#i really don't want to be alive anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lirulua · 14 days

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I hate money <3

So we're just in a perpetually tight spot, apparently and my mental health is shit and this is making this worse. And no we cannot get financial help from the government because my dads boss is a cunt and puts his tips as part of his pay check rather than tips so we make "too much" for assistance.

Anyway, we need help covering rent, getting food, my dad needs new glasses cause his broke and we need gas in the car. And I need some shorts for summer since I need to start walking for the sake of my health but we genuinely cannot stand the heat, it makes our depression worse we can't move, hell our bladder doesn't even work right when we get too hot. (We cannot afford to thrift right now either, but that is what we will be doing if this post actually works)

I'm trying to get some booths for craft fairs but they're either $300-$1,000 (I'm not exaggerating) or expect you to sign your soul over to them and almost all require you to have insurance which I also can't afford.

Our Ko-Fi is open for commissions. Currently, we have

Mushroom Boys - $20

Mushroom pops - $12

Mini Octopi - $5

Gummy Bear Plush - $10

Giant Heart Pillow - $200

Mystery Boxes - $25 $50 $100 $200 $500

Please if you can help, just please. If not Please spread it around. More stuff will be added once a week, next up are mini whales.

I don't know what to do man. This shit isn't worth it but my girlfriend is moving in in july which is the only thing keeping me going at this point.

#crochet #plushies #jacksepticeye #please #lgbt #lgbt pride #help #comissions #tw sui ideation #i really don't want to be alive anymore #but i can't kill myself yet #mushroom #cottage core #forest #whimsy

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dirty-fucking-pirate · 3 months

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I thought I had a friend, but I guess not. I think I need to stop trying to reach out to people. I just keep hurting myself with it. It's genuinely wrecking my mental health. Somehow worse than just isolating myself from the whole world.

#I really don't want to be alive anymore #I'm so tired

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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heyitsbpd · 2 years

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want to kill myself! nothing new!!!!!!

#caz yells #listening to this song right now and #ohhhh this post chorus part is such a pretty part to listen to when you've completely succumbed yourself and just waiting for death to take #over #i feel sick thinking like this but i don't feel too guilty #i really don't want to be alive anymore #fuck finding a lover. i'm completely under the belief now that i am just romantically unlovable by any other conscious being

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maulfucker · 7 months

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So fucked up that obimaul is a rarepair. What do you mean not everyone is obsessed with enemies to lovers with a Force connection, where one side is completely obsessed with the other who barely acknowledges him (but is just as affected)

#hm i should make an original post tag #obimaul #like. say what you want but obi-wan saw a random dathomirian zabrak and immediately went 'maul?? alive??'#he DOES care about maul he just doesn't actively seek him out like maul does #post prompted by this song that makes me think about Maul in his crime lord era‚ all the luxury of the world within his reach‚#but none of it satisfies him because what he really wants is to find (and kill) kenobi #'another night up in the best suite; everything's gone wrong already‚ my body admits; dreaming so high the floor is the limit;#once again i got lost.. [...] another night i give myself‚ top of a skyscraper; i'm the king of the world‚ dreams for rent;#and when i look at myself i sigh with a low voice‚ 'i don't feel bad i just feel nothing''#(<- song is são paulo‚ 2015 by jão)#it's a song about feeling dissatisfied with the life of fame because there's an emptiness he can't fill with sex drugs or luxuries #and from the context of the album it's likely he's thinking about a past lover he's still not over #so. imagine with me.#i might make something out of this. maybe.#but like. posting about songs that make me think obimaul thoughts. not very productive. almost no audience.#... and while making this post i've been attacked by yet another song with a very obimaul words #'lie to me‚ run from me‚ we swear it doesn't count‚ in this way of ours‚ but it's not because i hate you that i can't kiss you anymore'#<- pilantra by jão and anitta

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uselessnbee · 6 months

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what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her #but there's just something so tragic about the fact that she married a vile man and suffered abuse to protect her son #just for her decision to hurt him anyways just in a different way but the only other option would probably be Percy ending up dead #so she can't really truly regret it but she just wishes those weren't their only options #that she didn't have to do this just so that her child could stay alive #thinking about it makes me go feral #they had no choice but to suffer there was no way for their lives to be without this much hurt and trauma and it's terrible #and they didn't deserve it but there was so much love too #but the horrible thing is that that love just wasn't enough to save them from all that pain and i need to be sedated bye #percy jackson #sally jackson #pjo #hoo #percy and sally #percy jackon and the olympians #whatever you do don't think about a six years old lonely Percy sitting in a corner waiting for his mom to come back home from work #and he knows she loves him but he misses her so much when she spends so much time in work and that hurts #don't think about a ten years old Percy being sent away to a boarding school and he knows his mom loves him #but what if she's sending him away because he's just too much? or not enough? and what if she doesn't want him anymore?#and he knows that's not true but what if?#i'm thinking it #okay i think that's enough

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azaracyy · 3 months

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today, cupimon prays for your happiness too.

#digimon #cupimon #oc:elise #made myself draw more personal oc art when not working on comms haha #tbh the motivation behind this was a moment of weakness. like. wanting people to tell you you have done well and everything will be ok #but i also want to heal others that way. it's complicated. the world only seems to get harsher and harsher #holy or angel type digis are good picks for such and cupimon are adorable #imma be realistic this is a pretty tough time to be alive. let's not even try to compare with past eras or the like #the truth is so many of us are struggling so friggin hard we don't even know it anymore bc it's become so routine to our life #but it's honestly? really twisted? if you think of it that way. we're so used to suffering in life. it's so sad.#can only hope things get better someway. somehow. may good news even a little arrives to each of yall this week #btw really sorry folks. after the ai fiasco this site has gotten itself into i'm gonna post even lower res version for my newer works jic #artists writers creatives. do stay safe. keep yourselves and your work safe as much as you can #do what you need to do regardless it matters to you or not ok!#png

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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cuteniarose · 2 months

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Personally I find it really funny that based on what the twins said in the Book 2 finale re: having to tell their mom about what happened to Unalaq, it's literally canon that Unalaq's wife a) exists, b) is alive, and c) is just chilling in the Northern Water Tribe

She took one look at all the spirit fuckery her husband was getting up to and went "Well that's none of my business" and honestly I respect that

#oh and when I say spirit fuckery I mean it in both the literal and metaphorical sense. blame kat's latest raava and vaatu fic #yeah I'm just gonna start posting random LoK opinions on here now. this blog's been dead long enough #not really an incorrect quotes girly anymore sorry #not even a girl anymore. but you know #most of my red lotus and oc posting will remain on my personal blog though bc no one wants to see that #anyway. yes. Unalaq's wife. when I say the avatar franchise has a mom problem this is exactly what I mean #80% of characters don't have a mom. the moms that are alive either have little to no screen time or mentions #or they're basically Schroedinger's mom in the sense that they exist but not really #the exceptions being like. pema and suyin. and maybe senna though she also has very little screentime #my point is. the twins are younger than korra. I know avatarverse has a precedent for putting kids on the throne. looking at you zuko #but really we should have gotten unalaq's wife as chief of the nwt #introduced her in book 3 during the lead up to p'li's prison break #but that's just my objectively correct opinion #northern water tribe chief raspberry when #(according to avatar wiki her name is malina so I've been calling her raspberry in my head ever since I found out #malina means raspberry in russian that's why. probably in a bunch of other slavic languages too idk I'm not an expert #and she shares a name with katara and sokka's weird white stepmom from the comics which no sane person considers canon. so that's fun)#the legend of korra #unalaq

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galaxywhump · 3 months

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I'm really sorry to come here begging again but i could use some cheering up. Or something. Anything.

#it's gotten really bad again #and yes it's 2 am here and i can't sleep #and i hate going to sleep in a terrible mood #i hate crying myself to sleep #i wish i wanted to be alive but it's really hard rn #cause sometimes i just don't want to be stressed and depressed and miserable anymore #and right now i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel #if there even is one #marti vents #venting #delete later #sorry

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felizusnavidad · 2 months

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i'm going home tomorrow & i'm so excited to see my family, i really missed them

#also my mom told me some time ago that i'm really brave & i shouldn't give up #but i don't feel brave i feel tired #so basically i had three different jobs this year #first one i quit because i hated it & it was too chaotic #i got fired from the second one after over a month because apparently i was too nice #now the third one i know is just temporary because it's similar to the one i quit last year #and it's only because i need money so i can't stay jobless #my situation is kinda fucked up because i live here alone so i have to pay rent #and i really don't want to go back to my parents #i know i can but i wanna stay here #i've been working so hard to move to my favourite city and i want to start studies here this year i just can't give up #so i just took the job i didn't want #and i keep looking for something i might actually like #but god i'm tired #i feel like the biggest fucking failure #i just need a normal fucking job jesus why is it so hard #i don't want to work with customers anymore i hate people #and i also want to earn a little more money because trust me it's not that easy to live fucking alone #i mostly spend my money on food cause unfortunately i have to eat #but i'm not interested in just surviving i really want to start feeling alive again #ugh #talking shit for the hell of it*

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invisiblegarabgetruck · 6 months

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But to be honest tho, no matter what will or won't happen to Prime in the future won't stop me from drawing him like nothing happened anyway HAHA

I did it with Doofus Jerry, hermit Jerry, and now I will do it with prime (kinda concerning why I keep loving on death flagged characters in this franchise 😂😂)

#and if he really died then i don't have to care about what the official source say anymore >:3c (bad behavior i guess)#that left only Jerry tho #which idk if i want him to stay alive or....

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psqqa · 11 months

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this might just be because i am deeply, deeply terrified of The Vast Depths Of The Ocean, but i just cannot get myself up in arms about the whole "grave desecration" part of titanic tourism.

it is in fact significantly more comforting for me to imagine my hypothetical watery grave as somewhere people are constantly dropping in at all times than one where i am left to rest in cold, black, unfathomably desolate peace for all of eternity. cold, black, unfathomable desolation is precisely where the "nightmare" part of this nightmare scenario comes in for me, after all.

so yes, if you happen across my sunken bones, you all have my full permission to haul them back up to land. i don't care how much damage the oxygen and change in pressure is going to do to them and their archaeological value, just get me out of there.

#i acknowledge the anthropocentrism of this #but i feel like we can give my amygdala a pass on the self-centredness of its primal fears #this all being said #i fully respect it if grieving family members don't want people treating a location of great pain to them #as a fun tourist outing #the edmund fitzgerald is very much in living memory #for example #but like #the titanic is not #we're at a point where no one who personally knew anyone who died on the titanic is alive anymore #also we are constantly digging up wwi corpses and then sending them back to their country for proper military burial #when they've been identified #so like #this might be a significant moral failing on my part but i just cannot see the problem #anyway these oceangate folks really saw me fall back into one of my periodic Titanic Phases a few weeks ago #and said 'hey wouldn't it be fun if we kicked that morbid fascination up a notch or ten'#if it sounds like i am making light of this situation it is because this is very literally the nightmare scenario #the kursk sank when i was 10 and left its psychological fucking mark on me #not to mention the fateful fucking day i learned about tsunamis #horrifying #all of it #there is not enough money in the world to get me to go up into space or down into the depths of the ocean

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scarletcomet · 10 days

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my therapist was trying to convince me that I'd miss out on all of these things if I died, but I really don't care??

#i have a hard time convincing myself that staying alive would be worth it #even if i will feel better in a year or 10 years is it worth it?#i feel like being dead and never having to live or feel this way again would be worth it.#like yes i would never get to do a lot of things but i also would be dead so does it matter?#i just want to die so badly. i don't want to do anything anymore. i just want to be dead.#i don't know what to do #when you're suicidal they like to put you in the hospital but i don't see how going to the hospital could help me #ive already tried 13 antidepressants and the meds im on do help just not enough #so the hospital could help with safety but there's nothing that can really help me #i haven't been self-harming and i dont have like a specific plan so idk if the hospital would even take me

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pollen · 8 months

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can i get a bit real? i've been trying to think about what i can do to make myself want to be an active participant in my life and it's terribly difficult knowing what i want, big picture and even just in the moment. i'm starting small: what can i do right now to want to be in my life? what do i want to do? how do i want to be spending my time? i really just don't know. coasting has gotten too easy. too comfortable and unnerving.

#like i really just have no idea what i like really i just go along with whatever and it's making me so alienated from myself #i think a lot of it has to do with the agency i was at previously as well. the toxicity and burnout i was dealing with #i'm just so used to numbing myself to get through the day that now that i don't want to do that anymore i don't know what to replace it wit #*with #it's very exciting because i'm hungry for being alive but very overwhelming because no one's telling me what to do #and i don't have to live my life trying to make myself someone who's ok with being told to do things that i don't feel good at #but who am i underneath that! i'm someone. and probably someone decent if not great #but um AH making decisions. being alone with my thoughts. AH AH AH

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thatdude-noah · 7 days

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sometimes i realize im depression posting on here too much and i force myself to regain a love and hope for life. depression sucks because so many of the things that you don't want to do are the things that are actually beneficial to getting better. clean up your room. brush your teeth. take a shower. call your friends. go for a walk. it will not solve your problems, but it can help you feel better. i swear.

#living with depression for so long and so often i really do have to just. decide to not be sad anymore.#obviously that's an oversimplification but. wallowing in my sadness has never helped!#now the problem comes with the other mental illnesses and the things i don't have answers for #but i know depression well. depression is so dear to me.#anyways i've regained hope for life #constantly asking myself 'why am i still alive' and it's for this #it's for the hope. it's for the joy. they're still there even when they're hidden behind the clouds.#i'm still here because i love my friends and i want to say hello #i'm still here because i have mutuals to message and posts to make #i'm still here because there is so much to do and so much life to live #(i say all of this even though i will likely be depression posting again in a few months at the latest)

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elliesbelle · 10 months

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lol

#humungous trigger warning for the tags in the post #but i just need to vent somewhere and i don't want people irl to be in my business about this #or to get too worried and all...#tw: mentions of death and weapons and mental illness and suicide and sh-ing and abuse etc.#please feel free to ignore like i said i just need somewhere to vent #anyway i'm just so sick of being alive fr i've been so massively suicidal this past week and i'm so tired #having bpd AND bipolar AND depression AND ptsd and etc....#it really hurts so much #and my personal life is in fucking shambles like i just don't know what to do anymore #i feel so fucking alone all the goddamn time #so many friends don't give a fuck about anymore like they straight up just don't check up on me or anything #and my ex... i just. why can't you be more fucking understanding of what i'm fucking going through because of you #how the fuck did you turn my months-long depressive episode into me not caring about you cause i couldn't open about what i was going thru #i get you were fucking lonely but i was trying not to fucking die i was over here being talked off ledges #and then sending me a voice memo saying that you were lonely and trying to make an effort but i just didn't care about any of it #it's not fucking about you!!!! i didn't even let my own girlfriend or best friend in!!!! that's what fucking mental illness is!!!!!!#you promised that you'd be more understanding about my mental illnesses when we started talking again #what the fuck is this then?#why am i breaking down every time that you ignore me or take forever to text #like... she's gone back to calling me by my name instead of calling me 'baby' like she always has #she hasn't called me by my name since we first started talking it's been literally fucking years #and not saying i love you to me anymore...#and how can you fucking promise to stay in my life and still be my 'friend' and then fucking ignore me and don't answer my text messages #how the fuck am i supposed to feel that you haven't responded to me in over 24 hours but you react to days old ig messages from me #i fucking hate having borderline for fucking real i hate that she's my fp it hurts so fucking much #i feel like a fucking child i can't deal with this #i literally woke up from my sleep at like 3 or 4 am this morning nearly screaming #and then my gf found me on the living room couch crying and cuts all over my arm and a kitchen knife next to me #my left arm has been stinging all day from the fresh wounds #too painful to bandage them at the moment

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flufflecat · 1 month

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Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming

#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it #we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny #and we thought we'd have to put her down #I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies #but shes in such bad shape #and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old #and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere #and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon #I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts #I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her #and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone #and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her.#I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama.#and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people.#I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't #idk what to do. it's all just piling up #I feel worse rn than I have in years #and more bad things just keep happening #I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application #but now my motivation is just gone #I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow #but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that #I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town #at least they're all nice people #this all sucks so fucking bad #personal #negative

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