#i am lucky enough to have someone who helps me handle it better

[angrylittleburd]

I will forever be thankful for my girlfriend (@shibithekat) & her ability to calm me down whenever my mind tries to phase shift through space and time

#kitti #burd #burdart #june 10 #hey anxiety and overthinking can be a real B #i am lucky enough to have someone who helps me handle it better

[inkskinned]

for the longest time my family used to host one of the biggest haunted houses on my block: elaborate, themed amateur haunts that pearled out along our lawn for one-night-only. spinning circus wheel-of-terrors and walkthrough alien crash-landings and spiders that arched over our driveway, leaking venom onto your feet.

we didn't have a lot of money; and honestly i don't know how we afforded what we did have. there were not going to be pneumatics or projectors or any supply over 20 dollars - and even 20 was a stretch. we were lucky, and we lived in a town that had a "swap shed", where people would drop off any banged-up-but-usable items that they wanted to get rid of. the whole year, my family would pick over someone else's discarded fans and lights and weird decorations, asking each other - what do you think? for halloween?

we would strip the motors out of rusted fans and spraypaint vases and saw broom handles in half and apply a very thick coat of cardboard and duct tape to everything. for our pirate year, i made the mistake of individually drawing woodgrain onto each strip of cardboard that made up the ship. i then gently painted and distressed the "boards" so they'd each have lichen and cracks and unusual patterns. i hid eyes in the knots and shaped skulls. you couldn't see any of it in the dark, even under our "spotlight" (someone's target-branded workshop flashlight).

i have a lot of very strange skills as a result. i know how to make a flying ghost appear both physically and in the mirror. i know how to make a witch's brew that stirs itself. i know how to burn and cut and paint until there is an iron throne you can sit on, or an alien brushing your ankles, or a hearse trundling along. i can't say we ever made it beyond our local newspapers, but we tried so hard that the town would regularly shut down our street.

i can't put any of these skills on a resume, and i haven't been able to put them to use for a while. i live in an apartment, there's no lawn for me to decorate. for years i've wanted to do an alice in wonderland theme, and have been collecting ideas like coins in a fountain. at other houses, i am transfixed by 12 foot skeletons and paper mache spooky lanterns; easily wooed by the knowledge of how much time people put in.

someone asked me once - so what was the point? and why didn't you guys charge anything to show up?

in truth, we probably needed the money. for years there, we were a 1-meal-a-day kind of a family. i was being polite earlier up in this essay: we furnished both our house and our halloweens using things left a recycling center. we live in new england and still didn't turn on the heat until the end of november, no matter how low the temperature.

every year we would collect donations for unicef and other charities. on an average year, we would collect enough to pay for our food for weeks. every year, without fail: we donated every penny.

this endeavor took months to plan and design and execute. we had to organize any volunteers and check safety and hope-for-the-best. it took at least 24 hours to set up, a week to take down. the motors and fans and lights all had to be packed tight. the cardboard would scatter, pangea in the rain and sleet. i remember picking up a plank from that pirate ship, the paint blown clear off, all my hard work completely erased. a new kind of driftwood.

if this was a poem, and not a memory, i could wrap this up prettily. i could say that these skills landed me a cool job in the haunting industry or that it taught me the value of friendship and responsibility. but i actually think it's something better, something very pretty: there wasn't ever a moral to it.

the night was a long one. yes, there were assholes, people who broke stuff. but mostly it was just kids like us in cardboard costumes, dressed as an incredibly niche kind of truck. good parents who were friendly and laughing. teenagers who slunk in at late hours, wide-eyed and secretly delighted; who asked us can i help next year? like, do y'all take volunteers, or whatever? every year more people came, and told their friends, and offered to pay. and every year we said maybe next year and meant absolutely never.

we did it because it was enough to love something, and to make that love visible. we did it because there is very rarely an excuse to have fun. i think maybe especially, for me - we did it because every year, there was one first "customer" somewhere around 3-4PM, while we were still putting on the final touches. the sun would still be up, and we were frazzled and always-running-late, and these kids saw our vision unfinished in the bright light of day.

something about their parents murmuring say thank you and telling my mom this setup is so sweet while this little kid would grin up at us, dazzled by our artistic mediocrity. the fall air and the chill and their coat-over-a-panda-princess-costume. that first phrase of the night awkwardly managed over a pair of overly-large vampire teeth: a beautiful and excited trick or treat!

#wholesome #happy halloween #writeblr #just something to maybe warm ur heart in these times #my parents also usually let me take nov 1st off #this is the first year in like 20 years im not taking it off bc it became like a family holiday #i regret not taking it off but alas. capitalism.

[seospicybin]

TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

PART II

Seungmin x reader. (s)

Too Hot To Handle Masterlist

Synopsis: You and Seungmin become contestants in a reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. (13,8k words)

Author's note: Enjoy this one too and let me know what you think about it :)

SEUNGMIN: I may be an athlete, but I don't compete to get girls. I attract what I want and oftentimes, I get what I want [smiles] I'm a pretty straightforward person. Am I wild? [Laughs] Guess we'll find out?

-

In his profession, Seungmin relies a lot on his instincts.

If Seungmin thinks the pitcher is going to throw a four-seam fastball, he would want to get the ball down in the zone. If it's a tow-seam fastball, he should raise his bat about thigh high and if he notices any different type of motion or slowing of arm speed, he'd better expect a change-up.

When Seungmin first sees you, his instinct tells him that he should choose you.

People always talk about physical attraction, well, yes, how can Seungmin is not attracted to you? You're pleasing to the eyes. Your eyes, your lips, your sparkling eyes, and your sonorous laugh, they're all attractive.

What interests him more is still there hiding inside you. He wants to talk more to you, know your thoughts and ideas, if he's lucky enough, he wants to know your hopes and dreams too.

For now, permission and a kiss would suffice.

The kiss, oh... it's like fireworks are going off from inside his chest and exploding in his head, filling it with sparks.

"That was good," You shyly mutter while trying to hold his gaze.

"Well, you can have more if you want," he coyly says.

The two of you are looking into each other eyes, still reeling from what he thought was the nicest first kiss you both shared.

Seungmin is aware that someone is appearing behind him as you look past his shoulder, looking like you just got caught doing something.

"Hey, guys," Issa says.

"Hey, babes," you reply with a smile.

Seungmin sees the curiosity filling her eyes as Issa looks at you and then looks at him. She seems to have figured it out as her lips curl into a sly smile.

"Lana called," Issa informs.

"Oh, okay, we're coming," you tell her.

After Issa left, you start fixing your hair and dress even though the two of you only kissed once, nothing else. You repeatedly tuck your hair behind your ear.

"Do I look alright?" You ask him, smacking your lips together to gain what's left on your lipsticks.

He helps you put a strand of hair away from your lips, "You look perfect," he answers.

You crack a smile and do it once more with your eyes closed, it's adorable to him.

Seungmin gets up first then he holds his hand out at you because he knows you can't freely move in such a tight dress.

-

SEUNGMIN: I didn't plan on breaking the rule this fast but she's just irresistible and the moment was right.

-

Never in his life, had Seungmin thought that he would sit and hear a cone talking. Well, there's a first to everything.

What he doesn't get is how nervous everyone is. He knows that Lana is going to announce the rule breaks and anyone who broke the rules should be aware of the consequences.

Seungmin knows what he did, therefore, he's ready to face what's coming to him.

He gets a little startled when the cone chimes as it sits in the middle of the long, wooden table.

"Good evening!" Lana greets.

Tom reclines on the single sofa and asks, "What's good, Lana?"

"I must regretfully inform you of a breach of the rules," she informs.

Seungmin knows better that it's better to immediately come forward. He doesn't wait for anyone to get suspicious of each other and clears his throat.

"I'm just going to tell you guys right away—"

Adriana's gasp cuts him off, "Wait, what?"

Everyone is either not expecting that it's him or that he'd rule break when he's only been here for a day.

"With who?" Vale asks but his eyes already looking at the answer.

Seungmin turns his head at you, finding you sheepishly smiling and then he holds your hand, showing everyone who he kissed with.

"You..." Lili teasingly says, pointing her small index finger at you while everyone is cooing at you both.

"I initiated the kiss, the moment was right so..." Seungmin explains, ignoring how awkward it is to tell everyone why he kissed a girl.

Tom blinks his eyes a few times then says, "I didn't see this one coming."

"I wanted to do it and I... want to see where things go with her," Seungmin furtherly explains, not caring if anyone trusts him or not.

"This kiss has cost the group $6,000," Lana announces.

Okay, now Seungmin gets it why everyone is so nervous? It's not so much about the rule break, it's losing the money.

-

SEUNGMIN: Well, at the end of the day, what's done is done [shrugs]

-

It's endearing how Seungmin admitted everything and the way he openly tells everyone that he wants to take things further with you, oh! you get butterflies in your stomach.

That $6,000 deduction hurts less when you did it with the right person and it's worth it, you know you can trust Seungmin enough to see where things take you.

You lean into his side and lowly mutter into his ear, "That's so nice of you."

Seungmin looks at you to return your compliment with a soft smile that makes him look a thousand times cuter and these butterflies won't stop flying in your stomach any sooner.

"There's another breach of the rules," Lana announces.

You feel less nervous now the rule break thing has gone out of the way but hearing someone else did a rule break, you start to be concerned about the money.

"Oh, no!" Lili gasps.

A kiss or two is excusable because sometimes, a little physical affection is necessary in getting to know someone but other than that, you're not sure you can tolerate it.

"It's either you or you guys," Lili points at Issa and Jeff and Devon and Elliott.

"Or them," Jeff adds, pointing at Adriana and Tom.

Adriana subtly rolls her eyes, "I can promise you, we're innocent," she assures.

It's safe to assume that it's the couple who has spent the most money on the retreat so far. You lean forward and look at them with eyes full of suspicion, "Do you have something to say, Elliott?"

"No," Elliott immediately answers with a slow head shake.

While Devon is busy fixing her hair even though it's safely tucked into a neat bun on the back of her head. If Devon acting antsy is not enough answer, it's the awkward silence that gives it away.

"Uh-oh!" Adriana mutters, spotting the culprit with her siren eyes.

She has another strategy to make them confess, "Do you want to explain, Devon?"

Devon tries to stay calm and suddenly, she bursts into laughter then says, "I'm sorry."

Everyone reacts almost the same way, groaning in disbelief and also disappointed that they keep being selfish by rulebreaking.

Tom aggressively rakes his hair to the back and groans, "God, bro? Why did you keep lying to us?"

"We didn't lie. We choose to say nothing," he defends himself.

"Well, that's a lie," Vale corrects him.

It's kind of ballsy of Elliott to keep defending his wrongdoings instead of simply admitting it and apologizing. He makes it hard for himself and only makes everyone else lose their respect for him.

Devon tries to take control of the situation, "Okay, guys, let me explain, the first kiss we did in the bedroom—"

"What? You kissed more than once?" Issa asks with eyes widening.

"Oh, my..." Lili mutters in despair.

"Are you serious?" Tom is almost losing his shit knowing that he'll lose more money tonight.

Devon only realizes what she did a while later and quietly sighs, "Oh, shit..."

It seems like you're the only one with any patience left in you. You take a deep breath and try to assess the damage to prepare everyone.

"Did you guys do something else?"

Devon's subtle smile says so much and you believe you have just lost your patience as well. You lean back and just want to get it over with.

"Look, it-it..." Elliott is stuttering and ends up laughing.

Devon yanks the sleeve of his shirt, "Stop laughing," she scolds him.

"Take that grin off your face!" Adriana scolds him more.

Elliott pulls himself together and says, "I think there was a uh... heavy petting too."

No one is having it, if anything everyone has for them is a disappointment. The more everyone hears about it, the worse it gets so everyone sort of gives up talking altogether.

"These three rule breaks have cost the group an additional $16,000."

There's a dead silence hanging in the air after Lana announces the money deduction and what everyone is going to hear next will feel like a slap to the face.

"The prize fund now stands at $154,000."

Tom lets out a heavy, stressful sigh, "At the end of the day, we're just playing with money," he grumbles.

"Elliott and Devon, although you are displaying early signs of a deeper bond, you are spending too much energy concentrating on a physical connection rather than an emotional one," Lana says.

You're not the one who committed the act but you shake a little to hear Lana saying she's not pleased with what she witnessed.

"And as you have cost the group the most money, I am setting you an additional test."

Whatever coming to Devon and Elliott, It's not going to be a good one.

"You will spend the night in the suite," Lana announces.

-

YOU: Oh, hell no! We're going to be in debt, for real.

-

Okay, now, Seungmin gets why everyone was so nervous at the beginning, we just don't know what will happen and how it's going to turn out.

Another thing he learned is that he shouldn't be underestimating the cone, Lana is the one with power in here.

"This is your chance to show the group that your connection is more than just physical."

Lana warns Elliott and Devon, but mostly, Elliott since he's the one who's not only wrong but provoking everyone with his answers while at it.

Seungmin has been biting his tongue, he's only been here for a day so he's not sure if he can have a say on it but seeing that everyone seems to be at a loss for words, he feels the urge to say something.

"You did lie to everyone," Seungmin points out the main thing that angers everyone the most.

"This is your only chance to earn everyone's trust back," he tells him.

"Okay," Elliott accepts his words well.

"You may now leave to the private suite," Lana orders.

Everyone has no trust in them as they watch them leave to the private suite, letting them go with the thought that they'll fail the test.

Everyone is ready to leave the cabana and sleep this misery away when Lana starts talking again.

"That is not all."

"Oh, my days!" Vale gasps, sensing that it's not a good sign.

"Good judgment and in particular, knowing who can and can't be trusted is an essential skill for developing healthy long-lasting relationships."

Seungmin is in awe at how well Lana on keeping everyone on their toes, not letting everyone know what her next move is.

"That's why Elliott and Devon are not the only ones being tested tonight. If you do not trust them, you can choose to forfeit $10,000 which will cover all potential rule breaks in the suite."

Everyone is gasping to hear that Lana is asking everyone to involuntarily gamble with the prize money.

"However, if you choose to put your faith in them and they fail, you will be charged for every single rule break. With fines now doubled, that could be a very expensive lapse of judgment."

Seungmin turns his head to the side to see your mouth is hanging open. He reckons you're slightly shocked by everything you hear.

"So, will you have faith or will you forfeit?" Lana asks the big question.

Then Seungmin looks the other way, looking at Tom who's getting more stressed in each passing second.

"How much do we trust them?" Adriana opens the debatable question.

"I don't have trust in them. Nothing, none," Tom immediately answers like he's one hundred percent sure he's right.

You scoot to the edge of your seat to speak up, "Elliott is a rebel. He's most likely to break a rule and I think they're going to do something in there," you give your opinion.

Now that puts you in the same team with Tom which he gladly welcomes with a strong argument.

"They're going to be alone in the suite," he adds.

Adriana puts it simply for everyone, "Should we take a risk or should we play it safe?"

Everyone starts speaking up as well, giving their insights on this whole trust thing and Seungmin is intently listening to each opinion to take into consideration.

"If they're serious about the relationship, they won't do anything," Issa says.

Jeff agrees with her, "I back them."

"They have something to prove and it'll look bad for us not trusting them, actually," Vale gives his opinion.

You're nodding to his words and that seems to change your mind as well, Seungmin only recently learned that the person you’re closest with is him, Vale.

"He made a promise that he wasn't going to do anything," Blake says.

"He said the same thing last time," Adriana breaks his conviction.

"I got no faith," Tom remarks, period on point.

"Vale, I agree with you but if they disappoint us, I will not trust them again," you make a firm statement.

Against the doubts that slip through everyone's mind, everyone has voted to trust them, except that Tom is doing it unwillingly.

"I have noted your decision to put your faith in Elliott and Devon," Lana accepted the decision.

-

SEUNGMIN: Everyone puts their neck out for them so I hope Elliott keeps his promise.

-

Thankfully, Lili is very understanding when you tell her that you're sharing the bed with Seungmin and she has to sleep with someone else, you entrusted her to Vale.

A part of you wants to test yourself on how well can you handle temptations but another part of you tells you that you'd most likely fail because Seungmin is low-key too hot to handle.

Seungmin comes to the bed with his hair tousled and somehow, it only makes him more attractive. He gets on the bed, putting a pillow behind him before resting his back against it.

"Did you just dry your hair?" You ask.

He gives it a ruffle, "Yeah, is it messy?"

You softly laugh and help him, brushing his hair with your fingers to make it less messy.

"Your hair is so fluffy," you compliment.

He looks at you as you use both of your hands to brush the hair on each side of his head, "You like it?"

"Mm-hm," you answer with a smile.

"I missed a month of haircut," he informs, putting away the hair out of his eyes.

Your hand goes through the hair on the back of his head and let your hand rest on the nape of his neck for a moment.

"You look like a puppy," you playfully tell him.

Seungmin smiles in reaction and it only proves your words, he has that golden retriever energy, bright and playful. To put it simply, it's impossible to not like him.

There's a conversation going on in the room about whether Devon and Elliott will pass the test or everyone is going to lose more money tomorrow morning. You're listening but your eyes are focusing on the space on the bed between you and him, you hesitate to just scoot closer to him, he seems like the type of person who respects someone's personal space.

It's only when the lights are out that you lie on your side facing him and then ask, "Do you like to cuddle?"

Seungmin turns to lay on his side to face you, "Not really," he answers.

So your guess is right, he's not a cuddly person and you shouldn't be disappointed, it's just a preference, it's nothing personal.

"Are you?" Seungmin asks back.

You tuck a hand under your head and focus on looking at his gleaming eyes in the dark of the room, "Well, I would love a cuddle or two from you," you honestly answer.

He catches your hand lying on the space between the two of you, "I can do a cuddle or two," he says.

"How about more than two?" You jokingly ask.

Even in the dark, you can see his cute smile as he slips his fingers into the spaces between your fingers, "I can do that too," he murmurs.

You hold his hand back and smile, "Okay, great."

You and Seungmin are lying facing each other with hands intertwined, enjoying the quiet that slowly takes over the space as everyone else starts to drift into sleep.

However, you can no longer fight the drowsiness, "I'm sleepy," you sheepishly tell him.

He brings your hand close to his mouth and places a soft kiss on your knuckle, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," you murmur back with a smile.

You close your eyes feeling incredibly relaxed as Seungmin places gentle rubs on your back until you fall asleep.

-

YOU: Oh, my God! I think I like Seungmin. Seungmin, the baseball player.

-

The room is dark but he can see through the curtain that the sun has risen, Seungmin wakes up earlier than anyone else, including you.

Seeing that your hair covering your face, Seungmin gently put the stray hair away to the side and to the back. You look so beautiful peacefully sleeping on your pillow that he's afraid that he'll wake you up.

Seungmin then rests his hand on the dip of your waist, following the rise and fall of your body as you breathe. He gets closer so he can hold you, gently putting his arm around you without waking you up.

He feels snug, he feels like he can go back to sleep but as he's about to close his eyes, the room lights up.

Everyone is groaning as light floods the room and blinds their eyes which are still heavy with sleep.

"Morning everyone," Adriana croaks as she pulls herself out of the duvet.

Turning his head to the side and seeing you still sleeping, Seungmin can't find it in him to wake you up but he begins by softly rubbing your shoulder to not startle you awake. Then he moves his hand to your face, using his knuckle to caress your cheek and your eyes are fluttering open like butterflies batting their wings.

"Still sleepy?" He asks with his hand cupping your jaw.

You nod and instead of getting up, you snuggle to him and rest your head on his chest.

As everyone slowly gains their senses back and is ready to start another day in the retreat, Lana chimes in for her morning greeting.

"Good morning, everyone."

"Morning," you reply with a sleepy voice.

"After putting your prize fund on the line last night and deciding to trust repeat offenders, Devon and Elliott," Lana reminds everyone of the doom looming over everyone's heads since last night.

Everyone turns their heads to see Devon and Elliott's empty bed and is hit by the realization of their grim, uncertain fate.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

Lili sighs and says, "Nervous."

"Scared," Issa honestly answers.

"And on edge," Jeff adds.

Cara the new girl who has been quiet since last night, finally gives her opinion, "I don't think they'd be stupid enough to put themselves in a situation where they would spend money more than they have lost."

However, Adriana is the only one not accepting her opinion well, "I disagree. Their track record is so shit."

Tom who is adamant about protecting the money supports her argument, "$10,000 would have been a lot safer in my opinion." 

What they said seems to sway everyone's faith in Devon and Elliott. Seungmin can see that everyone starts to doubt their decision to trust them and put so much money on the line.

Whether they lose money or not, this is not how Seungmin wants to start the day.

-

SEUNGMIN: We put our trust in them... well, some of us. Let's hope they prove themselves to be worthy of our trust.

-

As a baseball player, Seungmin has a rigorous workout routine and he usually starts the day with a morning run. Since it's impossible to do here, he decides to do some simple exercises in the makeshift gym by the beach.

Before he gets back to the villa, he goes for a swim in the sea and walks back with water dripping from his swimming trunks.

In the bathroom, he finds Blake standing by the sink, his big body almost covers the whole mirror. Hearing that someone else entered the room, he looks over his shoulder.

"Hey, man," he greets him with dollops of sunscreen on both of his cheeks.

Seungmin hangs his towel at the handle of the shower door, "Hey," he replies.

He goes to the sink to retrieve his toiletry bag from the drawer.

"I see that you picked a bird, huh?" Blake says.

Seungmin has to take a moment to process his words and what he meant by a bird is a girl, he got himself a girl, you.

"Yeah..." Seungmin awkwardly replies, he heads to the shower thinking that Blake is done talking.

"You got a wild one, bro," Blake is applying the sunscreen all over his face as he speaks.

"What are you trying to say?" Seungmin asks and wonders if he's taunting him or trying to make a joke here.

Blake lets out a chuckle as he washes his hands under the running water, "She broke a rule with Elliott once."

Is that supposed to make him mad? Well, if it happened recently then it would be a problem but he obviously came here after that happened so Seungmin has no idea what he has to do with that information.

He decides to ignore him and goes into the shower, not wanting to continue the talk that shouldn't be his business in the first place.

Also, it shouldn't be Blake's either.

-

SEUNGMIN: I don't know what Blake's intention is but this is something that I don't want to hear from someone else.

-

All you need is a few sprays of hairspray to keep the hairstyle intact for the next few hours, you carefully apply it to your hair with your eyes closed.

When you open your eyes, you catch Seungmin's reflection in the mirror. Half-naked with his hair wet, Seungmin is walking to his closet that is located right behind your chair. You turn around on your chair and use the opportunity to ogle him, admiring his lean body with muscles in the right places and they're just in perfect sizes.

Imagine looking that hot yet so unaware of it.

"Hey, baby," you sweetly say, holding your hand out at him.

Instead of taking your hand, he reaches for your chin and gives your cheek a quick caress.

You smile in reaction and ask, "How do I look?"

"Perfect," he shortly says.

You take his hand and hold it as he looks for something inside his closet, "Let me dry your hair for you," you offer.

"Okay. Give me a minute," he gladly accepts the offer by letting go of your hand so he can put his shirt on.

Unlike most women, you like treating your partner with simple things like this.

Seungmin is sitting still as you work on his hair, drying it with a hairdryer. You don't have to put a lot of effort into it since he has short hair, finish it by applying a hair oil with your fingers slipping through his fine, dark hair.

He does the rest, brushing his hair with a comb and styling it how he wants it to be.

You rest your hands on his square shoulders and ask, "Did I do a good job?"

He fixes the hair falling over his head, "Not bad," he responds.

You bravely cup his chin while looking at his face through the elliptical-shaped mirror, "You're so gorgeous," you compliment.

He takes your hands and brings it close to his mouth. When you think he's going to kiss it like last night, he bites at your fingers instead.

"Ouch!" You yelp in pain.

He laughs in satisfaction and hurriedly makes up for it by placing a kiss on your inner wrist. He then drops his head to the back to look at you, seeing you eye-to-eye.

"Thank you," he sweetly murmurs.

You gently tap his cheek, "You're very welcome."

You like attractive men but you like it more when they act like true gentlemen and a true gentleman is rare. But it seems like you're lucky to have found one.

The only way Lana knows how to have fun is by interrupting a sweet moment like this. You both stop moving and talking altogether to hear what the cone has to say.

"Please assemble everyone in the cabana," Lana orders.

"Got it, boss," you reply, reluctantly letting your hands go from around Seungmin's neck.

It's not hard to gather everyone as most of them are chilling by the pool, you can tell them about Lana's order on the way to the cabana.

The stress from last night continues once everyone realizes that Elliott and Devon will be returning from the private suite soon.

Speak of the devil, here they come, looking so happy like they're coming back from a honeymoon instead of a test. They take the small sofa on the side of the room while ignoring the death stares directed at them.

Jeff is the first one breaking the silence, "Anything you want to share?"

Here comes Elliott's grin and it's not a good sign, "It was very enjoyable," he answers.

Devon is smiling next to him and letting him do all the talk.

"There are roses on the bed, champagne, bathtub," Elliott continues, giving everyone the wrong ideas.

Next to Seungmin, Vale lowly sighs and mutters through his gritted teeth, "They're fucking breaking rules."

-

YOU: We're fucked if they fucked!

-

Lana finally comes in and goes straight to business, "Devon and Elliott, last night I gave you the opportunity to show the group your genuine connection without surrendering to your physical desires. However, your connection wasn't the only thing I was testing."

Elliott's grin wavers for a second at the revelation that Lana did something behind their backs.

"While you were away I gave your fellow guests a test of trust in you. If they didn't trust you, they could forfeit $10,000 to cover all your potential rule breaks in the suite."

Now it's Devon's smile that gradually fades from her face and into a panic expression.

"Or they could choose to have faith in you, meaning that any rule breaks would receive the appropriate financial penalties."

Devon and Elliott exchange a look and turn rigid on their seats, it's enough to tell everyone that they did something.

"I can now reveal the group chose to trust you," Lana informs.

Tom hurriedly comments on it, "Not me. I don't have a lot of faith in you guys," he audaciously tells them.

Elliott sadly smiles, "I understand," he says.

You hear Lili sighing next to you and when you look at her, she leans in and whispers, "Seriously though, they're not looking hopeful."

One thing you know for sure is that Tom is ready to give a long I-told-you-so speech right at everyone's faces.

"Devon and Elliot I must now tell the group that you..."

For an AI, Lana knows how to build the suspense.

"...did not break any rules!"

You feel like you can finally breathe at ease while everyone else is cheering and applauding Devon and Elliott for proving that everyone was right to trust them.

"Even though you were very close to breaking the rules last night, I can confirm the prize fund still stands at $154,000."

Your head is turned to see Tom and Adriana who have the least faith in them and they're smiling, you can see a bit of regret on their faces for being too negative about the decision to trust them.

-

YOU: So they do know how to keep it in their pants, huh?

-

Despite the most spending couple in retreat has succeeded in passing Lana's test, that doesn't stop Tom from keeping everyone on his watch to make sure the money stays at $154,000.

You and Seungmin are having wine in the firepit, sitting close next to each other with your legs over his lap and enjoying the warmth of the fire swaying with the night breeze.

Seeing him up close is almost surreal because of how handsome he is, you trail down his jaw with your finger and gently tap his chin after.

"You have a very sharp jaw," you emphasize every word in awe.

Seungmin takes a sip of his drink before speaking, "Don't cut yourself then," he says with a sly smile.

You playfully slap his chest in reaction and burst into laughter almost at the same time.

You fix your hair and look at him, "It's your turn to compliment me," you demand.

He puts his drink away and licks his lips, "I didn't know that I have to compliment you back."

You dramatically roll your eyes, "Just say something nice about me, please?"

He laughs and puts his arm around you, drawing you closer to him as he thinks of something to say. He looks at you, trying to find something he can compliment on but you end up being drowned in his eyes.

"Your eyes, nose, lips..." he starts.

You stare back into his eyes, "Yeah?"

"They're parked perfectly," he finishes his words.

Once what he said registered in your head, you burst into laughter, "Parked?"

He nods while foolishly grinning, proud at his creative way of saying you're beautiful, "You got 100 points for parking them perfectly," he compliments again.

Flustered and amused, you put your arms around his neck and hug him, sharing laughter until the sex cop comes crashing.

"Hey, hey, hey!" 

You both abruptly stop laughing and turn your head to look at Tom, standing at the top of the steps that lead down to the firepit.

"Are we being safe?" He asks you both, looking at you like a parent seeing his child having her boyfriend over.

And you act like you've been caught doing things with your boyfriend, reluctantly taking your hands away from Seungmin.

"Yes, Dad!" You jokingly respond.

Tom nods in approval and turns to leave, before he walks away, he turns around to say, "Keep your hands to yourself, 'kay?"

"Got it, Dad!" You shout at him.

You may have taken your hands off of Seungmin but you use it as a chance to change position, you make him sit on the end of the long sofa and you sit between his legs with your back resting against his chest so he can take his turns to put his hands around you.

The night is warm, the wind is softly blowing and the sky is full of stars.

Maybe it's because you haven't been with a man for a while or it's because of him, either way, you feel incredibly at ease. 

You softly rub his forearm and delightfully sigh with your eyes closed, "This is nice."

Seungmin places his hand on yours and slips his fingers in, "I heard that you have broken the rules before," he says.

That comes out of the blue and you don't expect him to address this matter since it happened way before he came to the villa.

Yet you find yourself stammering in answer, "Y-yeah, I did."

"Oh," Seungmin simply responds.

That 'oh' sounds harmless but you start overanalyzing it, mostly because you don't want Seungmin to get the wrong idea, thinking that you're trying to hide it from him.

"Okay, now I feel bad for not telling you," you sadly mutter.

"It's okay. You don't need to tell me," he assures you.

Regardless of how he obtained this information, he deserves to know why you did it and whether you still have involvement whatsoever with the person you committed the rule break with.

"I didn't feel like I needed to tell you about it because the kiss that I did with Elliot... I was bored, I did it for fun," you explain.

You hold his hand back and tip your head to the side so you can look at him as you speak, "But the kiss that I did with you is not, it was personal."

You take a deep breath before ending it with a sincere apology, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Seungmin has been so quiet for a moment that you doubt he's accepting it well. You squeeze his hand to gain a reaction from him and ask, "How do you feel though?"

He inhales air and leans in to look at you, "I don't like to play games or in competition with someone else," he begins.

You don't want to overthink but you fear that he'll change his mind because of how you keep things to yourself.

"I know my worth I respect myself. I feel that if someone else can't see that, then that's on them but I don't hang around for that," he remarks.

You always know that Seungmin is very forthright, he says what's in his head, knows what he wants, and goes for it. Ultimately, he doesn't waste time on someone who doesn't acknowledge his worth and you fear that you're that someone.

You need to assure him that you do know his worth and you want to keep building connections with him. You mull things over in your head and try to fathom them into words.

"I do want to get to know you. I feel drawn to you and it's genuine and honestly, I feel more connected with you than I did with anyone else," you tell him how you feel as best as you can.

Seungmin repeatedly rubs his hand up and down your arm to keep you warm and comfort you. He then rests his hand on top of your clasped hands, "I just want to move forward and be open, there's so much more of you that I want to get to know," he says.

It's rare to find someone who's as wise and as gentle as he is. You really are lucky to have found and met him, and lucky that he chose you too. You want to get to know him more as well and risk falling deeper into him. As if you mind.

"Me too," you tell him with a grateful smile.

You bury your head in the crook of his neck and let out a breath of relief, trying to suppress the urge to kiss him.

"I want to kiss you but we can't," you mutter.

"Actually, we can," he corrects you.

You softly chuckle and raise your eyebrow at him, "We can but we can't."

-

YOU: I'm so grateful for Seungmin and I feel more confident about taking this further with him.

-

It takes time for Seungmin to get comfortable around someone.

He likes you, yes but he likes being in his personal space so much it's hard to let someone in. It's nothing personal, it's just who he is.

However, he looks forward to bedtimes the most because then you'd be lying close next to him.

A smile rises on your face as you get on the bed, crawl over to him and adorably ask, "Can we have a cuddle or two?"

He notices the anticipation on your face but what he likes seeing are the sparkles in your eyes as you wait for his answer.

Seungmin doesn't say anything but spreads his arms out, letting you dive into his warm embrace.

"Guys, guys," Tom claps his hands to get everyone's attention.

You keep your head rested on his chest while Seungmin pays attention to what Tom is about to say.

"I think we're all in agreement that we will not rule break and I just want to know if that stays true right?" He asks.

He can't speak for everyone but Seungmin can't remember when he did agree to this. However, everyone is half-heartedly replying to Tom.

"I love you guys but be good," he concludes.

Seungmin has a good restraint, but when he gets told to not do something, he wants to do it more. Plus, you're snuggling up to him and your body starts to mold to him, he would be lying if he didn't get the urge to kiss or touch you or do more than that.

When he looks down and sees your face this close, your eyes closed and your lower lip is jutting out, oh... he wants to kiss you bad.

Even after the lights are out, Tom looks at everyone in the room to say one last thing, "I'll be watching," he says.

After a few minutes though, he fails his task as he falls asleep next to Adriana. It would be hard to fall asleep with Tom's snores filling the room yet cuddling you makes him relaxed that his eyes are drooping.

As he slowly descends into slumber, you shift on the bed and plant a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Goodnight, baby," you murmur, then you turn over and lay on your side of the bed with your back facing him.

Now Seungmin finds it hard to sleep without your warm body lying close to him so he closes the gap between your bodies and puts his arm around you.

A while later, you let your body mold into him once more and hold the hand resting on your waist. Without looking, he can hear you smiling as he holds you close.

Seungmin lands a caress on your head and kisses your temple, now he can finally murmur back to you, "Goodnight."

-

SEUNGMIN: The talk that we had reassures me that I was right to choose her.

-

A few days have passed and you enjoy getting to know Seungmin more.

He told you a lot about him that besides baseball, he likes music, he likes playing piano, he likes to write in his journal and he doesn't like watching movies without knowing the ending first.

Everything about him is one of a kind but that's what makes him special. The two of you got closer the more you shared things about each other.

And today, you'll get a lot more closer to him.

All of the guests are being gathered in the garden for a workshop and someone has been waiting there, you assume she's going to be leading the workshop.

You take the mat in the back with Seungmin and sit cross-legged as the instructor introduces herself as Haley, a sex expert.

Her profession surely intrigues everyone and whether it's going to help them suppress their sexual urges.

"First, I want to ask you guys what is your version of a perfect partner?" Haley opens the workshop with a question.

"Nice body?" Jeff answers.

"Okay," Haley says with a nod, accepting Jeff's answer.

"Anyone else?" She invites everyone to share their answers.

"I like girls with skinny model bodies," Vale honestly shares.

"I don't want to be with someone who doesn't look as good," Cara gives a way too honest answer.

Everyone is laughing except Blake who is her partner for today's workshop. Hearing everyone's answers, you can see how people can be so shallow with what they want, they only see the surface, the superficial and that's including you.

Haley moves on to explain what the workshop will be about, "In today's workshop, we're going to release any perfectionism. We're just going to let ourselves get a bit... messy."

She pauses hearing everyone get excited for it, "Are you guys into that?"

You turn your head to the side at Seungmin, wanting to check whether he's as excited as anyone else.

The answer is no, he's not that excited.

"You guys can start!" Haley announces.

There are bowls of body paints prepared for the workshop and the two of you can paint each other's bodies with it. You get up and stand facing each other, then suddenly, have no idea how to start.

"I don't like getting messy," Seungmin says.

As expected, body painting is not something that Seungmin would do to have fun. You pick up a bowl of pink paint and dip your finger into the thick, pigmented texture of the paint.

"Well then I'll be the one having the most fun," you say as you rub the paint onto his nose.

And before he can complain, you smear the paint onto his cheek, laughing at how his face is covered in pink paint.

Eventually, Seungmin starts painting your body as well, he uses the green one while you use the yellow one, drawing a heart on his chest.

"See if you can just let go a bit. Let go of control, let go of inhibitions," Haley encourages everyone to stop being so careful and just be free.

You see everyone is only using their fingers to paint each other's bodies, not willing to get any other parts of their body to get dirty.

"Stop thinking! Stop worrying about what you look like. Let yourself just go free, get wild!" Haley encourages more.

It gives you an idea, instead of dipping your fingers into the bowl of paint, you pour it onto Seungmin's shoulder and lather it all over him.

"What are you doing?" Seungmin asks.

"I'm having fun," you simply answer.

You want Seungmin to not be afraid of getting wild or making a fool of himself, you want to have fun with him so first, you have to show him how.

"And you should too," you add, taking his hand and dipping his whole hand into the bowl.

Then you turn around, presenting your butt cheeks at him, and shamelessly request, "Make a handprint on my buttcheeks."

Seungmin stands rigidly with his hand tainted blue, "What?"

"Slap my butt!" You make it simpler for him.

It takes him a while to understand your request and once he did, he lands a good slap on your left buttcheek, creating a print of his big hand on it.

Haley notices what the two of you are doing and likes what she's seeing, "Love it! More of that!" 

That seems to motivate Seungmin to make another handprint on your other buttcheek, he lands a harder slap which makes it even better.

Soon, everyone starts to loosen up, playing with both the paints and bodies, investing in the workshop, or merely using it as an excuse to feel each other's bodies.

"Catch them off guard!" Haley says as she supervises everyone.

After picking up a bowl of paint, you turn around to get greeted by a dollop of orange paint Seungmin throws at you. You scoop some green and get back at him, splashing it all over his back.

The next thing you know, you both are having fun, and as a matter of fact, the two of you are the only ones having the most fun out of everyone.

"You're not drawing penises on my back, right?" Seungmin jokingly asks as you draw more stars on his back.

"Nope," you reply, "Just some boobies."

You're running out of paints and to make it all worth it, you scoop the last of the red paint, then rub it all over your chest.

"Baby, look over here!" You tell him.

Seungmin obeys you, looking at you with his face covered in pink, green, and yellow.

Catching him off guard, you bring his head close and bury it between your breasts, lathering the red paint all over his face.

Instead of complaining, Seungmin pulls away laughing with fresh red paint on his face and you laugh along, seeing how much he enjoys it.

"Notice if you feel embarrassed to just see each other, now that you've stopped worrying what you look like," Haley remarks.

Seungmin wipes the remaining paint onto his stomach and pulls you into a hug, you can feel the paint getting all over your front too.

You both just stand there and have a laugh looking at each other looking silly in colorful paints, you see your mess on him and he sees his mess on you yet you both still look perfect to each other.

"You guys did amazing in today's workshop. I hope that you let go, you got a bit more free, you find some joy, laughter in being imperfect," Haley concludes at the end of the workshop.

Now that the workshop has ended, all you can think about is how Seungmin's hands were all over you.

-

YOU: We had so much fun. I don't think I'd be having that much fun if I did it with someone else [smiles]

- 

Unfortunately, the fun doesn't last long.

You were straightening your hair when the cone in the dressing room chimes, you abruptly stop moving and so is everyone else, it's like the world pauses for a second to hear what Lana has to say.

"Everyone," Lana says.

No greeting whatsoever, she's addressing everyone in the room and you sense that she's not pleased with something.

"Hi, Lana!" Lili weakly replies as she's busy braiding her hair.

"You must all gather in the cabana immediately!"

Uh-oh! Lana is pissed but why? Everyone's been good.

Or that's just how they seemed to you, you never know with these people, especially Devon and Elliott. Lana never urges everyone like this before so it's safe to assume that someone messed up.

"What the fuck is going to happen?" Tom mutters, looking so stressed already.

All the eyes in the room are suspiciously glancing at each other as you get too anxious to even bother straightening the rest of your hair.

Even though you and Seungmin struggling to keep your hands off of each other, you managed to not break any rules. But still... in here you'll get penalized for something you didn't even do.

"Good evening," Lana greets.

"What's good, Lana?" Tom asks with a thin smile.

You can only hope that Lana is playing with our minds and actually gathered everyone to deliver good news, for instance, she feels generous tonight and drops $10,000 into the prize fund. Oh well, that's just your wishful thinking.

"I must regretfully inform you that there has been a breach of the rules."

And here we go again, everyone is once again playing the game of "whodunit" that sadly costs money.

Adriana looks around, "Who is it?"

"Who did it?" Issa says with a threatening voice.

You can only hope that this is not the time you find out that one is stupid enough to commit serious rule breaks.

"Elliott?" Tom asks him since he's grinning like a guilty man.

Elliott shrugs his accusation away and coyly says, "Nah.

He may be putting on a good poker face but Devon? Not so much. She keeps hiding her face behind Elliott's shoulder and avoiding suspicious eyes.

"You're awfully quiet right now, Devon," Vale says with suspicion.

"Did you break another rule?" Lili asks with a soft tone like an understanding mother.

Ever slowly, Elliott's grin is getting wider and wider, exposing the truth he's hiding behind it.

"Ugh! No!" Tom groans, raking his hair with his fingers.

"I can't believe you guys kissed again!" Adriana says, her voice tinted with jealousy as they extravagantly spend money when she can't even get her man to do a single rule break.

Judging from their silence, you sense that it's not just a kiss, "or it wasn't just a kiss...?"

Your question only heightens the tension and everyone's heads are turning in at Devon and Elliott as they occupying the single sofa on the other end of the room.

"Spit it out!" Tom impatiently demands.

Devon only keeps on sighing while Elliott is looking like he has his life flashes before his eyes.

"Just tell us what you did!" Adriana urges them.

Elliott is foolishly grinning his stress away and finally answers, "Coitus."

"What the hell is coitus?" Lili innocently asks.

"Sex," Issa shortly replies.

"Oh, fuck!" The profanity automatically falls out of Lili's mouth.

It's unfair that you were having a good day until two people decided to make your worst fear come true. A kiss is already $6,000 and you don't want to guess how much for sex.

-

YOU: I mean… Seungmin and I have been resisting temptations.

-

"I must inform you that sex was not the only thing that took place in the bathroom," Lana continues.

You nervously bite at your thumb, thinking how stupid can they be to break so many rules all at once. Have they always been thinking about themselves?

"That's so stupid!" Adriana doesn't hold back.

Elliott lets out a dry chuckle, "It's not that bad," he calmly says.

From his answer, you can see how stupid he is. What makes him think that answer would make everyone feel better?

"No, Elliott, you're being stupid and selfish," Vale points out, stealing the words out of your mouth.

"Are you aware that what you did got the whole team penalized?" Adriana scolds them more, putting some sense into their heads.

Tom holds Adriana down by putting his hands on her hands. It's the first time he is being the reasonable one out of him and Adriana.

"Let's just hear how much money we've lost," he says.

Lana continues with the announcement, delivering bad news one after the other.

"Elliott and Devon, the fact that the fines were recently doubled does not seem to have deterred you from breaking the rules of the retreat. Today's multiple indiscretions have cost the group..."

You know you wouldn't like what you're going to hear but to soften the blow, you prepare yourself by taking a few deep breaths.

"... $50,000."

Your jaws drop open but nothing comes out of your mouth, you're just at a loss for words. $50,000? You could have paid months' worth of bills and rent with that much money.

"What the hell?"

"That's so expensive!"

Tom is in utter shock that it takes him a few minutes to respond to it, "That's crazy!"

Elliott comes with another ignorant-sounding response, "Our bad. Alright, okay."

Tom claps his hands together and leans forward on his seat, "Do you guys even have respect for us?"

Elliott starts to blabbering around as Devon only sits next to him, saying nothing.

"It's just th-that we have feelings for each other and—"

Adriana cuts right through his words, "So you guys are going to keep doing it?"

"No, no," Elliott hurriedly denies, "That's it."

Everyone is turning on them no matter how hard Elliott is defending himself, he should know by now that he's in the wrong.

"You guys are right. I'm very sorry," he concludes with a regretful tone.

"The prize fund now stands at $104,000," Lana updates the current amount of money in the pot.

Everyone is too tired to even react to five sacks of money lost in one day. At this rate, everyone is going to be in debt.

"May I remind you that you are here to form deeper emotional connections," Lana ends, letting everyone go with a warning.

-

YOU: I'm upset about Devon and Elliott's rule break but now I'm just thinking maybe... it's my turn now [smirks]

-

It's exceptionally quiet in the room tonight.

Everyone is upset about losing half of the prize money when the retreat is nowhere close to finished. At this point, everyone will come home with nothing.

And everyone is simply too tired to even deal with things.

"Goodnight, beautiful people!" Issa sweetly says into the dark room.

A few are replying to her and not long after that, the room turns quiet again.

Seungmin is getting used to cuddling you, your head is nestled in the crook of his neck and his arm is around you. This is what he needs after an eventful day, a relaxing time with you and just enjoying each other's warmth.

He knows you're still awake from the way your thumb softly rubs his jaw, he turns his head to the side to plant a kiss on the top of your head.

 "You're not tired?" He asks, keeping his voice low to not disturb everyone else in the room.

You take a low breath and answer, "I don't want to sleep."

Seungmin senses that you're up to no good but he's going to have some fun trying to resist you.

"What do you want to do then?"

"Mmh..." you hum and tip your head upward to look at him.

You hold his jaw to make him look back at you, "We can do more than a cuddle or two tonight," you answer with a smile.

His guess is right and he grins at you, suddenly feeling conflicted that a part of him wants to kiss you but another part of him doesn't want to anger everyone.

"No?" You ask.

"No," he answers.

"So... is that a yes?" You ask again with your thumb now swiping his lips.

Seungmin lets out a low chuckle and just can't find it in him to resist you, you're so alluring, so relentless, and just undeniably beautiful.

"We can do more than a cuddle or two, yeah," he caves in to the temptation.

Seungmin takes his arm away just so he can hover above you but before he can lean in, you stop him. You look around to make sure the coast is clear, checking Tom's bed to see if he's sleeping soundly before pulling the duvet to cover both of you.

Even in the dark, Seungmin knows where your lips are because he's drawn to them and when they touched, he feels like something has sets his body alight. He feels warm all over, he feels the flutter in his stomach and the softness of your lips that are in contrast to how hard you return his kiss.

It's only fair that Seungmin reciprocate that energy, he uses his tongue to pry open your mouth and kisses you deeper, harder, and at the same time, trying to keep the smooching sound at the minimum.

Your hands are around him and keep pulling him closer until he collapses on top of you, he has to plant his elbow against the mattress to not put his whole weight on you.

Seungmin doesn't know how much time has passed because, to him, it feels like time stops when he kisses you.

As much as he would love to continue, he decides to end it with a long peck on your lips and pulls open the duvet covering both of you.

With your hands still around his neck, you easily bring his head close to plant a soft kiss on his cheek and smile when you pull away.

"Goodnight," you quietly mutter.

He gives your cheek a gentle caress before placing a kiss on it, then murmurs back, "Goodnight."

The two of you return to your sides of the beds with your backs against each other like nothing just happened.

-

SEUNGMIN: She is making it hard for me right now but I know that people will be mad about it so I didn't go all the way.

-

The morning starts with a heartfelt apology from Elliott.

If only the apology brings back the $50,000 they have lost, they would have easily accepted it but well, the damage has been done, there's just no undoing it.

"I'm not the type to dwell on the past but I don't forget and forgive either," Tom says, showing where his stance is on this matter.

Devon brushes her brown hair to the back and draws a breath before talking, "We do not plan to spend any more money. You can believe that or not, but I'll show you," she says with a determination.

"You are repeat offenders!" Tom states a fact that everyone can vouch for it.

"Fair enough," Elliott meekly responds.

Everyone turns quiet as they watch the talk between Tom and Elliott on the sideline, including him and you. You link your arm around his and rest your head on his shoulder.

Tom looks around as he asks the same question every other morning, "Did anyone break the rules last night?"

Not going to lie, Seungmin's heart drops a little but he knows how to put on a poker face. He remains calm, holding your hand if not rubbing the sleep of his eyes.

Another moment passes and no one answers Tom except for the silence that hangs in the room. Admitting it won't do him good, he knows Tom is going to be fuming.

"Let's start the day, shall we?" Issa says, breaking the silence in the room.

Seungmin must admit that you put on a good poker face too, no one is suspecting anything and he hopes it stays like that.

But on the other hand, the rule break last night only makes him want to break more rules and you seem to have the same thing in mind.

"What are we doing today?" You ask, your hand making its way across the sink to grab at his hips.

Seungmin is too busy brushing his teeth to answer you, he wants to do a lot of things with you but most of them are against the rules. He takes your hand and pulls you close to his side which you gladly do, clinging to his side.

You both agreed on swimming in the pool instead of working out, and going to the dressing room to change into swimwear.

Seungmin is already waiting in his swimming trunk and drinking out of his water tumbler when you come out of the changing room without your bikini top.

You're slyly grinning and stand by the full-length mirror to put the bikini top on while he watches in the back.

"Do you like what you see?" You playfully ask as you tie the straps on your back.

Seungmin manages to swallow his water alright even though you suddenly decided to flash him.

"The question is can I touch them?"

You laugh at that and come up to him, putting your hands around his neck, "You can touch them whenever you want."

He gives you a piggyback ride to the swimming pool and standing on the edge of the pool, "Are you ready?"

Before you can answer, he jumps into the pool with you still on his back, catching you off guard. You're gasping for air once you break through the water's surface.

Seungmin has a good laugh watching you fumbling to plant your feet on the bottom of the pool and he hurriedly helps putting your hair away from covering your face.

"You prick!" You say as you hit his chest.

He can't stop laughing, but he tries to console you by hugging you.

"Having a good laugh, huh?" You sneer, all pout and adorable.

"I did ask you if you were ready," he says just to annoy you more.

"Ha-ha," you dryly laugh in response, wiping the water from around your eyes.

"Okay, I'm sorry," He quickly apologizes, putting your hands around his neck and holding you close.

But he is having fun teasing you so while you're holding onto him, he lets himself fall into the water and brings you along with him, fooling you once again.

"Stop following me!" You jokingly say as he trails behind you as you both make your way back to the villa.

He puts his hands on your shoulders and you quickly shrug them off, "Don't touch me!"

That only makes him want to tease you more, he slips his arms under and around you, hugging you from the back.

"You're annoying. Go away!" You grumble, trying to get away but he won't let you.

Seungmin keeps laughing and tightening his hold around you, ignoring that the two of you are dripping wet and forming puddles of water on the floor of the dressing room.

He buries his head in your neck and kisses you there and you whine in complaint but you tip your head to the side, giving him the access to your neck.

"Stop it!" You tell him, half laughing but mostly enjoying his neck kisses.

He knows you can't resist him and that's why you keep letting him kiss your neck with his hands roaming around your wet body.

Then you drop your head on his shoulder, tantalizing him with your lips only inches away from him and you know what, he can worry about the money later.

Seungmin crashes his lips on yours, placing an intense kiss on your soft lips, and gives you a moment to return his kiss before taking it further.

You know what he wants and you give it to him, opening your mouth for him so he can kiss you deeper and harder.

While his lips are busy kissing yours, his hands freely wandering your body, he traces the sides of your body, then bravely cups your breasts in his hands.

A moan slips out of your mouth as he fondles your soft mounds, feeling the nipples hardening under your bikini top. The more he touches you, the more he loses himself in the kiss.

If it wasn't for the footsteps you both hearing coming to the dressing room, Seungmin wouldn't have stopped. He steps away to avoid suspicion, grabbing a towel to start drying himself.

You crane your neck to see who's coming from the hallway but it seems like whoever that is, they're heading for the bedroom, not here.

The moment your eyes meet, you both let out a laugh knowing that no one caught you rulebreaking.

-

SEUNGMIN: I need to do something because if we keep going down this path... I think we're going to keep breaking more rules.

-

The dress you're wearing has cute frills on the hem and you're swaying your body side to side in front of the mirror to see how it's going to look.

"It looks like one of those Barbie dresses," Adriana comments.

"I'm not wearing underwear under my dress," you shamelessly share.

"She's not wearing underwear under her skirt," Adriana points at Issa which she confirms with a nod.

"I hardly wear underwear," Devon innocently adds, holding a glass of juice in her hand.

You check one more time in the mirror and Vale happens to walk past you, you grab his elbow to stop him.

"How do I look?"

He ties his long hair into a small bun as he looks at you, "Stunning!"

"Thank you, babes," you mutter with a big smile, holding your hand up for a high five.

"And how do I look?" Vale asks, giving you a spin to show the whole look.

He's wearing blue jeans and a gray knitted sweater which doesn't fit the Caribbean sea weather but he looks good nonetheless.

"Divine!" You answer with a bright smile.

He puts his arm around your shoulder and looks at both of your reflections in the mirror as he says, "Perfect!"

After putting on a fresh coat of lip gloss, you're ready to step out of the villa and find Seungmin, he's the only one you want to show yourself off to.

You can easily spot him from his baseball jacket and his broad shoulders, he's talking to Jeff by the pool. Once you're close enough, you surprise him with a back hug.

Seungmin looks over his shoulder at you and smiles, sharing a moment with him until you realize that Jeff is still there.

"Nice shirt, Jeff," you compliment.

Jeff looks down at his striped shirt, "Thanks!"

Since Seungmin is still engaged in a conversation with him, you decide to let them continue and excuse yourself.

"I'm going to get a drink," you tell Seungmin.

It's when you're done with your first glass of drink and deep in the talk about skincare products with Lili and Adriana that Seungmin looks for you.

"Can I borrow her for a minute?" He asks the girls.

"Uh... No," Adriana jokes.

Nevertheless, he's offering his hand at you to help you get up from the sofa and take you to the firepit which has become you and Seungmin's favorite spot.

You carefully sit on the sofa with your hand keeping the hem of your dress down to not let it ride up your thighs and accidentally expose your private part to the camera.

"I love the jacket," you compliment, grabbing at the collar of it.

"I love the dress," he compliments back, touching the frilly hem, then rests his hand on your thigh.

His hair is brushed to the back, showcasing his beautiful face shape and strong jaws. Something about him that makes it seem like he's getting sexier and sexier each time you look at him.

And your mind is about to wander far off but thankfully, Seungmin grabs your hand and reels you back.

"I think we need to talk," he says.

Those words have such negative connotations and you get a little nervous, "Yeah?"

He puts his arm around you and his fingers are playing with the end of your hair, "We broke the rules twice already. I think it's just too much physical," he says.

Facing Lana's wrath is scary but there are far scarier things than that, for example, Seungmin has a change of heart. Thank God that's not the case so you let out a low sigh of relief.

"And I'm not just talking about people going to be mad at us. I think we should work on our emotional connection too," he seems to pick his words carefully, probably not wanting you to get the wrong idea.

You know exactly what he's talking about, there just too much physical stuff lately and you can't think of anything other than that.

But if you would rather do that than have to talk about emotions, feelings... it's just too scary for you.

"I'm just bad at talking about my feelings, that scares me so much," you honestly tell him.

Seungmin repeatedly nods as he takes your answer and pats your head, "Okay then, for now, let's put a brake on the physical stuff," he suggests.

Not sure if that's also what you want, you hate the idea but Seungmin is right, you should start to think of the group and stop acting selfishly.

The only thing that gets in the way is that it's not an easy thing to do.

"You know on the first few days in this retreat, I kind of forgot about sex," you share.

You pull the lapel of his jacket and slyly smile as you glance at him, "But now that I'm sharing a bed with a hot guy... all I'm thinking is just sex, sex, and sex," you openly admit, purposely dropping your voice lower and lower.

Seungmin is holding himself from smiling and you see that he profusely blushing from your words which makes him even cuter.

He clears his throat before speaking, "Surely, we can control our impulses, we can try—"

You cut him off as you stare into his eyes, "And when you're looking me in the eyes like that I just get so... fired up," you tell him.

He draws a sharp breath and throws his head back, failing to try to make you stop thinking about sexual stuff to only hear you talk more about sexual stuff.

You laugh as he looks so defeated and you hug him, feeling bad for him.

"We should stop spending the money, mmh!" He tries again.

"I'll try," you say while continuously laughing.

Hopeless, he buries his head and threatens you with tickling kisses, sending you into a laughing fit. Once you calmed down, you carefully dab the tears pooling in the corner of your eyes from laughing.

"If we can't kiss then I want cuddles," you demand.

Seungmin knows what to do, sitting on the end of the sofa so you can rest on his chest. You keep the hem of your dress down as you get in between his legs.

"I'm not wearing underwear," you tell him.

He hurriedly takes his jacket off, offering it to you to cover your legs, then puts his arms around you.

"Why are you not wearing an underwear?" He curiously asks.

"To seduce you, of course!" You mischievously reply with a smirk.

He groans at the night sky and hisses, "Fuck..."

-

YOU: What can I say? I love teasing him [laughs]

-

Should you be suspicious or relieved to know that Lana is letting the two of you off tonight?

She didn't announce any rule breaks tonight and everyone stays oblivious about your rulebreaks. Well, you should be thankful that you can go to sleep at ease tonight.

"Goodnight, fam!" Jeff mutters to everyone in the room once the lights are off.

In the dark, Seungmin gets bold with his touches, you wonder if he's going to keep his word to not spend any more money.

You still remember how he said he didn't like cuddles that much but he's the only one spooning you right now with his big, warm hand resting on your stomach.

To put it simply, he's not that much of a man who sticks to his words.

It's obvious that he wants it as much as you do as he keeps placing kisses all over your shoulder and neck, his hand goes under your night dress, squishing on the flesh of your stomach.

"We can kiss, you know," you whisper.

He presses a kiss on the skin behind your ear and whispers back, "But we can't."

You let him do as he pleases and try to not make any noises as his hand climbs up your chest, his fingers teasing your underboob.

You turn your head to the back and lowly mutter, "You know what they say?"

He detaches his mouth off your neck, "What?"

"Third time is a charm," you answer.

Seungmin gets it right away and he decides that he's going against his plan to not act selfishly. He kisses you and lets his hand roam all over you, fondling at your breast and pinching at your nipple, making you yelp against his lips.

You see that he's smiling as he kisses you and he slides his hand down your stomach, easing down to where you want him the most.

He lets go of the kiss to ask, "Are you wearing underwear?"

"Sadly, yes," you answer.

That doesn't stop him from continuing, cupping your clothed sex as he plants his mouth on you again and without warning, lands a gentle slap at it.

You take his hand away in reflex and put it back on your waist, holding it down to not let it wander again.

"You can't do that, baby," you whine.

It's a surprise that you find yourself becoming the one with more senses and reminding him about the plan. Probably because it only hits you now that you've spent quite a lot of money already with three kisses and that's only what you know.

You don't want to know how Lana is going to calculate these rule breaks, thinking about it is enough to make you shudder.

Seungmin takes a deep breath to calm himself down, he needs it as you can feel his member poking your backside. You turn around to sleep facing him and putting a little space between your bodies, resting your hand on his chest as you look at his face in the dark.

"We should save some for tomorrow," you jokingly say.

Seungmin softly chuckles and takes your hand to kiss it, "Goodnight," he mutters.

You lean in to kiss his cheek and give his fluffy hair a ruffle, "Goodnight, baby."

-

YOU: I hope Lana dozed off during her night shift or was updating her software or something [laughs]

-

This morning, people started getting suspicious of you.

As soon as the lights are on and morning greetings are being thrown around the room, Tom asks the usual question, "Were there any rule breaks last night?"

You put on an act and you don't have to worry about Seungmin, he mastered the innocent until proven guilty face.

Issa shakes her head while twisting her hair and secures it with a hair claw, "Nothing here."

"That's good," Tom says, impressed.

Then Devon with her bare face and naturally rosy cheeks, gestures her hand in your direction, "I definitely heard something from there," she says.

Your heart drops but you keep reminding yourself to not act on it, putting on an angelic smile to ward the suspicion away.

"Why are you smiling?" Jeff asks.

"Because I'm feeling good," You simply answer, ignoring how your heart starts beating out of control inside your chest.

Thankfully, Vale chimes in and puts all of the attention away from you, "Yo Jeff, I dreamed that you stole one of the cones in the villa," he says.

Jeff cracks a laugh at this random information, "You mean, I stole Lana?"

Now that the suspicious eyes are nowhere on you, you look at Seungmin and exchange a knowing glance.

"What are we doing today?"

"Stop following me," he says, getting back at you with what you said to him yesterday.

You rest your head on his shoulder, "Want to work out together?"

He pushes you away by the shoulder, "You're annoying. Go away!"

You put your hand across his chest and hug him, annoying him more by nuzzling your head into his neck.

"Stop it!" He plainly says.

It's for the best that you maintain a safe space with Seungmin for now. You join Vale sunbathing, taking the lounger next to him, and put sunglasses on to shield you from the sun.

"It's weird not seeing you all over your boy," Vale pokes fun at you.

"Gee! Thanks," you sneer with a thin smile.

Vale chuckles and puts his bottle of suntan away, "So, you like this boy so much, huh?"

"Yes," you confidently reply.

"That much, huh?"

"Yes."

He chuckles again and reclines on his lounger, "How far are you in the relationship?"

You get a little anxious at the mention of the word "relationship" but it is a relationship, what you have with Seungmin is not just a fling.

With Vale, you can openly tell him about things because you know he will try to help you find an answer. He's a good friend who you can seek advice from.

"I'm just afraid that I might get scared and just fall back, I'm like... caught between two things at this moment," you honestly tell him.

Vale understands your problem, he's brushing his facial hair as he thinks about what to say to you.

"I think you should follow your heart," he says.

"If he feels right to you, then you should go for it," he continues, looking at you through the lenses of your sunglasses.

Seungmin feels right but that doesn't mean that one day, he won't walk away from your life. That's what you fear: being abandoned.

"I know but... it's just..." You don't know how to fathom it into words but you can feel the fear creeping up inside you.

Vale grabs your hand and gives it a squeeze, "It's okay. You'll figure it out," he comforts you with a smile.

This is what makes Vale a good friend, he's not judgmental and knows how to provide comfort. You place your hand on top of his and smile back at him.

After a moment, he lets go and then sits back on his lounger, "What else is on your mind though?"

"Sex?" You shamelessly answer.

He bursts out laughing and puts his hands behind his head, "You did break the rules with him last night, didn't you?"

He knows you better than anyone so there's no use in denying it, you nod to confirm.

"How bad?"

You skip on answering and he gets the meaning of it, cracking another laugh at you.

"How mad everyone will be when they find out?" You foolishly ask even though you don't want to know the answer.

"Depends..." Vale answers, sparing his detailed opinion on it.

He knows you know how bad it would be since you're the one who committed the crimes. If you have to guess how bad, well, it's bad enough that it sends a chill down your spine.

You shake the thought away and turn the conversation elsewhere, "Enough about me. How about you?"

"What about me?" Vale asks in confusion.

"Are you still on the hunt or...?" You wonder if Vale is having his eyes on someone or if he wants to continue this journey on his own.

"I don't know," he answers.

"I don't think I... I think I learned enough here," he cryptically adds, hinting that he wants to stop progressing in this retreat.

But it could also mean something else entirely.

"If it's about the girls, I think Lana will bring more guests into the villa," you try to console him.

Vale awkwardly chuckles and lets your words vanish into thin air, unanswered.

-

YOU: I want to open up, I do and I know it's something that I need to do but that's just too scary for me.

-

It's time to face the music.

When Devon lets everyone know that Lana wants everyone in the cabana, Seungmin knows that she's going to announce the rule breaks.

Lana has been quiet lately but that doesn't mean she's not keeping tabs on what's happening in the villa. He sees that you look a little nervous as you walk next to him.

Everyone is cheering once they enter the cabana and Seungmin wonders what triggers it, it's the first time everyone is happy coming into the cabana.

Then he notices the small gift boxes, twelve of them on the table which means everyone gets one.

"I hope it's one of those mini vibrators," Cara cheekily remarks.

Next to him, you're sighing and awkwardly muttering, "That's interesting."

Not long after, Lana chimes to answer everyone's curiosity, "Hello, everyone. As you can see, I have a treat for you all."

More cheering erupts in the cabana and Tom is excitedly whooping, probably because Lana finally delivers good news.

"The purpose of this gift will further enhance your relationships going forward. You may now open your gifts."

Everyone takes each box onto their laps and impatiently opens them to find out what's inside. Seungmin takes one for him too and gets yours for you.

"When I observe two people forming a genuine connection, they will be given a green light, like this."

While everyone else is enjoying their watches and Lana explains about the green light, Seungmin is left confounded as he finds nothing inside his box.

And so are you.

"You don't get one?" Elliott asks.

Devon dramatically gasps, "What does that mean?"

Seungmin looks at you and you look back at him, nervously laughing at the same time. He knows you both fucked up and it's time to let everyone knows.

"Do you guys know why you don't get one?" Adriana asks.

It's better to come clean and not make it worse for both of you. Seungmin learns the hard way not to underestimate Lana and if he did again, she'd punish him more.

"Uhm... so..." You're fiddling with the cuff of Seungmin's shirt, anxious.

Seungmin decides to speak for both of you, "Last night, we kissed and did a little heavy petting," he confesses.

He thought that it would be like taking a bandaid off all at once but as everyone is exclaiming, groaning, and complaining, he realizes that the sting lingers.

"I knew it," Devon says, knowing that she was right about the noises she heard last night.

"You have not only broken the rules once, but three times in 36 hours," Lana reveals.

And hearing that, he must agree that it's that bad.

"What are you doing?" Elliott asks in disbelief as if he didn't spend 50 grand on himself a few days ago.

"These rule breaks have cost the group a total of $30,000."

Everyone is at a loss for words, including Tom and that's a bad sign. Seungmin would rather Tom to scold him than get nothing from him.

"The prize fund now stands at $74,000," Lana updates.

-

SEUNGMIN: [Groans] I clearly underestimated Lana.

-

When you think the nightmare is over, Lana calls you and Seungmin. You sit up straighter and hold Seungmin's hand tighter on his lap.

"Everyone here has struggled to combat their physical urges, but you two have shown a blatant disregard for my rules of late."

Lana is mad, you get it and you believe you're not going to like what she says next. But what can you do? You have to pay for what you did.

"Therefore, to prove you are committed to the process, I'm setting you an additional test."

Oh? A test? But you're never good at tests and everyone seems to have guessed what kind of test Lana will put you into.

"You will both spend the night in the suite," Lana continues.

You and Seungmin immediately turn to look at each other, muttering two different curses at the same time.

"Fuck!"

"Damn it!"

"You are encouraged to use your time to further your connection and prove that you do, in fact, respect the rules of my retreat," Lana warns.

Everyone is already pessimistic about it, they probably think that the two of you will fail which only makes you want to prove them wrong.

"If successful you will earn your watches," Lana announces.

Seungmin looks at everyone and says, "To me, this is not a problem."

This is not a problem to him but everyone knows that the problem is you, you're the one who keeps leading him into temptations.

"You may now leave," Lana orders.

-

YOU: Oh, my God! How are we going to survive this?

-

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#stray kids smut #skz smut #seungmin smut #kim seungmin smut #skz x reader #seungmin x reader #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #skz fics #skz fanfics #kpop smut #kpop fics #kpop fanfics #seospicy smut #too hot to handle series

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

The Stranger 6

Warnings: non/dubcon, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Characters: Destroyer!Chris

Summary: A stranger buys the farmstead nearby and disturbs your sleepy village life.

Part of the Backwoods AU

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

Your grandmother waits for you on the porch. She has a book in hand as she sits on the wooden swing, nose scrunched beneath the wire of her glasses. She looks up as you near the bottom of the steps, the wagon rolling and rattling loudly behind Chris.

“Gramma,” you’re nearly breathless as you step up on the lowest step, “I got the groceries.”

She looks up over the frames of her glasses and closes her book. She clears her throat as she sets it beside her on the flat cushion and fixes the kinks around her ears. She stands with her slight hunch and tugs at the front of her handspun blouse.

“And who’s this?” She preens, “I wasn’t expecting company, sir.”

“Um,” you hesitate, waiting for him to answer. He doesn’t, “this is Chris?”

“Chris, ma’am,” he echoes at last, “I’m new around here. Just bought some property down the way. Wanted to come by and say thanks for that pie. Lucky me, we ran into each other in town.”

“Oh, gosh, that is so sweet,” she fawns as she comes to the top of the stairs, “I’m Sadie, I hope you enjoyed the pie. I didn’t have much left in the pantry, I know rhubarb’s not for everyone.”

“It was delicious,” he pushes the handle up and lets it stand on its own, “please, don’t trouble yourself.” He steps past you up the stairs, “very nice to meet you at last. I’ve heard a lot from your granddaughter.”

He offers his hand and she takes it gently. They shake as she smiles. “You have?”

“Please, sit,” he insists and gestures her back to the swing. 

“Oh, thank you,” she swoons, “I just had my hip done, you see? Only just back on my feet.”

“Then it’s a good thing I came by, isn’t it? Looks like you two could use a spare pair of hands.”

“Um, I’ll get the groceries inside–”

“So, you two… talk?”

“Yeah, she was nice enough to deliver that pie and I guess we just hit it off. She didn’t say?” Chris sits beside her. You watch, dumbfounded. What is he talking about?

“No, she didn’t say she was sneaking off with some handsome man,” your grandmother trills.

“You are too nice, Sadie,” he grins, “I didn’t even get a chance to ask her out… you know, I know things are real old-fashioned around here so I thought I better check with you first.”

“Me? Oh, of course, of course!” She nearly claps her hands as she clasps them together, “my granddaughter… it’s about time she went out and had some fun. The dear helps me out so much–”

You grab a bag from the wagon and keep your chin down. Really? She doesn't call it help when you're alone. She tells you you're nagging or useless or irritating.

Chris clears his throat, “so I have your blessing?”

“Oh, certainly you do,” she squeals, “oh, honey, that’s so adorable.”

You look up as you climb the steps. Your stomach is doing somersaults. You can tell she’s already hearing bells. He has her in the palm of his hand and why not? She's only ever wanted you to finish the job your mother left undone. She wants someone she can boast about to the ladies at the quilting club.

“Woah, woah,” Chris stands as he glances over, “let me get that.” He stands and strides past your grandmother’s knees, “I’ll get everything sorted and you ladies can take it easy.”

“Now, that is just too much, sir.”

“It’s not enough,” he insists as he takes the bag from you, “Sadie, please call me Chris.”

“Chris,” she repeats, “you are a sweetheart, aren’t you?”

“Well, you know, it’s why I left the city. People don’t got much manners anymore. Out here, you all are so nice,” he turns and nears the front door, “can I get you something, Sadie? Water, tea?”

“I’m just fine, honey,” she chimes, “my, my, been so long since we had a man around to help.”

He nods and lets himself in through the screen door. You chew your lip and furrow your brow as he disappears inside. Your grandmother hisses your name.

“Dear, come here,” she points you next to her, “you didn’t say he was so handsome.”

“Gramma,” you groan as you drag your feet towards her.

“Oh, don’t you spoil this,” she grabs your wrist and tugs you down, “we’re gonna fix up one of your old dresses, do your hair nice…” she starts to pick at you.

“Gramma,” you drone again, “please–”

“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re a pretty young lady and he’s…” she makes a face, “well, isn’t he a certain kind. Never saw no men in my days with a jawline like that.”

You try not to cringe, forcing a smile again, “alright.”

“Try to be a little excited, dear! It’s your first date,” she exclaims, quickly tamping down her voice as the door opens squeakily. 

She giggles and watches Chris as he goes to haul two more bags from the wagon. You watch him sheepishly and he looks over, sending you a grin that neatly hides away the sinister gleam in his eyes. You swallow and focus on your fidgeting hands as he once more passes through the front door.

“It’s not too late for you,” she pets your cheek and you flinch, “why don’t you go inside and ask him to stay for dinner.”

You stand and don’t say a word. As you go to the door, you hesitate. Your grandmother was never so happy about anything you did. No, but a complete stranger can walk up and have her singing his praises with just a ma’am and a smile.

#chris #dark!chris #dark chris #destroyer!chris #destroyer #drabble #backwoods au #au #the stranger #destroyer!chris x reader

[reikissu]

reo mikage & chigiri hyoma dating hcsꔛ

ac : i apologize if its ooc huhu, and i hope you all enjoy this!! also there might be some slight changes since i edit my posts... ehe

ꔛ genre : fluff

ꔛ reader : female

ꔛ warnings : cursing

reo's definitely a very attached boyfriend, someone who gets jealous easily and starts thinking things the wrong way. You'd always comfort him and he'll stop spiraling due to the sound of your gentle voice.

he's a very sweet one though! he'll buy you things you like because he's filthy rich mwehehehe (ง˙∇˙)ว his love languages are physical touch and gift giving.

his petnames for you are baby and love owshi

his arms always linger around your waist, and never dares to let go. "Good morning baby, had a good rest?" ๑♥‿♥๑

his specialty is sweet talk fr !! he just whispers some sweet ass tings into your ear and he got you blushing! "I'm so lucky to have you, my love." "omg stawpp (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)"

you, him and nagi always hang out together, going to the mall, eating etc. and nagi would whine about how he's a third wheel all the time😭

"Ughhh. Reo.. how long am i gonna be a third wheel?" "Alright... shut up for now, Nagi. (ꐦ°᷄д°᷅)" and you're just laughing your ass off LMAO

he's a sucker for kisses, giving and recieving. Every morning whenever you guys wake up, you'd feel his lips, peppering kisses onto your neck sleepily with him pulling you closer.

he loves it whenever you run your fingers through his hair or massage it, he feels so relaxed whenever with you. Do what you want with his hair, pigtail it, braid it, put clips etc. He doesn't mind as long as you're happy

he's very protective, whenever some flirt comes over he starts getting all personal... "Hey, what are you doing near my girlfriend huh? Want me to slug you in the face?" "Reo baby stop,,,( ∙̆.̯∙̆)" "Hmph. (`ヘ´*)"

whenever you hug him, he smells like Jo Malone perfume with a mix of fresh lavender. You could be in his arms for a lifetime and never get tired of his scent.

god, chigiri's a gem. Imagine having such a gorgeous boyfriend that's caring and good at soccer? wooh!

he's very gentle with you, his voice, his manners.. just everything in general. He turns into mush at the sight of you.

despite his aggressive manners and intense personality in game, you manage to burn out that fire with just your mere presence. You can make him go soft for you with just a flick of your wrist!

you'd always ask him what products are good for your skin and he answers quickly.

"Hyo-channnnn, what skin products do you recommend?" "Hm? Oh, i recommend Ponds facewash with blah blah blah" you better take note..

his petname for you is love

he always styles your hair while looking at you, full of love. Whenever he's done styling it, you look so goddamn cute that he can't help but smile.

he always lays his head on your chest, silently hinting for you to play with his hair until he falls asleep.

he introduces you to Isagi, Bachira or just basically his teammates, so they know you're his. And one day he might be brave enough to introduce you to his mom and sister.

he likes to pinch your cheeks and carress them, sometimes he does it at such random times that it takes you by surprise.

*squeeeeze* "Chigiriiii,," "I can't help it love, your cheeks are just so squishy and soft." "Hm.."

sometimes he shows you some videos of his gameplay, and boy were you amazed. "Wow Hyo-chan! You're so fast and cool! ⁽⁽٩(๑˃ᗨ˂)۶⁾⁾" "Hehe, it's nothing the world's best striker can't handle. ˘ᗜ˘" arrogant ahh

he loves it whenever you make his hair all nice, the feeling of your fingers running through his red locks makes him feel sleepy. Do what you want, as long as you don't tug on it.

a huge sucker for hugs, he feels as if he's protecting you whenever you're in his arms.

ah, i forgot to mention how possessive he would be. Despite that pretty face and voice, he's got quite the temper..

one time, some guy just stared at you for a while and holy.. who knew such words would come out of a pretty mouth?

"Ha? The fuck you looking at, bastard?👿" "*gasp* HYO-CHAN!! (°□°;)" you made sure to give him a little scolding after that, although he was a bit stubborn, he did apologize for it eventually.

his scent is freshly bloomed sakura, and a hint of raspberry in it it's just his shampoo. You could feel yourself craving for it after getting a whiff HAHAHA

＊┈┈┈┈＊┈┈┈┈＊┈┈┈┈＊┈

© reikissu do not repost/steal any of my works and repost it on other platform/s. I do not own the characters i write for at all, Reblogs are appreciated though ♡

#reo mikage fluff #reo mikage #reo x reader #reo mikage x reader #mikage reo #mikage reo x reader #chigiri hyoma #chigiri hyoma x reader #chigiri hyoma fluff #hyoma chigiri #hyoma chigiri x reader #bllk imagines #bllk chigiri #bllk reo #blue lock x reader #blue lock imagines #blue lock fluff #blue lock reo #blue lock chigiri #anime imagines

[snaillock]

your relationship with bllk men as mitski songs

(kaiser, sae, oliver)

my posting has been very slow recently so to celebrate mitskis new album (and to feed into my eternal obsession for her music and lyricism by combining it with another thing im way too obsessed with), i dug up this old ass draft and finished it instead of giving y’all an actual fic

tags: gn!reader, angst(it’s mitski duh), yeah basically no fluff/comfort in here, suggestive-ish in the oliver one, me being a dork and combining two big interests of mine

michael kaiser - i don’t smoke

So if you need to be mean Be mean to me I can take it and put it inside of me If your hands need to break More than trinkets in your room You can lean on my arm As you break my heart

his career can be a lot on his shoulders at times even with the cocky and arrogant facade he puts on for the performance of each match he plays. he has a tendency to keep it all in to bask in the glory of his luxurious life.

you understand. you know he’s currently too prideful to deal with his true feelings, especially all on his own. you just want to be there to know he isn’t alone and that he can be open with you. so you sit there, giving him a listening ear as he lashes out and releases every awful word in the book towards you when everything finally becomes too much for him to bear. you wouldn’t want him to have a very public meltdown when it happens so it’s better this way. you have remind yourself to take none of it to heart because he doesn’t mean those all harsh words. he just needed an outlet for those frustrations.

you also don’t want the weight and significance of his career to separate you two. you’re already so damn lucky to be with someone like him. you want to prove that you can handle it. you know you can. you’re sure you can help him figure this all out somehow. love just takes compassion and patience, that’s all it is. just taking it one step at a time.

it’s just compassion and patience. right?

Just don't leave me alone Wondering where you are I am stronger than you give me credit for

sae itoshi - i want you

You're coming back And it's the end of the world We're starting over and I love you darlin' And I am done, dear

he swears he will make time for you someday. sure those words have been promised over and over again like a broken record but he truly does love you. however you’re starting to wonder if mutual love is truly enough to keep you two going.

the truth is his life is currently too big and important for him to take any focus away from it. the last thing he needs is a distraction. all of which he has very clear multiple times, even along with his contrastingly hopeful promises. though his tone is quite neutral, never letting his emotions seep through as if he’s programmed to do so. meanwhile you have to desperately hold yours back to not seem like an idiot.

it’s never been easy to express how you feel in front of him. you desperately wish you could but the inconsistency of your relationship that’s barely holding up renders it pointless. this over and over/back and forth thing that’s going on between you two is exhausting. it only leaves you lost and confused. you begin to wonder if staying is even worth it at all. even with the speck of hope that it could eventually work out. even if you love him.

You're in the house And I am here in the car I just need a quiet place Where I can scream how I love you

oliver aiku - eric

You like control, well, I do too Take off my clothes and watch me move You can come closer, I'll let you hurt me how you choose

you deeply crave a loving and fulfilling connection with another but unfortunately the other you desire is him. a guy who’s born to be a player and only wants to fool around with multiple people.

you know getting attached would only cause you so much unnecessary pain but your naive heart couldn’t resist him. you know that he doesn’t see you for more than what you give him at night but you were still a fool to fall for him.

enough of a fool to fall for him knowing he’s not ready to settle for one person. you could see it from how you would lovingly gaze at him while he leers at someone else behind you. you would still give yourself up to him if you could, offering anything he wanted out of you.

despite better judgment, you stay with a pained and aching heart. constantly yearning for more.

But how long, how long can we play this way? I'm tired, I'm tired of not loving you My heart, my heart wants to hold you But I know, I know, I know the rules

taglist(lemme know if you wanna be added): @userwithlotsoftime @lucas2060

#★ snail.writes ★ #it was so damn difficult picking between a loving feeling or eric for olivers part #blue lock #blue lock angst #blue lock x reader #michael kaiser #kaiser x reader #sae itoshi #sae x reader #sae itoshi x reader #oliver aiku #oliver aiku x reader #literally didn’t let myself sleep on a school night until i finished this #mitski posting

[instantnoooodles]

A Driving Force

An ancient ask from an old friend, it came to me in a dream. Viola. 

Gibbs x Reader | No use of [Y/n] | 3.2 k | Mentions of Childbirth, swearing, pregnancy, mentions of sex, fluff with little to no angst

Pregnancy has got you ready to throttle your husband. 

Nearly eight months pregnant, and you are going to kill someone. 

Someone's name is Jethro. 

Jethro, who- after your first baby- thought it would be a swell idea to have another (don't get me wrong, he is more than good at making them, it's the labor and the first trimester that does you in.) Jethro, who is at work and not at home making you tea or rubbing your calves, or doing literally anything other than being at work. It's driving you nuts, and your son may as well be training for the baby Olympics. There's no reprieve, not with a heating pad, not with an exercise ball, not with the piss-poor excuse for a nap you'd tried to take, nothing. 

So you do what anyone would've done: You drive your ass to his work and give the security guards some vaguely veiled threats to let you up to the bullpen. 

And naturally, he's nowhere to be found. 

"I am going to kill that man," you grumble, reclining in his chair, leaning your head back, and closing your eyes. Ironically enough, the background noise helps- you feel more relaxed than at home. 

The elevator dings, and in comes the trio. (McGee- you assume- is down in the lab. Jethro says he prefers it to fieldwork some days.) And- naturally- they're yelling. 

"I had him!" 

"You had shit! That dude outran you by miles! He's halfway to Timbuktu right now!"  

"Dinozzo-" 

"Boss, I am telling you-"

"Dinozzo."

They stop in the bullpen, and you stand, hand over your stomach, and downright glower at your husband. "Leroy." 

Tony's face crumples into something like horror, Kate looks like a bomb might go off, and Jet- well, he looks a little south of terrified. As he should. 

"Sweetheart," He walks toward you, hands outstretched, and immediately goes in for a gentle peck on the cheek. You swat him away. He frowns comically. 

"Your son is driving me up a wall." 

"You shouldn't be driving like this," he reaches down and caresses the bump. Damn him and his soft voice. Usually, you only hear it in the comfort of your home, never at work, and maybe that's what melts your resolve of putting up a fight. 

You sigh, slouching into him and leaning your head into the crook of his neck. He takes it all in stride, cupping his hand on the back of your head, drawing circles with his thumb on that place where the base of your skull meets your neck. It makes you fall apart like a card tower. You groan- he has the decency not to laugh, just winds his other arm around your waist. "Is he giving you a hard time?" It's asked softly, gently, kindly, with all the warmth of a roaring fire and the bourbon in the basement. This is the Jet that makes you question if he's really an agent. 

"He's been kicking my bladder for hours," you groan into his shirt. It smells like sawdust and mint. "You'd think he's training for boot camp in there." 

Jethro rubs gently at your waist- Tony and Kate sit quietly at their desks and have the decency to stop arguing. Tony even takes a field trip to God knows where- it makes you smile. "Better or worse than Dani?" 

Dani is your nearly five-year-old. A bundle of joy and Jethro's entire world, she has a smile to light up a room. 

And a temper to rival Hell, she gets it from her dad, but he handles her well. 

You scoff. "Dani didn't take up gymnastics, and if I recall correctly, you missed the first eight hours of my labor." 

"Twenty more to go- didn't miss much." You smack him gently on the back, and he only chuckles and continues to rub the muscles of your hips and neck. "You damn near broke my hand." 

"Twenty-eight hours of labor, Jethro. You're lucky I didn't break every bone in your body and shoot you." He mumbles something like 'touche', and you stand in silence for a moment. Jet quietly says 'here' and untangles himself from you (you nearly kill him) until he spins around. Facing your back and winding his arms around to your stomach, he reaches underneath your bump, intertwines his fingers, and lifts. 

You come this close to moaning in the middle of NCIS headquarters. 

Jet started doing this sometime towards the end of the second trimester when your bump became less of that and more like a mound. (These days, it feels more like a mountain.) The muscles in your abdomen relax, and the relief is instantaneous. Your head lols back onto his shoulder, and you kiss the underside of his jaw. "Thank you." 

It comes out in a whisper, but he gets the idea and returns the gesture to your forehead. "'Course sweetheart," And then you just stand there. It could be hours- it could be seconds. Realistically, it was probably closer to ten minutes. Jethro is strong, despite his age and his appearance. If you asked him he could probably do this for another hour and then some. Come to think- he'd do anything you asked him to. And you'd do the same, quite frankly, but right now- right now this is plenty. 

Jethro releases the weight of your baby boy slowly, oh-so-gently and it nearly makes you sob (damn pregnancy hormones) and hugs you from the side, careful not to undo the release he's just given you. You peck his cheek, leaning into the embrace, and close your eyes. 

And then water splashes down your leg, down your pants, and onto a puddle in the NCIS bullpen. 

Motherfucker. 

Echoed both in your head and out loud by your husband, Tony chooses this perfect moment to come barreling into the room. "Boss, we got something- oh shit." 

"Dinozzo, go get my car," and Jet hurls the keys at Tony's head. Tony, with all his goofiness and jokes, makes none about the situation and beelines for the staircase, Kate hot on his heels. 

Contraction number one hits with full speed, nearly taking you to your knees, and Jet hugs you around your waist, keeping you from collapsing and yanking the phone from his back pocket. "If the nurse doesn't give me an epidural this time, you have my full permission to shoot them." 

"Yes ma'am," he says, throwing the phone onto his desk. You don't see what he's done with it, you're too busy trying to stand. 

The contraction fades, you rise, and Jethro rises with you. "You're early." 

"Dani was three weeks early," you breathe deeply through your nose and out through your mouth. 

"This is nearly four." 

"Well, then, Jet, get a damn move on." And move he does. He makes sure you're standing steady first, before flying behind his desk to grab a bag. You do a double take. "You keep the hospital bag in your office?" 

He gives you a quick peck on the cheek, slinging the bag over his shoulder and guiding you toward the elevator. "Been with me for two months now, sweetheart." 

You're going to sob. 

Jet's gentle hand on your elbow and back gets you both to the elevator in one piece. An agent- you don't know who- is standing there as the doors ding open. Jethro gives him a look that could freeze over hell as he turns around to ask what floor, and the mystery agent steps out. 

You poke the 'G' button as another contraction punches through you. Jet gets you to lean against the cool metal wall as the elevator begins to move, and you grip his forearm tight. You're not swearing, not yet, just breathing deeply, but at this rate, you'll be calling the doctor a fuckwad the minute you walk through the hospital doors. 

Tony and Kate (bless their hearts) have the car running right out of the elevator in the parking garage. Tony reaches for your arm to help you in but a sharp, "Hands off my wife, DiNozzo!" Stops him dead in his tracks. Kate steps in as Jet throws the bag in the backseat. He opens the passenger door while Kate leads you. 

"You're gonna do great, call us when the baby's here, and we'll handle the case, Gibbs." The last part is directed toward your husband, who takes your other forearm as you sit gingerly in the car. 

He drives like Jethro. Which is to say: Like a maniac. 

You don't complain, even if it feels like you're in the middle of a police chase. He cuts the fifteen-minute drive to the hospital in half, skidding to a halt in front of the maternity wing, and barely remembers to turn off the car before reaching behind him to snag the bag and half-carry you to the doors. You can hardly blink before they've got you in a room, changed into a hospital gown, and are telling you to push.

Mike Leroy Gibbs' labor clocks in at a whopping two hours. 

It's a very painful two hours. Jet may have threatened several doctors and nurses to give you an epidural (who complies, you don't know the details and you don't want to.) They whisk him away to check vitals and clean him up, though Jet also threatens to maim or seriously injure someone if Mike isn't in your arms in fifteen minutes. 

He's returned rather quickly (you have a feeling you'll have to do damage control when you give a shit.) And he is the cutest bundle of warm brown hair and the brightest blue eyes you ever did see. 

You don't let Jethro hold him for something close to an hour, you damn near fall asleep with him on your chest for a little while, but with a soft, "Jet, look at your son." He takes him

Jethro is pretty quiet while he holds him- he was the same with Dani, awestruck by her existence and speechless. He coos at Mike, who's fast asleep, and sways him gently back and forth. He sits down, the armchair pulled as close to your hospital bed as it can get, with one hand cradling your son and the other holding your hand, rubbing gentle circles on the meat of your thumb. 

(You crushed his forearm during labor. Not literally, Jethro is still injury free, but there will be bruises in a few days. He knows how sore you are though, and if he wasn't occupied with his new son, you'd be sure he'd be giving you a massage. He was just as good- if not miles better- than when you gave birth to Dani. He was on a case, deep cover, and didn't get the phone call from Ducky or the hospital until you were well into labor. Ducky's phone call was far more urgent- Gibbs drove at least forty over to get to you.) 

"Jet, I gotta call Donovan, he still has two more days with Dani-" 

"Already taken care of sweetheart." 

You're going to melt. Absolutely dissolve into a pile of lovey-dovey goo. "Thank you." 

He brings your hand to his lips to kiss each of your knuckles. "He's on his way, your brother drives slower than I do-" 

"Jethro, everyone drives slower than you." 

The corner of his lips twitch upward at that, and he doesn't argue. 

The room is... nice. It's the only way to describe it. You feed Mike, and Jet is respectful and goes to find you OJ while you do it. "It doesn't make me uncomfortable, hun. Figured you could just use some time with him, skin to skin." 

Yeah, you're gonna cry. 

You actually do, while he's away and Mike has finished. It's not sad tears, they're definitely happy. When Jethro comes back he seems to know it, you don't even have to say anything, he just sits on the side of the bed, curls an arm behind your shoulders, and pets your hair. There are kisses laid atop your head, and he rubs your bicep. He whispers in his soft voice, the one you're so used to hearing that when you visit him at work his 'Boss' tone makes you do a double take. (Is it hot? Absolutely. But there's nothing quite like the quiet tone he uses when he asks if you're ready for bed.) 

You sniffle, Mike shifts in your arms as Jethro wipes a tear and a series of gentle knocks at the door sound through your hospital room. One, two, three, four, five, heads poke through the sliver in the open door. "Boss? Can we come in?" 

Gibbs looks to you for permission before answering. You nod and smile softly, and he beckons to the agents. Abby and Kate file in first, closely followed by Tim, then Ducky, who holds the door open for Tony, who's carrying two huge plastic bags filled with something that smells magical. 

Abby gives you the first hug, careful to avoid your newborn, she wraps an arm around your shoulder while Jethro untangles himself from you to help Tony. ("Did ya buy enough for the whole wing, Dinozzo?") 

Kate comes in next, taking Abby's place with a hug around your shoulder. You share grins, and she asks you how the labor was- the conversation is easy and nice. (Everyone knows how bad Dani's labor was. You've come into the office a few times a month, usually with coffee or breakfast, or-hell, even dinner for your husband and his crew when the nights turn long. You used to come in once a week during the first trimester. You and Gibbs would be in the NCIS bathroom with your head in a toilet, hair held back, and circles rubbed on your shoulders. Those were rough days.) 

"Do you wanna hold him?" 

Kate looks a little dumbstruck. Ducky and Tim are giving her encouraging glances, grinning ear to ear. "Y-you're sure?" 

You smile up at her, readjust, and hold Mike out. "Make sure to support his head, arm under his neck, keep the blanket- there you go." Kate kinda giggles- a breathy laugh escapes as she turns toward Gibbs and grins wide. He smiles back- then wider to you- and winks. To this day, it still gives you butterflies. 

Kate moves around the room- pacing in circles, bounces your son in the crook of her elbow, and quietly talks with Ducky. Tim comes in for a small hug. "Congrats, Mrs. Gibbs. You feel alright?" 

You scoff and pull him in with both arms. "I'm exhausted- I think Jet threatened someone for an epidural." 

You give him a peck on the cheek as he steps back, unfolding himself. Tim blushes pink and smiles. "Anything I can do? Food? Clothes?" You nearly start crying again. "I make a mean quiche, waffles too- Abby's can vouch for me-"

You laugh (Jethro's eyes light up at the sound, Tony notices.) "That sounds wonderful, Tim. Thank you, I mean it." 

He smiles, genuine, and you get the feeling sometimes Tony and Kate are a little hard on him. Then you remember how they rallied when he was in the hospital from a gunshot wound, and all those thoughts fade away. 

"McGee! Get over here!" Tony yells from across the room, gesturing with a plastic knife. 

Kate comes over to hand back Mike, but you gesture to Ducky. "Go ahead, Duck. I'm sure you've had your fair share of holding babies, don't make me lecture you." 

Ducky smile kindly (everyone seems to be smiling lately, and as cheesy as it sounds, it makes you happy. The my-heart-hurts-with-happiness way. You think the work is thankful, but even that seems too small of a word for what you feel.) Kate hands Mike over, carefully, slowly- his head fits neatly into the palm of her hand, where it waits until Ducky re-settles the blanket over him. 

Duckys' a natural- he sways with Mike and regals him with PG versions of his cases. Mike, sleepy and half-conscious, wiggles out of the blanket and wraps one of his teeny-tiny hands around the doctor's fingers. Abby and Kate coo and fold the blanket back over your son. They wiggle their own fingers at him, but Mike stays sound asleep, shifting minutely in Ducky's arms.

Tony comes in next for a one-armed, light hug. (You suspect Jet is behind that- you pull him in all the same. ) 

"Gibbs mentioned you were hungry," he gestures to the small table ladened with takeout boxes. "Said you were craving pasta." 

You pull him back for another, tighter hug, gifting him with a peck on the cheek too, "Thank you, Tony, that's really sweet of you." 

He blushes lightly, with a smug sort of look on his face. "You guys can keep the leftovers- McGee's idea."

You give his hand a squeeze instead of words, but he seems to get the idea, winking and holding up your shoulders while you sit up as Jet brings a plate over. He doesn't chastise Tony for his hand placement or the still-visible blush painted across his neck and cheeks, but you're more focused on the heavenly-smelling, rich, and sauce-loaded noodles being presented to you. 

You groan. "You are a saint, hun. Thank you." You grab the plate and fork with eager hands. Tony laughs and meanders off to grab a plate of his own while Jet sits on the side of your bed. He's got his own plate- carefully portioned and balanced on one knee as he catches a noodle falling off your fork and nearly onto the sheets. 

"Thanks," you reply with a mouthful, but it comes out more like a grunt. Jet gets the message anyway, smiling down at you. You're more at an even height now that you're sitting up, and you watch cheerfully as Ducky looks to you for permission to pass Mike to Abby. 

Tim and Kate are chatting quietly. They look over at you and Jet once and a while. (You get the sneaky suspicion you won't have to cook or do chores in the house for months.) Tony is still ladling noodles onto his plate, and you watch as he hands a similar one to Ducky. 

You didn't notice when they first entered- or maybe she was hiding it- but there's a little (not-so-little) bag sitting at Abby's feet as she takes Mike oh-so-gently from Ducky. You guess it might be something black- it'll contrast with his eyes, and you giggle internally at the thought. Abby sways over to Tony, rocking Mike in her arms- you think Tony calls him Giblet Number Two, and you roll your eyes playfully. 

It hits you suddenly how happy you are, nearly knocks you breathless as you watch everyone crowd around Abby as Mike opens his eyes. This is... wonderful. You don't have words for it: you have everything you can ask for and more, and Jethro seems to read your mind (as always.) He reaches down to squeeze your free hand, looking sideways through his eyelashes. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart." 

You smile tearily at him. "I know." 

#jethro gibbs #leroy jethro gibbs #gibbs #ncis #gibbs x reader #jethro gibbs x reader #pregnancy #I did my very best with this #not entirely accurate #I've never given birth so #swearing #mentions of sex #tony dinozzo #Caitlin Todd #childbirth #abby sciuto #ducky mallard #tim mcgee #ncis imagine #jethro gibbs imagine

[xerith-42]

@diagoodness I CAN FUCKIN TALK ABOUT EIN

I've. Been thinking about him. Largely about an Ein who learns that he's being abused. An Ein who's able to take some control of his life and get better. Like. He deserves a chance to be better. I think Ein is a frail broken child who made a very poor very desperate cry for help. He doesn't have like. Any. Good social skills. Zach kept him isolated. He didn't have anything until freshman year.

And his attempt to connect went... Badly. [looks at Zach] I'm not blaming all of Ein's bad actions on you, but I am blaming you for what happened in High School. We didn't get anything about what happened after. Because the show doesn't care about it. But me? I care. I care a lot.

I think Elizabeth is Ein's bio mom and Zach is his bio dad, this is canon to me there's nothing you can say to change this. And after she found out about Ein's high school antics, she probably made a case to take custody back from Zach, won, and raised Ein on her own without his influence. And Elizabeth was no saint either, but she was a lot less controlling. Let Ein explore like... Being a person a little.

And if he's lucky enough (i.e. if I'm writing him) he manages to get away from her too. Ein right after all of this is a very fragile and very hostile person. I dunno if you guys have ever met someone fresh out of an abusive environment, but they aren't often pleasant to be around. There's a lot of bad behaviors and mentalities to unlearn, and Ein isn't exactly known for handling emotional vulnerability well. Ein has a lot of issues he's never even had the chance to consider working out, and maybe a genuine desire to be better, but no knowledge on how to do it.

He's a kicked wet puppy with a mean glare.

I firmly believe that Ein just needs one person to be sincerely and unapologetically kind to him. In spite of what he's done. Someone who knows what he did and is able to look past it to the person Ein wants to be, always has been even if he couldn't express it. If someone could know who he was, and still express honest love for him, maybe he isn't beyond saving. Maybe he can get better.

He just needs one person to believe in him.

Anyways totally unrelated to him being my favorite character or me high-key kinning Ein, I like making that person Blaze because Blaze loves being sincere and caring in simple but effective ways.

#im normal about Ein #and Im done being silent about how insane he makes me #Aphblr opened a long sealed Pandora's box and there is no closing it #i dont say this about characters often #but I could fix him #i could fix him #i believe that #he just needs a hug #aphblr #mystreet ein #aphmau ein #ein aphmau #text post #aphverse #mystreet blaze

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 22 year old INFP in college. I’m at a point where I am deeply unhappy with my position in life, and I’d like your advice for how I should proceed. I want to change so badly and have been trying for so long, but somehow my efforts seem to never amount to any substantial change. I’m really sorry, this is going to be long and contain a lot of backstory. I have a lot of respect for you and have been reading your blog for years, and you seem incredibly wise; however I understand if you do not have the time to answer this. But if so, I appreciate it more than anything.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, whom I still live with. My mother is truly a narcissist, and I believe she’s an xSFP. She’s extremely dysfunctional and can hardly handle herself let alone her children. She has extreme nonconformist opinions (anti-vax, total disregard of modern medicine, arranged marriages, etc) and has instilled so much self-hatred into me. She cannot handle anyone who thinks differently from her. She blames me, my dad, and my younger brother for everything wrong with our household. For the past few days she’s been especially horrible, constantly berating me and calling me a failure. She’s extremely toxic but believes herself to be a saint.

My father is an ISFJ who is a total enabler. He suffers at the hand of my mother too yet will throw us under the bus whenever and never stick up for me or my siblings, even though he too gets treated horribly. I believe if he married a better woman he would’ve been salvageable, as he seems to just adapt to my mom’s views, although he gets so much shit from her too.

I don’t think I’ve experienced genuine love from my parents, ever. They’ve always wanted me to be something I’m not. They never approved of my interests (arts, humanities) or valued my opinions. When I was 17 they discovered that I was self-harming regularly, and instead of helping me, my mother shamed me for months and called me evil, a child of the devil. My father cried and asked me, how could you do this? What did we do wrong for you to end up like this?

I have a whole lot of pain in my heart. I’ve worked on myself to the point where I, when needed, can speak relatively objectively about who I am and my strengths. I no longer self-harm. But in my darkest moments, I have completely adapted the label of “evil” and beat myself up over it.

Despite being 22, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve had my permit since I was 16, but cannot legally drive on my own. I think I could pass the test if I practiced more. However, that would require spending time with my mother, who’s temper stresses me out to no end while on the road. Its because of this that I’ve put it off for so long. I am too unwilling and fragile to deliberately put myself in a situation where I know I will get yelled at and degraded.

Despite being 22, I am not allowed to dress in anything “revealing”, nor get my nails or eyelashes done, I am not allowed to drink, I am not allowed to date, I have a curfew, and I am not allowed to move out.

A few months ago, I tried to take control of my life. Despite all of my misfortune, I am lucky enough to have a lot of genuine friends who care for me. My best friend and I decided to move out together. We leased a place, made payments, and started packing our bags. Right before our plan to move officially, without even knowing, my parents decided to go on an impromptu road trip to our hometown. I decided not to tell them until we were driving back from the trip… huge mistake. I was mentally tortured for the entire drive back (3 days). They degraded me to no end, guilt tripped me, cried, acted like I had murdered someone. My mom even accused me of being a lesbian for moving in with another girl, which is not only disgustingly homophobic, but also makes no sense!!! At one point my mom screamed so loudly and banged on the car door in anger while my father was driving, and he ended up pulling over on the highway. She blamed me and basically said if we died it would be my fault. Scared me and my younger siblings shitless.

In the end, it was more trouble than worth. Me and my friend called it off easily, having not signed a real lease and only giving a verbal agreement. We paid the rest of the month off and continued to live at home. I had felt like such a failure. I didn’t have a job or anything, but I was so confident that after moving out and being away from all the horrible shit at home that I’d be able to get ahold of my life, develop good habits, and become my own person… but my dreams of independence and freedom were ultimately crushed, and I remain in jail.

Because of that same trip and failure to move out, I became even more depressed. My parents had overstayed by almost a week despite my protests and their apparent dream of me doing well in school, and the school work and feelings were so overwhelming that I dropped almost all of my classes that semester. They don’t know of course, I’d be dead.

I truly wish I could get my life together, learn to love myself, and move so far away from them. I never want to speak to them again, as cruel as that is. They want to marry me off one day. I can’t handle it. But I have no money, no car, I’m struggling in school… I am always thinking about how I can improve or turn things around, and I always take one step forward and then fall 5 steps behind. I hate my body, I hate my incompetence, and I hate my life. I’ve been trying for so long, reading, writing, thinking, yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.

And then there is the matter of my little siblings. 17 and 8 years old. My younger brother (17) told me during that trip that if I moved out he would kill himself because he wouldn’t be able to handle them on his own or deal with them potentially getting even stricter once I left. It made me so sick, that I wanted to throw up. Luckily, he is most likely moving away for college next year after he graduates… which they are okay with, because he is a boy I suppose. My baby sister is a trooper and understood why I wanted to move out and even pretended to be on my mother’s side. However, when I tried, my mom said she would forbid us from talking because I am a horrible influence. The thought of abandoning her with mother makes me want to cry. I thought that maybe I would secretly buy her a phone before I move out and let her keep it a secret to talk to me with. But if me moving away and living my life the way i want to made her life worse, I dont know how I’d forgive myself or make up for it.

But either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move out. I hate my body and my bad habits. I try to get clean and become healthier all the time but I can’t stick with it. Something always happens with my mother having an episode and it depresses me to no end and I lose it, try again, lose it. Then with driving. I keep thinking I’ll get my license soon. I never have motivation to practice with her. I need to be able to take my self places to get a job. And even if I do get a job, I know based on my old ones that the stress of home life, my self esteem, and fragility will make it so hard to hold down a job without breaking down constantly or just giving up. And then there’s school. I want to be educated and do well so badly, but it’s so hard with how things are. What should I do? How can I change? I want to escape this nightmare and live for myself more than anything. I want to be content with who I am and comfortable in my body and in my life decisions. I want to be able to voice my opinions and follow my values without being punished, stifled, or suffocated. If I don’t figure out things soon, I fear everything will come crumbling down and the life I long for will never be realized. I promise I try to be positive and appreciative of what I do try. I try to do things that will make me happier and take steps towards a better life. I try to deconstruct my mind so that I don’t fuss over everything and accept even horrible things as they are… But I always get shot down. It always becomes too much, and my progress always becomes undone. It’s like I’m trapped and can’t get out. All I want is the basic right to be myself, unapologetically.

----------------------

You are a young adult and it's an important aspect of young adulthood to establish an independent mindset. I believe you have it already, but your environment is not allowing you to express it fully. This is not your fault, so there is no reason to blame yourself for it.

Blame is a distraction, and it can even lead to problems like self-harm. Blame keeps you hyperfocused on the negative aspects of situations, which drains the precious mental energy you need for moving forward in positive directions. The sooner you can let go of your blaming mindset, the better you will feel and the more rational your thinking will be when tackling problems.

Remember: The blame you direct at yourself is an echo of your mother's way of blaming you. Do you want to internalize her negative attitude? If you truly have an independent mindset, you should be able to separate your own thoughts from someone else's. Where will you find the truth about you: her words or your heart?

With regard to confidence: Most people experience times in life when it seems that problems or obstacles are too big to surmount. The best approach is to break them down into very small steps and manageable goals (requires proper use of Si). By doing this, you allow yourself to feel a relatively continuous stream of small wins that gradually improve your self-confidence. Believing that you are capable is half the battle, isn't it?

With regard to motivation: You say you have good friends to support you and that's a great resource to draw from. Whenever you're feeling down, reach out for some emotional support. Whatever it is you're having difficulty with, get input or assistance from someone more knowledgeable than you. For example, is your mom the only person in the world who can help you with driving instruction? Getting encouragement and support at crucial stages of your path helps keep your motivation up.

Failing to achieve a goal doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. If you believe it does, you are still thinking like a child and it is yet another manifestation of an unhealthy blaming mindset. Failure is really an opportunity. It helps you learn new things. It helps you improve your knowledge and skills. It helps you find a better direction. What mistakes did you make last time? What do those mistakes tell you about how to do better next time? An important aspect of personal growth is learning how to turn failure into something educational, edifying, or valuable.

For INFPs, Ne development is necessary for learning how to be resourceful and making the best use of what you have, rather than always getting lost in thinking about what you don't have. You've spent a lot of words telling me how your situation sucks so that I can understand where you're coming from. But I wonder: What is good about your situation? What resources, both internal and external, are available to you? What's the best way to use those resources to achieve your goals?

#infp #auxiliary ne #tertiary si #self esteem #self confidence #blame #failure #making mistakes #ask

[selenacosmic]

An idol and his makeup artist.

This isn’t a series, just a oneshot of an idea I just had.

If there is one advice I would give to any makeup artist…

Don’t work for idols.

I know, saying this may sound like they would be the worst to work with, but that isn’t the case. At least, not in my case… I have studied different styles of makeup for a long time, so to put my work on someone who will perform and be admired by thousands of people fills me with pride. And, in a way, makes me feel important. Then, what is the true problem with working for an idol as their makeup artist? Well…

“Cut! I believe this second shot was a lot better. Take a 5 minute break to fix the makeup.” I heard the director shout, which immediately pulled me out of my thoughts. The lights towards the set were turned off and so was the music.

Right at this moment, the most recently famous group of idols “serViceS” were filming their second music video. They had debuted not too long ago and yet they had built a large amount of fans in less than a week. Perhaps that had something to do with the theme their group had. Just like their name, this idol group had the intention to ‘serve’ their fans with compliments, sweet words and love songs. I joined the staff for this group at their debut, and I can’t say that I don’t feel lucky to be part of the makeup artists, but…

I don’t think my heart can handle being around these men, specially the one that I am in charge of.

“Ah, filming for two hours straight truly can be tiring. But knowing that I will have this angel taking care of me, even if for only five minutes, all my fadigue fades away.” I hear that melodic voice coming closer, I sigh to myself to calm down. When it comes to him, I need to be patient.

I quickly pulled my mask up in case anyone with a camera came close to film him while he is getting ready for the next shots, already holding a towel in my hands to wipe his sweat.

“I am not taking care of you, I am only making sure you look perfect for the video.” Despite me trying my best to be dismissive, this man really didn’t need me to do much for him to be perfect.

All the members of this group were perfect, but this one was different. The idol in question is called Shingen Takeda, a man that is known for having the mature charm of the group and the one who is the most flirty. When I first joined the makeup crew, I truly wondered if his personality was only an act for the public, which is very normal for idols. Actually, I expected that from all of them, considering that they all act very sweetly and affectionate on stage. What baffled me is that this isn’t an act.

I frowned as I patted his face with the towel, a bit frustrated that his makeup got messed up from the sweat, and… you know, this man is way taller than me. Five minutes really isn’t enough to redo everything and give the idol time to rest, it makes me wonder how he manages to have so much energy in him. Probably sensing my frustration, Shingen lowered his face down to help me reach him easier. “Better, Angel?” He asked with that infuriatingly handsome smile on his face.

“Yes, thanks…”

“I hate to make you work all over again on my makeup, but sweating while filming this is inevitable.” I knew it wasn’t his fault, and it’s not like I had to do much for his makeup. Rather, I felt more worried than anything.

“Don’t worry about it, i will try to finish this quickly.” After I was done cleaning his face, I started doing small retouches to his makeup, trying to ignore the awkward position we were in.

His face is too close..!

“Something wrong, angel?” He asked with a look of concern, he probably sensed me being nervous. I shook my head and lightly pushed him away, I was lucky that my mask was hiding my blushing cheeks. I looked away from him to calm my heart, it’s hard to be able to hold his gaze.

“Your makeup is done. It’s not like it took me too long.” He was perfect already, I barely had to do anything.

Shingen smiled again, I could sense his teasing gaze towards me. This man can notice anything it sometimes scares me, but I am lucky he doesn’t push his teasing too far.

“You work very hard to make me look my best, I can’t be more thankful to you than I am right now.” What is this man talking about now? When I looked up to look at his face, his previous teasing smile was now a gentle gaze. That… caught me off guard.

“What… I am just doing my job, nothing impressive about that.” Before I could move away, I felt his hand gently patting my head. This… would feel really awkward in any other occasion, but luckily no one was looking our way. Is he doing this because of how small I am when compared to him? “A-anyway, before you go back, here.” I shoved a cup I bought on my way to work, it was a caramel Frappuccino, his favorite.

He seemed taken aback by my gift, I couldn’t look him in the eyes due to my embarrassment. I just wanted to do something nice since he worked so hard on his career.

“Selena, I hope you continue being my makeup artist in the future.” He happily took the drink from me, drinking it with delight. I crossed my arms and huffed.

“Right, remember to do a good job if you want more of th-“ before I could finish my sentence, I felt him pulling down my mask to kiss my cheek. That certainly left me speechless.

“Then, I must do my best to receive more of my angel’s blessings.” With that, he walked away while drinking his sweet beverage. Meanwhile I was left there with cheeks more red than strawberries.

Yeah… don’t work with idols, specially idols like Shingen. Your heart might not be able to handle it.

#ikemen sengoku #ikesen #ikemen sengoku shingen #ikesen shingen

[chipped-chimera]

Ugh ... I am low-key so worried about how the BG3 ending is gonna play out for Karlach that I'm considering stopping playing and just coming back to it when I can handle it. Some of this shit is just hitting too close to home and I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.

More personal context under the cut if you want.

I relate to Karlach's pain so much. Too much. To the point it makes me teary thinking about it. Both of our lives have been cruel.

It has been hard for me, despite a stable family upbringing that most would envy, in a lower-middle class family that for the large part has been financially stable. I'm also white. I know I'm lucky in that capacity - god I fucking know (and the thought that what I've gone through could be considered a 'lucky' position? What does that mean for others? It keeps me up at night).

But that didn't stop the pain crawling in. I wasn't diagnosed with Autism until 27. I wasn't diagnosed with co-morbid ADHD until I was 28. I wasn't medicated for ADHD until I was 30 (and that was AFTER being told by a psych who also invalidated my Autism diagnosis aka the context for fucking EVERYTHING in my life, I couldn't have ADHD because I could 'read a book').

Before that? I knew I was depressed at 13, but didn't want to burden my family so I did nothing - we may be lower middle class and stable but I knew that was only because my parents tried so fucking hard. We had camping chairs in place of furniture up until I was eight. I lived with the pain because I didn't want to burden them, and without the context of my neurodivergence I just blamed myself for the problem, not being good enough, not trying hard enough - not being ENOUGH. I held onto it until I cracked and couldn't take it anymore at 16. I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It's since been upgraded to chronic Major Depression and it's classed as treatment resistant.

Both of us have had moments of building ourselves up from nothing. Through therapy and medication I was able to feel a bit better, more positive as I left high school. Thinking maybe it was gonna be okay after all, out there in the world.

It felt like I'd slowly reached out into the light, tentatively, hopefully - there'd be something more, that I'd live out the dreams I'd had, the things I'd always wanted to do. I was still optimistic.

Instead it felt like that arm had been immediately lopped off.

The story is long and too complicated to tell without this being longer than it needs to be. But like Karlach, I feel I've lost years of my life. Like Karlach, it's been a decade - ten years. That I cannot get back, that I grieve keenly.

I have been isolated, and then betrayed by those I thought I trusted. First, by the systems that were supposed to help me when I was struggling - my own government's system as they hit me with a debt that I couldn't even pay, on a scheme which has in retrospect been found to be completely illegal, but has left me with lasting trauma and damage and no closure. Not even a sorry. Because I, with my undiagnosed Autism and ADHD and a growing fatigue issue where I was so exhausted from simply being alive I just couldn't fight it. So I let them take money out of my social security payment - which was and still is considered below the poverty line. I was punished for being poor, I was punished for arguably, being disabled.

And then, by the person I trusted most. The person I thought I loved, the person who made it felt like everything was okay - I may be struggling still but there was still a future! There was someone who cared about me, who would be beside me for the rest of my lifetime. He asked me to marry him. We were engaged for three. Years. We'd been dating for 10. I thought everything, despite all the shit happening to me, was going to be okay.

It wasn't.

I had landed some employment for the first time in 3 years. I was working more hours than advised by the psychologist who diagnosed me with Autism but I had no choice - I was literally on the minimum limit available to me, due to the barriers I still have to navigate to qualify for disability supports (again, from a government system that I no longer trusted and gave me the earnest impression that they preferred me dead than 'leeching off their system'). But I was not living. I couldn't handle even 15 hours a week, I was more exhausted than I'd ever been. I felt like a corpse. I spoke with my disability employment coordinator (no, despite what I said, being on disability EMPLOYMENT services does not qualify you getting onto disability support, just means the government will only hound me for a minimum of 15 hrs a week instead of 30 in order for social security, that's a whole other complicated thing) IN CONFIDENCE that I wasn't sure I could keep up with the current work format and hoped I could discuss some solutions. Next minute I find I'm locked out of the work facebook. I was fired, without warning and without protections because I was a casual. Because my employment coordinator told my boss before even discussing anything with me.

My relationship was suffering but I wasn't aware. I was too tired for intimacy, and probably two tired to see the signs. I'd gotten my Autism diagnosis at this point and maybe it was a bit difficult for my fiancée at the time to understand, but he came to terms with it. The ADHD assessment was booked. I had realized at this point pushing myself to be something I wasn't, thinking somehow landing work and earning money for myself would help the depression - it didn't. I was worse than I'd ever been. Then the moment came where I was handed a notice that the government would no longer give me any social security because my partner, on his meager chef's salary was earning too much. All because I'd tried to do the right thing by the government. I'd tried so hard to be good. I'd tried so hard to be ENOUGH.

I wasn't enough.

My fiancée came to me, my fiancée who I'd been talking to about our upcoming wedding plans now the pandemic was over, my fiancée who I'd been cuddling with on the couch last night watching films - he came to me when I was battered, and raw and broken and crying in bed - just said 'I can't do this anymore.' And that was it. It was done. As I processed it, I realised the root of it was, it was because I'd taken the mask off. I decided I wasn't going to try to be something I wasn't anymore, because I knew and it was backed up in countless studies - what I was doing was actively killing me. And he didn't want to deal with that. I wasn't enough, and yet I was too much.

It has been two years since then. My ADHD is medicated. I live in a stable, safe environment with my parents where I don't have to worry about my security. I have set firm boundaries that I learned while I was independent, and they respect them. But the wounds are still deep and it'll take a long time to recover, to get that trust in the world back.

When I look at Karlach, I see some of myself. Someone who has been used, abused and betrayed by those they trusted. Someone who felt abandoned by everything, that there was no hope, no way out. And yet in spite of it all - kept going. Who, deep in their heart kept something soft and safe. Held onto and protected what little shred of optimism left. Because if we don't practice kindness, who will? We want to be the kindness we want to see in the world, because fuck, have we seen so little of it. It is so easy to give up, to fall into despair when you've been through so much shit. It requires so much vigilance and energy and momentum to keep going, when you're wading through a battlefield of carnage and gore in your life, whether metaphorical or literal. We hold on and we are kind because we hope, one day, that kindness will touch us back. That despite it all we try our fucking hardest to wear a smile, and see the good in everything we can.

And I think that's why it hurts so much. Karlach is finally free. And happy. She feels loved. She's finally feeling some of that kindness again kindness that I know, that she knows she fucking deserves. And it's on a fucking time limit.

And that's what's fucking breaking me. I know she's supposed to be some kind of allegory for terminal illness. And I know this isn't my story. I know it's a story that is important to tell, and it will touch others in a different way. But for me it feels like all the wounds I've barely scabbed over are being ripped open again. Because this is not an ending she deserves at all. It makes me sit and wonder, is that all there is for people like us? Just brief windows of happiness in the pain until we die? Don't we deserve saving? Don't we deserve a happy ending? A peaceful one? Don't we deserve to wear that smile, that happiness without us having to fight for every second it with tooth and nail to keep it there? To believe in it?

I don't know the endings in detail for her. But i have seen enough in the vaguest sense to feel it won't be good, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I have played games with sad themes, like I know Cyberpunk isn't that great either - but I think the difference is who it is happening to. It's somehow easier when it's you, as the player. But when it's someone else? When you know that pain so fucking keenly you would rip yourself apart just to let them escape that hell, it's hard to stomach.

Then there's the disability angle that bothers me so much. Currently her options, as she puts it, are burning up and dying or going back to Avernus. I understand why she's choosing death, like, fuck man I do. Why is it always death though? Why is death better. Why can't she get a replacement heart? Make it shit! It can be a shitty heart that still works, but needs tune ups, and maybe she can't fight like she used to but she gets to fucking live a happy life! Because a shitty, happy life is better than nothing at all. Because as it goes, it feels to me I'm just being told it's easier to just die than submit to the suffering again whenever a piece of media picks an end like this. It's either the cure-all or death, there's never room for something in between. There's never room for making peace with what you have lost and still reclaiming some of your life, grieving what you have lost but still finding something worth having and holding onto. And when you're in that limbo state yourself, it's a hard pill to swallow. And it's hard to let anyone else fall into it.

We both deserve life. We both deserve happiness.

Fuck.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #karlach #ugh why did i have to get stupid for her #ok i know why i got stupid for her #you provide me muscled woman for once? I AM NOT TURNING DOWN A MEAL I AM STARVING FOR #just ugh some of this shit though is hitting too hard #this is long #ventpost #if anyone reads this entire thing and has finished BG3 and doesn't think I can handle it pls let me know #probably gonna drop the game like a hot potato #despite what I said about wanting to finish it badly #idk just got to the bit where she was talking to me about feeling scared and I just ... couldn't #depression tw #trauma tw #I hate that this entire spiel? yeah? This is the /short/ version of my deeplore ok #ngl the disability thing makes me wanna write to larian because I'm sick of this 'better off dead' message thrown at us all #we deserve some positive fucking rep for once #ableism tw #maybe idk #kerytalk #keryplays bg3

[arttuff]

Okay, so I've wanted to get top surgery for years, but I have no idea how to get it started? Do you just like, call up your doctor and be like "hey can you cut off my tits thx?" How did you get started? (And how much did it cost...) Hope this isn't too personal, thanks.

this is gonna be real informal cuz im just some dude im not a professional

here’s a super basic overview of how I went about it :) let me know if you have any questions anon! I’ll be happy to take a stab at answering

disclaimer is i live in australia so this is probably very specific to australia but if it helps, medicare (our public healthcare) didnt cover much except a couple hundred off the anaesthetist’s fee (but i wont include that in my estimate ily americans)

also this is just how i did it im sure everyone goes about it differently

but my first step was hrt (you dont need to go on hrt for top surgery but if you do it's recommended 6 months on testosterone before you get the surgery so you can get pecs goin beforehand and have more natural looking results. my pecs were juicy as hell by the time i got top surgery, so much so that my mum was surprised lol truly living up to my artstyle)

to do that i had to get a letter from my psychiatrist (this was covered by medicare) saying that i have a documented history of gender dysphoria and am mentally sane enough to seek treatment for it (this is just because of my medical history im pretty sure that not everyone has to do that plus you can look into informed consent)

with that letter of gender confirmation in your hot little hand you can then google around to find who it is you want to be doing your top surgery! i am so insanely lucky that i live in the biggest city in my country, meaning i had some good options. i settled on an award winning plastic/cosmetic surgeon that specialises in gender reassignment-- i love his results, and im so glad i went with him everything looks better than i expected it's so worth it!!!!

anyway once you choose a doctor you ring up and ask for a consultation-- this is not bulk billed but medicare can rebate a bit i think

thanks to covid all of the openings for consultations were full so i rang back once a week for 6 months (oh my god that's obsessive as fuck now that i put it together) until they had an opening

at the consultation you pretty much talk to your doc to let them know what you want, your identity, etc. im a nonbinary butch lesbian and i wanted some pecs but no nipple reconstruction (no nips no worries mate xx) and he made sure i was certain that's what i wanted and that i know the risks associated

the doc gives you an estimation and you decide whether you want to go through the public system (i think this is australia specific) and get put on a waiting list for 3+ years depending on demand, or do it privately (medicare, which everyone has, plust any private healthcare-- i have none)

i decided to go private because i do not think i could handle that wait, and ended up just being able to make it through with overtime at work heehee :) but good lord my wallet is starving

the cost is split up 3 ways between the doctor’s fees, the anaesthetist’s fees, and the hospital fees. there’s more expenses if you stay overnight at the hospital, so it’s better if you have someone to take you home and look after you

so all up i saved money in 2 places: the surgery itself was shorter because there was no nipple reconstruction, and i didn’t stay overnight so i didn’t have to pay that massive amount

all up my cost of surgery was around $11 000 aud (which is around usd $7 600) and the estimate he gave me was $14 000 aud ($9 600 usd) 

that’s a vague and rambly overview! let me know if there’s anything you’re confused about anon! or if there’s any questions you have about top surgery recovery etc :) remember i can only give my perspective from how it’s done in australia I’m sure it’s way different elsewhere in the world

#not art #sorry for the massive spam anon i hope this answers your top surgery questions #anonymous #ask #ask to tag my friends

[rowonlgc]

CHARACTER UPDATE 004 › RELATIONSHIPS

  “good to see you again,” rowon greets while taking his seat. much like before, he relaxes into the chair and opens up with an easy smile. “are you assigned to me, or am i just lucky to get you a second time?”

  when the topic of relationships comes up, his smile fades just a bit. ah, they’re gauging. it’s so clever how they word it – we just want to know a little more about you – that’s all they say, but that’s not what he hears. there’s this insinuation of wanting to foster a more positive connection where he should be comfortable enough to talk to them about anything. of course, we care – as if he isn’t an investment.

HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHO TO SPEND TIME WITH?

  truly the question of the hour. “i feel inclined to say family first and friends second, but if i’m to be honest, i go wherever i am needed. it doesn’t matter what our relationship is – be it family, friend, or fellow trainee – if you ask for my time, or if you’re in need of my company, i will be there for you.” half-truths. that is what he decides to run with. he typically does go to the ones who ask for him first, but he also has a priority list of those he’s willing to cancel plans for.

HOW DO YOU SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE FOR THEM?

  it’s an easy question with a difficult answer, and it’s not because he doesn’t know what to say – but because he knows precisely what to say. he’s thought about this time and time again, assessing and reassessing, changing his methods until something works. “i make an effort for them,” he answers after a few silent beats. “i make time, i make things happen, and i try to make their lives a little better by doing what i can to help out – errands, chores, that sort.” a pause. “i remember small details about them. their likes, dislikes, what drinks they order, what clothes they go for .. you wore the same blue sweater last time you interviewed me. it’s nice. moncler?”

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF ROMANCE?

  unconditional devotion. someone to take his side. someone to be with him through thick and thin – that is all he requires. he doesn’t ask for much else. “i’m a little delusional,” he admits. “i like to be swept away by the once upon a times and happily ever afters. the idea of love at first sight, finding that someone who’s made for me – that would be my ideal. makes me sound like a hopeless romantic, doesn’t it? except it’s not realistic. but maybe i can have something like that in a romance drama role. what do you think?”

IF YOU WERE IN NEED, WHO WOULD YOU TURN TO?

  he can choose to be vulnerable. it doesn’t hurt him all that much; pride isn’t his primary vice. “i don’t have anyone.” he breaks with a short, embarrassed laugh, his eyes lowering for a moment before trailing back up to meet the coach’s. “not in that sort of way. i do have people who i can depend on if i need a small favour. but some things – the more serious cases – i have to handle on my own. i .. i don’t want to be a burden to those around me. everyone has a limit to their patience.” who did he steal that line from? hm.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT TRULY LOVED BY SOMEONE?

  no – is his immediate reaction, but he reels it back with an early memory. “my mother,” he answers, the corners of his mouth a bit strained. “she had this journal dedicated to me when i was younger. it detailed everything from the foods i liked, to my favourite colours, to things i said that she found funny. a lot of it was meaningless, but it felt like she cared about every little thing i did and said and liked. .. now thinking about it, i suppose that’s where i got my ‘remembering small details’ from.” except the journal wasn’t about him.

  it was about them.

  

&

  “.. was how i answered. would you have said the same?”

  he peers up at his brother from the bedside, eyes keen. aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest, there hasn’t been any movement. it’s strange, because according to the nurses, robin’s eyes would move beneath his lids. his finger would occasionally twitch, and at times, she would even catch him crying. but rowon hasn’t seen any of this. he wonders if she’s only saying that to give him hope. how cruel.

  there’s a sunflower sitting on the windowsill, happily basking in the sun. he moves it to the nightstand by robin’s head, and it’s here that he takes a good look at his brother’s face. clean, pampered. seems like his parents have been here recently. a quiet hand drifts over the identical features, almost as if tracing what they share, and then he snaps his fingers abruptly.

  no reaction.

  he draws back.

  and as he leaves, he can be heard humming walking on sunshine on the way out. today is going to be a good day.

#lgc:cupdate004 #rw — solo.

[ariadnelives]

Chapter 6 — Cold Trail

Missed a chapter? Catch up here!!

Ghostrunner didn't remember her nightmare by the morning, only a general sense of dread remained. It was a dark cloud she was all too familiar with; she'd been haunted by the memory of the Nameless, and the fear of her return, for what seemed like an eternity. The unease was settled slightly when she awoke wrapped in the arms of her two favorite people in the world. She knew she was lucky— most people woke up from their nightmares alone.

Sasha remembered hers clearly. She'd had it once every few weeks. She knew she could never be free of the guilt.

“Ghostrunner?” She said quietly, hoping not to rouse Sweettalk.

“Yeah, Sash?”

“What do you do when you can't… let go of something in your past?” Sasha asked.

“I talk to someone about it,” she replied. “Trust me, it's not easy for me, but it's worth it. You wanna talk about something, Sash?”

Sasha sighed.

“I'm sorry,” Sasha said, “I shouldn't dump my stuff on you, especially. You've got enough to worry about, looking for leads on Nahomie. I'll handle it when we get back.”

Ghostrunner met Sasha's gaze. “Don't ever feel bad about letting me help you,” she squeezed Sasha's hand.

Sasha smiled. “I'm fine, I promise,” Sasha lied.

Sweettalk began to stir and yawned loudly. “Go back to sleep, both of you,” she said. “It's 6 AM.”

“It is decidedly not 6 AM,” Sasha corrected, and Sweettalk leaned over Ghostrunner to give her a long, sleepy kiss.

“Then just go back to sleep,” Sweettalk said. “We've got all day to unpack whatever emotional trauma makes you think it's okay to be up this early.”

“You heard the woman,” Ghostrunner said, and Sasha laughed. Sweettalk coiled her arms tightly around both of them and began to snore. The three of them drifted off for a few more hours.

***

“Okay, so,” Ariadne explained, “Xijing's public record systems are a joke. And that's why I… can't hack into them.”

Xijing was one of the few cities in the system which still maintained paper records, rather than a digital databank. This was endlessly frustrating to Ariadne, someone who had invested an immense amount of time, energy, and money into building digital infrastructure allowing her to hack into even the most secure networks, but had still not figured out a way to hack into a paper logbook housed millions of miles away.

“Is that why we came here?” Sweettalk asked, gesturing at the orphanage where she and Ghostrunner had met. It chilled her to the bone coming back here.

“Exactly, hon,” Ariadne said.

“You think there'll be some information on where Nahomie went in there?” Ghostrunner asked.

“I think there might be,” Ariadne explained, “and the best way to leave no stone unturned is to start turning over stones.”

“And you're sure it's… okay for us to do this?” Ghostrunner asked. “I mean, you heard what Nicks said about—”

“Upendo has a direct line to me,” Ariadne said, “and if there's even a hair out of place at the prison, she's sworn to notify us immediately. Fastwing's ship can get us there in under 20 minutes.”

“It's amazing, it hasn't changed at all,” Sweettalk said. “A little worse for the wear, but otherwise, it's just… some abandoned orphanage”

“Why would it have changed?” Ariadne asked. “The people who ran the place are all in prison and there's nothing inside worth stealing.”

“You'd think someone would've bought the property by now, though, right?” Sweettalk asked.

“Someone did,” Ariadne said. “Someone who was motivated to invest in a monument to what happens to people who exploit the vulnerable.”

“Ah,” Sweettalk said. “Well, it's good they did, whoever they are. It means there's probably still some records inside.”

Ariadne nodded. “We'll let you guys check here. You know the lay of the land better. Me and Spacebreather are gonna see what we can get from the local law.”

“You're gonna talk to the cops?” Sasha asked.

Ariadne smiled. “Nope. Good luck!”

Ariadne and Spacebreather disappeared down an alley, leaving Ghostrunner, Sweettalk, and Sasha to investigate the orphanage.

“You girls ready?” Sasha asked.

“Really never thought I'd come back here,” Ghostrunner replied, and got to work picking the lock.

“Hoped, really,” Sweettalk corrected. “Let's get in and out as fast as we can. I don't want to be here any longer than we have to.”

The three of them slipped through the door and into a building that smelled like it had evolved its own unique species of mold. They silently worked their way up to the records room and immediately noticed that the door had, at one time, been kicked in. They opened the door and were immediately taken aback to see how much dried blood coated the walls and floor.

“You're sure she left the owners alive?” Ghostrunner asked Sasha.

“Just barely, looks like,” Sasha said. “Come on. Let's get what we need and get out of here.”

Ghostrunner pried the lock off a file cabinet and found her own file. “No file for her… makes sense, she never lived here. But me… Fils-Aimé, Corantine! Here we go,” she read out from her file. “Parents killed in vehicle accident… behavioral problems, that's a riot… Ah, here we go. One sister, Nahomie, placed for adoption…”

Ghostrunner trailed off.

“What?” Sasha asked.

Ghostrunner furrowed her brow.

“Ghostrunner, what is it?”

“Honey, we can't help you if you don't tell us,” Sweettalk said. “What does it say?”

“It doesn't say anything,” Ghostrunner said. “'Placed for adoption,' that's all. That's fucking it!”

Ghostrunner threw the file against the wall. It didn't make the amount of noise she wanted it to, so she grabbed the file cabinet and upended it. That was more satisfying.

“What kind of fucking orphanage was this piece of shit goddamn fucking shit FUCK!” Ghostrunner shrieked, leaving Sweettalk and Sasha speechless. They had never heard this sort of language from Ghostrunner before. “I'm sorry,” she said, “I just… being here, and then there's fucking nothing in my file. I didn't expect to find much, but I got my hopes up that we'd find something.”

“It's okay,” Sasha said. “It's like Ari said. This is just the first stone we're turning. And we're not going to stop.”

They went through the remainder of the orphanage and found nothing. Ghostrunner swallowed her disappointment and they resolved to hope Ariadne and Spacebreather had better luck stealing some old records at the police station.

They were about halfway to the rendezvous point when Ghostrunner noticed.

“I just remembered something,” Ghostrunner said, “You guys go ahead. Tell the big boss I'll meet her at Chicken Ricky's, and order me a number six.”

“Roger,” both Sasha and Sweettalk replied, and continued down the street. Of course, they had understood the message right away. Any reference to “the big boss” notified all Whiptails to listen for further coded instructions. “Chicken Ricky's” indicated that they were being tailed, and “order me a number six” informed them to pretend to leave Ghostrunner alone in order to draw the tail out, then circle back and take down the tail in the event of an attack.

Luckily for them, these codes were not known to their tail, who waited until Sasha and Sweettalk were out of sight to emerge from the shadows.

“Who are you?” Ghostrunner asked, without turning to face her.

“I could ask you the same question,” said her tail, with a raspy, high-pitched voice.

Ghostrunner turned to face her. “I saw you at the Buchanan job, and back at the bar. You've been following me at least since New Jersey. I think you know who I am. Who are you, and why are you following me?”

The woman in the alley was wearing a cloak that covered her face, and gloves that covered her hands. She was small, and looked like she might dart away at any moment. The way she moved was unnatural, a bit unsettling, and almost hypnotic.

“The truth is,” she rasped, “I don't know who you are. That's usually easy for me to figure out, but you… you and your friends… No record of you anywhere. No facial recognition. It's like someone's scrubbed you from history. You're ghosts.”

“And what's that make you?” Ghostrunner asked, “Ghost hunter?”

“That's just the thing,” said the cloaked woman. “That's why I took an interest in you. I've been… watching for years. At the bar in Jersey, you're the first person who was watching back. The world isn't a very kind place when I'm noticed, so I had to know if you were a threat to me.”

“I am.” Ghostrunner said flatly. “I don't like people taking notice of me either, so let me make this crystal fucking clear to you: don't let me catch you following me again, or I'll make sure you never have to worry about being noticed, because nobody will ever find your body.”

“No, you're no threat to me,” she explained. “I happened to overhear what you were looking for, back at the old orphanage. Like I said, I'm something of an expert in watching people.” The hooded woman reached into the folds of her coat and placed something at her own feet, far enough away that Ghostrunner wouldn't mistake it for a weapon. “Even better at tracking them down.”

Ghostrunner stared at the small plastic envelope on the ground. It was definitely too small to contain a bomb. “What the hell are you getting at here?”

“A gesture of goodwill,” she said, “I understand how bad this all looks, and I wouldn't trust me either. I hope this does a little towards changing that, Corantine.”

Ghostrunner's hand went to her pistol.

“Relax,” the cloaked woman said, “I'm not that good a spy. I was there in the bar when that waitress butchered your name. Of course, I didn't know it was your real name until you panicked just now, but—”

“You want me to trust you?” Ghostrunner asked, “you tell me your name, too.”

“I am Vigil,” she said.

“Nope, try again,” Ghostrunner said. “Real name. Full name.”

“That's both,” Vigil replied. “I really hope this helps. If you need me… well, I'm sure I'll find you.”

“I— wait!” Ghostrunner said, but it was like Vigil disappeared into thin air. This was someone even better at hiding than Ghostrunner, and that terrified her as much as it fascinated her.

Sweettalk's voice buzzed in her ear. “We've lost visual! Ghostrunner, what the hell was that about?”

Ghostrunner put a finger to her earpiece. “No idea,” she said, and picked up the small parcel. “but I'm sure this is worth looking into, no matter what.”

“Whatever it is will have to wait,” Spacebreather's voice cut in. “Get back to the ship on the double. Triple, even. Upendo just called. The Prison is under attack.”

[traumatizeddfox]

Hi there - I’ve followed your blog for a while now, as I’ve been through some horrific abuse in my life and I can relate to the things you post.

I’m having a really horrible night after a week of just straight up not having a good time. I don’t really have anyone I can reach out to so I hope it’s okay that I vent here. I am not asking you, Dear Stranger, to fix any of the things I’m struggling with- I simply want someone in this world to see the depths of the pain I am in. You don’t have to read this or respond if you don’t want to.

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and the distress I am in is absolutely intolerable. All of the non-harmful coping mechanisms I know aren’t working and I’m frightened. I want to off myself so bad. I want to turn back to SH. I want to find someone to beat me half to death because that’s all I deserve.

I hate myself so much. I���m two-years-free of the the abuse I experienced and now I have a beautiful home, a dog who is the goodest girl in the whole world, a partner who is kind and compassionate and gentle, and a community of people who care for me deeply. I’m sober, I’ve been in therapy basically all my life (I’ve been working with my current therapist for three years), I’ve found the right meds. I thought I was far enough into recovery that my ED isn’t an issue. I’m doing everything within my power to stay healthy and to care for myself and yet… I’m broken. My brain is a cruel, dark cage that I pace within, all anger and venom and grief.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me at this point. No matter what I do, my mental health isn’t getting better. I have all of these wonderful blessings in my life yet I’m suicidal. I don’t know how to continue like this. The pain is intolerable. I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of trying everything and nothing working long-term. I’m only 25 years old, and I cannot imagine living like this for a full lifetime. I am in so much fucking pain and I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like a horrible person. I feel so much shame for being fucked up beyond repair.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not at a point where I am actually going to make a plan and follow through, so I’m not “bad” enough for inpatient. I went inpatient multiple times before after my many suicide attempts and I’m not in need of that level of care. Yet, the level of care my therapist and psychiatrist can offer isn’t enough. I feel like I’m stuck in this in-between place, where I desperately need help before i get worse (because I know where this leads and I’m going to get worse if this keeps going). It doesn’t seem like there’s help for people like me, people who are doing the therapeutic work, who are sober and on the right medication, and have been working towards recovery and mental-illness management since they were children, who have been lucky enough to be able to utilize every resource this fucked up American system can offer, yet are still suicidal. I don’t feel like there’s any hope for me at this point.

I know that when my parents die, I’m going to kill myself.. Because reasons, I can’t work enough to afford to live on my own (my parents help me financially) and when they die, I’m not going to be able to support myself. I also can’t qualify for anything like disability because I can keep a job (part-time, minimal hours but it’s not enough to support me long-term). I won’t be able to afford my medication or therapy without insurance. If I go off my meds, that’s it, I’m as good as dead. Literally, being on my medication right now is the one thing separating me from life or death. If I go off my meds, I will kill myself, full stop. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

I don’t want to hurt my parents and my partner and leave my sweet dog all alone by killing myself, but I’m so fucking scared I’m going to get worse and I won’t be able to handle it anymore. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just want this fucking pain to end. I want this to be over. Please, why can’t this just be over? I’m doing everything I can and it’s not enough. I’m still suffering to an intolerable extreme, all because of my stupid fucked up BPD traumatized brain. I’m so fucking done.

i’m so sorry angel :( i wish i could help you feel better, i really do. It’s hard when we have good things happening but still feel like shit :( it happens and healing isn’t linear. there will be bad days and there will be good days and then there will just be days. i really wish i could say more :(

#anon

[sleuthy-scientist]

Dead Men Don't Talk

*Just a quick, random one shot I wrote about a letter Douglas Bailey leaves for Emily.

Hope it's not too out of character I have only watched the first 2 episodes of this season.

Enjoy🙃*

Emily,

I am such an idiot and I know you will never forgive me when you find out the truth. That someone like you would ever be able to trust me again. I hate knowing I will disappoint you and cause you pain.

You were right, you have been right every step of the way. The things your theorized, the decisions you profiled. You Emily Prentiss are amazing.

I wish I had been brave enough to go against my orders from above. That I had listened to your insight instead of believe my own inexperienced opinions.

Obviously if you are reading this I am dead. I can guarantee you its through no fault of your own. I've seen firsthand how much you care and empathize, the dedication and effort you put forth.

You gave me the benefit of the doubt, you kept giving me chances to listen to you and make the right choices, follow the proper strategies to end this.

I thought I knew better, that I could handle it, that I had everything under control. I thought I saw the big picture and all the little details needed to make the FBI more efficient. But I was wrong, I got trying to translate my knowledge and skills where they didn't belong. I focused on the stupid details, listened to the wrong people, instead of who and what really mattered.

I know how this story ends for me, and I don't want you to feel guilty or place blame on yourself. I know without a doubt in my mind you did everything you possibly could to save me. That when people are in danger, you try and save everyone, even those not worth saving.

You will beat Sicarius, bring down his network and allies. I know because that's who are. You are a good person Emily, you will outwit him. You truly encompass and surpass the qualities the FBI stands for. I have never met anyone like you. Anyone so selfless, loyal, brave, strong, smart, gorgeous, and funny.

I get it now, why the rest of the BAU admires you so much. The are lucky to have you, you are a credit to your profession. You deserve to be the director of the FBI, to be running the show. Because you know how who people are and what they need. You don't put your ego and opinions above what is right or just.

You never wanted the accolades, attention, or applause and appreciation. You just wanted to make the world a better and safer place. I hate that you didn't get the credit you deserved and were used as a scape goat for the things you had no hand in. You should never have been used like that, by anyone. I know you don't want or need it, but I hope you get the credit and recognition you've more than earned.

Knowing you was everything. I can't believe what a dick I was to you. The political bullshit I used to believe was right and necessary. The way I tried to strong arm you without giving you the resources you needed and deserved to do your job.

I learned my lesson the hard way, I hope the Attorney General and other higher ups don't have to. I hope they finally listen to what you have to say and can take their own biases, egos, and selfishness out of the equation. You and your team are the ones with the knowledge and experience needed most now.

I didn't understand before what you and your people do. What your jobs entail, how you all manage to handle the ugly violence you deal with everyday. To be strong and brave enough to look evil in the eye and stop it. To try and get something resembling justice for those left behind.

I'm sorry Emily for this, for that, for everything I can't explain to you. I'm glad atleast if I'm dead I won't be there to see you lose you faith in me. You believed in me, and saw me in a way no body ever has before. You thought I was a better man than I gave myself credit for.

I hope my death isn't in vain, that it makes amends for my actions and helps you end this madness. That you get the bad guy. My greatest desire is that you find love and happiness for yourself. You deserve the world Emily, I wish I had been a better man to be able to give it to you.

Sincerely,

Douglas

P.S. For what it's worth, I stand with you Emily and the decisions you make going forward. I know they will be the right ones.

#spoilers #criminal minds #emily prentiss #douglas bailey