#i like my coworkers and i feel like im actually connecting with most of them

[scattered-winter]

working retail is making me remember how much i hate stupid customers btw

#so i work in a tiny nonprofit thrift store. right. #its one room w concrete floors and very compact shelving because there is just No Room for anything. #and our office/employee backroom/breakroom is a little corner with wood+canvas dividers separating it from the rest of the store #with LOTS of signs saying employees only nothing is for sale here etc etc etc #and there was a customer today who went through the divider to ''shop'' in the ''other section of the store'' #and we didnt even KNOW someone was back there until she brought up one of my coworker's purses to ask how much it was </3 #im so baffled. there are so many signs saying its employees only. #not to mention that the office is full of notes and paperwork and my boss's computer and filing cabinets and the fridge and microwave #its CLEARLY an office/break room. even if you ignore all the signs. and YET. #there's also people who will literally just steal. anything and everything #which like. i will always support shoplifting from walmart or another big retail company. in fact i encourage it. #but a tiny locally owned NONPROFIT thrift store that supports local arts ???? HELLO ???????????????? #gah. i should be allowed to throttle one customer per day. i should get paid to do so #most of them are so so sweet. we have regulars who are in almost every day and they are the NICEST people ever #but its just those few who are absolutely the worst most selfish stupid people to ever live #woes from work #winter speaks #all complaining aside i do enjoy my job quite a bit more than i thought i would #i like my coworkers and i feel like im actually connecting with most of them #and i love my supervisor. i have so much respect for her she's an amazing person #you win some you lose some i guess. cool job i actually like but with stupid fucking customers who make me want to MURDER

[anthroposeen]

tmagp 12 relisten notes

Celia:

- requests tea, not coffee, the OIAR custom. points to her being from the TMA universe + bonus thing! there was no tea in the OIAR and sam lended her some. potentially a demonstration of their relationship dynamic lore-wise (celia representing other-wordly things and sam's insistence on interacting w them. this is definitely a reach, though, since im very much a 'the curtains are never just blue' person)

- she agrees to go out with sam but needs to "sort some things out" maybe related to jack, georgie, or her individual research

Sam:

- he asked her out! oh my god (alice's father)!

- is trying to distance himself from the magnus institute (TMI) but is still unable to break his curiosity about it

Alice:

- watched sam ask out celia (we can assume it was with the manner of a deer in the headlights)

- "its rude to have no game" i love you maam

- no glitch after she says "i cant believe im missing out on all of this- devastating" but could be because it comes off as more sarcastic than a blunt lie

- "we dont always get what we want, do we?" potentially a hint at her feeling about sam

- "i go by alice, now, actually" important only because i adore you miss dyer

- seems to genuinely care about gwen, lending to the idea that shes protecting her coworkers

- "i dont wonder. i know" no glitch followed this statement. it could be because it was meant as a joke and not to deceive gwen, but who is to say

Gwen:

- she's trying to discuss the morality of their roles and seems to be unhappy to participate in mascot strip club murder

- "you dont wonder what the point is? who benefits from all this awfulness?"

Glitches/lies:

- "dont worry about it, it wasnt that bad" alice, referencing TMI

- "no." sam, lying about not being interested in information about TMI

Incident:

- this is the result of gwen giving mr bonzo the hit, and it seems to have been read at her computer (once again implying theres a consciousness within FR3D1 or jmj)

- incident made by jordan bennett -> maybe related to this universe's bennett family (connection to barnabas bennett) but i doubt its lore relevant

- no obvious alchemic ties in this incident

- this case is narrated by norris/martin, but goes against the regular theme of his incidents (lonliness, loss of a loved one)

- the robotic sound of the narration seems to be diminishing, with very little of the beginning and end of the incidents being read in a monotone and robotic voice

- i want to voice my deepest appreciation for the title being "getting off", along with mr bonzo initiating a hit for the uk government in a strip club. incredible. absolute cinema from the minds of AJN and johhny sims truly

The target:

- before this episode, my theory was that klaus, colin, and teddy were the most likely to be the hit

- based on this list, if the target is the groom, it makes the most sense for it to be klaus, since there has been no mention of colin or teddy being engaged, and thats a clue i dont think the writers would leave out. however, the groom is called "baz" by his friends, which is a nickname i dont recognize (but its potentially on the rpg somewhere?)

- im not very convinced that klaus was the groom in this incident. i think the hit may have been obvious to lena, but gwen has yet to connect all the dots, leaving the audience a bit in the dark as well

#tmagp #the magnus protocol #tmagp 12 #tmagp theory #tmagp spoilers #alice dyer #mr bonzo #sam khalid #celia ripley #gwen bouchard

[big-greer]

I know i dont usually post stuff like this, for the longest time if you had asked me what my gender was id say i was a regular guy..but in truth i say that but i never really felt like i "Fit" with the term guy. Like in my brain whenever i think of myself i never really think specifically about being a male. Before i just assumed "oh its cause i am one, obviously i wouldnt consciously think of that. its sort of a given" but looking back that clearly wasnt the case, always joked how i barely counted as a guy and most people either would laugh like its a joke but a few days ago a coworker asked why..and i sort of froze up cause i had never really stopped and asked myself why? Like i knew i didnt act like a normal guy, i didnt think like one, i never had that attachment to the title of being male. so i always felt this disconnect from manhood, and even when my father tried to teach me to be a man it always felt like i was just an outsider looking in and learning a lesson through a window or something. he tried all kinds of stuff you would expect a "manly" guy to know, hell he even taught me how to track through a forest (would cut notches in trees and we walked from the top of a mountain to the bottom and had me lead us back following the marks he made. yeah dad take your like 14 year old to the fucking bottom of a mountain and make me track cut marks like some legendary hunter lol). and he would always explain what manhood was and i just....it never connected to me you know? i always chocked that up to the fact my dad was never really around (after he and ma divorced he sorta slowly dissapeared from my life till he was dead one day) and so i figured i wasnt like a regular guy cause i was raised by like, 95% woman only so i thought that might be why? but as ive come to realize it isnt that and ive just never really vibed with the idea of being just a guy, its never clicked for me.

Now dont get me wrong, the idea of using she/her pronouns actually is uncomftorable to me so now i feel like im sort of just floating here? in between gender in my own sort of like...little world and im worried about doing it right. Yeah i know "oh i want to do good at gender which is a logical and reasonable thing that can be done" i know i know. But like, i dont want to wear makeup and dresses and stuff (though nail polish would be nice, perhaps a good black would be cool.) and i feel like i dont particularly want to wear any womans clothing? i like guy clothes, there comfy, fit me nice, and for obvious reasons they are all i got lol. Also i like having my goatee and facial hair so thats also a thing. i just worry that after browsing the nonbinary tag that cause of stuff like this i wouldnt be good at being nonbinary, or that i would do it wrong. OH also that i would still be comfortable with people using he/him pronouns as well as they/them but wouldnt feel comftorable with somebody using she/her ones (perhaps this is just cause he/him pronouns are all ive known my entire life and thats why im more comfy with them). yeah all that makes me worried id be doing nonbinary wrong, which i know is a dumb sentence cause nobody can do gender "wrong" and that its a personal thing that is up to only the person whose gender its about feelings on the situation. but that lingering doubt is still in my mind, that i will be some sort of fraud or not ACTUALLY nonbinary and stuff. cause lord knows alot of tumblr views nonbinary as just "WOMAN 2" and if you arnt some hyper androgynous person you arnt actually nonbinary and i know i know, i shouldnt care what fuckin morons on tumblr say.

But gender stuff is new to me, VERY knew. Lord knows i still have strange feelings towards being ace and sometimes worry im not "ACE" enough to be considered ace. so im def still fighting some internal demons about this stuff. But having good friends around is helping out alot and i cant even imagine how id handle dealing with this sort of stuff alone (cause lord knows what little family i got left wouldnt be the most...supportive) anyway uh, gender is fuckin wild and confusing and stupid and simple and everything and nothing and lord does it give me a headache.

#gender fuckery #nonbinary #i guess i consider myself nonbinary #even if im worried im not nonbinary enough #whatever that means

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for almost making someone die?

ok ik thats a lot, so ill try to start at the beginning. i (17nb) have been working with this one environmental organization since it was started when i was 12. ive devoted a lot of time to it n to seeing it grow, n when the group got big enough that we could rly expand to more places than just my country i was actually assigned to be in charge of running things here. i dont do it alone or anything bc i do have help from our real leader (40s m) n the people who run the branches in the 2 other countries we operate in, especially the one whos also been here since the beginning (30s nb), but its still a rly big responsibility n its important for me to b able to focus n not let other things distract me from my job.

a few months back, i thought it mite b nice to make my own account on the social media site where our group has the most presence so i could post abt personal things. i didnt mention my connections though (the stuff we do is kinda a bit illegal). it went rly well, n i ended up talking to this one person (20s f) who was rly nice, n we became friends p quick. the big problem was that she didnt like my group at all bc she was rly mad abt some of the stuff we'd done in her country, so there was kinda a conflict there. but some stuff happened, she ended up finding out who i rly was, n surprisingly she wasnt rly that mad at me? n she promised to keep it a secret, n it kinda went well from there other than it being kinda uncomfortable that she liked me n not what i do.

i mean, it did for a while. eventually though it became rly clear that talking to her was distracting me from my work, so my boss n coworker asked me to cut her off. n it hurt kinda a lot, but i did it. n thats where the story shouldve ended.

then i kinda fucked up. i was feeling rly weird bc of of smth that had just happened, n my boss n coworker weren't able 2 pick up the phone. my other coworker (??? i dont even kno this persons pronouns) isnt rly good w emotional stuff, but that was the last person i had to contact for support. n that person wasnt there either.

n i kno it was a mistake. i kno i shouldnt have done it. but i was kinda desperate for someone to talk to, n i ended up calling the friend id cut off even though i knew i wasnt supposed to. n she answered, n we talked. n i tried to go back to normal after that, but she started texting me again, n eventually i broke n answered her.

fast forward to today, n i just found out that my coworker had to try to kill my friend bc i couldnt control myself w her. the person who told me says it wasnt my fault, but if id just been able to resist the temptation to contact her again there wouldnt have been any messages for them to see in the first place. n on top of that, i kno that caring abt ppl too much makes them die, n i still let myself make that connection w her in the first place.

i mean, i think its p clear im the asshole here. basically the whole posts just been stuff i did wrong. but i kinda want to get confirmation, just so i dont have to keep thinking abt the thing the person who gave me the news said.

#aita #am i the asshole

[pumpkinpie59]

i hate how enemies to lovers is so popularized but only if they actively despise each other and all their tension is based on physical attraction alone and not rlly genuine emotional connection

like im sorry but my flavor of enemies to lovers is where even tho they’re on opposite sides it genuinely pains them that theyre apart. they try to avoid hurting the one the love as much as they possibly can. if something does happen it rips them to shreds emotionally.

like. examples.

wow shocking

these two are probably the fluffiest enemies to lovers ever.

when they fight it’s clear they aren’t really fighting to hurt the other. they fight because they both enjoy sword fighting and respect each other’s skills. it’s more like playful sparring than fighting.

and being on different sides (depending on who hires lotus) doesn’t affect them all too badly since they respect each other’s choices and choose not to pressure each other to switch sides (at least not after their first episode together).

they’re both super whipped for each other and it’s sweet. lotus doesn’t show up as often as i’d like but when she does leonardo is always rlly sweet with her, and they both help each other willingly.

if yall have been following me for years yall know about them ,

in both the og anime (above image) and in the reboot, pie is fascinated with retasu’s compassion and selflessness.

he was raised to believe humans were evil so seeing how good retasu is made him question his entire mission. in the og anime, while he still fought to save his people, he noticeably avoided fighting retasu for the most part after episode 41 (when she first shows compassion to him). at the end, he ultimately risks everything to save her after doing so many things he regrets. it’s implied multiple times he’s attracted to her (including a shot of him reacting sourly to retasu saving ryou, the one she has a crush on for most of the series).

“if only we had lived in another era …”

the og doesn’t really explain if they meet after he leaves, but the reboot has a much more solid ending for the two of them. they become friends and pen pals, writing each other about their lives and cultures.

they’re more like enemies to friends with feelings but it’s still great.

in the manga they hardly interact but they do end up coworkers which is funny to me. enemies to awkward coworkers to lovers fkdkdk

okay these two are a stretch but i still love them,

blackarachnia isn’t rlly good. unlike pie or lotus, she doesn’t have a lot of redeeming qualities. she’s a mad scientist with selfish goals and she’s extremely stubborn. so why include her?

because she still cares for optimus, even if she hates to admit it. and she doesn’t admit it because of trauma.

it’s not really like she goes out of her way to try and hurt him. she’s angry at him, yes, but when she makes promises to him she keeps them. she acts distant and manipulative but when she has the chance to genuinely hurt him, she doesn’t.

that said, both she and optimus need a lot of healing before they actually try to get together. they’re both traumatized, pained, and flawed individuals.

sentinel too but that’s a rant for another time

optimus has his new found family that’s helping him learn and grow. blackarachnia doesn’t have that. i think if she got to have her predacon family who cared about her, maybe she could find herself in a better place mentally and emotionally and that could open doors for her.

but ye they still have an emotional connection, even if they have obstacles to fight through.

#pumpkin stuff #idk man im rantinf

[destinyc1020]

I mean Austin and Z both do have a connection to Kaia lol its just a fact, anon. I personally wuld find it a lil awkward bt Austin n Z seem cool, Austin did praise Z multiple times and it is nice that Kaia seems to show support to Z via IG (mayb in person too). The fact that this was the 2nd time she dated Zs coworker is just funny to me lol I feel lik its continuously stated on this blog that Kaia seems lik a nice person. We talk a lot about Tom, Z, and Austin and Zs connection to Kaia is that they dated the same lame man and now Zs coworker. She isnt the "bad guy" (whatever that means lol), but yes, unfortunately I recgonize she does has haters purely based off who she dates, which is unfortunate. Ppl also dnt care for her cuz of her acting too, which is valid. She has fans (and if you look up "Kaia Gerber" on twitter, ig, tumblr, im sure u'll find them), who seem to lik her, which is good for her and is getting various projects, so... this "poor girl" is going to b fine off of a few comments on a blog lol

Exactly Anon lol 💯

I feel lik its continuously stated on this blog that Kaia seems lik a nice person.

Exactly! We've said this countless of times.

Ppl also dnt care for her cuz of her acting too, which is valid.

Thank you! 👏🏾 And that's people's right to think that! It's not "hating" on someone, it's simply an opinion on someone's acting.

How many times have we clowned JDW's acting in here lol? We've clowned him so bad... even to the point of talking about that weird photoshoot he did with his mom cradling his head rofl. 🤣

Funny, I never heard anyone coming to HIS defense and calling us "haters" when we've talked and joked about his acting. 🙄

I've said countless times on here that I don't think Laura Harrier can act either. Again.... SILENCE.

But as soon as we dare to say that we don't think Kaia is that great of an actress, all of a sudden, her two fans come up in here acting like we've called her all sorts of names or smthg. 🙄 Get real lol....

Personally, Kaia has always been kinda meh to me....I felt that way even when she was dating JE. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I don't hate the girl or anything, I just find her boring, and I'm just not really a fan.

It's kind of irksome already to see Nepobabies getting opportunities over struggling actors/actresses and poc who've been working their butts off for YEARS just to get the chance to get auditions in Hollywood, but it's even MORE annoying to see nepobabies without acting talent getting roles over these individuals. 😔

But hey, nobody can help who they're born to, so I get it. 🙃

I'm just not really a fan? She seems like she's a nice person though. 😊 And if she makes Austin happy, then even better! 👍🏾

She has fans (and if you look up "Kaia Gerber" on twitter, ig, tumblr, im sure u'll find them), who seem to lik her, which is good for her and is getting various projects, so... this "poor girl" is going to b fine off of a few comments on a blog lol

Thank 👏🏾 you! 👏🏾

If you're a fan of Kaia, then go to her fan blogs. Or look up her fan accounts on Twitter. @bcofl0ve is a huge fan of Kaia on Tumblr. You can go check out her blog, and I'm sure you'll be welcomed with open arms!

Look, I am not one of those fans who's of the mindset that I HAVE to become a fan of whoever my fave is dating. 🥴

I wasn't a fan of Kaia's BEFORE she was dating Austin, and I don't have to be a fan of hers now.🤷🏾‍♀️ Kudos to her and her acting goals, but I already have more than enough actresses that I actually enjoy to watch. I don't need to force myself to become a fan of hers, or lie about how I feel regarding her acting just because Austin is currently dating her lol. 😄

And YES, Kaia will be just fine. Unlike MOST actors out here, she was born in wealth, she has famous parents, she's white, she's privileged, and she has a ton of connections to make her dreams come true! Nobody needs to feel sorry for this girl. She's gonna be alright lol. 😅

[dausy]

Well I've been daily updating twitter ofcourse. I kind of at the last moment decided I was going to do a daily doodle thing. I did this years ago, where I drew something every day for a year. I'm not doing a full illustration this time just really simple, essentially a couple lines and thats it. Just to help the creative juices flowing. I probably wont stick it out for an entire year but I keep getting myself backed up into an artistic corner and I want to back back out of it and find a new corner. Instead while I've been doing that, I've also been using it as an excuse to update the status of my current ailment.

so essentially, I had already self-diagnosed myself with the flu but I did go ahead and made an urgent care appointment on Saturday (?). I will say that I normally get a flu shot, every year, I did not get one this year. Next year I will definitely be getting one. I definitely got this from my coworkers and theres was like 3x milder than mine. My immune system was not prepared.

I did not want to physically go to urgent care because I didn't feel safe driving. I was super short of breath and I felt very drunk (because its in my ears! my ears are messed up). Also, didn't want to sit in a waiting room when sitting up sounded like a lot of effort and besides, what is urgent care going to tell me that I dont already know? viruses are treated with rest and fluids and thats it. However, I assumed my boss was going to be on top of me for some sort of a work note even though I'm not a full time employee and I dont feel like I should need one but I had agreed to work on monday and if I called in she'd probably pitch a fit. I discovered, thanks to the local spouse groups, that there was a local mobile urgent care. They came to my house! I schedule an appointment and they came out about an hour later. The most convenient thing ever. They apparently didn't take my insurance so they charged me 179$ out of pocket but I wasn't going to complain. I didn't have to go anywhere. I could track the MA on gps and they sent me his photo so I didn't "have to be scared" lmao. It was all very nice.

I had already tested myself for covid and it was negative. I was tempted to start myself on prednisone (because I practically have an entire pharmacy at home) but HR was a good 115 and adding steroid to that sounded not fun. Normally my HR runs 60s if Im calm and 80s if Im stressed. 115 with steroids on board didn't sound like fun. My 02 was dropping to 93 when I was up and walking around but it would go back up to the high 90s. This poor MA came with a laptop that virutally connected to a PA and they were like "what do you want me to do for you?" like I guess I mainly just wanted to make sure that I was safe to be at home and I have evidence I saw some sort of healthcare person as proof.

I oddly enough didn't have much of a cough until about yesterday. I was feeling short of breath and when I did cough I'd cough gunk up but mainly it just hurt to cough but it wasn't frequent at all. Now I'm coughing alot. The worst part was the hot/cold flashes. I completely drenched the bed in sweat. I've never seen that much water come off of me. I literally touched the valley of my stomach and it was a puddle. I splished my hands in it. I would alternate between uncontrollable sweating to then freezing to death. I thought I'd be over it and I washed all my linens yesterday and then last night, just sweat everywhere. Which was annoying because I felt....nagged..?..guilttripped? to go into work today by my boss. Like I was faking it..I couldnt possibly be sick that long(my coworkers recovered in 2 days)..maybe I was crazy and I wasn't sick?

so I did! I WENT TO WORK TODAY. My coworkers were actually fine. They said they were actually surprised they handled things well without me. I'm simultaneously proud of them and really aggravated that I went in. Because I really did feel terrible. I realized real fast how weak I was and my brain was not functioning. I even gave myself the easiest roll I could where I was off in a corner away from people and I was struggling. I was struggling to walk and I was struggling to stand. My partner at work let me know how bad I looked too. I apparently looked like a frail old lady. Which was nice.

So I went home. My boss is like "wait where you going?". I guess in her defense she came equipped with a bunch of throat lozenges for me but I didn't have a sore throat. I have no energy and cant breath. So I'm going home. I dont work tomorrow btw.

#healthcareworkers #imsick8( #dailydoodle #artblog

[mikarchive2]

having a retail job ( i sell books so its the like the best genre of retail there is . it counts though ) is turning me into a radical leftist but for completely opposite reasons lol ... i actually enjoy this type of work so much im able to look into peoples eyes and smile at them and be kind to them ! they need me to do something for them and i can do it and we are both satisfied ! yesterday my coworker teasingly pointed out that i was 'glowing' after serving our first customers of the day . thats the first time someone used that word to describe me i usually just look very tired . a big deal i think . anyway its insane that this job is seen as something 'lesser' than sitting in an office all day doing fuck all . thats where the leftism comes in i guess i would gladly do this or something like this for the rest of my life but it doesnt pay enough . no if you want to live in at least some luxury you have to give pointless presentations and self-evaluate and make up opinions on things that dont directly influence neither you nor your loved ones, things that you dont have power over anyway . but i think most people just want to feel useful . and needed . there is endless joy and connection in serving others like this

#🌺

[azumasoroshi]

HELLO HI YOUR LONDON SIDE DLC POSTS HAVE ME DYING I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VANLOCK THOUGHTS BEFORE THESE LOSER DIVORCEES FUCKING KILL ME

YOU WROTE THE VANLOCK DANCE OF DEDUCTION THING OH MY GOD A VANLOCK ICON HAS VISITED MY HUMBLE CHAMBERS

words cannot express how much i love vanlock like i got into it for the exes energy at first in dgs 1 and then it all spiralled from there and i started reading fanfiction (there's this one really good author i absolutely adore) bro dude i was there when there were 36 vanlock fics on ao3 and 18 of them were in chinese i have remained devoted and i will continue to remain devoted to these gayasses

most of my thoughts ive already posted about them, some of them i plan to make into fics once school stops kicking my ass with a vengeance and im writing one right now but lemme try to highlight everything i like about their dynamic uhhhh

there is so much potential post-dgs2 for their dynamic because found family and [cOUGHs in dgs2 spoilers] and literally how are they NOT gonna have to be in contact 24/7 they are going to be married in 10 years if iris has anything to say about it.

we dont know ANYTHING about their history even though they clearly have a history which is just a green flag for headcanons to go wild, i mean im already deadset on the idea that both of them at least minored in theater with how fuckin flamboyant they are so van zieks majored in law while herlock majored in either chemistry, engineering, or the art of driving everyone insane. or everything idk

they must have done a stage kiss at least once that was extremely fraught with actual romantic/sexual tension that everyone but them noticed and was extremely awkward about. benjamin/albert happens to be with van zieks when they both see herlock in the present and albert is like "oh hey i remember him you guys did that really awkward stage k-" and van zieks is like "please stop talking"

i said this in another post but it is so unclear what their relationship is that you could assign so many things to it. exes, divorcees, one night stand, several night stands, coworkers with benefits, secretly married, what are you i could write so much fanfiction about you there are so many potential complex emotions and conflicted feelings and regret and i live for that shit

I NEED BAROK TO WALTZ WITH HERLOCK IN A DANCE OF DEDUCTION PLEASE GOD

i'm pretty sure herlock DOES trust van zieks to some extent and my memory is fuzzy but i don't think he's ever really indicated that he actually thought van zieks was The Reaper despite calling him shinigami-kun/reapy/mr. reaper and such?? correct me if im wrong but he seems to subtly guide ryuu into realizing that barok is not in fact a murderer

the london dlc case literally has me reeling like sholmes used his very questionable connections to find out van zieks' birthday and then both he and iris snuck into his office to do nice things for him what the fuck like this was a family project?? they straight up adopted him and he didnt notice

i read this one addition to my post where someone talked about how barok and sholmes are a lot nicer to each other in private and sholmes says "barok" instead of reapy and i havent seen much of 2-5 but i dont even care if it's true or not im making it canon in my head im so down bad for the enemies in public softer in private dynamic like shizaya or dabihawks

the way the public actively avoids both of them, one of them because he's annoying and the other because he's supposedly a murderer is good flavor i enjoy that and i enjoy people gawking at them being in public together interacting normally i read this one fic where barok was used to observing the thirteen foot distance between him and the crowd and then herlock joined him and he was like oh. it's fourteen feet now ahskdGSDGSHKkjhdsjh

gina iris and the apprentice teasing/exposing barok for his crush on herlock is also very fun, and vice versa

them being like "my masked apprentice is better" "no ryuunosuke is better"while said apprentices are making out

they qualify for my "teachers that have tried to kill each other at least once and are also probably married and students have no idea what their relationship is" au that i lovingly bestow on all my older people ships

there's probably more but i have to get back to work ahjdkGHJSJ anyway vanlock supremacy

#vanlock #homubaro #herlock sholmes #barok van zieks #I NEED MORE OF THEM #dgs #dai gyakuten saiban #the great ace attorney #tgaa #i was looking up the eight feet nine feet fanfiction for this post #to see if i got the numbers right cuz it mightve been 7-8 feet #i did not find it in time because i started reading another fanfiction #it's very good it's called step one: be someone else #never mind i found the first fanfiction #it's 13-14 feet not 8-9 lmAOOO #i thought i was overestimating but i was vastly underestimating the distance people keep from barok

[askaborderline]

I feel like i always fall for people who are literally unavailable. Either they live too far, or they already have an s/o or both. I hate being 26 and being single my entire life. Everyone i know has someone. Theyre all happily in love and they have good jobs and are moved out and i have no one and nothing except a job that doesnt pay well and a family that constantly emotionally and verbally abuses me. Ive regretted every single time ive told someone i had feelings for them bc they reject me, ghost me, or they already have someone. Im so so lonely and its so hard for me to make friends at college bc im 7-8 yrs older than those kids. And its even harder at work bc i feel like everything is superficial. That no one there is actually my friend, they just talk to me bc they work with me.

They say that no one likes you when you’re 23…. or 24, 25, or 26 I guess…

I think everyone can relate to falling for someone unavailable. While the internet is great in part because it creates a culture where we can connect with people around the globe, that of course means that we can’t always meet people in person. While there are plenty of people who can work around this, and do, that really isn’t the case for everyone.

I’m sure everyone can relate to falling for someone who also already has a S/O. The polyamory part of my brain wants to yell “That’s okay! Date them anyway!” But trust me we understand that most people do not want to date more than one person, and we run into that as well a lot.

And honestly, even if you do find someone, there’s no guarantee they’re going to be a good fit.

I’m sure you can find 100 posts out there telling you that you’ll find someone, it just takes time, and while those are of course well-intended, it’s not always a helpful message to hear. It can very easily come across the same way some toxic positivity messages come off.

As does messages that say things like “everyone is in a different spot in their life, it’s okay if you feel behind”. But it still sucks. We know this.

It’s very easy to tell people “when you turn 18 (in the US) you’re free!” but… it’s very hard to actually move out on your own and a lot of times it comes down between putting up with an abusive and shitty household or quite literally being homeless. “At least I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in and food to eat.”

People can’t help if you come to them about having feelings for them and they already have someone and are strictly monogamous. People also can’t help if they simply don’t have the same feelings for you as you do them. But it still really sucks, and so does people ghosting you over it.

I understand not making friends easily at college. While I’m not 26, I am 23, but also I look 21. I haven’t made any friends in college either, and certainly the few acquaintances I have made are not anyone who would date me or I would even want to date.

And yeah, work place friendships are certainly a real thing- I see my coworkers come in and hang out with each other off the clock all the time, and I know they text and snap each other all the time, etc. I, personally, don’t fit in with really any of my coworkers, and do not have that. My coworkers very much only talk to me because they work with me.

The solution I see most people talk about is either going to events or try online dating. Well, I’ve tried online dating and personally it does not work for me, but at this point I work and go to school so much I don’t have the energy to be going to places on a frequent basis. Not to mention going places cost money, and if you don’t have your own form of transportation then you really aren’t going anywhere. I’m kind of tired of these being the go-to answers when people ask “how do I make friends in my 20s”, but I personally don’t have any other answers. If anyone else has any suggestions that aren’t “meet people in school, get a job, go to events, and try dating apps” I would love to hear them because I too am in this situation and all ears.

And I mean really even if you DO manage to overcome these things, seriously sometimes the relationship itself is worse than being single. I quite literally managed to attend a concert where a guy started talking to everyone around him and ignoring his clearly awkward little brother so I made a point to ignore him and talk to his brother which led to him pretty much asking me to help look after said little brother to which I was like ofc this guy is way cooler than you and I don’t want to talk to you but I ended up getting a crush on him and we started talking after and ended up in some sort of faux relationship that was very up-and-down and overall bad for me and culminated in him going to a different state to pick up his kid and get divorced while sleeping with someone else all while I was… back home… so like YEAH even if you do overcome all that and find someone it could literally go like that 😳.

But like. Idk. I have to have hope at the same time? Do I really think I’m going to end up with someone in 2023? No. But I really think that I personally have to have hope. Because I don’t have anything else. I don’t haven’t friends here. I don’t have things to do here, or if I do I really don’t have the energy to do them while being chronically ill and working 20-30 hours a week + being a full-time student doing 12-15 credits a semester… just because I didn’t make any friends last semester doesn’t mean I won’t make any this semester. Just because none of my coworkers want to spend time with me outside work (and that’s fine because the feeling is mutual) doesn’t mean that perhaps some day a customer won’t come in and see me and think that I would make the perfect friend (or more). But, uh, yeah, it hasn’t happened yet. My coworkers are either in long-term relationships or are getting dating apps and getting dates within a week and then that same night they’re telling me this having customers ask if they’re single and I’m like wow! That’s great I’m getting misgendered by other trans people because people apparently can’t even tell I’m gay. And then I come on to tumblr to escape that crushing reality and see my mutuals all in healthy loving relationships with 4+ people or finding a new budding romance at also 23. So then I vent about it to my online friends who all also have partners. Or I text my irl best friends back home about it who are just as neurodivergent as me so 48+ hours later (or a month. Or never) they respond with “damn that sucks sorry to hear that”. And then I sit at home and my mom goes “I’m going with the friends I’ve made! See you later!” And I just. Sit at home. And probably sleep because I’m exhausted.

I’m not going to push anyone to have hope. If you really don’t have any hope that’s fine. You’re allowed to sit and complain about how lonely you are. I’ll listen, at least. Because I very much understand. And even if I wasn’t in the same boat, I would still listen. I understand the feeling of feeling like it’s not going to get better. It really sucks. I do hope it gets better for you though. And me too. Maybe 2023 will be our year. Statistically if we’re going to find someone then the older we get is another year closer to that. It’s just the waiting that sucks.

#aab #mod spooky

[polyamorouspunk]

How does one make friends as an adult? I could hardly do it in school, but now I've graduated and have no clue what I'm doing

My dude you are asking the wrong person I made exactly 1 friend and it was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in and it was only 6 months.

But if you find out let me know!!!

(Srs) find clubs/events going on. My mom joined a book club and throws axes in a league weekly. None of those people are friends she would like bring over or anything but before we left CT she was in a card playing group that she would spend time with outside of the actual games and two of them ended up getting married from it.

Idk though. Like I go to Pride and I went to the pride prom and it’s all fun but I don’t connect with people past the night there. I have someone I used to talk to more who literally just like every day was like “I’m going to a concert and then I’m going on a date with this friend the day after and then two days after that I’m hanging out with my group of friends and I might go to the bar and flirt with the bar tender I have a thing with” and honestly talking to them makes me miserable and I’m glad we don’t talk as much because they just constantly tell me how great their life is now that they can be out and themselves and they’re casually seeing like 10 different people etc and when I said something along the lines of “I’m not good at making friends like that” their response was “I guess it’s just different for you” which really stung because it’s like yeah it is I have at least 3 mental illnesses and I’m chronically ill and I can’t actually go out and do the things I want to do.

It’s very hard when you don’t have constant access to a big city. I live in rural North Carolina and I live half an hour from the city I work in and gas is expensive! I’ll be going back to college (hopefully) this fall in person. I met a few friends in college, one I still talk to and I actually have been talking to today and yesterday and we actually dated after I moved away but the long distance didn’t work for her so she broke it off and fuck it hurts because she is literally everything I’m looking for in a partner right now.

Dating apps don’t work for me. People are like “so you wanna meet up?” And im like no I don’t. People message me and get feelings for me and I’m like I’m not interested in you romantically. I don’t want to meet up. I just want to have the most shallow and casual of relationships where you know nothing about me really and I know nothing about you really but we just talk about how much work and life and relationships suck.

I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I’m trying so hard. It hurts. It hurts like hell. At least I have my coworkers even if half the time they hate me because I’m still clearly weird and neurodivergent and not someone they would ever be friends with outside of work. I have one coworker I actually really like and she is the closest thing I have to a friend but like I want to go to Knotfest because the closest show is literally on my birthday and I thought about inviting her for a second and then I’m like we’re all broke as fuck because we work at fucking bloodbath and beyond she’s not going to want to spend what little money she has going to see a show she has 0 internet in in another state.

The one friend I did have I made at the concert and that was because he was the kind of person who literally talked to everyone around him including me which I was awkward about because he was hot as fuck but I noticed his brother was a bit left out so I focused on his brother and made sure he had someone to talk to and then op I spent a few months fucking the dude until he went to AZ and started seeing someone else.

If it’s any consolation my mom is almost 55 and my brother is 35 and they’re both having the same issues we are.

#punk gets mail

[raisinchallah]

its just especially weird i think working customer service is making me feel like less of a human being i hate how like you know how are you doing is a normal stock greeting amongst people and tho it is never really intended in a serious manner most people if u are not close to them do not wish to actually know but like you can go thru a few different options for answers and no matter how fleeting a moment it may be its like a question asked out of idk some desire to know you or be nice but when u are asked that in customer service it is literally like a mockery of the entire concept you know like they do not want to know its a stock idea of how to be polite to make people feel like they treated u ok and u know even if it does lead to a conversation well the next person in line is there tapping their foot like why can i not receive service fast enough how dare you experience human connection when i need something like i cannot do any task even my own work tasks without someone feeling like i am personally neglecting them how dare i care about anything other than them its just idk insanely alienating and like i think not helped by how isolated i am the fact that i spend so much of my day with my only human contact being barely seen as a person you know talk to people day in and day out and never once feel like a person simply a machine that the act of human interaction has become a mechanized process its just so goddamn weird and like i barely even get to talk to my coworkers like someone that i share almost all my shifts with but works in the back i can go weeks with barely saying more than hi to because im just trapped at the register and my every move is observed by customers and we are so understaffed i have to do like literally everything i just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

[gayforbauladies]

Nothing To Everything

Ch. 1: The Beginning

word count: 1702

I have waited for this day my whole life, but right now sitting in the parking lot of the FBI headquarters in Quantico, I can't help but wonder if I should've gone about this a different way. I can't think about that right now; I just have to get through the initial shock then hopefully it'll go better. I get out of my car, fix my outfit and then head inside to the elevator and press the round "6" button. Once on the correct floor I keep my head down and go to Agent Hotchner's office.

"You must be Agent Ricci." Agent Hotchner greets me after I walk in with his head still in paperwork.

"Hi, yes please call me Isabella or Bella or Izzy." That's when Agent Hotchner finally looks up at me and does a double take.

"Oh, uhm yes ok. Sorry you just really look like one of our other agents, I almost thought he was in here with a wig on. Please call me Hotch." This isn't helping with my nerves. "If you follow me I'll start introducing you to the team starting with Agent Gideon.” Ok, now my heart is in my throat. I have to speak up before Hotch starts to lead me towards the door.

"Im guessing you saw my full name when you did my paperwork?" Agent Hotchner looks at me weirdly.

"No, I actually didn't, but it is in this file." He says while flipping open my file and his face does a little twitch that not everyone would notice when he sees my name.

"Isabella Gideon Ricci?" He chokes the middle name out connecting the dots.

"Yes, I'm Jason Gideon's daughter. He hasn't met me but I grew up knowing about him which inspired me to become a profiler. My mom has sent updates about me, including pictures, but I don't know if he ever opened them or even got them. So if you could just gauge the situation when we go into his office that would be amazing." I say all of that in one breath and feel like I'm going to pass out and it shows on my face. Hotch  just slowly nods and leads me out of the door. The bullpen is full of people, most of whom are looking at me sizing me up once the initial shock wears off of my resemblance to my father. We walk a few steps and end up outside the office right next to Hotch's. He knocks on the door and waits until a voice on the other side tells us to come in. Hotch hesitantly opens the door and walks in before me.

"Gideon, this is our new agent Isabella Ricci." Just as Hotch was when I entered, Gideon has his head buried in paperwork.

"Hi..." Gideon lifts his head and I can't tell if he recognizes me or is just shocked by the resemblance. "Did... Did you say Ricci?" He is talking to Hotch but is staring at me.

"Yes, I'm Isabella Ricci." I try and sound confident, but I feel like a mouse.

"Ricci... as in Izzy? Izzy Ricci?" Gideon seems to be putting it together. I just nod in confirmation. Gideon starts to slowly get up out from behind his desk. I don't know what to expect so I'm just standing there, rigid.

"Your mom mentioned in her latest letter you were starting a new job, but didn't tell me it was here... that you were going to be my coworker." The two of us are just staring at each other processing everything as Hotch slipped out closing the door behind him.

"So you do read the updates mom sends you." I don't know how to feel about that. On one hand, at least he cared enough to continue reading all the updates, but on the other, he knew we were only a three and half hour drive. I mean mom and I drove that to visit family every holiday she had off work.

He was quiet for a moment before answering. "I did read them, I saved them too. They were all I had of you, even if they didn't start until you were six years old. I thought of driving to meet you numerous times. I always stopped myself because I didn't want the people I hunted in this job to use you against me. I figured you were better off not being associated with me." I waited a second before grinning and saying, "with what mom tells me about you, that amount of emotion from you is all I'm going to get for the rest of my life." Gideon smiled and went to sit back behind his desk as I went to leave.

I walk back to Hotch's office processing what just happened. I'll have to message my mom her update on how it went when I get the chance. I am about to knock on Hotch's door when it suddenly opens. He is just as surprised to see me as I am as to see him.  "I was just going to come check on you...you should meet the other members." I can't tell for sure but I sense a little bit of concern in his tone. The big emotionless boss I've read about, concerned about a girl he met thirty minutes ago. I know the BAU is like a family, but I didn't think it was this fast. He ushered me into a third little office that was labeled "David Rossi" and introduced me,

"Rossi, this is our new agent, Agent Ricci." Rossi was an older dude, Italian, he looked comforting. Rossi turned his gaze to me. "Ahh another Italian, I like you already!" He smiled at me in a grandfatherly way and I knew he was going to be someone I would trust easier than the others.

"Please, call me Izzy." I replied with a smile as Hotch led me to the bullpen again. Once again, the rest of the team was staring at me.

"Can you introduce me to the rest of the team so they can stop gawking?" I purposefully said this on the louder side so the rest of the team could hear me. Hotch nodded and led me to the center of the bullpen where the others were gathers around one desk from talking about me. As I descend the stairs each and every other member of the BAU size me up. They all look from me to each other then back to me and all of a sudden I feel self conscious.

"This is our new Agent, Agent Ricci." Hotch does the formal introduction.

"Hi, please call me Izzy. And to clear up confusion from my looks, here's a summary. Gideon is my father, he didn't know I existed until I was six, you all just witnessed our first meeting, he didn't know I was joining the FBI so no he didn't help me get this job, I got this job because I put in the work and have a unique background." I tried to sound confident and badass, but they all just stared at me for too long. "Ok, I know I have some of Gideon's features but not enough to get gawked at like this, didn't you learn not to stare in kindergarten?"

They all seemed to snap out of their trance at the same time. The first person to speak up was a good looking male. "I'm SSA Derek Morgan and yes, we originally were staring because of the Gideon resemblance, but as soon as you stepped in the bullpen we noticed how good looking you are." I just stood there with my jaw on the floor. A blonde peppy looking female playfully smacked Morgan and then turned to me. "Don't mind Morgan, he is very forward with this topic. I'm Penelope Garcia FBI technical analyst." She had such a warmth about her that I instantly trusted her. Hotch took over and introduced the other agents as Jennifer Jareau, Dr. Spencer Reid, Dr. Tara Lewis, Luke Alvez and Emily Prentiss. Hotch pointed to a desk and said, "this will be your desk, go ahead and get setup. There is an email in your inbox with the paperwork you need to do to officially become a member of the BAU." Hotch turned to the rest of the team, "the rest of you get back to work too."

With that I sat down at my desk and took a second to catch my breath while the computer turned on. Social anxiety apparently doesn't care that those people are now my coworkers. My heart rate was increasing each second and that familiar pressure on my chest increased. The pressure kept increasing, more than usual, more than ever before. I got up abruptly and headed outside of the bullpen. The elevator happened to open when I got to the hallway so I entered and hit one, fresh air will help. I caught a glimpse of the bullpen when the elevator was shutting and saw my new coworkers looking at me confused. Once I was on the first floor I quickly went outside since everything had started feeling like it was collapsing in on me. One of the more annoying after effects of the trauma I've endured in my life. I focused on the potted flowers trying to calm down my body. Breathe in two three four, exhale two three four and repeat. I felt a little calmer and decided I would just push through the paperwork because then the day would be over. I went back up to the sixth floor and when I entered the bullpen I was once again feeling similar to what zoo animals feel like as I walked back to my desk and got to work. 

This paperwork is entirely tedious and all is included in either my application or in the paperwork I already had to do. It didn't help that I could sense people taking turns looking at me. I finished the paperwork and submitted everything right as Hotch exited his office. 

"Ricci have you finished the paperwork?" Hotch looked directly at me. 

"I just hit submit on the last thing, sir." He nodded at me before saying, "good, then join us at the round table," he looked around the room, "we have a case." 

#emilyprentiss #originalcharacter #fanfiction #criminalminds #criminalmindsfanfiction #aaronhotchner #jasongideon #davidrossi #jenniferjareau #penelopegarcia #taralewis #spencerreid #derekmorgan #chapterfic #multiplechapters #proflers #bau #quantico

[rainy-astrology]

thank u sm for replying to my ask about hongjoong, hope u are doing well!

do u think certain members are meant to be together? even tho a lot of ships on groups are obviously put on to draw in fans who might ship them do u think theres any genuine relationships between group members or do they see themselves as being coworkers? again i think woosan and seongjoong are quite interesting but idk if its real or not or if delulus just want it to be real.

do u also think kpop is deliberately aiming for younger generations with its constsnt flood of tiktok related junk that it puts out? altho i find myself being fond of a few members of every other group or maybe i like their songs idrc for the latest trendy tiktok things its just gimmick after gimmicks nd i think kpop is profitting so much off younger groups who are more willingly going to get hooked on such trends to promote their groups. theres barely groups my age to follow literally even gidle have been a let down, is that just the members self sabotaging? lately their songs quality seem to be going downhill to the point where if a group releases noise its not remotely interesting enough or i might listen a few times but i dont feel any sort of vibe from it. oh its another thing theyre doing for tiktok to get hooked on another dance yadayadayada do u have any similar thoughts on why so many songs are just badly done auto tuned as heck and generic lyrics that arent inspiring? kpop couldve had so much going for it just to be like ehhh heres more of the samey groups where all members look dress and sound similar.

idk no ones ever really asked me to date so im like ehh whatever to dating atm if i was supposed to be in relationship someone wouldve asked me by now but they havent so i will take that as a means of being single until the day i die or some shit. also maybe my looks or facial expressions just arent pretty or not expressive (i have that glare that the likes of lee know tends to have, might put someone off from approaching me) or im underskilled in a lot of aspects that some ppl may judge me for as being talentless or behind in life, hbu?

Ofc, no prob, I hope you are doing well yourself.

I think it's a mix of both. Some groups have genuine friendships with each other and some groups are simply coworkers. Both are fine. As long as they are mature about differences and treat each other with basic respect and decency (literally the bare minimum), then I don't see the issue at all. Being an idol is just a job after all. If they are able to form a genuine connection with a member or all of them, then that's great.

Do I think certain members are meant to be together? No. I don't think anyone is meant to be together tbh. The idea of fated partners and soulmates is cute, but I don't think exists. It works best in fiction. But I know some people's bonds and compatibilities are so strong that it can feel like they were fated and that's totally fine. It's sweet. Even my best friend and I joke about us being meant to be and being "married". And yes I do agree that some ships are definitely pushed more to the public to draw more attention. Some ships may be close, some ships may not be, and we'll never 100% know as we are not those people. If you want my own thoughts on WooSan and SeongJoong though, I do think they're actually close, just not in the way some delulus try to say lol. WooSan have a matching tattoo (it would be absolutely insane to have something permanent with a person you're not close to lmao) and SeongJoong have expressed deep care to each other several times. Even though astrology isn't everything, it's interesting how SeongJoong's synastry is so harmonious.

Yes most likely, I think kpop has often been targeted towards younger audiences. Especially now with so many young people debuting. The industry is saturated and very competitive, so maybe that's why a lot of songs lately are a bit generic and uninspiring. Its heavy use of TikTok I'm sure is just a way to promote and gain attention since it's one of the biggest social media platforms rn. I can't speak much for gidle as I don't follow them...I don't think it's self sabotage though, it just sounds like you are not vibing with their music anymore. Sounds like you are losing interest with kpop in general and that's ok.

Why do you want to wait for someone to ask you out? Why don't you pursue someone? Maybe it's you who has to make the move - don't wait for it. But only if you care that much lol. I don't think you have be very pretty and expressive to get a date, but looks can def play a part in attracting someone. You don't have to be the prettiest or the best in general really to get someone though.

I'm aro ace with no interest in pursuing romance, so it isn't a concern of mine at all. I also have the same deal of having an angry face unintentionally at times + also quite expressionless and I don't consider my looks to be traditionally pretty (not calling myself ugly, i do think i'm pretty, just not by society's standards), yet I've still had people crush on me somehow 😅 if it's possible for me then it's possible for you lmao.

#ask #anon #i saw this a minute or a 2 after waking up from a nap and it woke me tf up 🤣 #and by traditionally pretty i mean feminine and cute bc im afab #i dont think my looks are feminine enough. which is fine bc i've always liked androgyny and aspire to be androgynous as possible

[ylimemariee]

Read this and take a moment to realize what’s wrong… church vs. outside of church. My comment is in there. This is a good conversation that needs to happen. A lot of lonely people out there like me that struggle to connect due to society. Everyone’s all coupled up and me being a person that just wants to make friends and connect with other people. It’s fellow believers I’ve grown to not be as comfortable around it’s because I basically went to where I was gonna be taken seriously and valued. In 2018 I was done with my fake friendships so I went to work.

Someone who felt abandoned from the church community throughout my whole life I’ve always had church on my own. I connect with the people who wanna connect with me. I used to always wanna do group nights. I’ve always wanting to get people together so we can connect like how we were called to. A lot of the advice I take is from the Bible. Im different then the norm I guess. It is true to be that most churches only focus on married couples and 2.3 aged kids. My gen is almost 30 and im one of many who are still single. Always feeling left out I just let go of alot of that and I owed it to my current church to forgive them. I actually got a sorry in a sermon to my group of people. I watched the place I was growing in, bring in people I had no clue about. At the time they didn’t even seem passionate about what they were about to take on and that was students. I stepped away while hearing about them becoming youth pastor and perfect church young hipster couple. It’s so hard for the singles out there today. We’re literally thrown out like trash to be recycled. Gonna be a hard read for some. But I believe that Gods put me on this earth for the hard conversations. What impresses me today is just as simple as someone replying to a TEXT. My pet peeve is texting ghosts. Especially if it’s a meaningful emotional text. Im convinced people especially most of my own generation, has no balls. The factory were I spent 3 years away from everything working around the men I did and especially military men, Marine to be exact... They taught me how to have balls no matter the cost. With the trauma I faced too, I had someone try to legit end me. Like almost got hit on purpose by their car that they were driving…on purpose to threaten me. Car was inches by my feet going at full speed; if she hit me I wouldn’t be alive today or be able to walk. It was a sports edition brand new grey dodge hellcat. Real shit man…My OG tattoo artist friend who ran from God and then came back was the first that taught me that. I know that every thing God has planned for me has had its reasoning. And it’s just molding me more into who He’s made me to be. Take everything you read and then when your out in the world breathe it out. If we actually talk to one another maybe this wouldn’t be an issue.

Just like Jesus calls us all to do, all I want is to be accepted for who I am as I am. In the mess. If you see me with your eyes and wanna say something, fuck the clichés do something about it. I been screaming at my FedEx coworkers at the very exact same thing. If ya wanna talk to someone do it, don’t waste anyone’s time. Nobody likes a tease right? If nobody likes a tease in our friendships let’s not be teases. And my current church is amazing for keeping their originality and in their journey with God and growing as a church. I love how human my Pastor is. Always admired him for it. He’ll always have my respect for it too. When I was in Haiti with him my highlight was him making the cheesy donkey ass jokes. It’s why I came back. In the world today, you especially want to always be sure your getting truth in the right place and I feel like I am.

My grammar may be shit on this post, but if someone gets it and runs with it. I did my part.

And I have friends they just live far away from me. I moved to a new area cause I wanted to, I love new experiences. I wanna see and meet the world Gods made and admire His artwork in me and around me.

Oorah

#blog #follow #thinking differently #Jesus #community #lonely Planet #20s #30s #singles #couples #seriously though #do something #or nothing

[roguestarsailor]

I’m sad! I’m doing exactly what I wanted! I’ve wanted to travel for work, to see how things are done and built and staying at a nice hotel and eating realllllyyy welll. I should be HAPPY! I’m not! I literally feel empty. The guy i like occupies my brain in a BAD WAY especially when I see him interacting with my insta and then separately the friends I thought I made in the city are going to do the things I said I wanted to do without me because it fit their schedule better?? I’m actually really hurt about that.

—

Ok the friend group thing is actually grating on me the most actually. The guy messaged me yesterday and said …soooo is it ok if we just do the bakery tour without you? And I was like ??? I just typed back “just go dude” which he liked and messages the group chat to tell them to go the bakery tour. Mind you, the bakery tour is just US saying we will go to these bakeries to EAT for FUN, it will always be there; no time restriction. My fault for not communicating how irked I was but I’m pissed. Who the fuck does that? I told them I wanted to do this too and the purpose of this is so we can ALL hang out. Out of the entire fucken city, this was the only thing you could do?? I would NEVER exclude someone especially if they explicitly said they wanted to come. (And my schedule isn’t a secret; we all talked about when we’re free and see the overlap). This isn’t that fucken serious but it’s so hurtful!!

And it’s like now I’m sad about it. Im sad that I thought I had found a solid group of friends! In this big city, I thought I found people like me! But no, I don’t like this. He asked about it another time a month or so back. He said that it’s only just one person who can’t do this thing right? So we can all just go without that one person? And I fucken told him. I think we should ALL hang out together because we all collectively wanted to do it.

Maybe I’m feeling extra upset because I don’t have any other friends. I don’t have a partner or anyone else. I just go hang out w my coworkers and work and then go home. We aren’t as tight like that and they don’t seem to want to be. I miss my friends from home and I miss my family and I miss familiarity. It feels like I can only make loose connections and I hate having to introduce myself every fucken time. I hate being alone so much and having to reign in all my thoughts and personality. I want to talk to someone who knows! Just so I don’t have to spend time retelling or repeating stories and details over and over again and not have to live these separate lives.

Yeah I think I made a mistake moving out. It’s so fucken lonely and I can’t seem to find my footing and I can’t seem to figure out how to feel not sad and alone. Isolating myself is not the answer and I swear I’m trying to go out and do things but I feel like miserable company to have around. I keep trying to bring myself out of my head and into the present and it works for a few seconds but the loud mean voices and anxiety overthinking and analyzing comes back in full force.

#amandathoughts #sad thoughts