#i dont know how im supposed to live anymore

[cptainswan13]

A part of me wants to go and write an au where loki and mobius are together instead of alone but I don't think I am prepared emotionally yet

I'm not ready to read any fanfic lokius related yet

#loki series #lokius #loki #marvel #mobius #loki laufeyson #loki season 2 #tom hiddleston #owen wilson #this finale made me feel so bad #i need serious help #i dont know how im supposed to live anymore

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!! #im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[nerosdayinanime]

trying to figure out how to draw na'vi

#neros art tag #avatar #na'vi avatar #NAVI SMUT?? idk why im surprised but thAT WAS THE FIRST TAG THAT POPPED UP #anyways avatar's my favorite movie & it just now clicked that I Can Draw That Now #unfortunately ive never studied human anatomy in my life and now im jumping into na'vi anatomy so Its Not Gonna Look Good #1st one was no references 2nd one was with references 3rd one was after actually looking up their biology & Studying The References #also as always w me they live in the snowy deserts of the poles #its supposed to be like thick curly hair but with straight strands sorta woven into it and that makes it LOOK straight #but i dont know how to draw that without putting super meticulous detail and drawing every individual added strand so i just made it straig #i had the idea that the animals that live there have long fur to withstand the cold & they add that fur to their hair to make it thicker & #insulating as well. and also wearing the pelts to keep warm #giyuu & makomo's hair is black while sabito's is brown and he found an animal with a weird fur color so he still gets his odd hair color #honestly ive been in my own little echo chamber with kny for so long that theyre nowhere near canon anymore #one of the reasons im so reluctant to post abt any of it #but this is My House for My Enjoyment #need to burn that into my skull #kny avatar au #< another au tag #oh i forgot the hair accessories #another animal they hunt they turn its showoffy-bits into hair pins basically #hhghh *post* #fuck i forgot to tag the Them #tomioka giyuu #kny sabito #kny makomo #giyuu #sabito #makomo

[stupid-dyke]

I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.

#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy #because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP. #Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity. #AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME #BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis. #no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl #haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha #cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to #and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli #outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone #friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened #by you anymore and you never hear from her again #its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of #I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever #my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic

[spotsupstuff]

Where do Boreas and Zephyr end up in the off the string Ancients au after getting off the string?

well, assuming that Euros and Sparrows manage to find Boreas before he fucks off on the journey to Zeph alone or Desaevio Houses manage to catch him, the three would make the journey to her together and with Sparrows bein the only one with a place to go, she'd suggest coming over to her home at least until they figure out smth better

fuckin... Euros tryin to rope the other two into the joys of baby sitting.. Boreas constantly smacks his head on doorways. Inferno gives Boreas a fucking shotgun n starts teaching him how to use it while Sparrows, very conscious of the religious importance of Iterators, is just lookin behind them like 👀💦 Inkling would get along with Zephyr WONDERFULLYYYYYY,, would try to teach her how work around the house despite her disabilities so she would Finally get to do smth else than just sit and cling on to survival. Boreas n granda glaring at each other from the other sides of a room as if one of them isn't alive strictly because of spite

they lose Brook and everybody is trying so hard to find her and at the end it turns out that she somehow managed to hide under Boreas' chlamys and has been clinging on to his back for a solid hour now. no he did not know about this

at the end of it all Sparrows family would get together and probably renovate some house from beyond the retaining walls of Euros' facilities where the Gen 1s could hide away, because ultimately Zeph n B need to stay a secret more than Euros himself. about Euros people already know! and at least he's still within his own walls. but Zeph is supposed to be a secret and B is so damnably important as a bearer of the capital city, that if they were found out the family would get into a lot of trouble

so the aged humidifiers get to have a lil dwelling in the forests nearby, seems like! <3

#Spot says stuff #rw #oc tag #off string ancient times au #oh wow i got such a strong feelin on deja vu while answerin this one the fuck GJKSLCKLJGK boreas is attacking me #its fun to think about these two being.. brought to Sparrows home. considering both didnt differentiate between Ancients #all these good people lending them a hand keeping them safe teaching them how to live life like this.. they would be killed in the first- #-draft of Mission Self-preservation. Sparrows let two snakes into her home. to her most treasured people. and those two have to deal with- #-that trust. Brook or any child asking Zeph to be held by her. she was planning to doom this little soul #'i dont- im not sure i know how to be soft' she says. Inkling shows her- unaware that those green hands were supposed to be a danger #Boreas' moment would probably come while defending the farm district with other fight-capable ones #hes new to being like this so he gets taken down by the animal. instead of letting him suffer through his mistake Inferno jumps in front- #-of him with the gun ready n kills the enemy and then stays with B to make sure nothing else would get to him while he recovers #there are good people out there. its time to see it. theres no walls to make them blind to it anymore

[silenthillbunni]

actually i hate my sisters so much for making me feel like im not allowed to exist in my own home

#if they wanna play that game; i was born first. by their logic i have more right to our mom than they do #this was my home first. i was here first. i havemore right to be here than them #but for real; my mom is the only one who can decide if i can live here or not #my sisters dont have any right to freezeme out and tell me i shouldnt live here anymore #only my mom can kick me out or have opinions on that #imjust very hurt by my mom and that she doesnt say anything #and when i try to to talk abt how i feel she just always tells me that they have feelings too and that it isnt all abt me??? #well im the one being iced out by my own family and spend all my days isolated in my room but yeah i guess im the bad one #maybe i am a bad person i can honestly not trust myself. why else would everyone treat me like this lik #lol*** damn fkn makes me so mad that i cant type on anything without typos #anyway.... i fucking hate my sisters so much and my mom being cold abt it makes me so sad #when i tell her that im so lonely i feel like i could die and that i need interaction #she just tells me that i need to get outside more #anyway i dont fucking know what im supposed to do #i am stuck and i have never gotten any help from theme talhealth care system either so #wtf am i supposed to do all alone in this!?!?! #wish i was fkn normal

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[4ugust4r]

I need a fucking xanax. Or something. Literally anything.

#i can't believe how long its felt this bad for i feel like im losing my mind or killing my heart or both #not even sleep is a place i can catch a break anymore bc im having a horrible time falling and staying asleep #keep jerking awake with nightmares #or getting woken up by the cats and then feeling to anxious to be able to rest again #holding on with white knuckles on seeing a therapist or something and getting some meds in Portland bc holy shit #i dont know how anyone is supposed to live like this #journal

[semercury]

I never asked for the burden of existence.

#stuff sarah says #i keep thinking about work yesterday #im so sick of worrying about every little thing and the butterfly effect it might create #i hate being perceived and knowing my avtions have unknown consequences #like i just want to vibe and live my life and do what i can to better myself and be happy #but that feels impossible #someone might get upset. someone might get sad #i might unknowingly be contributing harm to the world and others by doing something #how am i supposed to live when im scared people will hate me bc someone else appreciates that im a hard worker? #what am i supposed to do? start being shit at my job? thats also not an option #i miss when i could just do my best and enjoy my hobbies and not worry about people getting upset #i just want to live my life without the overwhelming fear of unforseen consequences #and i know i know my therapist would tell me that im not responsible for how other people react #especially since im not trying to upset people. im not intentionally antagonizing others #but i dont have him to tell me logically correct things anymore so like #and also its fucking bananas that this is ocd #obsession: worrying about others' wellbeing. compulsion: refusing to be happy bc that protects them somehow #people are like but ur room is so messy like karen that is not the only manifestation but okay #i want to scoop the bad bits of my brain out with a melon baller. i think that would do wonders for me

[toastsnaffler]

istg one of these days.......

#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game #one of my fave posts ever in the world #anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me #its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭 #ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭 #like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay #bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS #anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!! #its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought #so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy #but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr #itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST #i wouldnt do that to him god forbid #buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am #this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night #need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:| #its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves #i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good #ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone #muah all round #.diaries

[professionaljester]

what are you suppose to do when all the coping skills a therapist would teach you arent working

#ABC shut it #trying to self therapy myself sucks but how am i suppose to get better #but none of these skills seems to be working anymore and im just sick of it #sick of feeling depressed and bad all the time #sick of feeling like only bad things happen to me (they do) #(i get my hopes up and encourage myself for once and its always the same outcome of sadness and dissapointment) #like what am i suppose to do when the world is out to get me #and i feel like i havve no one and im so alone #its so bad i justhave a meltdown over every little thing bc nothing in my life NEVER goes right nothing good EVER happens #this is not the depression talking these are facts and tract records #itry and i try and things stuill dont work out for me #i try and make more friends and i feel like they all just think im annoying and wish i wouldnt talk to them #like i know i cant except to be talked to first but what am i suppose to do when i try to engage and im just talked over and ignored #or i get thevibe the person doesnt actually like me or is talking to me anyways just to get it over with #and and the paranoia is bad on top of just the general depressionbut what am i suppose to do abt it if i feel i cant talk to anyone abt it #bc all i do is complain but what do i have to talk abt if my life is boring and nothign interseting happens to me #the only interesting thing abt me is i know ppl who have way more interesting lives then me and are more successful than me #like what am i suppose to do when i want to kill myself but cant bc all the ways to kill yourself sound fucking horrible ways to go out

[i-like-gay-books]

my life was literally changed by the paramore concert i don't know what to do with myself it was so good

#scheduling this for some random point in the future so you can't figure out which onei went to #not that its particularly close to where i live but i prefer to be safe rather than sorry on the internet #ok by SERIOUSLY SO GOOD #i dont know how to conduct myself anymore how am i supposed to go back to school after this?? #i literally almost started crying it was perfect #and now i have my silly little red sweatshirt and im so happy #not gonna lie im not a go to concerts all the time type of person but i might get somecheap tickets for another leg of the tour #just because they just added so many dates and since the venues are bigger the tickets are cheaper #it wont be the same experience because i wont be able to be so close to the stage #but by then the NEW ALBUM WIL BE OUT WHICH IM SO EXCITED AND DYING ABOUT #im going insane #paramore #cloudy rambles

[snekdood]

i really dont think i actually deserved all that bullshit. the internets traumatized me now at this point and literally no ones gonna care unless my abuser is honest and its so fucking exhausting.

#at this point its my mantra that yall only care about believing the victim you like. if two ppl are accusing eachother you're going #to pick the person you like more. that just seems to be the situation. and its so fucking dumb #all these ppl who call themselves progressive who do this are so fucking dumb #you only want to believe the victim you like and i just dont understand why you're willing to throw me in the trash over a lie #not even CONSIDERING it could be me at all. nah. bc if you had to consider that you'd probably just have to feel guilty for the way you #treated me #but lord knows hardly anyone on this website ever likes to admit they did anything wrong bc they found their safe haven where they can #be an eternal victim and they dont want to lose that #i genuinely think yall are the worst people to walk this earth and you provide literally 0 benefit for anyone else #i have no idea what possesses you to think its okay to treat me this way like at all #how are you so sure. how do you believe them so storngly that you can have this reaction to me #and why do you think its fine #to the person reading this going 'omg hes so dramatic 🙄' i dont think you under fucking stand #humans aren't supposed to have THIS much criticism. our brain isn't used to having criticism from like 200 people like this. #ive lost friend and followers over this situation.i saw someone i thought of as a friend shit talking me on a different site #friends* #theres people irl who wont talk to me anymore #i dont think you understand what that does to someones psyche #imagine you were sent to prison for some shit you didnt do. you might in your heart know you're innocent. but the fact that you're #in prison makes you second guess yourself. and im tired of living by tumblrs rule of law since people on here dont even have #the basic human decency to give due process. #theres fucking people online who accuse me of shit i didnt do or dont believe in all the time on here now and i dont think they #wouldve done it so hardcore had my ex decided to be honest from the get-go #it feels like they know deep down theyre lying so theyre trying to find or even make up more reasons to keep believing im bad #like im sorry i had a messy past and im upset not enough ppl care about trans men #i have no idea how that warrants this response though #and im not like??? bad politically??? like at all?? #like when ppl try to find reasons im bad its either disingenuous. a common misconception. things taken out of context. #someone just simply refusing to see my point or perspective in any capacity. #ot its something from my past but even as far as my past goes ppl are extremely hyperbolic about it. i wasnt a fuckin nazi or something

[sobsboy]

I'm not joking when I say everything going on in the US makes me want to kill myself

#might as well end it early instead of suffer the downfall of humanity #i swear my mental health has been better overall but. god #whats the point anymore #boomers stole our dreams and futures. #how am i suppose to retain hope when every goddamn day is worse than thr last #with environmental disasters and impending collapse its not like I'll live past 50 anyway #halfway through my life and everythings been a waste #sorry for the negativity im just having an awful awful time #not just government and other issues but my rights as a lgbt person are getting more and more restrictive and threatened #i am so fucking depressed #logically i know some of this is because i dont have a job atm and am barely doing anything #but. my points still stand #personal #txt #good bye.

[uniformbravo]

they made free into a sports anime 😔

#it was supposed to be a friendship anime about sitting in a hot tub less than 5 feet apart bc they ARE gay #who the hell are all these randos jumping in the hot tub yelling about sport ball and dong touch get OUTTA here #i havent rewatched s3 or seen either of the new movies so i'll need to solidify my opinion w those but #how could they do this 2 me #why arent they taking gay trips to australia anymore. why isnt makoto sucking haru's dick. this sucks #retag later #free blogging #i think im finally ready to admit that 99% of my disappointment in s3 stems directly from because haru & makoto weren't gay enough in it #thats literally it gjghsldjfksgajgisjdk #n usually i hate to be that bitch but APPARENTLY makoharu is just that important to me #i dont know how this ever could have happened *looks at every single previous installment in the series that heavily focused on th #eir relationship and how much they mean to each other and how integral to each others lives they are* #but now they just wanna focus on world championship dong touch ok yea i see ok mhmm #U DO U IG.......