you and grab your neck tightly in response to your provocation. He was extremely strong and that's why he managed to push you to the wall, where he lifted you a couple of centimeters off the floor while you kicked.

Fortunately he held you for only a few seconds, because right after Spencer had already lunged at him to free you. You never believed that your friend had the strength to push a grown, muscular man against the space next to you on the wall and not only that, but to bring him back to the table to subdue him with his chest against it and his arms in the back. You didn't even know when he had time to draw his revolver, which was already placed firmly against the detainee's temple.

You were struggling to catch your breath, but even with your blurred vision you managed to register your partner's expression. He was brimming with anger, like you had never seen before.

“If you touch her again, I'm going to put a hole in your head, do you understand?”

Amid the commotion you saw the security guards and Agent Morgan quickly enter the room to help restrain Ted, now placing a necessary pair of handcuffs on his wrists.

“You're going to die, whore,” he growled at you, wanting to break free to attack you again. Your friend just roughly pushed him outside, ready to guide him to a cell inside the police station where he would stay until you guys figured something out.

With just two jumps Spencer was already in front of you and you felt that he was shaking when his hands went up to your face to lift it a little so he could check your neck, although you didn't know if he was shaking from anger or fear.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” his tone of voice had softened compared to the tone he had used with Ted and that made you feel a little safer.

“I… I think so.”

“That damn son of a bitch,” you heard him whisper between his teeth, taking the time to check every inch of your skin. Once he was satisfied, he looked you straight in the eyes and realized that you were crying “No, no, pretty…”

You didn't even know why you were shedding tears, it was probably just from the shock of what had just happened, but your friend's hug felt like a wonderful comfort.

“I didn't mean to get in the way of this, I swear.”

“Don’t say that,” he asked in a serious voice, pulling you closer. “Thanks to you we now have a reason to keep him here, and when we have enough evidence, we will give that monster what he deserves and we will lock him up for life. I will take care of it myself if necessary.”

There was a different kind of hatred in his words, something you had rarely seen towards an unsub: it was a personal and strong feeling.

“Thank you for defending me”

"Are you kidding?" he murmured almost offended, while he separated from you to observe you “We are a team and I will never let anyone lay a finger on you, do you understand me? Nobody. Never"

After that he held you against him again and then you could cry freely, sheltered by his warm and wide body. When had he become so strong? You didn't know it, but you were grateful that a man like him was taking care of you.

And as he comforted you, he realized that the promise he had just made to you wasn't empty, like many people make, because Spencer knew that he would be able to face his worst fears if you were in danger. He had done it this time and he would do it as many times as necessary to keep you completely safe.

taglist: @navs-bhat @reidwritings @tricia-shifting14 @spencerslove @vivian-555 @r-3dlips @rhiannonhippiegirl @taygrls @simp4f1 @sdddoobydoobydoo @taintedstranger

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #dr spencer reid #matthew gray gubler #spencer reid x you #flufftober 2023 #prompt list #writing challenge #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid drabble

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writingjourney · 5 months

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don't ask me about secondo ever or you will hear me rambling out a whole character analysis for two hours because I am DEDICATED to this man, he is my wife.

EDIT – Okay you did it.

Some SFW Secondo HCs:

had to deal with the highest expectations out of the brothers, being older than Terzo and a lot younger than Primo it was clear that his Papacy would be of importance and Nihil expected him to excel while not necessarily providing the necessary guidance (especially when Terzo turned out to be more rebellious in nature)

being Nihil’s “favorite” did not come with all the benefits one might suspect, no more attention, no more love or care, only more work and pressure within the clergy

outside of the family many people never realised how he suffered from this neglect and exploitation and therefore do not perceive his trauma as that, often mistake his character for being cold/aloof when really he is just masking extremely hard and trying to appear unaffected and professional

while he was prepared for his future role, he quickly realised that his needs weren’t of importance, only his work and his rise within the clergy and so he learned that it is better not to ask and appear weak (so they don’t consider him unfitting)

while Primo did the best he could to replace their absent father, the clergy’s demands on the future Papa never allowed him to be quite the father figure that he wished he could be for his younger brothers – Secondo had to learn fast how to take care of himself and how to protect his younger brother from the clergy’s influences

despite detesting the clergy’s inner mechanisms, Secondo is a man of duty and has accepted that he was put on this path in Lucifer’s name

just before and after becoming Papa he quickly learned that bringing in own ideas just leads to dismissal and that being Papa made him a vessel for the ideals of the clergy which he grew to detest (“I’m a marionette”), also quickly learned that it is wiser not to rebel against them

this made him worried for Terzo who already had a lot of plans for his own Papacy that weren’t in line with the clergy’s agenda

through it all he found a lot of solace in his faith, is the most spiritual out of all the Papas with a special fondness for the modern symbolism of Baphomet that represents balance and wholeness (“And he's as macho as he is connected to the softer, more feminine part of himself” X), something that means a lot to him who is caught in a lot of turbulent emotions, this spirituality and also his high level of literacy is pretty evident in his music

therefore: best spiritual guide/advisor out of all the Papas, knows the right quotes and the right words to provide comfort and reassurance to bring you back on your path, way more empathetic than people give him credit for based on his cool demeanour, even though he is someone who quietly reassures you and uses a more reason based approach

because of all of this he has grown to be a very measured man who will always weigh reason and emotions against each other, rarely will you see him lose his temper on the outside, being in control of his emotions is important to him because that way he can have a sense of power he lacked when he was younger (also means he cannot let loose and relax easily, this man is TENSE and his shoulders hate him for it)

if someone wrongs him that person will get the cold shoulder and honestly, being the object of his scorn is worse, disappointing him is worse than his anger and he never forgets anything, this man has a whole drawer of receipts

doesn’t hate anyone as much as himself, the top spot is however taken by his neglectful, uncaring father who never knew how to act like a parent

if he does lose his temper it will usually not be on behalf of himself but someone else he truly cares about (his brothers, his lover, his protégés etc) and even so his anger is not the loud, yelling or violent kind but the kind that sends chills down your spine (his looks alone can kill and he finds the perfect sharp words to hurt you)

soft-spoken (not quite as much as Primo though), very calculated and minimalist in what he shows on the outside but his words usually hit where and how they’re supposed to (just listen to his voice on Infest and some of his speeches on stage, it’s quiet and haunting)

very much a quality over quantity sort of person – good food, good drinks, nice clothes he can wear for a long time, simple luxuries that go a long way and add to his comfort

big earth sign energy when it comes to his habits, works hard, has high expectations, good with money, particular about how he does things but generous with those he loves

good luck trying to get this man to open to up to you, he will not overshare and you have to pry every bit of more intimate personal information out of him, especially about his childhood

however, he is a very willing and patient teacher if you want to learn about his special interests or happen to sit in one of his classes, especially if you show potential and interest

self-sabotages a lot, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, for flings he avoids anything too intimate which extends to his preferred sex positions as well as kissing, when he notices he could really like someone he will find reasons why it doesn’t work (commitment issues), scared to be hurt and also scared to inflict pain and false hopes on someone else

when he does fall for someone and overcomes his fears he is the most loyal and supportive partner, you will be surprised by how loving and gentle he is with you, by how romantic he is (not in the cheesy way but in that soft, caring way who wants to love forever), pays close attention to your needs and preferences and never forgets anything

love languages: shows love with acts of service, gift giving and also quality time, likes to receive physical touch (loves to cuddle but is hesitant to initiate, would never admit how much he loves kisses to his face and hand holding but you can tell after some time), quality time and words of affirmation (so many times until he finally believes them)

#i have a five page HC document #i am not joking #secondo headcanons #papa emeritus ii headcanons #papa emeritus ii x reader #papa emeritus ii #secondo #secondo emeritus #secondo hc

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litnerdwrites · 2 months

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Azriel in Silver Flames

I've basically hated the IC since... Acowar, honestly. But the more I think about it, the more conflicted I am about Azriel. I liked him in every book, but in retrospect, I'm not so sure anymore. This is mostly regarding his treatment of Nesta, since he honestly didn't do much before hand the start of Silver Flames, and he didn't do too much during it either.

I understand why Azriel would stay away from Nesta from the end of ACOWAR to the start of Silver Flames. He's observant, and I imagine he's figured out that Nesta doesn't want to spend time with the IC. Moreover, he may also see it as being in Feyre's jurisdiction, and wanting to stay out of it out of respect for her privacy and what not. It's his behaviour through out silver flames that has me conflicted.

Azriel was raised in confinement with limited interactions with other people. He saw his mother once a week, for limited time and suffered physical and verbal abuse, and torture during that time. He had no control over his schedule, food, social interactions, nothing. Yet, despite that, he allowed Nesta to be isolated and kept on a strict schedule and diet that she has no say in, and we never see any signs of him arguing against it. Especially since he knows being locked up somewhere against your will, where you can't leave, often made to do things you don't want, is what most of the IC's trauma roots from (Amren in the Prison, Rhys UTM, Feyre UTM, Mor in the CON, Azriel in his father's dungeon, etc). Why the, seemingly, most sensible person allowed this is beyond me.

Azriel, through out the book, never protests against this treatment either. He treats Nesta decently, though that is the absolute minimum. She should've been treated like that, regardless, of where she was or what she was doing.

He despises Illyria, knows the dangers out there, from both males and whatever's in those forests, yet he doesn't protest against Nesta going. We've seen that there are days where she wanders around on her own (like when she went to Emerie's), without protection. What would happen if she jumped off a cliff or a steep bluff? Or if she went into the forests? What about if some of the males attacked her? It's not like she was constantly supervised. trusting her witch status will keep them away is too risky, since some might not care. Azriel knows the dangers of Illyria, and he let her be taken there. He saw how Illyria hurt his mother, and how she was treated, first hand.

He doesn't do anything even after suspecting that Cassian pushed her down the stairs, or witnessing her being verbally abused by Cassian, and Rhys when he cares to show up. He doesn't defend her, or shut his brothers down, he just lets it happen, seemingly unbothered. Idk about you, but if I was at dinner, and my brother said to his girlfriend, the things that Cassian says to Nesta, I'd drag him out the front door by the hair myself.

Azriel also had a bag packed for Nesta and Cassian's hike from hell, waiting for Cassian to come get it. He let Cassian take Nesta somewhere else against her will. He, presumably, knew about the plan to take her on that hike, helped prepare for it, and just let it happen without a care. He knew where they were taking her, and what they were going to make her do, and he let it happen.

Then there's the issue regarding the Trove. Azriel pushes for Nesta's right to know about what her powers can do, yet he doesn't have any issue pushing her into life threatening situation to keep Elain from it? He says that Elain shouldn't be exposed to whatever darkness the trove and cauldron possess, but that alone implies that Nesta should be exposed to it, and that's despite her mental condition at the time.

While I don't think Azriel's status as a spymaster means he should know things like Nesta's fear of fire, and her suicidal ideation, but it does mean that there's a very good chance that he does (and yet he still sends her on that hike). Knowing this, Azriel implies that Nesta should go on these life threatening missions, where she could be killed, or commit suicide, or be taken.

Azriel is shown to stand up to/argue with Rhysand in the bonus chapters. He does so for himself and arguably Elain. Why doesn't he do it for Nesta too?

It's all of these little things that leave a bitter taste in my mouth regarding Azriel.

Would he have tried to beg/force Nesta to go instead of Elain had she refused, or if he would've stood up for Nesta if Cassian had become physically violent with her. If she refused to go on that hike, would he have fought for her right to chose like he did before? If Rhys tried to kill her, would he stand up to him for her? If Elain is mistreated in her book, would he stand up for her? If so, why not Nesta too? How can he call himself her friend if he doesn't at least try to talk about how wrong it is, assuming he even realises it's wrong to start with.

We haven't gotten much of his pov yet, and he doesn't really say much, but from what I have seen, I'm concerned. Azriel may not be actively trying to hurt Nesta, but it feels like he enables his brothers and his court too much.

Didn't Tamlin dod the same, along with his court, who watched Feyre whither away, and did nothing. Even if they didn't see what was happening in her head, they saw her wasting away from lack of sleep or food. Isn't Azriel doing the same to Nesta by letting her be treated that way? Reaming neutral still makes him part of the problem, doesn't it?

Am I the only one who gets this bad taste in my mouth when I think about this?

#anti ic #nesta deserves better #pro nesta #anti acosf #anti rhysand #anti inner circle #nesta acotar

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ghostflowerhotpotch · 9 months

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Spiderman Society and Manipulation Part 1

Okay! I had been wanting to do this post for a while, while I don't think we can flat out call the Spiderman Society a cult, the reality is that the more you look at it, the more twisted and crazy the spider society becomes.

I had seen a lot of people complain about the spiders in the society (specially on Gwen,) of how they could let this happen and how could actually believe is a good idea to let people die. And I don't think a lot of these people realize that the organization is operating in a way that is made to manipulate people, and things are far more complicated that what you may realize.

I would estate now that a lot of the things that fall under Cult behaviours are kind of inevitable by the nature of the organization.

I also want to emphasize that I DON'T THINK MIGUEL IS EVIL, or is even aware of the damage he is doing by the way he is running this operation. I truly believe there is no one who believes more in this than him, and all he does is for the common good.

And he is so focused on that goal he doesn't realize the damage he is doing.

WARNING: The following discussion will involve talking about Cults, psychological manipulation, controlling behaviours and such. If you think these topics may be a trigger for you, please consider skipping this.

Levels of Information

It hasn't been flat out say, but you can see in the movie that there are levels to the amount of information each Spider has on the organization.

Pavitr is aware that the Spider's society duty is to stop villains and beings from other dimensions from breaking havoc; these people ended up there by accident and need to be contained and sent to their respective universes.

However, he also says "I can do both," meaning that he has to be unaware about living in a canon event, and most probably, the existence of canon events.

Hobie also, seems to be in a somewhat of an intermediate level.

Here, Hobie says how he actually doesn't have much of an idea of what's going on with the organization.

However, he does appear to know more than Pav and Miles.

Here Hobie confirms that he knows that Miles is an anomaly. At least that's the impression he gave me considering the circumstances.

Now, we need to balance a few possibilities here.

Hobie being aware of anomalies but not canon events isn't exactly the weirdest concept; anomalies are entities from another universes coming in, which is of course, not suppose to be normal occurrence in any universe. Miles being bitten by a spider from another dimension would make him an anomaly just for that alone.

Hobie didn't seem particularly surprised when the canon events conversation came up, but I can buy that 1) He knows how to hide his emotions well, which would make sense if his universe is anything similar to what it is in his comics, 2) He may had suspected something like this was going on with the information he has at hand.

This also makes sense with his character, because I am sorry but I really cannot believe Hobie knew Pav was going to go through something traumatic, and would just let Pavitr suffer. ESPECIALLY for something Miguel says.

There is the possibility that he knows about anomalies from Gwen and not the organization itself, this would track considering he has admitted that the only reason he has been hanging around is because he wants to look after Gwen; and probably Pavitr too. He seems to be the type of person who looks after more vulnerable, young people. Which is pretty punk of him.

I could also believe Gwen at least telling Hobie about anomalies, because they are close friends (FRIENDS, look I like this ghostpunk and other ships because I am like that, but in the movie is obvious Hobie just seems Gwen as a friend. Again, don't bother shippers.) And because Gwen would obviously be upset about not being able to visit Miles, and venting to Hobie (who for sure would not rat her to Miguel, and would understand her situation.) As well as explaining the reasoning of the situation.

Why would she explain that? Well, because she needs to justify this still making sense, being the good guys.

Remember, Gwen ended here not just because she wanted to be with other spiders, but because she thought her home wasn't safe anymore. She needs to justify this being worth it because she is a traumatized teen with not a lot of support and is trying to cope with it until the reality exploits her in the face.

But probably that's a conversation that is better for another day.

I don't think people are realize how absolutely TRUE this rings for Cults.

Independently if this is a religious or other type of cult (because yes, not all of them are religious;) something that tends to happen is that there are levels to what people know; and the longer and more loyal you are to a cult, the more they let you in.

In fact, the loyalty thing is sometimes more important than time; if they see you are committed enough to one level, they may let you in the next bit of information.

This is because most cults start trying to say pretty reasonably things, a lot of them involved the common good and the possibility of a better life; and then the more they convince you to some ideas, the more they let you in the crazy stuff that is actually underneath. And this is on purpose, because a lot of people wouldn't had stayed too long if they knew the bat shit crazy information from the get go.

So they intentionally manipulated you into thinking their side of things first, and then they try to become your new support network and community.

You wouldn't believe an stranger, but your new family, or I don't know, new organization, who welcomes you in when you have nowhere to go, and offer to guide you in a way you desperately wanted help but never had the chance- Why you wouldn't believe them?

Well, I am getting ahead of myself.

This is how you get cults like Scientology, where at first people only had a vague idea of what was going on, until some people got in deep enough to extract some information and reveal to the world how nuts a lot of this sounds.

Preying on those facing difficult times

I will probably had someone mad at me because this title and choosing this particular screenshoot can feel a bit like a reach, but hear me out.

Yes, I understand that neither Miguel nor Jess had bad intentions when they ask her to join, in fact Jess seemed fully worried about Gwen because she had no one.

But again, Jess and Miguel aren't in this to manipulate people for their evil schemes, they fully believe all of the philosophies they are preaching.

While Gwen's case is the most extreme (that we are aware of at least,) this really rings my alarm bells WAY too much if you ask me.

Because of things like this:

Say what you want about the commitment Miguel has with his mission, I am not saying saving the multiverse isn't important (though it would help if Miguel had bothered to double check his theory,) but if you talk to someone who has lived in an abusive household, ask exactly what it did for their mental health being afraid of fucking up because they may get you kick out.

(It's figurative speech, if you have the chance learn about it but don't ask anyone who isn't comfortable talking about the subject.)

Let me tell you something; living afraid of what would happen to you just for existing is not a walk in the park, and while I don't think Gwen is truly walking on eggshells with Miguel; it cannot be easy knowing in the back of your mind that if you mess up badly enough, you will end up in a place where you may risk ending in prison, being homeless, or that your mere presence may make someone you love die.

(After all, technically; ASM-90 can't happen if Spider-Gwen isn't there to fight anyone, right? Yeah I wonder what exactly Miguel would had done about that.)

You saw the amount of spider-people this society has, you also know how spider-man stories work; no freaking way Gwen is the only one in this situation. Maybe Gwen is the one who's situation is most at stake considering Miguel was already wary of her for her relationship with Miles; however I can't imagine that if let's say, a spider doesn't want to go along with a canon event, they wouldn't let them stay.

"But OP! Miguel is just trying to be practical, you can't pretend he let people stay if they are putting in risk the mission."

Yeah here is what I have to say to that: Is absolutely horrible to let this scenario exist in the first place.

There is plenty of resources here; the Spider Society HQ has a weird architecture that couldn't had been cheap, all because is made for spider-people in mind. The place is HUGE, he is on the surface world (because unless I see evidence of otherwise, I bet my laptop that the underworld city is where crime and people without too many resources need to go, for not being able to afford the surface.) Not to mention all the technology they have should open to more possibilities, right? If not health wise (Miguel's world is probably more medically advanced that the ones of many other spiders, for example.)

There is no way, resources couldn't be use to help other spiders. I say it before, I find ludicrous that Jess, Miguel or someone else couldn't talk some sense into Captain Stacy. Or that someone could be supporting Gwen better in an emotional sense, because that poor teen needs some type of parental figure in her life and none of them have interest in it. Which again, is fine, but if you know there is this issue, as an adult who decided to take this teen, you should find someone willing to do it!

I do not give a shit that they are super heroes, is plain as day that Gwen has issues, and is looking for someone older and wiser to be there for her; I am not saying Jess should had done it because I can't blame her for not wanting that role, but if you can't do it and for some reason can't talk some sense into his dad, find someone!

Yes, there is a psych spider-man, but that is clearly not doing enough. Heck I wouldn't be surprised if the guy wasn't even good (like I get that he is a spidey and that he hears these stuff constantly, but imagine telling something that is traumatic to you, and your psych can't give less of a shit or even be sensible about the subject.)

They have these people in a choke hold, either obey, or you would get kicked out to horrible conditions.

I had been reading a few comics; Gwen's world SUCKS, if her world is half as bad as it is in the comics, I wouldn't want her going back, period. Peni also has some horrible circumstances; (her situation is better in the after school saga, but still.) I can't imagine how many others are in this exact boat.

Because is not just that this place is providing a safe heaven for Spiders, is also a community.

Spider-people tend to be lonely, a lot of them are in worlds where they are the only super hero, keeping this a secret for the safety of their love ones.

So you are telling these people who are normally abused in some way or another, who suffer from the loneliness of this job; that unless they behave and obey, they will lose the only community where they can be themselves, where they can ask for help, or have a place to rest.

And I can already see people typing angrily about the multiverse and it's well being, and let me put it this way: In the real world, if an organization (not just a company, but charities and such,) ends up having a work space that puts an unnecessary level of stress and fear for the people in it; wouldn't you be mad about it?

So why exactly I shouldn't want Miguel, someone that should be a good guy, care for the people that he has under his command? Wouldn't make sense that the people that need to take care of the multiverse are doing mentally well, considering that putting that type of strain in someone can also affect how they do their job effectively?

"But Miguel is not thinking about those things, he is focused to the cause! He just has his priorities, and wants his subordinates to understand how important is this too."

Hmm. So what I am hearing is that Miguel wants everyone to be ready to let whoever is necessary die, if not kill (because you cannot tell me Miguel "I don't always like what I have to do." O' Hara hasn't done it.) And leave everything behind for the cause, no feelings involved; and wants teens and young people who had no business being this pressured to do it as well.

Yeah this is not the argument you think it is. There is enough money, resources and people that there is no way this couldn't be run better, but is not.

But I feel I had gone long enough without bringing other sources into the table; so let's start with that shall we?

Understanding Cults: The Basics - Psychology Today

Isn't an interesting coincidence how this fits EXACTLY what happened to Gwen, to a T?

Is approached to, not even shown interested in joining on her own. Look at that screenshot from earlier, Gwen says "I don't know how to fix this," she wants to fix THIS, the things with her dad, to make her situation less messy.

She doesn't know what she is getting into, she doesn't even know that she will not be able to visit Miles yet. Much less canon and all that jazz.

Think about it for a second, Miguel sees a teen who has her own dad try to SHOOT HER, and what he sees is "well, another recruit." Tell me that it isn't a bit fucked up.

You could try to argue that Miguel offered his place so she could have a shelter, except that no, that's not what happens.

This happens after her dad already tried to shoot her, he may had stopped it, but he wasn't interested in recruiting her, not even after Jess is trying to convince him to let her in.

You know what happens? She says "I don't know how to fix this."

That's the catalyst.

I thought of finding a way to explain how, but honestly someone did a MUCH better job than me already.

Miguel's DESTRUCTIVE Idea of "SPIDER-MAN"

If anyone is bothered by me not leaving the explanation behind Miguel's reasoning, is because this conversation isn't about Miguel's mental health and reasoning. Because that's not excuse for this mess regardless.

The point is: Miguel wants people to help him fix this mess, and even if the logical conclusion here would be helping her out with her situation rather than just include her into this mess; Miguel isn't thinking about that.

I will not say is malicious in any way, heck he may think he is doing her a favour like this, but that's another problem, not an excuse. He is so focused on his goal that he leaves behind the well-being of his subordinates.

Which is a problem, by any measure you want to give it.

Let's go back to the sources shall we?

With this at hand, let's review

Do they enlist people without giving the entire story of what's is going on and deceptive ideas? Yes.

Because they enlist people saying they need them to help save more people and the universe, WITHOUT mentioning that some of YOUR love ones need to die.

I feel on this angle, I had already mentioned enough in the rest of the post.

It is authoritarian, with a leader that is controlling? Well what if we see the evidence?

Look how many angles he has here, is not even all of them, there was another with Gwen in another shot. I am not sure what type of camera or device he is using for this, but wouldn't you find it disturbing if your boss had THIS amount of footage of you while walking on your company?

It gets worse.

He is spying them in their downtime.

You could make the argument he had the right to watch over Gwen because she was technically on duty at that moment (it doesn't make it less creepy and honestly unless you are like a cop, I can't imagine too many jobs where is a good idea to have something record what you do at any moment.)

Except that you can see in the superior corner, that he has a video of Hobie playing; he doesn't have his mask so this is clearly not a mission. He is spying on people even OFF the clock.

Do any of you seriously think is a coincidence he did this with Gwen and Hobie, the "problematic" spideys?

Do you think Gwen and Hobie even know to the degree they are being watched?

(Sidenote, Miguel apparently has been looking over Hobie, yet seems unaware that he is making his own watches apparently, and maybe to which extend he steals. Hobie is so smart he fooled Miguel just like that. Another reason why Hobie is the best.)

You know something that bothers me about this? Is why is Gwen asking this?

Gwen is supposedly in the loop, she knows about canon, she knows about the ASM-90, but she is asking this, as if she hasn't been given that hard proof either.

Which goes back to the lack of transparency, but for this part of the discussion, the important thing is what Miguel does next.

Doesn't answer her question, menacingly towers over her until she almost falls back, and then kicks her out.

Do you notice the interesting part about this? He wasn't planning to sent her home, until she QUESTIONED his logic.

It wasn't about she going to see Miles, it wasn't about messing up with the spot; if it was about that he would had decided to get rid of her earlier, even the second she spoke her mind would had justified it, making it remember she was there.

Yet is not until she asks that, that suddenly Miguel decides this is enough.

Wouldn't you call that authoritative?

Let's go to the next part, the disrupt of personality; because maybe you think that's definitely not the case. Well...

You may read this and not think too much about it, but again, when you had been looking into cults and similar stuff before, this starts siren bells in your head as if he was talking about a doomsday.

Miguel is emphasizing how being Spider-man involves sacrifice, it involves pain and losing love ones. And you need to be okay with that.

You can see with Miguel that he prioritizes the job above everything else, he says that much himself really. And he expects everyone else to prioritize it too.

Sure, Peter is a loving father with clearly time for his daughter, Jess is pregnant; but you cannot tell me that if a canon event involved Peter losing his daughter, or Jess losing her kid; Miguel would say something different.

He expects people to follow canon events no matter how painful it is, and his justification for it is that it is part of the job that you signed for, so you need to be okay with this.

Because being a spider-person and the job should be above all else, don't you think that involves forcing an identity onto you so you obey better? Because you are first spider-woman over being Gwen Stacy, for example?

Tell me how much of this applies to the Spider Society, because for what I had gathered? None of this is allowed.

People aren't allowed to interact with who they want (like Gwen being obviously forbidden of seeing Miles,) if you question the leadership you may be kicked out; not complete information until you had proven trustworthy or there is no other choice.

And something interesting about all of this, is that is technically not just preying on the people with difficult circumstances like Gwen, though that is bad enough. But funnily enough...this all also uses the trauma and guilt of its eldest members to justify their actions.

BUT, I think that would go better with a part 2! I feel the topic while part of this discussion, deserves it's own post, specially since I will talk a bit about why I think Miguel believes so far in this theory, even if the evidence shows is flawed.

Look, I really, REALLY, don't want to call the Spider Society a cult; I don't even think the writers had that in mind when they did this; they just wanted to show that Miguel was flawed.

And is for sure, not as bad as other things that I had seen, things that had happened in real life.

However, this isn't a good look, this organization checks way too many boxes, enough to effectively give psychological damage; I can assure if this wasn't a super hero movie Gwen and other people will have to go through therapy for this. Heck even if this trilogy has a happy ending I wouldn't be surprised if the people need some psychological help once they realize they did horrible shit for nothing.

I feel there is another things, minor details that could qualify, but those feels almost nitpicky and inconsequential compared to the rest, and what some of what is left..

I don't think I need to give more reasons anyways; the Spider Society is harmful to their people, feel free to think otherwise but I cannot see an operation with this many red flags and not call it how I see it.

I don't know what's worse, this, or the fact that is not the worse thing I think Miguel has done.

But that's everything for now! Hope you guys like it, and if you have the chance, please donate on my ko-fi or share this post!

#atsv files #atsv #across the spiderverse #miguel o' hara #spider society #gwen stacy #jessica drew #hobie brown #miles morales

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starhrtz · 1 year

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— 001. ACTING FANTASY

CHAPTER PREMISE — you didn’t expect to be dragged into a mess when you made friends with a certain red headed girl, a simple interview day somehow turned to a chaotic mess.

SERIES PREMISE — after a mysterious death, you find yourself being reborn as an actor's daughter. everything seems to be smooth-sailing in this life before you came across a strange star eyed boy during your junior year in high school. this strange yet fortune encounter leads to a spiral of love yet grief.

CONTAINS — 1.1k+ word count uhh nothinh else i think

A/N — oh em gee first chapter is finally released !!! AND YES I DID MAKE A LOT OF PJSK REFERENCES :')

series masterlist | next

"grades aren't everything-"

Your parents' voice was zoned out as your eyes stared at your report book, your smile faltered as you noticed your grades have been going down and down. What was the point in trying if your grades would always stay so low no matter how much you tried? You were always convinced that you are just like your brother, smart and the best at everything so why does this sheet of paper differ from what you heard throughout your life? Why were you third in your class, you have always been at the top so why are you dropping all of a sudden? You still remembered clearly, the two classmates snickering and smirking at you proudly showing off their grades. They…don't deserve it, your teeth were gritted as you walked home.

Why was it them who were at the top? None of their work was as good as yours, their grammar and sentence structure needed work… right? Oh, how you hated their grins, you could tell by their faces that they knew you hated losing especially coming in third place but they also knew that you suspected them of using their parent's money to bribe the school. What kind of school is this? Letting people bribe the school staff just so they could be at the top? What a bunch of spoiled-

"Hinomori, are you alright?"

A voice snapped you out of your train of thought, you took a deep breath before looking over to your new friend and potential classmate. (name) hinomori was the new identity you yield after the incident, that grin that they had on their face… It reminded you of your classmates. You haven't told anyone about your reincarnation, your family not your group mates after all they'll most likely call you crazy or just laugh it off thinking it was a joke. Reincarnation… was a silly thing if you had to be honest, perhaps the fate you suffered from really was a cruel one? You plastered on a reassuring smile and looked at the red-haired girl.

"Mhm just slightly nervous about the interview that's all, but you do know you could call me by my first name.. Kana."

"Y-yeah, I know I'm just not used to it that's all! I am a big fan of your work too…"

Kana exclaimed while whispering the last part which you slightly laughed at before Kana was called to the interview room. Yota high school was one of the few schools which had a performing arts program, though it was only eligible to people affiliated with a company it did make you feel grateful you and your friends were scouted not long ago by SEKAI productions due to their recent project wanting groups with different personalities to make a debut under their name yet the company was far from sketchy. All the staff and idols were always welcoming to new debuts, even going as far as a small party.

You looked out the window as you waited your turn, it disappointed you that none of the other members of A✩𝖱𝖠 came to this school so sadly you were alone in this school… You sighed before hearing your name being called out by one of the interviewers, Kana gave you a confident smile and a thumbs up wishing you good luck. You smiled and gave her a quick wink as you walked into the performing arts room, you shouldn't show any signs of fear or hesitation that was one of the things your parents taught you whenever they made you go for auditions.

"I'm (name) Hinomori, affiliated with SEKAI Productions."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

As you walked out of the interview room, you breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps you should ask Airi to make the choreography a little easier later, though you knew you most likely aced the interview judging by the interviewer's faces alone. You sighed as you walked the empty hallways,though you were rather happy about being born into such a successful life it still sort of upsets you when you had to attend high school again after all your senior year was where your grades started going downhill…

“WHAT THE HECK!!?!”

Kana’s shrieking could be heard from further down the hall way. Yet when you reached there you saw Kana along with two other people who you don’t reconsider, but judging by Kana’s face they might be her friends..?

“I’LL BULLY YOU, I REALLY WIL-“

“Kana, there you are!”

You exclaimed walking up to the trio, while the blonde boy seemed to be confused on who you are yet the girl who you assumed to be his sister seems to be starstrucked? Their eyes… were pretty. That was the first thing that came to your mind as you got a better view of how they look, you snapped out of your thoughts before looking back at Kana.

“I didn’t want to be the crying girl’s junior but if it means that Hinomori could be my senior, I’ll gladly endure her whining!”

“Hey I got ears, ya’know!”

You muffled a giggle as you watched the two argue, was the brother too used to this type of situation? It looked like the two weren’t going to stop arguing anytime soon, you sighed and looked at the blonde boy who seemed rather deep in thought.

“Wait, have you worked with Gotanda Taishi before? I think I saw you once in his films…”

You looked up with them and nervously smiled, even when your parents were actors somehow… it didn’t suit right you or perhaps it made you slightly cringed whenever you watched clips of yourself acting though it was most likely the latter if you had to be honest, yet even when you told your parents about your decision to quit acting they weren’t upset. Sure, in their eyes there was disappointment but it held approval as well perhaps because you made your own choice of career paths at a young age?

“I haven’t heard that name in a while… but yeah I did. Why’d you ask?”

He shrugged his shoulders, after all what was he meant to say? That the director, his boss, used one of your quotes that you had said on tv once to try and motivate him? Of course not, scaring you wasn’t his goal and he was pretty sure Ruby might kill him if he tries and scare you away from them.

“Well, see ya, I’m heading over to the director’s place.”

Somehow, you felt it was directed to you yet it caught Kana’s attention, immediately breaking away from her and Ruby’s petty fight though could it really be considered a fight? “Wait where do you think your going!” Kana shouted running after Aqua, taking your hand and following him. Oh god, what have you dragged yourself into now?

please do reblog or comment if you like this!! It rlly makes me motivated to see positive comments or reblogs w tags!!

➜ TAGLIST: @aranachan @cerisearan @miyakoa @yevene @atomi-mi @bajifairyy @itonashi @lxry-chxn @rymtea @kult-o

#oshi no ko x reader #oshi no ko fanfic #oshi no ko #aqua x reader #aqua hoshino x reader #aquamarine hoshino x reader #aqua hoshino #aquamarine x reader #aquamarine #aquamarine hoshino #oshi no ko aqua #x reader #★ — writing

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earlgreytea68 · 3 months

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Many years ago now, when I was a very unhappy and depressed lawyer, I went to see a therapist. The therapist diagnosed that I was suffering from severe levels of stress and asked me to keep a "stress journal": for the week between appointments, I was to write down whenever I felt my stress spike.

When I returned to the next appointment with my stress journal, the therapist was shocked I'd actually done the assignment. He said nobody actually keeps a physical journal. I suspected that maybe he didn't fully understand my personality type and the fact that some of my stress was the result of PEOPLE ASKING ME TO DO THINGS THEY APPARENTLY DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT ME TO DO BUT I WAS RESPONSIBLY DOING THEM BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I AM.

Anyway, I digress, that's not the point of the story. The point was that when we looked together at my stress journal, we diagnosed that a recurrent source of spiking stress was receiving an email. This was so many years ago that it was before the smartphone, in the age of the BlackBerry, and every time my stupid BlackBerry vibrated, my stress skyrocketed. Having figured that out, the therapist was like, "What happens if you miss an email for an hour?" And that was hard to articulate. Probably nothing, tbh. Like, realistically I could go without checking my email if I was too busy with work, so why couldn't I when I was home watching TV? So the therapist suggested I confine my email checking to a set schedule. Only at the appointed times would I check my email and deal with whatever had come in.

And you know what? The world never ended, and it WAS a huge relief not to feel like I had to immediately be available for every email. To this day, my work email does NOT come to my phone and I only check it at my appointed times of day. (Actually, I resisted getting a smartphone until very late because after I left the law firm I thought the most glorious thing in the world was PEOPLE COULDN'T REACH ME.)

Anyway, I was thinking about all that today because I had a bad day at work and I realized that I was dreading checking my email and it just made me think that I have lingering issues around email. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I was like, ...no, I probably have lingering issues around WORK because of that job experience I had. Like, was it really about what emails I might have, or was it because I spent the day feeling manipulated in an unpleasant way that made me wary and suspicious of certain things around me, and then THAT made me think, like, I was overreacting because of the way that previous job experience was and the fact that the way it manipulated and abused me will never actually fully leave me, but THEN I was like, OR is it that I honed excellent instincts for that kind of situation happening and I should listen to myself when I feel that way, or or or--

Which is all to say that I wonder sometimes how I would have developed as a professional had I not had that career experience so early on in my life. But then I am in a weird way grateful for it, not because it forever kind of messed up my head in some ways but because I learned SO MUCH about those messed-up situations. Like, it was awful, don't get me wrong, but I did learn a bunch of coping mechanisms I still use today. Like limiting my email exposure. And I think I am warier than a lot of other people I know who didn't go through a workplace that mentally abused you the way that mine did, but I'm not so sure that's a terrible thing. I think it makes me touchy about work-life boundaries and i think there are way worse things to be in our capitalist society.

And also, every once in a while I think about the fact that I didn't think I was going to make it through those years but I did and I am pretty proud of myself for that, so also that. I made it through the other side when I honestly for real didn't think that I would, and every once in a while I have a day that reminds me of how I felt all the time back then, and it makes me remember to be grateful how many days I've gotten to have without that feeling.

#personal #stress #therapy #work

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lokisprettygirl · 16 days

Text

Rain to his Fire (Modern! Daemon Targaryen x Female Reader) (Non Canon 80s Au) (18+)

Read Chapter 6 here// Series Masterlist

Chapter 7

Summary: Amidst the chaos of learning the truth about Tanya, you meet someone from the past and things develop between you and Daemon.

Warning: 18+, smutty scenarios, crude language, description of Statutory rape, discussion of mental health (it's a fic based in a mental health facility), mention of physical assault, the fic would contain several mentions of several disorders like mpd, did etc, if something triggers you don't read, smoking.

As you heard the news about Tanya, your heart started to race and your chest began to feel tight. You knew that you needed a moment to yourself, so you hastily excused yourself from the cafeteria and ran hurriedly to make your way to the fourth floor to get to your room.

On the way you saw Daemon as he was being escorted for his session and the washed out look on your face concerned him to say the least.

As soon as you went inside your room, you locked the door and sat down on the bed to think about Tanya. Poor girl, she was suffering so much with her sickness while she was here. But she seemed so happy while she was discharged, she hugged you so warmly as if she couldn't wait to get out of this place, then what happened to her?

And Why was her body found near King's landing?

You were lost in all the questions when you remembered the note you had found under her mattress so you quickly got up and reached into your closet.

Reading the note now filled you with immense guilt and uneasiness, at first you had assumed that she was just paranoid of her environment, a mental health facility wasn't exactly a happy place to be in, you figured that it was one of her personalities just writing anything but now your heart felt sinking into your guts as you realized that the note could have been a distress call for help.

Perhaps she knew something, or someone who was trying to harm her. You felt nauseous about the implications of the note, perhaps you could have helped her if you had passed on the note to the police. You should have looked for her, why didn't you?

Tears rolled down your eyes as you remembered her sweet face, she was so young and kind and she didn't deserve whatever had happened to her.

That afternoon members of the staff were informed that the police would be interviewing each member separately, you had never been questioned by the police before so obviously it made you nervous.

You couldn't even breathe properly, at one moment it seemed as if you'd die of a heart attack like your mother did.

As you were finally called in, you went inside Dr Darren’s office, the investigation was being held there.

“Good afternoon” you mumbled as you sat down. There were two men sitting opposite you, a middle aged brown haired man and the other one with dark hair seemed younger, and he also seemed familiar for some reason.

"I'm Detective Hightower," the older man said, introducing himself and his partner, "Detective Criston." You nodded nervously and tried to take in a deep breath, but your chest felt constricted still..

"You seem nervous," Det. Criston Spoke as he offered you a glass of water. "Have a drink”

“I'm fine..i am just nervous” you spoke nervously,

“Don't be.. it's routine..we just have a few questions regarding Tanya Anderson” Your eyes teared up as Det. Hightower said her name.

“Sure” you were looking anywhere but at the officers and you wondered if they would see you as a suspect because you were acting really suspicious.

“You're tearing up, I can imagine it must be hard as you were assigned as her custodian, is that correct?” Det. Criston asked, his voice firm but professional.

“Yeahh”

You had tried so hard to control your tears but you failed eventually so you placed your hand over your eyes as you cried as silently as you could. Det. Criston got up from his chair and offered you the glass of water so you took it from him this time.

“Thank you and I'm sorry”

You mumbled meekly so Det. Hightower gave you a comforting smile.

“It's alright, take your time”

A minute later you finally took a deep breath and looked up at them.

“Okay I'm ready..thank you for being so kind” you said politely as you recovered from the outburst you had just now.

“No issues..so y/n..how long have you been here for?”

“Two years”

“Was Miss Tanya the first person you looked after, not just as a custodian but as a friendly companion as well?” Hightower asked so you shook your head in response.

“There are several patients I care for while I'm on duty, she was one of them but we definitely got along, she just seemed so out of place here when she wasn't suffering from her ailments” they looked at each other as you said that.

“What do you mean?” Hightower inquired,

“She seemed normal most of the time and then sometimes she would freak out out of nowhere, she was suffering from multiple personality disorder or something. Dr. Vis was treating her here at the facility” you told them so Hightower nodded his head as he wrote down your statement. Why did you have to mention Vis? They must know that already.

“Alright …did she ever tell you anything personal, about anyone trying to hurt her or just anything really?” Criston inquired so you shook your head.

“No, not really, she often talked about her childhood but never went into much detail.”

“Okay good, thanks for your time y/n, we will connect again if required” Criston said to you so you nodded and as you were about to get up you realized that now was the one and only chance you'd get to tell them about the note you had found, even though it might get you in trouble with the management.

“Can I ask you something?” you asked nervously so Det. Hightower gave you a slight nod.

“What happened to her? When did she die?” You asked them solemnly so they shared a look with each other.

“It's a classified information that we can't share just yet”

“Okay ummm the day after she was discharged from here, I was cleaning her room for the new patient and found this under her mattress, perhaps it can be of help”

Criston grabbed the piece of paper and as soon as he had read it, you saw the worried look on his face instantly.

“Who else knows about this?” Hightower asked you.

“Nobody” as you answered you noticed that he seemed instantly relieved.

“Thanks for bringing this up to us”

You nodded as they dismissed but as you stepped out of the office you heard Detective Criston calling your name so you turned around.

“Hey y/n..I think you didn't recognise me in there” You looked at him confused as he said that, he did seem familiar. “It's Cole, we went to middle school together.. perhaps the term rock boy would jog your memory?”

“Oh you're the boy that collected rocks ..oh i know youuuu” you smiled as you finally recalled the memory, it brought an unexpected smile to your face. “So detective huh? That's amazing... wow that's so cool” you said to him as you crossed your arms.

“Thank you..well i am still obsessed with collecting rocks though” You let out a small laugh as he said that.

“Why have I never seen you here before?” You asked him so he sighed deeply

“Because I just got transferred like a month ago, I was in Bradford before I got here” you nodded as he said that.

“Ahhh well okay..i better get back to my work now, but it was really nice catching up with you” you mumbled politely so he gave you a smile.

“Sure”

“Ummm if you find out something about her. Will you let me know?” You asked him so he nodded in response.

“Is there a number I can call here to connect with you?” He asked you so you nodded so he took out a pen from the coat's pocket and offered you his palm as a parchment.

“Uhhh okay” you chuckled nervously as you grabbed onto his fingers to write the digits on his palm before you mumbled a goodbye..

As you turned around you saw Daemon standing a few feet away from you with two guards holding onto him. He was staring deeply into your soul and it made you nervous.

“Not this guy again” you heard Criston mumbling so you turned around to look at him. Did they know each other? The events of the day were becoming increasingly strange. It was especially puzzling since Daemon wasn't even here when Tanya left so why was he being questioned.

You hadn't seen Daemon all day, so visiting his room directly seemed risky. Waiting until night, you knocked on his door once before sneaking into the terrace and walked towards the ledge, looking down. Your heart sank again as you thought about Tanya, imagining her final moments stirred emotions you didn't wish to face. You couldn't shake off the feeling of helplessness, knowing that you weren't there for her when she needed someone in her corner.

The scent of mahogany filled your nostrils before he had his arm wrapped around your waist so you turned around and hugged him tightly, finally letting the tears out. Caressing your head gently he then placed a soft kiss on your shoulder. Your fingers clenched around his shirt as you felt the warmth of his body, on a cold night he felt like a comforting bonfire.

“I found a note under the mattress, a cry for help and i ignored it..i thought she probably wrote it in her fits of paranoia, what if I had caused it…what if it could have been prevented if I had gone to the authorities or perhaps if I would have checked on her–” your lips trembled as you spoke, you had been keeping it all in since this morning and his hot comforting embrace was all you needed in the moment.

“Shhhhh it's not your fault alright? You couldn't have known darling..it's an unfortunate tragedy but you can't put the blame on yourself okay” you shook your head as he said that so he cupped your cheeks and wiped your tears “Hey look at me..not your fault, none of this is your fault” he mumbled softly so you placed your head back on his chest and nodded as you let out your tears until you couldn't cry any more.

Once your breathing leveled back to normal you pulled away from him.

“Why did they call you in for questioning? You weren't even here back then” you asked him, worry evident in your voice.

“I don't really know..why did that copper have your telephone number on his palm?” He asked you, a hint of jealousy visible and it made you smile a little.

“We went to school together..he remembered me” he squinted his eyes for a moment before he rolled them around in typical Daemon fashion.

“He's an arse” he grumbled.

“Why would you say that? Do you know him from before?”

“It doesn't matter..how are you feeling?” he asked as he shifted the conversation again.

“Okay..I'm okay” you mumbled softly.

“You should get out of this forsaken place once in a while” he said to you.

“And go where..do what?”

“Anything..you're young and beautiful, live your fucking life” you let out a chuckle as he said that.

“And do exactly what out there? Get drunk in bars and have sex with random men?” he grabbed the back of your neck as you said that, the smirk on your face only boiled his anger. He hated imagining that scenario in his head, a sight of you in some other man's bed, writhing and moaning underneath him.

“I'd kiss you right now if I wasn't your first kiss” he whispered against your mouth so you stifled the moan that was threatening to spill from deep within you.

“I have been kissed before”

“I don't think so”

The audacity. Not that he was wrong.

“It wasn't consensual but i have been kissed” his brows furrowed as you said that.

“Elaborate”

“You don't want to know trust me”

“I do want to know”

“Well long story short I was at party with few of my friends, I got drunk out of my mind and then started to cry because I was just sad.. really sad, about my life and I kept crying and this guy that I was dancing with kissed me out of nowhere.. and i hated it, I didn't like it at all” you mumbled hurriedly so he grabbed your cheeks between his palms. If he had enough information he'd have found the guy and perhaps beat him to pulp for touching you like that in your vulnerable advantageous state.

“I'm starting to see why you're so appalled by intimacy”

“I'm not against it..i just don't want to do it with every other fella” he smirked as you responded. He knew you would want to do it with him sooner or later, his ego was soaring these days due to that particular reason.

“Kissing a person you adore is a high darling, nothing short of a drug” he whispered in your ear so you pulled away from him to control yourself.

“You must have kissed many people then” you taunted him so he chuckled.

“Didn't really adore half of them”

“Well i didn't enjoy being kissed so–”

“Were you attracted to that bloke who forced himself upon you?” he asked strictly.

“No”

“That's why..you have to have the hots for the man who's into your mouth darling” you bit on your lips as he said that. You had definite hots for him and you wanted his mouth in yours.

“We should go”

Before we do something stupid you thought.

He stared at your lips for a moment so you placed your hands on his chest and nudged him slightly to get out of his warmth but you weren't really expecting what he was about to say next. Unpredictable as always.

“Sleep with me tonight” his tone was deathly serious and you couldn't deny how your intimate areas were tingling at the prospect of it.

“Are you joking?” you chuckled to hide your arousal.

“No ..I'm not joking, I'm not asking you to have sex with me, just sleep with me, in the same bed”

“That's not a good idea at all”

It was a great idea but a risk you couldn't take these days, besides you had never slept with a man you were attracted to before.

“I'll come to your window..nobody will know”

“No ..stop..lets go” you giggled as you dragged him along with you to take him back to his room.

Once you laid down in your bed, your mind shifted from thoughts of Tanya to those of Daemon, you wondered how it would feel to have him so close to you, his mouth rubbing against yours slowly and sensually.

The following day, you were assigned to clean room 390, formerly occupied by Mrs. Rodriguez, who had been discharged. This left you surprised, considering her frail mental state. While tidying up, the sound of the door opening caught your attention, and Doctor Vis stepped in, his presence intimidating and commanding like always.

“Good morning doctor” you mumbled politely so he gave you a smile and walked closer to you, you didn't even understand what he was doing or why he was looking at you like that but a part of you knew it couldn't have been about anything else but Daemon. Your life seemed to revolve around him only these days.

“Did you hear about the upcoming gala on Sunday?” He asked you so you nodded in response. The fundraising gala was traditionally held annually at King's Landing institution, offering a unique opportunity for patients, doctors, and staff to come together for one night, setting apart from the usual daily routine.

“I want you to take my…uhhh i want you to make sure that Daemon is on his best behavior at the gala” He said to you, making you all perplexed about his motive.

“How would I do that?” you asked him firmly so he smiled again.

“Just keep him engaged in conversations, think of it as a part of your duty and you'll earn a hefty bonus immediately”

Well the bonus would be nice but the entire situation bewildered you. Why did he only assign these extra tasks to you? Especially after that day when he had seen Daemon attacking you?

On the night of the gala, you chose to pamper yourself with a refreshing shower and meticulous grooming. After doing your makeup, you slipped into a black, full-length dress gifted to you by your mother, a piece you had never worn before, you never found the occasion for it.

You didn't dress up this lavishly for the previous galas as you really didn't care unlike this year. The dress featured thin straps that hugged your figure, a smidgen of cleavage on display, leaving you feeling both elegant but also slightly exposed. However you wanted to look sexy tonight, it was strange having such feelings, wanting to dress up for someone, getting all dolled up so he'd look at you differently and would perhaps make your knees tremble with his inappropriate touching and filthy words.

You enjoyed that feeling.

As you reached the main hall you felt everyone's eyes on you, especially your colleagues, they were not used to seeing you so made up.

There were plenty of influential people invited at the gala, it was a grand affair, alot to look forward to but your eyes wandered around to just see him, besides you had a job to do.

You didn't know what you were expecting but you definitely didn't expect to see Daemon in an all black suit that gave him the aura of a royal prince. Two guards had been appointed by the Viserys to bring him to the venue but as he entered Viserys gestured them to uncuff him from the shackles and then he gestured to you to keep an eye on him. The look hadn't gone unnoticed by Daemon as he walked towards you.

“Who knew you were hiding all this behind that granny dress you wear everyday” he mumbled as he neared you so you rolled your eyes.

“Who knew you were capable of wearing a two-piece suit?” you retorted making him chuckle in response

“You look gorgeous love” he muttered, a smirk playing on his lips,

“You look handsome” you responded honestly.

“Thank you”

“I'll get a drink” you turned around to get to the bar as you felt flushed under his intense gaze. As soon as you had your back to him he stared at your hips shamelessly while you walked away from him and cursed profanities under his breath, the dress hugged you in all the right places and his instincts were screaming at him to pounce on you right now.

To claim you in every possible way, show you what you were missing in your bed every night.

He was half a wild unruly creature and sometimes you made it really hard for him to keep that animal intact inside him, your alluring presence ignited the fire already burning within him, compelling him to satisfy that beast who just wanted to mate with his mate.

You made it really hard for him, literally and figuratively.

His eyes met with Shyla at the other end of the hallway but she quickly looked away as he approached you.

“It's my birthday” he mumbled as he stood next to you at the bar so you looked at him surprised.

“Really?”

“You can check my records”

“Why didn't you tell me all day?” You asked him so he rolled his eyes.

“I don't celebrate it”

“Why not?” you probed further to make him open up so he sighed.

“You need friends and family to do so.. didn't have any of that growing up” there was a hint of sadness in his tone and you felt your heart clenching at the sight of him.

“Well..how old are you now?”’

“35.. I feel ancient”

“I hear you” you hesitated for a moment before you spoke further,

“I have a job to do ..Dr. Vis have asked me to keep you in line and in return i would receive an early bonus” he chuckled as you said that, clearly amused.

“He's an imbecile” he scoffed

“True but he's being cautious, you areeee unpredictable” you admitted to which he responded with a smirk.

“Uhhhuh and that arse thinks a pretty little thing like you would get me under control if I wanted to go berserk right about now?” he asked arrogantly as he stepped closer to you. The scent of mahogany made your knees weak already and he hadn't even touched you yet.

“Perhaps I can do that” you replied confidentially as if to challenge him.

“You're overconfident love…I care about you but you can't tie me on a leash and have me wrapped around your fingers like a domestic pet” His words were affecting you in ways you couldn't even describe to yourself, you didn't think it was possible to feel so turned on by a man speaking to you so callously.

"Mhmmm, perhaps I would simply have to manipulate you emotionally." He raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued as you challenged him again.

“And how would you do that?”

“Like this” you made a sad face and your eyes teared up suddenly as you looked at him with that pathetic puppy look on your face, his eyes softened for a moment before he realized that you were messing with him.

“Oh you little minx”

You couldn't help but grin at his response, feeling the sizzling chemistry between you, the flirting and the electric tension filling the air. The sight of him dressed so sharply added fuel to the fire, igniting a heat within your core. He then walked so close to you that there was not an inch of space left between your bodies, for a moment you worried about being seen like this but his words kept you hooked to him.

“Ask me to be nice and I won't disappoint you” he whispered in your ear.

“Will you be nice please?” You asked him softly so he caressed the bridge of your nose before he stepped away from you.

“You got it Princess”

And he upheld his promise, throughout the gala he was well behaved and polite with everyone, not that many people were interacting with him. He was misunderstood and he had done nothing to diffuse those rumors about him attacking Shyla. Sometimes you envied the power he had where he didn't give any fucks about his reputation.

Later that night you grabbed a piece of cake and made your way to his room, he had left the Gala before you and you didn't want to look suspicious so you waited for a bit before you stole the cake and sneaked out quietly.

Like always he had his door open so you entered immediately.

As expected, you found him standing by the window, his arms resting against the frame, the soft light of the moon bathing his silhouette.

“Happy birthday” you mumbled softly as he turned around and his gaze met with yours. The gentle flicker of the candle you had carefully placed on the cake casted a warm orange hue and he didn't know what it was about the gesture but it made him want to cry. All his adult life he had fought against emotions like these but with you he was failing miserably.

He walked towards you as he stared at you so you gestured towards the cake,

“Blow and make a wish” you told him so he chuckled and shook his head but his resolved melted as you made a pout, you didn't bring any fork so you cut the corner of the slice with your fingers and offered the sweet delicious treat to him, you weren't really expecting him to suck your fingers clean off the delicious cream. He grabbed the plate from your hands and stepped away from you to place it on the dresser before he approached you again.

“I want to touch you” he murmured under his breath and your heart ceased to beat for a moment.

“Where?” you asked hesitantly but evidently turned on by the husky whisper of his voice.

“Everywhere” he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer to his chest so you looked up at him.

“You can't start touching me everywhere at once, it's …scary” you mumbled softly.

His fingers trailed up from your wrist and you shuddered as they caressed the curve of your shoulders, he messed around with the straps of your dress before he lowered them down, exposing your clavicle and a bit of cleavage, it wasn't really much but you felt as if you were all naked , you felt as if he could see right through you and the thought made you feel so aroused.

As his thumbs traced over your collarbone, your eyes rolled back in your head involuntary.

“Is this alright? Not too much, hmm?” he asked, his voice gentle but slightly mocking in your ears.

“No..not much..” the trembling of your voice betrayed the conviction in your words.

“Yet you're shaking like a leaf” he murmured as his thumb traced over the curve of your breasts, ragged breaths escaped your chest at the touch. You could feel yourself dripping in your thong. “Depriving yourself of such pleasures all your life? It's a shame darling, a woman as sensual as you was made to be ridden every night”

You silenced him with a gentle press of your palm against his lips as he spoke filthily.

“I don't want to be touched by anyone or everyone” you mumbled meakly as his hands wrapped around your neck like a necklace, his hold both possessive and gentle at the same time.

“And I would be honored if you'd allow me to savor a part of you that you've never shared before, my sweet girl. I promise to keep it safe, secure, and thoroughly pleased.” your eyes moistened at the sincerity in his voice.

“Mmmmhm? Kiss me then”

You looked him in the eye and cupped his cheeks as before you got angled up and pecked his lips briefly.

He leaned down and took a whiff of your scent before he sucked a mark on your neck, his lips then trailed up to your jaw and as he kissed the corner of your mouth, you felt your knees trembling with anticipation.

“Daemon” you whispered against his mouth as he cupped your cheeks.

“Mmm?” He asked, concern filled his voice as he didn't want to make you uncomfortable in the slightest.

“I …adore you..very much”

“As do i”’

With those words he then planted his lips on yours, your breath hitched in your chest as you gasped in his mouth, the wave of feelings that you experienced felt unfamiliar. This feeling that you had, you couldn't have anticipated it. It definitely wasn't the same as kissing your own hand as a child to practice kissing, and it definitely didn't feel as awful as it had with that man you didn't even remember the name of. He let go of your upper lips and looked at you for a moment,

“I'm not kissing you back am i?” You asked him between your bated breaths but he didn't answer, he smiled instead and leaned down to capture your lower lip into his mouth , his hands cupping your other cheeks as he pulled you closer to him.

The feeling of his warm big hands rubbing over the curve of your rear flipped a switch inside you right then and you reciprocated his movements, arms curled around his neck as you followed the rhythm of his mouth.

For the first time in your life you felt as if you were in a hazy dream, this feeling felt too good to be true, and for the first time your boring mundane life felt as exciting and as thrilling as those wild dreams you have had all your life. And it terrified you if you were being honest with yourself.

As his tongue slipped into your mouth you were a goner, the taste of him was something you could see yourself getting addicted to, it offered you a euphoric high like that of a drug as he had said, it felt intoxicating, but it was a high no other drug could ever compare to.

As the kiss deepened, he didn't pull away until he was gasping for breath, stealing the air from your lungs with each frantic inhale. Doubts filled your head, and you wondered whether the kiss was as magical for him as it was for you. Did he feel the fire burning within his soul, or was this moment merely a fleeting distraction for him?

“It is” he mumbled softly as peppered kisses all over your face so you looked at him confused “it is as magical for me as it was for you darling”

You still didn't understand how he was so intuitive, perhaps he had a strong sixth sense or something, considering that he was half dragon, you were still on the fence of believing it completely.

“Turn around for me” he asked you, his tone commanding so you hesitated for a moment before you complied. Then, the cool touch of metal wrapping around your neck caught you off guard, drawing a gasp from your lips.

Honestly you just wanted to kiss him again and then again.

“Daemon–”

“It's a gift…belonged to my mother” You turned around to look at him as he said that.

“I don't think I deserve it yet” you whispered softly so he placed his fingers on your lips to shut you up.

“Just keep it .. please”

“Okay”

He placed his forehead down on yours as he sighed so you tucked his hair behind his ears before you cupped his cheeks.

“What is bothering you?”

He wasn't the only one with strong senses it seems.

“Nothing” he mumbled as he grabbed the locket of the pendant between his fingers and contemplated his words before speaking “Don't put it on in front of Viserys”

“Viserys?” You looked at him confused so he nodded.

“Dr. Vis”

He had a full name? Why didn't you know that after all these years?

“Okay..why though?” Your puzzled expression prompted him to sigh again.

“He'd recognise it..it belonged to my mother” his answer only confused you further.

“Why would he know about this Daemon?” you asked him as the curiosity piqued, you knew Dr Vis had been treating him for a while but why would he know about the necklace you thought, it was personal. And that's when he revealed the truth about his relationship with the man you knew as Dr. Vis.

“Cause he's my brother.. he's my older brother”

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Taglist

@anukulee @ammo23 @littledark11 @stupidthoughtsinwriting

@daenny-t

#daemon targaryen x female reader #daemon targaryen #daemon targaryen x reader fluff #daemon targaryen x reader smut #daemon targaryen x reader angst #non canon au #modern day au #modern daemon targaryen

48 notes · View notes

ruwriteshours · 10 months

Text

MONSTERS IN MY ROOM (PART I) ⛧ L.JN

↝ pairing: lee jeno x fem! reader

↝ genre: mortal instrumental! au, angst, gore, urban fantasy, fluff, eventual smut (MINORS DNI)

↝ warning: mention of death of characters

↝ summary: You didn't know your usual habits would become a huge significant part of your life. With little memories of your past, you are forced to remember to find your missing mother with the help of Jeno, an immortal.

"Yeah, I know I wouldn't forget." You groaned, your hand clutching onto the phone as you moved it to the other side of your ear. "You've been talking about it since last week."

You could hear grumbling noise of complaint coming from Jongho at the other line. "Well, how am I suppose to know you'll follow through. Your mom's crazy."

"Well, my mom doesn't control my life." You began sketching on your notepad, your fingers tracing on the symbol you drew as you let out your usual monologue. "I'm three more months to eighteen. Plus, she won't know a thing." You whispered out the last part.

"Yeah, whatever 'Miss Independent'." You giggled. "Just don't get both of us in trouble."

"Oh, don't be such a wuss. She won't suspect a thing." You assured, before hanging up— not even giving Jongho the chance to retaliate.

Flipping through the pages of you sketchbook, you had realised how much your sudden habbit had gotten worse. Your book was occupied with the same drawings of the symbols. All of it being repeated.

Sighing under your breath, you walked out of your room to wash up. "Hey, sweetie!" Your mother's chirpy voice greeted you by the kitchen, preoccupied with her cooking. Muttering back a soft 'hey' as you walked away only to be stopped again by her voice calling out to you.

Whining, you turned around. "What is it?"

Turning off the stove, she looked up at you with her beaming smile. "I see you've gotten busy."

Glancing down at your hand, you could see the graphite ink of your pencil had painted your entire hand— smudging your clean shirt.

"Yeah, it's for a project." You lied, attempting to rub off the dirt.

Your mother only prodded further. "Well, tell me more then." She said excitedly. You laughed awkwardly as you gestured towards the bathroom. "I would love to, mom but I'm meeting Jongho soon." You excused.

"Oh," You could hear the tease in her voice. "Your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend!" You yelled out, a little too quickly. "He's a boy and he's my friend. He's my boy-space-friend." You explained, which only cause your mother to smile even more annoyingly. "Alright, sweetie. Have fun."

"He really isn't!" You began rushing to the bathroom to get ready. The last thing you heard was the gleeful laugh of your mother.

"Hey— woah." Startled by the sudden force being pulled on him as you hastily dragged Jongho out of your house. "What's the rush?"

"Don't want you to suffer by the wrath of my mom." You half-joked, still bothered by her comment. "Uh oh, what'd she say this time?" He laughed seeing your flustered expression.

"Nothing that concerns you." You grumbled, still holding onto his elbow to have him match your pace. He hummed, "Sure must be embarassing to have you this worked up."

"Shut up!" You hit his shoulder as it only fueled his humour, not finding your weak attack effective.

The walk towards the cafe was fairly short, your conversation with your best friend had always resulted in light bantering— not that you minded. Despite what everyone says about Jongho, (that he was someone who always plaster a cold exterior) you knew he had that warm light inside of him. His sense of humour and brightful personality was what made you want to get to know him more.

"Thanks a lot for doing this for me." Jongho spoke up. You smiled, "Don't go soft on me now, what are friends for?"

Oblivious, you didn't take notice on how Jongho's shoulder seem to slump— disappointed by your response. He was quick to cover up by bumping into your shoulder playfully, chuckling as you hit him back dramatically. Nearing to the destination, he walked up first to open the door. You didn't bother picking up on his gentleman act, having being used to his gesture.

"I'll get us a drink." He declared as the both of you found a seating. "Don't forg-" He was quick to interrupt you, though. "Forget to add in more whipped cream, got it."

With your order, he made his way to the queue. Your attention now being directed to the stage, listening to poetry slam— watching as the man stumble with his words, the beat of the drum not matching up to his speech. Letting out a sound of amusement, you turned your head to the tinted window— only to catch your attention at a certain symbol.

The same symbol you drew.

Without much though, you walked out of the cafe to take a closer look. Crossing the road carefully, you made your way to the open alley— observing excrutiatingly at the drawing. Your heart having picked up the sense of familiarity as your brain couldn't seem to remember. You didn't know you had taken so long outside until you heard Jongho's voice, followed by his hand holding onto your shoulder.

"Hey, why are you out here?" He asked, startling you out of your daze. Shrugging off, you could only utter, "I don't know."

He was about to question further when you turned to face him abruptly. "Let's go back." You grabbed his hand as you led him back to the cafe— thankfully, your seat was not being taken.

"Are you alright? You're being awfully quiet." He asked, noticing that you were in your head and was not paying attention to the event. You looked up at him with a small smile, "It's nothing, I'm just tired."

"Agony. Pain. Suffer." The voice of the performer acting out his scene.

"Tell me about it." He joked. "We'll finish up and go, you want another packet of sugar?" You nodded, "The brown one, please."

"Gotcha."

Watching him walk off, you let out a sigh of relief. You noticed a blonde-haired girl eyeing your best friend, a smile played on your lips as you observed the both of them exchanging greetings. You also couldn't help but notice that she kept staring at Jongho, obviously taking interest in him. Your heart soared, happy that your best friend had a chance to find someone. However, you were quick to assume when he walked away— rather quickly to your seat, acting as if nothing had happened.

"Why'd you leave so quick." He looked at you confused, "That girl you just talked to, she's totally into you."

He shrugged, not finding interest in the topic. "Not my type." You scoffed, "Oh please, you can go to her. I don't mind."

He scoffed back, "And leave you alone. No way." You groaned at his stubborness, "Act like that and you're gonna be single for life." You said jokingly, sprinkling the sugar onto your cup.

He didn't seem to take offense to your insult as he shrugged. "Maybe I'm saving myself for someone." You looked around dramatically, as if trying to search for who he was talking about. "Who?"

He didn't get to answer your question when the cheers and clapping sounds from the audience interrupted him, though you could see that he seemed relief to have avoided the topic altogether. Not soon after, the both of you joined in— acting as if you were listening to the awful speech.

The sky eventually went dark as the both of you took a detour, looking through every single local clubs that were available. As you past through every one of them, your eyes landed on the sign— with the same damn symbol on it. You turned towards Jongho as you pointed at the place. "Let's go here."

"Do you think it'll work?" Jongho asked incredulously.

"Of course it will."

Walking towards the entrance of the club, you were about to recite your script that you had prepared when the person behind the both of you cut through. His eyes were electric blue, hair spiked and his body covered in tattoos— all of which were random signs and symbols that had no meaning. "What an asshole." Jongho murmured.

Annoyed with the guy's rudeness, you looked up only to have an idea popped onto your head, "Actually, follow my lead." Ignoring his protest, you walked up to the bouncer with a confident facade as you pointed at the sign on top. "What does that symbol mean?"

Your question perked up the man that skipped ahead of you, turning around to look at you as he shared a look with the boucer. The man briefly whispered in his ear.

"What are you talking about?" Jongho harshly commented, his face panicking as he thought you had lost your mind. "Relax." You assured, focusing ahead as you watched the two men interact.

Not a moment after, the bouncer allowed the both of you inside. You let out a sigh of relief as you turned around to face Jongho with a smug smile.

"Did you went here without me before?" He asked in amusement.

The further you went inside the club, you squeezed your way through the crowds of drunkard people. Their bodies swaying to the side as the upbeat music echoed and flashing lights shining through the room. Jongho struggled to trail behind you, a look of discomfort takes over his face.

"Do you want a drink?" He asked— well shouted, as he was trying to overpower the loud music. You replied back with the same volume, "Yeah, but just water please!"

You looked around, your eyes catched a sight of the man who let you in the room. You were about to walk up to him, ready to ask him questions when his eyes looked behind you. Turning around, you caught sight on the most gorgeous woman in the room, her black hair swayed down her shoulders— the tight white dress complimented her curves, the tilted smirk of her lips as her sultry eyes bored onto the man.

Your eyes followed his movements, watching him walk towards the woman. You couldn't ignore the sudden feeling in the pit of your stomach, your feet following the both of them in the other area of the club— which is still in an open area, where everyone could see. You began to worry.

Something felt off.

Just as you predicted, the ring on the woman's fingers began slithering its way like a snake, transforming into a metal coil as it began wrapping itself on the man's neck. You gasped in shocked, completely in disbelief as you continued to watch the scene unfold.

The gurgling sound of the man struggling to gasp for air was spine-chilling. He clawed his hands around the metal coil but that only enrages the woman. The fury of the woman turned the colours of her eyes green as she balled her hands into fists— which made the material tightened around his throat. You looked around panicking as you noticed how the crowded room didn't seem to react at all at the murderous scene that was happening right in front of their faces, as if these people were invisible.

Shortly, a figure came in and began holding the man down— you watched helplessly as he was pleading for his life. Just then, another man came emerging through the crowd with his hood up, hiding his identity. You could only make out the black strands of his hair that was sticking out as he pulled out a weapon. His hand tracing along the lines of those threatening, sharp knife.

Without much thought, his knife sliced against the man's throat— completely decapitating his neck clean off. The blood began splattering everywhere, only now that you realised that the blood was black in colour as the fog escaped his body like acid. The sound of the man hissing in agony made you scream at the top of your lungs.

The three individuals hastily turned their heads towards the sound, seeing you in utter horror— from the way you covered your mouth as you teared up at the gruesome sight. The dead man was transformed into a horrifying parasite before it melted away into nothingness.

Your sudden screaming has also alerted the people in the room, who turned their heads towards you in confusion— not seeing the brutal death of the man. Your eyes dart towards the three people, their eyes staring back at yours. You could finally see the face of the hooded man. He was the last to fled the scene, taking a couple of steps closer towards you as his gaze was set at yours. His hooded eyes began to squint, as if trying to recognise you.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" Jongho was at your side in an instant, his hand grabbing onto your face to make you face him. You couldn't listen to his words, not when the fresh memory keeps repeating itself at the back of your head.

"I know what I saw." You rushed out of the club. "They killed that guy!" You repeated for what seemed to be the millionth time, still shaking from fear.

"Did you drink something, perhaps?" He asked, following your steps as he reached his hand out to call for a cab. "I heard that these people popped some stuff in the air to make sure we have a good time." He explained, trying to find some logical reasonings for your outbursts.

"Then how come you're not affected by it." You shot back, your makeup now smudged from the tears you let out previously— in a state complete mess. Thankfully a taxi came to a stop as the both of you hopped inside, his constant assurance only left you with more anxiety.

You knew what you saw.

After bidding your goodbye's, you were quick on your feet to make a beeline to your room— shutting your eyes in hopes to get some rests. Your vision clogged and your mind went black as you succummed to the darkness.

The morning after, groaning as you let out a stretch— rubbing your eyes but hissing at the sudden burning sensation that made your eyes water. Looking down, your hands were completely smudged with the ink of your pencil. In shock, you looked around your room as you gasped in horror. Papers were scattered across the floor, hung up and pasted on your cream textured walls. The same drawing accumulating in your room. You grabbed onto a couple and shoved it inside your bad, dashing out of your room as you made your way to the door.

However, you didn't make it far when the voice of your mother stopped you. "You went back late last night." Her usual nagging tone bugged you, not in the mood to get yelled at.

"I know, I'm sorry but I really have to go now." You pleaded, turning around to face your mother. Her eyes widened in shock seeing you in such a distress state.

The dark circles under your eyes are prominent as your hair flung in every direction. Despite the amount of sleep you had last night, it was as if you hadn't slept in days. "You can't leave."

You scowled in annoyance. "Yes, I can. I'm just going to hang out with Jongho, mom. It's fine." Your mother wasn't convinced, "So what? You're going to go off to him when you have problems, isn't that more of what you would do to a boyfriend." This time, you didn't detect any playfulness in her voice— it was as if she was hurt that you couldn't confide in her.

It was then that she realised that she needed to tell you the truth. Now. However, before she could utter a word— Jongho made his presence known as he stepped inside the house, which gave you the opportunity to fled, ignoring your mother's calls.

Showing the drawings to Jongho, you could only explain the events that had been happening as you watched his face contort to confusion— obviously not believing your spiel. Sitting at the cafe with eyes like a mad woman, it was difficult to convince Jongho. Ignoring his advice as you saw the same hooded man from the club, ignoring your train of thought. Your eyes widened in horror as you cowered away from his vision.

"What? What are you looking at?" Jongho asked exasperately as he began scouting around.

"Wait here." You said before running off, in hopes to finally get some answers— even if it killed you.

"Who the fuck are you?" You sneered nastily, shutting the back door that was leading you to an alley. The man chuckled at your rudeness.

"Lovely girl, aren't you?"

"This isn't funny! You killed someone, you're a murderer!" You accused, shouting at the man.

"I prefer to be called Jeno, actually." He stated as a matter-of-factly. "But I guess people who love to assume can call me that too."

"I know what I saw." You retorted.

"You think you know what you saw." He pointed at you, his eyes hardened.

Grabbing his hands to take a closer look at his tattoo, the same symbol being drawn on his hand— with shaking hands, you dug under your pockets to retrieve the drawing that you drew as you shoved it up to his face. "Why do I keep drawing this."

He hummed, taking the piece of paper as he observed it. "It's a mundane." He explained, as if there was no further explanation needed.

"What's a mundane?" You asked incredulously, prodding the man to continue. He looked down at you, his voice dropping an octave. "Someone that's from the human world."

"Well, if I'm not a human then what am I?"

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

©ruwriteshours

#jeno smut #lee jeno smut #jeno angst #jeno fluff #jeno imagines #kpop fanfic #nct fanfic #nct dream imagine #nct dream fanfic #lee jeno #lee jeno imagines #jeno fanfic

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unofficially-a-pterodactyl · 4 months

Text

This Will Be The Day That You Die

Part 1 |

Pairings: Wednesday X Reader (any gender)

Warnings: Reader being a psycho, Stabbing people, death lol, Kissing yaaahhh, and more psycho stuff. Yes. Blood. More blood, drinking blood. (PS: I am high when I'm writing this don't judge me)

Words: 900+

It seemed like just another dull day at Nevermore for Wednesday until they found out that Weems's car had been stolen. The news spread all over the school, and everyone began to suspect you. Since you were absent, you became the prime suspect in the case. Wednesday had a hunch that you were responsible for the theft.

Despite Wednesday's reluctance to skip her writing time, she was willing to do anything for you, even if it meant following you when it seemed impossible to catch up. You had been gone for far too long.

As search parties were declared for both you and the car, Wednesday had become paranoid. This was your first time committing a crime. She had timed her escape well. Enid was gone to Yoko's for a sleepover. Weems was tired of all the hustle created in the morning. No one guarding the campus at this late in the night.

She had successfully escaped through her balcony and made her way down to an exit only some knew about. Though it opened up the forest beside, but Wednesday was ready to take the risk. She had to get a burner phone from Xavier to track your phone. It was strange that it was leading to a forest.

Maybe you did have a plan.

As Wednesday had just started her walk down the path, she could see the flashing lights of the cops far away. Whatever it was, It will be hard on you later, maybe this is why you needed Wednesday.

She began to walk slowly towards the path, with the police behind her back. Hoping they don't see her. She carefully took steps, not stepping on objects that were likely to snap and cause a sound. But no one is that perfect, she had stepped on a twig that had broken and made a sound inviting suspicion. She stopped on her way and punished herself mentally. As the flashlight shines over the forest, Wednesday's heart begins to pick up its pace.

"Ay, Williams, Look over here!! Found the blonde's car!" A cop shouted, making Wednesday to have a clear path to run. As she accelerated toward your location she questioned herself will you seriously be there? She was thirty percent concerned about you.

Meanwhile, you were busy torturing your parents. Yes, you had kidnapped them from their hotel and brought them to this old shack, making them know how bad the pain was that they caused you to suffer.

As you walked in circles, in between kept your parents. You smiled "Didn't know that crying and giving up is not always the option" you scoffed. "NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW, WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE HARASSED" You slapped your father's face with a force that had made him bleed, not just physically, but letting him know how bad it had felt. As he struggled to speak with a cloth in his mouth, he tried jumping and crying simultaneously. "God, you're so weak" You looked him straight into his eyes as you clenched his chin "I could have beard that slap a thousand times more" You grinded your teeth and smirked. "Fine" pulling away and stabbing your mother right through the chest "I'll make it easy for you" you smirked. "One more to go"

As your father looked into the dead body of his wife, he tried screaming "Oh tsk tsk, dada's crying?" you laughed. "LOOK WHO'S A DISGRACE NOW" you screamed into his ears.

You sighed, "I'm tired, I wish you could have been a better father, or even a dad perhaps." You wept the last tear for him after kneeling down just beside him.

Your father looked at you, trying to make one last manipulative game, you looked at him and removed the cloth from his mouth. "I'm sorry, I get it, I was a bad father, now please, just let me go, you'll never see me again"

You nodded and smirked "There's a permanent solution for not seeing your face ever again" Stabbing him just as you did to your mother.

"Peace, father" You whispered as he struggled to death. Drinking his blood from the neck as he left.

"I didn't know you had that in you" You jerked to see who was standing behind you. Blood dripped from your mouth as you looked at her eyes, the same thirst for blood without even being a vampire.

She made her way across to you, getting on her tippy toes to lick the blood beside your mouth. Your cheeks had turned red. She pulled away after licking it all "I can assure you mine is better" You smirked as she stepped closer. A psycho likes a psycho.

You leaned in for a tender kiss, as she followed along. Your hands now trailing her butt while her hands pull you closer from your shirt. You bite her lip as her salty yet peaceful taste explores your mouth. You pulled away and whispered, "I would like more of that"

Though you wanted more of that, you couldn't get it now, "Cops are close by, we need to run." You nodded and followed Wednesday as she led you to an escape path, leading towards her balcony and landing safe at her dorm.

You sighed as you entered her room, a Cello on the balcony looked sick. As you made your way into the room, you were by none other than Weems. She looked angry, not even on Wednesday, she does these things every time, but seeing you falling into her trap made her furious.

"I couldn't believe you would have done such a horrible thing, I'm not putting charges against you because of your mental health, but you're done, Miss Y/L/N."

You didn't know what it had meant by her saying that you were done, but you and Wednesday had bigger things to take care of. Disposing off the body.

______________________________________________________________

Part 3?

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windvexer · 4 months

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dear chicken, if its not too much trouble, could i ask for your advice on a situation that's troubling me a lot as of late? my spiritual practice has been suffering due to my being torn between so many different interests and areas of hyperfocus, and i'm unsure how to reconcile all the different things that i'm drawn to but are so culturally different. for example, i'm in love with traditional english folk magic/witchcraft, and have done a lot of research on the regional folklore of places my ancestors are from. at the same time, however, i'm also in love with orphism, and feel no greater contentment and purpose than when i dream about devoting myself to the greek gods. to say nothing about historical/cultural differences and potential disrespect (ancient greece having very different ideas on what constituted "witchcraft" and whether or not it was hubris, for example) i'm just not sure how to even go about reconciling how these would work together as part of a practice. genuinely, i feel distressed, stuck, and as if i am simultaneously letting down my ancestors /and/ those who historical practices i have put on a pedestal.

Hi, Anon.

Do you think it's possible that you might have very unrealistic standards for what it actually means to practice your faith?

Because, please forgive me if I'm wrong, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you might be making up a ton of rules for yourself.

Have your ancestors visited you and told you they would be disappointed in you if you practiced anything other than English folk magic? If so, why do you hold their opinions to be higher than your happiness? If so, what steps have you taken to reconcile your relationship with your ancestor and reach a place of mutual understanding so they won't be upset with you for doing what makes you happy?

Approximately one billion modern witches practice witchcraft and intentionally include the Greek gods in their witchcraft, or, have a faith centered around the Greek gods and practice witchcraft on the side. A Greek goddess has personally helped me with my witchcraft even though I'm not even a pagan.

Is there anything that makes you feel that you in particular would disrespect the gods by doing this, even though other people do it and it improves their relationship with the gods?

(I also just now remembered Hekate, isn't she like, the highkey Greek goddess of witchcraft? Why wouldn't she want you to both venerate the Greek gods and practice witchcraft?)

If the gods have told you that you can't practice folk magic without disrespecting them, what steps have you taken to understand why they have this special rule for you that they do not have for other people? Have they told you that this is temporary, or permanent? When you've offered solutions, what did they say?

And if these assholes are all banding up on you telling you that you can't do what makes you happy and weaponizing their disappointment to make you fall in line, why do you want to work with any of them at all? You deserve better.

But, Anon, I secretly suspect that none of that has happened. I suspect that you might have just made up a lot of rules for yourself and decided everyone will be mad at you unless you dedicate yourself to 1 thing and do it 100% perfectly.

I'm not saying that sometimes ancestors don't bully people into following a certain path, or that gods ask for very special levels of devotion once your relationship gets to a certain point. But I'm also not suspecting that this is the case for you.

It's just that, I dunno. To me it sounds like you're acting like any particular path you take is like locking yourself inside of a monastery to the exclusion of all else, like instead of starting out chill, you're wanting to start out as a devotee initiate ready to take lifelong vows.

Instead of just like, praying to Hermes to help with traffic and then later that week giving your ancestors a meal.

You're saying you don't know how this would look in practice, which makes me worry that you're trying to write a textbook about how to do your practice without ever actually having learned the material.

You can never know what it looks like before you do it.

You are not supposed to able to envision a complete, polished pathway before you put your hiking boots on.

You don't even need to be able to see around the first corner.

Toad charm to cure a cold, veil to limit Miasma. Pray to the ancestors, then to Zeus. I don't see the conflict. And if Apollo gets mad at you for doing your ancestral coffee grind readings because it isn't Greek enough for him, sort that out when it happens.

But wait until it happens before you worry about it.

#answered

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ladysophiebeckett · 6 days

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having watched betty finding out the truth five different times fm different versions and skim watching them at different times, it's interesting to see the acting\directing styles.

you can tell when there's appreciation for the original work and when there's apprehension.

'jassi jaissi koi nahin' (india) uses the same dramatic music ysblf used. or it uses some cues but in a different note. 'not born beautiful' (russia) is, to this day, the most faithful adaptation. there's appreciation in accepting the story as is and not making any outrageous changes. 'yo soy bea' (spain) makes a lot of changes but those changes come from the production's knowledge that they're not gonna be as iconic as the original--they know they're not gonna hit the same marks. So a lot of the narrative decisions come down to doing the opposite of what the original did. It's apprehensive in that way, but they commit to those narrative choices and you accept it as an audience member.

the mexican adaptation is rebellious. it's wants to be a comedy. it wants to be dramatic. there is no rhyme or reason to its editing. it wants so badly to one up the original it's based on, not understanding that the original was made with a lot personal touches. the other adaptations mentioned above all have personal touches that ground its audience and you believe everything that's happening.

i could go on forever about overall directing styles of the same thing, but i really want to talk about is The Scene--Betty Finds Out The Truth.

in ysblf, Betty takes her time reading the letter and reacting to it. from a slight happiness bc she sees the gifts and that gradual change as she's reading the letter and you see her entire world fall apart. but it happens slowly. there's an incredulousness to it bc she's been living out a dream and we audience have known the entire time that it was based on a lie. her tears are silent, she's in shock. we suffer with her bc we have to see her process it.

Katya (NBB) and Jassi (JJKN) have similar reactions despite editing styles of these programs being different. both go from ecstatic to slow dread. it takes them time to believe and process what's happening bc its supposed to be a shock to their system.

For Bea (YSB) its completely different bc she doesn't find out fm a letter and is therefore exempt from this, however it should be noted that she goes catatonic and becomes ill at the shock of it all.

Moving on, Lety (lfmb), tho the circumstances of how she finds out are...different (a psychic tells her to find the letter)--her reaction to it is too much, too soon. I'm not saying Angelica Vale is a bad actress bc she's not. But her acting choices plus the direction she received, is less about Lety the character and more selling Vale as a dramatic actress.

It feels like there's a secret motive to it.

Because why does Lety immediately believe the letter? And then starts crying like she's gonna die? There's no emotional build up. Even the staging of it feels unnatural. Lety goes from standing, sobbing to sitting on the floor in front of Fernando's desk to standing up again and going back the chair. All the while violently crying, shaking, yelling. And no one hears this?

It's sad, but we don't see Lety's world collapse the way we see it in other versions. It's like Lety already suspected it and the letter confirms it. She's been ready to cry and scream about it. And this is after the honeymoon filler with Fernando ends. She was happy that morning. The revelation should have confused her.

Not that this didn't pay off, Vale won an award for her work on this. But these creative choices, in hindsight, look like they're serving someone else and not the story you're trying to tell. TBH, a lot of the creative decisions that are made in Lfmb, often feel like Lety The Character, is the one being sacrificed. When it's supposed to be her story.

I know it seems like I'm getting on lfmb's case again, and I am, but it comes from a place of frustration bc every time I analyze something about it, I realize how self serving it is to the people involved in it's production and how the actual story they're adapting gets secondary importance.

There are great scenes in lfmb that hit, but they're overshadowed by everyone and everything else. Lety finding out the truth should have been about Lety, not Angelica Vale's ability to cry on cue.

#lfmb #ysblf #not born beautiful #jassi jaissi koi nahin #rosy ocampo is never gonna read this post yes i know but im still allowed to express my distaste

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railingsofsorrow · 8 months

Text

Colorless Mountains

[BAU team x reader]

request: “Hello, hope you're having a good day/night. I was wondering if I could request BAU Team x GN reader who has Marie Antoinette syndrome?

[...] maybe reader has a dark past and that's when it first started but what if it got worst after being kidnapped and tortured by an unsub?”

A/N: based on some research, I'm using the assumption that the marie antoniette syndrome is not permanent, meaning that reader suffered from hair-whitening after something traumatic that happened and then her hair became colored again. just keep that in mind so it doesn't get confusing, okay? that's all. thank you for the request and good reading!

summary: during a case in New York, you come in contact with an unsub whose backstory hits too close to home.

pairing: platonic!BAU team x gn!reader

w.c: 6.2K

warnings/content: case related violence; explicit discussions of past trauma; mentions of sexual abuse and PTSD and being taken advantage of; the alternation in the use of pronouns to refer to the unknown subject is intended (hate that they only use He to refer to a suspect, completely ruling out women, who are just as capable of committing crimes); mention of scars and substance abuse; hurt/comfort; reader is mean at some point; recovery is not a linear path; smoking; platonic relationships are the main focus; grammar mistakes probably; for the love of god do not take!! the profile!! seriously!! I am not an expert; nerds geeking about scouting knots; friendly banter.

navi

masterpost

requested by @xweirdo101x

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

❝ some memories never

leave your bones.

like salt in the sea; they

become part of you

— and you carry them. ❞

[ paper wings ]

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION — BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS UNIT DEPARTMENT

Getting back to work after a traumatic event can be unnerving.

It's actually the hardest part of a recovery process; turning back on your fears — or rather facing them face to face without running to hide in a corner straight away.

You've done that a few times in your life. Running away, hiding. Although, back then, you didn't have anyone to catch you if you were falling. So why shouldn't you hide? Why shouldn't you run? It wouldn't have made a difference. Leaving the past behind is the best alternative you've got. It's not cowardice, it is a matter of protection.

That's what it was for you, anyway.

The scars don't disappear when you leave the place that broke you, they decorate your arms and scrape the skin that once was clean. They stay as a reminder. And looking yourself in the mirror becomes a rare occurrence because you fear what you're going to see is merely a shattered reflection. Which is true.

In your case — besides the white lines across your body — there is your hair.

The Marie Antoinette Syndrome is not very well-known. Despite your skepticism, you couldn't simply deny the fact that it was very much real after your hair turned sheer white overnight when you were seventeen.

The syndrome is caused by high levels of emotional stress on one's body. Surprisingly, age is not a determining factor in this case, people of all ages can be affected by this hair-whitening process.

You spent four days in the hospital, three of those had doctors coming in and out of your room, doing blood tests, repetitive questions, throwing you into MRI's and whatnot so they could attempt to figure out why your hair lost all its color.

Attempt failed. If they had done some reading, maybe, they could have spared you from being poked and prodded and exposed so much. It was a psychiatrist who cracked your case. She gave you one of many explanations, of course, and that's when you remembered reading about the condition but never giving it much thought — until it happened to you.

The Marie Antoinette syndrome, also knowns as Canities Subita, was named after Queen Marie Antoinette. According to historical facts — which Spencer rambled on and on about when you first entered the BAU — the queen's natural hair turned white the night before her execution in 1793. She was only 35 years old.

What happens is that the amount of hardships and distress a person goes through can cause the production of melanin in the color of one's hair to be compromised.

Nine years ago, in the first night you spent on the hospital after the worst day of your life, your hair had lost all the darkness it always carried. Besides the innocence that was striped from you that night, every time you looked in the mirror you saw a stranger staring back. A ghost, if you will.

Nothing had been the same.

It's a common thing to happen to a human being: you never believe something awful is going to happen to you, until it does.

And then, you end up in the hospital again. Usual hair color gone and a new trauma to add to the list. That's the nicest way to put it.

“I told you I am fine.”

You said to Penelope for the third time that morning. She had cornered you as you poured coffee in your mug in the kitchenette area.

“You weren't supposed to be back yet,” she hissed, poking your shoulder. “Hotch gave you a week off. More if needed, may I add — don't look at me like that, yes, I overheard.” She interrupts before you even said anything. “Why are you back after three days?” You ignore the way her voice softens at the last part, admitting the tone of pity. You didn't need anyone pitying you, especially people from your team.

“I'm fine,” you shrug, lifting the mug to your lips. “My leg is perfect, I'm sleeping like a princess and I'm ready to work.” You're also very good at lying but that was not your best act.

Before the blonde could call you out on your bullshit, her phone chimes with a text.

“We have a case.”

Saved by the bell.

The surprised looks you receive when you enter the conference room are enough to increase your annoyance, but you mask it. It's fine, that's expected. You'd be surprised if any of them had returned to work three days after being abducted. That's not enough time to recover, but you couldn't stay at home with the presence of intrusive thoughts looming over your brain.

You needed to do something other than laying down in fetal position on your bedroom. Anything to make your mind occupied, and working helps with that.

“Three bodies were found in Forest Park, New York. Lewis Jenkins, Mason Reeves and Caleb Marshall. And before you ask, crime fighters, yes, they did have a connection. All three went to the same university, St. John's. They even attended most of their classes together and formed a fraternity house of some sorts.” Garcia couldn't stop her disgusted expression. “I honestly think these should be extinguished.”

“Fraternity houses?” Derek chuckled softly, clicking on another page of the casefile on the tablet. “They are not that bad, sweets.”

“I can say that sorority houses can be a nightmare,” Emily mumbles under her breath. “Were all of them found in that same position? And tied up?”

“Yes,” Penelope zooms in on one of the photos that displayed one of the men's bodies with his arms tied up behind their back, as well as their feet, with a rope. “However, Lewis Jenkins...” the slide switched to a body with a slight difference in the M.O. The man's hands were tied up in front of his body and his legs were untied unlike the other two.

“What if he was the first victim?” JJ chimes in.

Rossi nods, “Jenkins could have been a trial run and then he evolved.”

“The other two clearly have a pattern.” Emily says. “Both are positioned in the same way with almost the same lacerations.”

“They used the double overhand knot.”

Spencer's head snaps into your direction. “I was about to say that.”

You clear your throat, noticing every pair of eyes fall on you. “That's one of the knots you learn when you're in scout camp. They have categories like boating and climbing...” You examine the picture more carefully, studying the threading with familiarity. At least those three summers you were forced to be on scout camp were worth something now. “The double overhand knot can be used on both situations.”

“It's also a stopper knot,” Spencer's voiced as his eyebrows knit together in mild confusion. “That's an... interesting choice.” You stare at him with amusement after hearing the slight judgy tone he let slip. He clearly did not approve the use of such knot.

When Hotch checks his wristwatch, you know it's time to head out. The discussion is interrupted and continued on the jet as you flew to New York.

QUEENS, NYC — FOREST PARK

As you arrive at the disposal site, that you, Derek and JJ were responsible to check, the heat immediately made you wish you had bring a bottle of water. When you saw the warning about a heatwave you didn't expect it to be that bad.

“This is just a dump site.” JJ observes the surroundings as the CSI professionals collected physical evidence. You quietly analyze the location of each body while pulling your strands up into a bun so your hair would stop sticking to your neck.

“The unsub may come out here to relive his work.”

“They obviously has a vehicle, most likely a truck or a van.” You agreed with Derek, not seeing any possibility of the crime actually happening there. Not the entire thing, at least.

JJ brushes a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, “Still...” she drawls, “there are no tire marks close by. And the road is at least thirteen thousand feet far from here.”

“Maybe he had help?” Derek seems doubtful of his opinion.

“Or we could be close to where they keep the victims hostage.”

“Either that or there's something significant to him about this place. But what?”

Both JJ and Derek share hums, exhibiting they were on-board with your idea.

INTERROGATION ROOM 3 — 112th POLICE PRECINCT, NYC

Four out of the seven FBI agents watched the interrogation happen through the one-way mirror. Inside the room, Spencer and JJ conducted the interview side by side as the witness, Felicity Lance, sat in front of them. Her arms folded across her chest as she stared holes at the grey table.

She was nervous, that much was clear. What was left for you to know was the reason for her uneasiness.

Last night, Garcia gave you some interesting information on a few of St. John's students.

“So she was the last person to see Mason alive?” Emily asked.

Garcia hummed in agreement. Then a gasp echoed through the audio. “You won't believe what I just found.”

“I would be great if you shared, baby girl.”

“Okay, so remember that I told you all three belonged to the same crowd in college?” A collective yes echoed through the room. “Guess what: Caleb Marshall's brother, Riley Marshall, and Patrick Moore were also part of that disgusting crew. And why disgusting, you may ask? Because both faced harassment charges filed by Riley's ex-girlfriend, Felicity Lance.”

Thus, the witness you were currently questioning right now wasn't only the last person to see one of the victims, but also someone who had motive to hurt Lewis, Caleb and Mason. After building up the profile, she was also a suspect.

“You keep saying he but what if it's a woman?” You muttered with annoyance at their choice of words.

Derek had given you a skeptical look. “She'd have to have a lot of strength to carry out all of this herself.”

“She doesn't necessarily has to be working alone.” Emily catches your point. “What if her best friend is just as mad as she is by Riley Marshall and his friends that they decided to take justice into their own hands?”

You had stopped focusing on the interview half an hour ago. The main reason was the incessant pounding in your head that got in the way of your thinking. You didn't have the best sleep last night, tossing and turning the entire time, besides your leg, where you had been shot four days ago, was giving you trouble.

You missed the time when painkillers used to be magical. Ever since you started working in the BAU no amount of pills would diminish your migraines.

“She kept the same story she told the police,” JJ informs as they strode back into the room you were gathered in.

“She's consistent.” Spencer adds, walking forward. “But any time we mention Sylvia she gets defensive. It could be a coping mechanism for her death.”

Leaning back on the wall, you press your thumb against your forehead, taking a deep breath in for two seconds and exhaling for three.

“Does the last name Marshall carry any relevance in New York?” You blurt out, forcing the discussion in the room to halt immediately.

Deputy Ray is the one who speaks up, “Gary Marshall.” He pauses. And you don't need to have your eye on him to realize the way he's cautious about his next words. “He's a politician that has a strong influence in the city. Also part of the city council.”

You let out a scoff and the room becomes silent. Of course he's part of the city council. This is how the charges were dropped. Why wouldn't Gary Marshall fix his son's problems if he has money to spare? And you have the assumption that this wasn't Felicity's idea.

You know you should avoid reacting like this, but your body seems to be having a mind of its own and your mood is getting sour by the minute. You just really needed to lay down.

The voices again felt like far away waves in your ears and you suspect part of the dizziness in your vision is due to the lack of water in your system. There's a heatwave happening and when was the last time you hydrated yourself?

Derek's voice nagging you to drink water echoes through your mind. Okay, you would admit that he was right after you followed your gut.

“Hotch, can I try something?” You prompt, eyes glued to Felicity's fidgety frame.

You realize that the Deputy was gone and the only ones left in the room are you, Derek and your boss. The rest was probably in the other interrogation room to question Riley and Patrick.

Your eyes snap to him. Stern gaze studying you thoroughly, scrutinizing every twitch he could find in your expression. He's caught your attention drifting somewhere else. You bet he even knew where your mind wandered a minute ago, you just hoped he didn't catch the wave in your step.

“Are you alright, Y/L/N?”

Derek was about to ask the exact same question when you cut him off.

“Yes. Can I try something with her?” You bring back the focus on the real matter. You had lies to dig around here, lives at stake, certainly your well being wasn't more important than that in the moment?

Hotch seems to internally struggle but he settled for accepting your request. You ignore the look of disbelief Derek offers him before you enter the interrogation room, where Felicity is.

You introduce yourself and offer her some water. She looks hesitant but she takes a sip of the plastic cup.

Felicity has kind eyes — it's the first thing you observe when you enter the room. Her make-up is smudged and that's not the only thing that reveals she has been crying, another indication of that are the bloodshot eyes that you weren't able to see through the one-way mirror.

“So you think Felicity Lance and Sylvia Kosorog did this?”

“I think it's a way too personal and specific M.O to be ruled out.” You sigh.

“The bodies didn't have any sign of sexual assault, did they?” You ask Spencer and Rossi, who were responsible to check the coroner's reports.

“No,” Spencer said. “And the ligature marks were made post mortem. However, when the garrote was used, they were still alive.”

The wall between the two of you bothered you. But now you could analyse from the tone of her voice to every movement she makes without mistaking it for your declining senses. The fact that you were no longer standing helped on stabilizing your breathing for the moment. You feel fine.

“Am I a suspect?” Felicity gulps down the water fast. “Is that why you haven't let me go yet? Cause I was in my dormroom the entire night Caleb was killed.”

You brows raise in faux surprise. “Oh, no. Don't worry, this is just protocol. We don't think you lied in your statement.”

Her shoulders slump as she leans back, visibly relieved.

“I do have something that made me curious though,” you pull up the file that had been laying on your lap ever since you sat down. Felicity's eyes narrow at the manila folder. “was it you that filed a harassment charge against Caleb two years ago?”

She looked back up at you, frowning. “Caleb? No. I didn't file anything against him though he certainly deserved it.”

Tilting your head, your eyes scan over Felicity's statement in front of you. The silence was too much for her as you expect it would be, so she gave you the starting point you needed.

“You took what back?” You ask, folding your arms. “The charges? The ones that claimed he sexually harassed you along with Patrick Moore?”

“I used to date Riley Marshall. He's, uh, he's one of the last people that saw Caleb alive. They're friends so I'm sure he'll be here anytime now too...” She was picking at her cuticles. “We had a fight, I was mad and I wanted to get back at him. That's why I took it back.”

“He didn't do it.” You watch the clench in her jaw and how she struggle to swallow the lie she is about to say. It sounds rehearsed as if she has been repeating that out loud for a long time. “I told you, I was mad and I wanted to—”

“—get back at him. Yes, you mentioned that.” You push the crime photos towards her. It took a whole minute for Felicity to absorb what are in those images and even when her eyebrow twitches, her expression remains almost emotionless. Not looking away. “Have you seen these before?” You know she has. JJ and Reid had brought it up when they were interviewing her. She had the exact same reaction. There is hatred underneath that mask she worked hard to keep impassive. It was hard to remain numb over crime scene pictures, or feel something other than disgust for the people who have hurt you. Physically or emotionally. You could say that for sure.

Felicity gives you an unimpressed look. “What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing.” You shrug. “Well, I mean. If someone that hurt me had ended up like that... I wouldn't be sad either.”

“He deserved it.”

You give her a careful look, she pushes all of the pictures back to you harshly.

“Felicity, why do you keep saying that? You dropped the charges, right? I don't see any reason why boys like that would deserve such an awful death.”

She scoff, eyes glazing with fury. Bingo. “Boys like that. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that? How brilliant they are. How lucky I was to be dating Riley Marshall – He is not the prince charming people claim he is! None of them are. You think my charges were dropped out of nowhere? How many girls do you think didn't do the same thing just so they could have a peace of mind? Sylvia got the worst of it!”

“Sylvia, your best friend?” You ask, offering some tissues. You have dropped the act now. There was no point in playing devil's advocate now that you got what you wanted.

Spencer tapped his pen against his knuckles. “Felicity didn't express any other emotion beside forced indifference while seeing the crime scene photos.” He paused. “Beneath the mask there was anger. More than that, rage.”

“As if she wanted to be relieved but their death brought only the despair of injustice.” You completed his train of thought.

She was seventeen. First year in college with the major that she chose and work her ass of for. Then, in a random night five assholes ruin her life because they simply wanted to have fun. Death is the least they could suffer. Hell, it's too easy. How can people escape unscathed as they destroy you?

Long story short, your theory was right. Sylvia Kosorog was responsible for the murders and Felicity Lance knew about it, but she was not involved in Sylvia's plan, which consisted on murdering Riley Marshall, the man who had raped her during a party back in her first year of college, and the rest of his friends and brother, Mason Reeves, Patrick Moore and Caleb Marshall, who had covered for him and lied when she tried to get the justice he needed.

Felicity nods, sniffling. “She... She was never the same after what happened.”

And well, Gary Marshall tried paying her off as well as he did with Felicity Lance.

Lewis Jenkins was in the wrong place at the wrong time, Sylvia never planned on hurting him because he was not involved, although he was friends with Riley's crew.

“We're going to follow a lead,” JJ approaches you as she readjusted her bulletproof vest. Her meticulous gaze laid heavily upon you and you had a suspicion it was about the cigarette dangling from your lips.

You acknowledge her with a nod, “I know, I was in the room when Garcia found the location.” And when Hotch ordered me to stay back.

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn't I be?” You slowly let out the smoke, turning to her.

JJ sighs, her frustration is very much explicit but that doesn't phase you.

“You're compartmentalizing.” She firmly stated, diverting her attention from your cigarette to you. “Ever since you came back, it's like you're not here. Your mind is always elsewhere—”

“I'm doing my job just like you are, JJ.” You snap, throwing the cigarette in the nearby trash can. She had hit a nerve.

“I'm not talking about your professional skills. But this is not how you heal, you avoid talking about it all together and...” Her hands clasp on both of your shoulders, bringing you closer. “I'm worried. You're not being you, Y/N.”

“What is there to talk about?” You step out of her reach, earning a hurtful look. “I was kept hostage and tortured for a day and a half, almost killed a man, I can't take off this fucking sweater or else all of the barely healed wounds on my arms will be on display and just as I was getting used to the normal color of my hair, this happens.” You pulled some of your white strands irritably. “Is that what you need me to say? Do you need be to scream it from the rooftops, JJ?”

And I can't get over my past. It follows me and it buries me beneath the earth of my sorrows. I can't crawl out of that endless mountain.

She's taken aback by your response, you can tell when she almost flinches at your jab.

“And who are you to tell me I'm compartmentalizing?” You run a hand through your face as a humourless laugh escapes you. “You were back to work not even two days after being held captive and tortured as well. You couldn't stop looking over your shoulder for more than ten minutes and your trust on anyone was definitely compromised—not that you trusted people completely before either. Don't point my flaws at me when you have no idea how to deal with your own issues too, Jennifer.”

That was a low blow and you're plenty aware of that. But you are tired of your friends trying to fix your problems. You are an adult and you've been dealing with the same things your whole life, by yourself, it is none of their concern.

MOTEL — ROOM 72, NYC

“Okay,” she says shortly, shoulders tense. “If you want to talk, you know where to find me.” She walks away when Hotch announces they are leaving.

The jet wouldn't be ready until the morning, so you were stuck in New York for one more night. Granting you one sleepless night in an itchy mattress of an old motel room. If you were at home, at least you could stare at your blue ceiling.

The case didn't end well.

They were able to find Sylvia, who had Riley Marshall as hostage. He was her endgame, had been all along. Riley Marshall was the one who took advantage of her as she was drunk. He was the one who spiked her drink as all of his friends watched the scene happened like it was a TV show on display.

Riley lured Sylvia out to the beach, tied up her arms and legs with a rope and raped her. A couple of pictures from the incident were found in his dorm room and he was finally arrested. Along with Patrick Moore. Nothing much Gary Marshall could accomplish with his strong influence now. Thankfully.

Sylvia killed herself.

You kept wondering that if you had been there, you could've talk her out of it. But ever since the beginning, her mind was set. Still, the what if's haunt you.

They have haunted you for nine years. You are aware you can't go back in time and make different choices; the only choices that matter are the ones you make in the present. But what if you had accepted your friend invitation to go to the party instead of choosing to stay reading in your college bedroom? What if you had chose to lock your room instead of leaving it unlocked for your roommate? What if you hadn't fallen asleep so quick? What if you hadn't trust him enough to let him come to your room as he pleased in the middle of the night? What if you hadn't accepted that joint?

What if...

From the moment you left your apartment, three days ago, your skin had been on fire, your brain replaying memories you didn't want to relive ever again. That night. That person who you used to call your best friend. The unsub who burned scars into your arm a few days back.

Why can't your brain repress those things as it did to childhood? Why can't it feel like a fuzzy flashback which you wonder if it is true or if you made it up? Those memories, you know they happened. You know for a fact because you can feel them everywhere.

Maybe getting back to work right away wasn't the best option. But deep down, you chose gruesome pictures and murder facts over the horrifying silence of your apartment for a reason you didn't want to admit.

Recovery is hard. But does it ever get easier?

“Penny for your thoughts?”

You flinch at the sudden disruption of silence in the room. Your breath hitches before Derek's frame cleared up for you.

“Sorry,” he says softly, inching closer to sit at the edge of his bed. The old wood creaking loudly. Right, you were divided into pairs because of the budget. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

“It's fine, I just didn't even remember we would share a room.” Your stance relaxes bit by bit. It's been a while since your trust issues bothered on sharing a bedroom with another person. Thanks to therapy. You needed to get back to that.

You can feel his stare burning on your cheek and you request him to spit it out.

“You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

Annoyance wash over you. “Did JJ put you up to this?”

Derek furrows his eyebrows, “No?” He scans you for a brief second then sighed. “I just want you to know that you can. If you want.”

“I would appreciate if you all just stop babying me.”

“We're not babying you and you know that.”

“Feels a lot like it,” you say through gritted-teeth, searching for your nightwear.

Derek leans back on the headboard, eyes slipping shut. “I'll be here when you stop being a brat about it.” He let out in a whisper, a smile curling at the edge of his mouth as if he knew you better than you knew yourself.

He probably does. He most certainly does.

Derek Morgan is the person who you are the closest to in the team. Penelope coming right after him.

At first, you had warmed up to Spencer due to you being close in age, though your interests weren't that similar. Derek had this whole flirty persona going on that intimidated you at first but you quickly became attached to each other. He understood your silence and you understood his. He didn't force you to speak up, he just reminded you that he was there, like tonight.

Sometimes, it is nice to have that reminder.

“I can't stop thinking that that could have been me.”

You don't meet his gaze, knowing for a fact he is listening because he had only one of his headphones on before you got into the bathroom to brush your teeth.

“It's not you,” the bed creaks under his shifting. “It will never be you.”

When you finally turn your attention to him, he's patiently waiting for you to carry on with a reassuring smile.

“Y/N, you're not a bad person.”

“It could have been.” You push, pulling your knees to your chest. It's such a vulnerable topic; your past. It never gets easier talking about it. It's never something you cherish in remembering. “There was a point in my life were all I could think of was revenge. Even if he went to jail. Even if he was rotting in there. I wanted him to suffer the same way that I suffered. But it still wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough.”

“I wanted to kill him.”

“Well, when you told me what happened, I wanted to kill him too.” Your best friend admits, causing your brows to shot up. He offers you a look that silently asks what? “And let me tell you something,” he pauses, completely taking off his headphones and moving to a sitting position. “If I had found the bastard, I would've ended him right there.”

Your lips twitch slightly, “You would've kicked a door in his face?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He points at you as you laugh, a grin stretching up on his face. “Keep giggling, Snow White. But I'm not joking around.”

You turn your body on the side, bringing the comforter to your torso. You take a long breath before speaking. “You know, what happened that night... What he did, doesn't bother me as much as what I could have done.” And you keep going, interrupting his protest. “I could have fought harder. I could have screamed louder. I could have— I could have— kicked or grabbed the pocket knife in my bag that was so close... but I didn't. I didn't do any of that. I couldn't move, Derek. I was— I was useless. When I look in the mirror, all I remember is how I woke up in the next morning.” The white in my strands make sure of that. It takes me back to the worst day of my life every time.

“You were seventeen, Y/N.” You shook your head, groaning. He wasn't having any of that though. “You're telling me you should have been prepared for something terrible to happen to you? For someone you trust your life with to just break you into pieces?”

“I was a coward,” you say shakily.

“Don't you ever say that. Hey, look at me. Y/N,” he calls out sternly. When you glance up at him, he's giving you a serious look. “Don't ever say that again. You are one of the bravest people I have met. And despite of everything you went through, you are nothing but kind and loveable. If you tell me that's cowardice, then I'm sorry but you're very wrong.”

“What happened that night,” he adds with caution, “it was not your fault. The only person to blame is him and him only, do you hear me? And he will rot in jail because of that. He doesn't deserve anything but that.”

His words sit in your head for a while and he allows you to bask in the comforting quietness.

“Thank you.” You whisper to the darkness after you both have turned your bedside lamp off. “You're one of the bravest people I've met too.”

“No need to thank me, Snow White.” You can hear his smile. He throws you one of his pillows and you shriek, dumbfounded. “And you're beautiful. Colorless hair or not.”

You stay quiet, smiling softly.

“Call me Snow White one more time and I'll rip the hair you don't have in your head off.” You say after a while and the sound of his chuckles is the last thing you hear before you fall into a deep slumber.

That's the first time in a long time that you sleep through the whole night.

BAU PRIVATE JET

JJ is pouring coffee in seven mugs when you approach her. You can't help thinking she should throw one of those mug at you, it's what you deserve.

“Need help with that?”

Her smile is tight and she doesn't look at you.

“That's okay, I got this.”

You bite your cheek, “JJ.” She halts as she's grabbing the tray, you take that as your cue to continue. “I'm sorry for the way I treated you, it wasn't fair. You were just trying to help and I was too in over my head to notice it. I am truly sorry.”

You feel as if you can finally breathe when your friend looks at you. “I get it, it's... it's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about it either.”

“What I said, it was way out of line.” You insist. “You're my friend and it wasn't right to throw that at your face. I know how much you struggled getting back to work, I— I was just angry. Not at you, at myself.”

JJ nods understandingly, a smile curving the corners of her mouth. “I know, Y/N. And I get it, really. If anything, I should apologize too, it wasn't my intention to make you uncomfortable.”

“I'll forgive you if you forgive me.” You give her a cheeky smile that she replies with an eye roll and promptly orders you to take everyone's coffee to them. That's when you're sure the two of you are okay.

You feel a soft squeeze in your shoulder, when you turn around you see Aaron walking past you to sit down in his seat beside Rossi. Earlier this morning, he had praised the way you conducted the interview with Felicity Lance. Then, proceeded to lecture you about your interrupted recovery process while giving a pointed look at your still unhealed leg.

You have the next few days off. And Penelope is already sending never-ending lists of options to make you busy. Your phone is blowing up.

Your head snaps up mid-typing as you feel eyes glued to you. Spencer is leaning on his hand, head tilted to the side as he lazily blinks up at you and downwards. Confused, you follow his gaze and immediately understood what he meant.

The chess board stared at you and a black piece had already moved forward.

“You know,” you turn your phone off after sending a quick reply to Penelope. “it's not fair. You already had a wide angle of the game.”

Spencer shrugged, unbothered. “You took too long to make your move.”

“I need a verbal warning, Reid. Surprisingly, I still can't use telepathy.”

“Telepathy is overestimated. The most unique and not very well-known supernatural ability is chi manipulation.” You watched amusedly as he happily gesticulates his hands to ramble about the topic. “It consists of the fortification of the mind, body and soul in order to acquire bodily functions like self-healing, pain resistance and superhuman strength. This kind of ability actually gained more recognition in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, through Doctor Strange's character.”

You gaped at him, letting the chess piece slip from your hand. “You watched the film!”

He paused, lowering his hands to his lap. “You recommended it.” He said as if it were the most obvious thing.

“Yeah, but it's Marvel. I didn't thought you'd actually watch it. What did you think? Who did you love? Who did you hate?”

“And... There we go.” Rossi mumbles a few seats back with a soft sigh.

Emily snickers. Her eyes were shut but she could hear the conversation in the seat beside hers. She stole a look at yours and Spencer's animated comments and hand gestures.

“Kids, hush!” Emily exclaims, throwing a paper ball at them. She hit Spencer's forehead and a laugh bubbles out of her. Ouch.

Their paper ball rustle made everyone let out a collective groan as you watch everything silently, your face slowly breaking into a grin.

Recovery is hard. But you haven't been the only one that went through it. And if you have these people by your side, your team, you believe you can do anything.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

❝ I can't abandon the person

I used to be,

so I carry her. ❞

[ unknown ]

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

sources: [1] [2]

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A/N: sorry for taking so long to post, I hope it was worth it <3

#criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #bau team x reader #reader insert #requested #bau team x gn!reader

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