#i didn't want to engage in the community i didn't want to suddenly deal with the issue of finding a girlfriend

[rosaniruby]

It's interesting how the second sentence victor starts the story with is "My ancestors had been for many years counsellors and syndics" and while i always focused on the effect it has on, for example, victor; trying to see the life of alphonse is also interesting in the way we can observe his trauma leaking out into his parenting methods and attitude towards his kids and wife.

Like,

-It is said they have a long history with being important and engaged in country's business. And as we see Alphonsa followed it, (and i highly suspect even when he sent victor to college he still expected him to take over this position later on), probably not having much of a choice either. It was all passed down, and even the character of this job is being passed down too. For example, traits fitting this job - responsibilities/brain over feelings. A sense of duty that follows them everywhere. Love isn't unconditional, it's a duty, as well as everything else they do.

It seems like he's just passing down the generational trauma.

Another instances where his bad experiences are being reflected in his behavior towards victor and others is also seen here:

-His dearest friend suddenly disappeared. Turns out he hid because of hurt pride of losing his fortune, simultaneously almost destroying his daughter's life bc of that as well as his own. and Alphonse felt betrayed that this false pride was more important than their friendship = notice how Alphonse assumes the reason for victor's misery is a false pride. And desperatively wants to keep his family in close-circle, so they won't leave each other. And him.

-He looked for the friend for a long time without stopping, but in the end was disappointed. "But when he entered, misery and despair alone welcomed him. Beaufort had saved but a very small sum of money from the wreck of his fortunes; but it was sufficient to provide him with sustenance for some months, and in the mean time he hoped to procure some respectable imployment in a merchant’s house. The interval was consequently spent in inaction; his grief only became more deep and rankling, when he had leisure for reflection; and at length it took so fast hold of his mind, that at the end of three months he lay on a bed of sickness, incapable of any exertion." = notice how he always thinks despair is useless and leads to even worse consequences, so, feeling things is BAD.

-After making a big deal out of loving and finding the friend, the moment he actually sees him dead, instead of thinking about that or even mentioning alphonse was sad or smth, theres not a single sentence about alphonse's reaction or even of that friend anymore, instead all attention drifts to beautiful poor Caroline and suddenly it's a story about saving her. Everything got romantized. = Obviously, the romantization of grief and suffering was very ingrained in Victor's whole family. It probably came from Alphonse and his ancestors too.

- It's also said in 1818 ver that alphonse really loved his sister (the mother of elizabeth) and she abandoned him (cut him off).

"for some years my father had very little communication with her."

= Now remember alphonse's later words and lessons about how cutting your family off means you are neglecting yourself and your other duties etc.

So yeak, Idk I just love how Frankenstein is also about generational trauma and people who didn't process their feelings ruining their kids' lifes. (and don't get me started on Caroline.)

#frankenstein #frankenstein or the modern prometheus #victor frankenstein #mary shelly's frankenstein #viktor frankenstein #alphonse frankenstein #caroline frankenstein #goth lit #gothic literature #classic lit #classic literature #mary shelley #frankenstein the modern prometheus #the modern prometheus #caroline beaufort

[froggywritesstuff]

abed's rom-com | abed nadir

pairing: Abed Nadir x g/n!reader

fandom: Community

request: @lilfartbox1 (i am so sorry for the wait 😭) : please any abed nadir comfort / fluff pieces like theres a little angst of them miscommunicating their feelings for eachother and then find out theyve both been doing the same thing of trying to make the other jealous etc

content warnings: not proofread, fluff, angst if you squint extremely hard

word count: 910

A/N: yikes this is rushed but i recently started watching community again and this had been in my drafts for too long so i wanted to finish it

Abed knew he wasn't the best at dealing with his emotions, often turning to his favourite sitcoms and movies for help. Especially when it came to romance. He hadn't had as much experience with it as he would've liked, so when he realised he started liking you in a romantic way, he quickly became panicked. You were part of the study group, meaning if he started liking you it could potentially ruin the dynamic of the friendship. But when Annie told him you felt the same way about him, he knew exactly what to do. Except he didn't. It wasn't working the way he had planned. He'd been reenacting an age old trope; person a makes person b so jealous that they eventually confess their feelings for person a. He started off small, making sure you'd see him catching glances at some random student in the cafeteria, and zoning out as if he'd been thinking about someone else. That was half true. To make it realistic, he'd always think about you when he pretended to zone out. When someone - normally Annie, who Abed told all about his plan - would catch him staring at someone and begin to tease him about it, he noticed how quiet you would get, how you wouldn't engage in any other conversations and would even leave because you were 'late for something else'. He didn't like it. The last thing he wanted was to know he made you upset. But no one in the movies ever stopped their plan halfway. As much as he wanted to, he didn't stop his plan.

He suspected that his plan was working when you started doing the same thing he did and made him jealous. It was either that, or his plan had backfired and you thought he didn't like you so you moved on. Either way, he still felt insanely jealous of whoever you began to like- whether they were real or not. He needed you to confess to him soon. Very soon. Being so jealous as well as not being sure if he had any reason to be jealous was driving him insane, he couldn't even focus on studying. Not that much studying was happening though.

"Abed, is everything ok?" he barely even registered the question, and was not able to recognize who's voice that was.

"What?" he mumbled back, his mind still elsewhere as he spoke with the group.

"We asked if you were ok." Annie began speaking, "You seem kind of out of it today."

Troy nodded, "Yeah, you and Y/N." Abed's head perked up at the sound of your name, suddenly giving Troy his full attention, "Neither of you have laughed at anything I've said today." he said, looking quite sad.

Abed looked over to where you were sitting, the two of you meeting eyes. You looked at each other for a moment, before announcing to the group you had to leave, not knowing that Abed was following behind you. You stood in one of the more secluded halls, startled when you saw Abed next to you.

"Shit, you scared me." 

"Sorry," he said, making less eye contact than usual, "I wanted to tell you something."

You nodded, signalling for him to go on.

"I like you, Y/N." he was quick with his confession, after hiding his feelings for long he wanted to get straight to the point, "I know you like someone else, but I need you to know how I felt." as he spoke, the situation became more and more real to him. No matter how cliche the plot between the two of you was, it wasn't a cheesy rom-com movie. It was real life. And in real life, there wasn't a guaranteed requited love story. There was a chance you could reject Abed's feelings, and his friendship with you would be ruined. "I'm sorry if this makes things awkward between us," he said, a frown taking place on his lips, "You're one of my closest friends, but I couldn't keep this from you, that wouldn't be fair to you."

You watched and listened to his confession intently, seeing how genuine his expression and words were. He wasn't playing a character, or just reenacting a scene - no matter how much his confession sounded like it was taken straight out of a rom-com - it was real.

"Abed," you began, "There's no other person. I made that up." you explained, though a part of you figured that he guessed that already, "I only acted like I liked someone else because I thought you liked someone else."

He couldn't help the smile forming on his lips, "I made that up too,"

His smile was contagious, as you quickly felt your lips turning upwards into a smile as you laughed softly, "You should start making romance movies."

"I have no interest in doing that. I could but I don't think I'd find it very enjoyable." he paused, "But I appreciate the sentiment."

"Speaking of movies, would you wanna see a movie with me sometime?"

"I would like that. We can look at session times together when we're finished studying. We should also get back to the library."

You nodded, unable to stop the smile growing on your lips as you asked, "Do you wanna hold hands when we walk back or...?"

He smiled softly and held out his hand for you to hold, "I would like that."

"Cool." you took his hand.

"Cool cool cool."

#fanfiction #abed nadir #abed nadir x reader #abed nadir x gender neutral reader #community #danny pudi #x reader #gender neutral reader #abed nadir x y/n #abed nadir x you #fluff #froggywritesstuff

[madfantasy]

Dears;

Sleepless

I didn't know that I could be more sleep deprived, more in the sense that the nightmares of death and murder wakes me up in fever and chest burn now.

I thought I was okay and I was just witnessing and grieving over everything happening in this world, I can't much speak on it but with my siblings, my guardians ofc know and part of our family even affected by the "wars" that raged in and around 🍉, I still feel just as suffocated, useless, helpless and isolated as I feel everyday if not more. The internet remains my only window to the world..

The only thing I could able to talk to my guardians about is that telling them I feel immense guilt, my other half, my other home is being wiped out, land stripped of human warmth, from recent and ancient memories, all the structures old and new, the nature that hugged it tightly and the music that floated from it's midst. And here I am carrying nothing but a blood connection and writing in immaculate Arabic, one thing I was consistently praised on and ment alot to me in terms of belonging, but literally can't understand the casual/slang part of it no matter how I think I get it. Which I understand finally is what called: a late diagnosis of autism, possible related to those specific speaking patterns.

I'm 80% nonverbal, and when I find my voice, specifically when it comes to expressing myself, everything I say sounds like riddles or poems instead of plain direct speech with clear indication and values. I take so long revising these little writings to make sure at least they are coherent. It's often frustrating as suddenly not being able to scream when u need..

In the same time, I can't deal with being perceived, I can not even interact with what I've shared on my TT or @madmanii because my brain just shuts down, it doesn't matter what's the situation, as long there's social interactions, my rational blanks and stops translating sense to me.. it might be so good I can't even say how much intensely I love it, same as bad.. Even through art, and I thought because it is in art form, something I feel more able expressing, I can't say more or do more or give more engagement than this. While engagement with my art shocks me each time as if It was the first time. It takes all my remaining soul to make this art, this last tether to my sanity and humanity, so I have unmeasured gratitude..

The only release to this raging sense of belonging and grief I had all my life is to make stories, OCs. Those two are just fantasy-ed version of the 2 homes I'm from. But never shared more drawings of them because I did not want to be identified and get any "anything-against-mainstream" phobia towards me as I've been punished for it severely lots in real life. They are even not a romantic pair, just bromancing and 'too' beautiful, and I still drew many other romantic ships and posts them, regardless..

But I worry too much and often my art, posts or whatever is never seen..

Whatever it's the algorithm or doing communication, I can't not do more of what is socially 'required' to be seen and heard, my art is all I can offer and as it always shows me it's never enough, I tried so hard that my art for the first time in my life became just another burden and chore instead of a sanctuary and brain food. Whatever I did, I don't have a presence online, I only have the few Snape fans who truly care about me and showed me humanity I've never known. But I still don't have numbers or popularity, and at this point I'm so burn out from trying that I don't care I'm losing followers or have no likes, it's silence on both ends now...

I wish I could achieve more and be more helpful and not worry about fearing anything, my existence here online is done by secret to begin with and not consistent cuz I have trash net, and I don't know how to do more.. even for myself..

It's my birthday month, and that's ticks down one year of six..

About perception I relate to Hard: https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSNQeJy8u/

Thank u for reading, Sweet dreams, precious 🖤❤️

#text #drawing journey #vent

[arabaka]

hello everynyan !!!!!!!!!!!!!! how are you !!!!!!!!!!! (jokes aside) i missed you all! i wanted to give an update on this blog and my wellbeing. but i also wanted to be transparent! i’ll include a TL;DR so if you want more info, please look under the cut!

LOVE  YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

original pinned post

TL;DR:

ill be going by my first name now! names jackie, pleasure to meet everybody!

i have bpd and that resulted in me having a terrible breakdown that ended up hurting my friends. i have since made amends and strengthened the bonds with SO many people. 

there is someone i engaged with frequently on my blog i have since blocked. i ask that you be mindful of sending me mp100 fanfic/fanart. i won’t disclose this person’s identity.

i’m BACK! so expect to see me <3

as some of you may know, i suffer from BPD and am believed to be on the spectrum. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. some quick notes on this disorder and what it entails:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

now people with bpd experience something called splitting and this is:

BPD splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It’s when a person sees everything as black or white, good or bad, or best or worst. Splitting is a defense mechanism people living with BPD use to deal with emotions (such as the fear of abandonment) that they cannot handle. 

this past week, i had the worst episode ive had in a long time and some of you may have seen it going by the last few posts on my blog. i was incredibly volatile, distrusting, and upset but worst of all, i let that affect my relationships. i vented to some people, very similar to the sentiment i was posting on here, but i also said some pretty hurtful things that made these people feel like i discredited their love by saying i didn’t feel that way from anyone. but the thing with bpd, and a lot of other mental illnesses/disorders… it warps our perception and our view on reality. 

all these people wanted to do, like many of you, is help and i pushed it all away preemptively due to past trauma was rejection and abandonment. but this hurt one of the most important people in my life and on top of that, i subtweeted that person on a venting insta for the purpose of hurting them. it’s a big regret of mine and i’ve vowed to NEVER let that happen again to ANYONE. 

mental illness/disorders can explain your reactions and actions but should not excuse it.

i have since made amends with my best friend and everything is back to normal, if not better because i have a new appreciation for her and our unbreakable bond.

but i can’t say the same for someone else, someone that i engaged with pretty often and someone that was special to me.

but i learned that this person… was never a good friend. 

they showed their true colors and showed that they were not as supportive as i thought. now, that’s not to absolve myself of any blame! because i did hurt them too! but instead of being open to communication and growth, they said i had hurt them several times without ever bringing this up to me. they expected me to listen to their venting but suddenly couldn’t when it came to me. that they didn't have the capacity to do so. yet, were upset that i didn't confide in them?

this person is out of my life now. i’ve blocked them on everything. i won’t disclose who this person is but i will be triggered by their art/writing for a long time. again, even though this person has disappointed me greatly and hurt me in turn (with other things i will not go into), i do not wish any hate on them. with that being said, please let me know who the creator is before you share any mob psycho fanart/fanfic with me and i’ll let you know if it’s okay or not.

fortunately though, this taught me a lesson. a lesson in appreciating my friends (AND ALL OF YOU!!!), trusting their word, AND watching what i do and say so i don’t hurt people.

moving on to my content, i am going to be BACK!!! back and posting!!! so expect my ass B) 

we’re back to normal, we’re healthy and we’re striving for growth!!!

# .˚₊ ੈ 📣 ˎˊ˗ ꒰ heads up! ꒱

[offbranddrpepsi]

the ask bout the gn reader asking 2 sleep w/ agents for the 1st time…could you plz write more of that? w/ fade, jett, killjoy, neon, reyna & skye? if that’s 2 many ppl, you don’t have to write em all! thx in advance, no matter what!!!

absolutely! i finally found a decent pic to use for skye so here we go

Fade was the absolute best when it came to communication. You? not so much. More often than not she would have to pry to figure out what it was you were trying to tell her or what was eating at you that made it hard to speak. Which made your current predicament all the more anxiety inducing.

Fade sat in her office, applying henna as she normally did once her previous ones wore off. You had shuffled into her office a while ago, trying to work up your courage while you played on you phone. Your girlfriend hummed as she worked, enjoying mutually doing nothing with you.

"Hey dea-" you started only to be cut off. "wait for my henna to dry then we can." you were a tad bit shocked, your partner raising her eyebrows at you. "you've been worrying about it for the past three days, i was waiting to see if you could resolve it yourself." "Seriously, you knew the entire time?" You asked with a loud sigh, hating that you got worried enough for her to notice. "Yes, now give me an hour and we can go back to my room. Maybe i could put some henna on you once we are done?"

Jett was the definition of loud and hyperactive so you knew good and well she was down when ever you were. She did deeply respect your personal choice but also reassured you often that the moment you said the word she would drop what she was doing to accommodate your wants. It was important to note she didn't have much experience but still wanted to make your first time together worth it as well as not seem as much of a big deal as many made it out to be.

So here the two of you sat, a tangle of limbs as she played some game and you browsed through your socials.

"Hey Jett question," You started, face starting to turn red as you fully engaged in your phone. "um you know how you always say you are 'down if im down'?"

"Uh, yeah?" she looked at you confused as she paused her game.

"w-would you be down now?" your voice was nearly a mumble but you managed to squeeze the question out. Looking up from your phone as she had yet to respond you were suddenly caught off guard as you were near tackled, a pair of overly excited lips meeting your own as the wind got knocked out of you.

Killjoy rarely thought about sex so she had never brought up wanting to have it to you. This caused you to half think she didn't want to have it with you at all, causing worries to cloud your head when ever you thought about it. It had taken weeks for you to even work up the courage to attempt to ask her thoughts on it, sadly it didn't quite come out right.

"Klara would you have sex with me?" you asked rather bluntly and quickly, wanting to get it over with.

"I mean i typically wouldn't have sexual relations in my workshop but if you are game i suppose i can manage." She responded not even lifting her head to look at you, still buried in her work.

Your face flushed red in embarrassment, she had taken it a bit to literally. "Oh- um i um didn't mean right now i meant overall unless you want to right now then im game." Your girlfriend starting snorting as she laughed, setting down her tools to avoid dropping them. At least you were aware she was in fact interested in that level of intimacy with you.

Your electrified partner was always incredibly cautious when it came to any physical affection, not wanting to shock the shit out of you by accident. It had nearly escaped your mind several times but you did wonder what it would be like to sleep with her, if it would be as shocking as she claimed. However, you were incredibly awkward and didn't exactly have the courage to out right ask. You waited and waited, trying to find the perfect moment to pop the question.

Sitting at Neon's desk you worked on some sketch while she sat back in bed. Deciding to try to be subtle and not just ask her to fuck outright you looked over to her. "Neon would you be surprised if i said i was okay with being shocked a little bit if it meant touching more?" The question sounded innocent and well it kind of was, you really didn't mind a lil zap here or there.

"Uh," she said loudly, dragging the sound out much to your dismay. "I would still feel bad if i shocked you, maybe we can start small and work our way up?" That was a decent suggestion, the only downside would be waiting even longer to sleep with her which you didn't mind but you did want to make your wants clear to her.

"Okay that sounds fine, i would like to get started on that right away though." You went to turn around but were stopped by a sudden question from your lover. "Why? if there something you want specifically or?"

You had a feeling she may have been on to you. Swallowing the lump in your throat you decided to respond as honestly as possible, "Well yes, i guess, i kind of want to be more intimate with you eventually if you know what i mean."

With a nod the only response you got was, "Oh, okay cool me too, we can work on that". You were very fortunate your partner was over all very chill about everything and had such a lax attitude.

To say Reyna was affectionate was an understatement, to say she was a massive tease was a very accurate one. She knew how awkward you were, how utterly shy you got when it came to sexual things, and the woman loved to poke at it. Often her teasing end with you being a red mess, hiding your face in her chest or under a blanket, but not today. Today you decided to be bold when your partner started her usual teasing, taking her up on her playful offers. "Oh my darling i could just eat you up," She teased from beside you in bed, stroking your side lovingly. "All laid out and adorable" "Well why don't you then," you had your face half buried in a pillow and your voice cracked mid way through but you accomplished you mission, your heart pounding at your victory. Reyna titled her head at you, obviously caught of guard by the sudden response. Before you new it she had pounced, fully ready to do exactly as she said she would.

Skye was incredibly upfront and blunt about near everything which made it very had to work up the courage to ask her to have sex with you. The two of you had been together for a while and she had mentioned it but had never really out right asked you, which made this all the more difficult. On top of that she was a very busy woman who couldn't stay in one place very long, reducing your total chances to even ask by a lot.

Having the sudden courage, or maybe it was the fact you were too tired from working out to feel your anxiety building yet, you thought to just ask her now and get it over with.

"Skye would you like to sleep together?" the wording wasn't your best, you were also very breathless so that just made it worse.

The woman just looked at you for a moment, her expression caught between confusion and looking at you like you just asked a dumb question. Slowly she responded, "Um I don't think right here is really a good place or time love?" Looking down you cursed out your self and let out a shaky sigh, "I-i didn't mean right here i've been trying to ask sorry I'm tired." You were wrapped up in a hug as she softly laughed in relief, "Okay then how about we get cleaned up, hydrate and eat then get to business yeah?" You gave her an enthusiastic nod and started your walk back to the base, slightly more excited for Skye's cooking and resting more than anything else.

#valorant x reader #skye x reader #neon x reader #fade x reader #reyna x reader #jett x reader #killjoy x reader

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host today. 

Here today to talk all things whumpy is the fabulous @experi-sketches!

Thanks for joining us today, @experi-sketches! Do you mind kicking us off today with some facts about youself?

Hi, I'm Katie! I'm a 30-something with a pretty boring day-job in bank operations. I've always loved all things creative - as a kid that meant drawing and playing the viola, but as an adult I've found that what I really love is writing! When I'm not writing, though, I enjoy cooking, reading, spending time with my partner & loving on my pup, a 12-year-old pit bull/german shepherd mutt named Cleo who is an absolute doofus. I am, in fact, a lover of all dogs and will happily smoosh any pup's face or give them belly rubs. I tend to be quite shy, and I'm a bit of a clueless geezer when it comes to social media (I'm really not very good at it lol) but I love getting a chance to meet new folks in creative communities!

What does whump mean to you?

I enjoy the versatility of whump; to me it's any story centered around a character who endures intense struggle or suffering - be that emotional/psychological/physical, or maybe all three - and is changed in some way by that experience. I've always loved stories where the protag has to fight tooth and nail to survive, like *really* fight, and whump tends to have that in spades. The drama of it is just *chef's kiss* so choice!

And how did you find the whump community? What made you want to join?

So, to be honest, I kind of fell into whump by accident? When I started posting my current project on AO3, "An Iron Blood Tale: Iron and Gold," I was feeling anxious because it dealt with some very dark/violent themes that I'd never written before, so I wanted to try and make sure that I included enough relevant tags so people knew what they were getting into. One day I was perusing other stories on AO3 in the master/slave tag, trying to see what types of tags similar authors were using, and this word 'whump' kept coming up. I had no idea what it meant so finally I googled it. When I found out what it was I had this lightbulb moment like "Omg, this is exactly what I'm writing!" Whump was the tag I'd been searching for without knowing it, and once I started using it, I not only started to reach folks who enjoy the same kinds of stories I do, but I also realized that there was a whole community of them! I suddenly didn't have to feel self-conscious about the dark content of my story, because I could serve it to people who actually wanted to see it. It made me feel like I'd finally found a home for "An Iron Blood Tale."

Finding the whump community really feels like coming home, doesn't it? Do you think your view on whump changed since you joined?

Well as mentioned this is all pretty much a new world for me! So I'd say no, still kind of figuring things out lol. I will say that my perception of the community has changed, though. Like many newcomers to a community, at first I was afraid to engage because I was constantly worried that I might say something silly or post something that could offend or upset someone, so I tended to just lurk quietly in the background. But I've since come to see that most folks here are actually quite sensitive and accepting! For a genre that deals so many with dark themes, I've found the people here very kind and welcoming.

Do you have a favourite whump trope? Or more than one, it's so hard to choose sometimes!

I enjoy anything that includes power dynamics, particularly unbalanced power dynamics, although I feel that's sort of a given for whump. Since I've started writing "An Iron Blood Tale" I find myself more drawn to slavery tropes & also dub/non-con, mostly because I like seeing how other people handle those topics and again, power dynamics lol. I also tend to lean more towards emotional/psychological whump - give me a character who has to battle internal demons along with external ones!!

Now you have to hype yourself up! What's one of your favorite pieces you've written?

Well literally the only other complete work I have posted on the internet is "Wham, Bam!" (NSFW) which is slice-of-life m/m erotica. It's about a fellow in rural Texas who grew up closeted and bullied, and who gets his world turned upside down by an attractive and selfish stranger.

I wouldn't say it's whump, or at least not very much so, but the protag in that story, Harvey, is definitely fighting through some emotional and psychological hangups that were beaten into him during his childhood. It's on my AO3 if you're interested!

Otherwise my big project at the moment is a fantasy novel called "An Iron Blood Tale" - very whumpy long-format story about a young man named Jerre whose village is raided by elven invaders, and as a result he becomes enslaved to a disgraced nobleman named Arna Sindri. It's also very much NSFW, (deals with slavery & NON-CON, PTSD & physical, emotional and psychological torture so please be warned) but I would say the predominant focus is on Jerre's struggle to cling to his humanity while he fights to find a way to escape a world that is very strange and dangerous to him!

I do like some good emotional and psychological whump! Would you mind sharing what your writing routine looks like?

Oh I'm definitely more productive in the morning. I get the bulk of my writing done on the weekends - maybe I'll do a *little* writing during the week, but usually after a long day at work all I have the mental energy for is some editing/revision. On saturday and sunday I like to get out of bed around 6 AM or so, (partner & dog are still asleep at that point so I have the whole house to myself, which is a rare delight,) make some coffee, and just write as much as I can. I tend to write long-format things and I've found a few tricks that work well for me - admittedly none of them are very unique but hey, they do work!

First, I've got to have the right soundtrack while I'm writing. Music is so helpful, it puts me in the right mood & gets the creative juices flowing, and it literally helps me visualize scenes better. In particular I love 'movie trailer music' - artists who write orchestral music used for trailers and stuff. It's great because it's not associated with an *actual* movie so I can use all those epic vibes I feel while listening to it to manifest my own characters and stories. In particular I like Kevin Graham's music, and there's this youtube channel called Really Slow Motion that's also great. Highly recommend if you're looking for some epic music to write to!

Second, I don't write chronologically. I tend to write stories/chapters completely out of order. I already know all the Big Stuff that happens b/c I like to plan the plot in advance, so I'll just write whatever scene I feel inspired to write that day. Over time the gaps between those scenes shrink and then eventually all I have to do is fill in the blank spaces between scenes and boom! I have a completed draft.

Last: I don't worry about what I write being good. It's a thing I hear a lot of writers say, but it's so, so true. I tell myself that the point of a first draft is simply to *exist*, and then I just slap whatever garbage leaves my brain onto the page. I don't judge myself if it's awful because I can always go back later and revise revise revise to make it better. Letting go of the need to make everything perfect on the first try has made my writing time so much more productive and fulfilling.

Sounds like you've got a strong routine. Is there an easy thing for you to write? What do the words usually flow for? Is there something you struggle with writing?

I always feel like action sequences or Big Dramatic Events flow the best for me. If Jerre is getting attacked or experiencing some kind of trauma or torture, or if there's a battle, or a fist fight, or an argument - you know, big, action-y things. Where I tend to struggle more are those quieter, more intimate scenes between characters. Soft, tender dialog, or a moment where a character is alone with their thoughts, or struggling with their inner demons, stuff like that. It's so hard to make those scenes land correctly and not seem tacky!

And is there anything you're working on at the moment?

So my big project right now is "An Iron Blood Tale" over on AO3 It's kind of taken over my life. There's going to be two books, "Iron and Gold" and "Soot and Blood." I kinda mentioned the set-up for the first book "Iron and Gold" above - Jerre's village is raided and he's enslaved to Arna Sindri, and with the help of his fellow prisoner Emrik he tries to find some way to escape. The second book, "Soot and Blood," continues Jerre and Emrik's story as they struggle to navigate the traumas of their pasts while also tying to save the continent from the elven invaders who destroyed their lives. I'm currently drafting the very last chapter of book one, and doing *tons* of revisions on the chapters I've already written. But I…I cannot even wait for book two. I've written some of it already, but I'm actually crying inside to devote 100% of my attention to it - book two is where shit really gets real!

That sounds son awesome and I can't wait to read them! IS there any writing advice that you'd like to share?

Write whatever you want and whatever makes you happy - write for yourself. If you love what you write, chances are other people will sense that and love it too.

And also give yourself the freedom to be a bad writer! Seriously. The hardest part of writing is just making that *very* first draft, so just slam out whatever rubbish comes out of your brain, and who cares if it makes sense or not? Once it exists, you can go back and make things 'good.' And what even is 'good' anyways? It's all subjective! If you just remove the pressure of trying to make things perfect on your first try, it frees you, and you become so much more productive!

Oh, and find some good music to listen to while you write. Feel like most people know that one already, but it's so true haha

Finally a shout out to your favourite writing/whump blogs, bffs or people who've inspired you.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I'm still so new here that I'm kind of trying to find my sea legs! Like I said, I'm pretty shy, so I've mostly just been lurking and poking around through the whump tags here on Tumblr and also on AO3…there's so much that it's kind of overwhelming! I do want to give a little shout to @burntcoffeewhump, though. They've been super amazing and supportive of my story, and they've even pointed me towards some other whumpy blogs & stories that I've been checking out! You're a true hero haha

Anything you'd like to add?

Please feel free to say hi! Drop something in my asks, leave a comment on AO3, @ me on twitter - I'm trying to get over my nerves and get more involved in the community, but I'm always excited to say hi and meet new folks!

Thank you so much for joining us today! It was great to have you on the show!

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[fancy--that]

Rules for thee and not for me, classic hypocrite anti response. You have no idea what you're talking about or what any of the words you're using mean. You get to write what you want because you're only doing it in the good Christian God-fearing Way but no one else can. You're a joke and very uneducated. Proshippers who created Ao3 and fight for anti-censorship regulations paved the way so you can write and share your stories, and you're shitting all over their hard work.

Ao3 is a proship website. Proship is the default anti-censorship stance. You cannot and will never be able to tell what is going on in someone's mind when they read or write, nor are thought crimes real. Your dead dove fiction is not any more or less moral than anyone else's, you're not special, you're not the messiah. And you definitely don't have the right to pass judgment on anyone else. Your self righteousness is truly disgusting.

wow. First of all thank god i'm not religious in any way shape or form but i'm sorry that someone talking with some sense made you think that theres no way an actual human being with morals and opinions could write this no they must be religious theres just no way a non religious person wouldn't condone rape, pedophilia and incest!!! get real

Also i never said i'm the only one who could write that kind of content, many people have and i've read my fair share of dead dove fics that touch on those dark topics, the point a lot of you seem to be missing is the CONTEXT portion. its part of a broader story, it isn't romanticized, it isn't normalized it isn't treated as something cute or funny or romantic. It's just written with mindfulness and within the right context. It's treated as the traumatic, disgusting, depraved thing that it is.

also like i'm not telling people to not write it in the first place at all? Yes ao3 was made by pro-shippers but also like you have to be mindful of what you're consuming out there on the internet. I would never read a pro-ship fic that deals with these topics but also i'm not going to go bashing it in the comments or anything, i just keep scrolling however i find it very telling of your character that all i did was make a post saying that i don't agree with pro-shipping and therefore won't write these certain requests given to me by pro-shippers and suddenly i'm the bad guy for having an opinion. "What do you mean you won't write my father x son fic? You stupid anti you're such a hypocrite" i mean get real.

Also my original post wasn't particularly mean in any way i just said i didn't like pro-shippers and wouldn't write that content, additionally i also gave personal reasons on why i wouldn't write that type of content. Again am i supposed to ignore my own reasons for why i won't engage in it just cause the pro-shippers might get mad at me? I don't think so.

Proshippers made ao3.....thanks proshippers i owe you my....life ig? idrk what i'm supposed to say? should i bow or something??? "hey so we like problematic ships and problematic and often dark undertones in our fics but we romanticize it and we made this website to share those stories and then we're gonna get mad when people mention that these ships are problematic"

You're right i don't know whats going on in someone's mind when they write. What I do know is I have personally seen a lot of adult pro-shippers writing and drawing content of minors and adults who still interact with minors on their platform. I know that if someone were to tell me "read this fic i wrote" and it was romanticizing incest and abuse i'd be uneasy that they were so proud of it. And i know as someone who again has a partner who age regresses, who has a community of people whose ages i don't know, someone who regularly interacts with children for work and likely pre-teens and teens online because ofc people who aren't 18+ are going to look gor this content, i couldn't write it. Not with all of those factors. My own personal reasons for not liking proshipping and refusing to write proship content is not less important than your need to justify why shipping things with rape, incest and pedophilia is okay.

also i would never want anyone to treat me like some savior here to bless the internet. I used my own story as an example of writing these heavy topics in the right context, i never said i was the only one whos ever done it right or whatever, im explaining how i know someone will say "well you've written it before look at this story!" that isn't proshipping so your argument is invalid.

also i can judge as i please its called being a human and if you romanticize rape, incest and pedophilia i will not consume your content, i will not make new content for you and yes i will judge you.

best regards

[saltiestgempearl]

I wanted to talk about a favorite headcanon of mine regarding Dr. Jack Seward that @throwawaydracula shared with me a while back. It centers around this line, way back in the September 3 entry:

How can he'—and he pointed at me with the same look and gesture as that with which once he pointed me out to his class, on, or rather after, a particular occasion which he never fails to remind me of—'know anything of a young ladies? He has his madmen to play with, and to bring them back to happiness, and to those that love them.

Except, that isn't exactly the wording in the original book. In the original book, it says "He has his madams to play with, and to bring them back to happiness, and to those that love them." Many people write this off as a typo to the point of changing it to "madmans" or "madmen" in some versions.

But what if it wasn't a typo?

The word "madam" implies an older woman, like anywhere from middle-aged to elderly. And at the time, it was not at all uncommon for women in this age group to be sent to asylums to recuperate. Sometimes it was just a way to get female relatives you didn't like out of the way, but sometimes it wasn't.

You see, many Victorians (men and women alike) unironically bought into the "delicate woman" narrative. People really, genuinely thought women were just psychologically more predisposed to mental instability (we saw this most in Dracula with how the group treated Mina— that wasn't really malicious, it was generally accepted as almost medical fact by many during this period.) I don't have the exact quote, but I think Van Hellsing, at one point, mentions a French doctor who had the idea that men could also suffer from hysteria, and that was actually considered pretty groundbreaking at the time.

Anyway, the headcanon is that Seward actually started out as a relatively low-level psychologist at an asylum, primarily working with middle-aged to elderly women. And being the inquisitive man he is, he interacted with the patients in a less-than-conventional way, letting them talk about things that would normally be considered signs of imbalance by the contemporary medical community (e.g., "sometimes I wish I'd never had my children," "sometimes I just want as little to do with my husband as possible," "honestly those suffragettes make some good points," etc.). This isn't to say he was some feminist icon mind you; he didn't even necessarily agree or legitimize these ideas. But he didn't shoot them down either—he just listened. And by engaging with the women in this way, he was essentially exploring some of what we now call talk therapy, which was very much not a thing at this time. He may have also tried to be supportive of their hobbies, which while not unheard of (institutions like Bedlam set a precedent for this), was not the most common thing either.

So he did this for a while, and surprise surprise, it actually helped these women quite a bit. He quickly got a reputation for being someone who was unusually gifted in turning around cases of "nervous disorders" that were so common with these delicate womenfolk.

But then some higher-ups decided "oh, well if he's good with this, he must be good with insane people too." So despite being a 29-year-old budding psychologist in a very young field, he suddenly found himself the head of an asylum with a very different sort of population.

Given why he was put in this position, Jack naturally continues using the methods that helped his former patients recover so spectacularly. The issue is, of course, that people who are dealing with psychosis or other more serious conditions generally need a different approach than neglected women with anxiety. Basic talk therapy isn't going to cut it with someone like Renfield.

But again, this field is very young, so Seward is actually relatively limited on how much he can research this. So he continues with his talk therapy, but then adds things like straightjackets into the mix when his patients have meltdowns because that was also a relatively accepted solution at the time (though not universally so; even in Bram Stoker's time, there were some professionals in the field who had figured out that this type of manual restraint was not helpful and honestly not humane.)

It's also possible that Jack might have had some criticism early on for not being firm enough with his more "difficult" patients, so he might have overcompensated for that by using the straightjacket solution more often when things got out of hand.

And finally, Jack also has his mad scientists tendencies that he openly grapples with in his diary—you know, the sort that caused him to make wildly irresponsible decisions like "let's let Renfield escape, but supervised, and see what happens." And since Jack was the head of the hospital, no one shot down this obviously ridiclous idea because they probably didn't have the authority to.

And then even with the more recent events, Quincey and Van Hellsing didn't voice their doubts about Jack's "we are not going to let Renfield leave the asylum despite him begging us to do that" plan until they were out of the room, and even then gave in pretty quickly because Jack is considered the authority on this in the group.

TL;DR: The headcanon is "maybe Van Hellsing did mean 'madams' because Jack started off wildly successful in treating older women with anxiety, and as a result was catapulted into a much more powerful position he was neither properly trained for nor mentally ready for."

#jack sweard #dracula daily #there is a TLDR at the bottom if you dont want to read all that #headcanon

[malobanshee]

This has easily been the worst holiday season of my life, and I have been struggling profoundly. That is why I disappeared, really. Family I am no-contact with suddenly became excessively aggressive in their pressure, and a lot of grief that I hadn't addressed surfaced (ultimately positive because it means I am acknowledging and mindfully addressing it and moving toward acceptance). My father expanded his boundary pushing and I decided it was best for me to respond to him for the first time 2.5 years to establish my clear boundary so that if he continued to cross it I could block him without guilt (I still have to jump through a lot of emotional hoops with myself). He respected my request and didn't respond to my messages and has stopped texting, so now I have the annoying problem of the panic that comes with that—what are his motives? Is this a tactic and then he will redouble his efforts when he goes back to being annoyed that this has continued for so long?

I am trying to let it go while being mindful of the fear and panic that arises whenever I hear from him while also trying to look at this from more positive angles. I want my father to acknowledge my autonomy and respect me; in this circumstance, the only way for him to do that is to not reach out to me in accordance with my request. It doesn't mean that I have to change my position on this relationship, but it can be an opportunity to feel better instead of allowing intrusive thoughts to run rampant. It is very difficult for me to regulate in this way, though.

But between him and his mother, this entire month has been filled with ulterior motives expressed under the guise of birthday and Christmas wishes; I have not had peace. It made me feel stupid for not blocking them earlier, but to do so felt like abandoning hope of reform, and I had to realize that it was a bad premise for me to hold the door open for them with that demand on the other side of it. I don't deal in denial of another's autonomy or ultimatums. I am not safe with them, and I am not in a place where I can be vulnerable with them without being retraumatized, or at the very least, without moving beyond my capacity/ability to regulate. And since unmasking, it has become very difficult for me to mask my Autistic meltdowns and behaviors while in distress. I am not safe doing that with them, so it is an impossibility for me to open lines of communication at this point. That is a good enough reason to block numbers to avoid dealing with the stressors while I continue to process through the CPTSD.

On top of that, today my mother sent me an audio recording of my mentally ill brother going through an episode of psychosis because she didn't know what to do.

I talked her through ways to help him and was an ear for her to process her feelings—it is heartbreaking and so grief inducing (how can you not despair when someone you love is in so much pain?) but it is also a bit crazy-making having blaring music and wailing and shouting. I understand being frayed when that is your constant reality. My mom has been doing a good job of managing her overwhelm as her own issue, so that is fortunate. But she struggles to know how to offer him touchstone spaces that are low on pressure and still engage with him on his level, and instead, she leaves him to his raving and tries to ignore it. To be fair, she is the primary breadwinner of their household as well and she is working from home. It is a lot.

I feel pretty helpless most of the time, and I did have to go and cry and process through a huge surge of anger when she sent that message to me. She is doing the best she can with what she has, but it is often just so inadequate. The lack of healthcare options for low-income people is so profoundly damaging, and I grieve for our lack over our lives. And truly my parents have given us so much trauma and grief. My father is a truly awful person as it stands now. And while I believe that people can change, and I do not believe in dehumanizing even people whom I hate (unfortunately, I love him but I also profoundly hate him), he shows no interest in acknowledging his behavior. My mother has made a lot of very damaging choices, and my siblings and I bore the brunt of the consequences of those decisions. Now, she is too invested in maintaining the status quo when it absolutely does not serve anyone, least of all my brother. I am truly so angry at all that my siblings and I have suffered at the hands of our parents, which is a lot, sadly.

My brother carries so much pain. I listen to him and I see a man who is trapped in a prison of all of our shared traumas, his own unique traumas, and then the mental illness that he has no help or real support with. He desperately wants things in his life and has no recourse to achieve them. And unmasking is such a hugely vulnerable act, and he trusts no one and with good reason. I want to be a safe person for him, but I can't convince him to trust me. So he is just so trapped. I hurt for him, but all I can do is continue to reach out and let him know that I am there—a thousand unanswered text messages and voicemails.

So yeah, a lot of weight all at once. A lot of grief. I don't know what the future will hold, but I am working hard to be the person that I want to be through putting in the work to heal, putting the work in toward accountability, and by being present and available to those that need me.

#personal #grief #mental illness #autism #cptsd #no contact

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Man, I was holding it together so well, and then Ingo broke and I just lost it. It's been ten minutes and I'm still crying. That was just so perfect, and I love it so much, but it's so painful how much Ingo was keeping inside and how much they were both holding back, because that's what they thought the other wanted.

Emmet's like, well he doesn't actually know me anymore, and even though it hurts like hell it does make sense if he needs time to be comfortable around me again. And Ingo just... doesn't know anyway else to be. It was never really a problem in Hisui, based on the last one, because he felt pretty indifferent to the distance between himself and literally everyone else. They were all wrong, they weren't what he wanted and he had no way of clearing that hurdle. But now, now, he finally has what he's wanted so desperately for so long, and he has no idea if how close he wants to be is too much, too overbearing. So he falls back on what he knows, not realizing it's making them both unhappy and it feels Wrong because it is wrong for them.

Your Emmet continues to be my all time favorite version. I love him so much, you just Get It. One thing I cannot stand in fics is whenever they have Emmet trying to change Ingo back to how he used to be, even though it's clear that Ingo for many reasons can't go back to that and is being hurt every time Emmet does it. But this!! Emmet is understanding of Ingo's changes and why they needed to happen, is willing to accommodate almost all of them, and isn't trying to force Ingo to hurry up and remember things or just forget his entire life and experiences in Hisui. He's not putting Ingo's needs above his own, that's why they have this talk in the first place, but he loves Ingo and so is okay with putting in the mutual effort to relearn how to live together. The only thing he can't deal with is Ingo not talking to him anymore. He can't help if he doesn't know, he can't rebuild anything between them if Ingo is refusing to open up. Also, ouch ouch ouch at all of the hurt he's hiding when he thinks Ingo doesn't trust him or like how direct he is, because Emmet can't be anyone but himself. What you see is what you get, and if Ingo doesn't like that anymore...

And then the hug!! Brb, crying forever and I may never recover. The way Ingo tried to pull back, only for Emmet to pull him in tighter, just like Ingo needed but couldn't say, is just everything to me. The relief Emmet felt at finally feeling like they've well and truly found each other again. They both needed that so, so much. All that time spent hurting in silence and they only needed like a single conversation to clear one giant misconception up. Emmet knows the value of open and honest communication with each other, and I hope this helps Ingo understand that again too.

;w; THANK YOUUUU.... this is so nice i cri. i love to know i have Inflicted Emotions... tysm...

YEAH... augh "They were all wrong, they weren't what he wanted" that's SUCH a good way of putting it. it was like, he just couldn't. care abt engaging with anyone, really. like, emmet calls him a "structural support" in the last one right, and i feel like that's pretty accurate for both of them. if ingo doesn't have his brother, like, there's nothing else he can do. engaging with the strangers he's wound up stuck with is so far down on his list of Things He Has The Capacity To Think About. but that doesn't mean he wouldn't have welcomed some kind of companionship, like he does eventually bond with sneasler and his team at the very least—he just couldn't put the effort into learning how to navigate this new set of rules and get closer to anyone because he didn't have that one solid, dependable connection to fall back on. like now i'm getting Very Off Topic but i think that's a big part of why both of them can be so sure of themselves and confident normally, bc they know their brother, at the very least, will always back them up. so suddenly losing that is. Really Tough.

i know i say this every time anyone tells me about Other Emmets but WHY ARE THEY SO WRONG ABOUT MY BLORBO. PAIN AND ANGUISH. like... that's SO wrong for so many reasons... these two are fucking pair bonded since birth and platonic life partners that not even Actual God can truly separate and know each other so fucking well and. not to get off topic in a different direction again but i DO think that, one, the foundation of their relationship is trust and communication and they've been working on that since forfuckingever. and that's where i try to come at them from when i write them together (which i... haven't done or posted enough sigh) is that even when they really disagree they're never going to like, fight, or hold it against the other, or even like not address it and just be silently passive aggressive. that's not how they work, at all. and two, another thing that i need to do something with at some point but i think their life in unova is something they Built, extremely intentionally, to make somewhere they could be happy. so like. considering all that. emmet would be willing to MOVE MOUNTAINS to fix shit. he is more than happy to change he just needs ingo to fucking. talk. to. him.

but then obviously ingo's forgotten all of that! which is why it's so goddamn painful!! like emmet's worried that for some reason ingo now like, won't let him be blunt/direct or be hurt by it, which, to circle back to what i said earlier about structural supports, would mean he functionally lost that unconditional support even tho he technically does have ingo back. but it's not even about anything emmet's doing! it's just ingo's learned reaction of pearl clan avoidance that leads to that like, learned flinch response, even tho it doesn't actually bother him specifically, and obviously they're in a situation where it doesn't matter bc it's just the two of them and both of them would be way happier just talking it out. but he like, can't turn it off anymore, at least not until he acknowledges that he's actually doing it. and ironically also not until emmet flat out tells him that he can stop. i could make some obvious parallels here to the way unforgiving nt socialization fucks non-nt people up but like. yall get it already right. the dots are there just connect them

ANYWAY. that was a lot of rambling i am going to. stop now. but YEAH I CARE THEM

#the nemesis speaks #the nemesis answers #curax #pla analysis #YADDA YADDA #also i Could Go On about how fucking. shitty and childish that is (the other fic emmet characterization) #and Not Correct and another instance of ppl not letting him be a goddamn fucking adult and RRRRGH #but whatever. we get that already too right

[formulatrash]

While we are loosely on the topic of IndyCar, I've been getting into other racing series and am planning to actively follow some more this year and the culture shock as a fan is real. I can actually ask questions about IndyCar and FE without getting some smart ass "DTS fan" response, coincidentally with them still being unable to answer my question themselves though. Generally people just stay in their lanes and focus on the teams/drivers they support instead of wasting so much time and energy on the teams/drivers they passionately hate. Death threats and harassment aren't normalized. Maybe the haters aren't the only ones who want to see my favs get "demoted" to IndyCar or FE because they're genuinely so much more chill to follow as a fan. With F1, you can do all the blocking and unfollowing not just on Tumblr, but on websites with a lot of grown 50+ year olds and still come across some of the most file shit you've ever encountered. I've met some great friends through F1 and as a STEM student, love the engineering aspect, but the 24/7, 365 fighting and drama amongst fans doesn't make it fun to follow, it gets old and annoying pretty quick.

in all honesty, it's that lack of exposure thing. people are excited to see other people getting into the smaller series we like cus there aren't very many of us, innit. gotta have people to blorbopost with. love to get the moots in on my nonsense.

(this was, in short version, how I ended up writing about Formula E for years)

the sheer scale of F1 fandom has always been one of its issues, like football fandom. there's no sort of curated community areas where everyone's decent to each other cus there's so many people involved. and there's lots of ways in which the media is responsible for that

I'm glad you mentioned the 50+ year olds cus honestly, it's always been this way. and particularly if you're from any of the demographics not assumed to be somehow naturally an authority on F1. I say 'any of the demographics' - you know exactly the one that gets the pass and then the rest of us can waste our lives proving we know anything and drive ourselves insane or just accept you have to love it in spite of it all.

ultimately, it's on F1 to actually call off the dogs in the sense you can absolutely start effective comms campaigns that address harassment and exclusion. you can breed healthy dialogue, you can put a less combative and rage-fuelled version of the sport out there. but what's happening right now is doing numbers for a series that - and remember this was as recently as 2018 - was absolutely on its knees.

shrinking, ageing viewership was impacting sponsorship while costs escalated, manufacturers all threatening to pull out, brands questioning the point of being involved, media coverage that was shrivelling up and dying, no social and digital presence to speak of, very little visibility outside specialist channels.

F1 has, by a combination of luck and a sort of 'try pressing every button at once and see if something works' managed to reverse those fortunes and now the influencers it didn't understand 5 years ago are clamouring to get in the paddock. that's a good thing! F1 desperately needs attention or else, like a Tumblr user, it will literally die because sponsors are only interested in paying for exposure and F1 needs such vast amounts of money.

so: I'd love F1 to have more fans. my friends who've suddenly got into or back into it the last few years rock. but with great capacity for sponsorship deals comes a huge hot mess of governance, calendar bloat and subterranean discourse.

although Extremely Online F1 Fandom is only a small slice of it all, regardless, which I kinda try to remember.

main thing is: enjoy things how you want to! engage with and boost content you like! block everyone annoying, life is too short.

(I genuinely wish more people would just block me when they find me annoying on Twitter or whatever rather than turn it into a strange obsession. think I'm an idiot? cool, block me. massively more peaceful for us all)

#man i really really want [redacted thing i am manifesting so hard about] to happen #so i can like write more about and speaking to this #but anyway #motorsport asks

[dragynkeep]

Hey I've been "anti-ship" for as long as I've been in fandom (so like ten years) but I'm trying to change my views. For the record I've never engaged in anti communities and I don't condone or engage in harassment simply because while I am technically anti ship I just think it's a real non issue compared to like real actual abuse. I'm likewise morally opposed to drawn and written nsfw depictions of minors but do not believe it's CSEM and again it's comparatively just not that big of a deal(cont)

(cont) so basically I just want to challenge my opposition. I said I haven't engaged with anti communities because I believe they're toxic and aside from harassing people they have been demonstrated to harbor actual predators projecting. Your blog is one I often read to help me challenge these views. A few days ago you said something about it being scientifically proven that the fiction you consume doesn't have an impact on you and I had no idea that had even been studied (cont) (cont) and I was hoping you'd be able to provide some sources for the publications. I'm an academic, so having actual data to demonstrate that this type of fiction isn't harmful would go a really long way in helping me get past my hangups. As much as I'd just like to be able to take the word of other survivors, it's just way harder to trust hearsay. Anyway, thank you for time. I really enjoy reading your opinions and they've been really helpful in reframing how I think of this (end)

Honestly, from what you described, it sounds more like you just have certain hangups on certain tropes than being an "anti". Being an anti isn't just not liking certain fictional things, but a mindset that liking said things means you condone them in real life. Because you know that harrassment is wrong and people will simply like what you don't, and that's fine, is honestly more of a proshipping mindset to me.

Whether you identify with the term or not is entirely up to you, that's just how it reads to me. I think you're perfectly valid in not liking nsfw, especially around minors, as I am, and I don't think you should feel like you need to be challenged in that mindset because you're not actively going after people who don't think like you.

Simply, you're just putting down standards and letting people live.

As for the scientifically proven mention for how fiction impacts the reader, this post that has all the scientific links should give you something to read over. Fiction ultimately cannot put in new ideas into your head unless there was a space for them to begin with, which is where propaganda and ignorance comes into play.

Like the Jaws argument. The book and the movie didn't push people to suddenly wanna kill all these sharks, but it played on the already existing fear of sharks, something that is dangerous and lives in places that people do not naturally come from, and makes it seem cool and justified to go out and kill these sharks.

Because people did not have the knowledge that the portrayal of the great white in the movie is extremely inaccurate, and already played on their prenotion that sharks are monsterous human eating machines that need to be eradicated.

Ships and fiction follows the same idea. If someone reading an adult/child ship and is already a victim being groomed, they are in a different mindset that will almost glamourise and excuse what's happening because it's happening to them. Compare that to someone who already knows that pedophilia/incest/rape is bad, the fiction they consume won't suddenly make them want to do it.

Like with Game of Thrones depicting the Lannister incest or the gratuitous rape, that didn't suddenly make fans think it's okay to fuck their sibling or go out and rape someone. If someone who consumes this fiction then goes out and does it, they were already struggling mentally to begin with.

Hope this helps!

#proshipping #answered #luke.txt

[walks-the-ages]

Mkay definitely going to be writing..... multiple Quantum Leap fanfics at some point in the future so establishing some ground rules / changes because the writers clearly have no concept of the word "consistency":

1) 100% body swap. Sam and the person he Leaped into are physically in each other's bodies, the only ones who see Sam as "Sam" (aka the actor Scott Bakula) is canonically the AudienceTM, the other side of the Fourth Wall. he literally has no idea what he himself looks like because he sees the person he's Leaped into in the mirror, and Al also sees him as whoever he's Leaped into.

(On the inverse, this means that whenever Sam Leaps into someone new, everyone at home has to deal with the fact that the body of their best friend is being possessed by a wide variety of people, some of whom are super traumatized, confused, and alarmed at what is happening, from terrified soldiers taken straight from the front lines of Vietnam, to coldblooded hit men, to Sam's literal 13 year old self. There's a lot to unpack here in terms of potential angst)

(Also, None of this bullshit where Sam can see while in the body of a blind man, or having half the episode try to convince you he's not actually pregnant until the last minute or saying "she could have the baby in the future and then the baby could be stuck there!" Like excuse me writers, you are breaking your own universe's established rules in the most hilariously stupid reach with that lol. That's now how this works.)

2) Sam knows american sign language. Any man that goes out of their way to learn 8 different languages is going to learn the main sign language of where he lives, especially with a photographic memory, he would learn quickly just from being around Deaf colleagues and friends.

3) Sam's 100% autistic in my fics :)

4) Sam is also 100% Asexual in my fics :) wether or not he remembers that or even knew it existed as even a concept is up in the air, but either way he'll slowly discover it over the course of the fics. He's also sex repulsed.

5) 4X01 doesn't exist. It was dumb, contrived, and didn't do anything except derail the storyline and completely throw the storyline off it's rhythm and make 4x02 feel very disjointed, leaving the audience needlessly wondering what stakes have changed only to realize... Oh. Literally nothing. (I am so glad nothing changed, but it would have been nice if they didn't try to hype it up like Sam had been leaping on his own for who knows how long, only to have Sam and Al start chatting as though they'd never been separated.)

4x01 was also used as a dumb excuse for Sam to suddenly be into sex, and flirting with women, because clearly they were fishing for more male audience engagement by making Sam have enthusiastic sexy times with women of his own free will (instead of the previous 3 seasons that established that he wants nothing to do with sex or anything physical). Also just the complete irony of them retconning in a wife for Sam in the same episode they start making him more....sexually active shall i say.

6) Ziggy is the "God/Him" in question, clearly, and is Orchestrating Events to make a more perfect timeline that is also a self fulfilling prophecy where he is always created by Sam. Not that Sam or anyone else ever realizes this.

7) Al is super fucking queer, and is very involved in the community and equality movement. Running for Honor doesn't follow the same script anymore, it was probably pretty good for 1992 television,but uhhhh no to Al saying "I can't always be the good guy" like, sorry writers but no .

Anyways. Al is Aromantic and genderqueer, and his full name is Ally which he chose himself after running away from the orphanage for the nth time and being taken in by a group of homeless queer folk and learning about everyone's experiences with gender, sex, romance, and everything in between.

8) "Time travel within his lifetime" except every time Sam Leaps into someone their lifetime is factored in to that count. Exponentially increasing Leaping dates. Aka Sam Leaps into Jesse Tyler in the year 1955, which is when Sam is 2 years old (born in 1953)? Well, now Sam can also leap as far back as Jesse Tyler's birthday and birth year. And every single time he Leaps, the Leapee's lifetime is added to his pool of potential leaping years.

.... I'll add more as I think of them :)

#quantum leap #bold text #Walks writes #Sam Beckett #Al Calavicci #Ally Calavicci #Asexual Sam Beckett #Genderqueer Al Calavicci #Aromantic Al Calavicci

[milfglupshitto]

so I have seen two separate ideas/interpretations floating around, and while I respect these opinions I find them to be not exactly faithful readings, and I thought why not address them at the same time? standard disclaimer: yes this is about thrawn. no it's not about him actually at all but books author etc. very little to do with the man. you all know me and you know this is what I write about

I will be examining two audience reactions, one to the 90s Heir to the Empire trilogy and one to the 20s Ascendancy trilogy, which are focused primarily on sexism and gender roles in these books.

disclaimer: these are my opinions, based on my reading of the text. I did no research to prepare for writing this. if you want to discuss or dispute feel free to do so (but please take a glance at my bio/pinned and decide whether or not you're going to engage respectfully)

a few years ago when I first read Heir, I found myself surprised at the treatment of Mara Jade. I'd heard of Jade, her hair and temper and catsuit and the fact that she'd go on to marry Luke Skywalker, but the Mara Jade on the page differed significantly from nearly everything I'd seen about the character: she wore practical clothing, her emotional reactions were reasonable if not a bit subdued, and her hair was red-gold, emphasized several times! and there was hardly anything "romantic" about her eventual bond with her former target. even her "proposal" to Luke (rather, with him) in the later duology is focused on their ability to strengthen the other, to work as a team. I also found the treatments of Lando and Leia to be much better than I'd expected- better even than in some recent books I've read which you might anticipate being more concerned about their portrayal of minority characters.

and yet when I went to read about what others thought, I found 1. very little content regarding Lando, 2. a great deal of content which "flattened" Mara out, even from sites which I expected to be more feminist (not really sure how to word this), and 3. an almost entirely negative response to Leia's writing, specifically her pregnancy. again this surprised me: when I was reading the books I had thought it was handled pretty well! but most of the posts I saw on this aspect were bemoaning this aspect as a case in point of "men writing women". I still disagreed, but I moved on. authorial intent doesn't always align with audience perception, and for good reason!

but then I read the 20th anniversary annotated edition of Heir, and Word of God came knocking. rather, Word of Editor.

here's the lowdown: this annotation was made by Heir's editor, Betsy Mitchell. she notes here that it's odd Leia doesn't think about her unborn kids in this chapter, where she gets attacked and has to climb to safety, and wonders why she didn't request a brief line on the subject, as (here's the point) she herself was pregnant at the time. suddenly, the prior interpretation seems to fall short. this might be a case of a cis man being weird about a female character, but now we know that the editor was involved in guiding this aspect of the story based on her own experiences.

why am I talking about this now? and what does it have to do with a set of books published thirty years later? in short, it's about audience "comfort". as far as I've observed, some readers (myself included) can have a negative reaction to an idea presented in a work, and either ignore or confront it directly, but not as it exists in the work itself.

to explain this better, let's go to the Ascendancy trilogy. in this series we see Chiss society at relatively high and low points, from the perspectives of soldiers, civilians, politicians, and outsiders alike. as in many ensemble-based stories, there is a propensity in the fan communities around these books to create detailed backstories and other worldbuilding elements, often for places or characters who occupy a space no greater than one line. I'm not disparaging that! but what I'm observing is a tendency to "brush off" or challenge certain elements present in the text, based on what they represent in our world, but again, not in the world of the work.

what do I mean by this? let's return to gender. a decent amount of fan interpretations of Chiss culture place little to no importance on, say, binary gender assignment, or gendered terms in the language, or stereotypes about "appropriate behaviors". again, I respect this drive to create a supportive environment in a cherished text, but I don't believe that these interpretations are true to the Ascendancy that we see in the text. further, I don't think we're necessarily meant to see these aspects as "against" authorial intent. what do we see in these books?

binary gender is assumed (character remarks that roughly 50% of population is women)

formerly patriarchal structure (while the title of Patriarch can be apparently held by anyone of any gender, the word used is still literally Patriarch)

courtship protocols involve not only sleeping in separate beds but in separate rooms while engaged (nothing wrong with this, but it's related to gender and family dynamics)

and a brief segue into other "politics" of the Ascendancy:

alien refugees are almost certain to have petitions of residence on Ascendancy worlds rejected

alien visitors on Ascendancy worlds are apparently uncommon enough that they will frequently get local authorities called on them, despite the practice of a "gap year" in which Chiss young adults visit worlds outside the Ascendancy being fairly common

two characters, both on-leave military officers estimated to be perhaps in their late twenties/early thirties and with several years of service experience, express surprise at the fact that Aliens Are People

in one book, an Upstanding Farmer Family Man who has a Wife and Young Daughter to Protect, brutally kills, with the help of his Dog, an Alien Invader who had pretended to have a family of his own to alleviate suspicion. in text, this is not investigated. I was frankly disturbed by the reactions I saw to this scene- it did not strike me as cathartic, it struck me as horrifying.

the take that I have issues with is the one that says that the author agrees with these sentiments, and that is why they are present in the story. but my view is both a little more charitable and a little more critical: this is the Ascendancy we get because this is what happens when a state considers itself under siege- hyperpatriotism and conservatism reign supreme. we know the author can write sexism, xenophobia, nationalism, eugenics... we've read it from him before! quite recently!

I can understand the desire to build up a world around a story you enjoy that reflects the things that you want to see. But the world that is presented in this story is fundamentally at odds with that one, and ignoring this does a disservice to the story that's being told here. Fundamentally, we are talking about and reading about a colonial isolationist ethnostate, and I think (I hope) we're not supposed to forget that.

#thrawn ascendancy #heir to the empire #my writing #star wars meta #it's 1 AM i have to go get ready to fail a quiz but here y'all go

[technodromes]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN !!!

NAME. Sabine/Saby

PRONOUNS. she/her

BEST EXPERIENCE. I had many good experiences, I couldn't just name one without feeling like I don't do the others justice by not mentioning them as well. And while my memories of being part of tumblr multi-fandom rpc's are somewhat bittersweet now, but I wouldn't be here writing if a friend didn't convince me into it back then.

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION. I definitely prefer to plot and discuss ooc things on discord. tumblr's IM's are fine for quick small things and to get to know each other for a bit before exchanging discord, but I find the small chat window impractical for in-depth discussions.

MOST ACTIVE MUSE. Krang. He was my blob boy back then and he still is the main character on this blog for me. As a multimuse, my moods and interests may shift around, but there's always room for Krang if I'm here to post around.

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS. On tumblr, it's about 10 years? Maybe 11? I have no concept of time tbh. I wrote already on a different site before, which is about 17 years ago, but it was all in german. With that plenty of experience you'd think I'd know better than to repeat certain mistakes over and over but alas

RP PET PEEVES. Definitely anything drama-related. Coming on my blog to have fun and seeing someone declare war on someone else ooc on my dash without any tags on it is a huge turn-off for me and often ruins my own mood. In that same vein, I can't stand callout culture. Forcing people into a 'me or them' situation because you don't like that person they rp with, is bullshit. Ask them to tag their blog and blacklist the tag, problem solved. I want to unwind here and have fun in my little sandbox, not to become the president of the united states. Also, vague posting and the inability of people to talk about their issues? If you have a problem with a partner, talk to them?? How people prefer to vague-rant about their partners over actually trying to solve the problem, while actively doing a hobby that requires writing with other people is honestly beyond me? If you can't handle the stress of writing with people, then why do you engage in a writing hobby with said other people? Note here, I prefer people come forward to me if I did something wrong, even though I have severe social anxiety myself. Partners talking to me about shit I did is a LOT of stress to me, but I don't just block and run. I listen and I acknowledge it. And I try to do better. I can only learn to righten mistakes and get better at handling my social anxieties when I actually deal with it instead of running away. It's not rocket science. Does my pulse race and I get all sweaty and uncomfortable? Yes. But I feel a lot better having a problem solved afterward than having it linger around forever and the constant trash-talking behind each other's back like pre-schoolers.

PLOTS OR MEMES. Both? Both is good. There have been instances where I received prompts that left me a little clueless on what to do with them, and in other instances, I wrote up a whole starter for a potential fun plot from a received prompt alone. Memes can lead to interesting situations and are good ice-breakers. The trick is to pick the right muse/s and the right prompt. It's definitely a hit or miss, but I DO like prompt memes. Plotting helps to solidify the chemistry between the muses through it all and to not suddenly run into a dead-end. How a muse will react to option A or option B, where they actually are, and if there will be any potential NPC. But I'm not into plotting things out from A to Z. There are always variables and it sucks to run into a situation in the plot that actually feels out of character for your muse to do, just to keep the plot going. It takes the fun out of writing a story for me. I like to have a little freedom in a moderately plotted thread. It helps to just talk about the muses with a partner, to find a common ground. Maybe both muses mourn about losing a beloved one, both muses have lost everything and need to rebuild themselves up from the ground. I don't like people coming to me and ask me right away if I have 'any ideas for a plot'. My brain usually goes into static mode right away. I prefer people just asking about my muses or telling me about theirs to hit off with a plot.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES.  Definitely long to medium in length. I don't mind short, light-hearted shenanigans to get in the writing mood, but they usually get on the longer side very fast lmao. I just like to set the mood and describe my muse's processings, but it is also important to me to include my partner's muse into it. So it gets inevitably long very fast. I don't expect my partners to match length. But if a reply feels very lackluster with many errors and little content to work with, I am likely to ask for a change or ask to drop it if the mood for it seems gone.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES? Not really. I mean, there are bits and pieces that resonate with me. Like Shredder's anger. I won't lie, I am a very spiteful little goblin and I can get angry about anything and everything. I am not as vengeful tho, I let go of things that pissed me off eventually. I am also very insecure about myself and the things I do, so I can relate to Krang's hidden insecurities. It's really more about relating to them than really seeing myself in them in any way or capacity tho.

TAGGED BY: @dynamoprotocol

#Non Rp #Saby's Clown-Hours

[katefiction]

And Then There Were Five!

By TheCambridge_memes on Instagram 

Consider any mistakes, please ♡

~

Continuing after Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Catherine's POV 

I didn't expect William would really leave... but it's okay, I don't blame him. Still at least he could understand me. I sighed and lay down in bed and covered myself in a duvet. The doctor was right, I didn't know how weak I was until I fell asleep and got terrible nightmares. I woke up as screaming and called out William as loud as I could, but I didn't have to call him because he was already there, he held my hand tightly, "What's happaned, Babykins?", he asked softly and petted my hair. I was only looking at him for next few seconds and then hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and I feel the safest here, in his arms. I breathed into his chest as trying to get over my nightmares. I was calmed after some time and then William helped me to drink some water.

"Do you feel better now, darling?", William asked then. I nodded but avoided his eyes.

He sighed in relief and squeezed my hand, "Are you still annoyed at me?", he further asked. I looked at him now, "No...", I said quietly and shook my head,  "..but you shouldn't.."

"I shouldn't have been loud with you, yes, I know", he finished my words, "But you were so stubborn, Catherine. You have to understand my concern..."

"I do understand it...", I said and touched my stomach, "You just want to protect me, protect us"

William caressed my hand that was on my stomach and then kissed me on forehead, "I haven't cancelled your engagement yet because you didn't agree. If you want to do it, you will but please let me be with you there", he said then. 

Now I smiled a bit, "Cancel my engagement.. it's the best decision for my condition now. I can feel that", I said and smiled again, assured him that I wasn't angry anymore. 

"Are you sure?", he asked and caressed my cheek, "I can accompany you if you really want to go there"

"I want to go there but I can't. So I agree with you, cancel this engagement", I said.

William sighed, "Okay, I will tell them."

But suddenly I was anxious about what will we give as an excuse?

"William, what will you tell them to announce? Why are we cancelling it?", I asked.

He smiled, "The truth. We'll announce your pregnancy today"

I immediately remembered Harry's 'request'. But I didn't know how to tell this to William. How would he feel if he knew that his brother didn't want us to announce my pregnancy because of his engagement announcement... I sighed, "Shouldn't we wait until Harry announces his engagement with Ms. Markle?", I asked quietly. 

William looked at me with quite astonished eyes, "He can easily announce it after your pregnancy announcement. It's not a big deal", he said.

"What if he feels overshadowed by us?", I asked then.

William was even more astonished now, "What are you saying, Catherine? Has it ever happened before?"

"Time changes, William", I said quietly. 

He stared at me for a few seconds and then chuckled, "I understand that your hormones are a mess these days, my wife", he said and kissed on my hair, "I'm going to publish the news", he added and then left the room.

I looked at his way and sighed again, "It's not my hormones this time..."

A few minutes after my pregnancy was announced from Kensingtonroyal Twitter and Instagram the whole world was beyound happy and congratulating us every minute. I always feel overwhelmed by the love and support we receive from public, but this time what attaracted my eyes more was a viral video of Harry, he was asked how was he feeling about my pregnancy announcement. He looked just pissed and that hurt me. I just prayed so that William wouldn't see it. I couldn't see him get hurt by his own brother whom he loved deeply.

Chapter 20

William's POV 

5th September, 2017

"Are you sure that you're alright?", I asked Catherine as I was leaving for my engagement at Support4Grenfell Community Club, I had this engagement with Harry.

"I'm fine, don't worry", Catherine said and smiled weakly. She was again vomiting in the morning, although it was less than the previous day. I put on my suit and went closer to her. She caressed my cheek as I kissed her on lips, "I'll be home soon.", I said after the kiss.

She giggled now, "Go, William.", she said and pushed me back a little. I smiled and looked at Lupo. He was lying next to our bed.

"Lupo boy, look after mummy, will you?", I asked him and he jumped up on the bed and barked as cuddling with his 'mum'. Catherine laughed, "As if the overprotective husband was not enough!", she said as looking at me. I smirked, "Wait until George grows up! He's under training!", I said and then left for my engagement. Although my mind wanted to stay with my wife all day and taking care of her with my best.

"So when will you announce your engagement with Ms. Markle?", I asked Harry on our way to the club. He startled and looked at me, "Ummm... not sure. Meghan wanted to announce this month but she doesn't want it now. So probably next month or so...", he said. "Why doesn't she want to announce now?", I asked then. "I don't know. Maybe she has some issue in US", Harry said. I nodded and rest of the way we were silent. Was Catherine right? "Time changes, William!", I remember her words.

7th September, 2017

I prepared my big boy George for his first day of school. He was quite scared. I tapped on his shoulder, "You'll be fine, son", I said and smiled. He smiled too but he was still anxious. I petted his hair, "Wait here. Let me see if mummy is ready yet", I said and then went to our bedroom where Catherine was. I wasn't prepared for what I saw inside. Catherine had vomited on the carpet and she was sitting there as leaning on the bed. She looked unconscious. I didn't know if I just ran to her. I touched her cheek and she looked at me, "I ruined the carpet", she whispered and closed her eyes again. I immediately took her up on my arms and laid her down in bed.

"Ain't we getting late for George's school?", she asked whispering. 

"Hshh... don't talk", I said and petted her hair, "Did you take your medicine today?", I asked.

She nooded and sighed. My heart broke for her once again. I got up and brought a wet towel to wipe her face and to give her some comfort. 

She wanted to get up now. 

"Why are you getting up? Don't, please", I said and held her back.

"I need to clean the carpet", she said, "It's just gross and I don't want any of the staffs to see it, let alone clean it", she said weakly.

"I'll clean it up", I said and laid her down again, "Don't move"

She stared at me for a while and smiled, "Is George ready for school? Is he still scared as yesterday?", she asked then. 

I smiled too and petted her hair, "He's still a bit scared but don't worry, he'll be fine", I replied.

She smiled again and held my hand, "I can't believe how fast our little George is growing up..", she said emotionally, "It's his first day at school already.."

I squeezed her hand.

"Do you remember his first cry?", she asked and a tear drop appered on the corner of her eye.

"I do..", I said softly and wiped her tear.

"Let's go.. He'll be late now", she said after a few minutes.

I sighed and caressed her cheek, "You can't go, Kate", I said quietly. 

She looked at me in disbelief, 

"You're kidding, ain't you?, she asked. I shook my head, "No... You really can't go.." She got up even though it wasn't so easy for her, "You're telling me that I can't go with my son on his first day at school and you're not kidding?!", she shouted. "Calm down, Catherine... please", I said quietly and wanted to hold her arm but she didn't let me. "I'll go", she hissed. "You can't, Catherine. You're too weak to go with us. You were not even able to get up just a few minutes ago when I came here. You vomited a lot and was laying there, almost fainted", I said and pointed at the carpet. "You can't stop me from joining my son's first day at school, no matter what!", she shouted even louder and then touched her stomach. "Please don't be so stubborn, Kate", I said then, "The more stubborn you'll get, the more it will hurt me to know that I can't take you with us" She wanted to say something yet and opened her mouth but right then George came and said, "We're getting late, papa"

It was a promise between us that we will never scream or shout or fight in front of our children, something that I experienced all my childhood and never want my children to experience it even for once. 

"Come here, George", I said then, "Watch out the carpet.. yeah, come on"

As he approached us, I petted his hair, "Mummy can't go with us", I said, "You have to say goodbye to mummy now"

"Oh no..", George said sadly and held his mum's hands, "Are you feeling ill, mummy? I'll be okay with papa. Get well soon", he said and kissed her on cheek. Catherine smiled through tears and hugged her son tightly and kissed him on hair, "I'm sorry, sweetheart", she whispered.

"It's okay, mummy. Don't worry", George said and smiled.

I caressed his back, "Go wait in the living room. I'm coming in a few seconds, okay?", I said then. George nodded and left the room. I looked at my wife. She was avoiding me and breathing fast. I again tried to hold her hand and she moved it away. I sighed and didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry...", I whispered but she didn't look at me.

"Can I just kiss you on forehead before leaving?", I asked then. She laid down and covered herself in a duvet. She was hurt and it wasn't only her hormones this time. I got up and was about to leave but she called me then. I looked back and wasn't prepared to hear what she said, "I'll never forgive you for today!"

Chapter 21

Catherine's POV 

George came back from school in the early afternoon. He ran into my room as he couldn't wait to share his experience with me. I was lying here all the day. I didn't even eat lunch, I just didn't want to. My big boy hugged me tight and told me everything how was his first day. He was beaming with happiness.

"My classmates have already given me a nickname and it's PG!", he said.

"PG?", I asked and petted his hair, "What that means?"

"It's Prince George!", he replied and giggled. I giggled too but stopped immediately as 'George's Papa' came into the room. I didn't want to show him that I was actually happy now and (maybe!) guilty for how I behaved with him when he only wanted to take care of me and protect me. Childish, I know. I always love to be childish with my William! I love it how he tries to convince me as if I'm a baby like Charlotte! 

He looked at me and I turned my eyes off of him. I could feel that he hid a sigh and looked at our son, "Come on, George. You need to take a shower and then eat some snacks", he said.

George nodded and kissed me on cheek and then left with Maria who was waiting at the corridor for him.

William looked at me again and said in a cold voice, "You didn't eat lunch today. I understand that you're angry towards me but your food is not responsible for anything. You can't avoid it. It's essential for you"

I tried not to smile and looked away.

"Eat something now or I will call Carole here and complain her how you're not taking care of yourself and not letting me do it either", he said then.

One of our staffs knocked the door and asked for permission.

"Come in, please", William said and she entered with a tray with two dishes and a glass of juice.

I looked at William with sharp eyes. As the staff left he looked at me too, "Just some oatmeal and a boiled egg", he said, "Eat them, please"

I waited for a few seconds yet and then pulled the tray closer. He sighed in relief and then went towards his cupboard. Instead of eating I was watching him as he took off his shirt and put on a t-shirt, I wished he wouldn't see me looking at him as he was changing because I always feel very embarrassed when he notices my look! And this time it would be more embarrassing because I was 'angry' towards him...Thankfully he didn't notice it and I started to eat finally but I didn't talk to him yet.

It was evening and William didn't come to me all this time. Well, he actually did but just checked on me from the outside of the room. I decided to go to him finally. He was watching a football match in the living room. I sat down next to him on the sofa. He looked at me and turned off the TV. 

"What? Wasn't it an exciting match today?", I asked.

"It was but doesn't matter", he replied, "How do you feel now?"

I sighed, "Better", I said and looked at the flat dark TV screen, "You can kiss me on forehead now!", I said quietly. 

He was looking at me for a few seconds and then moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my waist, "So you forgave me?", he asked and smiled.

I looked into his eyes, "I did... And I'm sorry..", I whispered then.

"Hshhh... don't be", he whispered too and kissed on my forehead, "I can understand how you felt. But trust me, if you were not that weak, I would never do it"

"I know", I whispered again and buried my face into his chest, "I know you only wanted to protect me"

He breathed into my hair and hugged me.

"You can watch that football match", I said after a few minutes. 

He looked at me and smiled, "I don't want to watch it now. I want to keep my wife in my arms as long as possible", he said.

I pretended to be annoyed but then I probably blushed and he giggled to see me. He caressed my cheek, "I was so scared when I saw you lying on the carpet in the morning", he whispered. I didn't say anything but just slowly pressed my lips on his with all my passion as long as I could hold my breath.

I blushed again after our long passionate kiss and he gave me his sweetest smile.

10th September, 2017

I was doing my make up for a reception at Buckingham palace on World's Mental Health Day. Right then I felt a wave in my stomach. I feel it right befor my worst HG attack. I tried to forget about it. If William would feel it, he wouldn't let me go and that's the last thing I wanted. I was really exhausted of staying home. I wanted to join this reception no matter what. I drank some water and calmed myself down.

But as soon I reached Buckingham palace, I knew that I should have told William about my illness. It was just increasing.

Harry reached a few minutes later and when William and Harry were discussing about the reception I ran towards the bathroom. I vomited everything I ate at the lunch and I felt like I would get fainted. I waited in the bathroom for more than 20 minutes to get normal again and then started to fix my make up. I ruined my lips while putting lipstick as I saw William on the mirror, standing behind me...

"Talk to me..", I said quietly for the 5th time in the car as we were going back to home. William was extremely silent since he found out I was vomiting and hiding my HG attack from him. He still didn't talk to me. I sighed and looked through the window. We reached home at about 9 pm. As we entered into our bedroom, William locked the door and pulled me closer to himself all of a sudden.

"Why did you do this? Why were you hiding? What if it would have turned into even worse? You could have lost consciousness and I might not even know! Thankfully I followed you or else I don't even want to imagine what could have happend!", he said in one breath.

I touched his cheek, "Nothing's happened, William", I said softly as looking into his eyes.

"Anything could have happend...", he wanted to say something more but then I gently kissed on his chin, "I'm sorry... I know I should have told you. I wasn't feeling well even before we left for the reception but I really wanted to go there and I didn't want you to stop me", I said quietly and caressed his cheek. He sighed and kissed on my cheek, "Don't do it again", he whispered and took me into his arms.

"I won't..", I whispered too and then looked into his eyes again, "You were not talking to me at all.. what everyone thought there? You looked just grumpy", I said and caressed his chest.

"I'm sorry...", he said, "I was really anxious"

I smiled, "It's okay, big Willy", I said and hugged him again. He chuckled as wrapping his arms around me.

"Do you want to take a shower, Babykins?", he asked after a few minutes, "Maybe you'll feel better then"

I nodded, "I think you're right", I said and then smiled mischieviously, "Let us have it together!", I said.

He startled and smirked, "Are you sure?", he asked then.

"Ow yes.. go prepare the hot tub!", I whispered and winked.

Chapter 22

William's POV 

Time passed by in a blink of an eye. It was November already and my wife was glowing as our tiny baby was growing up inside her.

"William... what are you doing?", Catherine asked me in a sleepy voice. I was laying my head on her little baby bump when she was sleeping. I looked at her and smiled shyly, "Did I just wake you up? I'm sorry", I said then, "But I couldn't stop myself from listening to our baby's heartbeats"

She smiled and caressed my cheek, "Did you feel it now?", she asked whispering. 

"I did...", I replied, "When will the baby start kicking?"

She giggled a bit, "I another month, I think"

"Hopefull this baby will be a football enthusiast like me", I said and grinned. Catherine giggled again and looked into my eyes, "You can't wait to meet our baby, can you?", she whispered. 

"I really can't.. I never couldn't, right?", I said as laying down close to her and taking her into my arms.

"That's true", she said and caressed her bump, "I hope it will be an easy delivery", she said and sighed. I kissed her on hair, "It will be... don't worry, Babykins", I whispered then and she closed her eyes.

12th November, 2017

We came back home from Royal Variety Performance. It was a fun filled evening until Catherine's condition got worse. As soon as we reached home, she started to vomit and I had no idea what to do. I knew how she was suffering but I really had nothing to do to help her. This fact just made me frustrated. 

12.30 in the midnight and she lost consciousness...

"Extreme dehydration and lack of nutrition again", the doctor said after checking on Catherine. She was still unconscious. 

"She's refusing to eat most of the time and I can't force because she vomits whatever she gets to be fed forcefully", I said and sighed, "What to do now?"

The doctor was checking her pressure, "Umhmm.. low pressure too", he said, "No need to worry. She'll be alright overnight. I'm prescribing a few of calcium and minerals but she must have to eat properly"

I nodded.

The doctor left about half an hour later and I was sitting next to my wife as holding her hand, waiting for her to wake up. She looked really pale and exhausted. She was opening her eyes slowly a few minutes later and murmured my name. I just held her hand tighter and petted her hair, "I'm here", I whispered and she smiled at me weakly, "Were you scared?", she asked whispering.

"Shouldn't have I?", I asked and sighed.

She smiled again, "I'm alright... and a little bit hungry", she said.

I kissed her on forehead, "What do you want to eat, Babykins?", I asked then. 

"Anything", she replied and closed her eyes. I wished if I could take away a little bit of her suffering. I got up to go to the kitchen and make something healthy for her. She called me back and I quickly went closer to her and bent over her, "Yes, Babykins?"

"I love you!", she whispered and smiled. I smiled too. Only if my little Babykins knew how much I love her, I'll never find a way to express it...

28th November, 2017

"It's just a two days tour, William. Stop worrying like this. And it's not the first time that you'll be on tour while I'm pregnant. It's just fine with me", Catherine said.

I had a tour to Finland for next two days and I really didn't want to go.

"I know", I said, "But this is the first time when the doctors clearly declared that your pregnancy is difficult and you don't take care of yourself at all"

Catherine sighed, "I'll call my mum here to look after me, okay?", she said and caressed my cheek. 

I sighed in relief. Carole is someone I can totally rely on to look after Catherine. In fact she'll do better than me.

"That's good. I'll call her and ask her to come here tomorrow before I leave for my tour", I said. 

Catherine stared at me for a while and giggled quietly. 

"What?", I asked then.

"I'm not a baby, William", she said and giggled again. 

I smiled, "Yes, you are, my wife..", I said as cuddling with her in bed, "You're my little Babykins", I added and kissed her on cheek. She pretended to be annoyed, "Let me go, idiot!"

29th November, 2017

"She was vomiting again just a few minutes ago yet, Carole", I was saying to Catherine's mother who arrived this morning in our apartment and would stay with Catherine until I'd be back. Carole petted my shoulder, "It's okay, I'm here now. I'll take care of her"

"I know you will. I just want this terrible suffering for her to be over", I said frustratingly.

We were silent for the next few minutes. It broke when Carole said, "You'll be late now, William"

I looked at the clock and nodded, "Yes... I'm just going to say goodbye to Catherine and then I'll leave", I said and hugged Carole and went to my bedroom where Catherine was.

"Hey...", she whispered as slowly getting up on bed, "I thought you left already"

I approached her, "Without kissing you goodbye?", I asked and smiled. 

She smiled too, "That's unlikely", she said and fixed my tie.

I took her hands into mine and looked into her eyes.

"What are you watching?", she asked, "Just give me that damn kiss! I'm gonna miss it for bloody two days!", she said. 

I cupped her face and then slowly kissed her on lips, she deepened the kiss and made it longer until I had to pull back because I was really getting late now.

"I have to go, Babykins", I said.

She kissed me again, a shorter soft kiss this time, "Have a safe flight. Call me when you'll reach there", she said.

"I will", I said and stared at her for a few moments and then left for my flight.

Chapter 23

Catherine's POV 

The moment William left to go to Finland, I started to feel just empty! It's a very strange feeling, I would say. It's like a part of me was missing! Does William feel the same? I can bet that he does.

My sweet little girl Charlotte came to me. She was standing sadly in front of the door. 

"Lottie... come here, sweetheart", I called her and extended my arm. She ran towards me and I helped her to get up on the bed next to me and took her into my arms. She hid her face into my chest.

"What's happened, darling?", I asked and kissed her on hair.

"I miss dada", she said.

I sighed, "Me too, Lottie...", I said in my mind and hugged my daughter tighter.

"It smells gross, mum!", I said and pushed the dishes back that mum brought to me for lunch.

She pushed them towards me again, "No excuses, Catherine. Or you know my treatment", she said.

I sighed and took the spoon to eat. I knew her treatment. She would just call William and he would be scolding me by phone. I rolled my eyes and started to eat. My mum smiled at me and then said, "You have some medicines to take after lunch"

I nodded. Mum was reading my prescription, "So many schedules of medication, Squeak", she said, "How do you cope with it?"

I smiled shyly, "William remembers them", I said. 

Mum smiled again and ran her fingers through my hair, "When will you have the next test?"

"Soon", I replied and swallowed the food I was chewing, "A day after William will be back. We'll have another ultrasound"

"And will you know the gender this time?", she asked then.

I shook my head, "No. It will be a surprise again", I said and grinned. 

"What do you think it will be?", mum asked then.

I looked at my bump and caressed it, "I think it's a boy but William thinks it's a girl but he's never right in guessing our babies' gender. He thought George would be a girl and Charlotte would be a boy!", I said and laughed. 

Mum laughed too. My phone rang right then. No need to say it was William, calling me to know if I had lunch yet. I was more than just 'happy' to get his call but I couldn't let him know it, right?! I received the call. Mum smiled and left the room.

"You need to call me literally every hour, William!", I said as pretending to be annoyed.

He smiled, "Did you eat lunch?"

"I did or else mum would have called you and you wouldn't be smiling like this then", I said and made a face to him.

He laughed quietly and then asked, "How's Mignonette? She was very sad when I was leaving"

"She's quite alright now, playing with Lupo. Do you want to do talk to her?", I asked.

"I would love to but I have an engagement right now. Send her my kisses and tell her that I love her", William said then.

I smiled, "Okay, I will"

"Goodbye, Babykins", he said and hung up the call.

1st December, 2017

I hung up the advent calendar above the fireplace in our living room and then looked at the clock, it was time for William to come back home after his two days trip to Finland.

"Mummy, papa's arrived!", George screamed as he ran to me with Charlotte. I wanted to scream like him too! But instead of I smiled and hugged them. Staffs came with William's luggage and in a few minutes, my big man appeared in the door. 

"PAPA!" "DADA!", George and Charlotte screamed hysterically and almost jumped over their father. William giggled as taking them up on his arms and kissed them. I got a few happy tears as looking at them but I quickly wiped them before William looked at me. He smiled and put down George and Charlotte and came closer to me. I smiled too and then hugged him tightly and breathed into his scent, "I missed you", I whispered. 

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on hair, "I missed you more", he whispered too and caressed my baby bump, "And I missed our baby", he added and gently kissed on my bump.

"Were you a good baby?", he whispered to my bump and I giggled. 

"Papa, did you ask santa when he will send me my police car?", George asked from behind. 

He sent a letter to santa by William asking for a police car in Christmas. 

William startled and looked back, "Yes, of course. You'll get it right in the Christmas eve, George", he said and smiled. 

"And me?", Charlotte asked sadly.

William took her into his arms, "You haven't asked for anything yet, Mignonette", William said and petted her hair, "Have you decided now? Santa will send your gifts too"

Charlotte thought for a while and smiled, "A unicorn!", she said.

William tried not to giggle, "Hmm... that will be hard for him to find. Will a unicorn doll be okay? I can promise you, it will be giant!"

"YES! Thank you, dada!", Charlotte said and kissed her father on cheek.

Our George and Charlotte keep William on his toes. Next year William would be in even more 'Trouble' with another little one in his arms. A boy or a girl, whatever it would be- he would love his new baby deeply and would love to have a new 'Christmas Trouble'. It was 24 days left for Christmas of 2017 and I couldn't already wait for next Christmas, to see my William surrounded by three little musketeers! I caressed my baby bump, "We can't wait for you, baby!", I whispered.

Chapter 24

William's POV 

25th December, 2017

Christmas morning. I woke up with a kiss on my cheek from my wife. I opened my eyes a bit and looked at her. She was smiling as bending over me, "Happy Christmas, darling", she said. "Happy Christmas, Babykins", I said too and kissed her on lips for a few seconds. "You stink!", she said after the kiss and giggled like a little girl. I chuckled, "You still love it, Mrs. Wales", I said. She nodded and kissed me again. "We can't spend the whole Christmas as kissing each other. We have to get up now", I said then as tucking some of her hair behind her ear. Her hair was gorgeous even though she just woke up. "Sadly, yes", she said and was about to get up but startled and leaned back on me. She trembled hard. "What's happening?", I asked and held her arm, I won't lie, I was scared. She looked at me, took my hand into hers and placed it on her baby bump that wasn't so little anymore. "Feel it", she whispered.

I couldn't feel anything. I looked at her and she placed both of my hands on the bump. It was now my turn to tremble, harder than Catherine did! Our baby was 'kicking' with all it's strength! I looked at Catherine again and she smiled through tears, "This feeling never gets old!", she whispered and the baby kicked again. I could feel my fast beating heart and the tears on the corners of my both eyes. I kissed my wife on forehead, "This is the best Christmas present I ever had!", I whispered and smiled. 

We spent the next hour in bed, in each other's arms while our baby didn't stop letting us know that he or she was there with us too!

The last page of the calendar of 2017 turned over sooner than we thought. A new year came with new hopes and happiness! We passed a very busy January month full of royal engagements and two tour to Sweden and Norway. Our little Charlotte started her nursery school. 

In the mid of February we got to know that our baby will arrive in the last week of April. Two more months that seemed like years to us!

19th February, 2018

"You're looking absolutely gorgeous, my wife", I whispered to Catherine as she got prepared to accompany me in BAFTA. She smirked and looked at herself in the mirror, "I'm looking so fat!", she said, "Can you believe how much weight I gained in last month?"

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her bump, "You look even beautiful with that, I swear", I said and kissed her on cheek.

"Stop flattering, William Wales!", she said but smiled and leaned back on me. We looked into each other's eyes through the mirror and we both sighed in relief! Unknowingly I kissed her on neck and she trembled. She looked back to face me and I grinned.

"What was that?", she whispered and her cheeks turned red, "Don't start it now... our kids can be here and they won't believe how mischeivious their papa could be!"

I chuckled, "I can stop now if you promise that you will let me kiss you all night!", I whispered.

"William!", Catherine said shyly and gently pushed me back with her elbow, "We're getting late now. Let's go"

As we came back home late at night, it was sleepless indeed! We were lost in cuddles and kisses until it was dawn. 

"If we'll have a girl, I hope she'll have your eyes", I whispered to Catherine as I was laying my head against her chest and my hand on her baby bump. She was caressing my head and smiled, "And if it's a boy then I hope he'll have your eyes!", she whispered.

We chuckled softly and wanted to kiss but a quiet knock interrupted up!

"Wrap up!", Catherine whispered and giggled.

We took up our robes and I went to open the door.

My sweet Mignonette was standing there with her giant unicorn!

"Can I sleep with you, papa?", she asked in sleepy voice.

I smiled and took her up on my arms, "Of course you can, Mignonette", I said and kissed her on cheek. Catherine smiled as looking at us. 

I covered Charlotte in a blanket as she fell asleep upon my chest.

"Can I have a little space there?", Catherine asked whispering and I just gently pulled her closer...

Chapter 25

Catherine's POV 

23rd March, 2018

I would have my last engagement before maternity leave. We were going at St. Lukes Community Centre ahead of Commonwealth Head of Government Meeting next month. Two days ago I attended Easter service and William wanted that to my last outing before giving birth but I was stubborn to attend this engagement for Commonwealth. He was clearly not happy about it.

"And heels?", he asked as looking at my feet.

I looked at him, "What's wrong with my heels?", I asked then.

William sighed, "Nothing's wrong", he said and placed a hand on my back, "Let's go"

When were going back home, I immediately realised what was 'wrong' with my heels. My feet started to ache horribly and I felt like if I could cut them off of myself! I didn't know how to hide this from William. We reached at Kensington palace but I was not able to leave the car. William looked at me as he stepped outside and was waiting for me to get off of the car.

"Kate?", he called me anxiously.

I grinded my teeth to endure the aching of my feet. William got in the car again, "What's happening?", he aksed and touched my knee.

"My feet", I said quietly and tried to avoid his eyes. He stared at me for a few seconds and sighed and left the car again.

"Where are you going?", I asked.

He came towards my side of the car and opended the door.

"Hold my hand",he said softly. I did as he said.

"Step here... slowly", he said again. I hissed in pain as I put my feet on the ground. William's arm slipped around my back and he took me up on his arms before I realised.

"What are you doing?", I asked being astonished. He was carrying me now. He didn't reply. When he put me down finally, it was on our bed. 

"The staffs were watching your madness!", I said quietly.

He looked at me, "And what was madness in there? I carried my wife because she wasn't able to walk", he said and knelt down in front of me and took off my heels.

"Look at your feet", he said and looked at me. I turned my eyes off of him. He sighed and got up and went to the bathroom and came back with a towel and a bowl of warm water.

"What will you do now?", I asked.

He looked into my eyes but didn't reply. He knelt down again and took my feet on his knee.

"William are you...", I wanted to say something but he shushed me and started to give a gentle massage to my feet with warm water. And it felt heavenly!

"And so I asked why did you choose heels", William said quietly and looked at me.

I smiled and caressed his cheek.

"What?", he pretended to feel annoyed.

"Cinderella was less luckier than me", I whispered and smiled again.

"Cinderella had Prince Charming... your Prince is balding here!", he said and smirked. I stared at him for a while and we both laughed out loudly!

23rd April, 2018

It was almost 8 in the morning. My sleep was interrupted by a few minutes now. I got up and I knew it wasn't normal. I looked at William next to me. He was asleep. Right then I felt that unbearable pain in my bump. I grabbed my husband's arm and called his name. He woke up anxiously and held my hand.

"I'm in labour...", I whispered.

Chapter 26

William's POV 

"I'm in labour...", Catherine whispered as grabbing my hand and second later she screamed out. I felt completely lost for the first few moments. I had no idea what to do. I got back into reality when she screamed again and grabbed my hand even tighter.

I petted her hair and kissed her on hand, "Breath... just breath, Babykins.. we'll be in hospital soon", I said quickly.

I didn't know how the next 20 minutes passed with preparing and carrying Catherine towards the car. She was breathing and sweating and I knew she was trying to hide her real feelings just not to make me worried. "Babykins..", I whispered and caressed her back. She smiled at me weakly, "I'm fine!", she whispered and squeezed my hand. Where do you get all these strength, Babykins?!

".... very well done.. yes, push again, ma'am... you're doing very well", the doctor said as I watched my wife writhing on the hospital bed. My heart stopped beating and I held her hand as tight as I could. "Just one last push... almost here..", the doctor said. Catherine took a deep breath and in the next moment I heard the new born scream... 9 months of silence broke down! "Congratulations, your royal highnesses! It's a boy!", the doctor said. I looked at my wife. She was exhausted, panting but she still held her loveliest smile! I wanted to kiss her on forehead but she made it on lips!

"Isn't he so beautiful?", Catherine whispered as caressing our baby boy's chubby cheek by her finger. He was sleeping peacefully as snuggling into mummy's chest.

"He is... just like his mummy", I whispered too. Catherine smiled shyly and placed her head on my shoulder and sighed.

"Shall I bring George and Charlotte here?", I asked her quietly a few minutes later. She smiled happily, "Yes.. of course. They'll be very happy", she said.

I smiled too and kissed her on cheek and our baby boy on forehead. 

As I stepped outside the hospital, thousands of flashes almost made me blind but I didn't mind at all!

Charlotte ran to me as soon as I got home and she hugged me tightly, "I am so happy, papa", she said. I kissed her on head, "You will go to see him now", I said and she screamed happily. 

"How's mummy?", my anxious big boy asked and I couldn't be more proud of him.

"Mummy is alright, George", I said and petted his hair, "Are you happy for your little brother?", I asked then.

George smiled, "Yes, very happy!", he said.

Charlotte was constantly waving at the crowd outside the hospital while George was quite shy. As I went towards the hospital building, holding my children's hands, I felt like the proudest dad this world ever had!

"He's so tiny!", Charlotte whispered as looking at her baby brother. Catherine smiled and petted her hair, "It's because he's a new born baby. You were also tiny when you were just born", she said.

Charlotte giggled and was staring at her brother lovingly. George was more concered about his mum but he wasn't less excited than Charlotte. 

"Can I hold him, mummy?", Charlotte asked.

"Of course you can", Catherine replied and gently put our baby on Charlotte's lap. I didn't remember if I ever saw my daughter more happier before!

"George... he's looking at me!", she whispered excitedly.

George smiled and looked at his brother as wrapping an arm around his sister while I saw my wife wiping her happy tears slowly... I couldn't help capturing this moment by my phone... I had to wipe my tears before anyone could notice.

The Last Chapter 

23rd April, 2022

Our youngest boy Louis came to us as running. He was holding some cards in his little hands.

"Mummy... papa.. Look, I got presents from Lottie and George!", he said excitedly. 

Catherine and I smiled at him and made him sit between us.

"This card is from Lottie and this is from George", Louis proudly showed us his birthday gifts from his elder siblings. 

"We have more presents for you, Lou-Lou!", George and Charlotte said together from behind and joined us.

I petted Charlotte's hair while Catherine hugged George. 

"More presents?!", Louis scremed happily and George and Charlotte gave him two boxes, wrapped with colourful papers. He couldn't wait to open them up and screamed happily once again as seeing his gifts. 

He hugged his brother and sister. I was watching it all and I didn't know I got tears until my wife touched my cheek and made me startle so hard. I smiled and took her into my arms along with my three children. They're my paradise on earth! I wonder what I did to desrve them? What made God to send this paradise to me? And I know the answer - once upon a time I fell in love with Catherine Elizabeth, the purest soul ever and never got up since!

[ THE END]

~

This is my most favourite and the longest story I've written. I never thought I would submit it here but I did and I hope you all loved reading it. Please, send me feedback, that would really inspire me to submit more stories ♡ TheCambridge_memes on Instagram 

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