#lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#tomorrow is the day the measurements start. the start of my 40+ days of torment. but idk im glad its finally here #i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements #i was talking to my boss yesterday and she was like: oh last timr we were out i realized this might be ur last time doing lpi for thr rest #of ur life. and i was like god i hope so. bc thats a process where i crawl across the ground for 50m per transect and identify all the #plants and soil cover and for the life of me i cant fucking remember plant codes. i hate it bc i basically have to talk for like 3hrs and #have someone standing over my shoulder recording me and all the while my brain is screaminf at me bc field work doesnt count as real work #in my stupid brain. so yea ill do lpi and soil stability as benign torment in purgatory #but anyway. im hesitantly optimistic abt the measurements i have to take bc im going to try my best to make it ok bc i have school #interviews looming and i have to pretend im hanging on by more than a single thread ya kno #so we r going to b careful abt it. well at least well see how long it lasts. i also have tk find the time to read a bunch before interviews #while my brain is completely fried idk how. and do other lab stuff. sigh... #idk im probably going to take measurements all the way thru sunday and then monday see if i can fill out patent intake info with a psy #psychiatrist. and hope they take my insurance. i called and checked for providers and they were the only one in the area so shoulf b ok but #ya kno. god im barely a functional person. like the fact that i have to drive 8min down the road is very nearly enough for me to say fuck #it. id rather suffer forever. i just hate driving so much :-P #i just wish i could focus enough to make words make sense and justify the time i spend to learn things. agh #lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake #and im v worried abt when my birthday happens. it wasnt so bad last time bc another birthday was also that week so the focus was off me a #lil but with my boss leaving this school i was like. yes. i escape the surprise gathering. but probably not. same for when i leave #genuinely i do not want a gathering. i just feel like im waiting for them to end. not that i dont like my lab mates but idk it feels so #artificial. and i feel awkward bc i never make eye contact or look at anyone in a way i think is typical bc i see ppl look at me #like turn their head to see my reaction to something and i just like fundamentally do not understand that impulse #whatever. what i want for my birthday or going away is to not attend the gathering. make it more like a wake lol #but i kno that wont happen. last year my boss asked whst i wanted and i said nothing and she said that wasnt allowed #im just so neurotic that if u try to do anything for me itll prob just upset me. but idk ppl like to give presents and stuff #and sometimes things arent all abt me. so i just gotta accept it and go cry abt it later #but thats like 3 months away so i dont kno why im so stressed abt it now. I've got more pressing things to stress abt #unrelated