#help me can i work until the night now so my commute is more bearable? (also i need the hours)

[ventigh]

im glad ppl enjoyed the solar eclipse! u see, the philippines also has this neat solar phenomenon going on and its called 40° heat index :)

#bro ull never find someone who likes the warmth more than me but this is getting ridiculous #help me can i work until the night now so my commute is more bearable? (also i need the hours)

[stylesfics-xx]

Chapter Eight: A Whole New World

Forever? Masterlist

16th January 2017 “Harry what do I wear?” Ashley asked her best friend bluntly from the other end of the phone as she riffled through her chaotically messy wardrobe. 

“You woke me up at five in the morning to ask me what you should wear? I thought something serious  had happened.” Harry mumbled, his head resting comfortably on his pillow.

“Harry this is a very important day, I need to look the part.”

“Ash, you do know it’s radio, no one is going to see you.” Harry assured her, “But if you want my advice, wear the red roll neck jumper, with those ripped black jeans and Doc Martens.”

“I knew I could count on you Harry.” she sighed.

“I hope it goes well today love.”

“So do I,” she sighed, before proceeding to hang up the phone. 

The tube was eerily quiet compared to Ashley’s usual journey to work, when she worked in the office her shift was 8 till 4, meaning hitting rush hour was inevitable, but getting to work for before 6AM meant an early tube, dropping Daisy off at the childminders on the way. Ashley was grateful that her journey was now somewhat more bearable, even despite the early wake up time, the only other commuters were those travelling in to the city for early starting jobs, and the people who had got drunk the night before and had spent the whole night asleep, travelling the whole length of the northern line. She hurried through the empty tube station, making sure not to be late. In an attempt to make a good impression on her fellow colleagues she stopped off at a nearby bakery that had just opened for the early morning rush, picking up a variation of croissants, pastries and donuts. 

Ashley hadn’t felt intimidated by the Capital FM offices since the day she started the internship, she hurried through, most desks were empty as the majority of people didn’t start work until what was deemed a more ‘sociable’ hour of the day. “Morning Ash, how are you feeling?” Roman greeted her as she entered the office kitchen, placing the box of pastries on the side, and continuing to make herself a cup of tea.

“Nervous, but in a good way I guess,” Ashley told him, taking a bite on a pain au chocolat.

“You’re going to be great, I’ll make sure to ease you into it, I’ll introduce you and you can talk as and when you feel comfortable, there’s no pressure, I promise.” Roman assured her, picking a croissant from the box, “The big bosses have also said can we call you Ash when we are on air? Something about coming across as more relatable.”

“Sure, everyone I’m close to calls me that anyway, I mean you’ve called me that ever since I have worked here.” 

“That’s great, you have about fifteen minutes to sort yourself out before we go live,” He explained.

“Alright Ro, cheers,” 

“Good morning, you are listening to the Capital Breakfast show on a wonderful, yet slightly murky Monday morning, with me Roman Kemp, and for the first time, my new co-host Ash Hanson.” Roman chimed, resulting in cheers and woops from the producers and tech team who were present in the studio, “Ash, I’ll let you introduce yourself.”

“I’m Ash. I’ve worked at capital for about a year now. I’m originally from the North of England, and most people probably know me for being good friends with a curly haired member of a little British boy band, who you might have heard of.” Somehow talking about Harry and the band made her nerves disappear.

“So Ash, can I assume that with you being so close to the One Direction boys, you have a few stories that would make the lives of me and my fellow One Direction fans a lot better?” Roman asked her.

“I won’t lie I’ve seen a lot, particularly at the after parties, but they are all sound lads, there’s some stuff I probably can’t tell you on air, because frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them is listening.” Ashley told him.

“And obviously we’ve heard a bit of solo stuff from Zayn, Louis and Niall, if you had to pick one of the boys based on their solo music who would you choose?” Roman asked.

“That is a tough one, I think based on what we’ve heard so far, I’d have to say Niall.” 

“Well on that One Direction related note, here’s This Town, on Capital Breakfast.” Roman said, before flicking a switch that meant their voices were no longer heard on air.

“Was that alright?” Ashley asked, taking a quick swig of her water.

“You’re doing great, you’ve got the  knack of it already.”

“Taxi for Miss Hanson.” Ashley looked up as she exited Capital, seeing an all too familiar Audi parked outside, Harry stood leant against it, wearing a black trench coat over a grey hoodie and black skinny jeans, with a pair of sunglasses on top of his head to push back his messy hair.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, approaching her best friend.

“Can’t I pick up my best friend after her first day of her new job?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It’s lovely of you to come down here, I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

“I mean I guess I wouldn’t say no.”

“Good, because you need to line your stomach.” Harry explained, as the pair of them climbed into his car.

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“We’re going out tonight.”

“There are two major factors that go against that Styles,” She told him, “Firstly I have a six month old daughter who is far too young to be left home alone, secondly I have work first thing in the morning.”

“Firstly, Daisy is going to have a sleepover at Auntie Gemma’s house, Secondly, you can stay in my spare bedroom, I’ll drive you to work in the morning.”

“What am I going to wear? I’ve spent the last year in tracksuit bottoms.”

“Well after our brunch, we’re going to Oxford Street to get you a new outfit.” Harry explained, parking up outside The Ivy.

“What’s all this in aid of?” Ashley asked, leaning her head back against the headrest.

“You Ashley Hanson, need to get laid.” Harry smirked.

“When did you reach that conclusion?”

“Well you aren’t coming to America for my birthday, so I thought we’d celebrate early, and I could wingman you.”

“Why don’t we try and get you laid instead?” Ashley insisted.

“Oh darling, I do not need any help in that department.”

“I’m so happy for you Harry, but frankly I’m not at a point in my life where getting laid is something I want to do, Daisy is my main priority.”

“Can we at least go out for my birthday tonight? Pretty please?” Harry asked, looking at her and fluttering his eyelashes.

“Alright! But I want to go to a nice bar, not some mad club.”

“It’s a deal.”

“Are you sure about this Harry?” Ashley asked, looking herself up and down in the full length mirror in Harry’s bathroom.

“We’re going to have a great time.” Harry assured her from his bedroom, next door to the bathroom.

““You really think this looks okay?” Ashley asked, entering Harry’s bedroom, she had gone for a black glittery bodycon dress paired with red heels.

“You look beautiful,” Harry told her, taken aback by his best friend who stood before him.

“I’m not sure about this dress, I’ve still got mum tum from when I was pregnant, and my boobs haven’t been the same since I started breastfeeding.” Ashley sighed, shrugging off the fact that Harry calling her beautiful made her stomach flutter.

“Love you wouldn’t even know you had given birth six months ago, and there is nothing wrong with your boobs,” Harry assured her.

“Have you been looking at my boobs Styles?” Ashley questioned, turning to look at her friend.

“Taxi’s here.” Harry replied, making a quick exit downstairs.

As promised Harry took Ashley to a swanky North London bar, the sort that you could only get into if you were well known, and with Harry being Harry, that was easy. Ashley and Harry’s previous attempts at nights out hadn’t ever really ended well, there was the night out in LA when the paparazzi gave Ashley a hard time, and Harry had to effectively cover her, and there was Ashley’s 18th, which resulted in a fight between Ashley and a fan. “Why are we here Harry?” Ashley asked him, taking a sip of her pornstar martini.

“To celebrate my birthday obviously.” Harry replied.

“I mean you’re Harry Styles, you could take literally anyone for drinks, but you chose me, a single mum, who lives in a one bedroom flat in South London and most of the time has either baby sick or milk on my clothes.”

“I didn’t want to take literally anyone out, you’re my best friend, you always have been, you always will be, I find it hard to trust people Ash, I’ve been screwed over by so many people who want to be friends with Harry the celebrity, not Harry from Holmes Chapel who would rather spend the night in watching a cheesy romcom than go to some overly prestigious party, and I’ve never had to worry about that when it comes to you,” Harry explained.

It was almost midnight when they arrived back at Harry’s, both of them feeling a little bit tipsy from the several cocktails they had consumed, “Ash, lets dance,” Harry took hold of his best friend’s hand, leading her into the kitchen.

“Harry, I have work in like six hours,” Ashley whined.

“Please, if it was my actual birthday we would be dancing together,” Harry begged, holding both of Ashley’s hands in his.

“Alright one song, then I’m going to bed.” Harry opened his phone shuffling his music, the first song that blared out of his surround sound was Still The One by Shania Twain, Harry took hold of Ashley, one hand on her waist whilst he used his free hand to hold her hand, the pair swayed along to the song, Ashley’s head resting against Harry’s chest, breathing in the smell of his aftershave mixed with the alcohol from the cocktails he had drunk. Ashley smiled up at her friend, his smile beamed back at her, edging his face closer to hers, their lips mere millimetres apart, she knew exactly what was about to happen, “No Harry, we don’t do that, you’re drunk.” She stepped back from his embrace.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine, I’ll see you in the morning,” she muttered before quickly exiting the kitchen.

“I meant it, I am sorry.”

“Good night Harry.”

[ibelieveinharrystyles]

Chapter Eight: A Whole New World

Forever? Masterlist

16th January 2017 “Harry what do I wear?” Ashley asked her best friend bluntly from the other end of the phone as she riffled through her chaotically messy wardrobe. 

“You woke me up at five in the morning to ask me what you should wear? I thought something serious  had happened.” Harry mumbled, his head resting comfortably on his pillow.

“Harry this is a very important day, I need to look the part.”

“Ash, you do know it’s radio, no one is going to see you.” Harry assured her, “But if you want my advice, wear the red roll neck jumper, with those ripped black jeans and Doc Martens.”

“I knew I could count on you Harry.” she sighed.

“I hope it goes well today love.”

“So do I,” she sighed, before proceeding to hang up the phone. 

The tube was eerily quiet compared to Ashley’s usual journey to work, when she worked in the office her shift was 8 till 4, meaning hitting rush hour was inevitable, but getting to work for before 6AM meant an early tube, dropping Daisy off at the childminders on the way. Ashley was grateful that her journey was now somewhat more bearable, even despite the early wake up time, the only other commuters were those travelling in to the city for early starting jobs, and the people who had got drunk the night before and had spent the whole night asleep, travelling the whole length of the northern line. She hurried through the empty tube station, making sure not to be late. In an attempt to make a good impression on her fellow colleagues she stopped off at a nearby bakery that had just opened for the early morning rush, picking up a variation of croissants, pastries and donuts. 

Ashley hadn’t felt intimidated by the Capital FM offices since the day she started the internship, she hurried through, most desks were empty as the majority of people didn’t start work until what was deemed a more ‘sociable’ hour of the day. “Morning Ash, how are you feeling?” Roman greeted her as she entered the office kitchen, placing the box of pastries on the side, and continuing to make herself a cup of tea.

“Nervous, but in a good way I guess,” Ashley told him, taking a bite on a pain au chocolat.

“You’re going to be great, I’ll make sure to ease you into it, I’ll introduce you and you can talk as and when you feel comfortable, there’s no pressure, I promise.” Roman assured her, picking a croissant from the box, “The big bosses have also said can we call you Ash when we are on air? Something about coming across as more relatable.”

“Sure, everyone I’m close to calls me that anyway, I mean you’ve called me that ever since I have worked here.” 

“That’s great, you have about fifteen minutes to sort yourself out before we go live,” He explained.

“Alright Ro, cheers,” 

“Good morning, you are listening to the Capital Breakfast show on a wonderful, yet slightly murky Monday morning, with me Roman Kemp, and for the first time, my new co-host Ash Hanson.” Roman chimed, resulting in cheers and woops from the producers and tech team who were present in the studio, “Ash, I’ll let you introduce yourself.”

“I’m Ash. I've worked at capital for about a year now. I'm originally from the North of England, and most people probably know me for being good friends with a curly haired member of a little British boy band, who you might have heard of.” Somehow talking about Harry and the band made her nerves disappear.

“So Ash, can I assume that with you being so close to the One Direction boys, you have a few stories that would make the lives of me and my fellow One Direction fans a lot better?” Roman asked her.

“I won’t lie I’ve seen a lot, particularly at the after parties, but they are all sound lads, there’s some stuff I probably can’t tell you on air, because frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them is listening.” Ashley told him.

“And obviously we’ve heard a bit of solo stuff from Zayn, Louis and Niall, if you had to pick one of the boys based on their solo music who would you choose?” Roman asked.

“That is a tough one, I think based on what we’ve heard so far, I’d have to say Niall.” 

“Well on that One Direction related note, here’s This Town, on Capital Breakfast.” Roman said, before flicking a switch that meant their voices were no longer heard on air.

“Was that alright?” Ashley asked, taking a quick swig of her water.

“You’re doing great, you’ve got the  knack of it already.”

“Taxi for Miss Hanson.” Ashley looked up as she exited Capital, seeing an all too familiar Audi parked outside, Harry stood leant against it, wearing a black trench coat over a grey hoodie and black skinny jeans, with a pair of sunglasses on top of his head to push back his messy hair.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, approaching her best friend.

“Can’t I pick up my best friend after her first day of her new job?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It’s lovely of you to come down here, I just wasn’t expecting it, that's all.”

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

“I mean I guess I wouldn’t say no.”

“Good, because you need to line your stomach.” Harry explained, as the pair of them climbed into his car.

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“We’re going out tonight.”

“There are two major factors that go against that Styles,” She told him, “Firstly I have a six month old daughter who is far too young to be left home alone, secondly I have work first thing in the morning.”

“Firstly, Daisy is going to have a sleepover at Auntie Gemma’s house, Secondly, you can stay in my spare bedroom, I’ll drive you to work in the morning.”

“What am I going to wear? I’ve spent the last year in tracksuit bottoms.”

“Well after our brunch, we’re going to Oxford Street to get you a new outfit.” Harry explained, parking up outside The Ivy.

“What’s all this in aid of?” Ashley asked, leaning her head back against the headrest.

“You Ashley Hanson, need to get laid.” Harry smirked.

“When did you reach that conclusion?”

“Well you aren’t coming to America for my birthday, so I thought we’d celebrate early, and I could wingman you.”

“Why don’t we try and get you laid instead?” Ashley insisted.

“Oh darling, I do not need any help in that department.”

“I’m so happy for you Harry, but frankly I’m not at a point in my life where getting laid is something I want to do, Daisy is my main priority.”

“Can we at least go out for my birthday tonight? Pretty please?” Harry asked, looking at her and fluttering his eyelashes.

“Alright! But I want to go to a nice bar, not some mad club.”

“It’s a deal.”

“Are you sure about this Harry?” Ashley asked, looking herself up and down in the full length mirror in Harry’s bathroom.

“We’re going to have a great time.” Harry assured her from his bedroom, next door to the bathroom.

““You really think this looks okay?” Ashley asked, entering Harry's bedroom, she had gone for a black glittery bodycon dress paired with red heels.

“You look beautiful,” Harry told her, taken aback by his best friend who stood before him.

“I’m not sure about this dress, I’ve still got mum tum from when I was pregnant, and my boobs haven’t been the same since I started breastfeeding.” Ashley sighed, shrugging off the fact that Harry calling her beautiful made her stomach flutter.

“Love you wouldn’t even know you had given birth six months ago, and there is nothing wrong with your boobs,” Harry assured her.

“Have you been looking at my boobs Styles?” Ashley questioned, turning to look at her friend.

“Taxi’s here.” Harry replied, making a quick exit downstairs.

As promised Harry took Ashley to a swanky North London bar, the sort that you could only get into if you were well known, and with Harry being Harry, that was easy. Ashley and Harry’s previous attempts at nights out hadn’t ever really ended well, there was the night out in LA when the paparazzi gave Ashley a hard time, and Harry had to effectively cover her, and there was Ashley’s 18th, which resulted in a fight between Ashley and a fan. “Why are we here Harry?” Ashley asked him, taking a sip of her pornstar martini.

“To celebrate my birthday obviously.” Harry replied.

“I mean you’re Harry Styles, you could take literally anyone for drinks, but you chose me, a single mum, who lives in a one bedroom flat in South London and most of the time has either baby sick or milk on my clothes.”

“I didn’t want to take literally anyone out, you’re my best friend, you always have been, you always will be, I find it hard to trust people Ash, I’ve been screwed over by so many people who want to be friends with Harry the celebrity, not Harry from Holmes Chapel who would rather spend the night in watching a cheesy romcom than go to some overly prestigious party, and I’ve never had to worry about that when it comes to you,” Harry explained.

It was almost midnight when they arrived back at Harry's, both of them feeling a little bit tipsy from the several cocktails they had consumed, “Ash, lets dance,” Harry took hold of his best friend’s hand, leading her into the kitchen.

“Harry, I have work in like six hours,” Ashley whined.

“Please, if it was my actual birthday we would be dancing together,” Harry begged, holding both of Ashley’s hands in his.

“Alright one song, then I’m going to bed.” Harry opened his phone shuffling his music, the first song that blared out of his surround sound was Still The One by Shania Twain, Harry took hold of Ashley, one hand on her waist whilst he used his free hand to hold her hand, the pair swayed along to the song, Ashley’s head resting against Harry’s chest, breathing in the smell of his aftershave mixed with the alcohol from the cocktails he had drunk. Ashley smiled up at her friend, his smile beamed back at her, edging his face closer to hers, their lips mere millimetres apart, she knew exactly what was about to happen, “No Harry, we don’t do that, you’re drunk.” She stepped back from his embrace.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine, I’ll see you in the morning,” she muttered before quickly exiting the kitchen.

“I meant it, I am sorry.”

“Good night Harry.”

#harry styles #one direction #harry styles imagines #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #one direction memes #harry styles one shot #harry styles best friend fic #harry styles blurb

[bulbpix]

If You Just Listened - Part 14

The ride back home was long. Painfully long. It was obnoxiously boring on the way to the station, but even more so on the way back. You leaned against the window, staring out into the gray Gotham sky. You felt strange admitting it, but Arthur made the ride much more bearable. Him and his nice-smelling hair.

You groaned, your cheeks turning pink at the embarrassing memory. You crossed your arms, sinking down into your seat.

You wondered what Arthur was doing so far away from home. Maybe it was a job prospect? No, there's no way he'd be able to make this commute on a frequent basis. So then, what could he be possibily be doing so far out?

You furrowed your eyebrows. It wasn't your place to poke your nose in Arthur's business... or his hair.

You groaned again, pulling your winter cap down over your eyes.

Why did I do that?

After the long and dull bus ride, followed by a long and dull walk home, you were finally back at your apartment. The sun was setting, and your day off was nearly over. You sighed, annoyed that you barely had a chance to relax. But, you quickly pushed that thought aside. You were there for Arthur and that's all that mattered.

You wasted no time stripping off your winter layers, dressing yourself in more comfortable clothes before collapsing on your bed. You barely remembered anything after laying down, falling into a deep sleep shortly after. You were exhausted...

THUMP! You shot up, pushing your face out of the pile of pillows. You heard the clanging of kitchenware against the floor from the apartment under you.

What was that?!

Your gaze shot up, looking towards the window. It was night now, it couldn't have been more than an hour since you fell asleep. Which meant...

Arthur wasn't home yet.

So then, what was that noise from his apartment? His mother should have been the only one home. Was she okay? Maybe she just tripped.

You hopped off the bed, pressing your ear against the groud.

A few seconds passed. A few more. A minute now. Two minutes.

You bit your nails, your anxiety growing in intensity.

God damn it, get up....

Another minute passed. Still nothing.

"Alright, screw this." You grabbed a sweater and quickly slid it on before jumping out on to your balcony. You rushed down the fire-escape steps, yanking Arthur's apartment window open with as much force as you could muster.

You hoped inside, scanning the living room for signs of her. You cautiously walked through, not sure of what exactly you were dealing with...

Please don't be burglars. Please don't be burglars.

You reached a door to what you assumed was the kitchen. Carefully, you pushed it open...

Penny was laying there on the ground, her arms shaking, reaching around herself without any direction. Her phone was dangling by its cord from the counter, a loud, flat dial tone coming from the speaker.

Your heart began pounding with fear. You were not experienced in first-aid care by any means. Yet within a week, you were thrust into these intense situations twice. First Arthur, and now his mother.

You dropped to the ground, pulling her head on to your lap.

"Ms. Fleck, can you hear me? What happened?!"

She tried to speak, but only responding in unintelligible mumbles.

You didn't know what was wrong. You didn't know how to help. You yanked the phone off the counter, your trembling fingers quickly dialing 911. Penny wasn't going to die. Not while you could do something about it. You wouldn't let this happen to Arthur. Not now.

You held Penny tightly by her shoulders, pressing her close to you.

Your voice was wobbly, and your grip on the phone was unstable, but you managed to get the message across.

"Please, please hurry... I don't know what to do, she can't talk, she's barely moving... I-I'm freaking out here. I'm freaking OUT here, please please tell the ambulance to come soon or she's going to die. She's going to die in my arms if you don't... I don't know what to...Please, please, tell them to hurry-"

"The ambulance is on its way ma'am, just calm down. They'll be there soon."

You nodded to yourself, trying to control your breathing. It was going to be okay. It was going to be okay.

After what felt like eternity, the paramedics finally arrived. You watched them strap her on to a stretcher, biting your nails the entire time. You followed them closely, your eyes never leaving Penny as they transported her down to the lobby.

"Is she going to be alright? Is she okay? What's wrong with her?"

The paramedics ignored your questioning, continuing to wheel her out into the courtyard. A crowd of apartment residents had gathered, trying to see what was going on. They briefly blocked your path, but you shoved them to the side, not wanting to leave Penny unaccompanied.

You pushed the final one to the side, exasperated and catching your breath. You latched on to the end of the stretcher as they began loading her into the ambulance.

"Mom? What... What's going on?"

Your eye flicked upwards. Arthur stood by you, his expression panicked, yet calm. It didn't seem like he knew you were there.

One of the medics blocked you both, holding his hand up to stop you two.

"Excuse me. Are you family?"

"I'm her son," he answered quietly, his gaze staying on Penny.

The medic turned to you.

"And you?"

Arthur looked up, surprised. He hadn't even noticed your presence.

"She's... She's um..."

"I'm his sister," you answered. "That's our mom."

The paramedic nodded, allowing you both on the ambulance. Arthur stared at you in what looked like amazement, stuck in place.

"Go, go. Let's go," you directed, gently pushing him into the ambulance and squeezing yourself beside him.

The ride to the hospital was a blur to you. Arthur was bombarded with questions about her medical history. You barely understood any of them, but he handled them with ease. You buried your face in your hands, praying that everything would go well.

After reaching the hospital, you and Arthur were instructed to stay in the waiting room as they ran some tests on her. Arthur was clearly drained and exhausted, so you did your best to gather all the paper work and handle the arrangements.

You sat there in silence for a few moments, before Arthur broke the air.

"I'm gonna head out to smoke," he sighed as he began to stand up. "I'll go with you," you blurted. You didn't want to leave him alone. "No, no. It's cold... you should just stay-" "If you need me, I'm there," you reminded him. "I'm coming with you." Arthur nodded in thanks, and the two of you stepped out into the frigid Gotham night.

You rarely smoked, but the events of that night called for nicotine. You smoked two cigarettes in a matter of minutes, but Arthur was way ahead of you. You both sat on a bench outside, shivering and puffing cigarettes like chimneys.

Thankfully however, smoking seemed to calm him down considerably. He sat up, clearing his throat.

"So... how did you find her?" he asked. You took another drag, coughing and shaking your head. "I just heard a thud from your apartment. I guessed something was wrong and I ran down... she was laying on the floor so I just..." you shrugged, taking another puff. "I just called 911. I didn't know how to help."

Arthur nodded, flicking his cigarette to the ground.

"Hey," he whispered. You looked up at him. "You made sure my mom was safe tonight. I don't know what would've happened if you weren't there. I don't think I can ever pay you back for that." You shook your head at him. "What- Arthur, no. No. You shouldn't even be thinking that." "It's true. You're the best sister I could ask for."

Arthur smiled, a small chuckle escaping his lips. You scoffed, punching his shoulder.

"Anytime, big bro."

You chatted with Arthur for a few minutes more, before eventually standing up and stretching. He quickly stood up after you, not wanting to be without company.

"I better go, Arthur. I gotta be up early tomorrow for work," you explained. You felt guilty leaving Arthur now, but you had no choice.

Arthur nodded, looking down at his feet and kicking a small pebble.

The sight nearly stopped your heart.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to go now but..."

Arthur shook his head. "No, please. You've done more than enough. You'd better head home."

You stared at Arthur for a few moments, smiling. You wished there was more you could do for him. You wished there was more you could say.

Arthur (on the other hand) let his actions speak for him. He took a step closer to you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you in for a hug. You sighed, hugging him tightly back. You rested your cheek on his shoulder, squeezing your eyes shut.

It'll be alright, buddy.

Arthur didn't know if it was right to do that or not, but God, did it feel good. It was exactly what he needed right now. His emotions and thoughts were swirling in his mind - How, of all days, did this have to be the day he wasn't home? You and his mother were the only people he cared about. He was beyond thankful that you were there to take care of her. But what if something happened to you? You were with him the ride there, but you were alone on the way back. If something happened to you while he wasn't there...

He squeezed you tighter, not wanting to imagine it. He swore from this day on, he would always be there to walk you home from work. No matter what.

You patted his back, gently pulling yourself away from him.

"Alright, I'm headed home, bud. You know my number. Call if you need anything."

It pained Arthur that he wouldn't be able to take you home tonight, but his mother needed him. He took a deep breath.

"Okay, okay. Thank you."

You smiled, giving him one last hug before making you way into the night.

Arthur's eyes stuck on you until they couldn't any longer.

@geronimosanna @theworldthroughmynikon @niniita-ah  @captainohgod @memory-mortis @handsomeguyslover @bitterspectrum @sosearchingromeo @aesikupills @mardema @ajokeformur-ray @lonesomevillain

A/N- MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE EVERYONE!!!

#joker #arthur fleck #joker x reader #arthur fleck x reader #slow burn #slowburn #joker x y/n #arthur fleck x y/n #joker x you #arthur fleck x you #If you just listened

[hayesit]

matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult. 

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace. 

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule. 

that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later). 

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a   “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to  “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

 this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her. 

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it. 

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me! 

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend. 

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now. 

#year in review #personal

[uschi-the-listener]

Why I Live in the Desert

...or, And So, It's Come to This...

I live in the Desert not far from Palm Springs. Parts of it are very pretty, and in winter, it's almost bearable. Most of the year, though, the water coming from the cold water tap is hotter than what comes from the hot water tap. People wear hats from necessity. A broken air conditioner is considered an emergency and landlords can be fined and/or jailed for not having it fixed or replaced within a very short time. The sun is a blistering presence. People run outside and dance if it rains, and it goes for many months, sometimes years, without raining. Dogs can't walk on the sidewalk and you can get serious burns if you bump up against a black vehicle with your bare skin. Rubber-soled shoes and bicycle tires can melt. Water is rationed. Lawns are brown and prickly. The local wildlife is scowling, aggressive, often venomous, and will eat your cat if you leave it outside at night. People born here are insular, leathery, and terse.

Why on earth anyone else lives here is a mystery to me. I know why I'm here and it's a long story. Not a shaggy-dog one, however, because a shaggy dog would die of heat stroke. It starts with a very bad job.

I was working the night shift for a televangelist, reading Prayer Requests and helping bilk the poor and stupid. I couldn't take much more and some of my comments and attitudes were making me unpopular with the boss, a millionaire, but a very small fish in the pond of TV preachers. I was newly married and my husband's business was starting to pay us a living wage, so he suggested I quit and take some time off. Before this, I had been supporting us with a series of bad jobs. My first degree was a Bachelor of Arts degree in English, which does not come with a line of employers waiting to hire the newly graduated. So working at the televangelist's night after night was at least sitting down. But otherwise repulsive.

So I quit. There still weren't many jobs in the area for English majors; we are educated and know how to read and write, do research and punctuate, but that's a rarefied atmosphere in today's job market, and apparently you have to know somebody to scale those heights. I didn't. I still don't.

After playing around, developing social media accounts and wasting a considerable amount of time, and helping with my husband's paperwork, I was ready for something else. He suggested I go back to school. There were a few things I'd always wanted to do, and they required advanced degrees. I knew I couldn't go on doing a very busy but somewhat unsatisfying version of Nothing Much, so I did. I went back for my master's degree. I achieved it, and started looking around.

I had been out of school for a little while, not finding work for interns in my field, but having a lot of enthusiasm for it. It was beginning to look like I'd be back to helping with paperwork and playing around online when my husband started experiencing terrible indigestion. He still loved food and ate well at every meal but his stomach felt bad and looked bad and all the Alka-Seltzer in the world was beginning to not make any difference. So, being a Veteran, he booked a quick appointment at the VA hospital for a check-up. He had been going regularly for blood pressure issues, but as nothing had ever seemed out of place, he was left to wonder about his stomach.

We went together. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving in 2014. The doctor asked him some questions, did a CAT scan, and scheduled an MRI immediately after seeing the results. The diagnosis was pancreatic cancer, Stage 4, that had begun to metastasize into his liver, his stomach, his bones, and a few other places. There had been no indication of any kind until he stopped being able to digest his food. It was inoperable. They were going to treat it with chemotherapy and get him hooked up to a feeding tube that bypassed his stomach. We held each other and cried.

I learned how to take care of him, but more was necessary. It was urgent, now that the main breadwinner in the family was no longer able to either win bread or eat it. He was able to get some social security disability money, but it was barely even enough to cover our rent, so it was imperative that I find something. Something that could support us both, as an intern.

He was a piano tuner/technician and covered the counties of Riverside, Los Angeles, San Bernardino, Orange, a little San Diego, and Ventura now and then. He had loyal clients all over Southern California. He was very good at his job, with over 40 years of experience, a sunny disposition, and realistic rates. He tuned for individuals as well as institutions and was friendly with all his customers. If he didn't like somebody, he passed them on to another tuner. There aren't enough tuners for the number of pianos in the country, so it's easy enough to pick and choose among customers. So he called in favors with people he knew who were even remotely related to my field.

He only found one job opening, which was in the desert, not far from where I'm living now. We lived two hours away at that time, but we had a reasonably good car and I was eager to work at what I'd been learning. So I interviewed and took it. It was a pretty good job; I was eventually promoted, and survived the commute, the invalid care when I came home, and was grateful.

And then he died.

He died at the very end of the month. He had been diagnosed at the end of November and by the end of August, he was dead. The check we had been counting on for the rent from SSDI was taken back and I was left with nothing. Devastated. At one swoop, I had lost my best friend and all my security. Credit was already all maxed out. I appealed to friends for loans of rent money, and my employer, a saint, asked people to pool their earned days off so I would have paid time to complete a move. 

It took a little while, but eventually somebody at work found an apartment that needed to be sub-let as the current resident had to leave the country. I suspected some kind of shady dealings, because I was left with a couple of shabby recliners, a very nice queen-size bed, and 5 huge old-style television sets. I asked no questions, was told no lies, and signed the lease. My son helped me move over the course of a weekend. It was not fun or good and my pets were pretty unhappy about it as well. I was grieving and barely able to function, though I went right back to work almost immediately.

This was in Autumn, shortly after the Hot Season, heading into the Not As Hot Season. It's been nearly 4 years since the move. I've weathered 130 degrees Fahrenheit and scorpions, vinegaroons, coyotes, and snakes. Lost jobs, lost friends, and loneliness. I've lived alone all this time, with only my little dog for company. I've worked at several jobs here in my chosen field in various capacities. Currently, I'm out of work, applying for jobs, not finding anything suitable, as the economy, at least for poor and middle class people, gradually sinks deeper into the toilet. So I'm back to playing around with my online friends and writing.

That's how it happened. Feel free to comment or just hit the Like button. I'm easily pleased. Send Nudes. I like dick pics. And Asks. 

#California desert

[sleeplessnightwithphan]

On The Early Morning Train

Summary: Nobody likes having to commute to their job in a packed train in the morning. Dan was no exception to that rule: he hated it with a passion. ( Ok, maybe the gorgeous looking guy who always sat opposite him made it -slightly- more bearable and Dan might even enjoy that bit about his day. But still.)

Genre: Fluff, angst(?)

Word Count: 3.5K

TW: None? Are there actually none? What is happening to me?

A/N: Special thanks to @rosaflagephil and @auroraphilealis for helping me turn this fic into something actually written in the english language. Ily guys <3

This fic is just me cementing my train kink to be honest. I have no idea how that became my branding, but I decided to embrace it, so yeah. This is the result. 

Read on AO3: X

Morning commutes used to be the thing Dan dreaded the most in his life.

Dan worked in a big law firm in central London that was slowly but surely draining his will to live out of him. But with the rental prices in the city centre being an arm and a leg, he couldn't quite afford to live anywhere near the big dark building he was employed in. Because of this, he had to rent an apartment on the outskirts of the city (that was still horribly overpriced if you asked him) and take the train to the centre every morning.

Of course, Dan wasn’t the only commuter who had this idea.

Every morning, when the train arrived in his station, it was awaited by an entire platform filled with men wearing dull suits and women carrying briefcase in their hands.

Dan used to take the train half an hour later, but he would have to spend the entire way trapped between other people. Being slightly agoraphobic, he'd started hating going to work even more than he had before.

But one day, when he was complaining about this to a coworker, she had told him that the earlier train was much less full. Ok, there were still a lot of people on it, but you could actually sit, and it was just a much more relaxing way to begin the day.

That was how Dan found himself at the train station every morning 40 minutes earlier than he would necessarily have to be. The getting up earlier was something he would gladly do in order to get rid of the overly stressful starts to his day.

And he had to say, his coworker had been right. Since he'd started taking the earlier train, he hadn't had to stay upright even once so far. He'd still had to sit next to a stranger, but at least now he could enjoy his cup of coffee (which he really needed in the morning - Dan was a bit of a night owl) without risking it being knocked out of his hands by someone.

Or at least, so he'd thought.

There he was one morning, just sipping from his coffee and checking his twitter, when all of a sudden the cup was launched from his hands and the contents splashed all over his white shirt.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, I'm so sorry!" a deep voice exclaimed, but Dan wasn't really looking in front of him to address the person standing there. He was too busy searching for some tissues to try and contain the damage done to his clothes (thank god the coffee had had some time to cool down).

"I'm so sorry, I just wanted to sit down on the seat here, please, oh my god, I'm so sorry, oh no, your shirt, oh god what have I done? " the guy continued to babble, and in his peripheral vision Dan could see him sitting down and reaching out to give him some tissues to clean up.

Dan wasn't exactly angry with this guy though, a coffee stain on his shirt wasn't the end of the world. Besides, there was no point in holding a grudge against the guy, knowing this was something that Dan could've done to someone too - and honestly, Dan was quite surprised it hadn't happened yet.

"Don't worry about it too much, it's alright I suppose, I... " Dan looked up to take the tissues from the other guy, but felt the words getting stuck in his throat when he had a proper look at him.

Sitting in front of him, looking at him with a slight hint of panic in his eyes, was the prettiest guy Dan had ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. And Dan had gone home with a lot of beautiful men is his years, so that was saying something.

"Are you sure? Is there anything I can do, anything at all? Once again, I'm so so sorry, and I can't believe this happened. I mean, I know I'm clumsy and all that, but this is a new low, even for me," the guy spoke, smiling a bit, and Dan had to tell himself that no, he couldn't kiss those lips, no Dan, don't, you don't know him, stop.

"Yeah, it's alright, not really something you can do to help me anyway. And it's not like you intended to knock me over anyway. Or did you?" Dan smiled at the man, trying to show him that he really wasn't mad, maybe even trying to flirt a little bit - he wasn’t stupid enough to miss out on a chance like this. 

"Well, ok then I guess, " the man said, oblivious to the flirtatious undertone (or maybe just not addressing it in an attempt to not have to turn Dan down. Of course, knowing Dan’s luck, he should’ve seen that coming). And with that, he had seemingly calmed down enough to look at his phone and relax for the rest of the journey, leaving Dan alone with his daydreaming about the gorgeous man.

***

The next morning, Dan was just sitting on the train again, sipping his coffee once more, when someone sat down opposite him again.

"How much do I owe you?"

Dan was a little bit confused at first, but when he looked up, he saw that the same guy from yesterday was sitting in the seat, holding his wallet open in his hands and looking at him expectantly.

"How much do you owe me? What do you mean?" Dan asked, not exactly sure what he was getting at.

"How much do I owe you?  How much do I have to pay you?" the man stated as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Wait, you want to pay me? Why?"

The man sighted. "Because I spilled coffee on you, coffee that you paid for. And I ruined your shirt, which you need to get cleaned somewhere, and I know that that's not cheap. So, because it's my fault you had to spend that money, I should be repaying you."

Dan started laughing at this, making the other guy look at him in confusion.

"Oh please, no, you don't have to pay me. The coffee was almost empty anyway, and I have a washing machine so cleaning the shirt didn't cost me a penny." Dan answered, because how the hell would he be able to take this guys money? He'd only feel bad about it.

But the man seemed to be determined.

"No, no, no. I ruined your morning yesterday and I made you walk around the office all day with a gigantic coffee stain on your shirt. You had every right to scream at me yesterday, but you didn't. Which I appreciate by the way, but still. And now you're over here making excuses as to why I shouldn't be paying you back, but I still should. So please, just tell me how much I owe you, if not for you then just to give me some peace of mind."

He had to say, Dan was impressed with this guy's determination to pay him back. Sensing that he wouldn't give up until he had gotten an answer, he decided to just allow him to pay him back.

"The coffee cost me £4. And as for the cleaning of the shirt, that will cost you to stop apologising and tell me your name, ok?"

It took the other man a few seconds to react to what Dan had said, but it was long enough to allow Dan to start overanalyzing the entire situation. Had he just made things really awkward? Was this something that he wasn't expected to say? Had he messed this up?

But then the guy started laughing, and pulled the money out of his wallet.

"Here you go, that'll be the coffee. And my repayment for the shirt; my name is Phil."

***

After that day, Dan and Phil became fast friends.

Every morning, Dan would sit down on one of the seats in the second-to-last wagon, and every day Phil would come sit opposite him when he got on the train as well.

Dan learned that Phil got on the train a stop later than he did, and that he worked as a technician for the BBC radio 1 Breakfast Show. He learned that Phil had a brother called Martyn, a dog called Buffy, that he was lactose intolerant, that he loved horror films but also had a soft spot for real estate shows, and a bunch more random facts that he honestly didn't know how ended up in their conversations.

In exchange, Dan told Phil all about his boring job as a lawyer and his wishes to change his profession and actually do something he enjoyed, his latest Netflix obsessions, the things he had read about on his 2AM wikipedia odysseys, and anything he felt passionate about really.

They didn't speak anywhere besides their morning commutes though. The moment the train stopped and Dan and Phil had to get off, they went their separate ways; no texting, calling, social media messaging. No contact.

Until the following morning, when they would start over again.

Dan had thought about giving Phil his number, because he was feeling things for Phil that might not have been strictly platonic anymore.

He started to want to text Phil about the things he saw in his day-to-day life that reminded Dan of him (which happened a lot nowadays). Send him a link to a funny video, a picture of a dog he saw on his walk to the office, anything really.

But then one day, Phil brought up how he and his girlfriend watched a certain Netflix show together, and Dan had to try his best to not let the disappointment and hurt show on his face.

After that, he decided that it would be easier not to get too attached and just keep his friendship with Phil contained within the walls of the train, where he would be able to control them better.

***

It had been 4 months since Dan and Phil had met on the train, and they had sat together every day since without ever skipping a trip.

Which is why it took Dan a minute to realise that Phil hadn't come in today.

Instead, there was a young woman sitting in his seat. Dan was about to tell the girl the seat was taken, when he saw that the station they were currently in was already the third one on their way to London, and Phil should've already gotten on.

Maybe he was sick? Maybe he overslept, and missed the train? Or maybe he had a day off?

Although Dan wasn't really all that happy about it, he had to remind himself about the fact that he couldn't possibly be mad at Phil about this. The guy had no way of contacting Dan, in the end. It had been his idea to keep their "thing" bound to the train and their morning commute.

Besides, Phil would probably be back on the train tomorrow.

Except he wasn't.

The next day, the seat in front of him was taken by a random person as well. And the day after that.

It had been 2 weeks since Dan had last seen Phil. And every day, he lost a bit more hope over seeing him again.

And even though he wouldn't admit it to himself at first, he really started to regret never giving Phil any way of contacting him.

***

Like every morning, Dan was sat down in the wagon he always took place in. He had toyed with the idea of moving into a different wagon a few times, but somehow he always ended up right here, where he used to see Phil every day.

The train had left the station a few minutes ago, and Dan was busy scrolling through Twitter, when out of the corner of his eyes he saw that someone sat down on the empty seat in front of him.

He looked up from his phone, out of curiosity more than anything, wanting to see who had taken so long to get from the door of the train to a seat - there were more than enough empty ones still, so it wasn’t like they had to roam down the entire train.

Dan was fully expecting a middle aged, grumpy looking man sitting opposite him, so he was extra surprised when he looked into two beautiful blue eyes, staring straight at him.

"Phil? Err, what, err... hi?" Dan stammered, not really sure what to say. This was the last thing he had been expecting when he had woken up this morning.

"Hi Dan, how are you?" Phil said, voice sounding apologetic, giving him a half smile.

But Dan wasn't in the mood for small talk. Honestly, he was trying his best to contain the urge to start shouting at Phil like he wanted to.

"What... what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in weeks!" Dan eventually managed to say, still feeling very mixed emotions over seeing Phil sitting there again.

Letting out a sigh, Phil looked down at his hands, which were toying with a loose thread on his jeans.

"I know I just disappeared, but I had no way to contact you and tell you what had happened. It's kind of a long story to be honest, and I don't think it's something we can talk about on the train either." Phil looked back up at Dan, giving him a half smile.

"Is there any possibility that we could meet up some time, so that I can explain everything to you?"

And of course, Dan agreed to that.

***

Which is how Dan found himself going from not having seen Phil in weeks to being invited to his apartment for dinner the next day.

They had in fact exchanged numbers this time, but Dan still felt like he shouldn't text Phil, however much he wanted to. He wanted to hear the reason why Phil had disappeared first.

Dan arrived at Phil's front door 15 minutes too early, but he was still in the process of knocking when the door swung open to reveal Phil standing there.

"Hi there Dan, did you manage to find it well? I'm cooking lasagna, but I still have to put it in the oven so it's gonna be another half an hour before we can eat. You can just go sit down in the lounge and I'll come join you in a bit," he said, stepping aside as to invite Dan in, before disappearing to go to what Dan assumed to be the kitchen.

Phil's apartment was, in a way, exactly how Dan had imagined the place would look, but also  completely different. There were pops of colours everywhere, nerdy trinkets scattered all around the lounge, a complete mismatch of patterns and materials that somehow still worked together. Basically, the place was Phil translated into furniture.

But what Dan hadn't been expecting was the sense of being at home that he immediately got when he walked through the door. The feeling of being safe and secure, the sense of not wanting to leave. A feeling he never got with his own place, even though he had been living there for 2 years already.

Dan had been sitting in the lounge on his own for about 5 minutes when Phil walked back in, carrying 2 cups of tea. He handed Dan a mug in the shape of Hello Kitty before sitting down on the couch next to him.

"So, how have you been?" Phil asked, attempting to make small talk, but his voice was laced with nervousness.

Not really in the mood to delay any longer, Dan decided to just get to the point immediately.

"Well, i've been alright really, except for the fact that you disappeared on me, but otherwise I've been doing fine." Dan said, being the sarcastic little shit he always was. But he did regret saying that a little when he saw Phil's facial expression fall, and he could see the guilt and hurt on his face. Maybe he had overdone it a little bit.

"I guess I owe you an apology for that, right? Oh well, might as well get to it." Phil said before putting his tea down and turning to face Dan.

"Long story short, I have had a few changes in my life recently. Things that I really didn't see coming, and which have made me have to switch a few things up. The first thing that happened is that me and my girlfriend broke up."

Phil paused for a moment, and Dan didn't know if he should be happy with this news or feel sad, because it meant that he might have a small chance of getting Phil, but it was clearly something that was hurting Phil.

"We hadn't really been together for that long, only a few months," Phil continued, "but the problem was that she was a coworker on the breakfast show. She was kind of my boss. And we didn't really end things... amicably, so to speak. She had been cheating on me pretty much the entire time we were together"

Dan, sensing that Phil was having troubles speaking about this, reached out and took Phil's hand in his, softly stroking his knuckles. He smiled up at Phil encouragingly, which caused Phil to smile a little bit back.

“I ended up being transferred away to the evening show, because she didn’t want me around anymore.” He continued. “It’s a nice job. My coworkers are much more fun, and I don’t have to come in as early anymore so commuting is a lot easier.”

“What do you mean, those early morning trains weren’t the best bit of your day? Full trains are the best thing there is, aren’t they?” Dan joked, hoping to get Phil to smile a little bit. But Phil only ended up looking at him with more intent, more seriously.

“That’s the problem here, Dan. Those early morning commutes were made a lot more bearable because of your presence. I even maybe looked forward to them a bit. To your fatalistic humour and the little facts you would tell me you only learned yourself the night before on one of your Wikipedia Odysseys.”

Phil took Dan’s hand in his this time, sitting up straighter, and looking Dan directly in the eyes.

“And at first I didn’t really think anything of it, I just thought I liked you as a friend. But then when I wasn’t on the early trains anymore and I couldn’t reach you anymore, I found that I missed you so much. More than I probably should have. More than can be considered strictly platonic missing, if that makes sense.”

Phil’s face had become clouded over by something Dan thought to be fear, so Dan flashed him a big smile, mirroring what he was feeling inside, what was going through his head. Had Dan heard that correctly? More than strictly platonic? Was there any hope for them after all?

The smile apparently helped Phil to continue his story, looking a bit less frightened.

“And when I realised that, I knew i had to find you again and talk to you. I tried looking for you on facebook, but do you have any idea how many people called Dan Howell there are on that site? So then eventually I just decided to get on a train yesterday, to see if you were still there. Because I simply couldn’t deal with not seeing you anymore. I had to talk to you, had to tell you how I feel.”

And Dan, still grinning like an idiot, actually giggled at that. Because he was finding it harder and harder to contain his feelings.

“So, what do you say Dan? Would you maybe consider forgiving me for abandoning you? Perhaps I could pay you back by taking you on a date sometime soon,” Phil asked, a smile slowly spreading on his face too, and Dan couldn’t contain himself anymore.

He launched himself forward, throwing his arms around Phil’s neck, and pulling them close.

“Of course I will, you idiot,” he whispered into Phil’s neck, before pulling back a bit to look into Phil’s eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that he never wanted to miss looking into again for even a single day. And then those eyes were getting closer, and they eventually closed as Phil pressed a shy kiss to Dan’s lips.

Somehow, that one shy kiss turned into kissing on the couch for half an hour, before they were startled by an alarm on Phil’s phone reminding them to take the lasagna out of the oven.

(It ended up being slightly burned, because it took them another 5 minutes to stop kissing long enough for Phil to get it out of the oven).

Seated at Phil’s table, in Phil’s apartment, eating the lasagne Phil had made, Dan decided he didn’t hate his morning commute as much anymore.

Because if not for that, he wouldn’t have met this wonderful person he was currently holding hands with.

#phanfic #phanfiction #fluff #bit of angst #surprisingly low amount of angst though #considering I wrote it #choo choo

[soratalks]

Recovering from Missed Trains

Series: Love Live! Sunshine!

Pairings: MariYou (Mention of ChikaRiko and KanaDia)

A/N: This is my first time writing anything for this pairing so I hope I did it justice! This fic has both angst and fluff, so something for everyone! And it’s set in the winter so perfect as we move into winter ourselves (we had our first snow of the year where I’m from the day I started this actually.)  More notes at the bottom of the post but for now I hope you enjoy!

(P.S. I genuinely considered titling this "Snow Homo" and I’ve been laughing about it for weeks.)

A light snow dusts the concrete of the train boarding platform, unscathed by the usual hustle and bustle of commuters on this cold winter night. The platforms only occupant is a lone girl seated on a bench curled up in an attempt to keep herself warm. The silence of the night is broken only by the crunch of fresh snow under her boots and the occasional sniffle of her nose, that is until the loud booming of the incoming train interrupts it. The train comes to a stop and opens it's doors. No one exits the train, no one boards.

After a few minutes the doors close and the train begins its slow roll into the night again, leaving the young girl on her lonely bench. She let's out a sigh, releasing silver colored breath into the dark.

“You missed your train” a voice says from behind the young girl. The girl might have been startled, but the voice was too familiar for her to be.

“Yeah I guess, but that means you did too, Mari” the girl replies with a knowing tone.

“Yeah I guess” Mari replies, showing no interest in arguing. “So, what’s your reason, You?” she asks, moving to stand next to the bench.

You rotates her glassy stare away from the floor to Mari where she's met with bright eyes and a weak smile. “I didn't want to go home” You replies, her voice small.

“Well, I guess we're the same then” Mari says with a forced laugh. “Do you want anything?” she asks lazily pointing to the vending machine in the corner, brightly lit in white light against the dark backdrop.

“No thanks” You answers, returning her gaze to the floor. She listens to the sound of Mari’s boots scraping across the snow, the click of the coins being inserted, the small dings of the buttons, the crash of the drink at the bottom of the machine. More dings, another crash.

“Here” Mari says when she returns to You’s side, holding a can of hot chocolate in front of You’s downcast gaze.

You decides it's too late to argue and accepts with a “thanks.” They both crack open their cans and take a sip. The warm liquids return a bit of color to their pale faces.

You holds her hot chocolate in both hands to capture all the warmth possible. “You like coffee too?” You asks.

“Hmm? Yeah I like coffee” Mari contemplates her drink while she speaks. “But who do you mean by ‘too’” she asks.

“Oh…” You pauses, realizing what she said. “Riko always drinks it.”

“Yeah” Mari takes another sip “she does too.”

You curls her nose, “It's too bitter for me” she sticks her tongue out to display her displeasure

“Hmm? Yeah that's what a lot of people say.” Mari says dully.

They fall silent. The quiet sound of Mari sipping her coffee seems to echo. You awkwardly scrapes her boot across the snow trying to fill the silence with anything. “So, how long until the next train?” She asks, latching onto the first bearable topic that pops into her head.

“I dunno, awhile-” Mari breathes out in response. “Are you planning to get on that one?” she asks.

You’s heart drops. “I… I don't know” she says, awkwardly pulling at the fray of her scarf. As it turned out that wasn't the simplest topic either. “What about you?” she redirects to her senior.

“I dunno” she answers the same. “But, if neither of us know whether to get on the next train or not, there's no real point in waiting for it, is there?” she asks, her eyes lighting up.

“I guess not” You answers regardless.

Mari turns her head to look at You who's staring up at her. She cracks a small smile “Then let's go someplace else.”

You raises one of her eyebrows at this suggestion, “like where?” she asks.

“I don't know!” Mari answers, her tone louder and brighter than before “let's just go! We’ll figure it out when we get there!”

She’s getting excited; You thinks that it's kinda cute, but keeps it to herself.ll

You stands up off her lonely bench and returns Mari’s expectant gaze. “Okay, lead the way.”

Mari jumps in excitement and turns on her heel yelling ”woo-hoo! Adventure!”

You walks close behind her, smiling for the first time in what feels like forever.

-

They walk together, You a few steps behind, in a comfortable silence. You tries to step in the footprints Mari leaves in the deepening snow to pass the time. She has to stretch a bit each step since Mari’s strides are longer than hers.

Their trek through the snow for almost 20 minutes before You asks, “So, where are we going?”

“Hmm? I don't know” Mari replies complacently.

“Well you're walking in front, so you should decide” You says.

“Is that how this works?” Mari asks, her tone playful.

“Yes it is, you're in the lead, you're my senior, you're in charge” You answers, exasperated.

“Okay” Mari stops suddenly causing You to nearly bump into her. “Let’s play here” she decides.

“Play?” You asks, puzzled when she turns to what Mari is facing, an empty snow covered field.

“Yes play! When's the last time you played in the snow?” she asks.

“I dunno, it's been years” You looks off in the distance recalling the memory. She and Chika played together on the day of the first snow years ago, they were still in junior high. She remembers them building a snowman, making snow angels, having a snowball fight. They had so much fun together back then, just the two of them.

Just as You began to get lost in thought she's brought back down to earth by the sensation of snow pelting her in the cheek. She immediately looks over to see the source, Mari, and she's already bending down to pick up more frozen ammunition.

“you make yourself a very easy target if you just stand there~” Mari says with a teasing tone.

“Why you, I’ll get you back!” You says hurriedly scooping up some snow, but just as she begins winding up to throw her own another ball pummels her chest.

Mari just sticks out her tongue to taunt You then turns around, and runs away into the snowy field. You gives chase and they each exchange snowballs back and forth. They play for nearly an hour before both of them fall, completely exhausted, onto their backs next to each other in the center of the field.

“Wow… I haven't had that much fun since… I don't even know” You says between heavy breaths. She turns her head to look at Mari lying next to her, and Mari looks back at her. Mari, without looking away, starts flailing her arms across the snowy surface.

This perplexes You, “What… are you doing exactly?” she questions.

“Making a snow angel, of course!” Mari answers not missing a beat, or a flail.

You starts to giggle, but it slowly turns into an irrepressible laughter. She can't help but laugh. Mari soon joins in; both of them laugh until they can hardly breathe. You can't tell if she's laughing at Mari’s snow angel or her dorky laugh by the time they finally start to calm down.

“Whew-” You catches her breath, while at the same time starting to gently move her arms to make an angel of her own. “I've really had a blast tonight Mari, thank you” You says with sincerity, looking back up to the cloudy sky.

“No problem~ it's been fun for both of us” Mari replies. “I'm glad we missed our train” she adds with a smile.

“Me too” You says, stopping her arms deciding her snow wings were good enough.

Mari looks up to the night sky as well “Your parents aren't worried that you're not home, are they?” she asks.

“Nah, they think I'm staying at Chika’s house” You bites her tongue, she didn't want to tell Mari that.

“Oh? Why aren't you?” Mari asks, sounding a bit concerned.

“Mmm…” You pauses, thinking hard on her reply. “I was going to stay, but Riko came over instead” that's the least conspicuous answer she could come up with.

“You can't both spend the night at Chika’s?” Mari presses on.

“Well, yeah Chika wouldn't tell me no. But I think they'd rather it be, y’know, just the two of them” You says, her voice starting to get hoarse.

Mari doesn't reply, she sits silently knowing she may have asked too much. She waits while You collects herself.

You coughs lightly into her mitten, then wipes her damp face hopelessly praying that Mari didn't notice,

“So why- why were you here then?” You chokes out a question as best she can through the lump in her throat, trying anything to change the subject.

“I kind of knew this might happen… Like I already said. We're the same” You doesn't follow Mari’s logic but stays silent, waiting for Mari to explain. Mari takes a deep breath and continues “About a year ago, maybe more, a similar thing happened to me. Kanan invited me over so of course I went, I always went. When I arrived, Dia was there, of course she was there, she was always there.” Mari pauses, gathering her thoughts. She reaches her snow covered mitten out to the sky, studying the back, then the front, the back again. “I had loved Kanan for as long as I could remember, but she never knew. I felt like, if I'd told her we might have lost some of the special bond we held. But in the end I only made it worse. I told her in the worst way possible. I let loose of my emotions that night while I was with Kanan and Dia. They didn't do anything really, I'm not sure if it's just the way Kanan looks at her, or if it was just entirely in my head. But I couldn't take it, I ran out of her house into the night. Of course they followed, they always followed. And that's how I confessed. With tears in my eyes on a random street corner I don't even know the name of.” Mari let's the hand she'd been holding in the air fall onto her chest. “Of course I was turned down. I'd always known I'd be turned down. They were in love, Kanan and Dia, it was always so obvious. I went home alone that night and cried until I eventually was too exhausted to any longer. Then when I saw them at school on Monday I acted like nothing ever happened. That's the most awful experience I've ever had. Do you understand You?” Mari turns her head to look at You who had been staring during her entire story, her face still wet with tears.

You just shakes her head.

“Like I said, we're the same. I feel like, I have to be there for you- no, I want to be there for you, because I know what it's like to go through that alone and I don't want you to have to.” Mari flashes a weak smile “you can lean on me, I’ll be your shoulder to cry on.”

Mari notices that You’s cheeks are now flush and her expression has changed to one of anger, then in an instant You rolls over ruining her snow angel as if the angel up and left it's spot in the ice; she crawls on her hands and knees until she's hanging over Mari staring directly into her eyes “Idiot! You expect me to accept that?” She yells, her scarf that was tightly tied around her neck begins to come undone, unraveling onto Mari’s chest “You think I’ll just cry into your shoulder without a second thought, without ever thinking how you never had a shoulder to cry on yourself!? You're such an idiot!” Tears are streaming down You’s face and falling like raindrops onto Mari’s cheeks. Mari’s mouth is agape, in shock from You’s reaction. You moves her hands that were supporting her weight over Mari to behind Mari’s head, embracing her as she leans her head down onto Mari’s shoulder. You speaks in a whisper now, right next to Mari’s ear “From now on, I’ll lean on you, and you’ll lean on me; if I can cry on your shoulder, you can cry on mine. We’ll both be there for each other. Promise me.”

Tears slowly start traveling down Mari’s cheeks, dancing with those of You’s tears still left there. She let's her eyelids fall and comfortably leans into You’s embrace wrapping her own arms around You’s back and nuzzling her face into the crook of You’s neck. Finally, her mouth turns into a smile “Okay, promise.”

-

The two girls leave the empty field and begin their trek back to the train station, side by side.

“Can I sleep at your place tonight?” You asks, pressing her fingers together timidly. “I don't want to show up back home this late when I'm supposed to be at Chika’s tonight” she explains.

“Yes! I can set you up a futon next to my bed! It’ll be a sleepover!” Mari yells excitedly.

You giggles “Okay, sounds fun, thanks a lot” she agrees. “and…” You begins, causing Mari to look over at her “Will you promise me one more thing?” You pleads.

“Hmm? What is it?” Mari tilts her head questioningly.

“Promise me we’ll do this again, play in the snow in that field I mean.” You’s face is bright red despite the cold.

Mari can't help but smile “Of course.”

- Several Years Later

You and Mari, stand in the same snowy field together, hand in hand.

“It's good to be back” You says, taking a deep breath of cold, crisp air.

“Yeah, it takes me back everytime” Mari adds, clasping You’s hand just a bit tighter.

You uses her free hand to move a stray strand of hair back behind her ear, and then takes a moment to examine that hand and the small, sparkling silver ring on her ring finger. She smiles to herself.

But her concentration is broken by the feeling of cold against her head. When she turns to look at the source, it’s none other than Mari. You hadn't even noticed her slip away, but she smiles at the familiar situation.

“You're spacing out again! That ring isn't going anywhere!” Mari teases.

“I know!” You yells back, bending down to pick up some snow herself “I'll get you back for that cheap shot!” she adds, chasing after her lover into the same snowy field, just as she has many times since the first, and just as she hopes she will many times in the years to come.

A/N: This fic was requested by my friend @desukas. I really didn't know anything about this pairing but after her description of it I was really interested! Now that the fic is done I feel like I could definitely ship this rarepair! Thank you for reading!

#sora writes #mariyou #love live sunshine #love live! #love live! sunshine!! #love live #mari ohara #you watanabe #fan fiction #angst #fluff #fluff fanfiction #angst fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction

[bigbangclappin]

Militant Mind ft. T.O.P

Genre: angst af

Pairing: ReaderXTabi

Word Count: 2,008

A/N: i’M SORRY IF THIS IS TOO SOON…also I left the ending kind of open so you could decide for yourself how it should end.

p.s—I hope we get pictures of this man in uniform.

He held you close despite the fact that he hated public displays of affection. You wouldn’t cry, you refused to make him feel bad for something he had to do. You just embraced the feeling of his fingers running through your hair and the other resting on your waist.

“They’re calling for me jagi.”

You sighed you felt as if you were bowing out of your three year relationship. Maybe less than graceful however, you were upset but how could you be angry with Seunghyun when he had no control over his mandatory service?

You gave his large hand a squeeze and stepped back slightly, “Call me when you can.”

He placed one last soft kiss on your head then you had to watch him get on the bus that would take him from you for two years.

As time would have it things became easier to cope with. You adjusted to your life without your boyfriend. Seunghyun was a quiet soul at home so you didn’t really notice his absence until the third month of his service. When his clothes in the closet remained filled to the brim, and the fine imported shoes started to collect dust.

He may have been quiet but at home he was affectionate; you always sat with him when he read his books either in his lap or tucked away in his side. You shared cigarette chats out on the patio that overlooked the night life, almost every evening and you were starting to feel that loneliness that you called other women shallow for.

You didn’t want to burden Seunghyun with it so you inadvertently missed his call home.

Trying to tell yourself that it was better to ride out this wave of bitterness than to take it out on him when he didn’t want to be away from home anymore than you wanted him to be.

Bucking up for his next call you made up excuse detailing that work had gotten busier so you and your coworkers had to stay later. He said it was fine and just picked up where he left off with you.

At the end of his first year mark something in him was beginning to worry you. For selfish reasons you knew, but you couldn’t help but notice how much he started to enjoy the militant life. Conversations over the phone made you worried but when you were allowed to visit him on the base your fear spiked to an all time high.

His officers and comrades spoke so highly of him, which to you wasn’t a bad thing, but you could see he was losing interest in the career he left behind. Naturally that could only mean he was losing interest in you too. During the rest of the visit you didn’t voice your concerns, you just soaked up the time you had with him, once again chalking it up to you being lonely.

Six months passed just as rapidly as before; you received a promotion and your work load increased keeping your mind off your relationship. Literally you had become so busy at your marketing agency that you missed more phone calls from your boyfriend than you had ever intended.

He was so understanding that some of your concerns from before were offset. Life was peaceful you adjusted to a more comfortable routine now that you didn’t have cause to think about anything that didn’t have to do with a product campaign.

Your first fight over the phone happened when a conference of the highest importance conflicted with a weekend visit to the military base.

“Mianhe oppa,” you had said as sweetly as you could, “I don’t think I’m going to be able to go with your parents this weekend…”

“Are you ill?” the annoyance in his deep voice echoed around in your ear.

“No I have a conference in Japan for one of our international clients.”

He sighed, “I only get so many visits (y/n)-ah can’t you push this meeting around or something?”

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled a little disappointed he wasn’t being as sympathetic as before, “It’s been planned for weeks.”

“I haven’t seen you in months!” he snapped at you and you thought you heard a hard thud, as if he had smacked the wall.

You knew he wasn’t in a situation he chose so you tried so very hard to keep from getting angry. But tensions were high as you felt guilty for blowing him off, but it was for work he of all people should have understood that.

“I have seen you three times in the course of two years Seunghyun,” you bit through gritted teeth, “And I haven’t said a single word about it the least you could do is bite your tongue for me this one time.”

The only sound you heard was his hard breathing for a few seconds, “Is this trip really only for business?”

You couldn’t stop the angry gasp from leaving your throat, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.”

“No I want to hear what you’re implying just so you can hear how crazy the military is making you. I would never do that to you Choi Seunghyun and frankly it angers me that you would stoop that low just because you can’t get what you want.”

“It all adds up,” he said with conviction, “You keep missing my calls day and night, now you ‘can’t’ visit me this weekend…who is the bastard?”

“The only bastard in my life is you!” You yelled into the phone, “Forgive me for trying to make the most out your enlistment, I’m sorry I’m trying to keep myself sane by living a normal life! I can only tell my superior so many times that my boyfriend is going to call at this specific time so I can’t attend the company meeting! What more can I do for you Seunghyun-ya that I haven’t already done? Your time is almost up you’ll be home soon and things can go back to the way they were before.”

The tone of your argument changed suddenly it went from pure frustration to shivers-down-your-spine bad. You felt your chest tighten in the weirdest way, your gut telling you something wasn’t right with your previous declaration.

“I was going to tell you when you came this weekend but since you became unavailable I have no choice but to tell you over the phone…”

“Tell me what?” you snapped kind of unintentionally, “Don’t be cryptic Choi Seunghyun.”

“My commanding officers asked if I would stay on for another tour and I said that I would.”

You felt tears prick the corners of your eyes you had to steady the grip on your cell phone otherwise it was going to fall and crack on the ground.

“Why?” you asked trying to keep your voice even, “What about your company? Jiyong and Youngbae can’t run it forever! Why didn’t you speak with me about this first?”

“I’ve been trying but you haven’t picked up my last few phone calls (y/n)-ah, I have to go abroad in a few months I wanted to sort this all out with you this weekend.”

You let yourself cry you felt guilty, you were angry with him and with yourself. Of course you didn’t want him to go, you wanted your normal life back. You didn’t want to be alone in your big villa anymore. You were so hurt you had to sit down on the couch and catch your breath.

“A few months?” you managed to wheeze out, “What am I supposed to do Seunghyun? I won’t ever get to see you. You’ll be gone for another year!”

“I want you to come with me (y/n)-ah. I’m not going for combat they said you could come and you can live with me in one of the houses on the compound.”

He said it so matter-of-fact that you knew he hadn’t put much thought into how a decision this large was going to affect you and your life. You put a clammy hand to your forehead.

“How do you expect me to drop everything here and go with you?” you swiped at your tears viciously, “Blood, sweat, and tears went into everything I did with my agency to get where I am, and you just want me to drop it like it’s nothing? I have a life here, I can’t just pick up and leave.”

“So what then Jagi?” his anger diffused swiftly with your answer and instead turned into sadness, “What do you expect of me?”

“To live your life,” you said softly, “And I’ll live mine.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I—I think I might be,” you reached for you wine glass downing the red liquid quickly, “I won’t expect you to hold on to me when you’re on the other side of the world. I think this is what’s best for us at least for right now.”

You could hear him doing his best to keep himself together but his sniffle gave him away, “Is that really what you want jagiya?”

Fighting off your own sob you confirmed and before you could lose your resolve you hung up.

The year that passed was painful but bearable you did everything possible to ignore your heartbreak. You buried yourself in work, you moved out of your old apartment. With the promise Jiyong would take care of it for him.

You lived closer to your office so the commute was a decent ten minutes by foot of course when you weren’t stopping to get your morning coffee and bagel. With that added task it took twenty minutes. But still you couldn’t complain.

Work wasn’t particularly interesting that day, you had won the client over fairly early within the first few minutes of your meeting so there wasn’t much left to do but let your employees pitch their ideas. Shortly after that you decided everyone worked hard enough and let them go home early.

You headed out with your secretary; a round faced girl in her early twenties who was rather capable at doing her job and being a great friend at the same time. She had helped you out during the worst of your breakup. Apparently her boyfriend had decided to enlist right after college to get it out of the way.

After idle conversation you parted ways leaving you to walk the last block to your apartment alone.

You fiddled with your phone absentmindedly finding an article on some scandal involving two idols to which you rolled your eyes. Poor kids just wanted to live. You slid your phone into your pocket so you could dig your keys out of your bag.

It wasn’t until you reached the vicinity of your building that you saw a man in uniform sitting on your steps. You felt your stomach do a summersault, you swallowed your adrenaline rush and proceeded forward. It may have just been someone waiting for another tenant.

Or so you thought until you made eye contact.

Those eyes were too familiar to deny. You were speechless syllables came out but words wouldn’t form. A small part of you wished he would go away, but the rest of you was ready to embrace him again.

You gave him a nervous smile, “To what do I owe this honor private?”

He let out a chuckle, “Corporal actually.”

“Oh,” you said surprised, “Congratulations.”

“I heard you made Vice President congrats to you too.”

You rubbed your neck uncomfortably, “Thanks, um how did you know—?”

“Militant connections.”

You were slightly concerned for your surprise, “Are you joking?”

“Of course I am,” he gave you that handsome smile, “Jiyong told me.”

You nodded in relief, “That makes more sense.”

You’ve had worse encounters but this one was certainly making its way up the list of most awkward.

“Can we talk inside?”

You clucked your tongue, “Bold as ever Choi Seunghyun but I think I have some wine I can crack open.”

#choi seunghyun imagine #t.o.p scenario #t.o.p imagine #bigbang scenario #bigbang imagine #bigbangclappin #choi seunghyun scenario

[ricomatsu]

29週目、初の両親学級 (1/2) 29 weeks, attending parents class for first time (1/2)

2018年6月19日

29週目も終盤に差し掛かった。 今日は初めての両親学級だ。 あまり乗り気ではなかったドラちゃんにもせっかくの機会だからと説得、時間を調整してもらい午後6時から9時までの3時間両親学級に行った。

両親学級はオークランド内でもいろいろなところで開催されていて、無料のところや有料のところと選択できる。 但し早めに予約をしないと無料のところは予約で埋まってしまう事が多いようだ。

1回目の両親学級では様々な事を学んだ。

前半は、便利なアプリを教えてもらったり、健康的な妊娠生活を過ごすにはどうしたらいいか、妊娠に関する用語、出産の流れと持ち物に関する事。 そして産まれた子供が安全に眠れる環境づくりについて。

健康的な妊娠生活には1日40分程度の運動が推奨されているという事だ。 妊娠する前からつわりが落ち着く安定期に入るまでは自転車通勤をしていたが、それ以来運動らしい事をしていなかったので、何ができるか考えてみた。 マタニティーヨガもいいらしいが、時間的なものや場所などを考慮すると参加が難しかった。 あまりストイックにすると続かない事がわかっていたので、とりあえず電車やバス停を前で降りて、そこから家まで20分くらい歩く事にしてみた。 街のバス停から会社までは10分くらい歩くので往復を考えるとちょうどいい運動になるかなと思った。

また、妊娠中に食べて良いもの、悪いもののおさらいもあった。 生ものは禁止、大好きなお寿司や生野菜も控えたほうが良い、との事だったので、頑張って我慢。出産したらすぐにでも食べて良い、と言われ楽しみが増えた。

そして百日咳の予防接種も受けるように推奨された。 これに関しては先日受けているので、また受ける必要はない。 ありがたいことに妊婦は百日咳とインフルエンザ予防接種の費用は政府が負担してくれるから払う必要は無い。

妊娠に関する用語は慣れ親しみが無いものだったので勉強になった。 出産の流れに関しては、陣痛が始まってから出産までにかかる時間は人それぞれだという事、中には36時間くらいかけて産まれてくる子もいるという事でやや恐怖心が生まれる。 陣痛は子宮口が10㎝くらいになるまで開閉を繰り返しているそうで、出産が近づくにつれて10、3、1の法則があるという事だった。 これは10分のうちに3回陣痛が来て、ピークが1分と意味でこの時は痛みで話ができないくらいの状態。これが出産間近のサインという事だった。 陣痛の痛みはいろんな表現をされるが、全くの未知の世界で、やはりこれが一番恐怖心を植え付けてしまうのかなと思った。

出産に備えて、持ち物の準備をしなければならない事も学んだ。 荷物は全部で6種類。 1つ目は出産の為のカバン。これは出産時に必要な荷物の事を表す。 人それぞれだが痛みを逃す為に使うテニスやゴルフのボール、汗を拭くためのタオル、水筒やストロー等々。

2つ目は出産後のカバン。いわゆる入院バッグだ。 一般的に、病院で出産した場合、産後数時間でバースケアに移動となるようだ。そこで2-3日滞在するときに必要な着替えや洗面道具、産後パッドなどを表す。

3つ目は子供用のカバン。産まれた子供に着せる肌着やお包み、おむつなど。

4つ目は同伴者のカバン。立ち合い出産が一般的なニュージーランド。 長丁場となるであろう立ち合い出産に必要な荷物の事である。

5つ目は食料用カバン。出産は体力を使うものであるので、陣痛の合間に食べれるおにぎりやサンドイッチ、果物などを用意しておいたほうが良いと言われる。悪くならないようにクーラーボックスに入れておくと良いとアドバイスがあった。

6つ目、最後の荷物は、チャイルドシートである。 チャイルドシート無しでは病室から出してもらえない。 タクシー移動にしてもチャイルドシートは必須であることが念押しされた。

最後に安全な睡眠に関する事項について。 寝ている間に布団が被さって窒息死してしまう子供も多いそうだ。 10か月間常に不安を抱えながら一緒に成長してきて、やっとの思いで産まれてきたのにこちらの不注意で苦しい思いや死に至らせてしまうのは悔やんでも悔やみきれない。

安全な睡眠とはこういう事だった。 ＊ベビーシート、カプセルは移動のみに使用し、これをベッド代わりに使わない事。これは気道を塞いでしまう可能性があり、突然死の原因になる事もあるという。 ＊うつ伏せ寝も窒息の危険があり気を付ける事。平たく、仰向けに寝せるのがベストなのだとか。 ＊ベッドはベビーベッドやコットなどを使用し、親も同室または1m以内で寝る。親のいびきなどで子供が起きてしまう事もあるが、生きている事を確認できるので必ずしも欠点とは言えないとの事だった。 ＊寝具と寝間着について。木綿、羊毛素材のものがベストだが、フリースは不可との事だった。フリースは熱を籠らせてしまう為、発汗作用に影響するのだとか。 ＊掛け布団は大きすぎてはだめだそうだ。また、ベッドに寝かせる場合は上ではなく、下方に寝かせると良いという事だった。これは一般的に赤ちゃんは下方に移動するそうだが、下方に寝かせる事によりそれより下にさがる事もなく、掛け布団に顔が埋まってしまう危険性が少なくなるという事だった。窒息、という意味で枕も3歳くらいまでは使わないほうが良いという事だった。

この他にも、お包みで手足が動けないようなタイトな格好で寝させない、体温調節の為、寝ているときは手袋を付けない、というようなことも推奨された。

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

19 June 2018

The 29th week is pasting so quick. It’s nearly ending. Today, we will be attending the parental class for first time. My husband was indisposed to attending the parental class though as it’s a valuable opportunity, I persuade him for the attendance. He then shuffled around, we attended the 3 hours long parental class from 6pm to 9pm.

There are many parental classes in Auckland. The attendance fee is vary from free to top price, which you can choose whichever suits you best timing and budget. However, if you are intending to attend a free parental class, you will need to book early, otherwise you will be missed out as the class fills pretty quickly.

I have learnt so much stuffs at the first parental class.

The first half was, the educator showed us couple of convenient apps, gave us some tips to being healthier pregnancy, some technical terms related pregnancy, as well as the bags you will need to be prepared for the labour and it’s process. And, how to make safe sleeping environment.

To being healthier pregnancy, 40 minutes exercise per day is encouraged.

I used to commute by bicycle before pregnancy until around 12 weeks, though I stopped it and started commute by bus or train. I had no exercise since then, I started to think what I can do. I heard that maternity yoga is one of the best exercise, but it was hard for me to fit into my schedule, due to the time and area they offer. I knew that I will stop doing if I planed strict exercise, so I decided to get off a train station or couple of bus stops before the closest stops from my home, then walk about 20 minutes to home. It takes about 10 minutes between city bus stop and/or train station to the office, so if I consider it in the morning and the evening, it will make about 40 minutes target so I decided to do it from now on.

Other topics was what you can eat and can’t eat during pregnancy. I already knew this as my doctor gave me leaflet as well as my midwife mentioned but it’s always good to getting reminder. Raw foods are strictly prohibited. Means that I have to be patience that not eating my favourite sushi and salad. But I was getting really looking forward when the educator told me that you can eat as soon as you gave birth.

She also mentioned and encouraged to getting vaccination for whooping cough. I did it already so I don’t need to get it done again. It’s grateful that the New Zealand Government will pay the fee for the whooping cough and flu shots if you were pregnant. 

The technical term which is related for pregnancy - such as endorphin, mucus plug, tearing, contraction etc, were all unfamiliar to me, so it was helpful.

It made me bit nervous when I hear about the labour process. It’s not for everyone though in general, it takes approx. 36 hours between the beginning of contraction to giving birth. According to the educator, the mouth of the uterus is repeat opening and closing until it become about 10cm during the contraction. It has “10, 3, 1 rules”, once the delivery is just around the corner. This means, if 1 minutes long contraction comes 3 times in 10 minutes, this is the sign that the delivery is soon. What is the contraction? How it is like, and how painful or will it bearable? I heard lots of expressions like a watermelon comes out from your nose, pain is 100 times grater than period pain. This is very scared thing to hear,especially you have never experienced. I thought those things made us scary emotions.

I also learnt what I will need to prepared for the day. There are 6 items that I need to be getting ready for. First is a bag for labour. This bag contains items that you will need during the labour. It’s personal preference though, something like tennis or golf ball that will use to reduce pain, towel to use to wipe sweat, water bottle and straw etc.

2nd bag is to putting items for after the birth - for hospital stay. In general, once you did natural birth, you will be sent to the Birthcare soon after. People stay there approx. 2-3 nights, so you will need your changes, toiletries, maternity pads etc. 

3rd item is a bag for the baby, like undergarments, swaddling clothes and nappies.

4th item is a bag for accompanying person, such as husband, partner, parent, friend etc. It’s normal in New Zealand that husband/partner to attend the birth. It will be long process so the accompanying person’s bag is also essential item.

5th item is a bag for food. As it’s physically spent event, the food is also important that you can eat them between the contraction. Those items such as rice ball, sandwiches, fruits etc, and better to put them into chilly bin to keep the item fresh.

the last item is child seat. This is the important and essential item as you can’t be discharged from a hospital if you don’t have it. The educator reminded us that you will still be required to have the child seat, even though you are using a taxi.

The last topic was about safe sleeping. It’s very sad thing but young children lost their lives from suffocation by blanket. I started think about how it will like. Since I found pregnancy, I heard risk of miscarriage, and congenital abnormality, I always worried about those things. Every time I got ultrasound scanned to prove the fetus healthiness, alive made me very relieved. I still have some more weeks to go with same feelings, worries, and the labour means that the baby, myself and of course my husband, all of us are work together very hard. Then to finally meet with joy... I will ever be regret enough if suffocation happens to my child, just because of my fault which could be prevented. 

So, what “Safe sleep” is? * You should not use baby seat or capsule as sleeping bed. This could be caused block the airways, and result for sudden death. * Sleeping face-down is also risk for suffocation. It’s always best to put baby face-up. * Baby bed or baby cot should be used for sleeping. It’s always best to keep your baby within 1m even at night time. The baby might be waking up by parent’s snore though it helps that you can make sure that the baby is still alive. * For the bedding and nightwear. It should be made by cotton or wool. Fleece should not be used as bedding and nightwear for babies. Fleece is warm but it’s interfere with thermoregulation. * The size for the duvet should be used right size for baby. If it’s large, it risks for suffocation. Also, it’s better to place baby’s feet close to the edge. In general, babies are tend to going down ways. By means, if you place a baby’s head close to the bed top, the baby move down and the face will be covered by the duvet. Same risk, pillow should not be used for kids under 3 years old.

Other things I learnt were you should not use swaddling clothes tightly to prevent movement for the baby, and not using mittens while sleeping.

[bipolar-expressed-blog]

I’m Gonna Be a Mom???

The First Trimester- Panic Attacks: 

“I can’t believe I’M going to be a Mom”! No... Seriously...ME...a Mom”??

I truly didn’t feel like I had the skills necessary for raising a child successfully. Anyone can have a baby...but not everyone is meant to be a parent. So many doubts! But what real choice did I have, at this point? The warm, fuzzy thought of having a baby with the man I loved and was married to, enveloped me with love... But I was stuck on ALL the negatives of having children. I had been around infants before. I have much younger siblings and cared for them on many occasions; but they weren’t MINE!  I wasn’t responsible for their total well being. My confidence level in my successful parenting abilities was just nonexistent. My husband hadn’t had ANY experience with babies, and he was a lot like me...irresponsible, forgetful, messy, and disorganized: all the qualities you don’t want in a parent.

How will I ever make it through labor & delivery? I have zero tolerance for pain! I also have severe anxiety during painful situations. Um. Hello?!

How will my husband and I do the things we like/need to do; go out to eat, go to Walmart, do Karaoke once and awhile, etc. Isn’t lugging a baby around (and all her supplies) a tedious task (that I probably won’t want to do often)? I can barely get myself ready and remember my own essentials; how would I remember EVERYTHING needed for the baby?

What About Car seats? Which one should I buy? It needs to be light enough as to not be too heavy when baby is in it. I need to be able to work the harness on it, as well. Some of the release buttons are hard to release! My fingers are small...and apparently weak too! What about a stroller? Same things from the car seat apply to the stroller, except the ease of foldability being my number 1 request.

The Second Trimester: Preparation 

Watched tons of YouTube videos on newborn essentials, what to pack for the hospital, and anything relating to having a new baby. I literally became obsessed with product reviews and Mommy videos! Gathering all the information I could lessened my anxiety to some degree, anyway.

I went to stores like, Walmart, Target, and Babies R Us, to test out car seats and strollers. I hated almost ALL of them, immediately.. They were too heavy, bulky, and hard to buckle or fold down. My search went on for many months. I felt like I would never find anything suitable.

I finally decided on the Graco SnugRide 30 LX car seat, and the Graco car seat infant carrier (stroller frame). I’m happy with both decisions. Although, recently I've been having some trouble collapsing the stroller. All of a sudden, it needs to be shook vigorously while pushing the release valve...or it will get stuck open. The car seat is only 7 lbs, which is the lightest model available, and the car seat clicks into the stroller frame; but it's not a standalone stroller. I knew this wouldn’t grow with baby for too long, but simplicity was my goal.

I signed up for baby registries at Walmart & Amazon. We purchased whatever we didn’t receive at my baby shower. I was fully stocked on all the essentials: diapers, wipes, onesies, sleepers, baby gear, etc. This also helped to lessen some of my anxiety.

The Third Trimester:

Excitement, but still anxious.

Finally started to get excited about the idea of having a baby. I was still nervous as hell, but I was getting happier, as time went on. My Mom would show me cute baby things, and previously I had no emotion about it...but at this point, I would catch myself smiling and daydreaming about all the positive things a baby would bring.

Preparing for Labor before going to the hospital:

I watched a ton of YouTube videos on labor and delivery and epidural procedure. I asked my Dr. questions of what to expect, etc. I also started staying at my Mom’s house during the last few weeks before my due date in case I went into labor while my husband was at work.

Where is She??

Due date came and went, and no signs of labor present.

Preparing for Labor & Delivery at the Hospital:

Scheduled Induction at 41 Weeks:

Sun Night. 5/7/17:

The first 24 hours consisted of getting settled and receiving cervidil - something to get my cervix ready for delivery; and also began the titration process with Pitocin to bring on contractions; slowly but progressively. I had my Mom stay with me Sun night, so my husband could go to work on Monday, assuming I wouldn’t go into full labor yet.

Mon, 5/8/17 during the day:

Mild labor had started, but I told my husband to stay at work until things got more intense. I wanted him around for the hard stuff, not the stuff I could handle with just my Mom. Thankfully, his bosses are amazing and they sent him home around 1 pm (hour commute). When he first got there, things were still pretty boring. He had his work laptop so I told him to catch up on some work until I needed him.

Monday night:

I’m not exactly sure of the time, but ALL OF A SUDDEN, things went from completely bearable to moderately intense! I found myself no longer being able to talk through the pain. I was grabbing the side rails and getting super quiet during each contraction. I knew this wasn’t the worst of it, but things were definitely progressing. At that point, I asked for pain meds. (Sorry, no natural births here)! They gave me Stadol, which for a very brief period of time, took the edge off and made me feel pretty good. Well, that didn’t last long at all! Within an hour, I was asking for more pain meds or the epidural if possible.

Side note: 

By this point, I could no longer stay quiet during the contractions; I was making those God-awful demonic contraction sounds; the same weird sounds I had heard on the YouTube videos of women in  labor. When I was watching them, I kept saying to myself, “wow I’m not going to make those sounds. I’d be too embarrassed.” LOL! Well, I literally had NO control over the sound coming out of my mouth. I wasn’t full on screaming yet, but I now understood why and how all those women were making such strange noises. Embarrassment is NOT a factor when you are in so much pain! And...strangely enough, the sounds (and moving in different positions) help to work through the pain, a little.

They said it was too early for the epidural, but offered me a morphine shot. I gladly accepted. Unfortunately, it didn’t do anything at all. The pain was getting even more intense. I went through another hour or two of labor feeling the intense pain, and then it was FINALLY time for the epidural.

The Epidural:

I was so scared to even get the epidural. I knew I wanted it to get rid of the pain, but I had heard so many horror stories about them. (It hurt more than the contractions; you can be paralyzed, etc). I also heard, that depending on your hospital, they usually make your coaches leave the room while the procedure is being done. This gave me so much anxiety! But….the guy who came in was so nice and very informative. He allowed both my coaches to stay in the room, which eased my anxiety so much! He told me step-by-step what he was doing which also put me at ease. When he gave me the lidocaine shot, he said, “OK, this might hurt a little”! I didn’t feel a thing! Or if I did, it was very minor. Then came time to put the catheter in, and again I felt nothing. I was literally having a panic attack for nothing. The whole thing was a breeze! Once the epidural kicked in, my contractions felt 100% better! I thought I was out of the woods as far as pain goes. Not so much…

Pushing...it was brutal!

It started out fairly calm with the nurses asking me to do a few “practice pushes”. They told me how to inhale, then hold my breath, bring my knees to my chest….and PUSH! Well, I didn’t quite know what they meant by push. TMI, but they kept telling me to push like I was taking a “crap” lol sorry. I was horrible at pushing. I couldn’t keep my breath in long enough, and I couldn’t push hard enough. Fast forward 3 hours (and multiple positions) later, and I was still “trying” to push; but nothing was happening. Well, something would happen...they would cheer me on..I would lose my breath, feel the pain, and stop pushing, and the baby would go back inside. The epidural didn’t help with the pain of pushing, at all! I felt like my insides were being torn open. Well, they kind of were. I wasn’t expecting the “pushing” to hurt as much as it did, with an epidural. The nurses kept telling me to push through the pain, and my coaches kept telling me to breath. Neither of those suggestions were helping. I think I snapped at my husband and said, “I am breathing you idiot”...or something like that.

Finally, the doctor came in and said 3 ½ hrs of pushing was enough, and we were either going to use a vacuum to help me push her out, or I’d need a c-section. I was like, wait a minute, I didn’t just go through that many hours of labor and pushing, for me to end up with a c-section!! So when he attached the vacuum to my daughter’s head, I knew I had to give it all I had. And so I pushed with everything I had….once, twice, and half of another push, and she was finally out!!!  

Harmony May Ross was born on May 9, 2017 at 5:19 am, weighing 6 lbs, 10 ½ ozs, 20” long. I never felt so relieved in my life!

No, I don’t want to hold her yet!!!!

The doctor and nurses kept trying to put the baby on my chest, but apparently my maternal instincts had not kicked in yet. I couldn’t even think of the baby while the Doctor was still stitching up my lady parts. I had so much anxiety, I was severely shaking. I just wanted him to be done with me before I attempted to hold my daughter for the first time. I felt like I might drop her due to how anxious I was feeling. My husband got to see and admire her, and for that I was proud. So did my Mom. But as horrible as it may sound, I just couldn’t bring myself to hold her until I was done being poked and proded.  

Holding Harmony May for the First Time:

I can’t say it was like the movies, where I fell in love immediately. I mean, she was my baby, and a very cute baby...I had just delivered her, but I just didn’t have the “OMG I love you so much and you are my whole world” thing...at least not right away. Of course I loved her on some level, but it just wasn’t as magical as they make it seem in the movies. I didn’t cry or get emotional. To be honest, I was just so relieved that she finally came out of me.

As time went on though, my bond with Harmony grew stronger. Day by day, diaper by diaper, and bottle by bottle, we developed a stronger bond. But it took me some time...and that made me feel a little guilty. Because why wasn’t I having this bond with her right away? What was wrong with me? I’ve finally come to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes it doesn’t happen right away. And for me, the trauma of the birth itself caused me to shut down emotionally. But as time went on, our bond grew, as it continues to grow daily. So, if you have or had trouble bonding with your baby during labor and delivery, you are not alone.

So that’s my story….

From complete denial about being pregnant; overly anxious moments of finding out I was ACTUALLY pregnant…. to the real labor and delivery...to now... she’s 7 months old and I can’t imagine life without her. The funny thing is for so long I couldn’t imagine being a Mom; now I can’t imagine not being one. I have so much to learn and I’m still scared as hell...but now I take time to enjoy all the precious moments, developmental milestones, and I take lots of pictures! I’m writing this story now (7 months later), but I feel like it was yesterday.

#baby #pregnancy #labor #delivery #anxiety #guilt #bonding #epidural #panic #mom #parenting #first time mom

[honeybeelily]

When it rains it pours.....(Pt 2)

So we up and move from Missouri to Florida. 16 hours away and 21 away from home in Wisconsin.  Husband has no job and can barely start job hunting before we can leave but we are still optimistic.  We end up getting temporary housing at the property I’ll work at but we still have to house hunt.  Still not that bad even though nothing went even slightly according to plan from the moment we started packing to the night before I start the new job.

Work in and of its self has been......traumatic.  These students are the biggest fucking children I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of having to deal with.  (We had the cops in the office a few days ago over two roommates getting into a verbal altercation).  I’m being constantly told I’m an idiot by these tenants and they hope I get fired for basically doing my job. (Awesome right?)

But the staff is great so its bearable but then one of the long term staff puts in there two week notice and they are already gone.  Oh, and corporate is sending our most experience leasing agents to other properties who are struggling to try and help for the next month so we are already short staff.Oh, corporate is also forcing new changes on us last minute WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH THE PROPERTY OFFICE.......WTF?!?!?! (Lets not even talk about the electric overages spreadsheet that had me in tears. Quite literally tears because it wouldnt fucking work.)

And surprise! my boss might not take his promotion because they want to under pay him and the whole point of me moving here was for his job. 

But I’m still trying to stay positive because it is beautiful down here and I’m enjoying the area. My husband keeps house hunting even though I don’t want to look until he has a job.  It’s been almost a month and not even a “Thank you for applying but we have filled the position”.  So he starts pushing we need to look at houses.  I told him no again and again because if we find something I fall in love with and then we loose it......well it won’t be pretty.

So we start looking and we find the perfect location a few minutes down the road.  Bigger than what we wanted but It’s got everything we need right? Now he’s fucking hesitating because I said we should consider a roommate to make it more affordable in the short term.

Well he finally fucking agrees today after I called yesterday and got the remaining questions answered and have gone back and forth.  Guess the fuck what? It’s off the fucking market. 

I know it’s not his fault and I can’t (and shouldn’t) get angry with him.  But I am so fucking angry right that I’m crying.  I told him if I fell in love with a house and lost it I would go off the deep end and it is his fault we didn’t apply on Monday like I wanted to. I don’t want a long commute to work and this place allowed us to not get another car and add another payment onto a struggling budget. 

We seriously cannot live off of my paycheck after July and he fucking looses the one thing that could have help prevented it.  His fucking response?

“Oh Well.”

*starts throwing shit* Nothing about this experience so far hasn’t been stressful.  I just want something to go right. I don’t want to be this stressed anymore but it only gets worse when your husband gives you the “oh well” attitude.  Like dude, I am doing my best to not kill a tenant every day and to keep us afloat because you last minute dropped outta school (well, more like hid the decision from me for months! and then cant figure out why I might be a fucking lot angry and frustrated with him. but I’m just supposed to accept it and move on? No. I am gonna be a fucking bitch about it because after all this shit I just don’t care.)

I really wish I could have that attitude though because this constant state of disappointment is really wearing me down.  

#personal #rant #I'm sorry #I just really needed to vent #and when you have no irl friends nearby #it makes it really difficult #Mom has been unavailable too #busy with her new boyfriend #i think anyway #she hasn't returned my last few calls #I know shes alive only because of my brother #*crawls into ball and cries*