#i have no friends and get extreme anxiety talking to anyone online anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jokerbats-exposed · 6 months

Text

I was very hesitant and scared to post something like this, however I feel it is the right thing to do. I do not want this person to do this to anymore young women and I believe this needs to be talked about.

In 2019 I met online on the dating app OKcupid someone by the name of "Byron Brutons" his age would have been "28" in that year.

He was constantly changing his location on the app too.

When I met this person I was 19 years old, we became very good friends eventually best friends and I hadn't had the chance to properly meet face to face in real life apart from once due to pandemic restrictions.

I did notice that many times he was reluctant to video call however we were very close and I trusted him to eventually open up and tell him my personal struggles and traumas.

Me, believing the identity he told me decided to work with him on projects for "Jokerbats" (a "band" he is in. Despite from what I can see and from what he told me, nobody being in it anymore except him. And one of the members actually being dead and him pretending to be her. Obviously I have left Jokerbats now and am no longer in the band.) and eventually, much to his enthusiasm after knowing him two years, to move in to his flat and live with him.

I had never been to his area and do not know anyone there, I told him in depth my disabilities so he was well aware before I came and seemed very supportive of me and understanding constantly promising to help me and reassuring me.

We would talk every single day, oftentimes for hours on end on phonecalls. Me sharing my personal stories with him. I did notice that he was very reluctant to share anything personal for a long time, despite me doing the same.

It seemed as though I should trust him but he didn't have to trust me. Nevertheless, he constantly promised to be there for me and seemed completely truthful, I had no doubts at the time.

I moved in after knowing him two years with a lot of enthusiasm and happiness that I was to finally be with the person I loved the most - however even from day one I noticed something was very off.

Eventually as time went on the way he treated me got significantly worse.

He treated me with aggression and verbal abuse, which had me very taken aback as he was wonderfully kind online. At first I thought it may just be an occasional argument but it got very clear that this was one sided, and very blatant manipulation, lying, and an abuse of power dymanics, "hot and cold" red flags talking down to me like I am a child (which I am a literal baby compared to him. He was 45 years old When I was born) etc. Shouting and screaming outside my door and in the middle of the night. Believing the only reason I wanted to move away was because the street we lived on was loud, not due to his abuse.

He would also hug and kiss me without my consent which was extremely scary for me.

Knowing very well after conversations and trust in him that I have difficulties with anxiety and sensory issues due to my diagnosis which I was willing to explain in depth.

There were very minor things that could easily be talked over but instead I was shouted and sworn at and treated in a very ableist and demanding manner, even in public over this.

For example him going down the street, shouting and swearing at me, and me having to walk away from him on my own to get away from it, this happened a good few times.

He did things that would set off my PTSD and not care he was doing so, when I told him he would take great offence and abuse me.

There were MANY cases of this but when I asked him very minor things such as asking him to turn the volume down on very loud speakers that were not in use and buzzing while I was in the living room he would fly into a rage, apologise, then do the same thing the next day.

His response to such minor things was extremely disproportionate.

One of many examples was that I was shouted and screamed at for there being no curtains in the bathroom with a big open unfrosted window and me needing some up for privacy (one of countless things I was not told prior to moving in.) and when he bought curtains, which is a basic privacy need, I was made to feel immensely guilty over it and told over and over again "nobody would be as nice to you as me. Nobody would care about you as much as me."

I believe that even if I did not have any disabilities, which do not need to be explained or justified to anyone, that I would still have been treated wrongly by this person. I believe he was using these an excuse for his abuse.

After a short time of being there, I was told to "fuck off" multiple times threatened to be kicked out and made homeless and told by him I can't live with him.

I also had attacking comments disguised as concerns. For example my weight commented on very early on and told I was overweight with the guise of concern.

Some have suggested that he was using these snide comments to control my appearance to appeal more to him. I agree. He mentioned I "overate" and "put on more weight since I last saw you" he has absolutely no place to comment on my body or appearance, especially after these comments came from only living with him a couple days.

I have issues with trust, he was aware of this. and was repeatedly pushed and pressured into trusting him, made to feel very uncomfortable and upset.

He would quite literally spent all day every day including weekends on his PC, supposedly busy as a freelance graphic designer and would get extremely angry if I was to disturb him to ask about important things such as buying food and practicalities etc. I had no idea how much bills etc cost before I moved in (I have an entire backlog of messages where I asked questions of these) and was almost always persistently ignored and taken advantage of again and again.

We rarely communicated and when we did I was met with a lot of hostility and thus had my trust broken, when I told him about this I was shouted at, told to leave and repeatedly told that he was a "nice person" and he had "done so much for me"

As well as telling me that I was keeping him from his dreams supposedly, from living with him which we agreed to do and that I was "imagining everything". Obviously a lot of delusion was implied and the blame was turned on me, as if I was at fault for moving in and taking up space when he very much wanted me there from our online conversations.

Another example I remember was when he was shouting at me and then apologised and hugged me (without asking). I said I was very worried and scared and didn't know if I could trust him, his response to that was to stop hugging at me and scream at me again and tell me to "Go back to the way I felt before."

I have many screenshots etc saved, but at the moment it is far too upsetting and traumatic to dig everything out to show everyone. And the texts are not as bad as what he said to me in person of course. He's smart, he isn't going to out himself as an abuser and leave evidence that easily.

His flat was completely unlivable with multiple hazards, I was not given a proper view and was not told about the various issues it has and he blamed me moving in for him having less space, as well as getting abusive when I pointed out the many issues that the flat had although I tried to work with him to fix them.

I also come from a very long way away, I was completely new to his city and he knew this.

It was filthy with mould, a musty smell (including smelling strongly of urine) and cobwebs, broken appliances, no space due to his immense and dangerous hoarding etc.

I did not expect things to be perfect, but this was clearly abuse and manipulation but this isn't the first time I've experienced a person like this and I have found the longer you stay the worse it gets. I have been fortunate to have had abuse counselling so I can spot red flags a lot easier than most, of which there were none online, as he maintained a perfect persona.

For over two years of knowing him and speaking to him every day, there were no red flags. Not online or in real life, until I moved in with him.

Eventually friends made me see that things were worse than I thought and called out the police for me. As I was scared with a fear of no privacy and other things, I quite literally barricaded myself into a room.

I would also like to mention that he would hug and kiss me without my consent, he saw that as an okay thing to do despite how I did not want that. And I can guarantee that if I stayed it would have escalated.

He also complained a lot about the foreign students living nearby in a very clearly racist and prejudiced way and laughed at people at a gay bar we walked past and called them Tr*nnies.

I did actually tell him that wasn't okay and he went on a tirade about how he should be allowed to say whatever he wants.

So the "activism" he does is also performative and for appearances, he is extremely prejudiced Irl.

he also supposedly attended a local extinction rebellion meeting which I was actually close to informing them about him to be aware.

If all this was not bad enough, police found out that he was lying about his true identity.

His age according to the landlord was actually 65 almost 66.

Obviously I did notice he did not look his supposed age at all and the pictures used are old/edited, but he told me that this was due to health issues and disabilities from "traumatic incidents that physically aged him" which I believed at the time and did not want to question but which from all he has lied to me (and adamantly promised me he never lied when I asked him seriously more than once.) I am very dubious about this too. I was very shocked when I found his true age, I had a strong feeling he was older but not that old.

His real name is also not Byron it is "Andrew Paul Homer."

He is also known as Sebron Garity/Sebron Brutons.

I was never told the truth for 2 years and it took until police intervention for this to come to light.

I was living with this person, I thought that there was a 9 year age gap however there is in fact actually a FOURTY FIVE year age gap.

To put this into perspective, Andrew Paul Homer is old enough to be my GRANDFATHER.

I WAS TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. HE WAS SIXTY FIVE YEARS OLD.

I met him when I was a TEENAGER.

A man in his 60s wanted a romantic and sexual relationship with a TEENAGER.

And apparently its not illegal to lie about your age like this?

Even if he had treated me well, I would no longer persue the relationship if I found he was lying about his age and identity.

While I was (slightly) over 18, this is without a doubt predatory and grooming. It goes without saying.

He typed and acted like a 30 year old, knowing the slang/interests etc. It was VERY believable which leads me to believe he's done this to other women in the past and he also disguised himself to look younger too.

There was a very strong bond and trust, the strongest I have had with a non-family member. And was broken in a very scary way.

I genuinely believe this person is seeking young women who struggle with issues to manipulate. (as he told me he was also supposedly talking to a girl on anti depressants. And spoke to students at the local uni. And most likely there are probably others.)

What I also found extremely disturbing was that he only told me recently a band member from Jokerbats who I thought was alive for years, actually apparently died years ago and he is pretending to be this person, posting as her through her page. (Trixania Brutons. Who's real name was Cordelia Gaitens)

now from what he has done to me this could have disturbing implications.

This person is using his past trauma as an excuse to lie about his identity, and become abusive.

However, as someone who has suffered past trauma I have never done this and trauma is never an excuse to do this. Too many people like me are taken advantage of and it needs to end. I do not mind being public about this if I can raise awareness.

If it was not for my family and friends assuring me this was worse that I thought, I would still be there and I know things would have gotten worse. I spent time crying and in a bad mental state because of the way I was treated from his manipulating, not because I am "naturally like this." and "always negative" like he would tell me. My depression - WHICH WAS IMPROVING BEFORE I MOVED IN DUE TO HIS FALSE PROMISES OF A BETTER LIFE AND MAKING MUSIC ETC NONE OF WHICH CAME INTO FRUITION - was made worse by living with him.

This person knows about autism and yet threatened to kick me out over my sensory issues and not fully trusting him and what that comes with my conditions as he said "you are too ill to live with."

This is incredibly demeaning, imagine the same being told to someone with a physical illness, my mental health would not have declined as much if I had been treated properly and not manipulated and lied to. (my physical health also declined too. I suffer from CPTSD/Chronic fatigue syndrome/ME which was worsened by this. I had family members comment that my body was tense, I had swollen Lymph Nodes and aches/pain/shaking. my appearance got worse with my acne getting a lot worse while I lived with him etc. I also noticed large dark circles and my fatigue getting worse, muscle pain and a very physically weak feeling from the worry. And more. So there were many physical signs of stress) Living in a horrific environment that he had glossed over in the pics/vids he showed me to make it look nicer. He deliberately moved out his clutter and mess in the video he made of his flat showing me before I moved in, which was further complicated by the pandemic.

He was also wanting to register as my disability carer so he could make money from me.

I also see an intense irony in this, as I told him well in advance about my hardships yet I had no idea until I moved in with him that he had bad physical health issues. From what I saw these were severe, he was very frail and when we went out he needed a stick and would constantly walk slow, fall over on the street and had back problems etc.

He thought it was okay to undermine and abuse me for my mental health telling me I was "too ill to live with" but thought it was perfectly okay to never disclose his physical illnesses and expect me to accommodate that I suddenly found out about and wasn't prepared for, while not doing the same for me.

It seems almost he thought I would have no autonomy and couldn't speak for myself which is probably what he wanted from me without a doubt.

A few years ago I would have taken his abuse as gospel, however now I know I am capable and not a burden. He does not see fault in himself and used my health against me, which is of course gaslighting.

The police have told me if he does anything again he will be arrested and I have moved.

I do not have anything to gain myself from going public about this, but I want to warn other young women, please be VERY VERY aware of this person and people like him. He will appear extremely nice and caring even knowing him for years, promising you the world, but in real life, he is anything but.

Even if this friendship had been all in real life, the same would have happened and it has in my past experiences, unfortunately it is easier to hide your true self online.

I 100% believe if I had met him in real life he would have done the same as online and hid his true self until I moved in with him then started attacking me. So I firmly believe that the circumstances it made no difference.

Even for two whole years, which I have no idea why he didn't realise the truth would come out eventually.

After the police exposure, he sent very manipulative apologising texts. Saying he would have told me the truth but if he did he wouldn't think he would be friends (I wonder why?...)

He would say sorry in one text then in the next ask me for things back he had given me as gifts, which just further shows his ingenuity.

I have kept every text from these 2 years just in case it's needed.

He also went extremely far weaving his fake story, it was EXTREMELY believable and that paired with his charm obviously tricked me for over two years. He was quite happy to lie non-stop about pretty much everything, and look me in the eye with no guilt. I have no idea how he can even have a conscience.

If I expressed doubt and worry I was screamed at, sworn at and told "if you can't trust me then leave."

I am not a naive or gullible person, my disability does not make me this way. this was very well planned out and he pulled the wool over the eyes of relatives who I know are very intelligent as well as professionals. I lived in a supported accommodation beforehand and he managed to manipulate all the trained professionals who worked there into believing him and coming over to his side. I can't stress enough how incredibly dangerous this person is. He even managed to manipulate the police.

I was to plan a meeting for him to eventually meet my family, but he said he couldn't go because he was too busy, now I realise that he wouldn't want to see them in fear of being exposed.

I completely believe he is deliberately seeking young women who he sees as "naive and gullible" such as the young girl on antidepressants as these types of women are more easy to manipulate.

I find it absolutely sick he knew I had Post Traumatic stress disorder, and used that to his advantage to deliberately trigger me, hurt me, lie to me and gaslight me.

This person is absolutely vile and I honestly think he should not be allowed in society and justice should be served, which it sadly has not.

But when I stood my ground and refused to be pushed around, that's when he became aggressive.

There were slip ups of course, for example he told me about the old band he was in "Trashcan Soul and the cripples of rage." and when I looked them up they had released an album in the 80s. Which makes no sense as he would have been born after this era.

He had blamed the publisher and told me they made a mistake and it was actually published in 2009.

He always would run with this story that he was 30, he talked about video games from the 90s and pretended that he played them as a kid, I'm assuming to try and be more relatable to me which is very creepy. He is also very immature for his age. I cannot for the life of me figure out his thought processes, he very clearly needs mental help and if I'm being honest, jail time for what he has done.

What I am relaying in my post is just the things I know, I am VERY sure there is a lot he has done that has been hidden.

I noticed various inconsistencies in his stories. Dates not lining up etc. And when I told him this he got angry at me and said things such as "everyone makes mistakes" I noticed that when my trust started to wane I felt scared around him, and pointed that out, that is when the abuse worsened. As he must have known I was on to him.

He had my friends and family charmed and tricked too. Including mental health professionals (It is actually written in my notes to talk to him if I am feeling depressed. Because, obviously the NHS mental health team being who they are they have to relay their responsibility on to someone else without doing any background checks, but that's another issue.)

He also did things such as delay his covid vaccine (as its done in age ranges and at that time the around 30s were being done) to further push the lie that he was 30. Also he made a huge deal about how getting the vaccine was so important, which is obviously not true if he is willing to delay it with his delusion of being 35 years younger than he actually is.

He has lied in many places, if you look him up currently he is saying he is this 30 on all profiles.

This has not only caused me so much pain knowing the horrible truth about someone I was EXTREMELY close to after two years of non-stop lies, manipulation and deceit.

But it has also caused a huge loss in money for me. Hundreds of pounds I have wasted moving in with him, travelling etc that I will never get back. I wasted a huge chunk of my life on getting moving sorted out - which I have had to move twice in one year and several times after due to him.

Huge amounts of stress for my family and friends worrying about my wellfare and I am now stuck in a place where I know nobody other than him on my own.

I reached out to places such as the police, women's charities -(such as women's aid, UAVA etc) and a religious member of my family even tried getting the church to help me. NONE of them would help. All of them said it wasn't severe enough or out of their hands just because my life wasn't at risk which I think is absolutely deplorable.

How bad does a person have to be? So that I am at the end of my tether, feeling suicidal and yet that isn't "bad enough??"

I have had more abusive relationships in the past, I have had an ex abuse me until I felt broken and nobody cared or took action until he got a hold of a gun and made a threat at after I left him and then finally the police actually cared and he stopped stalking me. (New college Durham, for those curious.)

At what point is the line drawn, and how many more times does this have to happen for people to take notice and start taking things seriously?

The trauma from this almost caused me to drop out of university and give up on life, I fell into a very deep depression and almost took my own life because of what Andrew did to me. Words cannot express the extent of the pain and heartbreak this has caused and the damage he has done to my life.

I have spent my days in paranoia, panic attacks, loneliness, tears, severe depression and thoughts of suicide and self harm. And much more.

I do not want to go public about this, but this has caused me severe trauma that I am still suffering from after the police Intervention of 2021. Nobody has taken me seriously and I am now stuck with extreme trust issues for the rest of my life due to this. So if posting publicly about this exposes him, then so be it. Because nobody has helped me or offered any support. No agencies, police, women's safety services etc. I am appalled at how there has been no help for this or the prior abuse I have suffered and I have been expected to deal with it alone.

I am tired of keeping quiet about this and I believe the right thing to do is to come forward about such terrifying and damaging abuse.

I still blame myself for trusting him, but he was such a good liar and manipulator he has me believing everything was my fault. Having a very high opinion of himself and his work, others have said its extreme narcissism and I must agree. He would constantly refer to himself as a "defender of the innocent" and "ahead of our time." in his rediculously long monologues about himself. He is delusional and believes he is a famous public figure.

Which if we were to talk, no matter what we were talking about, he always had to steer the conversation over to how his music was to change the world.

He truly did believe his delusions wholeheartedly. And initially I just thought it was ambition until I realised how self centered and cruel he really was.

He hated spending any money, according to him he had "plenty of money" yet would willfully live in what I can only describe as squalor to save money for himself and his music career.

He took extreme cost cutting measures that I would expect from someone well below the poverty line.

I would never judge anyone for having no money, but I am judging him for supposedly having enough money, telling me this, and also subjecting me to these extreme cost cutting measures so I could not live comfortably or safely.

When I moved in he didn't even have a working oven and washing machine to save money, and non of the lights worked so he just used lamps which most of the time it was too dark to see, which of course if I pointed out I was screamed at.

And countless other things I could divulge but are not the focus of this post.

This is very scary stuff and is painful and traumatic to write about, and I completely believe that if I had stayed in that environment the abuse would have worsened as he is very clearly extremely unstable but I believe that we need to speak up about this, and keep doing so, to alert others.

I just truly hope nobody ever has to cross paths with this person or anyone like this and go through what I did ever again. Its time to draw the line under abuse, and I don't mind sharing my story if it will help expose the truth.

I will not remove this, I have backups and may post in other places if required.

After I left and moved away he texted me with absolutely no remorse whatsoever, he completely believed that he did nothing wrong repeated his mantra of being a "good person" and said all he wanted to do was to help me make music and have a music career, which is clearly untrue.

In the end he actually admitted himself that he was hiding behind this personna. Underneath he is a rotten, cruel liar.

I am sure that fans of Jokerbats will be upset to hear this, believe me I understand the feeling of anger at knowing the truth more than anyone.

But this is the reality of this person, I have lived with him and gotten very close to him and he is not who he says he is. Everything about the band and his persona is a lie.

This is a highly dangerous and manipulative person playing the victim card that is very not living in the real world and living in a delusional fantasy.

#Abuser #Abusers exposed #Catfish #Exposing abusers #Groomer #Grooming #Abuse tw #Jokerbats #Byron brutons #Andrew paul homer #Leicester #Manipulator #Dating app groomer #warning post #Joker bats #Anti abuse #Reblogs ok

0 notes

theonlypterydactyl · 10 months

Text

"Are you okay?" +something I've had to learn the extremely hard way

"Are you okay?"

Minutes. Hours. Days. "Are you okay? Why aren't you getting on?" "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry."

"Hey! We haven't talked in awhile. How have you been?"

Hours. Days. Weeks.

"I've been going through shit. Sorry, I wasn't able to get on." "Hey no problem, wanna talk about it?" "Yeah well...

"Hey, I really need you to get on. I can't stop thinking them and it's making me go mad."

"Hey, I saw you online, why haven't you been talking? Are you okay?"

"Are you ignoring me, did I do something wrong? Are you okay?"

Waves crash in my head. I'm drowning in worry. My thoughts take over. Anxiety controls my mind. I'm putting on a facade, Smiling when I feel like crying, Laughing when I feel like screaming. I'm isolating myself, Slowly drawing myself away from people.

"Hey, what's up. you on?" I can't stop myself from answering, I desperately want to show you what you do to me, But, you wouldn't care. You have other friends. They love you. And care about you. Not as much as I do.

"Nothing, bored. How are you?" "Not great, my mom...

"I'm so fucking done...

Minutes. Hours. Days.

"I can't with them anymore...

Minutes. Hours. Days.

"Can you get on? I need to talk."

Minutes. Hours. Days.

"I can't do this if you keep ignoring me."

Minutes. Hours. Days.

"Sorry, I'm an ass. I won't, I promise." "No you're not, just please tell me when you're not going to be getting on."

Hours. Days. Weeks.

"What the fuck? Can you get on and talk to me? I need you."

Hours. Days. Weeks.

"Sorry. *lame excuse*"

"Please, just talk to me. I don't know what I did to you, but I'm sorry. Please, just talk to me."

Hours. Days. Weeks.

"Sorry...*lame excuse*"

"Where are you, why aren't you getting on? I see that you're online but you never answer, do you not want to be friends? Please just tell me, just fucking talk to me."

Hours. Days. Weeks.

"Sorry...*lame excuse*"

"I'm over this. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't want to talk to me, or even ask how I've been. All you do recently is complain about shit and then you get off. I need to talk to you too, I am so fucking stressed. So we're done. If you want to talk about it, you know how to contact me."

*leaves chat*

Losing someone you were so close to fucking hurts, I'm not going to sugar coat it. You constantly contradict yourself. But you can't leave them because they're broken and you don't want to leave them at their most vulnerable. So, you help them pick up the pieces. Too late you realize that you are also falling apart, and when they're ready to move on, you're still stuck there even more broken. You beg and beg for them to help you, like you helped them, but they step on the pieces and crush them, smaller and smaller, until you're missing parts of yourself.

Being in a relationship with someone, platonic or romantic, means you give 100% of yourself and they give 100% of themselves. If they start slacking and they withdraw themselves without making an effort, then they don't deserve you. You are putting more work into the other person when they can't even be bothered to ask you how you are.

Break it off. It will fucking hurt, trust me, it'll hurt like fucking hell. But you got to take care of yourself. You don't need to fix anyone no matter how broken they are, that is not your responsibility. They have to put themselves back together, either with your support or without it. That is their choice to make.

You don't owe anything to anyone, you only owe yourself something. So, please, reconsider that one relationship. In an ideal world you won't have to ever experience that kind of hurt, but you will. So be prepared and be guarded. People will hurt you and that's sadly how life is.

People turn into lessons. People hurt and hurt and hurt. People bring joy and butterflies and sloppy grins. They can do both, but you decide how much they can hurt you.

#ignoring #left behind #poem #text post #heartbreak #leaving #pain #people suck #people are messy #people hurt #swearing tw #friends are there for you #life lessons #people are lessons

1 note · View note

h3artbrok3nn · 1 year

Text

i already hate this year dude and its only been 3 days into it i have been stuck with the devil, lost my best friend, been getting horrible pain since december, my insomnia has drastically gotten worse, i realize how i cant open up to literally anyone anymore (besides my bf), my dad has been extremely sick, my self harm cuts are starting to show all around my body, my mom yelled at me for having no irl friends, im getting called emo every day now (i hate when people call me emo dude), im too scared to talk to people, my stepmom is slowly starting to realize shit, my 21st attempt of suicide didnt work, my stepbrother is in prison and hes the only one i really talked too, my brother wants me dead, my mom couldnt care less about me (as usual), im getting sicker and sicker everyday, my body became more weak, my anxiety has also increased, my teacher is back and hes gonna see right through me, my boyfriend might start to get annoyed by me, my hallucinations are much worse, i keep seeing demons idk- literally losing my bestfriend was like the icing on my fucked up cake- i was literally gonna bring him his late Christmas gift tomorrow today too- idk wtf im supposed to do with it now. I only have 2 irl friends now and my boyfriend. Thats all I talk to. I dont even see juanny (one of my irl best friends) much anymore. I barley talk to him and hes the one who told me that my other best friend wanted to drop me. The only reason why I see my second and last best friend now is because i have 2 classes with her but besides that, i dont see her at all

and the best friend i lost i saw everyday in the morning and during his lunch when im on my way to choir speaking of best friends, my old bff adri keeps making me do her fucking bidding and idk dude and dani's birthday is now in 10 days- shes gonna be 14 dude ive known her since she was 10 and it breaks my heart we arent friends anymore and evan is gonna be 18 next month which is crazy- ive known him since he was 14. this is already a really hard year. with everything going on with my father, and him always yelling about him killing himself and gonna die soon, it only makes me think i'll lose him. I love my dad so fucking much dude- i cannot lose him but i see only the worst coming because of all this. If my dad dies when im still in these conditons im ggonna be with my mom for the rest of my highschool years, my stepmom will be gone, i'll never see my older brothers again, nor my cousin, or my stepmoms family. I'll be stuck with that fucking thing for the next 3 years all alone in this room where it feels like im always being chained to a wall. idk whats happening anymore- nothing makes sense i wanna give up- life isnt worth living- im about to lose all my online friends too dude im gonna go back to 2019- when i was gone from the internet for like 2 years and when i came back, everything and everyone was gone im gonna be all alone again and just trapped in my mind with my hallucinations and my nightmares my mom only encourages me to kill myself, shes the worst. My stepmom is more of a mom than her and I hate her a lot of the time too but I still love her just because she was here for me when my mom wasnt. My mom doesnt know my first words, she doesnt know what things i like, she doesnt know anything much about me. She has to go through my phone and look at my conversations when Im alseep. She doesnt even give me privacy. Meanwhile my stepmom knows me, but she doesnt know my first words cause she wasnt around when i was that young since i started talking at like 9 months old but like the point is shes there to help me with school, do everything for me, be there for me, and literally everything my mom has never ever in her pathetic little preppy pick me girl life. my dad told me that my mom made him almost killl himself- if he did, i would have been an orphan. my mom only takes care of me because of the childsupport money my dad is forced to give her every month. and she tried doubling it like a little bitch because i started calling my stepmom "mom". if my dad were to have killed himself, idk what the fuck my life would have been like but it might be better without her tbh and yeah like sure my dad used to be abusive as shit but my stepmom saved me from that and everything

so hes fine now i mean he had one slip back in march, but besides that hes been okay. i'll never like new years. not only do i have to think about my grandma who was murdered when my dad was only 9, but i have to worry for my father because its like the day he wants to die the most. This was the first year not being with him on new years to cheer him up- i was so worried, and it turned out i was right for being worried. Not getting into that. This year is so rough already within the first 3 days, I hate it I HATE IT SO MUCH DUDE. im sorry idk anymore. I fucking hate this

#vent #sorry its so fucking long

1 note · View note

pastrycreamsicle · 3 years

Photo

hnnnngh i am SO tempted but i need so save my cash for adult responsibilities

#personal #w101 #gaaaaaaaah i need something to do bc ac is boring until i get sanrio update and then it will be fun for like a week #should i just bite?#it's $6.20CAD... thats almost equivalent to venti vanilla sweet cream cold brew with cold foam #i have no friends and get extreme anxiety talking to anyone online anymore #i got catfished and lowkey stalked before so im still adjusting oof #it's hard to solo as a balance #i'll think on it but i might just put it off until next time :\

0 notes

dreamhot · 2 years

Note

Lee, what do I do...

I just read up on the Sky does Minecraft situation, and now I feel... Both sick but severely conflicted.

Sky got me through one of the harder times in my life, not the worst, but not the best, and now all that's come forward, how am I supposed to deal?

Can I trust anyone online anymore? What if dream is just like him and I'll pour my heart and soul into adoring something only for it to come out and be absolutely awful... Can I get some advice/reconciliation???

all right so - this got a bit (very) long and discusses some sensitive topics so i'm gonna put it under a cut

it's never easy when this happens. obviously there are varying levels of creator sins - sometimes entirely contained with the cc's social life, and other times involving the fans. either way, there are few feelings like the gut punch of finding out that someone you looked up to isn't a great person. it's like the ground crumbling out from under you. yeah, we don't know the ccs, but we still trust them to be decent people. so when they're not ... that trust is broken.

the first thing you'll always hear is that we shouldn't put anyone on a pedestal. of course that's a given, but that doesn't mean that we can't be disappointed by someone even if we didn't expect them to be perfect. definitely recognise that the people we follow are flawed - especially since we'll never see the entire extent of their personalities or personal lives - but don't feel bad for expecting basic morality either. that's just common sense.

i think one of the best first steps - in a general situation, not specifically this one - is to evaluate the nature of the situation and do your fact checking. how severe was the offense? are there concrete details or only hearsay? are we talking 'i don't support their actions, but i can still watch their content' or is it more 'this is so deplorable that i'm no longer comfortable engaging at all'? bear in mind your personal comfort level and that of victims who might be affected by the situation. compassion goes a long way here.

from a personal standpoint, i followed tobuscus, ryan haywood from achievement hunter, and another (non youtube) figure with a muddy history. i've been through assorted tiers of creator scandals and on the sidelines for others - for example, i never watched cry, but i had friends who loved his content dearly and were shattered when the news came out. it feels almost like mourning... and it is grief, in a way. we lost something that was a comfort to us, something that brought us happiness. that source of joy has effectively died, and it makes sense that we would feel the pain of loss.

and it always creates the worry you mentioned - what if it happens again? what if i trust another figure and they let me down like this? you almost want to tell yourself that you won't let yourself get in that deep again, because it hurts so much worse when you let yourself be that invested. it's the double-edged sword of parasocial relationships - the more you care, the harder it hits you when something falls through. that much is inevitable.

the thing is ... it sucks not to care. it's in many of our natures to see the best in others. when a cc brings us joy, we're going to be passionate about that interest and assume that they won't let us down. and, honestly, i don't think it's wrong to keep that faith even when someone else has hurt you. of course you might be cautious or even wary. of course you might be hypersensitive to potential red flags or worried that the ball is going to drop at some point. i think any of us who went through this sort of upset are familiar with that anxiety - what if [current fixation] is next?

but we don't have to assume the worst, especially when we haven't been given cause to do so. trust me when i say i was extremely wary of dream before i joined the fandom (i mean, i didn't like the guy for a while lmao). the cry-adjacent branding, the encouragement of parasocialism within the fanbase... it made me nervous. but actually following his content and hearing what he has to say has put so many of those old fears to rest.

(the cry stuff is admittedly unfortunate, but the branding also happened before the situation was made public, so i'm willing to let that slide. however, i respect the reticence of anyone who was more invested in cry's content before everything happened - i can understand that anxiety, even if i don't think it's merited here.)

sure, dream openly cherishes his fans, but he's also notably good at maintaining communication boundaries. when he engages with the fandom, we see it. i'd even wager he has less direct interaction with individual fans than he used to, which is a good move when your popularity reaches a certain magnitude. he loves his audience, but imo there's still a clear line dividing his personal life from that of his creator persona - not that i would call his public face ingenuine, but hopefully you know what i mean.

dream's not so bubblegum perfect that it seems like a facade, but neither does he behave in a way that sets off any alarm bells. of course it's true that we can be blindsided by shitty behaviour - because we can never know their whole lives, sometimes bad news will seemingly come out of nowhere. with dream, though, i've allowed myself to have faith in his character. he's fallible, yes - he's only human - but i've not yet seen anything that would lead me to believe that we'll get a horrid bombshell one of these days.

and, while it's sad that we can use this as a point of reassurance... people want to defame him. there are those who constantly seek to find evidence of him being a shitty human being - even going so far as to straight up lie about him to tarnish his name. nothing he does goes unscrutinised, and i feel as though we would know if something was amiss. the fact that nothing meaningful has been dug up by bloodhound antis is a fucked up sort of relief, i guess.

dream's just a guy. he loves his cat and his family and his friends. he has his own history, messy or otherwise with all the high moments and low. he's flawed, but who isn't? the difference between him and others who have let me down in the past is that i believe him when he says he wants to be a good person and make people smile.

i care a lot about him - so much so that if something happened, i would feel beyond crushed. but i have to go with my vibes on this one, and he doesn't cause me to worry. he makes me happy, and if he makes you happy as well, i would try to embrace that feeling. take care of yourself, but don't let yourself shut out the potential for caring just because someone else failed you. there are always going to be good people, ones worthy of our support and affection. and, god willing, dream is always going to be one of them.

#smile.ask #anon #long post #<- under the cut #no specific tws but i mention a few unsavoury ccs

57 notes · View notes

ziggysims · 2 years

Text

I’m sorry you don’t need to read this post but I needed to vent about my life 🥴

I know I never post on here and nobody knows who I am but I feel like I just need to vent and get my thoughts out in the open and I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this. So here goes...

I’m in my final year of my degree and it’s getting to the point that after this year, I’m going to have to enter the work force in a field I’m not interest in anymore.

I found University was my crutch, as I could rely on having three years more years of schooling after high school before I became a ‘real adult’. I thought that by the time I graduated I would have evolved and would have been ready. However, I don’t think anyone was expecting a Pandemic to happen in 2020, which has seen my past two years of university basically be online and created this bubble were I did nothing with my life.

Which is we’re my issues lie. I’m not interested in my degree or the opportunity’s it will lead too, I’m at the stage were I am applying for work experience and nothing I see interests or motivate me. I feel like I’m just making things up whenever anyone asks or questions me about after I graduate. It also doesn’t help that anyone I talk to in my degree has somewhat of a plan on what they want to do after graduation where as i have no plan or direction in life.

I have five major issue at the moment

1. I’m pretty sure I’ve f*cked my courses up and have not been doing the correct subjects and I probably won’t graduate when I wanted too. So there’s that 🙃

2. I’m not interest in my degree anymore or the careers and opportunities it offers. I also feel like I’m the only one without a plan and given that I have not made any friends in uni except this year. I’m trying really hard to continue these relationships however I’m always having to put a mask on and be someone I’m not which includes not telling people certain things about myself. This is where the third problem comes from...

3. I have no work or life experience. I have been privileged to have the parents I do and I love them very much and they have continued to support me no questions asked but I feel like a failure 😞 I’m almost 22 years old and I have never had a proper job as I have been a family caregiver for my mum since 2017 BUT that’s is just an excuse I have been telling both myself and everybody else. I could of had a job if I had tried but I was unmotivated and now I feel likes it’s too late to get a part time job anywhere and no one will hire me. Another thing that has hindered me is the fact I don’t have a drivers license, I have a lot of anxiety around driving so I’m still incredibly dependent on my parents. However, I’m current working on that and doing driving lessons but I still have a long way to go and I feel extreme anxiety when thinking or applying to job as I keep getting rejected or I never hear back from the job application.

4. Moreover, I know this is not a common wish and people have been trying to break out of this lifestyle but honestly I just want to work a boring 9 -5 office job doing nothing but writing emails, attending meeting etc and nothing else. I feel like I’m not smart enough for anything and that I have faked it through my ability to do assignments but it always entails a lot of editing and rereading. Also I feel really dumb all the time as my spelling and math is atrocious and I feel so insure in myself and my abilities. The reason I want a basic 9 - 5 is just having the life style of waking up early in the morning, going to work, coming home, having dinner and relaxing the rest of the night doing hobbies such as reading, sims and watching tv shows and having weekends off consistently to spend time doing things that interest me and having holidays maybe once a year. That’s the structure I want in life and I feel like I can never admit to that because I would of wasted me degree on nothing.

5. Lastly, this issue has nothing to do with my degree or lack of work experience but about my own confidence or lack there for and has been playing on my mid for years now. In terms of my body… I HATE it. I’m fat there is no other word for it, I weigh around 116kg and even if I try and tell myself I look pretty or not that big in the mirror as soon as I see myself in a reflection in public or photos of my self I’m horrified with how big and disgusting I really am. Ever time I leave the house I feel nervous and anxious I I constantly have to make efforts to look better and dress better then people would just to do basic things like grocery shopping. I feel judged whenever I’m in public and find that I can never order to much food or buy to much food if I’m buy myself. I also cannot shop at any normal clothing stores and feel constantly uncomfortable and unsure whenever I have to buy clothes in person. I did lose 15 kilos last year but I lost the motivation and have put nearly all of it back on. I struggle so much with weight loss as to lose any weight with my metabolism, I have to eat very little and work out constantly to see any results. However, I can’t work out in a gym as I’m still to self conscious and as i don’t live by myself I can’t control what food is in the cupboard. I know these reasons just sound like excuses, which they probably are… but food to me is such a big part of my life. I eat when I’m bored and given that I don’t have much of a social or work life I’m constantly at home except for University so I’m always snaking. I also struggle with motivation and being consistent with working out which hinders may ability to lose weight. Now, why is this such an issue? because being over weight has stopped me from doing everything and not have confidence in my self has lead me to have many regrets in life. As soon my old friends and I became 15- 16 my life started to change drastically. I wasn’t invited to parties other than birthdays and didn’t have those fun teenage years except a few occasion which I always longed for. Furthermore, I’ve never kissed or had sex with a guy and have never really talked either online or in person much at all to any guys either, I also have never had a friendship with any males my age what so ever. I feel so left out of everything people my age are doing and I never go on social media anymore, as every time I open either Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat I just feel immensely sad and insecure. Every time I open social media all I see are people from my high school doing something with their life whether that be graduating university, travelling, hanging out with friends, being in long term relationships etc I’m struck in the same place doing the same things I was going when I was 16 years old and I feel like I haven’t experienced-life and I have let go of so many opportunities or stopped myself from putting myself out there and doing things I want to do because of my weight and insecurities. Because I have isolated myself from the world even before the pandemic I’ve lost a part of myself and my personality and I have become boring and have nothing interesting about me that would make anyone stay.

I’m just a fat, ugly, boring human being who is full of regret and has wasted their life being fat, not doing anything, doing a degree I’m not interested in anymore, having no social life and not have any life experience in general.

I’m just fucked and at a point in my life we’re I don’t know what I’m going to do…

So thats everything I know nobody is really going to care but I feel like I needed to get this off my chest as it had been playing in the back of my mind the past few months and years to be honest and going into my final year has just pushed me passed the breaking point and added more stress onto the fact that I’m unhappy with the way my life has turned out 😞

So thats me....

#sorry for the rant #rant post #personal vent #possibly triggering #i’m so tired #tw weight #weight loss #struggle #i hate my body #i hate it here

29 notes · View notes

twinklelilstarkey · 3 years

Note

hiii can you do angst 3 with nolan please 🥰

"You shouldn't be here." - Nolan Patrick

It has been a rough week. You feel like all your movements consist of you crawling in and out of your bed. Your pillow is constantly wet with your tears and your chest is permanently tightening in the void of nothing but heartbreak.

You don’t exactly need to leave your apartment since all of your classes are still online, and your cabinets are still full enough for you to survive for a little bit longer. So, honestly, if you were to leave, it would be out of a spontaneous decision, something you’re sure won’t happen any soon.

The only bit of fresh air you’ve caught in the last few days was when you opened your bathroom window to get your shower’s steam out of the small room, yet other than that... just nothing.

Today marks 7 days since you have broken up with your boyfriend of a year and a half, Nolan.

The reason behind your break up is a complete result of the snowball effect. It all started with small fights which always ended with you apologizing and him sort of forgiving you, and with small fight after small fight, a whole shouting argument was bad enough to mark the end of your relationship.

Nolan said so much, that he now admits that not even 1% of it is true, but it was enough to break your heart and force you to walk away.

It was definitely a break up. It was no Hollywood movie argument with an open ending in which the main characters never actually say the words. You two said it, and you two agreed on ending everything and cutting all tights right there. Right in the middle of his apartment.

You feel miserable and you’ve caught yourself trying to call him at crazy hours of the night a few times already. You never ended up actually doing it, but there was a time that it was close enough for it to ring one time - not even enough for it to even reach his phone.

Your week consists in at least 3 full days of classes, which does sound awful, but you feel like everything just gets worse when you’re left to stay by yourself and with your reality. All because even though you’re not listening to what your teachers are saying, you’ve got at least some sort of noise to occupy your mind.

But, god, nights are the worst. Looking out of your window to stare at the city view is not the same anymore, having sweet or salty sneaky snacks is not the same anymore, watching your favorite show under all your blankets is not the same anymore. You’re suffering so much that you can’t find anything even slightly enjoyable.

Now, Nolan, on the other hand, has to leave his apartment. He has to work, go to the ice rink, and practice every morning. And, in reality, no matter how much his coaches are screaming in his face, he just can’t find a way to fix whatever he’s doing wrong.

For the first days, no friend of his knew about the breakup, so, they just thought he was just going a little crazy over a bad hangover or whatever. But that didn’t last long. It only took TK to ask him if the offer for the double date still stood for everyone to notice.

His silence and serious expression made his best friend frown and even stop what he was doing. He couldn’t believe he was seeing.

Travis honestly thought that Nolan hadn’t heard him for a good few seconds, but as soon as he went to make sure, Nolan just stood up and left.

He wasn’t reacting like you were. He wasn’t crying every time his brain brought him back to you, he was just staring into nothing and letting his mind work free through it. Battling his feelings away.

You still watched the Flyers’ games, even though he wasn’t spending much time on the ice, and you still wore his jersey like any other night.

Sleeping after those nights were even harder. Today is one of them.

You turn on your bed, eyeing the large window beside your bed and all the lights of the city you’re blessed to see from high above, and your mind soon travels to all the memories you own and protect.

All the times you cuddled with a sleeping or just sleepy Nolan after good or rough games while staring at the calming night. All the times you enjoyed late mornings in bed, talking about life and laughing at absolutely everything.

A soft grin plays over your lips at the light-hearted memories but at the same time, it breaks at the realization it is not your truth anymore.

You sniffle softly and blink your tears away, bringing your hands to your warm cheeks to wipe down the wetness you’ve grown so familiar to.

A soft knock on your front door fills your apartment and you quickly sit up in surprise. It’s 3 am.

It’s way too late for your landlord to come over now, right? Sinks don’t usually get fixed at this time of night... Right?

The knock repeats itself and you sigh. It won’t hurt to check.

You stand up from your bed, ignoring the mess you’re leaving behind, and you bring your hood over your head. On your way down the hallway, you wipe your face one more time to make sure that no tears are to be shown to anyone, and as soon as you’re done, you’re standing by the door.

You unlock it slowly and Nolan feels a sudden wave of cold hit the walls of his stomach as anxiety becomes evident to him, again.

The door opens slowly, creaking slightly in the silence of the night, and your eyes meet up at the same time.

You feel frozen in place while Nolan is just lost for words. He hasn’t seen you for more than he has ever before and that made his body almost go into shock.

“Wha-” You try to ask but your voice cracks a bit, “What are you doing here?”

He stands silent for a few seconds and he continuous to stare you down, analyzing your face. Eyes slightly swollen, as well as your lips, your soft sniffling. You’ve been crying.

“I wanted to talk.” He finally speaks, his deep voice breaking through the hallway harshly.

“You shouldn’t be here.” You tell him.

“I know.” He agrees, “But... Can I please come in?”

You bite the inside of your lip in thought and your hand slides over the side of the door, grabbing both of your attentions.

Hesitatingly, you take a step back and swing your door open further, giving Nolan enough space to walk in comfortingly.

He’s careful with his steps, and soon the door closes behind him again. Your apartment is still extremely comforting and warm to him. And for a second, it almost made him forget what he was doing there in the first place.

“Want to go sit?” You whisper.

He looks over his shoulder to look at you and gives you a small nod. You break your glance and decide to be the first one to walk towards the couch.

Nolan follows you and soon the two of you are seated beside one another.

Even though with straight serious looks on your faces, you two have racing hearts and sweaty hands. Everything that could make their bodies react to the situation in the middle of all this silence.

“Did I wake you up?” He firstly asks and you just shake your head.

You look down at your hands over your lap and unconsciously, you pull your sleeves over your hands, hiding them from your own eyes.

Nolan decides to start.

“I shouldn’t have said all those things.” Nolan says as he also looks down at your, now covered, hands. “I was mad and I made all of... that, up.”

The words slowly register in your mind and you force yourself to look at him in the face.

“I know it’s stupid.” He says before you can even try to talk, “I know I shouldn’t have even fought back. You were right and I was just being an idiot.”

He shakes his head, staring back into your confused eyes.

“Nol-”

“I don’t know why I even did it. It was like I didn’t want to be in the wrong when I was. It was so childish of me...” He continues, “And all the things that I called you were ju-just awful. And I want you to know what I didn’t mean any of it and that not even one of them is tru-”

He sighs in desperation, finding it ridiculous how he found himself lost in his own thoughts and just rambled all his worries in one breath. Your hands finally stop playing on your lap.

“I wish I could take everything back.” He says more slowly and calmly, “And just act like none of it happened.”

“Me too.” You agree.

He stays silent and his chest tightens at the idea of this not going as he wants to.

“I just... I’m sorry.” He whispers the last part. “You don’t have to forgive me...” He pauses, “Now or-or even ever, but I just want you to know that I am so, so, so sorry.”

You stare back at him as his words fill your ears and his soft expression of pure hurt is all that emphasizes your overthinking.

“And...” He starts again, almost as if saying sorry for talking with his eyes, “I’m also sorry for only talking to you a week later. It-it’s stupid of me. Again.”

The corners of your lips lift slightly at his last words and you swallow harshly, preparing yourself to talk. Yet you stop yourself as you don’t exactly know what to say.

You look down, biting your lip in thought, and quickly, your hands lays over Nolan’s. And even over your hoodie’s thick material, you can feel how cold they are from standing outside at the crack of dawn.

“I’m sorry too.” You whisper to him.

“You don’t need to-”

“I do.” You look back up, “I walked away during a fight and in some way, I feel like it was my fault that you exploded the way you did.”

Nolan shakes his head and you peek your fingers from your sleeves, interlacing them with Nolan’s cold ones. You bring your hand up around your conjoined hands and trace slightly over his fingers to warm them.

“Well, then I forgive you.” Nolan says to you, following your gaze down to your hands. “I really do, even if I think you didn’t do anything wrong.”

A soft grin grows over your lips and you look up at him.

“Than I forgive you too.” You say, “Just- Please, promise me that we’ll never go for that long without talking or trying to sort things out again.” You cringe slightly at your request as if there’s a possibility that he will reject.

“I promise.” He says right away.

“And that we’ll never walk away like that or break up like that.”

“That too. I promise.”

A smile finally breaks through your features and soon also did Nolan’s. You bring your hand up to his face and with a quick movement, you cup his cheek and lay your lips over his.

The kiss is simple, more of a peck if anything, but it’s longer than a normal peck.

You two pull away and Nolan is quick to kiss your cheek a couple of times before actually leaning back and look at you.

“I think we should go to bed.” You tell him with a soft smile, “It’s almost 4.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick imagines #nolan patrick x reader #nolan patrick x you #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey imagines #hockey imagine

328 notes · View notes

allthingsarmin · 3 years

Note

Hello, can i please request an armin x reader but it’s a modern au where armin is a nerd and the reader is popular, feel free to ignore if you don’t like the idea :)

Thank you for your request, anon! I really hope you like it, and I can always rewrite it if it’s not the way you imagined. Also, sorry it is a little long - I think I got carried away with this prompt haha.

The beginning might be a little angsty, but the ending is cute ^_^

GN!Reader

Warnings: one cuss word, mentions of self-doubt, kissing

Word Count: 2,346

-------------------------

Things change - sometimes for the better - like how Armin finally cut his bob-length hair and now has a handsome undercut that suits his jawline and like how you are finally growing taller since it seemed like forever that Armin was the taller one.

Things change - sometimes for the worse - like how you and Armin used to be so close in grade school, but now in college, your relationship is made up of awkward smiles in the hallways, small waves when passing each other in the library, and unfinished conversations on SnapChat.

Things fade - relationships come to an end, people move on, and that’s just life. Look at you now, from a quiet person to a popular student known for your humorous remarks, angelic facial features, a delightful sense of style, and your beautifully color-coded notes. You capture hearts with your smile, and you never fail to make anyone laugh with your stupidly funny puns and nonsense. To put it simply, Armin is a bit different - well, you could say nerdy. Quiet, polite, and has as much passion for the world as he does intelligence. Always heavily invested in school and studying as you could almost always find his nose in between the pages of a book or study guide. Poor Armin - not known for his sweet personality or his above average intelligence. Definitely not known for his sense of style but always comes to class dressed in a rather dashing blazer and keeps a couple Kleenex tissues in his left pocket. Armin barely has any friends, - if any - but he always makes sure to hold the door open for strangers, smile at teachers when entering the classroom, and send you a “Happy Birthday!” text every year.

Some things don’t fade - like Armin’s feelings for you even after you two grew apart and he was forced to watch you from the sidelines. How could he not be so deeply in love with you? When you two were close, you coddled up with each other and read books about the ocean, learning about sharks and so naively believing in the theory of Atlantis. You stayed over at each other’s houses and studied together as well as comforted each other if one of you didn’t do as well as you expected on a test. You used to braid his long blond locks as he told you stories about his grandfather. During the summers, you would use chalk to draw a picture of you two on the blistering sidewalks outside his house, and he would give you handmade bookmarks as a present. Even though you two have grown apart, he is still in love with you, watching you laugh from far away. The way your eyes squint out of happiness and the sound of your hearty laughter makes his body heat up and his cheeks rosy. The way you sometimes send him “Good luck!” texts for when there’s a big test in a class you both are taking makes him smile with teary eyes since it seems that you have in fact not forgotten about him and his intense anxiety when it comes to test-taking. The way you ran up to Armin and gripped his arm when you unexpectedly saw him in the campus coffee shop that one time sent a euphoric tingle throughout his body that made him forget how to breathe properly. How could he not love you when you were always there for him, when you remembered every personal detail he told you during late-night childhood sleepovers, when you tried your best to make him love himself? Armin wants so badly to tell you how important you are to him, how he wants to protect you from everything bad in the world, how he wants to wrap his arms around you and listen to your heartbeat… you are just so hard to reach. He is a nerd, a loser, and you are so popular, surrounded by endless amounts of friends… he’s sure your contacts are completely full and DMs flooding with people who are interested in you and are a lot better than him. What was the point in even trying?

Luckily for Armin, you feel the same way. To be honest with yourself, your stupid jokes, loud laughter, and wide smiles were really just a cover-up for how deeply sad you are. No matter how many friends you have or instant messages you receive from strangers online, you feel incredibly alone because none of them are him. Popularity doesn't matter to you anymore - you just miss your best friend so terribly. You missed walking on the beach together, splashing each other with the salty waves, making study-flashcards together, and being able to touch his beautiful blond hair whenever you wanted. Armin’s birthday is coming up, and you want to make your move and do something big for him that would let him know how special he is to you. This time, it wouldn’t involve loads of friends or a loud party with that overly social and fake personality of yours.

You text Armin: “Hey Armin! We haven’t talked in awhile, but your birthday is this Saturday, and I would like to meet up with you. Are you free to go to the beach on Saturday? I want to give you a present, and I just want to catch up with you. I miss my friend!”

Armin read the text with relief. Even if he couldn’t have you the way he wanted, he still wanted more than anything to reconnect with his old friend. “It’s good to hear from you, y/n! I have no plans for Saturday, so of course we can meet up… around 7pm if that’s okay. I want to watch the sunset! And I miss you too…”

Saturday:

It is November, which means it’s cold. At the beach in November? Even colder, so you make sure to dress warmly.

It is 6:59pm, and you trudge through the moist sand, the harsh wind bearing itself against your face making the tip of your nose turn a bright pink as you grip your hoodie close to your body. In the distance, you see Armin sitting on the sand, shoes off and wearing a dark green sweatshirt with a black beanie. Sitting next to him was his backpack - of course he was the type to bring his school work with him while you always brought your violently vibrating phone with you everywhere.

You release a tired breath as you sit next to him in the sand, setting the bag of presents down beside you and keeping your cold hands in your hoodie pocket. A big smile is on your face as you ask him: “Aren’t you cold, Armin? Why don’t you have your shoes on?!” Armin laughs as he turns his face toward you. At this point, you can see how red his cheeks really are, and this is really the first time you’ve noticed how handsome he actually is. The softness of his blond eyelashes beautifully contrast with the sharpness of his jawline. His smile is soft, and his deep blue eyes pierce into yours. “Hahaha, I don’t know. I just haven’t been to the beach in a long time…” he trails off. “It’s ‘cuz you’re so popular now that you don’t have time to hang out with me,” he states in a playfully butt-hurt tone though you can sense that he is indeed a little upset about it. The waves hitting the shore fill the awkward silence between you two. “I know,” you softly say, “but I think about you all the time. I miss you, and I hope we can be close friends again,” you confess. Armin feels his heart flutter when you say that you miss him. He wants to tell you he loves you and wants to reassure you that he’d always be there for you, but instead he pats you on the back. “It’s okay! I was just joking,” he awkwardly laughs. “Of course we are friends, and I hope we can be even closer too.”

He glances to your side. “What’s in the bag?” he inquires. “Oh!” you exclaim, seemingly as if you forgot about it. You rush to give him the bag and shove it into his arms. “It’s just some stuff I got you for your birthday.”

He rummages through it, going through the endless amount of tissue paper on the top. He pulls out a light blue sweater first.

“It’s almost winter, so I figured I’d give you something warm. I think this color…” you pause and hesitantly reach up to adjust his beautiful blond bangs, “... would look good on you.”

You both make eye contact for a second and quickly look away from each other. “Haha, it’s beautiful, y/n. Thank you!” You are just about to say ‘no problem’ before he is quickly taking off his green sweatshirt and replacing it with the light blue one, his very toned abs peeking through the plain white t-shirt he had on underneath the sweatshirt. You feel your cheeks grow warm and instantly look away. Armin notices and chuckles to himself. He would honestly never mind if you wanted to look at them or even touch them.

“Now, onto the second one,” you say, trying to change the subject. Armin pulls out two matching, homemade bracelets that feature a seashell on both of them. He looks at them silently and intently.

“I made matching bracelets!” you say proudly. “They’re like friendship bracelets, so we both have to wear them all the time! You aren’t allowed to take it off!” you joke.

“They’re so pretty, y/n,” he whispers as he stares at the shells, a sparkle in his eyes. He immediately puts it on and gently takes your wrist to put yours on.

“There,” he says contently, carefully placing your wrist in your lap.

You two sit silently next to each other, shoulders brushing against one another and watching the waves as the sun casts a dull orange and purple glow across the sky. The sounds of waves crashing against the shore and the squawking birds in the sky cancel out the noises of Armin softly crying.

Once you notice, you quickly snap your head around. “Armin, are you okay?” you ask, extremely worried.

“Thank you for the presents, y/n,” he sniffles. “You have always done stuff like this for me,” Armin continues as he gets flashbacks of you two running across the beach and gawking at beautiful seashells, telling jokes to each other in grade school when it was supposed to be reading time, and making funny drawings of each other. “I’ve never told you thank you - for being there for me and comforting me all those times, and just letting me be myself. It’s been such a long time since we’ve done anything together. I miss making you laugh, and I miss going to the library with you and asking you about your day.”

At this point, you feel like crying too because you feel the exact same. You spent so much of your life wanting to fit in, and you finally became popular but at what cost? You nearly forgot about the most important person to you, the one person that actually cares about you.

“I love you,” Armin suddenly blurts out, a tear running down his face. “I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine,” he says so quietly that it’s borderline pathetic. You swear your heart stopped when he said that. You feel a burning sensation all along your body as you forget about the cold air hitting your face, and you feel your breathing stop. The uncertainty you felt that kept you awake every night about whether Armin thought of you the same, all the self-doubt, all the guilt about leaving your friend behind, had been erased in an instant.

The silence between you two is unbearably awkward, and with confidence you seemingly pull out of nowhere, you throw yourself onto Armin’s lips, your arms enclosing his broad shoulders, and both of you falling sideways into the wet sand. Armin, at first shocked, passionately kisses back and links onto your soft lips. The tips of your noses are cold, but you both eventually succumb to each other's warmth. You both pull away to catch some breath. Armin gently wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer to him as you bury your head in the crook of his neck. Even after all this time, he still smells the same - vanilla and cedarwood. “I love you too,” you softly say. Noticing that you both are practically wallowing in the sand by now, you apologize. “Also, sorry I ruined your new sweatshirt. There’s sand all over it,” you laugh.

“Oh, it’s okay,” he reassures, shyly placing a kiss on your forehead. “Want to watch the sunset with me?” You nod your head enthusiastically, a smile you couldn’t help leave your lips.

“Oh, fuck,” you quitely exclaim.

“What’s wrong?” Armin asks in a concerned tone.

“I forgot I have an essay due at 11:59 tonight.”

Armin busts out laughing - a sound you wouldn’t mind hearing for the rest of your life even though he’s laughing at your poor planning.

“When the sun finally sets, we can go back to my dorm, and I can help you with it if that’s alright with you,” he politely offers.

“Sure!” you happily reply.

You both sit up and face the horizon. The sun was almost gone, and the sky was a heavenly pink color while the sea began to look indigo. Your hands were linked with Armin’s, and for the first time in a long time, you felt warm despite the air getting cooler.

Getting ready to go to Armin’s dorm, he grabs his backpack and his dark green sweatshirt. You get up and check your phone, not at all caring that you have nearly fifty missed text messages and missed calls asking why you didn’t come to the weekly campus party.

You finally have all that you need.

-----------------------

I really hoped you liked it! Requests are open ~ I have another request that will be posted soon.

#armin arlert #armin x reader #aot x reader

144 notes · View notes

spencerreidscoffeecup · 3 years

Text

Chapter 5 | Beautifully Broken

TW: Self-harm, mentions of parental death, mentions of ab*se (from father), suicidal, depression, anxiety attack, (almost) an overdose on antidepressants, emetophobia (fear of v*miting if you don't know the technical term), cutting, s*icidal phone call

If you think any of this will bother you, I will write a short summary on the next chapter of this chapter so you can skip over this one!

Y/N's POV

"Thanks for the party, Spencer. I'm sorry."

I close his car door, taking a deep breath, the early morning air causing the hairs on the back of my neck to spike up. I feel terrible for how I acted to Spencer. He was just trying to help- but I couldn't bring him into my mess. I loved him too much to do that.

I walked inside, too emotionally exhausted to cry. I felt alone again, and that somewhat inexplicable feeling of wanting to control something in my life, besides what I consumed resurfaced. I set my things down, and walked to the bathroom. It was weird. I felt like I was in this dreamy state, like this wasn't happening--like I was numbed in the mind and being controlled by a greater force than me as if I was a marionette. I felt calm. Weirdly calm. As I entered my bathroom, I took the sharp, lustrous silver blade out of my bottom drawer.. Inserting it deep into my skin until I felt small relief. I looked in the mirror, the pain searing through my arm, my face stoic. I didn't even recognize myself.

I wished I could talk to someone, anyone. It wasn't that I didn't have people to talk to-because I did. I knew Spencer would listen to me if I wanted to talk to him.. But it wasn't about people listening or not listening to me. It was about me using this blade to cope with my problems instead of me growing a pair and talking to someone.

All the same, I never did anything about it, instead letting my problems eat me away. When I was younger and harming myself without exactly knowing what I was doing, my mom used euphemism to explain to me that what I was doing was unhealthy, so I wouldn't feel like I was a lunatic for scratching myself on purpose at seven years old because I thought I deserved it.

My mother was the only thing that kept me from taking my own life. I was not only dealing with depression and anxiety by the time I was in second grade; but was also dealing with physical and mental abuse from my father. I honestly had no idea how someone as kind and caring as my mother could be with someone so monstrous as my father. She was too sick to do anything about it, so I just took whatever my father gave me.

After my mother died and my father was made to look after me, he began hitting me more. One day, I decided I had had enough and left in the middle of the night. I took his money, and bought myself an apartment three hours from where we lived. I was only eighteen at the time and so I immediately was stressed out with how I was going to pay my bills and taxes, as well. So I then got six part-time jobs. I did online school, and graduated college at twenty. School was my only escape from my life, so I finished the courses quickly, as I was not only passionate about being in the BAU (it was always my dream-job), but I also loved the feeling of accomplishing things. I graduated early and top of my class. I joined the BAU three years later.

As you could probably tell, I was extremely busy. This was a good excuse for me to 'forget' to eat. I had always dealt with body dysmorphic issues, but my father made it worse, calling me ugly and obese all the time. I was nowhere near obese. I was 5'3 and 105 pounds. But because I was so insecure, I began to stop eating on purpose. I went on two-hour runs everyday and only drank water and ate ice-cubes and celery.

I try talking to people about it, but they either feel sympathy then leave, or instantly shut me down, telling me I am stupid for thinking that way. That's why it's so hard to talk to someone, even someone so close to me like Spencer. I knew he cared, and deep down I knew that he wouldn't leave, but my anxiety fogged away any chances I had at being reasonable. Therefore leading me to believe I would have to bottle up these feelings alone. I lie in my bed, closing my eyes so I can drift into a slumber to forget about everything for a few hours. I am alone.

Spencer's POV

8:00 a.m., Monday (2 days after the party)

The shriek of my alarm wakes me up, the sound setting off every nerve in my body. I quickly get ready, then head to the office. Memories of Friday night start to flood my brain, as guilt and anxiety create a hazy fog over the images. Had I done something wrong by trying to help Y/n? No, I couldn't have... she needs help and sometimes people have a hard time with confrontation, I knew that- I knew that from personal experiences.

I texted and called her about five times each, trying to make sure she was okay, but she had never returned my texts or calls, she only read my texts. I had been debating going over to her apartment and seeing her, but I decided against it. I had to talk to her today.

I get ready then drive to the BAU, nervously tapping my hand on the steering wheel. I arrive a few minutes early, and walk inside. The bullpen is quiet but busy. I look around, no Y/n to be seen.. Just Derek and a fresh stack of paperwork sitting on my desk, awaiting my arrival. "It's fine," I think, "she's probably just late. I also arrived two minutes earlier than usual so she is going to probably be here any minute." I try to convince myself but I just have this twisting sensation in my gut, as if something is wrong. I brush it off to be a guilty conscious or anxiety, and continue on with my paperwork.

Y/N's POV

2 days after the party, 8:00 am

I woke up this morning, from my alarm chiming in my ears. I can't go to work today. I can't. So I text Hotch:

From Y/n to Boss-Man:

Hey Hotch. I unfortunately cannot come into work today as there is a family emergency.

I know he knows that I have no family members left, but maybe he'll think it's a friend that's almost like my family,- emergency.

From Boss-Man to Y/n:

Okay, don't worry about it. There isn't much paperwork to be done today so you can just get it done tomorrow or Wednesday... Whenever you get to it. Take care, and let me know if you need anything

From Y/n to Boss-Man:

Will do. Thank you so much. :)

Hotch sends a thumbs-up back and I set my phone down, fidgeting with my fingers. I think of Spencer.. How he has called and texted me but I haven't replied back. I feel like shit. I just couldn't bring him into this mess with me. I walk to my kitchen, grabbing some water, and my medications. I take them, then look back down at the bottle. If I wanted to end it all I could. I walk away and sit on my couch. I can't do this anymore.

I lie down, and fall asleep for a few hours.

Spencer's POV

The day is almost over and there is no sign of the beautifully broken angel. My heart sinks a bit and I just can't get rid of that nervous feeling in my stomach. I finish my paperwork, turning it into Hotch before I ask him,

"Do you know where Y/n is?"

"She said she needed time off for a 'family emergency'." he says honestly.

She told me that she doesn't have any family members around, a few months ago. She never explained why, but she seemed touchy about the subject so I never pushed it any further.

I gather my things and leave to go to my apartment.

In the middle of driving home, I hear my phone buzz. I ignore it, not wanting to be distracted from driving. But the buzzing is consistent, distracting me already from driving. So, I cautiously pick my phone up to see Y/n's number flash across my screen. I almost crash my car into the other car in front of me, my heart skipping nervously. I answer.

"Spencer," I hear sobs breaking from her throat, tearing my heart apart. "I-I did something really stupid."

Y/N's POV

I woke from my slumber, the purple skies filling my vision as the night air from my open windows seeps into my apartment. I hear a buzz from my phone.

Boss-Man to Y/n:

Hello, I hope all is well. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. I have some bad news. We believe your father is trying to track you down to find you. Try not to worry too much, we have you secured and locked down. Call me as soon as you can so I can give you more info.

I feel my throat close up, bile rising in my throat. I thought I was safe. I moved two cities down from where I used to live. My panic sets in as I begin to hyperventilate.

"No no no.. this cannot be happening right now." I whisper to myself, tears pouring out of my eyes. I hear my phone buzz some more, but I am too distracted to read any of it. I want to go away and never come back.

I rush to the bathroom, grabbing that metal blade and dragging it slowly across my skin. It didn't work. I didn't feel relief. I scream angrily, rushing to the kitchen. I want this to be over. I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop.

With shaky hands I grasp my antidepressant prescription bottle. Taking a handful of them and washing them down with water as I wince, some scraping the back of my dry throat. I feel like I'm watching myself from a third-person point of view. I can't stop thinking of one thing-one person, as I fully swallow those pills. Spencer. I need him. I need to call him. So without thinking, I grab my phone, ignoring the missed calls and texts from Hotch. I quickly dial Spencer's number, as wrecking sobs break from my voice.

Spencer's POV:

"Spencer," I hear sobs breaking from her throat, tearing my heart apart. "I-I did something really stupid."

"What did you do?" I ask, keeping my voice soft.

"I can't do this anymore- I couldn't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I tried to cope with it but I can't anymore. I wanna go away. He's back." she chokes through her sobs, breathing heavily.

I try to compose myself, to not freak her out. Truth be told, I'm completely and utterly terrified.

"W-Who's back?" I stutter, "what happened, Angel?" I ask, trying to hold back my own sobs as tears fall down my cheeks. Who is she talking about?

"I was trying to get better, I'm sorry. I-I love you. I always have." she cries, gasping for air.

My heart hurts but swells at the admittance. I want to say that I love her too, but I can't. All that comes out of my mouth is,

"I'm coming over there." I turn my car around to head to her direction.

I try to talk to her, to ask her what's wrong, but she never answers my questions, only saying that she's sorry. She hangs up, and I panic more. I arrive at her place, running up to her apartment, as I open the door with the spare key she gave me.

Running in, I see her on the floor, lying there like a broken angel, unconscious. I see the pill bottles and my heart drops down to my stomach. It felt like a blur; me running over to her, and putting her in a bathtub with water, letting her lay on me as we both get soaked under her shower head. I take my two fingers and plunge them deeply into her throat, cringing slightly. A few moments go by and I hear coughing and gagging, throwing up the pills and bile that was left in her throat. She gasps for air, clutching on to my hand as I continue to comfort her, by rubbing her back and brushing her hair out of her face. She turns to me and cries.

"I-I'm sorry," she says through sobs.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay," I softly say to her as she wraps me in one of her hugs. "You're going to be okay... I'm gonna help you- we'll get through this together." I use my free hand to turn off the water and we just lie there, cuddling. I kiss the top of her head, as she sniffles into my shirt. Tears sting my eyes, but I need to be strong.

"I'm proud of you," I whisper to her.

"Why?" she whispers back, grasping my body to pull me closer to her.

"Because you called me." I say.

After about ten more minutes of us sitting in her tub, I gently help her out of the water, giving her a towel, and some warm clothes. She keeps the bathroom door cracked open slightly as she changes. I then change and walk to her bedroom where she is.

"C-can you stay the night? Like sleep in the bed with me, please. I want someone here with me." she stutters nervously.

"Of course," I reply softly.

I get into the bed with her as she pulls me closer to her body. I kiss her forehead and she lies down on my chest.

"Thank you, Spencer." she whispers before falling into her own quiet slumber.

"I would do anything for you." I whisper back, not really meaning for her to hear it, but she looks up at me and smiles softly, that beautiful smile of hers. I take my thumb and gently caress her cheek with it. My cheeks burn a light pink but I am sure she can't see it as it is dark in her room, besides the white glowing moon casting a shiny glow on to her, making her look like a fairy.

As I drift off to sleep, I am reminded of what she said earlier... about her loving me.

'I love you too, Y/n', I think to myself. 'I always will.'

___________________________________________________________________________

AN: SAD. SAD. SAD. this chapter is very sad, I know, but I promise that it will get happier (there is a happy ending!!! i love happy endings!)

love you all!

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255

youtube

#spencerreid #spencerreidxreader #drspencerreid #criminalmindsspencerreid #criminalmindsfanfic #angst #suicideawareness

21 notes · View notes

jaceyneedsabetterusername · 3 years

Text

Files

Pairings: Sam Winchester x Reader

Trope: Enemies to lovers @serenityhayato ( WRITTEN FOR @negans-lucille-tblr‘s SPN FIC EXCHANGE )

Warnings: Death of a friend, Canonical Gore (werewolf attack), Cursing, Smut (rough Sam, light choking, hand job, oral if you squint- male receiving, unprotected sex), Probably sex at inappropriate times if I’m being honest

Word Count: 7500 (I am so sorry I didn’t realize until I went to post this that it had a 3k word limit… this was definitely my bad but I’ve spent a week writing this and really didn’t want to scrap the whole thing to fit the word limit. I didn’t realize how carried away I got in the set up)

A/N: I have never written anything for Sam before, much less smut, but I wanted to give it a shot. I’m sorry if it’s totally OOC. I was trying to go off the knowledge that he’s canonically pretty rough in bed. I also couldn’t imagine him being super talkative and vocal. I don’t know, I’m just kinda stressed about this one. Also, this was probably definitely an inappropriate time for them to get down and dirty but my brain was glitching on any other idea so I hope you don’t hate it! Happy holidays!

________________

Sam Winchester.

The name alone made your blood boil.

You’d met the man for the first time, just before your hunting career began and quite frankly, you weren’t sure if you could ever truly forgive him for what he’d done.

–

It was the first semester of your senior year of college, a proud graduate-to-be of your dream university. Life had been great since you got to college. Old toxic relationships with people back home had practically disappeared, you’d formed a group of the best people you’d ever met, and your academics had been going strong.

Life was going great until people started disappearing only to turn up days later, slaughtered and nearly drained of blood. Anxiety was running high all across the board. The university even turned all night classes to online courses to prevent the likelihood of someone being abducted at night. Your best friend had started acting weird. She constantly shook as if she’d drank a pot of coffee for breakfast and was always looking over her shoulder. “It’s okay, Beth,” You tried to reassure her, “I know everyone is on edge but we’re doing everything we can to stay safe. Just make sure to bring your wooden stake in case the vampire attacks.” You chuckled weakly, knowing your nerve-fueled joke was definitely inappropriate considering that four people had actually died from whoever was out there but humor was a good coping mechanism.

Beth didn’t appreciate the joke at all and had run out of your apartment, disappearing. When she hadn’t returned by seven that night, you got worried enough to go look for her. Grabbing every self defense weapon you had, which was pepper spray, a pocket knife, and a key chain that looked cute but was actually a form of brass knuckles with sharp extrusions on it, you left your apartment to look for Beth, surprisingly well strapped.

You started with her favorite spots: a hipster coffee shop on Main Street, Taco Bell, that one bench in the botanical gardens that overlooked the pond, and the fourth floor of the library. She was nowhere to be seen. You were on the verge of calling the police or those FBI agents that had been questioning people on campus, asking some weird questions from what people had told you. You’d never spoken with them but they did say to come to them with information if anyone had any. You didn’t but they’d be a good start to finding Beth. Where to find them though? Figuring it would be best to just start with campus police, you walked across campus, looking over your shoulder every few seconds. The hair on your neck stood on end and it was impossible to feel safe. Campus police was located on the opposite end of campus and the busses stopped running early on weekdays so walking was your only choice.

“No, please!” You heard a man whimper from somewhere in the trees to your side. You stopped in your tracks and your heart dropped to your stomach. Should you help? Should you run? Should you stay here and call 911?

But then you heard Beth’s voice, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I can’t control it anymore!” And then screams. There were deafening screams of pain and you decided to say screw it. You ran down to try and protect your friend, even though you knew it was probably the last thing you’d ever do. This was stupid. What could you even do? Who knew what was down there attacking them?

When you saw them though, you stopped, skidding to a halt on the leaf covered hill. Beth was knelt over a man’s body, his backpack thrown to the side and ripped open. Though you were quiet, she must have heard you because her attention was whipped to you in an instant. Her face and shirt were covered in blood. It was obvious she’d been eating him or something along those lines.

You felt like a deer in headlights, utterly frozen in terror, denial, and confusion. “I can’t control myself anymore…” she admitted, a regretful sob hiccuping from her lips.

“Why?” You breathed out the question, silent tears falling. Whether they were for fear for your life or just the knowledge that someone you cared about could do something so horrible, you didn’t know.

Before she could answer, there was a loud bang and she fell dead. You flinched and covered your head, crouching instinctively from the gunshot. Your best friend slumped over dead and, despite the fact that you’d just watched her brutally murder some poor stranger, you couldn’t help but call out in shock and horror, “Beth!"

Two men came running down the hill, one of them to Beth’s body and the other to you. "She’s dead. Werewolf, just like we thought.” The man with short hair announced in a deep gruff voice.

“Are you alright?” The one who had come up to asked. He looked a little younger than the other, with longer hair too.

You were shaking, “What the hell just happened?"

"I know this is hard to understand but your friend over there… wasn’t human.” When he said it, you almost scoffed. Of course she was human. What the hell else would she be? Monsters weren’t real.

“You’re kidding me…” You said almost angrily. Then something hit you, “Wait, you’re those FBI detectives.”

The one with short hair walked up to you and the man talking to you. The taller one spoke again, “I’m Sam and this is my brother Dean. We aren’t really FBI. We hunt monsters. Monsters like your friend over there."

"She wasn’t a monster.” You said, a single tear finally falling down your cheek. Glancing over, you saw her lying dead on the ground, “Not the Beth I knew."

"Well then you didn’t know the real Beth because one look at that thing will tell you she ain’t human.” Dean told you bluntly.

Sam noticed the confusion, fear, and anger in your eyes. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen this. It was never easy to tell people they were close to the truth and he preferred to just stay out of it completely but that wasn’t an option this time. “Look, I know this is difficult to understand. But Beth was a werewolf. And yes, they are real. Most monsters are. We’ve been tracking her for weeks."

"W-was she always like this?” Your mind whirled as you struggled to comprehend, truly comprehend, what was happening.

Sam shook his head, “She was turned by a werewolf back in her hometown a few weeks ago. We tracked her from a pack we hunted down over there.” You remembered when she came back, she had a big bandage on her arm. When you asked about it, she brushed it off, saying she ate it racing her brother on longboards. It was probably the bite.

“The fact that she made it as long as she did without killing is honestly impressive. I’ve seen some turn and right away they’re slaughtering people.” Dean chimed in. You hoped their words would console you but they only served to make you angrier.

“So you’re telling me that she was attacked by a werewolf and then turned into one? She was probably terrified! She kept saying how sorry she was! You could have helped her! But you just killed her!” You screamed at them angrily.

“Your friend murdered a bunch of people. Once they turn, there’s no saving them. They’re killers.” Dean said with such conviction that it almost scared you.

Sam put a hand out to Dean, signaling for him to shut up, “There’s only one known way to stop the transformation but it has a really low success rate, is extremely painful, and needs to be administered almost right after the bite. I’m sorry.” He reached a hand out to comfort you but you dodged it, shrugging off his gesture and beginning to walk away.

“I need to go."

"Wait!” Sam called out behind you and you stopped.

“What?!” You snapped, spinning around to stare at him. It was rare that anyone dwarfed Sam Winchester but since you’d been walking up the small hill, you towered over him. The way you glared down at him made him jump.

His words faltered before he finally spoke, “You can’t tell anyone about this. If people knew monsters existed-"

"I’ll decide how I deal with the fact that my apparently werewolf best friend was just murdered by some dudes who think they’re Ghostbusters."

—

Sam saddled up to the bar next to you and promptly ordered two beers. You kept your eyes straight ahead, not sure of what you’d say to him if you made eye contact. You could feel him side eyeing you curiously. Finally, he looked over, "I’m sorry if this is strange but you look so familiar. Have we met?"

You swiveled in the chair to face him, "It’s been a while but yeah. We’ve met. Remember that werewolf at (your college) about a year ago."

Realization dawned on his face, "Oh… I knew you looked familiar.” He didn’t sound excited like people usually did when they saw old friends because he knew you weren’t old friends. In fact, he assumed you felt quite the opposite and he understood why. “I never did catch your name."

"Y/N.” You informed shortly, taking a sip of your preferred poison.

Sam rocked back on his heels, “Well, uh, what are you doing out here?” It was Middletown, Arkansas, not exactly a happening place, so seeing you of all people here seemed almost too good to be a coincidence.

“I get the feeling the same reason you are.” You answered, eyebrows rising to infer a hunt.

It didn’t take long for Sam to figure what you meant, “Wait, you’re hunting now? Why?"

"After you guys left, I was devastated. You’d murdered my best friend,” you watched him sink into himself a little when you said that but continued seamlessly, “I was left alone with the sudden knowledge that monsters existed. I decided one day that I wanted to protect people like Beth. You know, the ones that innocently stumble into dangerous situations and have their lives ruined by a bite or scratch."

The tall Winchester brother was about to say something but Dean called from a few tables over, "Sammy!” He called out, pointing to a booth on the side wall. The bar was fairly busy for it being such a small town, with people playing pool or eating fries with their gin and tonics. Music played in the background and, though it wasn’t a song you knew off the top of your head, it sounded like every other dive bar in towns like this.

Sam held up a finger to his brother, begging pardon for just a second, before looking back over to you, “Look, I’m really sorry about everything. I really am. I know it doesn’t help but I’ve lost friends who were turned as well so I know how you feel.”

“Yeah, well, shit happens, right?” Your voice sounded anything but forgiving but it also wasn’t hostile either. It was more matter-of-fact. As much as you had hated Sam Winchester for what he had taken from you, if there was one thing you had learned over these last few months it was that shit really does happen. As hard as you tried, you really couldn’t save them all.

Sam glanced back over his shoulder to see Dean wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at him, clearly thinking you were someone Sam was trying to pick up for the night. Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to you, “If we’re both here for the vamp nest, then do you maybe want to come work with us?"

You thought for a moment. In all honesty, you had been under the impression that it was just one vampire wreaking havoc on the small town. Call it a novice mistake, because in all actuality, you really were still a relatively new hunter. One vampire you could take, a whole nest would be trickier. "Fine. But just so we don’t die."

You hopped off the barstool, glass of liquid fire in your hand, as you followed Sam back to the booth Dean was sitting at. At first, the older brother looked confused as to why his brother would bring his company for the night to meet him but didn’t say anything about it when you sat down beside Sam across the table from Dean.

"This is Y/N. She’s gonna help us work the case.” Sam announced, not leaving much room for objection.

Dean’s eyes studied you, “You look familiar. You’re a hunter?” He asked, trying to piece together why he recognized you.

You shrugged, “Am now but you know me from ‘bout a year ago when you guys killed my best friend. She was bit by a werewolf. Remember, that college girl?"

Realization dawned on his face, "Oh… yeah. Sorry about that but she was, y'know, a werewolf. So-” he shrugged insensitively, earning him a hard kick in the shin from Sam under the table. Dean looked back with that expression of 'what?’ That little kids had when they got in trouble.

“Well, anyways, she’s hunting now and is in town for the nest. I figured working together would be our best option.” Sam tried to be a peaceful moderator but it was hard when he knew how much you loathed him. It was frustrating, really, that you wouldn’t just see that Beth had become a monster. He understood that losing friends was hard but she had been killing innocent people.

“What’s the plan, then? We want to pick them off one by one so there’s less to fight at once or-” you began before Dean interrupted.

He shook his head, chewing some fries he’d shoved in his mouth while he spoke, “Nuh-uh. Gank the whole nest at once. Get 'em all in one place and torch it."

"Okay, well where’s the nest then?” You questioned.

Sam shrugged, “We don’t know yet. That’s what we gotta figure out."

"I have a file of police reports and eye witnesses on my laptop back at my hotel. I was just gonna grab a map of the town while I was out tonight to try and see if I could draw a location from the attacks.” You hadn’t planned on actually bringing work to do at the bar. You’d mostly come to see if you could overhear any drunken tales of vampires around town but it had been pretty dead as far as crazy stories so far.

Something behind you caught Dean’s attention and he leaned in close to you and Sam, “Hey, I’ll be back. Don’t wait up.” He said with a smirk and a wink.

As his brother stood, Sam threw his hand up in exasperation, “Where are you going?"

"Hopefully for a homerun.” Dean winked with a cocky smirk before walking away. You turned around to follow Dean with your gaze and immediately saw his target sitting at the bar, a beautiful African American woman with bouncing curls and a sultry smile on her berry stained lips. Honestly, you couldn’t’ say you blamed the older Winchester one bit.

Sam let out a huff of disappointment and rolled his eyes at his brother’s priorities. “Guess it’s just you and me then…” He groaned, not at the prospect of having to spend time with you but just at his brother’s laziness. Dean always managed to find an excuse out of the research part.

“Great.” You responded, unamused. Of the two brothers, Sam was the one you had an issue with- the trigger man on the night that changed your life. “Well, we should get a start on all this so we can get out of here sooner. If you didn’t get any food, you wanna head back to my room?”

The second the words left your mouth, you realized how it sounded and you became a bumbling mess, “Wait- I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant-”

Sam bit back a chuckle and raised his hand up off the table, motioning for you to stop, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He laughed, long hair shining in the dim light as he moved to turn away from you with closed eyes while he chuckled. It really was a shame that he had done what he’d done to you. An opportunity with such a handsome man just had to be killed by his lack of compassion all those months ago.

You slid out of the booth, “Alright, well, I guess I’ll drive. Looks like Dean will be needing your car.” You smirked knowingly as you glanced over at Dean who had the woman he’d had eyes on in stitches over something he’d said.

Sam followed your lead, “Sounds good. I don’t think I want to be in the car after whatever they do anyways.”

Your black 2007 Honda Pilot was clean enough to not be totally embarrassed about but then you saw Sam’s little snort, “A Honda Pilot?”

“We can’t all have cool muscle cars or old trucks, jackass. I can go all terrain with decent gas mileage. Besides, I’d rather sleep in the back of this than your gas guzzler. She’s surprisingly spacious.” You defended your vehicle rather seriously, running your hand across the dash soothingly. The funny thing was that you’d really never been all too attached to the car until Sam insinuated insulting remarks about it.

“She?” He quipped with a raised brow, climbing into the passenger seat.

You slammed the door shut and started the engine, “Yes, she. Dahlia.”

Sam put his hands up, resigning his teasing assault on your car. The drive to the motel was short. You never really liked travelling too far from where you were staying when you didn’t have to. Hunting on your own, especially as a newbie, made you anxious. When you pulled into the parking lot, Sam looked out the window, “You’re staying here too?”

You looked over at him, “You guys are staying here?”

He nodded and patted his pockets, looking for the room key but quickly finding the gesture useless, “Room 24. You?”

“34. You must be right under me.” You said, again visibly cringing at your poor word choice, “You know what I mean.”

Sam tried his hardest not to smile, “Wasn’t gonna say anything.” He assured. You pulled into a space right in front of room 24 and parked. Sam followed you up to your room, which was relatively untouched still. You’d only arrived that morning so, aside from your bag of belongings that was thrown onto the single queen bed, the motel room was still as you had found it.

Sam closed the door behind the two of you and you grabbed your laptop from the bag. So many rooms you’d stayed in had little tables or desks but you quickly noticed that this one was lacking. As Sam awkwardly shuffled up to the bed where you sat casually, you noticed that there wasn’t really enough room for the two of you to work on the ground either.

With a huff, you scooted over, “You can sit on the bed. Just no shoes on the covers.” You had toed your own shoes off on the floor before tucking your legs underneath you. Sam sat beside you, careful to keep a respectful distance between your bodies, while you opened the lid of your laptop and began typing away.

“Alright, this is what I have so far.” You began.

Time became lost on you and Sam as midnight rolled around and you were still discussing the facts of the case. “I’m still confused as to why the hell you think Lenora’s body turning up on Seventh St and Jason’s body turning up on Hargrove Ave means the nest is on Willow Dr.” You were getting annoyed at Sam. In all honesty, you were annoyed at yourself for not seeing what he saw because as much as you hated to admit it, he was probably right. He and his brother hadn’t earned their reputations for being wrong. But, geez, why did it have to be Sam Winchester?

“Because it’s not so much Jason’s body. The old lady, Meredith, made a phone call to her nephew, saying she was at Willow Dr, just before she attacked.” Sam pointed at the map of the town with one finger while leaning his weight back on the bed. His other hand reached back to prop himself up but you quickly flinched away when you felt his rough fingers blindly land on your own.

Sam’s eyes shot wide when you felt your sudden movement, “‘M sorry.” He said, moving his hand closer to his body.

The contact made your heart race in a way that made you simultaneously crave his touch again and be angry at yourself for feeling that way. You cursed yourself, scooting an inch or so away from Sam’s body. Clearly, your body was just blindly reacting after being touch starved for so long. You hadn’t so much as kissed anyone since before you became a hunter. It had to just be a primal reaction, nothing more.

“I’ll just take your word for it.” You grumbled, returning to the original matter at hand. You hated feeling like you were just letting him think he was right about everything but you were getting tired. “So what’s the plan? Gank ‘em all tomorrow night?”

Sam shrugged, “We’d have to talk to Dean. Most of them will probably be hiding in the nest in the morning to avoid the sun so at least they’d be in one place. But night gives us more time to plan. Who knows when he’ll be back.”

“Why don’t we just lure them all out into the sun and watch them burn?” You suggested, thinking it was a brilliant idea. You actually had yet to deal with vamps. This would be your first case hunting them and you were actually a little excited to learn something new.

The Winchester shook his head, “The sun doesn’t kill them. Think less Interview With a Vampire and more… bad sunburn.” He explained, “Have you never hunted one before?”

Again, you got defensive, “I’m still new at this. I mostly stick to werewolves and ghosts.” Admitting to yourself you needed to learn more was one thing. Admitting it to Sam was another.

He looked over at the gun on your nightstand, “Is that what you were gonna use?” He questioned, brows furrowed.

“No, I’m not dumb. I have some wooden stakes in the car.”

It took everything in Sam’s power to not laugh at you. At you felt like the wrong way to put it. He wasn’t laughing at you. He just found your determination to be a good hunter cute in an endearing way, even if you got your information from cheesy TV shows.

“What?” You asked, almost angrily, seeing the look of amusement on his face.

Sam shook his head, “Decapitation is the main way to kill vampires. Unless you have special bullets or weapons, cutting off the heads is the easiest way to go.”

Your jaw clenched and you turned away from him, upset that he of all people had to explain something that was apparently Hunter 101. You didn’t mind learning. Not knowing things typically was just an opportunity to pick something new up but this incident just felt like nails on a chalkboard.

“You know what? It looks like you and Dean have things handled here. I’m gonna go. Divide and conquer. I’ll just go find somewhere with monsters that I know about so you don’t have to babysit me.” You stood up aggressively, voice surprisingly calm and just almost convincing enough to make him think you weren’t being petty, which of course you were. You didn’t mean to be acting childish. It was just that running into Sam and Dean had been enough to handle. Having what was still left for you to learn shoved in your face was just the cherry on top.

Sam stood up after you, exasperated, “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re still new to this and everyone has to start somewhere. Hell, Dean and I are still learning new stuff all the time.”

“It’s not that. This was just a bad idea. I thought I could handle working with you but I can’t.” You shook your head, turning around just to reach around Sam’s body and grab the jacket that you’d discarded before shrugging it back over your shoulders. You started shoving the few things you’d unpacked- a gun, your laptop, and some files- back into your blue duffel bag.

Sam had always considered himself fairly level-headed and capable of dealing with difficult people but something in him snapped when he saw you packing up to leave over something so stupid, “Fine, go ahead and leave. We’ll deal with the nest without you. But you know what? Nobody asked you to get involved in hunting. You can’t just go run off every time someone dies.”

You scoffed, “I got into hunting to prevent people from dying. I got into hunting to try and save them from being killed by people like you!”

“You’re acting like we just kill everyone we come across. We kill monsters, Y/N. We save people by killing them. We prevent more people from getting turned into monsters by killing them. And you know what? Beth became a monster.” Sam’s voice raised to almost a yell as he gestured widely and aggressively.

“Beth was scared and you murdered her!” You shouted angrily, tears welling in your eyes.

“Beth was killing people!” Sam yelled at you before taking a moment to breathe, continuing more calmly, “Can’t you see that? Most of these monsters we hunt were just poor bastards in the wrong place at the wrong time. There’s not a lot we can do for people like that. But we can keep them from hurting others. If we had known there was a werewolf back in Beth’s hometown, we could have killed them before they could turn her and she would still be here. Would you be angry if we’d have killed the werewolf that turned her? Would you still be calling me a murderer?”

You chewed your tongue in your mouth hard, trying to use the physical pain to distract you from the urge to cry out of frustration. Why did he have to make sense? Why did he have to confirm every rational thought you’d ever had concerning the situation? You wanted to hate Sam Winchester for what he’d done but you knew deep down that it was never that simple. You knew he had a point but you didn’t want to admit it.

Sam saw the way your jaw clenched angrily, the way your throat moved as you swallowed hard, and the way your eyes glistened with unshed tears. He took a step closer to you and reached a gentle hand out towards your arm, “I am sorry that you lost your best friend.”

For some reason, the gentle sincerity of his voice is what broke you. Tears fell down your face in hot streams as you cried. They weren’t tears for Beth’s death. Those had long been drained from you, many nights spent mourning what you’d lost. These tears were for the final snap of your animosity for the Winchester. You had spent so long hating him. You wanted to hate him, needed to hate him, but how the hell were you supposed to do that when he looked you in the eye and truly meant it when he said he was sorry.

There was a twinge of pain in his own green eyes that made you realize that he truly had experienced the same sort of heartache that you did and that he was sincerely apologetic for being the cause of it. But it was also clear that, while he was sorry for hurting you, he was not sorry for what he had done. Part of the cause for your tears was that you were angry with yourself for not being able to hate him, despite knowing that he didn’t regret killing Beth. You were crying because he was right. She had become a monster and, in his shoes, you probably would have done the same thing. You would have shot your best friend.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, voice shaky as you did.

Sam used his light grip on your arm to pull you in slowly for a hug, his large arms enveloping you in a surprisingly comforting embrace. You buried your face into his flannel, tears staining the fabric. One of his large hands gently cradled the base of your head while his other rubbed up and down your shaking back.

He didn’t know what to say anymore. Your response had honestly surprised him. The girl that he was used to receiving nothing but animosity from was now shaking in his arms and apologizing. “It’s okay,” was all Sam could think to mutter out.

He held you like that for a while, though you weren’t sure exactly how long it was. It could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes and you would be none the wiser but all you knew was that you didn’t want Sam to let you go and, for once, you didn’t hate yourself for it. The tears had dried, leaving only slightly stiff feeling skin in their place. Your breath had long since stopped leaving your lungs in wracked hiccups. Your arms had moved from resting on his broad chest to being loosely wrapped around his waist at some point.

You pulled back first, lifting your head from his chest but keeping your hands on his body still. Sam lifted his cheek off your head, where it had been residing in a surprisingly soft show of affection, and he gazed down at you. You were amazed by how completely you had let your rage blind you. Before tonight, Sam was nothing more than scum to you but now, looking into his eyes after forgiving him, you realized that he was easily one of the most beautiful men you’d ever laid your eyes on.

Even with the tears now gone, Sam still saw the dim light of the cheap motel lamp sparkled against the color of your irises and damn if it wasn’t beautiful. He slid his hand up from your shoulder to gently brush away a few thin strands of hair that had stuck to your cheek while it was pressed against his chest- a feeling he found himself missing. His breath caught in his throat when you reached up to cover his hand with your smaller one, pressing it gently to stay on your cheek.

Your eyes slid closed and you gently nuzzled against his hand before opening your eyes again, reaching around his neck, and oh so slowly pulling him down while you perched on your tiptoes. There was more than enough time for Sam to pull away but he didn’t. In fact, much to your surprise, he closed the gap between you faster. His lips pressed to yours, rougher than you anticipated, but enjoyably nonetheless.

The breath was knocked out of your lungs and you struggled to breathe against his lips but refused to pull away. You bit his lip gently while you kissed, slipping your tongue against his when he gave in to what you were craving.

Sam reached down under your ass and lifted you without you even needing to jump. A squeal of surprise was swallowed by his lips as he walked you both to the bed. Once his legs bumped the old mattress, he sat down, lowering you to land on his lap. Your knees fell to either side of his hips where you gave an experimental rotation of your hips against his clothed erection. He let out a strangle exhalation at the friction, his fingers digging into your ass and pulling you harder onto him. The fabric of his rough jeans rubbed delicious against your clothed core, a wetness beginning to form in your panties.

Slowly, you pressed your weight forward and Sam allowed you to push him onto his back. You laid on top of him, lips moving from his lips down his neck but he didn’t let you get far. Sam placed a supportive hand on the small of your back and managed to flip you both over so he was on top and before you knew it, he was devouring you. Lips kissed hot trails across your face and down your neck, across the tops of your breasts that were ever so slightly revealed by your v-neck t-shirt.

Your fingers tangled in his long hair and he let out a breathy groan when you tugged on the brunette locks, pulling him closer to you. Sam crawled down your body, his hands sliding up underneath your shirt to run across your burning skin beneath. He felt like heaven and hell all in one, burning with fiery lust and yet so sweet and comforting despite the fervor with which he moved.

You pushed yourself up, pushing Sam to sit back on his knees while you did, all without breaking the kiss, to shrug off your jacket. Your shirt was next, falling onto the floor with your jacket before Sam pushed you backwards again, your back hitting the mattress. His large hand started low your belly, running straight up between the valley of your breasts and then raking downwards, pulling the cups of your bra down and grazing your nipples deliciously with his calloused fingers.

It had been so long since you’d been touched like this that even the small act had your back arching into his body. “Sam…” You breathed out, eyes sliding closed at the sensation. Every flick against your sensitive buds sent a shock straight to your core that had you hooking your leg around his hip, pulling him closer into you. Your hands ran up and down his large biceps before moving to pull the sleeves of his flannel down his arms. He only pulled away from you long enough to throw the restricting clothing on the ground, his shirt joining short after.

Your mouth started physically salivating at the sight of the man before you, sculpted by the gods. Defined pectorals and rippling abs covered his torso, adorned with a symbol that looked like a pentagram inside of a sun- a symbol you were unfamiliar with. Sam didn’t give you much time to marvel though because he was back to kissing a line down your body, the light stubble of his beard tickling the sensitive skin of your neck and chest. He stopped to revel in your breasts, wiggling his hands under your body to expertly unclasp your bra and shimmy it off you. The second they were revealed to him, his tongue was dragging across the supple sick and his teeth were lightly nibbling at the sensitive buds.

“Oh my gosh-” You let out in a breathy giggle. Sam switched breasts, giving the other equal attention. Your fingernails raked lightly over his shoulders and across his chest and you felt Sam shiver at the touch. His lips trailed lower and lower until they found the waistline of your jeans. With a quick flick of his fingers, the button was popped and the denim material was dragged down your legs, taking your socks with them as they were pulled over your ankles. He kissed his way back up your legs, from ankle until he slowly inched closer and closer to where you wanted him most.

His scruff scraped along the sensitive skin of your inner thighs and you bit your lip at the sensation, unsure if you were trying to hold back a giggle from the ticklish feeling or a moan from the shocks it sent to your core. Sam chuckled to himself when he saw the wet patch of cloth over your clothed heat. He’d barely touched you and you were already dripping for him.

He had a wicked idea though. He got closer and closer to your sex, the smell intoxicating, and gripped your thighs tightly, possibly leaving bruises. Just when his lips were about to land on your core, he moved to the left, kissing your hip bones instead and back up your belly.

Annoyed by the teasing, you sat up, pulling Sam up gently by the hair to be face to face with you. Your ass was a few inches from the edge of the bed, toes just touching the ground, when you pushed Sam back just enough to be able to reach his pants. You hooked your fingers into the belt loops on either side of his pelvis and pulled him close to you. His forehead pressed flush against yours, “Are you gonna keep being a tease or are you gonna fuck me already, Winchester?”

Sam didn’t need to be told twice. He made quick work of his remaining clothing and hovered over you like a predator about to move in for the kill. “You want me to just fuck you already?” He mimicked, voice low and testing. His green eyes bore into your own orbs with a challenge that you refused to back down from.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” You challenged, standing up and sliding your underwear down your legs, all while keeping unyielding eye contact with Sam. Once they left your form with a small flick of your toes, a dark smirk krept up on his face.

“Turn around.” He demanded and, while you were inwardly more than happy to comply, you didn’t want him to think he had you quite that easy.

You rolled your eyes as you did, an sinful smirk playing on your lips, “Yes, sir.” You chimed sarcastically.

Before you knew it, you were bent over at the waist, face and chest pressed into the mattress by Sam’s nearly crushing body. His hand snaked around your front, picking up some of your slickness on his fingers before circling your clit while he growled in your ear, “Don’t know what the attitude’s about. You’re the one who asked to get fucked.”

Your knees quivered at his filthy words while his fingers worked your clit slowly and painfully. His rock hard erection rubbed along your ass, teasing your entrance every now and again as he rocked his hips against your body. He stood up and removed his hand from your clit. Your hips moved back, trying desperately to chase his fleeting touch. Sam groaned when your body slid over his cock, skin burning against his own. After a few experimental tugs at his own member, he positioned himself at your entrance, giving you a few moments to back out if that was what you’d wanted. Backing out was so far from what you wanted though. You wanted - nay, needed - him inside of you and you needed him now. You were convinced you’d combust if he made you wait any longer.

His hands landed on your hips to help guide a slow thrust forward. His length gradually entered you, the searing stretch to accommodate him making your muscles contract around him. Sam hisses out a sound of pleasure, “You’re so tight.”

His first few thrusts were slow, each time managing to grind impossibly deeper into you. “Fuck, Sam.” Your fingers wound tightly in the sheets with each thrust of his hips and your eyes screwed shut as your breaths came out almost as hisses through grit teeth.

Sam used his leverage on your hips to move your body in time with his thrusts. Each motion sent your body into the mattress, the bed shaking as he pounded into you. You let out little squeaks of pleasure every now and again but Sam wanted to hear more out of the girl who’d had nothing to say to him but spiteful things for so long.

A large hand came to clasp around your throat, not tight enough to choke you but enough to guide you up. You pressed your body up to your feet sloppily on your hands but standing proved to be a difficult task with Sam still moving relentlessly into you. Your thighs were shaking, barely able to support your weight, as this new angle allowed for Sam to hit that spot inside you that made your toes curl. His hand stayed around your throat, tightening along the sides of your neck when he lost himself in the way you felt around him- warm and soft. You were grateful that he was letting your head lull back against his shoulder otherwise you weren’t sure if you’d be able to stay upright.

Sam’s free hand first sloppily groped around the front of your chest until it found one of your breasts, kneading it roughly. The rough skin of his fingers grazed your nipples yet again, only adding to the pleasure you felt below. The knot was tightening and it was tightening fast.

“Please-” You managed to gasp out, not because of the choking (his grip wasn’t that tight) but because the electricity in the room seemed to have stolen your voice. Sam’s hand moved from your nipples down to your clit where he rubbed fast tight circles. “Oh my gosh, yes!” You whined, reaching up overhead to tangle your fingers in his hair. You forced his mouth down to meet yours and the pressure in your core snapped. Your moans and cries of pleasure were swallowed by Sam’s lips and he could have swallowed a thousand more.

He worked you through your orgasm until your body went limp in his arms. Slowly, he came to a stop before pulling out and quickly working himself in his hands. After catching your breath though, you turned back to Sam, placed your hands on his shoulders, and used them to spin the two of you around and push him back onto the bed. His long legs hung over the edge and you settled yourself between his knees, gently grasping his member, still slick with your wetness, and worked him with your hand.

Sam lied back on the white duvet, head thrown back in bliss at your touch. Your hand felt so much better than his own as it worked up and down his shaft before coming up to circle around the tip. He was rock hard and ready to burst at any given moment. When you leaned forward to like a long stripe along the underside of his cock, he was done for. A few more pumps and Sam fell apart in your hand, painting your hand and his stomach with his seed. “Shit!” The muscles of his abs contracted mesmerizingly as the waves of his high rolled over him.

Your hand slowed as his climax came to an end, his member softening in your hand. You wiped the mess he’d made on your hand on your breasts and stomach, knowing it would be easier to keep those parts of you off the covers than your hand. With a heavy sigh of crashing relief, your body fell onto the mattress beside Sam and you both stared at the ceiling in a fucked out post-coital haze.

“So, does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?” Sam asked after a few moments, surprising you with the genuine tone behind the semi-joking question.

You stared up at the chipping popcorn ceiling, “I didn’t for like two seconds but now I do again just because those were the first words out of your mouth.” Your voice was steady, unwavering, and Sam cringed inwardly, avoiding eye contact entirely. That is, until you sighed and continued, “But, I guess, if you wanted to take me out for a drink sometime there’s a slim chance I wouldn’t object.” This time, there was a teasing smile on your face when you turned your head to look at Sam.

#spnsecretsantaficexchange #SPN #supernatural #Sam Winchester #sam winchester smut #sam winchester fic #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester x you #sam winchester x y/n #jared padalecki #jared padalecki smut #jared padalecki imagine

160 notes · View notes

supernatural-jackles · 3 years

Text

Fics of 2020 - Masterlist

Words Shared: 402,493 Words Written: 501,289 Favourite Fic: Living Your Life - Jensen x Reader Favourite Series: Owe You One - Dean x Reader Goal for 2021: 500,000 words and to complete ALL my bingo cards. Read more!

A big thank you to everyone who read through all of those words! Even bigger thank you to those who left their own words behind on each one. Y’all are amazing and there is a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate each and every one of you. 💜

Fitting a Square into a Circle - Dean x Reader

~~After a hunt with an old friend goes a little different than you planned, you make a call to the Winchester’s to help you out of a nasty situation. A situation that leaves you with more wounds than anyone really knew about. Square Filled: Dean Winchester for @spngenrebingo

Another Year - Dean x Reader

~~ It’s January 24th. You are awaiting the arrival of the Winchester brothers from a hunt so you can begin celebrating Dean’s birthday. When they do get home, things don’t quite go to plan. Squares Filled: Cuddling ( @spndeanbingo) Bed Sharing ( @spnfluffbingo) Kisses ( @spngenrebingo) Thigh Riding ( @spnkinkbingo)

Valentines Day Sucks - Jensen x Reader

~~Another Valentine’s Day has arrived. You are awaiting your fiancee, only to be stood up. Your best friend comes to the rescue unexpectedly with one of the same issues. Who knew two break ups on Hallmarks favourite holiday would result in some one on one time with someone you had been pushing your feelings down for. Square Filled: Post Break up AU ( @spnfluffbingo) Friends to Lovers ( @spngenrebingo) Accidental Kiss ( @spndeanbingo) Coitus Interruptus ( @spnkinkbingo)

A Night on the Town - Jensen x Reader

~~You’re attending your first Supernatural convention with your friends, only they ditch you to go out to a different bar. You are stuck waiting for them when an unfortunate event drives you out of a bar and straight to a man that you never expected to meet this way. Square Filled: Jensen Ackles ( @spngenrebingo) One Night Stand ( @spnkinkbingo)

The Man on the Side of the Road (Masterlist) - Dean x Reader

~~Driving down the road, going well over the speed limit. You come across a man walking in the opposite direction with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. His head cast down as he walked. Your gut instinct is telling you to check on this man, no matter what your parents told you growing up. Little did you know just how much this would change your life.

End the Night- Jensen x Reader

~~On a stormy Sunday evening, Jensen ends his birthday with his girlfriend who has something special to share with him. Squares Filled: Birthday ( @spngenrebingo) Laughing together ( @spnfluffbingo)

Owe You One - Dean x Reader (series)

~~Dean Winchester has been your best friend and neighbour for the last year. A year of finding comfort in random drop ins and casual conversations, but neither of you know the pasts that the other has. Not fully. Pasts that come back to haunt you, and ruin everything you want in life. Can you find what you’re seeking in a couple of favours and a good time between the sheets or is history doomed to repeat itself?

Isolation - Dean x Reader

~~ When the croatoan virus takes over half the country, you haul ass to the bunker where your two best friends are to keep you safe. Only, one of them you have had feelings for and the other keeps encouraging you to tell him.

Squares Filled: The Bunker (spndeanbingo) Cuddling (SPNFluffBingo)

D.W. - Dean x Reader

~~The reader ended things with Dean suddenly six months ago. A tragic fire leaves her in the hospital with one pissed off Winchester and a heartbroken brother who just wants to figure out why.

Squares filled: Tattoo (spnkinkbingo) Playing Pretend (spngenrebingo)

Here For the Weekend - Dean x Reader

~~You and Dean met on a dating app ten years after you last saw each other. The two of you matched and became close again, getting off to the sight of each other. Only, it’s not enough for you anymore and you have to decide whether to tell him how you feel or move on.

Squares Filled: Masturbation (spnkinkbingo) Long Distance Relationship (spngenrebingo)

Poison - Jensen x Reader

~~ An abrupt end to a friendship leaves you shattered inside. Words ringing in your head, over and over again. It takes it’s toll and damn near tears you in two. With the help of someone close to you, the words become whispers, and the wounds slowly begin to heal.

Square filled: Caught Red Handed (spnfluffbingo)

Seeing You Again - Jensen x Reader

~~Fifteen years had passed since you had seen the love of your life, Jensen Ackles. Your childhood sweetheart, the man of your dreams. The two of you separated against your wishes. Until he walks into your bakery one day without knowing you owned it. You never expected old feelings to resurface, let alone something more

Squares filled: Childhood Sweethearts (Spnfluff) First time (spngenre)

Been Hurt Before - Dean x Reader

~~You come face to face with your past in one of the least expected places. The face of trauma leaves you feeling like you had been toppled over. The biggest problem of all? Dean doesn’t know about your past and you don’t want him to see you any differently. Squares Filled: Angst to fluff (Spngenre)

The Arrangement

~~After a hunt gone wrong, you take Dean up on the extremely useful arrangement you both agreed on many years ago to help you get through the night.

Squares filled: Hurt/Comfort ( @spngenrebingo) Hunt Gone Wrong ( @spndeanbingo)

Two Weeks Notice - Jensen x Reader

~~ You’d think that working on the same set for six years would make you feel accomplished… not feeling like you don’t fit in anymore.

Square filled: Friendship (Dean Bingo)

One Mistake - Dean x Reader

~~the reader and the boys are on a witch hunt and the witch made a spell so the reader sees her dead family members and it’s driving her crazy,and dean helps her get through it and they confess they love each other?

Square Filled: Case!Fic (Dean)

Chocolate and Vanilla - Jensen x Reader

~~Jensen sets his best friend up on a blind date to get her back out in the dating world. Little does she know, the man he had in mind was someone that she could see a future with. Squares Filled: Handholding (Fluff) Friends to lovers (Dean)

Personal Assistant - Jensen x Reader

~~It’s review and raise week on set and you’re looking forward to yours. Only when you get yours, your whole world is flipped around followed by a week of hell. It isn’t until Jensen takes notice that you’re a little off that something gets done about it.

Squares Filled: Free Space (Fluff) Hugs (Dean)

This Feeling - Jensen x Reader

~~Depression and Anxiety are the world’s best team when it comes to taking you down. Your head convinces you of things that aren’t always true. Your best friend Jensen is there to remind you of that.

Square Filled: Free Space (Dean)

Know How it Feels - Dean x Reader

~~Normally, your monthly visitor is something you can handle and the boys can’t. An early period brings you a lot more pain than you anticipated. To Sam, it’s just cramps. Dean has a little more concern. Neither of them really know what it’s like to get your period and everything that comes along with it.

Squares Filled: Mutual Pining (Dean) Playing with their Hair (Fluff)

Some Kind of Sadness - Jensen x Reader

~~A Friday night shift at the coffee shop brings you an unexpected customer with a lot more than a cup of coffee on his mind. Squared Filled: Coffee Shop AU (Dean)

Nothing like Heart Break - Jensen x Reader

~~Tonight was the night you were finally going to meet the guy you had been talking to online for the last six months. The person you least expected showed up, leaving you speechless before taking off and heading home to your roommate, who has a few choice words to share.

Squares filled: Feelings Accidently Revealed (Fluff) Online Dating (Genre) Roommates (Dean)

Living Your Life - Jensen x Reader

~~A tragic accident leaves you on the side of the road, not daring to look down at the warm sensation your body is feeling. The only thing on your mind is the man you walked away from over a stupid fight. The feeling of regret is almost stronger than the pain from the injuries you sustained.

Squared Filled: Engagement (Fluff)

Fragile Heart - Dean x Reader

~~You’re out celebrating your new job with your two best friends. When you part ways, you find an attractive man sitting next to you. A man who you have more than a few things in common with, along with an attraction to one another that could get you into trouble. Squares Filled: One Night Stand with New Boss (Fluff)

One and One Make Three - Home for the Holidays

~~Jensen and the Reader are headed to New York to spend their first Christmas together as a couple with the Y/L/N’s. Jensen learns something about the Reader that has him wondering about any other hidden secrets.

All I Ever Wanted - Dean x Reader

~~You had been staying with the Winchester’s since the beginning of the quarantine. A nice, safe place to stay with your favourite people. After months of being stuck at home, you’re really missing out on hugs and affection and you’re wondering if you were wearing out your welcome in the Bunker.

Jensen Hugs - Jensen x Reader

~~A tough day has you calling your best friend Jensen for some much needed hugs.

Reasons to Keep Going - Jensen x Reader (Jensen’s POV)

~~Jensen heads home after a long day of shooting to celebrate the remain hour of October 23rd with his girl. A day that quickly became so significant in their relationship that they look back on it in detail as a reminder of how far one of them has come.

#Fics of 2020 #Masterlist #Little review #Proud of myself #accomplishments #Writer life #Jen updates #Jensen x Reader #Dean x Reader #Supernatural Fanfiction

113 notes · View notes