#i remember the first crush i ever had

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

a poem! a poem! a poem for my love! @sluttylittlenewsboy i hope you like this when you see it my dear<3

being raised a little girl is hard.

because you're allowed to play in the mud

and get dirty

until magically one day

someone decides it's time for you

to be a 'lady'

but that never felt quite right, did it?

put on an itchy

uncomfortable

dress

and sit still for hours upon hours

in church

at home

in school

'why can't i just go play with my boy friends?' we asked.

there was never an answer, was there.

i think you and i would have been best friends

as children.

i never quite thought of myself as

girl

but there was no other option

so that's what i call her

that little girl

who sat with the people eating alone at lunch

because they looked sad

who was the loud ugly kid in school

would we have been friends?

if only from the fact that no one else would talk to me

and you seem like the kind of person

to sit under a tree at recess

where i would have been up in it

grinning down with missing teeth

and skinned knees

#zee's scribbles! #fun story #i had one (1) ☝️ friend up until literally sixth grade #because they were the only one in the school who was weird too #i'm still friends with them <3 moon my beloved (their name but not their name for privacy lmao) #i used to hang out with the boys before me and them were friends #i remember the first crush i ever had #his name was judah and he was the only guy nice to me #i'm pretty sure he thought i was a boy too so like even better #anyway. #on girlhood #and on not quite being a girl anymore in more ways than one :)

[royalarchivist]

Tazercraft and Richarlyson: [ Talking about the butterfly effect that led to Cellbit and Roier getting married ]

Richarlyson: The real cupid is pa Mike.

Pac: If Mike was unintentionally the reason why Richas died*, and that caused Roier and Cellbit to— Wait, you're saying I'm single because you died?! Oh what the hell. No, it's fine, that's fine, that's fine, it's fine, I stayed on the ground so that others could fly, it's fine.

Richarlyson: KKKKKKK Pa, you misunderstood me 0_0

#Pactw #Richarlyson #Mikethelink #Tazercraft #QSMP #Pac #Mike #To anyone who's going ''what the hell does that mean'' #I've been doing some VOD watching and I finally understand. #Pac unfortunately had / has a little crush on Cellbit #which is perhaps one of the worst realizations I've ever made #They smooched each other on the first (or second?) day the Brazilians arrived #(Cellbit called it a ''Friendship kiss'' and Pac said ''ah we haven't had one of those in a few years'') #and then later on Cellbit turned him down when he started getting interested in Roier #there was also a moment in Festa Junina where it seemed like Pac thought Cellbit was taking him to the church to propose??? #Idk man. I want to study q!Pac under a microscope #THE DUDE MAULED YOU IN PRISON. WHY DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM #good god nobody on this server is mentally well #I remember when I first saw that I was like ''? What does Pac mean by that?'' #sighs............. #* Anyways the death Mike was ''responsible'' for was the one that happened on the first day #That QSMP global later said didn't count #August 9 2023 #<- is the VOD date #Translated #Celltw #tangentially

[phoenixcatch7]

Hey mdzs crowd how would wwx being a bloodborne hunter sucked into a night of the hunt every full moon sound?

Maybe not a full long night, just an 'hour' of it every month, so he finishes one full hunt a year??

A qi free place, exactly like the actual game, but he has to sneak away into the moonlight portal or risk an agonising transformation into a grotesque beast himself for the duration the moon is in the sky. Cloud cover does nothing. He will try and kill everything in his path unless chained.

A choice between becoming a werewolf or the hunter, basically.

And lwj somehow following him through the portal once, to this qi less place, but as a cultivator of significant insight and an unprotected human of normal blood it goes REALLY downhill fast until wwx is able to free him, either by a high adrenaline scene getting a collapsing lwj back through the portal before it closes or by managing to drag his increasingly agonised and overwhelmed body to the sanctuary until the time is over, thus wasting valuable time and making things so much worse for wwx in the next full moons. It's a very angsty and traumatising reveal all round.

Because wwx is a whip smart guy with dangerous thoughts on resentment and the use of corpses, who went through horrifying things and emerged amazingly intact but not untouched, and I think it'd be really interesting to see the interplay of these dual lives. How the cultivation world is so, so much better in pretty much every way, but its own horrors reflective of yharnam, its capabilities for so much more than what they have.

Like, he'd be so much more desensitised to horror and gore, but it'd be matched by the stubborn drive that this is his home, his refuge from the dragging terror of the hunt, and he'd defend that to his last breath. And living a life as a (horribly fragile if lethal) mortal and still surviving the worst yharnam has to throw at him, he'd have a very different outlook on losing his core. He's already seen how, with the right tools, he can be just as dangerous if not more than the average cultivator. And in the cultivation world there's just so much more potential!

His inherent goodness, too, would not survive without damage just from the smog of hopelessness in the air. A wwx who can't keep that instinctive urge to help, but now has to choose, with every second, to remain kind (if not extremely inflammatory about it lmao).

The contemplation of demonic cultivation, too, would have a very different sort of draw. It's not just forbidden, taboo, but he's seen the very worst of it in action; the healing church, the orphan of kos, the vile bloods, the school of mensis, the feral beasts in rotten human skin roaming every street convinced they're still human.

But wwx isn't wwx without truly amazing levels of trailblazing hubris and curiosity, and he'd have the little niggling whispers in the back of his head, theories about how what they did could have been used for actual good, or at least more humanely. When he committed to the risk of demonic cultivation, he'd feel the dangerous itch to practice on things already dead, things that can't touch his home. To organise his goals, get some sort of advantage from this awful place, where the consequences (probably) can't follow him home. But yharnam is the most dangerous place possible to try messing with blood and the dead, and the knowledge of the rheumy eyes of the eldritch monstrosities above him is a heavy pressure on the back of his head.

I'd love to explore the themes of the changes wrought, these two different existences touching through wwx, but also can you imagine the yiling patriarch with a gun and a butchers knife?

#Wwx really living up to those rumours huh #World's first guy to discover blood types and invent blood transfusions therefore saving the lives of thousands to come #But noooo everyone remembers that one time he had a flashback to the night of the hunt during a night hunt and #Ripped a zombie wolfs throat open with his teeth #Lwj still wants him tho have no fear #mxtx #mxtx mdzs #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #lan wangji #wei wuxian #the untamed #Idk maybe lwj finds it hot when his crush is insanely competent and also covered in blood. Who's knows what's going on in his head #mdzs fandom #wwx #mdzs wwx #the untamed wwx #This happened because I can't consume two media at once at NOT fuse them #Runner up was mdzs/bayonetta because wwx would make the best witch ever but bloodborne doesn't go with like ANYTHING else I have its so dar #bloodborne

[sneez]

since i started testosterone in february i have been reading a stanza of andrew marvell’s poem ‘the garden’ every month to track the way my voice has changed. today i finished it :-)

#my voice #does it belong in that tag given that i am speaking and not singing. ah well in it goes #andrew marvell #it is exciting to finally be able to post this! given the nature of the project i've been working on it for a while #i can't remember if i was initially intending to post it but i think it's neat so you guys can see it too :-) a questionable gift unto ye #it's one of my favourite ever poems which is why i picked it. partly because it's a cracking poem but also because the garden in #question is very likely fairfax's garden given that marvell wrote it whilst he was living at his house to tutor his daughter :-) #i love the line about melons. i love the idea that fairfax was growing melons. his melonship #also 'the luscious clusters of the vine upon my mouth do crush their wine' is such incredible imagery i think about it all the time #stopping myself now before i start explaining all my favourite parts of the poem because then i would just be reciting the whole poem #sorry the audio quality changes quite a bit by the way i kept changing where i recorded #oh also i skipped a month because my voice hadn't changed at all (between the first and second stanzas i think) which is why the #number of months doesn't quite match up to the number of stanzas #i do wish i had recorded a stanza when i was one month on T given that my voice barely changes in the last few verses. ah well #anyway i hope you enjoy it my dear friends :-) holding you all in my arms #also as usual i have a few messages and things to answer so i will do that soon! i have been enjoying being active again after so long :-) #ive got a song to post soon too. he he ho ho ho. hum hum hum

[genfagloser]

do you ever think about “even glranboo was happy when he saw the sun” and how in episode 3 during the button scene when ranboo’s walking towards the light you can visibly see him smile and it’s the only time we see a real smile from him the entire show do you ever think about this. btw

im hyperventikatng

#i think about this so hard #blasts the. dash wirh my autism beams #glranboo but they finally had hope. he finally thought he was free. the sun streamed in through the window #and there was faint birdsong #and they thought they were free #i wonder how he felt when the lights switched back on #k wonder how they felt when hetch grabbed them from behind #we know he fought. we know they tried to get out #he had hope for the first time he could ever remember #and it was crushed so fast #← abnormal

[charlesleclerctv]

what's ur fave one direction album.. cant believe we've never discussed this before

FOUR !!!! not a single skip 🫡 something about 2014 albums hits like crack

#perfect is my favourite song of theirs ofc i'm predictable enough #yk what the only reason i became a fan was bc i felt like i had to choose a side between them and jb back in middle school #and my bsf back then was absolutely obsessed with jb so i was like alright let me get into this band #and theirs was the first album i ever bought #anyway my favourite was zayn #pretty sure i had a crush on liam which is embarrassing considering he literally turned out to be the worst #anyway i literally remember buying teen gossip magazines every month and taping everyone and their mother's posters on the walls #i also remember when harry started dating taylor and not knowing or caring who she was #i couldn't understand the hate even at my baby age #but also at the time i was obsessed with i knew you were trouble bc it was on the radio all the time #but i didn't know about shazam or anything lol #so i didn't know that was the same person #fast forward couple years later i'm obsessed with shake it off and the mv #and i look her up on youtube and realize it's been the same girl all along 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 #by that time i was not really interested in 1D #and the rest is history #sorry for the literal essay 😁 #now YOU #loz 💌

[moonsidesong]

i think its kinda funny that ibis paint is regarded as the Broke Artist App or whatever (as opposed to more mainstream programs like csp or procreate) because its free and because of how popular it is with phone + finger artists while im jusg sitting here having used ibis for a cool eight years on purpose.

like i have an ipad and an apple pencil and all theyre very nice and i absolutely could move to a more powerful program i have the resources to do so but my change averse brain has decided they like it here a lot and im not leaving

#not talking smack on phone and finger artists btw. some of my mutuals use their fingers and their art goes crazy i respect that so much #even when i did use my phone (most of 14 crush was done on a phone!) i still had to use a cheap rubber stylus hahaha #anyway maybe ill try procreate someday but also i hate learning new programs and i like ibis's brushes too much #fingers crossed that they add fully custom brushes someday though #like id love to be one of those artists that makes really cool art with ridiculous shapes and nobody even knows until they tell you #younger artists might not know this but modern ibis is STACKED compared to how it was in 2015 #like i remember when clipping layers were first implemented. and they sucked. like they didnt fully go over the lower layer #so it just left a gross tiny outline around the shape #and there wasnt any border or text tools either #and there was a hard cap on layer count depending on your device's storage and the canvas size #modifying brushes wasnt even a thing HAHAHAHAH you just used what you had #anyway okiku reference window unrelated shes just there for something else im working on<3 #bri talks #for the record all this is to say i think the smack talk towards ibis is pretty unwarranted #like yeah maybe its not as powerful as a lot of these fancy paid apps but i honestly think its insanely good for being a free program #i think getting rid of the ads costs more now than it did when i paid to get rid of them but i mean #free with ads is still a lot more than csp's ever gonna give you!!!! #(psst. secret from me to you! you wont get any ads if you disable the app's data usage and turn off wifi when you use it) #(alternatively just use airplane mode but you can still get texts and stuff the first way)

[deus-ex-mona]

when you can never forget… _(:3 」∠)_

#mad cringe 3am rant incoming pls stand by— #…so i found my enstars screenshots from 2018 and i don’t even remember half of them happening h e l p #there’s stuff like spamming for repayment fes event nazuna niichan till i had 0 dia left… #…and making ship birthday board things for the 2019 birthday events. i made leokasa and subahokke ones s o bs #and i think i saw a makoizu ss from the librarian event? the outfit + blushing seaweed head sure looks like it’s from that event #(tfw you’re the only one shipping this problematic ship lmao) #also speaking of enstars hi are there any other hokke recasting rejectors out there👀👀👀 #hokke’s current va has been voicing him for much longer than his previous va ever did and i *still* can’t get used to his ‘new’ voice lmao #i remember benching his 5☆ so fast the moment i heard his ‘new’ voice post-recasting. sad times. initial hokke was my first 5☆ too… #but the most cringe memory i have of enstars is… downloading it thinking it was a haikyuu game bc subaru lowkey looks like hinata. #in my defence i couldn’t read japanese back then ok. i was so confused when they told me to pick an idol unit bc ‘where my volleyboys at???’ #i really should’ve realised something was up when i saw hokke (or as i thought he was back then: haru from the swimming anime) appear smh #it took me like 2 months to get through the tutorial bc i was so confused. 0/10 experience; should’ve quit enstars on the first uninstall #but lmao i still have the og enstars app unupdated on my old phone. it still has the dumb 4th anni thing on the icon. time flies… #and well if you read this for some reason or other… go listen to ‘crush of judgement’ or ‘sei shounen yuugi’👀 they’re the best songs (imo) #also nazuna niichan is the bestest boy and prettiest boy and the cutest boy and have you seen his frozen ice card it’s so cute and aaaaaaa— #also now that that’s done can i talk about my 3.5 year long love live phase— #ok i think i got enough cringe out of my system for now. #tune in in a few hours for (maybe) more cringe tag blubbering about shin jidai this time (provided my dvd comes in today dhl p l s—) #it is suiyoubi my dudes #inedible blubbering

[elsewherelove]

from Love Letters to Skyscrapers

#aka danielle should have realized she was bisexual like 3 years before she had her first gay crush <3 #mine #poetry #words #okay to reblog #also the link goes to my first ever ever ever poetry chapbook published in like 2017 or 2018 i can't even remember which is insane #my writing #my poetry

[14crush]

ive been rewatching adventure time lately, i just got to lady & peebles and. i do think the scene where pb kicks ricardios ass might be at least like, 60% of the reason im a lesbian

#i remember i was so obsessed with that scene like i would just randomly think about it all the time #and i would get sooo excited when the ep would be rerun #princess bubblegum might genuinely be the first fictional crush i ever had. 9 year old me had good taste tbh

[jonathanrook]

okay but the problem is. and the reason i don't actually id as ace. is that i have. ya'know. been sexually attracted to people before. two. to be specific.

#okay so in hs i thought i was demi which ik is on the ace spectrum #but there were some flaws in that logic. those namely being. i had never actually been attracted to someone before. #in hs okay. you need to hear me out on this. in hs i was doing like. compulsive bisexuality?? #i figured out i was queer but didn't know how really so i was randomly picking all sorts of crushes. not just guys like anyone. #which is why fun fact to this day i still don't know how many people i've actually ever had a crush on lmao bc i'd even lie in my diaries #but i know some of them were real but it was just like. a little romantic attraction. #and everyone i had a crush on (real or fake for the most part) i was friends w so demi whatever. #BUT THEN. 2019. the unthinkable happens. dan howell comes out and i realize i'm a dyke. #it didn't actually happen exactly in that order but it's funnier to explain it that way. #anyway. like a week later i met the second hottest person i've ever seen in my life ever. #side note i'd already met the hottest but i have Sieve Brain and i genuinely don't remember how that went at all in the slightest #so the second hottest will have to do as my point of reference forgive me #anyway before i even knew her name. Salivating. insane. #and to this day i've still only been attracted to those two people. not even celebrities. #i don't know what “celebrity crush” means and at this point i'm too afraid to ask. #but i feel like i'm fairly old to have only wanted to. like. fuck two people. that seems like a low number. i don't know how this works. #and it's not demi if i didn't get to know them first right? #ace people explain y'all are smarter than me real #but it literally is still like i don't understand you people and your. sex. why are you like that. #rachel rants

[maranull]

hi,

read Loveless by Alice Oseman.

best aroace book

#book rec #and to be kinda serious for once today #other than having the best ace depiction i've ever seen #reading loveless was the first time that kinda got me #hmmm #that aro stuff seems kinda relatable #and then i was like naaaaah #'naaah' you goof #anyway i might be some sort of aro #been thinking about it a lot lately #cause the last crush i remember having was like... a decade ago? #and even then it was more the pressure to 'like' someone #so i was seeing girls i admired and was going 'i like her. now leave me alone' #but ye. not sure yet #kinda funny too #cause i only recently (like less than a month ago) became fully certain of my asexuality #and just as i thought i had my lgbtqa letters figured out #boom #'you might be aro as well bish' #but ye #not sure yet and i don't think i fall in the more common aro description #probably something like demi or gray aro feels a bit more fitting (i do like gray. feels kinda right?) #BUT REALLY NOT SURE YET #okay tag-wall done #sr sr #✌ #personal

[toastsnaffler]

istg one of these days.......

#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game #one of my fave posts ever in the world #anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me #its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭 #ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭 #like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay #bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS #anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!! #its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought #so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy #but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr #itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST #i wouldnt do that to him god forbid #buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am #this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night #need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:| #its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves #i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good #ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone #muah all round #.diaries

[astrxealis]

my ocs..... i love you

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #i came across a . almost 3 years old note on my phone last night i think? my original world and characters stuff aaa #:(( !! awh man i always vaguely remembered it but i thought i never wrote it down but i actually did #i had a realization earlier that the reason why i like ayer so much is probably because he reminds me a lot of nico as well LMFAO emo #younger brothers who act angry at times but are strong but also yeah and T_T anyways damn my favorite characters have always influenced me #so much. anyway. my ocs ... okay i love them all and a lot of it is underdeveloped but merle and lyra in particular stand out #i actually rambled about my main original world ocs on my priv twt. like. pronouns and simple backstories and sexualities lol #anyway merle and lyra mean the wooorld to me !! merle was formed off a very old oc that was very important in my childhood #lyra was first originated from an oc i created from the idea of my first and only ever irl crush. so yeah. yeah #i would say uhm... akira & merle are very similar and then lyra with aerith. to give a small idea. #the whole original story and world of mine really gives off square enix vibes LMFAO ff and kh fr mostly #would love to share more sometime but maybe i want to keep it a little secret. idk. i don't want to make it incredibly realistic but moreso #realistic still? it's super self indulgent but it has become less op from 3 years ago. but yeah? yeah

[dreamertrilogys]

hate hate hate when i realize/discover that one of my friends is hot. like can you (me) get out of here with your confusing & unwanted feelings….

#personally i don’t think i’d be able to have a crush on a friend without being too embarrassed to let my feelings fester like i’d just be #like [bland voice] oh they’re hot. whatever. fact of life #ALTHOUGH that’s the issue i think. like whenever i notice that a friend is objectively hot i can never tell if i like. actually like them #or not. ​whenever i’ve had a crush on anyone it’s always been someone i’m not already friends with or it doesn’t work. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I #ONLY LIKE UNATTAINABLE PEOPLE THO IS THE THING. because i used to sort of like this guy i only saw in the halls and then a little while ago #our respective friend groups merged and so now we’re friends and hang out and stuff but i still very much have a crush on him #but like the other day i noticed that my irl was actually like really hot but i don’t think i’d ever be able to #(allow myself to???) like her romantically bc we were friends first??? bro idk. and yet ideally conceptually i think trc was right #wait actually. maybe i’m sort of in love with all of my friends who knows. anyway #.txt #i know it’s only 1 am but i haven’t slept properly all week so that’s why i’m posting this btw #probably this belongs in the journal (private) not journal (public) #upon further consideration that irl was a bad example because i’m starting to remember that i noticed she was hot (in an objective way not a #crush way) before we became friends. HOWEVER there’s this other irl who i knew and didn’t think was particularly attractive and then we #became friends (before i just knew him from class) and i still thought the same way about him but THEN he got a really good haircut and i #realized he was actually sort of attractive and developed a crush on him for about. 12 hours before i was like what the hell #this is [REDACTED (<- his name in all caps)] we’re talking about and promptly fell out of love with him. which is weird because if the #situation (like the fact that we were friends) was different he’d probably be exactly my type personality wise and all too #irls tag #crushposting #ish?? #diary #gender diary #<- only diary tag i use

[neoyuno]

I havent been able to write bc I keep thinking abt this dude from one of my classes….

#remember how I asked how ppl talked to their crushes??? #yeah… I was talking abt someone else back then. he is still very hot tho… his voice and lips are chefs kiss #but now I find myself having a MASSIVE crush on another dude from the same fucking class #he’s so cute :( at first I didn’t pay kuch attention to him until I found out he is super funny and dorky and awkward and I want him so bad #but what sucks is that I cant talk to him normally anymore. I get so giddy and nervous around him that I always end up in super awk- #situations and ugh… I wish I could just tell him hes adorable bc he looks so shy and he has my heart bro #I have been dreaming abt him too and it annoys me bc I know nothing wioo ever happen. plus… I haven’t had a crush like this since my first #ever crush… so Idk what to do other than admire him from far away :( #he is so adorablr I wanna kiss him so bad #I need help #anyway…. pretty boy jae…. mhm #he reminds me of pretty boy jae in some way… idk #maybe its the awkward and cute behavior he has