#i am just so deeply sad

[miketownsends]

i found blaseball in season 3.

the very end of season 3, and i remember i only found it because one of the NITW creators tweeted something along the lines of “ok i’ll bite what’s blaseball” and i went “what IS blaseball?” and i Googled it and suddenly there i was

i picked the Garages because i always have been and always will be a Seattlite at heart - i remember briefly deliberating over the Tacos (who were just the LA Tacos at the time!) and a couple other teams, but the Seattle pull was too strong

i remember that i joined either very late on Saturday or very early on Sunday - it was post the s3 finals because i remember seeing the Tigers as the s3 champions, but it was pre-election because i remember casting my lone vote for Eat the Rich

but this was RIGHT before the first siesta, and i had no idea what the timeline of a season looked like, and i went “well i guess i’ll check back in later” and then basically completely forgot about it for the next couple weeks and might’ve forgotten forever if i hadn’t seen another tweet from someone when it came back.

i remember watching my very first game on the bus to work. i think i must’ve missed the first day of games, i think it must’ve been a Tuesday, because i caught the bus at like 7am and i remember seasons not starting until 8am on Mondays. i watched the Garages play the Crabs (Garages lost). i remember falling in love with Avila Guzman and Allison Abbott and Malik Destiny (pre-catboyification!) based on nothing but vibes because i didn’t know anything about blaseball lore, i didn’t even know blaseball HAD lore. i think i found the Discord later that day, and i remember the Avila-Farrell feedback happening right around the time i joined the Discord.

i got my best friend into it at the same time and it turned into a hyperfixation for both of us. i remember sitting in their living room watching the finals for s4 while our partners sat by slightly befuddled by this thing that had suddenly taken over our lives.

i moved a couple hours away for grad school at the beginning of Sept 2020 and it was possibly the most miserable time of my life. i was lucky enough to be with family at least, but i was away from my now-husband and because of COVID everything was online and i am NOT a person who does well with online courses - when i had applied in fall of 2019 i had obviously assumed everything would be in-person. i had multiple meltdowns the first few months and blaseball was often the only bright spot.

the Jaylen necromancy, oh man. i remember when i first started looking up our lore and went “i missed out on a player named Jaylen Hotdogfingers????” she loomed so large over the Garages those first few seasons. her death kind of set the tone for us, especially as we kept losing players - every team wanted to fight the gods, but it felt so viscerally PERSONAL. and then one day i opened the website and saw her on the idol board with the little flaming skull next to her name.

i cannot even begin to describe the chaos i walked into when i opened the Discord and went to the Garages channel. it was just something you had to be there for. i was IMMEDIATELY team necromancy, because what was blaseball all about if not slamming big red buttons? and i figured if we didn’t, someone else would, so it might as well be us. a lot of folks felt the same. some didn’t. my mom called me at one point and asked me why i was talking about necromancy on Twitter. the Garages, obviously, decided to go for it. we had to try.

and at the same time, the Garages, somehow, were finally becoming a decent team. we made the playoffs for the first time in season 6. Jaylen’s final words, as per lore, were “we’ve just gotta make it to the playoffs.” we swept the Pies and Tigers - both former 2 time champions - to get to the finals. Mike Townsend, he who lived always in Jaylen’s shadow, threw out the first pitch of the first game of the finals. the Crabs swept us but we didn’t care. we had made it to the playoffs. we could do ANYTHING. we could bring our star pitcher back. and we did.

god, i’m just telling stories now, but to be fair blaseball is nothing BUT stories. i remember i spent a lot of that weekend in bed sleeping and crying because i was so depressed, but i pulled myself out of it enough to watch the election results roll in. to see Jaylen come home. to see Mike truly relegated to Jaylen’s shadow.

on Ruby Tuesday i was busy trying to unpack my room with my mom’s help. i took a break to check in on blaseball. games weren’t running even though they should’ve been. i scrolled through the game feed until i hit the Tigers-Moist Talkers game and realized just what we’d done, what Jaylen’s debt truly meant.

i didn’t always remember to watch the playoffs if the Garages weren’t in them, but i was watching when the Shoe Thieves reverse-swept the Crabs and were launched into a boss battle. Jaylen pitching against the puppets of a God. (the results of the Snackrifice.)

i cried when Jaylen went back to the Hall, even though i was sure her story wasn’t done. (and it wasn’t.)

the s11 finals between the Beams and Garages was one of the most emotionally draining things i’ve ever been through. we KNEW the Beams had us beat but the Sun 2/Black Hole shenanigans kept us holding on. i cried when we finally lost. and then the Keepers opened up the eternal concert in the Discord, and for hours there were hundreds of us packed in there, listening to Garages songs that sounded like you were hearing them played at a dive bar down the street because the quality was so bad and “singing” along, and eventually Get Normal came up, and everyone had been waiting for it, and. i don’t know. god, i cried so much. something about that moment of connection. something about the closest to a concert i’d experienced in a year. something about knowing it was the literal end of an era.

i don’t even know where to start with expansion. yeah it was an exhausting mess. my hyperfixation fucking LOVED it. i may have to do an expansion era retrospective/ramble separately because this is already too damn long, and expansion was SO much. for now i’ll just say that i will carry the way the Garages handled the final season of expansion with me for the rest of my life. it was so… poignant. watching us cling to our philosophy of “the Garage is always open” even though we KNEW we were inviting our own potential destruction through the door. choosing containment because we refused to save ourselves at the expense of the league but we could at least make sure the damage started and ended with us. making a beeline for the Hall because at the end of it we just wanted to go see our friends one more time.

i’ve mentioned this before, but when we melted the Coin i was at a minor league baseball game. it was the first game i had been to in probably four or five years and it was the first time i can remember actively CARING about baseball as an adult. i work for that minor league team now and i absolutely would not be doing that if not for blaseball.

god. i’m so, so sad. i will miss blaseball for the rest of my life. what a weird little piece of the internet i was blessed to partake in.

#blaseball #this is so long i am so sorry #i am just so deeply sad #i'm still not even sure it's fully hit me #i don't know when it will

[elialys]

"You know, I am a fucking disaster. But I'm also relentless. And I'm loyal. I think we can make you a newsreader."

THE NEWSREADER | 1.01 "Three, Two, One..."

#Anna Torv #Sam Reid #Helen Norville #Dale Jennings #The Newsreader #Helen x Dale #helendale #this episode is everything #as a writer i am IN LOVE with the storytelling #the way this episode makes you care so deeply about those two in less than an hour is incredible #incredible writing & incredible performances #incredible cinematography too everything about this show is so pretty #those two are so damn precious I WILL DIE ON THAT HILL #disastrous lonely people finding each other is one of my biggest weaknesses and i regret nothing #gifs* #mine #listened to half an audiobook making this & had the time of my life tbh #just sad that it looks so bad on mobile but ah well 🫠

[30-3am]

i have convinced myself that i know james hetfield personally. i have convinced myself that he talks about me in interviews. i am convinced that i am next to him in every photo of him ever.

i'm also convinced i'm sane.

#alana's thoughts #metallica #james hetfield #papa het #just a tad concerning #that sometimes i expect to see me mentioned when james is mentioned #i expect to open comments on an edit #and they're all like #alana is so lucky 😍😍 #and am deeply disappointed when i do not see those comments #i see interviews or silly videos of him #and instantly i wonder how i can incorporate myself into it #don't even get me started on the maladaptive dreaming #that's a whole other kettle of fish #that sometimes makes me so gut-wrenchingly sad when i realise i am not actually talking to james hetfield #it's fine. #i'm fine.

[theriverbeyond]

relistening to HtN rn and it really hits me how many moments of fun and hooting/hollaring there were in both GtN and HtN (even desite the latter's overcurrent of grief&disorientation) and how... absent those feelings were (in me as a reader) throughout NtN. like..... comparing the pure rush of Gideon returning in HtN, vs the uncomfortable, uneasy, uncanny valley feeling of first seeing Kiriona in NtN. the elation at realizing the narrator in HtN was Gideon, and the... dread? sadness? grief? of Nona realizing she's Alecto. GtN's "go loud" and its victory versus NtN's "go loud" and its grief (again) and weight.

#idk idk. ive read nona like 2.5 x now not counting rereading small parts for reference and im just....... @ tor books this book is SAD!!!! #it's sad in a way that is so fucking desolate #and i think maybe bc it was split off alecto and therefore doesnt have its conclusion #or maybe bc this series is Supposed To Be like this and i just dont get it or w/e #the vibes reminded me deeply of the red rising series ngl. #anyway again not a complaint just like observation on the tonal shift and thinking about #what that means for AtN #ntn spoilers #trb.txt #tlt thoughts #sighs. as always worried about if i am enjoying things in the Correct Way or not. ntn is a masterwork of XYZ literary things im not #learned enough to articulate but idk. etc etc etc #and not to say there werent funny parts obviously but the general vibe was brutal #still thinking about it all.......

[smile-files]

i think the main issue in arguing with zionists is that, well, they believe in zionism! if israel did deserve to exist, then the genocide and injustice in palestine could be argued for (not like it should be, but it certainly could) -- and zionists believe israel deserves to exist.

i, unfortunately, have a large amount of experience interacting (personally) with zionism and zionists. most of those i've talked to feel for the palestinians, and the violence they are facing, but they fail to realize (or they staunchly deny) the very, very active part israel and the IDF have had in that -- and how it's representative of what the nation has always done.

at the same time, they focus more on israeli hostages than palestinian ones -- and i know, of course, that these zionist jews i've interacted with are either israeli or have loved ones in israel, and so have a very personal stake in the safety of israeli hostages (which may very well be friends or family members), but i find it strange how much emphasis they put on hamas' cruelty in taking hostages while the IDF is doing the same thing (in essence; the exact details of who's doing it worse are important to note, but not relevant right now, because folks should realize that their side is being at least as cruel as the enemy's).

recently i was drawn into an argument with an israeli zionist (who, unfortunately, is very close to the action and tragedy by being israeli), and she was incredibly offended by my anti-zionism and my opposition to israel's abject cruelty to palestinian citizens, as it seemed (to her) like i was bypassing the cruelty hamas has enacted on israeli citizens -- which is very telling. i've noticed that we as jews have the tendency, whatever the situation may be, of focusing more on our pain than the pain of others, even if we are the ones hurting them. that person has every reason to be scared and hurt, and i'd be lying if i said her response wasn't at least somewhat sympathetic, but her pain in this horrible, violent conflict does not invalidate the pain on the other side. jews, throughout this recent crisis, have consistently not talked in depth about the constant losses in palestine -- am i suddenly being callous by focusing on those losses, and not our own? (YOUR PAIN AND THEIRS AREN'T MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, YOU DOLT! sorry...)

because it all comes down to believing in israel! my mom has always told me about how beautiful it is there, about her time living on a kibbutz... and sure, it might be nice. i can't argue with that. but why is it that our nationalism for israel is so strong, so virulent? i have not seen patriots as loyal for any other country. and when you criticize israel, israelis feel like you're criticizing their entire existence -- and many non-israeli jews do, as well. because zionism has been built so deep into the modern religion! it's made to be a necessary piece! belief in it is the default!

and, from the inside looking in, i can't be surprised that many jews take anti-zionism as being antisemitic -- because, to them, israel and zionism stand as the pinnacle of safety and support for the jewish people. it is impossible to argue with them about anything above that base layer, as the base layer itself serves as a foundation: so long as a jew thinks that israel is right, deserved, and necessary, no proof will sway them into hating israel. it's just impossible, and that's very frustrating.

for me in particular, i find it very frustrating, as this single idea has turned so many people i know to support a genocidal entity. they believe in and support israel, so they stand with it now -- even if they condemn its current actions, they neglect how those actions are just an extension of its inherent existence -- whether they think israel's doing the right thing or wrong thing right now, they don't really care at the end of the day, because israel, to them, is necessary in keeping the jewish people alive. they stand with it, thinking that jews can only stand at all if they do.

but a genocidal crutch is no crutch at all: it only breaks us more. zionist jews make me so mad, and the worst part is that i could never express that to them in a way they'll understand.

#melonposting #anti-zionism #israel #i am so madddd and frustrated and stressed #with the whole camp thing going on my parents will inevitably find out (and soon!) that i'm anti-zionist #and given their age and proximity -- they're so deeply entrenched in zionism that i can't even hope to sway them #it's so sad and scary (i don't want them to be mad at me -- even though that really isn't the important thing here) #but it's also philosophically bizarre... like these people have good principles! #it's just this one tiny stupid thing (believing in israel) that's effectively turned them into bad people! #<- it's weird saying something like that. because i don't think they're bad people. but they're zionist. #part of it is that they're my parents and i love them but also... they're so good otherwise. a single thing went wrong. #(okay well not a single thing but it's generally minute things y'know?) #i don't wanna hate my parents. and i don't want them to hate me. can they please for the love of god stop #(takes every jew i know by the shoulders and shakes them back and forth) PLEAAAASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOPPPPPPP #anyway it's very hard for me to do work because i have this on my mind. #how do i break it to my parents that 1. i won't be working at camp this summer and 2. it's because i hate zionism? #i'm not cut out for situations like these ughhhhh why did i have to post that stupid anti-zionist instagram story in march #i could've just chosen not to take the job on my own accord and have enough time to come up with an excuse for my parents #whatever. too late for that. i dug my grave and now must lie in it #i guess it's character-building?? :')

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

#(i'm fine) #(personally) (mostly) (really) #this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals #and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that... #...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once #including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that #and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died #and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal #which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting #and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing #desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird #always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/ #and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were #so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile #but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had #and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair #to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly* #and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful #i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why... #...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating #it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible #and feeling that way is 100% sane #and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple #for meaning and for ideas of what to do #so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things #and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days #often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control #and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being... #...at least a sliver about ME and my little world #about me

[honeyonaspoon]

Everyone talking about how happy Gerry sounds like y'all don't know damn well RQ is setting us up to get our hearts carved out with grapefruit spoons

#i am just deeply suspicious of a sweet relatively happy cast #everyones gonna be so sad #tmagp

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[seilon]

please don’t by k.will did more for the gays back in 2012 than any boy group can possibly do with fan service and crop tops in 2024

#do young kpoppies know about please don’t by k.will. im serious do they know #I think about it a lot #it’s impossible to replicate the feeling of being gay and watching that mv in the 2010s and just getting bodyslammed by the ending. #like he really just dropped that shit in TWENTY TWELVE #kibumblabs #to this day I think that’s the most explicitly gay mv ive seen in kpop by an established artist #(ie not holland. no shade to him but he kinda built his platform on being an openly gay artist and he’s not a big industry name or anything #which makes the impact significantly different. if that makes sense. anyway.) #like think about any other example. almost all of them can be brushed off as fan service or are at least vague enough to be #up for interpretation #please don’t’s ending is nearly fucking impossible to write off as anything but explicitly gay #no fanservice involved. no vague staring in each other’s eyes. just straight up Oh He’s Not Jealous Of His Friend He’s Jealous Of His #Friend’s Fiancé. oh #like that’s the whole point. interpreting it any other way doesn’t make sense with the impact it’s purposefully supposed to make #like seriously try to say ‘he’s just sad he’s losing his friend to marriage :(‘ or something. you have to be REAL fucking stupid or #deeply in denial to make that argument let alone believe it #anyway. I appreciate this mv a lot #k.will the OG of doomed yaoi in kpop #kill me #closest contender off the top of my head is one more day by sistar #also note I am talking about mvs here not songs in general #cause if I were talking about songs in general. key’s out there pretty much writing about gay sex at this point so I mean #k.will #kpop #only adding actual tags because I want you to watch this mv if you haven’t already

[skymagpie]

Do you ever think about Cordana Felsong and how much she loved and cared for Khadgar, always respectfully calling him "Archmage" until he began losing himself in his pursuit of Gul'dan and she had to shout out "Khadgar!" to make him stop torturing Garona. And even though Khadgar saw the error of his way right afterwards, he did not realize that the damage he had done to Cordana's trust in him was irreparable and he still took her for granted, which opened up her mind to Gul'dan's possession and inevitable fall and death. Khadgar is aware this is his fault, yet he did nothing to try and mend it. She became collateral damage in his fight against Gul'dan. Cordana was good and she wanted to believe in his goodness, but ultimately Gul'dan got to her doubts and no one helped her fight him. I love Cordana and I will never not feel bad for what happened to her.

#khadgar #cordana felsong #i just did vault of the wardens and I am so sad #legit love her #i can't say khadgar did this deliberately but Honey He is A Man #he had his whole fight with gul'dan and he did care for her #like he did deeply care for her #he just didn't think anything is wrong or to check until it went wrong #this is not blame on khadgar this is just a tragedy of circumstances where everyone did the best they knew how

[jonny-b-meowborn]

I wish Road 96 had a game mode where you can just replay specific scenes without having to replay the whole game. Maybe like, if you achieve all endings, or the best ending, you'd unlock that scene mode. Or like, a mode where you go through one specific character's story, having all of their scenes in a row. And yes this wish is 100% motivated by my love for Jarod and my desire to replay his scenes over and over. Of course it is

#i wanna see all the dialogue and all the deaths without having to deal with fanny and zoe in the meantime #fanny is a cop so ibv im not a big fan of her #and zoe isnt a bad character shes just annoying #but also id replay stan and mitch scenes over and over #because i love them a lot too #i know im mainly thirsting over the Sad Gun Taxi Man but i am also deeply in love witb the Dumb Robbers #and that mode would be really cool also bc some scenes are kinda rare #i know its all random but still i played this entire game four times and there are scenes ive seen only once #road 96 #bee buzz

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[guccigarantine]

maybe it’s just because I am someone who regularly cries in art museums but I will never understand people who just walk up to a very old and very famous paintings and take a picture of it and move on like if you just wanted a picture of it on your phone you could have looked it up online dude you have the opportunity to see the actual thing in its physicality right in front of you and you’re not even going to look at it for more than a second? this painting is from another time and place entirely and has survived longer than any of us will ever live and you won’t even spend any amount of time with it? you’re not even going to read the title and caption? you came to a museum specifically to look at art why aren’t you looking at the art?

#this sounds deeply unhinged even to me right now but like it’s true #idk it makes me sad! #I went to the van gogh exhibit that’s at the met right now and saw starry night for the first time and started crying bc that’s what I do #and someone shoved their way in front of me to take a picture of it and then just left #like I’m having a moment here dude and you’re not even gonna spend any time with it #idk everyone is different but I do believe that if you came to an art museum on purpose #you should try and appreciate the art even if it’s not you’re thing #I am currently having a manic episode and having a hard time articulating myself so be nice to me fjfjfjfjfkfkjjfjf #im gonna delete this later

[soldier-poet-king]

Yes I DID inexplicably make myself sad again

#franposting #how did i do it??? I DONT EVEN KNOW #i was working. listening to mbmbam. ate lunch #now im just DESOLATE AND EMPTY #BITCH WHY????? #ahhhh #after work i am going to go pick up my library holds. then lay outside in the insane heat #normally after work i have such limited time i dont lounge outside #but im SO sad #maybe intense sun will help #sorry to my skin care friends i will probably forgo sunscreen #just for an hour. to absorb it. and feel better #i swear it helps #smthn is DEEPLY wrong with me. oops

[lolliepops-rox]

I will never get over the fact how incredibly isolated Dirk was. Literally the only living thing for MILES was fish & sea gulls. Half of the kids grew up without a guardian, but Jade had Bec, Roxy had the carapacians, Jake had the tinkerbulls (possibly other lusii?) and spoke fondly of his grandma before batterwitch killed her.

But Dirk had nothing. Dirk was so sick of being alone that he cloned himself, and then realised he STILL only had himself for company.

And let's not forget the fact he was attacked by drones regularly. That he was literally fighting for his life. That people talk about & draw Dave's scars. But dirk would be covered in them too. Both for them were forced to fight for their life on that damm roof top.

Dirk is so deeply unstable. To act calm and collected about killing yourself, then kissing your dead friends. That's not someone with a normal sense of self, a normal sense of life. After the game it would take Dirk decades to deal with everything wrong with him.

Bitter isolation and the constant looming threat of death does not make for one healthy man.

#im sorry i am always just so unwell about the fact dirk had nothing but the robots he built #dirk strider #if u disagr33 i kind do wanna hear ur thoughts #i fucking love meta #cw sui mention #from and outside perspective i f33l incredible sadness about dirk and how lonely he would of b33n #then the part of my brain that kins dirk turns on; then its just bitter self loathing #i think dirk is a tragic character but i could never love him; because i dont love myself; and dirk could never love himself; and im dirk #i could never explain how much i HATE that dirk is one of my major kins #there is something deeply with him(me)/me(him) #bwah bwah bwah heart players man -holds up meulin- i am so normal #homestuck #talking lollie

[thespiritualsolarsystem]

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#am I bugging or? #by observation I’m realizing that mercurials are so bodily oriented #versus martians I think mars ppl legit have body dysmorphia but their lowkey genius’ it just goes unnoticed #both are good with wordplay too #I just feel like I respect them in different way + I get along with mercurials more #maybe the conversations and unstable emotions? who gnos ha #martians are supportive and funny as hell tho #but I think I can’t relate to their soft on the inside tough on the exterior personality #+ I can’t relate to the way they express emotions but I can relate to their perfectionist qualities #I love moon women #I respect Saturn women #to an extent cause they a lil much esp UB #but those two ruled planets are usually my closest friends #us Venusian women are usually competing against each other lmfaooo subtlety #us Ketu women are unmatched and deeply misunderstood/intelligent #Rahu women I have no comment sorry but very intoxicating and trendsetters nonetheless I give yah props #lastly us Jupiter women (mind you I have a small %) are usually underestimated/looked over/ or overestimated #but very generous energetically and easily taken advantage of it’s sad #moon women also get taken advantage of with their loyalty/devotion #mahavidyas #why I forgot about sun women?? 😭