#im no longer traying to make myself hate the sin love the sinner

[wastecreature]

It's bonkers how truly, truly isolating and lonely it can be to not be able to hang out with your friends in person. I feel like everyone felt this during quarantine, but now that people are (unwisely) getting back to "normal" it's made it really apparent to me that like....I just don't have that? I don't have the thing to look forward to "after" quarantine? All my friends moved out of state. We talk every day for minimum an hour, watch TV together, etc, but just the concept of leaving my house, going to their house, existing in a space with them together, is almost alien to me. And I don't realize how that sort of lack of choice, lack of physical interaction, settles on my shoulders and haunts me constantly. It become background.

I remember after getting back from my trip to visit my friend it was a real, tangible weight all the time. And now it has faded back to the background, and I don't notice all the time. It's chronic, not acute. Something I realized, again after having irl interaction with a friend, visiting for a few days. Life is better with them around, but it's also harder. Because I know eventually they won't be around, and I'll have to go through the acclimation again.

The thought of one day living near friends that I can go to see, is almost unimaginably distant and hopeful. Maybe one day I'll read this post and not remember the weight of chronic loneliness. Maybe one day my norm will be my life being better and easier.

#and its so twisted because like im happy? this year has been one of the best of my life in all honesty #i have fully rejected the shitty religious structure i was raised with and stopped trying to supress what i felt to be right #im no longer traying to make myself hate the sin love the sinner #i dont punish myself for not understanding why The Gays are bad or wanting a government that supports its people #like im happy being who i am even if i cant express it openly #at least im not trying to hammer my brain into being straight and cis #at least now /i/ accept those parts of myself. that is already So much better. even if the people around me dont accept those parts #so like. im happier than ive been in a long time. maybe ever. but im still not Happy. im still so desperatelt lonely #and im better on that front too! because now i do have friends that love and support me! 3 years ago i didnt! #so even if it is so so lonely to be physically isolated from them i at least can talk to someone. #idk lots of thoughts. and not ones that i want to share with those friends becauss they will feel guilty for not being able to be here #and thats the last thing i want