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sinsandsuccubus · 1 year

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Last Night - Jack Harlow

Context: "I don't wanna feel, how I did Last Night."

Genre: angst, mentions of sexual activity

Word Count: 1.3k

Pairings: Jack Harlow X Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+, sexual activity

A/N: I was waiting for this song to come out since I saw it advertised on Instagram, and man... this is a BOP. Please listen to Escapism by Raye to understand the concept. Enjoy!

Masterlist ☽☾

☽ ☾

Sleazin' and teasin', I'm sittin' on him

All of my diamonds are drippin' on him

I met him at the bar, it was twelve or somethin'

I ordered two more wines, 'cause tonight I want him

Midnight and the club were packed. You knew it would be packed since it was a Friday night and when the day jobs had ended, in weekend came in. But still.

Damn.

You did not expect to be fighting for a seat at the bar.

The black dress you wore complimented your figure beautifully, heels to match, hair done to perfection. You felt like a boss-ass bitch. Especially after Last Night.

"You sleazy, grimy bitch, I earned this seat fair and square!"

"Love, this seat does not have your name on it, therefore, anyone can sit on it."

"Okay, and? I was sitting here first. First dibs bitch."

"Oh, so now we're childish? Okay, well, I'm not gonna stand here and fight with a blowfish-faced ass bitch over a fucking seat. I-"

"You can sit with me." A man spoke, your eyes wandering as our head turned to the side.

"Sit with you? Where?"

"On my lap, of course, best seat in the house."

"I don't know about all of that..." You spoke, eyeing the man up and down. He seemed harmless, but it didn't feel right sitting on another man's lap, especially since-

You paused.

Fuck it.

You kindly sat on his lap, slightly grinding up against him as you got comfortable.

"Be careful Miss. Lady, my little friend might make an appearance." He spoke gruffly in your ear, slightly licking at your neck.

It felt so wrong, yet so good.

"Well, maybe I want him to make an appearance." You spoke, looking back at the man with a smirk, his eyes blown out in lust.

"2 more glasses of wine, please!" You yelled out to the bartender, him nodding his head in response.

This was gonna be a night.

A little context if you care to listen

I find myself in this shit position

The man that I love sat me down last night

And he told me that it was over, dumb decision

When Jack initially sat your down, you thought it was him announcing another tour date or something.

Man were you wrong.

"It's over Y/N."

"What do you mean it's over? Did I do something wrong?"

"I just... I don't love you anymore. I'm sorry."

"Is it somebody else... are you..." His eyes dropped at your accusation, your body growing tense with anger.

"You cheated on me, Jackman?"

"Look, I said I was sorry, I-"

"You're fuckin sorry? YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY? After all of this, after what? Four years of us being together, all of a sudden you don't love me anymore. Bull-fucking-shit."

"Look, Y/N, I don't know what to tell you."

"You don't have to tell me anything. Pack your shit and get out. I don't care that your name is on the lease, I don't care bout any of that shit, just get the FUCK OUT!" You motioned with your hand, grabbing your keys and your jacket shakily.

"I can't even... I- I don't want to see you when I come back, I don't want to smell you, I don't want anything to do with you. Delete my number, my social media, everything Jack because I am done."

And with that you slammed the door, taking a drive to distract your mind.

That was it.

Just a heart broke bitch

High heels six inch

In the back of the nightclub, sipping champagne

I don't trust any of these bitches I'm with

In the back of the taxi sniffing cocaine

The ride to the club you were headed to was a bumpy one. Your friends had decided to drag you out to the nearest club for a few drinks, a few weeks after Jack had broken it off with you.

After he had broken your heart.

Night after night, club after club, this lifestyle was beginning to affect your lifestyle, your work. So many photos of you had appeared on the internet, looking like you'd fallen into a sewer, and probably smelling like it too.

Your label had requested you take a break, just for the sake of your image. They didn't want the amazing singer, Y/N caught out on her ass.

But nevertheless, your "friends" still dragged you out for "one last rodeo." That's what they called it.

And at the end of the night, you called them fake, finding out through the grapevine that they had known what Jack was doing, and had kept it from you behind your back.

You didn't trust them anymore. And who would blame them?

Those drugs had really gotten to their head, just like the dye job they had all gotten without you.

Traitors.

Drunk calls, drunk texts, drunk tears, drunk sex,

I was looking for a man who's on the same page

Now it's back to the intro, back to the bar

To the Bentley, to the hotel, to my old ways

"Oh my god, fuck. Please, please please please fuck me. I want you inside me, I want you to- fuck!" The man slid inside of you, taking slow and strong strokes to get you adjusted to his size.

More like addicted.

You wrapped your legs around his waist, interlocking your feet at the apple of his ass cheeks and pulling him closer and further into you, a moan falling from both of your lips.

"Fuck baby.."

"Fuck Jack." You felt him stiffen, and that's when you realized what you had done.

"Did you just call me Jack?"

"No, I didn't. I um-"

"I must have been hearing shit, pussy put a spell on me huh?" He thrust back into you again, your nails digging into the flesh of his back.

You felt so guilty, yet so good.

And every time you had sex, each time with different men, you felt good. It felt terrific, justifying, revengeful.

But it still wasn't Jack.

And it wasn't until you actually got caught drunk-moaning his name, that you became ashamed of yourself.

Ashamed of the many drunk texts you had sent. The drunk tears. You were over feeling sorry for yourself. So you began anew.

A reboot.

I don't wanna feel

I don't wanna feel like how I did last night

To say you had a big change was an understatement. You had cut everyone off, only keeping close friends with those who supported you, who were there through your rough patch, who helped pick up the pieces of your heart that Jack had shattered, and that you had ground up into dust with your damaging habits.

You had started working on an album, an album that represented who you were and how you felt. It took you years.

Three to be exact.

But you were back and better than ever.

And your friends could tell, your family could tell, your fans could tell. And that's all that mattered to you.

Liked by champagnepapi, dojacat, theestallion, urbanwyatt, theshaderoom, and 1,840,996 others

thatgirly/n: "Love many; trust few. Learn to paddle your own canoe"

dojacat: the queen is back bitches

thatgirly/n: You already know it bestie! Back and better than ever @ dojacat

champagnepapi: lookin good mamas

thatgirly/n: feeling good papi 🥳 @ champagnepapi

urbanwyatt: Welcome back Y/N. Missed you.

thatgirly/n: missed you too @ urbanwyatt. We gotta catch up

allabouty/n: So happy to have you back! Your fans have missed you

jacksleftnipple: Wonder what Jack will think? 🤨

Liked by mrharlowsmistress others

theshaderoom: Breaking News! Jack Harlow spotted with new girl at a party, a selfie now floating around the internet. All this after @ thatgirly/n 's return to the industry. Questionable?

softcurse: nobody asked. literally nobody.

allabouty/n: Y/N is living her best life, WITHOUT Jack. MOVE ON.

mortirolo: Why can't y'all leave y/n out of this? She's doing fine on her own, now you're just dragging her back through her past.

heavyhitterheaux: Y'all had better leave my good sis alone.

jackharlowsource: Nobody cares about Y/N. All we care about is Jack. She lost him, oh well. She doesn't belong here.

yournamesource: @ jackharlowsource, What is this, the old days? "sHe DoEsN't BeLoNg hErE" the fuck is that supposed to mean? And she lost him? More like he lost her when he cheated. Bffr.

cupcakkeafreakk: can't we all just get along man??

thatgirly/n: @ cupcakkeafreakk, feature me on the diss

cupcakkeafreakk: bet, I'm down.

Liked by jackharlow, softcurse heavyhitterheaux, urbanwyatt, mortirolo, and 2,557,138 others

thatgirly/n: Still Over It out right now!

softcurse: Now thats my bitch!

thatgirly/n: @ softcurse, you already knowwwww

heavyhitterheaux: lovin the album so far lovely

thatgirly/n: thank you pookie 😘

jackharlow: all love 💙

mortirolo: @ jackharlow If you don't get yo Mr. Tumnus head ass out of here

thatgirly/n: @ mortirolo pleaseeee 😂😂😂

Liked by jackharlow, theshaderoom, anitta and 648,571 others

thenewgirl: lovin on him

Comments are off

Liked by jackharlow, annita, thenewgirl, urbanwyatt, and 2,101,113 others

thatgirly/n: prayin on my downfall don't make you religious

Comments are off

Tags ♡︎:

@heavyhitterheauxx

@gassyandsassy1

@velvetstreets

@harlowsbby

@harlowcomehome

@raelorns21

@harlowthot

@lcandothisallday

@pianoisland

@mortirolo

@softtcurse

@inluvwithladybug

#jack harlow #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow smut #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x y/n #jack harlow x you #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fanfiction #jack harlow blurb

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stsganemoia · 2 years

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teru stared at the pictures reigen was showing him. they couldn't have been more than two years old, but he didn't remember them. didn't remember looking like that, didn't remember making those faces. he was... humiliated, to say the very least.

"oh my god, delete them immediately," he begged, reaching for the phone to take matters into his own hands. reigen was faster, unfortunately, swinging his hand away quickly.

"yeah, i don't think so. i will cherish these forever. even if you delete them from my phone," he gave a pointed look that felt as if he had read teru's mind "i've already saved them into a secondary location. maybe even a tertiary one, you'll never know. these are never leaving my grasp," reigen teased. teru wilted.

"you're a terrible man, a terrible father even," he groaned dramatically, throwing himself to the floor. reigen followed his dramatic fashion, falling onto the couch, rather than the hard wood.

"yeah, yeah, i know. i'll die a terrible death, or something," reigen said, sounding very unconcerned for someone with such a fate.

"being fourteen was the worst," teru groaned, turning to plant his face directly onto the wood.

"when you turn eighteen you'll tell me that being sixteen was the worst," reigen replied. teru assumed this was true, because it didn't feel like the worst currently, but it hadn't when he was fourteen either.

"whatever. just- don't take anymore embarrassing pictures of me. i don't know if i can physically handle it," teru said.

"what was that? sorry, your face is in the wood. i can't hear you." reigen made a noise that teru assumed was getting up. he tilted his head to face reigen.

"i said not t-" the flash was suddenly in his face, and reigen was wearing the most shit eating grin that teru had ever seen.

"i hate you," teru complained, returninf his face to the wood.

"yeah, yeah. get up, we have to make dinner," reigen replied, groaning as he went to stand.

"whatever, old man," teruki muttered to himself as he stood.

"watch it, kid, i bet mob would love these pictures of you, and if i gave them to him, then he'd gush about them much more than me," reigen threatened. teru paled.

"wow, dad, you look exceptionally young today," teru tried.

"flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. come on," he slapped a hand onto teru's shoulder, and teru couldn't find it in himself to complain.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

LOL? i wrote this at like 4am last night on a whim, so i will hopefully do something with it eventually. also teru lives with reigen bc reigen adopted him it's in the manga trust me

#mp100 #mob psycho #mob psycho 100 #teruki hanazawa #reigen arakata

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picklerocket · 9 months

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I'm trying to make sense of something. Why am I always the one who needs to reach out to talk to someone? Am I not a passing thought in others' minds? Do I not matter enough for passive conversation? What makes me so unapproachable? Am I intimidating? Am I scary? Am I bad? I feel like I am not thought of in general. Even when I reach out, the conversations don't last. I don't have anyone who wants to talk to me every day or check up on me. I used to. Is that normal? For everyone to feel like flecks of pepper avoiding my dish soap? I just don't get why I can have so many friends from over the years and just. Pass the days staring at my phone wishing people would talk to me. I even started an ask blog and it's already dead and dying because there's just... no interest? No point? I have one ask to answer and then idk what to do after that, because I'm too scared to try to rp on it because I'll mess it up anyway and everybody will think I'm annoying and out of character. As if that's even possible. I guess I'm just having a Lilo and Stitch moment where I'm asking whatever powers that be; Can I have one person I can just talk to? Anyone? Just one. And it doesn't even have to be the nicest person you have. I just want somebody I can. Talk. To. Who wants. To talk. To me. That's it. That's all.

And this isn't a call-out for anybody who has ever talked to me and considers me a friend. I know I have friends. That's what's so confusing. I have friends, and I see that they have friends who talk to them and message them and always seem to, I don't know, actually want them to stick around? But for me, it always feels conditional. "Oh, you want to show me your art? Cool! Here's mine! Also we aren't going to talk about your art at all now c:" or they all stick around until the second I get frustrated with something and I'm not fun anymore, or I get some feedback and then radio silence.

And I totally get that everyone has their own lives and own shit going on, obviously. But like. Do I matter so little that there can't be room made for me? Because that's how it feels. It feels like if I show any weakness or any anger, I'm just suddenly not worth the effort. In turn that makes me feel like I can't trust anyone with my thoughts and feelings if they're just going to brush it off, I guess? It just feels like every aspect of my life is pointing me toward just. Being alone forever and being okay with being alone, but. I'm not okay with it. Do you get it? I feel like I'm explaining in circles but that's because I am. That's why I'm so confused.

Anyway I'm done writing this, and if I get any response making me feel silly about it I'm going to delete it because I'm genuinely never this open about this stuff and I'm terrified of admitting how lonely I feel. So uh. I'm going to shop at goodwill now, bye.

#pickle blogging #tw negative #i guess

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ginger-grimm · 2 years

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Hello everyone, it's late and I should be sleeping, but this shit is keeping me up. I don't think I need to do much introducing to my woes, we all know who it's about. So buckle up, bitches (affectionate), cause I have got to say my piece otherwise I may explode.

I was encouraged by @come-along-pond to make my own post on this after her post, detailing her anger on being used.

Even though this is going to sound like a bad Criminal Minds episode, I would like to establish a timeline real quick for people who may be confused still:

Saturday noon I received this ask by an anon, informing me that randomestfandoms and ocfanhub are the same person, I replied in a jokey manner because several people have been accused of being the same person in the past and I thought it was just another ridiculous claim - boy, was I wrong

Maybe half an hour later I saw a vague post by @waterloou on my dash, so like any normal person I went to their PMs and asked for the tea, they told me Maddie has been accused of stealing another OC and I have to admit, shamefully, I was still somewhat giving them the benefit of the doubt because I considered them a good friend and I couldn't fathom why they would do this - admittedly, I was scared of letting a friend go

Then my ask post was reblogged by @anna-phora with some scawlding hot commentary, which left me wondering if I should just delete the post and if I have stepped into something that wasn't for me to joke about

I was assured by Lou, Vannah, and then Dina that Anna wasn't talking to me personally and Dina offered to clue me in on what was happening

When she did I was schocked to my core to be honest, how could anyone do this?

The evidence was now stacking up and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I believe my friends and I find it simply reprehensible to steal, manipulate, and straight up lie to others

I blocked all of Maddie/Veronica's accounts because the way they lied to people is just not okay and I do not want to associate with a person like that any longer

And yet, it did hurt me to have to do this. Don’t get me wrong, Maddie is in the wrong, plain and simple. They stole, lied, manipulated, cheated the system.

I didn't want to believe that someone who wrote such kind messages at this to me:

Could be someone who deeply and profoundly hurt others with their actions. I still can't believe it, to be honest and it makes me quite sad to see a genuinely talented creator take such a wrong path.

I wasn’t stolen from, not to my knowledge, but I would like to mention that I also feel betrayed. Again, I have already stated that I don't mind making an extra gif for someone when they ask me, I love to meet others OCs even if I'm not in the fandom. What I can't stand is being lied to just so the person can gain some extra gifts under false pretenses.

I think what spurred this post into action was this particular ask from "Veronica"

Now, I've had crossovers with Maddie from Teen Wolf all the way to Riverdale, so this ask is genuinely making me shiver considering they're the same person.

Like, what was the reason for this? My spring giveaway isn't particularly crossover related, and you even made several crossover requests for the ones we had on your Maddie account. Again, making multiple requests with your accounts, which you have done since my first giveaway in 2019.

I made gifts for your for stolen OCs. Do you even understand how icky that feels after all the support I've shown you the past year? I thought you were a friend and here you were lying to me and abusing my trust in the people of this community to what? Score some extra gifts? Play pretend?

I will admit I'm a fucking idiot for not seeing through this rouse sooner. I quite literally thought to myself how similar these two edits looked and chalked it up to you "two" taking inspiration off "each other"

From "Veronica" to me

From Maddie to me

I'll let you guess who made what - surprise! It's the same person.

I don't even know what kind of conclusion to draw from all of this. I honestly just wanted to post this so that I can move on and go back to creating for OCs who are my own and creating stuff for people who did not lie to me and use me.

I know Maddie won't see this because I blocked them, but I genuinely do hope that they take a break and seek help for whatever mental issues they may be experiencing (I say this in the least catty way, this behavior is actually concerning).

I'm glad people are speaking up and I once again apologize for letting my friendship with this person blind me to the point where I ignored people's complaints at first. I will try my hardest to do better in the future. I love you all and wish everyone a gentle rest of your day/night.

#anna says things sometimes #it's 4am and i have a bio test today #which i will fail i already know it #fuck i can't sleep #idk if it's this whole thing that's keeping me up but i assume so

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creationfathers · 1 month

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@ alma (each of these was a separate comment)

"I can feel you pulling away from me and it's breaking my heart... and my soul. All I want Is to be next to you."

"And If for some weird reason your Misha's secret girlfriend nothing changes. I still love you alma. Please 🙏 reach out. Your beautiful but you breaking my heart"

"I am telling you the truth. Ask Kurt. He will tell you. I only sent you that class because I thought you were too stubborn to take it"

"Twinflames are polarized by the mind.. if you detach they come back. If we both detach NOBODY comes back. Get it.. probably what you want .... but I don't. I LOVD Y"

"You betrayed me.... you broke my entire heart 😭😭😭😭 I can't wait for you anymore. I stayed celibate and lonely for 3 years.... do you even care about my feelings or are you to "spiritual" now and present for that..."

" it's AMBER. I love you! What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop pushing me away!!!! And read my other comments it's important! I'm doimg the class now. And you are the ONE who is supposed to come back 😭 not thenone who is supposed to detach!! Your going to ruin our union!"

"Can you trust me? Stop taking KURTS class. You've done enough. Please. I don't want loose you permanently. I have to detach and I'm afraid you'll never come for me.."

"Oh I forgot "I dont know you just go away" ok alma, as if I CANT FEEL YOUR ENERGY... news flash. I've felt you on every other account as well. All the fake "alma" accounts."

"I want to marry you why the hell would you leave me like that? ITS AMBER. GO AHEAD AND BLOCK me.. or should I say "you" again. I love you!!!!! YOU ARE STUPID. KURTS class doesnt work the way you think it works ALMA the df is supposed to detach and the DM IS SUPPOSED TO COME BACK! I we both detach then we will never see eachother"

"I'm serious. And I DONT CARE what you say. I know you love me. You are so full of shit. It's not even funny or amusing anymore. But your going to ruin our union if you detach"

"Alma, if you are Misha. Then DONT COME BACK. I fell in love with alma for her kind soul. Your soulless. And heartless! I mean it! NEVER COME BACK."

there's more. this new burner account of hers "@ spnkat1" hasn't been blocked yet. she's been using it for two days now. she was also pretending that she had overdosed on pills and alcohol (someone pointed out that her ex Nic had already confirmed that she had not overdosed and was faking) and omg they posted the same Billy Collins poem just hours apart! (reality: Alma posted the poem. Amber saw it and posted it as well, hours later, adding a lie that she had just randomly come across the poem on another website.. then hours later she leaves an all caps comment under Alma's post saying "are you kidding me right now?? we posted the exact same poem! this isn't funny!" the most blatant obvious lie to try to retroactively manufacture synchronicity.) she also admitted to being "an addict" (addicted to kratom) in a now deleted video. I hope someone saved that receipt because it should be more than enough to get CPS involved and potentially her kids removed from this disgusting situation.

My God!

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skinnidreamss · 3 months

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Fuck tumblr

I've been scrolling through this blog for the past 2 hours. I don't even know how to feel. I guess the word "nauseous" would come to mind first. Ana tumblr has taken my fucking childhood from me and I gave it away happily.

I was fucking warned and I didn't listen. I would do anything to be able to stop my 13 year old self from ever discovering this place. I wish I could tell her that she really wasn't that fat, but the adults around her were trying to live through her and feeding her lies about how "dangerous" her very much healthy BMI was. I was just chubby. I was just a kid. I trusted everyone around me because they were adults and they were supposed to know everything, but it turns out that they were even more clueless than me.

I guess maybe when I found out that ED Tumblr, a place that is literally based on toxicity shared a few of the beliefs that these people would tell me, I should've been a bit concerned. But I wasn't. And I just fell into this rabbit hole that I don't think I will ever get out of. The things you learn here follow you forever. I can be happy and having a good day, eating something and the part of my brain that developed under the influence of this hell will remind me of some idiotic quote I read in a pretty font at 14. "once on the lips, forever on the hips", or some shit like that. And just like that, my day is ruined.

The truth is, I haven't been on here for a full year. My last post is from february 3rd 2023. It's february 6th 2024 now. I've been trying to heal, sort of. About 6 months ago, I started losing weight in a healthy(?) way. I think. I can't even tell at this point. After all these years, it's impossible to think about weight loss without triggering some horrible memories and starting some old habits again. I've had some close calls, but I haven't relapsed. I haven't starved myself the way I used to in a year. It's getting better.

I logged in today thinking I might delete this account once and for all. I decided to scroll through it and to my horror, I realized that I have repressed a lot of memories about my eating disorder. I had forgotten very big parts of my life and what my diets used to look like. I don't even know how to react and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's stuff that was happening a year and a half ago. One of the things I regret a lot is not journaling throughout my teenage years. But this blog has a ton of journal entries that reminded me of stuff my brain tried to erase. Like, for example. MY FUCKING THERAPIST TOLD ME THAT IF I TRULY WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I WOULD???? WHat the actual fuck??????? I remember being very hurt about that and thinking about it a lot for a while, before getting back on tumblr and finding some crazy diet to do, after a while of actually doing better. If I hadn't found the post I made about it at the time, I would've probably forgotten about it forever. And there's probably so much shit that I will never remember again. The crazy thing is that although I had pretty much forgotten all of the things I wrote on here, they still hurt me somehow.

I am just so fucking angry at everything and anyone. I hate tumblr and everything about ed tumblr. My brain feels rotten from all the shit I learned here. I am getting better, but I've been having a shitty day so I guess I needed someplace to rant. I am angry at the complete lack of attention that everyone in my life gave me when it came to my diet. I used to be scared that they would find out and try to stop me from starving myself. But I slowly realized that I could show as many signs of an unhealthy diet as I wanted. Nobody ever noticed, or if they did, they just didn't give a shit. I was doing stuff that if a skinnier girl did, it would've raised a million red flags to everyone. But because I was fat, I guess it was fine.

I'm not gonna get into any more of my trauma anymore because if I start, I might just never stop writing.

I'll be 19 in two months. Everyone else I know has discovered themselves, bettered themselves, found friends and even love. All I've discovered in the past 6 years is how to lose and gain back the same 10 kg over and over and over again in the most disgusting and painful ways.

But whatever.

Life goes on. I owe it to my younger self to get better. I truly believe it's possible to do this in a healthy way. I will keep trying to be better and hopefully the anger will fade away in time and I will finally be able to heal from all of this. Someday.

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dearly · 3 years

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Pete Wentz (6:39:20 PM): Hey Ryan Ross (6:39:39 PM): hey Pete Wentz (6:40:09 PM): Is this the guy fro poanic at the disco Ryan Ross (6:40:23 PM): yeah im ryan, is this pete? Pete Wentz (6:41:12 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (6:41:18 PM): hey man Pete Wentz (6:42:37 PM): How arer you Ryan Ross (6:43:17 PM): im not bad, working on a paper for english. hows everything with the new record? Pete Wentz (6:44:37 PM): Going really well Pete Wentz (6:45:04 PM): How's everything wiht your band are those just remixes Ryan Ross (6:46:01 PM): awesome, yeah we only did those on my laptop because we cant get into a studio yet. but we still have alot of those parts live and full band Pete Wentz (6:46:25 PM): Does it have samples like that Pete Wentz (6:46:42 PM): How many people are in the band.... Are you guys all in hicghschool Ryan Ross (6:47:20 PM): do you mean do we use a sampler? our drummer uses a drum sampler which we put some of the stuff on, and he plays some of it Ryan Ross (6:47:43 PM): im in college. im 18 the other three of them are 17 and in high school Pete Wentz (6:48:26 PM): Like of the pure volume site songs what would not be part of your live show Ryan Ross (6:50:18 PM): well right now the synth stuff because we need a keyboard player. we are trying out a few guys soon though. and some of the drum parts are different. Pete Wentz (6:50:48 PM): I absolutely love the stuff Ryan Ross (6:52:16 PM): but we have two guitar players one sings and i play lead. its kind of hard to describe it. we are a rock band but about half of a song will be dance-ish or sort of 80s sounding Ryan Ross (6:52:28 PM): really? wow thanks alot man Ryan Ross (6:53:12 PM): it really is a huge compliment coming from you Ryan Ross (6:53:35 PM): i was actually really suprised you listened to it Ryan Ross (6:53:40 PM): i didnt expect you to see it Pete Wentz (6:54:00 PM): Is there some pics of you guys anywhere Ryan Ross (6:55:10 PM): no, we are taking them pretty soon for the website, its just not done yet. i have some just of me on livejournal. but thats wierd haha Pete Wentz (6:56:09 PM): Yeah fuck get some to me Pete Wentz (6:56:19 PM): I think I may come see you in californaia Ryan Ross (6:56:44 PM): really? Ryan Ross (6:57:08 PM): that would be awesome Pete Wentz (6:57:46 PM): I've been listeneing to those songs nonstop. Is the band a side thing or is it gonna be fulltime? Ryan Ross (6:58:20 PM): no its full time Ryan Ross (6:59:24 PM): well aside from school. which sucks Ryan Ross (6:59:32 PM): but we want to do this Pete Wentz (7:00:00 PM): When are those kids out of school Ryan Ross (7:00:26 PM): the drummer and bass player are graduating early. so like january and other guitarist/singer graduates in the spring Pete Wentz (7:01:16 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:01:23 PM): Do you know about my label Ryan Ross (7:01:46 PM): yeah i think i saw something a while ago on a journal entry, is gym class heroes the only band on it right now? Pete Wentz (7:03:10 PM): Yeah. I signed the academy. But they are fbr strictly gym class and I am looking for another Pete Wentz (7:03:33 PM): The cool thing about it is I just met with waner and they want both of the bands and to give me an imprint Ryan Ross (7:03:55 PM): oh cool i like the academy alot, oh i see yea i was going to ask you about that Pete Wentz (7:04:03 PM): Which pretty much means a lot more money to promote cool artists Pete Wentz (7:04:14 PM): You guys plays out a lot? Ryan Ross (7:04:39 PM): thats awesome man. actually no we just kind of started this thing up a few months ago, the show in victorville is going to be our first one Pete Wentz (7:05:51 PM): Really Pete Wentz (7:05:56 PM): Interesting Pete Wentz (7:06:11 PM): How much do you guys practice Ryan Ross (7:06:45 PM): we've been trying to figure out the best way to do this stuff live, and we've been having a hard time on figuring out how to make it sound good. depending on the place we might not be able to use all the electronic stuff that we want to do which sucks but alot of venues, at least here might have a hard time setting us up. we practice at

least 4 times a week so like. between 24-30 hours a week Pete Wentz (7:07:09 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:07:21 PM): I am gonna come to the show Ryan Ross (7:08:13 PM): we wish we could more often. but school is getting in the way. and it sucks cause parents think its a waste of time playing music and want me to focus on school. im sure you know how that is. Ryan Ross (7:08:23 PM): thanks alot man really Pete Wentz (7:08:55 PM): I do Pete Wentz (7:09:05 PM): What are peoples reactions to it Ryan Ross (7:10:04 PM): some good some bad. everyone is so into post hardcore stuff these days that some kids just brush it off. which is fine but then some kids like it cause its a little different i guess Pete Wentz (7:11:30 PM): Can that kid sing live? Ryan Ross (7:12:54 PM): yeah, he's been taking voice lessons for a little bit so thats starting to help him Pete Wentz (7:13:19 PM): Is he on? I mean on here he sounds awesome Ryan Ross (7:14:21 PM): yeah he's on pitch, we recorded that stuff with like a 100 dollar vocal mic. the only effects we used was pretty much reverb on the main parts. Pete Wentz (7:14:42 PM): Yeah sounds good kind of like patrick Pete Wentz (7:14:47 PM): I like it Ryan Ross (7:16:57 PM): yeah thats the only thing we get that alot. and thats just how the kid sings. we like your band but we dont want to sound like you guys, or be compared to fob all the time you know? but yeah he is aware that kids say he sounds like patrick so he's just trying different vocal stuff sometimes. Pete Wentz (7:19:06 PM): Here's the thing if I show you guys interest a lot of crappy labels are gonna come and do the same and I don't want a huge mess out there. I mean how interested are you guys in going fulltime when you can Pete Wentz (7:19:19 PM): Yeah you'll get eh patrock thing but how many people. Sound like hime Ryan Ross (7:19:47 PM): so you really think we've got potential then? Pete Wentz (7:19:54 PM): I do Ryan Ross (7:20:05 PM): i've wanted to play in a band for my job ever since i started high school at least. Ryan Ross (7:20:07 PM): we all want to do this Ryan Ross (7:21:05 PM): its like i cant put enough dedication into anything exept playing guitar and writing Pete Wentz (7:23:01 PM): I'm with you Ryan Ross (7:24:05 PM): but yeah. i cant see myself doing anything else but playing in a band, cause every job i've ever had ive hated it Pete Wentz (7:24:57 PM): You don't have a picture of the band Ryan Ross (7:25:44 PM): no, but if you need it i could have my buddy take some tomorrow at practice Pete Wentz (7:26:58 PM): That would be rad Ryan Ross (7:27:37 PM): okay we'll take some Ryan Ross (7:28:08 PM): are you online much? Pete Wentz (7:33:12 PM): Sometimes Ryan Ross (7:33:35 PM): okay, i was just wondering if this was your email incase you arent on i'll just send them Pete Wentz (7:34:17 PM): Yeah send it here for sure Ryan Ross (7:34:36 PM): okay Ryan Ross (7:34:55 PM): dude this better not be a joke, it better be you Pete Wentz (7:35:12 PM): It is Pete Wentz (7:35:34 PM): But there are a lot of fakers out there Ryan Ross (7:35:55 PM): okay. yeah i know someone has shown me like fake journals of you and stuff. thats creepy Ryan Ross (7:36:10 PM): thats why i asked if it was you for sure Pete Wentz (7:36:32 PM): This guy who is iming me is your manager Ryan Ross (7:37:03 PM): is it xxxtoughffxxx ? Pete Wentz (7:37:22 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (7:37:38 PM): i dont know if he's our manager. he's our friend, he's been helping us out with a website, merch and the show in victorville Ryan Ross (7:38:35 PM): he's starting a company up and he wants to help us out Pete Wentz (7:43:04 PM): Ah I got t Pete Wentz (7:43:32 PM): It Pete Wentz (7:43:37 PM): You guys are awesome and if its what I think it is I want ti to be thenext academy Ryan Ross (7:44:58 PM): wow thanks alot. i hope you like the stuff live, its not completely different but it is different. i mean the singing is the same and all that. Pete Wentz (7:47:46 PM): cool Pete Wentz (7:48:06 PM): You guys look good. The chicks gonna be swooning? Ryan Ross (7:48:38 PM): once we get

a keyboard player who can do all of the sampling we want to do it will be alot better too. its like we know how we want to sound, but just finding the right way to do it i guess is what we are working on. Ryan Ross (7:48:40 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:48:51 PM): i dont know man, we look alright i guess Ryan Ross (7:48:57 PM): we look young Pete Wentz (7:49:42 PM): Youngs not abd at all Pete Wentz (7:49:47 PM): How does the singiner look Ryan Ross (7:50:05 PM): dead sexy. Ryan Ross (7:50:41 PM): he's no pete wentz. but still Pete Wentz (7:51:42 PM): Hahaha Pete Wentz (7:51:54 PM): Goddamn as long as he looks cool.singing Pete Wentz (7:52:14 PM): For sure send me pics and all how many songs you guys have? Ryan Ross (7:52:39 PM): haha Ryan Ross (7:53:00 PM): kk Ryan Ross (7:53:54 PM): we've only got 4 right now, its been tough to write since school started and everyone's busier. and those are the first 4 songs we've written as a band. at the show we'll play those and a cover of new order maybe. or depeche mode. we dont know yet Pete Wentz (7:56:08 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:56:21 PM): I gotta run Pete Wentz (7:56:32 PM): But ill hit you on here later Pete Wentz (7:56:38 PM): Send me those pics and write the hits Ryan Ross (7:56:43 PM): okay dude. good talking to you Pete Wentz (7:56:43 PM): Peaaaaaace Ryan Ross (7:56:44 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:56:47 PM): later man Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 7:56:51 PM. Auto response from Pete Wentz: Igot99problems Pete Wentz is back at the computer as of 10:05:48 PM. Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 10:06:23 PM.

#pete wentz #ryan ross #brendon urie #i just don't trust shit not being deleted anymore don't mind me #reference #bandom #long post #panic at the disco

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lipstvcked · 2 years

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how to manifest

you are unlimited and don’t let other people teach you nonsense. make your own rules. there’s no right or wrong way to manifest. everyone has their own rules and i’m just gonna “teach” you how i do it.

there’s so many new loa blogs, so many new posts, trust me you don’t have to read all of them. just learn some basic stuff, that’s it. i wanted to delete my manifestation posts because i’m not needed here anymore but i still decided to post this.

Please don’t ask me if you can manifest a sp, a puppy, a new iphone or 10000000$... I don’t know, can you? You are the one who should know the answers because you are the god of your reality and you should make your own rules.

your manifestations haven’t showed up in your reality yet? I’m sorry but blame yourself, babe, because your self concept is shit. Stop complaining. You should always assume its working out in the best way possible even if you don't see any movement. shift to your desired state, and things WILL change. You will feel it. You will see it. Everything is instant. Choose to live in the wish fulfilled and don’t waste a minute longer dwelling in the unfulfilled that doesn’t even exist unless you make it so.

First of alll please work on your self concept. Perfect self concept means you are not bothered by 3D, you know everything is possible, you don’t doubt yourself, you know your manifestation will come no matter what... The stronger the self concept is the easier it is to manifest. Because self concept boost our confidence in our manifestation journey.

Circumstances don't matter. Whatever your 3d reality is showing you right now is just a reflection of your past thoughts and persistent assumptions.

always think and live like a person who you want to be. For example, if you’re manifesting a sp live in the end of your desired relationship. You can do this by affirming or visualizing and feeling it. By feeling i dont mean being joyful or happy but A Knowing that your sp is already yours no matter what the 3d is showing you right now. You just have to dare to assume you are with your sp now and think like that. And if you are a visual person Give it tones of reality like Touch, smell, taste, listen as much as you can while you are doing SATS.

Please persist. No matter what. It doesn't mean waiting for something or working hard and forcing things into 3D. Persist simply means choosing your preference and persisting in that story. You cannot say you're persisting in the new story but waiting for things to manifest in 2 days or weeks. You persist Knowing that you have already Manifested your desires and the 3d has no choice but to show you that and that's the LAW. The Law always works.

and remember, you don’t have to use any technique. techniques should be an inspired action just for fun or to make you feel good. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t meditate every day, I don’t fill up cups with water, I don’t script, I don’t read tarot cards. I just state my desire and persist in it. All you need is your mind. I don’t watch endless YouTube videos, force myself to read Neville every night and also I don’t read every loa post on tumblr. You don’t need to know to much information, trust me it makes everything much harder. Everything is already done, anyway. Relax into your preference. It’s finished.

if you can assume that something is the natural outcome to a situation, even if that something is you getting rich, or famous, or someone getting better from their “incurable” disease, or something happening in an oddly specific way at a specific time on a specific date, then it HAS to manifest because that is the state and the law never fails

#law of assumption #manifestation #mine

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leafcabbage · 3 years

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LEAFSPROUTGREENS. the deleted scene. fuck lorraine im glad she's dead and is being used as a paper weight. literally half of ranboo's trauma doesnt even come from the car crash but her terrible parenting practices and that upsets me so much. the poor kid never had time to heal. they deserved so much better. still think about how much they dislike the pale-ish purple because it was his sheet's color when he lived with Lorraine. Why are you so good at making sad scenes that don't make you sad on the spot but make you think and make you sad because that's infinitely worse like why

this ended up so long lmao

yes!! a large portion of their struggles stems from not getting any of the support they needed psychologically and the bare minimum for their physical health. ranboo feels like she did enough on that level because they got physical and speech therapy, and she paid for their hospital bills (though that was largely from their parents money, they did get any of that because of medical bills. even with insurance that shit is overwhelming.) but those things stopped when they could walk and when they could talk clearly enough. they never got a lot of the rehabilitation that would have made things a lot better. they never went to therapy. the most they got was a few prescription medications that made things easier physically (which they cant afford anymore).

they were heavily neglected and when lorraine got cancer when they were 15ish, they had no adult in their life. well... jenna. but jenna didn't like them. jenna heavily resented them. they had no friends, they had no meaningful relationships; as much as the soulmates angle is kinda true with drdi!benchtrio, there's also a level of ranboo blindly trusting tommy and tubbo now that its been proved that they care, that they love ranboo. this is the first time ranboo has been loved, or even remotely cared about since they were 13. i think they've still not accepted that people who arent tommy and tubbo can love them. its a bit of an exception in their mind. so they need to make sure they stay worth it. they're still afraid of losing it, especially now that the break is over.

ranboo was incredibly depressed and passively suicidal throughout the last five years. they were deeply lonely, had absolutely no hope, and didnt think they deserved for things to get better. they had and still have survivors guilt, struggle with the idea that people dont love them "despite" their mental and physical health and appearance, but love them wholly and unconditionally. in high school no adult had the capacity to help them, though they had one or two teachers who worked with them and did care, and they had to put in like 3x the work to get through. if you think about their life its just... sad. there's a reason they dont talk about it.

fun fact, ranboo's room at lorraines is based around a room ive made in the sims. im so cool. im so cool. maybe ill remake it and show y'all what a sick rad gamer i am.

#cabbage answers #drdi answers #anon #tw suicide mention #no proofread just post

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leahseclipse · 3 years

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The Reichenbach Fall: Aftermath - Chapter One: Happy Death Anniversary, Detective.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x GN!Reader (With some Fem mentions)

Warnings: S2 FINALE SHERLOCK SPOILERS, Major character death; death topic, mourning, suicide mentions, depression mentions... (lemme know if I missed stuff.)

Summary: Two years after the death of Sherlock, what could be next?

Word Count: 4.0K

A/N: Hey there! I've finally found the motivation to post my Sherlock fic here. If you prefer AO3, click here :)

Sherlock used to call at midnight, he never cared whether you were trying to sleep, or if you were actually sleeping- he’d just call.

Sometimes to complain that technology was futile given the multitude of defaults it contained (his phone, for example)- or to talk about an article in a newspaper, thinking we’d be interested in it.

It’s been two years since the last call. No one could bring themselves to delete his number since; and I understand the reason for it. We all had some hope inside us, it was small given all the time that went by, but it was there.

We all wondered if he wasn’t alive. Movies aren’t real, so the whole fake-death scenario couldn’t have been real but we all thought “why not?”, it could happen. That was over a year ago, but I still believed it, I wasn’t quite planning on giving up; and when my phone rang a bit after midnight, I still had a glimpse of hope, each time.

That glimpse was cut short when I read the caller ID. It was John. I did like him, he just wasn’t who I expected to see, but I picked up the phone, just to not be rude. Voicemail is awful. “John? What’s going on?”

"I...I don’t really know, actually. Guess I...needed to feel less alone. I don’t even know."

“Hold on.” I glanced at my bedside as I put the phone on speaker before sitting on the bed. "...so, you couldn’t sleep?"

"Yeah, I’ve been trying for an hour, certainly because of..." He stopped, hesitating with his words.

Who else other than Sherlock would it be, honestly. The man’s always been in our thoughts, and now that he’s gone, we have to be reminded that he’s stuck in our minds. The only way to hear him is through memories, and probably some of us are afraid to forget what he sounds like through time. He wasn’t the guy to make documentaries on him, film himself- hell, he rejected every interview he was offered. The only thing we have is pictures, which isn’t enough.

"It’s him, isn't it?" I presumed.

"Yeah, Sherlock." He confirmed. “It’s the anniversary of his death, in two weeks.”

See, that was the kind of thing I didn’t want to recall as it made me think of what I didn’t want to accept, but at the same time, if I stopped thinking about that, might as well forget Sherlock completely.

"It kept me awake too." I admitted.”I can’t believe it.”

No one really does, to be honest. We all wish that it could be fake, that’s what we would need, even if it’d hurt to see him while we mourned all this time.

"It still feels a bit weird without him, even after basically two years."

“It didn’t seem right without him, at first."

"It took us a bit to get used to it, and still...I think I didn’t get used to it fully to this day."

"Neither am I, John. I don't think I ever will. Time will make the pain less...painful, but it’ll never erase him, he'll be in our thoughts from the moment we wake up."

"I wish it was all a dream. I hate to wake up and not see him. He annoyed me sometimes but...he was my friend."

"He was annoying but a good friend, yeah.” I said, “It’s just...not right. Nothing is right. I feel like everything has gone cold. I swear that I haven't seen a single ray of sunshine."

"It's probably time fooling around, I don't know." He said.

"It could but, when he was there, there would be some sunny-ish days. I haven't seen one since. He left, and it's like he took the sun with him, John. The whole world is falling apart.”

"I felt that too, for a moment. But, I don't really trust whatever I think about these days. I don't pay much attention to whatever I do."

"You should be careful though, I don't need you to die because you didn't pay attention out there. And before you say anything, there's no joke in there. I mean it, Watson.”

"I wasn't going to say that, trust me."

"You better. I need you there."

"Same goes for me. You've been of great help since…"

"Yeah. Since." I paused. "It sucks."

"It does.” He agreed. “Well I...I’m gonna go back to sleep, I don’t want to bother you all night.”

“You didn’t bother me, don’t worry. It helped to talk. I could even stay a bit more, if you’re not planning on going back now.”

“Alright, then.”

It’s like the weather watched me plan the day, rain is on time. It couldn’t be more depressing on top of me dressed in black, but I just didn’t feel like coming in rainbow clothes would be appropriate, even if he wouldn’t care how I dressed anyway, even if he’s dead, yeah.

It feels weird to go, I always expected this was all a dream, or that it’d just...never happen. He’s the kind of person that outlives everyone, and Sherlock was this kind of person, he’s always been that person. He even used to say he’ll always be there, that he’d never leave, and now I guess we’ve both made mistakes, he’s not here anymore.

I never thought that would happen, I can’t tell how bad I prayed to whatever god to wake up, but that did nothing but make me a fool, nothing changed.

His apartment remained empty, as ours, he’d consider each house he could sleep at, his. I remember that he stayed at John’s for a week, before having to go back as John was “not entertaining” enough because he slept too much- As if we got to sleep all day.

He used to think everyone was like him, barely sleeping, barely tired, because I don’t think I’ve had the opportunity of seeing him elsewhere other than a room full of piles of papers.

He did sleep, but not at night, it was kind of like a cat, throughout the day, when possible. I always laughed about it along with John, and he never minded, he’d either pretend to not care, or join the conversation, and I already miss this kind of talks.

They’d either be incredibly short, or extremely long, you really had to clear your schedule for an hour or two when he’d talk. It’s not that it bothered me, it was more the others, those who didn’t know him. They’ve always found an amount of weirdness in him, which I had when I was like them, a stranger.

I never thought we’d get close, I didn’t even think anyone was close with him, he seemed quite the lonely guy, very private. Even after getting to know him, he remained quite private, as I thought, he wouldn’t share much, even with John and Mycroft; but, it didn’t matter that much, we still managed to have a great friendship, and I’ll always miss it.

Not any person will be like him, he was one of a kind. Not anyone could copy him without being seen as a fool. Sherlock Holmes was unique, he didn’t copy anyone to rise up, didn’t take anyone as a model, he did it all himself, he was a model himself.

He didn’t wish to be like anyone, it was the contrary, everyone wanted to be at his level, have the recognition he had, the fame, all the things that made him known, that made Sherlock be him. Even I won’t find a mentor like him, not any of them will be better, they’ll all seem ridiculous to me, even if they have more experience than him.

Nothing will be the same. This world won’t be the same without him being here, he’s gone now.

He took a big piece of whatever thing, when he left, and whatever thing he took was a big one, because it left us all empty. The kind of empty feeling that won’t quite go away, we’ve all been so used to having him around so much that it was a habit.

And now that he’s gone, nothing feels right, even living doesn’t feel right. It won’t ever feel right without him.

I almost feel guilty for being alive, I’m not as smart as him, I won’t contribute to anything. He was the smart one, we really lost an important person and I don’t think it wouldn’t have changed much if I had died instead, people would just be sad, I think.

It wouldn’t be that bad.

His death is bad to the point that the world he left behind can’t function as well as when he was alive. The whole puzzle is missing, hell, the whole world, if I go out of the metaphor.

...Sherlock would have been the corners of it, the foundations of it, what made it whole, what gave a start to get the rest of the puzzle.

He would have corrected me with hundreds of better metaphors if he could hear me, I really suck at this. He never did, though.

In fact, most of his talking contained metaphors, it was his signature, his day couldn’t feel right if he wouldn’t tell at least one.Now the whole ‘no day without a metaphor is a bad day’ is falling on us, and nothing or no one will make that feeling go away.

It’s strange, and funny that he managed to create all of those special feelings, memories, that we only felt with him. Sherlock’s had quite the special part in our lives. He changed our lives in such a spectacular way, and to be honest, life felt less depressing, even if our job is full of dead people and mysteries that make our sleep schedule non-existent, quite rare.

He made us forget all of that shit, whenever he could. That’s why I looked up to him, and thought about him so much. Whenever I had a problem, I’d call him first. Of course, I did call John, and Mycroft, but Sherlock was like my emergency contact, he’d always pick up, if possible.

Somehow, he always knew the answers to everything, and when he was clueless (which only happened twice, in five years)- he'd attempt to find something close to it, and even if his explanations didn’t solve anything, I didn’t care.

It probably made him sort of happy to explain it, share his big knowledge, so as long as he enjoyed himself, that was enough. I did hope he did enjoy himself, I never thought about asking and now that I think about it, I probably should have, it’s too late now.

If he can hear me, a sign would be great, probably. A good thing if he enjoyed talking, and a bad one if I annoyed him? It’d be nice to know even if he probably won’t answer, he must still be working; I know it.

He would be bored if he didn’t have his face in newspapers and whatever case. I always said Sherlock not to overwork, but he never listened. I hope he’s not doing it right now, that man was a total workaholic, right to his last breath, he never stopped.

I just hope he’s okay, wherever he is.

He deserves peace, enough things happened to him, he almost died a couple times, almost lost us if we hadn’t survived all of the wounds and things that happened, almost lost himself because of depression- all of these could have killed him.

He would have stayed alive, but he would have died inside, I just know it even if he didn’t show it much. But he did feel, he did have feelings.

I know he liked us a lot, even though he didn’t show it much; he did enjoy living even with all of the problems he had so, let’s hope he’s not in pain, stressing, suffering, whatever feeling that makes him feel bad.

You can take it easy now, we’re taking care of what you couldn’t finish for you, we’re taking care of the legacy you couldn’t pursue for you, we’ve got your back, Holmes. John, Mycroft, myself, and whatever person you know will tell you everything that happens so you don’t miss anything. You’ll be able to debate about the events, you won’t miss a single thing of what’s happening.

Even if I have my pride, and don’t want to admit I’m depressed about you being dead, I’ll tell you everything, I know you’d be here to tell me how to deal with the death of a person, the whole five stages of grief. You said them to me so much that I always have them in my head.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I’d say that I’m at the last phase, but a lot of anger comes in it. I still wish it had been me, sometimes. It’s not fair it happened to Sherlock. I just hope he’s not too mad. If it had been someone else, he’d probably try to talk some sense into me, get me to tell more logical things.

If ghosts were real, I know he’d tell me to stop putting the blame on myself, even if I don’t even know why I blame myself, we don’t even know what caused him to jump from a damn building. And even if someone explains it, we won’t know if it’s real no matter how much they’ll prove it’s the truth.

The only person that can tell us that is gone.

So, unless we don’t find...a diary, or a note, proving it all, we won’t know.

The last thing we’ve heard from him was an apology, the ‘note’ he left behind was the call John received, which means the presumed note I mentioned doesn’t exist, only the call does.

After leaving his note, he fell from the roof and he died on impact, his pulse was long gone when he reached the floor, and it didn’t come back. I didn’t believe all of it happened, even when I heard John telling it, none of it seemed true...until I saw the death certificate.

The whole world stopped, and it still is frozen now. I wish the grave I’m standing in front of wasn’t real, I wish that my eyes were betraying me.

If only.

“Turns out you lied, Sherlock. You left.”

I hate you for what you did.

“You could have explained all of this a bit more. Even if I would have preferred not to, I would have prevented you from dying if you gave me a note...before.”

I wish I had known, I should have known. He didn’t have to die, he wasn’t supposed to die, certainly not like that.

Not now, that wasn’t his time. He was supposed to die of old age because of natural reasons, after all of us. Outlive us all.

Damn Sherlock Holmes wasn’t supposed to die at 35 years old. It's too young, too soon, Too much to bear.

“What am I supposed to do now, I mean- what are we all supposed to do? None of us can replace you, we’ll take twice the amount of time you barely took to resolve cases on our own, you left us in a really bad situation, you know that? It’s not going to be the same if you’re not here with us.”

And I miss you like a little kid.

“You could have made us take classes to become a close version of you, at least. I’m saying ‘close’ because no one will ever be like you. Not even that detective that had 30 years of experience, he wasn’t even close, really. I’d say he looked like a newbie, next to you.”

I even started to lose the habit of calling him when he’s not directly on the field and I hate this. I’ve only known him for a couple of years, and yet, he’s going to be ironed in my mind for a lifetime.

That man, I swear.

He didn’t think that sticking so close to us, getting to know us, sharing things about him would affect us so badly now that he’s gone. Real gone.

It hurts to say that, I wish I could just pretend he wasn’t gone, but that’s not really...healthy? It’s not really healthy in the way that if I pretend he’s still there- while he’s six feet under ground would drive me crazy, it’d completely destroy the whole ‘acceptance phase’ I’ve been working on. He’s dead, and there’s nothing we can do to bring him back.

That’s what my brain has to acknowledge, pretending he’s alive wouldn’t do any good.

Sometimes life gets to an end, and we have to accept that. I know that Sherlock, his brother and even John wouldn’t want to see me like this- ignoring reality, building a fake world to protect me from the real one.

Hurting sucks. Getting reminded that I won’t be seeing him anymore sucks, but everything sucks in life, and that’s what happens when you live. You can’t have a perfect happy life with all the shitty problems, that doesn’t exist.

But even if this sucks, I also get to remember all of the great things Sherlock has accomplished, the hundreds of memories we’ve made all together, whatever makes me happy- but there’s still a lot of hurt to go through before being able to think about them without crying because I miss them.

I wish that could be happening right now, I must have filled an entire bottle of water with all my tears. It’s even worse when that happens at 2am after you wake up from a dream about them.

Speaking of dreams, I don’t think I’ve ever had so many dreams with him compared to when he was alive. It’s as if he's haunting me, and even if I like him, I’d wish he wouldn’t do that so often, a little peace and quiet would be nice, even if I don’t want that to stop.

I’m afraid I’ll forget Sherlock if I stop thinking about him, block the memories to prevent me from the hurt that comes with it. I don’t want that to happen, he doesn’t deserve to have his legacy ignored because of my stupid feelings that hurt, he deserves to have his legacy remembered, discussed about, shared, not to have it trapped in newspapers, or in a corner of my head.

I like to imagine him being proud when I do that, even if I wouldn’t have known he was. He wasn’t the expressive kind, but he liked to show he was proud of you through a facial expression, a word, whatever could be ‘decrypted’. He wasn’t as cold as people saw him, he was extremely kind, even if he was broken in millions of pieces inside.

But yet, he overcame everything and came back even stronger. Every single time. He was amazing in so many ways, and that’s why I wish I could be like him.

So much.

I sighed, adjusting the grip I had on my umbrella, as I squatted down in front of his grave. “Did you know we went through your closet yesterday? There’s really not a lot, your clothes are so...similar. We can easily buy the same to be ‘like you’. But I don’t want to touch them, they’re kind of like precious pieces you can find in a museum.”

I hope he doesn’t think I’m crazy because of that.

“And...yeah, we went through your place because we can’t bring ourselves to sell it, I don’t want someone else to live in there and ruin it with their own belongings. But at the same time, living in it would be weird, I don’t know. I can’t find an explanation, just that it’s weird, living in the apartment of a dead person. Kinda creepy.” I explained, looking up from my umbrella as I realized the rain had gone down, letting a few rays of a ‘somehow’ sun. “Look, the sun listened to me. It’s coming up so I can give my emotional speech full of hope.” I sighed. “I don’t...I don’t even know what to say anymore. Kind of ironic as I always have something to say.”

I actually kind of know, but I don’t want to say it.

He’s gone. No miracle will bring him back, but I’ve kept hearing John saying it, I heard him last time we came; and even though I can’t bring myself to say that, I want to so badly. That’s all I’ve been wanting to happen since you died, I don’t want anything else and I don’t care about love anymore even if you always wanted me to be happy.

You’re what made me happy, you were the definition of love. Maybe what I’ve been feeling was that but I never brought myself to admit it.

I have loved you since the first day, but you always said that whoever fell in love with you should find better as you considered yourself a forever loner, unable to feel and give love, but I know you were capable of it, if you had tried, I believed you could have done it.

“Look at me, in front of your grave, exposing the feelings I’ll never have the answer to, I don’t even know if you liked me back. You really took all your secrets to your grave, huh? What a selfish prick, you could’ve shared that, at least.” I complained.

I don’t think I’ve ever known someone that hid so much stuff, he really was a whole mystery to himself, that man.

We can’t even solve what caused you to commit suicide, we’ll probably never solve it. You were the only one that knew why, and yet he can’t just pull a miracle and live again for a few minutes as a zombie to explain. That would be of great help, even if I’d prefer he’d live again.

That’d be an awesome miracle, even better than what happens at Christmas.

“Can you do that for me, though?”

Just that, I won’t ask for anything else.

“Just one more miracle, Sherlock, for us.” I said, putting my hand on the polished surface. “...don't be dead.”

It’s too easy, you can’t be dead, Nothing can kill you. I know John, and a shit ton of people saw you fall, but...let me believe all of that isn’t true.

Just a fake accident, Do that for us. Please. We need you more than you can ever imagine, you were so important to us, you were family.

A reason to fight for, to live for.

“Don’t be, please.” I pleaded, as I got up from the ground. “I uh...I’ll be back whenever I can, okay? Work’s been crazy since you’re gone, it’s incredible. I don’t know if it’s because we don’t have your help, or because it’s always been like that.”

Probably a mix of the two, I don’t really know, it’s been complicated to think properly these days. Sherlock would be the one to help with that, usually.

“I’ll have to ask someone else, I guess.”

I still haven’t found this ‘someone else’, by the way, It’s been two years, I know. But I still haven’t found someone that can help me the way he used to.

He still remains unique after all this time.

“I’ll be on my way, then. You’re awfully quiet today, guess you’re not in the mood, so I’ll go.”

I wish I still didn’t have to say goodbye, but this is the only thing I can say when I leave.

The weather had even gotten better, as if it only rained to have a full dramatic effect, there was only wind, which didn’t seem to announce a storm, for now. The sound of the leaves being crushed by my feet as I walked was to be heard, as no other sounds were around, it was very quiet today.

The silence did feel weird, I never liked it.

Not when it caused me to think of…

“Got time to spare for me?”

...him.

“Sherlock.”

|Chapter Two|

#sherlock holmes x reader #sherlock fic #sherlock holmes #bbc sherlock #sherlock #lexies sherlock #sherlock holmes fanfiction

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abla-soso · 3 years

Note

Hey, whether you choose to delete or not is absolutely up to you, but I do recommend you take a break regardless of your decision. It's not cowardly or weak to step away from the internet (or any situation, really) when it starts to negatively effect your mental health.

I'm truly sorry people are attacking you for your religion, that's not right. This is coming from an Atheist and someone with deep hurt associated with Abrahamic Religions: believe me when I say the people targeting you aren't shit.

It's never okay to use your trauma to attack other people, and just because I or others have had negative experiences with the religion (or other religions) does not give us the right to attack individual believers who had nothing to do with our pain.

My only advice, other than taking a well deserved break, is to block harassers on sight. You don't owe anyone a debate and you don't have to constantly answer questions or defend yourself or your beliefs from people who so clearly don't care and just want to start unnecessary shit.

Take care, and if you really do plan to delete, then I wish you the best and I enjoyed your content while I was around ♡

Thank you so much for your kindness.

Just to be clear: I was not harassed. I had an unfortunately heated discussion with one of my followers and we ended up unintentionally hurting each other. But I don't feel any ill well towards them.

I'm feeling a bit better now. I had a nice chat with a very dear friend yesterday‚ @yonaks‚ and I've decided - for her sake - not to delete this account.

But I do need a break from it.

Trying to carefully navigate my fandom experience in westren spaces - without being deeply hurt or deeply hurting westren people who are almost completely different from me - is not really working anymore.

Engaging in western spaces as an Arab‚ Muslim woman is inherently difficult and it can be very toxic (it's why most of my fellow Arab‚ Muslim fandom friends left a long time ago).

There's always the knowledge that I don't belong (because these spaces were not made for people like me) and there's always the nagging dread of me unintentionally offending someone with my "otherness" and then being punished for it‚ especially when it comes to my religion.. because a lot of western people - no matter how open minded and friendly they are - no longer seriously consider religious faith as a valid part of someone's identity that deserves respect‚ and insulting religious faiths is considered a virtue of free speech.

I could live with people not respecting my beliefs just fine‚ but it becomes mentally draining when I can no longer trust my own followers to respect me at least or to respect my online boundaries.

I still don't know how long this break will last. Maybe I'll write a post every two weeks or maybe I'll be completely absent for a couple of months.

But I will try to answer some old anon messages before I'll leave tomorrow (I'd feel terrible if I left and ignored them).

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xxisxxisxxis · 3 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Five [PT. 1]

Part Eighty-Five [PT. 2]

Words: 5.5k

Warning(s): explicit language, explicit sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse

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NIKKI

My lawyer looks completely unimpressed with my lack of shoes, shirt, and dignity as he leans back in his chair behind his desk, rubbing his temples.

"It doesn't work like that, Nikki, I'm afraid." He informs me finally, sitting up and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his desk.

"I was declared dead for two minutes. I died. My wife's technically a widow."

"You can't annul a four year marriage on the basis of 'I died for two minutes.' Some cases of actual death, it can take an act of congress for widow or widower to have an annulment for a marriage where their spouse is no longer alive, legitimately." He explains and I roll my eyes.

"So, what, I just get some divorce papers or something?"

"Unless I declare mental incapacity given that you went through a traumatic series of events within the last twenty-four hours and this could possibly be a very serious lapse in judgement." He argues and I stare at him.

"Stop pulling my dick."

"I'm not 'pulling your dick.' I just don't want you to make this decision and then regret it when your head clears."

I managed to wear him down and by the next morning, he left the papers by Tommy's door after Vince mentioned to me that Viv stayed over there with Tommy and Heather.

When I get home, Karen opens the door and looks at me, wide eyed and confused.

"H-Hey?" She says as I push past her and go to the phone, opting to change my answering machine.

"Hey, it's Nikki." I say. "I'm not here because I'm dead."

Karen just looks at me, astounded, and I go to my room, slamming the door.

I was good and tired and glutton for punishment because I got home that night and loaded up the biggest shot of smack I could muster and pulled the trigger.

I wake up with a sharp pain in the crook of my arm, a needle still in my skin as blood trails my forearm to collect in my palm...Jesus fucking Christ, I've officially lost it.

I take the needle out and force myself up to trudge to the living room to check my messages.

Things like, "You're an asshole," and "that's not funny," tend to be the common theme.

I guess I need to change my answering machine.

I comb through to see if I have anything from Viv.

Now would be a good time to hear her bitch me out for almost making her kill herself--because, lets face it, she's gonna blame it on me, anyway.

Nothing's found, though.

"Fuck, Vivian." I sigh out, sitting on the carpet in the living room, rubbing my forehead as a new message comes on…

"You fucker, you would be the one to fucking OD and die and then get up right after and file for divorce as if she doesn't have enough shit going on, already."

I furrow my brows at the voice.

"Axl the Twat?" I say aloud, confused, as he finishes with, "fuck you, you fucking fuck."

He hangs up and I raise my brows.

Did I die and wake up in a parallel universe? Axl defending Vivian?

Is this hell?

It cuts to the last message.

"Hey, umm...I don't know if you'll get this or not or if…" Vanity. "...I don't know what's going on but I heard something terrible on the radio and I suppose it was true--well, kind of, um…" she sighs. "We're not together anymore and I get that I just hope you're o--"

"Fuck that." I grumble, hitting delete.

I fall back and I look up at myself.

It's fucked that I bought this fucking house for Viv, and she's not even staying in it anymore.

I feel like I promised her so much and haven't given a damn thing to her except reasons to want to throw herself off of balconies.

I look down at my arm, dried blood still on my skin.

I'm fucking tired of this shit.

I let my complete exhaustion of being sick fuel me to dig through everything I own and throw out all of my rigs, any other drugs in my path, and even pour everything to get drunk off of down the sink--even the fucking cooking-wine.

Vivian's somewhere catching the holy spirit, probably, just sensing I'm finally fucking done.

Or she's somewhere in tears over me finally taking the final step to end our relationship.

I feel like it's dead in every way aside from legal.

Whisky's laying by the door, whining when I step over him to go throw the big garbage bag out.

I'd get down there and whine for her, too, but I know this is what needs to be done.

Our entire relationship has just been one giant clusterfuck, and I don't want to put her through the bullshit of having to try to forgive me and trust me, again.

I think I've already stolen enough of her peace of mind.

She'll be happier with Duff, anyway. He's a good guy. A hell of a lot more suited for her than I am.

My hand rubs the back of my neck and I realize I'm still wearing the small crucifix of her's.

I'm tempted not to give it back.

I just sigh and throw the trash out and get back in the house, getting in the shower.

When I get out, I ruffle a towel through my hair, seeing the light blinking on my answering machine.

I go over and try to keep myself from getting too excited at the thought of it being Viv before I hit play on my messages.

"Nikki, it's Doc. I know you feel like horseshit right about now but I need you to come down to the office at 5:00p.m., we're getting you guys together because we need to talk. See you then--preferebly kinda sober and coherent."

Turns out I'll have my ass chewed by Doc before Viv, after all.

I know he came down to the hospital and tore Slash and the guys new ones while I was unconscious.

I'm digging in my garbage for a couple pills to dull down my future shakes that I just know are gonna be coming before sundown.

Despite being not in shape to fucking drive anywhere, I still go because I know if I don't go, Doc will come here and I don't need him here.

It's morbid walking into the office to see Vince, Tommy, and Mick sitting and waiting for me while Doc sits behind his desk.

"Fuck me." I complain out loud, dreading what Doc's about to go on about.

"Sit." Doc tells me and I plop down beside Tommy, sighing, and Doc waits a minute before saying, "I canceled the European tour."

"What?" Vince asks and Mick furrows his brows.

"What the fuck, Doc--"

"--Shut the fuck up and listen." He cuts me off while Tommy nervously shakes his leg. "If you bastards go to Europe, one of you will come back in a body bag. And I'm not gonna be the fucking manager that runs Mötley Crüe into the ground." He states harshly.

"That's a fucking first." I laugh out, meanly, and Doc glares at me. "Guess dead rockstars don't make as much money as alive ones, huh? I coulda told ya that after Razzle--"

"--Nikki." Mick states.

"Where's my wife?" I snap next.

"Oh, the one you so stupidly filed for divorce from without giving me a heads up first? Probably with her friends that haven't put her through the ringer and fucked her over time and time again." He states.

"I didn't know I needed permission to make decisions in my personal life--that have nothing to do with Mötley Crüe."

"Are you two just gonna argue or are we gonna actually talk about why we're here because I have things to do." Vince grumbles.

"Tommy came to me and told me he's thinking about rehab." Doc tells us and I glance at Tommy, who's avoiding looking at anybody. "I'm not taking Mötley Crüe on tour again, in a studio, whatever, until you guys get your act together."

We all look at each other, exhaling, and I rub my lips together.

"Fine." Vince sighs, and Doc looks at Tommy.

He nods.

"Nikki?" Doc asks and I just stare at him.

The guys are gone in a few minutes, leaving just me and Doc and I stand up.

"I wanna see Viv." I tell Doc as he digs through some files, and he looks up and blinks from behind his desk,

"She said she's not seeing you until you get help." Doc states.

"She says that but I bet I could find her tonight and still get her under me in less than three minutes."

"Assuming she's not still under Duff." Doc says and I tense up. "You think I didn't notice how questionably close they got on tour?" He adds.

"She's going through a crisis." I reply.

"Can't imagine why." He mumbles.

"Just tell me where she's at, Doc." I snap.

"You look like shit. You need to go home and get some fuckin' rest because you're all checking in tomorrow afternoon." He adds.

"I'm not going anywhere until I see my wife."

"You mean the wife you filed for divorce from?" He questions and I roll my jaw. "Your wife is resting. You should, too."

1981

I fumble for my key to the apartment, cussing under my breath when I can't get the door opened.

"Motherfucker." I hiss, finally getting it unlocked and shoving it open…

I slam it shut and toss my keys across the room, hearing Tommy and Vince's room door creak open.

Vivian crosses her arms, a scowl on her face, her hair tousled from sleep.

"Could you be any louder?" She snaps, shutting the door behind her, going to the kitchen.

My eyes run up and down her long legs as she heads that way, only in one of Tommy's t-shirts and panties.

Fuck. Me.

I go to grab the bottle of Jack on the counter, taking a sip as she gulps some water down, a droplet escaping the glass as she drinks, rolling down her chin to her neck and I watch it, my burning throat getting dry as I try to pull myself together, my prick starting to push against my pants.

Damnit.

It's like the sane part of myself is trying to slap the hopelessly horny part of me.

She's fucking evil, dude, fuck off, I tell myself.

She's hot.

You hate each other.

I wonder what weird shit she's into in bed.

She's a bitch. You know she's a bitch. Leave her alone.

Oh, I forgot she's supposedly a virgin.

Go to bed, dumbfuck. GO TO BED.

That means I get to watch her experience stuff for the first time.

I end up chuckling, amused at the thought of seeing her pretty eyes roll in her head as pleasure bombards her for the first time.

"What?" She snaps, and I realize I've been staring at her.

I'm about to answer until I get caught up at the sight of her nipples peering through her shirt...fuck me.

"Nikki," she shoves at my shoulder, making me take my eyes off of her chest.

She just scoffs.

"Go touch yourself in the bathroom or something. Jesus." She puts the glass down and walks past me to go back to Tommy's room.

See? Evil.

I ignore the voice of reason and I catch her wrist and stop her, yanking her closer to me.

She looks like a deer in headlights for a minute before I'm grabbing at her hair closest to her neck and pulling her to me, kissing her.

It's a pretty clean kiss, no tongue, no mess, just testing the waters.

She doesn't push me away or beat me up like I always thought she would do, instead, when I pull away for a moment, she takes a breath, wide eyed, before grabbing me by my jacket, pulling me back in.

I'm surprised but I don't let it get in the way, taking lead a little to guide her.

For someone who's never been kissed before (again, allegedly) she's not awful at it like I expected--well, I didn't expect her to be awful because she's never kissed anybody, I expected her to be awful because she's so mean to me.

Her hands push my jacket off my shoulders and I push my tongue past her lips, coaxing a quiet moan from her.

Holy shit.

My hands go to her ass and she grasps at my hair as I pick her up, her legs wrapping around me.

Just to see if we're on a standard starting basis of common interests, I lift one of my hands and bring it back down, not too hard, but hard enough, and she hums, fucking biting my bottom lip and grinding into me a couple times.

I have to keep from creaming my pants just by her moving against me.

You're being stupid, I tell myself, but I can't bring myself to leave her alone now.

She's been the forbidden fruit or whatever for months now and I just gotta have it.

I take her to my room and kick the door shut with my foot, taking her to the shitty mattress on the floor.

I drop her onto it, seeing her in the glow of streetlights.

"Take your shirt off." I say, lowly, and she rubs her lips together and slowly pulls it over her head, her bare chest exposed and my dick's practically throbbing at this point.

I take her crucifix in my hand, and she looks down at it as I lick my lips.

She unfastens it and throws it aside.

I lean down and kiss her again, trailing down her neck, my tongue against her skin and she gasps out a sharp breath, her hands pulling at my shirt.

I take it off and she's sitting up and running her palms over my shoulders, down my chest, and I grasp her around her throat, pushing her back to the mattress and I feel a little shiver go up her spine.

My tongue circles one of her nipples and she lets out bated breaths as I take it between my teeth.

She moans, loudly, and I move my hand to her mouth.

"Shh!" I say. "You're gonna wake them up." I add and she nods.

I do the same to her other breast, with my hand over her mouth, but then I get an idea.

A glorious, completely selfish idea.

I take my hand off of her mouth and smirk before kissing the middle of her chest, one of her top ribs, biting into it, hard, making her scratch at my shoulder while covering her own mouth as a sharp moan is forced from her.

I run my tongue over the bite mark and continue down her stomach, stopping at the top of her panties, glancing at her.

She's still breathing heavy, hands covering her chest, tilting her head to see me.

I run my hand over her clothed core, a little noise coming from her throat, feeling a big wet spot over her cunt.

She lifts her hips and starts pulling them down and I take them and discard them, running my fingertips up the inside of her thigh before I rub my thumb around her clit that's slickened wet.

Her hands jolt to mine between her legs, her back arching, trying her hardest not to be loud.

I tug her to the edge of the mattress, and grab one of her hands, replacing mine with it before I'm looming over her for a moment. "Touch yourself." I tell her, my lips brushing against hers and I can tell she's blushing under the dark of the room. "C'mon, it's hot, just do what feels good." I add, my lips pressing against hers for a moment before I feel her hand move, a delicate gasp coming from her and I pull my lips from hers to watch her face.

Her eyes close, her head tilts back while her other hand tangles in her hair.

I stand up to take my pants off, grabbing at my painfully hard cock when she bucks her hips against her frail fingers.

"Nikki," she says, eyes still shut, head back, and I rub my hands down my face.

We haven't even fucked yet and I can already tell she's gonna make me a fucking idiot.

I get my pants off and run my thumb over my tip and get some precum on it, leaning down and holding it up to her lips.

"Hold your tongue out," I tell her and she opens her eyes and looks at me, before doing as I say.

The pad of my thumb rubs it over her tongue and she lets out a satisfied sigh, looking up at me as I lick her spit off my thumb.

I get back up on my feet for a moment and she gets up and crawls to the foot of the bed, her eyes on my prick, hunger in her eyes…

Nice try, evil bitch, you're not stealing my soul by sucking it through my dick.

I grab her hair and make her look at me.

"Lay down." I tell her and doesn't argue, eyes still ravenous…

I kiss up her kneecap to her thigh, sliding up and up until--

"Oh, fuck!" She whimpers out when my tongue swirls her clit around, getting the first taste of Saint Viv.

My eyes are the ones to roll back, now.

Holy shit.

It's good because she's Satan and needs something to trap you with, that little voice comes back.

Her hands find my hair, her lips find my name and if I don't get ahold of myself, I'll be finding God based on this experience alone.

Apparently she's finding him right now because all she can muster out is, "oh, God."

I find a good rhythm with my tongue, her pussy starting to grind against my face as teasing, little sultry moans flutter through the room.

After a minute I feel her body tense up, and I pat myself on the back as she comes, my tongue lapping at her entrance to get drunk off of her, my hands running over her stomach and thighs.

Vivian claims we just went right into sex without doing anything aside from making out before hand but I distinctly remember going down on her. She must've blacked out once she realized we were about to fool around or something but I remember that happening because it was something I'd dreamed up doing ever since I met her, creepy but honest.

I pry myself from her to grab a rubber behind the head of the mattress, the both of us pulling ourselves up there.

I get it on and turn over, getting on top of her.

She's already hooking her legs around me before I even line myself up with her.

She looks like she's high or drunk, eyes nearly shut, her lip between her teeth, her head tilted slightly, exposing her neck.

I lean down and kiss her neck, her skin damp with sweat and she sighs.

I rub my tip against her opening and she closes her eyes.

I push into her, having to coach myself through because fuck her pussy is tight, and she winces, her mouth opening but nothing coming out. I'm about to ask her if she's alright when she speaks first.

"Take it off." She tells me.

"What?"

"The condom, take it off."

"Are you trying to trap me or something?" I snap at her.

"I wanna feel you." She tells me softly, and I guess it's kinda sweet, or primal, whatever.

I pull out of her and take the condom off, dropping it by the bed before I'm pushing back into her.

We both moan, and I can feel her body stretching to accommodate my entrance, her face showing pain.

I pullout again, but before I can get out completely, she pulls me back in with her legs, letting out a high pitched breath.

More of her juices coat over my cock.

"Fuck, Vivian," I say it, thrusting into her again and she wraps her arms around my back, hugging me to her, and my lips find hers as I push into her again, and again, roughly, the feeling of heaven washing over me each time I go back inside her.

I make her take every inch, forcing myself to fit the last inch and a half despite her body not having room, and she writhes underneath me.

"I think I'm bleeding." She tells me breathlessly and I think she wants me to back off or get off her, but when I go to, she says, "No, keep going, it feels good."

The look on her face is a clear indication that she's into it.

I'm kind of shocked that churchy Vivian is into the same shit I'm into, and I grab her throat, again, and kiss her, our tongues moving together.

"I wanna get on top next." She tells me through moans.

"Why?" I ask.

"I wanna see it." She says and I furrow my brows for a second before I catch on.

I'm rolling off of her and onto my back, my hands running up her thighs and waist when she gets on top of me, and I grab myself as she straddles me, pushing it against her before my hands pull her down onto me.

She screws her eyes shut, as she sinks down to the hilt, her thighs shaking, and I hit her ass cheek as hard as I can and she gets so tight around me I can't pull out until she relaxes.

"You can't do that shit." I tell her harshly, biting back my urge to go ahead and come, and she relaxes a little more as my hands hold at her waist, guiding her movements since she's never done this before.

"Does it feel good?" I ask her, her little moans and whimpers getting me even more hot and bothered.

"Yes," she nods, tipping her head back. "So good."

I look between us, clear view of her pussy taking it, and I sigh.

"It looks good, too." I tell her and she leans down over me, her forehead against my chest as she watches me fuck her for a moment before looking at me, kissing me sloppily, her chest pressing against mine making her sigh when her nipples brush against my skin.

When she pulls away, I'm sticking two fingers in her mouth, taking her by surprise but she starts sucking on them in a second, and I force them down her throat, making her gag, as I start pounding into her, making her nearly shriek out but I gag her with my hand around her throat.

"You're so pretty." I tell her, spit all down her chin from choking on my fingers, eyes nearly shut, my hand around her throat, and I glance down between us, licking my lips. "That pussy's pretty, too." I add and she cries out when my other hand starts rubbing at her clit.

I take my hand from her throat and she gasps for air.

"Nikki, I'm--"

She can't finish.

I roll onto her again, getting on my knees and lift her hips, continuing to hammer into her roughly and her eyes go to the back of her head, as her cum soaks the both of us.

Why the fuck didn't she tell me she can come like that?

I feel myself reaching my own end and go to pull out but she tugs me onto her, kissing me, her legs snaking around me.

At first I don't think she realizes I'm about to blow my kids everywhere, then when I try to pullout, she says, "do it in me, I've heard it feels good."

I look at her like she's crazy because it's something I'd never expect her to say.

"Please, Nikki, let me have it."

I don't have time to argue because I'm finishing with a grunt and a satisfied smile at the sight of tears of pleasure in her eyes before her lids screw shut, her mouth open as a moan leaves her, her body sparking off with shivers.

I let her have it.

"You're a slut." I tell her, thrusting into her a couple more times and she hums at my words.

"Shut up." She says next and I kiss her one last time before rolling off of her.

She pulls the covers over her chest and closes her eyes, tired, and I watch her for a moment.

Okay, she may not be a slut, but I know she's gonna be able to get away with murder and I'm gonna let her because she's fucking Vivian.

I ran myself into my own grave, but heroin and Vivian were major catalysts, but I know I was a catalyst for her own rock bottom, too. We were just too fucking young to know better, I guess. We fell in love and got hooked on playing house without actually stopping to think what all it would look like. Of course, neither of us expected me to be on smack, neither of us expected me to reach the level of stupidity that I reached with Vanity, and neither of us expected her to be conceiving a lovechild while I was next door dying, and I certainly didn't expect to file for divorce first, if at all. I remember that first night together in that shitty apartment got me hooked on her. Not just sex, I actually started listening to what she had to say after that, and wanting to have conversations, and hangout...I fell in love and she made it easy for me to. It was like boiling a frog. Things got worse and worse slowly overtime until BAM! I had Vanity, crack, and junk, and Vivian had Duff and a secret savings account she didn't think our lawyer would get record of. I was pissed, but I knew it was my fault.

All of it was.

I had promised her the world and instead stole everything from her like a life-sucking demon.

She wasn't the evil, manipulative bitch.

I was.

#nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug

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ldyinblckmsk · 4 years

Text

Pairing: Todoroki Shouto X GN! Reader

Genre: Angst

Words: 1k

A/N: Hey guys! welp this is my first time finishing a story. Yep, I'm a sucker for angst. I have so many plots in mind and all of them were just sleeping in my drafts ugh. This may not be a good one but I'm quite proud of myself for writing this one. I hope this gets attention ohmygod. Enjoy!

I wanted to make ya'll cry, so listen with this song.

----------------------------------------------

Everything is a blur. You were just outside of your house, sitting at the floor in your front porch with another can of beer on your hand. Crumbs of chips are everwhere on the floor together with five cans of beer that was making a mess. The cold breeze of the night makes you shiver and the alcohol isn't enough to warm you. It's not like you don't want to go inside your house. You just can't.

Because today seems like the devil is casting you a curse with ridiculous bad lucks you encountered, enjoying your torments as you make fool of yourself. Burning your liver with the bitter concoction as your mind wandering to the sole reason why you were out of yourself lately.

You didn't even know how you end up with a cellphone in your hand, dialing a familiar number as you squint your eyes trying to clear your vision. You found yourself laughing as you tried to copy the ringing of your phone while waiting for him to pick up.

Todoroki is surprised when he saw your number on the screen. He thought that you already deleted his contact when the two of you called it off last month. Confused as to why you're calling him at 3 AM, he picked up his phone, eyes still adjusting in the dark.

"Hello?"

On the third ring, you nearly jumped when you heard his calm and deep voice, excitement course through every veins in your body. His groggy voice gave away that you woke him up. Heart beating than the usual rhythm against your rib cage, you exhaled the air you didn't know you were holding before you speak.

"Hey!" You cringed when you heard your voice rising its pitch. Oh shit, that sounds like a mouse that had been caught in a trap!

"I'm glad you picked up, Shou." You giggled at the cute nickname, slurring some words that gives him a hint that you're drinking. You're drunk to the point that you're doing things that you'll regret when you wake up. "I thought you're not going to answer me hmp." You pout, your cringey childish self showing up.

"Y/n?" He's confused, checking his phone if it's really your number who called him and not some teenager's prank.

"It's already late. Why are you still up?" His concerned voice makes your heart clench.

"I want your hugs right now, Shou."

"Hey, did something happened? Are you okay?" You shushed him, shaking your head. "I'm fine. I just wanted to tell you that I missed you and I'm sorry."

"I missed our lazy date nights. I missed your cuddles. I missed the smell of your cologne. I missed how you ruffles my hair while you placed a kiss on my forehead. I missed wearing your hoodies..."

You let your drunken self take over you allowing yourself to verbalize all your true feelings you've been hiding.

"I missed you, love." You bitterly smiled at the endearment you used. It brings back thousands of memories you didn't want to forget but you didn't want to also remember either. It's just there locked in a box somewhere in your heart but you're conversation with him released all of it. And every single of them pricked your heart like needles.

The bi-colored hair man didn't know what to say. Hell, he can't even think properly. You're drunk and you're telling him your sober thoughts. He thought you're completely over with him, seeing you smiling while you're hanging out with your friends like nothing happened broke him apart. And yet here you are confessing to him.

"C-can I go see you?"

"No." You were taken aback with his immediate reply. Nodding to yourself as you let out a chuckle. You're proud to yourself that you're still not crying, always so good at hiding your emotions.

"It's late, go to sleep." His voice is cold and distant. But you didn't let it affect you as you shoot your shot again.

"I-I'll bring lots of your favorite soba. Cold ones are always perfect, right? Just wait, I'll get a ta—" He cuts you off. You heard a painful sigh from the other line.

"Y/n, We...already broke up." Hearing those words makes the alcohol in your body immediately disappear. With those sentence, you instantly sober up. "We broke up. Month ago."

He repeated like he's trying to make you remember it. It was just a misunderstanding. He's aloof and oblivious personality didn't understand your outbursts. You did trust him but his constant hanging out with Momo riled up your insecurities. And funny how they are a couple now.

"Yeah and I'm wasted." You chuckled as you began to cry, quietly, biting the inside of your cheeks while trying to control your emotions.

"Don't come here. You need to sleep. Drink lots of water when you wake up. We'll talk tomorrow–"

You cut him off before he hangs up, hands fiddling the hem of your shirt. "You know... it's been a rough day. Everyone's being mean to me."

Silence answers you but you still continue ranting to him. "I nearly got fired for standing up for myself when a customer throws her coffee on me because I accidentally messed up her order. T-then, I-I lost my fucking keys and it's cold."

"I lost the keys of my house."

You're having a hard time controlling your emotions now as you complained to him like a whiny child. Tears slowly cascading down your cheeks while you let out sobs.

"It's cold, Shou. I'm cold. And everything hurts. I wish you were here right now but, yeah, we already broke up." You didn't let him talk. "Just so you know I'm happy for you even if it's her."

"I'm right. Momo's better for you."

You were just sitting there, at the corner of your front porch. Deeps uncontrollable sobs squeezed your lungs. Your phone long forgotten as it slips from your hand and met the cold floor while you completely breaks down. You hugged your knees tightly burrying your head, serving as your emotional support now.

Pretending that you're already moved on from your heart ache. Smiling and fooling yourself that you didn't want him anymore. Saying you're fine when you found out that he's recently dating Momo.

All the pent up emotions you've been keeping from showing explodes like a burning magma finding its way out of the volcano. The cold air hits you again and this makes you grieve louder while shivering at the sudden drop of temperature.

Bullshit.

Out of your shrieks of anguish, clock hitting another hour you spent outside, phone still light up with your ongoing call with him, wind hitting your pitiful state, slowly and smoothly, tiny crystals glowing when lights hit it just right–snow descends from the sky.

"Fucking keys," you cursed. Eyes already heavy as Hypnos cradles you to sleep.

#todoroki shōto #bnha todoroki #todoroki x reader #bnha x reader #bnha #bnha angst

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honeyymistt · 3 years

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[1/2] hey, okay, it's me again. i feel like i'm treating you like an unpaid therapist but idk where to share this and how to get help (this is kinda lengthy, and i do apologise for that)

i think i'm running out of patience for myself on how to live with myself; all my favourite artists and fictional characters experience this same hollow loneliness but they just— keep going..... despite it all. i'm trying to keep busy with studying but that quickly led to an all-nighter and now i can't fall asleep despite my exhaustion. i think the goals i've had in mind for myself are too high, so i'm just going to spend the next week reading without shame or guilt and try to finally start learning russian. i don't really take care of my physical fitness bc i'm always tired and i feel like all my energy is spent on keeping in check with eating and taking care of my physical hygiene. i have so much time each day and yet at the end of the day i still feel like i did nothing even though i read and studied a lot. i just feel like i'm stagnated, still in my 16-year-old teenage mind bc i spent my youth numbing myself bc i couldn't stand my own thoughts. i havent talked to anyone really, besides my famil, in weeks, and i know loneliness is a common feeling most of us carry with us, but since i'm not very smart and don't know about a lot of things that matter, like history and art, i just feel so inadequate because all these people i look up to, and secretly aspire to be, are fundamentally different from me. they have rich inner lives even in times of despair, they know how to build their own lives in the rubble and just keep on going despite it all. i just feel like a shell of a human being (dramatic i know). i'm also aware that i'm highly privileged and don't have to worry about money and housing, etc. and i'm grateful for that but despite that I just hate myself and I wish I could be someone else and change; I've tried to over the past years but i never make any actual changes in my life? I don't want to die per se, I just don't want to keep on living like this.

[2/2] also, with the looming climate desaster and our world being ruled by capitalism i know a lot of worries and problems stem from that;;;; also i've had this very embarrassing conversation with my family a month ago; i was very drunk and ofc started talking about capitalism, etc. and lgbtq rights. they're very conservative, smart and well-read and i'm just the complete opposite— my point being, bc i feel so desperately lonely i'm trying to have these conversations with the people around me that are obviously only really meant to be had with close pals and not with 60 year olds who only care about the bootstrap theory etc. anyway my grandmother called me out on my bs and said "so what have you done in your life so far?" nothing. i shouldn't complain about other people, politics etc. and the patriarchal, white supremacist strucures around us bc i've never worked a day in my life...... it's just. i know she's right. but like i literally don't know how to hold conversations anymore and can never recall stuff i read accurately so i'm just talking shit the whole time. i'm so desperately trying to get their approval but i'm just not well-read and smart enough. i know being dumb is not the worst thing to be, i'm alive and living in a well-situated area, but it's the only thing i used to define myself with. my parents expected a lot of us as children and i couldn't deliver. so i pretty much forced them to stop pressuring me but i wish they did now. bc then i would be smart, worldly and have a bright future. i'm sorry for the long rambling. i also don't want to ruin your feed by my long asks...... anyway, if you have any advice i would be so glad to hear it. bc i feel like i'm going slightly insane. -💌 sorry for doing this <33 🤠 feel free to just delete this;;;

hi 💌-anon!!!

don't feel bad for sending this in. your long post is going to have a long answer and it ruining my feed is literally the last thing on my mind. if it bothers people, that's on them ;) similarly to the last ask you sent in, i kind of just pulled out a few things that you wrote and decided to give my perspective on it. i hope that reading some of my (very scrambled) thoughts will relax your mind and heart just a little bit. everything will be okay, i promise.

so the first thing that stood out to me was when you mentioned how all of your favorite fictional characters just keep on going when they feel lonely and i know how frustrating that can be because it's so glorified. they just keep going and then boom! things are better, right? i want you to remember that this is fiction and not an accurate representation of how hard the feeling of loneliness actually hits. so try not to compare yourself to your favorite character and beat yourself up if you're not dealing with loneliness as well as they did because everything in fiction is better and easier.

as for feeling exhausted because of the goals you've made for yourself, i know what you mean. i'm such a perfectionist and workaholic (i suffered from such bad burn out this year). i'm learning how to lower them as well. it's good to be ambitious. it's amazing to have big dreams and goals but you have to prepare yourself for setbacks and failure. so from now on, it's decided that you and me, are going to be accountability buddies. no more unrealistic goals and deadlines. i will hold you accountable, you will hold me accountable and we'll improve together 🤍

so you don't know about things like history and art and you claim that these are things that matter. but matter to who? are you genuinely intrigued by these things? if you are, then study it. read about it. ask questions. but if they just matter to your family, then i really don't think you need to know about these things extensively. it's always good to know things generally but if you aren't interested, then don't waste your time learning about it just to please others.

i could be completely wrong, but from what i understood from your message, you feel really lonely and you're starting to feel a bit stuck. you're surrounded by people who are different from you and that sometimes makes you feel suffocated because the conversations you want to have aren't wanted by others. the first thing i noticed in your message is that you repeatedly call yourself stupid or dumb. you need to stop that, okay? if you keep telling that to yourself, it will destroy a lot of opportunities for you. trust me, i know. you will turn down opportunities thinking that you're not smart enough for it but it's not true. you don't need to be smart to have a bright future. you can be creative, you can athletic, you can be selfless, you can be funny. maybe you just need to embrace who you are and trust that you will have a bright future by just being you. i'll tell you something: you don't need to be exactly like your family to have their success. you need a determination and a good work ethic. where do you start? stop underselling your intelligence. believe in yourself!!!

P.S i can tell that you're smart because your vocabulary is out of this world!!! and oh my god, can we talk about your punctuation? like bestie, you're ahead of the game. i also had to google what the bootstrap theory is. you are smarter than you give yourself credit for!!

another thing i would encourage you to do is to avoid "deep" conversations with your family. if your family is very conservative, there are going to be certain topics that they just won't understand and it might make you frustrated or feel misunderstood; it might make you feel more lonely. i would advise you to just stick to more lighthearted conversations with them. it's not that you don't know how to hold conversations, it's just that the people you're talking to aren't the right listeners.

my sweet 💌-anon, times like these are normal! we all feel lonely at times and i know it's tough and it's frustrating and you feel like nothing in your life is going to work out but i promise you, it will. the universe has it's way of doing that. if i could, i would give you the chance to see yourself the way i see you - full of potential, warm-hearted, and so so deserving of a good life filled with love, caring people and success. times are tough, but so are you. you haven't made it this far to only come this far!! remember that i'm here for you every step of the way and you can message me any time you need to. i will never delete it or ignore you. i love talking to you <3

#chat with honeyymistt #i’m SO sorry this took me SO LONG #but thank u for being patient #this is probably going to be the longest post i have but i literally don’t care hehe #we’ll get through this together #i love u #my new accountability buddy 🥰

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ladyaceofspades · 3 years

Text

The recent drama:

So I dropped one of my good friends. We had dated when I was 18 for a few weeks and I dumped him because he wouldn't get on the phone to talk to me, so I dipped. In the years that followed, he would come back every so often, try to woo me away from Matt, then eventually get angry and leave. He left and came back like 3 times. We've gone through spells where we would be super buddy buddy, or we wouldn't talk for months. He was my game buddy, although he would drive me insane because he would just do every mission and just drag me along for the fun of it.

While I was with Matt, T was very helpful. He would let me vent to him and he would validate my feelings, and when I was happy, he would remind me of all the awful things Matt did so I would stay strong against him. His line was "you're unhappy" and it worked because I was at the time. Even then, though, I knew he had feelings for me and he would tell me how much he loved me. When Matt and I broke up, I got into a relationship with my husband, Benjas, and T got into a relationship with Amber.

T came around again, spouting the same thing. He loves me, will always love me, wants to be with me, but will respect my relationship...even though his fiancé, Amber had started living with him then. Our friendship did the cycle again, until he overstepped on a FB post of mine, and I put him in his place. I blocked him on FB, he confronted me about it, and I told him why it had to happen: that what he said was totally inappropriate, it made Benjas angry and me angry, and his or my family could've seen it and it caused problems for us. T's comeback was "in all the years I've known you, you've never let a man tell you what to do". I did not stand for that and had to explain 3 times why what he said was bad and why it wasn't acceptable. He finally understood and asked that I text every so often so he knows I'm ok.

I didn't text for a few months. Recently, he tried to reach out through text, and email (forgot he had my email so that was a surprise). When that didn't work, he had his friend Gabe message me, and Amber friended me on FB (she had had me blocked on and off for years). By then, I was hella creeped out. Apparently, T had "a bad feeling" that something bad had happened to me and he had a dream something happened to me, and broke down to Amber and told her he missed me so, according to him, she added me out of jealousy and to see what he and I said to each other on FB (we weren't friends on there so she would've see nothing). Anyway, his actions and him getting his people to reach out to me made me rethink some things, and it also made me listen to my intuition harder, which said that he was full of it and lying. I started to wonder if what he was telling me was true, so I chatted with Amber about it and it was like we were getting two different stories. For example, Amber was moving out because she needed assisted living help and T was telling me that if she moved out, they would probably break up (it went from probably to definitely break up) and he would cut the ties completely, whereas Amber was under the impression that T would still be there for her and that they might break up but it was a low chance. Other things like he was blaming my husband for why I wasn't talking to him, and when I told Amber about it, she got angry about it (understandably).

When I talked to him and told him that I can't trust him when my intuition is telling me that he's lying and it's been proven so we should takea break from being friends, he told me that he wouldn't be coming back or be there for me anymore. I said that that was fine, as if the person going back to someone wasn't him coming back to me every time.

Anyway, I creeped his FB page one more time and he posted

Which essentially is him taking some of the accountability for everything but he's putting a lot of it on me, when I wanted nothing to do with him at all for awhile and I TRIED with the super quick responses or no responses at all. He says he's been used, but he wouldn't respect my marriage even though I told him he needed to and he said he would. I kept saying "I love you like a friend" but he wouldn't listen. How is that my fault? I'm really angry that I'm being blamed for shit I didn't do because he can't face that part of himself.

Not to mention, he has GREATLY overestimated his place in my life (or as my friend Leighann says, his market value). He was needed at some point, but after the FB thing, it became incredibly apparent that he never respected me as a person or as anything else other than a possible future lover, that he put me on a pedestal, and he never considered that I moved on in my emotions. I mean, I got MARRIED to the love of my life and this POS was still trying to chase me, and recently had gone back to telling me how unhappy I was, when I'm not. It was surreal to be told "you're unhappy" multiple times in a short period of time and my brain went "what? No we're not". Whatever mind game he tried to run on me again didn't work this time.

Anyway, here's the shit Amber texted me when I asked her why she friended me again:

Versus what he texted me about everything:

So....why the gap in stories? I confronted him about what his friends said to her too, and he complained that you can't control your friends so I couldn't hold that against him. Well, in reality, you set the standard for how your friends act around you, and you set the boundaries about your SO, so his friends shouldn't have been telling her that she looked like me or anything. He also told me not to trust her, but I felt like she didn't have an agenda with me, until the end. Now I find that they're staying together, or else why would he be apologizing to her publicly in multiple posts? Guess she bought his bullshit, and he doesn't want to be alone again. Lol whatever, let them be toxic together. Unfortunately, if he's done this once, he'll do it again (he did with another woman too apparently - an ex of a friend of his, he asked for pics of her and according to him he said "no nudes" but according to Amber, the woman said "no nudes"), so it'll only be a matter of time until he either tries to come after me again, or he finds someone else in his town to go after. I've blocked him on almost everything, blocked her as well, so neither of them can come back in my life. I'm just a little worried about those old nudes of mine he still has...I don't think he'd do anything but I almost told Amber about them so she would get him to delete them. I guess, worst case is I could always sue if he puts them on a p0rn site...

Sorry I needed to get this shit off my chest. I know people's opinions shouldn't matter to me, but they do, especially when I'm being blamed for everything and the person who ACTUALLY set everything in motion is refusing to take responsibility for it.

I'll do a cord cutting spell or a binding or something after we move to the new apartment so they don't come back.

#me #cutting out toxicity #wishing them the best

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