#i am actively avoiding study rn

[straykats]

.

#kats personal #literally losing my shit rn #how do i manage these two group assignments and my 4 lectures and my case study assignment i hsvent started #AND all the miseed lab activities #i mean okay the latter can be a next week problem #but everything else is a this week problem and i am just sosososoososososososososo tired #like we wanting to sleep isnt rven about avoiding stressful things and coping anymore #its just a health thing rn #but like concerningly so necause how am i so tired

[love-lee107]

hero headcanons because i'm as normal about him as i am about spaceboy🫶🏾

°tall and flaunts it, he's proud of how much he grew ever since high school (probably 6'4")

°talented in almost every field but fitness, and works to make up for that by jogging every morning

°did concert band in high school, marching band was too busy to fit it in with his schedule, and he also couldn't play an instrument and march at the same time (probably the first to drop out of a parade)

°he could cover any instrument, but his favorites were french horn, trumpet, and clarinet

°thought about going for student council his freshman year of high school, but decided against it once mari died. he figured he wouldn't be in the right headspace (teehee) to represent his class once he was a senior

°relatively involved when it came to college activities, despite how taxing his classes are

°went to a couple college parties his freshman year, got wasted once or twice n never wanted to do it again (he's a lightweight)

°can't do horror- movies, games, BOOKS, even. you could try to drag him to a 1-star haunted house n he'd still cry abt it

°hates spiders but likes spiderman

°although a lot of the passion was lost after mari's death, he's still phenomenal at baking and cooking. he enjoys seeing the smiles he brings to people's faces.

°constant heartthrob, in high school he was, in college he is- since his academic achievements aren't unknown to the public; he's pretty popular

°would get you home on time, like right on the dot, to your house or to your dorm, whichever it is

°always asks if you need someone to walk home with or if you need a ride, he doesn't mind at all and refuses any gas money you try to give him

°fashion icon when he wants to be. he's definitely modeled before and is open to trying new styles, but leans more towards to preppy attire

°not too fond of video games, but he's a BEAST at smash bros and mario kart. he probably mains peach to match with mari when they'd play- she mained daisy, but thought sephiroth was cool too. mari was a natural.

°study dates. basic but they prove to be nice, even if your brain feels like it's gonna explode

°walks around campus usually work out too, he avoids taking you to one of the cafés..

°oh yeah he also works as a barista for when school is in but he also used to work at hobbeez

°thrill rides aren't his fav at amusement parks, but he's willing go on them. otherwise, he holds everyone's bags

°closed off when it came to romantic relationships in fear of "getting over" or replacing his love for mari. although she would want him to move forward head-on. for his sake.

°bakes you a birthday cake!! cooking and baking is a love language of his, but he doesn't mind buying you a gift or two

°usually buys you things that are catered to your interests, but not like the cringy $5 shirts on amazon (maybe a sticker bundle but that's AT MOST, he's trying🙏🏾)

that's all i got rn..

#omori #hero omori #hero omori headcanons #omori headcanons

[hirukochan]

Hi!! I love your writing so much I was just wondering what do you plan to do in the future? I’d love to live in your brain for like one minute because the ideas you have and the way you write is so amazing and unique.

Hi!! <3 

My brain is a very crowded, forgetful and cramped place, zero out of five stars would not recommend lol.

I have a few ideas for the future!

Of course A Servant of Death. I have four parts in total planned for that series and there is a vampire arc coming up in part three I am so excited for! It’s a huge project and I try not to stress myself out to prevent burn out. The first part ended up being longer than the HP book it was based on 😅. So that - even though it’s updating slower rn (I might have gotten a tad too excited and published too many WIPs right after one another 😅) it’s my baby, my love, my passion project. It’s not getting abandoned, it’ll just need some time to grow 🥰.

I am being strict with myself to finish my WIPs before I publish anything longer than a oneshot. Your tears is nearing its end though I am beginning to fear it’ll be longer than I anticipated because I’ve had a few more ideas (cramped and crowded brain and terrible planning skills + a lack of self control 😬). A most unexpected turn of events won’t be too long (she said optimistic for the fourth time now???) and with Carrying Atlas I honestly have no idea. I could spend forever developing their relationship and ignore the plot I have planned. I’m avoiding sitting down and fleshing it out for now in favour of writing smut!

As for oneshots:

I have a second part for Ministry Documents planned!

A Snape/Reader/Voldemort oneshot, the reader is either an Auror they trap and ‘punish’ together or a new recruit that has to prove her loyalty, haven’t decided yet, might write both. 

I have a half finished Snape/Reader/Crouch jr professor-student oneshot lying around where the reader has been sleeping with both her professors but neither knew about the other and they punish her together.

I am writing on a Snarriet oneshot, Snape is a demon Harrie summons but something goes wrong.

I have a few more ideas for Snarriet, including one Muggle AU where James and Lily are alive and Snape is Uncle Sev 🤭 (no blood relation!!) Questionable but it’s intriguing me.

Then I would love to rewrite an old fic of mine. It’s a Snape/OC story that’s very dear to me. It has its own magical society within the wizarding world. It follows Snape and Theodora O’Brian who has to attend Hogwarts against her wishes. She experiences racism, discrimination, classims, cultural genocide and the literal murder of her relatives because they arn’t ‘real’ witches and wizards.

It takes place during the first and the second war. They both join Voldemort after school, both get sucked into this cult and soon realise it’s not what they were promised it would be. Voldemort takes advantage of them, he seduces them and they have to navigate their life together, their complicated feelings for Voldemort, Dumbledore’s questionable morals and many more challenges. So it’s teen!Snape and adult!Snape. And there is an irish wolfhound named Duchess!

I have a Severitus fic with fem!Harry planned! Snape has to care for baby Harrie after the war. Voldemort is dead once and for all, no Horcruxes. It’ll be a bit of a character study I think, exploring Snape’s trauma and his struggles with reentering the ‘normal’ society after a horrible time among Death Eaters, his struggles as a parent, his wish to do better for her than his parents did for him. I think Snape reconciling with one of his parents during his journey as adoptive dad would be nice too. 

Another old story I’d like to rewrite is about Snape suddenly having to take a far more active role in raising his baby sister. It takes place before Harry comes to Hogwarts. She is sixteen (or fifteen??? I can’t remember lol) and a whirlwind of chaos, anger and some underlying issue she isn’t talking about. She went to Ilvermorny because Eileen moved to the US with her when she was a baby, leaving Snape alone with their father. After their mother dies Snape lets her stay at Ilvermorny. She gets expelled and Snape brings her to Hogwarts to finish her education. They bump heads all the time. It’s a lot of chaos 🤣 but also a fiercely protective older brother!Snape 🥰

I have probably more ideas that I forgot about and are now rotting in some notebook I’ll rediscover in a few weeks 🤣

But these are those stories I have lined up to write once I have cleared some things off my plate ☺️💚

#ask #fic ideas #future fic #ao3 fanfic #severus snape fanfiction

[desultory-suggestions]

I have my exams next week and I've barely studied these last two months, now I have absolutely no motivation or energy. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, nothing excites me anymore and the last activity I wanna do rn is study but I have to pass these exams. i don't even know how to begin to approach this , it feels like an entire world rn, even the most basic tasks feel like such a burden

Hello, dear. First things first, take a deep breath. Right here at this moment, all that matters is your breathing. Take a pause and breathe, let yourself relax your body. Let your mind wander, but don't stay anywhere too long. If you think of something that causes stress, just take another deep breath and let it flow by. When we become overwhelmed with work and anxiety, it becomes so intense that we cannot see ahead of ourselves in a productive manner. Slowing down is effective, and will help you in your discernment.

First things first, it is clear you are completely burnt out. That is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, I was too very recently. You could try to slough through exams this way but it won't be good for you or your grades. So first, what are your options.

Ask for extensions and accessibility support - Contact your school and be honest with them about where you are. Depression is an illness, just like a student coming in and saying they have a physical health condition preventing them from succeeding, you can go in and ask for help. They may be able to offer you extensions on your exams, a different type of exam to take (written instead of multiple choice), or options you may not know exist.

Do what you can, and accept mediocrity - The reality is that you are struggling, and you simply may not be able to do very well right now. Ask for study help, try but accept that you may not do as well as you'd hoped. Put together a study plan aimed at getting through, not being the best. I still encourage speaking to professors and school offices for support so you don't fail but aim for a C and not an A. I am happy to offer a low-effort study guide if that is helpful.

Look into suspending your semester - If things are just too much, and you can't get through it there is no shame in stopping. So many students avoid this because it feels like the end of the world, but it is 100x better to take care of yourself until you feel capable of returning than to hurt yourself to get through. This is not uncommon, and the right offices will help you get there. You matter so much more than school.

Seek professional help - Reach out to a mental health professional right away. Depression isn't something to be fought alone. Most people will need tools like therapy and medication to take care of themselves. If you are unmedicated you could consider trying it as an option. If you are medicated but feel this bad, it is clearly not working and must be adjusted.

Look into the present, past, and future. - You said "nothing excites me anymore" so ask yourself, what did excite you? Why isn't it working now? How can you get there again? These have many answers, and may not be clean-cut. In my own recent discernment, I found that my old work and community excited me and it stopped working because I stopped having access to that work and community. I spent a long time working through it and came to the conclusion the issue was not a lack of effort but that where I was would never have what I wanted. It was not easy, but this exploration lead to me transferring universities and moving states. It was a lot, but it was worth it.

Right now everything will feel impossible, but as someone who just escaped that cycle, it does get better, you will be okay, and you will find passion, energy, and happiness again. Do not give up, and don't stop yourself from asking for help. I am here if you need support any time!

-Evan

#asks #anon #burn out #burnout #depression #depression recovery #depressive episode #school #university #studyblr #student

[tinystepsforward]

i am so fucking sad tonight and i used to put that stuff on here like a decade ago so here we are again ig. just.

really horrid combination of things happening right now and it makes me extra upset bc i'm into my second month on low-dose t and the first month was going so fucking well for like. being conducive to the last of my trauma recovery? and then, of course, recovery isn't linear and also my parents seem intent to retraumatise me whenever they can. but like.

english terf hits our shores

completely inescapable discourse, and also targeted abuse, on twitter and elsewhere. also i wrote an op-ed bc our media are useless and we need at least a few trans voices out there (hopefully it does get picked up, but it was gruelling to write)

my mother switches from spreading conspiracy theories about climate change to a sudden and vicious focus on trans people. not that she ever stopped being a bigot but usually it's one post every few months about how conversion therapy works and not several posts a day from people who want trans people murdered

scheduled to be interviewed for a study on conversion therapy survivors on tuesday

scheduled to go on holiday with my family on thursday. i booked a separate room so i won't have to attempt to take my (oral, twice daily with food, specifically bc the endo didn't want me on injections until we knew for sure i wouldn't need to suddenly stop t to avoid extended ptsd episodes) testosterone around family who would be very willing to attempt conversion therapy round fucking four on me

i have no idea if my job will still be there for me when i get back from this scheduled leave bc [gestures at tech companies and ai]

conference all day monday (tomorrow, technically) that i know will eat all my spoons, and that doesn't cater for my dietary needs so i'll have to pack food

and it's like. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i have been making a concerted effort w my family because my paatti (dad's mother) is in town, the one i've talked about before who doesn't know i'm gay and married bc my parents have prevented that happening. and i feel so lonely and so cut off bc as a diaspora/migrant family, and a mixed one at that, my only connection to my cultures is via my parents who fucking hate who i am. so i've been trying to hang out with her when they're not around. i said yes to this vacation, we'll get more time together and some pictures and stuff.

but i'm still fielding her questions about why i don't have a boyfriend. and my parents have decided to, right when i'm most stressed about being trans, and about connection to family, be the worst people they can be about it again i guess? and it's true that my conversion therapy/parental/religion trauma is the stuff i've never come back around to working on in therapy bc my parents are actively reopening the wound every few months and it's. hard to work with that.

fucking like. shocking that i recovered from ptsd once, after [black box of getting csaed more times than i can count], immediately got groomed in a way that's rly fucking complicated to talk about bc my ex is a trans woman who decided to come out as a child-grooming rapist and as trans in the same month, and terfs salivate over the idea of using people like her as a cudgel, and completely forgot that approximately 300 other things, sa and otherwise, happened to me along the way to the point where my psych said she was surprised/proud i haven't killed anyone yet.

so i'm sad about all of them at once rn except the brain injury means i can only hold about two in my active memory at a time and i keep alternating which ones i'm sad about like shuffling several decks of cards really fast i guess.

#tony muses #this is a big long vent post and mentions csa #but it's not a 'don't read will delete later' you are welcome to read it #also cw terf shit and conversion therapy and parental stuff and religious trauma and idk what needs to be tagged. cultural alienation? #i am literally just sad #and transphobes are unavoidable on twt rn

[awetistic-things]

hello! I believe im autistic but I don’t have a special interest. I don’t have any specific 1 thing that im completely passionate about. I mean, maybe psychology but isn’t that too broad? idk. I need to consult someone autistic themselves bc im a minor and I can’t get a therapist and probably can’t convince my parents to get me a diagnosis. my mother thinks I just have high anxiety and ocd. I definitely have dermatillamania though. here’s some of my symptoms:

Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts; I go nonverbal when I’m anxious/stressed/in a social situation where I’m being forced to talk to or interact w someone.

Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities; i do really like sameness but I’m also super impulsive and love changing thing up that don’t have a lot of value to me. for example I would go on a trip to Chicago rn with my friends if I had the means and they wanted to but I’m not changing the way I write my notes or cleaning my room

I have a hard time understanding figurative language and kind of obsessively overanalyze most things that I don’t understand

maybe it’s a mix of me being weird, ocd, and high anxiety that’s been present for my entire life and that I also can’t pinpoint the reason for. or maybe I’m autistic. I know you can’t diagnose a stranger on the internet from a couple paragraphs and I’m sorry if this is too much info.

I’m staying anonymous for my safety but my pronouns are they/it!

hi!

okay, so for starters i'm just gonna share with you some of the articles that helped me essentially start me on my journey of "oh shit i'm autistic" and my own two cents for each statement you made

---------

social interaction:

What Is Social Interaction In Autism - AutismTalkClub.com

i personally relate to the "non-verbal" part of what you said. I tend to lose the ability to speak whenever i am overwhelmed due to environmental factors (senses being overstimulated), but there are many other reasons (sometimes due to masking)

being overwhelmed in social situations is really easy for me personally. mainly because of sesnory issues, masking, resisting the urge to stim, etc and this can set me off into having meltdowns among other things

--------

repetitive behaviors:

Restrictive and Repetitive Behavior | Kennedy Krieger Institute

having a schedule is really important to a lot of people on the spectrum, it can help create some calmness in constant chaos

but, sometimes (such as myself) it is nice to be spontaneous and just do random shit without planning or a schedule or anything

so although repetitive behaviors are an autistic thing, the flexibility can differ depending on the person (emphasize on its a *spectrum*)

---------

language misunderstandings:

Whose metaphor? Autism Spectrum Disorder and metaphorization (metnetscandinavia.com)

that metaphor doesn't necessarily make sense to me, but just in case it makes sense for you there it is

about overanalyzing i totally get that. something I've noticed is that autistic people tend to question "basic" rules and social hierarchies so becoming obsessed with asking "why?' questions is very relatable to say the least

i dont really struggle that much with more everyday metaphors and I love analogies, but once again its a spectrum and I still very much need tone tags to avoid misunderstandings between both parties

-------

the way i figured out i was autistic was through research, research, research. at first I thought that meant clinical studies and such but it also means learning from the community itself, so its cool that you thought to do that (I wish I thought of that immediately)

also about how you don't really have ONE thing for a special interest, that's something normal from what I've seen. you don't have to know everything about something to have it be a special interest. you don't have to have known about it for years or an extremely long period of time. its really an individual thing for how you view hyperfixations and sp.ins (special interests). so, if you think that psychology is a sp.in of yours, then its a sp.in. its really up to you

all the things i sent you arent to diagnose you, but involving yourself in the community, researching a lot, or calling yourself/self-diagnosining yourself as autistic is okay. its perfectly okay. i know you said that because of your age and your parents you arent able to get a diagnosis at this time, but don't let that stop you from finding out more (even if its not with a therapist or your parents) about autism and essentially about who you are

im always free to dm, so please reach out to me if you want to talk (doesn't have to be just about autism) :) /gen (also my discord server for autistic people is linked in my pinned post if you wanna check it out)

#autistic #autism spectrum disorder #autism #actually autistic #asd #autistic things #on the spectrum #autistic problems #autism problems #autism awareness

[andromedarune]

Notice on Comments

Hello! Just popping in real quick to say that I’ve gotten a couple suspicious comments with nonsense & a link. For reference, they look like this:

I am deleting comments like these without regard because they are likely spam or malicious links. As such, please refrain from posting any links on my fanfics -- of course, exceptions can be made with thorough explanation and verification that the links aren’t malicious or spam, but if they seem suspicious I will 100% delete comments from here on out that strike me as bots or as potentially dangerous.

That being said, allow me to run through a little Online Scam PSA. If you are unsure of the warning signs of a scam, hazard links, etc, please click to read more :)

 I highly recommend all my followers to study up on ways to prevent yourself from being hacked or scammed -- be wary of any suspicious/unprompted emails, comments, or messages promising some kind of financial support or “free” gift. If you can, avoid even clicking on a message (especially DMs or texts) as these can potentially lead to your computer or account being hacked. Absolutely, under no circumstances should you ever send money to people you are unfamiliar with, unprompted and unreasonably. If they are accusing you of debt and are demanding payment through gift cards or Bitcoin, it is a 100% a scam and you will not be able to receive your money back.

I am not a legal reference, but my dad is a fraud detective who specializes in Embezzlement, Pyramid Schemes/White Collar Crime, and most common forms of Fraud, so I try to offer that knowledge whenever possible to protect others. If you’re ever unsure if something is a scam or if an offer seems too good to be true, it’s likely bad news :D But seriously, don’t be afraid to drop in my DMs any questions/comments/concerns if y’all have any questions on the matter bc the world is crazy rn and none of us can afford to lose more money than we already are XD

I’m more active on my main Tumblr @danni-dollarsign, so send DMs there if you can! Thank you and pls be careful out there!!!

#psa #online fraud #online scams #spam links #I got 2 on my fics on ao3 #freaked me out cuz I don't want any of my readers to click those links #can never have too much awareness on digital fraud/scams #I am not kidding pls reach out if you're unsure #better safe than sorry

[lil-tumbles]

lol I bet you think video games makes kids shoot up schools too

No, not at all. There have been studies to suggest that watching violence in TV leads to violence in real life (such as the Bobo Doll experiment, and later similar experiments on television as well). However, there are also plenty of studies which show that watching violence/playing violent video games acts as a way to safely express emotions like rage and anger, leading to a decrease in violence. It all depends on who is the one engaging in the activity (as everyone is different, so has different reactions).

However, that's violence, and on TV/video games, which can be controlled (that is, you can stop children from playing/watching things if they're very violent). Fanfiction is a lot harder to limit, and I know there are kids 12 or younger who read fanfiction.

At that age, they are very likely to internalise and copy the behaviour they read about (or see, as demonstrated in the Bobo Doll experiment. I can post a link to a video of one of the first versions of the experiment if you want), and because of their age they haven't developed mentally enough to be able to consciously separate fiction from reality, or assess what they read to avoid taking it as something that can be done in real life. Many adults also struggle with this, but at a certain age you need to be able to take responsibility for not reading things you know you might be susceptible to. I think that age can at the very least be considered adulthood.

Sorry this was so long, but I'm studying psychology and this actually gives me an opportunity to share things I've learned from the course so far, so I decided to answer as fully as I have time for rn. However, if I receive any more asks like this, I'll probably just delete them. If you disagree with my views you can block me as that is your perogative, but my opinions are mine to share. I don't want to start discourse, I just want it known to people who follow me that I am uncomfortable with proshippers following me.

#ask #answer #antiship #these are literally just my opinions why is everyone getting so worked up about this #it's my online experience to curate how I'm comfortable with and im uncomfy with pros following me. #if you disagree then go ahead and block me if you want #that's your choice. you don't have to send me an ask about it.

[hoonvrs]

Hey saint watchu doin 😊

Honestly had a really bad day today and Ur the only person I can talk to rn. Idk what's up with ppl forcing me to do things I don't like and telling me to stop doing things I love doing. As if whatever I wanna do is always wrong. My school has restricted me to do any crochet in the campus EVEN THOUGH I don't interrupt nor am I distracted during the classes. My mum has told me to solely focus on studies and do crochet in the holidays. BUT now they want me to do extracurriculars. Maybe I'm in the wrong but I have no interest in the acts of singing, dancing, art and other cultural activities. But I have to do them because I do nothing at home. Like I don't take extra classes for playing instruments, or go to other places for tutoring, nor do I learn anything involving self defense, dancing, singing, reciting. I don't even like sports. I just don't like these activities. But I have to do them and I'm being forced because they're 'good for me' and 'good for my future'. Which I get it's completely fine. But is crochet not? Infact I wanted to do a specific activity and my friend wanted to do photography. But since I chose that activity, she has to too because she won't do photography alone. And then she said it's my fault but when I said that I could switch for the sake of her not blaming it on me for the rest of the semester, she said no. I can't deny anything anymore. When they ask me if I want to do something and I say no, they ask why and I just say that I don't want to. But apparently that isn't a valid reason to say no. I would say all of this to my mum but she's friends with my friends mums and would try taking to them about it but I don't want the others knowing. Ill be honest saint you were the first person I could think of because no one else would just listen to me and not go tell someone else or start asking questions. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I just wish things were like before when in was like five and I wasn't allowed to meet my friends outside of school. When our parents weren't friends to the point they would steal away the only day my mum had a holiday I could spend time with her on. I wish I had someone to talk to. Now all I can do is look in the mirror, cry, and talk to myself. Saint you don't understand how much talking to u like this is helping me. We don't even know eachother personally but at least I can talk to you freely without any judgement. I just wanna live my life. I've never had a moment in life where I felt free since I was 5. I miss freedom.

-🌜(rant again 😭)

i can’t understand personally but i can definitely feel for you cause i have a friend in the exact same situation and honestly fuck them for not letting you do what you want in your own life, esp ur school cause in what world do they completely nan you from crocheting in school likes it’s really none of their business. honestly the advice i can give ( if you even want any ) is to not do it. nothing teaches a parent a lesson unless their kids rebel cause it honestly so much easier to ask for forgiveness then for permission, and they’ll see in the future all of that was so useless.

with your friend pls try and stand up for yourself, coming from someone who’s literally ignored her own cousins cause they were being bitchy it’ll be better to avoid and ignore her then to have to put up with her attitude. tell her no one told her to ditch photography and that she should learn some independence or she won’t get too far in life, and she might get offended but that’s her problem not yours.

i’m happy that you feel safe enough with me to share this but i’m so upset that you have to go through this, praying it’ll be js an emotional memory when you’re a little bit older with more independence cause parents will learn to give their kids freedom once they’ve hit an age where they can’t control them ( usually uni )

don’t let anyone try to talk you out of what you love or talk you down into staying in a toxic friendship just because you’re ‘parents are close’ or ‘you’ve known each other for so long’ they’re js manipulating you into wasting your energy and effort on stupid friendships and ik it’s easier said then done but you’ll feel so much better without that burden

#inbox — new msg! #my moon :( #ily #🌜anon #( anons! )

[indigoipsum]

Guess I’ll Make an About Page Lol

Call me Indigo or Max. I’m in my early twenties + in college

I got into Kuroshitsuji in 2014 and uh yeah. I was heavily obsessed for several years, wrote some semi-popular Cielois fics on Wattpad, then dropped the series because of my issues with Yana but… I reread one of my stories and felt myself getting pulled back in. I guess this will be a Kuro-centric blog for the meantime?

I’m also into JJBA, Hunter x Hunter, The Owl House, Amphibia, Patalliro (god please ask me about Patalliro I will preach its gospel any day), WWDITS, and some other stuff I’m blanking on rn

I’m studying to be a designer and an illustrator, so I’m putting my fandom-centric work on here! If you’re interested in my original work, DM me and I can send my professional portfolio 👍

My ao3 is indigoipsum, jumpscare warning for my uncompleted demon Cielois story from 2016 on there but I swear!!! I am replacing it with better things!!!

I’ll tag common trigger warnings but I can’t guarantee I’ll get everything— most of what I post is pretty tame

TERFS BE GONE!!! Also proshippers!!

I HATE sebaciel, claudelois, and any other minor/adult ship. I actively avoid this part of the fandom so don’t come in here with that booo tomato 🍅

I also use she/her pronouns for Grelle exclusively. Supporting women’s rights and women’s wrongs 🏳️‍⚧️

#kuroshitsuji #black butler #alois trancy #ciel phantomhive #sebastian michaelis #grelle sutcliff

[chrysocomae]

Going to start logging books I read not for work (unless they intersect well with work) for 2023 under #MaeReads2023. Let's see if I can beat the ADHD monster and stay consistent with this.

I just finished Part 1 in this. Originally I avoided this because of Falun Gong's promotion of Trump, QAnon and antivaxx shit through Epoch Times (also Shen Yun performances but that's for another post).

Tis the season for these ads fucking everywhere rn. My friend says, "Oh, the Shen Yun decorations are up now!"

Do you have Shen Yun ads in your part of the world? Do they have the same slogan? I have a theory that "China Before Communism" was added to the American ad copy because of the fucking red scare that still ultraprevalent in mainstream culture. Make it not communist and Americans will flock. They did not have that slogan until 2021 and instead used "5000 Years of Civilization Reborn" or similar.

I am all for freedom of religion and I don't believe Falun Gong is a cult (although like all religions there are cultlike groups under the larger umbrella of the faith) but I am very wary of groups that drive the far right in the USA in their quest to take down the CCP. It is interesting because one of their core beliefs is focusing on your spiritual practice and to not try to change society but yet they are activately trying to change it. It is like a Baptist preacher trying to avoid the "world" and going on OAN to tell women they can't have abortions. Hmm. I need to learn more about the politics of Falun Gong to adequately grok this but anyway, I saw an interview with the author and she interested me enough to check out her book to hear her story directly.

Where I am in the book: It is 1998 and the CCP has cracked down on Falun Gong. Author got into Falun Gong seeking to restore her health after a rough pregnancy. Her conversion to Falun Gong is borderline miraculous in language, reminding me of the way born-again Christians say Jesus fixed everything.

No shade to the author but it is interesting to note the focus on zealous religion, something Falun Gong witnesses in fundamentalist Christians in the USA. The author says she didn't even realize the Falun Gong books were on the best seller list until she started hearing reports about them being banned. Lol, girl! I'd probably be the same tbh.

Fun fact: we share an alma mata (although I only studied abroad there)! Nostalgia!

Back to reading.

#MaeReads2023 #witnessing history by jennifer zeng

[cookinguptales]

idk if I told tumblr the story of how I read Dracula the first time... it’s one of those stories that paints a really, really vivid picture of what I was like as a child, I think.

so when I was in seventh grade, my science teacher told us about a ~writing contest~ being put on by the local chapter of the Audubon Society. she really, really wanted us all to enter, but like... obviously, no one wanted to do this. 

I also did not want to do this, but unlike my classmates, I had a deep and pathological need to please the adults around me. plus, honestly, I felt really bad for our poor science teacher, who became increasingly devastated when no one entered.

so... I entered the writing contest. did I do my best work? no! I did not care about our fragile local ecosystem! I was twelve! but I wrote 500 words about conservation after school one day and handed it in just to sate my teacher’s unquenchable lust for ecological preservation and the Audubon Society.

you can... probably guess where this is going. I don’t know if every other school also had trouble finding nerds to enter this contest or what, but... yeah. I won the writing contest.

the prize was a week at “nature camp”.

now, you may be picturing a nice camp in the woods where we study animal tracks and stuff. NO this was FLORIDA. this camp was just MUCK and BUGS and HEATSTROKE. honestly, I could write a thousand words about my weird, fucked-up camp experience but that’s kind of immaterial rn.

the point is, I had zero interest in 95% of the camp’s activities. I had a lot of undiagnosed chronic illnesses at that age, but at the time, most people just thought I was activity avoidant. (and, like my dear friend Dracula, I did not function well in heat and sunlight.) so I sat out during a lot of the physical activities, which was... all the activities, and I read.

see, I had been gifted an absolute mammoth of a book before I left. it contained Frankenstein and Dracula and it was essentially a brick. I got through Frankenstein pretty quickly (and loved it) but, spoilers for all my DD friends, Dracula is really fucking long.

by a couple days into this camp experience, I am completely immersed in this book. I do not care about making friends. I do not care about swimming in the snake-infested lake. I kind of care about bug-watching, but I wasn’t allowed to do that, so Dracula it was.

and idk if you’ve ever been a bookworm at a summer camp, but I’ll tell you! they don’t like it. lmao. eventually, as punishment for reading too much, I got my book taken away. ;;

FRIENDS. like my sweet blorbo du jour Guillermo de la Cruz, I transformed from an embarrassingly eager-to-please preteen to an absolute petty little bitch in like five minutes flat lmao. they soon realized that I would now refuse to socialize out of spite because they had taken my book, but it’d be even worse because now I refused to do anything but sit there and glower at the camp counselors.

(I was... a difficult child. lmao)

anyway, they lasted like a day before they decided that this was really more trouble than it was worth, and my book was returned to me. I read about vampires and steadfastly ignored my bunkmates and that’s why I didn’t get in trouble with all the rest of them when it turned out that they’d been sneaking boys in for sex!

/fin

#also I was a baby gay so #but yeah I was 12 so I barely remember the book #also my grandfather died while I was at camp #so maybe that's why they thought I was acting up #no I didn't even like my grandfather GIVE ME MY BOOK #just me #long post

[stressedoutcanary]

Hold On - Jason Todd x Batgirl!Reader

Summary:

"Hey! I see a vent inside, maybe if we get to the roof-"

BAMMMM

"Of course, just shoot open the lock and alert whoever's inside. What a great strategy! Why didn't I think of it?! Oh I know, because it's dumb!"

Warnings: Language, Canon typical Violence, Occasional Angst lets be real it's Jason we are talking about, Kidnappings..?

Word count: 1.6k

A/N:- I...should be studying right now buttt I had fun writing this and yes, I took the title from the song Hold On by Chord Overstreet, I think it fits this perfectly.

I wasn't going for a series but here we are.

Part 2, Part 3

•°•°•°•°

It was a quite night for Gotham. Every person was busy with their own work and so were you, even if it was a little different from what people down below on the streets were doing. As of yet, you had stopped two muggings, busted a few armed two-face goons trying to rob a bank and were currently running across rooftops.

'Maybeee I can get off easy today, go home, microwave the pizza that has been waiting for me in the fridge, get a nice, warm shower and then straight to bed'

You hummed to yourself at the delightful thought as you sat on a gargoyle overlooking the city. You were enjoying the feeling of the light breeze on your face. It was soothing in a way. Not long after, you were startled by your comms crackling to life out of nowhere as you heard Oracle's automated voice in your ears.

"Batgirl I am going to need you to check out the area near Gotham Central Park for any visible strange activity. There are several missing persons reports filed this week that I have tied up to that particular region."

'So much for a warm bath and a good night's sleep, way to jinx yourself (Y/N), you dumbass'

"Isn't that park under construction or something? You know after the whole Justice League fiasco last month?", you questioned.

"Yep but people still go there, in the mornings for walks and at the nights for certain activities."

"Of course they do, I swear, people here are on a whole different level." You sighed. "Alrighty then Babs, I am on it."

•°•°

After climbing up a couple of fire escapes and swinging off of numerous rooftops you finally reached your target destination. There was a deafening silence when your feet landed on the damp grass. You took in the misted surroundings and decided to look around for something out of the ordinary. There was a broken bright neon sign by the corner of the street which caught your attention, you could only make out the last bit, it spelled Parlor.

'That seems awfully familiar. Something about it is odd but I can't quite place my finger on it'

You were lost in thought when you felt someone move behind you, there was rather little time for you to react so you choose the 'hit first ask questions later' option. You clenched your fist, twisted your upper body and delivered a quick, staggering blow to the shady figure lurking behind.

.

"OWW!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

.

"HOOD?!"

Sure enough, Jason was on the ground clutching his ribs looking like a hurt puppy.

You moved your hands up and massaged you temples. You do not want to deal with him. Not today and if possible not ever. Even though you never let it show, you always avoided a run in with him. He may have become a part of the family again but you were far off from forgiving him.

You watched with narrowed eyes as he got to his feet and and dusted off the grass from his jacket.

"So on a Scale of one to Demon brat, how much do you hate me?", the smirk on his face and the way he wiggled his eyebrows at you almost made you want to smack him with a crowbar yourself.

"What? Dami?! I don't-- I don't hate Damian, he just gets on my nerves sometimes, something you do all the time.", you enjoyed, maybe a little too much, the way Jason's smirk turned into a small pout. You smiled a bit as you shook your head at his childishness.

"Before you start chucking batarangs at me I want to make this clear; No, Oracle did not send me here to be your backup or whatever, I just happen to be investigating the same thing which obviously led me here to you. So how about we work on this together and watch each other's back", Despite the uncertainty of your rejection, he sounded hopeful. It seemed as if he was ready to build the old, worn out bridges of your relationship back up again. It sent an unexpected warmth through your chest.

"Just like old times?"

"Just like old times.", Jason repeated as you both did a rather unsuccessful fist bump and grinned like idiots.

•°•°

You walked up to the seemingly abandoned building, Jason examined the door for traps whereas you decided on taking a look through the glass window.

"Hey! I see a vent inside, maybe if we get to the roof-"

BAMMMM

"Of course, just shoot open the lock and alert whoever's inside. What a great strategy! Why didn't I think of it?! Oh I know, because it's dumb!", you whisper shouted with a scowl. Jason just shrugged and tilted his head to the side, pointing towards the now open door.

"Ladies first, so lead the way, unless you're scared.", it was a playful challenge on Jason's part, one that you were more than ready to accept.

"Oh you're on Red."

You stepped inside and it was all business from there on. You took in the condition of the room; dusty desks, broken glass, oddly placed mannequins and footprints leading up ahead into a long hallway.

"They seem recent enough", Jason gave a slight nod at your discovery.

Considering the darkness of the hallway, you and Jason shared a look and switched on your night vision lenses. You both started taking cautious steps, the occasional soft thud of your boots being the only sound in the vicinity.

The end of the hallway was forked up and there were two rooms at the end of each passageway.

"How is this place so big! it didn't seem this huge from the outside", you could hear the exasperation in Jason's voice. You figured not getting to hit someone might be getting to him or that he was just bored.

"Look I will take the right, you take the left, our comms are already connected, if any one of us finds anything we tell the other and remember we do not engage in a fight alone. Am I clear or do you want me to write that down for you"

"Yes ma'am, but just so you know you are starting to sound like The old man", you rolled your eyes at his comment and went on ahead towards the right as he went the other way.

•°•°

You scrolled through the torn down bookshelf kept in one of the rooms and you were making a mental note in your mind that there were a lot of medical journals in the bunch, when your comms buzzed.

"I am sorry", Jason whispered in a soft voice and you froze for a spilt second, eyes widening.

'No (Y/N) don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he is saying, just focus on finding those missing people and get this over with'

With that thought you tried continuing your investigation as if you had heard nothing.

"I said, I am sorry (Y/N). I know you heard me. I also know you've been avoiding me, cutting me out and you don't have to reply if don't feel like it but...I just wanted you to know..."

"Now is not the right time for this Hood and...for what it's worth I am not looking forward to a forgiveness session with you...", you felt awful for cutting him out the way you did, your heart clenched at the harshness of your words as you clicked off your comms, but you refused to have this discussion right now. If you were being more honest to yourself you just couldn't bear the emotions it would bring, so you chose the easiest way; completely shutting him out.

It was few minutes after the highly uncomfortable talk with Jason that a wall poster had caught your eye. You moved your hand over it, somewhat wiping off the dust, there was something scribbled on it making it harder for you to read the actual text. You squinted, trying to make out the words

"The people need...perfection...and that is what Pretty Dolls Parlor strives to achieve."

You scanned the area near poster for fingerprints and clicked your comms back on.

"Hood, get over here, I found something and I think this is the make or break kind of information", you were waiting for scan to complete, concern creeping up your mind when there was no reply from the other end.

"Red Hood? can you hear me?"

Nothing.

"Red?! Answer me Damnit!!"

A whole lot of Nothing.

As soon as you heard the chime of the scanner signaling its completion, you sped the other way towards the left corridor, towards Jason.

'Jay please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.'

By the time you reached Jason's location you were panting from the lack of breath and were already cursing yourself for bringing Jason along. To say that the man can take care of himself might be an understatement, he is basically a lone wolf, but still the thought of something happening to him while he was with you hurt like hell.

You looked around frantically and almost jumped out of your skin when you stepped on a gun. You heart almost stopped, it was Jason's. To make matters worse, there was no other sign of him or of were he went. You picked up the gun holding it securely in your hand. You could literally hear your heart pounding in your ears.

Suddenly, through the reflection from the glass window in front of you, you caught a glimpse of a man wearing a blank white face mask, you turned around, immediately switching to a fighting stance but that only did so much for you. A flashlight was switched on and shoved near your face, the night vision of your lens intensified the light, blinding you completely.

Before you could react, a metal pole connected straight with the back of your head and just like that you were lights out on the ground.

°•°•°•°•

Author's cute little extra Note:

*wiggling my eyebrows rn*

I might be a little too obsessed with the Arkham Knight game hehe.

Well that ended well for you, didn't it?? Jason's gone missing and you get a nice concussion to garnish your anxiety level? No? Okay I will stop talking now.

Tell me if you want to be tagged for the next parts.💕

#jason todd x reader #jason todd reader insert #jason todd x y/n #red hood reader insert #red hood imagine #red hood x reader #jason todd x batgirl!reader #red hood imagines #jason todd imagines #reader is batgirl #jason todd #red hood #batfam #batfamily

[nkhrchuwuya]

✨ hello! I've never interacted before but I've read all of your posts! I really love your version of chuuya, can't get enough of it! :D I hope you're all better now uwu thank you for this event I'm so excited :D

first of all I'm smoller than chuuya hehe

I consider myself an extrovert who can be very shy at first. if i manage to somehow feel comfortable w someone (as in they are warm and open to me), I become super chatty and bubbly, but I can be very quiet and reserved when I'm among a bunch of people or with someone I haven't really connected. in that case i need to warm up a bit first.

altho I love hanging out with my loved ones, I need "just-me" moments too. I like joking and making people laugh and this goofy and "witty" side of me is best seen when I chat or post insta stories, rather than irl.

I can be quite awkward when I talk with people irl. I'm super affectionate with the people I love and actually I can be quite clingy. I need constant attention and love or I start feeling insecure.

I have lots of interests (too many to keep up), that are somehow linked: animanga, asian dramas, webtoons, fantasy, books, insta poetry, linguistics and language learning, graphic design, fiction, history, sociology and whatever is grabbing my attention at the moment.

I also suffer from maladaptive daydreaming, have short attention span, but lots of focus when I shouldn't have, lots of dreams, anxieties and hopes. I often sign up for too many things at once (and regret it) but stillll there's so much to dooo and no timeeeeee

for all my easygoing attitude, I have high uncertainty avoidance: scared of talking to people I've interacted w before, hesitant of like asking informations to a stranger, worried about uni exams I'm not fully prepared for, deeply anxious about a new part time job etc.

I usually procrastinate a lot (and also a mild perfectionist, what a curse) , am disorganised and am a bit of a scatterbrain, often sleep late but! I'm doing si much better now! After I started physically attending uni, moved out and got a roommate I'm doing much better: I wake up in time, I try to study regularly, Im learning how to cook, I clean after myself uwu

I think this means that when I'm somehow in a situation where I should be responsible (got a roommate, living away from home) I really try to do my best. so proud of myself rn! I'm also in this w my bffs so we helping each other become better

sadly for chuchu I don't drink at all! I would also wait a long time to do the full snu snu, until I feel like this person is here to stay. light snu snu is okay hehe. I'm also a bit lazy and while I like visiting new places and all I get tired of traveling and I don't like "being a tourist" (as in, walking a lot, going from one place to the other, taking lots of pictures, guided tours and all that jazz). I like to do things at my own pace and feel cozy :D

I hope this helps!

:D anon

hi dear!! ✨ thank you so much for taking part in our little event! it's lovely to hear from long-time readers like you🥺 i'm doing much better than before, although still not quite well, thank you for asking!

here's a little bit of your chuuya for you!

i won't even get into detail about how much chuuya loves that he's the slightest bit taller than you. it activates his protection mode- and he sure loves being in that mode when he's around you.

chuuya isn't quick to figure out your innate need for attention/affection- he just thinks you're clingy for a bit and would indulge you while he can and then he's gone off to work again. it would take you opening up to him and having a genuine conversation for him to actually get it in his head, but after that don't worry, he's at your side as much as possible. when he can't, he's texting or calling you. there's never a day you'll feel once that he doesn't care about you.

he absolutely loves your humor! granted you did say it comes out mostly when you chat or on your insta stories but he definitely has an appreciation of it even beyond the screen. especially if it’s derived from all the varied interests you have? you’ve got chuuya hooked. you've just got a spark of joy in you that's hard to find in other people that draws chuuya to you.

if you need him to catch you at times when your uncertainty avoidance gets too much, don't fret because he won't mind doing it for you. but chuuya's more of a proactive person hismelf, so there are occasions where instead of fully taking the responsibility, he'll be, instead, by your side and making sure you don't feel alone as you face your own anxiety on your own!

chuuya has absolutely no idea at first what to do with your maladaptive daydreaming. but once he figures out the ropes he's there for you all the time. need to be more engaged and grounded in reality? he's there, holding you down. need to go to therapy for it or would rather talk to a doctor? he's bringing you to the clinic himself. he'll learn your triggers (if any) and make sure to keep you out of them when possible. it'll take a bit for him to figure it out, but once he does, he's your best ally.

he watches you work on yourself and get better and handling the daily routine, and is super proud of you for every step you're taking in the right direction. he's there to help you whenever you stumble, but for the most part he just loves being able to sit back and watch you slowly get better at avoiding procrastination, studying, sleeping, etc. etc!

related to that, he's definitely going to be super thankful once you've moved in with him and can help him with that kind of regulation. it's not that he can't do it on his own, just sometimes he also deeply struggles with it, especially with mafia work, and to be able to have someone by his side who can help him is a big plus for him.

he'll be fine with you not drinking, he's always got a bottle of a nonalcoholic drink for you to enjoy while he's getting tipsy. but this is only for when you're at home! if you're outside, say, on a dinner, he'll refrain from drinking because he'd rather not have to be a burden on you when he gets drunk. don't worry, it doesn't dampen the experience one bit, because he loves just being with you to begin with!

your extroverted side matched with a tendency to pull back when you're around others you aren't close with is something chuuya deeply appreciates- some dark part in him enjoys that he can have you all for himself in certain situations. but i think the two of you will still be a great match because chuuya absolutely needs someone to ground him as well, and also to stop his little alcohol problem 😂

#:D anon #chuuya's special someone event #nakahara chuuya #bungou stray dogs #chuuya x reader #bsd chuuya x reader #chuuya x you #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd imagines #bsd x reader

[kkaebsongtypo]

01 | m.l | next

why wont you love me // hrj [02]

pairing: renjun x reader

genre: friends to lovers, slow burn, fluff, slight angst

wanings/notes: alcohol consumption (all parties are of legal age, drink responsibly!), mentions/symptoms of anxiety, mentions/signs of abandonment issues, jealousy, inspired by the song Why Won't You Love Me by 5sos

(warnings/notes are subject to change and updates if needed.)

word count: 2.1k

Renjun and y/n are an inseparable pair; they know each other like the back of their own hands. For the most part. Renjun keeps his true feelings hidden; y/n refuses to acknowledge their own. Both hold the fear of losing each other. But will one night out and a little too much to drink change everything?

a/n: hello part two is f i n a l l y here- sorry for the super long wait ;-; lmk if you want to be in a taglist ^-^

A week without Renjun and the boys proved to be a lot more difficult than you expected. On any other day, a normal day, you would have Renjun or Jisung on video call to keep you company whilst doing your work, cleaning the house, or just any other task. On any other day, you’d have a few of the boys lounging around your apartment, studying, doing project work, playing video games, spending their time in the comfort of your tidy home if they needed to get away from their own. Most of the time, it didn’t even feel like you lived alone.

Needless to say, with your main group of friends away on their trip, you were bored. With the boys doing their own trip activities, it was hard to get a normal, lengthy video call in. Procrastination was one of your biggest enemies in the deafening silence of your empty apartment. Without the company of your friends occupying your phone, and your current lack of self control, you were sprawled out on your bed scrolling through Instagram, your essay long forgotten.

You sat up abruptly when you opened Renjun’s story and were greeted with a photo of him and a shorter girl wrapped in his arms. Your chest tightened and at their bright smiles. You chewed on your bottom lip as you stared at the photo, the strange sensation in your chest growing. After a few seconds, you decided to close the app, the feeling (which, you concluded to be anxiety) building inside of you became overwhelming very quickly. You placed your phone face down on your bed and slowly laid back against the covers. You stared blankly at your ceiling and drummed your fingers on your bedsheets and chest.

A ding sounded from your phone and your hand flew to grab it. You hesitated to look at the screen though, unsure if you were hoping it was from Renjun or not. Ten seconds passed, and after a deep breath, you look at the message. A sigh fell from your lips when you read the contact name. It was from Jisung. You couldn’t tell if you were relieved or disappointed that it wasn’t Renjun as the anxiety in your chest continued to swirl.

bby chick <3: Are you busy rn bby chick <3: Can u vc bby chick <3: I miss you :(

You felt a pang of guilt for feeling slightly disappointed as you read the younger boys messages. You truly did miss him as well. The situation prior to his messages simply threw you off and into a frenzy of other feelings. Your fingers typed a response quickly.

: I miss you too :( : and no I am not busy, call me <3

It took no longer than 5 seconds for a video call from Jisung to pop up. After a deep breath to push down the previous discomfort within you, you put on a small smile and answered the call. The sight of Jisung’s face lighting up instantly when you appeared on his screen made your smile become more real, the photo of Renjun and that girl being pushed aside for the time being.

“Hii y/n!!” Jisungs voice was lively and excited. The setting sun shone a warm glow on him and the hotel wall. He waved to you, and you waved back.

“Hey Sunggie, how are you doing?” You asked. He didn’t hesitate to respond.

“I’m good, the guys and I miss you tons though! How are you?” Your chest tightened when he returned the question. It always broke your facade at times like this.

“I’m- I’m uh… yeah, I’m good.” Your feeble attempt at seeming okay was unconvincing as hot tears rolled down your cheeks with each blink. The uncomfortable feeling in your chest returned and your breathing quickened. Though your vision was blurred, you noticed Jisung’s expression fall into one of shock and panic.

“Wha- what’s wrong? Are you okay? Why are you crying?” He stuttered, reaching towards the camera as if trying to reach directly to you. You wiped your cheeks frantically with your sleeves and sniffled, a pathetic laugh falling from your lips.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Nothing is wrong, Ji, don’t worry-” Jisung cut you off gently. Tears continued to fall from your eyes involuntarily.

“Y/n… please don’t lie to me… you’re clearly not fine…” Your chest tightened more at the sadness in his voice. He didn’t like seeing you upset, it made him sad seeing his friend in distress. You tried to dry your tears again, but it was no use. With a quiet sigh of frustration, you ran your hand through your hair. There was no use in trying to lie again, your feelings were impossible to hide at this point.

“I- ugh. Yeah, you’re right. I’m not really okay- I’m sorry.” You looked down at your lap, fiddling with your fingers. Jisung furrowed his eyebrows at your apology.

“No!! Don’t be sorry!” He exclaimed. You glanced up at him and slouched further into yourself. Silence filled both of your rooms. You didn’t know what to say. You were embarrassed; your fear of being abandoned was consuming every bit of you with each passing second the longer you stayed in your head. Abandonment issues weren’t something you’ve ever talked about with any of your friends, there was never a reason to. Not until you saw that photo of Renjun.

The silence stayed for what felt like an eternity of being stuck in your own thoughts on a loop. No matter how many times you tried to tell yourself that Renjun would never just drop you out of the blue, the anxiety just pushed back. Part of you says “he wouldn’t.” but the other part of you fights back with “but he could.” It was a never ending loop; spiraling into yourself with no end in sight. Jisung snapped you out of your thoughts with a question that caused your cheeks to burn with anxiety.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You chewed on your bottom lip and tried to sort your thoughts before speaking. Tears began forming in the corners of your eyes again and they fell down your still damp cheeks when you blinked.

“It’s- ahh. It’s just- that photo of Renjun and that girl. It’s like, stupid but I think it was just anxiety saying like ‘oh Renjun found someone new he doesn’t love me anymore’ kind of-” The string of words fell from you lips quickly and in a mess, your insecurities growing and getting the best of you. Your voice cracked and you sniffled before taking a shaky breath and rubbing your eyes, giving Jisung the opportunity to speak. He was hesitant at first, his voice wavering slightly; he wasn’t exactly sure what to do.

“Hey- um- breathe for a second. Can you, uhm, can you show me the photo?” You nodded and picked up your phone to open Instagram. A feeling of dread grew in your chest and stomach as your finger hovered over Renjun’s story. With a deep sigh, you opened the story, the photo popping up on your screen. You stared at Renjun’s smile for a second before tapping on the small paper airplane icon and sending it to Jisung. You waited quietly as Jisung opened Instagram to see the image. You laid on your back and positioned your phone next to you so the boy could still see you when he returned to the call.

While you were swimming in your own variety of conclusions, Jisung stared at the photo you had just sent, unsure of his next words. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair, knowing that he could potentially make you feel even worse in one way or another.

“Y/n- oh my goodness. Okay- that’s not- that’s like Renjun’s second cousin. We just met her today!” You stared at your ceiling as Jisung returned to the video call.

“I… are you serious? Oh my gosh.” You groaned, tears beginning to fall faster again. Jisung frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, still hating to see you so upset.

“Yeah! Please don’t cry.” Jisung tried to comfort you as best as he could through a tiny screen. You sniffled and whipped the tears from your face, only for more to fall. He sighed softly, feeling slightly helpless.

“Look, even if that wasn’t his relative, I can assure you that all of us love you and we would never just up and leave you for anyone else. Renjun especially. y/n he…” He paused for a second, trying to pick his words cautiously to avoid exposing any secrets that weren’t his.

“You’re his best friend. He, of all people, would never, ever do that to you.” Your tears began to slow as you listened to Jisung, taking in everything he said. The external rationalization was reassuring, but the ache from the idea of losing Renjun continued to loom deep in your chest.

“I know that your anxiety clouds your judgement sometimes but if I can do anything to help at any time, please let me know.” He paused for a second, quickly realizing that you were keeping quiet.

“But if you can’t talk to me for whatever reason, try to remember what I just said.” You sighed softly. Jisung was really trying, and even though your thoughts continued to run wild, you were grateful for his efforts.

“Thank you, Ji. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry for all that; it was just a huge scare about my best friend leaving me over what turned out to be nothing.” You rolled your eyes at yourself. You jumped to conclusions and got upset over a misunderstanding; you felt foolish. Jisung perked up and was quick to validate your feelings.

“Oh! No, please don’t feel like you need to say sorry for feeling.” He frowned at you and played with his fingers. You pursed your lips and looked down at your lap. Silence lingered for a couple seconds before Jisung spoke up again.

“Um, okay. I’m sorry of this is a dumb question, but like- are you sure that was the only reason for your reaction..?” The question made you tilt your head and bring your eyebrows together in slight confusion.

“Uh? Yes? What do you mean?” Jisung turned away and scratched the back of his neck.

“Ah like, I dunno. The use of best friend- I mean like, are you sure you aren’t like, jealous?” Jisung turned his head down slightly, looking up at you with a careful gaze, nibbling the inside of his lip. Your eyes widened and you blinked a few times. Your lips parted to speak and you raised your eyebrows, but the words got caught in your throat. Why is this so hard to answer? You furrowed your brows for a second, regaining your composure enough to form some sort of coherent sentence.

“Oh- well I mean I guess maybe?? But no. What?? He’s my best friend and he’ll always be my best friend.” You tripped over your words as they came out in a mess. Your heart sped up and your cheeks warmed slightly. What is happening?? Jisung furrowed his eyebrows and tugged at his fingers as words began falling from his lips.

“Right- I’m sorry-” He started to panic, but you cut him off softly before he could ramble an apology.

“It’s fine Jisung, don’t worry about it.” You sent him a small, half smile. He chewed on his bottom lip and averted his gaze. Without letting the guilt-filled silence linger, you sighed and clapped your hands together.

“Enough about this stuff. Tell me more about the trip, what have you been up to?” You smiled softly. Jisung looked at you hesitantly and you nodded; an attempt at reassuring him. He took a second and raised his eyebrows before breaking into a smile.

“Well, the day after we arrived we just sort of slept in, but in the afternoon we went into the city...” You smiled as enthusiasm filled his eyes again, but his voice became mere background noise as you got lost in your thoughts once more. Jisung’s previous question coming back and lingering in your mind; “are you sure that was the only reason for your reaction?”

Renjun is my best friend. I don’t want anything more.

You did your best to shake it from consuming you, wanting to focus on Jisung instead. But the tiniest voice in the back of your mind repeated in a loop, Renjun is my best friend. I don’t want anything more. Right?

Taglist: @lolibaaae @currentlyraisinghell

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disclaimer: updates will be stagnant. thank you for understanding :)

#neowritingsnet #thank you for reading!! #fic: why won't you love me #tw: anxiety #nct dream fluff #huang renjun #nct #nct dream #huang renjun fluff #nct fluff #huang renjun angst #nct angst #nct dream angst #huang renjun scenario #nct scenario #nct dream scenario #huang renjun imagine #nct imagine #nct dream imagine

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

this is my second semester with the same supervisor for my teaching assistantship and i gotta say i am getting really fed up with how unhelpful she is. i get that she has a lot going on, she has a small child and I know her days are very busy. but she was assigned to me as my graduate studies mentor in addition to being my boss, she definitely hasn’t fulfilled any of the expected duties of a mentor, and has also not been helpful in the least in supporting me as a TA. this is a cozy department, especially the graduate department, and it is expected that TAs and their supervisors have a relatively close working relationship. she is supposed to consistently meet with me to check in (once per week i believe - ha!), answer my questions, provide feedback, and at least to some extent offer advice on not just teaching but my grad school experience and my career goals. that is the mentoring part. i’m definitely not entitled to just any faculty’s support, but she’s in these roles for a reason, she agreed to them. 

it’s just frustrating i have to learn everything the hard way (screwing shit up) because she doesn’t take the time to explain or clarify anything, despite the fact last at the start of last semester i had zero experience with teaching or grading. like you’re just thrown to the wolves and all of a sudden someone who’s got nothing but a bachelor’s degree is expected to know how to be an educator. 

i mean sometimes when i grade even i feel anxious about the fact that my students futures are in my hands to some extent, that i have the power to determine if someone fails a class, and i don’t even know what the fuck i’m doing! i mean, i kinda do atp, but it’s kind of hilarious and scary how unqualified i was last semester. it’s a lot of responsibility!

so like, it’s really important for there to be communication, for there to be some semblance of a professional, reciprocal relationship. instead, i’m just here to grade papers and fulfill my one lecture per semester. to the students, i do not have a detectable role in the class whatsoever, and so they do not seek my support. why would they? they didn’t even know i wasn’t a student until today when i gave my lecture.

as for today...so i got all my ducks in a row for my lecture, my topic was perfect for the unit we’re in rn, i came up with an engagement activity i was stoked about that i thought they’d find interesting, i was confident about it. but she didn’t think to tell me ahead of time that the interface in this classroom is different than literally all the other classrooms i’ve been in on campus. and so when i got up there, i ran into tech issue after tech issue, the entire lecture and activity was punctuated with awkward pauses where i had to figure out the system, fussing with various cords and screens and browsers and shit i had to log into, and she literally just let me stand up there like a fucking idiot while i struggled??? like wtf??? she didn’t help me at all, she just sat in the back watching??? 

i was so distracted by the consistent tech difficulties that my lecturing was deffo subpar, i’m certain the students also had a hard time staying engaged, and all of this could have been avoided if she said ‘hey, just a head’s up, this system is totally different so maybe some in 15 mins early so we can work out the kinks’ or at least help me get shit working! 

it was super embarrassing and anxiety-provoking! so yeah i am blaming her that my lecture was such a flop (and that i made myself look like a fool)! i mean sure i could have continually asked her to come help me during my presentation, but that also makes me look dumb, and it should be obvious that i needed assistance. this is the theme with her, she lets me fuck shit up at my expense - and the expense of our students - instead of being proactive and understanding i’m still learning how this all works.

again, i just really wish she gave more of a shit about me getting the most from my teaching assistantship instead of only being concerned with leading the class and making sure i grade everything