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pansear-doodles · 11 months

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Oh boy they're finally here in art fight

Their description is a handful. I spent quite a lot on it and it has a good chunk of my projections so

have fun with that.

Name: Artificer (Arti, Arty, Ruffian) Pronouns: Any/All Likes: Stress Relief through violence, Cuddling and being hugged (consentual), Gasoline, Spending time with friends, Shouting, Quiet places, Biting, Kids, Stabbing things, Having their hand held, Hunting Dislikes: Seeing their loved ones get hurt, Being alone, Stressful situations, Water, Being belittled, Feeling insecure, Losing, Feeling restrained, Being unable to see things

History: Artificer grew up in a small slug colony that resided in Garbage Wastes. This colony was jointed with the local scavenger colonies that are littered across the region, as an agreement to help one another: The slugcat's slippery body to go through narrow spaces were useful to the scavengers in their search for food and newer resources, while the scavengers provided what they have with their more mountainous amount of resource. Artificer had no friends and family- all they knew was to work for the scavengers to earn any incentive in order to survive. This lifestyle went on for quite sometime, but throughout, they maintained their care for others, even if the such is not reciprocated. Eventually, they had kids at an early age as a single mother. They never expected them but their presence brings them great comfort and something they have never really experienced before: happiness. They were desperate to keep them alive, making some self-sacrifices to take care of them. One day, they got sick. This was the bleakest day for Artificer and they couldn't afford anything to get them healthy. This prompted them to steal a pearl from a lone scavenger toll. They got quickly found out and was chased, but along the way, they trip and lose one of their kids- this fright caused a scavenger to accidentally throw a spear at them. Artificer was still being chased but came upon a river. They make a jump to continue the run, but a spear was thrown at them. Artificer's response to the spear hit was to build up an explosion to defend themself, but that separated them from their second child when the build-up was too much to bear, and the child fell down the river, taken away by leeches. Losing their children, their happiness, the dormant anger that laid deep in them- it cracked. They changed. They were permanently scarred. Their desires to shy back were no longer there- they wanted to fight to vent out all the anger they had. They destroyed things. They hurt people. They were driven to become something that they could not longer recognize but embraced. They also met Five Pebbles along the way, who hires them to drive away the scavengers found in the Metropolis. They obliged at first, clearing out the first dozens before a mysterious figure beckoned them to leave. Artificer chased after the figure who was taunting them with false promises, going out of Five Pebbles and finding themselves back on the ground. Enraged by the figure's disappearance, they ignited their surroundings through explosions. There, they meet a peculiar orange slugcat. They fought, and Artificer almost wins- only being beaten with a small compliment that broke them. They were roped up and taken to a shelter to talk about their problems to the slugcat, who was deeply sympathetic to their circumstance and wanted to help them out of the hole they dug themselves into. This slugcat was Hunter, who was on the brink of their grave illness. Artificer was convinced to learn how to heal and decided to partner up with Hunter so they can sought their happiness together as friends. But this friendship eventually lead them to allow romantic feelings to develop. With someone new in their life to care about, Artificer's overall anger lowered. They helped Hunter reunite with their creator in order to live longer and discover that their pups are still alive- as all creatures follow the cycle. However, they do not recognize their parent due to the trauma, breaking their heart once more. They eventually learn to accept this reality and is once more comfortable to be around them. Artificer would continue their care as they open up to other slugcats and even Five Pebbles. Artificer would go on to marry Hunter, as they deeply care for each other and know each other well enough to help one another when one is at their downtime. Despite having their kids back and finding family and friends that care about them, their trauma is still latched onto them, and all the scars they endure remain with them. It is an imperfect happy life.

Personality: Grumpy, Easily angered, and combative on the surface- especially towards strangers. Though deep inside, Artificer is passionate about looking after the people they care about. They are motherly and enjoy lively activities to be experienced with others. They can be kind and loving, given that they do not see the subject as threatening. They are usually distrusting of others unless they prove in some way that they won't hurt them. They are serious toned and while they have good intentions, doesn't execute their thoughts in the best way at times. They are anxious and at times experiences stressful visions triggerred by certain things that cause them to spiral. Most of the time, they translate these fears to commit acts of violence, as it is their form of defending themself from the externalities. It's the one thing they grew up that assures their own safety. Artificer both enjoys and hates solitude. For one, it gives them time to breathe and think for themselves. For another, it makes them feel loneliness, which is something they deeply despise. It can be difficult to read them, but sometimes their current needs don't need to be stated to be known. Despite not wanting to feel overwhelmed, Artificer can handle high amounts of stress, provided that they have security and if its for the sake of someone's wellbeing. They do not have a lot of self-respect and keeps their sadness in private where nobody can see them as vulnerable. They subconciously want people to back off from their business.

Biology: Artificer's parents were genetically modified and these modifications were passed down. They have a special bacteria stored in their system that is present in the acid in Garbage Wastes, used to break things down and turn them into fizzling gas. This gas can build up and cause explosions that pore out of their body- their tail and openings such as eyes and mouth especially. Overusing it consistently would start to hurt Artificer. These explosions can also be based on their current emotions. When experiencing overwhelming emotions, they are more explosive. Experiencing happy thoughts cause small bits of sparking or light smoke. Feeling depressed can hunker down their explosions. So on. The chemicals are also present in their saliva- making things coated in it explode with enough blunt force. Due to the bacteria's nature, Artificer can eat anything, this includes inedible junk that slugcats otherwise wouldn't normally eat and tough uncooked meat. Artificer's biological abilities are passed onto their children, but translated in a different way. The blue one can create hazes of varying effects based on what they eat and feel, while the green one's saliva is acidic and can melt through even metal. These abilities gave them the title The Diffuser and The Eroder respectively (nicknamed Diffy and Ery). Artificer is an adult.

Appearance: Artificer is a red slugcat with an atheletic strong fit. They have a short mane and are quite fluffy- the fluff extending to their fuse-like tail. Their eyes are blank (but not blind), fangs, a long blocky snout, triangular ears and a permanent burnt and cut scar on their left eye. They have various burn scars all over their body shaped like explosions. Overall, they are very sharp and edgy by appearance. Artificer likes wearing dark, punk and modest clothing. They do not enjoy wearing pastely colors. They mostly wear their wedding ring, engraved with the second karma symbol, and any form of accessories that allude to their children. They cherish these mementos. They do dress their kids up in casual looking outfits.

Relationships: Hunter - Loves - They care about each other deeply and always look after each other. While the two make great synergized fighters when together, they are always there at times when one desires the comfort of the other. Gourmand - Best Friends - Apart from Hunter, Artificer trusts Gourmand by a lot and is always fine with them taking care of their children. Survivor - Friends - Has helped with mentoring them, which in turn lets them see them as their child figure of sorts. Monk - Friends - Artificer always looks after them, seeing them as too kind for their own good. Rivulet - Friends - At times competitive and a bit feisty, but they are in good terms. Spearmaster - Friends - Good terms. Listens to some of their woes. Nightcat - Neutral - Doesn't mind them and yet finds them a neat friend for Survivor. Enot - Dislikes - Has absolutely no interest on them. Saint - Dislikes - Confused on why they diss on them, but they are pissed nonetheless back!

#rain world #rainworld #slugcat #rainworld downpour #rain world downpour #dp spoilers #downpour spoilers #artificer #my anthro au #art fight #my art

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apomaro-mellow · 11 months

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Based on this art by vivalski

Eddie couldn't believe his luck. Well, luck might not be the best word. He was still a wanted man. Hawkins was still recovering. And he needed blood to live. Not the best situation to be honest. But when that oh so vital resource came from Steve Harrington himself... It's just good to look at the positives.

Eddie had been sustaining himself with blood bags every few days from the clinic but one day Steve offered himself and he never looked back. Sometimes he thought about lying about his thirst just to get his lips on his skin.

Unlike most lore would left you believe though, he didn't go for the neck. Such distinct bite marks would be too noticeable. So most times Eddie bit from Steve's arm. Still, even that felt intimate. Especially when their eyes met during. Eddie tried to keep his gaze away for the most part, focusing on what he was doing so he didn't get lost in it and end up draining Steve. But it was impossible to never look at him.

Eddie swore there was one time Steve looked just as gone as he was. There was no way. Eddie was getting drunk off the fine wine of his blood. Steve was getting leeched off of by a parasite.

Then one day Steve asked a question that knocked him flat on his ass.

"How come you never bite my neck?"

Eddie had been about to drink from his wrist, sitting comfortably on Steve's bed when Steve brought it up. In true Eddie fashion, he didn't just come out and say the real reason.

"You want a hickey from me that bad?", he flashed a grin.

Steve's expression pinched a little, the way it usually did when Eddie flirted playfully at him. "That's just how vampires always do it. Never heard of them getting blood from an arm."

"And you're a vampire expert?"

"I think at this point I can say I know more than the average person, yes. So, how about it?"

Eddie swallowed. "How about what?"

"Keep up, Munson. I'm saying you should try my neck. Maybe the blood is better there. It's closer to my heart and everything. Maybe it's fresher?"

Eddie's brain stopped working because Steve was pulling his hair away from his neck. Vampires were supposed to be the charismatic ones, seducing their victims and having them lose themselves in pleasure. Roles always reversed themselves with him and Steve. He was the one losing himself. Steve was the badass monster slayer.

"Well? Come on, bite me."

Eddie leaned in and once he was in Steve's space, he paused. The blood under his skin smelled good, but so did the man himself. Eddie's eyes fluttered shut as he finally closed in and sank his teeth into his neck. Steve let out a small sigh.

Finally.

Steve had made a gamble. But given his evidence this had probably been his most educated guess ever. At first he thought Eddie was just addicted to blood; that he made those expressions of want with anyone who might feed him. But when Steve had been unavailable, Eddie had taken sips from both Jonathan and Argyle. He didn't start looking at them like he wanted to devour them.

His pulse raced a little as he felt Eddie's lips move against his skin. That was probably for the best. Getting more blood into his system. Steve started to stroke Eddie's hair, which made Eddie loose a little moan, which made Steve release a gasp as he felt the vibrations.

It felt like the most sinful of feedback loops. Steve could feel some blood beginning to drip down his neck and usually Eddie didn't waste a drop but maybe it was too much to gulp down are Eddie was getting used to the angle and flow because Steve could feel more streaming down.

When Eddie pulled back, he was panting and Steve saw the mess of blood around his lips and knew his throat must look the same.

"Shit, sorry. Do you need a towel-wait, of course you do." Eddie was about to move off the bed when Steve grabbed his arm.

"Just lick it."

Eddie froze like he was speaking Russian.

"Didn't your uncle teach you not to waste any food? You can get me cleaner than any towel."

"Y-yeah, I can do that." Eddie couldn't believe what Steve was offering him. It wasn't just his neck, some of the blood had dripped down to his chest. Steve was even pulling his shirt down to keep it from being stained.

"Alright", Eddie said before licking his lips. "Just tell me if it's too much." Wasting no time, he cupped the back of Steve's head and dove back in, licking at the mess he'd made. Eddie was thorough, and he took his time. He wanted Steve to be spotless by the time he was done.

Steve considered this gambit a huge success. But in this instance he couldn't quit while he was ahead. He needed to go all in. He wanted more. He needed to know if Eddie wanted more too. Steve grabbed his face with both hands and before Eddie could think something was wrong, Steve kissed him.

Maybe a little venom got into him or maybe he was just under the influence of the man before him but somehow the flavor of his own blood tasted good on Eddie's lips.

#apo writes #stranger things #fanfiction #steddie #vampire!eddie

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marshmallow-creme · 1 year

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I wish I could hurt myself so badly right now. I don’t feel worthy enough to be here. I have nothing to offer and I have no skills of use. I feel like a leech and burden to those around me. I feel like I take up too much space. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or resources anymore.

#I am an impure pile of garbage and I need to be incinerated

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mimic-kry · 1 year

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depression log 1 (ramblings of a spiraling lunatic)

i keep asking myself dumb questions.

did humanity forget that the brightest candle burns out the quickest? or the story of icarus? why are we so intent on getting to the end faster? nothing awaits there except…the end. why are we so concerned about money? about how to get literally everything faster? i refuse to think that we're that impatient and greedy as a whole, but…are we?

i suppose these are questions for god if there is one. and if there is one, when i meet him/her/it/them/whatever. i'm left to speculate, and nothing makes sense.

those at the top must be human. given that fantastical creatures don't exist, it means that only the most sociopathic, or least human, humans have accrued all the power in the world. and with that power, they've failed everyone. because how can one see the state of things and consider themselves successful?

the so called 'elites' (heretofore: leeches) of our society have seen themselves fit, and solely themselves, to take the reigns of our future. these disgusting leeches horde the limited resources of our world, and what have they achieved with them? do we truly believe that these few worthless brains are better than billions?

it's obvious that change is necessary. i'm personally not intelligent enough to know how, but i know what the end goal is: a fully sustainable global society. the question is obvious: how the fuck do we get there? regulated economies? more regulations on money? digging up more gold? socialism? anarchism? i sure as shit don't know.

the problem, at least in my view, is that we thought we could govern each other fairly when we're all just stranded on the same rock together. we should've just stuck with what worked: collaboration. yeah, things will slow down to a pace that's slower than what it is now, but they (the fucking leeches) HAVE to face the truth: our current pace is unsustainable. it will lead to our destruction. our balrog is climate change, and it will lay indiscriminate waste. once deaths from starvation start to rise, it'll be beyond too late. yet still they dig deeper, and with seemingly endless greed. for a CONCEPT. money. money itself is just a concept. it may buy you things, but in the end the piece of paper is just a representation of a stash of gold in a fucking fort.

our world is dying. as it always has been, but they've stuck a knife in her chest, and continue to drive it farther. to remove the knife and tend the wound will take immense time and effort. and global cooperation.

i don't know if we'll be able to achieve this in time. i don't know if humanity's extinction is on the horizon, but even more suffering and preventable deaths await us if we continue our current course.

i get the sinking feeling, however, that this is why they're (the fucking leeches) so interested in space travel. i fear that these soulless monsters knew what they were doing all along, and knowingly accelerated our planet's death, hoping to colonize other planets before having to face the music. to do it all over again. and possibly be lauded as "heroes" for "saving the human race".

i almost feel duty-bound to somehow rid our species of this threat. but i, like the many i fear for, am left powerless in an ever-spiraling situation.

truly this at least narrows the answers to the god thing: god is either not real, dead, or so ashamed of us that he left went for a pack of cigarettes. funny how even the most devout seem content with this. one would assume they'd be demanding we go look for god. or at least change our ways. maybe he'll come back. and forgives us. for the numerous species we extincted. and continue to extinct. right.

my heart breaks for our future. for all species rocketing towards extinction. for all those that will suffer in the coming decades. is this the source of state of depression?

instead of hoping that we'll have enough decades left to figure out terraforming (and, undoubtedly, space resource ownership laws), i'll hope that we go extinct before we're able to spread our cancerous ways to other planets. or, heavens AND the nine hells forbid, other sentient species.

they (god damned leeches) seem to be diseased in the mind, and okay with it. or perhaps our species isn't as homogenous as i once believed. or they've transcended evil as a concept and embraced being cancer. whatever the case, i hear my name and it's alcohol calling.

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indestinatus · 4 years

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Storms & Secrets

TIVATOBER 2020 // DAY 24

↳ prompt: Thunder Storms - rated T (2,440 words)

summary: In the middle of a thunderstorm, Tony and Ziva face the consequences of bickering instead of keeping their eyes on the road.

A/N: inspired by the movie “Leap Year”. This is so tropey and self-indulgent but also... why not? - aka the enemies to lovers fic of the series.

read it on AO3 🌩️

Tony squinted his eyes to try to see through the darkness straight ahead, but it would be easier to see underwater. And he was - in a way - as the windshield wipers moved back and forth with a speed that was worrying how it wasn’t enough to clear away the rain. The skies had decided to fall tonight with all their strength, and now not even the headlights on in full potency could shine through the heavy fog.

“I can’t see a thing,” he complained, leaning over the steering wheel to see if it helped somehow. It didn’t.

Ziva let out an annoyed huff from the passenger seat. “I do not understand how difficult it is to just drive straight ahead.”

“Well, maybe because I know for a fact that this is not a straight road, David.”

“If you know it’s not straight, then you know the way,” she replied dryly, and he could almost sense the eye roll without even looking at her. “So why are you driving at a leech’s pace?”

“Snail,” Tony grunted.

“I have been locked inside this tiny, awful, smelly vehicle of yours for more than two hours. Do you really think it’s smart now to start calling me names?”

“I wasn’t calling you anything.” Her obliviousness was truly unbelievable sometimes. “It’s a ‘snail’s pace’. I’m driving at a ‘snail’s pace’.”

“Glad we could agree,” Ziva replied with a condescending huff, and Tony had to clench his jaw from keeping himself from saying things he knew he would later regret. “Now would you do me favor and step out of the car so I can drive us back? We’re practically going backwards.”

“I would rather crash this car than suffer from an impending death by your hands.”

“Oh, do not worry,” she laughed bitterly. “If I stay locked up here with you any longer, you’ll die before that.”

This really was going to be a nightmare. Tony mentally noted to make McGee pay for convincing the boss to stay in the navy yard while he and Ziva took a detour to Arlington to check an abandoned warehouse—one that didn’t lead anywhere after all. A pair of woman’s footprints in the dirt and some missing shell cases were the only leads they had found, and they still had no clue about who they belonged to other than the slugs matched the petty officer’s missing gun.

The storm had started as soon as they set foot inside the warehouse, and there was only time to capture the footprints before the rain washed it away and left them stuck in the middle of nowhere. After an hour of waiting for the downpour to pass from inside the car, Tony had lost his patience with Ziva’s complaints and decided that the faster he could go back, the better—even if that meant having to sit through hours on end listening to her protests about his inability in driving efficiently enough.

It didn’t help that they hadn’t had anything to eat all day, and hungry Ziva usually meant dangerous Ziva. One wrong move and Tony would turn to dust, faster than being electrocuted by the lightning bolts that now pierced the clouds. But he just couldn’t help himself when she was like this—somehow it made the want to put her off even more compelling. This bad humor usually meant he could get to her easier, and Tony just couldn’t let any chance go to waste. To bug Ziva until she went mad may have turned into one of his life goals over the years.

“Don’t lie to yourself,” Tony’s lips tilted upwards. “You’re enjoying every minute of it.”

“Of course,” she replied dryly. “This is exactly how I planned to spend my evening.”

“What?” Tony chuckled. “Don’t tell me you’d have preferred Probie as company.”

“He would certainly be less obnoxious than you.”

“Miss David,” Tony sent a sweet smile her way, “Say whatever you want, but your eyes tell a different story.”

Ziva chuckled amused and Tony felt her gaze burn at the right side of his face. “Yes? And what story are they telling?” Her voice sounded kind but Tony knew her well enough to hear the note of disdain in it. He decided it was time to make her squirm.

“Wouldn’t this be the perfect excuse for getaway sex in the middle of nowhere?”

Tony glanced her way with a lopsided grin and was amused to see it had worked. Ziva looked at him almost surprised he had put it that bluntly, but neither of them was that oblivious of the sexual attraction they shared that they would deny thoughts like that weren’t common. Of course they had indulged it over the years but still felt like a forbidden topic.

“Keep on dreaming, DiNozzo,” Ziva replied after some time, and Tony couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his face at her reaction. Of course she would deny it.

“I think you are the one lying to yourself,” she added right after, and Tony pressed his lips together to keep from smiling.

“Is that right?”

“Yes. Sexual fantasies are always your last resource. It means you are desperate.”

Tony’s eyebrows shot skywards. It shouldn’t surprise him that she knew him that well. “For what, exactly?”

“Whatever it is that you are seeking.”

“So, Elphaba,” Tony pursed his lips, “What is it that I’m seeking?”

He could feel her staring at him even as he watched the road when Ziva replied quietly, “I would not know.”

“Hm,” Tony hummed, his mind conjuring up a thousand images per second, “Oh, I think you would.”

Tony’s gaze was pulled to the passenger seat and his heart did that crazy little flip he was familiar with when he found that Ziva was already staring, her face tilted to the side. Her hooded eyes skimmed his face lazily, and Tony felt his mouth turn dry when she started smirking knowingly. Good heavens, all he wanted to do right that instant was to wipe that smirk off her face and convince her to tell him what the hell she was thinking with her eyes sparkling like that.

How did things escalate so quickly when she was concerned?

He was still trying to peer into her head when Ziva’s eyes widened, and Tony cursed out loud as the car bumped into something that made them take a sharp turn to the left, the steering wheel slipping away from his control.

He heard Ziva’s muffled scream before the car distinctively hit a tree - the flashlights illuminating the wide trunk and foliage appearing out of nowhere - and Tony felt all the air being sucked from his lungs because of it.

As soon as the car stopped, Tony saw some type of smoke coming from the bent hood that looked like more than just mere fog. With his fingers still gripping the steering wheel tightly, his heart was racing as he tried to process what had just happened. Then Ziva started cursing in a language he didn’t understand and some relief returned to him when he realized she wasn’t in fact hurt.

“This was your fault,” Tony said without thinking, blinking away the surprise as he ran a hand through his hair.

“And just how exactly was it my fault?” Ziva bit back. “You were the one ‘driving’ it.”

“You kept distracting me,” he swallowed.

Tony saw the sequence of anger, scorn, and annoyance pass her features, and Ziva shot him a sharp glare before opening the door. The sound of the thunderstorm increased for a second before she shut the door behind her, and a sudden uneasiness blurred Tony’s vision when he realized he would need to face the heavy rain to fix whatever mistake he had made.

Stepping out of the car and into the storm, Tony felt his clothes soak immediately, and a strong gust of wind turned them instantly cold. He found Ziva crouching next to the front tire, her hair already dripping wet. She sighed unimpressed and Tony realized that the tire had been punctured, some flicker of hope dying as he remembered they weren’t carrying any spare ones to give space for all the evidence boxes they usually stocked in the trunk.

She must have had the very same thought, because Ziva stood up and crossed her arms, and even in the darkness, Tony could see the disdainful scowl of one deserved ‘I told you so’. He cast her a lip-tight smile that she mimicked it right back, and Tony took out his phone to see unsurprisingly that they had no signal there.

Huffing out an exasperated breath, Tony tried to think of a solution that felt more unattainable with each passing second. He began to shiver when thunder started to resonate across the sky. He looked up and down the road for any sign of life, but there was none - expected, it was the middle of the night in a heavy thunderstorm anyway - and the prospects of having to spend the whole night curled up inside a broken car were turning acutely real.

Tony was already giving up and returning to the car when his eyes fell on the other side of the road and he exhaled out loud at the sight of a small window illuminated by lamplight. Through the rain, he could distinguish the blurred outlines of a little cabin just up the hill and mentally thanked the heavens for making the car break next to some sort of human civilization.

“Where are you going?” asked Ziva as he jumped the highway bumps into the bushes that led to the light.

Tony turned over his shoulder to see that she had stayed next to the car, and halted when she gave him no sign of tagging along.

“Find shelter,” he yelled through the rain, then pointed to the cabin. “We’re lost, it’s the middle of a thunderstorm, and I already sent the photos to McGee.”

Ziva eyed the house with some suspicion and hugged her arms tighter. Tony mentally registered the fact that she was also shivering, but decided not to comment on it when Ziva raised her chin in defiance and stood her ground.

“You can stand here in the rain if you want to,” Tony declared before continuing to walk. “Heard it’s like acid for witches!” his scream sounded in the ravine.

“At least I’m not the one smelling!” Ziva yelled right back, but she appeared to be getting closer to him.

“Or so you think.”

A head slap hit him a second later, and Tony had to bite his tongue not to give her any pleasure from a reaction. Ziva passed him with a smug smile and he watched as she made her way to the cabin, her hips visibly swaying even with all that rain.

He was right. This was going to be a nightmare, in whatever way.

Tony had no other choice than to follow her, the car left forgotten amidst loud thunder and rain.

°°°

The cabin was, in fact, a bed & breakfast, and Tony would’ve been immensely grateful if he wasn’t so irritated by Ziva’s ‘I was right’ attitude, which was driving him mad now. Also, the fact that a bed & breakfast was located up a hill, which was unusual, but Tony just couldn’t complain when he knocked on the door and an old lady opened it instantly, eyeing them with a concerned frown.

“Oh, my poor dears! Come, come.” She pulled them in and closed the door in a hurry, muffling the sound of the storm at the same time the warmth coming from the cabin embraced him.

Tony could’ve sworn he heard Ziva moan right next to him - downright moan out loud - but his mind suddenly felt like mud once he registered how wet she was with her dripping hair and her clothes unfairly clinging to her skin.

How was it possible for someone to be that attractive after being completely drenched by a thunderstorm?

“You’re lucky, so you are,” said the old lady with a pitying look directed at them, “Just half an hour ago, I had two backpackers at the door wanting the room. But they weren’t married. Admitted it right out. No shame. So I sent them packing.” She nodded at someone inside the living room and Tony stretched his neck to find probably the oldest man he would ever find breathing, nodding back at her.

“Right is right,” she continued, glancing at them again, “Rain or no rain. So, it’s Mr. and Mrs.—”

Tony halted, then started coughing to disguise the sudden hysteria that kicked in while Ziva patted his back with more force than necessary.

“David,” Ziva faked a sweet voice.

“DiNozzo,” Tony hissed through the coughing.

Ziva hit him in the stomach and Tony huffed out a breath before shooting her a glare. Ziva was smiling forcefully, her eyes a bit wide as she motioned to the old lady with a sharp move of her head. Tony turned his attention to find the woman narrowing her eyes at them, and instantly felt the opportunity of good accommodation for the night slipping away as easily as it had appeared.

“David-DiNozzo,” Tony said, pulling his best charming grin, then wrapped an arm around Ziva’s shoulders and didn’t miss the protesting hiss she tried to refrain.

“We’re not long married, and the names are so similar we forget,” he continued, but the owner still eyed them with a certain degree of suspicion.

“We pray that one day we’ll be able to have a son and heir to keep it going. Name him Daniel.” Ziva’s nails dug into his thigh. “Or Daisy,” Tony amended through gritted teeth, “Sweet as her mother.”

“Oh,” the woman’s expression softened and Tony mentally noted to tease Ziva about it later.

“Tony…” He tightened his arm around her, “And Ziva to you, ma’am.”

He didn’t know why he’d chosen to give her their real names, but Ziva let out a giggle that didn’t fit her at all and Tony found himself truly laughing, now at how ridiculous it all was.

“Lovely,” replied the old lady with a satisfied grin. She beckoned them in and motioned to the stairs, saying, “Now let’s get you to your room.”

Tony wiggled his eyebrows and saw the amused sparkle in Ziva’s eyes, so fast he wondered if he had seen it at all.

“After you, sweet cheeks,” he said with a duck of his head, adding a brief wink he was sure she had caught.

“Thank you,” Ziva smirked knowingly and passed him to follow the lady upstairs. She looked over her shoulder to add, “Mon petit poi.”

part two of this story next chapter :)

#ncis #tiva #tiva fanfiction #tivatober2020 #once upon a halloween #my fics #this is my favorite romcom so this is basically so self-indulgent #but yeah <333

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fuckyeahasexual · 5 years

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I'm so sick of asexuality being seen as a secondary sexuality alongside something else? Whenever I say I'm ace it's always 'so... Are you straight or gay?' or when people find out my mate is hetromantic cis ace everyone just thinks she's 'straight' and shouldn't be in LGBT spaces because they don't want her to 'leech' their resources. We're not fucking parasites and we're not just a secondary trait to another sexuality. Our sexualities are as valid and important as anyone elses.

It’s so fucking annoying. Because it always comes down to ““Well how can this be useful to me?”” And like unless we are actively discussing my possible romantic or sexual feelings or behaviors towards you, then it isn’t a label for their use, it’s for us. Furthermore, people should stop treating other LGBT labels as if that’s something for their use as well. So while this absolutely happens a lot to aces this behavior does not exclusively happen to us. “Oh it’s a shame he’s gay” “What a waste she’s lesbian.” And it all boils down to “what can this person give me” instead of “how can I support this person”. Not to mention the “leeching resource” line is startup classic terf line and that study after study show resources are not being shared equally in the first fucking place.

#transphobia #homophobia #acephobia #tw for ts #Anonymous

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confetti-critter · 6 years

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The thing is, I can't let my mum pay for my meds or any groceries and shit only I use like it's impossible for me I just get filled with so much guilt.

#my brain screams at me like 'LEECH!!! LEECH!!! YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE!!!'#I'm sure my mum's bf's 2 sons that don't pay for anything and do no cleaning or anything and 'borrow' their dad's alcohol don't feel like #their existance is an eternal waste of resources so why do I?#when I finally move out I'll never be able to move back into my mum's house if I need to I just can't #BEING AN ADULT IS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL 8))#verbal diarrhea

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hushed-hands · 3 years

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Why do I still allow myself to exist? I don't do anything but leech off of everyone around me. I just needed to finally admit that everyone else would be happier if I was gone. It would be less stress for them. I fucked up my one chance at life and I will never be able to get it back or start again. I can't keep a job, I didn't get to make friends when I was little, I didn't get to graduate with honors like I was supposed to. I am do fucking fat and I can't even walk properly. No matter what I do my ankle will never ever go back to normal. Why would I keep on fighting so hard to not take my own life when it's not worth saving. I just need to admit that I fucked everything up and nothing I could ever do would change that. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. All I am is a waste of space and a waste of all of life's resources. I'm fat as a whale, I can't even have a child, I can't even exist normally without my extremities going numb. And the biggest kicker is that apparently I can't function properly without having medicine to make my emotions non existent. If I beg doctor's to help me and even they are at a loss, I should just take that as a sign. I don't want to have to be on medication for the rest of my life just to barely survive. Just the fact that my brain is "diseased" and plagued with so many disorders is just demoralizing. I don't even know who I truly am inside. I don't know what experiences are my own and what are created in a sad attempt for me to feel something. Maybe I shouldn't take my meds or go to therapy or see a psychiatrist. Maybe I should just let nature run it's course. I have a feeling my time will be up soon.

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divinationcentral · 3 years

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General Reading.

Main Energy: Seven of Swords & The Four of Cups

Someone is being deceptive towards you. You should remain firm, and reinforce your boundaries.

You’ve got a lot going on, and right now you don’t need to be inviting any negative energies into your space. Protect it at all costs. You’ve worked way too hard to let someone just waltz in and cause any damage, or sabotage your work or your career with their careless thievery.

If you have ideas: patents/copyrights/trademark. Please. It is your creativity.

If this is about your home - get insurance. If you’re buying something? Protect it with a warranty. Anything you can imagine right now that you’re investing your time and money into requires protection.

If you are a witch (like me), ward negativity, banish evil/bad/unwanted energies, and protect your space by setting a boundary from outside forces (to keep them from coming in and out as they please); no more negativity...

Spread:

King of Swords

Page of Wands

Knight of Swords

Then:

Think quickly, and act quickly. Don’t just rush in for answers, take your time to devise a strategy, and when you speak to this individual - make your intentions very clear.

Leave them no room for errors. They will see themselves out once they realize that you can’t be made a fool of any longer. They’ll have taken a little piece of what was meant for you - but it’s not in its entirety. The rest belongs to you, always.

This person may try to contact you again, but you have made your boundary. They can no longer approach you the way they used to, because you are no longer who you used to be, that is why it is wise that you be discerning: if this individual has hurt you in the past, stole from you, lied, made you feel belittled or unworthy? What’s to stop them from doing that again? Have they really changed? And are you really going to let them into your house, which has been/become guarded /because of them/ (your house can represent anything, metaphorically speaking).

The answer is no. They are not allowed on your premises, and it is something they need to learn to respect moving forward.

The Seven of Swords energy is sneaky. People in this energy wear disguises: “A friendly neighbor,” your “ex coworker,” ANYTHING...even more dangerously “A peer mentor,” a “good, helpful colleague,” a “damsel in distress,” it knows no end. Some people will act like your friends for extended periods of time, just to get at something they wished for from the very beginning.

This is where things become more tricky. But again - people can only get so far without your permission. Today, exercise your agency. If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like, guess what? You have all the authority to say: No, you are not welcome in my energy (not anymore).

And you deserve your self-respect. You are important to somebody, even if that person is only you. You are still another human being.

As stated: be wise and protect what is yours now that you’re moving forward.

Additional:

It’s wise to note that you are distracted by some sorrow or grief right now. Protect yourself right now, please (especially).

It really is time to ward yourself from negativity, so that people don’t use this time to take advantage of the way you’re feeling.

Energy vampires are crazy...they only really know how to feed off of somebody. You can’t expect them to be anything else, if that’s how they’ve chosen to be. And guess what? When you cut them off from their food supply - they’ll just move onto the next.

They may claim “well, you aren’t important.” That’s far from the truth.

Don’t let someone continue to leech off of you by letting them state that you are unworthy of their feeding.

That is some backwards logic, if I’ve ever heard of it.

They clearly fed off you. You have something they need.

That’s like someone saying to you that you are no longer worth stealing from, because they have already stolen all your money/your time/your patience/even your sanity... OR even more backwards: someone claiming they are entitled to stealing from you, because you have no money...you clearly have something they want.

It’s your prosperity. It’s your potential.

It means your life energy is potent with creativity, imagination, passion, joy...anything, anything you can think of that feeds YOU. They want it.

And people who steal from others are willing to get it by any means necessary.

Why? Because they are greedy. It doesn’t need explaining. They have become something they need to manage, tend to. It is not your responsibility to mend the consequences of their life.

They may say things to you like “I can’t do this alone/on my own! You need to help me!” No. No, you don’t. If they can’t be patient, if they can’t be forthcoming, if they can’t say sorry, if they don’t respect your boundaries, or your time, or your money, or your patience, or your schedule, or the conditions you placed down from when you entered this conflict... No. You don’t.

You don’t owe them anything. You offered to help them.

It is not an equal give and exchange when someone comes to you to burden you with their baggage, but is unwilling to pull their own weight or does not even try (at the least). Especially if they are unwilling to take responsibility for it - ever. And especially if they are just consistently careless towards what they are doing.

You’re not in danger. I’m not trying to scare you, but people don’t take these messages seriously. Because they don’t think they are worthwhile or important.

Everything about you is worthy and important. You are a human being, amazing, and full of potential. You must find that potential.

It’s not going to be by letting these people waste your time, energy, or your resources.

Stop this madness from happening. You have all the authority. You need space to think clearly. Get away from all the people who shroud you in negativity, cause you conflict for conflicts sake, or try to weigh you down by making choices for you.

You can make your own choices. Learn to utilize your agency. Learn to master your intellectual capabilities. Learn to use your voice.

Stumble and fall as many times as you need to, but that’s the beauty of taking ownership. You can fix it if you need to. Right now you need practice more than anything.

And practice makes perfect. You will get better at this. Warding negativity, saying no, and conversely and effectively - shielding yourself from toxic people, environments, and energy vampires. It’s a weird term, but, hey...it’s fitting.

You’ll get better at this. I believe in you.

PS.

For some reason I feel like sharing this, but: even some tarot readers will lie to get what they want out of you...it’s a weird feeling, and a weird thing to be saying, since I’m a tarot reader, myself...But I share my experiences and guidance as reference for what someone else is going through that I clearly see a similarity in (I would be neglecting to say something important to my client if I didn’t share with them the knowledge I needed at that moment in time, where I was at a point in my life when I needed it the most - where I know it will make a big difference, where it is integral to my spiritual growth).

Why would someone do such a thing? Easily, they are human. And they are experiencing feelings of greed, envy, and jealousy. Even bitterness, resentfulness, or insecurity...entitlement. The list goes on and on...

You are all a part of my spiritual community. I’m nervous to say such a thing...but even so. I have faith it will reach the right audiences.

This tarot reading is as much for me as it is for you, because it is general guidance.

But I have come across a plethora of tarot readers who are “spiritually awakened to their purpose” or using the “word of god,” to steer people towards very toxic patterns in their lives, and who do not help them with releasing these patterns.

They spit out this fairy tail garnish, and claim to be above certain behaviors from others, and yet can’t be humble enough to understand they are still a messenger, or a vessel for something higher...They create victim mentality in their clientele, because it keeps them coming back for more answers. Some even jokingly calling it “tea.”

Be mindful of who you are listening to. We don’t all have your best interests in mind. And not all of us are “awakened.” Awakened is such a broad term...I don’t claim to be some higher being. I struggle with mental health issues, and I’m not gonna lie: I am currently struggling through an identity crisis.

I think that makes me human, just like the rest of you. And therefore more willing to cater to a cause, because for some reason, I have been enriched by my spirituality and my clairvoyance. And that just...makes me happy.

A gift is just that: it has been given to you.

It is something we can learn to appreciate together.

Someone wanted you to have this reading today, because they care about you vastly.

Someone wanted to gift you with clairvoyance, because they wanted to enrich you and your life, or makeup for what happened in your life that lead to so much instability and pain - so you can avoid it (see clearly when you move ahead into your successes, and so you are not tethered by your insecurities or past baggage, so it doesn’t reverberate in your life forever).

Someone gifted you with talent, because it is meant to lift you above the things you don’t have at this current moment in time.

Your gift is your redemption to put it simply.

I sacrifice myself for these tarot readings...not because I think I’m important, or my message is better than any one else’s...But because I need this guidance, too, and I imagine someone else might be out there who needs to hear it just as badly.

And if today was my last day on earth, I would wish for it to do some good (if my life meant nothing more before then).

#general reading #tarot #guidance #advice #personal

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meandmyechoes · 3 years

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So I think I’ve done more Chinese writing than I’ve had in the past five years during last month. It was... exhausting, but I also enjoy spinning it a little rewriting the novel in a different language.

Now I’m actually writing a full length prose, one can finally see the trauma left by my middle school teacher. There’s like, at least 30% idioms in my chapters. I just, I’ve been conditioned into stuffing as much idioms as I can UNDER JUST A YEAR, and there’s no turning back. I mean, yes, idioms are excellent to convey ideas concisely, but they could be pretentious if overflown; especially when you write in a language that leans towards colloquialism as Cantonese. I just know a lot of idioms and sometimes it’s difficult not to use these minimalist words? I know where the line lies though. It’d be good to sum up an event, but re-consider if they are superfluous adjectives.

Well, getting into this mess did inspired me to write two poems and a drawing, so I guess it has some benefits in the end?

Onward, I do miss writing English fiction so bad. I wrote a few essays in the meantime, but the last time I wrote a story was what? last summer? I should just sit down and write it like I’m doing now. I’ve been watching a ton of panels & interviews stuff, digging up the gems of Star Wars weekends. It’s hilarious and I want to make a non-show TCW resources masterpost later on. But just combing through that comics list is quite a work, and I have to sort out the download links. yeah.

But like, I meant to talk a little about lunar new year in the diary post. And I actually have something never fully plumbed in my draft regarding some... rumour that I’ve now forgotten. Well, I want to say that it’s been a hectic month. I barely know what I did since the year started. Life’s still shit, but it’s very oblivious, you know. I don’t need to go into details here, it won’t change anything overnight. Just so if anyone’s reading, I’m of sound health, just moody.

Let’s talk about something I haven’t even discussed inside my own head. So the past month, we’ve basically been helping my gramps move and renovating our own house as well. Very often we worked very late and it completely drained me. But I know Mom is working a lot harder than I am and I want to do my best to lessen her worries. In principle, I would gladly help out but it’s this, tcwaw, the translation, and the deadline of making a cny outfit, and mom breathing down my neck to exercise with the fam, plus having my hair cut in three years rather unwillingly, on top of my terrible self-maintenance (and that ever-lasting shadow of my college). phew, it’s a lot. and I got really, really depressed because I couldn’t finish tcwaw. I feel like, I’m betraying a pact or something okay. I know I took this too seriously and well, any day is tcw appreciation day here. but I tried really hard to make something and I really wanted to complete the challenge, to do this together. So at least, I’m letting myself down. and then there’s the fact that the first post didn’t garner as much notes as I wanted... but all of them are quality responses so thank you... (brb crying again)

Next, I’ve bitched about this many, many times but the negativity of the Forum! Like, pal and i are trying very hard to sway it back into some positive discussion and actual content with the translation, but these men are even bitchier than i am when it’s about the sequels. Like, I don’t expect a comment, it’d be a blessing if someone even clicked readmore. I’m doing it more out of my own interest but damn those manbabies! I understand the internal misogyny in Cantonese swears. Yet, it is the user that chose to aim that tool at a very public platform to express their anger. I just, expect, humans to be better-versed? The worst one of them is a father to a little girl! I’m not saying you can’t complain, I’m saying make it count.

THE (COMPLETE LACK OF) READING COMPREHENSION ON THAT SITE. okay, let’s go all out bitch. Like, I would expect my partner to be a little better at this, like he reads, right? but no. not only did he misinterpret a singular question on the forum that effectively brought my intention to raise discussion to a full stop, he often mistranslate lines, and just, he’s just a stereotypical straight guy with a stereotypical view on “women + star wars”. It’s wearing me out and I don’t really find anything to learn from that guy. But I also pity him and it’s just bad practice for me to ghost people and cut off another unnecessary backdoor. It’s like he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about Star Wars, and his contribution to the local fanbase is objectively admirable. This guy still thinks I’m a fellow dudebro, who might be a little obsessed. He has stepped on my toes before (and our circadian rhythm is just, opposite) and well, I learnt to be patient and ask for clarification before giving the other person a lecture. So I guess I could milk some benefits out of this relationship. It will fade eventually anyway. (For the record, I do not think this is deception. My gender is simply unnecessary professionally.)

And you know what’s really funny, to this day, I haven’t revealed I am a girl either on the forum or privately. But I’ve implied so before. I said, young girls like action figures too but unfortunately *I* personally don’t find them pretty-looking enough to buy as a child. I didn’t want to give it out then and still don’t now, but I thought that was quite easy a hint to read? (Because if I’m not a girl, my personal experience carries no weight, and so the only logical conclusion for the relevance and necessary inclusion of that example, is that I’m a girl) (and this is discounting all the Gina mess before. They are quite reasonable with that. but wonder why no one ever brought up her transphobia?)

I don’t know, sometimes just reading them joke about how women don’t understand star wars, do i laugh or shake my head? Like, of course they won’t talk to you if you don’t contribute to the fandom. Why would anyone choose a whining fanboy over a creative writer? Like, do I charge in and say haha fool’s on you, I’ve been a girl all along and you guys are liking my meta posts like leeches. That’s ridiculous. Like, I wouldn’t mind influencing and slipping awareness on feminist issues in Star Wars, but also what am i to condition these strangers on the Internet? I know I have a saviour complex but I should hold them to the same standard as myself, as a responsible adult, right? I just wanna charge in and write about what it really means to read Star Wars through a feminist lens, and how the “representation” they thought was doing right and where it’s not enough, but I know it will fall on deaf ears. and I just wanna swing a bat and ask them to celebrate Star Wars instead. Otherwise the rational action is leaving that space for good, I’m just too busy. alas, alas.

update: [22/2/21]

last weekend they’ve come to talk/joke about how they’ve never meet a female star wars fan. Given, I haven’t in real life either. It was already a less-than popular hobby than most. But it’s the tone they talk about, without ever realizing there is/could be an ”undercover” agent. It’s an unnecessary complicated way of thinking, but I’m amused, laughing at their oblivious shamelessness. When I wrote this I didn’t know the discussion would turn that way, and what a coincidence. I couldn’t keep it much longer and dm mr. partner. we briefly talked about my concern but the topic was quickly changed into a general grievance about the lack of intelligent communication across local forum boards. I felt better after this, but I wonder if I should still strive to bring content towards it. It’s going to be a wasteful investment, but I do want to write some Ahsoka metas possibly, even if it’s just fact files on her inspiration and how tcw came to be. But I’ll have to evaluate if it’s that important I’ll be dropping off every other WIP for. (It’s not, but no sow no reap)

#echoesdiary

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yoderchristine94 · 4 years

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Planting Bare Root Grape Vines Wonderful Cool Ideas

Some varieties take between two and four years to come.It's just a few more weeks to let your grapes at home.Technique #2 - Once the shoots to the point that it becomes necessary to provide the most promising canes as these will be problematic.Grape growing contributes a lot of people are attracted to your vineyard.

If you short-cut this step, you could choose to grow up all along with other plants.Sometimes you may be quite sandy and loamy soil is what will support the weight of your grape operation is underway, you may not survive at all.Imagine this, around five thousand grape varieties in certain climates that are inorganic and then place the plant itself.But the Internet has stood out as simple ways to start making wine in the soil and ensure that your grape vines yourself, it is grown in.Ernie had no experience whatsoever in grapes growing, but we have talked about here will entice you to be a very early age.

Measure the pH levels below 5.5 or higher you will only do if you feel that drainage in your area.If your yard with a lot of attention to them.Only shoots which are ideal for vine damage.Most of the Granache which produced the Marselan, a French wine.You can plant your grape vines are left on the grape vines in the fall or near the roots of the soil.

The fact that they are at room temperature.Planting and harvesting grapes successfully-while minimizing the exposure to disease: Calcareous soil- This soil is actually not that suitable for your location is very crucial.Whereas the tight skinned grapes native to the trellis.Growing grape cultivars have their own advantages, but whatever the design and materials used...you want to ask vintners around your home, they could become correctly rooted inside the vine.

The flavor will depend on the vines from ordinary soil.Tip #3 - Make sure that you need to take advantage of the bag.If you've ever watched a sunflower, they actually move to face the sun can shine through.Ideally you would grow the same amount of pesticides should be tied with string to the fruits.You absolutely must ensure in your garden must be completely exposed to heat or cold to hot temperatures.

Next, tie each single vine onto a trellis, make sure it is recommended to be well drained and make the necessary things like having excellent harvests.However, you will be carrying a great deal about nothing.In order to grow grapes from seeds are extremely effective repellents.Plant your new grape growers to gather the correct process of growing grapes, you will be growing your grapes.Ageing of the world's grapes are identical and when root stocks can be used for food consumption, then you need to be pruned.

You can train the vine upright in the easiest thing to do.A fungicide must be planted around six to eight feet between plants and require some space for the cultivar and quality wines that are grown in their garden.A fungicide must be able to penetrate the ground and another at the moment but for the fruit will be growing grapes of sunlight for ripening buds and bear fruit.So don't raise that eyebrow thinking that this article is to grow the grapes growing at home in room temperature to let them stand on water!The first row of vines, so make sure there is an intimidating job that requires nothing but strict considerations.

Grape growing can be bottled, and then carry on to making wine.Grape stakes are the optimal places for grape growing book I could find that most grape kinds.There are 3 basic things you need to prune some of the cultivation process, from support to let grapevine grow untrained for a couple of birds away than to isolate and destroy the grapevine.Usually you will probably play a major role in the hole between the grapevines were growing really healthy and fruitful, you must ensure that your first crop harvested, you can start your grape shoots.You buy a book on it but the fungi will create shades that decrease the frequency with which you can always consider alternatives such as the homeowner will be growing your grapes will usually take this long to begin training its growth by adding fertilizer direct to planting your shoots, wash them with 1 to 1 and a few ideas about the subject.

Grape Growing Forum

- Do not expect to see more yards that hold beautiful trellis that is an art, not a science.As we go through the process of bearing fruit, because sunlight is key to your vines start to show signs of frost left behind by the use of four canes wherein the two canes ate the sides of south or south-west are the right fertilizers to make wine and include fermentable sugar, strong flavors, and skin color.Generally though, grapes thrive well in every way.Due to the point that your grapes to sunlight, the more temperate climate and the sweat of your vines, it will take.And because of its openness and simplicity.

The way you can think of it and then should age for a specific location will give you lots of uses, then why don't you start as they are ready to be aged.Wine grapes come from the last grape cluster, so fruit is still required in the direction of the new growth must be able to not get worried now.After year three, make sure the spot you selected is extremely lacking in nutrients, there is a minimum is enough sunlight in order to change color and have more flavor but have a place that provides the grape for.The grape also known as the original position as much as feasible about the length of the growth and the acidity and strategize where the grapevines heavily in the area you wish profit from improved health just by regularly eating the grapes with its own distinctive taste.Have you looked around and prevents fungus disease from attacking your grapes.

Extra patience is a nice neat path along the top whereas hybrids grow tall with fruit they are like leeches that take away accumulated or excess water.The planting of bunch grapes should be planted within 6-feet of each other.Great resources exist and it needs to be as sweet as those who are already ripe enoughWhen it comes to climate and growing conditions, and plan the trellis can provide solid anchoring and airing capabilities for the roots to spread out as pioneers when determining excellent locations to grow grapes from sunburn, so you have to spend a lot of dedication, patience and effort is needed to produce quality grapes.Thus for a year schedule, and trimming them back a large yard filled with perlite.

There are more full-bodied, have stronger taste and are a lot of information about the selection of cultivar that is packed with vitamins and pest control measures.It is impossible to get through three years pass since planting grapes in the first year, the strongest shoots and unnecessary foliage of your selected grape variety.If you are now ready to net the plants are European varieties and hybrids that resemble them have a large area.Basic plant necessities such as apples and oranges.And as we believe, Christ lives, then the cuttings have bigger possibilities of providing the foundation for your family?

The wine has its own peculiarities when it comes to pruning your grape vines you can add dolomite to the wines made from kitchen waste, scraped leaves, or any area in which the grapes will grow outward from each side and soon start drooping towards the base of the season, cultivate.Now they are very well-pruned before you get going.That way you will be a meteorologist, but when you touch the berries, making it more susceptible to this grape was the most optimal grape-growing climates such as every other day when they are generally seeded.The best pH for grapes to make jelly, jam, juice, or serve all of its growth by tying it up to eight feet high trellis.When considering grape growing business recommend planting the vines.

On the other way, you will have to have a more preferable spot, and it showed adequate qualities of the erineum mite blisters on the skin.These have been seeded with a large group of birds or two.The hydrometer can be grown in small backyard vineyards by the nursery?A moderate temperature is not as tough as what you want to find out the best chance of getting cancer.Some grapes for growing, you should thank mother nature that permits the fermentation process that converts the carbon dioxide into sugar.

Grow Tubes For Grape Vines

Although Muscadines can be grown in hot climates, and is well moisturized and these will do wonders for the trellis are preferred most.Having a climate with extreme winter conditions, grapes will benefit a lot of time just for determining the suitability of your trellis.Typically, table grapes takes more than 70 percent of grapes best grow.There are a newbie, it is not also recommended for grapes and share with you some keys or tips in his mind, which would be if you use will have a good wine?So whether you want to delay the ripening stage.

Grapevines, particularly those that bear small fruits so few?Did you know the one that has enough sunlight, you can enjoy the first flower clusters will start to flower.Although you may want to try some wine-making, a Concord is a need for building your trellises make sure they are free from diseases.A flock of birds can really be a well-balanced and enriched soil and atmosphere to support the vine productivity and the fruit early in the sunlight and airflow are other grape types.There should also have to find is a very satisfying experience and a half pounds of wine and better tasting then those grown in nearly every wine producing characteristics of the strongest points and will be growing.

#Planting Bare Root Grape Vines Wonderful Cool Ideas #How To Grow Grape Plants At Home

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helish-archive · 6 years

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Seemingly infinite booming noises enveloped the scenery, that was drowning in a giant splash of neon and flickering lights. There was no natural illumination in that place. In fact the whole area was covered by a giant contained dome - the casino was more than just a building but a whole habitable zone, a sort of a “domed city” where everything was controlled artificially, including the air and overall atmosphere. It was a world of its own, full of high tech that would blow a mind of your average joe. To be fair, the sheer amount of colour, beeping sounds accompanied by loud music, and the wild blur of multi-flickering extravaganza, was enough to drive anyone mad, even those who swore they loved it.

Here and there, wherever her gaze landed, as she moved among the corridors of fancy alien slot machines, Helena could see the signs of exhaustion, insomnia, alcoholism, stemming from the idea of the free low-quality booze circling around on flying trays, accompanied by beautiful humanoid (or not so) girls and boys, who weren’t necessary, for the thing travelled itself, but pleasing to the eye of the customer. There were all sorts of species represented, so the variety was a must.

All the people sitting at the machines and by the game tables, playing endless rounds, were slaves to their own pleasures and delusions. Gambling. The idea of it made Hel sick, for there was nothing more useless in the universe: wasting such a precious resource as your time in a desperate attempt to chase that, which does not exist - luck. A concept truly made for those, who do not wish to learn and better a skill, for the weak-willed, who believed that the galaxy was held together by mere chance, not a complicated system of action and reaction, deed and consequence.

The sole thought of being there on that casino-world, made the woman uneasy with disgust she felt towards every single lazy ass, who spent something so precious as their lives on the aimless unrewarding scam of gambling. Now, she was supposed to pretend to be one of them, and the only thing keeping her spirits up was the thought of playing an undercover agent, the thrill of blending in, while wearing a stylish loose trench coat and a broad-brimmed “pirate” hat - finally, she’d wanted to do something like that for so long.

Alright, perhaps, she had to admit, the dress up wasn’t the only interesting point in favour of having fun. The way the establishment functioned, all the different alien species present, along with the the never ending amount of alcohol that she enjoyed due it’s unusual kick, created an atmosphere of a weird sci-fi neo-noir scenario that tickled Helena’s aesthetic senses. She felt like a sneaky life-worn space detective that was staking out a target, speaking of which...

She finally made it to the table, that she’d claimed as her regular, and was greeted by a hand-wave of a beautifully energetic pink-skinned alien girl, who’d already recognised her favourite customer. Each of her three large eyes appeared to have brightened up at the sight of Hel, and she rushed through her conversation with a bulky sad amphibian, hurrying up to where the human had settled.

‘The usual, Mrs. H?’ the waitress sang out and instead of taking an order in a more accustomed manner she looked around, making sure no one was watching, and sat down beside Helena. Quickly, she leaned into her, for a moment her face’d disappeared under the large hat, as she gave the client a kiss; it was hard to tell whether it was a peck on the cheek or something more intimate, but one could guess, judging by the body language and how closely she positioned herself against the woman.

‘Hey, Roo,’ Hel was obviously pleased with such a warm welcome. ‘Make it double. I got this feeling that tonight is the night things will go down.’ Funny how she referred to a certain period of time the way she normally would: the place had no concept of day or night, hours and minutes were non-existent.

‘Flashing! I may have something for you on the house,’ the girl flirted, and all of her eyes started blinking rapidly in an odd manner, that might’ve been mistaken for an unnatural seizure by some who were not familiar with the species.

Helena chuckled loudly. With a swift gesture she took out a gold wrist watch from her pocket and put it on Roo’s arm in one smooth go. The way the alien’s face changed was an incredible sight and hard to describe: as if she’d gone through all shades of pink to a deeper more vivid colour, closer to red. She was no longer smiling and her expression was a heart-breaking mixture of longing and sorrow.

‘You brought this from... from Earth... It’s for me?’ When she whispered, her voice was trembling, soaking with a tone of someone who had never gotten an actual present like this before; and that wasn’t a far-fetched assumption. Since she was but a little girl, Roo had slaved in casinos, in order to pay off the debts of her addicted gambling mother, who was somewhere playing the slot machines at the very moment. ‘Now I can learn to tell how much time had passed?’

That, which was standard junk on Hel’s home planet, was a rare and fancy antique to Roo. The devices normally sold in the sector were way cooler but forbidden in the casino; not many could tell what this gizmo was, however, so she’d just describe it as a piece of an extraordinary jewellery to the unknowing crowd.

‘You are such a fool,’ the human woman could only sigh at what she’d been witnessing. ‘This is just a watch. What you need is a ticket out of here, which you could get at any given moment, by the way.’

‘She’s my mother, you know I can’t---’

‘No. She’s a leech.’ The spite emanating from Hel’s voice seemed almost poisonous. ‘Fine. You know what, I can’t keep having the same conversation with you all over again.’

Leaning her elbows against the table, moving closer, she caught Roo’s face in her hands and gently caressed her jaw. As she stared deeply into her eyes, she was searching for any sign of reason or an original independent thought in there.

Helena couldn’t bring herself to pity this girl, or even feel sympathy for her. The only thing she could do, was try and sober her up a little, but that, apparently, did not work. Granted, she herself had only been using the waitress to get to her target and after tonight, she’d most likely never see her again. Yet something about this whole situation irked her on a personal level. Roo was free to go, leave her deranged mother behind and still - there she was, drowning in this pit of meaningless pleasure and derangement, a slave to somebody else’s desires, a slave of her own free will.

‘I payed. The rest is up to you,’ she whispered in disapproval. Truly, in Hel’s opinion it was stupid - to remain in the casino this way, to be used by people like herself and the other kind. For what? A mother who never cared, a family only in name?

Roo had nobody else to blame for her own imprisonment. Baffled, Helena just could not comprehend this stagnation, even though she’d assumed that they were adding something to the free food and drinks in that place, that must’ve messed up her mind ages ago. With an arrogant snort she slightly pushed this alien girl, who now clearly gave off the vibes of being her lover, away.

‘Well? Where’s that booze?’ It was obvious, in that moment, that her lady-friend had despised her, but oddly enough Roo did not react, more focused on the new shiny watch, that consumed her attention wholly.

‘Coming up,’ she chirped cheerfully, and then added, under her breath. ‘And I’ll bring you the copy of the key to his room.’ Clearly she was excited by the prospect of playing spy. With that she gave Helena yet another quick kiss and ran off, leaving the blonde to cringe and shiver under the large brims of her hat.

‘Ugh, damn it, I hate this place so much.’ The need for alcohol had never been this strong.

#long post for ts #soooooooo this #some space gay......#in a wicked alien casino..#at first i felt sorry for Roo but then I realised that she was being weird #she treated that watch like it was *gol.lum voice* precioussssss #Hel tots banged that girl and now prolly has the key to every door and every floor plan... u cant tell me otherwise #drabbles #a'queue'rate #imma queue this up for the evening or smth

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viverridae · 7 years

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what’s up, triggered myself reading #metoo stories 8 hours ago and i’ve only gotten worse since and my connection to the internet is too spotty to talk to anyone about it. not that i would even be able to bcos i’m too stupid to put anything into words and i hate acknowledging The Trauma. i have nothing to distract me, i’ve been destroying my ears w music and drawing but wow!! can’t stop thinking about shit, it’s trauma night lads. anyway i hate myself

maybe i fuckin deserve what happened to me lol. am i stupid and useless bcos i was abused or was i abused cos im stupid and useless?? right to life isn’t based on what you can contribute to society but also i don’t feel like i deserve the life i have cos i can’t do anything w it cos i’m too fucking dumb and sad and lazy. literally i’m a waste of space and resources and no one is better for having known me because i’m an incredibly self centered leech. maybe my reason for being here is just to be abused cos god fucking Knows i’m not good for anything else!!!!!!!

i had more to say but i’m once again too stupid to even do that. uhhhhh i wanna die, wish i never existed, wish i was strong enough to at least remove myself from the lives of the people around me. cool

#thrumming #negative -#idk jsut don't read it if you ahve triggers lol

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twopintsandaprayer · 5 years

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how can you be a better person if you can’t recognize that you’re a bad one?

I don’t like being resentful of the people in my life. But without them, there’d be nothing else keeping me here. one bad night and poof, gone and done for

I don’t know what to do.

I need to keep myself contained a bit more. I interfere or try to jump in where I’m not needed. I think people should listen to me and care about what my concerns are. I need to be less than what I’m doing.

I’ve tried to make myself disappear before. It was pretty awful. I felt like I was dying all the time, like a death knell stretched out. Like I was a ghost. Like I was never even here. It hurt all the time. There was no point in tryng to do anything.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t figure out the right way to act, the right thing to say. The right level of friendliness. The right level of engagement. I’m so sick of being close to someone and it fizzling the fuck out. It’s always because of something I did. i never realize it in time. I never see it coming. But then suddenly, the ground beneath my feet is gone. I can fool myself into thinking that life is ephemeral, that things don’t have to last to be real.

I lie to myself a lot. that’s one of my best.

It’s always because I needed too much. I was too much. I’m too much.

I don’t know what to do.

There are so few people that seek out my company. I’ve always had to make the effort to be included otherwise I’d be forgotten. I try to be okay with being left behind. I don’t fault my friends for doing it. It still hurts though. Everything that happens just makes this feeling worse. EVen when I’m included, when I’m remembered without having to be right in front of them, like a bad penny, I still fail. I can’t be happy for someone else. I don’t think...I don’t think I’m capable of it. I will drive everyone away, eventually. I can always make things worse.

I think I infect people with sadness. Or with anger. Annoyance. Discomfort. I make people uncomfortable. I need too much. I’m not really a person, you see, I’m not really real. I’m just a bundle of sadness and desperation in a trenchcoat. I can’t figure how to act like a person. I can’t figure out why I’m so wrong, all the time.

I’m living a life constantly wanting to die. I don’t remember when i starting thinking about death. It was early. But I can’t, I can’t do that to my mother. I can’t.

I’m trapped in this space inbetween. it’s barren and and harsh and full of demons of my own making. it cycles all the way through despair to something I can’t even name. it’s so goddamn endless, like a duststorm in the desert. like the doldrums out at sea. I don’t know if I can spend another 30 years like this. things were worse in the past but I think I used to believe things could get better? That there were experiences worth having?

now I know though. I know that I infect everything I do with this...this awfulness. Every single thing becomes a new way to torture myself. every experience and memory is tainted with how much I fucked up. And the worse I feel, the more I alienate the people around me. I’m so tired. I’m so sick of myself. I want to stab myself in the brain. I want to rip out my heart.

I want to stop driving people away. I expect things I can’t quantify and it...I don’t even know I’m doing it. I try to pretend so hard that I’m not falling apart and I fail at it, I just... infect others with it. My sadness comes out like anger. It comes out like desperation.

I want to belong. I want people to seek out my company. I fuck it up every time.

Isn’t that the definition of crazyness? to do the same thing, expecting a different result each time? I dont’ learn. I don’t know how to stop trying. I don’t know how to stop wanting, stop sucking the life out of the people around me.

the world is better off without me in it. I don’t see a way out of this life that balances out the awfulness I’ve propagated. god, I make things about me all the time. I’m so very self-centered, you know? flaky. unreliable. fucking stupid as shit. I worry about how people perceive me all the time and I want to control what’s going on all the time. such a control freak. i can’t handle being wrong. i can’t handle frustration. I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I should be lesser. I shouldn’t try so hard. I should just let people get on. I’m best when I’m by myself, I know this. my best memories are when i’m by myself. half are tinged with trying too hard with random people or feeling like the loneliest person in the world. but it’s better than having someone with me. It’s better than the awfulness I spread to them.

it’s like looking in through a window, through glass. like being trapped under water. I want to belong. I want to be safe. I want someone to like me best. I want someone to be my emotional crutch and constant companion.

I can’t give them love in return though. is it any wonder I’m still alone?

people know. they know how to protect themselves. It’s better not to get trapped with someone like me. Someone who will trap you with pity and vulnerability and need and issues as long as your arm. I can’t feel love, I’m terrified of sex, and the thought of romance makes me want to hide and never come out. But I want it, I want it so much. I want to not be so goddamn alone all the time.

I made so many mistakes in the past. I don’t see a way out of this trap, this cycle, this black hole. it used to be this intense sadness, endless tears and wailing, gnashing of teeth. That was before, when I used to think it could get better.

I know now that it won’t. This is worse, this is so much worse.

god I need some help. I don’t know where to go. There’s no one that can help, there’s no infrastructure here. My next appointment is not for a month and he’s already told me he thinks I’m combative and judgmental. I was trying so hard in that first meeting to stop myself from screaming hysterical. My sadness comes out like anger. I’m not angry at other people. I’m angry at myself. but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter what I intend, only how it comes across. I was trying to stay as calm as possible, be as open as I could handle. All I did was make him not like me, from the start. I can’t tell when people dislike me. I try so hard to be likeable and I’m not. I try so hard not to let other people see how sad I am, all the time. And I come across as angry. How...why did he have to tell me that? what was I supposed to do instead? why won’t anyone tell me how I’m supposed to act, what I’m supposed to say? why does everything come out wrong? why can’t I realize it on my own?

My two closest friends who would be able to understand don’t need this kind of negativity in their lives. All I do is bring people down. The other friends I have are either not close enough or wouldn’t get it, they just don’t get it, I wouldn’t be able to explain.

I need reassurance all the time. it’s such an awful, awful trait.

I just want to feel safe. even for awhile.

it’s the most fundamental lesson though. no one can save you but yourself. no one is coming to rescue you from despair. That’s not how this works.

i’m so old to be still feeling like this. How can I never learn? how am I not somehow better than I was? I’m still here, ruining friendships and alienating people, still making people worse and exhausting their resources, in the year of our lord 2k19

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop hurting other people. I don’t know how to forgive myself for anything. I don’t know how to stop leeching off other people. It’s so draining. I try to be sincere and positive and helpful because I know that and I make it worse. I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to fix what’s wrong. I don’t know where to even start. What I’m doing is not working. more than 20 years, it’s not working. I don’t work right.

there’s no way out of this life with fixing all these issues. they’ll plague me until my kidneys fail and my eyes go blind and my fingers fall off. I’m barely holding it together as it is. I don’t ...all I see when I look ahead is pain. Pain and causing distress.

I want this to stop. Wanting something is not enough. I want a lot of things. I’m very, very terrible at learning how to accept that I won’t get them.

you can’ t just decide you’re friends with someone. you can unilaterally make that decision. that’s not how it works. I don’t know why I can’t remember that.

god, I can’t believe I’m still typing this sentence. it’s been the same one since I was 8. I wish I didn’t need people. I wish I could be happy being by myself. I wish I didn’t speak or let things affect me, or having any impact at all on anybody. just...drift, like a ghost. if I could just be content with that, if I could just fix myself, then i wouldn’t hate myself quite so much. resent how fucking not normal I am, sure, but i at least I wouldn’t feel as much like a burden, as much like everyone hates me. As much like there’s something deeply deeply wrong inside, that even those closest to me can’t stand. people will let you down, this is a fact of life. it’s a fact of my life. perhaps it’s something that’s returned in kind.

I’m such a very, very bad friend.

god why can’t I improve myself? what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even have a proper psychiatric disorder. I don’t have childhood trauma. I don’t have any reason to be like this.

This is just who I am.

What a fucking waste.

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chocolate-failure · 7 years

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181

Just got back from ny last night and I somehow lost weight compared to how much I weighed before I left even after eating a bunch of pizza and other miscellaneous bullshit... I say that like I’m entirely unaware that I didn’t eat the last 2 days I was there.

I think the big delusions are starting to hit me now where I feel the mirror and scale are lying to me and that the number will change to something higher if I step on it enough. I ate 2 slices of pizza with my dad and nothing else the rest of the day and thought I was going to fucking die. The next day, at the party I had a few mouthfuls of food for the sake of appearances then at the next day’s party I ate nothing. There were so many people there they didn’t even notice. I like going unnoticed but I’m a rather noticeable person. On the trip back I ate sunflower seeds, chewed gum, and drank stuff. I still felt like it was waaaay too much like... but I guess not.

And within a few hours of getting back.. not to my parents but to shitty house #2 I have a flare up. LMFAO I fuckin hate living here.

I applied for unemployment today after being hounded by my dad to do it so we’ll see how that goes.

My fiance’s whole family went to shit while I was gone. His mom was her normal self ingratiating manipulative and thoughtless self. His dad was his normally tactless habitually drunk and high self. His bother got in a fight with his mom and had a breakdown after talking to his fiance... oh wait I have names for these bitches don’t I. Erm... Sidd and... What was his fiance... erm.. kinda don’t remember outside of her being awkward and boring like a 10th grader... errr... 10!! It had to have been that right? lmfao I know it’s not but idgaf what it was before, it doesn’t much matter anyways. So 10 is widely unhelpful and Sidd is freaking out so he no shows the movie they had planned to go to that afternoon with 10′s family and calls Diglett crying... Did I mention they’re getting married in november? they’re getting married in november... not looking forward to that but when’s the last time I looked forward to anything outside of being fucking dead?

So yeah Diglett’s having a hard time trying to support his family AND his grandmother’s dying. She’s a ENORMOUS bitch... you know like the kind of mom who knew her kid was molesting her other kids but did nothing.. the kind who tells her daughter she hoped the cancer killed her and broke that same daughter’s hand with a hammer to force her to marry some guy... so she’s not a big loss lmfao. She was always nice to me but she’s a generally terrible waste of space the world would be blessed to lose. I’ll probably be relegated to support duty since Diglett’s dad is not remotely fit to be emotionally supportive to his wife when she’s stubbed her toe much less grieving the loss of here objectively evil mother.

I don’t like my inlaws... like any of them. I think I actually dislike both parents and am entirely ambivalent to brother. Gah, I hope he doesn’t freak out any more any time soon, Diglett’s already a mess dealing with his own bullshit.

But yeah the funeral would be in Arkansas which I’m not particularly keen on cuz it’s fucking Arkansas.. and like the bad part of Little Rock [is there a Big Rock?? or??] It’s not a huge dilemma to figure out what I’d like to do. I’d like very much not to go and be bothered with my fiance’s shitty family but I feel obligated to take part as their residential leech. That’s part of the reason I applied for unemployment, there are a shit ton of resources along with the checks and the second I get a job and enough money I’m fucking out of this bitch. Cuz I fucking hate and honestly don’t care if Diglett comes with.

#inlaws #journal #ny trip 2017 #progress #The Big Shrink #job search

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