#i just needed to vent somewhere

[seals-are-cool]

I love my mom so much but sometimes I'm so disappointed in her. She's been complaining about my body hair for months now and by body hair I mean the 4mm in my armpits and my legs. I shave from time to time but it isn't enough for her I guess. The moment there is a hint of a hair growing she tells me I stink, that I'm not hygienic, that I should take care of my appearance and of course that *I am a girl*. I sigh, I shave just to shut her up, and continue with my life. If I was offered the option I wouldn't shave at all, but I hate dealing with stupid comments and judgements from my coworkers and random people who must absolutely have their opinion about my body heard. So I do it.

Today is my birthday and I get laser shaving sessions from my mom as a gift. And I cried in front of her. Out of frustration, out of anger, out of impotence. Because it's always the same. I'm grateful that she thought of me, that I received a gift at all, that I am loved...but this was just too much. She told me it was practical and I agree. But year after year my brothers get stuff that appeals to them (videogames, sports T-shirts or cool stuff they see). I get to shave. I get jewelry when I've hated the feeling of it since I was a child and she knows it. I get make up I never asked for. I get told word by word that she would have liked a normal daughter. I would have been much much happier without a reminder that she is still trying to "fix" everything she hates about me.

#sorry for the long post #i just needed to vent somewhere #its been a long day #i just need to sleep

[piovascosimo]

my sister is always consulting with psychics of all sorts (tarot, reiki, etc), and it's funny how they never have a message for her, but always for me, and i don't know what to do with it. i didn't ask for it, i don't think she is using them to tell me things that she wants to say, because that is not really her character, but maybe she is projecting? i dunno, it's just an extra emotional load that i don't want. and it's always very specific things, that strangers wouldn't know, but maybe she told them somehow? it's impossible for me to know and that's so frustrating and annoying.

#i just don't need this right now #the thought that our dad #and my grandma are worrying about me in the afterlife #i'm fine #i need space and time #that is all #personal #tbd #i just needed to vent somewhere #i also think we all should remember that is fine to be sad #and grieve #and be messy #and not always striving to be a better perfect person #it's okay to have your lows

[verymessybrain]

Currentely stucked in freeze mode. I need to study really complicated stuff that makes me feel stupid because I don't understand it, I haven't read an email in two days, I'm avoiding texting back a friend that I will see this evening because making even a simple decision, like meeting for dinner or after, feels like a burden.

I know that none of this is a tragedy. I know that if I sit down and sort my priorities everything will be alrigth. But why does it have to be like this all the time? Why do I have to postpone everithing to the last moment? Why do I have to avoid everything until the anxiety is too much to bare and pushes me to do the thing? It's honestely exausting...

#also i've discovered that on spotify you can't read songs lyrics anymore unless you have spotify premium and that felt line the final straw #but at this point i'm just nitpicking #i just needed to vent somewhere

[uldrenssov]

i just learned about the stompees nerf. goodbye.

#personal #yes im genuinely pissed off #but at the same time. man. the past couple of months with destiny ive been Constantly pissed off #so at this point im just #im fucking tired #i dont even have energy to be properly angry #its been so hard wanting badly to keep playing the game #and at the same time it feels like with every change they are driving me away from it #im already not getting the next season pass #because 1) money 2) im fed up anyway. with everything. im done. #they finally did it! im not sure if the stompees nerf was the last straw for me or something else #maybe a combination of multiple things #idk #anyway #i just needed to vent somewhere

[oh-katsuki]

yk when someone dies and you just have to... sit with it.. and you're like... how do i tell people something is wrong. how do i tell people who never met them or knew them or spoke to them that something happened. and it feels selfish somehow to even talk about it out loud but at the same time for some reason you feel like you have to. like somehow you're telling a lie or being disrespectful or being self-indulgent. when the reality is that you just don't want to be alone in grief. but they didn't know them and even after saying something, you're alone anyway.

#i don't even know what to do with myself #for some reason #talking abt it here feels less intrusive than calling a friend and talking about it #but it still feels selfish for some reason #even though i know i just need to find a way to process #and i can't help but be like.. well i won't tell anyone because what if it's a mistake? #what if she's fine? and at home somewhere or in her kitchen singing? #or practicing for her next show #idk grief is weird #and i hate that i'll have to go to another friend's funeral. #tw: grief #tw: death #vent #personal

[ghoulinfuschia]

Some brain vomit

#honeybee rambles #I had a lot of nervous energy in my system and I needed to throw it somewhere #This isnt a vent piece btw this is just brain donk #We gucci #honeybee doodles #CW: Eyestrain

[no-truce-with-the-heroes]

i can't believe there's still people out there who genuinely think Ochako would "kill Toga on sight" at this point

like, okay, there's the anime-only people who aren't aware of manga developments or are actively avoiding spoilers, and of course there's all the people who clearly stopped giving a shit ages ago (yet somehow still feel completely secure making blanket declarations about a franchise they no longer keep up with???)

but even then, and even if you're not a shipper or just don't like the characters-- how can anyone have ever believed that makes any sense ever? like we're not even talking self-defense apparently? just "on sight"? who do you think Ochako is, the Punisher in pink?

like i don't think i'm especially media literate myself, but-- how is it possible for people to be this bad at reading where a narrative is going?

because of course that's exactly what the Togachako plotline was leading up to, clearly the ultimate endpoint of developing Toga Himiko as a sympathetic villain important to Ochako's heroic actualization was a teenager unquestioningly enacting the extrajudicial murder of another teenager

that's exactly what MHA is all about, right? that's the sort of person Ochako is, the kind of hero that she wants to be? that's definitely good storytelling and not at all inane or grotesque? ugh

#don't want to cause/deal with any drama and it'd be doubly not worth it on a post that wasn't even about togachako #i just need to vent somewhere or i'll stew on it for ages #an offhanded comment in tags is so not worth this amount of anger and yet ohhhh i am mad #honestly this is probably less about that post and more about all the similar shit i saw on That Hellsite when the 391+ spoilers dropped #bakugou stans i have so much respect for you all i would be dead within a day if i had to deal with this BS as often as you do #mha spoilers #bnha spoilers #not really any actual spoilers but ig the vague allusions are still worth tagging for the previously-mentioned anime people #rest of the post sounded like shit opinions too but i didn't really get the whole context and not interested in looking further #this shit has already lived in my head rent-free long enough #no but seriously as a togachako OTP shipper there are in fact a lot of rational reasons for why the ship shouldn't work #canon is currently laughing maniacally in the face of your rationality but at least those reasons do make sense #why would you choose this goddamn Ochako slander as your reasoning instead

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[radiance1]

Just saw a snippet of that Gotham War thing going around. I do not like it, and I have feelings, I should be asleep right now but I have feelings and I find myself not even trying to care about characterization or writing quality right now.

So it'll most likely be pretty fucking SHITTY.

===

"Jason!" Batman ran to Jason's side, crouching down as he immediately began to assess the wounds. "You'll be okay, just hold on for a bit longer."

"You're a shit father, you know that, Bruce?" Jason chuckled, a wet thing that spilled just a little more blood from his lips as he grabbed onto one of his father's arms. "Don't."

"Jason-"

"Nah, this is the end for me, Bruce." Jason grunted, pain flashing through his body as he shifted himself. "And for god's sake, take off that damn mask. Nobody's 'round to see your ugly mug." He half shrugged. "Besides me of course."

Batman barely even thought more of it as his hands moved upwards to push away his mask, leaving his face bare to the world. His face was pinched, as if he couldn't decide what expression to make as soon as the mask came off. "Jason-"

"Save it. You can't change my mind about this, Bruce." Jason tightened his hand around Bruce's arm, enough for that entire hand to go numb, either that or the blood loss. He couldn't tell. "Don't try and bring me back either, Bruce. Don't let anyone else try to bring me back either."

"It doesn't have to be this way. You have so much to live for-"

Jason hissed. "Don't give me that generic ass speech, Bruce. Tired of it." Jason shook his head, reaching a hand up to try and remove his helmet, he failed. So Bruce reached up to do it for him. "Thanks, I guess."

Jason breathed in a deep breath, his lungs burning in protest yet seemingly wanting more as he coughed. Specks of blood flying from his mouth as his body screamed in protest from sudden jostling.

"Jason-"

"Hey Bruce." Bruce shut his mouth. "I'm scared, you know, of what's going to be waiting for me on the other side. Pretty shit, not gonna lie, though dying once would've made it easier but-" Jason let out a pained wheeze in place of a laugh. "But I guess not."

"You don't have to die, Jason."

"I know." Jason tilted his head towards Bruce, his vision foggy and spotty. "I know I don't have to, but I want to. Alright, but I'm still scared, scared of death. Pretty fucking cowardly huh?"

"Everyone's scared of something, Jason." Bruce reached a hand forward, moving Jason's head into a more comfortable position that wouldn't strain his neck further than it already was. He made to move his hand away, but paused as he felt his son sink into his touch, however slightly.

His hand stayed as one of Jason's eyes lowered.

"You would know a lot about that, wouldn't you" Jason let out another pained wheeze as it got harder and harder to breath. "You make people piss their beds just from hearing your name, of course you would."

"Jason." He watched as his son's breathes got shallow, a longer and longer pause between every intake of break.

"I'm sorry, Bruce."

"What for, Jason?"

"For not being a better son." Jason coughed harshly, his chest convulsing with each and every one.

Bruce was silent for moment, before he sighed. "You're a fool, Jason." He moved forwards, pulling Jason towards his chest as he rested his chin on his son's head. "Because you were the one of the best goddamn sons I could've ever asked for, and if it were up to me." Bruce tightened his hold as he felt the body in his hold go slack. "I would've chosen you again and again."

Bruce could feel tears falling from his eyes as he held Jason close, finally managing to choke out the words he so desperately wanted to say, even as they now would fall only on deaf ears.

"I love you, Jason."

===

@stealingyourbones YOU. Get the FUCK over here, I've decided to make this your problem.

#bruce wayne #jason todd #my writing #I don't know man I just caught fucking FEELINGS and this SHITTY THING HAPPENED #I need to vent these SOMEWHERE or they would plague my ass for a fuck ton of a while #That being said it's 3:22 AM so I shall now head to sleep.

[kingoftheu]

the correct way to deal with the escaped dinos in the Jurassic World Series is to kill them. Kill them all. Invasive species, absolutely going to ruin every ecosystem they enter. no we do not have to live in harmony with them, they are unnatural beasts in fact anyone with any enviromentalist backbone would say you need to kill them to keep nature safe. i do not hold this against chaos theory because "rawr dinosaurs" is a fun show I love it, but if I lived in universe you have to understand I would be calling for their eradication and calling Darius and Ben stupid fucking idiots on national television.

#Jurassic park #Jurassic world #jurassic series #jurassic world chaos theory #jurassic world camp cretaceous #jurassic world: dominion #jurassic world evolution 2 #seriously you are going to collapse the entire country if you just let countless invasive species roam #i'm not worried about them killing us i'm worried they get into the national parks and push out a keystone species #i promise i am normal #i enjoy these shows #i love these characters #but i need to vent somewhere #if a bunch of robots came in and tore up the enviroment we'd be like “so sad what we have done to nature” #but the minute the human made monstrosties are dinos (and not even real ones) letting them ruin everything is livinf in peace with nature

[frc-ambaradan]

A few thoughts on Thrawn’s portrayal in Ahsoka

First thing first: I think they absolutely nailed him.

Lars Mikkelsen is perfect and I don’t think there could ever been another actor fit to bring Thrawn alive. We’re talking about the same man who got an Annie Nomitation for his voice performance in Rebels. He knows the character, he knows how Thrawn speaks, the way he moves, he knows how to use silence... and he absolutely kills it!

And, let’s forget about the new canon for a moment, shall we? 

This Thrawn looks like he just jumped out of “Heir to the Empire”. 

Looks like Filoni’s going for the more Moriarty-like, more evil Legends Thrawn. And, as much as I love the new books, that’s the Thrawn we first met and loved, the character who became the standard bearer of the Expanded Universe, one of the greatest villains of the franchise second only to Darth Vader and one of the best characters in Sci-fi fiction. That’s a guy who’s politely conferring with you a moment before and the second later he’s having a tractor beam technician be dismembered by his bodyguard.

Pellaeon never even saw Rukh move. Pieterson certainly never had time to scream. From farther down the crew pit came the sound of someone trying valiantly not to be sick. Thrawn glanced over Pellaeon's shoulder gain and gestured, and the silence was further broken by the sound of a pair of stormtroopers coming forward. "Dispose of it," the Grand Admiral ordered them, turning away from Pieterson's crumpled body and pinning Colclazure with a stare. "The error, Ensign," he told the other softly, "has now been corrected. You may begin training a replacement." Timothy Zahn, Heir to the Empire (1991)

The infinite pauses Mikkelsen makes, with Thrawn just staring at his interlocutor in silence, are so unnerving and so perfectly in character. Pick any page of the Thrawn trilogy where the Grand Admiral’s talking to Pellaeon and you’ll find the same feeling of fear and malaise. 

And guys, Thrawn was never meant to be likeable. He’s not a puppy, he’s a wolf. He’s someone to be admired for his tactical genius, to be respected for his abilities; you can understand his reasons and his way of thinking but still he’s someone to be wary of and to be feared. You can talk with Thrawn. He will listen and will understand your point, but once you find yourself between him and his goal, you’re dead.

Not surprisingly, Grand Admiral Thrawn was inspired by General Rommel. And they indeed are very similar (I might say they’re basically clones ^^): both military geniuses coming from the lower ranks of society and raising to the highest ranks of the army by sheer talent and yet pretty much naive when it comes to politics and highly opposed by other high ranking officers driven mostly by pure envy (hell! Rommel was taken in higher regard by the British than by his fellow German high ranking officers! In fact, Rommel kept his rank only because Hitler liked him, just like Thrawn did because Palpatine liked him).

Erwin Rommel and Mitth'raw'nuruodo are basically the same person in two different universes...

Both Thrawn and Rommel are well mannered, honourable and very professional officers, considerate to their troops and respectful of their adversaries and as such highly esteemed by both their men and their enemies. That doesn’t change the fact that they both have their fair amount of atrocities on their shoulders, they work for the most evil governments of their age and both have pretty close personal relationships with the Emperor and with Adolf Hitler. And still. You can fight on the wrong side of history and still be an honorable man.

That said, I’ve read complains about Thrawn's physique and yes, I didn’t like his belly either when he first showed up but that was just for a fraction of a second ‘cause the moment he opened his mouth I was totally sold.

Why? Because physical prowess isn’t Thrawn’s main characteristic. Yes, he’s a very well trained warrior and a martial arts expert, but the reason why he’s such a great character is his charisma, it’s his brain and, if I'm right, the Thrawn we have in Ahsoka is the evil cat- ops, I mean ysalamiri-petting Thrawn ^^.

And guys, people do age, even chiss. Thrawn’s 70 years old, he has every right to get old and look old. And that belly looks like a very deliberate choice to me.

Ten years separate Rebels Thrawn from Ahsoka Thrawn, ten years and an inter-galactical hyperspace jump. People change. And get old.

Also, you must consider the fact that Thrawn was wrapped in the purrgill's tantacles when they jumped into hyperspace, so it's safe to assume that he substained heavy injuries and that his body was heavily affected by it. We also don't know how well he fared while stranded for ten years in an unknown galaxy, meddling with stuff he should stay kilometers away from (let's face it: it never ends well when he starts meddling with the Force or anything he has no real grip or power on).

I don't know, but I don't think chiss are made to fly in hyperspace.

So, on a closing note... is Thrawn's make-up perfect? No.

Is that such a big problem? No. What the make-up doesn’t achieve, the actor’s performance will.

And hear me out, there is room for improvement and I’m sure they will fill the gap. They did with Ahsoka… remember how everyone criticized her lekku in The Mandalorian? That was because of an actual, practical reason, but they did manage to correct it and they did improve it. Ahsoka looks great now. And just how they did with her, they will improve Thrawn’s appearance as well.

It’s impossible to nail something at first try. And it's impossible to appease everyone.

I work as a digital artist and I can tell you that sometimes you just can’t do the best you can, because maybe the budget doesn’t allow it or there’s just too little time to do it (or people just keep asking change after change 😒), but once you’ve got the basis, and I think they’ve got pretty solid basis with Thrawn, to improve the look of him adding details and correcting those little errors is gonna be a much easier job and you’ll, see, he’s gonna look much better in the next season.

Sometimes things don’t need to be perfect to work. And Mikkelsen’s Thrawn works, because it’s Mikkelsen and because it’s Thrawn.

#omg #forgive the screed #i just need to talk #i need to vent my excitement somewhere #sorry ^^' #thrawn #mitth'raw'nuruodo #grand admiral thrawn #lars mikkelsen #my thoughts #heir to the empire #star wars legends #erwin rommel #star wars rebels #lars mikkelsen is an absolute monster #and his thrawn is perfect <3 #ahsoka #star wars

[thefanciestborrower]

Man,,,I’m so tired

#there’s always something going on somewhere in this community that I need to care about #Some problematic person or friend groups who hate each other #Characters you’re allowed or not allowed to draw #You have to like vore one of two hyper specific ways and if you go outside of that then YOU’RE the problematic one #Each part of the community keeps splitting off smaller and smaller and they all hate each other it feels like #Main fandoms hate you for existing and OCs get headcannoned beyond recognition #Idk how to tag this I’m just having a moment #I don’t even want to be in the ‘vore community’ I just want to post stuff #And not fear for my life if I post something slightly out of the norm #Like I like fatal and reformation and I like slightly spicier stuff between couples and I like familial and teens being goofy and #It just feels impossible to exist like that idk #Might delete later tbh #I’m just tired of all the rules and the feuds and the fighting #vent post

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

#before i maybe get yelled at: #1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even #though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism #2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them #3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have #encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in #nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally #about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person. #4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces #and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too. #5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided #tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla #6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things. #7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl #i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know? #8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this #nyarla dni #<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks

[mackthecheese]

Having kind of a shit day for very little reason. Reblog with photos of your pets to assist with a speedy recovery.

#I wish I could just get a good cry out #stupid eyes not producing enough liquid #I was planning on going to the beach with the rest of my theatre troupe today but I couldn’t get a ride because my mom is sick #and the people carpooling didn’t have enough seats #so I laid in bed all day upset and wishing I could just cry #because despite being there for 3 years I’m still on the outs of a lot of going-ons #vent posting #I promise this won’t be frequent #I just need somewhere to get this off my chest #a cat always helps right? #yeah. cat pics solve everything. #that sounded weird… actual cats guys #like the ones that knock stuff off of shelves and scream until you give them food

[wavebiders]

LRT that is such a thing with queer fandom spaces tho. It's like that post that's all "yeah your story is so gay but how are you treating your female characters" you know?

like yeah it's great that this is the queer fandom website but a good chunk of the time that just means placing a lot of focus on the white guys and that's still not great lmao

#this isnt anything I just need to spit my thoughts out somewhere #but it's been kinda bugging me ever since folks got all bug eyed about the bg3 romance stats #all the brushing Shadowheart's popularity off as straight guys that dont actually care about character depth #first of all saphic women and bi/pan exist believe it or not queer does not always = attraction to men #and believe it or not many straight men do have actual thoughts in their heads besides 'oooh im a tough guy banging a hot girl' #like do you guys actually go outside and talk to people or is your only experience with straight guy gamers angry youtube comments? #even just sticking to the internet you can find folks on reddit having discussions about her whole deal with Shar/Selune as early as ea #people have always been interested in her story #it just feels weird to brush off a female character's popularity as just being shallow #while considering the vocal online love for male characters to be inherently more deep #again this isnt anything it's not a call out sometime a bitch just needs to be petty and vent yeah?

[kbius6]

TEN year anniversary for the Tokyo Ghoul anime has me dead. TEN YEARS?!?! REALLY?!?!?! IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS?!?!?!

This was the first manga I ever read start to finish(and reading it made me kind of hate the anime lol(I don't hate it, but it deserved better). The fact that it's turning 10 just absolutely boggles my mind. I was going through so much at that time, grandpa dying from cancer, being in the closet and terrified to even admit it to myself(pan & proud 🩷💛💙) my depression coming back in FULL swing and then some, and on top of it finally being a teenager(14 in September 2014). It's always gonna have a special place in my heart. It helped me get through so much, and honestly it's probably what really kicked off my love Japanese metal/rock music(I know Unravel is just a meme at this point but TK's music fucking slaps)

#tokyo ghoul #venting I guess lol #I just needed jot all of this down somewhere 🤷‍♀️ #if anyone actually bothers reading this thank you for reading my “ranting” lol