#i gotta plan and make to do lists so fucking hard ive only got two months

[madhushala]

🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯

#i gotta plan and make to do lists so fucking hard ive only got two months #im getting so excited about studying?! 😭 #i think now that finals are close enough i can see the path clear #its like that rumi quote the closer im to things the better i see how far im from them or something #i think i messed up second internals and i do not want to be casual anymore #i do not have time to be sad about if im getting involved in petty hostel shenanigans i want to study #idc if i end up scoring less that the girl who only studies night before and end up scoring more than everyone somehow im doing this for my #future #please god help me be focused and motivated please #im glad i skipped classes to spend these 9 days at home even if i can't go home for another four months and have to cry my brains out #ig ill be okay #ive lost all my hobbies and interests and all i can think about rn is jobs and internships so i think thats what i can do #study #if not the best at least consistent #okay maybe ill listen to ttpd #but STUDDDYYYYYY

[rabbitgardens]

welcoem to my fuck house

Red | 20 | it/its | main blog

making this sideblog to meet people to play games with and justify my ffxiv subscription!

I dont have very much experience with mmos, and my histories with both gw2 and ffxiv are Falling Madly In Love With It Before Ive Even Beaten The Tutorial and Buying All The Expansions and immediately falling off because of some kerfuffle or another game catching my attention. But i wanna get back into them now!

this blog is a big fat work in progress so mind the dust, I’ll make a proper character list with art/pictures and shit Later

(current list under readmore!)

GUILD WARS 2 CHARACTERS

Revylin- it/any sylvari, cycle of dusk,mesmer. Just call it Revyl! My current main im using to relearn the game! Got converted to the nightmare court as a sapling for its higher than usual magical aptitude, had an Awful Time and was rescued by the Wardens before it could become a knight. Now travels around tyria pursuing a wyld hunt he cant remember (itll be fine!! itll come back to him itll be fiiiiiine) working as a dancer/storyteller before getting tangled up in the Plot

Irysel- she/they sylvari elementalist. max level commander from my original 2019 playthrough! idk if i’ll ever play her again but i remember having such a blast with elementalist i’ll probably try her again eventually

Rika Sunstalker- he/they ash legion charr thief. old dnd character made gw character! the campaign he was in stopped so now he only exists here! a gladium, formerly rika sunblaze, who got his warband killed?? Somehow??? and took the stalker name/joins a pirate crew of other disgraced charr to travel and see the world (still working his details out adldjd)

(I havent made these next few characters ingame yet, but plan to once im farther along!)

Irene- he/she sylvari, cycle of noon, guardian. Warden turned adventurer turned revyl's travelling partner (and eventual co-commander and lover!) Very devout dreamer with a strong sense of justice and desire (read: overwhelming uncompromising need) to be the pale tree's most devout, prized, heroic son. Travels around tyria working up the ranks of the vigil, trying very very Vewy hard to fuffil a wyld hunt she cant remember (all he knows is that it Must be tied to revyl. thats why she feels that way whenever revyl looks at her, right?)

Toymaker Tazzi- she/it/they asura, college of dynamics, necromancer. toymaker who wants to Optimize fun. wants to algorithmically derive the perfect way to Have The Most Fun. do not let her get in contact with revyl shenanigans will ensue

Captain Ashlynn Wednesday- she/any blood legion charr elementalist. another old dnd character hit with the Youre A Charr Now beam! gladium, originally a warrior who nearly drowned during a mission and made a pact with a (dead god?? sea spirit?? sea demon??) to get her elementalist magic, potentially terrifying amounts of magical power held back by the fact that shes a Little Stupid and more likely to blow herself up than anyone else-

-------------

FFXIV CHARACTERS

Ciel D’luxe- he/they viera summoner/archer hes my little meow meow so full of problems. hes a drag queen. he has trust issues. hes trying to find love even though he thinks hes the wettest most miserable man in eorzea. his ex is hunting him for sport. the only reason he became a summoner was because he saw a carbuncle for the first time and Lost It. hes a bitch hes a lover hes my little booboo bear

(havent made these characters ingame yet but plan to!)

alta haragin- she/it au'ra pugilist/lancer (or pugilist/gladiator? i know i can technically have all three but shes gotta have two Mains yknow), Rapscallion Criminal turned pit fighter turned adventurer turned ciels girlfriend and co-captain of ciels adventuring party

drakaz verkach-he/him hroth hhhhheavy armor class of some sort. maybe he'll be the gladiator. the beavis to altas butthead. just here for a good time! please pay no attention to my myriad mental health issues/simultaneous identity crises

(this last guy is a joke character but i honestly cant gey him out of my head maybe ill make him a retainer like i wanna do with kaz)

nagayuki ittetsu-any pronouns au'ra(?) spellcaster who wants to ammase enough power to Become A Primal. he is always and forever getting tricked by ascians/beast clans/random fucking guys and gets Almost Murdered several times-

#about #ffxiv #gw2 #guild wars 2 #i know basically nothing about both of these games so im excited to jump back in! #-> tags for mobile #my art #my screens #talking tag

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

Summary:  Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM. 

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V /  Part VI /  Part VII /  Part VIII  / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

Almost two months after moving out of Beck’s place, Peter was able to rent an apartment in the same building as Ned and MJ. It was tiny, of course, but pretty inexpensive, compared to other options he found around that area. Besides, with the money he made with Just4Fans over those few weeks, he would be able to afford it comfortably for at least a few months – largely thanks to YKWIM. He still planned on saving up as much as possible, so he put a lot of effort into making his account grow and it was working – by the end of April, he was up to five hundred subscribers.

He didn’t check to see what Beck was doing, he was too afraid to look and see him with his new boyfriend, but he got lots of comments from his old fans, who still followed Beck, telling him that the new boy had nothing on him. Again, he didn’t dare to check, but the ego boost was nice, even if he didn’t really believe them. Also, he was down to crying once every two days instead of every other day, so he was counting that as a win as well.

His apartment was still pretty empty, specially because he spent most of his time downstairs at his friends’ place, but he decorated the bathroom and his room to the best of his ability, since they would be the background of pretty much all his videos and pictures. He also bought some new lingerie sets, a few costumes and sex toys he wasn’t even sure how to use, but he was slowly figuring them out.

Aside from decorating his room and the bathroom, he also bought an armchair and placed it by the  window with a couple of pillows. It was a nice spot to spend the afternoon reading or working on his computer. The light in that apartment was great, sunlight streamed right into his living room and warmed it up nicely. As they approached the end of April, the weather was getting better everyday.

Some days, he felt happy. He felt okay with the fact that he was still doing porn and that it wasn’t a terrible crime. Sure, it wasn’t what he had planned to do with his life, but he was young, he would eventually figure things out. For the time being, he needed that gig and he couldn’t beat himself up for it. Also, it wasn’t so bad now that he was only doing solo stuff.

Some other days, though, were just – hard. He remembered all the videos that were still online and he felt awful for the sole reason that they existed. Not so much for the ones he filmed with Beck, he was somewhat okay with those, the guy was his boyfriend after all, they had sex anyway, the only difference was the camera in the room. But the other ones…

When he started filming with other men, it quickly turned into an unpleasant experience for him. He hated every second of it and always ended up feeling guilty, used and disposable at the end of the day. Beck didn’t make it any better with the way he looked at him afterwards as he told him to get in the shower.

He wasn’t entirely sure of the reasons why those videos bothered him so much, sometimes it felt like it wasn’t even him in them. It was like he was watching a different person, he looked at himself and felt completely dissociated from that boy – at the same time, he looked at him and he knew – he knew – exactly what he was feeling when those were shot.

But that was a lot to unpack and he just wasn’t ready for that particular crisis.  

So in short, sometimes he was still a little unsure about how long he would be able to keep his Just4Fans account, because even though most days he didn’t feel too weird about it, sometimes it reminded him of things he preferred to forget. But that was fine, he was usually able to work around that. Also, most of his subscribers were great and didn’t make him feel like a cheap whore, so he had that going for him as well.

YKWIM was one of the good ones. They chatted almost daily, and Peter always sent him exclusive pictures and videos just because. He never posted those pictures on his feed once he sent them to him, it was their little secret. In return, he got his own collection of short videos of YKWIM finishing himself off. He didn’t know much about the person behind the videos, he’d taken to calling him daddy because most of his subscribers seemed to like it and YKWIM never complained, so it stuck.

Peter did know he lived in New York – which made him shiver – and that he was a businessman of some kind, but he also always talked about a workshop, so Peter wasn’t sure and he avoided asking personal questions. He worked most of the day and into the night, they usually talked when it was late, always around two in the morning.

He traveled a lot, too, and sometimes sent Peter small clips of his hotel rooms or the view from his balcony. In return, Peter sent him pictures of his messy bedroom and the horrible view from his window as a joke. It was nice talking to him, he always made Peter laugh – and then it often ended with a very satisfying orgasm that put him right to sleep, which was awesome.

Peter estimated YKWIM was older than Beck, but not by too much. He clearly had a fit body, which at first led him to believe he was in his thirties, at most; but he noticed YKWIM sometimes talked about the 80’s like he lived them, so he had to be at least in his forties, but Peter couldn’t be sure. He really wished he would show his face, though, it would be nice to have one to fantasize about. But then again, maybe it would ruin the whole thing.

One afternoon, after Peter spent hours taking pictures, shooting videos and editing them so he could post them over the following week, he got a message from YKWIM. He hurried to check it and was shocked to see that he had sent him yet another tip – forty thousand dollars this time.

“For you to buy pretty things so you can show them off to me.” Said the message that came with the money.

Peter almost dropped his phone when he saw it. It had been only five weeks since his last insane tip, so that made fifty thousand dollars in just a little over a month. For, like, thirty nudes. Who even was that guy?

“Wow, daddy, that’s way too much!” He added a flushed face emoji, for lack of something better to say. He was honestly feeling a little overwhelmed, even if the guy had millions to spend, there was no way just giving someone that amount of money was normal.

“That’s not nearly enough for what you’ve given me, baby.” Peter’s cheeks burned.

“I’m very flattered, but please, I really don’t think I deserve all this.” He was pretty sure he sounded pathetic, but that was how he felt, so. Yeah.

“Oh, but you do. Trust me, you really, really do. You’re worth every penny.” Peter bit his lower lip, a little unsure and still a little shocked.

“At least tell me what you’d like to see from me, please. Do you have any kinks that you’d like me to perform? Don’t be shy.” He asked, even though it always made him nervous to offer that kind of thing. Sometimes people were just waiting for the perfect opportunity to make the weirdest requests.

But, to be fair, he had been talking to YKWIM for over a month, so he somewhat trusted him not to ask for anything too absurd.  And then again, the guy had just paid him forty thousand dollars.

“Well, if you insist...” Here it comes, Peter thought, bracing himself. “Red and gold are my favorite colors. I’d love to see you wearing them.” Oh. Not what he was expecting at all.

“Done! Anything else? Come on, there’s gotta be something else.” Again, risky move. But again, forty thousand dollars.

“I’d love to hear you. You’re always so quiet in your videos. If you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear you call my name.” The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end at that request. It sounded… almost sweet? It obviously wasn’t meant like that, it was completely sexual, but out of all the wild things he could have asked for, he wanted to hear Peter call his name.

“What’s your name, daddy?”

“Tony.” Tony. Peter tested the word out on his tongue, saying it out loud once, twice. Tony. It suited the image he had created in his head. Tony.

“I can definitely do that, Tony. Anything else?”

“Buy yourself something pretty and send me a picture wearing it. Nothing sexual. Something you’d wear to a date with me.” Peter’s breath hitched. He supposed it was probably just a weird, rich people kink or something, but his mind went wild anyway. Very, very wild.

“I don’t know what I’d wear to a date with you, daddy. Any advice?”

“I like expensive and beautiful things such as yourself, baby.”

Normally, Peter wouldn’t appreciate being called expensive, like he was a thing to be bought, but he felt weirdly flattered by the answer. He promised YKW – Tony – he would send everything he requested over the next few days, and he was actually excited about the whole thing. And of course he knew that feeling was trouble, there were warning signs flashing like crazy before his eyes, but he ignored them and convinced himself that he was just having fun and he was allowed to have fun if he was going to keep doing porn. He didn’t have to feel miserable and guilty all the fucking time. He could – and should! – take some pleasure from it. He deserved it.

So the following day he asked MJ to go shopping with him, but he still didn’t tell her the whole story, he just said it was for his Just4Fans and she readily agreed to go. They went to Victoria’s Secret and Peter told her what he had in mind.

“So, how’s the job going? You’re doing okay? Not too overwhelmed?” She asked coolly as they searched through the panties section.

“Yeah, it’s fine, it’s different when I’m in control, you know? Like, I know my limits and I don’t need to count on other people to respect them. Well, most of the time. So it’s cool.”

Some subscribers were a little pushy sometimes, asking for things Peter wasn’t willing to do and then getting really aggressive after being told no. But it didn’t affect him as much as it did when Beck ignored his boundaries, because those pushy subscribers could be easily blocked, whereas with Beck, well. It was a different story.

“Don’t ever feel like you need to push your limits, okay?” Michelle stopped what she was doing to grab him by the shoulders and force him to look at her. “If you ever feel like stopping, for whatever reason, just do it. No matter what, you’ll always have me and Ned, understand? We’re family, we’re here for you, we’d never leave you alone. If you want to stop, we’ll figure something out together, you hear me?” The way she looked into his eyes made him understand that she really meant every single word of it.

Family. He had a family with them.

Peter felt silly tearing up in the middle of Victoria’s Secret, so he pulled her into his arms and hid his face in her neck.

“Thank you. I needed to hear that,” he muttered, as she squeezed him a little tighter, before pushing him away.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get all teary-eyed on me, come on, you’ll ruin my reputation.” She looked around, sniffing, then stuck her hands in her pockets. Peter laughed halfheartedly, drying the corner of his eyes. “C’mon, there are panties to be bought.”

They spent a couple of hours searching the store, but in the end he found the perfect set. He bought some other pieces, too, for his feed, people had been asking for lingerie a lot lately, after a slightly weird phase of cat ears and tails. Once they left Victoria’s Secret, Peter was nervous because he had to tell MJ at least part of the truth to get her help with the second part of Tony’s request.

“So, listen,” he started and she turned to him, happily sipping her large coffee as they walked down the street. “I have this subscriber. He’s, like, a rich, old dude who always sends me tips and stuff. Anyway, he gave me some money and asked me to buy something nice and pose for him, but like, not in a sexual way. He wants to see me clothed.” She frowned, staring at him suspiciously. “Um. I was wondering if you could help me with that?”

She was silent for a few seconds, just looking at him with narrowed eyes. He looked away discreetly, trying to avoid her mind-reading skills.

“Should I be worried?” She asked, finally. He shook his head and chuckled nervously, waving a hand dismissively.

“He’s harmless, just some lonely, old dude. So, will you help?” He looked at her expectantly. She was still frowning and definitely knew something was up, but she nodded anyway, to Peter’s relief.

“What do you have in mind?” MJ asked and resumed her stroll down the street, Peter had to jog a little to keep up.

“Something expensive and beautiful,” He quoted Tony, like an idiot, because he honestly had no idea what that meant.

“That’s oddly specific and somehow not helpful at all.” She lifted an eyebrow and looked around the busy street. “How expensive are we talking about?”

“I’m not sure. Very?” He answered nervously, and, yet again, she looked looked like she wanted to rip the truth out of him, but she also knew that was not the way to go with him.  

“How much did this guy give you?”

“Um. for – five thousand dollars.” He stuttered. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her the actual amount, because it sounded absolutely insane and she would worry unnecessarily.

“Holy shit!? Fuck, why aren’t I doing porn?!” She screeched and Peter hurried to put his hands over her mouth, because at least three people turned around to look at them.

“Don’t even joke about that, you hear me? You have a bright future ahead of you, don’t fuck it up,” he told her seriously and she looked like she wanted to argue just for the sake of being annoying, but something in the way he looked at her must have made her realize he meant it.

“Chill, I’m joking.” She patted his shoulder and looked away. “So. Five thousand dollars? We can work with that.”

He was a little scared of the weird gleam in her eyes, but followed her anyway.

They spent the rest of the afternoon shopping, it was a lot of fun and he even got her a pair of shoes she kept staring longingly at. She was worried they would go over the budget because she wanted him to save some of the money, but he assured her he could afford it. They managed to put together a great outfit that he was very confident about and then called Ned to meet them for dinner in the evening.

Later, they took the subway home and, for a while, he felt like a normal 20-year-old guy – happy, weightless and just a little heartbroken, like everyone was bound to be at some point in life. He was going to be okay, he realized. That thought hit him like a punch in the face and it felt fucking awesome.

He rested his head on Ned’s shoulder with a sigh of relief, feeling the warmth of MJ’s hand on his thigh.

It was around midnight when he got home, which for him was still a little early, he had developed the terrible habit of going to bed well after two in the morning – he blamed Tony, but to be fair, many of his subscribers were mostly active around that time as well. He debated whether or not he should start working on Tony’s requests, he was a little tired from a long day of walking around carrying bags, but also surprisingly eager to show the older man what he got for him.

He took the Victoria’s Secret bag and displayed the new outfit on the bed. It was a simple, but beautiful lingerie set. What Peter loved most about it was the fabric – it was made of deep red satin, smooth and glossy, and it felt simply amazing on the skin.

He decided to try it on, just to make sure it fit properly.

The top was a delicate bralette, two little triangles only big enough to hide his nipples and a little bit of his pecs. It was the perfect size for him, it sat flush with his skin, no unflattering cup gaps. The panties were tiny, Peter wasn’t too sure about those back in the store, he was worried not everything would fit in it. It did, but just barely, but it actually worked in his favor, in his humble opinion. Lastly, he put on the garter belt, which was just a thin piece of fabric that went around his waist, with two straps that hung down to clasp onto two elastic bands that went around his thighs.

Since Tony said red and gold, he also put on a thick, golden choker, just to see how it would look.

Once he was dressed, he went to check in the mirror. He bit his lower lip, running his hand over the fabric that covered his chest. It felt really smooth, and the way it brushed against his nipples sent shivers down his spine. He closed his eyes and imagined it was Tony’s hands on his body. They looked strong enough to hurt, but he imagined they would be gentle with him, as they traced a path from his collarbone to his neck, to wrap themselves around his throat – but not tight enough to choke him, just a promise.

He sighed, as if to check that he could still breath under the pressure, and slowly slid his hands down from his neck, brushing his hard nipples on their way down to the front of the panties – God, it was so smooth...

For some reason, he imagined Tony would be a gentle lover. Maybe it was the way he talked to him, always so charming, all sweetheart and baby, all praise and compliments. Maybe it was the way he never demanded anything, only asked nicely, all please and thank you.  

Tony wouldn’t ruin him, like he promised so many times in those last few weeks, he would fuck him long and slow, raspy voice whispering sweet praise in his ear, rough hands holding him down, hips snapping with each unrelenting thrust.

He bit his lips, knees buckling as he felt the front of the panties getting wet, while his leaking cock struggled to get free.

Well, then.

He grabbed his camera from the closet and positioned it on a tripod in front of the bed, just a few feet away, and programmed it to take pictures every five seconds. He sat on the bed, facing the camera, feet still on the floor, and just closed his eyes for a minute, letting a sigh escape his lips as the fantasy from before filled his mind again.

He spread his legs and his fingers reached down to the front of his panties again. His cock felt impossibly hard, straining against the delicate fabric, dark pink tip peeking out of over the top of the tiny underwear. He touched himself slowly, hips rocking lightly to match the pace of his own hand, as he listened to the clicks of the pictures being taken.

He had to force himself to stop, before he lost control, and moved to kneel on the bed, with his side facing the camera, and lowered his chest until it was touching the mattress, letting his back curve in a sinful arch, head turned to the side, staring right at the lens. At Tony. Imagining what he would do if he were there.

He sat back on his heels and turned his back to the camera, spreading his knees, each of his hands grabbing one ass cheek, pulling them apart, only a thin, barely there strip of fabric hiding his nakedness. He looked over his shoulder and waited for the camera to take at least a couple of pictures.

Next, he laid on his back, side facing the camera again, left hand rubbing one nipple over the silky fabric, as the right one reached down the front of the panties, to finally give himself some sort of relief. He let out an almost pained moan as he wrapped a hand around his cock, pumping it slowly, once, twice, but all that teasing was driving him a little insane.

He knew he should probably take a few more pictures, but he also knew wouldn’t last much longer.

He got off the bed and went to the dresser where he kept all of his “work stuff”. He grabbed a tube of lube and a vibrator that was neither too small, nor too big, it was a size Peter was comfortable with.

He switched the camera to video mode, pressed record and resumed his position on the bed, knees on the bed, holding his lower body up, and chest resting on the mattress. He squeezed a generous amount of lube onto his fingers, pushed the panties a little to the side and circled his hole gently, slowly, because that was how he imagined Tony would do it. Those big, rough hands would have grabbed him by the hips, put him in that exact position, before teasing him mercilessly.

He moaned quietly and closed his eyes, rubbing slow circles around his rim, pressing a little against his entrance, but not hard enough to breach it. He felt his cock pulsing, begging for attention, but he didn’t dare to touch it, not yet.

“Tony, please...” He whined, pushing his hips back against his own hand, he was so lost in his fantasy he almost forgot he didn’t need to beg. Almost. “I need you...”

Gently, he started pushing one finger inside, knuckle by knuckle, he was so aroused he barely felt the burn, just delicious pressure that made his eyes roll to the back of his head. He started fucking himself on his finger, feeling the muscles around it slowly make way.

“’Been thinking about you, Tony…” he rasped out, hips pushing back against his hand. “Can’t stop thinking ‘bout you...” When he felt loose enough, he pushed another finger inside, the stretch becoming a little more noticeable as he slowly scissored himself open. He got on all fours and turned his back to the camera to give Tony a better view, all spread out for him, and kept fucking himself, picking up the pace once just those two fingers weren’t enough. “Fuck, daddy, need you so bad...”

He eased the fingers out of himself, sighing at the loss, and reached for the vibrator that was sitting on the bed and turned to face the camera again. He knelt on the bed and, with one hand, he propped the vibrator up on the mattress, holding it down from behind him, as with the other hand he guided its tip to his already abused hole.

He flicked the switch and it vibrated to life, nudging against his hole before finally slipping in. Peter’s breath hitched at the intrusion, feeling the delicious burn on his lower back, as he moved his hips up and down slowly, trying to push more of it inside with each painful thrust.

“Fuck me, Tony,” he begged, as his free hand finally reached for his neglected cock, pumping it hard and fast, matching the maddening pace his hips set. He lost all sense of rhythm when he felt the tip of the vibrator finally – finally – reach his prostate and he pushed it even further in, until the pressure against the bundle of nerves became too much and he exploded in one of the best orgasms he had had in a long, long time. “Oh, f-fuck!” His vision went dark for a second as he let himself fall back on the bed, wasted.

He spent almost ten minutes just lying there, trying to catch his breath and regain consciousness. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt like that, he was boneless, floaty, completely satisfied. It was honestly the best he felt in months.

When his legs stopped shaking, he got up and headed straight to the shower, still feeling a little dizzy and weak, but he wasn’t complaining.

Once he was finished, he debated whether he should just go to bed or send Tony what he had, but with the way he was feeling, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep so easily. So decided to send at least the pictures right away, even though it was nearing 3AM. Peter knew Tony was probably up, the man did say that he was an insomniac and that he sometimes went days without any real sleep, so it wasn’t a surprise when he answered just a few minutes after Peter sent them.

“Holy fuck, Peter!!” Peter bit his lower lip, burying his face in the pillow to hide his blush, even though he was alone in his room.“What the fuck, baby, it’s three in the morning, are you trying to fucking kill me?!”

“So you like them?” He asked with feigned innocence.

“I fucking love them, you little tease, these are hands down my favorites yet. I swear I’m gonna have them framed and hung in my workshop and I’ll spend the rest of my fucking days just writing odes to you.” Peter giggled into the pillow, turning on his side to get more comfortable on the bed.

“I bet you say that to all the boys.” He joked lightly, blushing again, which was stupid, but he couldn’t help it.

“Fuck no! You’re something else, kitten, and you don’t even know it.” Peter suppressed a smile, biting his lower lip.

“Are you touching yourself right now, daddy?”

“To be honest, I’m so fucking hard I think I’m gonna come instantly if I even brush my fingers on my cock. I’m literally just staring at the pictures right now and worrying I’m gonna come untouched just from that.” Peter laid on his stomach and bit the pillow, gently rocking his hips against the bed.

“That’s so hot. Can I see it?”

Seconds later, there was a video in the chat. He played it immediately and, sure enough, Tony wasn’t kidding. His cock was rock hard, throbbing, the head was an angry purple, already glistening with pre-cum. Tony was just holding it at the base, not daring to touch it, and the whole thing almost made Peter hard again, but he was really exhausted.

“Fuck, daddy, I really wish I could help you with that.”

“Oh, you don’t even know what I wish.”

Tony didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Peter figured he had gone to sleep, but then his phone beeped, alerting him to another message from him. It was, of course, a picture of Tony’s spent cock, resting against his belly, which was covered in come, so much of it Peter’s mouth watered.

“Was it good, daddy?”

“The best, sweetheart. Thank you. I’m gonna sleep like a baby today.” Peter chuckled. Tony always said that was high praise coming from someone who hardly ever slept and the younger man took his word for it.

“Goodnight, Tony. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Looking forward to it, Pete.”

He knew he was fucked the second he tried to suppress a small smile, but couldn’t.

#starker #peter parker x tony stark

[concentrated-mug-of-me]

okay im gonna try ur welcome. one ask. all from memory. if i fuck up i fuck up.

good morning heartsville this is tank comin at ya the voice of reason the voice of the season here at WLUV the student run radio station here at heartsville high the heart of america its 7 am on the dot and a perfect 68 degrees out there to start the school year off right. just a reminder folks heartsvilles annual community picnic is this weekend so guys grab ur guy and girls grab ur girl and head on down to lookout lake. and if u dont have anyone to grab sounds like youve got some extra love on ur hands and i know one magical matchmaker who just aint gonna let you get away with that. so go get em zanna this ones for you!!!!

when the alarm clock rings u know ive got to start to sing thinkin bout the joy the days gonna bring love is all around it just has to be found my job is making sure ig gegs spread around. i knew the day of my birth that i was put on this eartj to make sure no one suffers extra love so you can leave it to me its my responsibility to pass it on to someone without enough. i seek out the truth im a love sleuth im goin undercover for a lover who might not find another and im lookin for clues and they might point to you so come on gimme ur extra love. hey cindy! who do we got on the schedule today? steve buckman a quarterback i dont know him he must be new well im sure he is feelin a bit lonely ill see what i can do.

two by two just like noah had to do the only trick to love is finding who belongs with who so come on lets start the arks about to depart we gotaa pick up some extra love. (mornin mornin hi hi whatever have a good day) whos got wxtra love? i spy (call call me see ya later whatever) mornin officer klotsky! mornin zanna was your date w dr green a success ohh you bet hes the perfect guy for meee yeah i thought he might be my gratitude to you i cant express all in a days work! we walkes thru the park holding hands hntil dark such a guy i jever thought id meet yeah life is so sweet when extra love is complete so now im keepin the beat down on love street.

zanna karla hi roberta zanna hi (ahatever) whos got extra loce? not i because we got some hreat news uh huh you wont believe this uh uh tell em karla yeah! i forget what it is we’ll be govethee forever oh yeah our loves here to stay uh huh i cant believe we met only yesterday ! e just wantes to thank you fof makinv us fall in love zanna! u know karla i cant actyally make two people fall in love. i can merely favikitate! good morning everyone good morning principal cooper. now zanna i trust you wont be meddling in anyones affairs this year now will you? now principal cooper would i ever meddle in anyone elses affairs? yes you would. ur darn right i would!

two by two just like noah had to do the only trick to love is finding who belongs with who oh well i better go my friend is waiting and so ill see uou later later later later shes so great i know. (hi hi hihi bye bye bye whatever) whos got extra love? mike does! i dont but theres this new guy in town perhaps youve seen him around. mike has a crush on him i dont you do he does okay i do but let me make this clear zanna dont interfere oh please no please no please no pleas no PLEASE heres what im gonna do. (please no!) friday ill walk by and say hi next week we’ll start to speak and boah blah blah blah just be a man forget this stupid plan and quit the delay i dont wanna scare him awayyy no ur just a chicken ow chicken ow HEY NEW GUY wuit it oww. come on! good luck on ur chess match today mike!

excuse me olease but ut seems ive lost my way how bout a map ill explain another day hi im zanna im steve new quarterback of the team howd u know a little birdy told me oh i see what brings u to the midwest a mikitary request my two dads r five star generals in the army ooo im impressed. so we move place to place base to base unpack the suitcase try to make a few friends and then pack up and leave again wherever ive been ive never seemed to fit in. well never fear uts clear you fit in here! so keep up that chin. thanks for the encouragemnet ill see u in class!

oh excuse me. no no its my fault. hey hi zanna kate how are you wait i cant im running late. breakfast sure wnat som yeah what a pptatt would be great. thanks! let me uh uh find you pleae dont a girl no thanks im doing fine. it it wont will change will not ur world ive got no time ive got sats acts aps and gpas and college applications w all those tribulations to get to university then a medical degree so i just cant b distracted by loves triviality. no! yiu just havent met the right girl yet u can philosophize and rationalize but theyre just alibis loves all u need just take it from me okay u can set me up great! when im 33! ill get u yet.

hey zanna!! hey mr dj! wont you play this song for meee from the way that ur beamjn i see that ur schemin to turn somebodys dream to realityy you know me so well well its not hard to tell ur always happy making dreams come trhe its what i do! well in spite of ur list theres always one guy u miss i do who? you i know u got dreams too. no time my friend.

hi zanna. hi candi hi buck hey zanna. whats on the clipboard for today well the school board .. well as im sure you know the schoolboard is meeting with the ciry council to discuss whether or not the linrary should be allowed to carry a copy of hearher has one mommy and one daddy. in my opinion .. oh and if you can think of anyone we could sure use another guy for this years musical. come along buck. yes candi.

the schoop musical, huh? i think i have just the right guy! i seek out the truth im a love sleuth im going undercover for a lover who might not find another and im lookin for coues and they might point to you so come on gimme ur extra love. [i almost fucked up here] well u can cocer your tracks thats a fact jack but you aint gonna shake me to fake or make me take a break from chasin you can duck off the trail but im hot on your trail so come on gimme ur extra love now baby dont try to run from the love gun ive got the place surrounded and bounded the hounds r all around it you may be on the lam from the love caravan but u aint getting away w your love!

cause this is heartsville high where i dream of a love that will stay heartsville high where nothings ever gonna get in my way heartsville high where ive a feeling loves about to begin i hope that this time im gonna fit in. HEY you over there dont be shy come iver here i bet you got extra love what you hoarding it for? lifes got so much in store for someone w extra love. dont try to hide you cant keep it inside you migt as well give up ur extra love cause if u want love to stay you gotta give it away you gotta give up give up give up hive uo your ectra looooooove give up your extra love!

this took me over half an hour to type.

dee,,,,,,,other than the typos (and the whatevers) this is accurate as far as i can tell and how did that all fit in one ask i swear there was a character limit

#long post #ask #davethecryptid #zanna dont

[inknose]

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

[sapphichalo]

okay artists: one dee, hayley kiyoko, halsey, wallows, olivia o’brien (i went to high school with her), and king princess; albums: golden hour, fine line, folklore, and calm if u listen to 5sos (i cant rmbr fjcjcj); songs: the less i know the better by tame impala, heaven falls/fall on me by surfaces, pink + white by frank ocean, crzy by kehlani, and dang! by mac miller

This is literally gonna take me like 20 min but thank you darling!

One Direction

Favourite song: Top 3 are IICF, Home, and What A Feeling

Least favourite song: Gotta Be You, Na Na Na, Love You Goodbye, according to that sorting thing

Favourite album: MITAM or Four i cant decide

Least favourite album: Up All Night in terms of actually being good, but I think my actual least favourite is Midnight Memories cause UAN is full of bops

Song that got me into them: WMYB babey, ive been around from the start

Seen Live?: Yes Ma’am, the Take Me Home tour in Auckland

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Im gonna put everything else under the break cause this bitch is gonna be long

Hayley Kiyoko

Favourite song: Cliffs Edge currently, its so gooood

Least favourite song: honestly dont listen to alllll of her stuff so i dont have one

Favourite album: Expectations

Least Favourite album: I also havent listened to Im too sensitive for this shit yet, so thats on the to do list

Song that got me into them?: uhhhh I think it was girls like girls

Seen live?: Sadly no :((

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Halsey (I like her stuff but i dont know much of it yet)

Favourite song: Finally // Beautiful Stranger or You Should Be Sad

Least favourite song: I dont really have one!

Favourite album: Maniac I think

Least favourite album: dont have one

Song that got me into them: New Americana or Colors

Seen Live?: Not yet!

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Wallows 

Hadnt heard of them!

First song youtube took me to: OK

First impression: surprised that dude is in a band, long song intro, like their sound

Do I like it?: Yeah!

Would I listen to them more?: Definitely!!

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Olivia O’Brian 

Hadnt heard of her either but shes hot

First song youtube took me to: Just A Boy

First impression: Hot, Dua Lipa vibes, into it

Do I like it?: very much so

Would I listen to them more? absolutely

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

King Princess (Would die for her)

Favourite song: has to be Talia, but also her Happy Together cover is so fucking good, and also Holy

Least favourite song: dont have oneeee

Favourite album: Cheap Queen

Least favourite album: dont have oneeee again

Song that got me into them: Pussy Is God, such a good song

Seen live?: No, but I deserve to

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Golden Hour (I fuck hard with this album)

Opinion on cover design: Stunning, she looks amazing, couldve had more yellow, 9/10

Favourite song: Slow Burn or Space Cowboy

Least Favourite song: Lonely Weekend, I dont love how it starts which makes it hard for me to listen to 

Underrated track: Happy & Sad

Overrated track: I dont think there is one, theyre all such lovely songs

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Fine Line (I think this might be my all time favourite album)

Opinion on cover design: Love, wish harry was a lil closer, and also I kinda wish it wasnt black around the outside, idk why 8/10

Favourite song: Fine Line, then She, then Golden

Least Favourite: TPWK, Cherry, and Falling, but I love all three of them, thats just how theyve been ranked

Underrated Track: Canyon Moon - hes so happy and it makes me cryyyyy

Overrated Track: I would say Falling, its still so good but the hets really got hold of it 

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Folklore (wasnt planning on listening to it but I did for you)

ok first thots, i like the 1, I also like that shes swearing, thats fun. looks like this album is pretty gay, idk

Opinion on cover design: artsy, simple, into it, 8/10

Favourite song: i have only listened to two so far but im enjoying both of them

Least favourite song: cant say yet, i heard a bit of seven and didnt love it but ill let you know

Cant say for overrated and underrated yet

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 but this is based off of three songs

CALM (would also die for this album)

Opinion on cover design: Big fan, love the grungy vibes, they all look beautiful, 9/10

Favourite song: No Shame and Lover of Mine

Least favourite song: Best Years

Underrated Track: High

Overrated Track: I think they all deserve the hype

 Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

The Less I Know The Better - Tame Impala

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | could get into this | ooo i like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

Heaven Falls / Fall on Me - Surfaces (this was a good rec, thanks babe)

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | could get into this | ooo i like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

Pink + White - Frank Ocean

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | could get into this | ooo i like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words this song is so fucking good oh mmy god

CRZY - Kehlani

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | could get into this | ooo i like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

Dang! - Mac Miller

 couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | could get into this | ooo i like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

#this took me so long gjfksjs #im gonna listen to taylors album tiday #i dont love her but im willing to give it a try #thanks so much angel #maggie 🌈 #asks #ask games #friends #mutuals #about me

[always-evergreen]

I literally want you to answer all the book q list qs. Thx

haide ur a disaster

putting under a read more bc I dont want to clog up ur dashes

1: What book did you last finish? When was that? - I finished 1984 this afternoon!

2: What are you currently reading? - currently reading zodiac unmasked by Robert graysmith

3: What book are you planning to read next? - a confederacy of dunces by john kennedy toole

4: What was the last book you added to your tbr? - the chronicles of Narnia (as a re-read)

5: Which book did you last re-read? - the Christmas mystery by jostein gaarder. I read it every christmas

6: Which book was the last one you really, really loved? - I read the picture of dorian gray last month which I rlly enjoyed

7: What was/were the last book/books you bought? - I bought the whole raven cycle earlier

8: Paperback or hardcover? Why? - paperback bc hardback is rlly unwieldy

9: YA, NA or Adult? Why? - tbh im not overly fussed:/

10: Sci-Fi or fantasy? Why? - fantasy! I think bc I grew up reading harry potter and Narnia and stuff like that im just always gonna have a real love for fantasy stuff

11: Classic or modern? Why? - hmmm I guess classic? but I dont rlly mind

12: Political memoirs or comedic memoirs? - comedic bc I dont understand politics and I like to have fun

13: Name a book with a really bad movie/tv adaption - its not terrible but the first one that comes to mind is the book thief, just bc I love that book sm and the movie didn't quite live up to what I wanted

14: Name a book where the movie/tv adaption actually was better than the original - I cant honestly think of one at the moment

15: What book changed your life? - hmm maybe lord of the rings?

16: If you could bring three books to a deserted island which would you bring and why? - fahrenheit 451 bc its my favourite book, the book thief bc it was my first favourite book, and the statistical probability of love at first sight just bc its sweet and fun and the other books are serious

17: If you owned a bookshop what would you call it? - haven would be cute maybe

18/19: Which character from a book is the most/least like you? - combining these two bc I genuinely cannot think of an answer, ive never really seen a lot of myself in any characters or consciously thought that a character was nothing like me tbh:/

20/21: Best summer/winter read? - also combining these bc I dont change my reading habits based on seasons

22: Pro or anti e-readers? Why? - I dont have anything against them but I dont use them, just bc I prefer physical books

23: Bookdepository or Amazon? - idk what bookdepository is so unfortunately I guess amazon:/

24: Do you prefer to buy books online or in a bookshop? - bookshop all the way! I love bookshops so much!

25: If you could be a character from a book for just one day who would you be and why? (Bonus: any specific day in the story?) - pretty niche and also I cant rmmbr her name but I just spotted the girl who circumnavigated fairyland in a ship of her own making on my shelf and that little girl has a pretty baller life so ill take a day in fairyland please and thank you

26: If you could be a character from a book for their entire life who would you be and why? - no thanks! I feel like that would turn into a massive bummer eventually

27: If you could change one thing about mainstream literature what would you change? (i.e. more diversity, better writing, better plot etc.) - tbh I dont read a lot of modern mainstream books so I dont rlly have an answer to this

28: How many books have you read so far this year? - mmm 11 or 12?

29: How do you sort your shelves? (i.e. by color, author, title etc.) - by author im not a monster

30: Who’s your favorite author? - ray bradbury

31: Who’s your favorite contemporary author? - mmm maybe david levithan?

32: Who’s your favorite fantasy author? - tolkein babyyyy

33: Who’s your favorite Sci-Fi author? - I guess thatll also be Bradbury lol

34: List five OTPs - I would prefer not to I dont rlly have ships anymore

35: Name a book you consider to be terribly underrated - I cant rlly think of anything tbh

36: Name a book you consider to be terribly overrated - lolita suuuuckssss

37: How many books are actually in your bookshelf/shelves right now? - approximately 200, with abt 35-40 in piles on the floor ready to be donated

38: What language do you (most often) read in? - english

39: Name one of your favorite childhood books - just got a sudden vivid memory of the animals of farthing wood which tbh? slapped

40: Name one of your favorite books from your teenage years - ooft uh ill go w the night school series bc I for real fucked w them so much when I was like 15 lmao

41: Do you own a library card? How often do you use it? - I dont think I do

42: Which was the best book you had to read in school? - oh that's gotta be fahrenheit 451 and even though its not technically a book ill put twelfth night up there as well

43: Are you the kind of person who reads several books at once or the kind of person who can only read one book at a time? - I can do either and dont really have a preference

44: Do you like to listen to music when you read? - occasionally, sometimes I find it hard to concentrate w music on but sometimes it doesn't bother me, depends on the mood

45: What is your favorite thing to eat when you read? - something that wont make my fingers greasy lol

46: What is your favorite thing to drink when you read? - I dont normally

47: What do you do to get out of a reading slump? - read a couple of short books just to ease myself back into it

48: Where is your favorite place to read? - my bed, but recently been enjoying the back garden when its sunny

49: When is your favorite time to read? - I like reading at night just before I go to bed

50: Why do you love to read? - it was instilled in me pretty young bc both my parents are big readers and I guess I was kinda shy and awkward when I was a kid (still am actually lol) so it was kind of a shield/escape? also im a fucking nerd

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 16

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I realize it took me way too long to do this, but I can explain. Uhh...

So for those of you who don’t know, I haven’t been home since September, and I won’t be home for another... two weeks, more or less? I’ve been to places where I couldn’t know if I’d have working wifi or any wifi at all so updating this fic has been a mission. So I do whatever I can to update at reasonable times.

With that being said, I finished this chapter way back last month while on a two week long trek in Nepal and haven’t had the opportunity to upload it, so I’m grateful I can now. Because this one... was a hell of an exposition ride for a lot of shit I planned a long long time ago.

Quick disclaimer - some bits of this chapter deal with the definition of transgender, and a specific learning disorder. The definition of transgender mentioned in this chapter has been taken from the DSM-IV-TR, which is a defunct edition of the DSM that came out in the year 2000 and has been replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. The definition has since been changed and separated, and I believe it is now called gender dysphoria, though I’m not quite sure. But it does not reflect my opinions on how dysphoria is related to being trans, I do believe (and have several sources to back me up, including the DSM-5) that you don’t have to be dysphoric to be trans. The same goes for this learning disorder, what is said in this chapter reflects only the way the characters think of it - and it will change later on, I can assure you - and not at all what I would think or say about it.

As is tradition, thanks to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for all her patience with me and my shenanigans (and not getting frustrated with my stupid ideas) and to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea and for giving me the best commentary for my screenshots when I send them. And also to @winglessnymph , @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl , who have fallen out of the loop but are still there. I know I haven’t sent you anything much in recent days, but... still.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @ilovemygaydad, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes (rather controversial) opinions/ideas about the definition of transgender (as mentioned in a now-defunct, but then the most recent, edition of the DSM), discussion of abortion, mentions of past self-harm, discussion of personality disorders and hospitalization, panic attacks, and description of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’m pretty sure I forgot something though, so let me know if I have so I can add it.

—————

Friday, May 30th, 2003

"...your valedictorian, Jenna Miranda Wheeler."

"Class of 2003…"

New York was beautiful in May.

Sadly, that was not where Remy was heading today.

According to Linda, Stephen was going to go on a business trip for at least two weeks in June, starting late May. So Remy was invited over for the summer. Not his first choice, but Leah begged him to come and Emile said that it might be a good idea. But…

Spending more than a day at Linda's, combined with the knowledge that Jenna and India have graduated just a few days ago and Chris hasn't, was a good enough reason for Remy to feel shitty. And he did.

The main upside was that Georgia was beautiful in May too.

He managed to cheer himself up somewhat by thinking of the good things that happened this month - Emile's TOVA results (9/9 inattentive symptoms, 4/9 hyperactive-impulsive, definitely has inattentive type ADHD), India's name being called at graduation instead of her deadname, Jenna graduating valedictorian, his friends moving to Virginia and so on - by the time the taxi from the airport pulled up in front of the, by now, rather familiar house.

And then his stomach dropped.

Stephen was still there.

"Do you need help with those bags, Rebecca?" He asked, eyeing the massive, neon pink duffel bag and the incredibly heavy purple backpack that sat on the sidewalk near Remy as he tapped his foot nervously.

"Not from you I don't. Thanks for the offer, but… no thanks."

He was too proud to admit that the duffel was too heavy for him to lift and he could barely drag it, but he packed most of his clothes and books in it. Some were mailed home. But not most.

"That shit gotta be heavy as fuck—"

"I said, no thank you. Now, move out of my fucking way."

Leah was napping by the time he finally dragged everything inside, but Rachel was doodling in the living room, smiling brightly when she saw him come through the door. She abandoned her crayons and waddled all the way to hug him.

As much as he barely knew her, Remy definitely loved Rachel too.

"I'm going to daycare," she mumbled somewhat, trying to use words she didn't quite know yet. "You have to come!"

"You're such a big girl!" He ruffled her pigtails, picking her up. She was so light for a two-year old. "Going to daycare already?"

"Mmhm."

"I'm so proud of you!"

She just hugged his neck and babbled on about her friends and daycare, her hand flying and her almost falling from his hold. This was another happy thing to add to the list.

He wasn't happy. But this was happy. For now.

—————

Stephen left on his business trip at around seven thirty, and Remy took a huge sigh of relief. Leah also woke up from her nap a few hours earlier, all grumpy and upset for some reason, and Remy tried talking her into telling him why she was so upset.

Linda said it was because of the nap. Leah only got even more upset.

"Why am I here?" Remy asked during dinner, while Leah entertained herself (and he was sure she didn't notice much) and Rachel was almost dozing off. "We haven't had a single good interaction since I was five years old, Linda."

"Am I no longer allowed to want to be around my son, Remy?" She stung back, looking anything but as aggressive as she just sounded.

"I'll be honest with you, kid. I know you don't like me. I can understand why. But what I don't understand is why you're bringing this up in front of your younger sisters. They're too young for this to—"

"I saw a movie about penguins on TV," Leah started rambling. "They're really weird…"

The argument stopped just as quickly as it started, and Leah was allowed to go on and on about penguins bringing rocks to each other. So he proceeded to just glare at Linda, who helped Rachel eat her pasta. This was awful, this was absolutely the worst situation he could've found himself in, and… he just wanted out.

And he kept wanting out even as Rachel already went to sleep, Leah was busy doing her homework last minute, and Linda asked Remy to help her clean up.

"I'm only here because Leah asked me to," he almost hissed as he was tasked with packing the leftovers in incredibly familiar tupperware containers.

"I want to spend more time with you, Remy. I'm still your mother—"

"Well, you haven't acted like it, like, ever!"

Linda sighed, putting the plate she was holding in the dishwasher. "I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuses—"

"So don't make any."

"—but I was barely your age when I had you. This is no excuse, I'm not trying to say that I had no idea what I was doing because of that, but I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you!"

"You could've aborted me! You could've been smart and used protection in the first place!"

"Condoms aren't a fail-proof—"

"Face it, Linda. You never wanted me. You're not homophobic or transphobic for the sake of it, it's clear you have at least some level of respect to queer people. You just never wanted me in the first place."

The next plate she was holding broke in the sink. "How fucking dare you say that?!"

"I'm just saying—"

"I have never wanted something in my life more than I wanted you!" Her screams hurt Remy's ears, going as far as to make Leah cry in the other room. Linda immediately lowered her voice. "I know I've been a bad mother to you. I regret every decision I've ever made while I was married to your father, except being married to him and having you. And I've spent every day since leaving you and your father regretting my decisions, and wanting to make it up to you, but you kept pushing me away. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Do you still think you're the only one who's been robbed of something in this relationship?"

"...you had Leah while you were still married to Dad" was all he could say. And he hoped he'd have the last word. "Was she a mistake too?"

Sadly, you can't always get what you want.

"Leah… is problematic. But she wasn't a mistake either. None of you are, and you can stop saying that. Whatever is wrong with her does not make her a mistake. Just as your gender identity disorder does not make you a mistake."

"No, you're right. It doesn't. It makes me transgender. A female-to-male man. You know those terms? Female to male, transgender? It's what people call it nowadays."

There was another long moment of silence as Linda cleaned up the broken plate and Remy finished packing up the leftovers, and Leah stopped crying.

It was a stressful silence. Very typical of home life with Linda Brigham-Hollander.

"...you may not have come at a time I liked," she sighed after everything, falling into a chair. Remy was ready to leave the kitchen, but this wouldn't let him. "I know we could've… waited a few more years. But you came when you did, and I don't regret that. You were never a mistake. I may have a hard time understanding… what… your identity. I'm trying my best to educate myself now, you know—"

"That's almost five years too late."

"I don't know what Leah told you about her school life, but whatever hardships she got understanding stuff—"

"She has no trouble understanding stuff as far as I can see—"

"Educational stuff. School material. She got that from me. Education comes harder for me, you may not know that. I was never the brightest student and I only completed my high school diploma when you were three years old. Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with you. But I couldn't learn when you asked me to. It felt like—"

"Linda, it didn't take Dad five years to be able to call me by my name and use the correct pronouns. Even if you don't mean it this way, this is bullshit to me. And I hope you get it."

And then he got up and left, leaving her to her own. If she cried, well… that's none of his business.

—————

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Nathalie and Emile were getting ready for the Tony awards when Emile had a panic attack.

No, that's not true. Emile has been having panic attacks all week long for some weird reason he couldn't explain, most likely not being able to talk to Remy all week long since his phone died and he couldn't get a new one just yet. But today was the worst one. So Julie lent him her phone for a call, to explain himself so he won't panic so much, but…

But Remy wouldn't understand. He'd be mad if Emile tried to call him from Julie's phone because of some panic attacks… and then he'd hate him, and then… and then…

Then he wouldn't have a best friend anymore…

What was India's phone number again…?

She picked up on the fourth ring. "India McGinty—"

"It's Emile," he almost sobbed the second she picked up. "I… I have a question…"

"Oh, honey, of course. What is it?"

"Do you think Remy would hate me…? My phone died and I can't get another one until next week and—"

"Emile, are you… are you crying right now?"

"No… I did before, I just…"

She sighed before clearing her throat. That's it, she hates him too—

"Do you mind if I pass you over to Jenna? She's better at this than me."

"...okay…"

"...Emile?" Jenna's voice was softer than India's somehow. She'd never raise her voice, but Emile was scared of the people who'd be there when she does once she becomes a lawyer. "Can you please explain what's going on?"

"Well… my phone died, and I can't tell Remy because he's with his mom and I don't wanna call him while he's with his mom, so I'm scared that if I don't talk to him all summer he'll hate me and then he won't talk to me anymore and I can't—"

"Let's slow down, you're only upsetting yourself. Remy is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I like him a bit more but, but it's not like I can just tell him that, and…"

"That's fine, we're not gonna focus on this for now. That's for another time. But he's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, I just told you!"

"So why would he hate you for something like that? He's going to understand, I'm sure."

"I don't… know… it just feels like he might…"

"I know. This feeling fucking sucks, doesn't it?" She chuckled. Emile couldn't answer to that. He just… he couldn't. "But it's not healthy to dwell on this feeling. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you fret about it so much."

"What do you mean…?"

"...have I ever told you that I was institutionalized until my second year of college?"

He couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. "No…"

"Okay. So I'll tell you now. I… how squeamish are you? I don't want to… trigger anything…"

"I don't know… I don't… I don't think I really mind much…?"

"Okay, I… I'll censor it anyway. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah."

"So when I was fourteen, I started harming myself. It's not… it was what you'd think, but not for the most part. I didn't cut really. But my parents knew, and they gave a ton of fucks and not just because they had a reputation to uphold like I thought they did back then. They just… they gave all the fucks."

"Okay… I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"Don't apologize, you had no part in this. And you never will. I promise."

"Okay."

"Two years after I started, my parents sent me to a psych ward. At that time they thought I was depressed, it was too early to diagnose me properly, so… I've lived for three years on doses of antidepressants that didn't do a whole lot, because nobody knew. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was nineteen, my medication prescription was fixed and I was let out of there when they decided I'm doing well enough to be able to live on my own again. I spent my first year of law school with a nurse attached to my hip, can you imagine?" She laughed, and Emile struggled to hold back a smile.

"Actually yeah… my sister is narcoleptic…"

"Oh shoot, sorry… didn't mean that. Anyway… back to the topic at hand, yeah? I was… infatuated, for a lack of a better word, with this guy. His name was David. I thought I was in love with him, but it turned out I idolized him to a point where he became my favorite person, and that was an incredibly toxic experience. He was like… like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. But dialed up to eleven. He was a fucking asshole and I haven't seen him in years… he was transferred to another place after an incident that involved one of my friends, she ended up almost killing herself because of this guy. And my anxiety over being perfect for him, over making him like me and making sure that he keeps liking me, made me extremely unhealthy in the long run."

There was a pause, possibly for Emile to process. Most likely. This wasn't fair… this was totally not fair! Why did good people have to go through shitty things?

"My next favorite person after him was a girl I dated for a couple months before India." Jenna sounded kind of breathless at that, as if she was crying herself. "And… she made me talk to her. She asked me questions for clarification all the time and helped me with my anxiety, especially when I felt like this. I was tiring, but… it's the effort she put into this that counted. Emile… you gotta talk to Remy."

"But… but I can't…"

"Who said? Communication is key. I know it might be really hard, especially for you, but… call him. It's his birthday soon, right? In July?"

"Yeah…"

"Call him. Write down everything you want to tell him and tell him then. I promise it'll make your anxiety a lot easier to manage."

————

"Remy," Linda called from the living room as he was heading to bed. This was becoming ridiculous…

"I told you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of this—"

"I can't read a single word in this cursed book of yours."

"...what book?"

"This DSM thing. Remy, darling, why do you need this book? It's so difficult to understand, couldn't they have written better books about this?"

He ended up not going to bed after all, instead resorting to making himself tea and going to sit on the couch next to her.

"Mom, that's… that's the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, mom. It's existed since the fifties. This is the revised version. They can't make it simpler to understand, I don't think."

"Well, your grandma's always said that if a child can't understand what's written, it's because the writer is bad at what they're doing."

"And so have a lot of my professors, but sadly this is what we have to work with. What's so confusing anyway?"

"I was trying to read about your… your thing, the gender identity disorder thing…" she turned the book to him. The passages in this section have been highlighted the day he bought the book and he knew them by heart. Well, for the most part. "I'm sorry, but the words are just… long and confusing."

"...that's fine… it's totally fine, I can… I can simplify it for you…"

"I don't need you to simplify it for me, I know English. I just… I can't read this! Big and confusing academic paper words."

Oh fuck…

"I'm a painter, not an academic, Remy. I can't read. You know this. You've known this forever."

"I forgot you're dyslexic…"

"And what does forgetting that help you?"

"Nothing… let's… let's go over this together, okay? The sections that apply to me." He waited for Linda to nod, rather reluctantly, before putting on his own pair of reading glasses.

"So, to diagnose someone with gender identity disorder there are two criteria, identifying with the opposite gender and feeling dysphoria. In order to meet those criteria, you gotta not be intersex, which I think is pretty stupid, and also it has to affect your daily life."

"Yeah, I know that. Your shrink told us that when you were fourteen. Let's move on, okay?"

"...okay. In boys, aka trans girls, this doesn't apply to me… okay. Girls with GID, aka trans boys, display a intense negative reactions to parental expectations, blah blah blah, you never had any expectations of me so this doesn't apply…"

"No no no no no, you will read this out. No skipping."

"Okay, fine! Girls with GID display intense negative reactions to parental expectations or attempts to have them wear dresses or other feminine attire. Some may refuse to attend school or social events where such clothes may be required... They prefer boy's clothing and short hair, are often misidentified by strangers as boys, and may ask to be called a boy's name. Reminds you of something?"

"...go on."

"Their fantasy heroes, yeah no, I never had fantasy heroes…"

"You had She-Ra."

"Yeah, but she made me gay, not trans, mom. Prefer boys as playmates, contact sports… yeah, none of that either…"

"You used to play soccer as a kid. Your dad has a lot of pictures of that, you know."

"I… didn't actually know that… huh."

"You didn't learn to kick a ball from your father, though. I'll tell you that."

It took a bit of time for Remy to stop himself from giggling, deciding to sip his tea instead. It didn't work very well.

"Yeah… well… moving on, ‘they show little interest in dolls or any form of feminine dress up or role-play activity. A girl with this disorder may occasionally refuse to urinate in a sitting position. She may claim that she has or will grow a penis and may not want to grow breasts or menstruate. She may assert that she will grow up to be a man. Such girls typically reveal marked cross-gender identification in role-play, dreams and fantasies.' Does any of this sound familiar, mom? Because I don't… I don't actually know."

"Until now… yeah. All of that sounds incredibly familiar. Look, I…"

"I know what's you're gonna say, and please don't. It's fine. I know you panicked, I know you said things you didn't mean to, but… can we leave that for now? That's a bridge we're gonna deal with later. Now, adults with GID…"

They ended up staying up for far longer than either of them wanted to, but it was alright. Linda wanted to learn. Remy was willing to teach her.

They only barely made it to bed at three in the morning, the page bookmarked for tomorrow, when they'll continue reading.

#kylo cant write #sanders sides #remy/sleep #emile picani #keep him safe #sleep is for the weak #the remy centric prequel #tw: period appropriate transphobia #tw: mental health discussion #tw: invalid/defunct definition of transgender #tw: discussion of abortion #tw: mentions of self-harm #tw: personality disorders #tw: hospitalization #tw: panic attacks #tw: rejection sensitive dysphoria #wow this is a long one

[unwrittenmusings]

Rosvolio Drabble Challenge!

So, this is kind of a bonus. It wasn’t planned at all. These sentence prompts were too good to pass up so I complied a list. Let’s keep the momentum going with more Rosvolio content! Send me an ask if you have questions. 

Rules:

Choose a prompt(s) to use for your own inspiration or prompt someone else (if they are accepting prompts from others of course)

HAVE FUN!

Prompt List:

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”

“You did all of this for me?”

“You didn’t just wake me up at 2am because you were ‘in the mood’.”

"Can somebody escort the 30 year old having a temper tantrum out of the building?"

“Well..I’m pregnant.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

“I read a lot of fanfiction. Trust me, I know how this will turn out.”

“You legit have no chill, whatsoever.”

“You’re not as quiet as you think you are.”

“It could be worse.”

“Marry me?”

“Do you really think I could ever replace you?”

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

“I wish I could hate you.”

“Bite me.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while.”

“You fainted…straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

“I got you a present.”

“We’re not just friends. You know that.”

“They didn’t just find out. They already knew!”

“I’m baking a bunch of go fuck yourself cookies for you”

"I think my body forgets what shame is when I get drunk."

“You’re cute when you’re all worried.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

“…or we can chill in our underwear.”

“No one needs to know.”

“I want to spend the rest of my life annoying you.”

“When I was told I was going on a blind date, I never thought it’d be you.”

“If we get arrested, it’s your fault.”

“I am very turned on right now.”

“I don’t need a hero, I need a husband.”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.”

“No matter how bad things get, I’ll always be here for you.”

“Wow..um, you look really fucking sexy in that.”

“Please, don’t leave.”

“Is there a reason you’ve taken over my bed?“

“If you die, I’m gonna kill you.”

“You’re distracting me and it’s very irritating.”

“Well this is awkward…”

"Just for the record, I’m uncomfortable."

“Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

“Even if I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why this won’t work.”

“The paint’s supposed to go where?”

“No, wait…did you just say you love me?”

"You have to stop kissing me if you want to actually catch your plane."

“Come over here and make me.”

“I swear it was an accident.”

“Kiss me.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

"Can you at least admit you were little worried about me?"

“There’s no use in hiding it, I know you love me.”

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”

“Does that line ever work?”

“Who we are and who we need to be in order to survive are very different things.”

“We’ve become the clingy couple that you used to complain about.”

“We finish the same way we started, together.”

“If I’m lucky, you’ll stay for a while.”

“You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay?”

“Nothing could ever make me hate you.”

“I’m pretty good at providing distractions.”

"You can’t dirty talk your way out of this!"

“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

“You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

“You are the human version of a migraine.”

“And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations.”

“Hush, I’m trying to kiss you.”

“Both of you have been glancing at each other for the past two fucking hours when the other isn’t looking. Will you please make out already!”

“Is it too early to have a breakdown this week?” “It’s Monday.”

“You’re like a giant cinnamon roll.”

“You’re so clingy, I love it.”

“It’s only stupid if it doesn’t work.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Wanna dance?”

"Please don’t punch him too hard in the face. I like his face."

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

"I do see the appeal in wanting to start a fight with her, but you do realize she would absolutely destroy you."

“Watching you get angry is half the fun!”

“If we’re about to die right now I want you to know…”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.”

“Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.”

“I guess…this is when we kiss?”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

“Are you okay?” “No, next question.”

“I’ll take the couch.”

“Well I fucked up again.”

“I’m your husband. It’s my job.”

“You left your underwear back at my place.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it!”

“Have you lost your mind!?”

"Look at my cute ass face and tell me you don’t love me"

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”

“I lost our kids.”

“That wasn’t very subtle.”

“If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”

"I didn’t become a journalist for this bullshit!"

“You’d look better in my shirt.”

“You deserve to know what love can feel like.”

“Let’s move in together.”

“I think people hug at this point.”

“You make me want things I can’t have.”

“Oh god, I need a drink”

“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not.”

“I’m going to need about six more cups of coffee before I lose the nerve to do this.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“This is bad, right?”

“We need to talk.”

#rosvolio drabbles #rosvolio #still star crossed #rosaline x benvolio #benvolio x rosaline #sscfic #sscedit #rosvoliofic #rosvolioedit #stillstarcrossededit #stillstarcrossedfic #rosvolio prompt #rosvolio prompt challenge

[wakandan-flowerz]

Just As Bad IV

Masterlist for previous parts and all other fics!

A/N: Shoutout to all who have supported. I know I was gone for a bit but, I’m back and this series will be progressing quite a bit. Stay tuned and please let me know if you want to be tagged cuz I will forget. As always, Reader is Black. Feedback is welcome.

Warnings: Violence, mentions of death, smut, smut and a tinge of fluff, drug use and alcohol use. Cursing. The reader and Erik being their usual selves when they work.

You and Erik sat at the head of the table, looking around the casino. “No signs of them.” He said.

“I don’t have all fucking night.” You growled after sipping your drink.

Erik chuckled, kissing your neck and rubbing the small of your back. “Chill, ma. I’m rubbing off on you too much being all tense and shit. Since our company isn’t arriving anytime soon, let me you loosen up.” Erik’s hand slipped under your skirt as he pulled your right leg over his lap. You looked around to make sure no one was watching as Erik moved your thong to the side and made contact with your clit. You jolted forward as he rubbed circles on you.

“We need to keep our heads on a swivel.” You said, fighting your moans.

“I got you.” He whispered, studying the crowd while keeping his finger busy. You gripped the edge of the table and bit your lip. “Fuck, you’re wet. Me fingerfucking you on a mission turn you on?” Erik inserted a finger inside you. You rolled your head over your shoulders, taking deep breaths. You glanced at other people making sure no one was catching on to what was going on under the tablecloth.

“Shit.” You hissed. You gripped Erik’s wrist as you angled your hips for him. Erik peppered kisses along your neck as he pulled you in.

Erik inserted another finger and used his thumb to tease your clit. “Fuck, right there. Almost.” You sighed. Your gripped the fabric of Erik’s pants as you contracted around him. “I’m about to cum.”

“You better hurry up. Our targets just walked in the door.” Erik said. You let out a low moan, trying to focus on not being too vocal. “Come on, Princess. Let out a quick nut for me.”

“Faster.” You whispered, angling yourself in your chair. “Fuck, Stevens.” You quivered and your toes curled in your heels. Your nails dug into the table as you tightened around his fingers. You choked on your own moans as you came. Your thighs rotated, closing in on Erik’s hand. Erik chuckled, pulling his hand from your vice grip and licking his fingers. You cleared your throat, pulling your skirt back down.

“Now, let’s handle this.” Erik said, pulling his jacket in.

You adjusted yourself in your chair, giving him a smirk. You leaned back, pulling your ponytail forward and crossing your legs. Erik smirked at you as he settled back in his chair. The two men approached your table and sat down with the briefcase.

“Show us the product and we show you the money.” The man said.

Erik reached into the pocket of his denim jacket and pulled out the flash drive. “New plans for military grade weapons and the lists of the manufacturers. You’ll be able to equip your boys in Guatemala with just a phone call.” You said.

“How do we know it’s on there?” the other asked, crossing his arms. “How do we you ain’t a lying bitch?”

You leaned forward but, Erik spoke up for you, putting the flash drive back in his jacket pocket. “You might want to watch your mouth. She’s crazy and I ain’t a fan of assholes talking reckless when they asked us to the dirty work, especially to her. We ought to charge y’all double for what we had to go through. How about you trust us and talk to us nice or we walk outta here with information to win a small war and you just leave empty-handed.”

The table was silent as you stared each other down. This wasn’t going well and you knew this shit was going south. You looked behind you and saw men in suits coming into view. You knew they were armed and this wasn’t about play out cleanly. You sighed, shaking your head. “Stevens, you know what I find funny?”

“What’s that, ma?” Erik said looking at you.

“It’s always the motherfuckers that don’t want to pay up that underestimate us.” You said nodding towards the men coming towards you.

Erik nodded, peeping what was going on. “Well, how about we just make an example outta ‘em?”

“Listen…” one of the men said.

“No, you listen.” Erik said.

“We’re not sure what game you are exactly running but, let us example something to you. We’ve been through this before with people just as dumb as you.” You said.

“Maybe even dumber.” Erik chuckled taking a sip of his drink.

“So, your goons that are creeping up from all these hidden corners, whether you brought them to scare us in numbers or to take us out back and put a bullet in us, it doesn’t mean shit.” You said.

“Because, this ain’t our first rodeo.” Erik said. “You don’t want to pay us, fine. But, what you won’t do is play us like we ain’t shit. Call your guys off, let’s make this exchange or else.”

“Or else what?” One of them said, cocking an eyebrow up.

You rolled your eyes and reached under the table. Your finger gripped the trigger on a tactical shotgun. You felt your head being yanked back. One of the guys had a fist full of your hair and Erik looked back to see a pistol being pointed at you.

“Hands up!” he said

“No, it’s hands off.” Erik jumped up with the champagne bottle in his hand. He broke it over the man’s face that had a gun to you. Erik grabbed him by his collar and took the gun into his hand, using him as a human shield. You stood up, pulling the slide on the shotgun and firing shots at both men. You jumped on top of the table, standing over the briefcase.

“We need an escape!” you yelled.

“Working on it, babe.” Erik said, kicking a chair into someone before they could fire at him. The bullets went up and hit the chain on a chandelier. Erik looked up and watched it shake. The links buckled and Erik knew it was going fall but, it was the position that scared him. Erik looked in your direction and saw that you were preoccupied with the henchmen looking for cover behind a pillar. Erik tackled you before the chandelier could make contact, letting it crash on the table. Erik kicked over another table, as he kept you down and let bullets miss the both of you, but still kept you shielding with his body. Erik reached through the debris of the table and the broken chandelier and pulled out the duffle bag and handed you the bulletproof vest. “Get this on. We move on my count.”

You pulled the vest on over you, nodding. Erik pulled the rifle out the bag and loaded it. You noticed a shadow coming over and turned. You laid on your back, cocking the shotgun and putting around in the man’s chest. “I’m out.” You said. Erik handed you the automatic machine guns. You took the safety off and looked over at Erik.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Always.” You said. Erik leaned in and gave you a kiss. You kissed back then pulled away.

“Let’s go.” Erik said. You both jumped up and covered each other’s backs. You had the room cleared in a matter of minutes and made it out with both briefcase and the information you collected.

You and Erik rested in a hot bubble bath together. Erik had rolled a blunt and you had a bottle of your favorite red wine to drink. Music played in the background with dim lights, setting a relaxing mood. “We’re done taking deals from Central American mobsters.” Erik said before lighting his blunt. You hummed in agreement. You leaned over and grabbed the wine glass from the floor.

“So?” you said after sipping your wine.

“So what?” Erik said, blowing a puff of smoke into the air. You rolled your eyes as you sat back against the tub, the scented bubbles around you, covering your chest.

“Look, it’s been three weeks now. You never told me. What made you change your mind?” you asked. “And you better be honest.”

Erik took another drag off the joint he rolled before speaking. “Pussy was too good to give up.”

“Haha. Okay, Stevens.” You said.

“Nah, but seriously. I can’t ride with nobody else.” Erik said, fishing your feet out of the water and holding them to his chest. “No one else can handle me and I’m not trying to look up and you got a new partner.”

“I guess, I’ll take that as an ‘I have feelings for you’ and be happy.” You said putting your wine glass on the edge of the tube.

“Real shit, Y/N. You’re intelligent, you’re a great shot, you keep me on my toes, you’re the sexiest woman I’ve seen touch a gun, and you the only woman I would let choke me during sex.” Erik said rubbing the top of your feet.

You chuckled. “If that’s all I get I’ll take it.” You said.

Erik smacked his lips. “High maintenance ass.” He said.

“What about we don’t get a happy ending?” you said, sipping more wine.

Erik shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe we do, maybe we don’t”

“Well, maybe I’ll find someone with better dick and actually wants what I want and drop you.” You said.

“Yeah fucking right.” Erik said. “Bring your pretty ass over here.” You got up and straddled Erik. You felt his hard member against you. You leaned in and kissed him, pulling at his lip. Erik reached down and pulled the bottle of silicone lube, putting some on his fingers. You moaned as you felt Erik lather your entrance. He wrapped one arm around the small of your back as he patted your pussy with his tip. You pulled away and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“So, Stevens…we’re going to try this out.” You asked.

“You gotta stop calling me Stevens. It’s either Erik or Daddy.” He said as he palmed your ass.

“How about neither?” you moaned as you sank down on his hard member. Erik started to guide you, up and down on him, making the both of you let out gasps.

“You’ll do it eventually.” He chuckled. “We’ll give it time.” You started a slow bounce on Erik, moaning in his ear. You gripped the tub as you quickened your pace. The water started to splash around you as you twerked on him.

Erik’s hand landed on your ass with a force that made you jump. “Faster.” He huffed. You obliged, adjusting yourself to move your hips faster. Erik let his head fall back as he groaned. He reached and picked up the blunt, offering it to you. Without breaking your rhythm, you took two drags of it and letting the last puff of smoke leave your mouth with a moan. “Damn, you sexy. Keep working them hips, ma.”

You moaned as you tightened around him. You threw your head back moaning as your hips kept meeting Erik’s. He pinched your nipples as he bit at your neck. You pulled Erik off of you as your hand grabbed onto his neck, choking him. Erik let out a throaty moan as you started to grind your hips to him, leaning back for leverage. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re going to make me cum.”

“Say that again. Say I’m going to make you cum, Stevens.” You said breathlessly.

“You’re going to make me cum.” He hissed, eyes shut and brows furrowing. “Fuck!”

Your hips crashed into him one last time with a loud cry as you cry. Erik’s hips pushed you up as he shot into you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, letting your head rest on his shoulder. Without warning, Erik grabbed you by the back of your knees. The water moved violently as he stood up, holding you. You wrapped your legs around him. Erik leaned and grabbed the lighter and the leftover blunt. He took big steps out of the bathtub and walked you both to the bed, still inside you. Erik dropped you on the bed and untied the wrap around your head letting your curls fall. You turned on your stomach, arching your back like Erik always wanted. You looked back at Erik as he watched you biting his lip. You wiggled your ass for him, almost teasingly. Erik brought his hand down on your ass cheek. You hissed at the sting but, laughed it off. You watched Erik put the blunt back to his lips and relight it. He took a long drag as he massaged your ass. “Are you going to fuck me? Or are you just gonna leave me here wet while you smoke?”

“Imma fuck that impatience out of you since you wanna whine so much.” Erik said as he let out a puff of thick smoke.

“You can try.” You scoffed. Erik left the blunt in his lips as he gripped your hips. He pushed himself inside you and immediately started with the strokes. You moaned and grabbed the sheets as you began to throw yourself back into him. Erik took the blunt out of his mouth and blew the smoke out into the air. He leaned down and pulled on your hair, yanking you up. “Fuck! Uh, yes! Stevens!”

“So now I gotta fuck you until you call me daddy?” Erik asked.

“You gon be fucking me for a long time.” You chuckled through your moans.

Erik leaned down, kissing on your neck and your ear. “You know that can be arranged, Y/N.” His hips crashed into you, faster and harder. You propped yourself up on your arms only for Erik to force you back down, gripping the back of your neck. You gasped as you searched for something to grab onto. Erik gripped your waist with one hand as he took drags off the blunt. You quivered around him and your toes curled. You reached under you to rub circles on your clit. “Get your hand away from there.”

You didn’t listen and continued. You screamed as Erik reached and grabbed your hand, yanking your arm in a way it shouldn’t be yanked. The pain only added to your arousal though. Erik took his hand off your neck and took the blunt out of his mouth and put it out on the sheets, tossing the bud. “Where you want it, ma?”

“On my back.” You whined.

Erik pounded into you as your legs shook and tightened around him. You gasped as your orgasm ripped through you. Erik hurriedly pulled out of you and let himself release on the small of your back. He hovered over you catching his breath. Erik went back to the bathroom and got a wet towel. You smiled as he tenderly cleaned you up. Erik looked back at you, leaning down. He kissed you and pulled away.

Erik laid down next to you and pulled you in. You were enjoying the silence until Erik opened his mouth. “So, I think we should get you a grill. My girl gotta have some ice.”

You smacked your lips. “You always gotta ruin the damn moment.”

“I’m serious, baby girl. Once this heat roll over, I’m taking you to my guy and we getting you some custom made ice. So cold you cause a cold front if you take a deep breath.” Erik said putting his hand behind his head, smirking at you.

“Stevens, go to sleep.” You said.

“It’s Daddy, Princess.” Erik teased. You hit him with a pillow making him laugh as he turned over, wrapping his around him.

tags: @texasbama @soldierandawar @babygirlofwakanda @randomwordprompts @theultimateblacknerdwithglasses @bartierbakarimobisson

#erik killmonger x you #erik killmonger imagine #erik killmonger smut #erik killmonger #erik stevens #erik killmonger x black reader

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

#v long #nothing to see here #sorry for clogging your dash #idk how to break it

[peachywise]

little games

richie tozier x reader 

– Part V || ⋆ Introduction ⋆ Part I ⋆ Part II ⋆ Part III ⋆ Part IV ⋆ Part V (more to be released)

– Synopsis: After the most recent prank Richie pulled, the last thing you expected was to be hanging out with him. It wasn’t by choice, but still. This trip to the quarry is going to be a long one. 

– Notes: so sorry it took me this long to update guys! i took a bit of a break but i’m back into the swing of things with fanfiction. as always, let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!! (also, i realized im really poor at updating the tag list, so if you’ve asked me to tag you and i haven’t just give me a lil reminder and i’ll try to be better with it) (also, abuse tw in the first little bit, and abuse mentions later on) 

The pain was unbearable.

You had felt pain before, but never to this extent. Your head was screaming, splitting, sickening. You wondered if the force in which you had hit the wall had cracked your skull. Possibly cracked other parts of your body, and the drywall itself. And was that blood? It was hard to tell; your vision was cutting out.

You could hear her yelling, though the ringing in your ears was too loud to decipher the actual words. It was probably the same as always, however. Even through the blinding pain, such sayings had been ingrained into your memory for years.

Something touched your arm and you instinctively coiled back, weakly, from fear and the sudden pain that shot through it. Did that get injured too? A new face invaded the blurry scene in front of you, as hands gripped your face gently, a deeper, more reassuring voice cutting past the yelling woman. You swore you heard more voices enter the house before everything went black.

Rising with a cold, frigid scream, you were unsure if it was residual fear from your reoccurring nightmare or the cold ass fucking water that had just been doused all over you.

You were going to go with the latter.

A hand quickly clapped over your mouth, stifling your scream, as the face of Richie goddamn Tozier got way to close for comfort. His too big glasses that framed his alarmed, yet oh-so-amused eyes, began to slip slightly down his nose as he had the gall to shush you. Not to be cliché or anything, but the fucking nerve of that kid!

“I’m going to remove my hand, but you gotta be quiet or your aunt’s gunna come up here,” he harshly whispered, as your eyes drilled into his. You hoped he understood just how annoyed you were. This was almost as bad as your nightmare. Almost. Letting out a huff of air, you gave a brief nod of your head, and Richie tentatively pulled his hand away, not moving back an inch from his close position. Still aggravated, and entirely drenched, you lifted your arm up and put your whole hand over his face, pushing him away as you simultaneously sat up. He smacked it away.

“What the hell do you think you're doing, and was the water really necessary?” you bit out, throwing the covers off of you as you climbed out of bed, shivering as you made your way over to grab a hoodie that had been thrown over your desk’s chair. “How the hell did you even get in here? Why are you here?” you questioned, slipping it over your head and still giving him a death glare, no matter how weak it was in your tired state.

“Well I was bound to make you wet eventually, the water just sped the process up a bit,” the boy snickered. Feeling heat rise to your cheeks at the comment, you quickly reached over to grab a notebook and throw it full force at his stupid head. Bound to eventually. Ha! You knew he was an idiot, but now he was delusional as well.

Catching it before it could hit him, he fumbled with it for a second before it dropped to the ground. “I got in through your window. Come on, we’re playing hookie from school.”

Yep. Totally delusional.

“No,” you stated definitely, crossing your arms in front of your chest as the two of you had an intense stare down. “No way.” What the hell was going on? The last time you had even talked to Richie was last Friday when he had been over to your house, confronting your cousin. You had played it fairly cool then, but as soon as the trashmouth had left, you reamed Bill out. Yeah, what Richie said was decent of him, but did that make you friends? Nuh-uh.

“Well, I already called you in, so it’s either you come with me, or I spend all day here. I always was Bill’s Moms favourite, I wonder how she’s doing—“ he spoke, moving lazily towards your door. You heart leaped out of your chest as you reached out to grip his upper arm. Aunt Sharon could not find out he was up here. Oh God, what would she think?

“Don’t even think about it,” you hissed, jerking him back towards you, before dropping your hand as if touching him would corrode your fingers off. “How could you call me in? Full offense, but you don’t sound anything like Sharon or Zack,” you stated, crossing your arms once again and pulling your hands into the sleeves of your hoodie to warm them up. Richie quirked an eyebrow. “Wanna bet?” he smiled, before straightening his back and pulling a face you assumed was meant to read ‘aged dad’ but came across more like a poor man’s Robert De Niro.  “Yes, Hello? I’m Y/N L/N’s guardian. Yes, Zack Denbrough. They seemed to have—” putting up your hand in order to cut him off, you had heard enough. It wasn’t the most spot-on impression, but damn, over a scratchy phone, even you would have been fooled.

“Alright, alright, I get it you asshole,” you grumbled out, while he simply continued to smirk. “But seriously. Crawl back out of the window where you came from. I’m going to go to school, I’ll just tell the front office I feel better or something,” you shrugged, moving over to your drawers to pull out some clothes to change into. Not that you would while Richie was still there.

“If this is about your math test, this sick day will at least give you one more day to study for it,” Richie commented. Math test? What math test, you didn’t remember there being a math test— oh shit. Oh fuck. With everything that had happened last Friday and the stress of getting over it on the weekend, you had totally forgotten. Your face must have displayed the clear panic you had felt, as Richie stepped up to you with a wide, toothy, Cheshire grin as he stated, “you forgot, didn’t you? Well, now you have no choice but to skip with me.”

“I hate you.”

“That’s the spirit!” Richie declared, “now get dressed. Something hot. You are hanging out with me, after all,” he commented, as he moved over to your drawers, utterly disregarding the clothes you had already pulled out. You grabbed him by the back of his t-shirt and tugged him back, shoving him towards your open window. “Why would I dress nicely when you didn’t provide me the same courtesy?” you deadpanned, pointing out the window. “Now get out while I change. I’ll meet you down there.”

“As you wish,” Richie commented, giving a rather shit elaborate bow before hopping right out the way he came. Why were you doing this? Why did you agree? Why the hell did he offer? You two could barely stand to be in the same room with each other, and he wanted to spend the day recreating Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? You didn’t trust it. The smart idea would be to lock your window and brace going to school and taking the (probable) fail on your math test. But damn, if your curiosity wasn’t getting the best of you. Whatever prank Richie inevitably had planned, you were going to win. You half expected that by not going with him, that was admitting defeat.

You wouldn’t dare do that.

Quickly stripping off your wet clothes, you threw on a simple t-shirt and jeans, before grabbing the towel off the back of your door and rubbing your still damp hair with it. You had no time to fully dry or tame the locks, so the sun outside would have to do.

Sighing as you made your way over to your window, you quietly squirmed your way out, dropping down the short way from the ledge to the ground. “Ready?” Richie questioned, slinging his arm over your shoulder. “Let’s get this day over with,” you mumbled, shrugging his arm right off as you waited for him to lead the way.

“What is this place?” You questioned, as you gazed over the cliff to the calm water below. It had only just turned into fall, so the air was crisper than usual. You regretted not wearing a sweater. “I know we don’t get along, but I didn’t expect you to murder me,” you added, twisting the look over your shoulder. Richie rolled his eyes as he stepped next to you. “It’s the Quarry. All of us used to hang out here a bunch when we were kids. Not so much anymore, but in the summers sometimes it’s nice to come back here.”

Making a small “ah,” noise, you nodded before looking back to the water below again. It was… nice. You could see why it could be a better hang out spot than anywhere in town. Imagining all seven of them here wasn’t that hard. Made you kind of wish you had grown up here instead. With them. As much as you had become friends with the rest of the Losers’ Club, you still felt a bit like an outsider. You hadn’t fully let them in yet, and until you did, you’d always just be skimming on the edge, peering in, wishing and hoping.

The thought of that made your heart ache just the slightest bit.

After about three minutes of just silence, you felt an overwhelming urge to say something. So, out came the first thing that your mind thought was appropriate to bring up. “Thanks for saying that to Bill,” you mumbled, wrapping your arms around yourself and tucking your hands under your arms. “The other night,” you quickly added, as if it really needed clarification.

Shrugging his shoulders, the boy in the vibrant floral shirt sat down on the dirt covered ground, letting his legs hang off the cliff’s edge. Hesitantly, you joined him. “Well it’s true,” he quipped, putting his weight on his arms as he leaned slightly back. “But seriously. If I ever step too far, just tell me. I understand that some shit just can’t be touched." A little more quietly, he added, "trust me.”

Turning to look at him, you studied his face. You were shocked to see the small look of sincerity etched on his features. Maybe he did understand. No one should, but maybe he did. And maybe that made you two more alike than you ever cared to admit.

Not thinking it the time or the place to ask him what he meant by that, you decided on a question with less emotional implication.“Why are we here, Richie?” Your voice was just barely loud enough to hear over the wind as it picked up.

“I don’t know," he stated, "honestly. It felt weird knowing you hadn’t seen this place yet.” Odd reasoning. Turning your gaze towards him, you gave him a questioning look, prompting him to elaborate further. He returned it with a glance of minor exasperation.

“You’ve been here for a month and already you’ve squirmed your way into the group. This place just seems like part of the group, I guess.” He huffed out, a small crease appearing on his forehead. Apart of the group? How could you be apart of the group if not everyone had accepted you yet?

“But you hate me.”

Whipping his head in your direction, that statement seemed to have caught him off guard. Giving your own look of disbelief, you let out a small laugh as you stated, “what? I mean, it’s no secret that we kind of like giving each other shit every day.” Richie snorted, shaking his head like you were the idiot. You took offense to that more than anything he had done thus far.

“Baby cakes, if I hated you, do you really think we’d be here right now?”

Trying to force yourself not to kick him in the shin over the nickname, you bit your retort back and thought about it for a second. He was right, you guessed. But then again, you were here, and didn’t you hate him? Now, you weren’t so sure.

“It’s just fun pranking you. I was the only interesting thing is this boring town before you came along. Still am, but you’re moving up in the ranks.” Smacking his arm lightly, you couldn't stop the half smirk that quirked up your lips. “Ha ha,” you sounded out sarcastically, turning to look back over the cliff. “You keep running your mouth Tozier, and I’ll find a way to shut you up for good.”

“Is that a promise?”

Turning back to glance at him, your mouth slightly gaped open. Taking in his impish look as he simply smiled your way, you instinctively leaned in closer to him, lowering your voice slightly as you stated, “I never break a promise.”

And it was true.

With that, you gave him the slightest little shove forward, making him tumble down to the inevitably freezing cold water below. Standing up, you dusted the dirt off your pants and smiled down at Richie as his moppy haired head sprang up from underneath the water, gasping for breath. Payback was a real bitch.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school, Rich,” you called down to him. 

Even though he flipped you off in return, the wide, laughing grin he shot your way was hard to miss.

-- tag list: @breaking-biles @ubertrashmouth @strangerthing-havehappend @wolfhard-tozier @sin3at3r @eighties-hoe @multi-parker @nicht-so-schnell @stan-the-losers-club-man @bailey-the-wise @firebreathingslytherinqueen @fearless2tobeme @winnsmills @of-outerspace @st353days @this-cute-shit-xo @hummingstan @babylovereddie @derrysdenbrough @socially-awkward-nerd @emmaamalie @catching-fire-in-the-wind @humblehanlon @noodleboyuris @beepbeeprichtozier @fightmebub @firefistnoct @kaspbrakthings @whygz @geez-richie @los-angelass @trashmouthwheelr @paranormaltozier

#little games #richie tozier #richie toizer x reader #richie x reader #finn wolfhard #it #it fanfiction #it fanfic #it fandom #it 2017 #it imagine #richie tozier imagine #finn wolfhard x reader #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #stan uris #stanley uris #bev marsh #sophia lillis #jack dylan grazer #jaeden lieberher #wyatt oleff #jeremy ray taylor #chosen jacobs

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

#tag thing #aaaa god that was so fun but a bit time consuming tbh lol

[schmerzerling]

Did dean ever get his heart transplant? I gotta know.

Yes. Absolutely. I had a sequel started and outlined where he does, and I went back to writing it whenever I missed Disneyland, but I haven’t worked on it in a long time. I just opened it for the first time in forever, and if it’s any indication of the pain I had planned, here’s the first line:

The good news is, Dean finally got bad enough that theybumped him up the transplant list.

The bad news is, Dean finally got bad enoughthat they bumped him up the transplant list.

Yeah, whoops.

HOWEVER, if it’s any consolation, when I opened that document, I found a couple little fic bits for the Your Heart Makes universe that I had written at some point and forgotten about? So uh, here’s one: 

Dean visits sick kids while he’s in the hospital because of-fucking-course he does. Since he andCas had started dating, Dean had been admitted to the hospital twice. Before,he’d been too sick to do much of anything. More pacemaker issues. Respiratoryproblems. Ideally, Dean’s job situation would mean he’s not exposed to thatmany germs from the people in the park, but Dean doesn’t exactly play it safeon his own time. Luckily, this third time he was admitted, he felt okay, wasjust in overnight as a precaution, but it meant that the whole time he was thereit was like he was blowing some kind of high-pitched whistle that only thenurses could hear.

They all came at him and wanted to tell him off for nottaking it easy or for eating too many fried foods or for drinking too muchcoffee. He took it gracefully until a dark-haired nurse with a sultry smileapproached to tell him that the kids down in Peds missed him, and then it wasall game-face and sullen determination. Dean didn’t like being here, hatedbeing strapped down to equipment, hated the way that hospitals made him feellike he was already dying, so Castiel could see the exact moment where hedecided to turn it into another exercise in self-destructive selflessness.

Cas was a part of this now. He couldn’t pinpoint the exactmoment he went from ‘unwilling tagalong’ to ‘reluctant co-conspirator,’ but ifhe had to try, it would probably be that first day back in the park, rightafter he learned about Dean’s heart condition. Right around when he kissed himon a ride that they shouldn’t have been riding at all. Dean, it seemed, neededto do these things, and since it was Sam’s role to tell him not to, Sam’s roleto object to the things they both knew he would do anyway, it fell on Castielto make sure he did them as safely as possible.

So when night fell, Castiel helped him to secure his leftarm in a sling so he didn’t forget himself and lift it above his head, then he strappeda paper mask over Dean’s mouth so he didn’t get anything nasty and catchingfrom a sick kid. And finally, it fell on him to follow behind Dean down thehallway, dodging nurses and wheeling his drips and monitors in an attempt to besomething approaching stealthy. Castiel figured out pretty quickly that thenurses must have been turning a blind eye to it anyway, because there wasabsolutely no way that no one would have noticed them by the time they made itto the elevator. They even shared the elevator car with a stout nurse who hid asmile behind her hand as Dean, red-faced, complained that Cas wasn’t willing tocarry his IV pole down two measly flightsof stairs.

It was quiet in the kids’ ward. A lot of them were settledinto their beds, but when Dean squeaky-wheeled his way inside, many of themperked up. It was clear many knew him--these were the kids who were obviously repeatoffenders. The whole ward was bright and overly cheery and the kids were paleor bald or skinny, and Cas felt himself taking a nosedive before he was evenall the way inside the room.

Naomi called what he did spirals.Little loops of bad thoughts that he got himself stuck in. She gave himbreathing exercises and thinking exercises and exercise exercises to try and work himself out of the bad places hegot into. And she taught him how to recognize when one was coming on.

That’s not really rational,she’d stop him in the middle of a story to say. That’s not what people really think about you.

Now, he recognized that it was silly to look at these kidsand pity himself. But he couldn’t help thinking of his two wasted years inno-man’s land, his two years wallowing in self-pity, his two years where a daydidn’t mean anything and if the earth had swallowed him up, he wouldn’t havecared, and he couldn’t have helped thinking the no one else would’ve either.Looking at kids like these, kids that had to fight ever day to just exist, kindof put things into perspective.

Dean was one of those kids once. He still hadn’t heard muchabout Dean’s childhood, but there were painted Disney murals on the walls, andthey struck a chord with something that Sam told him that first night. He couldsee little-boy Dean sitting in front of a television, watching 101 Dalmations, strapped to the sameclunky equipment he was right now and trying to make the best of his bad situation.Back then, he’d probably thought that when he was the age he is now, he’d havea healthy heart to sustain him.

And who was Cas, someone who so freely took advantage of histime here, to be with someone like Dean? Dean must’ve thought it sometimes,too. That Cas wasn’t strong enough for him. That Cas didn’t have the fortitudeto do more than survive when he washealthy enough to be living.

Naomi compared thoughts like that to a steam engine, andCastiel liked to think of his brain as the Disneyland Railroad, blastingstraight through Tomorrowland Station and right into the Primeval World. Exceptwith fewer dinosaurs, maybe. Naomi’s exercises did an okay job of slowingthings down, taking some of the coals off the fire—

“And this is my boyfriend, Cas.”

But nothing ever derailed the train quite like Dean. Cassnapped from whatever steep incline he’d been tumbling down and marveled againat the fact that that was so easy forDean. He took Castiel’s hand for a second, gave it a brief squeeze, and heldhis eye. Castiel could feel where Dean’s IV hooked into the back of his hand,so he tried not to squeeze back too much. But it was hard, because some part ofhim always wanted to hold onto Dean for forever.

Most of the kids didn’t give a shit who Cas was, didn’t givea shit about boyfriends or social stigmas, they only seemed to care that Casmight also be able to draw them in princess dresses or fighting monsters.

“Can you draw like Dean can?” One of the girls asked. Caslooked down at her. Visibly, there was nothing wrong with her, but she waspale, and her lips were a little bit chapped and dry. Castiel knew that he wasmentally assessing what was wrong with each of them, silently doing the is-this-one-going-to-get-better? tangothat Gabriel insisted everyone did but no one admitted to. They got a lot ofMake-A-Wish kids in the park. A lot.And the character actors were always amazingwith them—but the younger people working the rides. The seventeen- andeighteen-year-old kids who had just gotten their first summer jobs—they had noidea what to do with them. Cas didn’t really either. Definitely not to start.

It was always hard. Facing that. Facing something so damningin someone so young.

“No.” The little girl shuffled her feet. He wanted to say, I can’t do much of anything that would be ofinterest to you. I’m not even sure why I’m here. But that was probably alittle bit heavy for a little girl in princess jammies who was up past herbedtime. “I’m not very good at drawing.”

“Oh. I’m okay at it. Last year I won second in a art contestat Garcia’s. You know. The restaurant? I got a free burrito. But Dean’s betterthan me though.” Castiel nodded along. “Do you like horses? I can teach you howto draw horses.”

Castiel nodded again. He watched the little girl scamperback to her bed and grab paper and markers. And then he sat down, shut up, andlearned how to draw horses.

Dean was swamped with kids, smiling hugely behind his papermask, popping off caricatures left and right. Disney characters and otherwise.But Castiel took charge of just the one, and he followed her careful instructionsto produce about as good a horse as he had ever doodled alone.

By the time the nurses came around to break up their not-so-subtlerendezvous, Dean had won the heart of every kid twice-over, and Castiel had aquiet field of pretty horses, grazing in the moonlight, on top of the starklinoleum. The little girl yawned and hugged him and took the drawing with herwhen she climbed back in bed.

As they waved goodbye to the kids and walked, nursesupervised, out the door, Dean bumped him with his shoulder. Castiel, stiffly,bumped back.

“You made a friend,” he teased, that same winning smilecrinkling his eyes.

“Yes, well. I learned how to draw a horse.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“No shit.”

“Nothing quite so impressive as your artwork, I’m afraid.”

Dean blew a raspberry with his lips, took hold of Castiel’shand with his one free one. The rubber tubing of his IVs rubbed against Castiel’sforearm, and Dean’s hidden grin softened into just a smile.

“Sometimes just being there is enough, you know?” Heshrugged.

Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand.

“Yes,” he said. “I suppose it is.”

#spn #how did i forget about this #there are like three more #my fic #your heart makes #long post #Anonymous

[modiintrainguy]

Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

?

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1.  ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a.       My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

 And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b.       The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2.  Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no  - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3.       Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4.       Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5.  ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

-          Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

-          Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though. 

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 8 - “I’ve got that BDE (Big Dummy Energy)” - Dylan C

Timmy

IT WORKED 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I am so happy, between the idol and this vote, it has been a great night. Idk what the blacklash is going to be from this but it’s fine, it’s all fine and I’m so happy. Also now it’s easier to work with Maynor so I’m so happy ❤️❤️

Raffy

Joseph, Timmy, Stephen, Maynor. They are on my shit list and they will go down, one-by-one. 

Maynor

❤️ Jay. I would want to say it here. Cuz i feel like Zoe might be really mad at me. But i am sorry for voting you out but you can fault me for wanting to get rid of the leader of an alliance that didn’t want to work with me to the endgame. If this move gets me voted out next then so be it. Like im glad i was able to pull this out in like a hr. Rewind for the last 24 hours:

Me and Timmy called and i just word vomited plans. He told me they already wanted to split between Joseph and Stephen. We got a rough plan maybe making it a 4-3-3 vote. Then cut to next morning and thinking it over how the votes will land. To Zoe’s blessing, she told me who was voting who for the split. My part one of the plan was to make sure timmy n I were on the stephen vote. Zoe put me on Joseph and i had to make up a lie how i felt bad for voting Joseph cuz he barely started talking to me but i was okay with voting Stephen. It worked and we switched. Then had to convince timmy and he gave me the go ahead cuz he wanted to better his position. So talked to Joseph and was shook that they were splitting the vote and he mentioned voting zoe or john before hand so got him scared/mad about being tricked and potentially being voted out so he was down for the plan. Then went to Stephen and he was down because he knew how shady zoe n john were for lying to him over and over again. (Stupid to not tell him about the sierra vote) and he was down. Then timmy re-assured joseph and the plan stablized. And it was executed perfectly and im so happy that i was able to do it. Its my proudest moment in my org history.

Raffy

I know Timmy was the one who backstabbed Mental Gymnastics because he is the only one who could've told Joseph/Maynor all the information they had to a) pick out a five and b) not trust Ellie or Dylan. Also, Timmy would want to get rid of Zoe because she had an idol and his immunity necklace enabled him to make a risky move. So, he is dead to me at this point. He needs to go next or so help me!

Dylan C

{Novel for after the video} I should've waited and ended that video since Timmy ended up confessing to being the fourth Zoe vote, according to Raffy. Good on him!!! me: who do you think told him [the tea] Raffy: Timmy lol. he admitted it to me in pms eh, so I wasn't the first to tell Joseph then, but whatevs. in theory, if I corroborated what Timmy said then it may seem more credible? I mean, idk what all Timmy would've told him, also Raffy: [is messaging as I type this in a sticky note while waiting for my video confessional to upload, time: 12:32 am EST] Raffy: "He's a backstabber and a liar and a rat | So I'm not trusting him anymore." Hm, time to play this angle and have some fun with it, I guess. Maybe Raffy knows I'm full of shit, to him, too. Or not, since I haven't been online most of the day for people to find that out. Me: "Jesus. Why the fuck would he even do that" Raffy: "I truly, honestly do not know" So the million dollar question: is this a two way bullshit street or just the one way. Driving down it either way. I'll find out eventually. Me: "Wow. Like, it’s dumb, too. Why betray and alliance that would put you in a solid position?" Raffy: "Like they don't even have a majority right now | I'm just dumbfounded" Me: "me too, I don't understand" Either this is all true or it isn't fuck if I can confirm. Guess I'll talk around and uhhhh actually talk genuine game to people and kick my shit up a notch?? Like I'm exaggerating here and pretending to be shocked at something that wasn't fucking shocking at all if you have goddamn eyes? Is Raffy doing the same??? idk!!!! Timmy was gonna be the first person I messaged today had I actually, yk, done that Me, to Timmy: "so Raffy has outright said he wants to get you out" Timmy: "Yeaaaa that’s what it sounds like in my pms | I’m sorry I kind of destroyed the alliance" Me: "I would've done the same if I had been in any sort of game-oriented headspace today" God, my confessionals are gonna feel lackluster once I send ones that aren't me "liveblogging" shit as it happens Also, bless Timmy bc after that message he expressed concern and I was like "lol no I was just Distracted" Can I just say that I hate that Raffy is apparently right, assuming everything I've been told is true, about who didn't vote for Zoe? Kinda wanted hi to get some of it wrong and then have one of those people wind up in his Secret Chat bc that's got some spicy ass potential. Me? About to spill nearly Everything I'm feeling to Timmy as well? It's more likely than you think!

Dylan C

So I’ve got that BDE (Big Dummy Energy) and forgot to circle back to EoE in the video. Which is on brand since I’ve been forgetting about it all game. Basically I hope Zoe doesn’t come back from it. I’d rather Jack wndnsksbx. That’s assuming no one else returns from EoE. I think Jack and Zoe are the most likely to, though. Raffy asking me who I think we should align with in the future? Who we should trust? Akdjsjjdbdakdjsb BOYO. If this is all genuine, I’m gonna go feral.

Stephen

https://drive.google.com/file/d/164JnDqAVkXgT2ERZmwiZeT3IjANBi7DS/view?usp=drivesdk

Joseph Collins

I can’t wait to see what Ellie has to say in the morning. Who I thought was my biggest ally. She was blindsided by that vote too. I wonder how she’ll defend herself. Ulfur is dead to me. Except for raffy. 

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/g0LLDO9uetU 

Maynor

Raffy is really pissed and wants me gone. If not timmy. It is his fault. Treating people like they were nothing but a vote to use and then disregard when no longer needed. He literally said that about ellie n keith. And probably thought the same about me too. But its funny. He underestimated me. Like just cuz a vote doesnt go your way doesnt mean you have to be salty and bitter. Like i understand him being mad. But sayjng wanting to be in the loop next time but like dude you didnt have me in the loop so like fair is fair. He really thought i wasnt someone to keep an eye on cause of ratuma. Im a very dangerous player and he got hit with the hard reality that other people are here to play and not to hand him an easy win. Take a seat raffy. 

Raffy

I created the Shhh alliance as a way to regain some control in this game. It's made up of John, Dylan, Ellie, Keith, and I. It's everyone who was left out of the loop during the last vote. The other side has another thing coming. They can go on and say that there is no sides or alliance, but they created a division when they decided to keep people out of the loop. Throughout the day, Joseph and Ellie have been talking privately with both of them feeding information to me about their conversation. Apparently, they are both very angry with each other as Joseph felt Ellie's betrayal on a personal level. He thinks she knew about the split vote and I confirmed it for him even though that is not true. So, I basically enabled and egged on a feud between two people I am close with so that I can play the middle. In this way, I can create a situation that empowers me in this game. However, I want both of them to stay a little longer so that their fued can be the centerpiece as I fade into the background, manipulating both of them. If I had to choose, I would pick Ellie over Joseph because I trust her more to tell me the truth and take me to the end. Timmy and Maynor still want to work with me, but I am serving as a double agent. Everything they tell me will go to my alliance. Right now, I want Maynor gone because he made the move to blindside. 

Dylan C

Raffy saying I’m “carrying the integrity of this season on my back” is so funny skdjsjscnskcbsj 

Dylan C

me, on the touchy subjects call for the second round: I have no idea what to put for some of these, and I feel like I'm gonna get a ton wrong

Jay: I can just copy your answers for you from the first round me: yeah okay but let me modify a few (read: like, 3) me: [wins] what the fuck

Joseph Collins

So. Here we are, immunity belongs to Dylan. I have no idea who my allies are. The people I thought were the closest to me, were only close so they could twist the knife in my back. I would be surprised if I survived this tribal and I think people might only be keeping me until eoe is over 

John

so i’m the villain AND people think i’m going to win if i get to the end? i’m honestly kinda screwed rn hahahahaha this isn’t looking good. people want me out. i know they do. i gotta do something.

Raffy

I think I might just be in the best and most dangerous position in this game. Everyone, seemingly, wants to work with me. Everyone, seemingly, wants me as their ally. And touchy subjects revealed that everyone thinks of me as their closest. This is good. This means, for now, I am in control of the vote, but I don't like being in this position for subsequent tribals. It has to come down to who I think will keep me here the longest

Maynor

Tonight is a scary night for me. John is hard core voting me tonight and i believe Raffy is too. I know for sure we have 4 votes of me timmy joseph n stephen. I want to believe that keith and dylan are in the vote too on my side. So should probably be like a 6-3 vote. And im hoping because im really scared. I dont want to go home tonight. Like ive been playing so hard to go home over people who are petty.

Raffy

Joseph wants John out bad. Like, he's pitching to everyone that John should go. I don't know whether that's Maynor or anyone else in his ear, but that's very threatening for my game. So the Shhh alliance is planning on blindsiding him. Everyone in the alliance is going to vote Joseph, while we tell people that we are targeting Maynor because of his hand in Zoe's elimination. I want to get rid of Joseph so bad! I hope he doesn't play an idol.

Raffy

People are eating out of my fucking hand this round. I don't feel safe or comfortable, but, from what I am hearing, everything is going well. Everyone in Shhh is down for a Joseph vote, and the plan for telling people it's Maynor is a go. Maynor is telling me all about Zoe's side alliances as if I didn't already know about them from the beginning. However, I am starting to build a relationship with Maynor because it is best for my game to do so. I could either pretend that I vote for John during this round, or I can say that I heard it was Joseph but that I couldn't tell him cause I thought they were close. The second argument works because it also reveals that I voted Joseph and convinced people to do so in order to save him which I am sure he'd be grateful for. Either way, I think this plan is going well, and I'll be alive by the end of this round.  

John

i honestly do not know where joseph’s comfortable attitude came from. at all. he is literally the natalie bolton of the season. a complete non entity until the third merge episode. i hope he goes.

Raffy

I'm smack in the middle between these two sides, and I am pitting them against each other. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass tonight

John

so tonight will test the new five: myself, raffy, ellie, dylan, and keith. joseph is claiming he's voting for maynor, but since he lies out his teeth every five seconds, we know he is not doing that. most likely he is voting for me, since my name has been thrown around since zoe's blindside. basically put, we gonna pray tonight.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/YT7O8PdGqek

Keith

Well its been a super busy couple of days. I have been travelling. 3 flight two stopovers later when I saw tribal. It was nothing less than a shock to see zoe got voted out. 

Fast forward.... now there is a split. 5 to 4 I realised after being matching up all the messages after being in four different zones. That maynor actually tried to get me on board with the flip. Though i knew i wouldnt do it then cause i wouldnt vote for zoe. But maybe i could have gone for a different person. And as i always knew. Im always behind in the game and now its really more visible than ever. Tonight hopefully I am making a move. But its not motivated by the fact the need somethinf on my resume. Its more about trying to have some traction in the game. Or there isnt even a point tryin to get to the end. P.S this is the first time so close to tribal i am still getting a feeling that I am about to get blindsided. Hopefully it doesnt happen

Joseph Collins

Too. Many. Liars. Lol. Dylan’s saying this. Raffy’s saying that. Dylan’s saying that raffys saying this. And raffys saying that Dylan’s saying that. I hate that I have to wait until after tribal to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth StephenSo me and Keith finally talked, he seems cool id like to work with him, but according to maynor hes in league with john, and i do not like the sound of that one bit no sir. So, its time for john to go, hes just too intense, raffy too but at least i know raffy a bit more, john is... so shady. I hope he goes.

Raffy

I am at the bottom. So that sucks. It means that no one is going to trust me and I should just chill and hope I win immunity

Dylan C

Ellie just gave me a rundown about what happened on the tribe call, and she said she was crying and now I feel bad. I wasn't involved in the call so I didn't really feel much surrounding the vote, but now I feel really bad

Maynor

I am living my best life. Like my plan of voted off zoe thag happened within an hr, has really changed the game. The people who were in the majority has really crumpled and gone back to back. I honestly can say im really proud of this game and people cant say i didnt do anything in this game. I single handledly made a final10 vote into a 4-3-3. Im playing hard amd playing to win. Lets hope i can make it to the end. Honestly i cam say that i may not be getting zoe’s or john’s vote if i do make it. 

Ellie

I’m on the bottom, but right now I’m focusing on myself before I’m focusing on the game and I feel like that is the best thing I can do right now. If I go, at least I’ll be at peace with myself