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#hearing that these women literally feel pressured to give up their ORGANS for these men
hestiasroom · 6 months
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India: 80% Organ Donors Women; 80% Organ Recipients Men | Vantage with Palki Sharma
Transcript:
Now let's talk about something that's seldom discussed: organ donation in India. One person is added to the organ donation waitlist every 10 minutes - one person every 10 minutes. It tells you how grave the situation is.
Turns out it also has a gender problem and this is according to the latest data that has come out. Four out of five organ donors in India are women. What about those who receive organs? Four out of five recipients in India are men; in other words 80% of the donors are women but 80% of the recipients are men. So why are these numbers so skewed? Our next report tells you.
Last December Indian politician Lalu Prasad Yadav underwent a kidney transplant. Sounds like a normal procedure a simple transplant surgery but it made headlines everywhere. Why? Because the donor was his daughter Rohini Achara. It was shown as a story of sacrifice; a daughter doing what she could to save her father.
The optics were great but data suggests this is the reality of India's organ donation. It's all about sacrifice and usually it's about sacrifice by women. A recent study analyzed organ donations from 1995 to 2021. 36,640 transplantations were carried out in India; 29,000 of them were for men only. 6,945 were for women. If you put those numbers into perspective basically men were 80% of the total recipients for organ donations but when it comes to donations it's a completely opposite scenario.
Women make up for 80% of the organ donors and who are these women? They are usually wives or mothers when their son or husband needs an organ they are the first to volunteer which makes them living organ donors. You see, organ donation is easier between family members this means they are genetically easier this lessens the risks of rejections but what explains this disparity?
Well the answer is socioeconomic pressure in our society. Men are seen as Breadwinners; women on the other hand are seen as caregivers. More often than not they feel pressurized to donate their organs. On the other hand men think twice in a situation like this; they hesitate to go into surgery which means most men donors in India are cadaver donors. That means they donate their organs only when they're dead.
These are stories that make for great headlines: a mother giving a kidney to her son, a wife giving her liver to her husband. They are shown as the Messiah of sacrifice and it's society that is to blame for this. Organ donation shouldn't happen under any sort of pressure it should be a choice that one should take freely.
That said the whole picture isn't too great also India's organ donation rate is quite bleak. It stands at 0.52 per million people. Every 10 minutes one person is added to the waitlist. In 2022 over 2 lakh patients needed a kidney transplant. Guess how many got it? It was only 7,500 people. That's just 3.4% so you get the gist the numbers are bad which is why more people need to step up not just women but more people should be open to donating organs. It's an act that saves lives.
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twinklelilstarkey · 3 years
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if you could write more about dad!rafe that would be amazing!!
Loving - Dad!Rafe Cameron
Words: 1.7k+
Type: Fluff
Summary: Rafe, Y/N and their daughter go to Midsummers, where a family reunion awaits them.
Warnings: Dad!Rafe and Dad!Topper. All the characters are slightly older in this imagine. Mentions of symptoms of anxiety. 
DO NOT REPOST, REWRITE OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORK!
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Credits for the beautiful gif @drewsephstarke (if u want me to not repost it, let me know, i’ll delete it. I just couldn’t find any others on the normal tumblr gifs)
Y/D/N - Your daughter’s name
"Do you have everything?” You ask Rafe, again, making him sigh.
“Yes, for the millionth time. Yes” He chuckles, “Breathe, baby. Jesus.”
You’ve been stressing for the past week. It’s been 2 years since you’ve last been in a Cameron’s event as important as the Midsummers and all you can feel is the pressure and stress running in your veins.
Not only will you re-seeing all your high school ‘friends’, but also Rafe’s side of the family. And no, you’re not talking about Sarah and Wheezie. You’re talking about Ward and Rose, who haven’t seen their granddaughter since the week she was born.
It was Rafe’s decision to make them not as inclusive as your side of the family, and you didn’t judge him for it. It was his choice to make.
But still, the idea of seeing them again after so long is stressful enough to make you seem paranoid with every small thing.
You reopen your small purse to check if you have everything that you need for the night and you sigh as you see, literally, everything.
“We need to go now.” Rafe says from beside you.
“Okay, let’s go.”
As you walk down the front yard of your parents’ house, you grab your car keys as Rafe calls out for Y/D/N, who is still inside the house.
The small girl walks out of the living room once hearing her dad’s voice and once her big eyes land on him, she extends her arms his way, grabby hands into the air.
Rafe walks towards her and picks her up, adjusting her dress slightly since she has been sitting on the ground this whole time, and looks up to check on you.
You had already walked out of the house and to the car, which didn’t surprise him. So Rafe walks with Y/D/N on his hip and closes the front door after him. H
e puts his baby girl down on her seat in the back and you pass him the keys before taking your seat on the passenger side, letting he go around to sit and start the car.
(...)
"Oh my god! I’ve missed you so much!” Sarah screams in the lobby of the building, catching everyone’s attention, as she runs towards you.
She wraps her arms around you as soon as she’s close enough and starts swaying you from side to side in her tight hold. 
Rafe walks in the building, Y/D/N on his hip, letting her rest her head on his shoulder as he fluffs out her dress and walks over to you.
“Oh, she’s here too” Sarah gasps when pulling away from you, eyes wide when staring at your daughter in Rafe’s arms. “Oh, well hello you cute little bug” she says with her baby voice.
Rafe laughs down at his sister, finding her baby voice ridiculous, and you look around a little, noticing how many people are as late as you. 
Thank god you’re not the last ones to get here.
“Can I hold her?” Sarah asks her brother.
Rafe doesn’t answer, he just leans a bit down and passes the small girl to her aunt. Y/D/N looks at her dad, confused look as she’s passed to Sarah.
“Where’s dad?” He asks Sarah.
Sarah walks over to you and Rafe follows her, resting his hand on your lower back once he stands right beside you.
“He’s...” She starts, looking around in the main room, “Probably...” She walks a bit to get a better view, and then turns to the two of you, “Outside”
You smile a bit at her words and you all start walking out of the lobby to try and find the man that organized this whole night. You walk beside Rafe, trying to swallow your nerves away, while looking around.
Rafe laughs a bit next to you and you look up at him to find him staring at Y/D/N. You follow his gaze and your eyes lay a wide eyed toddler staring intensely at her aunt, almost as if in shock.
You chuckle and that seems to catch the attention of the small girl, who looks at the two of you. Your and Rafe’s smile influence her into smiling as well and even to let a little giggle.
“Dad!” Sarah says excitingly as you three walk out to the porch, “Look who’s here”
Ward Cameron, himself, stands not too far from you, talking to maybe some business partners or just some acquaintances from the island’s Figure Eight. He looks over his shoulder to find his daughter holding a baby.
“Look Y/D/N, it’s grandpa.” Sarah says excitingly while making the girl jump on her hip, making it seem like she is actually excited to see him.
And that’s when Ward understood who the girl is, his granddaughter.
He looks up to find both you and Rafe standing behind Sarah and a smile is plastered on his face. Some might say it’s rather fake, but who are you to comment on that?
The men that were standing beside him drift their eyes to look at you all and they can’t help but feel shocked when they see the oldest son of Ward in front of them. 
It’s been years since he had last been to events like these.
“My son, it’s great to see you again.” Ward says, after giving the small girl a smile.
The Cameron men give each other a quite awkward hug and Ward turns to you.
“It’s great to see you too, Y/N. You haven’t changed at all since I last saw you.”
Oh, yes. The day after his granddaughter was born. The last time you all were together in one room. 
The last time he had tried to have an argument with Rafe and Rafe had finally enough of him.
Something that it’s surely still too fresh on Rafe’s mind still. As well as Ward’s.
Ward turns to Sarah once more and extends his hands as a way to motion wanting to hold the baby. 
Sarah passes him Y/D/N, who doesn’t look all that pleased with all the unknown people holding and staring at her.
“Aren’t you adorable?” Rose asks from behind you.
You turn to stare at her and she’s glancing adoringly at your daughter.
The older couple give all their attention to the small ‘chubby-cheeked’ girl and you walk over to Rafe, leaning your side against his, making him wrap his arm over your shoulders. 
As he plants a kiss over your hair, you turn to Sarah and start a conversation.
While you talk your worries away with Sarah, now feeling more relaxed, Rafe can’t take his eyes off his dad, who seems, to him, to be moving further and further way with his baby. 
In reality, he knows that Ward is not that far, but he sure is far enough to make anxiety bubble up in Rafe’s chest.
Y/D/N looks away from Ward and looks over at her dad, her usual pout after much forced socialization forming on her lips. 
She extends her small arms to her dad and Rose looks over at Rafe.
“Looks like she wants to go back to dad.” She says with a sweet smile, not something anyone is used to seeing.
Ward passes the child over to Rafe’s arms and he’s quick to hold her close to him. 
The baby snuggles into his neck and coos a little as she does it, melting into her dad’s warmth and familiar hold.
The people around them steal some glances and awe at the sight of the small baby clinging to the scowling Rafe Cameron that everyone seems to recognize.
You laugh beside him at Sarah’s words and Rose and Ward are quick to join the conversation. Rose’s smile very prominent on her face, making you ease up next to her. While, Ward, on the other, stole glares at his son, same exact scowl on his face.
You hold Rafe’s vacant hand, giving it a small squeeze, and he looks down at you, coming back to reality.
“You okay?” You ask him in a whisper and he just nods.
The small girl on his chest moves a bit and peeks with her big eyes, over her dad’s shoulder, at the people behind the porch. 
Some of them dancing and some just talking with a drink on their hand.
“Top” She gasps and Rafe looks down at her.
The small girl slaps his chest lightly to try and grab her dad’s attention and he looks over his shoulder to see Topper with a drink on his hand and a kid resting over his hip.
Rafe brings his fingers over to his lips, letting go of your hand, and whistles at his best friend, grabbing his attention and some other people’s in front and beside him as well. 
The girl giggles at her dad and brings her small hands to her mouth, trying to imitate her dad, gaining a smile from you and a laugh from Sarah.
Topper smiles up at Rafe and starts making his way towards the porch. And as he stands beside Rafe, he changes Y/D/N to his other arm, all to greet his best friend with the right hand.
Rafe’s scowl lifts off his features as Topper starts making conversation and Ward looks away from the two young fathers, listening to what his daughter and wife are talking about.
As Topper looks over at you and starts a small conversation just to greet you, Y/D/N lays her small palm on Rafe’s cheek, getting his attention again. She smiles widely and acts all shy as his eyes land on her.
“Why are you all shy, now?” He asks the small girl playfully, “Uh?”
He pokes her side to make her erupt into her usual fit of giggles, trying to stop his hand with hers.
Rose and Ward look up at the sound of the adorable giggles and they eye Rafe Cameron smile sweetly at the small girl, threatening to start tickling her again.
The small girl shakes her head again violently at her dad’s other question and leans in, planting a small faint kiss over his cheek. He gasps dramatically and does the same to her cheek, making the girl start laughing again.
You look up at them and smile at how adorable they are.
Rafe peppers his daughter’s face with kisses and she laughs loudly, grabbing her dad’s face with her small hands to make him stop.
“Lowe you” She says as he leans his head away and he smiles at her, gaining a awe from all the women in front of him.
“I love you too” He answers, making the baby satisfied with his words and lean in close to his chest once more.
Ward stares at his son in slight shock, he did not expect Rafe to ever be as loving as this. 
He expected him to be like... him. His dad. 
And he’s more than wrong.
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God, I missed writing for Dad!Rafe. We don’t deserve him, too cute for our own good.
            *HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY*
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The infamously corny Star Trek TOS episode The Omega Glory was on TV last night and I watched it. My ideas for how I’d rewrite it to make it less silly:
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The Yang ancestral culture wasn’t literally the USA, it was just a society that looked kind-of sort-of like the USA in the same way some pre-Columbian American and ancient Indian societies may have looked kind-of sort-of like ancient Athens. That by itself would make the episode much less stupid, and you could keep most of the same basic ideas.
Since we’re not bound to absurd levels of parallelism anymore, I’d personally be inclined to make the Kohms light-skinned blue-eyed blond(e)s and make the Yangs darker-skinned with darker hair and eyes, and imply that the Kohm ancestral society was fascist instead of communist. Maybe sprinkle some symbols distantly reminiscent of Nazi iconography around the Kohm village. It’s not like there was any meaningful connection between the Kohms and communism anyway, and I feel this resonates better with a lot of the ideas the episode was going for. Admittedly, this is probably influenced by my own biases.
---
Basically swap the roles of Cloud Williams and his mostly silent female companion who doesn’t really do much.
Why? Let’s think about how Yang society might work for a moment. I’m going to say they’re horse-riding big game hunters, like the nineteenth century Great Plains native American cultures on Earth, because 1) that fits with the idea that they’ve been driven into marginal lands and had to become nomads, 2) if you want nomads capable of assembling armies of thousands of people it’s either that or Eurasian-style herders, 3) it fits with the “they’ve become like native Americans” idea. They’re very slow-aging, theoretically capable of living over a thousand years ... but if they’re like their precedent cultures on Earth they probably live fairly rough and dangerous lives and I think would probably tend to live only a few decades or centuries before dying in a hunting accident or battle or something like that. But... going by Earth precedent, it would probably be mostly the men who do the most high-risk activities of hunting and war, which might result in very gender-asymmetrical life expectancy patterns, where men tend to only live a few decades or centuries while women stay relatively safe and have a decent chance of living to be thousand year old ancients. This would be compounded by 1) a lower death rate would mean a lower birth rate for replacement rate reproduction, 2) they’re almost immune to infectious diseases, which would make childbirth in primitive conditions much safer, so that would greatly reduce the probable primary cause of death for women in such a society (childbirth complications). So I think it’s pretty plausible that they’d have a more-or-less matriarchal society where women have a lot of power because they live a lot longer and hence have a lot more time to accumulate experience and become repositories of culture (important for a low-tech nomadic society that will have a mostly oral culture!).
So, I’d gender-swap Cloud Williams; my version of her would a matriarch with a leadership position in her tribe because she’s one of its oldest able-bodied members, she’s got a thousand years of experience and she’s had time to memorize a lot of the oral histories of her tribe and become basically a living library. Why would such a person be anywhere near a battlefield? Well, “the oral histories of her tribe” would include a lot of war stories, with detailed and often basically accurate descriptions of tactics and strategy because that’s how knowledge of how to win wars against Kohms and rival Yang tribes is transmitted in her society. She’s a living tactical manual, so of course she leads her tribe’s warriors in battle.
She could have a companion who’s a big guy who doesn’t talk much and does the brute strength side of what in the episode is Cloud Williams’s role (fighting Kirk in the cell, ripping out the bars). Maybe he’s her grandson, and was captured with her because one of his roles in the tribe is to be her bodyguard in battle.
----
Related to what I just said, have a bit where Captain Tracey says that he expected the primitive and superstitious Yangs to be overawed by phasers, but instead it was almost like they have a recent cultural memory of war with modern weapons and war against technologically superior opponents and they quickly started using effective counter tactics. Given the explanation in the episode for the long lifespans of people on Omega IV (very strong selection pressure for disease resistance), none of the Yangs would actually remember the ancient high-tech Yang civilization and original war against the Kohms, but the generational transmission chains from a lot of presently living Yang matriarchs to that time might be relatively short. For a lot of the presently living Yang matriarchs shooting down Kohm helicopters with surface-to-air missiles and ambushing Kohm armored columns in mountain passes might be something like “my grandma’s time.”
----
The reason the “Eee Plab Neesta” sounds like gibberish is that Cloud Williams is reciting it in its archaic original language, which the living Yang language has evolved into mutual incomprehensibility with. The Yangs might have one lovingly preserved paper copy of their equivalent of the Declaration of Independence, but their culture is mostly oral, and they mostly preserve the “holy words” in the heads of the matriarchs, who memorize it and transmit it from mother to daughter exactly (“by heart”), being careful to get every syllable right so it does not become distorted. The oldest matriarchs can still speak the ancient language, but for most of the Yangs, especially the relatively short-lived men, it’s like me listening to somebody recite Beowulf in its original language.
This is more-or-less my headcanon for what’s going in the actual episode too: the “Eee Plab Neesta” is just the text in its original now archaic form of the Yang language, which the universal translator can’t translate because it doesn’t have a big enough sample to work on. I’d make that much more explicit though.
The way I’d handle the scene is to have Cloud Williams start to recite the Eee Plan Neesta, and then have Kirk ask her what it means and suggest that she try to translate it into the everyday language of the Yangs so all her people could hear it with understanding, and of course it wouldn’t be the actual Declaration of Independence but something different but with a similar spirit, something like this:
“We the people of these five colonies of the nation across the sea and seven nations of the original inhabitants of this land, establish a Union, which we found in and organize according to the following principles: that all people are equally precious, that laws exist by the consent of the people and to serve the people, that leaders serve the people and hold their offices by the consent of the people...”
Then have Kirk give his speech about how these words are meant for everyone and not just for chiefs and should be something shared among all the people and lived by and not something gatekept behind archaic language most people can’t understand. Have him reference the USA founding documents by saying that his world has something very similar and he knows from the history of his own world how world-changing these ideas can be and how precious they are.
----
Obviously you can’t do that “the Yangs try to find out if Kirk recognizes the holy words, and Kirk almost recognizes them but not quite” thing with this version, so the equivalent I propose is:
Kirk recognizes the original functions of Yang “holy relics,” i.e. relics from the ancient Yang civilization: one is part of a machine that once carried people through the air (it’s a snapped-off piece of a helicopter blade), one was a device for seeing far away things as if they’re near (it’s a broken pair of binoculars), one was a machine which people could use to talk to people who were beyond the horizon (it’s a broken-down cell phone), etc.. OK, the last thing is anachronistic for TOS, but if I were writing this as a fanfic it’s what I’d do.
Cloud Williams starts to recite a long epic poem the Yangs have that tells their entire history, to see if Kirk will recognize it. Of course Kirk doesn’t, but while the Yangs don’t have history books they do use visual textile art as an aid to memory and they’ve set up a big story cloth that depicts the narrative in the room and Kirk goes over to it and starts pointing to pictures on it and correctly interpreting them:
“Here, the Yangs were oppressed by kings. The Yangs rebelled and overthrew their kings and made a new nation that had no kings. After this the Yangs became very rich and very powerful, they built great cities. The lords of the Kohms were threatened by this and they used terrible weapons on the Yangs and invaded the Yang land with great armies. Here’s a Yang city being destroyed in an instant by a Kohm weapon. The Kohm lords were so threatened that they tried to destroy the Yangs’ whole way of life. The Yangs retreated to the bad lands and kept fighting. Here are Kohm flying machines attacking a Yang village, and a Yang warrior hiding behind a rock destroying one of those flying machines with a lance of fire. The Kohm lords couldn’t overcome the Yangs until they brought the Death Thirst to the Yang lands in a box and let it out. But that weapon had a life of its own, and turned against the Kohms, and almost destroyed them too. Only a few Yangs survived in the bad lands, and the Kohms claimed the good Yang lands and settled them. But the Yangs survived, they learned the bow and the lance, and eventually their numbers started to increase. The survivors lived longer than people had before; you interpreted this as a gift for the Yangs and curse on the Kohms by the Great Spirit, so that both might live to see you retake what was once yours. And little by little, you did retake what was once yours...”
----
One way to suggest the Enterprise crew making a positive difference on Omega IV at the end of the episode: have Kirk convince the Yangs to spare the Kohm civilians in that village.
The victorious Yangs are all set to give the last Kohms the Numbers 31 treatment, which is what they usually do when they overrun a Kohm community. Of course, Kirk is horrified by this, and he manages to use arguments involving the Yang “holy words” to convince the Yangs to be merciful instead. “Your own holy words say that every person is equally precious! Every person! That includes the Kohms too! If you really mean it, it includes the Kohms too! They’re no threat to you anymore! Did you fight for so long just for a chance to do to them what they tried to do to you? If so, how are you any better than them? Your own holy words claim to be for all people! Your own holy words say that all people are more alike than they are different, and all people are capable of appreciating the gift of freedom! If that’s true, then your holy words are for the Kohms too! That’s why the Kohm lords were so threatened by you, because they were afraid of what would happen if the Kohm people heard those powerful, good words! Tell the Kohms about your holy words!”
So Cloud Williams agrees to make a merciful and peaceful settlement with the “last of the Kohm places,” let it integrate peacefully into Yang society with no further bloodshed and no abuse inflicted or spoils taken. And then Kirk says “If you mean your words of freedom, your work didn’t end today, it’s just starting. Build good seaworthy boats that can cross the ocean, and send people to the Kohms across the sea, so they can hear your words of freedom too! The words of your ancestors are for them too! You’d never be able to conquer them, but they can hear your words!”
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m-c-coy · 4 years
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Sero X Kaminari ghost au
Here's a fanfic idea I won't do anything with but I hope you enjoy!
Sero lives an average life. Average job, average looks, average apartment, etc. But he likes it like that.
The only really exciting thing in his life is his friends: Mina, Kirishima, and Bakugou.
They go out every Saturday night. Tonight being Mina's turn to choose what they do.
They go bar hopping for a bit until they get lost along the way and end up in front of a fortune tellers shop.
It being Mina's night to choose what they do demands that they get their futures read.
So they go in and do exactly that. Kirishima and Bakugo get told something about love making them blind, Mina gets told that she will excel at her new job (and upon request will be successful in love as well).
Oddly enough they all also get told that they will grieve the lost of someone they all hold dear soon.
Then Sero goes expecting the same but the old lady that has been telling their fortunes almost freezes the moment he sits down
"You will have a boring life full of disappotment and loneliness."
"That's nice"
The old lady quickly grabs what looks like a necklace that has a small obsidion rock with golden lines running through it like lighting.
She buts the necklace in Sero's hand and says he must keep it on him at all times if he wants a chance of having an exciting and fulfilling life.
He tries to leave without it but she says thats its free and he needs to take it. So he does.
Over the next week of wearing the necklace he notices some werid things happening.
And by werid I mean that he is now being haunted by what looks like a blond ghost his age in clothes from hundreds of years ago.
Sero tries to ignore it to see if it will go away but he won't stop talking.
"Hi! My names Kaminari Denki and I need you to help me cross over to the after life!"
"No thanks dude, I think I'm good."
But Kaminari won't leave him alone and keeps messing with his lights, throwing things off his shelf, messing with his TV, etc.
Its driving him crazy! Denki even follows him to his job! He can't take it any more. He wants him to leave him alone!
Sero's friends start to notice his werid behavior as well and don't hesitate to let him leave their next saturday outing early for "personal" reasons.
"Why do you keep following me, huh!? Why can't you see that I don't want to help you and instead bother someone else with your problems?"
"My soul is trapped in the necklace you're wearing...I have to go where ever it goes."
Denki continues to try and apologize for the trouble he has caused. He says that he was only trying to help him but Sero doesn't want to hear it anymore. He takes off the necklace and chucks it into the tree line.
And with that. Sero walks off and is free from the annoying little ghost. His apartment is quiet, all of his stuff is organized, and he actually has a productive day at work!
But its almost to quite now. His apartment dosen't feel as lived in and he has nothing to distract him when his work gets slow.
He soon realizes that he was a little harsh on the ghost that just asked for his help. So he goes back for him.
He goes back to where he thinks he tossed the necklace and begins to search but he can't find the necklace anywhere. He's panicking now becuase he thinks he just lost Kaminari for forever.
"Did you drop something young man?"
Its the old lady from the fortune telling. She has the necklace in her hand and scolds Sero for not taking better care of his things.
Once Sero gets back home he puts the necklace back on and can immediately see Denki again. He apologizes for what he did and asks if he would still like his help in finishing his unresolved buisness.
Kamianri of course agrees with his 100 watt smile and Sero can't help but bask in the light.
The mood is almost immediately ruined though when kamianri admits that he dosen't know what his unfinished buisness is.
Time to call in the moral support!
Sero calls over Mina, Kirishima, and Bakugo to explain why his been acting weird and for their help in freeing Denkis soul.
"So remeber that necklace that ildy lady gave me, yeah it kinda huanted and the ghost needs our help."
"Bullshit!"
After Denki reveals himself and their shock wears off, they get down to buisness.
They ask Denki about his life and how he died to see if that could be any clue to why he hasn't moved on yet.
"Well I died from being struck by lighting..."
"Thats kinda manly..."
Denki tells them that he was tied to a metal poll during a thunder storm and left to die becuase the people of his town thought he was a demon in disgues.
They basically find out that he didn't have a life full of friends or fun and died to young to truly experience anything so they decide to go on adventures so that Denki could actually "live" a little.
They take him to the mall, site seeing, carnival, museums, game nights (Denki figures out that he can possess a controller and actually play with them) and even to the bars
All of them get closer to him and he feels like the finale piece of the puzzle making their little group whole.
Once Denki learns that it is socially acceptable to date the same sex, he becomes Minas wingman at the bar. Literally ghost pushing girls into her arms or stealing their items for Mina to "find" and give back
Kaminari is determined to make Kirishima and Bakugo confess their obvious feels for eachother. He give Kirishima peptalks about how they have the actual ability to be together and gives him old English poems to recite to Bakugo. Denki gives Bakugo plenty of time to confess his feeling by some how always getting the two of them alone. Whether that's sticking them in an broken elevator or locking them in rooms.
But now that the gang can see Kaminari, they can easily tell that Sero is his favorite person to help. He follows him at work making sure that his coffe cup is always in reach, holding elevator doors open so he dosen't have to take the stairs, catching stakes of papers before they can fall off his desk, etc. He does it so seamlessly that they don't even think Sero notices his actions.
After a few months of hanging out together the group is once again out on another Saturday night. They have already hit a couple bars and are now walking through the park.
Mina is texting the girl Denki helped hook her up with, Bakugo is hold Kirishimas hand as he drags them to a swing set.
Sero walks over to a pond off to the side. He dosen't even have to look to know Kamianri has followed him and is floating next to him.
Sero can't help to notice how pretty Kamianri looks in the moonlight making him look like he is glowing, but also solid. Like hes a real person.
"So, do you think that we are any closer to you crossing to the otherside?"
Denki shakes his head no and Sero mentally sighs in relief.
They watch their friends laugh behind them and Denki smiles. He's so happy that they found and are with the love of their lives.
Denki frowns at the thought.
"I didn't tell you the whole truth of how I died."
Sero turns to Denki completely as he tells his story again but this time he says why he was left to die by his towns people.
"I don't know how, but they found out that I didn't like women. Were I'm from... liking men is a sin or the act of the devil so...they thought it was best to get rid of me and cleans their town of evil."
Sero never wished so badly that he could touch Kaminari and pull him into a hug.
"That wasn't right of them. I'm sorry you had to go through that...but while you're here you are free to like whoever you want."
"What if...what if I like you?"
Sero pauses only for a second before smiling the biggest smile in his life.
"Well...seeing as how I kinda fell for you, I would accept your feeling for me."
Kaminari has a shy smile on his face and asks if Sero could close his eyes for a second.
Sero does without hesitation and its not long after he feels what could only be described as phantom lips on his.
When the pressure on his lips leaves his, he opens his eyes to see Denki moving way from him. And see as he starts fading away.
Denki looks at his hand then up at Sero with big water eyes. Or maybe thats Seros eyes. He can't really tell in the moment.
Denki gives him one last smile before thanking him for everything and then disappears from existance.
Sero tries to grab him but its useless. He's gone. He turns and walks back to his friends.
When he finally reach them and they ask where Denki is, he finally allows himself to cry.
They end their Saturday night outing in Seros apartment all cuddled together and mourning the loss of their friend.
Some more time has passed and no one has really recovered from Kaminari's abrupt departure. Mina, Bakugo, and Kirishima try to keep a brave face on for Sero's sake but they all feel the loss.
Because all things happen on Saturday, the gang decides to go on a walk around town as their activity. Mina brought her girlfriend along so now Sero has somehow become the 5th wheel and is not fan of this revelation.
His sad boy hours are cut short though when he is suddenly hit by a guy caring a box.
They both go to the ground with the box opening and spilling everything around them.
The guy immediately starts to ask if Sero is okay and if he needs help getting up, but Sero can't respond in that moment because he is staring at Kaminari. A Kaminari that he can touch!
The gang by this point is also staring and watching this guy ramble on about being new in town and helping his grandmother with some errands exactly like how THEIR Kamianri would ramble without a breath in between.
Kirishima finally breaks the spell and helps the guy pick the stuff up and asks if he would like help caring the stuff to his grandmothers.
The guy agrees and then introduces himself as Denki.
Sero can't talk or function right now. He is so confused but also filled with so much happiness he thinks that he's going to burst.
"I know I just met you guys but, I feel like I known all of you from somewhere... maybe we were friends in our past lives!"
They all laugh off the comment as they come up to a familiar hole in the wall shop that started this entire journey.
Denki greets the old women with his 100 watt smile as he introduces everyone to his grandma.
The women just gives them all knowing smiles as she ask for Sero and Denki to put the boxes into the back room.
They quickly put the boxes away. Sero had to stand behind Denki to put his on the top shelf and he couldn't help but notice the blush spreading on the others face before joining the group back outside.
The old women informs Denki that these lovely people have volunteered to show him around town and even invited him to go bar hopping with them.
Denki agrees immediately and Sero can't help but be thankful that his boring life got interrupted by the ball of sunshine now walking next to him.
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trans-advice · 4 years
Note
Hey, for the past 5 or so years I have privately identified as nonbinary or not conforming to any gender, and even recently requested that my boss and coworkers use they/them pronouns. About a month ago I stumbled across a "gender critical" blog and started reading it. I know it's a bad idea to engage with trolls, especially when it will impact your sense of self, but I felt restless that my existence was being debated and wanted to hear the other side. Now I am feeling confused (1 o 2 asks)
I’m feeling confused and gross, wondering if all this time I have been actually working against my own feminist beliefs, or if I’m just being naive and getting indoctrinated. Like,I worry about me being a female who simply didn’t subscribe to gender stereotypes, tricking myself into thinking I"wasn’t like the other girls". I have also been wondering about what it means to identify into an oppressed group, and why we can’t talk about it without being dismissed as a dumb TERF. (1 o 2 asks) Thx
— Eve: CW: long post, possibly rambley, could’ve used better editing, transphobia, “gender critical”, recuperation, discussion of “terf” politics, recuperation of liberation movements, politics, oppression, rape culture, anti-fascist, anti-capitalist,
So basically I have tried for almost 4 weeks to write a response detailing this stuff. however it’s gotten too unwieldy. i tried to condense it, but this was as close as i got. it’s practically like 3 drafts back to back. I couldn’t figure out the differences & when i saw similarities it seemed significantly different enough. so I’m not editing any further. here’s a mindvomit. i wish i had this more polished but I can’t do that & i didn’t get a response.
however I’m going to make a history book recommendation, a referral to gendercensus2020, and i need to emphasize that these are much more like personal beliefs & not generally the tone of this blog which aims to give advice & positivity, while this is inherently political, the good bad & ugly. and there are trans people of various persuasions so I don’t want alienate them. i dissecting some ideologies that are transphobic, how they became that, how they got recuperated, and how you can find the same concerns being addressed. I’m answering this because it totally makes sense to me that this is asked in good faith & I want to respect your concerns & show that there are better methods of liberation activism that are trans affirmative, or at least must become & develop into such.
So I’m going to recommend the book “Transgender History (Second Edition)” by Susan Stryker, which I have put on our blog’s google drive account, so hence a link. It goes into the historic common ground between the feminists & LGBT+ peoples. It also gets into historic movements. And on top of that, the first chapter is literally a list of terminology deconstructing gender, which is also helpful for analyzing topics feminism analyzes..
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1IvCwNvCJ_EiDmOer4zS8SbFGz4m-WDJ1
another thing you need to know regarding the label lesbian back in the day is that it was a catchall for any woman who didn’t have sex with men. now granted, this was a cisnormative understanding, but basically lesbians included celibate women, asexual women, and of course bisexual women in addition to gay women.
basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money to have sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (granted, communities cannot be monoliths if they want to be ecosystems, like any movement label there are different interpretations made by members of it, and therefore there are some strands that uphold a homonormative appreciation for conversion therapy. perhaps a middle ground for understanding how that happened is that joke about macho sexuality purity “if a man masturbates with his hand, he’s using a man’s hand to get off, then it’s gay.” granted, there was of course a political/economic reason to this, but still, it seems in terms of history that this joke was considered actually legitimate.)
“lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included ace, celibate & gynephiliac women. part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married which I’ll detail a few paragraphs from now. (while this next thought could be incorrect because I did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, I think the vestiges of those economic pressures are basically the gist of “comphet”.) the goal of political lesbian as well as lesbian separatism was to build an economy/get money that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, via marriage, pregnancy etc. so basically in an effort to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.
however these networks ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. it makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.
> The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210] >
birth control helped to liberate women & that accommodation/handicap for reproductive health disabilities (disability is merely inability to do something that’s Normative. so if having a uterus, pregnancy/menstruation/having breasts etc aren’t considered normal, which is especially common in a patriarchal society for these examples, then it’s disability.) It should be said that due to the desire for bodily autonomy to regulate our own body parts, as well as a desire to manage our fertility & sterilization, the transgender movement has a lot in common with feminism’s female-as-disability movement.)
it should also be noted that before the medical transitioning became accessible that us trans people relied a lot more on social transitioning than medical transitioning. it should also be mentioned that the medical procedures are available & used by cisgender people too.
that being said, since both cis females & transgender women were denied birth control etc, there was a very intense fear of impregnation happening & trans women going back in the closet not only to get money under patriarchy but also because life raising a kid is hard. like if you’ve ever seen “the stepford wives” & look at how the ally husband betrays his feminist wife, then that should clue us into how a lack of birth control scared us.
the problem with the school of feminism that emphasizes physiological sex over gender identity (in order to deny the existence of trans people with female-organs or not) is that it doesn’t account for birth control & how that’s affected the landscape, the economy etc, the revolutionary impact of birth control basically. it also ignores that trans people & cis women feminists have the same goals when it comes to getting freedoms about reproductive rights & bodily autonomy. therefore it ends up being transphobic & wanting to run back into the times when we didn’t have abortion access because they want to hurt us.
That being said though, we need to have birth control & more in order to help liberate trans people too, so if somewhere doesn’t have birth control, then we’re not doing well either because it’d pay a lot more to be transphobic (which of course it doesn’t now when we have birth control & various medical & other technologies). i think what I’m trying to say is that similar to disability accomodations clashing with each other, if we of the women’s liberation, the trans liberation, and the gay & lesbian liberation, and the bisexual & ace liberation get stranded then we’re all doomed. granted we might be doing that due to defensiveness with hostility similar to how in the 1980s feminism got very conservative in USA & how some transgender people get spared in systems with strict gender conformity & anticolonialist values, it’d be wrong to say that all our liberations are in conflict with each other. they can be mishandled, but ultimately, safety still tends to favor cisheteropatriarchal people. internalized patriarchal thinking is like internalized queerphobia, and so forth.
I want to emphasize that it is relatively easy for transgender people especially nonbinary people to find gender critical discourse somewhat appealing. Here’s why: TERFs & Gender Critical discourse is agender-normative disability discourse regarding reproductive health & other AFAB organs. (a disability is being unable to do things that society considers normative. so if you can’t drive & your locale de facto requires it, then that’s a disability. also in usa you’ll find that pregnancy & disability are the main things welfare programs prioritize. a pregnancy can be harmful, but can be easier with the right monitoring etc. which again is the same with disability.)
the problem though is that they then insist on misgendering you as one of the binary genders based on objectification of your body (specifically, “morphology”). point being, because you feel dysphoric over being misgendered as something nonbinary as being mislabeled as cisgender, this implies that you are indeed transgender.
https://gendercensus.com/post/612238605773111296/the-gender-census-2020-is-now-open
Now to be clear, there are historical economic considerations that made the decisions to specialize on the intersectionality of cisgender AFABs, but the economy & technology has changed. Basically marriage back in the day was economically necessary because there was effectively no birth control available. Therefore, to get child support etc, required getting the father to pay the consequences. However, marriage was very much a chattel property institution, marital rape was still legal, and women couldn’t get credit etc in our own names.
#
At the same time, similar to birth control being unavailable, hormones & other procedures for medically transitioning trans people were unavailable as well, which meant social transitioning & wardrobe etc were the main methods of affirming our gender. however, we sometimes got lucky & had a doctor write us a note affirming our gender & sometimes we got even luckier & govts accepted this. this however required getting labelled sick & begging doctors to give us treatment & getting money for this since insurance companies etc still discriminated against transgender people even when we agreed to have our gender identity situation labelled as sick & medically necessary. (similarly insurance companies still refuse to cover abortions & so do some doctors & hospitals.)
#
So this meant that AFABs were concerned about getting hijacked via impregnation. Because of the patriarchal economics of the whole thing, people were afraid of “the stepford wives” repeating itself in their own lives, where the mind can only handle what the ass can stand would mean trans women would go back into the closet.
#
Granted, that’s a bit misrepresentative of trans women & trans people because trans people & cis women who can get pregnant do have a lot more in common. we take the same meds, go to the same clinics, menopause etc gets taken due to distress over how our bodies work, etc. then again, how would trans AMAB people have gotten the money for child support?
#
historically & still to this day we basically had to beg doctors for the ability to get hormones to get a surgery to get a gender marker change & so on, which granted, what we trans people had available to us varied from locale to locale because it required collaborations of trans people, doctors, and the local govts & especially their police stations. again, before roe v wade abortion providers were super underground & secretive & there were specialized units at police stations for hunting down patients & providers under the charge of “murder”. it’s the same dynamics.
#
seriously trans people & people with bodies that can get pregnant, menstruate, menopause, etc, we go to the same clinics! women’s health clinics take trans patients, planned parenthood takes trans patients, do i need to go any further on how trans people & feminists have the same interests regarding reproductive health?
as for political lesbianism:
basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money before having sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (i’m not sure what the conditions were like surrounding not piv sex among the straights, and therefore what the likelihood of avoiding piv sex was. I do know that rape culture was much more heavily normalized than it is now.)
“Lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included: - ace, - celibate - bisexual - gay women. Part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married, (while this next statement could be incorrect because i did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, i think the vestiges of those economic pressures such as weddings are basically the gist of “comphet”.)
The goal of Political Lesbianism as well as Lesbian Separatism was to build an economy that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, such as that of marriage, pregnancy etc. In efforts to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.
However these networks, (partly due to lacking radicalization) ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. It makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.
> “The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210]”
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inyournightmares97 · 6 years
Text
The Passionate Discourse
Part of the Thirsty Days of September series, a collaboration with @ijustwantacue. Find her version here!
A difference of opinion leads to a healthy debate between you and the sexy Professor Mark Tuan… and just maybe, a little something more.
Word Count: 7k+
Warnings: A little steamy but no smut, also some strong opinions on feminism and other sensitive subjects. The opinions stated by the reader or Mark are not necessarily my own so don’t attack me for them, I just took up two extreme viewpoints. 
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This was possibly the most pathetic excuse for a party you’d ever seen.
Then again, your mother had organized the whole event and a large majority of the invitees were busybody women in their late fifties from her new book club. You had been worried that your mother would be sad and lonely after her recent divorce, but she had taken on life as a single woman with fresh vigor by joining a new book club and becoming quite popular among the elderly and retired in your community. You’d never seen her pick up a single book throughout your childhood yet now she met up every Saturday with a group of similarly lonely women to discuss the likes of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte.
Oh, well. As long as she was happy you had nothing to complain about. You wished that she wouldn’t invite her friends over here on weekends and pressure you to serve them tea and buy those cute little finger foods while they told you that you looked exactly like your mother and commented on how you were still unmarried.
It was demeaning, really. You were a fully-grown adult woman and you didn’t need to be subjected to this infantile treatment.
“Darling!” your mother came over to you and grasped your arm firmly as she pulled you aside. You had been trying half-heartedly to explain to a group of older women what you did for a living. With their dangerously limited knowledge they had somehow wrongly concluded that you were a doctor and you didn’t care quite enough to correct them. You were rescued from hearing about Mrs. Lee’s backache when your mother pulled you away. “Darling, I must have a word with you. Do you remember I mentioned Mrs. Tuan the other day?”
You blinked. “You might have. I can’t remember.”
“Well, she is one of my very dearest friends,” you mother explained, although it was much more likely that they’d just met a few times at the book club. “She’ll be coming down here to join the party and she messaged me to let me know that her son is dropping her off. Now I know that you don’t really like me to recommend you to my friend’s sons because it hasn’t gone very well in the past-“
You glared at your mother. “Not very well? The last man had been divorced twice already and he was one of those!”
Your mother frowned. “One of those what?”
You folded your arms across your chest and hissed. “Those anti-vaccine movement supporters! He told me right to my face that he would never let his children get vaccinated because vaccines were a conspiracy created by the medical community to make money! Do you know insulting it is as a biomedical scientist to be told right to your face that your entire life’s research is a cheap scam? Was I supposed to date that disgusting man?”
Your mother sighed. “Yes, all right. I see how he wasn’t right for you. For your information, it’s very difficult to find men who can live up to your absurdly high intellectual standards. But Mrs. Tuan’s son is different. I think you might actually like him. He’s a Professor! Isn’t that exciting?”
“Not particularly.”
Your mother frowned and her grip on your arm tightened. She lowered her voice to make sure that nobody else at the party was listening to you. “Now listen. You’re not getting any younger and it’s hard for women like you who are so constantly focused on their careers to find men willing to put up with them. Mark Tuan is a perfectly lovely man. He’s never been married or divorced, he’s a Professor at a rather prestigious university and judging by the summer holiday pictures that his mother showed me last week, he’s also extremely handsome. At least give him a chance?”
You sighed. “Yes, fine.”
“Thank you, darling. I knew you wouldn’t disappoint your mother. It’s been so lonely since the divorce, you know, and I at least want you to find some happiness and not end up like me.”
You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. Reading too much Jane Austen was turning your mother into one of those typical, overdramatic mothers from the Regency era whose sole aim in life was to marry off her daughters. You opened your mouth to tell her that maybe she should remember what century she was in, when the doorbell suddenly rang. Your mother jumped up with an enormous smile on her face.
“That must be Mrs. Tuan! Come with me, darling, let’s go greet them together….”
You followed your mother to the door reluctantly. It was indeed Mrs. Tuan; you smiled and greeted the older woman pleasantly before allowing your gaze to turn to her son standing just a little bit behind her. You froze for a moment while you looked at the man.
Well, well, well. Mark Tuan was handsome indeed.
Your heart did a little leap when he smiled at you, his gorgeous lips spreading into a rather boyish but still extremely attractive smile. Mark was wearing a dark blazer and the round spectacles on his face made him look intelligent and mature despite his young age. Your mouth went dry as he held out a hand to you. His handshake was firm and his skin warm. You couldn’t help but look down at the large hand grasping yours. You’d always liked a man’s hands. Mark’s were smooth yet strong.
“Mark Tuan,” he introduced himself in a soft and deep voice. You looked up into a pair of chocolate brown eyes that seemed innocent, yet briefly flickered up and down your body as they drank you in. You forgot how to speak for a moment so your mother grasped your arm and smiled for you.
“It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Mark. Won’t you come in and join us?”
Mark hesitated and as he exchanged glances with you, you saw a mild hint of panic in his eyes. He clearly didn’t want to be trapped into discussing Wuthering Heights with his mother’s friends. You decided in that split instant that you were rather attracted to this Mark person and that if you were going to be stuck at this stupid party anyway, you would much rather be stuck with him.
“Actually, I had just come to drop my Mother off. I wasn’t planning to stay-“
You gave him one of your most welcoming smiles. Mark was surely handsome, but you knew how to handle yourself around handsome men. “But you must come in for at least one cup of tea! The book club meeting doesn’t start for another twenty minutes and I’m sure that everyone would love to meet you in the meantime. We’ve heard so much about you, Professor Tuan.”
Mark blinked at you in surprise. “Well, um-“
“Come dear, have some tea with us!” his mother insisted, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him inside. You noticed that both of your mothers exchanged a rather mischievous glance and realized that they had probably been planning this for a long time. Honestly; were they running a book club or a matchmaking ring for their children? Either way, the longer you looked at Mark, the more you decided that perhaps your mother hadn’t made such a terrible choice after all.
You followed them into the dining room where all the women almost literally pounced upon Mark at once. You had to admit that in that dark coat and with his naturally charming smile he looked like a hero straight out of a Jane Austen adaptation. You left the older women to badger him with questions and compliments while you slipped into the kitchen. For once, you weren’t the center of attention and the moment’s respite was a relief. You turned the coffee machine on and listened to the chattering drifting in from the dining room half-heartedly. If he survived the crowd of women and lived to tell the tale, you decided that you would give Mark a chance.
He was definitely a treat for the eyes, after all.
About fifteen minutes later, Mark entered the kitchen by himself. He was straightening his jacket and you noticed that he seemed a little bit flustered. He adjusted his glasses on his face and gave you a small, slightly embarrassed smile that made your knees feel weak. Damn. It should be criminal to have such a gorgeous smile.
“Hi,” he greeted you shyly.
You smiled at him. “Survived the wolves, did you?”
“Yes, they’re finally starting their book club discussion now,” Mark replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. You leaned back and noticed that despite being slender, he looked extremely athletic. The jacket buttons were certainly straining over his chest. He leaned against the counter. “I’m informed that it’s Sense and Sensibility they’re discussing today, although there seems to be very little of either to go around in that group.”
You giggled. He had an interesting way of speaking. Perhaps he taught Literature, or something along those lines. How interesting and poetic. You heard the coffee machine behind you ding and gestured towards it. “Can I offer you some coffee? They’re only serving tea out there today. Apparently it’s in keeping with the Jane Austen theme but neither I nor my mother have ever made tea so I’m sure it tasted disgusting.”
Mark grinned. “The little tea cakes were all right.”
“Oh, those were store-bought.”
“Good decision.”
You turned to grab mugs as you poured generous amount of coffee into them. It smelled heavenly and Mark stepped closer to you in order to peek at the delicious beverage. He pointed out your extremely fancy coffee-maker with a smile. “That looks like the sort of machine you would find in an actual coffee shop. A little bit much for a normal household, isn’t it?”
You shrugged as you added milk into the heavenly brew. It became a lovely dark color and you made a little white swirl on the top. “I love coffee. I bought it as a gift for my mother but I think we both know that it was really for me. Sugar?”
“Yes, please,” Mark replied eagerly. You turned to him and noticed that he still had that handsome, boyish smile on his face. He took the coffee mug that you offered him and took a small sip. You couldn’t help but watch as his tongue darted out to lick his lips gently. God, did this man have any idea how attractive he was? Mark noticed you staring at him and his mouth twisted into a small smirk but he said nothing. “This is delicious. Thank goodness I can finally get the taste of that tea out of my mouth.”
“You’re welcome,” you told him.
Mark nodded and took another sip of the coffee before placing the mug on the counter. He was still leaning against it with his arms folded across his chest and you noticed that his chocolate-colored eyes were looking you up and down gently. His gaze sent a shiver down your spine, even though his eyes didn’t linger at any one place for too long. Well. At least he knows how to keep it classy. You found yourself subconsciously straightening your shoulders so that your chest looked nicer.
“So,” Mark began casually. “Do you live here with your mother, then? I don’t see any other reason why you would spend your weekend doing something like this.”
“Unfortunately, yes. I moved back here after my mother’s divorce was finalized because I thought that she might be lonely. I had no idea that she’d suddenly developed a more active social life than my own,” you said with a small laugh. You leaned against the counter and smiled. “I don’t think I could get this many friends to come over to my house at once. I’m always working.”
Mark blinked. “Oh? And what do you do?”
“I’m a scientist. I specialize in biomedical research and I work for the Medical Research Council,” you explained. Mark’s eyes widened and you could tell from his expression that he was impressed. You gave him a small, teasing smirk “But before you ask, I’m not a doctor and no, I don’t know why you’ve been feeling a little warmer than usual these days. My best guess is either menopause or global warming.”
Mark nodded. “That’s very impressive. Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to diagnose my health problems. Although I wonder if there’s anything you can do about this one constant headache I’ve been suffering. It gets significantly worse when I’m in the same room as the women from my mother’s book club, you see…”
You could tell from the mischievous smile that spread across his face that he was joking. You laughed and rolled your eyes at him. Handsome, intelligent and funny. You wondered if this man could get any more perfect. This was the first time that you’d ever felt so attracted to someone that you were meeting for the first time and from the way Mark’s eyes never moved away from yours either, he was equally attracted to you. You bit your lip and smiled at him.
“So, Professor Mark. Let me guess what it is you teach,” you told him with a flirtatious smile.
Mark took a sip of his coffee and shrugged. “Go ahead.”
“Your comment about Sense and Sensibility was rather interesting. At first I thought you might teach something like literature, but then I realized that the comment was a little superficial. It’s not likely to come from somebody who’s actually read the book and knows that the title is referring to foolish young love and not gossiping old women. So I’m guess your field of study has nothing to do with Literature or Poetry or anything like that.”
“You’re partly right,” Mark told you with an amused smile. “I’m not a Literature professor but I have read Sense and Sensibility. So that leaves your conclusion accurate while your analysis is rather lacking.”
You tapped your cheek with a finger as you scanned him. What did this mysterious man teach? It was difficult to tell just by looking at his face. Mark merely pushed his glasses further up his nose and looked at you calmly while you stared at him. You finally snapped your fingers and pointed at him. “Okay. If you read something like Sense and Sensibility, then you must be a rather sensitive and romantic person. I’m getting some sort of artsy vibes from you. And you have a lovely voice. Do you by any chance teach some sort of music?”
Mark laughed his gorgeous laugh and shook his head. “No, you’re going in the wrong direction. Thank you for the compliment about my voice, though. I’ve never heard anyone say that before.”
You flushed. “It just has a rather nice, deep tone to it.”
Mark simply smirked. “Well, you’d better stop getting distracted by it because you’re losing whatever little game we’re playing. Music and Literature? Is that all you can think of?”
You frowned. “Give me a hint.”
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a moment. Then he smiled and straightened up a little bit. “Okay. But this is a pretty obvious hint. You know how I said earlier that I read Sense and Sensibility? Well, I did read it from an academic perspective. So make what you will with that.”
A little lightbulb went off in your head and you beamed. “Ah! History, then!”
“No, not History.”
Your lower lip jutted out into a small pout at the slightly triumphant expression on his face. You honestly couldn’t think of anything and you wondered what you could possibly be missing. You sighed and raised an eyebrow at Mark. “Why one earth would you read Sense and Sensibility from an academic perspective if you’re not looking either at the literature or at the historical aspect? What other angle could a Jane Austen novel about a pair of sisters looking for love possibly have?”
“Are you giving up that easily?” he teased as you felt your cheeks warm. You hadn’t intended to make yourself look like an idiot but Mark seemed extremely amused. “I thought scientists were always on an endless quest for answers about the universe?”
You rolled your eyes. “You’re definitely not a scientist if you believe that.”
Mark nodded. “That’s correct.”
“Well then, please tell me. What does the mysterious Mark Tuan actually teach and what academic angle could he possibly have found in a classic romance tale such as Sense and Sensibility? I’m just dying to know.”
“Let me give you a few more hints because you’re almost there,” Mark explained. “Sense and Sensibility was written by a woman. The main protagonists are all women and it talks about the lives of women. So therefore I must be studying….?”
You blinked at him. “Women?” you asked, confused. You stared at Mark for a few more moments until the puzzle clicked in your mind. “Wait… you can’t be referring to feminism?”
“Close enough. I teach Gender Studies.”
You couldn’t help it; a slightly derisive snort escaped your mouth. He couldn’t possibly be serious? You searched Mark’s dark eyes for any sign that he was joking and concluded that he looked perfectly serious. You had to cover your mouth in order to hold back the amused chuckle that was pushing past your lips. You had never heard anything more ridiculous in your life. Why on earth would a handsome, intelligent man like Mark Tuan choose to study something as frivolous as Gender Studies?
Mark raised an eyebrow. “Is something funny?”
“Yes!” you blurted out. You knew you were being extremely rude but you had never been one to hold back whatever you wanted to say. “I mean, why would you choose to become a Professor in something like Gender Studies? You can’t mean to say that you actually did a bachelor’s degree and then a masters and then a doctorate, all those years of study… on something as useless and commonplace as gender?”
The smile had dropped from Mark’s face. There was a slightly serious, more intense look in his eyes and his voice sounded a little hard. “I’m sensing some condescension in your tone.”
“You’re sensing right!”
“I take it you don’t approve, then.”
“It seems like a complete waste of time to me,” you replied with a challenging stare. “I mean, I’m assuming you talk about things like feminism and you argue over whether this gender is more oppressed or that gender is more oppressed or… oh wait! There’s no gender at all! It’s a social construct that has been imposed on us without any scientific backing, and the world is a better place because we’ve somehow all decided that. It’s a waste of time. It’s like arguing over whether jam tastes better on toast or butter. It doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference to anyone or really impact anything.”
Mark bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at you. You could see that his eyes had darkened and his arms coolly folded across his chest. “So if I’m hearing correctly, you think my field of study is… pointless? Or that arguing about feminism or gender-based discrimination is useless?”
You stared back at him, unblinking. “Isn’t it?”
“You don’t believe that women are oppressed?” he demanded.
You sighed and rubbed your temples. “Look. I agree that there are orthodox countries and parts of the world where women are locked up indoors and denied education and the basic freedom to move around and killed if they have sex before marriage. It’s terrible. It really is. I agree that social reformists are extremely important in places like that. But you’re not in one of those countries. Why on earth would educated and developed people like us still sit and whine about gender discrimination in the First World? We’re not locked up. We have access to resources. Everybody agrees that women should be allowed to be educated-“
Mark sighed and shook his head. “You can’t really believe that gender-based discrimination is restricted to orthodox, backward countries where they murder women for having sex.”
“I do, actually,” you replied with a frown. “Look. Feminism was relevant when, for example, women weren’t allowed to vote. It’s not relevant now. Now people who have all the resources and the money and the time in the world are just wasting their time conducting research about useless things like gender when they could be spending their efforts doing something more productive.”
Mark scoffed. “Like what? Biomedical research?”
“Yes, actually. I’ll have you know that my field of research saves lives.”
“Do you really think that a woman would be able to work in STEM fields like biomedicine if it wasn’t for the work of so many feminists before you? Scientific research is a male-dominated field. It always has been. Not only is it dominated by men in numbers but the inherent structures and the demands of the field are such that men are preferred for the work-“
You scoffed. “Don’t tell me about my own field. Do you think I’m an idiot? I’m a woman who’s been working in biomedical research for over five years and I know perfectly well that gender studies is just an excuse for women who don’t want to put in the hard work it takes in order to study and be successful in such a highly demanding field. Women like that just want things handed to them because they don’t want to struggle. So they like to blame the system.”
“And you don’t think they struggle more than men do?” Mark demanded.
You laughed. You couldn’t believe the nonsense that this man was speaking. “Why on earth would women struggle more than men? It’s exactly the same work! I’m sorry to break it to you, Professor Tuan but there are an absurdly large number of women who sit and study about why there are so few women in STEM fields while none of them actually have the courage or the intelligence to enter into a STEM field themselves… I have nothing to say to women like that, and I don’t think a man like you should be encouraging them to waste their time.”
“You’re unbelievable,” Mark said with a soft chuckle. He didn’t even look angry anymore. He just looked bewildered. “How can a woman like you be so blind to the institutional problems and everyday sexism of STEM fields?”
“Maybe because I’m not looking for excuses to slack off.”
Mark pushed himself away from the edge of the counter and stepped closer to you. You felt your heartbeat thud as he stepped closer, his dark eyes piercing into yours as he approached.
“Okay,” he said in a soft, low voice. “Let’s assume for a moment that you’re right. That my research is a complete waste of time and that women like you don’t need feminism. Let’s assume that the only reason so many women fail to be successful in STEM fields is because they don’t want to put in the hard work. Can you seriously tell me, on a basic level, that men and women are entirely equal in society?” he demanded. The smile had disappeared from his face and he was moving closer to you every moment. “Are you telling me that you are capable of doing every single thing a man is doing?”
Your heartbeat raced as you felt the kitchen counter pressing into your back. Mark didn’t stop moving. He was standing inches away from you and his face was leaning down closer to yours. You could see his dark eyes staring down at you and the perfect angles of his gorgeous face. You tried not to blush and maintained eye contact with him despite the blood rushing to your face.
“Yes,” you replied. “I believe that I am just as capable as a man. And a study trying to convince me that I’m weaker or that the world is unfair and that I need someone’s help is a waste of everyone’s time.”
Mark’s hands moved to both sides of your waist and he gripped the kitchen counter behind you. You were trapped in between his arms while his head dipped down to level with yours. “So,” he said as he lowered his voice to a whisper. “You’re telling me that if I decided to take you, right here and right now on this kitchen counter just to satisfy my carnal urges then you would be able to fight me off?” Mark’s breath was warm on your face and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. “You wouldn’t feel a little bit… powerless? Like it was an unfair fight?”
You couldn’t help but smirk as you leaned closer to him. “I think the question you should be asking,” you whispered in a sultry voice. “Is why I would want to fight something like that at all?”
Mark chuckled. The deep rumble in his chest sent shivers down your spine as one of his hands left to the kitchen counter to gently caress your waist. His hand splayed out on your side, a feather-light touch that was possessive and yet left you craving more. “I should have seen that coming,” he admitted with a small smile as he bit his lip. “You really haven’t been able to take your eyes off me from the moment I entered this house.”
You felt your cheeks flush. “And you’re not attracted to me?” you demanded.
Mark raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t say that. You’re an extremely attractive woman.”
“But you think my views are stupid, is that it?” you demanded. Mark’s eyes were fixed on your lips and you felt a surge of confidence. Gender studies professor or not, the lustful part of your mind had taken over the logical portion and you decided that you wanted this man. Nobody had ever made your heart race like this before. Your body was physically craving him. “I suppose our opinions don’t really coincide, do they?”
“No, they don’t,” Mark whispered. “And that is a little bit of a problem.”
“I have a simple solution.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. We stop talking.”
Mark looked down at the twinkle in your eyes before smirking. “For once, I think I agree with your idea.”
You leaned up and kissed him, your lips colliding together in a furious clash. Mark pressed you against the counter harshly while he devoured your lips and molded your bodies together. Your head spun in a cloud of lust. Mark’s tongue slid into your mouth and his hands cupped your ass. Within moments, he had lifted you up by the thighs and set you on the counter without once breaking your kiss. You moaned as he pulled away from you to breathe for a moment.
“Fuck,” you whispered.
He let out a soft, boyish chuckle. “Enjoying yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” he growled before kissing you again. You let your hands slide into his dark hair as his palms gripped your thighs tightly. You melted against him while he nipped at your lips and smiled into your kiss. Mark kept teasing you and you had to thread your fingers into his hair tightly to keep his lips connected to yours. He didn’t seem to mind at all. Your forehead kept hitting his glasses and you let out a soft whine before reaching up to rip his glasses off his face.
“You don’t really need those, do you?” you teased as you kissed him again. Mark let out a low moan that made your stomach twist. You tossed the glasses onto the counter and whimpered as he sank his teeth into your lower lip softly. It was getting harder to stay quiet and Mark’s hands had started to move higher up and were beginning to slide under your shirt. He pulled away from you and pecked your lips softly.
“You’re getting too loud, sweetheart,” he whispered with a smirk. “Is there anywhere more private that we could continue, uh, not talking?”
You gasped as Mark’s cold hands trailed up the bare skin of your torso.
“Fuck. Fuck, okay, let’s go upstairs. Through the back door.”
“Lead the way.”
--
Mark Tuan was an amazing lover.
Admittedly, things got a little clumsy and awkward after you’d both fucked in your bedroom. Neither of you could entirely forget that your mothers were right downstairs, discussing a classic romance novel and probably hoping that the two of you would fall in love at first sight, get married and have children. Mark had looked a little embarrassed while he gathered up his clothes. He gave you a sheepish smile and pointed out that he should head back downstairs before your mothers noticed.
That had been your opportunity to say something. Let’s exchange numbers, you could have said. Or do you want to have coffee sometime? Mark had paused in your doorway and looked at you for a few moments, giving you the opportunity to say that this wasn’t a one-time thing. But you simply couldn’t do it. Despite how extremely attracted you were to Mark and even though it was the first time you’d ever slept with a man that you’d just met, you knew deep down that it wouldn’t work.
If I can’t respect what he does, then how can I ever respect him?
So you merely nodded and smiled, letting him walk out of your room and out of your life. Your mother looked heartbroken when you told her that things with Mark hadn’t worked out. But she knew better than to pressure you, and so you simply moved on with your life and convinced yourself that you hadn’t let go of an amazing man.
--
(A few days later)
You entered the office building and headed straight for the break-room. You were early and you planned to have a cup of coffee before a meeting with your boss. Some of your coworkers were sitting and having a quick breakfast so you smiled at them in greeting.
“Hey guys. Have a nice weekend?” you asked the pair of guys sitting and munching on toast.
“It was all right. You’re at work pretty early today!” Youngjae greeted you with a friendly smile. He was one of the brightest and happiest guys that you worked with, and one of the few that never seemed to differentiate you as a woman. He offered you some toast and shrugged when you refused. “Going to get cracking early on Monday morning, huh?”
You shook your head. “Hardly. I have a meeting with Dr. Lee today, I’d applied to be a part of his research group on antibody research and I’m going to find out whether I made the cut. It’s a five-year project and I’ve been focusing on antibodies recently, so it would be amazing to finally be a part of some solid, useful research instead of all this medical testing nonsense they make us do.”
Youngjae blinked at you. “…Oh.”
“Is something wrong?” you wondered.
“It’s just… um, I don’t know how to tell you this. But I heard that all the positions on that research team were filled. I think the last slot went to Park Jinyoung.”
You stared in shock. “What? Park Jinyoung? But I have at least three years more experience than him and I don’t think he’s ever done any specific research on antibodies before. I thought his specialty was stem cell research? Why on earth would Dr. Lee choose him over me?”
Youngjae looked embarrassed. “I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Dr. Lee.”
You nodded, setting down your coffee mug and storming over to your boss’ office. It was at least fifteen minutes before your scheduled meeting with him but you weren’t going to wait around in order to hear about whether you’d been rejected. You knocked loudly on the door and were told to come in. You put on your sweetest smile as you faced the older man who sat behind his desk.
“Dr. Lee! I hope I’m not disturbing you. I was hoping we could talk about my research?”
The man blinked at you through his glasses. “Of course! Come in, come in. I know you applied to be a part of my special research team and I’m sure you’ve heard already but I had to give the position to Park Jinyoung. I hope you understand that I had to take into account the stability of the project and the limited funds we have.”
You bit your lip as you sat down in front of him. “I… don’t exactly understand, to be perfectly frank, sir. I have at least three years more experience than him. There’s nothing wrong with my work records here and I already have specific research experience in the field of antibodies. Why has he been preferred for the position over me? If there’s something lacking in my performance then I’d like to know.”
Dr. Lee shook his head. “Certainly not! We’ve had consistently excellent performance from you. It was merely a strategic decision.”
“Well, I’d like to know what the strategy you applied was.”
The older man cleared his throat and for the first time, you noticed that he looked a little uncomfortable. You had no idea what was wrong. You’d been working for him for almost four years now and he had always been perfectly pleasant and seemed to appreciate your work. Why wouldn’t he want you on his research team? Dr. Lee placed his hands on his desk and gave you a gentle smile.
“All right, dear. I know you’re one of those people who considers the progress of science to be much more important than individual goals so I’ll be perfectly honest with you. This is a five-year project and I have to get a lot of research done in a very limited budget. I need to be assured that everyone on the team is entirely dedicated to the project and we don’t fall behind schedule.”
You felt hurt. “And you don’t think I have that level of dedication-“
“I’m sure you do. But this is a five-year project and you’re a woman in your mid-twenties. I have to consider… I mean, if you suddenly chose to go on maternity leave for a few months… well, that could be enough to derail the entire progress of the project. I had to choose Jinyoung to be safe.”
You stared at the man, unable to believe what he was telling you. Did he just deny you a position on the research team that you’d been aiming for year merely because there was a chance you could choose to get pregnant? You had never heard anything more absurd. You gritted your teeth and tried not to lose your temper. It wasn’t Dr. Lee’s fault, he was just doing what was best for his research team.
“Dr. Lee, I’m not even married-“
“But you could get married soon, if you chose. And so many women choose to become single mothers through donated sperm these days. As I said, I need a guaranteed five years of dedication.”
You felt helpless. How could this be happening? You weren’t pregnant and you hadn’t gotten married so how could he deny you the position due to something so flimsy? You felt a surge of desperation and leaned forward. “Dr. Lee, you know that I’ve been focusing all my efforts towards contributing to your work in the hopes that I would be able to be a part of this research. It’s one of my life’s dreams, and getting married or having children is entirely secondary to me. I would be willing to sign a legal statement waiving my right to maternity leave or any such benefit if that was what it would take…”
Dr. Lee merely gave you a sympathetic smile. “You know I can’t ask you to do that. Such a document would have no value, it’s entirely illegal to ask a woman to do give up her right to maternity leave.”
You felt a burst of anger flare inside of you. “It’s also illegal to deny a woman a position solely on the basis of her sex. We live in the twenty-first century, in case you’d forgotten.”
“I expected better from you. I thought you would understand that the consistent pursuit of science and saving lives comes before any individual person’s interests-“
You scoffed, glaring at the old man sitting in front of you. You had always thought he was sweet, kind and brilliant but it suddenly struck you what selfish creatures men really were. How dare he deny you a position that should have rightfully been yours? How dare he accuse you of not being loyal to science? You had dedicated your entire life to the cause until now and they still didn’t trust you to hold out for another five years? Would Dr. Lee have hesitated to hire Park Jinyoung if he wanted to have a baby?
“Does it really?” you asked with a sweet smile, as you stood up. “Well. We’ll see how your noble pursuits hold out in court, shall we?”
--
Professor Mark Tuan was sitting in his office and preparing for his lecture the next day, when he heard a sharp rap on his office door. It was regular office hours. Plenty of students walked in around this time, hoping to discuss the reading material or get help on their research papers so he merely pushed his glasses higher up his nose and called out.
“Come in!”
The last thing he expected to see was you.
You entered his office, looking as beautiful as ever despite the slightly embarrassed smile on your face. Mark felt his heart skip a beat. He hadn’t expected to see you again. If the disagreement you’d had over feminism wasn’t a deal-breaker, then the awkward goodbye after sex certainly had been. Mark had felt angry with himself after he left your house. Sleeping with you had been amazing, but he wondered whether, if he had held on for a little while longer, he could have gotten to know you better. Something about you still intrigued him.
“Hi,” he greeted you, unable to hold back a bewildered smile as he saw you hesitate in the doorway. “Wow, I certainly didn’t expect to see you today. What are you doing here?”
You bit your lip as you stared at him. This was so humiliating. “Uh…”
“Why don’t you sit down?”
You sat down awkwardly, wondering how to go about this whole thing. It seemed a little silly to be talking to a man whose life’s work you had dismissed and ridiculed just a few days ago. But Mark seemed genuinely glad to see you and deep down, you knew that he wasn’t holding a grudge over your previous conversation. “Sorry to come to your workplace like this,” you apologized softly. “It’s just that we never exchanged numbers that day and I didn’t want to get my Mom involved so I thought I’d just come to the university and ask about your office hours.”
Mark nodded, his eyes twinkling. “Well, it’s nice to see you again.”
You bit your lip. “You too.”
“Is there something you wanted to say to me in particular?”
You took a deep breath but it was difficult to speak. The events of this morning were still fresh in your mind and you couldn’t get over it. It had taken you years to get your dream job and you had just walked out on your boss and risked everything in a moment’s rage. But the rage was still burning inside of you. Mark seemed to notice the pain in your eyes because he walked around the desk and stood beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder. “Hey. Are you doing all right?”
You shook your head, finding it difficult to speak. “I… um. I quit my job today. Well, not exactly. I didn’t hand in a resignation or anything I just threatened to sue my boss and stormed out of the office, so…” you choked out. Your shoulders trembled and to your surprise, Mark gently pulled you up and wrapped his arms around you. You let yourself relax into his warm embrace. His touch felt amazing; not like the electric sexual tension you’d felt before, but a soft and comforting feeling that you needed.
“It’s okay,” he whispered gently, his deep voice relaxing you. “Take a deep breath and talk about it.”
“You were right. He denied me a position on a 5-year research team because there’s a chance I might get pregnant and want to take maternity leave during that time. That asshole. I thought Dr. Lee was a good person and I thought that he really valued my work because he always seemed to treat me as an equal with all the other male employees but- but the moment my gender posed the slightest inconvenience to him, he…”
Mark’s hand stroked your back comfortingly. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
You blinked back your tears and looked up at him. “You’re probably thinking that I deserved it, right?”
He chuckled and one of his hands reached up to cup your face gently. Mark’s dark brown eyes were looking down at you with a hint of kindness as well as sympathy. “I won’t lie, there are probably things you could have done if you’d been a bit more prepared and accepted that this was something that could happen to you,” he said lightly but his tone change once he saw your face crumple. “But, no. Nobody deserves this.”
You closed your eyes. “What am I going to do?”
Mark looked down at you and before you could react, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. You were surprised at his sweetness as he stepped back and gave you his charming, handsome smile. “We are going to go and get a cup of coffee while you tell me exactly what happened and then we decide whether to sue this bastard in court or write an anonymous article shaming him before the entire academic community.”
You giggled. “I like both of these options.”
Mark grabbed his coat and put it on before reaching out to squeeze your hand comfortingly. “Thank you for coming to me about this,” he said softly. “I was worried I’d never see you again and I was starting to regret walking out of your room without saying anything that day.”
You bit your lip. “What would you have said?”
Mark stepped forward until he was standing inches away from you and he leaned down to whisper into your ear softly. “I would have told you that you are the most beautiful and sexy woman I’d ever met, and I wouldn’t mind arguing with you every single day of my life if at least half of our arguments ended the way ours did.”
You shuddered as his lips brushed your ear and you gave him a teasing smirk. “You haven’t seen the worst of me yet. I can be extremely stubborn about my views. What are your opinions on multilateral free trade at the international level?”
“Isn’t free trade a good thing?”
You leaned back and smirked. “Excellent. Let’s discuss that in detail, shall we?”
453 notes · View notes
akitokihojo · 6 years
Text
Rage
Recently, I saw some art of human Inuyasha saving Kagome, which I am all here for! But then it gave me an idea. What if the roles were reversed? Enter bamf Kagome in all of her well-deserved glory.
..............................................
Kagome slid the door open slightly, peeking out into the dark woods from Sango's doorway for what she felt was maybe the eighteenth time within the last thirty minutes. Nothing. Still nothing. Tilting her head back, she eyed the night sky hoping the moon would have appeared overheard since she last poked her head out. Nothing.
Sliding the door shut, she went back to the pacing she'd been doing since the sun set. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest while she flicked her thumb nail back and forth over the nail of her middle finger, creating a clicking sound that did little to distract her.
"I take it they still aren't back?" Sango asked, setting her sleeping one year old down in his makeshift, bedside bassinet and peering nervously over her shoulder at Kagome.
Kagome could only shake her head in response, knowing her nerves were getting the better of her, and thankful all of Sango's children were asleep so they wouldn't pick up on the unsettling emotions that practically oozed from her own pores.
Earlier today, a man from a village a couple of hours out requested the help of Miroku and Inuyasha. A demon had begun reeking havoc on the village the night before, and was holding all of the women hostage while literally devouring the men. A demon like this wasn't something the hanyou and monk were strangers to, being well-known demon slayers now, so they obliged and followed the villager back. Kagome couldn't help but feel surprised when Inuyasha agreed to help so easily. Normally on the night of the new moon he was hesitant to leave the house, let alone agree to slay a demon. And when she asked if he was sure, Inuyasha had promised to be back before sundown.
Sundown was hours ago.
Kagome felt sick, her stomach feeling heavy in her abdomen. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. And it only agitated her more that Sango appeared so calm when her husband was missing, too.
"They'll be back." Sango placed a light hand on her friend's shoulder, stopping her from her pacing in an attempt to soothe her nerves. "Maybe there was just a small set back. Maybe they decided to stay the night in the village and they'll return by morning."
"On an average night, I might take your word for it. But it's a new moon, and I've got a bad feeling." Kagome's arms dropped to her sides, her voice coming out small and breathy.
Sango felt her heart give an aggressive thud, the anxiety beginning to boil up and spill over. She'd felt something was off all night, and not just because the priestess in her home was a nervous wreck. For hours now, she'd just been telling herself to be patient. Miroku and Inuyasha had run late on numerous occasions before, and have even had to stay in distant villages overnight due to set backs and late hours. Something was different tonight though, and Sango couldn't believe she hadn't realized what tonight was. More importantly, Sango couldn't believe Inuyasha agreed to help out on such a compromising occasion.
"I... I should go after them." Kagome stated, peering back over to the closed door and then to the corner of the room where her bow and arrows sat leaning against the wall.
"Kagome, no. Not alone. It's too dangerous! If something did happen to them, what's to say the same won't happen to you?!" The mother gripped Kagome's hand as she tried to move past, shaking her head with pleading eyes.
"There's no guarantees, Sango, but I have to try."
"What if they're on their way back?"
"Then we'll cross paths."
"Maybe I should go, instead."
"No." Kagome held a tone of finality to her friend's suggestion, letting her know there was no room for compromise. While she was, no doubt, the better fighter of the two, it was more important that Sango was kept safe. "You have three babies here, and they need you. Their mother. I'll be back, don't worry." She gave her friend's hand a firm squeeze before peeling out of Sango's hold. "And I'll have our husbands in tow."
Sango watched the priestess hastily pick up her weapons and strap them over her shoulder with wide eyes. Her friend's bravery still surprised her at times. It was nothing she was unfamiliar with, of course. All that time spent traveling and fighting demons, monsters, and sometimes even humans showed Sango just how bold the girl from the future was. Kagome gave Sango one last look and she nodded an affirmation towards her close friend as she slid the door shut behind her, the cool air of the night that blew through brushing against her clammy skin.
This could all be in her head. Kagome was more than willing to admit that this wouldn't be the first time her imagination has gotten the better of her during tense situations, but she couldn't just sit around and wait to see if she was wrong. The longer she waited, the more danger Inuyasha could be in.
Picking up speed, her jog turned into a run. She'd been to the village they'd gone to save before, accompanying Kaede on more that one trip during the recent, bitter winter to aid the sick. She remembered the way, and it was at least a two hour walk, but she could cut that down some if she ran.
The angry feeling in the pit of her stomach seeded deeper and grew worse, churning her insides with an overwhelming amount of anxiety. As much as she wanted to stop running, to double over from the unsettling nausea and puke, she couldn't. She wouldn't allow herself to yet. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. The chanting wouldn't stop in her head, repeating the words over and over no matter how hard she tried to reassure herself that this was Inuyasha, for goodness sake! She'd seen him take on Tokajin in his human form, fall from a cliff, and live! He may be rash, but he's smart. He knows how to survive.
Kagome's breathing was jagged, lungs burning from each inhale of the crisp night air that dragged through her wind pipes. Kagome braced herself against the closest tree, trying to steady her muscles as her legs shook beneath her, her hair sticking to her slick and sweaty forehead and cheeks. Her run had become a sprint as she began to sense a menacing demonic aura nearby. It was even stronger from where she stood now, not far ahead. She could hear a few panicked villagers off in the distance, letting her know that her hunch wasn't wrong; the fight never ended.
Her sides cramped as she went to take a step away from the tree, her body begging her to rest a bit longer. Then she heard it. The heart-shattering, chill-inducing scream that caused everything inside and around Kagome to stop while painfully twisting at every organ within her abdomen.
Inuyasha.
She stood there a moment as the gears in her brain slowly began working again, her lungs remembering how to inhale and exhale, her muscles regaining movement, the blood once again coursing through her veins with an extra dousing of something hot. Fire, maybe. No, hotter. Lava.
It seared through her body so quickly, her subconscious walk towards the blood curdling scream that had long ended but still rang in her ears shifted and she was suddenly racing forward. The adrenaline silenced her body's plead for rest with the overwhelming need to make sure her husband was safe. Alive.
"INUYASHA!"
Shit. Shit. Shit. This was bad. This was really fucking bad. Inuyasha crawled his way to a half seated position, the hot blood that leaked from the wound in his waist oozing over his calloused fingers as he applied painful pressure to it.
Tetsusaiga was useless. Miroku's pretty messed up, so he's useless. And Inuyasha was human. He was as useless as they get.
"You taste disgusting. Just as I'd imagine a puny dog would taste like." The demon remarked with his boisterous voice, spitting Inuyasha's blood off to the side.
"Yeah, well that's what ya get for biting me, asshole!" He winced as he yelled, clutching his side harder.
"Inu- yasha... Try- not to- anta- gonize it- please." Miroku's words came out with each short, shaky breath. He was bleeding from his temple and the arm his wind tunnel used to plague, and he'd lost quite a bit of blood already.
"He bit me, Miroku." Inuyasha responded, still in disbelief that it had happened to begin with. He'd come across many breeds of demons before, some more animalistic than others. But not a single one of those deliberately attempted to take a chunk out of him as a midnight snack. Luckily, the thing found him gross and pulled away before actually taking a piece of Inuyasha with him, and while he'd normally be offended by being told he tasted disgusting, he'd take his wins any way he could get them tonight.
Still, the bite inflicted a good amount of damage and Inuyasha was losing blood now. A lot of it. Not to mention, the demon's claws had gotten him pretty good on both his right leg and left arm.
This was really fucking bad and he still had several hours until sunrise.
Inuyasha's vision was beginning to blur as he tried to sit up more, his head growing light and limbs trembling. Fuck this human body. Fuck the night of the new moon!
"Since I'd rather not make a half breed like you a meal, especially while you're in such pitiful form, I'll just kill you for sport and eat your friend as a tasty, little snack after."
"Keh. And you called me disgusting." Inuyasha rolled his dark eyes, peeling his aching body from the ground, fighting against the unsteadiness of his muscles and standing up. "You'd eat that guy as a snack? I've spoken to his wife and she definitely wouldn't call him a treat."
"Inuyasha! What good does taunting him do?" Miroku grimaced, coming to stand beside him and gripping his injured arm.
"Time management?" He asked more than stated, a small shrug coming from his shoulders. He didn't quite know what his plan was. In fact, he'd hoped that if everyone kept talking, he'd be able to figure something out. But time was as limited as options.
"Do you plan on telling jokes until sunrise? We'll both bleed out by then. We need to get to safety." Miroku was talking under his breath, but it was clear how serious he was.
"You run if you like, monk, but I ain't going anywhere! You know I can take it! I'm built differently than you!" Inuyasha scoffed, tossing his ebony hair back and off his shoulder as he gave Miroku a deadly look then directed it back towards the demon.
"I hate to break it to you, my friend, but all those other times you survived were pure luck. You know as well as I that tonight you're no different from me."
The fluid leaking from his waist and causing his robes to stick to his sensitive wound was proof enough that the monk was right about him not being so different. But he was wrong about luck. Inuyasha and luck didn't mix too well. Hell, if he was lucky, he wouldn't be running into trouble on the one night of the month where he didn't have his demonic powers. Or in his case tonight, willingly running towards the trouble like a dumbass. Still, he survived all those previous battles because he kept fighting. Which was exactly what he planned to do tonight.
"Are you finished?" the creature growled, all evidence of amusement vanishing suddenly, his lips curling back to bear his fangs in a fearsome snarl. "You two interrupted my meal earlier, let my women escape, and I've grown hungry. The villagers weren't smart enough to leave the village while they could, and I can smell a delicious human snooping around nearby. It's time for this to end so that I may feast." He licked his lips, remnants of the blood from the man he was eating earlier still staining his face.
This was a bad time for Inuyasha's legs to threaten to give in. The demon was digging its claws into the dirt, the front of him dipping down as his rear raised up in what he could only guess was preparation to pounce, and as soon as he was airborne Inuyasha was going to have to get the hell out of there. His legs were just going to have to hang on for a little while longer.
Actually, a lot longer.
Inuyasha and Miroku dove in opposite directions to avoid the giant cat, Inuyasha rolling a couple more times as the demon swiped his way, groaning loudly in pain as rocks in the dirt collided with his wounds.
A flash of purple light caught his attention is it flew passed his face and landed just at the creature's paws, the demon barely jumping back in time and coming to a halt. The purple glow faded away slowly, revealing an arrow. A sacred arrow.
What? Inuyasha sat up quickly, ignoring the blinding pain from his movement and whipped his head in the direction the arrow came from to see Kagome standing at the edge of the trees, another arrow already lined up with her bow and aimed directly at the offending demon. Her brow was furrowed together, lips curled downward in a tight frown as she held her tense position, cheeks pink and glowing with sweat.
If looks could kill...
"Don't think my aim was off!" Kagome shouted, pulling her arrow back an inch further. "I wanted your attention!”
"A woman coming to me? Well, that's a first. Usually I have to chase them down, but I'll admit, it's nice to be chased for once." The cat snickered, lips curling up in a menacing smile.
Kagome angled her bow slightly downward and released the arrow, the arrowhead slicing through the skin of his front leg causing the demon to roar and jump back again, his dark red blood staining his dirty, golden fur.
"Shut up!" Kagome demanded, snagging another arrow from her quiver and lining it up perfectly to aim at him.
Her demand rang so clearly that even Inuyasha's hanging jaw snapped shut, eyes wide from her ferocious demeanor. He'd never seen her like this before. Not even in their worst battles they'd fought together did she direct such a fearsome scowl towards their enemies, let alone make them bleed to show how serious she was.
Kagome looked the demon up and down. Yellow fur covered it from head to toe, a bushy, sandy colored mane with darker tips adorning his head and neck. Rounded ears poked out of the top of his head as Inuyasha's did on any other night, and several cuts littered his body from what she could only guess was his ongoing fight with the two men.
A lion? Well this was a first. She couldn't say she was altogether surprised at the new encounter, nor was she particularly eager to be taking on what was known as the king of the jungle in her day and age, but none of that mattered right now. She was here and she'd already challenged him, a weird sense of blind fury numbing her fear. There was absolutely no way she was about to back down now.
"You'll pay for that, bitch!" He growled, lips peeling back to reveal his large set of sharp teeth and his muzzle wrinkling viciously into a snarl. "I'll kill you!"
"Not if I kill you first." Kagome muttered to only herself, watching as the lion poised itself to launch in her direction, pulling her arrow back until the string of the bow was as taut as possible.
"Kagome, get the hell out of here!" Her husband bellowed, trying to stand but quickly falling back to his hands and knees.
She waited another moment, watched as the demon's front legs lowered and his hind legs kicked at the ground sending him speeding in her direction, waited another very, very short moment, then released her arrow. The sacred aura surrounded the sharp weapon from head to tail and as it impaled the left side of the chest of her enemy, the force and power sent him flying backwards, smacking against the ground near Miroku's feet, and twitching slightly from the purification.
"Miroku, hurry!" She shouted, sprinting over to Inuyasha to assess the damage his human form had taken.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
She ignored him and continued looking him over while their enemy was down, noticing the blood that came from a shoulder wound, disappeared underneath his robe of the fire rat, and reappeared at his hands, dripping down the tips of his fingers. His dark grey eyes bore into her waiting for some sort of response, but she didn't care. Now was definitely not the time to catch up with one another. Especially not when she noticed the tear in the side of his robe and the amount of crimson liquid that put the color of his clothing to shame.
The monk quickly joined at Kagome's side looking exhausted and battered, covered in dirt and blood of his own.
"Do you think you can get him out of here, Miroku? The villagers are hiding not too far off, I saw them on my way over. Get them to help you guys." She could hear the lion demon stirring, no doubt itching to rise and attack again.
"You're an idiot if you think I'm leaving you here to fight that bastard alone!"
"And you're an idiot if you think you can help me!" Kagome snapped, gesturing to his current state.
"No, Kagome! Out of the question! I'm not leaving you!"
"Uh, guys..." Miroku was staring at the risen demon, the beast emitting a deep growl as it hurled its body over towards the three. Miroku quickly snagged Inuyasha out of the way, a pained yelp coming from the half-demon as they rolled, and Kagome leapt in the opposite direction, curling her body and landing in a kneel. She snatched an arrow from the quiver once more and positioned it quickly, launching it into his shoulder.
He roared again as her purification powers shot into his system, his muscles suddenly trembling under his weight but then quickly steadying. If it were possible, she swore his snarl grew more vicious and his anger spiked. She could feel his demonic power surging, growing stronger when it should have been growing weaker with the arrows she'd shot at him.
That's not good.
His red eyes slowly peeled up from the ground and found her, searing into her own, a rush of fear racing through her.
"Lady Kagome, you must get out of there!" Miroku shouted, but it was too late.
The lion demon raced at her and she only had enough time to merely drop her bow and shield herself with her left arm. He snatched her forearm within his teeth, the white, scorching pain bringing a deafening scream out of Kagome. He bit down a little harder, another scream burning at her throat, hot liquid spilling from her flesh and in between his teeth. The jungle cat stepped forward bringing the priestess fully to her knees, and with another step she was inching backwards, trying desperately to follow his lead to avoid further pain. And then he was on top of her, arm still in his mouth, his snarl still just as vicious as her blood dripped down onto her chest.
"Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled, kicking and fighting to get out of Miroku's hold. His body grew hot, heart pounding erratically in his chest as a number of emotions punched the air from his lungs. "No! Let go of me, Miroku! Kagome, no! I'm coming! Hang on! LET GO OF ME!"
"You would only make things worse, Inuyasha! She can handle this!" The monk scolded, his grip on the half-demon-turned-human only wavering slightly from the sting of his own wound in his arm. "You have to trust her! You're too hurt to fight!"
Kagome fought the urge to attempt to pry away his teeth from her forearm and instead shot her free hand behind her to snatch an arrow, unable to stop the small whimpering sounds that escaped her lips as any sort of movement sent electric waves directly to the limb currently stuck in the lion's jaw. More hot blood poured down onto her chest and neck, following gravity's lead and trickling down around the curve of her collar bone and throat. Just as his tongue lapped at her arm from behind his teeth she positioned the arrow in her fingers, clutched it tight, and with a powerful yell she stabbed it into the side of his neck.
Kagome was terrified that the demon's reaction would be to bite down even harder, potentially snapping her arm, but luckily he roared monstrously and she was freed. Quickly she peeled herself out from under him, scurrying backwards until she'd put a few feet of distance between them, clutching at her wound while desperately avoiding the sight of it. She knew the moment she paid mind to it was the moment she'd crumble from the pain.
The lion still stood, three arrows now sticking out from his body. She imagined he couldn't speak if he wanted to with the arrow lodged in his throat, but he was still strong enough to stand which made her fear that he was probably still strong enough to fight. She eyed her bow behind him, knowing her chances of retrieving it were slim to none from her position, and she'd really like to avoid tempting him into taking another part of her body between his teeth.
Kagome noticed Inuyasha in the distance. He was pale and drained, still squirming in their friend's hold to be free but too weak to put up an actual fight. Even from where she stood, she could see his black hair matted with a mixture of dirt and blood, sticking to the sides of his cheeks and neck. His dark eyes were half-lidded as he fought in Miroku's arms, cursing and calling out to her.
An overwhelming amount of rage shot through Kagome at the sight of her critically wounded husband, clouding her mind, and without thinking she leapt forward, her fist colliding with the beasts face once, twice, and the third time with enough force to send it stumbling backwards, tripping over its own feet and landing on the ground.
Everything stopped. It was quiet. Inuyasha wasn't fighting anymore and Miroku was hardly hanging on to him. The lion demon's breathing had slowed tremendously, Kagome feeling her powers of purification finally beginning to subdue the creature little-by-little. She was able to grab her bow before he was on his feet again, a searing pain shooting through her arm as she gripped the weapon and pulled one of her remaining arrows taut in the string. A low rumble came from the lion, the sound hardly noticeable but there nonetheless, as he rose once more with his head hung weakly.
"One more of these and you're done." Kagome warned as he took a few, slow steps toward her.
As if to irritate her, he chuckled. It was pained and hushed, but he kept laughing all the while taking one more step forward. "You couldn't kill me if you tried."
"Maybe you're right." Kagome agreed, lowering her bow in front of her, her shaking forearm finding alleviation as she loosened her hold. "Maybe I'm wasting my arrows. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm stronger than you're too proud to believe. Maybe one of us dies here tonight, or maybe you leave and I spare your life."
His thick brow furrowed together, a deep growl coming from the pit of his stomach and vibrating even her own core. Kagome returned his challenging stare, brown eyes colliding with red.
"Leave?" His pained voice queried, half laughing.
"Leave." Kagome answered flatly.
He squinted his eyes into a menacing glare, his snout wrinkling as his blood-stained lips twitched upward to reveal just the sharp tips of his fangs, his ruthless claws digging into the earth. Unwavering, Kagome stood up taller dropping the arrow from her fingers and letting it bounce against the ground before stilling, understanding that she'd have to give in before his pride allowed him to. "Leave." She repeated, her tone coming off as more of an order than the last confirmation she'd given.
His demeanor changed, suddenly. The fierce scowl he'd given her softened, muscles relaxing and jaw unclenching. With a huff from his nose and a shake of his thick mane, he abruptly turned around and began walking towards the dense edge of the forest. Pressing a heavy sigh from her lungs, Kagome dropped her shoulders, the tension that kept her body tight and focused beginning to leave her body as her muscles became shaky, fingers twitching along her bow.
"Kagome," she heard the low, weak moan, quickly snapping both hers and the lion's attention over to the two injured men.
"No," she pleaded, sensing the immediate danger as the beast emitted another rumble in their direction. She should have known the lion's surrender was too easy. She shouldn't have ignored the gut-wrenching feeling that screamed at her for lowering her weapons.
"No." She was a little louder, a little more desperate that time as she watched his path quickly change, watched the intention in his bright red eyes spark and his speed begin to pick up, Miroku and Inuyasha fumbling over their spent, damaged bodies to try and stand. That same, bubbling, excruciatingly hot blood that fueled her before returned with a fury as she pulled her last remaining arrow out of the quiver by its feathers, positioned the items to point directly ahead of the beast's path, pulling the tail back to align with her cheek and line of sight.
"NO!" She screamed, releasing her hold as the monster leapt towards the men, his jaw opened wide, powerful teeth bared.
A flash of purple light blinded them all as Kagome crumpled under her own weight, her energy drastically depleted from the amount of power she'd just used, falling to her hands and knees as she watched the arrow pierce the demon's rib cage and send him flying away from his prey. The silence was nearly unbearable, neither of the three breathing until the rise and fall of the fallen lion's chest finally ceased completely, his demonic aura dissipating into the crisp night air.
"Inuyasha." Kagome muttered under her breath, as if to bring herself back to the present. Back to the entire reason she'd come this far in the first place. "Inuyasha!"
The priestess forced herself up and ran over to the two black-haired men, skidding onto her knees as she reached Inuyasha's side. He was barely able to hold himself up in a sitting position anymore, leaning back onto one elbow as his other hand pressed firmly against the bite wound in his side. His face had paled considerably since the last time she'd noted, breaths coming in shallow and weak. His eyebrows were furrowed together and she could tell that if he just had an ounce more of strength he'd be chewing her out for putting herself in so much danger for their sake.
Miroku looked around them, peering into the dark forest trees and the wrecked buildings and huts that surrounded them as Kagome urged her husband to lay back and took over applying pressure to his still-bleeding wound repeating over and over you'll be okay, you'll be okay even if it was only to convince herself. "Please!" Miroku shouted, "If any villagers remain, we need help!"
Kagome bit back the sob that swelled in her throat, tears stinging at her eyes as they burned a trail down her cheeks. She heard the distant sound of rustling grow louder and closer as several people emerged from the darkness, but couldn't bring herself to look away from her hanyou's half-lidded, vacant eyes. His mouth had opened to say something as he lifted a hand to brush his thumb across her cheek, wiping away a stray tear, but nothing came out. Kagome, herself, was only capable of repeating you'll be okay, you're alright, I promise, you'll be okay, everything's okay now over and over and over until his eyes closed and heavy, forceful hands peeled her away from his battered body.
-----------
He felt heavy. Achy. Like he'd been laying in one position for far too long and his muscles were punishing him for the laziness. Even opening his eyes felt like a chore as he repeatedly blinked away the sleep until his golden eyes were able to focus on the familiar ceiling above him, sturdy beams crossing into a high arch. The blankets were pulled up to his shoulders yet he could still slightly feel the chill of the early morning drafting through his home.
Wait... Home?
He slowly pulled himself into a seated position, hissing all the while from the dull pain in his side. His nose registered the lingering scents around him. Miroku and Sango had been here, though Kaede's scent was stronger in the air indicating that she had just recently left. He took a deep inhale of the most important scent of them all, the incredibly sweet aroma of Kagome calming every confused nerve in his body.
Kagome.
His ear flicked as a sleepy sigh came from behind him, turning his head to see his wife had fallen asleep sitting against the wall next to where his head once was. His mind began racing, remembering the events that had taken place before he'd lost consciousness. The new moon, the beast, and his wife showing up out of fucking nowhere. That explained the pain in his side. He must have been really messed up if it didn't heal at least almost completely when he transformed back into a half demon.
His eyes looked her body up and down. Her legs were curled next to her, her back slouched slightly and her head resting half on the wall, half on her own shoulder. She was wearing clean robes now, wincing as he recalled her chest and neck splattered in her own blood. Inuyasha growled and clenched his fists at the memory, his claws biting into the palms of his hands. Her sleeve was pulled upward revealing her left forearm bandaged from elbow to wrist. It instantly ignited a fire in the pit of Inuyasha's core, remembering the sight of that wretched demon taking a bite out of his woman. His eyes flicked over to her right hand, her fingers resting on her lap and her knuckles a soft shade of red and purple, causing him to grimace. No, this shouldn't have happened to her.
While his basic instincts knew she must have stayed up all night taking care of him and she was exhausted and needed the rest, his demon instincts that needed answers and needed her to know just how much of an idiot she was overpowered them. He crawled off the futon, cursing under his breath at the damn pain in his waist, kneeling just in front of Kagome. He wanted to shake her awake, but the feeling disappeared just as quickly as it arose and he couldn't bring himself to be even close to that cruel to his wife no matter how angry he was. His calloused thumb grazed her soft cheek, momentarily grateful that nothing had happened to blemish her beautiful face.
"Hey," he whispered, easing her out of sleep, still slowly moving his finger back and fourth over her cheek. "Wake up, Kagome."
She blinked open her eyes at the feeling of heat against her face, a low and deep voice bringing her attention away from her dream and back to her chilly hut. It was morning. How long had she been asleep? Couldn't have been long. The soothing hand now began brushing her raven strands out of her face and behind her ear and then combing through the length of her hair with his fingers.
"Inuyasha?" Her voice was small and gentle from sleep, smiling gently as he continued stroking her hair. Her half demon was finally up, his clean, silver hair falling over his bare shoulders. She sat up straight, pushing him back a little to see that the bandages wrapped around his torso were still clean and his wound hadn't reopened, sighing back into a slight slouch from the relief that it was finally closing. "Thank goodness."
"How long- wait, no, how did-”
"You’ve been out for about two days now. The villagers could only help us out so much. They had injured of their own to tend to and homes to rebuild, so they helped me get you and Miroku back here yesterday. How are you feeling?" She asked, reaching forward and trailing her fingers around the curve of his shoulder where a nasty cut had been just before he transformed back.
"Me!? Kagome, how are you feeling?" Inuyasha pressed, snatching her injured arm up in his hands, immediately regretting the unnecessary force he'd just used.
She tried to hide her wince, a small gasp escaping her lips. "I'm okay, Inuyasha. Really."
"He bit you, Kagome!" He argued, gently raising her arm a little higher as if to remind her just why it was bandaged. Did nobody see a problem with being bitten anymore?
"He bit you too!" She took her arm back and gestured towards his own bandages.
"I'm a half demon, remember? I can take it!"
"Are you kidding me?" Kagome could feel something bubbling up inside of her. She couldn't tell if it was anger or exasperation or anxiety or sadness or whatever other emotion that could possible arise at the moment, but it was beginning to boil over and she could feel the heat settle into her cheeks. "You weren't a half demon when you were bitten! You know better than I that you need to be careful during one night of the month! One night! Your regenerative powers won't work in your favor if you don't survive as a human!" She flailed her arms as she yelled, tears stinging at her eyes and spilling over.
"Keh. I'm fine. Why did you come? You know what I do for a living! It's dangerous, Kagome!"
"You promised to be home before sundown!"
"That doesn't mean come after me if I'm not!"
"So I'm supposed to just sit around and wait!?"
"That's exactly what you're supposed to do!"
"You could have died, Inuyasha!"
"I wouldn't have died." Inuyasha scoffed, rolling his golden eyes and crossing his arms over his bare chest.
"You could have died!" Kagome cried, hastily trying and failing to wipe the tears that fell with her sleeves as more and more spilled from her eyes. She shut them tight, hoping that would close the gates, but she just couldn't stop. "If you had kept fighting, or if I had been any later, or if I wasn't able to shoot in time when the demon jumped at you because I lowered my damn defenses!" She hit her fist against the floor, the emphasis on her curse shocking Inuyasha even further.
Inuyasha felt himself soften immediately, her salty tears burning his nose as he felt himself slouch his shoulders in defeat. He couldn't stand seeing Kagome this way. She is the light of his life, and the sobs she let out in between a few words had his heart crumbling away. His fingers slowly wrapped around her small fist that was braced against the floor, bringing it into his lap as he attempted to gently rub out the sting she must have felt from punching the wood. His fingers brushed against her bruised knuckles and he gave in to the urgent need to hold Kagome to his chest. He scooted himself forward, brought his legs to cross in front of him, then gave the hand he held a good tug in his direction that she didn't resist to follow.
He adjusted her in his lap, her legs draped over one of his while she buried her tear stained face into the crook of his neck. He let Kagome cry for as long as she needed to, holding her as firmly as he could without crushing her and pushing up her pants so he could graze his fingertips against the soft skin of her legs. Finally, he felt her relax and the salty scent began to fade away, her trembling body stilling against his hard, steady one.
"I'm sorry, Kagome. You're right. Shit could have gone south, and it's because of you that I'm alive. You fought so well and I'm so damn proud of you, baby." He was subconsciously swaying her back and forth, the curve of her body fitting so perfectly into his. "I'm not gonna lie, even I was afraid of you."
She giggled and it was music to his ears. She pulled back to look at him, wiping away the remaining evidence of her breakdown with her sleeves again then shook her head.
"No, I- I put my guard down too soon. He was so close to getting you at the end."
"But you stopped him. That's what matters." Inuyasha replied, bringing her bruised hand up to his lips and brushing a kiss against each injured knuckle.
Kagome smiled, her heart giving a small flutter as he soothed her worries away. He was right. What mattered in the end was she managed to kill the demon and save her husband. She was sitting in his lap, relishing in his body heat and the small kisses he was now placing along her bandaged forearm, starting from her outer arm, making his way inwards, and ending at her inner wrist making sure to place a few extra tender kisses along the barely exposed, delicate skin. Him knowing full and well that it was a sensitive area that she loved to have touched, and her knowing full and well that she wouldn't be able to enjoy this wonderful moment if she hadn't have pulled through in the nick of time.
"Oh and by the way," Inuyasha began, letting his fingers wander down her legs and underneath her hakama once again. "I wasn't kidding when I said you scared the shit out of me. Could you let me know if I ever piss you off that bad so I can get the hell out of firing range?"
Kagome shot him a questioning look, cocking an eyebrow up at him. "What are you talking about?" The hanyou brought her bruised knuckles into her line of sight, a dumbfounded expression on his face.
"You punched a demon in the face, Kagome." He explained, a look of shock causing his eyes to go wide as he remembered her throwing each powerful punch, realizing that maybe he was rubbing off on her in all the wrong ways. "I'm not looking to be on the other end of that!"
Kagome gave a small smile and giggled again. "Oh," she started, climbing out of Inuyasha's lap to stand, pulling herself into a long stretch then sighing and gently rubbing one of her husband's ears.
"We'll see." She teased, walking away to get breakfast started for her hanyou.
"I'm serious, Kagome!" He shouted after her, worry causing his brow to furrow. She replied with a simple, happy hum as she exited their hut for ingredients. Inuyasha sighed heavily, rolling his eyes and standing slowly to make sure not to further aggravate his side.
"We aren't done here!" He yelled, following her out to their yard. He heard her melodic giggle from the side of their home, turning to see her peeking around the corner.
"You mean the big, bad half demon isn't actually afraid of me and my fists of fury?" She played, walking over to him and pretending to throw a punch, pushing his cheek with a soft fist.
"Shut up." Inuyasha droned, rolling his amber eyes and grasping the offending wrist. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest, heat burning along his cheeks. "Listen, I don't like that you put yourself in so much danger. Please, just trust me to come back to you okay? I will always come back to you."
"And I will always come after you." She replied, wrapping her arms around his neck, her fingers threading in the long strands at his nape and standing on the tips of her toes to place a small kiss against his lips. "You don't have to like it, but that's how we work. That's how we've always worked, Inuyasha."
He shook his head and made an aggravated noise under his breath, but instead of countering her with another argument that she no doubt expected, he pressed his lips firmly against her own, gripping her waist tight in an attempt to pull her even closer. "Yeah, yeah. I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.” He sighed, bending down and passionately kissing his wife again, swallowing her giggle and drinking her in.
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onefunnelaway8-blog · 5 years
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One funnel away
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After becoming a member of the funnel schooling obstacle, here is what you get. This is often 1 on the finest areas of this teaching sequence. Remaining to me, these are the points that established this obstacle aside from 100s of other troubles on the market.
On register, Russell would ship these to your doorstep. He calls it the One-Funnel Away Challenge Kit.
one. The 30-Days 550-Page Hardcover-Book: Prior to this education obstacle, Russell asked about 30 of his ClickFunnels prospects who may have gained around a hundreds of thousands pounds in profits (from their ClickFunnels profits funnels) how they might start off if they ended up to start again from scratch. No targeted traffic, no e-mail record, no impact, no popularity, just their promoting working experience. They’re actually rookies setting up from almost nothing in addition to their wide marketing expertise.
These funnel specialists laid down their finest procedures and the way they might put into practice them in 30 times whenever they had been to start out over again. They laid down everything they would do from day 1 to working day thirty. Each of your thirty authorities he emailed replied having a 30 day assault approach.
They spelled out anything perfectly, even a complete beginner would have an understanding of.
Every one of these expertise was compiled to the The 30 Times 550 Web site Hardcover E-book for you. If we've been been straightforward, this alone is value over the $100 you shell out to join the 1 Funnel Away Obstacle. Think $97!
2. A Actual physical Copy from the One-Funnel Absent Obstacle Workbook: Most on the web issues nowadays give on-line workbooks. Most barely or hardly ever even supply any bodily point to assist people for the duration of the obstacle.
Most instances, you might be sent the duplicate of your worksheet or workbook by using e mail then you definitely print it if you want. Russell does it distinctive!
When you sign up for the Just one Funnel Away Challenge, you have a free of charge 30 Days 550 Web page Hardcover e book delivered to the residence deal with that can help keep you up together with the each day responsibilities and assignment.
This training problem workbook arrives having a checklist of various day-to-day duties that you choose to need to finish everyday, in excess of plenty of writing and jotting room for putting down important factors and ideas you could get during the system in the problem, each day video coaching one-way links and some other resourceful inbound links which might be beneficial.
3. An Mp3 Participant with One-Funnel Absent Obstacle Live Recordings: A further awesome point you get in the One Funnel Absent Challenge kit can be an mp3 participant with dwell recordings from the stay periods from the past A single Funnel Absent Obstacle.
By way of example, when you register for the coming One Funnel Away Obstacle, you obtain a little mp3 player with the initial Just one Funnel Away Challenge recordings. This is certainly valued at $247.00!
Using this type of machine, you may pay attention to those education periods with your automobile, on the fitness center, if you are traveling or even in your bed prior to deciding to rest. This helps make the training less difficult to observe especially for the people functioning nine to five work opportunities. Basically, you may effortlessly multi-task and hear to classes speedier.
Entirely, you get about 50 instruction lesson recordings and about forty (40) several hours of training lessons.
four. 30 Days of Video-Missions from Russell Brunson: This is essentially the foremost material or price you will get from signing up for the One particular Funnel Absent Obstacle. Upon registering, you'll get a full 30 working day online video missions from Russell himself. These are definitely lessons and guides which will get you because of the hand and enable you to commence and create your first or upcoming profits funnel in 30 days.
If you have tried to start off an internet based business then you would know the way difficult it may be to start out a company, make the right merchandise as well as get men and women to truly invest in. It will take an entire whole lot of your time and strength.
A sales funnel can be a sequence of levels that a business designs which a customer (or possible purchaser) passes by means of to become a shopper. For instance, when a visitor lands on the squeeze web site (or landing site), he or she is then available an incentive to sign up to you e-mail lists exactly where they get tailor-made email content material qualified to having them acquire your merchandise.
The recently subscribed visitor will get specific e-mail articles that concentrates on setting up trust and romance wanted in advance of even promoting any product or solutions. The gross sales funnel program is there for just a pretty long time even ahead of the online market place was born.
Building a product sales funnel for your personal on line enterprise is often authentic difficulty specially when you really do not know where by to start. The trouble of creating individual landing pages, purchase webpages, thank you webpages, up-sell internet pages then connecting them all alongside one another is usually overwhelming. Most situations, entrepreneurs and business people end up supplying up.
Here is the detail;
Without the need of a web based profits funnel for your on the web business enterprise, you are able to not actually create a stable, passive income. You would probably not have the capacity to develop an internet based company that replaces your 9 to 5 task or give you the freedom you need. The reality about most on-line organization proprietors is that they wish to establish a steady regular profits without the need to trade all their time for it. Some on the web company homeowners come up with a good chunk of cash but are usually not truly pleased or free of charge because they trade their time for cash.
A revenue funnel is exactly what can clear up this problem. It requires out the trouble of having to trade your time and effort for dollars and genuinely create a passive revenue stream without having to strain by yourself.
Russell comprehended this and made a decision to start his corporation, ClickFunnels. A Saas business that helps small business proprietors sell extra without the need to trade time. Generally, it helps you create marketing revenue funnels from the simplest strategies possible. This tool has actually been proven to generally be the best revenue funnel creator in the world as entrepreneurs have used it to build sales funnels that have produced a lot of dollars each day.
In reality, 1 of Russell’s funnels crank out a minimum of $500,000 each individual thirty day period.
This idea at the rear of the Just one Funnel Away Obstacle is just to indicate small business homeowners that ClickFunnels can really enable them to grow their firms to the things they dream of it. With ClickFunnels, you may create a company and escape the 9 to 5 occupation trouble for good.
Russell’s movie lessons educate you ways to get started on from very little and establish a funnel that may mature your organization exponentially. These movie lessons will manual you through the methods you require to just take to go from $0 to 1000s of pounds in gross sales applying only one product sales funnel.
These classes tend not to only educate you but in addition provide you with just how you can do it in just 30 days. Pretty terrific is not it? You furthermore mght find out how ClickFunnels functions and the way for getting started off making use of the software.
5. 30 Days of Coaching from Stephen Larsen and Julie Stoian: For each and every on the internet instruction session marketers be part of, you can find generally a necessity for coaching sessions where by students get to talk to personalized thoughts and acquire responses from knowledgeable men and women. The One Funnel Absent Challenge is no distinct.
Russell has picked two (2) income funnel industry experts, Stephen Larsen and Julie Stoian for this. I really had Julie Stoian on my podcast not long ago and she shared an awesome strategy on ways to essentially provide your courses before you even develop them.
Pupils reach check with queries and get them answered by knowledgeable gurus. This fashion, studying is less complicated and overwhelm is minimized.
Here's the tutor breakdown;
Russell Brunson would be the mastermind powering the Just one Funnel Absent Problem and also the strategist. Russell will tutor you with day-to-day teaching videos that will help you create the right product sales funnel in your on the internet company. He'll put down the main groundwork there is to developing a product sales funnel, the basic principles of getting going and the way to scale your funnels.
Julie Stoian could be the transformer and would enable you to switch your thirty working day thoughts into a actual funnel that is constructed. Mainly, she’s an authority at turning mere small business thoughts from your desire stage into truth that really generates money. Aspect take note: I did have Julie Stoian as a visitor on my podcast and he or she practically rocked it.
Ultimately, Stephen Larsen could be the executioner and will mentor you day by day on stay group calls. Primarily, he receives all your questions answered and in addition offers an additional hand to those people who may possibly will need it.
Stephen is just one which makes certain learners execute their duties, assignments and actually establish their gross sales funnels.
THE Program BREAKDOWN:
Here’s a simple breakdown overview on the training course classes you get any time you sign-up and join the One particular Funnel Absent Obstacle.
7 days one: Pre-Training (State of mind)
Week 2: The Hook, Tale along with the Offer
Week 3: Create the Funnel
7 days 4: Targeted visitors and Efficient Advertising
Week 1: THE Frame of mind
The main week on the One Funnel Away Challenge mainly concentrates on having your mindset suitable. Before you decide to can actually make a internet marketing product sales funnel that could adjust your lifetime, you will need to have your frame of mind proper very first. While using the completely wrong mentality, there exists practically very little 1 can perform to achieve his goals and aims in everyday life.
Russell helps you correct your belief, obtain your way of thinking proper, discover your worst fears plus your strengths. The only strategy to escape from that 9 to five occupation will be to get all these suitable.
Think of it for a pre-training attitude that is definitely intended to acquire you suitable with the big deal. To get ready you for that big offer, Russell focuses on igniting some thing in you. He focuses on inspiring you and acquire the flames burning to have the ability to conquer whatever task or problem you could experience from the future thirty times.
These mainly assist you learn and believe in you in addition to have confidence in that you can achieve anything you established to to obtain. Can it be escaping the nine to 5 headache? This concentrates on acquiring you the mindset needed to strike this focus on within the following 30 times.
7 days 2: THE HOOK, Tale plus the Provide
To get a organization to really get folks to pay you in your products and solutions or providers you may need the hook, story and state of mind. This is often what sets your online business aside and truly receives individuals to have confidence in your merchandise or solutions.
There's a favorite stating that men and women buy the tale not the attributes. This part of the A single Funnel Away Challenge concentrates on location you up for this.
The hook is just that which you publish, say or communicate in your concentrate on audience to acquire them really psyched or pumped up regarding your company and also your solutions (or providers). The hook is always the main step within your income copy concept. It is actually a method that not just company homeowners leverage but in addition speakers, trainers or instructors.
The tale would be the meaty part of the duplicate. You require to find a novel and fascinating tale that appeals specially on your goal viewers or potential consumer. Russell Brunson is learn at this as every of his tale receives me.
His stories are often on point plus they usually capture and captivate his audience which gets them over excited to obtain his solutions or be part of his applications. Russell is often a learn at this!
At last, the Give is the place you truly current your products or services. The supply is what men and women pay for.
The supply is your item (or solutions) plus your products really should address a selected issue that your target viewers faces. Discover a unique angle that the competitiveness is lacking out and hit your goal viewers with it. The supply is totally useless and not using a great hook along with a charming story.
Like I discussed, Russell is really a learn at this and will stroll you thru ways to turn into a professional at it far too.
7 days three: Build THE FUNNEL
This module demonstrates you accurately ways to start off and develop your precise funnel. At this time, you bring out your thought into actuality. You deliver it out into an precise funnel that could begin making revenue instantly.
This module exhibits you the way ClickFunnels is effective and accurately how to get began utilizing the software.
Russell exhibits you around the shoulder video clips from the ClickFunnels software program and that means you can practically see how you can make squeeze pages, landing internet pages, thank you webpages as well as your upsell webpages easily. The ClickFunnels computer software was constructed for simplicity and relieve not simply for that business enterprise house owners and also the shoppers.
ClickFunnels aims at earning your consumer at ease and his obtaining encounter pleasurable and straightforward. In this way, your shoppers would often need to come back for additional.
With this particular software program application, company proprietors could setup substantial converting product sales funnels for their products and services inside of couple of minutes. In actual fact, I have viewed one of Russell’s video clips wherever two persons constructed a complete income funnel making use of the ClickFunnels in below an hour.
The A single Funnel Away Obstacle reveals you the way it is possible to do that in your enterprise far too.
Week 4: Traffic AND Successful Advertising
To put it simply, with no visitors and powerful marketing, every advertising and marketing profits funnel is ineffective in spite of how wonderful it is. Marketing and traffic would be the fuel of each gross sales funnel, squeeze or landing website page. Just about every on line enterprise needs ample traffic to endure, thrive and become in a position to grow.
There may be no business enterprise devoid of folks coming to it. Without visitors not one person would know your goods exists not to converse of purchasing them.
With this chapter, Russell concentrates on showing the top traffic technology procedures you could potentially use to generate 1000s of world-wide-web visitors into your gross sales funnels. These strategies consist of social media marketing, search engines like yahoo and paid out ads. As an example, Russell pays attention to facebook advertisements because he believes it is actually a person from the only tips on how to push folks for your product sales funnel immediately.
Using an expenditure of the number of bucks, you might push 1000s of people in your squeeze web site in which you sell to them and have back again your ROI (return on expense). Search at it this way;
You develop a $50 item and establish an efficient income funnel for it. You then invest $200 into facebook advertisements. This could drive 1000s of people for your income funnel and with only four income, you'd probably get better back again your facebook advertisements investment decision.
Value
To join the A single Funnel Absent Challenge, it fees only $100. With $100, you can get the many characteristics, trainings, bonuses and coaching classes there exists in this schooling series. It can be completely value every single penny. In fact, this system is valued at $3,126 however, you get all these for just $100 right now.
For that cost, I are unable to advocate this software additional. $100 to develop the aspiration enterprise you have got constantly wanted or maybe 100 bucks to flee the 9 to 5 stress.
Last Verdict
In conclusion, the One Funnel Away Problem is valuable expense you'd make. The material, bonuses and teachings you can get are top notch and they are much value a lot more than a $100 investment decision. No matter what business you're in: large ticket nearer, start-up, or currently at 7 figures, you will get a tone of price from this problem.
I remarkably advocate that you simply sign-up for that coming A person Funnel Away Obstacle currently and get ready to make the company you and your loved ones have earned.
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Not your typical love story because a girl woke up and fell in love with a gay sweetheart. It's a tough journey.
I'm a bisexual girl who happens to like girls a lot. I had two ex girlfriends and zero boyfriends in the past though I dated a few guys too. For the past years, some people considered me as lesbian already as my interest in men almost hit the rock bottom while women gets my attention effortlessly. As I get to meet more people and evaluate myself, I kinda realize maybe I'm demisexual or something. It's so easy to be interested with anyone but it's a different story to fall in love with someone.
I have this circle of friends at school called marupokswhom I am badly attached and close to. We go on adventures together, share little secrets, get drunk, sneak out, cry together and I have to say that there is one special person in my circle, let's name him 'K'.
Let's drop the bomb, K is gay. Not the guy looking gay but he is very gay. The moment he speaks, the moment he moves, the moment you hear him, you know he is that gay. So cute.
In our circle, we have bisexual guys too who acts feminine too but I have to say that K is the girliest of them all, maybe even girlier than the other real girls in our squad lol. Still cute.
K and I? We weren't really close. We share jokes — he is witty and very funny — and stories and hang out but we're not that tight. If you leave us together in a room — just us — there might be some awkward silence. You know?
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I don't really pay attention to him that much, he was just a normal school friend before though there are times he is there drinking with me and some of our mutuals, he heard my tragic story about my ex girlfriend, he heard the complicated stuffs about me and my love life and my mind bleh. He's a good listener in my opinion, but then one day I woke up and asked myself: He always listen, not just to me but to each of the squad's stories, but did I ever try to listen to him? That's the time I started to notice him.
His eyelashes are so long, his skin glows, it fascinates me to stare at him when he talks. Our squad is composed of about 11 members so it's kinda hard to speak in big groups, some won't pay attention, some gets distracted, some may not even know you're speaking but when he speaks, I try my best to listen. And then I knew a little bit about his story.
He's either sleeping or laughing or smiling. But then behind those happy and sleepy bean, there is another book.
A broken family that he keeps wishing to be complete again. Struggles in life to survive this cruel world. He needed to work while studying to help his family and himself. Jeez. I can't imagine myself being in such situation considering that I am so lazy and my family are well and stable, we never really had financial problems or anything related to that.
I remember what K said, he was like the mother and father to his own family. Masyadong maaga pa but he had no choice. Sucks. Now he works at a fast food chain — Jollibee, my favorite, lol!
You know what's so fascinating about it? He loves his work. I don't think it's just because of the money he earns from it but he is that appreciative kind of person. Maybe he appreciates his colleagues, his manager, the fast food chain itself, the operations, the memories that he learned to naturally love what he is doing. Imagine that? Instead of cursing and going like "Hay nako may duty nanaman ako." He goes like "May duty ako." There's a difference.
I can feel his passion and care for the place he works on. It's amusing and sweet at the same time. He is really appreciative of things — very.
He also do sidelines to earn, that's so diligent of him. I remember him selling coin banks. Ang sipag samantalang ako tamad tamad. Lol! He is also a student council treasurer of our school's organization ACES-PICE. Btw, he won the elections by a super landslide (I'm so proud! He deserves all the votes yessssss!!) He hosts civil engineering events on our school too even without any talent fee — just love. Ain't he the nicest?
Last year, November 2018 we had a ball and he hosted it. He had a co-host and it irked me to hear that there was an instance where a student officer handed a food for his co-host and had nothing for K. Jesus. What the actual fuck? She even asked K to hand the food to his co-host.
Man, I saw all K's efforts for that whole week, for that whole event, he hosted the event without asking for any fee but to treat him like that, like "Wag ka na bigyan ng pagkain, sayang budget."
Where's the appreciation? Where's the consideration.
Ano ba naman yung kahit food nalang oh. Sick. Don't get me wrong but that student officer is a trash. Sorry not sorry. I'm so angry lol.
As a busy officer that night, I still managed to eat at the buffet, K was so occupied with the hosting and the only time he was able to munch something was when I brought my plate backstage and he had a few bites of my food. I hate that I wasn't able to do anything for him that time. Ugh.
After that night, I appreciated him more as a person. I didn't have heavy feelings yet but I barely noticed that the path I was taking was on the way there.
I started with throwing banats and cheesy jokes on him on our group chat. Our friends laugh at us a lot because I am their friend that they can't imagine being with a guy more because I AM THAT INTO GIRLS FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE and K is so gay that he's like created by the heavens for a guy. Then it went on and on then one day I realized, I really like this person.
I went crazy. I locked myself in a room and evaluated myself and my feelings. Maybe I'm lost? It's just a crush but no it wasn't JUST a crush. I kept it for myself for a while. I never saw it coming — me liking a friend who is gay who is biologically a man. That is like against all my rules and against the norm.
I remained silent. I didn't want to make things awkward but people were right. The more you hide what you feel, the more it demands to manifest.
Then I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone about it and I told one of the marupoks, Abbi, about it (love her). She was startled because as I've said, it was against all my rules and the norm but she is the most understanding and open minded person in our group, she knew how great K is and there is literally nothing not to like about him.
Then I continued to keep all my feelings to myself. Some of the squad started to ask me who am I blushing to, who is my crush but I kept it hidden and when I drop K's name, they won't take it seriously. I thought it was a good coincidence.
I gave him a polo top as a Christmas gift from H&M. I thought of buying it because I remember one time he showed me a polo top from a shop (I forgot) and he looked so amused by it. Hindi naman siya maluho that's why I thought it wouldn't hurt to buy him something he can use and might like, right?
Man, it's been ages since I felt that feeling. You know? Going to a mall and thinking what is a good thing to buy for him? This looks good on him? He might like this. I forgot myself and that's so rare.
My friends think I'm joking whenever I put efforts for K but the truth is I'm actually expressing. I thought maybe K would find it as a joke too because I've been very playful with him ever since but then as days go by, I don't know if I'm getting off guard or if he is just that sensitive to notice. Some of them started to worry about me.
Baka masaktan ka.
'pag ikaw umiyak—
Control control lang.
I always tell them he's just my happy crush but I knew I was in love.
HOW WEIRD IS MY LOVE FOR K?
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I knew I was when I thought about rejection but I was ready for the pain he might cause and I wasn't afraid of it. I knew I was in love when I didn't care if he tells me he doesn't feel the same way because the only thing I want is for him to know.
I didn't want him to know because I want to oblige him to love me back or to pressure him to reciprocate what I do, I just wanted him to know that there is someone believing in him, there is someone appreciating him, there is someone out there loving him for who he is because that's what he deserves.
You deserve all the love in the world.
I always tell him.
He said he was so touched when I said it to him the first time but I always wonder why nobody has told him that yet or why isn't there anyone reminding him that? Jesus. He's so wonderful, it hurts.
Ever since I had my heart broken from my first girlfriend, I've been very wary of the people I date and people I get interested to. My walls went so high, I may get interested but when I see one flaw in the person I date, I tend to just choose giving up and stopping everything because I was traumatized by my past. I was destroyed when I gave almost everything to my former love, courted her for half a year even if she was straight. Nabasted for a couple of times but I thought she was worth the struggles, I won her but then she just ended up cheating on me after being with me for two years. I just find it hard to be interested with someone and trust them completely. I was tainted, I had trust issues with everyone thinking they will just all end up hurting me like my ex.
I dated a lot of people but honestly, I haven't felt the strong admiration I had for my ex to anyone until K came along. He was special, even I was surprised.
Akala ko di na ako makakafeel ng ganitong kilig, ganitong devotion and determination for someone. I even wrote a song for him. He inspired me that much.
Man, I have so much words for him. He is perfectly imperfect and I love his assets and flaws — I don't mind seeing more.
We already talked face to face.
He said he thinks I'm out of his league. I'm above him, he said. Then I told him "Eh I'm looking up to you." Hoping he'll realize that I am not in anyway out of his league and he is wonderful, don't he ever dare to put himself down.
He said he doesn't deserve me, I deserve someone better because he's just him. Common line but I know my worth. I know what I deserve but put me out of the picture — YOU are the one who deserve so much more. You're amazing.
He said when he knew that I liked him he was surprised, he couldn't believe it. Then when I started to be vocal and showy about my feelings, he had no choice but to take it in and he confessed that it overwhelms him to have someone to put so much effort on him and he just couldn't help but think of how to return the feelings, efforts and gifts. I told him I don't need him to return all of that, I don't need him to think HOW to reciprocate and return all of it, I just want him to think WHY I do all of those efforts and WHY I give him all those appreciation and surprises. Simple. Because he deserves to be treated that way, he deserves to be loved that way, he deserves to be spoiled that way.
He deserves more and all.
He once smiled with a face of disbelief as if everything he's hearing was surreal, then he asked me bakit ako? Then I laughed because I couldn't believe he had to ask why? Is life that shit to him that he doesn't know how wonderful he is? I replied bakit hindi? He was silenced. I hope he realized his worth, bakit nga ba hindi?
Then I looked at him in the eye and told him how most of the people close to the both of us ask me why do I like him, it's weird, it's unusual but then I told him alam mo kung ano sagot ko? He asked what? I told him: What is not to like about him? What is not to like?
He once told me he is afraid to take risk and he doesn't want to take risk because things might go out of hand and he doesn't wanna hurt anyone or me. I told him it's okay. He can reject me that very moment face to face and I will accept it. I told him I might be even proud na nabasted ako ng isang katulad niya knowing how great he is. I won't be ashamed of it. He is really something to be proud of. Best thing I never had.
I told him not to worry about me. If he doesn't like me back that's okay. I saw it coming already, I was half ready for it. I won't be lying but that shit hurts but what is pain? It heals and when it heals,it leaves scars and scars remind us of lessons.
I'm so enchanted. I'm in the state of wanting him so bad but I won't complain if I won't for as long as he is happy. I don't care if he reciprocates the love or not for as long as I see him smile. My walls are down for him, kahit masaktan okay lang, I'm such a masochist but the pain he is inflicting on me reminds me that I still feel and I still know what love is — thank you for that.
I have no bad words for K. I'll stick to my words. He is wonderful and I know whenever I get hurt because of him, it wasn't his intention. His intentions are pure, I trust him so much that my guards are all down.
I admit it hurts me to think one day he might find someone else but then on a second thought, I won't mind because seeing him happy is at the top of my list — masasaktan lang naman ako for a while pero at least siya forever na masaya if he finds his perfect pair, what's so bad about that?
Nevertheless, after all the talks, I knew the feeling wasn't mutual and that's okay. I told him you can reject me everyday but I won't stop putting efforts for you. Just because he didn't feel the same way for me ibig sabihin he became less wonderful? E he deserves all the love nga 'di ba? Why stop? Just because nasaktan naging hypocrite?
K is worth pursuing, K is worth fighting for.
I think he lost words already and he knew there is no way to change my mind about him so he just told me to just stay and we'll try to get through it without being weird around each other. I agreed. Kinda hard at first but kakayanin dahil yon ang gusto ni crush. I'm just a puppy. Jk.
I told him to just let me appreciate him because I'm happy, if he's in the state just not being ready, I can wait for him but alongside, I promised him that I'll stop when he finds his perfect man — I won't interfere, I'll let go, life goes on. In return, I asked him to promise me to choose the one who will treat him the way he deserves.
NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS, K! YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD. :)
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amandajoyce118 · 6 years
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Friday Five: I wish…
Since this is the last weekend of Women's History Month, I thought I’d return to a female character themed Friday Five. This time around, I’m giving you five female comic book characters I wish Agents of SHIELD would bring to the screen. The show has utilized an amazingly large number of comic book characters considering it was built around a group of people not in the comics. Some of these are my favorites. Some of these are just characters I think would have been a good fit for a lengthy arc.
Five: Ms. Marvel
Every young person reading comics wants Ms. Marvel to get her own onscreen property. There was a lot of speculation that she would be part of one of the shows in development at Freeform since the network is aimed at “emerging adults” or whatever their tag is now. That doesn’t appear to be the case, and quite frankly, I think it’s unlikely to see her get a TV project unless its on a cable network that has the budget for the VFX her shapeshifting ability would require.
That being said, I would have loved to see Agents of SHIELD introduce her for a one off episode. The SHIELD comics (which, really, were hit or miss and I only recommend them if you are genuinely interested in how different writers work with the characters) featured her for a single issue in which Jemma Simmons went undercover as a high school teacher. She and Kamala ended up teaming up to take on a bad guy, and it was such a fun issue that I’ve wanted to see a version of that on the show ever since.
Four: Iso
This one is a bit of a cheat. Why? Because NuHuman Xiaoyi Chen actually reminds me a lot of Skye before she fully embraced Daisy Johnson. Iso is the Inhuman name the character takes on, but when she’s introduced, there are different people hunting her because of her abilities, and Reader (who is basically the comic book basis for Gordon on the show) is the one who finds her. Iso’s abilities include manipulating pressure, very similar to Daisy’s “pushing” of vibrating molecules together. I feel like introducing someone like Iso would allow Daisy the chance to give someone the benefit of her own experiences though, which is one of the reasons I love the similarities between them. 
Iso was “given” to Ennilux, an old Inhuman organization that placed Inhumans into business opportunities, sold people into slavery, and operated kind of like the Inhuman version of organized crime. It’s a comic book piece she could have brought with her to the show which could have been fascinating.
Three: Miss America
I almost didn’t put America Chavez on this list because I feel like it’s inevitable that she (and Kate Bishop) will eventually join the MCU. The characters are too popular and fans are too vocal for producers to ignore them forever. That being said, she’s a character who can literally kick holes in the doors between universes. Given that Agents of SHIELD has already played with the comic book What If scenario in the Framework, went to space and time travelled in season five, and they’ve introduced Ghost Rider who can also open doors between dimensions, America would be a fun addition, even for a short arc.
America is also an out lesbian in the comics, and for all the great representation that exists for SHIELD in ages and ethnicities, different sexualities are not represented well. The writers have a habit of getting rid of characters n same sex relationships. Admittedly, this has largely been because the actors aren’t available, but the show’s writers should at least try to rectify that and America is such a fun character, so it would be a win-win.
Two: Victoria Hand
What’s that you say? Victoria Hand was already on the show? I can’t hear you over the sound of that fridge door closing on her. Killing off Victoria Hand so quickly is one of the things I hate about the series, even though it provided such a great moment with the reveal that Ward was Hydra. Victoria Hand is one of the highest ranking SHIELD agents the show has ever had involved, even in just a few short appearances, and I would have really enjoyed seeing what the show did with her. In the comics, she’s a real badass, and the show didn’t get to explore that very much.
I also really love Saffron Burrows and hate that she’s not in more stuff I actually watch, so... I’d like her back, please.
One: Shadowcat
Considering Kitty Pryde is one of my favorite Marvel comic book characters of all time, there was no way she wasn’t making this list. She’s also the one person on this list who, realistically, will never be in the MCU unless Disney decides to make the FOX buyout official. Because Kitty’s comic book history is rooted in the X-Men, her screen rights belong to FOX. Three different actresses have already played her on the screen, including the lovely Ellen Page, but the character hasn’t really been on par with who she is in the comics.
She grew from a bubbly teenager who loved dance classes into a young adult with a fondness for guys named Peter and an eventual leader of the X-Men. She has been through nearly as much crap as the big names (like Jean Grey and Wolverine), and she’s been a SHIELD agent in a couple of story arcs. It’s a shame the show couldn’t use her and her ability to walk through walls. I guess I can’t be too angry since there is a movie in development over at FOX surrounding her character.
Honorable mentions go to Kate Bishop (of course! Because the female Hawkeye is kind of a mess, but we love her anyway), Dazzler (because her character was so ridiculous in the 80s and I’d love to see SHIELD deal with someone whose famous having special powers they kept hidden), and Black Widow (for the obvious reason that she was SHIELD and Coulson was her team leader, but with a certain actress in the role, that’s a very unlikely option).
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ehentha · 6 years
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Maldives twitter last week #1
Here are some interesting things Maldivians talked about on twitter last week. A long term collection could be very useful for reflection and analysis. 
 1. @reallynattu creates satirical voting app 
Since this has leaked and people got a glimpse of this super duper top secret extremely sensitive totally legit app we've been working on. So releasing #VoteApp for public use. Tweet your features to add to this. iOS: https://t.co/yZYEepIJ3i Android: https://t.co/8W1jtkTwpz pic.twitter.com/EGbczx12rw
— Nattu (@reallynattu) March 7, 2018
An English translation: 
The top text reads "Voteapp". Next to it is a drop down menu that says "Presidential election". 
Below that the title says "Candidates". Below this the same portrait of current president Abdulla Yameen is displayed five times in a row, giving the voter a wide range of candidates to vote for. 
Below this is the presidents full name, "Yameen Abdul Gayoom". The president doesn't use this version in his campaigning or current activities perhaps to distant himself from his brother Maumoon. Next to this the text reads "The driving force behind the progress that the Maldives is experiencing". 
After this is a section where the voter decides what kind of reward they want for voting. They are given a choice of money (from well wishers), employment (a coordinator position), or a flat from Hulhumale'. In the mockup the voter has chosen money, and the options for collecting it (deposit, cheque, or a letter delivered to your residence) are below. As the voter has selected the first option, a field to enter their account number and reward amount sits next to the Bank of Maldives and Maldives Islamic Bank logos. 
At the very bottom the text reads "press to vote", with the subtext "I swear to god that I won't change my vote". The word used for "my" is "alhugandu", a relic of the Maldivian caste system, which is the self depreciating word one must use for oneself when talking to someone who demands respect; whether it be your elders, a teacher, or certain dictators. The literal translation of "alhu" is slave. 
 2. @paperclippenny and @legacyofpain attend mandatory marriage classes 
Marriage class: https://twitter.com/legacyofpain/status/971438002890203136
"no anal!!" - Marie #marriageclass
— Executive Hobo 🎈 (@legacyofpain) March 7, 2018
Marie seems to be one of their tutors. 
Marie just called genitals "shameful organs". Wow, I call them fun parts. This is bleak. #marriageclass
— Executive Hobo 🎈 (@legacyofpain) March 7, 2018
A word for genitals in Dhivehi is "ladhuvethi gunavan", literally "shameful organ". 
I'm pretending I'm watching a play. This is a haunting one man show about a man who has given up on life and is clutching on to religion because otherwise his life has no meaning. #marriageclass
— Executive Hobo 🎈 (@legacyofpain) March 7, 2018
Fucking hell! He just called us factories #marriageclass
— penny 🎈❓ (@paperclippenny) March 7, 2018
Oh my God so many diseased ladhuvethi gunavan!!! My eyes!!! My beautiful eyes!!!! #marriageclass
— Executive Hobo 🎈 (@legacyofpain) March 7, 2018
This man's wife tried to leave him... Several times #marriageclass
— penny 🎈❓ (@paperclippenny) March 7, 2018
All financial responsibilities on men. No pressure. Eyrun mimeehun gengulheveynee. #marriageclass Seriously dude 😠
— penny 🎈❓ (@paperclippenny) March 7, 2018
I don't think this guy thinks that women have a brain. To me it sounds like this guy thinks that women are just walking wombs. #marriageclass
— Executive Hobo 🎈 (@legacyofpain) March 7, 2018
Please ladies, stay in your marriage. Your guy invested a lot in this venture - marriage teacher #marriageclass
— penny 🎈❓ (@paperclippenny) March 7, 2018
3. Women of Maldives begin campaign to make male dominated tea houses more gender inclusive with #OccupySaiHotaa
It’s happening!!!! #OccupySaiHotaa https://t.co/tn51rHPT5q
— Hamy (@ashahamy) March 8, 2018
What we are trying to is eliminate gender segregated spaces and normalize eating at Sai Hotaa for women. Ultimate goal is for women to be able to do this without the need for ‘gatu’. #OccupySaiHotaa @KeevveMV
— Aryj (@Arrryj) March 8, 2018
"gatu" is the Maldivian slang version of "having the guts". 
Occupy Sai Hotaa https://t.co/njXP4KMwfs
— Aryj (@Arrryj) March 8, 2018
We are at aibalhey #OccupySaiHotaa Our team will be here until 1400PM. So come and join us! pic.twitter.com/9qaPrdNsjo
— Keevve! (@KeevveMV) March 8, 2018
Occupysaihotaa: Anhenverin hotaa thakah! https://t.co/FkTrgatlRz
— Mihaaru (@Mihaarunews) March 8, 2018
The headline reads: Occupysaihotaa: Women (go) to the tea houses! (sai = tea, hotaa = hotel). 
Hi @Mihaarunews, The article states that I was leading the movement, which is inaccurate. The #Keevve movement and #OccupySaiHotaa are both lead by @NihayaAhmed, @ashahamy and me as explained over the phone. Please amend the article to reflect this.
— Aryj (@Arrryj) March 8, 2018
.#TimeIsNow to break the gender stereotypes. Today, on #womensday our team at UNDP joined #OccupySaiHotaa. #IWD2018 pic.twitter.com/HYO9f2c2SB
— UNDP Maldives (@UNDPMaldives) March 8, 2018
Okay, this wins! I think it was @shaari that suggested Dhivehi Keun at Moon Cafe’. Varah salhi. #OccupySaiHotaa #keevve nudhaanvee! pic.twitter.com/oScpQhaRB7
— Hamy (@ashahamy) March 10, 2018
Bill for 8 people!!!!! #OccupySaiHotaa #Keevve @KeevveMV pic.twitter.com/nQK9hCQvDQ
— Hamy (@ashahamy) March 8, 2018
At Moon Café for dinner. #OccupySaiHotaa pic.twitter.com/LZUlxQQma0
— Aryj (@Arrryj) March 10, 2018
Late Nasira was the bravest among us, she initiated #OccupySaiHotaa A true inspiration. May god bless her 💞✨ pic.twitter.com/lr5tdPaZYM
— Yuha Mauroof (@YuhaMauroof) March 9, 2018
We came for lunch to memorial saihotaa & also ordered a Rukuraa as a drink. A man approached to my friend and said "RAAKOLHEH dheebala." Anheneh saiboan ananee raa boan thoa? #keevenaananvee #OccupySaiHotaa #teammemorial #happyWomensDay2018 #InternationalWomensDay @safaathahmed pic.twitter.com/1sNzwPp7tR
— Anthi (@shafaafahmed) March 8, 2018
Seeing #OccupySaiHotaa photos is so heartwarming. The times are a changing indeed. :’) Shoutout to all the men being supportive as well.
— 🎈Nora Nazeer ✨ (@NoraNazeer) March 8, 2018
Me and @rushdhar today occupying a sai hotaa #OccupySaiHotaa #InternationalWomenDay #KeeveNudhaanvee @KeevveMV pic.twitter.com/XULcBtNihB
— Sajidha Mufeed 🇲🇻 (@SaajiMV) March 8, 2018
Ok update: I can feel the stares, hear tiny squeaks here and there. The service however is really nice. Just the testosterone I feel discriminated by. Anhenunnah Sai Hotalehgai fenun dhathi kamakah vany #Keevve #OccupySaiHotaa #IWD2018
— Nihaya 🎈 (@NihayaAhmed) March 8, 2018
If you use the #OccupySaiHotaa and search here you will notice it’s becoming the norm and people are going to Sai Hotaa’s on a daily basis, I myself went tonight with my sisters tonight itself to participate in it and to show my support. It’s already their 2nd time
— Adam Isham (@adamisham) March 11, 2018
4. Some men aren't too happy about it 
Feminism is beautiful. But why occupy sai hotaa? Why not propose separate sai hotas for women? Men need the privacy to talk the "men talk" at saihota. Likewise, women. Issue-based agendas would facilitate women empowerment instead of trying to create a resemblance of men & women
— I l h a m (@ilhaamnil) March 8, 2018
Noannaanu salaamatheh , vaki varakah dho sai hotaa thah hingaa meehun ah keiy vaanee. Miadhu ekani chummi ziyaaratheh kolli kamahtakaa mas dhuvahuge supply huss vejje eh burun!!
— Manih Rasheed (@m3ndu3) March 8, 2018
English translation: "There is no escape, there is only so much that tea house managers will take. (We've?) run out of a months supply just because of one visit!
#SaiHotaOccupied pic.twitter.com/yyLqmcdo2B
— Manih Rasheed (@m3ndu3) March 8, 2018
#OccupySaiHotaa wahhabees ge lagondi akah ketheh nuvi. Keep breaking these rulez. 💪👧❤@KeevveMV @JCIKaafu @Arrryj @siruarts pic.twitter.com/ukYk543QcL
— Aydh (@janavaar) March 9, 2018
Peeing in a bottle: Man’s greatest achievement? This is the best that Salafi propagandist Siru “Arts” could come up with to mock the #OccupySaiHotaa movement.
The black text on top reads:  "This year the women's groups went to the tea houses next year (they'll go) fishing"
The red bottom text reads: “Next year - trying to pee into a thola bottle far away without utilising any devices”
On the bottom left the silhouette peeing is labeled "men" and the female rage comic face is lablled "women". 
Today I've learned a lot. Thanks all who opposed nicely. This needs to move forward. At the same, time addressing other related issues are important. I've already decided to join the #OccupySaiHotaa movement. #twitterlessons
— I l h a m (@ilhaamnil) March 9, 2018
 5. Maldives celebrates International Women's Day 2018
When I first started out as a design student, some of my first design idols were female Maldivian designers. Fast forward to 3+ years of working and I've met more female designers than male. Here's an attempt at documenting our female designers. Feel free to add on.#IWD2018
— Immi Saleem (@immisalym) March 8, 2018
#IWD2018 pic.twitter.com/wsObiM9kg0
— Benefit (@Benefitmv) March 6, 2018
Celebrating the courageous women who stepped up for justice. Aisha @mysticaish is fighting for justice for her brother @yaamyn. Bravo! #WomenStepUp #PressForProgess #IWD2018 #WeAreYaamyn pic.twitter.com/lwFdBcMJ5B
— Mv Democracy Network (@MDN_mv) March 8, 2018
This brave lady Shameema, has an injured spine from being hit by water at high pressure, by @PoliceMv Pepper sprayed daily, she was brutally kicked by a policeman during a peaceful protest even last week & yet she’s on the roads everyday fighting 4 #Democracy#PressforProgress pic.twitter.com/fFDYVtMPan
— MP Rozaina Adam 🎈 (@Roxeyna) March 8, 2018
For @moyameehaa ‘s mum, a woman who’s been asking where her son is for 1307 days, despite inhumane obstructions from the state. #IWD2018
— Shaff Hameed 🎈❔ (@shoffot) March 8, 2018
I want to talk about polygamy, child brides, criminalization of relations outside wedlock, ban on women marrying non-muslims, restrictions on wives to initiate divorce, & lax child maintenance laws. But idiots might come after my head, shouting "dheenatakaa,gaumatakaa"! So happu
— HawwaLubna 🎈❓ (@HawwaLubna) March 8, 2018
The Police raised our home today. They took with them my mother’s old iPad. They can expect to find a lot of pretty crochet designs. #MaldivesInCrisis
— Eva Abdulla 🎈❓ (@evattey) March 8, 2018
These women are my heroes. I hope for the day Maldives will give answers. Their strength in the face of brutality is the best of our humanity. #IWD2018 #FindMoyaMeehaa #WeAreYaamyn pic.twitter.com/bsqd9ZupQU
— Ish 🎈 (@bananatarts) March 8, 2018
We did #OccupySaiHotaa . Adhives dhaanvaane, #Keevve nudhaanvy? @safaathahmed couldn't tag you pic.twitter.com/MVs3icrmUf
— Luj 🌹 (@lujainshujau) March 8, 2018
Just got called a "feminazi". Because I've this weird belief that women's bodies are their own business. It's radical, I know. That's why they liken me & my kind to nazis, because believing in female self-determination is roughly equivalent to genocide. 🙄
— F 🎈❓ (@_faz_) March 8, 2018
This #InternationalWomensDay let’s not forget LGBTIQA Dhivehi women who do not have the privilege of being visible, let alone freedom to be. We exist. Claims of intersectional allegiance fall short of true solidarity when our existence is not acknowledged. #ALLWomen
— Kanbaafaanu ❓🎈 (@Kanbaafaanu) March 8, 2018
6. Maldives telecom company Dhiraagu gives police full access to opposition activist @Thayyib's SIM
Dhiraagu finally admits they gave police access to @Thayyib’s SIM. Even if it was to honour a court order, why did @Dhiraagu not have the basic courtesy to inform the service recipient of this action? Why did it keep issuing vague statements denying the accusation? https://t.co/G5PfGFW1rV
— Mickail Naseem 🎈 (@MickailNaseem) March 8, 2018
Attn: I am going to move my Viber, WhatsApp, Telegram and other communication platforms to my SriLanka number. I am using @Dhiraagu services from 1997 (started from pager) & many times they have violated my privacy. records must be there.
— Thayyib #PN2018 (@thayyib) March 8, 2018
thank you @Google @gmail @Twitter @TwitterSupport @verified @facebook those who wants stop me, may attempt again and more, please protect my accounts.
— Thayyib #PN2018 (@thayyib) March 8, 2018
There was no lawful purpose. Since @Dhiraagu gave @PoliceMv the means to impersonate @thayyib they aided in the commission of a crime: identity fraud. A cloned SIM's real use is not to intercept messages, but to appear to others as the real one, i.e. to commit identity fraud. pic.twitter.com/PF06AOeNLO
— Maumoon Hameed (@maanhameed) March 8, 2018
A sad day, but I see NO other option than to quit @Dhiraagu after 19 years. I wonder why @dhiraagu did NOT appeal like @Apple did on maintaining customers’ trust & their integrity.. Especially knowing the Corruption Index Level of our State.@Mirshan :(@OoredooMaldives :)
— Ashraf Ayu (@Ashraf_Ayu) March 8, 2018
What @Dhiraagu did was a crime of the same magnitude as issuing an ID Card/Passport bearing @thayyib‘s photo & particulars for someone else to impersonate him. What an institutionalized criminal activity!#SIMcloningCompany pic.twitter.com/1fWj6GyEh6
— Imthiyaz Fahmy (@Imthiyazfahmy) March 8, 2018
More next week!
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duncepatrick92 · 4 years
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jhericho-blog1 · 7 years
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Home
Summary: Who Fareeha was was a blurred line. Where did Ana Amari’s only child start and the highly esteemed soldier begin? Were there even things in between, was she – could she – be anything more to anyone?
Warnings: Implied Self-Harm, Implied Suicide/Suicide Attempts, Mental Health Issues
I recommend reading the chapters written prior, they can be found here.
“Shit!”
“Pharah! Mercy!”
“No!”
The screaming was gone the instant they passed over the edge of the cliff. The wind was howling in her ears as gravity drug them closer and closer to the water's edge. Her arms struggled to keep a grip on the Raptora suit, it's massive wings digging painfully into her chest as she clung tightly to the unconscious woman inside the suit.
The wings to the Valkyrie suit were extended as far as possible as they tried to support more weight than they were made for. Her back was on fire, the pain ripping a yell from her mouth and causing the split in her lip to widen.
She should have stayed with McCree. If she had just stayed with Jesse, they wouldn't be in this mess. And yet, Pharah had thrust herself into the middle of a firefight, entering a deadly duel in the air, rockets versus sniper rounds.
Their second mission and Angela was once again in the worst position possible. Well, perhaps not the worse. Everyone had sustained injuries of varying degrees, from Torbjörn's sprained ankle to the shotgun shells littering Reinhardt's flank.
Hurtling off a cliff into a less than calm ocean was pretty bad, but not her worst Thursday night.
The information of a Talon operation in Greece literally appeared out of nowhere. Winston spent countless hours trying to track the anonymous source that leaked the information, tried to find out who the whistleblower might be.
Everyone spent one long night on high alert, Athena's sudden announcement of an unidentified hacker in her systems leaving the team uneasy. “I don't want to poke back too hard.” Winston grimly told them the following morning. “Whoever this is was able to break into our mainframe in what seems like seconds. If they could do that they can certainly see me trying to break into theirs, and it's not an easy hack. I'm afraid if I poke too hard they might do something worse to us.”
The message was simple: Illios. Archaeology site. Talon.
The messenger was a lot less simple. The information was relayed through a serious of various codes that took Winston hours to figure out. He couldn't quite put his finger on one part of the message, one word that was repeated over and over throughout the endless codes. Boop.
The scientist decided to remain in Gibraltar just in case it was a trap to lure them away from the Watchpoint, leaving the remaining six to head straight into a probable trap in Greece. There was heated debate about what Talon could be after at an archaeology site, the only logical explanation being artifacts.
It made Angela laugh. World renowned terrorist organization Talon, stealing ancient Greek artifacts in the night like petty art thieves. She was laughing a lot less when their newly refurbished ORCA landed in the middle of a heated battle between Talon forces and Illios police officers.
“It's important that we not be see,” Winston had explained their first night in the Watchpoint, “if word gets out that we're operating again we'll all be in hot water.”
“Like a slap on the wrist hot water?” Lena had asked through a mouthful of cheese pizza.
“Like we're committing high treason, hot water.” The gorilla clarified.
Which made their sudden appearance all the more fantastic. Angela ignored the questions the police threw her way as she patched up their wounds, giving them plastic smiles and reassurances that they'd be alright. Winston had tried to calm the tension by reminding the team that everyone had a price, but it only seemed to raise everyone's blood pressure at the thought of having to bribe the police.
The plan they had come up with had to be revised quickly to account for the unwanted guests. Tracer would take to the backlines with Torbjörn and provide cover for him while he set up behind the enemy with his turret. McCree and Pharah were to flank the sides and watch for anyone trying to ambush Reinhardt as he marched straight on and into the site, hopefully pushing Talon back and into Torbjörn and Tracer.
Which meant Angela was stuck once again cowering behind Reinhardt's shield, praying to whoever or whatever was listening that he didn't charge off to god-knows-what. Just watching Pharah shoot off in the air made her itch to join her.
The past few weeks had been successful to say the least. Angela had forced herself to get into the gym and start working out again. She knew she was out of shape, but god. Watching Lena run a mile in a little over three minutes made her tired. Listening to Fareeha explain proper form for deadlifting and squats made her body ache.
Progress was made, slowly but surely. Her own personal training with her wings was going better than expected. Within a week in a half she could lift off the ground, and at the end of two weeks she could hang in the air for ten minutes. It still made her back sore, but it was a soreness she gladly welcomed.
Angela had asked Fareeha if she would help her run field tests in the air, but she was always shot down, no pun intended. If the doctor was honest, it felt like Fareeha was avoiding her on work out days. She always had an excuse to not accompany Angela into the gym, always seemed very eager to escape the gym when she walked in on Angela.
It infuriated her to no end, and she never failed to ask what was wrong on the nights they found themselves both in the rec room eating sweets until sunrise. Fareeha would laugh and shrug it off, always managing to change the conversation.
Their meetings had started off unplanned. They never intended to have repeats of the first night in the rec room, but it became a sort of ritual.
Just before three am, they would wake and head to rec room. Whoever got in first would begin preparations for a snack, whoever got in second would choose from a colorful array of children's movies. It was odd to say the least, and when they'd occasionally get an uninvited guest neither knew how to explain.
They had gone through a rainbow of disgustingly sweet treats: cakes, pastries, cheap boxed pudding, cookies, the list seemed endless. Fareeha had surprised Angela with her prowess in the kitchen and she'd be lying if it made her embarrassed of her own half-assed cooking skills. “Mom was never around to make this kind of stuff,” Fareeha explained nonchalantly one morning while pulling a pan of brownies out of the oven, “so I taught myself.”
Ana had been discussed some nights. She was never the center of the conversation, and that was alright. Fareeha expressed her desire to let their quiet moments be just that, a moment to step back and breathe, a moment of calm. Angela couldn't agree more, thankful that whenever the conversation turned serious and dark it was quickly broken by a joke or question.
It was such a blessing, their moments of calm. Some nights neither would speak, just go through the usual motions and curl up on the couch to watch whatever was playing. Some nights neither would stop speaking, interrupting each other to try and get thoughts or opinions out before they were forgotten.
Some nights it was like the other wasn't even there, that they were two individuals stuck in the hells that were their minds and memories. And some nights it was like they were the last two people on Earth, clinging together for comfort and warmth to chase away the whispers of the past.
Every night Fareeha sat a little closer to Angela. Every night Angela removed Fareeha's prosthetic legs. Every night they shared a blanket. Every night Angela found herself watching Fareeha and smiling without realizing what she was doing.
And every morning the two woke up tangled together on the couch. And every morning they returned to their rooms without speaking to get ready for the day.
Lena had taken it upon herself to bug the living shit out of Angela about it. “So you two spend the entire night together, eating sweets and watching movies, sharing a blanket, and just get up in the morning like it didn't even happened?”
“What's so horrible about it?” Angela asked.
“What's so horrible about it is that you're doing fuck all!” The shorter woman grabbed Angela's shoulders and lightly shook her, “Angie, what is the first thing everyone notices about Fareeha?”
Angela made a face and slowly answered, “She's tall...?”
“No no no! She's hot! She's got muscles, she's got charisma, she's got really nice tits! C'mon Angie, it's not brain surgery!” Lena waggled her eyebrows and smirked, “Or maybe you're just a really good actress.”
“Lena,” Angela carefully removed her hands and stepped back, “Fareeha is nice and she's my friend. And you're missing the glaringly obvious: I'm not gay.”
The ex-pilot scoffed, raising her eyebrows and grimacing. Angela frowned deeper at the face and rolled her eyes, stepping around Lena to walk away. From behind her she could hear the woman mocking her in a comically thick German accent. “Lena, I'm not gay! Lena, zhe sky izn't blue it'z purple and vater izn't vet!”
The pestering was endless. It didn't help that when she ate lunch with Torbjörn he would make comments of the similar caliber, much tamer comments, but still hinting at the same conclusion: you spend a lot of time together, so are you together?
Angela hadn't brought it up to Fareeha during their occasional vents of frustration for fear it would make things awkward. The last thing she wanted was for a good thing to turn sour. Especially after they had discussed how terrible they handled relationships in the past.
All of the men Angela had been with left her feeling wholly dissatisfied with just about everything. All of the men and women Fareeha had been with had abused her kindness and left her feeling, in her own words, 'emotionally constipated'. They both agreed there had been the one or two good relationships that didn't work out, but neither delved too deep into their love lives.
It was ironic, really. They could openly admit to how many people they've let die, how many times they've thought the world would be better off with them dead, but they drew the line at partners.
Jesse loved to burst into their conversations some nights to describe in excruciating detail his past experiences with men and women, which probably lead to the line being drawn. Angela didn't think she could ever hear certain words again without blushing deeply.
“Mercy, are you ready to move out?” Reinhardt asked over his shoulder.
The doctor finished bandaging a rather large gash on an officer's leg before picking the Caduceus staff up and nodding. The German man barked a harsh order for the Illios Police Force to stay back. No one seemed to have the courage to challenge the crusader or his hammer.
The two moved slowly in the dark, Reinhardt's energy barrier giving them just enough light to see the area immediately around them. “McCree, Pharah, update on the path?” Angela asked into her earpiece. She touched the side of her halo, four blue blips appearing in the holographic interface that lowered to her eyes.
“Left's clear, over.”
“No hostiles spotted to the right, over.”
The excavation site was dead ahead. There were a few work lights illuminating the site, some overturned or broken by gunfire. Bodies lay untouched, Talon soldiers and police alike. “Turret's up!” Torbjörn said.
“Move in on my count.” Reinhardt lowered his barrier, wielding his hammer before himself. Angela gripped her staff tighter, inhaling the scent of blood around her deeply and spreading her wings. “Now!” He bellowed, his rocket thrusters propelling him forward.
Angela flew in after him, raising her staff and engaging it's first command to unleash a torrent of nanites into the crusader. As soon as they touched the site gunfire erupted from all around them. The barrier was brought back up to block most of it, a few bullets pinging off Reinhardt's armor.
The doctor stood beside him to avoid as much gunfire as possible, two of the four blips on her screen approaching rapidly. “Got some friends comin' in hot to the left!” McCree announced.
Seconds later the man took a leap off some scaffolding and landed in a roll, revolver already raised and firing at the hostiles following him. “On your right!” Pharah called, Reinhardt swiveling instantly to block the impact of a rocket.
The rockets thundered into the ground, ripping screams from Talon soldiers and flinging torn limbs into the air in every which way. McCree glanced at the scene a gave a low whistle, “Nice shootin' there.”
A few soldiers rushed at them head on, and those that didn't get taken out by McCree's bullets were gone the instant Reinhardt swung his hammer. The sound of bodies impacting the weapon made a sickening sound. When he brought it back to raise his barrier Angela noted it was coated in blood.
A loud and reverberating gunshot followed by Pharah's pained cry turned Angela's attention to the sky. “Sniper, right side!” Another shot, a miss. “They're up on top of some ruins!”
“I'm on it!” Tracer cried.
“Pharah, land,” Angela kept trying to find the woman in the dark sky, “it's too risky for me to go up there if the sniper has your position.”
“Right behind you!” She answered over coms, landing less than gracefully seconds later. She held her left shoulder in pain and tossed a few plates of her suit away. “Armor piercing rounds.” She said gruffly, looking at the shredded plates in disgust.
Angela turned her beam to the woman, “Patching you up, just a few moments.” The golden light enveloped Pharah and Angela couldn't help but smirk at the awed look on her face.
“So this is what this feels like.” She wondered aloud.
“Don't get used to it, I'd like to not have to do this. The bullet will need to be removed later, but you should feel no pain.” Angela said, watching Pharah roll her shoulder and give her a curt nod. “Keep with McCree until we get conformation from Tracer about the sniper.”
“Yes ma'am.” Pharah said with a smirk before she aimed her rocket launcher and swiveled to fire off a few rounds, taking out a few soldiers trying to ambush them from behind.
Angela turned to view the two blips off in the distance, one turning slightly yellow. “Torbjörn, status report.”
“Just a few hostiles trying to get my turret.” He answered instantly, grunting before letting out a laugh, “Better to be the hammer than the nail!”
“Tracer? Update on the sniper?” Reinhardt asked, lowering his barrier again to fling a large scar of fire at a rather tightly packed group of soldiers.
Angela watched her blip vanish and reappear every few seconds, turning red instantly before vanishing and reappearing back to blue. “Tracer! What's going on?!”
“It's her!” Tracer growled in response, heaving a breath and adding, “That purple lady from Kings Row!” There was an echoed gunshot through Tracer's com and she laughed and yelled out, “Missed me, love!”
“Lemme know if you need backup,” McCree called out as he took a soldier's knee out, “I've gotta feelin' this is gonna get hairy real quick if she's here!”
Angela raised an eyebrow at the cowboy, “You know who she's talking about?”
McCree pulled something out of the underside of his holster and tossed it up into the air, “Flash bang incoming!” Angela turned her head just in time to miss the loud bang and crack of light, stunning a few soldier's who were trying to come down the ramp. “Yeah I know'er! She was part of the group that had me tied down back in the States, annoying as shit!”
There was a soft roaring in the distance that was gradually growing louder, the sounds of gunfire seeming quiet compared. Torbjörn cursed into the coms and practically yelled, “There's a whole fleet of'em coming around!”
“I see'em too!” Tracer added, “Big ships! One's got a big scar on the side of it!” McCree looked towards the dark sky in a slight panic.
“The one with the scar, is it on the front?” He asked quickly as he reloaded his revolver.
“Yeah, look's pretty gnarly—OI!” Tracer was cut off with a gasp like she had been hit hard. Her coms picked up a scuffle, like she had been taken to the ground.
Reinhardt's barrier had small cracks forming at it's edges and he tossed over his shoulder, “The barrier is failing! I must retract it and let it rebuild itself!”
“Not a good time to do that!” McCree growled, looking at Angela and stating darkly, “If who I think is on that ship is on it, we're in deep horse shit.” She raised an eyebrow at him and he looked around, “Do we have any idea what they're here for? Maybe we can take it before they get it.”
Pharah was hovering off the ground barely above Reinhardt's shield as she raised her wrist to fire a small rocket that propelled a few soldier's backwards. “We have no idea what their target is,” She called down to him, “we just know that we can't let them be here! Who's on that ship?”
“The Reaper.” He said grimly, leveling his revolver with a head and pulling the trigger. “The one who's been killing former Overwatch members. I was tracking him for a bounty and he came for me, him and that spider bitch.”
Chills raced down Angela's spin. The person she was the most worried about could be coming straight for them. She had read the reports of the deaths, and seen the pictures of what they looked like during autopsy.
There were barely any bodies left. All of the corpses had been obliterated. It looked like they had been through a woodchipper, only a few fingers still attached to what would be left of hands, only a few strings of muscle still clinging tightly to bones that were shattered beyond belief. They all looked like they had been decaying for months.
It was definitely motivation for her to not step too far out her line of work, to try and not draw attention to herself. But here she was, once again part of Overwatch, once again on a mission, and in the way of whatever he wanted. And in a bright and flashy angel suit. Honestly fuck this.
“We have a mission, and we must complete it. We were told of this operation for a reason, so we have to stop it.” Pharah declared, the others adding their agreements.
Reinhardt's shield had a rapidly forming crack right down the middle and he gripped his hammer tighter, “I can't hold it forever!”
“Let it down on my mark,” Pharah ordered as she reloaded her launcher and checked a remaining panel on the top of her shoulder, “we can't waste any more time! I'm going back in the air to try and slow their fleet!”
“No you are not!” Angela barked, glaring daggers at the woman and pulling her own pistol from it's holster, “The sniper is--”
“The sniper is busy dealing with Tracer and I trust her to take care of it! We aren't arguing over this, Mercy, I have to engage now or we might fall here!” She flicked her visor down and reached up to mute her coms, saying directly to Angela, “I'll be alright, trust me.”
With that she was gone, calling for Reinhard to drop his barrier. As soon as it was down Angela dove into a small alcove. She fired aimlessly and was surprised to hear some of her shots find their marks. Torbjörn yelled that their ground numbers were dwindling. Reinhardt swung his hammer forward and slammed it into the ground, the earth shattering before it and knocking Talon forces to the ground.
McCree was on the downed soldiers instantly, his revolver rapidly firing and landing headshot after headshot. The whole ordeal lasted only a few seconds but added a heaping pile of bodies to the collection around them. The sky above them was alight with rockets exploding, the loud and reverberating BOOMS of their contact with the ship shaking the ground.
“Gotta say, I'm pretty jealous of her,” McCree said with a chuckle, “but I suppose I don't like flying that much, never--” He was cut off by a loud TAK-TAK and his own shriek of pain. Angela turned in time to watch a clawed gauntlet grasp his cybernetic arm and pull it backwards, the metal bending as easily as rubber.
McCree was thrown to the ground, the dark figure behind him slamming a steel boot into his back and leaning towards the doctor. The moonlight cast a faint spotlight on the bone white, skeletal mask looking back at Angela. She stood paralyzed as a clawed hand reached forward and wrapped tightly around her neck, jerking her forward to painfully lean on the tips of her toes.
Reinhardt had his hammer raised, about to strike the figure when they lifted a shotgun and fired it into the crusader's side. He stumbled backwards, clutching his flank and losing his grip on his hammer. The hammer hit the ground with a resounding THUD and so followed it's wielder. Angela was shaking, tears beginning to form in her eyes from the smell of rotting flesh that emanated from the wraith before her. She was brought closer until she was bent nose to nose with The Reaper.
They stared back at each other in silence for what felt like hours, the screams of Torbjörn in Angela's coms lost to the blood roaring in her ears and the icy feeling in her limbs. The claws released her neck for a split second but caught her by the chin before she could fall forward, squeezing her face painfully but not enough to break the skin. She gasped for air but quickly closed her mouth, the smell of death so strong that she could taste it.
The Reaper spoke first in a harsh, grated voice. “Well well well, it's been a while, wouldn't you agree, Dr Ziegler?” He shook her slightly at her silence and leaned closer to growl in her face, “I'll give you more than you deserve and won't kill you where you stand just yet; I want to hear you plead for your pathetic, empty life.” A claw bore painfully into her lower lip, dragging at it roughly and breaking the skin.
She was shaken again but was only spurred into action by the shotgun that dug into the center of her chest. “W-who are you?” She could only whisper, her voice hoarse from fear and unable to hide it.
“You're asking the wrong questions, dear doctor.” The Reaper released her face and push her upright with his shotgun, leaving it at her chest and bringing a hand up to rest on the mask. “The question isn't who am I...but what have you made me into.” Angela's mind was racing at this, her stomach churning as The Reaper flicked a small corner of his mask up and began removing the whole thing.
Just before it could be removed, McCree rose up behind The Reaper and fired his revolver into his side. The Reaper howled in pain and harshly slapped Angela across the face as he went to the ground, claws tearing through the thin flesh of her face. His body dissipated into smoke and raced across the ground. The two watched in shock as the smoke rose up to reform back into The Reaper's cloaked form a few feet away, clenching and unclenching his clawed hands.
He glanced over his shoulder, mask still intact and said cryptically, “We'll meet again, and when we do I won't spare you any words, Goldilocks. You either, you damn ingrate.” Angela's stomach dropped out at the old nickname and The Reaper laughed at her reaction. His body slowly began to fade away until he was gone, his laugh carried away by the wind.
McCree winced as he stepped forward and gripped Angela's shoulder, “You alright?” She slowly nodded, half her face burning with pain and her lip steadily bleeding down her chin. Reinhardt's low groaning turning the two to look at him. “Help him first, I'll be fine with m'gimpy arm for now.” The cowboy said with a slight smile that vanishing into another wince as he tried to move his shoulder.
Angela had Reinhardt standing in a remarkable thirty seconds, his side still bleeding slightly under his shredded armor. “I don't want to hear an earful from you,” He waved her off as he leaned heavily onto his hammer, “I'll already be getting it from Torbjörn for wrecking my armor already. Speaking of, Torbjörn! How are things looking on your side?”
“The last are trying to retreat into my turret,” Torbjörn said, “all that looks to be left aside from a few stragglers are those ships.” Angela turned her gaze to the sky and watched Pharah's blip move further and further way and couldn't help the sense of dread filling her stomach. Tracer's blip was no longer moving.
“Tracer what is your status?” Angela asked in a panic. Her coms rustled and more gunfire could be heard over them.
There was a pain cry and Tracer yelped. Her blip had turned orange. Angela turned in time to watch Pharah's still blue blip vanish in a large ball of flames and fire. “Rocket barrage incoming!”
“Now there's a light show,” McCree said with a grin, the rockets and missiles illuminating the ship with the large scar he had been talking about. It began pulling away immediately, heading out towards the sea. “Looks like we sent them runnin'! This calls for a celebration!”
Angela was far from celebrating. Tracer wasn't responding and her blip was dangerously still. She opened her mouth to ask--
Crack
Gravity seemed to cease to be, all sound vanishing as Angela watched Pharah's red blip fall rapidly out of the sky. She was moving before realizing what she was doing, before the rational part of her brain could stop her from launching herself into the air.
Her wings spread and boosted her into the sky, her arms stretched out as far as possible as the blip grew bigger. Pharah's limp form was soon visible and Angela willed herself to move faster. She barely grabbed the woman's arm before she was immediately pulled into Pharah's downward spiral, momentum pushing them further out and away from land while sending them plummeting.
Angela managed to hold on long enough to gain enough speed to wrap her arms around Fareeha's form, ignoring the Raptora's painful edges and corners as she clung to the woman's back.
“Shit!
“Pharah! Mercy!”
“No!”
Angela could hear the voices in stereo, her coms painfully loud in her ears. “Come on,” She whispered to her suit, straining to keep her wings open against the harsh wind, “come on!” The synthetic muscle and tissue in her back was burning intensely, a knot beginning to form in the center of her shoulders. The pain ripped a yelp from her but she kept her wings open, feeling blood rolling down her chin from her lip.
The ocean they were rapidly approaching looked like thick, black blood to Angela. The water was choppy, debris from the ships floating along the surface and following the waves back to the cliff. There was no beach, no sand, just water that lead straight into stone.
She angled herself as best she could in an upright position and took a deep breath through the nose. Angela was in agony as she forced her wings to spread wider, catching air and pulling them backwards slightly and into a gentle glide. The knot in her back caused her to freeze up, her grip loosening on Fareeha's limp body and her vision blurring.
“No!” She gasped, her lungs stinging as she breathed. Her grip on Fareeha returned and the doctor could feel the muscles in her back tearing. Her head was pounding, instinct screaming at her to let the unconscious woman go, to end the torment. The sight of Fareeha's shattered visor, the sight of blood steadily flowing from her head, it was enough to keep Angela from acting upon those instincts. I am not losing anyone else, not now, not ever! I will not lose again! She thought in her head, her teeth grinding together and pain lessening with her new found will. Not her!
They hit the water harshly, but it was enough to save them from any severely broken bones. Angela knew she was badly bruised but ignored the pain by repeating her mantra to herself. Not her, not her, not her! The doctor struggled to pull Fareeha above water, the weight of her suit trying to pull her under. They finally crested the surface and Angela gasped for air, the soreness in her chest and back combined with the weight of the soldier in her arms threatening to pull her under again.
The waves pushed and pulled the two back and forth, taking them closer and closer to where land met sea. Angela couldn't help but curse at the rocks that rest in their path, managing to turn the two so that she would take the brunt force of them.
The first hit didn't hurt as much as she was anticipating but it still knocked the wind out of her. The way at which the Valkyrie suit's wings were sitting made it so that the painfully dug into their ports upon impact. Angela's gasp of pain lead to water rushing into her mouth and getting sucked into her lungs, the back of her throat burning as she tried to hack up the sea water.
The second hit came too soon for Angela to prepare for. The wings were shoved deeper into the ports, water sucked back into her airway, and this time she lost her hold on Fareeha. The woman vanished beneath the water's surface and Angela couldn't help her panic as she sank under to save her. Fareeha wasn't too far below, but Angela's limbs strained to keep hold of her and pull her up. She kicked with all her might, her lungs burning from the lack of oxygen and her eyes and lacerations stinging from the salt water.
A wave pushed them further apart and Angela struggled to turn to grab the woman again. Her arms reached out, about to grab onto the Raptora's wings when Angela was slammed into another rock. The ports gave way to the wings and they thrust into her back, ripping her skin in two and slashing her already torn muscles apart.
It felt like Angela had been struck by lightening. The pain consumed her, it filled her head to toe, it took her vision, her hearing – or was that the ocean? The ocean seemed so calm around her, so gentle the further she sank into it's warm embrace. Was it warm, or was she just chilled to the bone? She accepted the water filling her lungs, watching small bubbles that formed from her nostrils gracefully drift upwards.
It was so quiet, so calm. It was like the mornings she spent with Fareeha – Fareeha was beside her like she was those mornings. The woman would have looked so peaceful if not for the blood forming a crimson halo around her head in the water. She looked like she was sleeping, looked the same she had after those quiet mornings before she woke up and removed herself from Angela's chest.
Angela's chest felt warm now, like it was going to burn a hole straight through her. It should have been painful, but she felt so numb. It felt like when she was back in the garage, when she first encountered Mercy. She felt like she didn't feel, and that was okay. No one would mind if she rested, if she let her eyes close and let her mind wander.
Fareeha was with her, it would be okay. Fareeha was safe, Fareeha was warm. Fareeha was right beside her like she was when she came face to face with Mercy, like she was during those quiet mornings. Fareeha wouldn't leave her. And she wouldn't leave Fareeha. She would rest her eyes, embraced in Fareeha's warmth. She would rest and they would both wake in a few hours, together as they were when they fell asleep. With her... Angela's mind whispered for her as she let herself be held tightly by the ocean, as she sank further into the darkness.
It felt like thousands of hands were gripping her body, pulling her further down. Angela's whispers slowly became the whispers of those holding her, asking her again and again if she was breathing, if she deserved to ever breathe again. But she wasn't, and she wouldn't. And it was okay because Fareeha was with her.
The ghosts could take hold of her body and pull her further into their hold, they could rip into her flesh and tear her body apart. Mercy could descend upon her and remind her of all of the lives she took, could stare into her very soul with it's owlish eyes and consume her very soul, unravel her mind and leave her as empty as she deserved to be.
But it's okay...Fareeha is...Fareeha...I...
“Fareeha?” The door slowly creaked open, light sliding across the hardwood floor and revealing the small bundle of thick duvet resting beside the front door. Curled right next to the shoe rack, almost on the welcome mat, and clutching a small flashlight, she sat facing the door, not turning at the call of her name.
“Sweet pea?” Her father called again, kneeling beside her self-made den and pulling part of it back to reveal her. He raised an eyebrow at her with a smile and asked, “What are you doing out of bed, Reba? It's past eleven and you've got school in the morning.”
Fareeha glanced back at her father for only a moment before returning her gaze to the door, stating simply, “Mom isn't home yet.” Her father made noise of understanding and unwrapped the duvet further, slinging a corner around his shoulders and patting his leg. Fareeha moved to rest on him immediately, her flashlight blinding the two of them as she moved.
“If you're waiting for Mom, you'll be waiting for a while.” Her father said softly, “She's on an important mission with Uncle Jack and Uncle Gabe.”
Fareeha glanced up at her father with a perplexed look, “Mom's on a mission near the border of Spain and Portugal with Strike Commander Reyes and Second Commander Morrison to take back the ocean front from omnic forces. Suspected heavy push back from Titan units, newer models upgraded by the Ultimate Programs, or as the civies call them, God Programs. The mission should have end by thirteen hundred and her flight back should have landed by twenty-one hundred.”
Her father laughed, a rich sound that Fareeha felt in her chest. “You can remember all of this but you can't remember your ballet routine?” He laughed again, hugging her close and kissing the top of her head, “Never change, sweet pea.”
Fareeha made a face and groaned at the thought of her dance class, “I hate ballet. All of the other girls are weird.”
“Oh? How so?” Her father asked as he shifted slightly to lean against the wall.
She paused, trying to think of how to tell him what she felt without spilling all of the beans. “Everyone treats me different.” It wasn't a lie. They did treat her different. They would make fun of her hair beads, make fun of her strange accent, and everyone was shushed when talking about what the fun things their parents did with them. It was like they thought Fareeha couldn't understand the concept of having parents who were always present.
Her father sighed and nudged Fareeha to look at him. She turned, resting her head on his shoulder and looked up at him. He had scruff on his chin and jaw, his long hair pulled back hastily, almost falling out. His glasses rested low on his nose, enough to make him look like a wizened old man despite his young age.
“They just don't understand. Sometimes, people get mean towards things they don't understand, and they do and say things they don't really mean.”
“Is that why people are mean to the good omnics?” Fareeha asked softly, looking up at her father and awaiting his response.
He winced slightly and his brow furrowed, “I don't really know, sweet pea. It's hard to tell if a person is good or bad, and it's even harder to tell if an omnic is.” She frowned at this and her father continued, “But I believe that there are good omnics like there are good people. We see enough of the bad on TV not to hope that there's some good out there too.”
“Dad?” He hummed in response. “Are they good?” She motioned to the picture by the door of her mother and her comrades.
“Yes Fareeha, I think they are. Do you think they are good?” Fareeha paused, thinking hard about her answer.
“Well...I think that wars are bad. And that fighting in wars is bad too. But I don't think Mom's bad like the omnics are bad. But I also don't think she's...good?” She paused again and sat up, looking away and quietly admitting, “I wish she wouldn't fight in the war.”
Her father rested a hand on her shoulder and answered back in a similar tone, “I wish she didn't have to. But there are people and things in this world that...sometimes, people are...” He sighed and moved his glasses up to his forehead, looking into Fareeha's eyes with a strange look of longing on his face.
“Not every heart's the same, Fareeha. Sometimes the world is cruel to people, and that makes them sad. And sometimes people have so much sadness inside them that it turns to hurt and anger, and it makes them do cruel things in return.”
“Kind of like the girls in dance class?” Fareeha asked.
Her father chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, kind of like the girls in dance class.” He turned serious again and put a hand on her head, ruffling her hair. “But sometimes, that sadness doesn't turn to hurt or anger. Sometimes people stay sad and don't know how to be happy. That's what your mother is trying to fix, she's trying to show people how to be happy again by helping them.”
“I want to do that.” Fareeha said before repeating herself in a more confident voice, “I want to show people how to be happy. I don't want people to be sad, or hurt, or angry. I want everyone to be as happy as I am when Mom comes home! Or as happy as Uncle Gabe looks when Uncle Jack makes a joke! Or as happy as Mr. Reinhardt is all the time!”
Her father chuckled and looked down at her with a smile and watery eyes, “I hope you won't have to, that when you get big everyone will be as happy as you are. But don't forget, Fareeha, there are some people who only know how to be happy by hurting others.”
Fareeha wrapped her arms around her father's neck and clung to him tightly. “I won't hurt anyone, not ever. I'll be a hero someday, Dad, even better than Mom! I promise.”
“I don't doubt you, sweet pea. You're gonna change the world someday, and I'm going to be right here the whole time.”
“I wish Mom was here the whole time...” Fareeha's voice cracked, tears forming in her eyes.
Her father hugged her closer and asked softly, “She wishes she were too. Is there anything I can say to make you feel better?”
Fareeha let her tears slip down her cheeks as she answered, “She'll come back home, won't she?”
He tensed at this, his own voice wavering and barely there. “Of course, sweet pea. She loves you too much not to.”
Fareeha let her eyes close, let herself be held tightly. She didn't want to move, didn't want to leave. She never wanted to get up and out of the floor, and she never wanted to let go.
She gasped, her eyes snapping open to stare at a blurry blob of brown. Her ears felt stuffed, muting the voices yelling around her as she sat up quickly and turned to the side to vomit sea water. It burned horribly, her throat feeling like it would split in two by the time she had been reduced to spitting into the sand.
“-reeha?” She shook her head to try and clear her ears, warm water gushing out of one ear and granting her hearing once more. “Fareeha?” Jesse asked with a sniffle, and she turned to look at him.
He was a sight to see, hat off and hair wild. He had tears running down his face and snot in his mustache and beard. His arms immediately went around her and he sobbed out a few broken sentences into her head.
Fareeha pushed him away, slightly dizzy and uncomfortably sticky and cold. She then realized the top half of the Raptora suit had been ripped from her body, pieces of the armor laying around the two in the sand., the Caduceus staff a few feet away “W-what?” She asked hoarsely, struggling to speak with her scratched throat.
“You went down,” Jesse wiped at his face with his sleeve, “and you were just...gone. We couldn't find you n'I thought you was...” He sobbed again, his voice broken, “and Angie...”
Fareeha's eyes widened, her memory returning to her. She had been hit, she went down. A hand reached up to touch where the bullet hit her, her fingers meeting solid flesh and dried blood. It was healed but she could feel a scar across her temple that traveled into her hair.
“Where is she?” Fareeha asked, vaguely remembering her angelic form racing towards her before she passed out. Jesse began crying harder and Fareeha's stomach dropped out. “Jesse? Where is Angela?”
He glanced behind Fareeha and whispered, “They've been tryin' for a while...but she's just not...” Fareeha turned to gaze at the scene about a yard away.
Torbjörn's limb attachment had been thrown in the sand to the side, both hands pumping quickly onto Angela's chest. He tipped her head back, leaning forward to blow air into her mouth before returning to compressions. Reinhardt stood behind him cradling Lena in his arms, the crusader out of his armor and sopping wet. Angela lay unmoving.
Fareeha felt cold and numb. The Swiss woman's lips were blue, her skin an unhealthy pale. She wasn't moving. Neither was Fareeha.
Her world suddenly became only Angela's body and her own. Her ears weren't ringing, but something loud was booming far away as she stared. The explosions increased and she looked behind Angela to see a line where night became day.
Behind Angela looked warm, the sand looked more yellow, the explosions formed there. Behind Angela was Siwa. Behind Angela was Jalal.
He was the complete opposite of Angela. His body was dark, stained with blood, his lips were cracked from the heat. His eyes were open, only slightly, and he stared at her. His uniform was shredded, matching his flesh that was jutting out.
“It happened again.” She stated aloud. Her hands tightened painfully into fists, fingernails digging harsh crescents into her palm. “I did it again. I fucking did it again!” Tears were forming in Fareeha's eyes and she hunched over to rest her head in the sand.
Jesse gripped her shoulder and shook her, bringing her back to Illios and saying, “No, c'mon now, you can't blame yourself.” He sniffed and raised her to lean against him. His breathing hitched and he held her tighter and admitted, “You scared the shit outta me. I thought...” Jesse pulled back a little to look into Fareeha's eyes, snot welling in his nose again and more tears spilling down his cheeks. “I thought I lost m'lil sister.”
Fareeha hugged Jesse tightly, letting her own tears fall as her world came crashing down.
Is this how Angela feels when she says she doesn't deserve anything? It was a question and a thought that served her no good to ask, Angela was dead. She killed her like she killed Jalal. Angela told her to stay, told her no good would come of her fighting the Talon ships head-on. Jalal told her to go, told her no good would come of her as she was a selfish brute who didn't care about others.
But what was true now? Fareeha learned to care about others, to put aside the mission to take care of her own. That's what she was doing when she took to the skies. No, I did it for the mission. The realization hit, a chilling thought that she finally realized about herself.
She did it for the mission under the guise that if she were to die no one else would have to in her place. She was reckless because if anyone were to die, it should be her. Fareeha went back into the air hoping she would be shot down, hoping that she wouldn't have to spend another morning looking in the mirror and not seeing herself.
Who Fareeha was was a blurred line. Where did Ana Amari's only child start and the highly esteemed soldier begin? Were there even things in between, was she – could she – be anything more to anyone?
Overwatch told her that she was the next generation of heroes when she was younger. The army told her she was just another able body with a gun when she enlisted. Helix told her she was one of the greatest security chiefs they had when she returned from missions. Jalal told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world when he had first kissed her.
Jalal had made her feel like more than what she felt. He made her feel like an individual person, not a spare Ana Amari or a spare soldier or a spare security chief. When he died – when she killed him, she no longer felt like an individual. Fareeha could never say the same things he said herself and believe them, it all felt empty. Convincing herself she was worth anything other than to replace the fallen wasn't worth the effort and wasted time.
Fareeha accepted her fate. Accepted the fact that she'd never actually be Fareeha, that she'd always be the shadow of Ana Amari, legendary sniper, war hero, founder of Overwatch. She forced herself to conform to the shape of her mother, forced herself to carry herself to the higher standard, to the arrogance her mother had shown.
If her mother had been more than that it didn't matter. Ana had laughed in the face of danger, so must her daughter. Ana had boasted about her natural talent and prowess on the battlefield, so must her daughter. Ana had been a pillar of strength and never showed weakness, so must her daughter. Ana had died fighting, so must her daughter.
Fareeha was worthless unless she conformed. The chance to unravel her own fate, to find herself, had been lost to the years. She had been held to such a height that if she were to fall she would never rise again.
But Fareeha had fallen. When she lost Jalal, when she lost Okoro and Khalil, when she lost so many men due to her jadedness. And she was falling again because Angela was gone.
Angela made Fareeha stop seeing herself as her mother, made her feel like she had the right to be Fareeha and only Fareeha. Angela opened her heart and let her confess what she felt, Angela let her feel. Angela told her she was worth living for herself, told her that she was warm and safe and comforting.
Angela made Fareeha feel like she could stop acting and just live. Fareeha wanted to stop acting and just live. But how could she possibly live knowing that she causes so much pain? It would have been better if her mother had lived, if Fareeha had listened to the voice in her head that told her to eat lead.
Fareeha wouldn't be in so much pain right now if she wasn't alive. She wouldn't be in so much pain if Angela was still breathing.
She sobbed into Jesse's neck, clinging tightly to him and refusing to let go. It didn't seem real. I couldn't be real. Who was she suppose to talk to now, who was she suppose to eat sweets with and watch kids films with? Who was she suppose to care about now, who was she suppose to love?
Fareeha gasped at the thought, her chest constricting at her revelation. Did she love Angela? She loved how untamable her hair seemed to be. She loved how passionate she'd get when discussing travel. She loved how little wrinkles would form around her eyes when she smiled.
It didn't feel like the love she had felt in previous relationships. That sort of love was only for how physically satisfying her partners could be and the praise she received from them. That kind of love was hollow and had no ground to stand on, and that's why Fareeha never stayed. Her mother taught her that lesson well.
Angela was so easy to love, but not in any way Fareeha had loved before. Perhaps it had to do with how backwards their relationship had begun. Perhaps it had to do with how shattered they both were. There were endless possibilities, but they couldn't stop the conclusion she came to. Fareeha loved Angela for making her want to live.
But what was the point now? Fareeha became acutely aware at Jesse's Peacekeeper in it's holster. It was loaded, it was always loaded. She was faster than Jesse, it could be done in seconds. No, he's suffered enough. A soft voice whispered in her ear, Angela's voice, So have you. And you will continue to until you die.
The soldier detached herself from the cowboy and slowly rose to her feet, her body shaking from the chill she couldn't rid herself of. Fareeha watched Torbjörn try again and again, breathing air into Angela's lungs one last time.
He sat back, his expression eerily neutral. Lena held her bomber jacket out to him and he took it without looking at her. The jacket was gently spread over Angela's face and Torbjörn turned his back on the scene, walking a few paces down the beach. He didn't make it but just more few steps before he collapsed to his knees, hunched in the sand and unmoving.
Fareeha returned her gaze to Angela – to the body. It wasn't Angela. Angela was dead because of her.
Death shouldn't bother her, she's been surrounded by it since she was born. Fareeha was born in death and she has lived in death. The first time it staggered her, threw her into a mindless realm of unpassing time was when she received the news that her mother had been killed in action.
She knew deep down that her mother wouldn't want her to mourn, that she'd want her to continue forward and not look back. But Fareeha barely knew her mother and would never have the chance to.
It seemed like Fareeha knew Angela for a lifetime despite the short three months spent together. And despite being surrounded by friends, by family, Fareeha was alone once again. She had strayed away from faith long ago, but perhaps it was just God's will that she be alone for forever.
Maybe she deserved to be. She was always so angry for no reason, would become filled with rage over the smallest things and lash out at people. She lashed out to Angela more than once, so maybe this was the chain reaction.
But she shouldn't dwell on the past. She was the new Ana Amari, and she had to move on.
Her feet carried her to her discarded armor, collecting the scratched metal plates and tucking them under her arms. Fareeha picked up her helmet last and turned to Jesse. “The mission is over. We need to leave.” He stared up at her in confusion and disbelief.
The hurt on his face should have affected her, but Fareeha let herself be numb. When Jesse didn't move she left him, walking past him and away from the scene. Her rocket launcher wasn't among her things, probably lost to the sea. It was a shame, she would have loved to do nothing more than fire it at her own chest just so she could feel anything. Another shame that she'd have to wait to feel until they were back in Gibraltar where her combat knife await her in it's case, tucked under her bed.
It was a feeling returned to her, it didn't make her feel anything but ashamed of herself, but it was better than feeling like wood.
Fareeha stopped walking when Lena suddenly cried out. It wasn't a cry of pain or sorrow, but of surprise. Fareeha turned to look over her shoulder in time to watch the body slowly raise into a sitting position.
The jacket slid off, eyes slowly blinking and fingers gradually moving. A hand was raised to her nose and came away bloody, Angela's eyebrows narrowing at the sight. “Wh-what happened?” She asked slowly, her accent thick and her voice gravelly.
Fareeha stood still as everyone else surrounded the Swiss woman. She felt frozen to the spot as she watched the dead woman look around the group in confusion. Blue eyes met brown, and Fareeha could feel again. She could feel the guilt and shame inside her, but the relief she felt overpowered them in the moment. She collapsed to the ground, body shaking from more than the cold as she wailed into her hands.
She couldn't remember boarding the ORCA, couldn't remember who gave her a paper cup of hot tea, couldn't remember being swaddled like a baby in a thick blanket.
She could remember Angela's corpse laying in the sand now sitting beside her with a similar paper cup and thick blanket.
Angela's nose was still bleeding, tissues stuffed up her nostrils to try and staunch the flow. She looked exhausted, dark bags under her eyes and her face a little whiter, but she was breathing. She was here. Fareeha wasn't alone.
Fareeha wanted to ask how the hell Angela had suddenly risen from the dead but couldn't move her tongue. She felt horrible, her head pounding and throat sore from sea water and crying. Her entire body ached with every move and her stumps were cramping fiercely. She could barely sit up in the small booth seat the two were currently resting on, but it was alright as they were supporting each other.
Angela leaned against Fareeha's shoulder and Fareeha leaned against Angela's head. Reinhardt said it was best for them to stick together to try and conduct more heat but they would have been together despite it.
It would be just around three in Gibraltar if the clock above Angela's head was right. Fareeha pulled her arm out of her blanket and and carefully placed it around the blonde. Angela sighed and snuggled into the hold, her cold nose poking Fareeha in the neck.
“I was so scared.” Angela whispered, “I thought I lost you.”
Fareeha still couldn't bring herself to speak. Whether it was her exhaustion or her fear of confessing her feelings, she responded by pulling Angela closer and closing her eyes.
She was in pain, physically, mentally, emotionally. But she was alive. They were both alive. That made it worth the pain to Fareeha.
Their tea had been set on the table before them, one blanket being discarded in favor of one. Angela lay back on the seat, Fareeha following her and resting her head on the blonde's collarbone. She nearly rose at Angela's wince but was halted by a hand in her hair keeping her where she was. “It's alright. It's just my back, it's still repairing itself.” Angela softly said.
Fareeha narrowed her brows at the words. Repairing itself? It spurred more questions she was itching to have answered. But she still couldn't speak, was still too numb to make any noise. So Fareeha let Angela's fingers gently massage her scalp as she slowly drifted off. They were alive, they were safe, they were together.
There was nothing to be feared when Angela held Fareeha. Not her legacy, not Siwa, not death. There were so many emotions felt when Angela held Fareeha and it all culminated into one thought, one word.
Home.
“-so there I was, surrounded by three, no, four bandits.” Jesse held his fork up like he was looking down the sights of Peacekeeper and continued his story, “I told'em I'd give'em a chance to turn tail and turn themselves into to the local sheriff, but they weren't havin' it. Tried to act all tough and barred their teeth at me.”
Fareeha had her cheek against her fist, listening half-heartedly to the cowboy's tall-tale as she pushed a rather large chunk of chicken around her bowl of soup. Lena had already burned through four bowls of the stuff and had been eyeballing Fareeha's for a while, but she was thankfully distracted by Jesse.
Distraction was welcomed by everyone since Illios. Fareeha, for example, had distracted herself by spending the past week in the armory with Torbjörn arguing over how to repair the Raptora.
She was hellbent on repairing it herself with the small kit she took from Helix, but the Swede continuously insisted upon helping. Having to explain the difference between the high octane graphene primary layer and the carbon fiber under armor for what felt like the millionth time was highly grating on Fareeha's nerves. She would have thought he'd know all of this but he continued to ask the same questions over and over again.
When she would reach her boiling point with Torbjörn she would go to the gym to try and blow off steam. She was usually alone, thank god, but earlier her workout had been interrupted by Angela.
The doctor still hadn't fully explained herself for what the hell happened in Illios, always giving vague answers about the Valkyrie suit or the development of her nanites before whisking herself away to do something in her office. It made frustrated Fareeha to no end, but she kept reminding herself that no matter what had happened, it was a harsh thing Angela went through and shouldn't have to be pushed to talk about. That Fareeha knew from experience.
Angela entering the gym was a surprise to say the least, and Fareeha nearly dropped the weights she was lifting on her own foot when Angela walked around to get her attention. The admittance to herself that she felt something for the doctor intensified even more at that moment, and Fareeha kicked herself for not noticing the fact that she always felt like this.
Fareeha avoided Angela like the plague when it came to the gym solely because she couldn't stop looking at her. Angela always wore the same salmon coloured tank top that showed off the multitude of scars up and down her arms and shoulders as well as a few freckles. She always wore the same grey leggings that made Fareeha realized just how wide her hips and thighs were. But worst of all, Angela always wore thin rimmed, round glasses and had enough bobby pins to hijack a commercial airliner in a failed attempt to pin her bangs back.
In conclusion, Fareeha found Angela insanely adorable, so much so that upon first viewing she did drop a weight on her foot. She couldn't get enough of the look of the usually smartly dressed doctor and, although she would never in her life admit it, couldn't take her eyes off Angela as she did her workout. The first time Fareeha helped Angela with her form for squatting she thought she was going to pass out.
And so she decided for the sake of decency to work out whenever Angela wasn't. Fareeha had slapped herself plenty of times over how childish it was. She was a soldier, she was used to working out with other well-fit bodies and not feeling flustered. But upon further thought maybe well-fit was the key. Angela didn't have a body that was hard with muscles, which threw Fareeha for a loop.
So when Angela was suddenly in front of her in her usual work out clothing, Fareeha's mind began struggling to find a reason to leave. Angela motioned for her to take her earphones out and Fareeha obeyed, raising a questioning brow.
“Haven't seen you in here in a while! Well, I see you leaving occasionally.” She cleared her throat and motioned to weight bench, “I was wondering if you'd help me. It's, uh, been a while.”
Fareeha nodded and followed her to the bench, stopping and narrowing her brows. “Are you sure you should be bench pressing? Torbjörn told me that the Valkyrie suit's wings were stabbed into your back, you couldn't have fully healed in just a week even with nanites.”
Angela opened and closed her mouth and Fareeha folded her arms across her chest, “How are you even here?” She hesitated a moment before forcing herself to come out with it, “You died, Angela. So how are you alive right now?”
The Swiss woman lowered her gaze and sat on the bench, clasping her hands together and sighing. “A few years into my time in Overwatch I had a theory about nanites. They can't exist inside the body for long before they try and 'repair' what isn't broken and begin eating away at the flesh. That's why I developed them to decay themselves and be destroyed by white blood cells.”
Angela paused and rubbed her hands up and down her arms as if cold, still not meeting Fareeha's gaze. “My theory was this: what if I could find a way to merge a nanite with a white blood cell? That way instead of destroying flesh after healing it could assist in fighting off infection. The first few tests weren't as successful as I had hoped, but I needed results.”
She bit her lip and softly admitted, “I...may have jumped through a few hoops to achieve what I wanted. I won't go into the details of it, but in summary: I found a way to keep nanites in a body without decay and without fusing them. They're less sentient than normal nanites and they can't be used as actively because of this. It...takes them a while to 'warm up', but after a short period they are able to repair more than regular nanites.”
Fareeha's chest felt a little tighter at the knowledge and she slowly asked, “So you have nanites that live in your body all the time?” Angela nodded. “And they...resurrected you?”
“I wouldn't call it that!” Angela quickly said, “It's not that simple, there's an order to how they operate that's at least a mile long, but it's not like that!”
Fareeha made a face and couldn't help but laugh. “I'm sorry, but you were dead. Not breathing, gone. And then you're suddenly back to life, poof, no big deal? That's not being resurrected?”
Angela's voice was small as she asked, “Please don't call it that.” Fareeha frowned at this but didn't say anything. “I never intended for it to be like this. I just wanted to stop soldiers from coming back in body bags. I just wanted the nanites to be able to instantly heal wounds instead of having to be inserted directly via the Caduceus staff or other conductors.”
“The truth is, I don't know. I have no idea what this,” Angela articulated by holding her hands out in front of herself, “is. The only thing I know is that I've successfully Frankensteined myself and I don't know how the hell to fix it.” She laughed bitterly and formed fists, “Guess it's what I get, what a cruel but fitting punishment for playing God, huh?”
Fareeha felt guilty for asking but more so for upsetting the woman. “Angela, I'm sorry.” She moved to sit beside her on the bench, their thighs barely touching. It took her a moment to bring herself to confess, and when she did it all came out at once.
“I thought someone else I cared about died because I fucked up. When I came to on the beach and saw you lying there it felt like the whole world ended. I didn't know if I could go on, or where to go from there.”
Angela took Fareeha's hand and laced their fingers together, nodding for her to continue. “Angela I...” She trailed off, hesitant to say what she wanted to. Fareeha had said the words 'I love you' so many times to so many people that it didn't feel enough, like it wasn't special enough.
She didn't even know if this was what love was. Fareeha had rushed into so many relationships in a search to feel some form of closeness and Angela deserved more, deserved better. Yes, Fareeha felt love for Angela, but whether or not it was the same love her parents had – a love that vanished after time – or the love the children's movies sang about Fareeha didn't know.
So she told her in the most honest way she could. “I don't want to lose you.” Fareeha whispered, tightening their hand hold and looking into blue eyes, “I don't want to hurt you either, and I'm sorry if I pushed too much. Thank you for telling me, I see now how hard it was to.”
Angela smiled and sighed in relief, “I've never told anyone about it before. I think Torbjörn knows because he's a parent and what doesn't he know about me at this point?” She reached up to remove her glasses and sternly said, “I'm not going to lose or hurt you either, Fareeha. But you have to stop being so damn reckless. Would it kill you to listen to me when I tell you to stay put?”
“Guess we'll have to find out.” Fareeha said with a smirk, Angela shaking her head and laughing. They were so close, Fareeha noticed, inches apart. It would be so easy to close the distance and kiss her with the passion and emotion Fareeha was feeling right now. But that wasn't what Angela deserved, she decided, Angela deserved better.
“You look like you're thinking too much,” Angela squeezed her hand, bringing her out of her thoughts.
Fareeha couldn't help but turn the charm on and raise her eyebrows, “If thinking about you is too much then guilty as charged.” Angela covered her mouth to stifle her chortle, her eyes bugging out slightly as she snorted into her laugh. This caused her to laugh harder and snort a few more times, Fareeha grinning big.
“You snort!” Fareeha laughed in return and Angela quickly bat her on the shoulder and denied it furiously.
“If you tell anyone...” Angela began before laughing again and shaking her head, “oh I don't know what I'll do, but you'll regret it.”
The challenge spurred Fareeha on, curiosity to see the doctor do her worse leading to Fareeha reenacting it all to Jesse hours later. He appreciated it greatly, already creating four new jokes by the time he stopped laughing.
Which is why when Angela entered the rec room to get herself a bowl of soup, Fareeha nudged Jesse and nodded towards the doctor. He grinned and winked at her in understanding, halting his story to wave to the blonde. “Well, you're just the porcine I was looking for, Angie! C'mon and sit down here next to me, I promise I won't boar you to death!”
Fareeha had taken to biting her lip to keep herself from openly laughing, Lena raising an eyebrow but laughing cautiously. Angela only stared.
“What's the hold up?” Jesse asked, leaning across the table, “Don't tell me you're piggy about where you sit!” He sealed Fareeha's fate when he pushed his nose up and gave out a loud snort.
Angela's face went beet red and the cowboy laughed, wiping his eyes and waving his hands, “Wait, please God, wait just a second before you hog-tie me, I got more!”
Her death glare turned to Fareeha and it suddenly wasn't funny anymore to the Egyptian.
Angela walked past the table, pausing to lean down and whisper in Fareeha's ear. “I'm going to make you regret this, Fareeha Almas Amari.” Color drained from Fareeha's face and Angela took notice with a cheeky grin, “Uh oh, didn't think I'd abuse power and dig into your personal file, eh? I play dirty, something you probably should have known before you started this.”
She walked out of the room with a little wave and a smile that was pure evil, “Have a good lunch, Jesse, Lena, Reba.”
Jesse was on Fareeha instantly, “Reba? Reba?” She couldn't hide her blush if she tried.
Lena grabbed Jesse's arm tightly and wheezed out, “R-Reba McEntire!” The two were gone, tears forming in their eyes.
Fareeha pushed her soup around it's bowl and mumbled under her breath, “You mispronounce your own name once and your family never lets it go.”
“Wait, you mispronounced your own name?!” Jesse gasped, Fareeha quickly reeling back to try and explain herself.
“I was barely talking when it happened! I wasn't even two and I couldn't say 'Fareeha'! It's a hard name!”
The gunslinger shook his head and wiped his eyes, “Oh lord, I think I'm gonna puke. That's funnier then a cat with a 'tater chip bag on it's head.
Okay, so maybe I thought wrong. Fareeha thought to herself as she shoved Jesse roughly with a smile of her own, Maybe I don't love Angela after all...
As she ate her soup she couldn't help but smile to herself, remembering the way Angela said her full name. Despite being said as a threat, it sounded so lovely in that Swiss German accent. It was a lovely sound Fareeha would gladly accept ridicule for if it meant she could hear it again.
...but then again what the hell do I know?
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songketalliance · 7 years
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Caring For The Deeply Forgetful
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by Hau
We expect people to grow old and forgetful. However, there’s a type of forgetfulness which is abnormal and tears at the fabric of your daily life. It is a forgetfulness that reduces grown men and women into infants in their final days.
This forgetfulness is known medically as dementia. It can strike anyone above the age of fifty, as it had my father.
Pa is slowly losing all his memories. He is convinced that I, the eldest, am 16 years old, my younger sister is 18, and my younger brother is 14 years old. We are actually all in our twenties. Some days, he thinks he has one child, sometimes four.
Pa used to work with computers, yet today I have more skill in switching on the laptop in the dark than he can in broad daylight with the laptop on his lap. He used to be literate, but he can no longer say his ABCs.
He began to forget switching off the lights. He began to forget to flush and wash his hands. He began walking in and out of the bathroom in two minutes, believing he was done showering when he had actually forgotten to shampoo his head and body, his towel bone dry.
He cannot find where his clothes are anymore, even though the closet is less than one meter away.
He began to forget that he needed to go to the toilet; that he cannot walk as fast as he used to. He shuffled, too late, urine running down his legs, for far more times than I can count. He forgets to tell us that he soiled his trousers, leaving our noses to do the guesswork for him.
My mother is his primary caregiver now. She helps him shower and guides him by the hand if he wakes up in the middle of the night and needs the toilet. We children try to help as much as we can, and we give him his multiple pills for dementia, cholesterol and high blood pressure, one by one, reminding him to drink some water to swallow each pill.
His forgetfulness is a very real thing in our lives. Paradoxically, many people we talk to find it hard to grasp and distinguish the severity of his forgetfulness as compared to the normal forgetfulness associated with aging.
As Pa had been struck with dementia from a relatively young age of sixty instead of ninety, the comments we receive have been unintentionally cruel. Older people who are still blessed with their mental faculties question us, saying, “How can he be that forgetful? I’m much older than him, and I can still drive and take care of myself! Try getting him to bathe, clothe and dress himself – he could be like this because you all spoil him too much.”
Other people become doctors overnight after hearing Pa’s condition. They recommend us Chinese medicine doctors, extra virgin coconut oil and quirky exercise videos that are one hundred percent guaranteed to cure Pa’s medical condition. One or two people even suggested that his severe forgetfulness came from black magic.
Sometimes the ignorance that comes spewing out of people’s mouths cuts me more than having to watch Pa deteriorate. He did not have a choice in his suffering, but people have a choice in whether or not to remain ignorant about dementia.
Pa genuinely cannot function like how you would expect a 65 year old man to function. In 2013, he took the Mini Mental State Examination, one of the tests neurologists and psychiatrists use to assess whether a patient has mental impairments*. The questions may seem unbelievably easy, but Pa only managed to score 19 points. Today, we cannot even test him because he misunderstands the instructions, and he would not be able to tell you today’s date.
Furthermore, neurologists and psychiatrists diagnosed Pa, and they studied medicine for years to reach that stage. They would know if there is a cure for this disease that robs you of your memories and reduces you into a shadow of what you were.
Tragically, there is no cure. Dementia is similar to some strains of cancer which no amount of chemotherapy will solve. The person deteriorates and may pass away from complications arising from the disease.
In the meantime however, all I ask from our community is the priceless gift of understanding.
What I appreciate about Bruneian society is its kindness. If a person had physical impairments and is being pushed around in a wheelchair, people offer help, otherwise they try not to stare. They will never in their wildest dreams chide the person with physical impairments for not trying hard enough to be independent and whole again. Dementia and other mental disorders are a different beast which do not usually manifest themselves physically. If you can remember that a person with dementia is as ill as a person with a broken leg, it is enough.
Even though dementia awareness is still dim in our society, there is a blessed space in Brunei which gives this gift of understanding to Pa each time he visits - Pusat Amal Cerah Sejahtera in Subok.
The hardworking and compassionate nurses and doctors organize activities for Pa and other patients with dementia. While their activities such as light exercise, colouring, creating cards, and baking won’t cure dementia, it is a safe space for them to engage, make mistakes and do things they normally would be reluctant to engage in without peer support. Even though Pa exits the room forgetting what he had done that day, he exits with a small spring in his shuffling steps for here is a safe, non-judgmental environment for him and people like him.
I hope that awareness of dementia and its impact on the patients will be more widespread in Brunei, so that Pa and others suffering from the disorder can feel safe and accepted wherever they go.
by Hau
*You can take the Mini Mental State Examination here.
Picture credit: Hau
Interested in contributing to Songket Alliance? E-mail us at [email protected] with your ideas or article.
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Fear and Manifestation
Recently, I’ve realized something about myself. That all the failed relationships I've been in haven’t been the guys fault.........IT WAS MY FAULT!!!
Here’s why it was my fault. 
See, I've always a fear of being alone. And with that fear, came secondary fears, like fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, and fear of not being chosen. Now how did this translate to my personal life; when I would meet a guy, I would instantly go into “RUSH” mode. Meaning, I was in a hurry to show him that I am good enough to be chosen as his girlfriend. I did any and everything I thought a man would want his girlfriend to be. Now early on, I knew that cooking and sex were important, however, as I’ve gotten older, I discovered more things that a man desires in a girlfriend and potentially a wife outside of food and sex. And I tried desperately to became those things. At least, that’s what I thought. 
Well, what I’ve discovered, is that what I was doing was appearing desperate. Men would be enjoying the process of getting to know me, so would I. But after a few weeks, or months, I start asking the question, what are we doing, are we in a  relationship, etc. And ladies, let me say this, if a guy is really feeling you and wants to continue getting to know you, or getting all the perks of a relationship, until it becomes deemed as a responsibility. It was revealed to me by a male friend that once the fun is over, guys who have been married before or in long-term relationships, will either pull and run, or just start to pull back, in hopes you get the pictures and pump the brakes.  He said men would question why was in such a hurry for titles and marriage. My response was I’m not getting any younger, I didn’t want to marry for the first time as a 80 year old woman, etc etc etc.To a man, who, again has been married before, this is a scary situation and as my friend said it, its not fun anymore. Men who are dating, are dating for fun, not for marriage, initially. Marriage is a result of a wonderful, fun woman, who has made life really easy going, not a lot of drama, just lots of smooth sailing. When I would rush, i was forcing a man to do something he wasn’t ready to do and it sucked all the fun out of our dating situation. Here it is, i think I’m showing them a great woman, wifey potential, etc; all I was telling them, no screaming was MARRY ME NOW!!!!!!!!! My friend explained that once titles are given and labels are assigned, responsibility comes in and pushes fun right out the door. They know that during the committed relationship phase, all you’re thinking about is marriage, marriage,marriage. Did I mentioned, marriage. 
This too, became an Ah HA moment. Where I never once thought I was sucking the life out of a relationship. I figured, I’ll just give things a little nudge in the the relationship direction and for man, it felt like I was pushing him to the tip of a cliff but demanding he not fall off. It was a lot of pressure to make a move the guy wasn’t ready to make just yet. And most likely, had I just relaxed and enjoyed the process, I may have chosen as someone wife, who knows. But what I know now, is men aren’t in a rush to marry or being in committed relationships. And now I can appreciate a man wanting to move slow. I used to feel that if he moved too slow, it would never happen and I needed to get things moving fast. That if too much time past, he may loose interest and go somewhere else. And listening to those romantic stories of how the guy knew in a few weeks, this was the woman he wanted to marry and profess his eternal love too. Yeah, that didn’t help things either. Not to mention, when most of your girlfriends are married or engaged, you tend to want to be able to be apart of the club too. 
What my friend also explained, is that I was coming off as if I just wanted any man, didn’t matter who, just to hurry up and get married. And to a man who has been married before, the red flags where waving violently. Now, that may not have been the case, but that is was the perception that I was putting out there. This made the men I’ve encountered feel as if I wasn’t choosing them because they meant something special to me, it made them feel like they were in a “INSERT MAN HERE” situation. Additionally, I was already to claim relationship and most of the time, I didn’t really know much about them. Like, as soon as they showed interests, I would grab them by the arm and say YOU MY MAN NOW, lol. It seems funny now, but at the time, it was causing some great guys to run for the hills. And I never knew why...until now. 
I’m dating this wonderful man, who is about 75% of everything I've ever wanted in a man. He is kind, funny, handsome, employed, responsible, loves his children, a leader, very masculine, intelligent, sexy, strong, we have a lot of the same interest, etc etc. However, I was in rush mode and it happened to be at the same time my best friend was getting prepared for her wedding. My guy explained that during this time, I seemed to be really hung up on titles and where the friendship was headed. He said he was really enjoying getting to know me and when I started pushing, he started to fall back. He didn’t do what most men have done in my past and fall back into the black abyss where there is no cell phone service, he actually fell back little by little. Then I started complaining about us not spending enough time together, why weren’t we having sex anymore, why has he stopped being available for me. I had no idea what was going on, the only thing I knew was that he was doing what every man in my past has done, RUN. However, he did it in stages, first, he stopped being as available for dates (because I planned most of them and never gave him the opportunity to plan anything, except maybe his exit). Then, the sex slowly became non-existent then he stopped calling and texting as much. And that’s when I totally lost my damn mind!!!! That”s when I reacted to the fear of him leaving in a extremely immature way. I was calling him non-stop, texting him. And when he didn’t respond, I was accuse him of being with other women. Because, in my pee brain, that was the only reason I could think of for his behavior. Never once considering that it was me. I was pushing him away and he just wanted some space hoping I would get the hint and slow down.  
Even after I had my epiphany about the fear and revealed it to him, he was still open to the potential of us, if I slowed down. And here I go again, wanting to know if I still had a title (which I never had officially anyway, I made it up in my head) or where we dating. Let me explain, I am a extremely literal person, so if someone doesn’t answer yes or no to a yes or no question, their explanation becomes confusing to me. So, he basically just says that he wants to continue to getting to know me and growing together and he isn’t seeing anyone else nor does he desire to. And my literal behind, didn’t understand that he was saying yes in a way that I was his girlfriend, however, as I stated above, men are weary of giving titles, so he just would repeat that he wasn’t seeing anyone else and doesn’t want to. And I still didn’t get it, smh. I kept pushing for him to give me a definite answer and he got frustrated. That was 2 days ago. No communication from him since. I’m not sure where his mind is or if he is still willing to still hang in there with me. And, honestly I can’t fear that he won’t. I have to accept the consequences of my actions and just let the chips fall where they may. Doesn’t hurt any less but its a lesson I needed to learn. And have needed to learn for almost 2 decades. I am proud that I was able to accept the truth of why I’ve been single for all these years and able to acknowledge that it wasn’t always the guys I was dating, it was me that would cause a comfortable situation into a very messing, uncomfortable thing. My need to control the outcome, my need to love with limitations and conditions and not allowing men to get to know my greatness organically and in time; was all from my fear of being alone. 
So, after 20+ years of singleness and several failed relationships, I’ve finally got it. Finally know why I can’t seem to keep a guy around. And its not because I’m not this awesome super chick that men dream about (because clearly, I am what all men what, IJS). It was due to my fears and those fears manifested the very thing I feared.....BEING ALONE. So now I have to reprogram my entire life. Its not easy, trust me. Its similar to a drug addict trying to quit drugs cold turkey (without the symptoms of withdraw). I’ve learned so much about the power of the mind, and how what you think, feel and say will become your reality. And sometimes, when things are said and felt, its hard to undo what you’ve originally manifested. I know now that I am a great person and a phenomenal woman, and yest any man who locks me down, is getting something spectacular. I just have to allow the guy to get to know this on his own, without force and without pressure. I really wish I could go back and undo a lot. I may be the cause of several men not wanting to even deal with the drama of a relationship, because what I’ve been doing for decades, other women have been doing as well. 
So ladies, if you’ve been where I’ve been, and men keep running from you and your don’t know why. Do some self evaluation. I mean for real. Ask good friends to be honest  and give their opinion of whats they feel is the reason. You may not want to hear the trust, but the trust can save you from years worth of loneliness and hurt. I hope my experience can help someone out there. I pray I haven’t lost my opportunity to be grow with this wonderful man, sigh
I’ll still hold a candle of hope for my situation..........
To be continued............................................
LOVE AND LIGHT
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hmsindecision · 7 years
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Submitted to me, and presented without my commentary:
hi. I just saw your message to hmsindecision and though I know you’ve seen her reply, I feel like she was..not too nice about it, but she didn’t really drive the point home about how hurtful and harmful your statement was. I think she was trying to not start a fight, but I don’t feel like you understand just how fucked up what you said was.
particularly “And duh a person with female anatomy will probably want penetration at some point. Things go INTO a vagina…it has nothing to do with being a lesbian or not.”
though I am a lesbian, I spent my entire life terrified of piv. I was told from the moment I could understand that girls find husbands and have their children. that that’s just what girls do, and anyone who doesn’t has something wrong with them, is a drain on society, a crazy person (or not a person at all, as a girl’s only worth is producing sons), and not someone “proper people” want to associate with.
and thing is, that was only referring to the “crazy cat lady”-type people, not lesbians, because they knew if they even mentioned lesbianism being a thing it would give us ideas, so we’re only told to make sure we find good husbands so we don’t become spinsters and crazy ladies who’s only companionship is 30 cats who will inevitably eat her corpse when she dies alone in her home where no one else cares about her. (literally things neighbors of mine said to me when I was between 5-7, and tbh, with it being the deep bible belt, that wasn’t even close to the worst thing I was told)
so I spent my entire life up to 17 believing that there was no other option. I was ether to be trapped in a marriage with a man who raped me on a regular basis, somehow find a guy who would be ok with basically not ever having sex with me (because they only teach us about piv and oral, both things that make me physically ill to think about), or become a crazy cat lady and spend my life alone and die alone.
and I honestly had to think about what was worse, having companionship, not only someone who would love me, but an entire family and society who would accept me, but be repeatedly raped, or being completely abandoned by society and quite possibly my family, but not having to endure being raped repeatedly for however many years I could stand it. in the end, I chose to be alone, and I did my absolute best to romanticize the hell out of that, believing that I could be ok, even if the only love and warmth I ever got was from a bunch of cats and if my only redeeming qualities being that I’d have the best house every Halloween, dressed as a witch with all my black cats and a cauldron full of full-sized candy.
I had to believe that was enough, because I had tried penetrating myself, with my fingers or my mother’s tampons or just things I’d found around the house and thought might be ok, and it was awful
it felt awful, it felt alien, and only my fingers ever fit, and only to a point. it seems there’s a ring right at the opening that is too small for even a tampon (which I also can’t stand) to fit, and from there I was absolutely terrified. still am tbh, only without the anxiety about feeling forced to.
cause I knew it’d be incredibly painful to have piv (as that was the common belief, even for women who are into men, everyone was told it’d hurt at least the first time if not every once in a while), and I never ever wanted it or anything like it, but I didn’t believe I’d ever truly get the option not to. my mom loves kids and put pressure on my as a child to give her grandchildren, all of society had been grooming me into becoming a proper wife to a man, and as I got older I started to believe that I could never escape escape it, that all that romanticizing being a crazy cat lady was for nothing because the reality was so much worse than I’d ever thought possible, and there were many times I thought about and actually set myself up to attempt suicide, because I didn’t think I could handle adulthood and everything that was going to be required of me.
I also believed (and had for years) that I was broken. there was something inherently wrong with me, because the one thing I existed for is something I can’t handle doing, and so I didn’t believe myself worthy of living in this world, taking resources from those who deserved them more, and would be far happier living this life than I was.
that may sound over-dramatic and guilt-trippy to you and you may want to ignore it, thinking I’m being manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty by exaggerating my experiences, but it’s honestly what I thought of myself from about 11-17. it wasn’t until I happened to be in a book store looking over the manga and an Utena book caught my eye, and I read the words “her girlfriend” that I finally stopped thinking that, and it was the one thing that stopped me from ever trying to hurt myself again.
of course I fought it at first, insisting that no, that must be a misprint, there’s no way this girl has a girlfriend, that’s not how the world works! girls are supposed to get boyfriends and boys are supposed to get girlfriends and they get married and have children and that’s that! that’s the only option there is! but as I read the full description I realized it wasn’t, and it prompted me to finally find out that homosexuality isn’t only a thing, but that there was an entire community of women who felt the exact same way I did.
I wasn’t actually broken. in fact, there’s a name for it, a name with meaning and history so many people within it. I hadn’t felt relief like that since I learned of my learning disabilities, that though I also am not alone there, it’s not that I’m just dumber than the other students or just not trying as hard as everyone else like they kept insisting I was, I’m working on hard mode while most everyone else in my class is on normal.
and in all my years of being out, I’ve yet to meet a fellow lesbian who has any interest at all in penetration. every single one I’ve met and talked to about this has all ether been like me, wanting nothing to do with it and never would have done it had it not been for society’s unending pressure and grooming, or completely indifferent about it, preferring not to but being willing to if her partner really really wanted to for some reason.
so no, it’s not a “duh” that someone will want to be penetrated “at some point”, as if that’s inherent to having a vagina, and you should really think about why it is you think “duh, of course things go in the vagina, that’s what it’s for” when you also think that it isn’t weird for anal sex to be a thing, since things are only meant to come out of the anus, and especially since we are all told our entire lives that that’s all we’re good for/why we exist, to be a fuck toy for men and an incubator for their sons. this thought process you have doesn’t exist in a vacuum and you need to think about why you believe it enough to parrot it back at us, not only as if we haven’t already heard it a million times but in a conversation about us having heard it so often and how much that hurts us
if it makes sense for people to want things to go in their ass, where things aren’t meant to go, then it also makes sense that not everyone thinks of their vagina as somewhere things are supposed to go, and not everyone wants things to go in them.
and an extra point: the actual vaginal canal is not sensitive at all. if it was, child birth would be even more painful than it is now, which is why all our sensitive parts are outside it, and yet an organ (the prostate) that gives men intense pleasure can only be reached from inside the anus, so the whole idea that we will inherently want to be penetrated but not men makes even less sense.
(and fun fact, I didn’t learn that until 2015 when That Sex Show aired on LOGO and an actual doctor explained that. I continued to think I was broken for not enjoying penetration, I just thought I was lucky to be a lesbian and so whatever was wrong with me wasn’t going to be an issue)
and as hms said, you also need to think about why you felt the need to tell a bunch of lesbians who were talking about how hurtful it is hearing all our lives that we’ll eventually want piv/penetrative sex (which btw, is almost always followed by the belief that we’ll just grow out of our lesbianism and eventually find a man to settle down with) that not only are we wrong, but it’s so obvious how wrong we are, “duh”, of course all of us will want it eventually, why would we not? as if you’re an authority on how it feels to have a vagina or what it is/how it feels to be a lesbian.
I don’t believe you intended to hurt anyone, but you need to be aware of just how dangerous that mindset is. especially if you’re becoming a doctor, because beliefs like that have very real lasting and damaging affects on the patients. but regardless of your intent, your comment seriously hurt, and reinforced years of abuse.
please don’t say things like that again.
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