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golden-gypsy · 4 months

Text

Blue

Pearl Jam fanfic

Wrote this one-shot about a week or 2 ago when I was sick and just thought I'd share here too in case anyone wants to read. It's also on ao3 and Wattpad. Hope some people enjoy!♡

And of course, this is entirely a work of fiction. All real characters are just used for fictional purposes and nothing more. No disrespect or anything of that nature is meant towards anyone.

Summary: A young woman travels across a desolate landscape with her two companions, searching for something better. But, nothing is quite as it seems.

Warning: I don't think there's any warnings unless you count pg13-ish sexual content... or tobacco use.

Eddie Vedder x ofc

☆☆☆☆☆

The sweat trickled down the nape of her neck as she tiredly lifted one foot, then the other, repeating the process over and over again. They felt heavy, weighed down with fatigue and the unforgiving heat radiating off the sun scorching them from up above. The cloth she had fashioned into a headband was soaked through with sweat, rendering it useless as she wiped the damp from her brow. It burned as it dripped into her eyes, singeing the surface and blurring her vision more so than it already was. Squinting, she looked ahead, trying to sharpen the lines that had long since become muddled together. There wasn't much to see anyway, aside from a few bare trees and patches of dying grass scattered across the barren and hardened landscape.

“Are you okay, Emmy? Do you need to take a break or anything?”

She turned to the voice next to her. Other than his name being Eddie, she didn't know much about him, but she felt like she knew him somehow. From somewhere before here. From another life, perhaps. Because, she knew for a fact that she didn't belong here.

Eddie didn't belong here either.

“Yeah… I think I could sit down for a minute.”

He smiled at her, the slight indent of his dimples barely visible, and pointed to a weathered tree not far ahead. “Let's go there. We'll at least get a little bit of shade.”

She nodded, adjusting the bag she carried on her back and glanced back at the rusted wagon that Eddie was pulling behind him. Mike was asleep in there, face covered with a hat to protect his skin from the sun. They had stumbled across the young boy in a dilapidated house when they were seeking shelter one night. He was alone, said his parents had left to find food but never came back. She and Eddie had waited there with him for close to a week before they were able to convince him to come with them. Mike's parents weren't coming back; she doubted they were even still alive. They asked what few passers-by they crossed paths with if they had any news of his parents, but thus far it had proven to be a useless endeavor. That was another thing though.

Mike didn't belong here either.

They reached the tree, and while the shade was meager, her overheated skin still thanked her for the respite. She pulled the straps of her bag off her shoulders, letting it drop to the ground while she rolled her aching neck in circles. The headband was saturated with sweat, so she untied it, letting her hair fall to her shoulders as she shook it loose. Her curls were dingy and perpetually caked with dust. She couldn't remember a time when they weren't, but she liked to imagine that her dusky hair was once vibrant with color… once upon a time ago.

She had a feeling though…

That somewhere beyond the desolate backdrop, there was a utopia full of everything from her most magnificent dreams.

She knew she didn't belong here.

Eddie was crouched on the ground, unlatching his guitar case. She couldn't remember meeting Eddie; it was like he'd always been there. His guitar as well. How many times had she tried to convince him to get rid of it? It took up space; it wasn't a necessity, but it was all in vain. Eddie was one with that guitar. It was a part of him, and as she watched while his fingers ran lovingly down its neck, she wondered what that might feel like. To be loved by someone like Eddie, cherished even. She couldn't remember if she had ever been loved by anyone.

She didn't mind the guitar so much anymore.

How many times now had he lulled her to sleep with soft strumming and the earthy baritone of his voice? How many times had his blue blue blue eyes met hers while she tried to pretend she wasn't watching him play? How many times… how many times… how many times… she rested her head on his shoulder as he played something she had never heard before. Something new.

Something strangely familiar.

His hair was pulled back, but a few strands had come loose, the earthy stands tickling her forehead. Earthy like his voice. That was her favorite way to describe Eddie. Earthy. A steady, grounding presence who kept her knees from buckling due to the shaking ground beneath her feet.

She couldn't remember a time without Eddie.

The song he played was ethereal in a way. Otherworldly. Like it could guide her through a maze of darkened tunnels, and at the end would be the utopia she dreamed of. Rushing waters, a lush landscape, and she would reach up to sift her fingers through a passing cloud as she drifted down to meet them. For Eddie and Mike would be there too.

Because they didn't belong here.

None of them did.

“What's the name of that one?” she asked after the echo of the final chord faded away.

“Oceans.”

She shifted so that she was looking up at him, his jawline coated in a light stubble. “Hmm… do you think we'll ever see the ocean?”

He smiled down at her, and she wished she could breathe it in. “I have seen the ocean.”

“When?”

“A long time ago.” His face lowered to his guitar again, eyebrows pulled together. “Sometimes I wonder if it was real.”

“I don't think I'll ever see it.”

His eyes met hers again, and they were blue blue blue.

“Maybe you already have, and you just don't remember.”

She watched him, and she could envision him at the ocean. A lone figure on the beach, hair damp from the water instead of sweat and his feet buried in the sand. Maybe that's where he belonged. And she wondered… if maybe she was there with him, in that time she didn't remember. The time before all of this. There would be two figures instead of one. Maybe that's where they both belonged.

She hummed as the images filtered through her head. “What's the song about?”

His grin turned shy as he looked down at his guitar, plucking a few strings before blue became all she could see again. It filled her up and elevated her to the highest of places.

“You've got freckles.”

“What?”

“From the sun.” He wrinkled his nose. “Right here on your nose.” His thumb gently swiped down the side of hers.

“Oh.” Her fingers ran over her nose, down the side of her cheek. “I didn't realize.”

“It's cute.”

She didn't realize it at the time, but he never answered the question. He was good at that, evading, only offering bits and pieces at a time. Maybe that's because she had nothing to give in return. After all, she couldn't remember her life before Eddie.

“I'm hungry.”

Mike's voice startled her, and she jumped as she peered over her shoulder at him. He was sitting up in the wagon, long dark hair matted on one side of his head. Persuading him to sit still while she brushed it was never easy, but cutting it was not an option. Anytime the suggestion was made, he recoiled, tears welling up in his sad brown eyes. At some point, she'd have to trim it though. It was already well past his shoulders.

Eddie nudged her with his elbow, drawing her attention back to shades of blue. “By the time we finish eating, it'll be getting dark. Why don't we just stay here tonight?”

“Out in the open?”

“It's far-off from the road.”

“Do you think we'll be okay?”

“Don't worry.” He smirked, his dimples making another appearance. “I won't let anything happen to you.”

She rolled her eyes and stood up to grab the canned vegetable soup from her pack. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know.”

They were running low on food, but that was something to worry about tomorrow. Maybe they'd find another abandoned store or a community with some friendly people, but that was something to think about tomorrow. Tonight, they'd fill their bellies with the soup she cooked on the fire, and maybe Eddie would tell them stories of distant and not so distant places that would ignite her imagination into roaring flames.

The temperature always dropped once the sun set, from one extreme to another. She wanted nothing more than to keep the fire burning, but it would attract attention from those who could possibly be traveling along the far-off road or beyond. And if there was one thing she could never forget, it was that it was that the people who roamed at night often carried ill intentions.

So, the three of them sat wrapped in blankets around the dying campfire, counting down the long-forgotten minutes until sleep claimed them. Tomorrow, the worries would return, and they would set out on foot towards their next destination… whatever that may be. And it would go on and on and on, with no end in sight. Sometimes she wondered where exactly they were trying to get to.

“Will you play a song, Eddie?” Mike asked, his face peeking out from under his blanket.

“Um, yeah. What do you wanna hear?”

Emmy sat forward, wrapping her blanket tighter around herself. “Play the one you played earlier. Oceans.”

His eyes caught hers with a soft smile, and he reached for his guitar. An extension of himself, and she could see the sea of blue that encompassed him.

She didn't mind the guitar so much anymore.

He played the song, and it was just as lovely as before. Maybe more so, if such a thing were even possible. If he wasn't the ground beneath her, she'd worry that it would split open and swallow her whole. But, Eddie was the earth, and his eyes were the sky, and the ocean was his essence. She was waiting for the day when he'd spread his wings and fly.

But…

She didn't recall a time before Eddie.

And she didn't know if time would remain after Eddie.

The weight on her arm was nothing more than a sleeping Mike, lulled to sleep by the sound of earth's embrace. She understood; how many times had that happened to her now? Countless upon countless, dream after dream. A million different lifetimes that were somehow carried by the same background music.

She wondered what she'd dream of tonight.

She actually kind of liked the guitar now.

Eddie carried Mike to the wagon, lined with a blanket to add some cushion. She and Eddie would lay their blankets on the ground nearby, using their packs as makeshift pillows. They never slept at the same time though, alternating who kept watch while the other one would try to secure a few hours of sleep. The persistent fatigue was a never-ending battle.

“I'll take the first watch,” Eddie said after Mike was secure in the wagon.

“You barely slept at all last night. I'll take first watch.”

“I don't need a lot.”

“Just try then. I'll wake you up before too long.”

That was a lie. If he succeeded in falling asleep, she wouldn't wake him any sooner than need be. Maybe she wouldn't wake him at all. Eddie was constantly going without, letting her sleep that extra amount of time while his own body was further depleted of energy.

She would be fine, sitting and watching the stars, knowing that Eddie and Mike were safely sleeping beside her.

She didn't know how life would be without them.

Her back was against the weathered tree as she sat, listening to sounds of their breathing fill the night. Everything else was silent. She felt like maybe she remembered the chirping of crickets, maybe the hoot of an owl, but she couldn't recall where those thoughts came from. But, it seemed like, at one point in time, that the night wasn't engulfed in such silence.

Their breathing was a comfort though. It was a reminder that she wasn't alone. Even though she would never admit it, that was what scared her the most. Being alone in the world the way it was. She had people to take care of her though, and in turn, she would take care of them too.

“Emmy?”

Her head was tilted up toward the sky, and she turned to see Eddie lying on his side with his head propped on his arm. His hair was a wild tangle of curls around his face, and she wanted to reach out to smooth it away with her fingers, but she didn't dare do so.

“You're already awake?”

“You let me sleep too long.” His voice was raspy with sleep.

“Not long enough.”

He shook his head and patted the space next to him. “Come sit with me.”

Her eyes stayed focused on his smile as she sat beside him, legs folded underneath her.

“Not like that.” His arms reached towards her, hands pulling her down faster than her body would allow her to react.

She lost her breath temporarily, as if she forgot how. His face was so close to her own that maybe her not breathing was a conscious choice, fear that any slight movement would cause the moment to disappear. They were facing each other, side by side under a dingy blanket, his hand resting lightly on her hip. If she moved or even breathed, she worried she would lose the warm weight of his hand. She wanted it to stay.

She wanted him to stay.

“That's better,” he said, his thumb moving up and down, up and down.

“What was wrong with how I was sitting?” she dared to ask.

“You looked uncomfortable.” He lifted his shoulder in an easy shrug.

The motion caused her hand to shift, and she noticed… only then… the placement on his chest, below his shoulder, almost where his heart dwelled. She could feel the beating underneath the palm of her hand, a steady pulse to show that they were living and breathing… and existing. Her fingers curled into the thin fabric of his shirt, a reflex, almost as if she wanted to soak in the life that thrummed beneath her fingertips. Draw it closer. Bask in the light that radiated off the earth and the sky and the ocean.

“We both can't fall asleep.” Her voice was a whisper, flitting away on tiny, shaking wings.

“I'm not falling asleep. I just want to lie here with you for a while.”

“Okay.”

She thought again of the song he played earlier, Oceans, and how he said he had seen the ocean before. All she could remember of her life were days spent walking on the lifeless world she found herself in. It didn't seem real that oceans could even exist, but she believed what Eddie told her was true. She knew he would never lie to her. That was one of the few things she could count on, and it was so rare to have anything to count on.

“Why are you so tense?” he asked, and she didn't have to look to know he was smiling.

“I'm not.”

“You should relax.”

“I am,” she countered.

“You're not. Am I making you nervous?”

She allowed her gaze to lift up to blue blue blue, his worry showing itself in the lines creasing his forehead. He had a way of transitioning so easily from playful to intense. It made her head spin at times, dizziness just by being in his presence.

Her fingers smoothed over the fabric of his shirt. “You could never make me nervous, Eddie.”

That wasn't quite the truth though. Eddie made her nervous all the time, simply with his close proximity. It was such a strange swirling of contrasting feelings… because he was a comfort too. He comforted her all the time. That very same mixture swelled up inside her with the touch of his fingers on her bare skin, just underneath the hem of her shirt. It was a hesitant touch, like maybe how he would dip his toes in the ocean water to test the temperature. She could see him doing that.

She could also see him running in at full speed.

“Can I ask you a question?” she breathed as his fingers ghosted higher.

“Of course.”

“Do you think we'll ever find what we're looking for?”

She watched as his eyelashes brushed against the tops of his cheeks, and she wanted to run her fingertips just underneath them. But, she didn't dare do so.

His fingers were higher still, moving along her ribcage, and her skin tingled everywhere he touched. For who can say they were touched by the earth and the sky and the ocean all at once? The feeling was new, yet familiar. He was familiar, and he was here with her, there with her… just as he'd always been.

They didn't belong here.

Those same eyelashes rose again, and time could have stopped for all she knew. Maybe it already did. Maybe these were the last moments she'd spend on this godforsaken land. That would be alright with her. She'd see Eddie in the next life and the one after.

“I think…” he said as the tip of one of his fingers brushed against the underside of her breast. “I think that we already have.”

Was he right? They had each other. The three of them. They were something like a family.

A family…

It was getting harder to think. Her mind was hazy, and all she could see was blue blue blue. It was everywhere. In the sky above her, in the earth beneath her, in the ocean that she may or may not have seen. It was in the touch of his warm fingers on her cool skin, imprinting her with currents of blue. It was in her thoughts, as all she could focus on was how she wanted him to move his fingers higher still.

And he did…

And he did.

“I can still see the blue in your eyes, even in the dark.” His voice was a gentle wave, washing over the sea of blue.

“Me too.”

His fingers moved in such a deliciously tortuous way, and nothing else existed in that moment aside from the two of them. She could see him through the fog of her vision as if he were the only thing that made sense. The only thing that was clear. The only thing that was true in their world full of deceit. His lips only barely brushed against hers for a fraction of a second, maybe less, but it was something she'd never experienced before. The frailty of the wind seemed to pick up speed. The tree behind them seemed to shake from its roots to the tips of its branches. The ground seemed to tremble as if their world would soon fall apart.

The air changed, and it was magnetic. It was dragging her away as she fought to stay closer.

Could Eddie feel it too?

It was only less than a second, but the signs were there.

“I had a bad dream.”

Mike.

They pulled away from each other simultaneously. She could see hints of fervor in that blue blue blue.

Maybe Eddie did feel it too.

“Come on,” she told Mike, lifting the blanket.

Eddie patted his head, exhaling slowly. “I'm going to go keep watch.”

Her eyes unintentionally followed him as he took her former place at the base of the weathered tree. He leaned his head back against the trunk, gazing at the stars between the gaps in the branches, and she thought maybe Eddie could reach out and grab one if he felt so inclined. Something about him told her that it would be possible for him to.

Mike curled up next to her under the blanket, soon fast asleep. It wasn't long before she drifted off herself, thinking about Eddie and the stars in the sky.

She dreamed of the ocean that night, of what she thought it might be. Mike was sitting beside her on the sand as they built a castle. An elaborate castle, with turrets, walkways with parapets, and a moat surrounding the outside of the castle walls. It resembled what she thought a castle might look like, for she'd never seen a castle before, and it grew higher and higher, wider and wider. Mike's laughter danced across the surface of the sand, and she'd never seen him so happy. She wanted the sounds of his laughter to last forever.

A shadow was cast over their ever-growing castle. She knew not to be frightened though. It was a face she'd seen time and time again. His hair was damp from water instead of sweat, and his feet were buried in the sand. The light reflected off his eyes, and they were a bright, clear blue blue blue. They were almost crystal-like, and he stood in front of the sun so that the yellows and oranges surrounded him in a brilliant halo sent from the heavens above. He was beautiful. Painfully so. And she wanted to reach out and touch him, but she didn't dare do so.

This was where Eddie belonged.

He stood over her, tucking a water-soaked curl behind his ear. “I thought I might find you here.”

“You did?”

“Of course.” The corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. “This is where you belong.”

And that's what she wanted.

She wanted to belong.

The next day was the same as any other. They woke up and ate some dried-out bread she had made some days before, taking small sips of water. Everything had to be taken in moderation; none of them knew when they would stumble across more supplies or even a source of water. They carried four jugs for water and only had two left that were full. She always found herself becoming anxious once they reached the two-jug mark. The water went too fast, and she wished they could find a way to carry more… not just water though, more of everything.

But, more than anything, she wished the land around them wasn't dying.

Eddie didn't mention anything about the night before… but then, she didn't either. A part of her couldn't help but wonder if it even happened. But, she could still feel the sensation of his touch along her skin, and she shivered more than once even in the unforgiving heat of the daylight. So… it had to be real. It couldn't have been just a prelude to her dream from last night.

Her dream…

The utopia that she prayed for every night to magically appear just beyond the next hill.

Or maybe the next…

The last hill.

“I hope we find water today,” she said after they had walked a long while in silence.

Eddie turned to her, a hint of a smile playing along his lips. “We'll find some. Don't worry.”

Her eyes were drawn automatically to his mouth, the curve of his lips, the indent of his dimples. The brief moment in time when she felt them against her own was permanently ingrained in a corner of her mind. She'd keep it there and pull it to the forefront every so often to reminisce upon in case it were to never happen again; she didn't want to forget.

Eddie's grin grew wider, and she knew he must have noticed her staring, stealing fleeting glances as they walked and walked… and walked. His pace slowed, and he inched closer to her, holding out his hand without saying a word. She looked down at his fingers stretched out toward her, his grin softening as he took in her hesitancy. But, she didn't want to think too much about it and whatever implications it could hold. It may have meant nothing but merely a friendly gesture, and she didn't want to think of the burning that would leave inside.

She interlaced her fingers with his before her doubt could lead her away. Because she wanted to be closer to Eddie, and she smiled to herself with the knowledge that maybe she already was.

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze as they continued walking. “You should smile more often.”

And she realized that maybe she should.

They didn't take many breaks as they traveled, wanting to cover as much distance as they could before the sun set. The landscape hadn't changed at all throughout the last days and the nights and the yearning for something more to come along. As it did every day, her vision became blurry in the blistering heat, the outer edges turning in their slow and lazy vibrations. The sweat trickled down her back, clogged up her nose, and caused her clothes to attach to her skin. But, she still held Eddie's hand as they wandered forward, and he never tried to pull away as he walked in the center of their group. Her on one side and Mike on the other.

They were almost like her family.

Maybe they were her family, one that she created all on her own.

“Hey, what's that?” Mike asked, his tiny hand pointing up ahead.

She saw it then, a wooden house in the distance. Chances were it was abandoned, and they could only hope that it wasn't cleaned dry from previous passers-by. It was rare to find a solitary house that was still lived in. Sometimes they'd come across small communities, communal-type living where everyone played a role, and in return, protection was provided through larger numbers. She never questioned why they didn't stay in one of those communities. It would have seemed like the wise thing to do, but it never fit quite right. There was something else waiting for them out there, and it propelled their feet to keep moving.

But, to find a lone lived-in house? That was the biggest rarity of all. Simply because it was too dangerous, too easy for someone to come in and take over. Some of the things that people would do were too horrific to even think about.

As they neared the small wooden house though, the sight of something caused her to grip Eddie's hand tighter, caused him to let go of the wagon to shield Mike with his other arm.

Not something though.

Someone.

Two someones rocking on a swing on the front porch.

One of them had his long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, taking a slow draw of the cigarette sitting between two fingers. The other one looked taller, and he wore a straw hat decorated with a blue and purple striped band covering his long blonde hair.

She let go of Eddie's hand and took a few steps closer.

“Emmy, what are you doing?” he asked urgently.

She ignored Eddie and spoke to the two men instead. “I know you.”

“Yup,” the one with the cigarette replied.

What was his name?

Her feet carried her up the few rickety steps until she stood before them. She heard Eddie telling Mike to stay back before the creaking of the steps told her that Eddie was behind her. Really though, she didn't need to hear the steps to know; she could feel his presence from anywhere.

He was her earth and her sky and her ocean all at the same time.

She pointed to the cigarette that ponytail held. “Can I have one?”

Stone. His name was Stone.

“I didn't know you smoke.” Eddie's puzzled voice behind her shook her eardrums, as only the earth could.

She didn't either, but it seemed like something she'd do. In that moment.

“There's a lot about me you don’t know.”

His eyes flickered over the features of her face before he answered. “I know.”

The one named Stone handed her a cigarette and held up the lighter to ignite the tip. She leaned forward to accept the open flame, but instead of hazel hues, she was met with blue blue blue. As far as her eyes could see, it was blue.

She inhaled the burning smoke down her throat, into her lungs, staring into Eddie's searching eyes as he passed the lighter back to Stone. He had a way of looking past her, through her, into the heart of her that she didn't know existed. It was in that way that he could both calm her and send a shock through every nerve in her body.

But, she knew now where he belonged, and it wasn't here.

She hoped she could remember.

Eddie delicately removed the cigarette from her fingers, before she was even done with her exhale. As he brought it to his own lips, she was reminded of their almost kiss, how his mouth was now where hers once was. It was silly to think of something like that at that moment, but one can hardly help where the mind wanders at times. Even at this most critical juncture, when her thoughts should have been elsewhere, it was always him. Always.

“What is this place?” Eddie asked the two men on the swing, his eyes never straying from hers.

The one in the hat answered. “You don't wanna go in there.”

And his name was Jeff.

She knew that now.

Eddie's head jerked to the side. “Why not?”

“Because no one who goes in there ever comes out,” Jeff said.

There was no explanation why. It was simply that. She knew it to be true though… somehow. Maybe for the same reason that she knew their names. Stone and Jeff. They were strangers, but still she could recognize their faces.

She stepped around Eddie, coming to stand in front of the door that led inside the house that was full of unknowns. It could be her demise, but she had to go open the door.

Eddie's hand found hers again. One last time. Or not. The possibilities were endless. “What are you doing?”

“I have to go in.”

“Why?”

She couldn't give him the answer he wanted, whatever that was. Her head shook as she gazed into those eyes that were so blue blue blue, the song he sang playing in her head as she saw his hair damp from water instead of sweat and his feet buried in the sand. It was the loveliest of visions, and she ached for it to come true.

She had to go in.

“Will you sing that song for me?” she asked him.

“What?”

“Oceans.”

He squinted at her as though she were crazy. Maybe she was. “You want me to sing it now?”

“Will you?” She took his hand in both of hers. “Please?”

And he did…

And he did.

It was just as beautiful as the night before. If not more so. Because while his eyes were the sky, lifting her up so she could fly… his voice was the earth, destined to make sure her feet landed safely on the ground. And the song… the song was his essence as currents rolled above and beneath him, through him and around him.

That's where he belonged.

“I'm scared,” she said after he finished his song.

His hands clasped around the top of her shoulders, eyes intense in that particular way that only he could manage. “I won't let anything happen to you.”

She knew he'd never lie to her. That was one of the few things she could depend on in a world so full of falsity. And it convinced her that she needed to follow through as she reached behind her and turned the knob, the door swinging wide open. It was almost time, but there was still something left unshared. A final chapter to close the story, but it was just part one. There would be many chapters left to come as there was still the next life and the next… and the one after.

Her hands cupped both his cheeks as she held his face close to her own. Closer… closer… and closer still. She worried what would happen as the air began to shift around them. The signs were there, but she didn't want to live in the regret that she didn't know.

His breath fanned across her face as he drew her nearer, and she caught it as she pressed her lips to his in what was the ultimate defiance. They weren't supposed to be here, but they belonged somewhere… together.

And just as Eddie was the earth and the sky and the ocean, she was the fire, burning the fraying ends away one strand at a time. The heat from the flames swelled up inside of her until it was too much to contain. It spread forth, nearly uncontrollable as his fingers sifted through her hair and her hands clung to the front of his shirt. They were the only two left on the planet, and it seemed inconsequential that the ground finally cracked and split, lava spewing forth and lapping at their feet as a cruel reminder of what was to come.

It should have been water.

But, the signs were all there.

The heat burned holes in everything it touched, but he held her close, and she didn't want to let him go. She didn't want to… because as his two lips continued to move against her own, she could feel it. Something new and something oh so wonderfully familiar.

Why did she have to let him go?

She could see him disintegrating away, or maybe it was her. And she wanted to hold on, for she suddenly feared she may never see him again. But, Eddie was the earth, and his eyes were the sky, and his essence was the ocean, and she knew somewhere deep within that he would never spread his wings and fly… not without her. He would carry her with him wherever he chose to go.

He could go wherever he wanted to go, and yet he chose her.

The water would one day be enough to put out the fire.

And then, he was gone.

…

She sat up straight in bed and wiped the cold sweat from her brow. The room she was in was small, too much so to hold many things aside from her bed. That was alright with her though; she didn't require much anyway. The tiny round window gave a view of the artificial neon lights and the smoky pollution that lived outside. She felt like she needed to be somewhere, but she couldn't remember where.

Her head swiveled to the side when she heard a knock at the door.

“Emmy,” the voice called. “Are you ready?”

“I'm here,” she answered in a voice that she guessed must have belonged to her. “You can come in.”

The person outside her door could have been crazy, but she had a feeling…

“What are you doing still in bed?” he asked as he entered her room.

“Um…”

All she could see was blue blue blue. The neon created dancing light specks in his eyes.

“You need to get up. We're gonna get the shit beat out of us if we're late.”

She was confused, but what he said almost made sense; she felt the ache of bruises on her back. “Late for what?”

He stared at her as if she had two heads. Hell, maybe she did. “For work. Come on, we need to go.”

That's right, they had to go to work. That sounded right… but then, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't right at all.

She didn't belong here.

Eddie didn't belong here either.

#pearl jam fanfiction #pearl jam fanfic #eddie vedder fanfiction #eddie vedder fanfic #bandfic #grunge fanfiction #eddie vedder x ofc #mike mccready - small part #yes hes a kid #stone gossard - small part #jeff ament - small part #grunge fanfic

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glorifiedgpjfic · 1 year

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Chapter 48

As Jo drove to work she began making a mental list of what she wanted to discuss in therapy, she felt although it was easier to plan what she wanted to cover in each session to avoid rambling and not making as much progress as she possibly could. When she’d first started seeing Dr Isles, she found that for the first few sessions, she would tend to info dump and jump from one topic to another, which, luckily Dr Isles could just about keep up with, it took Jo a while to even realise she did it - so she made a note to be sure to know what she wanted to talk about in each session so she could tick it off as she went. She began trying to figure out what she was actually feeling, it was challenging because she knew she felt annoyed, yet somehow she felt angry, not at Eddie but herself, for not standing up for herself and her job, she felt angry at Marc O’Leary for being a misogynistic prick, she was angry for his first victim who wasn’t believed. But the problem with this anger was that there was nowhere for her to direct it or channel it so last night she had aimed it directly at the one person who didn’t deserve it.

When Jo arrived at work she was eager to get to therapy, she needed to vent desperately. She made a beeline to the office where her therapist was waiting for her, she took a seat opposite Dr Isles,

“Good morning, Jo- How are you feeling today?” Jo couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle,

“Well…” Jo then went on to explain how she was feeling about not being in the field and how she wasn’t quite adjusting to the new role, she explained how she was unintentionally growing resentful towards Eddie which she knew was unfair, when she finally finished speaking her mouth was dry and she found herself gulping down a glass of water, Dr Isles pondered what Jo had told him for a few moments.

“I understand why your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be in the field, he obviously cares about you very deeply, I think you feel angry because you aren’t used to having someone looking out for you- since your grandparents died when you were young, you’ve grown up with a very small circle and now that's expanding and it scares you that someone cares about you. You’ve always been able to take risks with your job and do whatever you wanted, and now you feel that you’re losing control in your life, because for the first time ever you aren’t the only character in your story. And you don’t know how to let someone care for you.” There was a brief silence,

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I don’t want to give up a big part of myself just so that Eddie sleeps at night. It’s like me asking him to stop singing just in case someone stalks him- it's unreasonable!”

“Why do you think it’s unreasonable?”

“Because I’m standing down because of a ‘what if’, this job is all I’ve ever done and I’m not dead yet. Why does this have to be the compromise?”

“I can’t answer that, only you and Eddie can.”

At potatohead Eddie was stewing, he seemed withdrawn which in the past wasn’t a good sign for the band, it was Jeff who broke the silence,

“What’s going on Ed?”

“I think I fucked up.” He went on to explain the situation and how Jo had spoken to him, he felt guilty but he thought it would be better to feel guilty than to have to plan Jo’s funeral. But then again he didn’t want to lose her again, he was so conflicted. The guys had very little input, the best they could offer their distressed friend was a place to vent without judgement, which he obviously needed.

Jo left her session with Dr Isles feeling confused, she needed to talk to Eddie and she needed to stop trying to avoid hurting his feelings they needed to talk frankly. On her way back to her desk she bumped into a very stressed Eleanor,

“I need your help,” Jo nodded and followed Eleanor to her desk, “it’s the Bonnie and Clyde case.” Jo felt her stomach drop, this case had been on her mind for weeks; the case had so many parallels to her parents and she knew that mentally she was not strong enough to even think about them. “We finally got them, it’s just-” Eleanor paused, “we can’t get a word out of them, they’ve lawyered up but we can’t find their latest victims.” Eleanor handed Jo a thick brown folder, “They’ve changed MO completely since you were on the case, hell, they’ve changed MO at least three times.”

“Is that what’s happening? Are they changing MO, or are they devolving?” Jo asked and Eleanor couldn’t answer, “So they’ve gone from burglary to murder and now they’ve abducted a couple?” Eleanor nodded, “what do we know about the couple they took?” Jo began flipping through the file looking for details about the couple but there wasn’t much, they seemed to be completely normal.

“We don’t have much about our Bonnie and Clyde, other than their names; Rose Hindley and Ian Knowles, we’ve got nothing on their history, it’s like they never existed.”

Jo was interested to find out whether the names they had were real, she couldn’t help but think of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady and the Moors murders. Were the names just coincidence? Or were they fake names chosen to pay homage to two of England’s most evil murderers? This thought made Jo nervous, why of all the duos would they name themselves after British killers? She pondered whether it seemed like something her parents would do, the truth was she didn’t know. She knew nothing about them, and truthfully she hoped they were dead. Eleanor led her to the interrogation room where Ian Knowles and his lawyer were having a hushed conversation, Joanne was relieved to see that Ian was no older than forty. Jo watched through the one-way mirror as he spoke to his lawyer gesturing frantically with his hands, his eyes were dark and Joanne was eager to speak to him; however, the lawyer was likely to make things difficult.

Before deciding who to speak to first Joanne went to observe Rose Hindley, she needed to try and figure out how their dynamic worked. In contrast to Ian, Rose sat ignoring her lawyer staring blankly at her reflection in the mirror, she was calm and collected; it quickly became apparent to Jo that she was the dominant one in their relationship. Now she just needed to figure out how to get her to talk, in previous cases, Jo had managed to manipulate the submissive one in the dynamic to turn on their partner and spill all the details of the case, she didn’t feel although this case would be quite so straight forward.

Eleanor and Joanne spent a few hours trying to decide how to approach the interrogation and before they knew it the day had flown by, they had decided to leave the pair’s interrogation until the morning. They had informed William of their plan for the morning and he had approved of it, offering to help should they need it.

“Today has been long.” Eleanor sighed as they gathered their belongings at their respective desks,

“You’re telling me, shall we go for a drink?” Jo had suggested and Eleanor had quickly agreed, so Jo had driven them to her apartment where she left her car and they had walked to the off ramp. Jo had noticed that there were no lights on in the apartment suggesting that Eddie wasn’t home yet, which she thought was strange unless he’d gone back to ‘Casa Cornell’ or was still at potatohead.

What was intended to be one drink quickly turned into several drinks and soon enough Eleanor was excusing herself to go home, she was quite the lightweight which surprised Jo. Not being ready to go home just yet Jo opted to stay for one more, which was a lie. She moved from the booth she and Eleanor had occupied to a stool by the bar, she felt out of place as she was still wearing her suit and everyone else was dressed much more casually. She stared blankly into her Amaretto and cranberry and thought about what she’d discussed in therapy earlier that day, she was desperate for a solution that wouldn’t ruin her relationship; but spending today with El and working on the interrogation made her miss being in the field even more. She missed how each case was a new puzzle and how she would be there for every stage, from the crime being reported to the suspects being arrested, sometimes she’d even be there in court to testify, she got to do it all. Whereas now, now she was stuck in a loop of; go to prison, speak to rapists and murderers, make notes, leave prison, repeat. And as much as she had found the research interesting it was monotonous, and she felt stir-crazy.

After a few more drinks she found herself feeling more chatty and upbeat, she struck up a conversation with the bartender and was laughing at a joke he’d told when she felt a tap on the shoulder, she spun around on her stool and was surprised to see Chris standing there with a concerned expression on his face,

“OMG! Cornell! What are you doing here? I am so happy to see you!” Jo jumped up from her stool and threw her arms around him some of her drink spilt down his back but he didn’t mention it, Jo quickly turned back to the bar and ordered a drink for her and Chris but before the bartender could start making the drinks Chris changed the order to two glasses of water, which Jo immediately began complaining about.

“Why don’t you go find us a booth? Somewhere we can talk,” Chris suggested with a reassuring smile, Jo nodded and bounded off in search of a booth. Chris soon joined her with their waters,

“Jo, what’s going on?”

#pearl jam fanfic #pearl jam fanfiction #eddie vedder fanfiction #eddie vedder #stone gossard #jeff ament #dave abbruzzese #mike mccready #grunge fanfic #grunge fanfiction

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wickedworm · 11 months

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Pearl Jam, Mother Love Bone, Green River (Band) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Jeff Ament/Original Female Character(s) Characters: Jeff Ament, Original Female Character(s) Additional Tags: Angst, Smut, Shameless Smut, brief mentions of death, friends(?) to lovers, i may or may not be dyslexic so apologies if typos, bass player lovers unite, first fic please be gentle Summary:

Now we're as low as we can get Can't leave and can't forget

#here. just take it.#pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfic #jeff ament

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gleafer · 6 months

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Crowley Falls Again

What are you having for breakfast? I’m having bacon and ANGST!

Started as a fun competition on @goodomensafterdark and now my wheels be turning for another comic book series that’s vibing the 90s angry goth vibe a la The Crow.

Goodness GenX, someone give us a hug!

Ps: I’m aware I misspell quite a bit in my art. My brain goes PFFT when I’m in an art fervor, so apologies for the bad grammar!

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dangeroustaintedflawed · 16 days

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chocofck · 27 days

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⏝ི ♬♪ ⁠ ུ ⏝ིི᭨Sugar for the Pill ❤︎ ᵕ‿‿ᵕ ❤︎━╋ ♪ •̩̩͙*˚ ❀

❥. ᭄slowdive and summer melodies✟ ⠞⡷🍏𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝄒 ͜✿֪▶️

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teethondafloor · 9 months

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Wait cos his dreads era was gorginaa

✮

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aghostofmyformerself · 6 months

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maluyoongi · 1 month

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título: Curves Of My Melody data: 23 de março de 2024 programa: ibis paint x doada para: @mestradovento link: 📼

realizei meu sonho de capar com essas fotos da natty🙏🙏 ainda não ouvi uma unidade de música delas, mas tô apaixonada. e era pra ser com a belle, mas essa menina tem um sorriso maior q a cara e a queridinha da haneul se encaixou melhor🤌 um bj

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golden-gypsy · 6 months

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On Archive of Our Own

On Wattpad

Writings and Such:

Past the Horizon - ao3 / Wattpad

Blue - Here / ao3 / Wattpad

#pearl jam fanfiction #eddie vedder fanfiction #fanfiction #pearl jam fanfic #grunge fanfiction #past the horizon #grunge fanfic #band fic #eddie vedder fanfic

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glorifiedgpjfic · 2 years

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Glorified G - Chapter 47

A/N Hey! It's been a while and for that, I am SO sorry, but I've given my head a wobble and I'm hoping to get back to posting semi-regularly until I've finished this fic, I really hope you enjoy the next chapters :) x

A/N 2.0 - trigger warning - Sexual assault / Rape - Also the offender in this chapter is a real offender, however he was active in the 00’s rather than 90’s so for the sake of the fic we’re gonna pretend it was the 90’s - thank you :)

Jo arrived at Washington State Department of Corrections about ten minutes before she was scheduled to arrive, she needed to be on time for this, plus arriving early gave her plenty of time to go through the process of handing over her gun and badge at the entrance. She felt nervous for the interview, but at the same time she knew she’d prepared as much as she possibly could, she’d spent hours studying the case files, she’d read the transcripts of previous interviews that detectives and police officers had had with Marc O’Leary, she knew everything down to his medical history. Marc O’Leary had been convicted of six rapes over a three year period, the first victim an 18 year old girl hadn’t been believed by police at the time and was even charged with false report of rape, the police had effectively bullied her into recanting her statement- Joanne had been outraged by this, it made total sense to her why people wouldn’t come forward about such crimes when law enforcement couldn’t be trusted to believe victims. One thing Jo had always wanted to change was how sexual assault survivors were treated by both law enforcement but also the judiciary, people should be able to report crimes safely without fear of ridicule or not being believed.

Marc was in the interview room before Jo, she had opted to let him sit for a few minutes before she’d introduce herself. She wanted a little bit of extra time to review the case and her knowledge of it. She adjusted her ponytail and blazer before opening the door and stepping inside, as soon as she entered the room she felt Marc’s animalistic gaze on her, she pushed it aside as she sat down opposite him,

“Hello Mr O’Leary, I’m agent Taylor- I was hoping we could have a little chat.” Joanne said calmly, the man across from her gave an unnerving grin, she observed the way he sat in his chair - looking her up and down like she were his prey, she couldn’t help but be thankful that he was shackled to the metal table he licked his lips before responding to her,

“Please call me Marc, what do you want to talk about Miss Taylor?” Joanne had to stop herself from rolling her eyes,

“Okay Marc, and it’s agent Taylor- I just wanted to talk about what you did to get in here.”

The interview with Marc hadn’t been particularly successful, he hadn’t shared anything with Joanne other than his opinions about her body which made her skin crawl, however as always she had managed to maintain her poker face and redirected the conversation back to business. As soon as the interview had concluded and O’Leary had been taken back to his cell, she remained in the room for a few minutes quickly jotting down her notes that she had not been able to make during the interview, she had had hated how he looked at her, but she knew that she’d be able to use his misogyny to her advantage in the future interviews. She made notes about the type of rapist he presented as based on how he had spoken to her, and from the evidence she had seen in the case files; he was an anger rapist- the aim of this type of offender is to debase and humiliate their victims, knowing what the women he attacked went through made Joanne feel genuinely sick to her stomach- her mind wandered back to the night when Matthew had followed her back from the bar, it reminded her how lucky she was to get away from him that night.

On her drive home from the prison Jo felt although she could cry, she felt completely drained from the interview and dreaded going back in a few days time; she considered how much it meant to Eddie that she was in a safer work environment and then considered how it made her feel stepping away from the thing she truly loved, her stomach churned as it dawned on her that she was annoyed with Eddie.

Eddie and the guys were on a total high, they were planning out their next tour and couldn’t wait to be back on the road travelling and performing for their fans. Their second album ‘Five Against One’ was almost finished and they had some songs that they felt really confident about, there was one that Eddie was still trying to finish- ‘Glorified G’ it wasn’t quite ready to be recorded, but once that was done then they’d be ready to record and launch their second album. Eddie had left Potatohead in a great mood, he couldn’t wait to tell Joanne about the tour plans; he was hoping that she’d be able to attend some of the more local gigs, he’d even hoped she’d be able to make some the east coast shows if she could get assigned to Quantico for a few weeks, he knew how she was working with John Douglas and he seemed to recall Jo mentioning him inviting her to Quantico the last time they’d worked together, of course, he knew he was getting ahead of himself but, he had every right to be excited. It would be perfect, the woman he loves watching him do the thing he loves, with the band he loves.

Eddie arrived home before Jo and decided to put a pot of coffee on and start making some food for them, he wanted to make tonight relaxing for Jo as he knew how nervous she had been about this new job and he really appreciated that she had taken his concerns on board. He watched as her headlights lit up the driveway, he poured a mug of coffee and had it in his hand in time for her walking through the door she took the mug from him and offered a small smile,

“Something smells good,” She commented and Eddie gestured to the oven,

“I’ve attempted to make Chris’s infamous homemade chow mein, I’m just hoping we don’t get food poisoning.” Eddie said with a small chuckle, the same chuckle that would normally make her melt, and despite Eddie greeting her with coffee and food Jo couldn’t help but still feel irritated by him, she knew it wasn’t Eddie she was annoyed at but rather the fact she had to make such a big change to her job in order to keep him happy, she responded to him with a strained laugh- which of course, Eddie picked up on,

“Do I have time to have a quick shower before the food is ready?” Jo asked and Eddie nodded in response, she wanted to have a few minutes to herself to gather her thoughts and try to mask her current feelings. She knew that it wasn’t fair to be mad at Eddie. He was just looking out for her, but at the same time she’s always done the same job and she hadn’t died yet, so why does she suddenly need to change that? Especially when she was going to be put in more situations like today where she feels uncomfortable because of the people she’s interviewing. After about ten minutes she got out of the shower feeling somewhat calmer, she returned to Eddie in the kitchen who had started dishing up the food as soon as he heard the shower turn off, she sat opposite him and the two engaged in polite small talk as they ate, Eddie felt nervous to mention the tour when he could tell there was something bothering Jo,

“What’s up Eddie?” The thing that bugged Eddie was that Jo could always read him, he could never keep his feelings to himself, it bugged him but at the same time he loved that sometimes they didn’t need to speak because Jo could just tell how he was feeling from looking at him.

“Nothin, how was your day? Are you okay?” Jo raised an eyebrow at him to challenge him, “Okay sherlock, so we’re planning our next tour- and I was wondering if you could come to some of the shows,” Eddie decided to leave out the part about the east coast shows for now, he could tell her about that nearer the time, he sensed that now wasn’t the time to discuss dragging her across the country and just hoping it would fit in with her schedule.

“Oh Babe, that’s ace! Of course I’ll come to your shows! Jo beamed with pride and for a moment she forgot about how her day had been.

“How was your day?” Eddie asked as Jo took a sip of her coffee,

“Honestly, it was rough. I’m dreading going back, it kinda brought a lot of stuff up for me like the whole Matthew thing and I feel like until I’ve finished this work that’s something I’m going to have to try and ignore.” Eddie gave a sad smile before pausing for a moment,

“I’m sorry Jo, do you wanna talk about it?” Jo tried her best not to snap, but the words left her mouth before she could even think about them,

“It’s your fault I’m in this position-” her hand flew to her mouth, shocked at the bitterness that laced her words, “I’m sorry, that was unfair, I’m just tired- I’m gonna head to bed.” She scurried off to the bedroom regretting her words, knowing that Eddie would be awake all night thinking about what she had said.

The following morning Jo left Eddie a note apologising once again for her outburst, luckily she had a therapy session to look forward to. She hoped that venting there would help her to stop blaming Eddie for her slight career change.

Eddie hadn’t slept at all, he was exhausted. He kept thinking how could he have avoided this, there was nothing he could’ve done differently he couldn’t just let Jo carry on acting like she was invincible- he didn’t want to lose her just because she liked to play the hero, it wasn’t like this new job was much different to her old one, she was still dealing with the worst society had to offer, only now she was dealing with them in a controlled environment- he hoped that maybe she’d adjust to it and start to enjoy the work she was doing. His biggest fear now was that he’d lose her only she wouldn’t be dead, she’d resent him and leave his life- which for a moment he thought was worse.

#pearl jam fanfic #pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfiction #grunge fanfic #eddie vedder fanfiction #eddie vedder #mike mccready #jeff ament #dave abbruzzese #stone gossard #eddie vedder fanfic #pearl jam

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brandogenius · 2 months

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POMS MASTERLIST!

[Julien Baker]

Navigate to home!

HEADCANONS:

➵ Cosy days with julien

➵ Julien x Streamer reader

➵ Attending the grammys with julien

➵ Julien x Singer reader

➵ Julien x masc grumpy reader

➵ more julien x masc reader

➵ julien x anxious reader

➵ julien x controversial younger gf!

➵ julien x rockstar! reader

➵ julien x wrestler! reader

➵ julien x teacher ! reader

➵ julien x goth / grunge ! reader

➵ julien x reader - friends to lovers

➵ julien x reader - first fight

➵ julien x short reader

➵ more julien x controversially young gf

➵ julien x reader “first I love you”

➵ julien and reader reconciling after a break

➵ julien helping reader through a depressive episode

➵ julien x reader - first time endearments

➵ julien & readers younger sibling

➵ julien x reader - birthday surprise

➵ julien x famous fashion designer

➵ julien x IT girl reader

➵ julien x masc non binary reader

➵ julien x more masc grumpy reader!

➵ julien x reader - accidental marriage

➵ julien x reader - summer sundays

➵ julien x famous author reader

➵ julien x rockstar girlfriend reader

➵ julien x taller reader

➵ julien x famous film director

➵ julien x reader - secret relationship

➵ julien x singer!reader - hard launching

➵ julien x reader - valentine’s day

➵ julien x reader - wedding

➵ julien x reader - comforting them after college

➵ julien x masc reader in a band

➵ julien x lucy x reader - poly

➵ julien x masc grumpy boxer gf

➵ julien x hotheaded!reader

➵ julien x masc reader - meeting jbs parents

➵ julien x soft! gf reader

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader hcs lore

➵ julien x photographer reader

➵ more julien x femme reader

ONE SHOTS:

➵ julien x reader - come lay down with me

➵ julien x reader - newly wedded wife

➵ julien x reader - a failed chance

FICS:

➵ julien x reader - stranded TEASER

➵ julien x reader - ex to lovers

PROMPTS:

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader at a party

➵ julien x reader “I love you doesn’t begin to express what I feel for you.”

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - christmas tree problems

➵ julien x reader - chocolate cake

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - gotta be prepared

BLURBS:

➵ julien x reader - comforting you after unsupportive parents

➵ julien x reader - coffee shop au talk

➵ julien x reader - break up and make up

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader

➵ julien x reader - sleepless nights

➵ julien x dom masc grumpy reader

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader- the aftermath of a concert

➵ julien x gym rat masc reader

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - NO PICKLES

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - first time crying

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - a bit about readers background

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader - burned dinner

➵ julien & younger!artist - comforting them through an exam

➵ julien x masc grumpy reader

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mookie--jam · 2 years

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Chapter 1: The Tape (Empty Canvas)

Someone’s knocking at my door. But it doesn’t sound like knocking. It sounds more like a raging bull trying to ram it down with all it’s might. This can only mean one thing. The person standing behind the door is about 6 foot 2, shaggy haired, possibly wearing a combination of the following items: ripped up shirt, oversized sweater that’s falling of his shoulders, torn up jeans or a pair of shorts with brightly colored leggings underneath. And the item that he’s certainly wearing: one of his many weird hats.

I sigh and walk over to the door. “Stop knocking already, you’re gonna break the damn door!” I shout as I open it. As expected my suspicions were correct.

“Lola, my dear, my love, light of my life, fire of my loins”, Ament exclaims as he wraps his arms around me. I chuckle a little at his greeting and hug him back. This over exaggerated way of greeting me is a remnant of a drunken summer night when in a drunken stupor I had decided that it was a good time to explain the origins of my name. For the umpteenth time people were singing the Kinks song and I and the cheap wine that was coursing through my veins had decided that I finally needed to correct people. I was not named after the song, I was named after the book Lolita by Nabokov. And there I was on top of a hill, reciting the opening lines from the book with a drunken lisp. The ‘light of my life, fire of my loins’ part really stuck with Ament and now, three fucking months later he still won’t let it go. I’ve decided to accept it and move on.

As I hug him back, his smell comes over me. A combination of sweat, pastries and coffee, sickly and sweet. We break apart and he immediately storms into my studio apartment and let’s himself fall face first on top of my bed. I sit down next to him and give him a pat on the back.

“Bad day?” I ask.

“The absolute fucking worst”, he mumbles into the pillow. I stand up and head to the kitchenette area of my apartment. It’s just a stovetop, a fridge and a sink, but I don’t need much more. I rummage in the cabinet and find the coffee.

“You read my mind”, I hear Jeff mumble as the bed creaks underneath him. He’s probably switched to an upright position.

“I still find it bullshit that they don’t even give you free coffee at Raison d’Etre. I mean how greedy can they be? Let’s just do the math here for a second. So each shift there’s about five people working, the average shift is about eight hours long. And I know they often make you do over time, but let’s not calculate that in. So let’s say that a person drinks about three cups of coffee during a shifts… So per shift that’s fifteen cups -give or take-, two shifts a day, so that’s thirty cups. And the original price -because they charge way too much- is about 40 cents a cup. So to finance the coffee intake of their staff it would cost them a whopping 12 bucks. It’s just utter bullshit.”

Whilst I was doing the calculations I put on the coffee maker and it’s just started to drip, so in five minutes it will be done. I turn around and lean against the stovetop. Jeff is looking at me in confusion. “What?” I ask.

“You’re about the only person I know that does math out of frustration and I understood about half of what you just said.” I laugh and shake my head. “All I’m saying is that your employers are penny pinching motherfuckers that treat you like semi-slaves.”

“Well in that case amen”, he says as he lets himself fall back on the bed.

“Ament, thank God you’re wearing leggings under those shorts, because otherwise I’d be seeing your balls right now”, I say and turn around. I hear him shrug and cross his legs. The coffee is done and I pour it into two mugs. I sit down next to Jeff again and hand him one. He sits back up and takes it.

“You’ve got rehearsal?” I ask him, as he takes a sips and lets out a moan that could be mistaken for something else.

“No”, he says and shakes his head, “Me and Stone are listening to some of the audition tapes we’ve received over the past few weeks.”

“Aha, so the search for a singer continues”, I say after swallowing a sip.

“Yes. I mean we’ve already listened to a few, but they’re not really what we’re looking for.”

“You mean that most are tone deaf?”

He chuckles a little. “Some are, but those that actually sounded good are just copying Andy.”

As soon as he says that name a somberness comes over his voice. I nod and try to ignore the gravitas of his voice.

“And the thing is that we’re looking for a new sound”, he continues on, the somberness quickly disappearing. “I mean, Mother Love Bone is through, we’re done, that band stopped existing the day Andy died. And some people just don’t get that. We’re not looking for a new Andy, we’re looking for someone completely new.” Even if it’s just to take away the pain, I think, but I don’t say aloud.

“So when’s Gossard arriving?” I say, changing the subject.

“Any minute”, Jeff says, finishing his cups and immediately heading towards the pot for more. “I’ve forgotten my keys to the rehearsal space, so I’m waiting for him to get here so I can get in.”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re paying me a visit? To warm your butt and steal my coffee until Stone gets here. Not to visit your favorite rehearsal space neighbor? I’m offended”, I jokingly say.

“Lola, first of all, you’re our only ‘rehearsal space neighbor’. Secondly, you know that you’re much better company than mister sarcasm himself. But I will admit, the coffee stealing part is 100 % true.”

“I knew it”, I laugh as I throw a pillow at his head, nearly causing him to drop the coffee.

“Lola Carmichael, why are you trying to maim my bassist?” a familiar voice says. I must’ve left the door open, because there leaning against the doorframe is Gossard. If I didn't know better I’d smack him in the face for that arrogant attitude, the way he’s standing there with that smirk and his arms crossed.

“Brick! As always a pleasure to see you”, I say in a sarcastic tone, as I walk over to him. He looks me up and down as I copy his stance at the other side of the doorframe. The smirk breaks into a smile as he throws an arm around me and gives me a couple of pats on the back.

“Is that real coffee is smell, or Raison d’être stench on Aments clothes?” he mutters into neck.

“Both, feel free to grab a cup,” I say as I let go.

“This is why I love you”, he says as he pours himself a cup, ‘This and your wonderful bosom.”

“Gossard, do you want me to maim you as well?” I say as I pick up another pillow.

“Just stating the obvious”, he says as he takes a sip. Ament is watching the whole scene from the bed. “Well, he does have a point”, he mutters.

“AMENT!”

“It’s true!”

“You want me to tell your girlfriend?”

“Oh, but she agrees.”

“What?”

“You know, late at night, when we’re in bed together, it’s a frequent point of discussion. Always gives us enough energy to go another round”, he says with the biggest smile.

“Fuck off!” I shout and launch myself at him, trying to suffocate him with the pillow. I hear Gossard’s laughter next to us.

“When you’ve finished your murder attempt, can I use your cassette player, I’ve got a new singer to find”, he states dryly. I give up trying to kill Ament and look at Stone, but not before giving Ament a punch on the shoulder.

“Sure you can use it”, I say as I push back my mop of curls, “But aren’t you gonna listen in the basement, I mean it’s your rehearsal space after all. It’s got better acoustics.”

“Acoustics don’t matter when listening to a fucking tape. And also I can’t”, he says as he’s fishing a few tapes out of his backpack.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Jeff and I say in unison.

“I forgot my keys”, Stone says, “and Ament always forgets his keys, so the conclusion is that there is no way of getting into the rehearsal space.”

“One of these days you guys are gonna walk out on stage in your underwear without instruments.” I shake my head. I know it may be a bit snobbish to think, but sometimes these guys would be nothing without me. Well no exactly me, it’s mostly my apartment. Without it they’d have no coffee, no toilet -because the gallery won’t let them use it any more after McCready’s sangria incident-, no shower in case one of them slept on the couch. No First Aid kit -which they need a lot. And most importantly no coffee.

“So Lola’s gonna listen with us?” Jeff asks.

“Obviously, we can’t chase her out of her own apartment. Also I might be good to have someone outside of the band help us, more of an audience opinion. At least if you want?” Stone turns to me.

“I’d be delighted”, I say as I put my legs into lotus position and lean against the wall.

“How do you even do that?” Ament looks at me with utter confusion.

“Yoga”, I simply say. I take my packet of cigarettes of my nightstand, take one out and light it. I look up and see the guys looking at me with puppy eyes. After an overdramatic sigh I toss them the packet and the lighter. Another thing they need me for, their nicotine fix.

Once the cigarettes are lit, and after I place the ashtray with lost of obvious gestures next to them (if I didn’t my entire apartment would be the ashtray), Stone puts the first tape into the cassette player. After about 30 seconds of McCready’s guitar a voice starts singing. It takes Jeff 10 more seconds to shout: “Andy copycat, next!”

Stone nods and takes out the tape, putting another one in. And so we sit there for about half an hour, listening to the tapes. Most of which aren’t played completely. Music is an intuitive thing and if they don’t feel it within the first minute or so, they’re never gonna feel it.

Eventually Stone takes out the last tape. It’s a white cassette, on it writing in black marker. “Okay”, Stone says with a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, “so this is from a guy named Eddie.”

“Not really a rock name”, Jeff says sounding bored. He’s hanging upside down from the edge of my bed, his hat miraculously still attached to his head.

“You’ve got to be kidding me right?” I say at Jeff’s comment.

“How so?”

“Eddie. Very rock. It’s the name of Meatloaf’s character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show!”

“You mean the messed up rockabilly biker?”

“Yes… Messed up, but the girls love him”, I say as I wiggle my eyebrows.

“Meatloaf?”

“Also, but I meant a guy on a motorcycle serenading me and calling me Hot Patootie.”

“You have very strange taste in men.”

“It’s not all about looks, though it doesn’t hurt. But you should be happy it’s not all about looks, how else would you have a girlfriend?”

Jeff is about to wrestle me, when Stone interrupts us. “Can we just listen to this tape, before you try to kill each other again, it’s the last one.” Jeff and I get off each other and put ourselves into civil positions.

“Thank you”, Stone says and looks back at the tape, “So this is the guy Jack recommended us.”

“The one from San Diego?” Jeff chimes in.

“Yup, anyhow he named this the momma-son trilogy. Titles: Alive, Once and Footsteps.”

“Good names, very rock”, Jeff states, “Play it!”

“No, actually I was gonna shove it up my ass for sexual pleasure, of course I’m gonna play it”, Stone states in his usual sarcasm drenched tone as he pops the cassette into the player and lights his cigarette.

It’s about the twelfth time today I hear McCready’s opening guitar and it’s still genius to me. I need to tell him, well maybe not, it might inflate his ego too much.

My thoughts come to a screeching halt once the voice on the tape starts singing. “Oh my god”, I whisper. Jeff launches himself at the cassette player shouting at Stone: “Turn it up!” Stone is awakened from his shock and does as Ament tells him. Without noticing I’ve crawled closer towards the cassette player as well. We’re all hanging above the damn thing, trying to absorb as much of this voice as possible. It’s the first tape we actually listen completely. It’s just mesmerizing. His voice, the lyrics, the emotion. Fucking hell, this guy is coming from a deep place.

It takes us all a minute to realize the tape is finished. Jeff and Stone are looking at each other in shock, but with huge grins plastered across their face. Eventually they look at me. I nod at them like crazy.

“This is it. This is your guy.”

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