#i dont punish myself for not understanding why The Gays are bad or wanting a government that supports its people

[wastecreature]

It's bonkers how truly, truly isolating and lonely it can be to not be able to hang out with your friends in person. I feel like everyone felt this during quarantine, but now that people are (unwisely) getting back to "normal" it's made it really apparent to me that like....I just don't have that? I don't have the thing to look forward to "after" quarantine? All my friends moved out of state. We talk every day for minimum an hour, watch TV together, etc, but just the concept of leaving my house, going to their house, existing in a space with them together, is almost alien to me. And I don't realize how that sort of lack of choice, lack of physical interaction, settles on my shoulders and haunts me constantly. It become background.

I remember after getting back from my trip to visit my friend it was a real, tangible weight all the time. And now it has faded back to the background, and I don't notice all the time. It's chronic, not acute. Something I realized, again after having irl interaction with a friend, visiting for a few days. Life is better with them around, but it's also harder. Because I know eventually they won't be around, and I'll have to go through the acclimation again.

The thought of one day living near friends that I can go to see, is almost unimaginably distant and hopeful. Maybe one day I'll read this post and not remember the weight of chronic loneliness. Maybe one day my norm will be my life being better and easier.

#and its so twisted because like im happy? this year has been one of the best of my life in all honesty #i have fully rejected the shitty religious structure i was raised with and stopped trying to supress what i felt to be right #im no longer traying to make myself hate the sin love the sinner #i dont punish myself for not understanding why The Gays are bad or wanting a government that supports its people #like im happy being who i am even if i cant express it openly #at least im not trying to hammer my brain into being straight and cis #at least now /i/ accept those parts of myself. that is already So much better. even if the people around me dont accept those parts #so like. im happier than ive been in a long time. maybe ever. but im still not Happy. im still so desperatelt lonely #and im better on that front too! because now i do have friends that love and support me! 3 years ago i didnt! #so even if it is so so lonely to be physically isolated from them i at least can talk to someone. #idk lots of thoughts. and not ones that i want to share with those friends becauss they will feel guilty for not being able to be here #and thats the last thing i want

[scarecoen]

Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

#tw abuse #tw #trigger warning #tw domestic violence #tw trauma #tw assault #tw hatecrime #tw transphobia #tw homophobia #alt #emoboy #emo boy #piercings #altboy #alternative #vent #trans #ftm #genderqueer #nonbinary #enby #nb #transmasc #transgirl #transpoc #trans poc #battery #bruises #tw bruises #tw scratches

[my-darling-boy]

hiya. hope this isnt too personal; if yes: i am very sorry and feel free to completely ignore this! It’s about ed/body dysmorphia and dysphoria. So I’ve been suffering from anorexia for quite some time and think i am trans but me being unable to discern “disordered” thoughts from my real thoughts I started doubting my “transness”. I dont want to go into detail since it might be tiggering but did you ever experience anything similar? I would really appreciate some tips.

Ahh firstly I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that! Secondly, I have Much to say about this because trans people often suffer from EDs and it’s not something I see talked a lot about, but it’s a very serious matter in the trans community. So far EVERY trans person I have known irl has had a form of an ED at one point in their life. It is actually more common than you think for a trans person to have body dysphoria AND dysmorphia at the same time!

My own ED started because of outside pressure from cis people, and cis men especially, who shamed me into prioritising looking traditionally masculine, gauging my validity based on how well I—and I don’t like using the word but—“passed”, and so I felt the need to drastically alter my figure. I got abused by people who kept telling me I couldn’t be a real gay man unless I looked like X or did Y to my body, so I was roped into bad habits to fit to their biased expectations.

I also know it was a way for me to “control” my life when things didn’t go as planned, as a therapist once pointed out, and so restriction was a way for me to take charge of SOMETHING in my life when I felt so helpless to change other things, like my wait time for surgery or name changes, etc. Which is why I know trans people suffering from EDs must be having a very hard time right now during these Current Events because life seems out of control. It’s also why cyber bullying and other forms of abuse can also trigger these disorders, not just from people body shaming a trans person, but also because you can feel a lack of control to handle the abuser(s).

Trans people can also see eating disorders as a form of self harm because of the depression one might suffer due to transphobia or other negative factors. Self punishment can also manifest in the form of harmful restrictive/excessive eating. A trans person may have such poor self esteem or have a history of abuse and view the absence of food or nourishment, or eating to the point of being sick, as a self inflicted penalty for feeling ashamed to be trans, or for another related issue.

My own anorexia stemmed from all of these, from the transphobia and stress I was experiencing as a trans person.

It’s interesting you bring up dysphoria and dysmorphia, because I would now say I have next to no dysphoria—because I am a man and it’s feels wrong/incorrect to think of myself as any different—so therefore, with my gender issues out of the way, now I’m just a man dealing with male body issues which don’t exactly feel directly related to gender dysphoria, if that makes sense? And in your situation, I get the two together can be pretty hard to distinguish between!

But like I was going to answer in another ask, and something I think a lot of people forget (and may be helpful to figure out one feeling from the next): being trans is deeper than surface level. I think because of the way it’s portrayed on social media, as stereotypes, and so forth, people get wrapped up in prioritizing the body part of it to determine if they’re trans, while neglecting the mind/heart part of it to determine it, and the LATTER is what is ultimately going to tell you!

I can wear anything I want and be a man. I could have any body shape and be a man. I don’t have to have surgeries or hormones to be a man, and I don’t even have to feel like anything about me has to physically change to be a man. What matters is that I FEEL, intangibly, internally, I am a man. What I choose to do with my body to support that if I feel it necessary is secondary to my identity, my being.

It’s good to understand our hearts = everything. How we feel about our bodies and the stuff we do to them or put on them is determined by your heart. That’s why if you’re really stuck, it’s important to concentrate more on internal responses to determine if you’re trans. I always say to experiment with clothing or pronouns or other forms of expression—not because these things must inherently equal being trans—but because it’s your deep internal euphoric response that you’re looking for to these factors, and if you’re looking for a place to start, that could be it! But at the end of the day, if we existed without bodies, without a way to express ourselves physically, who are you? And what form does that spirit take? It doesn’t have to be male or female, it can be anywhere in or out of the binary as well, so you don’t have to limit yourself to “male” or “female” boxes!

I hope some of this could help? ♡

#I’m actually glad you asked this cos this DOES NOT get talked about enough #trans people suffer from these things in silence and I just wanna let you know you’re not alone #ed tw #self harm tw #asks

[some-jw-things]

if you dont mind explaining, what did the organisation do that it gives you such reaction? im not jw/exjw myself, im just following this blog because i wanna keep myself educated on all sorts of issues, but if you dont want to its absolutely fine

I mean Jehovahs Witnesses are blatantly a cult. That’s been explained pretty thoroughly by a lot of people.

I guess “this organization is a cult” can be hard to understand what that actually means. On a personal level, it defined my entire life. When I introduced myself to new people, the first thing I said was that I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was my entire identity. I actually think of myself back when I still believed in it as a completely different person than who I am now. I consider my old self to be dead, and so does my family.

When I told them I wanted to leave the cult, they mourned me. They cried for months. They raged and got angry. My sister refused to even look at me for days. In the span of one sentence, I lost my whole family, all of my friends, and my entire community. I was shunned, and they blamed me for abandoning them.

And I knew that would happen. They had always made it perfectly clear that love was conditional. I was told flat out— multiple times— that I would get kicked out of the house if I got disfellowshipped. My dad told me as a child that he would stop supporting me if I ever went to college, because every Witness he knows who’s ever gone has left the Truth. He also told me that the day I turned eighteen he would make me pay rent to keep living in his house unless I was preaching full time. All of that later turned out to be empty threats and a doctor told me that last part was actually illegal, but my family made sure I grew up believing it.

I was only loved so long as I followed the rules. This is standard practice for Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am lucky I got off as light as I did and wasn’t kicked out on the street. Even that only happened due to a technicality and how obviously mentally ill I was at that point.

Jehovah’s Witnesses’ theology is the reason I started self-harming. I was afab and when I was fifteen I spent a month asking why God thought women were innately lesser than men. That culminated in a big family discussion where I got anxious enough to start scratching at my lip over and over until I had a massive gash. My family watched. My mother made a token protest that I listened to for about three seconds. I walked away from that conversation with the knowledge that I needed to keep my mouth shut because certain questions were actually not allowed and a brand new bad habit.

I created an entire system for myself based on rigid discipline and punishment and the idea that any mistake meant I didn’t deserve to feel un-miserable, which is exactly the sort of mentality that this all-or-nothing religious purism breeds.

I was institutionalized in hospital psychiatric wards four times in the year after I left, and one more time about a year after that. The high school attempted to put me in foster care then, out of concern for my safety if I continued living in that environment. My mother supported the idea

The first time I remember sincerely contemplating suicide was when I was thirteen. My thoughts then were just that I figured I would never be able to hold off killing myself long enough to live to be eighteen. I felt trapped. I was specifically thinking I would never have the guts to be able to pry myself out of the Org and so I would be stuck in it forever. The JW lifestyle is miserable in a way I can’t express

I have comforted my little sister while she’s had a break down crying in the bathroom during meeting because the talk was about Armageddon and she didn’t think our dad would make it into Paradise. She had to stop attending public school because of panic attacks. She was suicidal too at one point, but our mom thought she wasn’t as bad as me and therefore was making it up for attention

Jehovah’s Witnesses by and large treat mental illness with prayer and talking to the elders. The majority of teenage girls in my congregation had severe unaddressed issues. The Society has whole articles on how sometimes the answer IS demonic possession. Their version of Paradise is a eugenics fantasy

At one point an elder comforted my family by telling them that Jehovah likely didn’t view my choice to leave as legitimate due to my mental issues. They have official articles calling all apostates “mentally diseased,” and how am I supposed to argue why that’s wrong?

The majority of Jehovah’s Witnesses’ teachings are bigoted and hateful. They have a cute little kids cartoon that compares the evil gays to terrorists. I was taught the mark of Cain and curse of Esau were responsible for the existence of other races. JW women are required to submit to their husbands and fathers no matter what, and divorce is a sin that will get you shunned. Trans people are forced to live as their agab, gay people have to remain celibate and never date. The elders reserve the right to out you to whoever they want, whenever they want.

There have been so many talks that have sent me running off somewhere private to cry and panic

There’s this little girl in the hall who was friends with my sister. She had needed a blood transfusion when she was a baby. Her parents had been willing to let her die, but the courts stepped in and took her away for a few days. She was given the blood transfusion, lived, and at thirteen had a crying breakdown in the middle of the hall because the talk had just said she would never make it into Paradise now. Usually though, if you’re old enough to speak for yourself, they let you die

My parents have had three bankruptcies and they mock me for saving money. They live as if the world is going to end at any moment. There’s no such thing as a future

The world has been about to end since my grandma was little. That’s a running joke. She’s lived through more changes to the Org than I’ll ever know about. My family has been ruthlessly controlled by this organization for generations. My family aren’t allowed to accept me even if they wanted to. I’ve seen this Org ruin so many people’s lives in a whole variety of ways. Three other kids I grew up with have been disfellowshipped since becoming adults. There are others who I don’t think could leave unless they literally ran away in secret

JW ideology loans itself to a certain style of parenting and that has consequences. They control every aspect of members’ lives. Behavior, dress, speech, career, free time, friends, which family you’re allowed to see, what media you can consume. The thoughts you are allowed to have. I’ve been sent into a spiraling panic before over the idea that “I shouldn’t be thinking that”

The Org barred outside ideas and all criticism. They forcibly kept me in the dark. Members are intentionally isolated from not just all outsiders, but also all outside opinions. I was raised in a way intended to make me an outcast everywhere but within the Org. I was told never to read about Jehovah’s Witnesses from any writer other than the Society itself. I was told never to listen to its critics. I was told that reading forbidden books would get me possessed by demons

The Society controlled and defined my entire life and somehow still manages to do so even after I’ve left. Every member I know has been hurt by it. I’m just the one who won’t forgive

#i feel like this doesnt explain anytthing but whatever #tw #suicide ideation #self harm #ask #ex jw #ex cult #apostate #ex jehovah’s witness #christianity #religion #exjw

[evisamora]

She Ra, season 3, episode 1

Here we go again, Evisa big stupid analyst! I’m sorry but I love doing it and it help me to think.  So here we go with Episode 1.  First, we know that SW left the Horde by “manipulating” Catra and go to Bright Moon to see Adora. Which is interesting, because in a way she has nowhere to go, but she cna still feel safe enough to go see Adora. Is that because she believes in Adora? Or is she really desperate? I mean, the Bright Moon Prison seems... pretty nice. Everyone seems surprised of it. Angella, is it the prison or not?

Well, guess it is.  Plus, Angella got call out by our famous SW. I mean they kinda look a like no?

Well anyway, let’s be honest Glimmer and Angella has the same personality and they are quite a show to watch yelling at each other.  I love how Angella doesnt want Adora to be in contact with SW because she is dangerous, but Angella is aware of the psychological damage she done to her when she was young and she might have an idea how she treated her in the Fright Zone. Plus, Glimmer kind a make of reference that SW knows how to manipulate Adora. BUT Adora kinda make the T post to impose her dominance. 

But it doesnt work. You are such a gay Adora.  Anyway, she will try to infiltrate SW prison to spoke to her, because she came to Birght Moon and it kind of picked Adora curiosity. We can’t blame you Adora, it took all the fandom by surprise too. 

Obviously, the Bestfriend Squad know each other perfectly so... Guess they knew what Adora planned since the beginning. Heres a compilation of Glimmer stopping Adora. 

Ok the first one, Glimmer look like she wants to grabs Adora butt and Adora is like : NO!  And I am not sorry for this.  But yeah Adora try so hard to go see SW.  At the same time, we are learning that SW wants only to talk to Adora and that she is actually dying. I am pretty sure that people who hates Light Spinner/SW was happy to heard that, but eh eh. Actually She Ra will heal her. SW will show her how to use her power.  BUT HOW DID SHE GET IN SW ROOMS?? Actually, this is Glimmer who lets her after a long talk with Adora.  Meanwhile, Bow will distract the Queen and Castaspella with a Magic trick?! (I wanted to see that trick Bow)

I love how Glimmer did her protective girlfriend speech to her future mother in law. Sassy girl. 

To be honest, SW calling Adora “my Adora” make me ... I don’t know to be honest. I really want to think that she really loves her like if she was her child, but at the same time SW took her because she was feeling power in her and knew that she was different. We all know the Weaver loves power. 

Lucky us, Adora didn’t believe her.. well I think? Maybe she did believe her in a way, but at the same time knew that SW had other intention 

SEE

Adora is different because she has power in her! Here we can see a proud girlfriend because Adora doesnt trust SW. 

Even after all this, Adora will accept to heal SW as long as she talks. First she need to make the T post dominance as She Ra to make sure SW is really afraid.

Angella and Castaspella will hear noise or see light? Maybe both! And they will enter the room> Poor Bow, he was trying hard to distract them. Guess you’ll need a little more practice after all. You are such a dork. 

SW finally speak about why she is here. 

AND this is what I find interesting, SW said that Catra betrayed her and that Hordak get rid of her so she wants to take THEM down. Which is kind of true, but at the same time she did everything to keep her alive. I think it’s funny how Catra and SW are alike. Both keep grudge but don’t see how their actions affect people around. It’s at the same time that she told them about the portal, which JOKE ON YOU SW WE KNOW SINCE SEASON 2. Plus, it’s at the same time she tell Adora that she is not from here and Hordak took her and bring her there from a portal. 

TATAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Big intense music during these scene. I mean, it’s not like a big spoilers because many of us fam already saw it. There is when Adora left and ask Light Hope for answer! 

There is the part we know that Mara cut them off from the rest of the galaxy and that is will be really dangerous to open one right now. 

Does it means that if they can reestablish their link with the rest of the universe they can open a portal again without any consequences? For people who finished the series do you know where I want to go with this?  Anyways, after her talk with Light Hope, she goes back to Bright Moon and this is when the bestfriend squad decide to go on a trip to the Crimson Waste and follow he message from Mara. This is how the ADVENTURE begin mesdames and messieurs.

AND NOW! Not that I have my favorites in this show, but I do. The SuperpalTrio, what is happening with them. DO WE SEE THEM? Yes don’t worry. 

As we can see our baby is alive. She is in a prison like SW was. I don’t know if it’s the same cell and tbh I don’t care. And Scorpia is running to trying to make Catra escape so she will not have to be sentenced by Hordak.

***LOOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN********

I know, I repeat myself, but Scorpia is a precious bean and she is the friend that no one deserve. ~cancer rights~ But meh Catra doesnt want to because she doesnt want Scorpia to get in trouble for her. Which it shows that Catra really cares for Scorpia because she doesnt want her to get in trouble in the first place. 

This, my friends, this is the part where we know Catra doesnt believe in herself anymore.  Yes, she never had a big self esteem, but she always thought that shw could proove herself to SW, to Adora and to Hordak, but now she doesnt believe in her at all, she thinks she is a loser and she will never win. Win what? Win to be the favorite? The trusted one? The good one? I don’t think she is talking about power. Yes, in the Horde she needs to have power to have all of this and this is why Catra try to have it.  And we can see her girlfriend being mad at her future mother in law. Man, SW you need to watch your back. 

But good one Scorpia, because we all know she is not right. 

SCORPIA FACE FOIEQHFIEQHJFQFIHVQFQFJ. Man, SHE IS YOUR FRIEND AND YOU ARE HER BESTFRIEND! 

IS THAT A LOVE CONFESSION BECAUSE OOOOOF IT’S HOT IN HERE! But no for real, it was really kind from you Scorpia. Man, Scorpia, I know you love your friend lie if they were a part of you, but you can’t realy on someone like that it’s really bad for you. It’s even worst because Catra has self destructive behaviour. Even if Catra doesn’t have any, you need to rely on yourslef more and being your world. You dont need to make someone else our world because yours is already amazing.  Entrapta and Hordak relationship/friendship is stronger than never before! He pretty let her do everything she wants or she doesnt listen to him so he just let her do it?! 

Entrapta will safe Catra life by using the development of the Horde since Catra was in charge and how it get better. She will told her that she need her to find a first one tech in Crimson Waste. 

Tbh this is me with my gf everytime she is trying to win an argument with me and that she is right.  I mean, I understand Hordak to trust Entrapta complety because she is kind of the only one who can face him and be totally honest with him. Look at my baby grumpy face. Can I marry her? 

After, Catra will be sent to Hordak to have her punishment. Lonnie is so worried about her cat girlfirend. 

Hordak will call Catra a failures and want people to take note of her mistake, but Catra kinda of call him out. I don’t know if it’s because she thought she will die so she let out everything she wanted to say before?! I mean she seems pretty ready to die and to let herself go. OR maybe she thinks it will save her by trying to convince him that he needs her? 

Ok Lonnie is totally laughing. She is proud of her girlfriend. 

Catra are you fingering guns Hordak?! HOney, we talked about that. 

The fist remind me something..... wait ....

OH YEAH! Dam. Thats scary Arthur... EH HORDAK! 

Catra will learns that she is going to Crimson Waste to retrive first one techs (where no one survive and that’s why Hordak send her there). He is sure she will never return. Guess Entrapta really have high hope in Catra!

#she ra spoilers #spop spoilers #she ra #She Ra and the Princesses of Power #Catra #adora #scopria #bow #glimmer #entrapta #angella #Castaspella #HOrdak #Lonnie #Kyle #Rogelio #Shadow Weaver #spop

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am���

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

#symphogear #symphogear season 1 #anime #recap #comedy

[ghostcrows]

Skee Possum Ghostcrows’s analysis of the film Lady Bird which i watched in my english class and want to talk about to someone starts Now. nobody asked and i delivered ;)

it’s not like i think it was super groundbreaking or anything but it just made me think. films that make you go hmm

will tag as long post but i am not putting it under a cut sorry

first i’ll talk about things i didn’t like because i like to end on positive notes

cons:

- very straight. very heterosexual. there’s a gay guy in it and he’s actually treated fairly well, though we don’t delve deep into his story, but watching lady bird go to town on guys was an unpleasant experience that luckily the screen being too dark saved me from the worst of

i understand WHY they did it, it’s a coming of age sort of story, she’s learning and leaning into her sexuality, that’s fine, but i’m hopelessly heterophobic so i can’t help but detract points for this

- the ending was way too abrupt....i didn’t expect to see lady bird’s entire life story unfold but i feel like we needed at least a scene or two more to end on a note that didn’t feel so lacking...i kind of get it though like not everything is perfect loose-ends tied and we don’t get to see everything all the time but...it felt lacking.

- i don’t like that she went back to using the name christine. maybe it’s just the transed in me but i thought her asserting this name, this identity that she carved for herself, was really cool, and i can see how it might be considered her being “ashamed” of her name or her trying to be someone she isn’t, but....it was clearly special to her. it just. it would have been more powerful, i think, to me at least, for her to keep the name lady bird. it’s an interesting name

- speaking of her name, we never really get to know why she goes by lady bird. maybe i missed something, but i don’t think we do. i would have liked to know what significance that name had to her. maybe it was like, the dream of flying far away like a bird, that sort of thing, how birds symbolize freedom and all that. maybe that’s part of why she went back, when she realized her town wasn’t all bad. but still. just personally i think she shouldn’t have gone back to christine

neutral things:

- it was kind of weird how she was talking to that guy at a party about not believing in god. i kind of got the impression that the catholic church had made her disillusioned. it’s not necessarily bad that she still had faith (or seemed to based on that conversation), it’s just strange. maybe that was to show how she was thinking back on and regretting being so cold to her surroundings? still.

- not so 2000′s it’s sickeningly in your face but it was just 2000′s enough lmao. like, the bell bottom jeans and the flip phones and just the all around vibe...yeah

- i felt kind of bad watching lady bird leave julie to try and get in with jenna and kyle and their crowd. she didn’t seem like the type to do something like that. i can kind of understand though, peer pressure and all. and she went back in the end, so she did learn her lesson, which is good

- sometimes she would start to make a point to her mom or the church like she was stickin it to em, like the abortion assembly, but then she swerved and ended it weird. like she had us in the first half i’m not gonna lie lmfao

good things/noteworthy things:

- i thought the shots were pretty good. i mean, i don’t know a lot about the technical aspects of film (despite spending two years of high school in AVTF) but it just looked good, the colors looked good, they made sacramento look really gorgeous. which really made you ask, why does she hate it here of all places? “wrong side of the tracks” my ass...

but see, i can still understand that. i think that, when you find yourself in a bad position in life, when you’re going through a rough time, you tend to lash out on your surroundings. i did that myself with my own hometown. sometimes i still do. i think it’s a boring, stagnant place and on my worst days i think it’s a literal hellhole. but it’s not, really. i’m the hellhole. the hellhole is me. and that’s why it was a shock for her when she went to new york and kind of just did the same reckless things she was doing before. it doesn’t matter where you go, you can’t escape your problems just by moving to a different place. you can’t leave your brain in your hometown and fly a hundred miles away and be happy. you have to work on you first. a change of scenery might help but ultimately, you gotta fix you

- i found it contradictory to me in that it was really relatable while also being pretty unrelatable. when i look at lady bird as a character, i see myself. but not all of myself. not even myself as i am now. more like a piece of myself. a piece thats still in me but that largely got left behind in high school. which makes sense bc thats where she is during the course of the film

i found it relatable in just, the ways they showed the audience the experience of being an adolescent afab person. not completely, but in a lot of ways. i saw my ninth and tenth grade cis girl self a lot. 

what was unrelatable was mostly the way that while i sat around and daydreamed about being this rebellious teenager sticking it to the world, she actually went out and did it. it’s like seeing an image of who i might have been, had i acted out on my desires. and i’m not saying i wish i had done that or that i’m glad i didn’t. it’s just an observation more than anything. it’s like, my wild girl self if she had “flourished” (if you can call it that, and yeah she wasnt TOTALLY wild but like. the amount of wild, the amount of fun and rebellious that i’d wanted to be then)

- the way they talk about sex is very real, which i like. it’s funny and not too prudish or too vulgar (though i dont really have standards for too vulgar lmao). that was just cool

- i’m glad that danny was a character. yeah he was just a side dude and they didn’t touch on him being gay in depth but they didn’t really need to? like. i’m just glad it was the way it was. he didn’t die or get punished or have everyone turn against him, he just upset lady bird because he was pretty much cheating and her feelings for him had been more real than his for her. she tried to use it as an insult briefly but i don’t think it was out of real animosity, just being hurt because she’d felt betrayed. and when he broke down and cried and she stood there and held him that almost made me tear up in class oops

- this is a big huge one. the way lady bird and her mother’s relationship operated was so. SO fucking resonant with me. and i wish it wasn’t. it’s like looking in a mirror and hating what you see. i’m glad i saw it, but i hate that it’s true to me too. y’know?

the way her mother is constantly overly criticizing and making comments towards her and lady bird tries to defend herself or come back at her, the way she subtly (or overtly) suggests that lady bird will never amount to anything great and she should just settle for mediocrity

the way her mom refuses to speak to her when she’s begging her to just say something, anything to her

the way her mom acts when she takes her to the airport

the way she shames her for being financially dependent on her and assumes that she’s ungrateful when she’s just. frustrated with the situation (i understand why her mom feels that way, i understand why MY mom feels that way. but you still can’t make your kid feel like shit for costing so much to raise when they didn’t ask to be born lmao...) the scene where she says “give me a number. give me a number so when i get rich i’ll pay you back and more and never have to speak to you again” and her mom’s reply that she’ll probably never get that far? that was so real it KILLED me. that was EXACTLY something that would happen between me and my mom

and oh . ohhhhhh my god. when she’s in the changing rooms and her mom can’t come up with a nice thing to say about her dresses...and lady bird says “do you like me”

“lady bird, i love you”

“yeah....but...do you like me.”

and her mom had nothing to say

that was PAINFUL. PAINFUL...because that’s...the way i feel with my mom too

- the way that financial stress can bring emotional turmoil to an entire family was really resonant as well, which ties into that last part. i could understand her parents’ struggles and sympathize with them, but i still leaned towards siding with lady bird because while yeah she was kind of extra sometimes, and she tried to act like she was one of the rich kids bc she was ashamed, and i get how that would hurt her parents....overall she was just. frustrated with the situation. frustrated with her relationship with her mother, frustrated with her school, afraid she might not get where she wants to be, CONSTANTLY discouraged by her family and told to aim lower....whatsa girl ta do yknow?

- i loved that lady bird went to prom with julie. it was really sweet. and it’s a reach and a half but bisexual lady bird confirmed

- i think ultimately its good that she kind of realized, oh...yknow...maybe its not the town i hated. i think i actually quite like my hometown. it was just my situation. and there’s a lot about sacramento that i can appreciate. i think that was good. BUT i don’t think it should end with her going back and settling just because she made that realization. you can come to that conclusion that maybe things weren’t so bad with the place you lived, without giving up completely and moving back home. i don’t like the implication that she was wrong to want more, wrong to change her name, wrong to try and carve a place and a name for herself in the world. i don’t like the idea that her family was right all along. and it doesn’t end outright saying that, it ends super abruptly and is up to interpretation, but i really like to think she made it in new york. or at least that she made it somewhere. and that maybe her relationship with her mom got better with time. it’s what i hope for me and my mom too

and i think that’s it. thanks for listening if you liked this video smash that like button smash that subscribe button and hit the little bell so you never miss a notification. until next time!

#skee txt #long post #very long post #lady bird

[wildgeese2017]

i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.

i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.

people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul. 

i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche  

i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.

as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.

is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.

one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.

everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now. 

i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking  her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.

[fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog]

you too buddy all the SO questions

ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed

but fine

Significant Other Asks

1. Tell the story about how you met.

it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)

anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there 

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing

before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)

vantas is a gemini and...

i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

yeah as far as i know both sides are

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care 

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time

sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through 

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically 

that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on

the trip to malibu

were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?

you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself

not the exact wording but that is the moral

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been

we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?

will and jada pickett smith

24. Do you have a shipname?

vantder i dont know 

maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different 

i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights

he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes 

he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days

i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side

i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much

talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship

nobody that matters anyway

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex

i didnt remember it and i still loved him

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

vantas

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him

hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously

steven spielberg would shit himself

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend 

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you

#ask meme #literalillbeats #((m i s E R Y but THANK U

[brallonsin]

http://beeisatthedisco.livejournal.com/892.html

Chapter two: Burn Down The Disco At streetlamps hour on a very boring Saturday, Dallon and I decide to leave our tiny apartment. I lock the door behind us and follow him a couple of blocks to a new bar he’s been raving about. It’s only just opened and he thinks that one day it’s going to have a guest list to get in, so we should make ourselves known there, apparently. We walk beneath the moonlight, it’s there, very lightly, mostly hidden by the bright lights of New York City below it but I can still make out the moon if I look hard enough. “Holy smokes, you’re gonna love it here, Brendon, I went with Spence and Gabe last night and it rocked. There were cute guys on the bar making these amazing cocktails I’ve never even heard of and every one there seemed so… cool and gosh, Brendon, we might meet some famous people, it’s gonna be the new hot spot, oh, I love New York!” He’s babbling but it’s cute, I smile up at him, so tall and enthusiastic and he’s throwing his long limbs around as he speaks. He’s right, too, New York is so different to Utah, our hometown. Utah is so closed minded and hateful and… stubborn. New York is open, beautiful and understanding. New York has never punished him for loving men. Not yet. The bouncer on the door nods at Dallon, recognising him from last night and it is a new club, after all. The smell of perfume, aftershave and sweat hits us before the smoke machine does as we walk in, it clouds over the both of us and all I can see is Dallon Weekes’s big stupid grin poking out the top of the smoke. I hum in approval at the choice of music as Morrisseys voice drones over the speakers. ‘Burn down the disco Hang the blessed DJ Because the music that they constantly play Says nothing to me about my life’ “Brendon, hermaso!” an excited voice comes as Gabriel Saporta’s long arms pull me into them, he’s stupidly tall too and my nose hits his chest in our embrace. He always throws Spanish words into english sentences, he thinks it makes him sound more interesting. I hug him back, giving him a small smile and backing back against the bar, knowing not to be too friendly with Gabe or he will try and take me home again. Or to the toilets, that’s happened before too. “Shit…” He’s suddenly distracted, I turn around to inspect why his eyes have now turned to saucers and oh. Oh. Mine are saucers now too. The boy from work is there, right there and dang… he’s in another fancy suit but looks more relaxed, hair combed perfectly into a quiff and rolling a cigarette in his fingers, at least I think it’s a cigarette. No girl this time. That’s too bad. I’m grinning. And wait, does Gabe know him? “Who is it?” I press, Dallon and Spencer have turned to look now too, not that he’d notice, too involved in conversation with another freakishly tall man that has pretty girl hair and sharp cheekbones. 
“Who is it?! That’s Ryan Ross, the Ryan Ross… he owns most of New York! Oh! This is probably his club, look at him, he owns this place for sure. Oh, don’t look at him like that Urie, he’d chew you up and spit you out. Rumour has it he dates who he wants, when he wants and people disappear when he’s done with them…” I roll my eyes because great, another big ego in a world of egotistical maniacs. No thank you. He’s pretty too, it’s a shame. “I’m getting a drink…” I review the cocktail menu briefly before ordering myself an old fashioned. I take out my wallet to pay before I hear a voice in my ear. “I’ve got it, pretty, put your money away…” The voice is velvety and smooth, low but without being gravelly and I melt. I haven’t gotten laid in a while so I smile and accept it, putting my wallet in my pocket before turning around to thank the kind stranger. “Thank you, I’m… oh.” My throat feels dry as I look up into Ryan’s eyes, so that’s what they look like. Shit. He should never wear sunglasses. It should be a crime. The bartender passes my drink to Ryan and he doesn’t have to pay for it. Maybe he does own the joint. He’s even more beautiful unclose and I’ve forgotten how to speak. God, Brendon, play it cool, he’s just another asshole who thinks he can get anyone, Gabe even said it. Don’t let him get you. “Your name is… oh? Mine is Ryan.” Ryan grins, clearly amused as he passes me my drink and crosses his arms over. A stunned silence surrounds our friend group and I look from Gabe to Dallon to Spencer with wide eyes for help but I’m just met with shrugs and shaking heads, great, they’re all intimated too. “No… uh. It’s Brendon.” I correct, fixing my shirt and pulling it lower because he smells good and he’s too close and my pants feel tight. Of course they find him intimidating, he has that air around him, he’s not as tall as all of my weirdly tall friends but he’s tall enough and he stands proud. He licks his lips. I’m fucked. “I know that. Saw it on your name tag today. You work in that lingerie store for the discount?” He smirks and he’s eating me up with his eyes. I don’t know if he’s mocking me or if he’s getting off to imagining me in tiny lace panties. His look is dark and it could be either. Or both. Suddenly the tall man I saw him with earlier walks out from the bathrooms, throwing his arms around Ryan and I hold back a disapproving glare as he kisses his beautiful, chiseled cheek. Gabe wolf whistles at him, looking him up and down and within a second Ryan is in my friends face, fists tight. 
“Dont. William is mine and one more derogatory noise from your mouth around him and you’re out. You here me? Out from here and every other gay bar in the area. And you won’t be back.” He all but snarls as he pulls away, tugging Will with him as they walk to the VIP area, he turns back to give me a little grin. What a fucking mindfuck. “Asshole…” Gabe whispers, too quiet for anyone except us to hear as he watches Ryan and William walk up the stairs to the VIP area and slip into one of the booths, a curtain covering them. Gabe’s pride is clearly knocked but he gets over it, chanting ‘shots’ and clapping to the music, soon distracted by a pretty shot boy carrying alcohol on a tray and handing them out. I take one. It burns. I use the drink Ryan got me to chase it. * * * 3am. We’re singing and swaying and I can’t get him out of my mind. I want to dislike him with everything in me but I can’t. I’m just intrigued, I want to know more. His honey-coloured eyes burn into my brain and shit, I don’t think I’ll ever rid the memory of them. He was wearing eyeliner, it made him look even more feminine which is really sexy combined with that arrogant, masculine persona he carries. The glow of neon is hurting my eyes in the best way when I tell my friends I’m going to the bathroom and I’ll be right back. I don’t realise that I’m being followed. I don’t need the toilet, I’m just a sweaty dude right now and I need to dab my face, I grab some tissues and pat them over my skin, looking at myself in the mirror. Another body presses behind me and I freeze. The face that hooks over my shoulder is familiar and some large hands are holding my hips. 
“Fancy seeing you here…” I gulp, eyes meeting Ryan’s gorgeous honey dripped ones in the mirror. Kill me now. I can’t take this. He’s watching his hands work over my hips and he seems to like the sight. I want him to bend me over the sink and fuck me right in front of the large mirror, right here, where anyone could walk in and catch us. I wonder if he could even get in trouble for that, by the sounds he couldn’t get in trouble for anything. Apparently he can because he immediately lets go of my hips and backs off when he hears the door open and he gives me a look that says ‘maybe next time…’ before slipping away again. He always slips away. I walk back out and Dallon's grinning at me when I come over to them. 
“He’s the guy, isn’t he? The one you won’t stop talking about. Golly, B, you’re like a lovesick puppy around him… don’t let him hurt you, okay? I don’t wanna have to pick up any pieces…” I cut his babbling off with a sharp tone. “I’m not! I don’t care about Ryan fuckin’ Ross and his too good for everyone attitude. I’m not going to be another tick on his “to do” list.” I sigh, rubbing his arm as I didn’t mean to shout. I just. I’m not. I’m not easy and I can’t be bought with drinks and sexy looks. “Sorry. Maybe we should go.” I don’t want to, the more drunk I get, the more I want to stay and gaze at Ryan but when I see him with his tongue down Williams throat and begin to imagine that it’s me… I decide that leaving probably was the better idea. We walk. Stumble… home.

#ryden #ryan ross #brendon urie #dallon weekes #fanfiction

[brallonsin]

Velveteen Ships

Chapter 2: 

At streetlamps hour on a very boring Saturday, Dallon and I decide to leave our tiny apartment. I lock the door behind us and follow him a couple of blocks to a new bar he’s been raving about. It’s only just opened and he thinks that one day it’s going to have a guest list to get in, so we should make ourselves known there, apparently. We walk beneath the moonlight, it’s there, very lightly, mostly hidden by the bright lights of New York City below it but I can still make out the moon if I look hard enough. “Holy smokes, you’re gonna love it here, Brendon, I went with Spence and Gabe last night and it rocked. There were cute guys on the bar making these amazing cocktails I’ve never even heard of and every one there seemed so… cool and gosh, Brendon, we might meet some famous people, it’s gonna be the new hot spot, oh, I love New York!” He’s babbling but it’s cute, I smile up at him, so tall and enthusiastic and he’s throwing his long limbs around as he speaks. He’s right, too, New York is so different to Utah, our hometown. Utah is so closed minded and hateful and… stubborn. New York is open, beautiful and understanding. New York has never punished him for loving men. Not yet. The bouncer on the door nods at Dallon, recognising him from last night and it is a new club, after all. The smell of perfume, aftershave and sweat hits us before the smoke machine does as we walk in, it clouds over the both of us and all I can see is Dallon Weekes’s big stupid grin poking out the top of the smoke. I hum in approval at the choice of music as Morrisseys voice drones over the speakers. ‘Burn down the disco Hang the blessed DJ Because the music that they constantly play Says nothing to me about my life’ “Brendon, hermaso!” an excited voice comes as Gabriel Saporta’s long arms pull me into them, he’s stupidly tall too and my nose hits his chest in our embrace. He always throws Spanish words into english sentences, he thinks it makes him sound more interesting. I hug him back, giving him a small smile and backing back against the bar, knowing not to be too friendly with Gabe or he will try and take me home again. Or to the toilets, that’s happened before too. “Shit…” He’s suddenly distracted, I turn around to inspect why his eyes have now turned to saucers and oh. Oh. Mine are saucers now too. The boy from work is there, right there and dang… he’s in another fancy suit but looks more relaxed, hair combed perfectly into a quiff and rolling a cigarette in his fingers, at least I think it’s a cigarette. No girl this time. That’s too bad. I’m grinning. And wait, does Gabe know him? “Who is it?” I press, Dallon and Spencer have turned to look now too, not that he’d notice, too involved in conversation with another freakishly tall man that has pretty girl hair and sharp cheekbones. 
“Who is it?! That’s Ryan Ross, the Ryan Ross… he owns most of New York! Oh! This is probably his club, look at him, he owns this place for sure. Oh, don’t look at him like that Urie, he’d chew you up and spit you out. Rumour has it he dates who he wants, when he wants and people disappear when he’s done with them…” I roll my eyes because great, another big ego in a world of egotistical maniacs. No thank you. He’s pretty too, it’s a shame. “I’m getting a drink…” I review the cocktail menu briefly before ordering myself an old fashioned. I take out my wallet to pay before I hear a voice in my ear. “I’ve got it, pretty, put your money away…” The voice is velvety and smooth, low but without being gravelly and I melt. I haven’t gotten laid in a while so I smile and accept it, putting my wallet in my pocket before turning around to thank the kind stranger. “Thank you, I’m… oh.” My throat feels dry as I look up into Ryan’s eyes, so that’s what they look like. Shit. He should never wear sunglasses. It should be a crime. The bartender passes my drink to Ryan and he doesn’t have to pay for it. Maybe he does own the joint. He’s even more beautiful unclose and I’ve forgotten how to speak. God, Brendon, play it cool, he’s just another asshole who thinks he can get anyone, Gabe even said it. Don’t let him get you. “Your name is… oh? Mine is Ryan.” Ryan grins, clearly amused as he passes me my drink and crosses his arms over. A stunned silence surrounds our friend group and I look from Gabe to Dallon to Spencer with wide eyes for help but I’m just met with shrugs and shaking heads, great, they’re all intimated too. “No… uh. It’s Brendon.” I correct, fixing my shirt and pulling it lower because he smells good and he’s too close and my pants feel tight. Of course they find him intimidating, he has that air around him, he’s not as tall as all of my weirdly tall friends but he’s tall enough and he stands proud. He licks his lips. I’m fucked. “I know that. Saw it on your name tag today. You work in that lingerie store for the discount?” He smirks and he’s eating me up with his eyes. I don’t know if he’s mocking me or if he’s getting off to imagining me in tiny lace panties. His look is dark and it could be either. Or both. Suddenly the tall man I saw him with earlier walks out from the bathrooms, throwing his arms around Ryan and I hold back a disapproving glare as he kisses his beautiful, chiseled cheek. Gabe wolf whistles at him, looking him up and down and within a second Ryan is in my friends face, fists tight. 
“Dont. William is mine and one more derogatory noise from your mouth around him and you’re out. You here me? Out from here and every other gay bar in the area. And you won’t be back.” He all but snarls as he pulls away, tugging Will with him as they walk to the VIP area, he turns back to give me a little grin. What a fucking mindfuck. “Asshole…” Gabe whispers, too quiet for anyone except us to hear as he watches Ryan and William walk up the stairs to the VIP area and slip into one of the booths, a curtain covering them. Gabe’s pride is clearly knocked but he gets over it, chanting ‘shots’ and clapping to the music, soon distracted by a pretty shot boy carrying alcohol on a tray and handing them out. I take one. It burns. I use the drink Ryan got me to chase it. * * * 3am. We’re singing and swaying and I can’t get him out of my mind. I want to dislike him with everything in me but I can’t. I’m just intrigued, I want to know more. His honey-coloured eyes burn into my brain and shit, I don’t think I’ll ever rid the memory of them. He was wearing eyeliner, it made him look even more feminine which is really sexy combined with that arrogant, masculine persona he carries. The glow of neon is hurting my eyes in the best way when I tell my friends I’m going to the bathroom and I’ll be right back. I don’t realise that I’m being followed. I don’t need the toilet, I’m just a sweaty dude right now and I need to dab my face, I grab some tissues and pat them over my skin, looking at myself in the mirror. Another body presses behind me and I freeze. The face that hooks over my shoulder is familiar and some large hands are holding my hips. 
“Fancy seeing you here…” I gulp, eyes meeting Ryan’s gorgeous honey dripped ones in the mirror. Kill me now. I can’t take this. He’s watching his hands work over my hips and he seems to like the sight. I want him to bend me over the sink and fuck me right in front of the large mirror, right here, where anyone could walk in and catch us. I wonder if he could even get in trouble for that, by the sounds he couldn’t get in trouble for anything. Apparently he can because he immediately lets go of my hips and backs off when he hears the door open and he gives me a look that says ‘maybe next time…’ before slipping away again. He always slips away. I walk back out and Dallon's grinning at me when I come over to them. 
“He’s the guy, isn’t he? The one you won’t stop talking about. Golly, B, you’re like a lovesick puppy around him… don’t let him hurt you, okay? I don’t wanna have to pick up any pieces…” I cut his babbling off with a sharp tone. “I’m not! I don’t care about Ryan fuckin’ Ross and his too good for everyone attitude. I’m not going to be another tick on his “to do” list.” I sigh, rubbing his arm as I didn’t mean to shout. I just. I’m not. I’m not easy and I can’t be bought with drinks and sexy looks. “Sorry. Maybe we should go.” I don’t want to, the more drunk I get, the more I want to stay and gaze at Ryan but when I see him with his tongue down Williams throat and begin to imagine that it’s me… I decide that leaving probably was the better idea. We walk. Stumble… home.

#ryden #brallon #brendon urie #dallon weekes #fanfiction #ryan ross #patd #velveteen ships