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demonytekav · 3 years

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So update on my nakedness (lol I wonder if anyone is thinking wtf why they keep putting it like that).

My family that was visiting finally left.

Of course not without my Aunt making sure to sit me down at the dining room table and grilling me. Trying to pry and ask what my issues are. Basically making me feel like I was getting an intervention talk but also not.

I kept my answers vague even when she asked “Am I digging too much” and I said “yes” she said “Well there are no barriers between us we don’t keep secrets”. And then kept trying to dig.

I played it cool and kept steering back to my old job but she kept trying to steer me towards relationships or other overly personal shit. And kept trying to dig into why I don’t basically throw myself into dating full speed. I tried to explain that I wanted to live on my own and learn how to support myself without relying on another person before I tried to even get serious with someone. I need to know I am safe if the relationship broke down and that I can manage to live on my own without worry that I couldn’t afford it etc. But apparently that’s not a good answer and I’m supposed to be dating regardless of if I want to work on myself or not.

Mind you, we are having this conversation in front of my parents (the root of every fucking issue I have) and two other people who I am not comfortable opening up to or around.

So not only is she trying to get extremely private info out of me that I wouldn’t tell anyone, she was trying to do it in front of my antagonizers.

I get people wanting to help. But when I say no I hate that my family doesn’t understand NO. That entire conversation was so draining and having to spend an hour and a half dodging shit smoothly so she wouldn’t ask more was absolute horseshit.

I feel like some of my weeks of progress to heal myself have been for nothing since now I feel like I’m taking several steps back AGAIN. I keep feeling pressured and I equated it to feeling like someone ripped my skin off and keeps poking my bare muscles and it’s agony.

It’s so hard when I’m trying to move forward and YES it’s slow, much slower than normal I guess, but they won’t let me just do it at MY pace. I wake up feeling so tired all the time and just so resentful of the day.

I don’t want to talk to people anymore because I don’t want to be pressured into talking about myself. I have a friend who I have asked her MANY times not to pry and that I didn’t want to talk about me when she calls me. She gets about 10 minutes and then circles back trying to pry or brings up my issues and I just stopped answering her calls. She’s extremely needy and now sent me a message telling me about her abandonment issues and that she knows I’m going through stuff but she needs me to answer her call. And I’m torn because YES I feel bad for not answering. But I also feel BAD and exhausted that she won’t quit poking and prodding me even when I say “I don’t want to talk about that”. I just want to have a nice fun conversation without having to constantly talk negatively. (Not to mention she keeps trying to pressure me into doing activities and I get asking me if I want to join but take my no when I say no damn it.)

I’m kind of damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I feel so guilty all the time for not being mentally available to certain people.

But I had been so proud of myself because I finally started to slowly talk to others again, I found a small community (outside of bkdk lol) and I could just have normal conversations about whatever the fuck. They never HAD to be about me and allowed me to talk to people and help people without HAVING to talk about me unless I wanted to.

But people around me make me feel like that big step was nothing. I don’t want to have overly personal conversations with people who want to tell me how I need to be and act disappointed that I’m not whoever the fuck they think I’m needing to be.

I’m glad my family is gone now.

Only interesting thing that I wish I could have pointed out to everyone was how my step dad was bullying my Aunts husband the entire week and she was so angry and upset about it, that bullying is exactly how I live 24/7 and have been since I was 7 years old. But then I’d have to share personal shit and I’d rather not. So I kept my mouth shut. I just felt kinda validated that oh yeah, see it’s not just me….

Fuck I’m tired.

Sometimes I wish I cared less about other people’s feelings.

Sometimes I wish I could not feel guilty for doing things for me.

Sometimes I wish I could just say “Fuck you.” And be okay to walk away.

Too bad I’m scared of the consequences after years of abuse and ‘you didn’t do what I wanted so here’s your punishment’.

Sometimes I wish I could be that asshole I KNOW is in me. They are RIGHT there. My monster under the bed if you will. That I hide and pretend doesn’t exist.

Good news for me, I’m going to talk to a therapist as soon as my new insurance kicks in. See if that helps. Might not, but I don’t want to feel less than human all the time so I want to try.

Hopefully this is the last of the naked serious of events because it’s kinda cold…

#kav talks #personal #I feel like I haven’t slept in a month

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seyaryminamoto · 3 years

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I'm so hype about the overwatch deathlock rebels, finally my gurl Ashe gets a more clear background story but I sad at the same time because it seems like many hate ashe for unreasonable causes. They hate Ashe just because she gets in the way of a their ship. These are the same people who said they're not in the overwatch fandom because of ships, but throws rock just because McAshe is hinted to crush/smth. Btw I'm a McGenji shipper but I do like McAshe stuffs too and I see its potential as canon

Oh, mad respect to you, McGenji anon, mad respect. I've been so out of things lately because I'm still REELING from that book, I swear I have never known a feeling quite like this one? xD I was afraid the book might end up validating a lot of toxic ideas people had about Ashe, but instead I feel it completely outruled them and showed that, whether people like it or not, she and McCree had a pretty good relationship (whether you wanna see it as romantic or not) back in the day. The minute these two were face to face in Reunion my shipper senses just went BONKERS, and I already thought that Reunion was all they'd ever give us, canon-wise... but nope, they just went all out with this book and now there's so much more context to so many little things in Reunion too *sobs* I am completely overtaken by these cowboy renegades, my head's cowboy brainrot 24/7 since June 1st xD

But yep, people are really unbearable with their mindless Ashe hate. I keep thinking that, if she were a guy, everyone trashing her would jump at the opportunity to ship her with just every possible male character they could find, not only McCree. I don't even know, honestly, just how difficult can it be to ship what you ship without turning any characters into boogeymen because "they get in the way of the ship"? It's a childish, dumbass thing I've seen in fandoms since I was a kid and I can't believe I'm still seeing it happen in this godforsaken year of 2021. Ashe and McCree are absolutely at odds in the latest events in Overwatch's timeline: I love the idea of them slowly regaining their trust in each other while working together to stop Null Sector, Talon or whatever they'll be fighting in OW2. But anyone who DOESN'T ship them? They can easily imagine whatever else they want to imagine for their future and move on just fine. McAshe absolutely can be seen as a past relationship, or even as a past friendship with unresolved feelings, when making content for any other ship with McCree or Ashe, if they even feel the need to acknowledge it altogether. It's not even challenging to do this.

Heck, as someone who has spent ages creating content for a ship that, however much traction it has gained lately, isn't likely to become canon, where one half of the ship has been in a canon, confirmed, actual relationship since the show ended (even if it's still not confirmed as his endgame relationship), this hissy fit by the Ashe haters, mainly from the-ship-that's-better-off-not-named, is beyond ridiculous. I've written stories where a canon relationship ends, giving way to my OTP, WITHOUT trashing the other character in the canon relationship, and without turning her into a monster just to justify my ship's existence. If I can do that without a hitch, I don't see how they can't? It makes no sense to me, honestly.

There's also an apparent uproar because McCree and Ashe are "het" now? There's no canon confirmed sexuality for either of them to this moment, no matter if there were definite sparks flying in Deadlock Rebels, just as there was no confirmed sexuality before the book. A lot of people think of McCree as bi, and that headcanon wasn't killed somehow by the contents of this book, was it? Heck, I'm even thinking of games like Dragon Age, where straight characters have deliberately been written to reject advances from any same-sex MCs, and players have made mods to romance them with same-sex MCs anyway because they don't give a flying fuck about canon sexuality if it's straight. In my experience? That's how fandom always works. Typically, it's when characters are confirmed gay that anyone who shipped them in straight relationships have to back off, since it's highly frowned upon to alter the sexuality of any gay characters. But even if a character has nothing but opposite-sex love interests in canon, the fandom always does whatever it wants. Why the heck is it different here, to the point of spewing that much vitriol at Ashe just because she exists and McCree is/was into her?

Oof, I just say live and let die, man. Frankly, I am living the dream with this book, I've loved every new tidbit of lore it offered, especially those recontextualized hints of Reunion content (hell, even the "plothole" with the Est. 1976 in the Deadlock logo was addressed, it's amazing xD). Apparently, McAshe shippers aren't entitled to "canon status" thanks to the cinematic, or through all the history these two characters share, history that's been expanded through this book... I find that fair and valid, but just so, no other ship is entitled to demand for canon status, not in this franchise, not in anything else, as far as I'm concerned. Blizzard has made a bunch of bad choices in the last years, there's no denying that, but as far as I can tell, caving in to what a certain cluster of fans demand just because their ship is "popular" has NEVER resulted in anything good. If anything, every time I've seen big media give in to whatever their loudest fans want, the quality of their content tends to spiral downwards at ridiculously rapid speed, because that isn't what their creative vision used to be, and it's not an organic choice but a forced one, done just to sell more (and typically, they don't achieve that goal at all). Could list a few examples of that, but I'd be here all day, I suspect x'D

At any rate, thank you for being such a good sport, McGenji Anon :D shippers who respect other ships are the absolute best and I'm really happy to know there's people like you out there in the OW fandom. I'm not crazy active in the OW fandom myself, partly because I can't even play the game, only watch friends play it, and because I have signed my life off to Sokkla, as everyone knows... but I gotta say, the ideas, the THOUGHTS that have come to mind over this unbelievable book... I've already doodled a couple of them and if I had enough time to go all out, I absolutely would xD Now, I just need to see how to buy myself an Ashe keychain and then I'll be set to cry about these two for life. I've been doing plenty of progress on that front as it is... X'D

#mcgenji anon #I'll call ya that (?)#but honestly #HONESTLY #I never ask canon for anything #I always assume they'll take a dump on my hopes and dreams #because it keeps on happening in every fandom practically #and with OW being the weird storytelling messy mess it is #the fact that they've fed the McAshe nation this well #is unbelievable and I am very fortunate and grateful for it #every day since June 1st I've woken up thanking the universe for this book #and I'm probs gonna do that for 20 years more #just as Ashe has spent 20 years holding onto the bike they built #and the keychain he gave her #comes from gold but she's tough as steel #*gross sobbing* HE IS A POET #honestly he is so bold about his interest in her #I never thought he would be so open about it and I am HERE for it thank you Jesse

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in-tua-deep · 4 years

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tua s1 rewatch - end

Less bc I am tired

Episode 8

I still have no idea how old Claire is supposed to be

Honestly Patrick was like... the first person who enforced boundaries and enacted consequences on Allison tbh and she didn’t even hesitate to use her powers even though they’d clearly discussed it before

I heard a rUMOR YOU LIKE BROCOLI?? WHICH SIBLING DID SHE USE THAT ON?

Roommate making the realization face about Leonard’s new prosthetic eye

Vanya our here like “my teen bullshit actually has a body count” a la heathers

Klaus not remembering his first is depressing but given by the fact that luther seemed surprised a girl was in his bed and had to check if he was naked indicates that,,, luther doesn’t remember his first either

Five knows EXACTLY where the aspirin in... buddy tell me you are taking stronger pain meds when you are getting shot and knifed

Pogo out here like “it was a difficult choice for both of us” like grace had a choice at all considering her programming was literally altered

I agree with luther tbh “there’s always a choice” damn

Tag yourself I’m five with his head in his hands with probably a killer headache

Leonard: it’s not your fault what happened to those guys

Roommate: yeah dude I’m pretty sure it’s yours

I love Agnes bless

The Netflix subtitles spell oof as ouf and idk what to do with that

Roommate theorizes that tua takes place in New York with the evidence that the cop dude says that Diego is being transferred up state and New Yorkers say that

Babie Vanya looks like kids I know tbh

Leonard keeps looking more unhinged and awful the longer I look at him tbh

Vanya gives Reginald one (1) tiny scratch and he decides to drug her and emotionally abuse her for the rest of her life :/

Five limping into the bar: CONTINUITY

Luther really said “hmm think I will launch into a depressive episode”

Maybe cha cha should take a nap and then maybe she’d calm down instead of bloWING UP GRIDDYS I forgot she did that

Sergeant cheDDAR I forgot his name was fucking CHEDDAR - all I can think about is the dog from b99

Vanya blease your boyfriend is a serial killer

Okay Leonard was definitively and canonically thirteen for the murder of his father

Vanya out here with her chemicals being WACK bc of cold turkey quitting her whole ass meds designed to numb her emotions like ouch

But also Allison is this the right time to tell ur sister that you were used to erase every shred of self confidence she ever had and also make you forget her cool ass powers

Vanya be like “look me in the eye and tell me you’re not threatened now” like yeAH VANYA YOURE BEING PRETTY DAMN THREATENING RIGHT NOW

Episode nine (I think?? I didn’t realize where the episodes switched over)

Leonard has directly killed at least three people so far but one (his dad) definitely deserved it and indirectly killed at least two more

She doesn’t even really get scOLDED FOR KILLING THE NANNIES JUST HER NAME IN A FIRM TONE NO FUCKING WONDER SHE KEPT ON KILLING

Huh does that mean vanyas body count is higher than Leonard’s?? There were at least three dead nannies and she killed those two dudes as well 🤔

Five doesn’t even bother insisting on volunteering bc he is thirteen and has also already lost a lot of blood I mean seriously

The whole making klaus get up by throwing a knife at him... sibling moon although Diego has a lot better aim than MY sister who always managed to hit me in the face with anything she threw at me :/

Leonard is poking the bear here and I really don’t know what he expected when vanya straight up kills him

“I really don’t know what he expected to get out of that.” -roommate

Aannnndddd check for five again on the “klaus heart to heart” list with that addiction discussion

Five is SO BEYOND giving a fuck by the time hazel shows up and five offers him a margherita ... he can’t even be bothered to get up and interfere with Diego and hazel

Though to be fair five does have a GUT WOUND so smashing a bowl over their heads is valid

Roommate: more scripts need to have hugs in them

Me: ...not this one

Roommate: w,, why. Why. You find out your sister has powers and instead of being a reasonable person you choke her

I’m blaming pogo for this as well because luther wouldn’t have known about the basement soundproof vault that luther put her in :/

Like pogo painted the WORST picture and told them about the people she killed and everything which informed luthers decision to lock her up which,, Vanya was a little kid with no real concept of death

“Maybe while he’s here he can pick up something new to wear” - roommate while five dropped Dolores off at the department store

Luther isn’t guarding Vanyas cell 24/7,,, the others could have done something or like?? At least stayed down there with her? So she isn’t horrifyingly alone thinking she’s been left to die?

Episode ten

I erased reginalds weird alien origins from my mind honestly because... I just don’t care about him. Like. At all? Fuck this man I wish he didn’t exist in s2 :/

The mansion really do be a walking house of triggers for Vanya huh

“I’m going to posit something. Pogo has no culpability as a being of his own free will, he’s just a second hargreeves. He’s just a second pair of hands to what hargreeves intended. He’s just a walking mouthpiece.” - roommate but that’s okay because I hate Reginald more than I hate pogo actually

I’m okay with pogo dying tbh and even the roommate isn’t exactly torn up about it

Goodbye mansion

Me, remembering this is the last episode: it’s been 84 years...

Five coming in late to find the academy in rubble like :0

Wow I still really hate the handler speaking Yiddish and the unfortunate implications that it has, just in general

“I have to respect she went home to change into formal wear and apply eye liner before ending the world” - roommate on Vanyas concert outfit

I’m amused by the bowling and the shoes but sad about the content :(

Five this is what you get from accepting candy from creepy women honestly

He just DITCHES

Why is Allison even salty at luther for sleeping with a girl. She MARRIED a man and had a child and Luther wasn’t salty I don’t think?

I feel like the handler could have kept five there for way longer before he caught on tbh

Agnes has had... a day

Luther and Diego are DUMBASSES

Ben taking care of BUSINESS

Roommate has questions about when exactly Vanya was photographed to put into the promotional material for the concert and honestly?? Now I do as well especially since they established Vanyas suit was at her apartment

“IS THAT A SUPER POWER INDUCED COSTUME CHANGE? Ya love to see it” roommate on Vanyas white outfit

Five really didn’t need to jump and also like BRO HE HAS A SHRAPNEL WOUND

Oh we can’t let Allison do any heavy lifting bc of her throat

Five has a GUT WOUND

As someone who had appendicitis and had to get that shit our gut surgery fucking sucks I couldn’t do shit for like a week and a half

Sibling energy is immediately rejecting fives plan then being like “okay what is it”

Their fucking bowling shoes I’m still yelling about it

THE END

and a picture of my cat bc i accidentally put it in here so enjoy a mia

#tua rewatch #done with s1 lads #actually finished it monday night and forgot to post this oops #will move onto s2 SOON #finally amiright #far tua long #long post

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yslore · 3 years

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Writing Asks

thank u to sarah @soldouthaz, lily @theisolatedlily and late @tomlinvelvetfics for tagging me !!

1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted

started in eighth grade after moving which fucked me up (i’m still to recover lmao) n i needed a distraction, reading had always helped but writing is what let me see what the root of my agony was. (im not trying to be pretentious i swear) i first started on wattpad (love hate relationship to this day) and beginning of lockdown this year gravitated to ao3 which has been my saving grace !!!

2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?

so far i’ve mostly written in louis’ pov. i’ve had to ask this question in the early stages — i resonate the closest to harry. most of my wips are harry centric for that reason. i mean, yes and no — i tend to take some part of me and fit it into the character but at the same time i don’t like seeing me on a page so yes and no.

3. where do you often find inspiration?

EVERYWHERE. mostly others’ stories be it in the way of songs, music, writing, art. usually it’s me coming across a vaguely aesthetic picture and my brain spitting out one or two random scenes and me trying to make that a story.

4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?

both !!! i have new wips but also i lost a lot of motivation to do anything for a bit. school is sucking the soul out of me — it’s both easier and harder with it being online, the worst part is i can never truly feel like i’m getting a break from it. recently it’s been easier for me bc of the friends i made (ily all) it’s hindered a little bit bc i can’t go out and watch people and streetlights and the blur of cars and try to pour out that feeling into words and create something. at the same time it’s helped me gain more perspective on people and relationships which has been a massive help to writing in general.

5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence?

depending on the number of classes i have/attend, my mental stability, the story and my sensitivity. i often can’t stand loud noises so there’s that but there is always some noise or the other so it’s never truly silent. i like it that way. sometimes i just play intense studying playlist on spotify and write, Lucida by Odin Sørlie and Haunted Heart by Dawn, Dawn, Dawn are my favourites.

6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?

excessive usage of the same word in mine. in general, i’m not a fan of stereotypical characters or romanticising harmful themes.

7. describe your ideal writing setup

2 am, in bed, music still ringing in my ears, three texts from my best friend about a story or about their day. under the blanket, the room smelling of chocolate or something sweet.

8. favorite time of day to write?

anytime but afternoon. those hours are for naps.

9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?

fiction? i’d love to write a fantasy au 👀

10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it?

yep yep. i just edit an old story or read my old works or other writers’ fics. i gave up trying to force myself into writing — i hated the end product and felt bad so.

11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult?

probably the emotions? dialogue without a doubt — i dread writing it. it doesn’t come to me naturally. i can write lengths without dialogue tbh. also smut — it’s an eh eh aspect.

12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable)

my wonderful friends. they do dumb shit and i want to tell the world about their dumb shit so i make characters out of them.

13. what is your favorite and least favorite word?

as of now it is fucker — delightful word that one. least favourite is probably squelch — just no.

14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?

the dreamy feeling i manage to write without a doubt !!!! dialogue and pacing. i don’t have the best dialogue or the pacing or the length for fics but i’m working on all of those !!

15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?

still a wip so i can’t tell you much except that it’s a proper treat. will write this once i’ve posted that fic !!

16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?

*nervous laughter* the font changes from fic to fic — crush is comic sans, size 11. October was Lora, 11. Twisted in bedsheets is courier new, 11. stargazing is spectral, 11. so yeah — whatever the fic demands. single spaced !!!! except when i’m overwhelmed i do double spaces.

17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?

I Cannot Type. if you think i can — congratulations you were fooled. autocorrect is the loml.

18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?

of course !!!! i basically do not exist out of my writing.

19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?

pain, pining, longing. lust.

20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?

we’re all fucked up but we’re trying and trying sometimes is enough. you shouldn’t spend your life carved out around one person. it’s okay to ask for help and need a shoulder to lean on. i hope these come across in my future fics !!!!

21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?

bold of you to assume i’ve ever received advice.

22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?

a new fic. will update the answer once that fic is out !!!!!

23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?

chronologically. i can’t do out of order. i do have a page full of scribbles but they are to tell me the order sjakmd.

24. how do you handle criticism?

if it’s constructive then well. no thick skin tbh. makes me feel as if i need validation from someone else on my art which isn’t necessary but my brain is wired to seek it and it’s a hassle.

25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?

write everything you would want to read. write it bad, don’t worry about the quality. don’t worry about the audience. end of the day, it should be something you can turn to for comfort not something that makes you feel bad.

26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?

people telling me they like my writing and it could take them out of this world for a few minutes !!!!!

27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?

probably crush verse !!!! harry — his is probably the one character where i dump most of me in.

28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?

rant to me about anything. i enjoy talking. ask me about wips so i can take the little guilt and write more.

29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?

it’s nice to let go and express things and create characters with a better situation than mine.

30. why do you write?

keep myself busy.

boost yourself + tags

1a. share the last sentence you wrote

No kissing. No flashbacks.

2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about

a little something i’m writing inspired by @brickredtoe’s art !!!!

3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of

ok. well. from 5436 miles

“Or we could always add a trail of stars to one of those moons,” he replies, words dragged out, rolling around in his mouth.

He can see the glint in his eyes even behind his closed lids. Everything about Louis is inked and etched into every fiber of his being.

He would’ve kissed him, words pouring from his mouth into Harry’s, only half his.

He snorts. “And make it seem like the moon has a buttplug? No, thanks.”

4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s)

both my published fics have circular endings.

5436 miles — Louis always had more stars in his eyes.

these tornadoes are for you — His heart beats in peace.

5a. link to the last fic you read.

sugary sweet by the immensely talented @soldouthaz

6a. link the last work you published

here

7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable)

wheeee

8a. someone that inspires you

taylor. she’s so so wonderful.

9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year

all of riv, sarah, ris and late’s fics. they’ve been so so comforting. Event Horizon by @mercurial-madhouse

10a. other writers that you’d like to tag!

@mercurial-madhouse @harryanthus are the only ones coming to mind atm. i’ve been up for too long apologies.

#long post #games #writing asks #q q q

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serialreblogger · 4 years

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Tagging Game

thank you for the tag @theproblemwithstardust!

rules: tag 10 people you think would like to be tagged, and copy/paste the asks into a new post. Answer all/as many of them as you want!

1. do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen? bold of you provide such a boring binary. i prefer green

2. would you prefer to live in the country or in the city? again: no. give me Forest or give me death

3. if you could learn a new skill, what would it be? FLIGHT

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? so MUCH. i have to add half of it at the hot water station at work and half at my desk so my coworkers don’t catch on that i’m a hummingbird in human form

5. what was your favorite book as a child? one??? well i loved The Girl Who Could Fly by Victoria Forester. When i was little i read pretty much whatever i could get my hands on tho, most of which were really old and British for some reason? which is why i now talk like a horrific combination of “abominable tumblrite” and “Victorian aristocrat”

6. do you prefer baths or showers? BATHS but only if i can play music to drown out the sound of my ears ringing

7. if you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? i WOULD be a dryad, but if i could choose i’d be a shapeshifter (capable of transforming into anything and everything)

8. paper or electronic books? i hoard books like a dragon hoards gold, but like. electronic books are also valid (no no look i’m not elitist, some of my best friends are fanfics)

9. what is your favorite item of clothing? i have a sky blue dress shirt that is the perfect fabric and colour and shape and i love it so much

10. do you like your name? would you like to change it? my Name is Linden, and i love it. my legal name is distressingly ugly and i hate it

11. who is a mentor to you? dang, friend, i don’t think i trust any adults enough for them to count

12. would you like to be famous? if so, what for? i would like to be famous for writing excellent, world-changing fantasy fiction. it will have actual representation and will be so popular that no one will remember the name of that other british writer, she who must not be named

13. are you a restless sleeper? ehh i don’t have insomnia but like. i don’t -enjoy- sleeping

14. do you consider yourself to be a romantic person? nah fam i’m MUCH to screwed up for that. i like romance well enough but i’m awkward as heck, doubly so with romance. sorry Cris, i love you

15. which element best represents you? aether! i am Edgy

16. who do you want to be closer to? some of my irl friends, i guess, bc i’m real bad at relationship maintenance sometimes

17. do you miss someone at the moment? i miss my girlfriend!

18. tell us about an early childhood memory. my childhood had happy parts but i mostly remember all that trauma, so imma give y’all a pass on that one

19. what is the strangest thing you have eaten? honestly, probably calamari. i’m not an adventurous eater. but i do like me some nice rubbery squid

20. what are you most thankful for? i just got a job, which means i can (hopefully) move out in the next little bit!

21. do you like spicy food? NO i do NOT enjoy the feeling of flame inside my mouth, i am TOO WHITE for that

22. have you ever met someone famous? Ryan Reynold’s brother’s cousin or something works at our local Costco, does that count?

23. do you keep a diary or journal? it’s called a “tumblr blog”

24. do you prefer to use pen or pencil? pencil!

25. what is your star sign? i like 🌠

26. do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? unpopular opinion but soggy cereal is better

27. what would you want your legacy to be? i want something i do to have a real, significant, important impact on the justice of this awful world. i want my life to make it easier for the kids who come after me to live theirs

28. do you like reading? What was the last book you read? i LOVE reading but these days it’s only fanfiction. Do you accept The Reverb in These Holy Halls by @wolftraps? I hope so because it well surpasses most fiction for thematic complexity and superb characterization, do recommend

29. what are you afraid of? literally everything

30. what is your favorite scent? i don’t really like scents, but i love the smell of my girlfriend’s house

31. do you address older people by their name or surname? i prefer to simply Not address them (because i want to call them by their surname but at this point i’m also an adult and that’s apparently weird)

32. if money was not a factor, how would you live your life? i would MOVE OUT. then take a part-time desk job and spend the rest of my time growing succulents and writing stories

33. do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? mmm also no

34. what would you do if you found $50 in the ground? honestly i’d probably ask the nearest person if it was theirs, and they would say yes even though it wasn’t and i wouldn’t clue in until i was halfway down the block

35. if you were to get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i GENUINELY don’t trust myself enough to get a tattoo. i’m not permanent enough for that. but if i had to i’d probably pick a little, colourful, very pretty tree design and put it on my ankle or the inside of my wrist

36. what can you hear now? Welcome To The Black Parade by MCR

37. where do you feel the safest? lol imagine feeling safe

38. if you could travel back to any era, what would it be? look if i existed at any point prior to today i would, 100% without doubt, be dead by now. that said the 1920s had some sweet hair jewelry

39. what is your most used emoji? 😊

40. describe yourself using one word. contradictory

41. what do you regret the most? who i used to think i was. the person i tried to be

42. last movie you saw? The Meg (hey, it has a surprisingly good romance subplot. i was actually mildly invested, A+ for a canon m/f ship in a dumb action movie. Also it has Attractive Bruce Willis in it, so bonus points)

43. last tv show you watched? i think it was Community

44. invent a word and its meaning: Hieuule is from my current wip. It means “treasure/wealth of spirit”

ok imma tag @onionwithanxiety, @existentialcrisisetcetera, @hitsuaya, @imthesheikofaraby, @elmofongo, @oliver-in-retrograde, @thenorsiest, @lunarmultishine, @marshmallow-fluffy and @affzinho! I’d love to see y’all’s responses (but please don’t feel pressured, of course) and anyone else who wants to do this, consider yourselves tagged by yours truly!!

#ask game #tagging game #long post

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themjinterviews-blog · 5 years

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16. shake ya ass, watch ya self.

1.) applesauce or pudding?

Situational… If I’m eating ham or pork chops, I’d chose applesauce. If I want dessert I’d choose puddin'.

2.) what was your initial reaction when you first realized that your parents had to have had sex to have you?

My parents are asexual robots who found me in a dumpster and took me in as their own.

3.) if you could create ANY mix-up or mythical animal and have it be brought to life, what would it be?

I’d create a combination of Kanye West + a Hyppogriff from Harry Potter.

4.) what kind of bread do you prefer?

Potato bread, multi-grain, muffins of the English kind.

5.) describe a moment that is a prominent memory, but didn’t have a strong impact on your life.

How purple and wide the sky looks at dusk on a rural farm highway in northern North Dakota.

6.) what is the quote/lyric that you relate to most?

I have quotes for every occasion and situation in life. I’ll spare you the tedium.

7.) if there was one problem/issue you could wipe off the face of the earth, what would it be?

Childhood abuse. Kids should never have to be subjected to that shit, kids can’t psychologically fix themselves.

8.) do you think everyone in our lives serves a purpose, or are some people just there?

If we choose to find and see a purpose, yes. The truth of the matter is, kiddos, that shit happens randomly…for no actual reason…and it’s up to us and only us to connect the dots into whatever picture we want to see.

9.) Favorite knock-knock/cheesy joke?

This one is fun to do when walking around the neighborhood. Simply go up to the front door and yell: Knock....Knock… (Whose there?) County Sheriff's department! Open up we have a warrant!

10.) how do you feel about getting your picture taken?

If I can somehow manage to not look like a disheveled fuck when it’s taken.

11.) most embarrassing poster you’ve ever owned?

Wasn’t really a poster-child. Pun intended.

12.) what are the 3 worst movies of all time?

Just flip to whatever channel Hallmark or Lifetime is on your TV…I’m sure you'll find them without trouble.

13.) when was the last time you were in a public setting and a stranger annoyed you?

It’s usually an inevitable side effect of leaving the house. I get that they may not be in a hurry and I get that they can’t read my mind but I always find myself wishing I could yell “MOVE A LITTLE FUCKING FASTER OR AT LEAST SCOOT YOUR INDECISIVE ASS AND YOUR GIGANTIC, OVERPRICED BABY STROLLER OUT OF THE GODDAMN CENTER OF THE AISLE” without feeling like a dick.

14.) what is a quirk you find cute in a significant other?

Someone who also enjoys messing with people and being weird for no reason.

15.) if you could make a guest appearance in ANY show, which one would you choose?

Impractical Jokers, SVU, The Good Place, Future Man.

16.) who do you think is the most underrated comedian?

Not knowledgeable enough about comedians to have an opinion about this. Sry!

17.) based on your personality, what do you think your spirit animal is?

Squirrel. I used to have a pet rescued wild squirrel. We were pretty much twinsies.

18.) color combination that you hate?

Yellow and red. There is no valid excuse for dressing like Ronald McDonald, ever.

19.) what is your favorite childhood memory?

It’s a tie between Adirondack vacations and Grandma and Grandpa’s Poconos house.

20.) what cartoon character do you most resonate with?

Eliza Thornberry. Cause she drives around in a cool RV and wanders around talking to local wildlife. I dig it.

21.) what game do you never lose at?

I’m pretty good at Cards Against Humanity and Apples2Apples sorts of games. They’re like 98% human psychology & all about reading other people.

22.) what does your dream home look like?

I don’t know or care. Any house would be a dream house because I would make it so.

23.) Honestly, do you love your family, like them, dislike them, or hate them?

I love them.

24.) pettiest argument you’ve ever been in?

You don’t even want to know. Until you like spend 48 hours trying to argue reason with a psychotically delusional person you have no idea.

25.) what is your favorite day of the week?

There's no difference for me. I don’t have a typical weekday schedule.

26.) Do you feel offended by swear words?

No. “Swear words” are like more than half of my vocabulary.

27.) Stupidest dare you’ve ever done?

Didn’t really fuck around with truth or dare.

28.) Did your parents ever compare you to your siblings or cousins growing up? Did that affect the way things turned out?

I’m the oldest child, beeeeeyotch. I set the bar pretty low though…you’re WELCOME Christie and Steven.

29.) You get to be any person in the world for a whole week. Who do you choose?

Just stay me, thanks though.

30.) one food you hate that should be destroyed at all costs?

Cottage cheese. Why does it exist??

31.) What is your favorite past time for each of the four seasons?

My hobbies don’t fluctuate much.

32.) what is something that will always make you laugh?

Impractical Jokers & Ridiculousness.

33.) what does your pet look like?

He's a “cockeranian” aka mix between a Pomeranian and a Cocker Spaniel aka cute as fuck.

34.) describe your favorite outfit.

My paint splatter jeans, long tunic, plain tee & boots.

35.) at what age did you learn to drive?

18?

36.) What is something that you own which you know you probably shouldn’t?

I have a machete. No idea how to use it.

37.) last thing you made with your own 2 hands?

Rice with teriyaki sauce.

38.) Favorite time of day?

Dusk… or like, early evening. Especially in the summer.

39.) Do you believe in ghosts, spirits, or any kind of afterlife?

Honestly, I wish I could say that I did. I feel like it’s closed-minded *not* to believe, but my brain is insanely skeptical and logical and refuses to be sold on the idea of it.

40.) if you had been voted for a ‘superlative’ in your last yearbook (class clown, laziest, most likely to become president, etc) what would you have been voted?

Most Likely to Live like a Gypsy?

41.) do you still own a landline phone?

Nope!

42.) scariest storm you’ve ever had in your town?

There was a really bad snow storm my family and I got stuck in on the way back from one of my jobs. The fire department had to rescue us

43.)skill you wish you had?

I wish I could sing better…I’m too inhibited and self-conscious about it.

44.) what is something you wish you could talk more about, but don’t for fear of what other people would say?

What is this constant obsession with others opinions about us? Most of the time, they’re vocalizing their opinion for self-interested reasons (ie: to appear concerned or to be up on the latest gossip). Their opinions are not concrete, universal, permanent or even accurately true.

#survey #about me #questionaire #random

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dearmyblank · 6 years

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you tell me you need time and that you're sorry and that you haven't been talking to anyone, that it's not just me, can i go away, etc. but i've seen your instagram story and it's hard to believe when you're posting shit like 'someone close dm' and 'hmu' and 'chat goals' 24/7. i'm sorry that i'm not good enough.

i was 11 the first time you asked me for nudes and i should have taken that as a warning sign, because you were 13 nearly 14 and it was wrong, and all my friends thought it was wrong, and when your sister told my mother she thought it was so wrong she called up your mom, and you didn't talk to me for two months. during that two months, i lost most of the people i thought would support me in loving you, and being heartbroken about you, and i thought they'd help me back up but they called me a whore and left. it wasn't my fault that you asked me for nudes, and that you didn't even say it nicely, and that you pressured me until i cried and gave in. i was only 11 but a 14DD and i hate to think about you jerking off to a child's naked body but you did, and you sent me photos and videos and i felt so sick and violated i turned my phone off and went to sleep.

that july, you started talking to me again, constantly telling me all about your new girlfriend and completely disregarding my very valid 11 year old feelings, which included crying myself to sleep every night for half a year because i missed you so much and regretting ever saying no. i wrote about you in poems. i fell in love with you off of instagram captions that i thought were deep and insightful, but now i can see they weren't anything but stupid 14 year old boy thoughts such as 'there are so many different ways i love you' and a few artsy emojis.

that august, you broke up and didn't tell anyone.

a few weeks ago, i was staying at my best friend's house trying to distract myself from you (something i'm completely incapable of doing) and you texted me and said 'remember when you screamed that you wanted to f me in the group chat? those were wild times'. i didn't remember, maybe because it never happened, but i said haha yea and let you ask me uncomfortable sexual questions and describe my body to you. it wasn't really a surprise when you asked for nudes.

that time, i said no and stuck with it, and you haven't really talked to me since.

i told you that i have a girlfriend now, that she's the love of my life and i don't know what i would do without her. it's all true.

what i didn't tell you was that i'm still very, very, very much in love with you, and no matter how many times you hurt me and violate me and break my heart i always will.

i remember you wrote me a big ass chain of messages a while ago and they all made me cry, not because they were bad, but because they were full of compliments and promises and confessions and parts of you i didn't think existed (i.e ones with feelings).

you broke every single promise in there, contradicted every compliment and lied about every feeling you said you had.

your eyes are still slanted and green and have eyelashes that could reach mars. your eyebrows are bigger than my self esteem. your mouth still has that little smirk and your skin is still tanned and your hair is still curly and dark and way too long. your arms are still long and muscly and you still smell like chocolate and b.o, you still dress like a basic white boy and you're still a hundred feet taller than me.

i still have curly brown hair and big blue eyes and uneven brows and acne and glasses that suit me more than being a toxic fuckwad suits you and tiny feet and i'm still five foot two and i'm still utterly, utterly, utterly, desperately in love with you.

not a lot has changed since i was 11 and you were 14.

maybe that's the problem.

-your carrot patch kid

#dearmyblank #dear my blank #c #j #submission

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mariska · 2 years

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i woke up at 10 am today which was Big for me cus i have severe complications with sleep being autistic and having an adhd brain so it was nice to have a little more time in the morning where i got 7 and a half to 8 ish hrs of sleep. but i did just spend those past 2 hours reading/liking ppls reviews for Seed Of Chucky on Letterboxd for no reason and also blocking random ppl who were like, especially mean about it, and i still need to go brush my teeth so i can eat and start the day but. it made me Think. and i wanted to share my Thoughts before they immediately leave my head as they tend to do often

very much not surprising that a large amount of the ppl giving that movie scathing reviews have bios on their profiles that are something along the lines of 'just another cis white guy movie lover' or 'b-movie gorey horror fan' or 'weird movie obsession guy' and like, i think because i am autistic and i've struggled with agoraphobia for a decade and don't experience much socialization outside of the internet in general, especially these days when i have to stay inside my house almost 24/7 for safety, i just kind of assume that even when people are like. saying/writing really mean targeted thoughts about a movie or a show or something i tend to think 'oh, they're just playing up the general dislike of it for comedic effect like i do. they dont *really* have this much burning hate for this movie or its themes im sure'.

but i am wrong!! i am definitely wrong. seed of chucky is a super bonkers, very inappropriate goofy horror movie so i 100% understand that just because its a fav of mine doesnt mean it is to other people or that other people aren't inherently uncomfortable by it or just flat out didnt have fun watching it. thats fine its a movie idc. but seeing a bunch of self proclaimed Boring Cis People saying things like 'i dont know why they tried to do some weird message about gender', 'worst piece of shit i've ever seen', 'don mancini is a hack', 'why did they feel like they had to start some androgynous family drama plot with the [misgendering]'

it bothers me quite a bit actually lol!! i'll be fully honest!! yea its a silly horror movie and im an autistic person who sometimes takes things too seriously but i dont think im taking this too seriously In My Honest Opinion! it makes me feel like dog shit to see those same people praise other purposely trashy/comedic/ over dramatic/ gorey horror flicks that have cishet plots where its all women who are naked, women who are killed, women who are assaulted, over and over and over and the minute a gay man makes an lgbt themed trashy gorey horror movie with other lgbt people FOR other lgbt people its suddenly unnecessary and stupid and disgusting and hard to watch. why? why is seed of chucky disgusting and hard to watch but straight white men jacking off over the corpse of a brutalized woman character in a trashy horror flick from 1972 not disgusting to them, in their own words? i mean i know exactly why but at the very least i wish bigots would be honest and straight forward about how much they hate us and the media we make instead of pretending like theres a valid reason for it. its a silly dumb horror movie and it's also literally the only movie i have personally seen (not the only movie *ever*, just that i've seen before) where my existence as a real human being in the world is not only acknowledged but is actually understood on multiple levels by the person making the movie. chucky and tiffany are bi and also are literally dolls so obviously that isnt my lived life experience as a person with lesbian parents but the director don mancini is gay. lgbt people can see the hints and nods to us that he put in the previous movies. we understand the metaphors he made to try and include us when he wasn't allowed to be direct about it in the earlier movies. seed of chucky is legitimately pretty respectful about nonbinary people (and nonbinary kids!! you are never too young to be lgbt and again this is presented that way because a gay person wrote it!!! hello!!!) AND the whole plot basically revolves around the concept of donor dads aka sperm donors, specifically donor dads that are not anonymous. that's my story! that's literally my real actual life story. i, a real living nonbinary gay person, was born in 1997 to lesbian parents who could not biologically have a kid together and my donor father was not anonymous to anyone involved. not only have i never seen another movie even acknowledge that there are people born into the world like this but in my own personal life i have never met another person born via a donor dad who actually knew who their dad was and i cannot relate to 99% of the media, content or stories of other non anonymous donor born people because of that. nobody talks about it! when anyone does try to talk about it its immediately shut down as disgusting and immoral IF people we are trying to educate even decide that to acknowledge us as being real and existing in the first place.

like i'll say it a hundred times over, i get that its not a serious piece of oscar worthy drama media. its still not True To Life™️ because theres Evil Horror Movie Magic™️ driving the plot. i really do get it. i dont take it seriously like this, but i have a huge problem with cishet ppls opinions on it being the worst most disgusting concept they could ever imagine in any movie in history. glen/da instantly became a new fav character of mine when i watched it because i'm 24 and a half years old and i don't get to see characters that are almost my exact age, nonbinary, and canonical donor born in any other media!! it just doesnt happen. its really lonely when you are neurologically disabled and have a very difficult time connecting with people and talking to people and forming relationships with people in general and then on top of being treated like shit throughout your life because of that, you get treated like shit because you're gay, and your parents are gay, and the place you live doesn't want to protect you if it doesnt legally have to, and you go 24 years being purposely pushed out of circles of socialization and communities that might accept you and society in general and then you cant even watch a movie about it and feel like your existence as a person on earth is fine!!! it fucking blows!!!! these self centered assholes literally cannot even imagine how horrible it feels sometimes if they tried their absolute hardest!!!

GOD. man. i dont know. theres not really a point i have to make here i'm just yelling into the void so that it's not all just stuck in my head. all i know is that watching seed of chucky was the first time in my life where i didnt feel like i had to carry the burden of educating people on my existence against my will and it makes me feel pretty upset that there are so many 'gross gorey silly slasher horror fans' that cant just think 'i didnt like that movie personally' and move on without throwing a temper tantrum because it was the one time i got representation instead of them in a movie. am i seriously supposed to truly, honestly believe that the majority of cishet male Chucky fans are disgusted by the sight of semen???? cmon now. not a very convincing lie

#whatever i have to go brush my teeth. i feel like a sim when theyre angry #and all the normal interactions get replaced with 'brush teeth furiously' LMFAO #long post

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groundramon · 6 years

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So my friend, who will be staying anonymous to protect their identity, shared this recently with me - and because I’m a salty bitch who doesn’t mind dealing with angry tumblr users, I thought it would be important to share this here. I made some edits to clarify some things as I have my own points to add (as another trans person) and because it was originally a vent so not everything is explained completely in a logical order. I do have permission from them to post this however, so don’t worry about that.

“So yknow how like, people will argue about whether you need dysphoria or not to be trans? And like what counts as dysphoria?

Some people on tumblr will literally degrade and scream at the top of their lungs that you can’t be trans if you cant absolutely cannot stand your body, the type of “where you cant stand it” to the point where you literally think about changing your body yourself because healthcare and gradual changes take too long. The point where you need to change absolutely everything about yourself if you’re truly trans, because you hate your birth gender to the core and want to be the exact opposite of it in every way.

So that’s the mindset I’ve gained. I like my body one day because I look kinda good? No!!! That’s absolutely wrong for me to feel. I have to hate it, I have to hate my boobs and vagina with all my fucking might 24/7. And if I even like it for a half second, I’m ‘not trans’. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I’ll vividly daydream what would happen if I took a knife to my own boobs. And sometimes I like the thought of it. Because I’d fulfill mine own mindset. I could fulfill others’ mindsets about my body, even though they don’t even know I’m real or that I exist. Because I’d be valid in some tumblr users’ eyes. Because that’s what I’m telling myself is the right way to feel, the only way to feel.

Because you can’t be trans without crippling dysphoria, right?”

Note that my friend is a dfab trans man, and is also younger than I am (younger than 17, aka a minor). So before you say “who cares?” please keep in mind that this is directly about trans youth, coming directly from a trans youth, who has been brainwashed into hating himself because of transphobic adults on this site.

As a trans person and obviously a good personal friend of this person, it makes me FURIOUS to hear this. That truscum bitchasses on this website have brainwashed a minor, who in fact even knows better but can’t help himself due to mental illness, into hating his body with every fiber of his might to fit some status quo of being trans. He knows he’s trans, he’s questioned his gender for a long time and came up feeling male. But he can’t love himself because he wants so desperately to be accepted as trans, because the cishets won’t care for him (he comes from a transphobic household) so who else will? The LGBT community has to accept him, because they’re the only ones he has left.

This is how dangerous the information you spread on tumblr can be. It can absolutely wreck a person’s sense of self and make it impossible for them to accept help and accept themselves. I certainly don’t feel safe in the larger LGBT community, and I’m neither cis nor het and am planning to have transitional surgery as well as advocate for LGBT rights when I’m older. So I can’t say I blame him, considering I have pretty thick skin when it comes to discourse.

Watch what you say you fucking assholes, ESPECIALLY you adults out there, because you’re literally creating a generation of children who are taught they need to hate each other to be accepted by the LGBT community (or by anyone, because the cishet community won’t either and they can’t change that.)

(If I missed any triggers I apologize deeply and please let me know; this is a strong-worded rant and I won’t tolerate bullshit HOWEVER regardless of your stance on the post itself, you don’t deserve to be triggered. My anons are currently open so if you’re shy you can send me an ask and I’ll change it.

But also, if you try to fight me over this or send me anon hate I will wreck your ass; don’t even test me bitch.)

#transgender #transphobia #truscum #dysphoria #gender dysphoria #gender dysphoria tw #self harm #self harm tw #tw: self harm #tw: gender dysphoria #tw: transphobia #transphobia tw #negative #stormy speaks #important

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betweenironyandsilver · 6 years

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MUSICAL ASKS: ALL! OF! THEM! (or as many as you feel like doing)

only u would want to know my shitty Thots on musicals lmao (jk ily)

1. Favorite (Reprise)

for pure head-bobbing enjoyment, this honor goes to paris/look down (les mis), but for narrative purposes, i would pick the just you wait reprise (my fair lady) because i love how you can see how much has changed

2. Best Act 1 ending.

one day more (les mis) sure does get the blood pumpin'

3. If you could go back in time to see a certain production, which one would it be?

i would kill to see the original my fair lady with julie andrews and rex harrison

4. Who should write a musical?

i guess she already has her own musical tv show, but i would definitely go see an entire musical by rachel bloom

5. The routine you recreate when home alone:

nothing, really lol...i have the bad trait trifecta of being very self-conscious, a mediocre singer and also unable to dance

6. A duet you’d love to perform and with whom.

i want to perform confrontation (les mis) with someone, doesn’t even matter whomst

also i love bad idea (waitress) but i sadly do not have the vocal capacity for those higher notes so probably no one else should be subjected to that

7. A musical everyone can learn from.

sorry that like half these answers so far are les mis-related, but i do think that les mis has something for everyone, and it’s about LOVE and REDEMPTION and FORGIVENESS

8. Favorite set design EVER.

the great comet set design (or rather, theatre design) made me gasp out loud

9. Favorite person to play (insert role)

the main musical i follow extensively through multiple casts throughout the years is my fair lady lol and my favorite person to play eliza doolittle (excluding julie andrews obviously, who is god-tier and on a different plane of existence from us mortals) is lisa o’hare

10. Best digital #ham4ham

i didn’t watch these because by then i was getting a little fatigued about hamilton lol

11. Make up a name and the ingredients for a Waitress pie.

Too Scared to Graduate, Too Tired to Keep College-ing pie, which is filled with lemons and tears

12. Best tap number.

i love the little tap battle in bottom’s gonna be on top (something rotten!)

14. Express your love for the orchestras!

they’re all valid and lovely!!!!!! when i saw les mis at west end, we could look into the pit from our seats which was so cool

15. Favorite musical written by (insert composer, lyricist)

you didn’t give me a composer/lyricist lol so im gonna say that i love alan menken and howard ashman and my favorite musical by them is beauty and the beast

16. Which part (or parts) do you sing in One Day More?

you can sing all of them if you’re not a coward

17. A line that never fails to make you laugh.

My father newly dead and the funeral boiled eggs now coldly furnished for the marriage table/methinks another chef might have whisked our desperate eggs together as one (from something rotten!)

and i would be a lot more zen/and i would punch a lot of men/if i had my time again (from groundhog day)

18. An upcoming production you’re excited for.

THE MOULIN ROUGE MUSICAL IN BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna see it so bad

19. Do you have any funny misheard lyrics from a showtune?

hmm, none that come to mind rn

20. A musical you would NEVER see with your parents.

well my parents don’t really like musicals so we’re already a little out of options, but they would probably hate musicals that are a little “out there”

21. Musicals can introduce you to new cultures, interests, fancy words and so on. Name 3 things you’ve learned from musicals.

i felt like i was missing a lot of the references in jesus christ superstar (and i was) when i initially listened to it, so i went and read up on the various biblical stories

after watching les mis in high school, i went and actually read les mis, which was fun, and that led me to read some other stuff by victor hugo as well

i didn’t know anything about leo frank before listening to parade, and it was interesting to read about

22. Favorite OBC.

my fair lady OBC forever, we stan a singing legend with a supposed four-octave range

23. Cast recording you know by heart.

>open my itunes

>only one album, the sound of music (film version)

>3000 plays

24. Cast recording for a long car ride.

i’m a little over hamilton but it is VERY fun to sing along to in the car

25. Favorite Miscast performance.

:( i don’t really watch these, sorry

26. I really like these ones so: make 2 musical related confessions.

i think wicked is overrated

i kind of wish we would stop making musicals about random movies

27. Showtune of the day:

‘s wonderful (funny face)

28. Who would play you in a musical about your life?

my life is not exciting enough for a musical

29. Who would play your best friend in a musical about your life?

see above

30. Who would play your romantic interest in a musical about your life?

romance?? in this economy??

31. 2 solos you’d love to perform.

if i had the vocal capacity, i would love to sing vanilla ice cream (she loves me) and stars (les mis)

32. Describe yourself with 3 musical theatre characters.

i’m very bad at describing my own qualities lol

33. A character that inspires you to be better.

jean valjean, hardened embittered convict turned loving father and CHRIST FIGURE

34. A showtune that always puts you in a good mood.

she loves me (from she loves me lol) is so fun and happy. the bit where he goes “i wonder why i didn’t want her/i want her/that’s the thing that matters/and matters are improving daily!” is so fun!

35. A showtune that makes you feel melancholic.

she used to be mine (waitress) makes me think about how i’m not really very happy with where i am in life, but also that i don’t know how to really address these issues

36. Best showstopper.

something rotten!/make an omelette; a bunch of dancing eggs on the stage that unfold their costumes to turn into omelettes? random musical and shakespeare references? could your faves ever

37. A place you consider to be your Santa Fe.

hmm...i guess greece?

38. The name of the prettiest theater you’ve been to.

lyric opera of chicago owns my entire ass

39. The most intense scene from a musical.

el tango de roxanne makes me go into cardiac arrest every damn time

40. A great cover of a showtune:

hmm i can’t think of anything off the top of my head

41. Put your phone on shuffle and write the first 2 showtunes that appear.

valjean’s soliloquy (les mis) and looking down the barrel of a gun (gentleman’s guide to love and murder)

(the worst part of this one was that the first two songs that came up on shuffle were showtunes)

42. Best design of a Playbill.

i don’t actually have particularly strong feelings about any playbill designs, they are mostly all nice!

#christina replies #witchfinder-major-saucepan

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leonajasmin-writeblr · 6 years

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25 Questions

Thanks for the tag @rain-likes-to-ramble ! It’s the longest tag game I’ve done, so I’ll put it under the cut. Be warned, it gets progressively more sarcastic.

1. Is there a story you’re holding off writing for some reason?

I’ve been wanting to try and rewrite some of my fanfic from when I was 13/14 for a while to make it less cringy and have a direct comparison on how my writing has changed. But the main thing I’m holding off is a novel(la) called The Scramble. It’s in the same universe as my other WIP’s (with some of its events being mentioned in The Indignant including an appearance from Chris) but it can be read standalone. I’ve got the cast and rough plot sorted out but as it was originally fanfiction, it’s taken a while to weed the fandom parts out of it.

Brief summary: Sigurd Losnedahl, being the backstabber he is, decided to get involved with the Norikan Civil War despite insisting to his two sons he wouldn’t. Now Eirik and Halldór are stuck in the epicentre of the battle and since neutrality is even more dangerous than picking sides, they’re scuppered. After being taken under the wing of enigmatic Taisto Astergaard, Eirik is entangled with the man’s adopted daughter, Christine, and the only way the polar duo will live is through them ending the decade-long war. The only problem is, his father’s so obsessive with his cause that he now will do anything to put a bullet in his head. And Halldór’s disappeared- how convenient.

2. What work of yours, if any, are you embarrassed about existing?

The fanfiction that I mentioned in Q1 that I plan on rewriting.

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favourite scenes first? Something else?

Front to back. I tend to leave exposition and descriptions out of the first draft (unintentionally) so I’ll fill in those when I feel like it.

4. Favourite character I’ve written?

Phineas. He was originally a one-dimensional villain (I created him when I was 9) but he’s now one of the most complex characters in the series with the undoubtedly the most well-developed backstory. He’s also developed a great sense of humour over time, and his relationship with Jonathon (who I haven’t introduced on Tumblr yet but I need to. He’s a close second) is one of my favourite things to write.

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing?

Vladislav. In my plan, he was only supposed to appear in 2/41 chapters. After his personality change, he quickly became one of the major characters. Originally, he was a vain flirt with an ego out the roof. Now he’s a sensitive but righteous boy training to be a lawyer to persecute his mass murdering uncle. Pretty big development for someone who was only created 7 months ago.

6. Something you would go back and change in your writing but it’s too late/complicated to change now.

I’d have added a District based on somewhere in South Asia and also one based on somewhere in Africa. I’m thinking about adding them at the end (since I’ve already stated in my novel that more Districts will come with time), but it’s too late to add them from the beginning.

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

I love telling people I write but hate the follow-up questions, “Tell me about your book!” *pulls out garbage which doesn’t even reflect what my novel is about*

8. Favourite genre to write.

Speculative Fiction. While making characters is my favourite part of writing, I also love world-building.

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

I actually play High School Story, Hollywood U and The Sims with my characters inserted. It’s been helpful for one-shots and AU’s more than anything but has given me traits about characters to add to their dimensions for my main works, so it’s win-win.

10. Write in silence or with background music? Alone or with others

Background music and alone. The music has to be a specific genre though.

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

How I portray emotions. In my older drafts, characters recovered from the deaths of their close friends/relatives in 10 minutes and seemed callous. Now they are all crybabies to compensate.

12. Your weakness as an author?

I rely too much on dialogue and miss out a lot of description.

13. Your strength as an author?

I write a pretty mean villain (pun intended). This man was reading my work over my shoulder since I mostly write on the bus home and the first thing he said after, “Are you okay?” was “I like Rylan even though he’d scare me sh*tless from the looks of things.” I think I should put that as a review on the book’s cover once it’s (hopefully) published. A 70-year-old man I met on the bus does sound like a reputable source.

14. Do you make playlists for your work?

I have a playlist for Cyrus and that’s it which 90% is Eurobeat since he has a needo for speedo. There’s only has one chapter in his POV.

15. Why did you start writing?

I was a cocky six-year-old and thought I could write a better version of a film I’d just watched. It ended up being about two best friends in a milkshake parlour despite the original film being about a castaway girl. The connection still makes more coherent sense than the fact I got the idea for The Mastery from Mario and Sonic at the Vancouver Winter Olympic Games 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

16. Are there any characters who haunt you?

Alex in his angsty stage. He would threaten to kill people 25/8 because he found out he was adopted.

17. If you could give your fledgeling author self any advice, what would it be?

Keep writing. If you’re that dedicated to your project that you have to write it straight away, remember you can always edit in the future if it’s not up to your standards. And even people who’ve been writing decades are still improving as writing is wayyyy too subjective to be ‘perfect’ at.

18. Were there any works that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style?

George Orwell’s 1984 has affected my world-building. Malorie Blackman’s Noughts and Crosses and Maggie Stiefvater’s Wolves of Mercy Falls series gave me the idea to write under two characters alternating POV’s.

19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, etc.?

Charahub and a timeline which I’ve drawn by hand on the back of some unused wallpaper.

20. Do you write in long sit-down sessions or little spurts?

Either 5 words or 5000, no in between. It depends on whether I feel inclined to write or have inspiration.

21. What do you think when you read over your older work?

Cringe at all the unnecessary words and repetition- one sentence in my 2012 draft of The Mastery is literally, ‘Alex got up off his bed, walked out of his bedroom door, walked down the stairs, walked into the living room before standing in the doorway of the dining room’.

22. Are there subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

Anything to do with extreme physical or sexual assault. Or sex in general since I’ve not written much smut before.

23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

Meeting my biological father at 16 rather than knowing him from birth. Also, one of my characters has impaired vision like me so its easier since I knew all the terminology and experiences without much research.

24. Have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Handguns. I’ve used rifles before (I’ve gone clay pigeon shooting before) but since handguns are illegal where I live, I’ve not seen one in person nor had any idea of their usage or the terminology. Quite a few of my characters own them as a precaution so I had to learn.

25. Copy and paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you are particularly proud of.

(It’s not short but I freaking love how Chapter 36 of The Mastery panned out. Note this is the chapter 70-year-old man liked)

“Cyrus, Keung. Not the most ideal reunion. How has the family been since I was disowned?”

Keung’s jaw twitched, “I think the reason you kicked out was valid enough. You killed your own grandmother, Rylan.”

Rylan, another one of my many cousins, let out what from his mouth movement looked like was a hearty laugh but sounded like a giggle, “It sounds more impressive than getting disowned for supporting the black sheep in an argument, does it not?”

Keung’s hand had been on his spoon all this time, and he was clenching it to the point his arm shook, “I know grandfather wants nothing to do with either of us Rylan, but that doesn’t mean I want to associate myself with a murderer.”

“You stayed under the Xu thumb for long enough. There are fewer fingers in this room than the number of people Tatsuo has killed. Some are justified, I’ll give him that, but others were falsely accused with no chance at justice.”

He leaned at an angle so that he could stare at me, “It’s good to know that you’re being independent for once in your life, Cyrus. Regardless, it’s a real shame you subsequently allied yourself with another family of murderers.”

“What else could I have done?” I said, “The Ninth District needs allies, and I have genuine friends from Ivanska, Phinea and Willsborg.”

He cooed as he came to lean against my back, “Considering how we’re he half-breed scum of the family, I thought you’d have considered an alliance with me. You’re the only relative of mine I like and who hasn’t seemed to have fallen under Xu indoctrination.”

“Grandmother accepted the fact we didn’t decide to be half-breeds,” I hissed, “Out of everyone you could have killed, why her?”

He lowered his voice to a whisper, “I intended to kill Tatsuo. The fact she drunk the poison I’d slipped into the Mansion was a mistake. I don’t have many regrets but that is one of them.”

He distanced himself, “I have little in common with the man who I once saw as my dear grandfather, but one of the few things I’ll admit is that if we need to, we’ll both use blood to make a point.”

My tags are (don’t feel obliged!) @unico-rn-ffee and @alittle-writer

#25 questions tag #tag game #writing tag

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casper-has-a-cat · 6 years

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WARNING: descriptions of vomit below!

read the warning!

okay, you’ve been warned! please enjoy the fic!

Kuroo didn’t like labels. They made things feel deceptively permanent, falsely mutually exclusive, and generally excessively dramatic. Thus, he tried not to label his days as being “good” or “bad.” Today, however, was an exception.

Although he hadn’t woken up on the wrong side of the bed, per say, he had woken up on the floor, and with a terrible crick in his neck at that. Which sucked, but at that point he was still able to convince himself that it wasn’t a bad enough to be a Bad™ day yet.

Then he realized he’d woken up an hour and a half late and he decided that it at least had potential.

He rushed to get ready, knowing he’d miss first and second period at the very least, but hoping to make it to third period on time since he had a Statistics exam. The getting ready went pretty smoothly, and Kuroo started to think that maybe the day would get better.

Needless to say, he was wrong.

There was no food in his house. None. He’d forgotten to get the groceries last night, and this was the result. He slammed the cabinet door shut, losing his cool a bit before reminding himself to stay calm. He managed to do so, right up until he saw the unread messages on his phone screen.

From: Kitten Time: 6:45 am where r u

From: Kitten Time: 6:53 am r u coming

Call from: Kitten Time: 6:55 am

From: Kitten Time: 7:02 am we r gonna b late

Call from: Kitten Time: 7:02 am

From: Kitten Time: 7:03 am im gonna skip if u do

From: Kitten Time: 7:03 am i dont want to go today

Call from: Kitten Time: 7:03 am

Call from: Kitten Time: 7:04 am

Call from: Kitten Time: 7:05 am

From: Kitten Time: 7:05 am moms making me go

“Shit!” He couldn’t help it. This time he shouted out loud. One good thing was that since his parents were out of town, nobody heard him, but it didn’t make him feel much better. By the time he texted Kenma back his hands were shaking and his head was pulsing vaguely behind his eyes.

To: Kitten Time: 9:24 am Kenma I am so sorry I totally overslept. Hang in there. I’m on my way.

And then he was, as he had told Kenma, on his way, begrudgingly taking with him a headache instead of breakfast, but on his way nonetheless. He was forced to make a large detour due to a new construction site’s cropping up. He scowled. Not only was it inconvenient, but they’d cut down his favorite tree. It was where he’d first met Kenma. And now suddenly it was gone forever.

By the time he got to school, it was already 20 minutes into third period. Kenma still hadn’t responded to his text, Kuroo couldn’t stop thinking about how his favorite tree was gone forever, his head still hurt from having been unable to eat, and his neck still hurt from having fallen off his bed. Basically, he felt like crying. Instead, he shot Kenma another text and went to take his test.

To: Kitten Time: 10:30 am I’m sorry Kenma, I really am. I’ll see you at lunch, okay?

During the test could barely focus. He was so hungry, and the combination of the crick in his neck and his mild headache was really starting to get to him, making it hard to remember material even though he’d stayed up late memorizing it. Still, he was nearly finished when the teacher stopped them. Five minutes early. Kuroo couldn’t believe it. When the teacher came by he started to protest.

“Excuse me, but I believe we should have another five minutes? I’m almost done, and-“

“Well, Mr. Tetsurou, maybe you should have thought of that before you came to the test 20 minutes late.”

“But-“ The teacher took his papers. Kuroo sighed and relented. It wasn’t like he really had a valid excuse anyway, and he was truly too exhausted to argue any further.

He slunk to the cafeteria, scrolling through his non-existent new text messages in a daze. He wondered how angry Kenma was.

Angry enough, he soon discovered, to avoid sitting at their usual table.

“Damnit,” he mumbled, wanting to kick himself. He shook his head. Kenma could be anywhere. At the moment, however, Kuroo felt like if he didn’t eat, he would pass out, so he got in the lunch line. It wasn’t until he was at the register that he realized: his wallet was gone.

As his hand searched his pocket, which had nothing in it but a hole, his face paled. The lunch lady was glaring at him, tapping her fingers impatiently.

“I, uh,” he stuttered, still searching his pocket in disbelief even though he knew he wouldn’t find anything there. His throat got tight in that way it did when he wanted to cry but refused to do so, and he opened his mouth to explain what had happened.

Just then, a small figure popped up beside him and stuck a wad of cash into his hand. Kuroo looked down in surprise, then let out a breath of relief. It was Kenma. He was pouting and aggressively avoiding eye contact, but he was there. Kuroo smiled, paid for his food, and then followed Kenma as he stalked away. They ended up underneath a tree. Kenma sat down with his back to it and started eating, just a bit. Kuroo tried to sit next to him, but Kenma immediately scuttled to the opposite side of the tree so that their backs were to each other.

“Kenma…” Kuroo spooned some of his lunch into his mouth. Despite how hungry he was, he couldn’t appreciate the food when he was so worried about his best friend. Hoping it would help him think more clearly, he made himself eat anyway.

“The teacher called me out for being late,” Kenma mumbled, not looking up from his food.

Kuroo’s throat tightened again. He knew how much Kenma hated being the center of attention, and this time it was Kuroo’s fault that he’d been made the focal point for his entire class.

“I’m sorry, Kenma. Really, I am,” Kuroo apologized, not knowing what else he could say. He didn’t think telling Kenma that he’d been called out for being late, too, would help matters, and yet it felt like his brain was short-circuiting, only capable of looping through the day’s regrets and sending him sharp bursts of physical and psychological pain.

They ate in silence for the next fifteen minutes. Then Kenma spoke up again.

“They cut down the tree.”

Kuroo looked up, hearing that Kenma’s voice was much closer than it had been before. Sure enough, the smaller boy was now next to him. He could see the slight crease in Kenma’s brow that meant he was upset. Kuroo hated that Kenma was upset, but he was glad that the tree meant something to him, too.

“I know, Ki- uh, Kenma,” he corrected. Kenma looked up from his game and gave Kuroo a long, bland stare. Then he shrugged and turned back to his game. They didn’t say much else before the bell rang and they had to go to class.

The second half of Kuroo’s day was nearly as bad as the first. He was assigned group projects in all three of his afternoon classes. He hated group projects with a passion, because it always meant working with idiots. It didn’t help that his headache still hadn’t gone away, even though he’d been sure to eat more than enough at lunch. He scowled, and tried to be nice to his group mates in spite of their infuriating stupidity.

He had at least been looking forward to practice, but when he got to the gym it was empty. Then he remembered that the coach was out of town dealing with a family emergency and had cancelled practice. Normally the team would meet anyway, but quite a few of the other team members had other events to attend today anyway and were taking advantage of the time off. Kuroo pulled his phone out to text Kenma to ask where to meet him so they could walk home together, but could hardly believe the message on his screen.

From: Kitten Time: 2:52 pm im in a hurry, so ill go home ahead

Kuroo rubbed his temple. Kenma was never in a hurry, so he must still be angry. He’d thought they were on okay terms after lunch, but maybe he was wrong. The thought only made his head hurt worse.

To: Kitten Time: 2:58 pm Are you still mad at me? Kenma, I’m really sorry.

To: Kitten Time: 2:59 pm Be safe on your way home.

To: Kitten Time: 3:00 pm Text me when you get there?

Kuroo sighed. He couldn’t force Kenma to respond, and he knew his friend wouldn’t answer a direct call, so he put his phone in his pocket - the one without a hole in it - and started walking back, slowly, and with his eyes trained on the ground.

It was, of course, only fitting, then, that he would be surprised by a sudden downpour about five minutes into the 25 minute walk. He looked up at the sky for a moment. Normally he would curse it out, but at this point he didn’t even have enough energy to do so. He just blinked a few times and trudged on.

By the time he got home his new shoes were ruined, he was soaked to the bone, and his head was positively pounding. It was so bad that he was having trouble seeing. Nausea turned his stomach as he stumbled around his house closing all of the blinds and trailing water everywhere. Finally, he made it to his room. It was only when he was in his bed, curled up (still wet) around an empty trashcan and shaking like a leaf, that he allowed himself to admit that it had been a Bad™ day. His phone pinged, but Kuroo was on the verge of falling asleep, so he half-subconsciously muted it and drifted off.

“…’uro. Kuro, wake up. Kuro, please.” Kuroo awoke to a soft voice. He only just had time to recognize it as Kenma’s before his stomach flipped viciously. He panicked for a moment, but fortunately the trashcan was still in his arms. He sat up, ducked his head into it and was almost immediately sick. The act of doing so only made his head hurt worse.

Kenma made a strangled, shocked noise, but caught his friend as he dipped sideways, dizzy and half blind from pain.

“-uck,” Kuroo mumbled, and then heaved and threw up again. He blearily looked at the mess at the bottom of the trashcan and instantly vomited two more times at the sight of it. When he was finally able to pull away, Kenma was looking at him with wide eyes.

“Kenma, I’m-“ Kuroo rasped, intending to apologize, but Kenma cut him off, a shaking hand wiping residual sick off of his face with a Kleenex.

“Are you sick?” Kenma asked bluntly. Kuroo shook his head minutely and winced.

“Migraine,” he muttered.

Kenma blinked at him and nodded.

“Kenma, why…?”

Kenma frowned. “You didn’t get my text?”

Kuroo’s eyes darted to the desk stand where his phone lay, and Kenma had scooped it up without any hesitation. If he’d been at 100%, Kuroo wouldn’t have made the mistake of looking at it in the first place. If he’d been even 70%, he would have reacted much more quickly, quickly enough at least to get it out of Kenma’s hands before he read anything Kuroo didn’t want him to read. As it was, he felt like he was dying a torturous death, so he ended up protesting only after Kenma was already staring at the screen. In fact, he reacted just as Kenma’s eyes widened marginally, expression otherwise unreadable.

Kenma showed him the screen. Sure enough, there it was. That “From: Kitten.” Kuroo’s face flared red in embarrassment.

“Kenma, I can expl-“

“I got your wallet.” Kenma stated suddenly.

“What?” Kuroo started to frown in confusion but a stab of pain to his head forced him to relax into a neutral expression again. Kenma showed him the screen again, and Kuroo scrolled through his notifications in amazement.

From: Kitten Time: 3:29 pm coming over

From: Kitten Time: 3:30 pm found your wallet

Call from: Kitten Time: 3:30 pm

Call from: Kitten Time: 3:31 pm

From: Kitten Time: 3:32 pm is your phone broken

From: Kitten Time: 3:42 pm here

From: Kitten Time: 3:43 pm let me in

From: Kitten Time: 3:44 pm u shouldnt leave the door unlocked

“Kenma, did you really…? In the rain? You found…?” Kuroo could hardly speak his throat was so tight with tears on the verge of spilling. Kenma handed him his wallet. It was soaked through, but it was undeniably his. His credit card was there, his student ID was there, his insurance card…

He only barely prevented himself from sobbing, and only because he feared it would make his head hurt worse. Then Kenma spoke up again, quieter this time.

“And… You can call me Kitten if you want to.”

That was it. Even as it intensified his pain, Kuroo dissolved into tears.

“Kuro!” Kenma tensed up and made to examine his friend for any further signs of pain or injury, but Kuroo held up a hand.

“’s okay, Ken- Kitten,” he mumbled, and then laughed. “’s just been a really long day, and you made it so - hic! - so much better,” he explained.

“Kuro…” Kenma whispered, reaching out a hand.

Then the nausea got the better of him and Kuroo lurched for the trashcan, retching painfully until he burped up the rest of his stomach contents. Kenma made a face, but still wiped Kuroo clean before taking the trashcan away. He moved to stand up, presumably to clean it out, but Kuroo grabbed his wrist.

“Stay?”

Kenma hesitated. “I have to-“

“I’ll clean it later. Actually, I’ll just throw it out. Please, Kitten?”

A funny expression crossed over Kenma’s face then. Something gentle, something vulnerable, maybe even emotional. Kuroo couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was before it was gone, but it didn’t matter, because Kenma nodded, and then crawled into the bed.

It didn’t take long for Kuroo to fall asleep after that. As he did so, he thought about what an incredible day it had been. He smiled.

This was why he hated labels.

send me an ask!

#tw vomit #migraine #sick kuroo #haikyuu!!#my writing #old writing #kuroo tetsurou #kozume kenma #this one actually wasn't too awful #injury

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blueberrytictac · 4 years

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hey sorry i need a place to vent my shit

i hate looking back at my childhood and seeing a miserable chain of events that led to me having extreme anxiety and being terrified of upsetting anyone

my parents were so young when they had me and my older siblings. and between just working constantly to make sure they could feed us- and trying to live their own lives- i feel at times we had to fend for ourselves as children.

for YEARS i didn’t know ANYTHING about nutrition, or portion control, or health, or even basic adult functions. Being in pain from undiagnosed physical conditions and an obesity problem, because no one seemed to care to even try to help me?

I remember asking for help so many times. cutting myself to the point of blood dripping down my arms, and asking my parents if they loved me- shitty i know but i was fourteen

they cleaned me up and then needed to go back to their own lives. i never got mental health treatment

everyone just saw ‘sad and fat’ and never thought to ask WHY or try and help me shed weight beyond ‘eat a salad every once in awhile’

as if that cures and entire lifetime of LEARNED bad eating habits?? As if it would suddenly cure my horrific depression and anxiety?

everyone just wanted to say ‘just do some exercise’ as a solution to all of it. ‘kill yourself exercising and starve yourself and then you’ll lose weight and be happy. until you do that, you aren’t worth helping’

They laughed or got frustrated with my pain in TRYING to work out or work on myself. Of course my fucking knees hurt after 15 minutes of walking. My legs hyper-extended on every step, with an added 80lbs i shouldn’t have HAD. I didn’t know that. I felt so SHAMED that I SHOULD be able to keep up with my 125lbs sister, while i was literally twice her weight. I didn’t know why things hurt so incredibly bad.

i started retreating inward. my siblings didn’t want to associate with me at times. I could see the disappointment in them. Both tall, athletic and attractive. I was the odd one out, always. they didn’t want their friends to know I existed. felt embarrassed by my presence. they were ashamed of me

my parents used to scream at me for not doing more in the house

I was near 100lbs overweight and moving was not only exhausting- but with my joints actively trying to jump out of their sockets, some days just existing was agonizing.

i would wake up tired. i would sleep 10-15 hours and wake up exhausted.

pcos, eds, adhd, major anxiety, major depression

‘you don’t fuckin DO ANYTHING IN THIS HOUSE’

‘why are you tired you haven’t done anything today’

‘why are you stressed, you don’t work’

i believed them. i hated myself. i could never do enough. i was a failure. i still feel like this. my pain isn’t real. my stress isn’t real. my anxiety was just ‘over reacting’.

i was in so much pain, but was always brushed off. To the point where I started hiding my own pain. I felt shame in complaining. i felt shame in being in pain. i felt shame for asking for help

i went through 5 gallbladder attacks before finally going to the doctor. i had to plead to be taken, and my dad yelled at me before i got taken down.

i think he thought i was exaggerating.

i needed surgery that summer. i took it like a champ- i felt so validated that they finally had to see- i wasn’t making it up. for once they had PROOF they couldn’t ignore. things weren’t quite better yet- but thank god it led to at least a small change.

i wanted to die from middle school to 24

over half my life i on and off self harmed, i had no self esteem, and i felt i was unworthy of help, because i had been brushed off/yelled at/had someone annoyed with me for complaining, and i internalized it to the point where i didn’t feel like i deserved to live.

i didn’t feel like I was worth working on, cause i thought i’d be dead in ‘another few years anyways’. Either by my own hand, or by my health.

I was in so much pain, everyday

i had a plan on how to kill myself. i was going to take pills and drown myself at the ocean. I didn’t want someone i loved to find me

i didn’t want to hurt them

i just wanted to go out quietly

i couldn’t

i couldn’t for two reasons

the honest love for the people i cared about, and not wanting them to suffer a loss

and the mortification i pictured. Someone finding my body and making fun of it, when i was already dead. calling me a beached whale- when i had drown myself already for my self hatred.

i stayed alive

and still, through all of this, i hated any resentment i felt to my family

i knew they were sick- we all struggled with major depression or anxiety. a horrible chain reaction, from my parents suffering toxic work relationships, and bringing it home. taking it out on us, and us taking it out on each other

i hated how much i hated them at times. I knew they were suffering. I remember crying in relief when my sister moved out. We’d fought so consistently that her presence used to give me a twisted gut of anxiety.

she tried to use ‘tough love’ on me

she would tell me people would get sick of me

that they wouldn’t take care of me

that i was being a burden

i remember feeling some of the most extreme emotions, crying myself to sleep, afraid of my parents getting sick of me. She said these things cause she wanted to ‘motivate me to lose weight’

i wanted to die so badly that night. i didn’t want to be a burden. i thought about throwing myself off a cliff. there are so many around. it would have been easy.

the thought of someone laughing at my huge, mangled corpse kept me miserably alive. a running theme

i had tried to reach out to counselling a few times in my life

when i was 11, i talked to my elementary school counselor about how i felt alienated by my friends. how lonely and anxious i felt. She ignored what i said in its literal entirety. Went on to talk about how ‘when your parents take you out for fast food- why not get a salad instead?’ At 11 i was speechless. I just quietly agreed and never went back. I had never felt less heard and more shamed. I was there because I was struggling emotionally. Not because of my weight. but it was all she saw. and that was grounds to dismiss me. I had been bullied at my last school because of my weight. I felt the same shame and pain, after that conversation.

Part of me wishes I could find that woman now and slap her. I never wish violence on people, but she started an aversion to asking for help that sticks with me 15 years on

I can’t remember if I started cutting that next year, or if it was the one after that.

I was constantly sick with anxiety. there would be weeks where i felt like i couldn’t leave the house by shame and by the sheer pain in my stomach from anxiety. I was told to eat less sweets. the pain never stopped I would be constantly nauseous while at school. I dropped classes completely if i didn’t know anyone in them. I constantly started to skip, stay home if I could. I felt so miserable. I felt so sick. I would be yelled at for my grades. I would be yelled at for missing school. I would be yelled at for feeling sick.

I stopped talking to anyone about it, save for a handful of friends.

I would literally hide in our back yard, at 11, so i wouldn’t have to face school or my parents. I would spend 7 hours some days, if one of my parents was home sick, sitting out there. It was vastly preferred to spending another day at school. I remember living in fear of my parents cars. I lived in fear that because i stayed home- with all the fucking shit i was dealing with then, that I would get ‘caught’ hiding at home. And then I would be screamed at and shamed. They thought I was lazy. They thought I was faking. They thought I was a shameful, useless little lump. I started getting very good at hiding things. In high school- my counselor said “You have the most absences out of any of my students, did you know that?” She didn’t want to help me. She didn’t want to know why. She was shaming me.

I had a friend who was thin and struggling in the same way. Who’d been absent in the same way.

She was treated for it. People paid attention to her cries for help. I was shamed, and continued to barely attend. I tried to talk to her about my anxiety and she brushed me off. I had such bad insomnia

i had such bad pain

i was so sick

it was plain as day, and its one of the few things i’m mad about in my childhood. the one thing i do hold resentment for

I was expected to be able to ‘fix’ myself without having any fucking idea what was wrong with me.

I’ve lost the weight now, and you know what it took? Having a fucking healthy mind and home life.

turns out when i fuckin wanted live, i had reason to work on myself

turns out i was just left to my own devices on how to care for my body at fuckin NINE YEARS OLD, AND THEN WAS SHAMED FOR EATING LIKE A FUCKIN CHILD

MY PARENTS PASSED ON THEIR OWN FUCKIN DISORDERED EATING ON TO ME, AND THEN BLAMED ME FOR ‘NOT KNOWING BETTER’

I WAS A FUCKING CHILD

I WAS A FUCKING KID AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT ‘huh, maybe our youngest cutting themself and wanting to die at 13 could mean that they need professional help’ I was a fucking kid who’s legs would literally randomly GIVE OUT when running, cause my knee or ankle would slip out of socket. No fucking wonder i hated exercise.

i got physio for my legs fucking deforming as a child- but no- can’t imagine that you could POSSIBLY follow that up by finding out WHY my legs where deforming.

once i stopped being able to play and run without getting hurt i just stopped fucking doing it. and started resenting it. and the pounds piled on. cause- again, nothing fuckin healthier that just letting your actual child decide what they want to eat. and then i would get hurt worse, the next time i tried to exercise. i was expected to keep up with people literally half my weight and was fucking SHAMED IF I COULDN’T

anyway, i think what i am trying to say is Childhood obesity is a fuckin problem, but its not the fucking KID’S FAULT if your reaction to ‘counselling’ an overweight child is to make THEM make the adult decisions on how they’re being fed, instead of talking to their fuckin parents, then, I’m sorry

but you lack fatal critical thinking.

also for the love of god, if your child is literally crying most days of the week because they’re afraid to go to school - or if they’re hiding in their room and flinching every time you come home. then for the love of god think that something MIGHT BE WRONG!

I still have so much to say, and vent, and work on, but it felt good just dumping out word vomit. I am such a better place now,- once I started looking back, I couldn’t believe how fucked up things were growing up. And how frustrating it is to look back, and know i was left broken and traumatized just because of how people saw my weight. I didn’t even care what I looked like! But it was the shaming, and disgust and occasional vile treatment from others that destroyed me emotionally.

I felt like if someone had just helped me- talked to me like a person, and helped me sort out my home life- that so much of that suffering could have been avoided.

i also can’t leave this off, without saying that I fucking LOVE my parents. That I love my family- even thought so much of my trauma came from our home life. This is only a show of the worst of it- and not going into what each of them were dealing with themselves at the time. As much as my parents might have left me struggling with an intense lack of worth- they also never did stop supporting and loving me. They CRIED when they realized that I hadn’t been exaggerating my pain, when I needed surgery. And have taken my physical pain seriously since then. Recently too, I have been reconnecting and getting closer again with my siblings. My relationship with my bro was consistently good, but oh man my relationship with my sister was a painful mess. two way toxicity, but by god we have been working on it in the last few years. I love her literally so fucking much- its hard to look back at our fights now, without crying

uh anyway

yeah thats my whole weight/mental health/family trauma

i just wanted to write it down and get it out of my head and just process some of it remember why i started getting anxiety attacks from my parents being in bad moods- and not let myself spiral because someone’s tone was a bit hostile.

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worrying-solves-nothing · 4 years

Note

Oh yes for real, come on

Someone’s keen 😏

1. selfie

I look like a potato in a dressing gown rn so that’s a hard no 😂

2. what would you name your future kids?

If it was entirely down to me it would have to be Kit, Theo, Eden, and Isla.

3. do you miss anyone?

Answered

4. what are you looking forward to?

Incredibly excited to have 2 weeks off over Christmas to see my pals, eat insane amounts of food, and get very drunk with my family

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Any of my friends. They’re all absolute idiots

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Usually, I’ve got a soft lil heart 😂 but I’m working on that

7. what was your life like last year?

Incredibly different to now. I was unemployed, dating a lot of girls, and spending a lot of money. Definitely wasn’t in a good place looking back

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

All the time

9. who did you last see in person?

My parents

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

Definitely not, I wear my heart on my sleeve, me

11. are you listening to music right now?

Currently watching the Grinch and they’re singing, so I guess that counts?

12. what is something you want right now?

Would honestly kill for a cuddle with a cute girl ngl

13. how do you feel right now?

I’m feeling good. Watching Christmas movies and drinking gin. Definitely the best I’ve felt in a while

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

About a month ago? Literally don’t hug men ever 😂

15. personality description

Bit of a nerd. Easy going. Hilarious

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Of course

17. opinion on insecurities.

Valid but silly. Especially when others often love our insecurities

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Not really, no

19. have you ever been to New York?

I haven’t but I’m dying to! There’s so much of the world I want to see

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

Not really my usual style, but So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings is a bop

21. age and birthday?

24 - March 22nd

22. description of crush.

Who says I have a crush? 👀

23. fear(s)

Absolutely hate heights and deep water

24. height

5ft 5 and a half (the half is a big deal)

25. role model

Probably my mum. Not to sound lame but she’s kind of a badass lady who’s been through a lot, especially when she was my age, and I have no idea how she managed it

26. idol(s)

Don’t really have one?

27. things i hate

Cockiness, bananas, and people who shame me for liking gherkins 🤷🏼‍♀️

28. i’ll love you if…

You’re kind, understanding, and want to cuddle me

29. favourite film(s)

Back to the future, White Chicks, and I’m always a sucker for Grease

30. favourite tv show(s)

Too many to list

31. 3 random facts

about me?

- I used to be really overweight until a few years ago

- once ended up in A&E after getting something stuck inside my ex 👀

- I’m just another gay that can’t drive

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

All girls and one guy 😂

33. something you want to learn

I’d love to learn the piano one day!

34. most embarrassing moment

My entire existence? Or that time I almost got into the wrong car and the girl inside almost had a heart attack at my little face in the window

35. favourite subject

Music

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

- Be the best me I can possibly be

- Travel every continent (maybe not Antarctica 😂)

- To one day be married to my best friend and have a family together

37. favourite actor/actress

I have a huge man crush on Jason Momoa, so..

38. favourite comedian(s)

Adam Hess, Joe Lycett, Mae Martin

39. favourite sport(s)

40. favourite memory

I have this really vivid memory as a kid of when a frog landed on my head (we think a bird had dropped it) and all of my friends in the street thought it was the coolest thing ever 😂

41. relationship status

Single

42. favourite book(s)

I haven’t read in so long but One Day by David Nicholls has a special place in my heart

43. favourite song ever

This is the hardest question ever so I’m going to list three

- Bon Iver - Beth/Rest

- Joni Mitchell - A Case of You

- Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

44. age you get mistaken for

Like 16 😂 I’m forever getting ID’d

45. how you found out about your idol

46. what my last text message says

‘i just want to cuddle a fluffy cow why is that so much to ask’

47. turn ons

Confidence, back scratching, ear biting, neck kissing

48. turn offs

Cockiness, poor hygiene, lack of ambition

49. where i want to be right now

Back on the beach in Bali with a mojito in my hand, surrounded by strangers

50. favourite picture of your idol

51. starsign

Aries

52. something i’m talented at

I’m pretty creative when it comes to design. My mum bakes a lot and is awful at decorating so I always step in and save the day

53. 5 things that make me happy

Sunshine, doggies, other people’s happiness, my mum, and really good food

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

The state of the UK right now 😂

55. tumblr friends

Just a few nice gals

56. favourite food(s)

Burritos are my one true love. I also have a weird obsession with mayonnaise lately too

57. favourite animal(s)

Red pandas, goats, camels

58. description of my best friend

I don’t actually have a best friend!

59. why i joined tumblr

To be gay in peace

60. ask me anything you want

...

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yoshiscribbles · 7 years

Text

Charlie/Viktor/Gabrielle

Finally giving some shape to that post about that beautiful angsty triad full of misunderstandings

21-mar-2017

Okay but listen, there is not enough Charlie Weasley in this fandom. And I feel a gigantic need for more Viktor Krum and Gabrielle Delacour, but that is neither here nor there. Except haha, turns out it is!! Like, guess what I just googled Romania Bulgaria (because Charlie’s in Romania with dragons, and Viktor’s in Bulgaria cuz that’s where he lives, and turns out both countries are neighbours!!). So this was supposed to be a story about Charlie the cool aroace uncle who doesn’t need to get married, thanks mum, except now I have like Viktor Krum the biace Seeker who spent a long while wondering if his relationship with Hermininny went nowhere because he never tried to initiate anything sexual with her (except no Viktor, it’s not that at all. She was 15 and quite happy you never tried to initiate anything, and you two just broke up because neither is good at ldr and you realised that you were better off as friend, no fear) because he still sometimes feels like he’s a little bit in love with her. And now I need Gabrielle involved in this somehow, and she is as pan as can be (and I still gotta figure out where the lines between bi and pan blur basically) and the three of them have an arrangement because reasons.

Yeah, so The Arrangement. I dunno how it works because like none of them are in love, really? So they all love each other, of course, but Charlie is so aroace he just thought sex happened when you wanted babies, and love was settling with your best friend to raise a family (which hey, not so wrong on that point Charlie) which is why he was so confused when everyone started talking about finding The One and he was just there like… Um??? Aren’t you a bit young to have babies?? And like your best friend is right here you can just ask them? And his father tried to have the most awkward Talk with him about how sometimes you’ll see someone and your dick will rise up on its own because you’ll have confusing thoughts about them, and Charlie is literally like??? Sounds fake but ok, I just have to not rub my dick and it’ll stay down, what are you talking about?? (Ha, his utter confusion when he realised that yes, dicks did rise without being rubbed, and in the middle of the day no less! Wild). So yeah, Charlie is neither in love nor in lust with either of his best friends, which he’s perfectly fine with at first (complications will arise later).

Meanwhile, Gabrielle is pan and (unfortunately) hypersexual. Because yeah, life sucks, and creepy people exist, and she now needs sex to feel validated, like yay! But sometimes she’s disgusted with herself because she feels like a walking living half-veela stereotypes (like veelas want sex all the time, and they’ll steal your husbands, and if you bend one over she’ll moan like a whore and all that). The point is, she thinks about sex 24/7, wants it about that often as well, but utterly hates anonymous sex, and wants to have a real relationship with someone who sees her as something other than a sex-object, and won’t take advantage of her hypersexuality. (Which ha! When you take into account that her allure goes wonky when she’s super horny, which is basically all the time ya :))) yeah no). She doesn’t like it.

And damn, wait, this is not working, because for the arrangement to work, I need to have Gabrielle have sex with Viktor… Let’s say Viktor is demi-sexual then, all fixed. An wow, was he surprised when that revelation hit him. Because he went from basically yeah, having a regular libido and jacking off but never really wanting to involve another person to holy shit I want to know what her body feels like against and around mine, and he was like… hi sexy thoughts where did you come from? (By that time, the three of them were solidly friends though the arrangement wasn’t a thing yet…)

So Gabrielle was just like, quietly dying all the while because fuck it she’s friends with two hot guys and wtf is wrong with her that her first intrusive thought when she visits one of them is “what if you fell to your knees and choked on his cock” And she especially feels guilty about this around Charlie because she /knows/ he has zero interest in sex, and she doesn’t like people fantasizing about her, so she shouldn’t fantasize about him either? But she like can’t help it, especially when she starts living with him (because Gabrielle becomes a magizoologist/veterinarian with a specialty in dragons) and Charlie sleeps shirtless (she suspects he sleeps naked, but puts on pants before coming out of his room by respect for her) and she can’t count the number of times she’s gone all the way to his bedroom door and brought herself off as she imagined getting in his room and riding his dick.

Gabrielle doesn’t feel so conflicted about her feelings for Viktor however, because he seems like he could be interested in reciprocating them. There was a brief spark of worry that he’d be just as susceptible to her allure as the majority of men, and that he’d be a git about it, but he’d just…brushed it off the first time and appeared to be immune for most of the time otherwise. Gabrielle just couldn’t stop helrself from watching himAnd Charlie probably knew about it too, if his teasing glances between her and Viktor were any indication, which… Ugh, they were /not/ helping. All Gabrielle could do when she saw one of them was duck her head down as she felt a flush grace her cheeks. Charlie most probably thought it was due to embarrassment at having her infatuation found out, she just couldn’t keep her mind from picturing that teasing smile in a very different situation: Charlie kneeling over her, eyes glinting with devious glee as his fingers pumped in and out of her at a tantalizingly slow pace as she was reduced to a wet begging mess under his body…

Except of course, it was too beautiful to last, right? It happens innocuously, and certainly not out of malice. Probably something like Bill and Fleur visiting them, and one of them makes a joke abbout like sibling like sibling, thus implying that Charlie and Gabrielle are together like Fleur and Bill. And of course Charlie deflects the comment with an easy grin, and so does Gabrielle, just a bit too late, but she’s secrretly dying inside, and her sister realises. Even if Fleur is amazing, and doesn’t do more than glance in concern at her sister, because they don’t have secrets from each other, and Fleur knows how hard it is for Gabrielle to put her trust in men, never mind her love. And yes, she knows now that Gabrielle is in love with Charlie, for all that her earlier comment was meant in jest. She observes, and doesn’t say a word, and Gabrielle will forever be grateful to her for that.

Except that it quickly becomes obvious that something has changed after all. Charlie’s more quiet, reserved, contemplative. And normally Gabrielle wouldn’t mine; Charlie was allowed his moments of silence. The problem was that he was looking at her nowadays speculatively, as though he didn’t quite know what to make of her. And Gabrielle tried to act normally, of course she did, but she couldn’t quite remember what the normal had been. Had Charlie always sat so far away from her? Had he always taken those measures to avoid touching her, to keep from remaining alone in her presence? The realisation hit Gabrielle like a club when Charlie uncomfortably brought up how Viktor was single again, for the third time in as many conversations and hinted that maybe it was time for her to visit their mutual friend.

After that, it was really just a matter of time.

When Gabrielle announced she would be leaving for Bulgaria, Charlie’s smile was the brightest she’d seen since her sister’s visit.And that hurt surprisingly more than expected\! She’d known she’ been making Charlie uncomfortable, and couldN’t even get angry at his attitude, because he wasn’t making up the desire she felt. And even if he did, she knew she’d started to fall for her best friend, and didn’t know how to stop, which made this so much worse.

As though the news of her impending departure had lifted his spirits, Charlie seemed to forget himself and go back to his old self. And Gaby hated herself for it, but she soaked the casual affection like a sponge before it could be snatched away from her again.

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