#i dont have any motivation and its going to be my downfall

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Putting in my two week's notice tomorrow!!!!!!!

#i am so fucking excited to finally be done with this place #it feels kinda weird tho #ive been at this job for almost three years. two months less than ive been dating my gf #and now im just leaving. never to return. breaking up with my long term job #and then the worst of the move starts (im in the process of moving which is why im leaving my job) #may 18 is my last day. may 19 i have to bring sll of my belongings to my parents house #may 20 i have to go to a week long training for camp #then im gonna spend two weeks living with my parents. work at camp for two months #then days after thats done im going to move twelve hours away. to a city ive never been to before #this is gonna be a jam packed fucking few months and im not looking forwards to ir #i have two weeks to shrink and pack up my entire life. and clean my apartment #its a stressful time 🙃 #but it's fine #i get to leave this fucking job. im happy and sad about it. but mostly happy #wish me luck. and motivation. i need the motivation to do all of this #i dont have any motivation and its going to be my downfall

[spacedlexi]

I totally get your point about the kenny/Jane thing. In my opinion the best outcome is letting Kenny kill Jane (honestly Jane brought that to herself, all of them knew that if he lost someone else he would finally go ballistic and she deliberately put him on that spot to prove "a point") and then staying in Wellington, because Kenny acknowledges that he's not fit enough to care for her and AJ anymore, so he begs Clem to stay. He's aware that he's not right for the job, and he accomplished his mission, he stayed loyal to Lee and left. It also gives the opportunity to speculate whether he finally found peace after all his suffering. (Even if the original idea was him offing himself in the Virginia lake after that)

i always find myself struggling to talk about S2 because i know the writers changed direction (multiple times?) as the season was releasing??? which means character arcs and motivations were altered to fit this new direction and its like painfully obvious sometimes especially when it comes to kenny and jane and luke

i hate when writers cant commit to the bit. and that kind of happens with kenny. which is weird because even tho they decided against him literally being carvers character (which wouldve worked perfectly for a luke v kenny ending), they still try to give him that carver storyline. like.. i could see kenny easily being in carvers position at howes. just like lilly in S4 with the delta. these two characters wanted leadership and never liked any pushback from the people around them. i can also see the kenny we knew from S1 turning into a man like carver in S2 (a dude who has lost a lot and whose methods are becoming more extreme to keep people safe) and i think kenny being carver instead wouldve made carver a much deeper and more interesting antagonist. like carver is fine. he works although his beef with this 11yo is weird. but we dont buy it when bonnie tells us he used to be a cool guy. we've only ever seen carver as a murderer. but if it was kenny in this role then immediately we add a lot of baggage to this character and his relationship with clem and her new relationship with the howes group. like we know kenny and we know what hes capable of but we also understand his motivations and we do believe that deep down kenny does want whats best to keep his people safe. and clem reappearing in the life of THIS kenny wouldve been Huge as he wouldve already begun his descent and clem is the only one who can really get through to him (like they still try to do when all the adults are like "uuuh clem you go talk to the angry man theres no way he'll listen to US"). i think they were afraid of making kenny an outright antagonist though and instead tried to have their cake and eat it too which just kinda...leads to mess... commit to your characters dark spirals and downfalls i hate this wishy washy bullshit. plus having kenny as carver instead wouldve centered clem in the howes discussion more. as it stands she just kinda gets swept up in everyone elses bullshit and just has to go along with it. classic child experience tho

jane pretending that aj was dead to intentionally push kenny over the edge just to "prove" to clem that hes dangerous was SOOOOO unnecessary jane!!! like we know girl!! we know!!! and when he tries to kill her for it its like...i know you saw this coming jane so how did you expect this to end?? was she just hoping she'd win the fight? she even tells clem to stay out of whatever was about to happen (plus she does genuinely put ajs life in real danger by leaving him in that car where they were lucky to hear his cries). but i think this problem stems from them changing it out from being a luke v kenny showdown. i think that ending wouldve culminated more naturally as their beef was slowly building since they first met. disagreement in leadership styles. that silly little middle school "choose who to sit with at dinner" thing felt like foreshadowing of a luke v kenny fight that just never happened. they needed to create a reason for kenny to attack jane as jane doesnt care about leadership she cares about keeping herself safe so the whole aj thing just....feels forced. like... jane why....Why........ where did your self preservation go...its like your whole character...

so...yeah.... i have a lot of conflicting feelings about S2 and its ending. on my recent playthrough i had clem tell kenny that maybe lee Shouldnt have come to save her in S1, trying to be all "boo hoo im so sad i get everyone i love killed boo hoo" and kenny responds by saying he should SMACK her for that???? i was so shocked that i missed taking the screenshot of it. i gasped audibly... turned into a "matter of time" situation for me (even tho things seem fine enough in the S3 flashbacks hes weirdly normal again and still talking about boats). kenny is definitely a broken man hanging on by a Singular Thread by the end of S2 and jane snaps it. this is why i like leaving kenny behind at wellington. clem and aj are definitely the light of his life at this point and he wants whats best for them. leaving them at wellington is really the best thing he can do for them both and its very sad because we know he Needs them. and clem would want to hold onto whoever she has left so its hard for her too. throughout all the seasons clem and aj are seen as the light in the darkness the hope for the future yadda yadda and kenny losing that? yeah i can see why the virginia lake idea was a thing. but thats ALSO why i like the clem shoots kenny ending. this man just wants it to be over he misses his family so much he cant take this shit anymore. staying with kenny into S3 really feels like we're stretching out his character as far as possible. it kinda feels like they hit the reset button on him and hes back to talking about boats. i feel like post S2 they just didnt really know what to do with him or jane. i feel like their endings in S2 are the most narratively fulfilling for their characters and i want clem to enter S3 on her own

#replies with lexi #twdg #incognito #oh season 2.......youre such a mess.... #i love deconstructing narratives :)

[priscirat]

if its okay to ask can i have your long thoughts on your last art because i am oh so interested

oh absolutely

(keep in mind that i am discussing early story yukilisa which would be the same state as our current mygo line)

first of all on an individual level. soyo/lisa and sakiko/yukina have common themes/motivation.

soyo/lisa paralleles : seen as "motherly" (and in both cases its a behavior they both show when they Aren't Feeling Normal), scared to be left behind, needs to feel needed by other ppl to feel self worth, attachment to the past, dont want to overstep and is seen as the mediator

then visually. both having brown hair. if lisa didnt tie her hair it would Extremely ressemble soyos hair and vice versa. both key colors being warm colors (lisa/red and soyo/yellow)

sakiko/yukina paralleles : motivated by the downfall of father, willing to use others to gain back something that was lost, don't want any emotional attachment and yet are Extremely emotionally attached and motivated, musical genius in their own way

and once again visually. both got yellow eyes. if sakiko let down her hair she would look like yukina and someone actually DREW THAT, both having cold key colors (yukina/purple and sakiko/blue)

then when it comes to the relationship aspect. i often talk about how yukilisa managed to get thru their bad years because neither of them actually wanted to let go of the other. i often visualize it as threads to be cut. which neither yukina or lisa did. whereas for sakiko and soyo. sakiko was the one taking that step.

sakiko genuinely do not want soyo around anymore because she doesnt want her to get involved in her eventual mess and draws a big line to not cross for soyo. something that yukina never had the heart to do. she mentions how her caring for lisa feels like an obstacle to her goals. which is the same for sakiko who actually acted on it. it also makes you wonder. would lisa have stuck like soyo if yukina Did draw that line. to me the answer is yes because she feels a duty to have yukina smile again. and would have pushed for it the same way soyo is.

in a heartbreaking way, to me, sakiko wishes that soyo would want the same especially after treating her so coldly. which circles back to yukina Also wondering why lisa sticks to her when she doesnt act all that friendly to her when lisa keeps reaching out to her.

in the same way that. in episode 4. when sakiko learns that soyo got into another band. you can see that she is Actually affected by it, no matter how much distance she tries to put with the past. which then makes you wonder. how yukina would have reacted if lisa did get into another band. and we factually Know that she is convinced that lisa would have always ended up in roselia. so even back then she would have also been greatly affected if lisa did join another band.

it goes on and on and i am still seeing and connecting new points almost everyday. a lot of those parallels also falls on. what if yukina and/or lisa Acted that way. and somehow i feel like it does fall quite in line with their early character. which is why i also thought of captioning my art as something along the line of "you, that i could have been" to capture how much it is a matter of what if.

conlusion also its So Funnyyy : first yukina/lisa scene (episode of roselia 1)

first sakiko/soyo meeting after disbanding (mygo ep4)

#ask #anon #bandori #yukilisa #sakisoyo #its long lmao #id like to thanks my friends alice and chikin #to whomst i kept talking about and we kept connecting the points and its insane how Much. how much they mirror

[terraliensvent]

Do u think terraliens would have been a good species if they actually stopped fucking around and listened to the suggestions and shit

oh absolutely

for a little context, i used to be really into deviantart cringe stuff on yt back in the day, and something i got from that is even if someone is rude or dookies all over ur work, there are two things to do

1. take it with a grain of salt, they will never know you and you will never know them, if it bothers u too much then go outside

2. take it as an excuse to improve. someone saying “this thing is bad” can hurt, but also it can be a motivator to yourself to make it better

thats why i think drama blogs can be helpful in some sort of way, if other people can see what the deep issues are and explicitly say it and give critique, and you just throw it away because of where the info came from, then im sorry but i dont really think you want to improve

now granted they dont have to look at drama blogs and thats fair, thats just a lot of my own opinion

BUT

when you open up suggestion threads and when people suggest the same things over and over directly to you and you either deny it or ignore it because “too much work!” then i think youre lazy.

using the “draw the terra above” suggestion thats been given several times, people in the threads have given various examples of the concept working perfectly in other servers, howltars has over 2k members and their “draw howl above” channel seems to work perfectly fine. when given evidence that new things CAN work and things that members want CAN be implemented, mods shut it down and say its too much work and we dont have the staff! (despite how every time someone says to hire more we’re apparently bursting at the seams with mods)

i think thats why theres so much resentment built up, they kinda refuse to listen to anyone who isnt in their little clique and they never show any progress on anything besides more trait restrictions and adopts. (a reminder that the species still does not have a.) trait sheets and b.) actual written lore, and its been over 9 months since release. i can make an infant human in the time it takes terralien mods to make a trait sheet but sure what we need is more useless forageables)

also i hate how they always kill a suggestion thread by saying “things are getting a little heated” when someone says anything even slightly negative. we get it guys nobody is allowed to say anything that isnt absolute brown nosing, its such a convenient way for them to say “were actually never going to do this now because one person was being a meanie :(“

i joined terras pretty close to release, so ive seen them use every excuse under the sun to not really make any changes. it sucks because the base concept is pretty interesting and when i wanted to leave and find a new species nothing really had the same kick. bad moderation is and always has been the main downfall of this species

#closed species #closed species vent #terralien #vent

[blondebooklion]

why it drives me crazy when people say c!ranboo has no morals but think c!wilbur and c!ranboo could still have potential to be narrative foils

morals:

loyalty to family/friends: in both his normal functioning and his enderwalk stage ranboo is incredibly defensive of his loved ones. this is 100% the center of his moral compass. he doesn't do certain things he fears will upset others (thus succumbing to peer pressure yes) but i deeply disagree with people argument that that is proof he has no moral backbone. particularly due to a couple of instances:

ranboo visiting tommy in exile: while not directly breaking the rules there was a general expectation, especially the people ranboo spent his time with, of not really visiting tommy. it wasnt really a set rule or anything but ranboo was definitely putting himself at risk by doing so.

protectiveness over michael: when sam and puffy showed up to prank ranboo, he was incredibly defensive over his son. he was ready to kill to protect his son if it came down to it.

rescuing tommy+tubbo: while we have it confirmed this instance was in their enderwalk stage, ranboo going both proves ranboos values in the enderwalk are the same (or i'd argue strengthened even) ranboo moved protectedly in front of tubbo when he and tommy had separated

forgiveness: he is willing to give people more than one chance, he is incredibly quick to judgements but for the most part he does not rely on other peoples opinions of each other to dictate the way he feels about them, he does take it into account in his overall image of them, but like with revivebur, he is willing to offer him a chance.

reciporcity to kindness: when people are kind to him, he is kind back. y'all let this slide as a moral with techno. it counts here. no im not counting it as necessarily loyalty because he is polite and kind even to those he isn't close to.

self-reliance: for better or worse ranboo does not think he needs other people to survive, in many instances he has displayed thinking he and everyone else would be better off if he were isolated. he does not want to depend too much in anyone, which can especially be seen in his desire for wealth. i think it has always been more about i dont have to rely on others, if things go south i can still survive (obviously part or it is needed something to do on stream, im applying other characteristics of ranboo to infer) but we can also see this in him retreating to himself (panic room, not telling anyone about his book being missing) when he is threatened because he believes the best way to handle it is himself

security: ranboo is incredibly driven bu his desire for safety and stability for both himself and for his loved ones. he thrives on consistency. he struggles the most when things begin to change.

difference between foil and antagonist (just for clarity cause some people have been switching up the definitions)

"an antagonist is a character who is in direct opposition to the protagonist. their actions deliberately hinder the protagonist from achieving her goal. this relationship helps build conflict and propels a story forward."

"a foil exists simply to shine the spotlight on certain traits of another character, without necessarily creating opposition or conflict."

credit: masterclass

the opposing traits/beliefs that i think will cause the most conflict between the two (ranboos will be written like this and wilburs like this to differentiate)

leader vs follower

probably the most obvious contention point, pointed out on 5/05 stream by wilbur pressing ranboo on what he stands for. wilbur wants to be in charge. but i think ranboo is how wilbur wanted people to value him. wilbur wanted to be the guy that everyone liked because he believed being liked comes with power. ranboo does not necessarily want to be well liked by everyone, but he wants to at least be neutral so he does do things in order to keep them on his side

conflict driven vs conflict averse

wilbur thrives on chaos and conflict, much like dream he is willing to manipulate situations. rqnboo does everything he possibly can to avoid it

cockiness vs insecurity

wilbur is obviously bold and arrogant. he thinks extremely highly of himself and the postions he does and could potentially hold. he is ruled by this factor and often does not think about the consquences of his rashly made decisions(thats not to say he isn't calculated or intelligent, he is, he just focuses on how things affect him rather than others)

means to an end vs no ulterior motives

all of ranboos bonds are strong because when he cares about people he does what he needs to to take care of them, they usually initiate out of instances of kindness, but he does not seem to expect anything in return. he cares about people because he loves them, nothing more nothing less. wilbur however while some of his relationships were initially based on care the motives became corrupted and its hard to say whether there are any relationships he has at this point that aren't ruled by some kind of benefit for him (my only guess for that would be phil)

similaries: paranoia, trust issues, secretiveness

ranboo and wilbur really are two sides of the same coin, yes they are opposites in a lot of aspects but despite the differences in their values orginate from the same place they jutted of in two completely different directions, they tried to solve the same issue in vastly different ways. ranboos paranoia was attempted to be solved by isolationism, while wilburs mainly tried to solve it through manipulation. ranboo pushed people away and wil tried to force them to be around. both backfired for them and caused them to retreat further into the paranoid states demonstrated by wilbur blowing up l'manburg and ranboo catastrophizing with hearing dreams voice.

I think wilbur's main contenion with ranboo resides in wilbur thinking ranboo glazes through life easily, and that they disagree on what morals means. being more confrontational does not mean you are more or less moral than another person. wilbur does not understand that differing morals does not equal none at all.

I don't think their relationship is going to act as an antagonist because while ranboo is actively keeping an eye on wilbur it wouldn't really make sense for ranboo to suddenly be more confrontational. I know a lot of people are citing the Burr vs Hamilton relationship as parallels in their dynamicI want to remind you that narrative foils are not conflicting in nature. conflict can happen. but the point of them is to highlight the differences in character traits.

likening to burr vs hamilton

burr wanted power but he wanted it to come to him vs hamilton wanting power and actively chasing it

yes this makes sense for wilbur, but it doesnt for ranboo. ranboo doesn't want power. he never has. the reason burr waits on the sidelinesnis cause he is waiting for the chance to act, but ranboo is not waiting for something to happen, in fact he would rather have the exact opposite, for things to be as uneventful as possible.

"Hamilton’s success at the expense of his personal life is countered by Burr’s relative lack of success and his happy family life. Both of these are directly due to the two’s differing goals and approaches to life. Burr and Hamilton are two side of the same coin, opposite results with the same starting conditions."

source

this is exactly what I referenced earlier between the two. ranboo cares about family, wilbur about career. while a lot of their behavior originated from a similar place, their paths rapidly diverged.

hamilton's downfall at burr's hand

i'm gonna be honest i find it extremely hard to believe that a situation will exist where wilbur waits and ranboo acts. however, if one does i still firmly believe it will be revolving around (likely in defense of) the people ranboo loves and cares about, specifically michael, tommy, tubbo. it would be where he is cementing his views of choosing people. but wilbur being hesitant is still difficult for me to think of a scenario on which he would that hesitant? for it to be his downfall?

important to note: ghostbur did also akin ranboo to burr so it is definitely possible that this dynamic is going to countinue to playout in the future

I will shut up now thank you for reading. reminder that this is just my interpretation and analysis, obviously looking at different details could lead to different conclusions. i'm super willing to discuss as long as we are both going to be respectful of each others opinions and courteous <3

#ranboo #wilbur soot #revivebur #long post #also let me know if i need to tw anything else #tw paranoia #tw anxiety #tw death mention

[muffins-are-ok-i-guess]

Nobody asked for this but given the boredom some people may be facing, I'm going to reccomend a few of my favorite games in no particular order in case anyone wants to try them.

1. Life is Strange.

Awesome story about friendship, love, mystery and time travel in a port side town. Lots of fun details to find. Definitely fun but not necessary to reply. Characters can be a little cringey but thats kind of what makes it fun. Unique mechanics and I like how the decisions you make have consequences.

2. Oxenfree

Super creepy but fun game. About a group of kids exploring a haunted island but get stuck in a time loop. Again, your dialog and decisions have consequences that may even carry through to the next playthrough of the game. Which i highly reccomend multiple playthroughs for both enjoyment and better understanding of the ins and outs of this insane story.

3. Prey

If you like first person shooter games with cool graphics, SPACE, and story then you are in for a treat. The monsters are super spooky and i love it. Did i mention SPACE?? This game imvoles stragey, mostly free exploration, and a crafting system.

4. Beyond Two Souls

This has near movie like graphics in my opinion. I like to play in chronological order but all over the place is fun too as you piece together the story of Jodie and her "friend" Aiden as they run from the goverment, fight spirits and get traumatized over and over. Your choices and actions matter and there's multiple endings.

5. Heavy Rain

You play as multiple characters, who could all die for goodsies if you pick the wrong choice. Each character is trying to solve the case of a serial killer and each character has different motives and approaches. Timing means a lot here so be ready for QTEs and other fast time decisions to make.

6. Detroit Become Human

Ever wonder about the possibilitu of AI evolving? Thats this game. Its an interesting reflection on similar current events while also portraying a future that could possibly happen irl. You play different characters and your actions and choices matter a lot here too. Even just watching the game is like a movie.

7. The Walking Dead

The style of these games is awesome. Very like the comics and cool cameos from both other game characters as well as characters from the live action show. Love the story but im not great at the quick time events so beware.

8. Uncharted 4

So i played these out of order but the Uncharted series is like a more funny tomb raider but just as fun. I didnt even feel lost playing the 4th one first.

9. Until Dawn

Put yourself into a classic "snowy mountain in the woods teen slasher" esque film as a game. Examine everything and be careful which relationships you nurture in this game. The end reveal is crazy and i love it. Discovery in this game can be your savior or your downfall.

10. The Last of Us

A neat take on a zombie apocalypse game. The story ro get from A to B has a lot of twists and turns and that sweet sweet found family trope between snarky kid Ellie and grizzly "I'm not you dad" Joel. Just because i suck at the fighting doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

11. The Wolf Among Us

Imagine if your fave fairy tale characters lived in New York. And were kind of assholes. And suddenly the Big Bad Wolf is kinda attractive. Welcome to the Wolf Among Us. Based on the Fables comic series, this comic stylized game involves choices that determine your progress as you try to solve more than a regular murder case.

12. Minecraft.

So I may be new to the Minecraft scene. Its not a new game. But its fun! Its simple and charming and relaxing even if you dont actually make any progress like i do. But catch me in my huge tower like Rapunzel, only hiding from Creepers and Endermen.

13. What Remains of Edith Finch.

A walking playthrough of a girl revisiting her abandoned childhood home and confronting the dark secrets and mysterious deaths of her family. Is it all coincidence or are there supernatural forces at play?

14. Little Misfortune

As the game tells you, Misfortune is a wonderful girl from a not so wonderful family. Follow along as this little, silly, and sweet girl goes on a journey to find Eternal Happiness. She is led by a strange voice that can talk to you, the player as well as Misfortune the character. Help her game play out by making choices and observations.

#video games #games #best games #what remains of edith finch #edith finch #lis #life is strange #max caulfield #chloe price #rachel amber #oxenfree #little misfortune #misfortune ramirez hernandez #the wolf among us #twau #the last of us #until dawn #beyond two souls #heavy rain #prey 2017 #morgan yu #detroid become human #detroit #dbh

[luobingmeis]

☕️ bakugou katsuki :)

[just as a general statement: i’m only at the start of season 4 !!!]

okay i LOVE bakugo like tbh i spent seasons 1 and 2 being like “oh my god i love him he’s such a shithead” but then once season 3 happened w/ the training camp and everything after i was like “oh..... OH..............” and also bc i think s3 is really when we start to see him.......... kinda reach out to his classmates? like i dont even remember the context or what he said but i remember early s3 thinking to myself “oh hey bakugo just..... gave his own form of motivation”

but like........ here is where bakugo GETS ME like, the fight he and deku had after the provisional licensing exam......... holy shit like 

1) of all things, i thought bakugo was going on the “i hate myself bc i was too weak and i got caught” route, which would’ve been heartbreaking in itself!!!! but instead we got “i hate myself bc i was too weak and i got caught and that in turn destroyed the hero i’ve admired my entire life and all might absolutely blames me” and that like. really got me tbh like i’ve always seen bakugo as a character whose pride will be his downfall and i think they really did it in such an interesting way bc bakugo truly blames himself for what happened to all might, even after all might assures him that he was going to lose his power anyway, and it just. makes me really sad, you know? bc yeah bakugo can be. aggressive. to say the least. but he’s still a kid, you know? and all might obviously cares for his students and he truly felt like he failed as bakugo’s teacher because bakugo was feeling so guilty and like. thinking back? i think we really do see that guilt? or at least the Effects of that guilt? and it makes me big sad :( not to mention the fact that, maybe it was just my interpretation, but the bakugo we see kidnapped by the LOV seemed to be scared, in his own way? like if im remembering correctly, he was like “you assholes won’t kill me, you want me for your league” but he was still Actually Thinking about his movements and what he was going to do? and during the fight with all for one, he actually admitted to himself that he was stuck? that he couldn’t get away from the LOV and therefore all might couldn’t fight to his full potential bc of the collateral damage? and just like to see bakugo Actually Accept that he’s in a bad situation + the guilt like........ oh boy

2) and also bakugo and deku’s actual fight was top tier holy shit like. the fact that deku was like “i’m not going to back down from this fight, not only am i the only one who understands what bakugo is going through and i know he needs to blow off some steam, but i’m also going to show him that he can’t push me around anymore” and bakugo like....... genuinely being upset that he beat deku? like i just keep thinking abt him asking all might why he chose deku to have one for all, especially bc bakugo then asks something along the lines of “but don’t you see that i’m weak now, too?” like.......... the fight was just so good and we saw how deku has progressed and made one for all his own quirk and also like. we almost see this tragic downfall-esque moment for bakugo? like bakugo’s fatal flaw is his pride and how he sees Any Type Of Help as a sign that he’s weak, and he finally felt this true moment of “everything i have done in my life has been wrong.” like, when he asks deku, “does this mean everything i’ve done to become just like all might has been wrong?” oh boy............. like i really want bakugo to learn that help =/= weakness, and even all might pointed it out that, while deku admires bakugo’s desire to win, bakugo “fears deku’s spirit” bc deku always acts with the intention to help others, and bakugo has always viewed that type of..... team work as a sign of weakness. i think it’s why he’s always going off on his own (like in the licensing exam), though hot take i wouldn’t be surprised if his penchant for doing his own thing is also tied to his guilt over what happened with all might

also though his friendship with kirishima???? top tier like tbh i love how kirishima seems to kinda see through bakugo and they really do seem to get each other :’)

i think my main thing with bakugo, and maybe this is a little too much heart-on-my-sleeve, but i kinda tend to have a bit of a soft spot for characters who are Angry A Lot like. maybe this sounds dumb but it’s very much this protective feeling of “ik what it’s like to be so consumed by anger that it sometimes feels like it’s the core of your personality and God do i want to see you heal” but i think that might be some projection on my end akjdsjkdjkds like i just get a bit sad bc bakugo, along with all the students, are Kids and the show doesn’t let you forget that they are Kids who always happen to be at the wrong place in the wrong time and it’s just like. i want him + all the characters to be able to heal

also tbh ik she’s only been seen like.......... twice but i have :/ thoughts :/ on bakugo’s mom and this is DEFINITELY projection but it really stood out to me how the way she described his quirk was “stupid awesome” in kinda a dismissive way and how she has that same aggressive behavior and. okay. that might have been for comedic effect like “ahahaha see how similar they are!!” like i get it and it also got a few chuckles out of me but also like. i am :/ bc parental figures play a Big Role in the show (such as deku’s love for his mom while all might essentially stands in as a father figure, todoroki having to actually address the hate he has towards his father [though i have hmm thoughts abt his situation with his mom too], and tbh i’ll even put iida with his older brother here bc of how much his goals align with making his brother/family proud) and it Really stands out to me how bakugo’s mom shares his anger/aggressive behavior but also seems to see him like. the rest of the world sees him. like while she did show care in being like “obviously i was worried about him, but when aizawa said that the LOV wouldn’t break his spirit, i knew he was in the right hands,” but i am overall very warily :/ at how similar they are, especially in a show that has already shown the depths of parental/guardian influence on its main cast of teenagers

and also there’s already been stuff said about how deku and bakugo eerily parallel all might and endeavor, right? like someone has already wrote a think-piece about that? bc with a show that actually has a very big commentary on breaking cycles of abuse (especially with todoroki), i am Big Eyes Emoji

(this isn’t to like. brush aside the mean things bakugo has done/said to deku and the other characters but like. i think it’s more than just “oh he’s just an asshole” like yeah he’s definitely abrasive and aggressive and jaded but it stems from this overwhelming sense of pride + a warped view of what it means to be a hero) (bc he really did only view being a hero as Winning and while that’s definitely a part of it, he ignored the more emotional side of it) (also don’t get me wrong his pride drives me up the wall a lot, especially thinking back to the sports festival, and again maybe this is me thinking too much or projecting, but it’s very obvious that he was heralded from the moment his quirk developed and that immediately made a recipe for disaster)

tldr: i love bakugo! a lot! he drives me up a wall but GOD get this kid some therapy <3

#HEY DID YOU EXPECT AN ESSAY WHEN YOU SENT THIS ASK #also this isnt proofread ajkdskjds #soulproof #////// #//////////////// #bnha

[filthyjanuary]

I've never seen an episode of supernatural all I see is what's on your blog and each and every day I become more confused about the writing of the show and why people enjoy it :l

okay well first off i am SO sorry you have to see me like this jknbuvgyuhjn i cannot believe im spnblogging in 2020 like im 15 again but things happen i guess.

second of all, the thing to know about supernatural is.... i think, for general audiences, it is an average-to-good show. it's not Bad. It's not Beloved and/or Acclaimed. objectively, i think is also probably the most balanced view of the show and is also probably what the cw and/or people who worked on the show see it as. it lasted 15 years because it consistently pulled in reliable numbers for the cw and grabbed a lot of demographics. like i know the tumblr bubble skews perceptions but, people of all ages, genders, sexualities watched and enjoyed supernatural, yes even to the very end. most people are also not looking at supernatural with the hyperfocused lens that tumblr is and that’s like... okay. those fans aren’t any less relevant or important. if only tumblr was watching supernatural, i promise it would’ve been cancelled like at least 7 years ago.

the spn *fandom* is interesting because like one, no one is watching the same fucking show. like we all watched the same episodes but like this fandom cant even agree on like...basic facets of canon, let alone digging into complex meta. people’s views of characters actions and motivations skew wildly. things one side of the fandom considers nearly canon are like essentially viewed as ooc on other sides of the fandom. you love and hate all the characters and everyone is always about to start swinging on everyone else. you have to simultaneously juggle the ideas that the writers — and for the record this show has had four showrunners and like a billion individual writers who all see and interpret it slightly differently — are brilliant and the writers legitimately are both stupid and bad at their jobs. you have to turn your brain off in terms of continuity because they retcon their own lore every 15 seconds. this isn’t even getting into the ship wars, the boundary crossing, the weird invasiveness , etc., etc., etc. supernatural’s writing is sometimes incredible, sometimes terrible, but generally pretty average, but it had a charm (ESPECIALLY IN SEASONS 1-3) that reeled you in, even if you hated the genre.

when a show is on this long, i think the fans (rightly so) will look back and dig in and get nitpicky on things they wish were covered with more care. things that the show obviously did not decide to write with the intention of addressing/grappling with later on. case in point: dean’s drinking habits. with the exception of like... season 7 where they DO address it, dean drinks a lot as a feature of his character with little to no consequence. he doesn’t get drunk. he’s always driving. it might as well be water. the writers don’t intend for that to be more than just a facet of what makes him a rough and tough action hero even though logically, he should be drunk all the time. even w/ interviews w/ the cast/crew, it’s clear the writers don’t think the fans will care and/or notice a lot of things. they do, because well, they’re invested. the fandom extrapolates because that’s what fandom does, but i really don’t think the writers connect those dots because dean’s drinking /isn’t/ a problem until they need it to be. because spn has gone on so long, it has more instances of things like this than other shows, and our cultural contexts have also evolved a lot along the way from 2005 to 2020. so again, there’s a lot to work with. i don’t really think that’s so much a reflection of the quality of the show than it is a reflection of how long it’s been on and the way society has changed since then. dean not knowing what myspace is is funny for two completely different reasons in 2005 and in 2020, for example.

my own personal opinion is, there’s a lot to enjoy about supernatural. seasons 1-5 are legitimately good tv. for all their flaws, they have a very clear aesthetic and tell a story that is well-structured and relatively coherent in terms of themes and continuity. they set up complex characters and relationships and everyone’s motivations make sense and that arc wraps on a tragic but ultimately narratively consistent and thus fulfilling point. of course, there’s stuff i personally like and dislike but separating my emotions from it, it’s very good. i think if anything, i would recommend anyone watch those five seasons and then decide whether they want to continue or not. if you don’t, you’ll end on a note that feels complete. it’s what i’m doing w/ my friend elaine, currently, actually. if she decides she wants to continue after 5, we’ll do that, but for now we’re just vibing in season 1. after that point, i think if you decide you care enough about the characters to push through wildly inconsistent writing, there’s stuff to enjoy in seasons 6-15, but the quality and particularly the consistency dips and this is also where the retconning really starts to...intensify. it’s also where the mythos of supernatural grows bigger than the show itself, which i think was always supernatural’s downfall. the crew started caring more about the whims of the fandom and frankly the fandom became more of the story than the show, and that’s how you get people piecing together what supernatural is based on out of context gifsets that skew perceptions wildly and get Supernatural Fandom™ which... frankly, in my opinion, changed fandom culture as a whole for the worse, like yes it’s a huge, powerful and often memeable behemoth but also... the way it changed creator-fan interactions is something we’re going to be unpacking for a long time. i think had the writers tuned out fandom wars and internet yelling and strived to tell a story that made sense and was well constructed to /them/, we wouldn’t be here and seasons 6-15 could’ve found a way to be as beloved as the first third of the show. i’m personally of the opinion that being a fan of something, for better or for worse, does not entitle you to part of it’s creative process. it doesn’t become a collaboration, and the door is always there if you get to the point where you want to leave. i think supernatural getting too caught up in its own fandom and balancing all these conflicting interests is ultimately what made the last 10 seasons, and particularly the back third of the show oftentimes flounder. the finale chaos, in my opinion, happened because they tried to please everyone by keeping too many things vague so people would have room to play in their own sandboxes and round out the story the way they wanted to see it and thus ultimately, a lot of things were left in the air and so for many people, the closure they were hoping for just wasn’t there.

i dont know how this became a long and scattered collection of thoughts but tldr, people enjoy supernatural because at the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable show and i think the more you stew in a fandom bubble, there’s more to get worked up about. which is fine. i like that fandom engages in complex conversations that the show won’t grapple with, but that’s not for everyone and i don’t think the fact that we have these conversations is necessarily an indictment of the show’s overall quality.

#asks #spn #long post #** #Anonymous #for the record #i liked the finale and i watched the show for 10 years of my life on and off because sam and dean winchester are two of the most interestin #interesting* characters and also have the most interesting dynamic i've ever see #seen*

[biomedstudyblr14]

In Depth

Hi there I’m Rachel. I decided to make a studyblr as I hope it will help motivate me to do better.

I’m probably a bit late.

Basically I left school with not so good qualifications. I worked really hard but the exams must’ve got to me and my hard work didn’t pay off. I had to go to college which I hated to start with, I didnt want to be there, but I got used to it and worked my socks off. ..and it worked , after a few failed tests , I managed to pass the rest and any resits and get an A in my graded unit! 

This enabled me to get into any uni of my choice, of the 4 I applied for I got into all of them and chose Abertay as they have an accredited biomed degree.

This year I started uni, direct entrant into 2nd year biomedical science. University has been different to what I expected, I dont know but I expected it to be better like the experience, in terms of work its as difficult as I expected.

I’ve had lots of downfalls , not got the grades I want but I guess a pass is a pass. I just hope I have done enough this year as my grades are important as I want to do a HCPC placement in an NHS lab. 

My university is almost finished so I will likely not be posting any of my own stuff until September.

Thanks to anyone who has followed me and I dont mind answering any questions, there always seems to be people curious about education in Scotland.

#scottish #scotland #scottish student #student #study blog #studyblr #mystuff

[rantsbymiriam]

Welcome bitches

My blog is back!!! No wait - my REAL blog is back. It's been so long. How i've missed blogging like the good old days. The time before PICTURES & captions took over. I still love pictures, but pictures can be faked. Blogs...well blogs can be faked too but it takes a lot more work to be fake. In this blog, it's gonna be so real, your mama sakit mata baca. 

I know I already have a blog (www.miriamomar.com) but that blog is only to talk about work and life related stuff that's super serious and super boring.  LETS BE REAL. I ain't gonna be swearing and dissing life crap in between posts about serious work stuff. ONE MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! My blogs are truly a reflection of my psyche. And these 2 blogs will show you two very different sides of me that I have (finally) come to terms with. 

On one side, I have this ~high achieving, give talks at conference, scholarship, academic, lecturer, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE, do the right thing goody two shoes~  side of myself. I call it my "Hermione" side. Which is really a big part of who I am. I can be extremely serious, philosophical and analytical "pseudo intellectual" bla bla bla. Basically, I have this complex about needing to KNOW EVERYTHING or else I would feel insecure and "unsafe". I also have an insatiable curiosity to understand the workings of the world and the true essence of being. Not many can follow my type of conversations. I know this because people start to yawn. My main hobby is to devour books and go around annoying people about what I read and telling them what to do (its true, i must stop I know im sorry everyone)

HOWEVER - this is not that blog. And this is not that side of myself that I would like to share to the world.. This space is for me to talk about THAT OTHER SIDE OF ME. The side that grew up in the depths of the longkangs in Kajang and Bangi. The side that got suspended in school multiple times because I asik dating dengan my boyfriend (now I realize it's just my "co-dependency" lol)  the side that tergolek in front of Zouk every Friday night (trauma symptoms lol) the side that your mama don't like and I have to cover-cover so your mama can still let you be friends with me!!! It's OK, don't worry, I won't be a bad influence this time around if I can help it. LOL

Well now, I have obviously mellowed out a lot. Like a LOT A LOT. I don't do crazy shit anymore. I have come to a place in my life that I have accepted my past and all the stuff I used to do (kak long kawasan etc etc) More on that bit later.

To be EXTREMELY honest, my life is not that interesting anymore. This is my first year of business as a full time artist, running Project MIRRO and part-time lecturing. I've been grinding and making ends meet like a robot. I haven't been out and about having a life since I got back from London in late 2017. I hardly get to see my friends or go out and lepak. I haven't dated at all. In fact,  I haven't met a new person of the opposite sex who isn't a business acquaintance or gay since 2017. And it's one more month to 2020. I'm not getting any younger either. Im 31 turning 32. and I totally don't have a life, let alone a LOVE LIFE. Oh My God 2.0. (Its okay I have more to say about this part it's not the end of the world)

Today I am supposed to work on a new collection release for Project MIRRO. I will do it right after I write this blog I PROMISE. It's just that, sometimes I have no more fuel to burn to run my life. Working alone in isolation, it gets to you sometimes. As an introvert, ITS GREAT, but it also has its downfall. MOTIVATION. This shit can't appear out of thin air ok. Bukan boleh beli online add to cart "Motivation" I'm literally that girl that has not seen the world and people in over 2 days. This could go up to 2 weeks. I'm just super comfortable on my own in my own world. I love it, I really do. TAPI, I know it's not good for me. I believe if im out and about, mixing and talking with people, I will probably get more income for my business. I know it. I dont know why I don't do it (malas sebenarnya) 

I have to say though, I have a pretty comfy studio..I dont feel the need to go out. I am very much comfortable in this space for me to create and be myself. But I also know that perhaps its not the best time for me to be in isolation at such an early phase of my new "art career" whatever that means. Whatever im going through now reminds me of how I was at my first job back in 2012. I am starting all over again, learning all over again with this new life path. Its hard, uncomfortable, and super consuming. And im doing it, LEGIT, all alone. Mana tak rasa cam kepala nak meletup. Obviously kepala I dah meletup a few times. Then I realized its because I don't have a new outlet to release stress. I used to paint to release stress but now it's my job. I need something ELSE. 

I've been playing music again, writing songs again (im NOT gonna show it to anyone I would probably die of embarrassment)So it seems like, sejak dua menjak ni, I feel the need to EXPRESS. To write again. To "communicate" without leaving my nest. This is the next best thing la for me since I am such a pemalas to mandi and pakai baju. I've been in the same kaftan for 2 days. WOOOTT. This is the best thing abt working from home. NOBODY CARES WHAT U WEAR!! But don't worry I totally mandi and gosok gigi for you aunties gasping and gossiping about this anak dara tak senonoh. Ishhhh.

Anyway, whatsup people? How are you guys? How is life?????!! I just realized back then when I wrote in this blog (with the same name), I had READERS. I just never really read the comments or participated in my "community" of readers. I should've. I will try do better this time and get conversations going. Reply and all that. PARTICIPATE. 

Ok its already 1.15pm now and I really need to get back to work. I have lots to rant about later malam sikit bila dah sunyi sepi and lonely lolol. Thanks for reading. Goodbye for now.

[julibf]

WHY THE END OF GAME OF THRONES IS NOT WORKING FOR ME...

I told in some of my past metas that I wrote after the show was done, why the ending was so unsatisfying and I am going to try to explain why here in some point. I have to say, the fact it was so sad and heartbreaking is not really the reason. The Mists of Avalon was my go to novels in my teen years, its VERY sad and heartbreaking, yet it felt right by the end. It made sense.

This is not how I am feeling by the end of GAME OF THORNES and I am afraid to say, Its George RRM who is letting me down, not Benioff and Weiss. So lets start with the points that are making my head spin.

BRAN THE BROKEN KING

If accept Bran Stark as the final King of this story, I have to pretend I didnt read the past books A CLASH IF KINGS and a FEAST FOR CROWS, where we had very good contenders fighting for the Throne (Rob Stark, Renly Baratheon, Stannis Baratheon, Joffrey Baratheon, etc) Yes, some of tyhose men were not so good from a moral point of view, but they brought strength, militar support, militar and political alliances, legitime claims to the Throne...

I could go on and on and on. There is absolutely no reason for why would Yara Greyjoy would bend the knee to Brandon Stark and accept him as her leader and ruler; or the Prince of Dorne, or the Lords from the Westerlands. This choice is absolutely absurd and if you read the books you would know that picking a boy king, with no claim to the Throne or no powerful armies makes any sense at all. Not to mention, I really dislike the idea that humans are incapable to control their own emotions, and because of that we must pick a God like creature with no emotions. 

Whe we add the fact Bran had hardly any experience ruling or leading people during the 7 years of this story, this pick gets evern mroe and mroe bizarre. I understand George wanted a surprising ending and he wanted to go against the expectations, but this choice is an utopia. I cant get behind this choice. I am sorry.

TYRION HAND OF THE KING

Again, do I have to pretend I didnt read the books and actually know that being a Kingslayer is a very terrible sin to carry on Westeros??? Tyrion is not a beloved figure in this story, even before he killed his own father, Tywin Lannister. 

Tyrion decision to kill his father, not only started the downfall of House Lannister, it also made the entire region of the Westerlands political weaker and more vunerable to future attacks.He must be a very despised figure in the entire realm. Yet, he will be the secind person in charge of Westeros?? 

At this point I am at loss of words. I have no idea what George is planning with this.

JON KILLING DAENERYS AS A LOVER IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Awful, terrible, horrible idea. Any way you slice, this was a terrible idea to end such amazing novel. Its corny, outdated and down right dangerous, considering we live in a world where females are at risk of being murdered by their male partners all the time. 

This is such underwhelming decision, in a sea of underwelming decisions that I am starting to think George was simply trying to make us all hate this ending. 

We could have the realm raising in Rebelion against the Queen of Ashes; we could have second Dance of Dragons; We could have Arya using her underused super powers as a Faceless men to kill Daenerys.  No, we will have Jon Snow, still making excuses for Daenerys terrible behavior, begging her to start acting better???? telling her she will always be his queen while putitng a dagger into her heart!!! 

Agian, this ending is coming from George himself. I cant really blame the D’s for this mess. 

JON SNOW AND DAENERYS TARGARYEN ROMANCE WAS ANOTHER TERRIBLE IDEA. 

Awful, terrible, horrible idea. Any way you slice, this was a terrible idea to end such amazing novel. If you dont believe Political Jon theory, than Jon Snow is just a completely fool, who fell in love with a tyrant, closed his eyes to all her terrible behavior and in the end was forced to kill the love of his life to save humanity. He is a idiot. and it breaks my heart this is how Jon will be remembered by audiences.  Some people keep on telling me. “Oh, by, I dont think this is how George will write him, I think its going to be much better” But I have to say, I dont think it will. 

I do believe Jon was playing Dany in the beggining of their romance and was manipulating her in order to use her dragons and armies to save the North, but I also believe that once he finds out she is his family too, he started to became divided between his Targ and Stark familes. He is a family man in the end of the day and he must feel some sort of guilty for his actions towards D@ny. 

I think that George will keep Political Jon hidden between the lines, just like the show did. He may write much betetr and be more obvious, but I dont think it will ever be revealed explicit to the audience. 

Here is what I think George is trying to do with Jon. In one side we have Jon Snow trying his best to save the North and his family and doing wherever its takes to protect them, and doing not some nice things, like manipulating a woman and seducing her in order to save his realm; We also have the Rheagar son, who is in love with Sansa and who had prmoised to protect her no matter waht. 

In the other side we have the Ned Stark son, who wants to keep his vows to D@ny and wants to fulfil his promise to her; wants to do his duty; We also have the family man, who is trying to see the best in this horrible tryant and fighting the idea of becoming a kinslayer. Ned Stark would be horrified to have to kill another Stark.

Thats why I believe Jon was so conflicted about killing D@ny in the end. But in the end, its just too much. Too fucking much. No, I dont want Jon Snow, after so many years, after so much pain and disaster to still be wondering if he must kill a tyrant to save his God damn family and people. FFS, I wanted Jon to kill D@ny like Jaime killed Aerys, with conviction that he was doing the right thing. 

I wished Jon and Dany had been just allies and later becamed enemies. This would be a much better ending for both characters.

HIDDING THE POV’s AND THE CHARACTERS REAL MOTIVATIONS

You know this will happen in the books too and I am already dreading. Basically, does Jon believes D@ny is a terrible ruler and its scared of her?? oh well, I will keep this behind the lines, so that the readers dont catch up that she is the monster of the story; Does Jon has feeling for Sansa, her cousing sister? oh well, I will keep this very hidden and boscure and will make the Jon and D@ny romance seems its the love story of the novels;Does Sansa has real feelings for Jon and its desperately trying to keep him as KITN?? of well, I will also keep Sansa’s feelings and desires hidden and in contrast, I will make her animosity towards D@ny very appparent and imply its because Sansa wants to be a queen herself.

There is no reason Jon Snow would fall for someone as entitled and arrogant as D@enerys, none. George is making a disservice to his hero by pretending he is madly in love with this spoiled brat. This storyline is awful, even if Jon is pretending he is in love with D@ny. 

The only reason he is writting this crap is to hide from the audience how very terrible D@ny is, he is manipulating the reader. If Jon Snow never complains about Daenerys cruel decision to forbid him to ever tell anyone about his real name, than the reader will also never question Daenerys terrible decision. Her terrible behavior is almost forgotten. 

If Sansa doesnt follow Jon’s pleas and tells Tyrion about Jon’s identidy, but keeps to herself the real reason she wants Jon free from D@enerys, than the audience will be mad at Sansa, for 

Second of, I am tired of the show playing with this Dark Sansa character and now I believe this is how the books will do it too. They will hide Sansa’s real motivations (like love for Jon and her family) and make more salient for the reader the false motives, like her hunger for power.

If you ask a tv  viewer, Sansa got everything she wanted, because her feelings for Jon were almost hidden to the audience, but her desire for an independent North were made very salient. Why not write a line where she says she doesnt want to be queen, that she wants Jon Snow safe and protect in Winterfell and that she wants him to continue as KITN? Well, because they want this storyline to be implicit and this is just too frustratin for me.

AS YOU SEE....

By the end of the day, I am disspaointed in George, not really the TV show, which is even more sadder. I think he wrote a very beautiful story, but his ending is taking away all my joy for those characters and this novel. I know he wanted avoid the expected and subvert the expecations, but he is shooting his own story in their foot. And its braking my heart. 

What terrible way to end such fascinating tale...

[searchingformylostpan]

Home, alone, again... need this to change...i need dinner friends but there's only one person i actually want to hang out with... maybe soon, i hope. It needs to be soon...i have myself figured out, and my downfall is when i gwt bored. The voices start to take over and bring me to a very dark spot that i desperately try to get out of in healthy ways, they just are not effective. Adequate distractions include friends, work, and when all else fails, drugs unfortunately. I need to stop getting to that breaking point...it comes too frequently esp now that im so close to having the company i crave, but its still firmly out of my grasp. Its not that im just bored and want someone to hang out with, im trying to retrain my brain. Its been stuck in the instant gratification way of dealing with any problems since i can remember. Right now, is the most critical time. I need to set new habits and routines, ones that i can and will actually do. It takes 21 days to build a new habit and much longer to break the bad ones. If i can make it 21 days of doing something positive instead of sitting in my bathroom out of habit even though its been thoroughly combed through for any amd all trace of something that might offer some of the instant gratification my mind is screaming at my constantly for. Yes, i hate to admit it, it really goes to show the level that the addiction has over me that i never quite accepted before...it made me search my bathroom top to bottom with a flashlight in hopes of finding even the most miniscule ammount of the thing im at the same time trying to avoid. At least now i can stop searching. Nothing was found in the last few days, so theoretically i can give up hope of finding anything and leave the bathroom and move on with my life. Only problem, i dont know what else to do. Nothing sounds at all appealing, i cant even make my self stress clean like i used to. Theres not really any stress now, just this cavernous pit that has opened up inside of me, growing by the day, waiting for its moment to finally and fully consume me. Im not bored, theres a lot more to it than that. Im trying to do something that takes most people years, impatient treatment and a whole lot more loss than i have gone through in order to overcome it. And even then, the long term success rate is not too impressive. I want to be one of the lucky ones, one of the strong willed recovery stories you hear about . The people who can put it down one day and never go back to it because they can actually stick to what they set their mind to even when it gets rough. What i need, even for a few days to help my retraining start off right is a strong postitive influence in my life who i can trust, who i look up to amd who i want to see me do better. Theres only one person in that category....however that one is no longer someone who can be there for me when i need help...its super painful to know that as soon as i hear word ill do just about anything, and thats what helped me take the first step towards ending this. I do not want to loose you. In the thick of it with my heart freshly wounded, i pushed you away not wanting to ever feel this pain again, and numbing it out the best i could manage. I let it go way too far and for far too long. It ruined my best chance of actually beating this. The discouragement i feel from knowing that you need to distance yourself from me so heavily even though i DESPERATELY want to beat this is intense. It almost makes me want to give up altogether so i dont have to feel the extreme level of shame and guilt that i do every time we speak. But that wont make anything better. Itll make the voices quiet down for a little while, then theyll be back telling me that i fucked up again. And if it happens again, theres no hope of me ever getting out of this tbh. If you have to permanently give up on me, or really take any more steps backwards (im not too sure theres a whole lot further back you could go...) i dont know what my motivation will be...i dont know what ill reach for to remind myself of a brighter future. I cant go back

to it ever again if i want any kind of a hope of escape. I solidly know that and yet its all i can think about. I cant take my mind off it, how easy it would be to get it, how itll let me relax, how much better it would make me feel. But its all a lie, its not real and when i come back down there will be nothing left for me, i might as well sign my lease on a plot at the park. I need positive influences, i need a physical reminder of why im doing this, that i can do this, and that i want this. I always know that i want to spend every day from here on with you, but its hard to convince myself sometimes that you would want that too. You do right? Im trying to convince my brain of these things when i ask. It loves making me feel like shit, and when im alone, and you dont feel comfortable with making 5 minutes for me, when you dont want to fight for me in your life while im having the biggest battle of my life. All i want is something i cant have. Idk it just deleted a huge chunk of this. Im on a cliff right now and all i want to do is fall off. Theres no one holding me back, no one looking out for me, no one there to answer my cries for help. It all feels so pointless, will there ever be an escape? Will this horrible empty feeling ever go away? Im really not sure. I need it to though. Its not something im ok with feeling really any longer at all. But i know if i slip up thats it. I dont just loose you, but i loose my hope of actually getting out of this. I loose my desire to show someone i can be better than this, i loose my desire to fight for any kind of a better life. If i push the one i love so deeply and would do anything for, whats the point. I fucking miss you. I feel so empty and forgotten...i feel like im a burden on you, you have so much else to deal with you dont need my problems too. I made them all myself anyways, i should be able to deal with them myself too right? I need to break the habit, i need to eatablish things that actually make me feel ok, that give me a reason to want to live. Its near impossible to do that on my own while im feeling this low. You remind me of all the good i want in my life, of how i can be a better person, youre the one i want to be better for. Im having trouble convincing my brain that this distance will ever end...that this empty feeling can ever subside. If i could see you for even a few moments, it would help, if i could have any contact rn really...but from 5 till around 12 its typically pretty quiet. I expext that, yet i still hope for something. I dont want to cause you amy more trouble, and my name even mentioned in your house does just that. Idk what to do. I need someone sober who i want to improve for who wants me around, as i am now. Idk where to go from here. I need to stop feeling this low or ill never get the constant reel in my head to stop and ill fail again, probably soon. I cant do that if i want any chance at that letter not being sent. I cant do that if i ever want anything good ever again. I need something to take my mind off of this, but nothing is working. The only times i feel normal are when im with you...thats all i want, is to experience all that life has to offer with you, from this moment on. Maybe someday, but ill have to do the impossible first. Ill have to continue saying no to the thing that would offer me somw relif from this feeling. The only thing that is anywhere near it is actually a million times better, more sustainable, healthy and real...maybe too good to be true however...i wish i could hold you and never let go, i wish i could see you, hear you, feel you, love you...all right this moment. Being alone is not good for me right now. Its the quickest and most direct path to failure. But its the only avalible option i have right now. Theres really no other route for me now, no matter how much i search, im left with stewing in my own self made hell. When will this end? Will it? Is there any relief to be seen?

#Not a pity post #Just informing of.current #mental state

[mrcatlion]

vld s5 spoilery thoughts

hey, so, I know that I dont usually post stuff like this on here(or anywhere else), but some of it is future fan comic ideas that I want to test, and I need to vent.

Also, does anyone have any suggestions on when is an ok time to post fanart based on s5? I’m thinking of putting a spoiler warning on top of some works, but I’d still like to know everyones thoughts before I post anything.

but yeah, spoilers under the cut

So, I’m just going to preface this that I still feel an intense emotional reaction to thinking about Sephiroth’s downfall in Final Fantasy VII. Like, I made an AU where Cloud or Zack just give a little bit of emotional support to Sephiroth during his time in the library and because of that, he has a better time dealing with learning about all the bullshit surrounding his linage. And after seeing The Last Jedi and Black Panther, there was this hole in my heart for a good, interesting villain redemption that I was craving.

And its because of this that I dont know if Lotor’s arc in this season was actually good, or if I just really needed him not to be Sephiroth.

THEY LITERALLY HAD A SCENE WITH OUR LONG WHITE HAIRED BOY LOOKING THROUGH AN INFORMATION ARCHIVE THAT HAD LIFE CHANGING INFO ON HIS MOM and they didnt pull a sephiroth

Im still ready for anything to happen to everyone at this point, but I just really like that they could have gone down making him a backstabbing fuckboy. Like when Allura got the Altaen Alchemy magical chosen whatever, Lotor’s response to his own shortcomings was not a tantrum, or even an envious grimace, but instead he was really supportive of her. Like, he was happy for her? and genuine??!?!? And he felt comfortable enough to tell her about some really intense abuse from his racist dictator dad???? AND SHE WAS SUPPORTIVE BACK!?!?!?

I just didnt know I really needed Allura and Lotor being supportive friends. He could backstab her the first episode of season 6 and I’d still be like “at least I got to enjoy it for a few months”

Going backwards tho, It was kind of weird that Haggar/Shiro/Kuro had to sneak Lotor a weapon during the hostage exchange. It was a great fight scene, but I feel like they could have at least given him a communicator to talk to them in case something went wrong? The one solid thing in season 5 is that Galra culture has evolved to include a lot of backstabbing and power play, and its kind of a miracle that they had the real Sam Holt on the ship at all. I was not convinced that Sam was not another hologram until Pidge touched him. That episode had a lot of weird moments(Matt’s hair loop skips in one scene and I died). I also feel like if they gave a little more time at the end to let Zarkon’s death sink in a little bit too. Even just a moment for someone to walk up to him and be like “yeah he’s dead. Kill confirmed” would have helped.

Also I cant stop thinking about how bored Lotor would get in that cell, but the minute he hears Shiro and Allura coming, he’d jump back to his feet like “ive totally just been standing here the whole time”

I also doodled a comic where Allura hugs Lotor and afterwards Lotor attempts to hug everyone else. I dont even care if its in character or not, I’m making it an no one can stop me. I just really need to make it.

I’m really hoping for Lotor to just be able to be a nice leader with Voltron as political and emotional support. The galra get to start working on getting that colonizing out of their system, Lotor gets an actual family. He’s probably going to be usurped next season, but I’m still content imagining that his reaction to the Garrison trio’s antics as a light scolding followed by “invite me next time”

I dont know why, but I find it funny that, the one thing Sam Holt did was suggest hacking the tree virus, and then leaves.

Also, Sam Holt is the best space dad. Coran is best space uncle, but Sam is best Space dad, no contest.

ALSO I CANT GET OVER CORAN’S RANDOM PARASITE GAG WHAT WAS THAT JOKE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

I realized watching the Galra fighting each other, and going back to the tree planet, and just the succession of power in the Galra while the blades set up to destroy the Galra elite, Voltron scratches that need for interesting alien species and cultures and variety that I always craved watching Ben 10 as a kid. I wish vld existed when I was a 13 year old so I could get into it when I had time and energy.

Pidge and Hunk were good. Pidge was the best achieving her dreams. Hunk could have done more, but at least he had some good lines and might have joined the ‘lowkey concerned for shiro’ club with Lance and Allura.

Speaking of Lance, I’m kind of unsure how I feel about him? I was really into his arc with self doubt and identity as the team sharp shooter and being a great second in command, and the sword thing kinda felt like a weird side step on all that buildup. On one hand he had genuinely good interactions with Allura, but still devolved into unwarranted jealousy at times? w/e. At least he ended on a good note, but I feel like all the stuff that I was getting into with his character isnt there anymore? idk

Actually, rereading this over, I’m hoping that that ending note with Lance and Shiro kinda hinted that Lance is still a really good second in command, and he can be support for both Keith and Shiro as leaders.

Keith was there. Im kind of disappointed that no one talked about Keiths actions at the end of the last season, but oh well. Kolivan had to have known who he was sending Keith to, right? I cant tell if this is going to be some Marmora loyalty test, if Kolivan was knowingly orchestrating that family reunion, or if he just didnt know. I’m also hoping to see if they touch on how the more Keith learns about his bio family, the more he seems to be drifting away from his adoptive brother...

Also tho, I have no idea what Haggar’s actual motives are, but this season had a lot of cool stuff for her? Like, I think they’re implying that Haggar genuinely wants the best for Lotor, but knows that if he takes the thrown, the weight of Galra empire will destroy him. But she also hasnt told Lotor who she really is for some reason, and I’m still scared that that knowledge could also mess with him, because it sounds like Haggar has also done some traumatic stuff to Lotor despite/because the struggle just to get her zombie baby. It seems like she’s trying to look out for him with project kuron? IDK??? I love Haggar so much but I’m also so scared at what she could do to everyone???? I’m still full force ready for Kuron to be confirmed tho.

Actually, I think that by the end, there were some other fancomic ideas that I have in production that are still technically in character? So as long as I can get them done by July, I should be good!(of course one of them was the Halloween fancomic...)

So yeah, all in all, s5 had a lot of things that I really needed emotionally, however I am  prepared for dreamworks to rip my heart out and smash it into the ground.

#season 5 spoilers #vld season 5 #season 5 #vld s5 #vld s5 spoilers #voltron legendary defender season 5 #voltron legendary defender season 5 spoilers #voltron legendary defender s5 #voltron legendary defender s5 spoilers #if theres any other blacklisted spoilers taggs #let me know and I'll add it to the tags! #I just really needed to get that out of my system

[cockholmsyndrome]

Hi Piea, so the new school year is starting up and you seem to be pretty successful so I was wondering if you have any tips to keep motivated and work well. I'm a huge procrastinator so that's my downfall. I also have social anxiety so I'm reluctant to put myself out there in terms of ec's and stuff. If you have any tips for that as well, it would be great.

youre so cuuute! 

1. be realistic with yourself in regards to how to plan your times to study. if you get distracted by technology, study in a place with ONLY the paperback material of your subject. leave your phone/laptop at home and make a trip to the library or cafe with your material. 

2. if you’re getting anxious in general, lock yourself in a room and literally talk to yourself. dump all your thoughts out through your own speech or scribble your thoughts down onto a paper. ive been enjoying the whole ‘talk to yourself’ shit. i literally do it lol.. sit in my room and go ‘piea you need to calm the fuck down, the semester hasnt even started yet...’ 

3. staying motivated is so tough... my anxiety is what gets me to study. i apparently have type a personality disorder and i feel like i’ll fail if i dont study any free chance i get. i just think to myself like ‘hey if i do really well now, i’ll be safe if i fuck up towards the end of my college career in terms of GPA. study hard now in case you almost fall on your ass near the finish line’. its a strange way to think but motivation all relies on your mental skills. 

#anyone have tips for social anxiety?????????? #Anonymous

[hardytoms]

Rules: Answer the questions at the bottom, then make up 10 of your own for the next person to answer.

tagged by @burgessinthestreets and @nightcourtfury​ so I’m doing both of their sets of questions :) Putting it under a read more - sorry if you’re on mobile! I’m not tagging anyone (if you want to do any of these feel free to just pick a random 10 and say I tagged you! I’d love to read your answers!) but I wanted to answer these because they were fun

Carla’s Questions

1. Nature vs. Nurture and why? Both. Stories of twins growing up separately but having the same personality traits and likes/dislikes is really interesting to me (a flimsy rationale for nature but it’s been many years since I’ve taken a college level psychology course that talks about this hahaha) but also I think nurture has a HUGE effect on personalities. People choose how they want to act ultimately and that’s 100% affected by their environments

2. What is your interior design aesthetic? tbh i just want a lot of plants and some semblance of organization. also hardwood floors and big windows 

3. What is your biggest fear? my family and friends dying

4. Pancakes or French toast? french toast 10000%

5. The sciences or the arts? both! also are they really mutually exclusive?

6. Government: should it be big or small? S M A L L

7. Your least favorite chore? doing the dishes

8. What is your Achilles heel (what would be your downfall)? my need to be there and be a constant source of support for everyone all the time

9. The traits you find the most deplorable in others? (aside from the obvious -ism’s/-gyny’s) no sense of loyalty, liars, lack of compassion 

10. Five things you love about yourself? my sense of humor, my strength, my eyes, my hair, my compassion

Kristine’s Questions

1. If you had to wear only one color for the rest of your life which would you choose? omg black

2. A song you play during roadtrips? pfft Life is a Highway NEXT

3. One place you would love to visit? If I wasn’t going to Ireland in April I’d say that but otherwise Norway and Banff !!

4. Favorite greek mythology story/character? Anything surrounding Hades is good shit so for characters probably him but story-wise Achilles and Odysseus probably! Pandora’s is a v good story too

5. Favorite quote? “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”

“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” 

“How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.”

I HAVE SO MANY I CANT CHOOSE JUST ONE

6. A favorite book that you find yourself rereading over and over again? harry potter is my number one

7. Best movie series to marathon? LORD OF THE RINGS

8. What is one thing you keep saying you’re going to try? fucking learning how to do embroidery

9. One makeup item you carry with you always? does chapstick count??? i dont carry any makeup with me unless im going out and if i am then its whatever lip color im wearing!

10. Any advice? be fuckin nice to people

#thx pals i love you both #about me #things im tagged in

[everythingmustgo]

heyO i was wonderin if i could do a tarrot reading and an analysis? if not its fine! but my signs are cancer sun, libra moon, leo rising, mercury cancer, venus virgo, mars leo, jupiter cancer, n saturn gemini! thank u in advance!

hello hello ofc u can !!! my tarot readings r £2 per card used so if u wanna have a look at my tarot page nd pick the spread u want then go for it!!! ill do ya analysis just now !okay so cancer suns r honestly my FAVS like my gf is a cancer nd shes so sweet nd caring, cancer suns want to protect u, theyre very maternal in their loving? very nurturing, they show their love thru looking after u and making sure ur okay. sooooooo emotional, all u water signs r crybabies tbh, ur emotions rly do dictate ur life and ur not in control of them so much as they r in control of u. the kind of ppl that cry from every emotion cuz they feel so deeply. the thing abt cancers tho is even tho theyre loving and caring, theyre always looking out for no. 1. big on self preservation, if they had the option to save u or them, theyd save their damn self no question. if a cancer if upset, anyone elses feelings go out the window. if u nd a cancer r upset, u can bet ur ass the cancer’s feelings come first. this is bc of how strong their feelings r for sure, they just dont have room in them for negative feelings that arent. theres ukno. they need so much emotional support, as caring as they r they struggle a lot with insecurity and need constant reassurance. often the only constant thing in their life is their own emotional turmoil, and they have a tendency to wallow in it and expect others to make it better. this is honestly one of the only bad qualities in cancers imo like I love water signs nd they rly r the most sweet nd caring ppl, they just have Issues nd r fiercely protective of themselves. cancer/libra is a good combo imo!!! libra moons r very diplomatic, have an innate sense of justice and a deep need for peace and harmony. bc this is ur moon sign this would suggest that this is ur strongest desire, this is rly what drives all of ur actions. ur a peacekeeper, u settle arguments nd everyone immediately seems to like u bc of the knack u have to see all sides of an argument. bc of this ur not strongly opinionated, u have principles but ur always open to persuasion and generally look for a balance between two options. big on equality, ur middle ground attitude to arguments can sometimes b mistaken for weakness of opinion but ur driven more by the need for fairness which is v strong in u. bc this is ur moon sign this is the part of u that cannot b suppressed: ppl will always see ur moon sign, nd while u have a certain amount of choice over how much of ur sun sign self u express (ur core personality, often one u grow into nd recognise within urself as u get older), ur moon sign cannot b hidden. ppl will always recognise ur balanced and fair nature, nd honestly for a libra moon this is a great thing bc ppl generally Love libras bc of this !!! they r fair nd will never immediately write off anyones opinions as invalid, somehow finding a way to agree with everyone. plus as an air sign u have great communication skills nd ppl will feel v comfortable talking to u. they have a veeeeeery strong need to b liked tho, which often drives their agreement w everyone. they need a thriving social life and to be in a relationship, most libras feel v lost w/o a partner. theyre romantics at heart, ruled by venus, but also feel they need a strong person in their life to make their decisions for them. this is the libra downfall, they r. wishy washy ppl. sometimes u NEED strong opinions? like even if u desire fairness, nd r immediately uncomfortable when fairness in a situation becomes almost impossible to achieve, there r times when u need to have a strong opinions? the idea of holding an opinion that some people will object to is stressful for a libra. this means ur one of the most indecisive, vague and easily influenced signs and u need to think for urself more!!! libras r all too dependant on others and see the route to peace and inner balance as pleasing everyone, which isnt always the case. u need to take urself and ur own feelings into consideration, be independent. as this is ur moon sign, ur approach to emotions is heavily ruled by ur libra. u keep things to urself as u dont like to distress others w ur emotions or hav them think differently of u bc of it, u see the solution to ur problems as to deal w them urself and problem solve ur way out of it, and while this is a skill of urs and u will most likely come up w good solutions, its not healthy to take it all on urself. I do love libras tbh but. they can b fake as hell w their niceness. u need to let urself open up more nd realise theres more to life than being liked, nd peace can b achieved w/o pleasing everyone, and w doing things for urself. ok ok I rly went to town on ya moon there so ill try nd keep ya rising short, so ur a leo rising which is v different from ur sun nd moon !!! all of ur signs r different elements which suggests ur v well rounded nd have a lot of different aspects to ur personality!!! ur leo rising means that the way u express urself and how others perceive u is far more dramatic than ur sun and moon, honestly u like to b seen as Extra. v focused on ur appearance, sociable and outgoing, loooooves to b the centre of attention. this im thinking is the strongest of ur signs nd fits very well w ur libra and cancer, who hav more vulnerability when it comes to others. leos have a lot of charm and likeability from the confidence they exude, which can likely be a protection for your libra fears of being disliked, and your highly emotional cancer sun. leos are also incredibly loyal and generous, a leo friend will absolutely spoil u and think nothing of spending lots of money on u (theyre v materialistic so often buying things for u is how they express affection). however they do often keep others in their shadow bc they like the attention so much, so its possible that until others get to know u very well, they will feel intimidated by u. u like to express urself dramatically and perhaps as opinionated in an attempt to hide ur libra indecisiveness and dependence on others to make ur decisions, which ur cancer sun will make u feel v insecure abt !!! theres a lot of interlinking insecurity between the signs with u lmao they work well together but theres certainly a lot going on. when ppl meet u, theyll hear abt ur social status and ur charm, but then discover ur sense of fairness and need for peace and equality, as well as ur emotional, nurturing side as they get closer to u.im gonna do a v brief explanation of ur planets if thats okay but if u want more info u can 100% ask for it its okay!!!so bc ur mercury is the same as ur sun sign its likely ur thought process, mental abilities and communication skills r v close to ur core personality and the way u think is an important part of who u r. bc its in cancer its gonna b emotional: ur mentality r hiiiighly emotion driven, and its hard for u not to let ur feelings get in the way of ur thought process and capacity for ideas and planning. ur 100% an overthinker, nd even tho u care for others deeply, ur plans will always result in u reaping the most benefits. ur venus virgo means ur a lover of beauty and a big romantic imo, but also a perfectionist. ur attracted to people u can fix up, which is a big downfall of virgos. they like to fix things, esp ppl, ESP in venus wow. u may notice a pattern of friends nd partners who rely on u to Fix Them, u may notice u r drawn to ppl w Issues bc u want to help them get better. ur a big worrier when it comes to relationships. leo mars wow this is the realm of action and u GO for it. everything u do u do 110% nd u wanna make a big show of it. u wanna b seen as an achiever, someone whos doing great things in life nd lookin hot while doing it. u want appreciation and attention for doing it. p much all of ur actions r to b noticed nd appreciated for what u do, its a big motive. ur in it for u. jupiter jupiter realm o wisdom nd knowledge, cancer again so id reckon important to u. mercury nd jupiter often go hand in hand so its fitting they r the same. again, emotional, again, caring, again, selfish. u have a deep understanding of ur own and others feelings, ur v intuitive nd use ur feelings to help u understand the world around u. ur feelings influence how u learn, if u dont love smth ur not gon learn it. cancer is ruled by the moon, id say ur v wise and trustworthy. saturn is jupiters restrictive counterpart, all abt boundaries nd structure. as its in gemini I reckon ur a fast learner nd once u learn ur lesson u will never forget. u like to scheme and plan, ur intelligent nd sociable but the way u plan ur life may distress u. u may often b highly conflicted over how u structure ur life, part of u loving the control of routine and part of u loving the freedom of no structure whatsoever.hope this made sense !!! u got any more questions let me kno, hmu when uve decided what spread u want for ur reading 💕