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#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once
chainofclovers
·
6 months
Text
Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death
#(i'm fine)
#(personally) (mostly) (really)
#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals
#and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...
#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once
#including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that
#and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died
#and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal
#which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting
#and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing
#desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird
#always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/
#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were
#so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile
#but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had
#and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair
#to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*
#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful
#i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...
#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating
#it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible
#and feeling that way is 100% sane
#and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple
#for meaning and for ideas of what to do
#so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things
#and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days
#often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control
#and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...
#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world
#about me
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