#so like. im happier than ive been in a long time. maybe ever. but im still not Happy. im still so desperatelt lonely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rubberhoze · 8 months

Text

ive had thoughts abt this for a while now and i guess im finally voicing this but

for so many years before i had so many concepts and ideas and aus for like toon content (yknow me yknow this blog) but what i did ever end up posting was a very very small fraction of the ideas i did have. like i was very inspired in that time and i was always thinking of like neat concepts and ideas but because i was so afraid of backlash or people thinking im weird or """cringe""" or taking toon content too seriously i never ended up posting those ideas (and the stuff i did post was once again a very small fraction of all of it) and they ended up forgotten in the many many folders i have on my computer.

once in a while ill go through and look at my old art that ive saved over the years and ill think like.. damn!! this rules!! why didnt i ever share this!! and i guess in theory i Can still share those but because of both memory issues and also loss of interest i wouldnt really be able to tell you about all the neat little concepts i had in my head in that time, not the way i could have back then. and its just a shame yknow?

i really wish that back then i had the confidence to really express myself and my ideas through my art (i did do that back then and i also do now but i know i also had So much more back then that i never showed) and on that note i really wish that during that time on the internet people hadnt gotten so hostile to like.. genuinity and all that you know? sincerity? i feel like its gotten a little bit better since then (or maybe i just curate my stuff better lol) i do see many artists express themselves they really want to which is honestly different to the things i saw back in the mid-late 2010's. everyone was so full of irony back then (and theres still a lot of irony-poisoned people to this day BUT I DIGRESS) and im just so tired of that

id rather be genuine and sincere even if it means that ill be like cringe or embarassing or whatever. who cares!! sure peggle make phone calls who gives a shit anymore!! im tired of being afraid of the reception i will get if i post the content that i really truly feel something towards, even if its something like a silly au or whatever, if it makes me happy i should be able to post it to my own damn blog without being afraid of what responses i will get

overall i really regret not posting things that even if they were silly they Did make me happy back then or brought me comfort or anything. maybe other artists feel different about this but i really wish i had posted more of just whatever i wanted!! maybe if i did i probably would have been a little embarassed but i feel i wouldve been happier still than not sharing anything at all

so if you see this post and maybe youre afraid of the same things i did back then, take this as a sign to let loose and do whatever the hell you want. as long as youre not harming anyone and you just want to have fun then you can use your blog however you like. and if anyone harasses you or bothers you or questions you about it ill bite their head off ok? im cheering you on forever 👍

#sorry for the long post i suddenly started thinking abt this again #my interests have shifted the past few years (hence the inactivity)#but i do hope when i come back to it i can post my old content :)!#txt #i hope this is coherent also. its 8 am and i only had 4 hours of sleep LOL

35 notes · View notes

transgender-png · 7 months

Text

i didn't wanna tack this on my last reblog bc its so long and i didnt wanna take away from ranboos speech either but. theres some specific parts my brain has latched on to from that.

first off being bazoingas, them acknowledging how busty their vtuber and people's art of them was hilarious. i love seeing him explore his identity more, i love that he's comfortable enough to do that. it gives me hope and courage to do the same, and i see a lot of myself in ranboo in terms of gender identity and expression. and something about the phrase "young queer kid" and how we helped that queer kid makes my heart sing. like. they were a young queer kid. they were scared at one point. just like me. just like a lot of us. but if he can make it this far, maybe we can too

and although the whole thing is mostly addressing what the community has been doing wrong recently, i melted when he mentioned how much he appreciates us. bAcK iN tHe dAy, before live streaming and especially twitch became so popular, there was always such a big barrier between the content creator and their audience. you knew your favourite CC appreciated you, sure, but you were always aware of that barrier and how it would always be there. now tho, for better or for worse (thafs a different topic that im too migrainey to tackle rn) that barrier has become a little.. transparent? i guess? it's more like glass now. it's still there, and you're still aware of it, but it has become so much easier to make a real connection with your audience as a creator, and vice versa.

seeing ranboo talk about how he has fun with chat and appreciates us.. it makes me happier than i can accurately describe. ranboo always seems genuinely excited to meet fans and is so active in their own community. it's one of the things about them that charmed me when i was first getting into their content, is how much they clearly loved their community.

but it also makes me sad how much he's been having to correct the community lately. i wont pretend im not part of that issue at all, bc im not perfect and ive definitely broken a rule or two or crossed a boundary once, intentional or not.

but ive been stepping away from ranboos content recently. part of it was not being into their new content as much, as im not a huge fan of horror (but that has been steadily changing for me) but a lot of it was the community. ive watched a lot of great fandoms and communities go sour because people cared too much about the wrong things. i don't want that to happen to something/one that has helped me so much.

but i don't want to end this on a bad note. one of my favourite parts of being a boober is the community (and the name). ranboo fans are some of the most creative, supportive, passionate (even if the passion is misplaced) and welcoming people ive met. even though its easy to forget, especially with what's been going on lately, i try to remind myself and others that there are good people in this community. they can be funny and witty and talented and inventive and observant and so many other things!! this community is filled with good people!!

and at the end of the day, we're qll here for more or less the same reason.

we like ranboo. we enjoy his content and his personality. for a lot of us, ranboo has helped us through some dark times, and led us to make some great friends. some of us are here from the old enderian-platonic-husband days and some of us are here from generation loss and some of us are here for the variety horror games and some of us are just here for minecraft content and a million other reasons. ranboo has charmed their way into the jearts of me and many others. some of us consider finding ranboo to be one of the best things to ever happen to us.

ive never been good at wrapping up these things but ig ill end with. remember where we all came from, and why we're all here.

whether you're a long term fan, a new boober, or have stepped away as the content has shifted, we all were impacted in some way, hopefully positive, by this creator. he's helped a lot kf us, whether it's with mental health, starting our own content creation journeys, inspiring us to make art or mess around with how we present ourselves, or just made us laugh with their jokes and offhand comments, we're all here because of ranboo.

and idk about you, but the fact that so many people can and do come together all because of one person.. that's pretty fucking beautiful to me.

basically, live, laugh, love ranboo. <3

#ranboo #ranboolive #generation loss #gen loss #boober #bazoingas had me wheezing tho #love how artists have been making ranboo sluttier every day (/pos)#all the while hes holding popcorn and clapping #it's great #i love ranboo

19 notes · View notes

vaultscavver · 7 months

Text

wasteland, baby!

falloutober day one: WAR NEVER CHANGES. 2k / ( eventual sole survivor x hancock x maccready )

a/n: thank you @falloutober for the amazing october word prompts! ive been excited about this challenge for months, and ive already plotted out an entire series to work with falloutober that im super excited to share! so, without further ado, welcome to my pet project, “wasteland, baby!”

xx, scavver

SYNOPSIS — A nuclear apocalypse should have been the end of the world in 2077. But two hundred and ten years later, humanity is still clawing at the brink of survival, scraping instinct from underneath their fingernails and wiping irradiated sweat from wasteland-marred foreheads. The year is now 2287; natural resources have mutated, people are as irrational as ever, and a pre-war vault dweller emerges from a pod in which she had been frozen for the last two centuries. The Sole Survivor of Vault 111 has hell to pay, and who better to join her pursuit of revenge than a red-coated ghoul mayor searching for a purpose and a gunslinging sharpshooter with too many debts to pay?

─ ─── ──── ─── ♠ ─── ──── ─── ─

The world ended in 2077.

It wasn’t a surprise for anyone. Nothing lasts forever.

There’s always an end, a lowering of a pencil after tracing a careful circle. There are preserved pieces of time frozen on display for people to reminisce about. But when something expires past it's intended use, does it count as dead? Is it really lasting if it's pointless? Does something need to have a purpose to be alive or has humanity just been trained to believe so?

Watching the orange skies darken with the mushroom clouds of a nuclear war, Eleanor Mercer couldn’t help but feel expired. She held her five-month-old son in her arms as the elevator lowered them into the ground, where Vault 111 would save them from the war waging above ground.

She had only been granted the elite spot in the Vault because her late husband, Nathaniel Mercer, had died on duty and granting Nora a place in the Vault was the government’s way of compensation.

Never mind that Nora could scarcely afford their suburban lifestyle on her own, or that their infant son was now fatherless.

She had planned to move back in with her parents in the country, maybe go back to medical school, try to build a happier future for her son.

The large elevator doors closed with a resounding slam.

Her neighbors, an assortment of military personnel and government officials, were crying and holding onto each other as they descended. Nora barely recognized any of them, and now they had to hide away in a Vault together for who even knows how long.

Expired. Gone. Over.

Nora’s tongue tasted metallic, adrenaline postponing a complete breakdown. Was that it? Was it all worth nothing? Their entire lives, just… blown up?

Selfishly, she thought about the boxes in her living room that were still half-packed, full of treasures and knick-knacks that she wished she had taken with her. Books, pillows, Nate’s guitar, her son’s favorite blanket. Maybe some onesies, or at least diapers, for her baby — her baby who was squealing, gurgling as he cried into her chest.

Snapping into focus, Nora readjusted her hold on him, quietly soothing his cries and rubbing her palm over his back in an effort to comfort the infant. Slowly, just as slow as their descending elevator, his whining lulled and his eyes closed, half-asleep against his mom’s shoulder, unaware of the uncertainty in the world.

This didn’t feel like an ending. It felt like it could be an ending. It was a semicolon; a sentence that is pulled longer than it should have, words added on and on and layered atop one another, when in reality, Nora wasn’t completely sure any of it was worth writing at all.

To Nora, the world had ended just as it started; with a bang, a flash, and a deep-rooted emotional scar that would last eternities.

The elevator stopped; the first family out were the Russos, with their small crowd of children. Mrs. Russo found the Vault Overseer and was immediately demanding to contact their in-laws to see who survived, while Mr. Russo tried to herd their kids into following the orders of the Vault Technicians.

Other families were smaller and quieter, following instructions without question. Nora followed close behind neighbors whose names she didn’t know, at the rear of the group, heading through the Vault’s entryway and into a room lined with pods that reminded Nora of small spacecrafts.

This room was significantly colder than the entryway, and the baby started to cry again.

Kissing his forehead and rocking him gently, Nora trembled, struggling to keep calm. "It's okay, sweetheart. Mommy's here, see? We'll all be okay. We’ll all be okay.”

No matter how many times she repeated the words, she couldn’t convince herself.

Glancing around at the lines of pods they were told they would be decontaminated in before moving to the deeper sections of Vault 111, Nora couldn't help but wonder if "okay" was the same word as before.

Next to them, a Vault Tech Doctor cleared his throat, stepping forward with a fake smile. "Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Mercer... But it's vital that you put on your new Vault Suit. And, please, step in here..." He gestured to the pod to Nora's left and she nodded once, absently.

The doctor gave her a folded pile of clothes and moved on, giving the same pile to all the other residents that had been able to enter the Vault.

The jumpsuit was a slick and heavy material that stretched easily in her hands, smelling like disinfectant. The whole Vault reeked of a hospital, actually — the metallic white walls were crisp, bright orange railing blocking the mounds of wires and tech beside each pod. There was a loud ambient sound like an air conditioning system on full blast, but Nora couldn’t locate where it was coming from.

One of the neighbors whose name she didn’t know offered to hold the baby while Nora dressed into the blue jumpsuit, prepping for decontamination in the pod.

"He'll be okay, right?" Nora asked the doctor as she took the baby back, shifting uncomfortably in the skin-tight suit, "The, uh, the cleansing won't hurt him?"

"Not at all!" The doctor ushered them into the pod, "Vault Tech decontamination regimes are perfectly safe for both you and your little one. Now, take your time! We have all day."

Nora slid into the seat of her pod, resting her back against the soft pads, holding Shaun close. The door closed heavily, locking them in the pod.

Her throat started to close up, panic seizing at her chest, and she struggled to make herself breathe, to calm down, to be strong for her son.

"The pod will decontaminate and depressurize you before we head deeper into the Vault." The doctor's voice was robotic and altered as he spoke through the closed door, pressing buttons on the side of the pod. He gave Nora another fake smile, "Just relax."

"Time for a whole new life." Nora murmured to the baby, once again rubbing his back soothingly.

She wondered about all the work they’d put into the things they surely lost; would her son be happy here? Did they have all of the materials and necessities to properly care for a baby? How long would they be there? Would her son grow up underground, learn to read here, learn to live here? Would he get a chance to pursue a life for himself? Or would they be mindless worker bees for the rest of their lives?

"Resident secure." The Vault 111 Computer spoke through speakers imbedded into the inside of the pod. "Occupant vitals: Normal. Procedure complete in five... four... three... two..."

Nora never got to hear the final number of the countdown. Frost arose on the inside of the pod, coating the glass and sending goosebumps rising on her arms as she panted, finding it difficult to breathe. Before she could even wonder what was going on, why it was suddenly so cold, her vision went white, and her body became stiff.

Her consciousness distorted, like she was balancing between sleep and awake, knowing only the foggy darkness of the freezing pod.

"Manual Override Initiated." The computer's voice spoke again, and Nora gasped as feeling returned to her fingers and nose. Was that it? Was she pressurized and ready for her new life at Vault 111? Why was it so cold? "Cryogenic stasis completed."

Panting, Nora struggled to move her arms, to lift the baby and check on him, but she felt so... stiff... heavy... like her entire body was asleep... she could hardly breathe, hardly move, hardly see... Her vision slowly came back in, blurry and distorted, but good enough to see two mysterious figures approaching her pod.

"This is the one," a woman's voice spoke out of a hazmat suit, pointing towards them. "Right here!"

Were they worried about the baby? Where was the doctor?

The second figure was a man wearing a brown leather jacket and biker pants, with odd straps crossing over his chest and back, adorned with so many weapons it was hard for Nora to even name them all. He had a pistol in his right hand, and his left hand flexed at the holster on his hip. He examined the pod, then turned to the woman. "Well? Open it."

Pressing a few buttons, the woman released the locks on the pod, opening the wide door. Steam rolled out Nora was sent into an immediate coughing fit, holding her son tightly against her chest. He was crying again, screaming against her jumpsuit, and she could barely move well enough to soothe him.

Continuing to cough, her voice ragged and hoarse, she looked wide-eyed between the two mysterious figures, her eyebrows drawn. “Is… is it over? Are we okay?”

“Almost.” The leather-clad man stepped forward; hands braced against her shoulder to keep her from stepping out of her pod. “Everything is going to be fine.”

The woman in the hazmat suit approached cautiously, hands extended. “It’s okay, hon. Just give me the baby.”

“What?” Nora croaked, wheezing, holding her son tighter. “No, I’ve got him.”

"Just give him to me." The woman coaxed softly, wrapping her gloved hands around the baby’s middle. "Everything will be okay, just hand him over."

"No, wait — No!" Her protective fury took over as she gripped her son tighter, struggling against the woman’s advances.

"Let the boy go." The man said, and as Nora turned, she met the barrel of a gun, inches from her eyes. "I'm only going to tell you once."

As Nora and the hazmat-wearing woman struggled over the baby, his cries increased in volume. The leather-bound man growled loudly, grunting out another warning.

A gunshot rang out.

Pain like nothing Nora knew swarmed her body, her vision going dark with it.

Her arms slacked and the hazmat-wearing woman stumbled back, holding the baby, ignoring his screams.

Nora had screamed, too, she realized only after she went quiet, her frozen hand palming at the bleeding wound in her shoulder.

"Damn it." The man put his gun away, shaking his head. He whirled murderously around to the woman, who coward before him. "Get the kid out of here. Go!" The woman turned without question, fleeing out of Nora's line of sight.

This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real.

Bleeding, frozen, in a pain like none other, Nora tried to heave herself from her pod, to follow the woman, to get her baby — but the man easily pushed her back against the cushion of the pod, putting his gun away.

He wore a frown, a deep one that carved long lines into his gaunt, pale face. A scar ran over his left eye, marring deep into the flesh, his icy blue eyes ringed in a sleepless red. He gave her a sadistic smile that looked closer to a grimace, “At least we’ve still got the backup.”

And he closed the pod door, sealing her in again.

Nora pounded on her glass as he walked away, trying to scream again, but her voice wouldn't work. Blood ran heavily down her arm, dripping from her fingertips.

The Vault Tech Computer rang again, "Cryogenic Sequence Reinitialized."

Nora's vision went white once more.

Pain thrummed through her, and for a long while, it was all that she could feel. Pain and impossible cold, so freezing that it burned.

"Critical failure in Cryogenic Array. All Vault residents must evacuate immediately."

Gasping and coughing, a sudden heat rushed through her, loud alarms filling reverberating around the metal room as her pod door was unlocked and released, opening too quickly for her to brace herself. She fell forward, hands and knees on the ground, heaving and shivering and panting as she tried to catch her breath.

She barely registered the flashing orange lights and trilling alarms filling the Vault as she tried to stand, only to stumble back to the ground, shaking violently. Her body still felt frozen. She fell limp against the Vault’s cold, dusty floor.

Even unconscious, Nora kept shivering; two hundred years was a long time to be frozen, after all.

#falloutober2023 #fo4 #fallout 4 #sole survivor #rj maccready #john hancock #sole x hancock x maccready #fo4 companions #fallout 4 companions #scavver #wasteland baby #fallout 4 john hancock #fallout 4 maccready #scavver writes

17 notes · View notes

mrangeldevil · 2 years

Text

apparently my thing is internet culture now sooo fuck it heres some more of my thoughts

emoticons vs the 2020s... complete lack of emoticons

emoticons are an extremely vital part of internet culture, ever since computers were even a thing! the first substantiated instance of an emoticon was used on a forum back in 1982, featuring the :-) face

now its not that theyre completely phased out, thatd be very hard to do as everyone almost universally uses :), :D or :-) to communicate happiness; but the use of them and their variations were much more heavily used until the 2020s. nowadays its pretty rare to see someone use XD, O-O or the accursed owo; but why is that? if we’ve used these emoticons for so long then why in the world did most people stop using them?

well, i have a personal theory. there is no pure evidence other than trends ive noticed as the internet has progressed, so take this with a grain of salt.

i think its because of cringe culture. emoticons were heavily associated with geeks and, in particular, scene culture and during the mid-late 2010s seeing cringe compilations of kids who participated in nerd culture was a gateway to cyberbullying and as the internet grew, it switched from being an escape for geeks & nerds to every day life where they are bullied for their interests and hobbies. on top of that, when 2020 hit everyone was in a deep depression and many parts of the internet were and are just people yelling or fighting eachother.

its a bit hard to notice over here on tumblr but if you just check out whats happening on other sites, its all constant infighting and cyberbullying people who dont fit the “status quo” which has resulted in many people dropping emoticons as a whole because emoticons are meant to be silly & fun and are heavily associated with geek culture which doesnt fit at all with the kind of mentality most people online have anymore.

i remember reading some type of article or retrospective about how different the mentalities of the 2000s-2010s vs the 2020s were and this is a pretty good example: back in the early 2010s, the buzzwords were YOLO, epic, awesome and swag, all words pertaining to fun and joy, whereas the current buzzwords of 2022 are gaslighting, infodumping (it isnt negative in itself but a lot of people use it as a synonym for venting nowadays) and grooming. stark difference isnt it? and emoticons like @-@ really dont fit the grim tone the 2020s seem to be stuck in for the time being.

now, luckily, emoticons seem to be receiving a revival via the scene revival (which makes sense since emoticons are vital to scene) and, in a weird way i think the revival of emoticons shows an improvement of the internet’s outlook. emoticons are meant to show your emotions, and a lot of people have been stuck feeling emotionally stunted due to how depressing this decade has started so seeing people use them once again is a good thing. it means that people are learning how to have fun again and a very good way to help improve moral and making you happy might just be a funny little face on a computer screen

maybe im overanalyzing it but hey, try out using some emoticons, it might just make you feel a little happier about yourself ^-^

#linguistics #internet linguistics #internet culture #emoticons

63 notes · View notes

bebx · 8 months

Note

hi im so sorry but i need to get this off my chest and i cant talk to my friends about it because its so embarrassing and ive talked about it PLENTY

but anyway long story short i was dating someone, we have a weird history dating wise & have been best friends for 3+ years before that all started. literally three weeks ago we decided to be exclusive, on friday i found out that the day before, he kissed another girl IN PUBLIC. i know that girl, they've hooked up before (when i was also hooking up with him but it wasn't anything really and i didn't actually know for sure if they were hooking up (they were)). so we called it quits.

i still spent the weekend bc i'm weak and all i want is him. he said he never felt a connection like this with anyone, he said he loved me and he said he was sorry a hundred times..... he said it would take a long time before he'd feel 'normal' about me. we were both emotional when i left, and since then i havent really stopped crying lol

AND NOW. i dont know if im just driving myself crazy but i feel like he's (still) (again?) talking to that one girl and it would make sense because he basically cheated on me not even a week ago so why wouldnt he do this now??? but. it feels too cruel. but maybe thats just who he is.

god i hate this so much he drives me completely mad im stalking his every move and every time i see something that even slightly hints at my suspicions i get so ill and it makes me wanna kms. i just wanna feel normal i hate that he did this to me i miss him so bad. i know we literally shouldn't ever get back together again because this is just a fraction of the shit thats happened in the past 10 months, BUT I ONLY WANT HIM. and i feel like we're soulmates. BYEEEEE this is so humiliating. im so tired i just want it to end

hugging you so tight right now, anon!!! 🩷🩷🩷 so sorry you have to go through something like this. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because each person experiences this type of pain differently, but I do know it just super sucks when the person who hurts us and the person we want to hate turns out to be the one we love the most. sometimes our hearts can be stubborn just like that (it all would’ve been so easy if we could convince ourselves to stop caring and to being able to fully hate them and moving on, but it’s never that easy, sadly). I can’t tell you what to do or how to react to the pain you feel, but know that your pain is valid and how you feel / how you react / how you cope with that pain, that’s valid too. and you are not weak for being hurt when someone wronged you, especially when it’s someone you trusted. I know this is cliche and is so much easier said than done, but please also be kind to yourself, above anything else. that boy and the girl he cheated on you with, they don’t deserve you. they lost you, not the other way around. think of this as an opportunity for you to open yourself to someone else who truly loves and values you, whether it be romantically or platonically. I know right now you just want him, but if the wrong person can make you love him this bad, imagine how much happier you’ll be when you finally find the right one who can make you love them the same way you loved him, if not more, the only difference is that they won’t break your heart. and you deserve to be happy. that someone is out there, and I truly believe you both will find each other when the time is right. but for now, try loving and being gentle to yourself even if it’s hard (I know it can be hard, but at least give it a try), the best revenge is to prove to them that you don’t need them to be happy and that you can heal from this and thrive without them in your life. doesn’t matter how long it takes, but you will get there one day, and you will look back and be so damn proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. because hey, look at you, you are still here, and for that, I am so damn proud of you!!

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be completely broken, because the thing about crying and being broken is that it’s not permanent, even if it feels like it right now.

and by the way, the ones who should feel humiliated are him and that girl, not you. screw it if they deserve each other. YOU deserve so much better than that anyway.

#my inbox is open

13 notes · View notes

magical-agatha · 2 years

Text

i have a big complicated thought about myself im trying to capture and crystallise in text. i think for me, using tumblr means ive failed to find a better use of my time. i think tumblr can be fine for other people, tho it definitely has detrimental effects on some ppl. for me tho, since i took that extended break from social media i put an enormous amount of effort into finding more fulfilling and personally productive ways of using the time i used to use to browse tumblr. and i was actually hugely successful. ive made more art recently than ever. I've gotten better at trying new things and pushing myself and self motivation. better at waiting and patience and maybe even at focusing. i feel like ive been tackling my adhd and my tendency to waste time and procrastinate head on and winning dramatically. but the last few days ive been falling apart mentally. i spent like. 3 or 4 hours today staring at my phone and doing unproductive and like, mentally unhelpful things. wasting time. stuff thats harmless for other ppl but harmful for me. im happier when i dont spend hours each day staring at my phone. so i feel like I've failed myself.

the reality is that im in a huge slump. im sick, sleep deprived, and my hormone schedule has been upset. im on a different dose and different kind of hormone and the change is rly hurting me. waiting to see if ill stabilise after a couple weeks, bc this new hormone situation is way way cheaper. if my mental wellbeing doesn't improve in two weeks im switching back to what i was on before bc losing the feeling of triumph and confidence and control and understanding of myself that i had cultivated is a kind of torture and i really dont think i can bear it for very long.

i have been rly stroppy with the ppl around me and i am acutely aware of how out of control and chaotic my emotions are. hoping sleep and time will remedy that problem.

i know that i need to be patient but i am beyond sick of waiting. i was starting to get my life together and it feels like it's slipped out of my hands. i know i can get back to where i was but its not fair that i have to wait and fight and work to pull myself back together again.

i spent years and years with this website being an escape from real life and my primary means of socialisation. so i can't help but see it as a kind of mental trap now. i refuse to scroll listlessly and melt my brain like this again its so incredibly bad for me now.

i should like. delete my blog or log out or something but i cant delete my blog bc archival is a necessity, and i don't want to be excluded from my social circle sharing posts on discord. so idk ill just practice self control.

this is like. purely a me thing. tumblr is bad for me and im not commenting on anyone else pls dont misunderstand.

#hashtag blogging with aggy

9 notes · View notes

daedalusdavinci · 1 year

Note

📓

Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.

ive spent a lot of time recently trying to remember the hs fics i always dreamed id write one day, but lost motivation for before i ever could. i feel like i used to have endless inspiration and i guess im hoping reflecting on that will help me reconnect with it now

i think i wanted to write a collegestuck fic, where dave and sollux were roommates and dave had a shitty job at a coffeeshop and that he swore was basically step one to becoming a dj because they had live music sometimes and thats *almost* a club (but he doesnt want to be a dj, bro was a dj, hes studying archaeology and hes never been happier and he spends too many hours bent over textbooks in the library with aradia just because he loves it, its everything he wanted when he was a kid and it feels like freedom in his hands, but jade asks him what he wants to be and he says the sickest dj there is, and college is just to tide him over until then, and john asks him what he wants to be and he says a director, so he can make movies even shittier than johns dumbass favorites, and rose asks him what he wants to be and he says solluxs sugar baby, because if you dont admit you want something its harder for people to take it from you)

i dont know what the ship wouldve been, im sure there were times where i was full on applebee2 to the end and times where it wouldve been dvekat and so on and so forth, but i know that dave moved across several states so he could go to school with his friends and i know that he and sollux were assigned to the same dorm and get along in the way that only two irritating nerdboys confined to one room can (which is to say that theyre besties and also they hate each other), because i feel very passionately about sollux and dave being friends just as much as dave and aradia being friends.

i think it would be funny if eridan was studying abroad and was one of those annoying europeans that cant go ten seconds without shitting on america (why are you here then, karkat asks him every ten seconds) and was generally just. literally so insufferable but also had no real idea what he wanted to do w his life so he was just majoring in business even tho he hated it (he switches to history, eventually, and is much happier for it), and i think he studies at daves coffeeshop and gets the kind of coffee that makes dave think hes a pretentious hipster (he is), only he doesnt actually do a lot of studying at all and spends most of his time checking out dave bc hes stupid, and instead of flirting with him he insults him constantly, bc hes stupid. dave literally hates him.

on the side i think id want to spend some time exploring dave reconnecting with rose as long lost siblings and john and jade navigating that weird space of "okay ive known you online forever but this is what knowing you in real life is like huh". i think id go jadrose for this au and emphasize jade having a very complicated relationship with romance bc who am i if i dont make someone aspec. john burns out bad towards the end of their first year and is in his depression era

but yeah. all that, i guess. i came up w a lot of ideas for college aus when i was finishing up community college bc i was so excited to get out and go to uni and so theres a lot of like, idea scraps floating around and maybe someday id like to do something with that, especially now that ive gone to uni and know what its actually like

#roomfulloferidans #asks #my fics #ig #itd probably be erdave bc ofc it would be bc theyre sooo funny #but mostly its about dave to me bc everything is about dave to me bc hes my little guy

2 notes · View notes

kingmaximusboltagon · 2 years

Text

and back to the character dynamics, i really like how the show implies maximus was close with practically all of his family at one point

it never really hints at bolt and max being antagonistic prior to terrigenisis (in fact most of their flashbacks make it appear as if maximus is just upset about not getting to be king, but he doesnt seem to blame bolt for this in any particular way), and in the post-terrigenisis flashbacks, bolt seems distraught over maximus' anger. but then again, they must not have fought significantly over it, as maximus did wait a hell of a long time to put that coup plan into motion. part of him must have hoped bolt would listen to him. and he does go into the quiet room in that one flashback, and why would he have done that, other than to talk to bolt? im dying on this hill !!!

and beyond that, he outright says that he and medusa used to be good friends. medusa denies this, but like, why would maximus just make up their history directly to her and her alone? if he were lying, obviously medusa would know? so i think its more of a matter of medusa and max having a falling out that she doesnt want to dwell on, than them geniuenly not having been close ever. and later on, medusa continues to try to convince maximus to stand down, which very much could be because they were friends, and like bolt, medusa thinks theres still some of that pre-terrigenisis maximus in there somewhere.

for triton, while he very much could have been trying to manipulate them, during the "death reveal" at dinner, maximus does seem at least somewhat upset. i mean,

are these really the expressions of a guy thinking "wow, ive made a good call on this one, that guy deserved it!"? and when he walks off, he seems disappointed that bolt still refuses to take him seriously, and that he doesn't even accept triton as dead. later on, when triton comes back, maximus seems shocked, and at one point claims triton must have been happier on earth where he had access to water. in the comics, maximus also builds triton his suit that lets him breathe without being in water, and although triton's need for water doesnt seem to exist in the show version, i still think its worth mentioning. considering maximus wants to help attilan's citizens, i cant imagine he doesnt extend that idea to his family at all.

gorgon and karnak trained maximus to fight, and though i dont think it's ever mentioned who's idea it was, none of them suggest bolt made the decision, so for all we know, gorgon and karnak wanted to train him. gorgon says its so that maximus can defend himself, should nobody be there to help him. why go through the trouble to do that for someone you dont like and think is evil? during the coup, maximus also doesnt tell his guards to outright kill the two of them, and to just capture them if they can. there has to be some level of "he'll change" going on in their heads!!

after gorgon's "death", maximus behaves similarly to how he did was he thought triton was dead. he even holds a speech, where he goes on for a significant amount of time on how gorgon, and by extension his entire family, never accepted him or tried to make ammends. i dont believe this is him trying to manipulate the crowd, because maximus brings this up consistently throughout the series. i think he's actually upset in this scene, that he never managed to convince gorgon to stop being an ass, that his cousin always seemed to think of him as weak. when maximus says he tried his best, he genuinely believes it's true.

im pretty sure he and karnak get the least development or hinted at relationship when it comes to maximus and the others. other than family scenes, he and karnak never really appear on screen together. maximus asks him if he knew about triton being sent to earth, and during the training flashback, karnak compliments him on his strategy, and tells gorgon that maximus was just doing exactly as he was told. karnak is maybe the least against the move to earth, as i dont recall him ever saying they shouldn't, and i dont think he ever really has any arguments with maximus about it, nor does he act cruel for max's lack of powers, iirc. considering karnak has gorgon go through a second terrigenisis makes me think he may have supported maximus in that regard as well, if it meant maximus standing down. there arent really any implications he and karnak were on bad terms, though!

maximus and crystal are especially interesting to me, because i dont think he ever suggests killing her, making her the only family member he doesnt try to kill nor exile. however, like gorgon, crystal seems pretty spiteful towards him. to be fair, he did attempt murder on her entire family! crystal only appears in one flashback scene, iirc, and its with medusa, so theres not really any insight on her relationship with anybody when she was younger. but based on how maximus treats her, and the complete lack of danger he ever seems to put her in, i think he sees her as a younger sister. he definitely still thinks of her as a kid, anyways. i think its fun to imagine this is him trying to be more like blackagar, as always - he thinks of himself as the older brother, the king, telling the next in line what they should and shouldn't do. he keeps crystal locked in her room, as bolt kept himself locked away. even when crystal openly opposes him to the public, maximus still doesnt seem that angry, as its the same thing maximus was always doing to his brother. he wants to try to have a normal sibling relationship with crystal, but it crumbles apart the exact same way, so maximus lets her run away to earth.

and he has absolutely no scenes with lockjaw. i dont think he even stands in the same room as lockjaw more than three times, and theyre never shown on screen together other than... maybe when lockjaw teleports bb to earth? i guess he doesnt try to kill lockjaw, either. i cant imagine he has any quarrels with the dog. and lockjaw is a big baby that does nothing but be adorable in this series, so i cant imagine lockjaw takes maximus' coup personally.

#the show does a lot w them considering the short amount of time most of them get with maximus!#crysyal and medusa get a good amount of stuff built in #i do wish karnak and triton had some time together. i dont think they get a single scene together which is so sad!!!#but to be fair triton doesnt get a lot of scenes with literally anyone #overall tho like. theres a lot of good characterization that even the comics dont tend to get into #imagine if there was a season two and there was actually time to develop these relationships EVEN MORE!!#kevin fiege PLEASE. let them come home. give them another comic or SOMETHING.#blackagar boltagon #maximus boltagon #medusalith amaquelin #gorgon petragon #lockjaw inhumans #royal family #inhumans #undescribed #crystalia amaquelin #karnak mander-azur #triton mander-azur

5 notes · View notes

theblazewolf · 4 months

Text

everyone wins and loses. its a fact of life.

but its been a tough ride this 2023 and it actually drains me to make a retrospective.

yes, looking at the good stuff objectively, ive done more than i couldve asked for. for the life of me i still dont know how i got more than a thousand likes on two paintings i didnt think would ever get seen. (simply proves to me that sometimes, social media is mainly RNG in disguise)

ive managed to maintain a consistent schedule of posting art; any art. quality may vary but that can be sorted in the near future. also ended up setting up a condo unit, drove by myself for the first time, attended my first furry convention since the pandemic.

once, for once, i was happier than ever being by myself. all that time alone was what i needed.

and im currently making a zine, and maybe other projects beyond that.

all things being objective, it was a good year.

i cannot forget the ones ive lost; the ones whose loss shaded this year.

my ex, my best friend, who i had to cut ties with, admittedly the source of my melancholy, drunken texts, and attempts at being civil, deep inside i find myself yearning for those days when it was okay for us to be idiots at 3am talking about dumb shit. but you find yourself watching the ties you set up slowly deteriorate, and nothing you do can fix it. seven years were way too long somehow. i still see them, but i know enough just to be civil, or to talk whenever youre needed.

my uncle, my mom’s older brother. my heart still breaks knowing he suffered a long illness. while we try to sing songs that he loved, we know the bitter taste of loss that cant be washed away in an instant. he was a staple at many parties that will never be the same again. i wish he saw his daughter graduate, or enter law school. i wish he lived long enough to be free of pain for just one day.

and my good friend, my fellow cities skylines 2/mekanism enthusiast; one of my ardent supporters. the voice calls will always have an empty spot for you. i will never let your tragic end overshadow the texts we had. I will live till im 30, and beyond. ive said a lot about you since your passing. somehow i still wish i was there to let you know we love you so much. take your rest, and let us know you’re ok.

also honorable mentions to budding relationships i tried to build but failed, another commissioner of mine who passed this year in the same week as my uncle.

i cant leave this year without thanking others.

my close friends, for listening to me scream and yap for 24/7 with unfiltered blazethoughts, and also reciprocating by screaming and yapping for 24/7 about yalls respective thoughts. thats friendship thats unbreakable.

my server, for being equally insane. all you 90% filipino/10% other people are so insane for accepting my invite to come and see me talk about random shit that god can’t allow. im overreacting when i say god wont allow what i say. but having a bunch of furry pals in one area is a luxury.

my gw2 guild, BURN, for the endless voice chats, helping me sort through the grief, the support and all the insanity you allowed this little lonely disaster entertain. i know we lost a lot, but we have much more to live for together.

my follows who have grown a LOT this year. your support keeps me going through and through. i love you guys.

see you in 2024.

-blaze

#theblazewolfspeaks #happy new year

1 note · View note

keen-umbreon · 1 year

Text

yall i am craving some of the foods that my old partner from team plasma made me all the time and i am so tempted to try calling all his phone numbers and visiting his old haunts. he grew all his ingredients in this wonderful green house that he technically-illegally owned off the side of a route. so it wouldnt be the same from a store, i know cuz ive tried ones from stores or from other people.

i miss: his crispy fried soy curls with nutritional yeast and veggie seasoning. his black-bean brownies. his apricorn smoothies with spinach and bananas and lovingly picked berry combos. his home-made-go-meals of buns filled with seitan sausage and cheese substitute or my favorite berry chunks that he'd always have on days where we'd have a raid on a breeding mill. his little candies that he would shape almost like pokemon but theyd always be lopsided. the way he'd always be able to find some form of food that would work great with whatever tea id bring and wed have a short picnic before we got yelled at for absconding for too long. how hed laugh at my jokes even when they were drier than the desert resort and his laugh was this quiet chuckle but it made my world. his roast potatoes with a thick garlic-and-brown-sugar glaze. how we'd both work so well together like the faces of a klink. his little sitrus-and-pecha buns that hed give me to take home the days after we got into fights with each other over different opinions as an apology. how hed love everything i cooked for him back, teas and breads and over-dried fruit leather. how i eventually learned how to read his blank facial expressions clearer than anything and ive never been able to read a human face but i could read his. he understood me and i understood him.

i wonder if he'd hate me now. if he would punch me in the face like he did that one counter-protester at that gym rally. hed probably do worse to me. i wonder if he got out. as part of my parole, i cant contact anyone from plasma. i miss him so much, i feel like im half empty. he wouldnt recognize me, hed see me only as the enemy that we fought against for so long. i dont even recognize myself today. my hairs the wrong color, wrong length, my facial expressions all different, the way i interact with others all wrong, other people are all wrong, trainers and pokemon all wrong, food tastes wrong, im all wrong. im going to bed. maybe everything will feel right in the morning light. i miss feeling right. i miss the certainty. i miss him. damnit alum.

#ooc all the food is from meals ive made or have been made for me and i legit miss those foods but i can never make them right anymore

#ooc so i put that feeling into this and also the feeling of missing someone important and of not recognizing yourself in the mirror anymore

#ooc this is a recovery story similar to mine but hes still in the early stages in some ways

#ooc i had so many nights where id miss something little and then id miss something like the feeling of closeness and shared bond

#ooc and then id go from missing the friendly hugs to full blown wishing i could go back to it

#ooc its the worst feeling to realize that you cant EVER go back to how you were before

#ooc but i wouldnt change my current happiness for that bond ever im a lot better of a person and a lot happier without them

#pkmn oc #real pkmn #pkmn rp #pkmn irl #pokereality #pokeblr #pokeblogging #pokemon rp #pokemon irl #real pokemon #unreality #pokeblog rp #keen-umbreon #food #angst #ooc all the food is from meals ive made or have been made for me and i legit miss those foods but i can never make them right anymore #ooc so i put that feeling into this and also the feeling of missing someone important and of not recognizing yourself in the mirror anymore #ooc this is a recovery story similar to mine but hes still in the early stages in some ways #ooc i had so many nights where id miss something little and then id miss something like the feeling of closeness and shared bond #ooc and then id go from missing the friendly hugs to full blown wishing i could go back to it #ooc its the worst feeling to realize that you cant EVER go back to how you were before #ooc but i wouldnt change my current happiness for that bond ever im a lot better of a person and a lot happier without them #keen alum #keen lum

0 notes

hueningshaped · 2 years

Note

no because you definitely do have big brain energy!!!!! tumblr why do you hate seeing us happy and in love. "i only ever thought about replying to you and the joy i feel from communicating with u" literally cannot see through my tears why do you have to be so adorable☹️ a button? i mean you're definitely as cute as one😌 about hobbies,,, i used to draw quite a bit but i haven't done that in YEARSS, i feel like nowadays i don't really have anything i could call a hobby quite depressing tbh😐 what about you!!!! and omg stop i don't even really consume mbti content but whenever i come across something my type always gets dragged i love u😭😭 beffie we're in the same boat about astrology i am very bad at it i should be glad that i can name all signs atp🧎🏻 but i find it so interesting so i just got my chart calculated and read on one of those astrology sites online :D i'm a taurus so we're both earth signs😼 (whatever that signifies😭) ooooo another trip!!!! how long will you be gone for!!! as always i hope you have fun and stay healthy🫶🏻🫶🏻 omg i love both dogs and cats but i think i might like cats just a little bit, although i always feel like i'm at a job interview whenever i meet one because i've never had a pet so i get very nervous around them :/ what about you!! do you have a preference + do you have/have you ever had pets😸 that encore stage☹️☹️ one of the first txt vids i ever saw literally could already feel that i would not be able to let go of them anytime soon😵‍💫 AND THE COMPILATION NOOOO :( he is so very dear and precious to me head in hands here's something for u too!! he is gigantic with tiny behavior😞 you could never ever talk too much whenever i get a post notification from you i'm just 💓💘💗❤️🫶🏻 my entire day brightens up immediately!!!! also YES I SAW how did he change hair colors TWICE since my last ask😭 soobin said he will be bleaching it and i just need to know so bad,, my brain is itching for information😾 thank u for the beoms☹️☹️☹️ i always get so happy that you take the time to add some for me and i'm even happier that i get to do the same for you now since i finally managed to set up my new blog!!! - apple, formerly 🧃<3

there’s this movie i love and probably for the inside jokes that it gave me and my sibling but one of the lines is “…thank you. i love you. i knew it the minute i met you. sorry it took so long for me to catch up. i just got stuck…” and i think it really works for what i mean for you. sorry ive been so bad lately. you finally made ur blog and it’s so beautiful <3 of course it fits u so well ~ you’re AS CUTE — CUTER THAN A BUTTON!! honestly it’s hard to have time to do anything we all remotely like since life is so busy so i get u!! i don’t have any besides reading and music haha im boring as frick 🫶🏼 i love u ❤️‍🔥 earth signs woahhhhhh me trying to tie it to atla w/ my limited knowledge haha i just got back and i was driving for most of it 😵‍💫😵‍💫 hey i like cats just a bit more also hehe they’re more our temperament i think haha but AWWW that’s so cute (to me) that seeing one means a lot to you (in that sense) but i hope it’s not a bad nervous 🥺 i have 4 cats and 5 dogs but the cats are more mine rather than the dogs haha (we’re like an animal shelter 😭) i love my kitties more than anything !!!! OMG even though it was literaly 3 seconds THAT VIDEO IS SO PRECIOUS hyukaaaaaa ❤️ u know what’s sick i see ur notif (if tumblr actually does notify me) and i just think about it for a while and anxiously try to clear my schedule just to have a clear head when i do respond to you (it’s a habit ive noticed that applies to ppl i love) and it’s so odd so that’s to blame 😥 sorry im like this 🥺 AHHHH !! soobin never bleached haha but maybe he will for jpn and South Asia tour :0000 who knows hehe truthfully im happy and infinitely lucky you still talk to me ik im very frustrating 🥺 so thank you very very much. i sincerely hope you’re doing well and are safe and taking care, my dearest apple. you mean very much to me ~!!! ALSO THE PICS U ADDED ARE SO CUTE!!!!!!!! AHHHH some of my fav really 😽🥹 here are beoms and a song you remind me of even though i just cried to it dw 💓

#ask >3<#[❤️⭐️]—aquí te amo

0 notes

calsgotdepression · 2 years

Text

7/30/22

im a month out from surgery and im feeling a lot better but still feel hopeless. i love my family and my friends and i know they reciprocate but i have nothing i feel to really give them. i either feel too much or too little and never in the right times. im happier than ive ever been but without a goal to work towards now, i feel aimless. im going to college with tuition paid for but i dont want to go, and there’s nothing i want to do when im older. i never thought id live this long. the talents i do have are fairly meaningless and though i dont actively feel suicidal i cant help but feel my impending doom in the future. right now im fine. ill wake up tomorrow and go about my day and maybe even feel happy and pet my cat but i know eventually im going to be the one to take myself out. ive always felt this way. i wish i didnt feel so sad and so empty and so full all at once. i want to enjoy things but i want to stop eating. i want to adopt several cats but i dont want to take care of myself. im on meds, im doing fine, but jesus im sick of being tired all the time. i want to exercise but i cant take the step to get there. i want to brush my teeth but my sensory disorder makes me gag the second the paste touches my mouth. im tired of not being able to eat with my family or friends or around anyone or listen to any mouth noises at all without feeling so miserable and angry and would rather hurt myself no matter the consequence just to feel something other than the feeling i get when i hear those noises. i feel like i wasnt meant to live in this world. im here now but i feel out of place. i feel like i cant walk right anymore, one of my legs gives out a bit. im not ugly but im not attractive, i feel lovable and equally that i dont deserve to be loved and ill never find that love. i want a relationship but i dont. im terrified to walk alone on the sidewalk or even in a grocery store or anywhere. even with people i cant stand up straight and i feel everyones stares at me even if they dont. or maybe they do, i dont know. im not delusional anymore but there was something comforting about having a magical quality to life. the cons were many and i dont want to be like that again, but the delusions of grandieur made me feel like i was okay to exist in this world. like i could control the weather or had friends of higher powers than me and i felt special and important. now im just some guy and i wish i had never read those fucking fantasy books when i was younger because now im a disappointed adult who craves anything interesting. i dont actively do anything to put myself in harms way but i like it when im hurt, especially when you can see it as other people start to care then. even with people who care now with no questions asked i feel the need to show every scar and cut and bandage everything because ive got nothing else thats interesting about me. i like cats. i wasnt meant to live this long. i dont think ill ever find love in anyone romantically. i dont know if itd be better if i was dead or not but i know that the future holds me with a noose tied around my neck and it gets tighter every day. one day its going to choke me out of all my life and i know that. i dont know, im not omnipotent or omniscient whatever it is. i wish i believed in a god so that i felt comfort in dying knowing that id get to see the people i love and have loved again. i hope there is. i cry because people make art and care about each other and love each other and i want to hug every single person in the world but i cant. i cant even like myself.

1 note · View note

cheetee · 2 years

Note

this is literally so self indulgent and im a bit x: abt sending this but. very loose prompt: you mentioned a while ago that julieta could basically make hrt candy if someone needed it. maybe something with that? ive had this vague idea in my mind for a while now that like. julieta tries to help someone but they cant quite name what the problem is (whether bc they havent realised or bc theyre afraid of admitting it), and by chance bruno sees said person in a vision, but transiting and much happier, and the madrigals band together to help them.

altho i admit this isnt much of a story prompt as much as it is various headcanons self indulgent in a pile together haha

hope you get some good prompts tho!!

-♏ anon

Don't be embarassed, that's very sweet!!! I wasn't actually going to do any of these prompts today, but I really liked this, and I felt like it might mean something to somebody. Also, @wanderingstoryteller22 sent me this prompt earlier:

And it also falls into the remit of this story. This is a weird little story and with a very different feel to it... I claim not to be hugely into "You, the reader, are a character in the story" stuff, but I want THIS reader to be you. If you want it to be you. Because if you've ever wanted two fictional characters to validate your identity, then you deserve to have and live that as best you can. And if you want Julieta to trans your gender, you DESERVE to have Julieta trans your gender.

I didn't exactly follow the prompt as you laid it out (sorry!), but I hope you enjoy anyway.

Boccadillo (Or: What's in a Name?)

Mamá has been threatening to take you to Julieta Madrigal for years, but you're seventeen years old by the time she actually does it. She doesn't even wait for the line to ease up; she drags you there in front of God and everybody and names everything she wants fixed with you.

"It's true, isn't it, that your magic can fix minds?" insists your mother. "That it can change what someone thinks and says? You must do something. I only have one child. I want to be proud. You understand, don't you?"

The looks from the crowd are pitying. Even the people of the Encanto wince when your mother is like this, and they've had a long time to get used to her. Julieta Madrigal gives you a calculating look, blank and unreadable.

"Come and see me in private," she addresses you, then your mother: "Send your child alone. It cannot be done otherwise."

Mamá doesn't like that, it's clear, but she's gotten what she wants. She drags you back again, shame burning your ears red, and demands that you say nothing to disgrace her family name in front of the Madrigals. But what do you care about the Madrigals? They barely know you exist. Mirabel and Camilo Madrigal might have gone to school with you, but not in your class and not in your circle of friends, and not the kind of people who would ever really notice you. Just another face to wave and say hi to.

God, you are jealous of Camilo Madrigal.

In the evening you’re sent with a bottle of wine and the firm instruction to do everything Julieta tells you. The feeling in your chest is hard to describe. The front door is propped open when you arrive, and the courtyard is empty, but you know where the kitchen is. Everybody in town knows the layout of the Casa Madrigal. Everybody’s best memories are here, at the legendary parties and ceremonies. You mumble a greeting as you pass the threshold, knowing the house is alive, but it’s silent in response. Ominous.

Julieta Madrigal is waiting for you at the table. You’re startled to see that lurking in the corner is Bruno Madrigal, the prodigal Madrigal son, the one who left for ten years. He’s smaller than you expected, up close. Your mother swears that Bruno Madrigal is the devil. But what can you say? She does, to be fair, swear the same thing about you. The wave he gives you is timid, and that makes you feel better, because at least you’re not the only one who’s scared to be here.

“Please, sit,” says Julieta carefully. (Bruno stays standing.) The house pulls out a chair for you, and you sit, feeling like a schoolkid in the master’s office. You’re not quite sure what to expect from her, and your eyes are cast downwards, so it takes you by surprise when she reaches over and takes both of your hands in hers. When you look at her face she’s smiling warmly.

You gulp.

“Tell me how I can help you,” she says.

“M-Mamá...” you begin, and she shakes her head.

“I’ve heard her side. Tell me yours, amór. What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? That’s a question for the ages. That’s a question philosophers could ponder for centuries. What is wrong with you? Where do you even start with that one, Julieta Madrigal?

Your silence is tense and terrified and she squeezes your hands.

“I know you’re scared,” she says, “Don’t be.”

And that’s all it takes for you to start gushing. Every secret word whispered to a friend or scratched in a diary or confined to the back of your mind. Because the feeling is bursting out of you, always is, every moment! The wrongness, the rightness, the terrible burden and the secret joy! You find happiness in all the wrong places, you feel wrong in all the parts you shouldn’t, and you’re afraid, afraid, afraid! And more than that, you’re miserable! You’re wrong! You’re wrong!

You want to be different. You are different. You feel it and breathe it and live it every day. This isn’t right. I can’t live like this.

You don’t realise you’re crying until Bruno Madrigal passes you a tissue and you laugh bitterly at where you find yourself, breaking down in the Casa Madrigal with Julieta Madrigal and Harbringer Bruno both giving you pitying looks.

“I hate my name,” you tell Julieta, pleadingly.

“Your name?”

“It isn’t right. It isn’t mine. It’s like a prison sentence. What’s wrong with me, Señora Madrigal? Can you fix me?”

You have vague memories of your father, carrying you on his back and laughing. He’s been gone a while now - some things Julieta Madrigal cannot fix. You find yourself remembering him as Julieta sits next to you and rests her hand on your shoulders and rubs soothingly, like you’re a child in pain.

“I don’t think you need fixing, mí amor,” she says softly. It’s the first time anybody has ever really told you that, and it makes you want to cry again.

“I can’t,” you stutter, “I can’t live like this.”

“I don’t think you should,” she says.

She looks up at her brother. Bruno Madrigal chews his lower lip and fidgets with his hands. You’re surprised when he speaks and his voice is much softer than you imagined.

“I mean, I’ve never looked specifically,” he says.

“Well, no - ”

“But yes,” says Bruno, “I think I know what this is.”

That surprises you. It surprises the heck out of you, actually - why would Bruno Madrigal know anything about... well... you? This? He must see the question in your face, because he scratches the back of his neck and explains.

“Look, I don’t do so many visions about... other people... I don’t know how your future is gonna turn out, I mean, I could, I just don’t want to, no offense, but... Uh, anyway.” He clears his throat. “I know some things about... the future. In general. And how things will change. Are changing.”

You’re confused, and so is Julieta, and he flushes.

“Th-the point is,” he says, “The way you feel, it’s not... Not that strange. Even if it might seem that way to your mom, even to us, right now, it’s... normal. And... not something Julieta can cure.”

Your heart sinks.

“The feeling,” he adds quickly. “That can't be cured. Not with one piece of food. I think... Well, I think you know what the real cure is.”

You do. You’ve known a long while. You’ve known it and been too afraid to know it, at the same time. You say, “What is it?”

He gestures. “A new name. A different look. A new life.”

There’s a long and pregnant silence.

“Well,” says Julieta, “My cooking can’t help with all of that... as such.”

She chuckles. A feeling blossoms in your stomach, a feeling you have difficulty recognising for what it is: hope.

A new name. A new life. Could that be done, here, with the magic of the miracle candle? The Madrigals were given a magical gift. Could you get one, too? The power to change, just once, forever?

“Can you cook?” she asks you. The question catches you off guard.

“Um - a little? Yes?”

“Fantastico!” she beams at you. “Hold on one moment.”

She gets up, leaving you sitting at the table and Bruno standing in the corner. The two of you share an incredibly awkward silence.

When she comes back she’s carrying a basket of guavas. “Will you peel these for me?” she asks. “I don’t usually ask my patients to help, but you seem to be healthy enough to me.” Her eyes twinkle with amusement.

She sets a pot of water to boil on the stove as you peel the guavas and, under her instruction, cut them into halves. Bruno, looking just as baffled as you feel, floats over to start helping you, whispering to his sister out of the corner of his mouth: “What are we making?”

“Bocadillo!” she laughs. “At least the beginnings. It won’t really be ready until tomorrow... but I’m sure a spoonful of the mixture will do something.”

Bruno perks up. You didn’t really expect Bruno, harbinger of death, to be into... snacks. He looks at you and says, “You should come around more often,” with a lopsided kind of grin, and you smile back at him.

As Julieta places the guavas in the water, she says, “If you were to...”

“Transition,” suggests Bruno.

“Yes. What would your name be, corazón?”

“I...” you swallow. “I don’t know yet."

“I’m sure it will come to you,” says Julieta, watching the pot. “Take all the time you need.”

“You should ask Mirabel,” says Bruno, “She’s great at naming things.”

“You’re not a thing,” Julieta assures you.

“We’re all things,” protests Bruno.

“Speaking of Mirabel,” says Julieta, “She would be very excited by the idea of finding someone a whole new wardrobe, if I asked her to.”

“You...” Your mouth is dry. “Would you do that for me...?”

Julieta smiles. “I’m Julieta Madrigal. I help heal people. It would be the least of my duties.”

She crushes the cooked guavas and mixes them with sugar and orange juice, and even though they’re a long way from bocadillo de guayaba they still smell great. She takes a small spoon and brings out some of the mixture, and turns to look at you, her expression warm.

“Try some,” she says. No matter how calm and happy she seems, your hands are shaking as you reach to take the spoon and taste the mixture.

You have to squeeze your eyes shut. It’s an indescribable sensation. Magic rushes through you, and for a moment you feel... different. You feel right. You feel...

...But when you open your eyes and look down at yourself, you don’t look different at all. The feeling fades, leaving behind only a tiny trace.

“Did it do anything?” you say nervously.

Julieta chuckles. “I don’t think it will happen quickly,” she says, “But yes. I’m sure it did. And that’s why we’re making bocadillo, you know.”

She puts her arm around you.

“It won’t be finished until tomorrow,” she says, “You should come back then and collect the full batch. It won’t last - maybe two weeks - so you’ll have to come and help me make some more.”

“...More?”

“You’ll be lucky if you’re done in a year’s time,” says Bruno, “That’s a lot of guavas.”

“Oh, and one more thing,” adds Julieta, and goes into the pantry. She comes back out with a small basket of cocadas. She presses them into your hands.

You look down at them in confusion. “Are... are these for me, too?”

“If you want them,” she smiles, “But mainly, I intended them to be for your Mamá. Makes sure she tries one, alright?”

“Alright,” you say, baffled, and she begins to walk you to the front door. “I... uh... Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“It’s my job,” she says, her eyes twinkling, “But you’re welcome. You will come back, won’t you? Tell your mother I insist.”

“I... yeah, okay.”

And as you walk home, you swear you do feel different. Something about the shape of you, the set of you, is different, ever so slightly. Not very much. But the little changes will add up. You’re sure of it.

Your mother was right about one thing: Julieta really can change minds. She can fix brains. But she hasn’t done anything to yours.

Your mother takes a bite of cocado, and the next time she goes to criticise you, her face suddenly contorts. She looks angry, then she looks confused, then huffs air in and out again and she gives you a desperate look. You don’t understand what Julieta has done until your mother gets out the words, afraid and confused.

“Your name,” says your mother, “I can’t remember your name.”

You’ve never been very good at standing up for yourself. But the smile you give your mother is cheeky and bold and you find yourself liking how it feels.

“I’ll let you know,” you say, and you’re immune to her scorn. You’ve got somewhere to be today; the bocadillo is ready, and you’ve got a lot of guavas to peel.

#encanto #encanto fanfic #this is a weird one!!!#but i hope it makes somebody feel a lil valid

32 notes · View notes

yesimwriting · 3 years

Note

Hi! I have been having an off day I’m kinda exhausted and anxious slightly snappy haha. I was wondering how would the darkling react to an anxious reader that he cares about. 😊

a/n ive been a little MIA but im working i promise!! i felt really apathetic about writing for awhile bc of some personal stuff but ive been trying to get back into it bc im genuinely happier when i write :)

- ok so i think how he reacts to an anxious person that he cares about depends on where you're at in the relationship,, which might be kinda a 'duh' but it needs to be said for how im setting this up lol

- bc if he's kinda just starting to figure out his feelings, i think he'd be so surprised by how much he cares that he has to hold back his immediate reactions, bc he may have his faults but he's def protective once he realizes something is affecting/hurting the person he sees as the sun

- that protectiveness stems from wanting to be what makes you happy, he wants to feel like he's your shelter so that he feels like he's good enough for you. He wants you to be happy so he can feel your warmth but he also really wants the redemptive feeling that comes from knowing that he's your protector in a way.

- he wants to protect and make you happy so bad, sometimes you need to be like 'umm...i really appreciate that you want to torture the person that bumped into me a little too hard on a bad day,, but maybe let's not??' especially if you are still in that phase where he kinda scares/intimidates you bc you know him more as the General

- not only are his more over the top reactions a little scary bc you don't want to offend him by not wanting to talk about it to avoid blowing the situation up,, they're also confusing

- bc you had no idea he cared if you lived or died let alone cared if you were nervous or not?? but sometimes it makes you feel really comforted, bc if someone as hardened as the darkling can care that much about how youre feeling than you can't be as awful as you're feeling

- and it's also comforting bc he's clearly strong and powerful and when he puts a hand on your shoulder and stares at you like you're the only tangible thing in the world and telling you that he's not going to let anything happen to you,, the rational part of your anxiety is appeased to say the least.

- alright but that's at like the first stage of the relationship for him, bc i feel like he def has like twenty stages he goes through before finally being in a committed relationship bc even though he wants an attachment and love so badly bc he hates his eternal loneliness, he has a lot of layers to work through before he feels secure enough in you as a person to risk vulnerability

- so if he's at the point where he's accepted what he feels for you,, but has yet to really act on it, this is where he starts to give himself away a little

- like you'll mention being stressed about training in the Little Palace, or not getting along with someone and he immediately jumps to encouraging you. It's kinda funny bc at first he seems like he's just trying to be a supportive pal bc at this point ur sorta friendly (at least more friendly than anyone else is with the darkling) but then he kinda losses himself in talking about how amazing you are.

- and if youre feeling anxiety/bad bc of someone in particular, you better not mention their name unless you're 100 percent sure you're furious at them.

- sometimes it causes some strain bc you don't necessarily want him to get involved, and he's not above lowkey guilting you into telling him the full story, but it's not really intentional. He just starts talking about how much trust he puts in you and you just let the little things go after making him promise to leave things alone.

- if your anxiety is general,, or just bc of a. bunch of little things and he's at a point in which he's accepted how much he cares about you but has not told you yet,, he'll try to hide how soft he feels, but sometimes he slips up.

- honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if a really big relationship milestone came from that.

- like you crying one night and the darkling finding you, and then him taking you back to your room and promising to stay so that you don't have to feel alone and then the next morning you wake up and he's holding you

- at first ur like ?? but he acts so normal you're like maybe that can be platonic? but then it starts happening more and more and neither of you mention it and then when you two finally do get together youre like 'ohh? im stupid'

- and if your anxiety comes from your worry about him?? wow--he'll have to stop himself from kissing you

- this is a man who is so used to being hated/feared that the concept of someone worrying about him so much they physically don't feel well?? that would hit him STRAIGHT in the chest, and he'd be so quick to pull you to him, and then you'd be like--are you ok??

- wouldn't be surprised if that's how you found out he had feelings for you,, like he'd say something like "i didnt know the brightest star in the sky could want to protect the darkness instead of banish it. You're the brightest light I've ever known, it was more than enough for me that you weren't repulsed by my darkness...and now..."

- anyways,, if you were already established together and you were anxious, he would have no need to hold back

- if he notices your hesitant to let him 'help' he might do a thing or two to reduce sources of your stress without telling you...which sometimes leads to you getting a little mad, but depending on how extreme his actions were, he normally smoothes it over quickly

- i mean,, it's just how he shows that he cares, he's never had someone that could snap their fingers and get rid of his adversaries or reschedule a thing or two to make his life easier

- he sees no harm in it,, and even though sometimes other people may give you a bit of a hard time bc of his evident favoritism,, you know it just means he cares

- if he goes really far, you're more willing to be mad at him, but honestly when youre upset all you want is to be near him bc there's nothing more comforting,, so you agree to hold off on arguing lol

- i mean there are always lines that get crossed, so there are times he cant charm himself out of your anger, but the longer youre together the more he tries to hold off on doing things that make you really angry,, unless he feels like the person really hurt you, then nothing can stop his anger

- if youre actually together he's much more quick to comfort you physically if youre feeling really anxious,, he'll kiss you everywhere until he's all you can think about, which works for when your anxious over small things

- if your problem is larger, he cant exactly kiss it away though i cant say that doesnt help but it's still comforting and relaxing bc duh,, so i feel like he's really touchy if youre upset

- kissing sometimes leads to other stuff,, but that should be its own fic/headcanon bc i have a secret head cannon that feeling needed or like the only one his partner has is a turn on for him bc it returns some of the power he feels like he gives up by letting his partner care about him

- might have to write that fic now that im thinking about it....

- if youre so anxious you dont want to be touched, it'll be a little harder for him, but if he reaches for you and you back away he'll try to talk you down and remind you that he's not going to let anything happen and as long as he's breathing he'll make sure you're okay

- if youre officially together and youre anxious about something small, he's actually surprisingly nice to talk to,, before you were close you felt like you were bothering him with small, insignificant things,, but once you know that he cares about you he's a patient listener bc he likes being really present with you when he can bc he's busy so often

- sometimes if youre worried or upset he jumps to anger towards the object of your distress before comfort, but once youre at the dating part, you know that that's just how he is, and anger is how he shows love in a way?? lol, so you just have to clearly tell him that you'd rather him stay with you then rush out and like smite someone, he'll stop and comfort you

- sometimes how much he cares makes him angry at himself bc he begins to question if he'd pick you/your happiness over his goal, if he can't convince himself that you'd never get in the way of that, he gets a little cold until he feels assured in his loyalties or at least assured in the fact that your happiness would never conflict with his goals

- that can happen at any point in your relationship,, i feel like it'd happen more when he's unsure about his feelings bc seeing how much he cares about someone that's nothing to him makes him want to banish his nerves

- overall though,, once he cares about you, whether he's fully accepted it or not, he'd burn the world down to make you feel okay again,, or stay in bed with you for awhile, or both--whatever you want, really

#grishaverse x reader #grishaverse x you #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse #genereal kirigan imagine #general kirigan x reader smut #general kirigan x you #the darkling x you #the darkling x reader #the darkling #general kirigan #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x you #netflix shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #ben barnes #ben barnes x reader #aleksander morovoza x reader #aleksander morozova imagine

162 notes · View notes

just-call-me-johnny-archive · 3 years

Text

[[TW for abusive language and canon typical violence. Reader discretion is advised.]]

Johnny doesn’t know when he started walking through a crowd of people in a ballroom. It feels like he’s been doing it for a good while, but he can’t be sure. He just knows he has to find his partners. He pushes through until he finds a clearing in the middle. He looks about for fiery red hair and a tall man in a suit. There are a lot of people dressed up. Even he’s dressed up- but his clothes are torn and bloody. He recognizes them from the night Dwight was impaled.

In his distracted walking state he stumbles and trips over something large and ends up falling onto his knees. After gritting his teeth against the pain, he looks over his shoulder and his eyes widen, tears already forming.

He goes over to Dwight’s side and pulls the bleeding, beaten man’s head into his lap. “Dwight! Dwight- what happened!”

Dwight’s eyes open and lazily roll over to look at Johnny. There’s a coldness to them, like the smaller man woke him up from a good restful nap.

“You happened, Johnny.”

A shiver runs down Johnny’s back and he blinks and Dwight is gone, he’s kneeling down in a thick puddle of blood. He shakily rises to his feet and walks aimlessly. He almost doesn’t recognize how the fluid turns into solid. A blanket. Or a towel. Covering what looks to be a body.

With trembling hands, Johnny peels back the layer of cloth and screams as he scrambles backwards. There’s no way- no- this can’t be real. Leera’s not dead. She’s not. This is all a dream.

He gets back to the feet and suddenly becomes aware of the wood at his feet. He could recognize the floor of 777 with his eyes closed- every ridge embedded into memory. Every creak.

A mirror stands beside him as he fumbles around the dark room, grabbing for something- a light switch- a door. He finally grabs something until that same thing grabs onto his wrist. And pulls him roughly.

“Leera?” He says before tears are coming to his eyes. “Oh- thank fuck - I thought you-“

“Stay away from me, you monster! How could you? You should have died, not him! You!” She grabs onto the back of his hair and slams his face into the mirror repeatedly, saying the same thing over and over. He should have died. He should have died.

Johnny wakes up, panting, sweating, sobbing. He feels about his face, feeling a bandage over one of his eyes and yards of cotton-padded skin. There’s an IV in his hand and he’s laying on a hospital bed.

It was just a bad dream.

Suddenly, the light comes on in his room and Leera and Dwight are sitting by his bedside. They look- conflicted.

“We need to talk, Johnny,” Leera starts, then looks over to Dwight for support.

“About- where we should go from here- once you’re healed up. We just- need some time to really think about what being with you means for us- for our family.” Dwight holds his girlfriend’s hand and Johnny has never ached so much for the same touch, but it’s like they’re deliberately not making an effort to touch him at all. Like they’re trying to keep him away.

“We just believe that maybe we rushed into this too fast. That we were just happy you survived and- we got a little too excited. But I think we’ve had plenty of time to… mull it over.” Leera explains.

Johnny feels his throat constrict and his body tremble- he’s already starting to sob- trying not to show it. Trying to show he’s stable, that he’s a good partner and that they don’t have to leave him. That he can be good.

“Oh boy, and he’s crying- look, Johnny, this is exactly what we were talking about. We haven’t even said anything and already you’re starting to get overwhelmed. We just don’t think we can keep walking on eggshells like this around you. Certainly not for the rest of our lives.”

“I’m sorry,” his voice is wavering as more tears come out, every word feeling like a stab at his heart. “I’ll- I can be good. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me- im- im fine- I-“

“No, you’re not fine. You need help, Johnny, and frankly I’m tired of acting like your therapist. Every moment we’ve been together has been one session after another. It’s just not healthy or right- for any of us.” Dwight’s voice is stern with a finality that makes Johnny feel like his world is crashing down. Which it is. He feels like he can’t breathe and before he has time to try and settle his racing heart Dwight and Leera are already leaving his room.

“Wait! Wait please—!” He yells in pain as the IV in his hand keeps him there even as he tries to get out of the bed. He yanks it out and tries to get up before someone is pushing him deep into the mattress, keeping him there.

“Hey- hey it’s okay. Just a nightmare, Swallowtail. Just lay back for me.”

Johnny stops struggling for a moment as he hears that nickname, before looking up and finding Vargas hovering over him, a hand pushing into his shoulder, trying to get him to lie down again.

“That’s it. Stay right there. You’re okay. There- much better.”

He moves quickly to try and roll out from under the man but Vargas quickly takes both of his wrists into his fists and keeps Johnny pinned.

“I said fucking stay dammit.” He growls, tightening his grip until bruises appear on Johnny’s wrists. Johnny looks frantically around the room but nothing is visible other than Vargas. He doesn’t know where he is. How he got here. Where is his Counselor and Cornflower?

“Don’t you remember? They didn’t want you. Nobody did. Not after what they saw you do. When they saw who you really were.” Vargas says, a grin on his face as he lightens the grasp on Johnny’s hands.

Johnny’s head snaps back to stare at Vargas who just laughs and strokes the side of Johnny’s face with the backs of his knuckles. “There there- it’s alright. You’re with me now, and I already know every piece of you. I made you the way you are. I’m all you have now. So I would stop fighting back if I were you.”

“But… they said they loved me. They - they told me they wouldn’t leave me. They wanted me. They-“

“Lied- I think is the word you’re looking for. I’m sorry that you’re the last to know, Swallowtail, but unfortunately you just never could learn the easy way. Did I not warn you countless times that no matter how believable it may seem- no matter how infatuated they claim to be- nobody will ever love you?”

Johnny blinks back tears again; Vargas had told him that. But they’d been so sincere. They’d held him, kissed him, they’d even gone farther than that. Or at least he had with Dwight. They acted like they cared so much- that they would be by his side every step of the way. How could they just throw him to the side like this?

And what about his family? Was he no longer worthy of their mercy of their love? What did he do? What did he do wrong? Why does he keep fucking up like this? Why was he so broken and worthless?

“Chin up, my boy. At least you can no longer ruin their lives and make them live in fear that one day you’ll snap and kill them. They’re much happier without you around. Isn’t that what you wanted? For them to be happy? To be safe? Then why are you so upset?”

“Oh- is it because you only wanted them to be happy and safe as long as you’re around? You never truly cared about them either. Only wanted them for their love and affection and attention. It’s only natural.”

Johnny’s teary gaze shifts to the side. Was Vargas right? Did he really care? Shouldn’t he be happy he can no longer hurt them?

He only feels empty and sad and lifeless. Vargas lets go of him completely, backing off the bed. Johnny’s eyes widen as he watches him leave. He hates this man- but his mind is screaming for him not to leave. He doesn’t want to be alone right now.

“I guess in the end you were always meant to be all on your own, Nny. After all, you just push everyone away. And one day, they won’t come back.”

With those departing words, Johnny watches as Vargas fades from his sight and leaves him in the dark room. At some point the man had cuffed Johnny to the headboard or some other thing because when he tries to chase after him or even get up from the bed, he’s completely immobile. He screams for him to come back, for Dwight, for Leera or Chance or Addie or Midge or anyone to please just give him another chance. He can be good. He doesn't want to be alone. He sobs to himself, screaming until his lungs nearly give out.

Finally, he actually does awaken, screaming into the dark room. He feels around his wrists for cuffs that aren’t there. His breaths are wheezy, panicky and he feels like he’s wearing a blindfold but he’s not. There’s something on his eye that feels like cloth. His entire body comes alive with sharp pains with every movement and he skates his fingers over the bandages wrapped around him, shaking as he remembers what comes next.

But when only the beeps of his own equipment resound back to him, he settles into the bed and tries to regain control of his breathing.

Just a nightmare.

@leera-ozynite

21 notes · View notes