#i dont want to see my birthday!!!!!! i dont!!!!!!!!!!! and i hate that!!!!!!!

[veronicathegoddess]

i hate when someone invites me to like do something or go somewhere but they also invite someone i dislike, that they know i dislike and when i say i don't want to come because that person is there they're like it's fine, just ignore them...because i want to spend money i barely even have to spend time around people that have hurt me????? like if i don't like the person, idc who else is there and if i can ignore them, i'm not gonna put myself into a situation like that and idk why that's so hard for people to get

#my friends birthday is tomorrow #and she decided to spring a last minute plan on me to go to some hotel and stay for the weekend #which is a horrible idea for several reasons #we used to be a trio and then the other girl stopped talking to me because she was jealous #and we havent spoken in a year but they’re still friends #i hate her #she hates me #and we dont see each other and i want to keep it that way #secondly i hate last minute plans #it gives me unnecessary anxiety #thirdly the other person who's coming we aren't that close #so its just a mess all around #and lastly i literally told her i cant afford this because my internship hasn't paid me #i have less than 200 bucks to my name rn because idk when im gonna get paid #and shes like oh well ill lend it to you and you can just pay me back #like the issue isnt just not having the money rn #its that this is the type of thing id have to save for in advance #even if i borrowed the money from her #itd still put me out because i simply cant afford it #and its perplexing to me why she cant understand why a last minute overnight trip to a hotel isnt something everyone can just drop money on #especially in this fucking economy #i think i need better friends #rants and ramblings

[steampoweredskeleton]

Ignore

#delete later #in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown #i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it #im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly #to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or #spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be #ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right #and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen #too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the #person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this #at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my #meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things #i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas. #meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry #and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain. #i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay #i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired

[tinylittlebab]

stg i better loose weight in my thighs and not my boobs

#i like them how they r. and i also dont care abt losing much stomach weight either. itd be nice to see my ribcake more but im chasing the #thigh gap so id really like to lose it there. well i only have 10 pounds to lose before bmi is uncomfortable low so if im unhappy with it #(based of actual measurements and not my warped brain) then ill work on gaining muscle and losing fat instead #part of me wants to be >15 but that can lead to hospitalization and my family doesnt have the money for that. i used to bc i didnt care if #i died but now i dont wanna so id rather not have that happen even though i still kinda want it. i know i would hate it #well maybe ill make some goals to reach by my 18th birthday in june. im gna get a tattoo then another piercing and ill look so good if im #thinner then. i have a navel piercing and its gna look way cuter on me when im thinner :D

[artemisbarnowl]

Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.

#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to #what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again? #because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It #omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable #i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases #i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!! #i still think about that dream where i made him pasta #would i take him back? depends on what he said #as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and #2. is going to ask for it #because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future #never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?' #is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary) #or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer #when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH #not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth #and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead' #and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on #try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back #so as you can see -totally normal one

[anchorandrope]

x

#im gonna pretend i didnt see THAT post … #the amount of rads in my dash is concerning #unfollowing yall #EDIT: #okay i wanna give an explanation bc im (genuinely) interested to hear opinions. #but first i want to ask a question. since when do ‘larries’ hate louis so much? idk i ask since yall insult him for being in the closet #i get that its annoying #i get the frustration #and i get the anger at seeing a minor being used as a stunt is literally the saddest thing ever #but to say that louis deserves to have a shitty birthday doesnt seem a bit excessive? genuine question #I already saw like 5 posts saying that this is all louis' fault #that louis decided to do this stunt #and that he decides to not end it… #and i thought we were all clear that this is not louis' fault. #and lets be clear: i dont think louis is a poor idiot who doesnt decide for his life #but saying that he decided to have a babygate is ABSURD #bye

[takhayyul]

i hate being the only cousin living in canada, its my cousins wedding in the coming weeks and they be having so much fun rn while i gotta go to my 9 to 5 tmrw

#it was his dholki today pls they sent me vids and pictures and i wanted to be there so bad #and we got some good ass singers in my fam too like most of my cousins gifted singers fr #anyway i used to like the fact that my parents kinda got away w all the family drama by living far away #i also liked that they just cut off the toxic family members and stay away from drama #but then i always miss out on the fun cousin gatherings and weddings #i miss my childhood when i used to see them every year but since my grandparents passed away the family just drifted #and my mom just barely speaks to any of her siblings and we never really spoke to my dads side anyway lmao #but still i wanna be close to my cousins and just enjoy the fun moments #but then i appreciate living far away and avoiding the drama #pls his barat is actually the day of my birthday like #i already fkn hate my birthdays now im just gonna feel sadder bc im missing out on the wedding too 🧍🏽‍♀️ #just feel left out bc i already missed 2 cousins wedding back in 2020 and then one of my other cousin is getting married in may #but that cousin is from my dads side and we never attending that lmao #man anyway this shit dont even make sense #i just want to attend a big fat desi wedding in lahore instead of going to my 9 to 5 tmr on g

[cassioppenny]

GET ME OUT OF HERE

#sp mention #I HATE THIS SO MUCH GO AWAY #I DONT WANT TO SEE THE RACISM CARTOON WHEN IM JUST TRYING TO GET SOME GOD DAMN PANCAKES #i deserve to be compensated for having to see this on my birthday

[thursdayg1rl]

my friend actually invited me to go to the barbie movie omg

#hes the only real one i have lets be honest 💀 #i really want to ! #but then if i ask my aunt ill just get a lot of 'i do everything in this house' #'i hate driving you around like a chauffeur' (women who only drives me to the train station for school (literally on the way to her work)) #maybe my cousin would take me.. #but i would still 100% get complained at #but also consider. i REALLLY want to go :( #i literally only own clothes in the colour pink #i havent seen him since my birthday #so its literally been 2 months #ok i asjed when #we will see now.. #ugh i dont think ill be allowed to go #shes been in a bad mood w me recently #im so desperate to socialise

[altruistic-meme]

was gonna say i can't believe my mother would pull this shit, but actually I can believe it

#me for several weeks: i don't want to go to this thing #my mother: aw but your brother and his family will be there :( and they'll ONLY be there FOR TOYS and then they're leaving :( #THIS* #you KNEW i didnt want to be there. i told you multiple times. and you know most of WHY i dont want to go. #fuck you didn't even NEED to tell me my other niblings would be there #but you KNEW i would want to see them #fuck i hate this #i really dont want to fucking go but i barely see my niblings at all #I've missed more than one trip in the past year to see them bc of my job #i miss them :((( #but also like. the event is a birthday party for a 1 year old baby. #and like yeah shes my niece but she's 1 YEAR OLD. #also i hate her mother. and i hate her mothers boyfriend even more. like. a LOT. #I've done a damn good job of avoiding interacting with him so far but the more im put in a small space with him the harder that gets #also i also do like avoiding my sister whenever possible as well #AND ive had a really long and exhausting week #but no. no. now my mother had guilt tripped me into going so i can see my brother and his family. #i hate this. i feel like shit. #I'm so fucking mad about it. maybe i can just hide with my niblings the entire time im there. #shh ac

[cantsaythetword]

I'm about to see FRIENDS that I LOVE why is my BRAIN making me SAD

#he speaks #its not even upsetting me upsetting me im just confused?? #like why the fuck do i not want to go see some of my GOOD FRIENDS who LOVE ME and want to SEE ME #weird brain moments #kinda a vent post #idk if its even worth me bringing it up to anyone #i dont want them to feel bad #cause its kind of a birthday thing but also just hanging out in general #idk i hate stuff being planned for my birthday i dont want to force anyone into a commitment

[rockfact]

imgoing to pass out i sweatr to god. can it bnevermind i was gonna ask if it could be the weekend but i have people (brother his gf and their baby) coming over and thats worse than school. let this week be long please

#god. im so tired. #i swear im gonna just. leave the house that day #ill chill in the cemetery for hours w a book or something i just dont want to see him #nothing against my brother hes fine his gf is nice and their baby is cute i just i dont. want to see family rn. #thatll be fun (birthday in a few weeks. family WILL come over i know it) #i hate november

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tomorrow is the day the measurements start. the start of my 40+ days of torment. but idk im glad its finally here #i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements #i was talking to my boss yesterday and she was like: oh last timr we were out i realized this might be ur last time doing lpi for thr rest #of ur life. and i was like god i hope so. bc thats a process where i crawl across the ground for 50m per transect and identify all the #plants and soil cover and for the life of me i cant fucking remember plant codes. i hate it bc i basically have to talk for like 3hrs and #have someone standing over my shoulder recording me and all the while my brain is screaminf at me bc field work doesnt count as real work #in my stupid brain. so yea ill do lpi and soil stability as benign torment in purgatory #but anyway. im hesitantly optimistic abt the measurements i have to take bc im going to try my best to make it ok bc i have school #interviews looming and i have to pretend im hanging on by more than a single thread ya kno #so we r going to b careful abt it. well at least well see how long it lasts. i also have tk find the time to read a bunch before interviews #while my brain is completely fried idk how. and do other lab stuff. sigh... #idk im probably going to take measurements all the way thru sunday and then monday see if i can fill out patent intake info with a psy #psychiatrist. and hope they take my insurance. i called and checked for providers and they were the only one in the area so shoulf b ok but #ya kno. god im barely a functional person. like the fact that i have to drive 8min down the road is very nearly enough for me to say fuck #it. id rather suffer forever. i just hate driving so much :-P #i just wish i could focus enough to make words make sense and justify the time i spend to learn things. agh #lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake #and im v worried abt when my birthday happens. it wasnt so bad last time bc another birthday was also that week so the focus was off me a #lil but with my boss leaving this school i was like. yes. i escape the surprise gathering. but probably not. same for when i leave #genuinely i do not want a gathering. i just feel like im waiting for them to end. not that i dont like my lab mates but idk it feels so #artificial. and i feel awkward bc i never make eye contact or look at anyone in a way i think is typical bc i see ppl look at me #like turn their head to see my reaction to something and i just like fundamentally do not understand that impulse #whatever. what i want for my birthday or going away is to not attend the gathering. make it more like a wake lol #but i kno that wont happen. last year my boss asked whst i wanted and i said nothing and she said that wasnt allowed #im just so neurotic that if u try to do anything for me itll prob just upset me. but idk ppl like to give presents and stuff #and sometimes things arent all abt me. so i just gotta accept it and go cry abt it later #but thats like 3 months away so i dont kno why im so stressed abt it now. I've got more pressing things to stress abt #unrelated

[sexybabystevie]

this is to ONE PERSON and one person ONLY. if you're confused, it's not you!

#you know. i saw you posted today from a different account. and it was one i totally forgot about #i didnt even feel like running back this time. was i curious? yes. did i end up looking? yep. #im saying this even though im 98% sure you cant see it but whatever. since when has that stopped me before? #you seemed fine. to say seeing that didnt piss me off would be a lie. oops i guess #i think its funny how the last thing you posted was stolen from me. #today it was one of those tag games we used to do together. your taglist was empty with some excuse of being absent on this app #i cant help but wonder if thats really all of it. if thats the whole story or not. i have a feeling the answer is no #i dont think youll ever understand the impact of what you did to me and the ways that you treated me. how that immensely fucked me up #or how youve basically thrown me to the wolves ever since you emotionally checked out. #you act like i never mattered to you and its been like that for forever. i made so many excuses on your behalf that i never should have. #these days the thought of you makes me go insane. the kind of insane that leaves me up all night and makes me wanna scream at the top #of my lungs. i have been consumed by anguish and hate. yes. im not afraid to say it anymore. i hate what happened and what you did to me #and sometimes i even hate you. and i dont even feel bad about it. im so over that because if theres anything i deserve after this hell then #its the capability to hate. for once in my life. #i saw your post and wondered if you thought of me. and i hope you did. i hope you thought of me and at the very least it stung. #because whether you want to admit it or not i was someone good. i bent over backwards for you every other day. try finding someone to do #everything that i did for you that you never appreciated. try finding someone who will care as much as i did about someone who couldnt be #bothered to tell me happy birthday. i dare you. because im tired of being sad that youre not here. im tired of being the one whos mourning #im so over it actually. because really i did so much for you. i gave up so much to be a good friend and it was never enough. i genuinely #cared about you. im not going to torture myself anymore by overanalyzing your posts or by thinking that i was nothing to you #because in one way or another youll miss me. and i hope the feeling is hell. #in the wise and paraphrased words of taylor swift. karma only comes back around to those who deserve it #in other words ill be fine #em speaks #tw vent ish #sorry to everyone else although i applaud you for being nosy lmao. gotta have my girlboss moment <3

[woosansang]

.

#jazzy talks #delete later #hahahhahha who would have thought that avoiding going to a therapist for years would suddenly make it #extrmeley difficult for you to go back to a therapst hey #how does one even do therapy i dont remember #like hi hello nice to meet you i dont even know whats wrong with me half the time but sometimes i go mute and i think i have autism and #and ive been having a gender crisis for about three years also i want to date girls but dont want to talk to people #and i dont know if i actually had a crush on someone who lives on the other side of the world of if im just that lonely that ill make up #feelings but also every day that goes by when i dont speak to them i feel strange like not sad but i just want to talk to them #or anyone but also i dont want to talk to anyone lol how does tjat work #and i sort of hate my job but i sort of love it sometimes and im way too scared of change to move schools but i dont think #i can survive another year and a half at this school #also someone i havent seen in a few years told me yesterday that i look like ive lost weight which i have #but i drink like an australian and ive started snacking constantly again and i know that's going to reserve everything i worked so hard for #and i am self aware enough to know this yet i cant seem to stop lol #im moving out with my sister and her bf in a few months and idk if thats just going to make me realise even more how lonely i am #with my three and a half irl friends who never make the time to see me #who all tapped out of my birthday party bc they were tired or busy or whatever #when my sister and her bf want to do things without me i feel sad except thafs their relationship not mine #so instead i live on tumblr and photoshop and do badically nothing else for days in a row until the two of them want to do smth with me #im not improving in one of my dance classes and want to drop out of that class #and the dance class i teach is horible sometimes and also makes me want to stop taking them #i work at least an extra working day every single week if not more which is basivally seven days a week #and i want to use my money to travel and do things but the idea of taking that much time off work makes me feel #almost as anxious as actually going to work every day #i want to call my friends but i cant #i want to text my mutuals but i cant #i want to go to sleep but i cant stop thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow #where does the part come where you actually start living instead of just getting through the day bc its been like this for too many years #and i am just tired of it. i am so tired of it yet im going to do exactly nothing to fix it. sigh.

[borderlinegerard]

phone calls laced with memories of what will never be

#journal #my posts #FUCK HIM SO BAD ACTUALLY #always acting like the bigger person when you kinda.ruined things for me #said you hope i find someone new. i Cant find someone new now #hey buddy you ruined dating for me. i want to cry at the idea of love now #you were sort of like the worst boyfriend ever.but i digress #i cant believe you had me in tears once a week #and i cant believe youre the reason i almost endee up the hospital #its my birthday tomorrow #youll probably think of me. i know She Will #maybe shes better because i know she'll think of me. she was only one i actually knew Cared #i mean its no biggie except for tje fact that my heart was beating for you and my lungs took every breath so i could stay alive tolook atyo #i used to close my eyes and see you . now all i see is all your stupid empty promises #i remmeber when it was: iceland. greece. rome. wherever #now we're seven states away and ill be rotting in the ground before i forget you #but not in any good kind kf way #because you ruined eceryrbinf for me and i dont think youre even Sorry #im never getting that apology and i cant find it in me to care #maybe i can stay mad a few lifetimes longer. maybe youll forget about me and forget an apology was ever warranted #i just. hope you know. all my friends hate you #Spotify

[jackalhadrurusluvr]

i hope that the person who liked my tweet about dunes birthday and has been reposting dune the movie things knows that idc about dune the movie i only care about dune my oc. my beloved oc. my very very very beloved oc who was named after a grumpy elderly character in the hit book series wings of fire, not dune the movie

#if they are happy for my ocs birthday then HORRAY ^_^ #if its dune the movie then i hate to say it but i just accidentally fed u misinformation idk how old dune the media is #btw i did watch both the dune movies. i mean i liked them #but i think of the word dune like three hundred times a day because i love him he’s my special guy and i think of him always #i thought the world building in those movies was alright #i liked the thumpers those were cool #jerboa sighted 🫵 #they don’t know my oc universe set in the desert places significance on the jerboa too #except like literally like an old religious figure (their gods mentor) was a literal jerboa #shoutout to elder jerboa i love u king i miss u #(he’s been dead for millennia when canon starts taking place) #i wish there was more flora and fauna in the movies #i know the point of a desert is its barren but there’s so much cool life that can thrive there #tbh i feel like there wasn’t enough desert in the movies #which may be a hot take but it didn’t satisfy my need to look at desert #i just wanted to look at so much desert but it was kind of a really boring desert #anyways #i was lowkey worried i would hyperfixate on the dune movies but im not at all #my dune is the only dune in my heart #🖕 you dune the movie for taking my ocs name and making it popular media (/hj) #dune the media has been around way longer then my dune so yadda yadda whatever i dont trademark my ocs name i cant #but everytime i see someone say dune i get so excited and then remember literally only i talk about my dune #what a spinterest does to a man