#have another one finished.. its been so long.. which is crazy to me but thats for a zine
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working on stuff... i updated my pinned slightly
#i wanna plug the song cover here when its done bc i am working very hard on this one#have another one finished.. its been so long.. which is crazy to me but thats for a zine#im in mixing hell guys this shit is hard#mothy.speaks
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its that time of year thats exciting exclusively for me. fanfic spreadsheet wrapped 2023.
this year i read 9,020,674 words :O thats over a million more than last year lol (7,815,414). i read 1172 fics total, which was less than last year (1325). so i suppose overall i was reading longer fics.
top ten fandoms
teen wolf - 405
fall out boy - 202
the untamed - 81
stargate atlantis - 53
the witcher - 50
the sandman - 48
x-men - 47
merlin - 46
ted lasso - 20
les miserables & atla & pride and prejudice all had 17 each lol
top ten pairings
derek hale/stiles stilinski - 389
patrick stump/pete wentz - 193
rodney mckay/john sheppard - 50
erik lehnsherr/charles xavier - 46
merlin/arthur pendragon - 45
geralt of rivia/jaskier - 44
dream/hob gadling - 43
lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue - 36
enjolras/grantaire, elizabeth bennet/fitzwilliam darcy, sokka/zuko - 17 each
aziraphale/crowley - 15
break down into months
january
top fandom was the sandman, top pairing was dream/hob. makes total sense because i was still clinging on from 2022.
top fic - And Not Ask Leave of Any - dream/hob 15th century faeries au. i have no recollection of this but january me loved it.
february & march
top fandom was the untamed, top pairing was lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue. i had been rewatching the untamed and was going insane despite not even getting to the best bits for that ot3 lol
Feb top fic - Some others I've seen - steddyhands established relationship - ed and izzy have a tavern and stede visits. again i have no recollection of this and i think its mostly sex
March top fic - An Elegant Solution - nie mingjue/wei wuxian/lan wangji. by far one of my favourite fics EVER and this was a reread and it still hurt me just as good as the first time. arranged marriage fic that fixes so many problems and weirdly the thing that hurts me most wasnt even the main pairing it was the nie minjue/lan xichen/jin guangyao. never has a fic made me pivot from hating to liking a character so effectively
crazy that neither of my fav fics were from my top read pairings lol
april
top fandom was x-men and top pairing was cherik.
my mum died in late march and i lost my MIND and could exclusively watch media i enjoyed between the ages of 12 and 14 and xmfc was The movie when i was that age
top fic - Weekend at Casterly - jaime lannister/brienne of tarth regency au. sorry i will always come back to these two altho ill admit this was rogue and came out of no where
may & june
top fandom was teen wolf, sterek
may top fic - Yes is a World - sterek. derek rejects stiles and then they get together after a few years and have to reassert boundaries. didnt finish where most fics finish and i enjoyed that extra insight into what happens after the get together
june top fic - it’s a long way forward (so trust in me) - geraskier. reread. geralt is an omega who wants too much. soooo embarassing to put omegaverse on here which i usually avoid but this fic is soooo good their dynamic is perfect
july
top fandom was the witcher, geraskier
THEY MADE THAT BARD BISEXUAL
Jinx Removing - sterek. this is saved as dr pepper fic on the spreadsheet which means nothing. another case of derek waiting for stiles and planning for them to be good for each other
bit funny that last month sterek was my top pairing but my fav fic was geraskier and now its swapped for july
august & september
top fandom was merlin, and merthur
august - Once & Future - geraskier, warlord au where geralt is a statue awoken by jaskiers kiss. really beautifully written
september - the devil's in the details - merthur. arthur lists the ban on magic and thinks merlin just learnt really really fast
i left a specific note for myself in september to lmk i was really into reece shearsmith but he simply has no fic. thanks past me
october
top fandom was sherlock, but the pairing was enjolras/grantaire. i simply have no idea how this happened
Epiphanies - enjolras/grantaire. modern au where they do a christmas reunion and enjolras isnt doing too well. i found this too relatable thumbs up emoji
november & december
ah. well this was the time of fall out boy and peterick. what a way to end the year
nov - Schrodingerverse - covid verse that was written during covid and the series that got me back into peterick. guilty pleasure fic for me
dec - time is luck - there was like 3 good fics this month it was very very hard to choose between. but this ons is the ultimate dynamic that im seeking from modern peterick fic where pete is entirely dedicated to patrick and completely accepting of their friendship and not wanting anymore. But What if He Could Have More???
in summary. when your mum dies make sure you read like a shit ton of sterek fic for 2 months in a tiny box room in a village itll be so good for you. and then go to see your favourite band from when you were 14 live and get back into rpf while trying to start 2 new jobs.
seriously though how did i read 405 teen wolf fics in like 2.5 months and then just never touch sterek again. i didnt even finish teen wolf
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hey, any tips for staying in love with a series youre making? youve been working on quantum merit for 2 years now i think? any time i get an idea i just have it in the back of my mind that in a couple weeks im going to lose interest, let alone actually go through and start working on it. finishing soemthing is a distant dream. your art is amazing and a huge inspiration for me (is creativity infectious? bc thats how i feel whenever i read qm) so i was hoping maybe you had some insight. thanks <3
over two and a half years at this point actually! crazy! lacking the ability to follow through is a problem i've long had in life. i started drawing QM to try and curtail this. the trick isn't actually to stay in love with a series you're making, the trick is to learn to make things when you don't necessarily love it.
for me, the entire point of doing something operating on this level of self indulgence and experimental technique was to enable myself to churn stuff out even when i think everything i am doing is absolute shit, which is extremely extremely frequently. for long-haul projects you have to be willing and able to work on them even when you think all of your ideas are bad and all of your work is bad and not only is this the worst thing you have ever made, it is the worst thing anyone has ever made. the way i try and get through working on stuff when this is how i feel is that i remind myself i am not special in any way shape or form. everyone else in human history has had to make a lot of bad stuff before they get the privilege of making good stuff. this is allowed to be mine.
another thing that really helps is making sure that the process can be enjoyable even without good results. sometimes even when i hate everything i'm doing in terms of Substance, the act of just getting to draw something feels satisfying enough that i can make myself do it. this goes for all art, i think, not just long projects. if the Process is something you force yourself to sit through waiting for the end reward of a finished product, you're probably never going to be a functional artist. if you don't love Making art and you only love Finishing art you'll quickly find you don't make or finish much of anything.
additionally, i think an important part with long hauls like this is to never, ever look at the finish line. if i keep drawing the amount of stuff i have planned at the rate i have been drawing it, i will be at this for several more years minimum. thats an entirely overwhelming and terrifying thing to think about, and dwelling on it makes me freeze up and want to quit while i'm ahead. so i try not to ever think about actually finishing it. i have no idea if ill finish it i dont even have the slightest fucking clue what my life would even look like in the five years this could take to finish because it already looks nothing like it looked like three years ago. so instead focus on progress. if you think about finishing something you'll never do anything, if you think about just making a little bit of progress you can look back and suddenly you have over 100 full color pages. one foot in front of the other
i would also feel completely insincere if i did not mention how much all of the kind words people have had for my comic have helped me in finding the motivation to continue! seriously, it means so much to me that people like it. external motivation is not the be-all end-all of anything, but i suggest finding at least one friend who is willing to be your hype man and make them talk you out of being insane when you hate everything youre working on. when i reach the point where i literally like can't even tell what the pages im working on look like anymore i send them to my friends and make them all tell me that these are very normal looking drawings.
best of luck with your future endeavors anon i hope any of this is helpful! its an honor to be considered inspiring in any way
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Writer Interview
Tagged by @jrooc thank ya!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
Only three so far! Plus art postings and I'm planning to post more in the new year
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
138,169 words which feels like a lot
3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
I don't have 5 total fics yet lol but their rankings are
In Your Love
Lovers' Carvings
Psychopomp
4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Yes! (usually) I try to respond when people take the time to say something nice about what I've written, because they're encouraging me to write more and I think its good to encourage people to comment/interact more
5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Oh, no, I need a certain happy ending, at least in fanfiction. Yes my childhood was unstable, how did you know?
6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
They all have sickly sweet happy endings, refer to answer #6
7. Do you write crossovers?
No, I don't really see the appeal personally.
8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not hate per say, but just some bitching from people who can understand nuance or disagreed with my take on the relationship
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yes, so far I have only written it in longer form fics with context, all pretty vanilla. I've wondered for a long time why smut is such a staple of fanfiction and I think that people are frustrated with writers and directors casting aside sex as an (often) valuable part of romantic love and attraction. Like, why are you giving light to affection and communication and support but dismissing the sexual component of love with a closed door, winking and nudging the readers. Thats also a part of why RWRB was such a great movie in my opinion, it treated sex as a normal and healthy and loving part of a couples story, and fanfiction does the same thing. It all ties back into sex being viewed only through the male gaze bc bodice rippers have been doing that for years, but I digress
10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Nope! But I use a lot of really common themes and tropes so theres other fics like mine out there
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No, that would be interesting.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No, I would love collaborating with other writers or creators here! Either writing together, making art to accopnay of fic or beta reading one another, my only real worry about getting involved is not making deadlines, my life is busy and I like to know i can work at my own pace and publish once completed so I don't leave anyone hanging
13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
Honestly, Gallavich. But longest running? Zutara, I'm hoping to see a renaissance there with the new series
14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
I think I'll be able to get everything done, sooner or later
15. What are your writing strengths?
I think I'm pretty good at coming up with cohesive and interesting plots, and I think i'm slowly becoming pretty good at getting into a characters head and writing dialouge for them
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Proofreading! Bro I will print something I've written out to review but still catch like 7 stupid mistakes when I scroll through quickly after posting that shit drives me crazy
I also want to get really really good at controlling the pace of a piece of writing, not that its a weakness per say im just not as good as I'd like to be yet
17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
Eh, its fine. A lot of the time I wonder who it's for though, like if you dont speak the language and just translate something through an inaccurate translator, it's not really for a fluent speaker and its not really for you
18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Shameless
19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?
I've toyed with writing a supernatural fic before. We'll see, I'm in no rush
20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
Psychopomp! No one else seemed to like it as much as I did but that's fine by me it was my weird little passion project :)
Share your throughs @sweetperversiongirl @stocious @mmmichyyy @vintagelacerosette
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I for one, would really like to hear about the Awakening X P3, so fire away cause I am intrigued.
Also don't feel bad about being crazy about it, I have been crazy for 3 different Persona AU's which I am actively writing fics for, some even as far back as July from 2022. I am insane with you there, especially when concerning the multiple ones with only P3 as the base.
IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED
This is the fic if you want to read it its not finished yet but yk. Putting thoughts under a cut because this might be a long one
The premise here is that I replaced Robin with Minato. Thats it thats the fic. Or it was.
Because now I have a whole list of social links with the Shepherds and other characters from awakening that I brainstormed with my friends. And Ryoji is there but only to Minato as Thanatos. And exploring Minato with amnesia, relearning the lessons he took from P3 and applying them with his new friends in the Shepherds, is really fun actually.
I dont. Have plans to explore every social link actually. I do NOT have enough patience for that. But I *am* writing out the social links for the Shepherds as a whole (the Fool), Lucina (the Hanged Man), and Emmeryn (the Star). Possibly Chrom as well im not sure
Anyway it includes ryomina, a lethal dose of headcanons, and the arisato/shirogane family au that ive recently been obsessed with thanks to another friend. stay tuned for marth jokes when tiki joins the cast because blue haired swordsman voiced by yuri lowenthal. I know he was recast in reload but please let me be funny just this once.
im not spoiling more arcana links but expect Minato and Vaike to be idiot best friends (I LOVE vaike hes so fucking funny) and some awakening kids shenanigans. and poor Frederick having to put up with the fact that Chrom found an amnesiac teenager lying on the ground and appointed him tactician after one(1) fight and discovering said teenager can spawn demons.
also minato and emmeryn parallels that i cannot wait to explore further
im so excited about this fic you dont even know. sorry robin out of the way im replacing you with minato and fucking sprinting with it.
Theres going to be. Definite changes later in the storyline (grima cant exist without robin, afterall, and awakening needs a big bad evil guy) but right now its just. Retelling awakening through the eyes of an amnesiac minato who is Very tired and Very confused
Awakening is my second favourite fire emblem game and persona 3 is my all time favourite persona game. i mash them together and get a wonderful mess to clean up
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ive been thinking abt ayaki and shintaro post str lately. like i know realistically ayaki would dissapear since in theory the wish she was created from was fulfilled but i just think her staying creates an interesting idea on shintaro's problem with isolation and tendency to retreat into his own head. bc ayaki literally lives in his head. like ayaki and shintaro are the only two people in the whole world who will ever understand the things theyve seen at a truly deep level. so who else could shintaro go to when he gets flashbacks of previous routes. also the guilt he would probably feel for feeling more attached to the ayano in his head then the one actually there. a literal reflection of his actual feelings towards ayano i think. i kind of lost my train of thought uhm shrugs. i should probably write a google doc abt this
UGH UGH UGH.... THE BIT ABT SHINTARO FEELING MORE ATTACHED TO THE AYANO IN HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF THE ONE ACTUALLY HERE BEING THE SAME AS HOW HE LOVES THE AYANO HE MADE UP IN HIS MIND MORE THAN THE REAL ONE.... THATS SO FUCKING COOL AND REAL AND AWESOME..... YESSSSS shinyaki gets me so badly like. ough. they have been together for so long. i imagine yaki trying so hard to fight her humanity and even be cold to shintaro like!! ACT LIKE THE SNAKE EYE POWER SHE IS. and she does for the most part but Shintaro.... he is so difficult. he keeps being reborn and she keeps watching him grow up til activating her and remembering her again, and every single time shintaro's like Im so sorry for forgetting you again. and ayaki's like. AUGH. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. sorry they drive me a little crazy.
yeah i know ayaki would disappear but i dont like thatttt i think❤️❤️❤️ she should stay❤️❤️❤️ i think its a miserable existence and rly speaks abt ayano's character that she just stays there forever. i think there's something very cool abt an ayano tateyama who gets a happy ending in a mortal life at the cost of an suffering ayano who is alone for eternity, who sacrificed everything to be exactly where she is, watching another version of herself be happy. i dont think ayaki jumped into it knowing she'd find peace one day. i think once she is a snake she Is A Snake. Ur ass isnt dying. like she has a damn soul??
sorry the bit abt souls in kagepro drives me crazy. we dont know it with any other snakes other than awakening/konoha and haruka(and saeru but we dont talk abt it). the ending of mca is MESSY messy. personally i dont know if i Really understand it, I've always explained it to myself like konoha/awakening GETS ITS OWN wish bc despite being just a snake, it became its own person, and its wish is to have hiyori live which is how saeru "dies" bc it has to resign to be a surrogate life for hiyori right?? its never explained Why konoha gets a wish but that's it to me. awakening and retaining being opposites bc one is a snake that became a person and the other a person who became a snake.
anyways coming back to the soul thing, it's rly all in haruka and konoha's situation bc konoha becomes its own person, "gains a soul" lets say, and that very soul puts it in conditions of making a wish. haruka was the only one in the daze who wasn't PHYSICALLY there, and his wish never finished getting there bc awakening was like My body now. <- like this is so interesting there's a lot of potential to konoha being even more interesting, maybe being a snake that's always wanted its own body or something. i KNOW its bc haruka's personality wasn't strong for it but that's an ass explanation and it always has been😘
anywyas so haruka coming back by the end to me is explained thru his wish being Actually listened to and konoha retreating back to its original role though it is still a person. i think it becomes a case of reverse, from str onwards it is konoha watching through haruka instead of the other way around. this is kinda the logic behind why ive always loved the konoha reborn hc... with the whole soul thing. like konoha finally cutting ties with being a snake and not being awakening anymore, just konoha!!
god i got super sidetracked. basically ayaki is also a snake with a soul. yes she would disappear by all this logic, once shintaro's wish (and her own) is fulfilled. HOWEVER. i dont want to❤️ however if she DID. there is a HUGE prompt in here about shintaro dealing with the disappearance of ayaki. she has been with him for so long and he remembers it all bc just cuz retaining is away it doesnt mean he just unsees all the routes, yknow? just cant see them again but theyre still in his memory. so he remembers how he's been with her for so many lives and now she's just gone... and there's this other real ayano here. who isn't really another ayano she is the same person. he knows she is but she's still another. augh. augh augh augh. anyways no i dont like to think abt ayaki disappearing She needs to give the mekakushi dan a tour when they all jump in shintaro's brain to look at his memories western cartoon style
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end of the year book stuff tagged by @carriagelamp
How many books did you read this year?
does comic books count? if yes then i didn't count, if no then i'm pretty sure just two (but comics should absolutely count btw)
Did you reread anything? What?
i always reread servamp all the time so i can write Essays. also i reread katekyo hitman reborn for nostalgia and crossover reasons. TECHNICALLY i reread dante's inferno even though i never finished it because i'm not used to classic so i have to repeat the paragraphs before Getting it
What were your top five books of the year?
GIDEON THE NINTH!!! also Superman Smashes the Klan. the rest of the top 5 is servamp, unfortunately
Did you discover any new authors that you love this year?
if i have never read tamsyn muir's homestuck fic before then it would have been her, but because i have that means she's an old fave-- oH i guess ryohgo narita counts? i knew he wrote durarara but i never truly managed to appreciate his writing until i read dead mount deathplay
What genre did you read the most of?
fantasy, duh
Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?
too like a lightning by ada palmer. i keep forgetting i already have an e-book of it
What was your average Goodreads rating? Does it seem accurate?
i dont use goodreads thumbs up emoji
Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?
yeah, finally reading original novels again. im trying to beat my ADHD so i can devour books the way i did during childhood
Did you get into any new genres?
new genre huh uhhhh... no. i know what i like
What was your favorite new release of the year?
i don't follow new release i just browse the bookstores and hope something speaks to me
What was your favorite book that has been out for a while, but you just now read?
gideon the ninth
Any books that disappointed you?
i dropped a lot of books and nothing this year has disappointed me enough for me to remember their titles
What were your least favorite books of the year?
bungou stray dogs look the light novels are still REALLY well written. i also appreciate how beautiful the translation can be. but the canon storyline fucking sucks. it betrays its theme when it comes to handling abusers by making this little girl who gets physically abused by her dad as a form of discipline to look up to him as a hero because dad's a cop
What books do you want to finish before the year is over?
i don't care about something like that
Did you read any books that were nominated for or won awards this year (Booker, Women’s Prize, National Book Award, Pulitzer, Hugo, etc.)? What did you think of them?
i don't follow book awards either
What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?
i tried reading blue lock and it's the worst sports manga i have ever read. i can't get over how stupid the premise is. soccer is a team sport you idiot (note that this book didnt disappoint me because i never had any expectations for it in the first place)
Did any books surprise you with how good they were?
oh yeah JK Haru is a Sex Worker in Another World. I went into it expecting a cheap smutty story but turns out it's a pretty feminist narrative about sex workers and how no matter talented a woman is as long as the environment around her is aggressively and violently patriarchal those talents that would make men a hero would make women accused as demons-- but that's okay because you don't need the power to slay an entire army to change the world. sometimes, eating at a cafe in a world where women arent allowed to go outside without a chaperone is more revolutionary than magic that can burn a horde of monsters into cinders
How many books did you buy?
more than five
Did you use your library?
there is no usable library around me
What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?
i dont follow new release remember
Did you participate in or watch any booklr, booktube, or book twitter drama?
oh yeh i watch them from the sideline with popcorn and all, thats crazy
What’s the longest book you read?
dante's inferno
What’s the fastest time it took you to read a book?
back when i was a kid i read three pjo books in one day. i don't do that anymore
Did you DNF anything? Why?
i read reeeeeeally slow now so it's less not finishing and more like taking long breaks inbetween
What reading goals do you have for next year?
finish gideon the ninth so i can read the next one
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new needlepoint - i want to live here so fucking bad
this is wiehler needlepoint 2317 "es klappert die mühle am rauschenden bach" (the mill rattles by the rushing brook), which i actually just now learned is named after a german children's song - its pretty cute!
i was gonna put the process pics at the end of the rant but then the rant ended up too long so here they are at the beginning, i also added the dates each picture was taken =)
this is my first wiehler needlepoint out of 5 i got from the mentors at the embroidery workshop (originally 4 but i got another one just this week), FOR FREE, which is crazy to think about since the kits for these things arent that cheap to buy, but they gave them to me bc they were just sitting around with no one planning to actually make them
needlepoint used to be more popular over here back in ye olden days and it even used to be taught in home ec class, so both my grandmas, mom and even DAD used to make them in school, which i never knew about bc by the time i was going to school home ec classes were long gone from the curriculum, which sucks because it would have been awesome to learn stuff like this as a kid
out of the 5 kits i got, this was the smallest so i decided to do it first, the rest of them get progressively bigger and bigger until the last one which is kind of mind bogglingly huge, will i really be able to finish all of these? im honestly not sure, but i dont mind the idea of having something to work on that could take me my whole life (or like, 5 years)
these needlepoints are also different from the ones ive done up til now cause instead of the picture being printed onto the cloth, here you get an empty cloth with only counting squares printed on it and you need to follow the pattern from a paper, which i already got practice for by working on that llama cross stitch and got used to with no problem
there was one thing though, this is the only kit out of the 5 that didnt actually have the standard cloth with the squares on it (there was also some string missing, so i think the thing is that someone else had already made this kit before and what i got was the leftovers), bc of that i simply bought some new needlepoint cloth and drew the squares on myself, which led to....
honey i shrunk the needlepoint, SO YOU SEE THE THING IS, i didnt check what the squares on the cloth i did get for the other kits actually looked like, i simply assumed the squares would be normal 10x10 squares like in the picture, so thats what i drew by hand, but theyre actually supposed to be 20x20, and youre supposed to do a specific stitch called gobelin stitch where 2x2 of space is considered 1 stitch, idk if im explaining any of this well but basically if i had known this and done it correctly the finished work would have been pretty much the same size as the pattern on the picture
i know all of this now and the next needlepoint ive started since then will be the correct size, but either way i think the tiny one has its own charm and looks great anyway, its adorable!! im kind of obsessed with it, the green frame also looks great and ahh i just love it sm😭
heres the back
and size comparison with my previous ones
its a little bebe needlepoint🥺
it keeps happening that at the very end when these have finally been framed, i always notice one or two squares which i forgot to fill in, but i dont really mind it, and its fun asking people to try and find them🤣 (but dont bother trying to find them yourself bc they cant really be seen in these pictures)
i also accidentally swapped the two shades of green for the tree but the shades are so similar you literally cant see it, and i also ran out of the darkest blue shade and had to buy a new one, but couldnt find one that was similar enough, so you can actually see on most of the pics that the dark blue part to the left of the tree is a darker shade than on the right, but again, who cares, i just like jotting down as much of the process as i can remember in these posts🤣
thanks for reading!!
#click keep reading at your own risk this one is LOOOONG#but theyre fun to write lmao its like a blog post#.....wait but tumblr actually is.... a blogging platform............ *mindblown*#mine#my crafts
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im on effexor instead of lexapro now but i still have exactly the same dream related side effects!! they’re so in depth and hours long and they’re either mundane as fuck, like i go to work or take an exam or go the supermarket and make dinner, all in real time. or they’re off the wall insane and still intensely vivid, sometimes deeply disturbing and stressful, sometimes cool, sometimes just. what the fuck is happening in my subconscious.
i had an mcr concert dream in which the venue was really shit (but had great food) and they were playing on a stage to the left of everyone, and they opened w vampire money and then gerard did a ‘magic trick’ to vanish (clearly covered by a sheet) and they brought motionless on white on stage to finish the set doing bad covers. but frank was heckling them from side stage the whole time for being cheaters (i know nothing about the marital status of motionless in white so fuck knows where this came from)
anyway this was just one facet of another very long and confusing dream. but yeah. antidepressants have some weird side effects, i often wake up tired because i feel like i’ve just been through a four hour ordeal in my mind instead of sleeping. it’s easier to lucid dream too if you’ve noticed that? hope u aren’t getting too many stress dreams, i think mine settled after a while on a stable lexapro dose <3
omfg that is so funny. and yea my last med i was on for years, saphris, gave me crazy fucking dreams but in a different way. they were way more like. idk. abstract?? like not related to real life at all. just really really bizarre and vivid. but it was moslty in the beginning of when i was taking that one, i stopped remembering my dreams nearly as much after a while. but so far on lexapro its every single night. and yea, they go on for hours. i know they say you only dream for like 15 minutes but i do not think thats true, on lexapro at least. im CONFIDENT that im dreaming for wayyyy longer than that. i did try to google to see if anyone else was talking about lexapro dreams online and i couldnt really find anything?? but i did find something that said lexapro has an effect on your dreams in which is pushes your REM cycle back to last few hours of sleep, and i totally feel like thats true because like my basic sleep schedule is set an alarm for like 9am because im being optimistic about being able to get out of bed and then i like always set an alarm for later and go back to sleep, and that time im sleeping in the morning is when im mostly having these dreams. or like sometimes both. ill have a crazy dream and wake up to my first alarm and text my friends about it and then i go back to sleep and when i wake up im like 'i had another one'.
but the lucid dream thing, yes!! i havent really had lucid dreams on lexapro yet, but i had multiple lucid dreams on saphris. again, they were more concentrated during the first couple months of me taking it. i think last week during one of my dreams though i did realize i was asleep and i decided i wanted to wake up but it was different, and i 'woke up' but it was still in the dream. like i dreamt that i woke up but i actually hadnt. if that makes sense. im actually hoping i can get to the point of lucid dreaming on lexapro though because thats something i miss. i like being able to control it like. its fun. realizing youre dreaming and have full control so you decide to hang out with mcr. LOL.
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Part 15
It's been 6 months since I moved out here and everything has been going so smoothly. I've kind of missed the convenience of the city but as Im getting ready to go get a Christmas tree for the apartment i find myself so happy to be surrounded by the friends I have.
Richy has warmed his way back into my heart and were all out finding the perfect tree. I hear my phone ring and its Ashley.
"Hey girl" i say "hey Dan I think this is the one me"
"Hey what you doing right now?" She asks
"Christmas tree shopping why?"
"I think you should turn around" she says
I turn around and shes standing there i throw my phone in my pocket and run up to her. "How did you find me?"
"A little bird told me" she says
I turn around and catch Jake and Jessy looking and smiling.
"How long you in town?" I ask
"Well thats the thing I got a one way ticket. Right now my job is remote so its perfect for the holidays"
"I thought you werre going to canada to see your parents"
"Oh i did but i didn't want to stay so i decided to reach out and come out here"
"Well lets get your bags in Jake's jeep and get you a hot coco" i say as i turn around and Dan is marking my tree with the tag. "Jake can i have your keys?" I ask
He heads this way "ill help you. I need a refill anyways of hot coco" he says wrapping his arm around me
"Seriously can you two get any cuter?" Says Ashley
Jessy runs up "oh don't tempt them"
"Oh I know ive seen the pictures on IG. Oh by the way who's that guy at the bar with you?"
I roll my eyes "no no no" i say "not that one nope"
Jessy laughs "oh come on Krista he deserves what you have"
"Jessy no."
"Come on you know he's my type" ashley says
"Yeah your bad boy type. That never ends well for you. We end those relationships either passed out from a food coma or alcohol so no" i say as we put her bags in Jakes car
"Maybe not this one" she says
"Jessy help me on this one. You know what to say to get girls away from him"
"Actually I'm not gonna this time. He's been doing really good since you started helping him and he deserves to be happy"
"Fine but don't say I didn't warn you. His name is Phil, he's my boss and the owner. He is 100% your typical bad boy I don't work tonight but maybe we can go for some drinks"
"Sounds perfect" she says we all go grab another hot coco and find the rest of the group i introduce ashley to the rest of them and we finish the trees and them all loaded on the truck to be delivered.
Her and I are sitting in the kitchen of my place. "Ash you need to know something."
"What is it Kris" she says looking at me as she drinks the hot drink
"When i moved out here Phil did try and shoot his shot with me. Obviously things with Jake were already strong but i dont think he go over thst rejection"
"Thanks im use to that being your best friend. You always attract them they shoot their shot and then i try"
"Haha that is true. I swear though i wish i could find you a guy like Jake. He's perfect i swear."
"He treats you like the queen you are and you deserve but he seems to keep you in check which is what you exactly need"
"YES! I knew you would get it. You know my crazy side. Not gonna lie just before he asked me to be his girlfriend he got a little pulled back and i got worried I was gonna lose him but everything worked out" i say as i see my keys and look at the one he gave me. I notice something new on it and pick it up.
"What is it?" Ash says
"This is the keychain he gave me with his house key. Ive used it so many times but this is the first time ive seen this on it" i look at it and its a little heart charm attached
"Has he had your keys recently?"
Yeah last week when i was working and we got a ton of snow and i asked him to drive my mustang and i drove his jeep cause i didn't want to wreck it. My keys haven't been used since cause he's been taking me until we can get me vehicle thats good for snow"
"Well lets go check your mustang in the garage"
We head out there and on the dashboard is a box with a heart on it with a note attached
I instantly grab it and open the letter
Well you either found this on your own or I told you on christmas about this. So merry Christmas babe
"Hmmm i wonder whats inside the box" says Ashley
I open it up and inside is another key but no note
" um i gotta call him"
Calls jake but he doesn't answer so I calls Jessy
"Hey is jake still dropping you all off?"
"Yeah hes just about to drop me off why?" She says
"Put him on the phone please"
"Everything okay?" Jake says
"Yes and no…. I found the gift in the mustang but im confused. There isn't anything more"
"Well you will have to wait or figure it out on your own" he says as he hangs up
"Well i guess no bar tonight cause now i wanna know what this is too"
"Open your trunk maybe?"
I open the trunk and inside is a box with a key opening. I open it up and inside is another letter
I quickly realized your gonna need something for winter in Duskwopd besides the Mustang so if you can get over to Rogers, Richy knows what to do with this key
As a key falls out of the note
I call Richy
"Hey Krista"
"Im on a puzzle mission…. You at the garage?"
"Nope but i cant be everything okay with the Mustang?"
"Yeah but can you come pick me up and take me there i cant get out of the garage and your suppose to know what to do with this key"
"Yeah give me a bit"
All of a sudden a group message comes through
Jake she knows says Richy
Well now I know something is really up. You better be on your way to me and Jake better head to the garage i text back
Jake calls me "your too dang good at these puzzles you know?" Ill come get you and ashley and take you guys there. Richy will meet us there"
"Good cause i wanna know what this key is too"
Jake pulls up to the garage with ashley and I and Richy is already there. I show Richy the key and he smiles as he tells us to follow him. He walks inside to the shop to the far end bay door where theres an SUV with a bow on it
"Merry early Christmas" says Jake as he kiss my cheek
"Your joking right?" Says Ashley as im just frozen
"Nope when she made the decision to move out here we all started putting the money together as we could to get this. I put the most so they said its only fair i give it to her."
I open the driver side door and sit in it and start crying as i do i see something sparkly ib the middle area. Jake opens the passenger side door and grabs it real fast.
"What was that?" I say
"Something you have to wait for i wasn't expecting you to find this so fast so i hid another gift in it" he smiles
Ashley sees him put a ring in his pocket as im looking at the car she walks up to him. "As her longest best friend i need to know what that was" she says
Jake laughs "nah cause if you know she will know and that has to wait for Christmas"
"Tell me just yes or no then to a question"
Jake agrees
"Are you planning to propose?"
"No" says Jake
Ashley backs away not pushing her luck. She opens the backseat and climbs in. "I think it's time we hit up that bar"
Jake pops his head in "i don't think thats a good idea with the storm rolling in"
"Well then i guess we all just go to my place including Phil for a movie and drinking night" i say as i send a group text movie and drinks at my place tonight as i hit send Phil calls me
"Hey i was just about to text you" i say
"Krista can you come to the bar i need help getting out some customers so i can close it down before this storm rolls in"
"Okay if after you stop at my place for movies and drinks with everyone including a friend from out of town and you pay me double"
"Deal. Drive safe but see you soon"
I hang up i look at Jake "meet me at my place and grab some pizza" i say handing him some cash
"Where you going?" He asks
"Phil needs my help at the bar then I'll be there. I'll be safe I promise you"
"I rather send ashley and richy to your place and join you. These roads are getting bad."
"You're not gonna let me do anything else huh?"
"Nope"
"Fine" i take the cash back and hand Ashley my house key "grab some pizzas and stuff with Richy we will call you when where on the way"
"Awh man okay" she says wanting to meet Phil
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racism rant part 23456786543245
the double standards are through the fucking ROOF. it actually makes me want to fucking strangle someone. if i get called 'racist, and anti white' for saying that white ppl cannot experience racism and get held back when i have another lesson????? then a pasty ass dude call me, the n word (im fucking brown anyway) IN FRONT OF A TEACHER?? AND NOT FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES??? and if i report them?? i'm 'mistaken' and hes 'just uneducated'??? number one. educate them?? number 2. thats unfair???? these incidents happened when i was 14 btw. but do u know what is even more painful?? when ppl 100% know what they are doing, what theyre saing and the meanings of theyre actions and consequences. im talking about higher ups, teachers, slt members, shopkeepers, all that. it makes me so fuckING MADDDD. im in a class with one of my friends. she has a pretty noticeable indian accent bc she yk. moved here from india less than 2 yrs ago?? but her english is perfectly understandable. yet this bitch (ofc middle aged cishet white man) decides to pretend he has no clue what shes saying. anD PROCEEDS TO MOCK HER??? the audacity he has. hes also called me the saddest and most awkward person ever for waiting for him to fimish his converstaion. which ok yeah i am, however if alex (white kid) waits for him to finish his convo before asking something. hes polite and well behaved and praised like crazy. its not much but its very worthy of a fucking boot in the face. and if i report him?? im disrespectful. ofc i am. its jus banta inni. cant u take a joke? NOT IF ITS FUCKING RACIST I CANRT. oh yeah dont even count the number of times ive been called paki. another huge thing, im sure poc would relate to (specifically 1st gen immigrants) is being underestimated like fucking CRAZYYY dont even lieeee. when i was in primary, i was rlly good at readinf so like everytime i had a sub or wtvr yeah theyd always b like omg ur english is so good!! no shit i was born here. ur accent is rlly welsh omg i thought itd be different!! no shit i was born here. do you understand what that means?? yeah dw. my personal fave is one where ur doin sumt wrong or zoned out like ill give u an example. the local co op makes a queue for the skl kids since its right by our skl and i was waitin once bc i had to get milk n eggs on my way home innit then. i had a major migraine so i was zonin out all day and i happened to zone out while second in the q. then i was allowed in then for abt 30 secs i dint realize, then atp someone nugded be from behind so. i went in. then the security guard asked me if spoke english??? even tho id spoken to him on previous days bc im a rlly regular visitor???? anyway long story short, id been called a 'fuckin immigrant' but yeah. i'm just mad bc how can ppl who we are supposed to trust treat us like that and thing thats ok????? yeah its nutn new k bye
#sorry my friend told me a teacher was mocking her accent again 😀😀#tw racism#its also been mb 4 months since my last racism rant#personal#also. dont try to understand this. very poorly written
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OK not a liveblog per se but i have to SAY THINGS GOSH and im stalling so i dont finish LOL IM SCARED
alright bc thething is i have had my brain shut off for the past few weeks whatever the fuck i havent been in a "lets sit down and talk ad nauseum about it"
whichis such a shame bc LIKE... first bit of s4? i think the opener was bad but a lot of it otherwise middling- HOWEVER AFTER THAT.. GOD THERES BEEN SO MUCH TO SAY SINCE I JUST HAVENT TALKED ABOUT IT
and speaking of openers. i think its kinda funny. premiere notwithstanding, it feels like farscape kinda sucks at openers but literally KNOCKS IT OUT OF THE PARK with season finales. literally. in the thick of it now- but i genuinely think theyve always been, like, so so strong.and thats genuinely so hard to pull off, man.
like im a dw fan and anyways yeah so dw has some of the most inconsistent finales imaginable and it makes me really appreciate a show that CAN do them. like: theyre busy but paced well; its not predictable but its not overly convoluted; theres ups and downs, and theres complications but theyre never contrived.
and i do think farscape has a problem with benching characters and forgetting they exist sometimes but HERE at least they are keeping all of them constantly engaged which is really hard man i do admire it its like..... theres such an ENERGY . like its a proper culmination of events and people coming together and all characters just on their a-game, with a genuinely good story as a foundation. BC ITS EASY ENOUGH TO JUST BRING EVERYONE IN, and arbitrarily up the stakes BUT its another thing to not just... rely wholly on that? which i say again bc you know. doctor who. SORRY TO BE GUY THAT ONLY WATCHES 2 SHIKWS- BUT ITS IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
ANYWYS
i shouldhave tlaked more abt the eps in specific but firstly the lead up to this was crazy like the last part of s4 has been so good.
i loved bringing home the beacon. #jirl power. like for all my reservations about noranti and sikozu (which i'll get into more) i do love likejsut seeing... an episode full of women? which i dontknow that probably sounds stupid but god i jsust feel like... EVEN NOWADAYS, when they do have a lot of women in a show sometimes its just forced and i dont mean that in the arsey way i mean that as in, like, they just put more and more women in without properly developing them and so its just a load of stock characters- BUT HERE, we have a genuine range of girlies here carrying the episode each with their own agency, so theyre capable of having such a good dynamic and LISTEN. DUMB BUT ITS REFRESHING. and i really loved the back and forth with aeryn and sikozu in particular and the more tenuous political situation and their reactions to it and how theyre actually similar but obviously have such different ideas on what to DO here like ougghghgh ... AND THE END. SHEESH. its like- its one of those things where you knew it was coming but BY GOD. THE END OF THIS EPISODE.
and then i really loved a constellation of doubt- love introspective episodes, set before/after the more epic finale-type parts - and how it functions like.. especially establishing john's distance from earth and like... how we STARTED this journey with him so desperate to return to it and you'd think that would be the finale of the show but we've been there and it wasnt right bc hes different now and NOW its about aeryn SHE'S the end goal now baby..................
then my fucking god. prayer was holy shit that was DARK as fuck and like- LIKE YAOI BREAK JOKES ASIDE, like... i fucking loved scorpius and john "working together" like that and the tension and JESUS when FUCKING SCORPIUS JUST.... like that whole alternate world is so fucked up man. so fucking fucked up.
AND THEN- GOD, THE AERYN STUFF... LIKE EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT JOHN/SCORPIUS, part of me wishes the whole episode was a long and . immersive look into hers but also i sure a sfuck dont because holy fucking shit like... I WAS SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW, about the pregnancy storyline going into s4 bc with scifi, stories about pregnancy can so easily go fucking wrong and get horrible and uncomfortable if the writers dont do well AND ESPECIALLY if youre going to darker places likethis like jesus fuckingchrist but... i do think they did a good job of like leaivng aeryn in control of her narrative if that makes sense. i think thats my issue otherwise- like again, with dw the worst fucking offender, who barely even let amy fucking reflect on any of that shit when what she went through was a bodily violation compatable to r#pe but WHATEVER uhm - LIKE... obviously aeryn is also going fucking through it, jesus, horrible fucking shit is happening to ehr, but i dont- like im not against that, you know, so long as we do get to see her and we hear her and its not about crichton although his side is important, and its not FOCUSSED on the horror of it in some strange voyeuristic way (although it can be dangerously close to that) i still found it to be about... HER. YEAH? AND SEEING HER PERSPECTIVE. AND god.....................fuckme.............
andits so funny bc liekfor all i said abt loving the ifnale I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY
I DONT I FOR SURE DONT IM STILL IN IT AND MY HEAD IS FUCKING MUSH THATSWHY IM WRITING ALLTHIS
WHEN STARK REAPPEARED- okay firstly. i love the hair so bad. why didnt we get that. BUT LIKE- WHILST SCORPIUS didnt buy it i for sure bought it at first LOL like msotly bc i have always admired farscape for allowing characters to always have quite a lot of nuance, and having their own individual agenda like.. you know what i mean? its like- going back WAY back to the beginning, with dna mad scientist, it'd be so easy to have them all have a firm allegiance to one another BUT NOPE. and here i'd be like- FUCK, MAN, I DONT KNOW. i wouldnt be fucking mad with stark if he wanted to fuck around and just torture the shit out of scorpius after all he fucking went through, you know.
and speaking of agendas
okay sikozu. which can i say? i keep mispelling her name. thats one thing farscape sucks at. the names are good and inventive and pack flavour- but not fucking memorable, in the slightest. frell me. GOOD CUSSES THOUGH THEYRE GOOD AT THAT I KEEP ACCIDENTALLY ALMOST SAYING DREN WHEN MESSAGING PPL. EMBARRASSING. anyway
where was i
FUCKING SIKOZU
i havent continued watching yet but the whole relevation of her and her allegiance to this resistance... right, ok. heres my thing. i really LIKE it, actually, and i have grown to really like her character and i think shes such a fucking interesting person to drop into the cast and has such a good fucking perspective on things and gives good fucking dynamics with quite a few of the existing cast AND i dont hate this storyline with her at all either and i think if itd been established a bit more beforehand or we'd gotten to explore her a bit more beforehand i would have LOVED-LOVED-LOVED her for what she does BUT
its like.. she kind of got introduced weird AND she starkly.. contrasts the kind of sloppy inclusion of noranti and jool? because listen. i just- i cant help but think...FUCK me. i wish sikozu was introduced WAY back in place of jool, since jool kind of did come back around in the end but ultimately i dont think she ever truly found her place in the show or did much constructive, and what she did do sikozu functions as better as AND that extra time could have really better sewed the seeds of this story bc right now it does kinda feel out of nowhere... not completely far-fetched, though, bc i do think it fits for her as she has always been quite cagey and- SHIT MAN. IM REALISING. I COULD REALLY HAVE FUCKING LOVED SIKOZU IF THEYD JUST DONE HER RIGHT LIKE
and its like i said. i did like jool by the end of her run but i dont think she was... im sorry but i dont think she was ever worth it for what she was and i dont think she really DID much. and i think its like an overall problem farscape as a show has HAD since its moved past s1, wherein like... s1 is SO FUCKING GOOD, and so efficient at building characters well and really putting in the work. but as the show grew it kind of struggled to do that whenever they introduced new ppl which i guess is my frustration with it? they dont rlly take the time to work them into it, in the same way, and i guess they really cant do what they did with s1 bc they have more plot to cover but its a shame. i feel like there was a way to adapt better esp bc like i said like- a lot of the time... the new characters were kind of just?? unnecessary?
and its like dont get me WRONG i dont think a character has to be actively doing something all the time. i stand by the fact rygel is an important character. i think he balances them out really fucking well, serves an important function on the ship in terms of diplomacy and DOES give really good moments and different perspectives that the others could not give. but i think thats also like... dependent on him being a reliably well established character within the show and a thing that has been demonstrated over seasons and in PARTICULAR early on and its usually done with good measure
whereas jool was justlike... genuinely downright bad for the first few eps she was there and it doesnt really feel like she WENT anywhere either in the end even though she did improve and its like. -_- cmon bc SHE DID HAVE AN INTERESTING PREMISE BUT EERHGHG...
and i also bring up noranti bc she too is kind of... just drifting? dont get me wrong- i actually do kind of like her. i know im listening to a podcast alongside the show- and omg, the hosts HATE her so bad. i think shes definitely a taste thing, so id assume jool is too to some extent, bc characters like this are BUT... i do admit she really... hasnt added anything?
and sorry to do this. but im relating it back to dw again. you know dan, yeah? dan was pointless. i liked him. i liked what he brought to the show and i dont think what they tried to do with him was bad. and usually im of the mindsetof like... oh well if they had some good moments with him it wasnt BADLY spent but no ehrm... look... it kinds was, man. bc look- his stuff was good, but it wasnt so original or unique, and i do think a comic relief character did balance them out BUT... its still kind of, like, lazy to just make a whole character for that, yeah? instead of just... developing the ones you have and committing to them? kind of slapping a bandaid on it? like- can yaz and 13 not be funny and lighthearted? cant they carry scenes? and was his story of, like, some fucking dude so singularly unique that you had to compromise 13 and yaz being alone and working on their relationship more in isolation?
thats a more drastic example but my point is i dont know. shes nice and she has had moments but i jsut feel like her too its like... shes really not necessary and its just- i become super conscientous fo it when it jsut feels... redundant to have them about when theres a lot of other more interesting things to explore. i think they justkinda... needed a fucking plot device to write them out of stuff with her powders but like- cmon man..
ANYWAY GOD
WHERE WAS I WITH ALL OF THIS
fucking hel fuck me ive lost all train of thought i should fucking ginish the episo-
IM SCAREEED IM SCAREDDD IM SCAREDDDDTHGOGUGHGHGHHG
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i haven't been using tumplr as much so i haven't seen which ones u may have already answered but 3 5 10 12 and 21 for the rejuv asks >:^)
answered 5 and 12 in a previous post, they're under my posts tag!
renegade spoilers under the cut and this is gonna be a long one
3. favorite moment?
the karma beast battle in renegade OHHH MY GOD. holy fucking raw. all that spoiler dodging paid off because ohhhh my god guys. axiom waltz and the music transition like HELLO? they knocked this moment out of the damn parkkkk when i tell you how hard my heart sank into my ass. like i was staring at my computer mortified for a good four minutes at the battle start screen. that's what makes it so memorable to me because it's such a good staple moment of renegade i feel. for me it was easy to not take renegade too seriously when it was just pressing an evil button and dealing with m2's antics at first but seeing a guy get rifted into a horrible dying and melting poison bird monstrosity by karma just to try and stop you was such an "Oh this game isn't fucking around" moment for me. and this is in CHAPTER 0 of renegade. like that was just the beginning this oblivion shit gets SERIOUS. if the devs keep this up im probably going to be an alcoholic by the time the game is finished. im so excited
10. favorite villain/antagonist(s)?
dont even joke lad
clear + kieran (+ eden) its not even a competition. my favorite characters in the entire game unfortunately. in fact they were even my favorites before i actually played the game just from what i heard of them from my friends💀. i heard badass evil androids from another universe and i was TUNED the fuck IN. i think its because i like sci-fi too much. i love love love all three of them but clear is ever so slightly my #1 ONLY because she uses a bunch of my favorite pokemon. orbeetle, klinklang, porygon-z, and you tell beheeyemlover56 that a character's ace pokemon is a beheeyem and i will be there No Matter What
theyre just SOOO SO INTERESTING and cool and everything about them is awesome. even all of the atrocities because they looked awesome while doing it. i love the character dynamic between clear and kieran and i love their stupid ass catchphrases that they cling onto like their lives depend on it and i love the insane lore deal they have going on they occupy my brain 24/7. im sooo excited to see how much more fucked up they'll get in the future. i will support them !
on account of eden being scrap metal and having about 3 dollars and a nickel of revealed lore i can't say much about them but from what we do know oooohhhhh i am SO HYPED to find out more. doubt they'll bring eden back from the grave but i am very intrigued to see just what impact they had on crescent/A-gang/storm 9. they sound particularly terrifying and freaky. i cant wait. oblivion forever🔥
21. favorite chapter?
probably to no one's surprise its chapter 15 lmfao. all three of the routes are SO MUCH FUN and i really enjoy the focus on characters other than just Le Interceptor for a change. i kind of love lore-heavy chapters and all of the reveals in chapter 15 are so crazy and exciting. and no other chapter has platinum route in it. luv u platinum route <3
additionally the v13.5 overhaul to chapter 10 was AMAZING and now thats definitely my second favorite chapter. my jaw dropped when i saw all the new pretty updated areas and sprites
thank you for the ask!
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HAAAAAAAI i'm so glad i could bring a smile to your face in your day through my messages heheheheh ☺️ how was your day today!!!
omg is this telepathy or what! i was just considering and thinking of whether i wanted to pursue a masters after finishing up my undergrad degree studies!! hehe what's your masters in if it's not too private to ask 🫢 i was just thinking of doing masters because of my current timeline!! it's rly rly tuff to find a job here after graduating because the mkt is currently just kinda meh :/ so i was just wondering if perhaps going for masters would put me in a better spot!! but then again masters is something i can decide at a later time so rn im just gathering opinions from ppl who have taken it! wbu!! do u have any thoughts or opinions? :")
OMGGGGGG have i mentioned im a SUCKER for childhood besties concepts cuz that's just so so so cute 🥹🥹 I LOVE IT I CANT WAIT!!!! 😍 and my goodness how r u alw so creative w your ideas??? iM so unimaginative that like stories alw amaze me 🫢 hehehehe and HELLO wdym u have a life like a fic odnfoenfoke THATS SO COOL AND SWEET N LOVELY gosh i'd WISH i had like one thing from a fic ever happen to me 🥰🥰🥰🥰
AHHHH im so glad u could meet your friends and hang out together!! wish u had as much fun as u possibly could!! hehehehe how nice would it be if we could always be hanging out w our besties and just spending time together 🥺 hope you guys r meeting again soon!!! sounds rly rly fun to karaoke together it's been so so long for me to both karaoke and meet my friends cuz literally everyone im close to or care about is on exchange this semester :/
which brings me to my never ending rant of how despresso espresso i am this semester >< it's a rly tuff time in my life rn cuz im trying to navigate and find an internship that matches both my interest and my degree cuz it is a graduation requirement for me 🤡 i guess im at least getting somewhere w the search cuz i did have a pretti good offer lately! and im currently just pending the outcome of another role i interviewed for under the same company before making a decision (if i do get offered by the other role too heh) 😊 but then im just rly rly LONELY this semester and im just sad cuz im attending classes and doing everything by myself :/ and i dont have friends arnd locally rn that i could meet and just unwind after a period of stress so its rly draining me a lot on top of my never ending assignments projects and exams 🥲🥲 and yea ldr is so so tough and its so hard to keep my emotions in check because of how big of an overthinker i am so im always just having sleepless nights, constant nightmares and sometimes even sleep paralysis 🥲 i guess im becoming more independent from this whole experience though! forces me to become a whole even without everyone by my side and to continue living and functioning, doing what i should be doing!
i love coming to talk to u and reading all your responses too!! 🩵 m alw looking forward to your replies and your kind words to me hehehehe keeps me going!!!
love, 🍑
i've spent the weekend in bed becuase i'm sick again! i binged s2 of the summer i turned pretty and i cried a whole bunch. i love how they really took the angsty route this season--really showed how diff people deal with grief! probs gonna call out tomorrow because i've been sneezing like crazy and my voice is lowkey gone ;; i think i'm gonna try to get some writing done and post a teaser for a story that may never be completed but it's too good to just stay in my drafts!!
oh sure, i have my masters in education. i went thru a one year ma program with a teacher's cred tied into it too. my program was unique in that they condensed a two year prog into one accelerated and it was the toughest year of my life tbh. working full time as a teacher and going to school full time for basically two degrees was tough.
i love all my ideas but i haven't been able to finish them!!! i really want to get them out to the world bc theyre too good to sit in my drafts but it's so incomplete!! the one i am thinking about posting can be a standalone because its such an open-ended ending but there's still WAY more planned for it.
if you have time, playing games together online is a good way to keep in contact. we played pictionary on a website and it was super fun during the pandemic a lot!
it looks like youre slowly getting your ducks in a row for the internship despite the stress! but i see how missing your so and friends can affect your mood. feeling alone is never the best feeling and i totally see where you are coming from. but look at you, you're already looking at the positives out of your stressful situation! that's so great! you can only go up from here, you know? and listen, this is something i always tell my students, each person has their own timeline--their own time to make mistakes, to figure out what they want or need, etc. you may take longer than others but you don't need to worry about others. worry about you and focus on the things you can do for yourself to make you better. and if you make a mistake, that's just a lesson you can take. it's all about your growth mindset!
love u lots!!!
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Well I Got The Thing I Needed, I Guess…
I have to learn to do everything my own way, as doing something with someone else’s perspective is just not possible. I have to be difficult all the time huh…
My body stays the same even tho it feels like my brain switches. Perspectives change. Beliefs. Realisations. Like the person I was 1 hour ago was dark and gloomy and quick to anger. irritated. But BPD irritation. I wanted to turn into a tornado and rip thru my entire house taking everyone up in it. Lol. Jk. But fr… and the person I am now is nothing like that. I don’t even think that way at all, why would I even want to it sounds like a war zone over there. Lets remember the parts of ourselves that occupy the body when the body is feeling so dark. She’s still us. Thats still me. Lol how do I say that? Im still me. Thats better. Im so sick of these walls in my brain keeping me from the other sides of myself, I can’t stay in the dark space for very long without scratching my way out. And its painful. Am I supposed to stay in that feeling until it passes? Coz sometimes it feels like it doesn’t fucking end, so I grab my bong and then I’m better. But weed is limited. Sometimes I think ill be better if I was just on the right meds. Im still very upset about my psych trip. And it makes me feel so discouraged to even continue trying…. But. I will keep trying. As long as I have weed to lean on, I’m straight as. But I’m not ignoring the darkness by trying to feel better. I can look at it in another perspective. I gotta do better. I gotta do better. The bruised knuckles do give me character tho. I should message A more quickly next time, she really did an amazing job at switching my perspective, its like she knows exactly how to talk to me. Im so grateful.
+ the weed makes me write better. Its easier to write down the thoughts… I found myself sounding like my hippie ass aunty telling my little sister that thoughts become things lol. Its such a shame that I’m actually crazy because no one really believes me lol. thoughts do become things tho, she was right, I just didn’t see the bigger picture, and I guess no one ever really will until they can for themselves. THANK YOU FOR PAIN. You give your shadow self love by learning how to thank the pain, and the hard journey, and the sleepless nights and teary eyes. Learning better methods, keeping yourself out of thought loops by treating every single day as brand new. Realising no ones got a problem with me lol. Im not a problematic person.
anyways…. Whats been going on wed chyall? Lol imagine all that trauma dumping and then I sip my tea. Your turn aunty. I’m always trine rush finish something because the act of doing something for too long freaks me out. Thats gotta be that ADHD hoe, which will be fixed if I fkn get my right meds bro wtf!!! D: like so much of my problems would be fixed if I just had the fun goddamn meds Jesus FUCK. Is it that hard around here? They think imma pill popper bro won’t even give me valium anymore, dogs. No fkn wonder why I’m smoking like smokey mother fucker, my shits al the way fucked up my boy. Give me the fucking pills lmaoooo. And up them anti-psychotics while your at it lmaoooo.
Does anyone else have conversations with other people in your head? Thats a normal thing right? Well the convos in my head are too quick to for me to write down, but they be having me fucked up on some different shit. I just did it, I just stopped a bad thought for manifesting bigger and replaced it with a better one AS SOON as it appeared. Sometimes I’m not quick enough and it catches me instead. I sat with myself today, I don’t even remember what I wrote in the ideation one. But I remember what mindset I was in, I’m curious to see how honest with myself I was. I can be honest with myself right now and day I don’t think I did good enough. There were times where I was thinking I really don’t wanna do this anymore. I forgot what I needed to remember, which was to redirect all go those feelings into positive ones, I know these things, but at some point, every emotion on peak feels the same, so I was historically crying on the way home, recklessly, because I forgot to remind myself, to switch the thought, look at everything else thats good, and setback or something super annoying happening is because your energy is needed elsewhere!! Butterfly effect, nothing in the end is bad. Its just a redirection, stop being so controlling, and let it be, let it flow, while you only control yourself, your reactions and your thoughts. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions are my kryptonite.
The problem is my thought patter, and how it recycles the same 10-30 sentences over and over again. Some fkn crazy delulu, some that genuinely make sense cuz, and then the same normal other shit, right???? lol. Idk what I’m saying anymore but sometimes I ramble write (all the time) and I read it back and its dope as fuck and I actually make sense.
My poor knuckles are busted all because I knocked and no one answered. Well nah fuck, it was that, and then it was the non answered door last week too, its the non answered phone calls its the non answered emails like broooo. Should not be this hard to see a psychiatrist in my city I swear to god. Without weed I’m completely self destructive, I need to build my strength on my other positive coping mechanisms because typing really hurts. And I love to write. Self destructive me is very overwhelmed and unsure how to untangle everything so everything comes out as a big fat cry.
#blogging#new blog#mental health#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing
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Namana Fruit
Pairing: Din Djarin x reader
Words: 2.7k
Summary: You are OVERWORKED, and Din is here to provide comfort.
Warnings: mild cursing (Star Wars curses & not), cuddle time, food industry cause thats a warning all on its own, established relationship, just lots of fluff with our little mismatched space family
A/N: I got this idea working a handful of shifts directly from hell at my last job, and it gave me something to think about to get through them. I feel like it worked pretty well for the other half of a request I got since I turned the other one into a chapter 😂 Thanks @deceiverofgodss for beta reading as always, it's been a while since I went back to our roots 😂 Hope you enjoy! 💖
Money was tight.
“Do we have enough fuel to get to Nevarro?” Din shook his head. Dank farrik…
You’d stopped on the outer rim planet of Bakura for a much-needed repair. But since the Razor crest didn’t have a repulsorlift engine, which was one of the planet’s main exports, the mechanic had decided to run you an additional convenience fee for his troubles when the repairs had been finished. It had set you back far more than Din had ever budgeted for, always smart with what credits he had in order to make sure there was enough food for three mouths, and at least enough fuel to get to another job.
“There’s enough to make it around Bakura, but not enough to get anywhere off-planet unless we want to drift to the next closest planet. And this is the only breathable atmosphere in the sector, so that’s out.” Din’s dry humor made an appearance, and you couldn’t help but smile and roll your eyes despite the stressful situation.
“Well, plan B … we head into town, and see what we can find.” You’d never been this low on credits, Din had never let that happen, so this was never something you had to fall back on. “There’s bound to be work for you there, people losing their way in the forest or something. And I’m sure the local cantina could use a hand, as long as they don’t mind the kid tagging along.”
“You don’t have to do that, I’ll find work.”
“Din, we only have money for a few days of food past the ration packs from last stock up,” you tried to reason. “Let me help.”
That’s what brought you behind the counter at the cantina, scrubbing namana fruit bits out of the processor. You’d become very familiar with the native fruit while working here, as the locals liked to make it into liquors, candies, and anything they could come to think of. It had a very pleasing effect, and you imagined it could become very addictive, so it wasn’t uncommon for patrons to ask for a splash of the juice in many of their drinks. The juice’s orange color tended to leave its mark on all the equipment, and with the planet-wide aversion to droids, the barkeep was more than happy to put you to work in the battle against the orange stains.
Truth be told, you’d lucked out on the gig. The owner of the cantina was an older gentleman, and though he wouldn’t admit it, you were almost positive he had taken pity on you; he had a soft spot for the kid, and after understanding your situation, he’d struck a bargain.
“Look… our exporters can get pretty greedy. Seen my fair share of folks come through here, too down and out about the scam to know what to do with themselves. But this little fella shouldn’t have to pay that price,” he explained, holding a finger out for the kid to grab onto from his place on the counter. “You’re a hard worker. As long as you keep it up, your party eats here, on the house. Including your Mandalorian.”
And you followed through on your promise. You worked until your bones ached, making certain you not only had your promised credits to bring home, but that the meals you were provided were well earned.
Luckily, the cantina hadn’t been too crazy today, allowing the rest of your body a small break as you fought with the stains on the processor, the child happily snacking on the counter beside you. It was right as you had finished reassembling the processor that now looked like it was brand new that someone walked through the doors. Seeing the regular out of the corner of your eye, you smiled before greeting them.
“Welcome traveler, what can I get you?” you snarked as the wall of Beskar continued coming closer, and you heard a light chuckle as he settled in front of you.
“Well barkeep, I’ll go ahead and take one of these,” he played, reaching over the counter to take the kid before settling him in one arm, the other hooking into his belt. “And a Bakuran twister, double shot, triple namana juice.” Fucker. Your eyebrows shot up in an amused state of disbelief as he looked at you like he didn’t just order the most complicated, messy drink on the menu. In fact, it wasn’t on the menu, and it was the exact drink you had been complaining about the night before.
“Coming right up, Mandalorian,” you shot back at him, grabbing a glass from the counter. His shoulders dropped as he set the kid on the bar, leaning towards you.
“Don’t call me that. No, stop it, I’m kidding.”
“You ordered it,” you shrugged, trying not to laugh.
“Cyare, please.” You started grabbing bottles to mix drinks together as he pleaded. “You’re already so overworked, I’m sorry.” You couldn’t help the giggle the escaped you as you placed the cup in front of him, his helmet never leaving you. “You know I won’t drink that.” That was about as close to whining as you would ever hear from him.
“Well, then it’s a good thing I didn’t make it for you,” you responded after a moment, taking the small glass and downing it.
“Drinking on the job?” he sassed.
“I didn’t make your order, it was just fancy blumfruit juice,” you muttered, cleaning the glass you had just dirtied.
“Looks like it’s been slow today. Unless I just missed the rush?”
“No, it’s been pretty dead.” You couldn’t hide the tone of relief that seemed to come directly out of your tired body. You made a point to stand a little straighter as you continued, trying to downplay just how much you worked yourself in front of Mando. “Gave me time to make a fresh batch of namana juice and clean up the processor, so hopefully I won’t have to do it again until later tomorrow night.”
“You might not have to do it at all.” You looked back up to meet his visor. “I got a puck.” You put your hands on the counter to lean closer in, keeping the conversation out of the ears of your two other patrons.
“Guild work? Here?”
“Not necessarily… there’s a hunter who’s been here for days and can’t get a lead. He was desperate for someone to take it from him.” It was no surprise a bounty hunter with his career on the line would turn to Mando. He was damn good at his job, and any guild member would recognize it. But it sounded all too familiar to another incident that didn’t end well.
“There’s a catch.”
“It’s not my bounty. I only get part of the cut when I hand him over, they’ll turn him in for the rest.”
“What’s the cut?”
“Enough to get to Nevarro.” In normal circumstances, this would have been a horrible idea. But those deals really only need someone desperate enough to take them, right? You could tell Mando could sense your unease as you contemplated the job. “It’s just a politician avoiding arrest. He took out all the support, but lost the trail once the quarry got on planet.”
“And you have a lead?”
“Had him within the hour.” Damn, he was good at his job. “It’s not ideal, but it’ll get us out. You won’t have to work yourself to death every day.”
If anything, Mando had been desperate to find work so he could get you out of the cantina. You were treated well, the owner had been very kind. But the reason Mando had tried to never let you pick up extra work was that he knew you’d work yourself until you had nothing left. The two of you had that in common; fiercely protective of your little family, and determined to prove you’d earned what you received.
You let out a sigh as you made your peace with the situation. “When do you leave?”
“Tonight. I’ve tracked his movements to what I assume is a hideout in the woods. Shouldn’t take long.”
“So you came to say goodbye?” You shot, assuming tonight meant once the sun went down, and the sky outside was already dimming.
“I won’t leave until after you’ll be asleep. I came to retrieve the kid so you can rest after your shift.” Seeming to know you were talking about him, the green monster on the counter perked up his ears, looking at his father with curiosity in those big eyes. Mando picked him back up, stealing him away from yet another bowl of snacks on the bar. “And I’m sure after eating half of the supply of bits, you’re still hungry, you little womp rat.”
-
Din had carried the kid the whole way back to the Razor crest, encouraging him to wriggle around and climb through his father’s arms as much as possible to make bedtime easier. And when you’d finally ascended the ramp into the ship, expecting to turn and take the child back from him, you got a light tap to your rear end and a helmet up close to your ear.
“Hop in the fresher. Get something comfortable and head up to the cockpit,” he’d said softly. You turned to look at his visor, and he nodded towards the interior of the ship. You smiled and did as he’d said, grabbing your softest set of loungewear and making your way to the fresher, catching Din negotiating the womp rat into his hammock above the cot.
You always tried to be conservative with your time in the fresher, but Din must have made a point to turn up the pressure, and you were practically melting under the gentle massage of the water. It was hitting your scalp perfectly, the heat working wonders on the aches deep within your body. Once you’d pulled yourself away from the comfort of the fresher, you hummed in delight as you slipped into your clothes.
Creeping out of the fresher door to avoid waking the little one, you peeked around the hull in search of your Mandalorian, finding him stepping away from the small compartment the three of you called a bedroom, his cape already unfastened. You’d tried to step towards him, but stopped when you caught his gaze.
“Go. I’ll meet you up there,” he reassured in a hushed tone, just quiet enough to still come through his modulator smoothly. You took in the sight of him, small lights from the ship reflecting in his armor, his broad shoulders relaxed and his hip cocked out as he looked at you. Another nod up towards the cockpit from his helmet, and you quietly made your way up the ladder.
The stars shone brightly through the windshield, and settled yourself into your co-pilot’s chair to the side, sinking into the uncomfortable seat with a groan. Your body was ready to stop moving, and it took a lot for you not to just collapse in the seat, leaning your elbow against the ridge beside you and leaning in to massage your temples with your hand.
“You’re in the wrong seat, mesh’la,” you heard him chuckle as he entered the cockpit.
“Hmmm, I can only get into my seat once you get in yours,” you replied. You felt bare hands glide up your thighs and ease you up into his arms, your arms wrapping around his neck as you tucked yourself into him. You were expecting to press against his hard chest plate, but all you were met with was the flight suit that hugged his body.
He placed a hand against your back to support you as he sat back in the pilot’s chair, your legs resting outside his equally unarmoured thighs. You pushed off ever so slightly to look at him, hands sliding to his shoulders.
“Better?” he’d asked, his hands gliding easily over any part of your body he could reach. You hummed approvingly.
“You took your armor off,” you stated. “Thought you were leaving later?”
“Later. I’ve got time, figured I’d hold you.” You knew what that meant. He wanted to feel you, wanted you to feel him, without the armor. You giggled softly, wrapping yourself back around him to enjoy the feel of his body against yours, a feeling neither of you seemed to get enough of.
Din was observant. No matter how much you’d tried to hide from him how hard you’d been working, he always seemed to know exactly what you needed, your tired body molding to his. His large calloused hands rub gentle circles across your back, his head tilted back against the seat to give you plenty of room to tuck under his helmet and shove his collar down, exposing enough of his neck to place kisses the way you liked.
The two of you sat like that for what felt like hours, soaking up each other’s company as your body began to slip into sweet unconsciousness. But Din’s deep voice rumbling softly through his chest pulled you from fully slipping away at the last moment, most likely thinking you were already asleep.
“You work yourself too hard, cyare,” he said softly, one of his hands moving to run through your hair comfortingly.
“I say that to you far too often,” you managed quietly, your voice breaking as your vocal cords woke back up. You felt Din’s surprise as his body reacted, wrapping his arms around you a little bit tighter.
“I stand by it. I hate to see you work until your body hurts,” he said earnestly. In the soft, private setting of the cockpit, it was almost startling how much more expressive Din gets. Or maybe you were just able to pick up on it easier since the two of you had been together. “Gar shuk meh kyrayc.”
“What does that mean?” you questioned tenderly, always in awe at the pieces of Mando’a he chose to share with you, as well as other parts of his Mandalorian culture.
“You're no use dead.” You scoffed at him, and he could feel you roll your eyes. “It's usually meant to imply that you need to rest, which you do.”
"Alright, well I'll stop when you do."
"Yeah?” He asked with a chuckle. “Maybe after this job, I'll retire"
"I'll believe it when I see it,” you giggled. Both of you knew he could never, he wouldn’t want to. He thrived on the work, liked doing it. Above all he liked being able to provide, both for his small clan and other Mandalorian tribes, still hurting from the displacement of his own. “You could just take it easy on yourself every once in a while. Not worrying me to death would be nice.”
“That’s what makes me one of the best.” You could hear the smirk on his lips, the ones you knew to be soft and delicate, and you wondered how bright his smile must be.
“How does all of that ego fit inside your helmet?” you poked with a yawn, feeling the rumble of his silent laughter in his chest. His hands moved to fit under your thighs, tucking you in even impossibly closer as he sat himself a little straighter.
“Tired?” You nodded against his neck, trying to stifle another one from escaping your body. “Let’s get you to bed, love. You’ve more than earned it.”
No matter how many times he’d done it, developing a system to do it smoothly, it was like being swept up off of your feet again each time he carefully carried you down to the hull of the ship. Everyone else saw his intimidating, brutal front as the Mandalorian. You loved being able to fall in love with the soft, gentle side of Din Djarin each time you were able to lock yourselves away from the rest of the galaxy.
You were out almost as soon as he had settled you into the small compartment that was never meant to be a bed, yet had managed to contain three beings tightly huddled together. Before you could fully slip into sleep, you felt his lips press against your cheek, his helmet tilted just high enough to allow him a quick goodnight kiss.
...
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#din djarin x reader#the mandalorian x reader#din djarin fluff#the mandalorian#din djarin#din djarin x you#my sweet little womp rat is here#my writing#kam writes#writerlyhabits
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