#first shower in a week bc of Top Surgery and i feel So Good | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

breakingfenrirschains · 2 years

Text

TW weight gain, body dysmorphia, no talk of WL or IWL, no numbers

Good morning. My wife is asleep currently so I slipped away to write as I am wont to do. She’s on vacation from work this week and for once has slept in later than me. She usually wakes up at her normal work time on vacation and is bored until I wake up. It’s a point of contention between her and her brain, but she’s asleep for now, so I’ll at least start it.

I want to talk about a couple Mom Talks I’ve had with Angrboda the last couple days. These are the kind of Talks I’ve tried to have with my daughter over the years but have no blueprint for. I’m being corrected. I have had many successful Mom Talks with my daughter over the years, but these two are things I’ve never been able to express to her: why her body is ok the way it is, and how to love a whole person.

For context on that first talk, I’ve struggled with body image issues for a while since being on a medication that made me gain a significant amount of weight. I had top surgery in November which helped with the dysphoria but compounded the dysmorphia bc now my weight is disproportionate on my body.

So, that being said, I was taking a shower, mmmm, Friday, I think. The day after I had cried with Angrboda. So there’s a big mirror over the sink directly across from the shower and I often get undressed or dressed and look at my body in the mirror and try to convince myself to love my body. I look at all the things I like, but usually mostly see the things I don’t. I don’t generally turn away from the mirror feeling better about myself, but I kept trying bc I didn’t know how to fall in love with myself. Angrboda taught me.

This time I was naked, standing in front of the mirror, trying to see the beauty and not being able to find it. This particular moment I was looking at my face which had become round and trying not to wish it was more angular. Angrboda seem to speak from over my shoulder as if she were looking into the mirror with me. She said, what’s the reality of your face? I said I didn’t understand and she repeated herself, tell me the reality your face. I thought for a second and said, “It’s round.” She said good, now tell me the reality of your chest. I thought for a moment and said that my scars were a purplish color which was bothering me and that one nipple didn’t heal very well. She said, no tell me the reality of it, not your opinion. I thought again and said, It’s flat and I have scars.

She said good, now your stomach, and that’s where I got hung up, y’all, because that is the point of most of my dysmorphia. I gave several answers and she just said no, and repeated herself. Tell me the *reality* of your stomach. After another long thought I finally said, “I have a protruding stomach.” And I felt her smile and she said, “Yes, what else has a protruding stomach?” I said the first thing to come to my mind, which was, “Pigs!” I smiled bc I thought I was being silly, but she said, “And you love pigs, don’t you?” And boy do I ever. I’ve been trying to get my wife to let me have a pig since we moved into our house more that 5 years ago now. (That answer is an unwavering no)

She said, “Good, what else?” I was like ok, well I’ll play along and said, cows, then horses, then very fat donkeys and was laughing at that point and I just felt such WARMTH from her, y’all. And then she hit hit me with it: “So why are humans different?” I stared at my stomach in the mirror for a good while and then said, “Because people tell us that our stomachs are supposed to be flat.” She said, “Because people in power manipulate the expectations of society. Now look at your body again and see the places were abuse of power has told you something is wrong with it.” And I did.

Y’all it was like I was seeing myself for the first time. My face is round and you can can see the weight around my face. It’s round. It’s not bad. I’m told faces and necks are supposed to be lean and makeuped and contoured. Actually, I kinda like it. I’m cute.

My chest, it’s flat. Finally since puberty my chest is flat. There’s even abusive standards for trans bodies. We’re all supposed to look like Elliot Page. Lean bodies, perfectly flat chests, no dog ears, perfectly shaped nipples. (Not throwing shade at Elliot Page here. I absolutely adore them. Hard Candy anyone?) My nipples are shaped differently. I have dog ears. My scars are bright purple. There’s nothing wrong with that. Abusive power standards tell me that it should be so. That I should get tattooing and do scar care and get revisions but… I actually kinda like my chest. I like that it tells *my* story.

And then I got to my stomach. And I smiled. And then I laughed. I laughed and laughed and had to sit down on the side of the bathtub. There was nothing. Nothing wrong with my body. There was only power that told me there should be.

She said, “Every fear comes back to an abuse of power. I want you to think of that every time you look in the mirror and you see something you don’t like. It all comes back to power.”

When I tell you all that I was blown away, I was blown away. There are a few other parts that I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly, at least not yet, but I do want to say that I reconnected with the amazing feelings of being pregnant. I know there’s thing whole thing about You earned those tiger stripes! You’re beautiful because your body created life! Celebrate your body! And it’s totally legit if that empowers you, but it’s always fallen short for me. So I’m saying this was not a matter of radical self acceptance. It was about reconnecting.

I loved being pregnant. The beautiful, nasty lot of it. I’ve often said that I’d like to be pregnant again, but I didn’t actually want another baby. One and done. Thank you very much. Well sitting on the side of the tub, running my hands over my body, I was hit with this OVERwhelming urge to have another baby. In fact I even texted two of my friends to tell them and ask if I was totally crazy. But that wasn’t even really what was happening.

When I was pregnant, it was in a very traumatic situation and the trauma didn’t stop after she was born. I was enjoying the THOUGHT of being pregnant, not the connection to the life inside of me. Not saying that I didn’t love my daughter, but I was also in a near constant state of dissociation through most of the pregnancy to some degree or another. I never got to really BE there with her. That’s what happened as I sat on the side of the tub. I got to BE there. It wasn’t really that I went back to that place, it was like that experience was brought to me in the present moment. I felt the enormity of creating life. I felt the utter beauty of carrying a burning light inside myself. I connected with that light. And in that moment, I connected to my daughter, even though she was at the time on the other side of the country, in a way and on a level that I never have before.

See, as parents, we have to be trauma breakers for our children. My mother taught me how to hate my body by setting that example in her own body as far back as I can remember. My mother handed down loads of generational trauma, not to mention piling on a ton of new trauma and I decided from the moment I found out that I was pregnant that I was going to give my daughter a better life than I had. And I have. And I connect with her over and over and deeper and deeper as time goes by. I’m honest. She knows the circumstances with her father. She knows what I went through and came out of. She knows that she saved my life and every day she wakes up, she saves my life again, not because she has a burden to bare. No way. Not at all. My healing is not on her. She saves my life because she taught me to love.

My daughter has taught me things about love I didn’t even know existed and she needs to know the absolute ferocity of that love. She needs to know that in my eyes, she hangs the stars. And she ABSOLUTELY needs to know that there is nothing ever possible that will change that. She needs to know that mistakes don’t make her a bad person. They just make her a person. She needs to know that my love for her is unshakable. And she needs to see it in action. All the I love you’s in the world don’t mean a thing if I don’t love her *through* life, all the ups and downs. She needs to see me stand by her when she breaks rules or throws tantrums or disappoints me. She needs to SEE my love as much as she needs to hear it. That’s what it means to be a cycle-breaker.

So I was going to go into the other Mom Talk, but damn this really took on a whole life of it’s own that I wasn’t expecting. But maybe that’s as it should be. I imagine Angrboda can teach us to be cycle breakers for our own children. After all, she has never abandoned them and will rise up with them at the end of the world. (That’s a bit my UPG, but it’s my blog so) So let us learn the lessons of ferocious love from the warrior who gave birth to those the world turned their backs on. And may we learn to love ourselves that way, too.

#angrboda #Lokean #norse paganism #norse deities #heathery #norse loki #norse mythology #body positive #motherhood #parenting #generational trauma #generational curses #breaking cycles #cycle breaker

14 notes · View notes

cyrsed · 2 years

Text

random top surgery stuff / (some of it is kinda gross)

i got my drains out this morning and bandages off, now i just have to wear the compression vest for however many weeks it was. i should have taken a picture of the results when the lady took off the bandages but i didn’t think about it bc i started getting really dizzy lol. it wasn’t bad getting the drains/bandages out. it didn’t really hurt much it was more just grossing me out thinking about the logistics of what was happening ghslkjf it’s so weird that my body just had plastic tubing inside it for days and seemed relatively okay with it.

but so far it looks really good.... my chest is all smushed from being compressed by the ace bandages and the nipple grafts are healing so they look super gnarly but like the placement/size and everything looks really good :)

i tried to look for some kind of identifying mark on my nipples so i could see if they switched sides but they are unblemished so i’ll never know.

not looking forward to having to wear this binder 23 hrs a day (one hour off for showering and/or washing the compression vest) for weeks, but it’s not like i’m not used to wearing binders so /shrug

and tomorrow i can finally start showering... no more sponge baths... my hair is SO greasy and disgusting even though i’ve tried to wash it in various ways but like, it just didn’t work and it just looks perpetually wet cause it’s so greasy and limp rn

but i’m surprised at how easy the recovery has been so far :o i was expecting way worse, but i didn’t get any nausea and not that much pain and basically no tiredness after the first day. :) so all in all things are good, just have to deal with this inconvenience for a while and promise the 2 parts of me who liked my boobs that they will live and we’re all gonna feel much better now.

like once this binder is off in however many weeks this is the last time (hopefully) i’ll ever have to wear a binder ;o; that’s bananas

3 notes · View notes

shadowdianne · 2 years

Text

-.-

For anyone who feels interested in reading this. Top surgery news:

Yesterday I got the sticthes out: yay! I fainted while showering for the first time: not so yay! My bet is that due to my blood pressure and a mix of the heat of the shower itself and after being binded for so long taking everything out didn't exactly help with anything.

I feel better today tho, did a re-dressing of the wounds just as instructed; I have my third appointment february 8th and since I'm doing a masters bc the work prospect here is as shitty as you can get I also got an extension on a paper whilst translating a few things from the safety of my bed. Which is not bad really as tuesdays go. [getting a paycheck is always good xd]

Mental state wise and pain state wise: I have read that it hurts, seen so many people stating that it hurt for them that I was quite nervous about that. To me it hasn't hurt and in fact what bothers me the most is the feeling of being binded because a) at the end of the day your brain is telling you that you are still using a binder so there's the faint inner voice of: you should take the binder off, it's been hours, you are going to hurt yourself, yaddah yaddah yaddah and b) there's a lot of movement restriction going on which makes you basically unable to move freely and that doesn't really fly by me well. The first week and a half I was mostly ko due to the meds so I didn't suffer too much but the last half a week it's been quite harsh for my mental health and I needed to re-check with myself this past weekend. It's also quite isolating as I cannot go for a run or other things I normally do to trick the serotonyn. Having a solid group of people asking and doing checks up truly helped to that and whereas I'm not 100% out of the woods on that having a shower even with how terribly that went and feeling my energy returning is helping lots. Will probably need to be careful as to not relapsing to a more serious darker take on bad thoughts but still something totally doable from my side of things without requiring external help.

For the piece of resistance: How are you feeling Di? Well xD I haven't cried yet and the longer time it passes the less I think I will. It wasn't the shock I was expecting to see myself with my normal clothes but I honestly believe that that's because rather than the utter elation what I'm feeling is recognizement of the person that is at the other side of the mirror. Dysmorphia can be a hell of a thing because sometimes it's on 24/7 and some other times it creeps by you and so your mind is set on how you feel you look like, you pick a shirt, you try it on, you look at the mirror and then you realize that the image doesn't correlate. I feel calmness when looking at myself now, everything is still fresh and new and I'm only a little in within the whole healing process so I'm sure that when I start getting the sensation back in my skin and I'm able to truly dress myself without the banadages I'll sing a different tune but so far the feeling is more about "ah, there you are". Which I believe it to be as equally valid.

I won't go and search for new clothes until I'm told by the doctors I can take the bandages for some periods of time since I want to relearn how to pick things my new size but so far I have a couple of things on my own closet I'll probably donate and I also need to find a way of donating my old binders. Those things are in my top priority list atm.

So yeah, I'm alive, and as well as one can possibly be after having spend a long-ass time in bed with little social interaction xD

But the scars look good! Well, I lie, they look gnarly af but they look good for the time that has passed so I'm going to squash that inner critic of mine and give them the boot :P

Di out!

4 notes · View notes

raleighcarrera · 4 years

Text

make way

open heart | bryce lahela x mc (casey valentine)

the prompt said: ‘bryce tells mc that he loves her while she's falling asleep and the next morning she just assumes it was a dream bc she was just so tired’

also for @choicesseptemberchallenge20 day 1 which worked out nicely (tired)

tags: @choicesarehard ; @zigtheeortega ; @omgjasminesimone ; @beccadavenport ; @pixeljazzy 💕

~2.3k words | T

she’s coming off of thirty-six hours straight at the hospital when it happens.

it’s been an exceedingly long week. balancing her work on the diagnostics team along with her regular responsibilities and managing her intern would be difficult enough without the added wrench of a bus crash thrown into her day, but, of course, that’s the way life at edenbrook goes: every day has its own new bus crash, in one way or another.

regardless, there’s new injured patients to treat and old ones to check up on and high-profile cases to worry about in the interim, so she can use her strategy to save the hospital and then rub dr. ramsey’s self-righteous nose in her success (in that order).

there’s a lot going on, and not much time to sleep. there’s brief breaks, here and there -- just enough for a quick nap in the on-call rooms -- but then it’s right back to work.

and before she knows it, it’s been thirty-six hours and bryce is forcibly dragging her onto the t in her scrubs, and she’s falling asleep with her head on his shoulder and almost definitely drooling onto his jacket.

because he’s bryce, and he’s perfect, he doesn’t say anything about that. he only runs his fingers through her hair and takes her home to his blessedly quiet, roommate-less apartment, where the pizza delivery’s been timed so perfectly that the driver is actually coming up in the elevator at the same time they are.

casey’s so grateful she could cry. instead, she waits until her mouth is half-full with her third slice to look over at her boyfriend with wide, appreciative eyes and groan, “god, you’re wonderful.”

bryce laughs at her. “please. i’m just glad i found you before you actually collapsed in ramsey’s office.”

she nods, finally chewing and swallowing the bite she’d paused to sing his praises. “i am going to sleep -- all day tomorrow.” her head is throbbing. it’s a massive effort just to remember what day it is, but there’s one thing sticking out to her, a fuzzy memory from when they’d compared schedules last weekend. “wait. you have to work?”

he sighs, dusting off his hands. “yeah.” bryce pulls a face as if to imply that it’s the single worst thing that’s ever happened to him. “sorry, babe. wish i could kick it here with you.”

“it’s okay.” a wide yawn stretches her mouth open. “you don’t mind if i stay here?”

“nah.” bryce’s smile is easygoing and a little excited. “stay as long as you want. knowing you’re here will make my day go by faster.”

maybe, she thinks deliriously, her limbs feeling even heavier now that she’s eaten than they had on their commute home, she can do something nice for him tomorrow. make dinner, or something -- after she’s slept.

casey blinks, realizing all at once that she’s completely zoned out again. “what? sorry. i’m just --”

“i know.” there’s a fondness in his voice and a softness in his eyes when he stands and pulls her to her feet, tugging her in so she can lean against him. she does so immediately, burrowing into the warmth of his chest. “come on. let’s get you to bed.”

she isn’t sure exactly how it happens, but when she yawns at him next, it’s from the lush safety of his mattress and the blankets on his bed; casey cuddles into the pillows and blinks sleepily up at him, waiting for bryce to join her. the only thing in the world that could make going to sleep now, at eight o’clock with a day off ahead of her, is having her boyfriend’s body heat beside her to soak up.

but bryce laughs at her again, shaking his head. “i gotta put the food away. i’ll be in in a minute.”

“fine,” casey mumbles. the word breaks with another yawn halfway through. her eyelids are already fluttering. “just -- hurry up.”

“of course.” she feels the brush of his lips against her forehead, and then her mouth, bryce’s kiss so gentle it’s almost not there. his fingers slip through her hair again.

the sound she makes is somewhere between a delighted groan and a sigh of pure content. she isn’t sure she’s ever been so comfortable in her life; bryce’s bed is warm and cozy and the sheets are clean -- they smell like him, and so does the shirt she’s wearing. her whole body is heavy with exhaustion and the satisfaction of the work she’s done. she feels cared for. she’s happy.

just before everything goes dark, somewhere, in the space she’s floating in between sleep and wakefulness, she hears bryce’s voice -- one last hesitant murmur of her name. it’s only on the very edge of her conscious, but she’s positive the words he says are, “i love you, casey.”

the apartment is predictably silent when she wakes up.

there’s nothing like the peacefulness that comes from waking up in an empty apartment. with so many roommates, it isn’t something that casey’s accustomed to, and she relishes it now, soaking up the stillness of bryce’s bedroom joyfully.

there’s birds chirping outside. she turns her face into the pillows and breathes in slowly, burrowing a little further into the sheets.

there’s nothing on the horizon, for today -- no work, no chores, no responsibilities. it’s the perfect way to start her day, if only her boyfriend was in bed beside her.

speaking of. casey reaches her hand out, fumbling blindly on the nightstand until it closes around her cellphone. she finally blinks her eyes open when she pulls the device under the sheets with her, balking at the time displayed on the home screen.

it’s past two-thirty in the afternoon.

she blinks, knuckling sleep out of her eyes. she really had been exhausted.

there’s a slew of text messages waiting for her, mostly from her roommates. the group chat is abuzz with wondering where she is and if she’s alive; casey holds off on answering them in favor of navigating to her thread with bryce, where he’s texted good morning beautiful and text me when you wake up. getting out of bed this morning was impossible with you in it

her teeth bite at her bottom lip to stifle the smile that’s threatening. eight months of being official with bryce and it still never gets old, to be on the receiving end of those cheesy, over-the-top compliments. no boyfriend of hers before him had ever sent a good morning text message.

hiiiiiiiiii she writes back, spreading out in his bed, just woke up. hope today’s going well for you. can’t wait to get you back in this bed with me

his reply is almost immediate. fuck you, it says, making her grin up at the ceiling, i’m about to go into surgery. you’re evil

casey settles for an onslaught of heart emojis, as she rolls out of said bed and heads for the kitchen. as expected, there’s no food in bryce’s fridge, but there is coffee, and she takes her time enjoying it and flipping through the channels on bryce’s tv -- they don’t have cable, at her place -- before finally making her way into the shower.

she’s in the middle of shampooing her hair when she remembers what happened last night. it comes back to her abruptly, the memory too vivid to be true. bryce’s lips, brushing against hers -- his hands pulling the comforter up to her shoulders -- and then...

i love you, casey.

she frowns, tipping her head back under the water to rinse her hair.

that has to have been a dream, right?

she’d remember it, if it were real. she’d’ve said something to him, last night, or... today. he’d’ve said something about it.

right?

casey marinates on it for the entirety of her shower, waffling back and forth. it both feels like a dream and not, making it difficult to ascertain what really happened. she was exhausted last night -- she barely remembers leaving the hospital, after all. but if bryce had really said... for the first time...

she’d have to remember that, wouldn’t she?

she thinks about it when she gets dressed and heads to the store to find something passable she can make for dinner (though it’s definitely going to be pasta, again). last night was a blur; her memory of everything that happened after bryce found her in the on-call room is in bits and pieces. there’s only the vague outline of their evening flashing in her mind: sleeping on him on the t, eating pizza shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch, stumbling into his bedroom and falling into bed...

and then the same bit she can’t stop thinking about, as clear as day -- his kiss, and the soft, hesitant sound of his voice when he’d said those three words and that reverent utterance of her name.

it plays in her head on a loop in the check-out line. it has to have been a dream, that’s the only explanation for it.

he wouldn’t -- they don’t -- because he’s not...

...except that he might be.

he might be, because she’s pretty sure that she is, and -- if he felt the same way, that would be... life-changing. exceptional. pretty much the greatest thing to ever happen to her, outside of her professional accomplishments.

because bryce is pretty much the greatest thing to ever happen to her. he is everything she’s ever wanted and didn’t know she was looking for -- completely different from her usual ‘type’ in the best way. bryce is smart and thoughtful and funny and witty and devastatingly sexy -- complex and considerate and an amazing listener and a world-class shoulder massager...

someone so easy to fall in love with she hadn’t even realized it was happening until it was too late.

so her stupid, useless brain had probably imagined that he’d said it first to give her something pleasant to dream about. casey glares bitterly at the tomatoes she’s blistering when the realization washes over her.

and that’s how bryce finds her: in the kitchen, stirring spaghetti in sweats she stole out of his closet, her long hair still drying where it’s damp on her shoulders. he’s loud when he crowds in behind her at the stove, talking a mile a minute about his day, how good it smells in the apartment and how much he missed her, all at once.

he buries his face in the crook of her neck and inhales, pressing his lips lightly against the side of her throat. “you sleep okay?”

casey relaxes despite herself and her annoyance, melting a little against his chest. she nods. “yeah. thanks for taking care of me last night.”

bryce’s hands are warm when they slip under the hem of her (his) hoodie. his hands fan out over her hips. “of course,” he murmurs, nuzzling his nose at the base of her neck, “anything for you, babe.”

maybe he had said it.

she thinks about it some more as she spoons pasta into two plates and they tumble back onto the couch together. the words bounce around in her brain while he slurps spaghetti beside her, interspersed with more compliments: how good dinner is, how thoughtful she is, how multi-talented she manages to be.

well, there’s only one way to find out.

casey lets him clear the plates away and load the dishwasher because she cooked, and it’s only fair, and waits until he’s back on the couch with her with that inviting space at his side wide open.

then, she slips into it, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning against him. bryce’s arm curls around her shoulders in turn, and his lips press a delicate kiss to the top of her head.

“i love you,” casey sighs. the words leave her lips so easily she’s hardly able to believe that there was once a point in time where she felt nervous to be the first to say so.

it’s true, after all. she’s not sure if she’s ever been in love, before -- she thought she had, but it wasn’t like this (nothing could ever be like this) -- but she’s positive about bryce. with her life constantly in flux, filled with so much chaos, being with bryce is the one thing she feels like she’s actually gotten right.

his hand stills from where he’d been rubbing her shoulder, hesitating for just a moment. then, he says, “i love you, too.”

casey turns her cheek to look up at him, her eyes wide. “really?”

the laugh he gives is low and fond, sending a thrill of happiness straight down her spine and to her toes. “how could i not?”

“so... you did say that last night. i thought it was a dream.” the swarm of butterflies in her stomach beat their wings harder at the very idea.

bryce makes a noncommittal hum into her hair. “i wasn’t sure if you heard me. i meant it, though. i love you, case.”

casey opens her mouth to crack a joke, but her throat feels suspiciously tight. how emotional she is catches her completely off guard, surprising her silent.

so -- she’s loved. by probably the most perfect man on the east coast, if not in the entire united states of america. or the world.

weird. part of her had thought something like this might never happen for her.

“i...” she trails off, shaking her head. it’s overwhelming, just how happy she is. her arms press bryce a little closer, pulling him to her a little tighter. “um, thank you.”

he laughs again, sounding taken aback. “for what?”

“for loving me,” casey answers, as though it should be obvious.

she can feel bryce’s shrug against her side; the movement jostles her against him, a little -- but then he squeezes her back, crushing her into the broad planes of his chest.

“it’s easy,” he promises, and though he’s the first person to ever say so, she believes him.

#open heart #bryce lahela #casey valentine #bryce lahela x mc #bryce lahela x casey valentine #bryce x casey #bryce x mc #myfic #long post #ty again for sending this request anon i loved it a lot 💕💕 hope you like the fic !!#choicesseptemberchallenge #choicesseptemberchallenge20

118 notes · View notes

badfey · 4 years

Note

is there anything u wish u had known pre-top surgery? I’m trying to schedule mine next yr and I’m worried I rushed into picking my surgeon even tho I looked at a Lot. I’ve got a list of questions to ask but curious if there’s anything you can think of! Thanks, if u get a chance to reply 🥺

firstly congrats and good luck with your top surgery, i hope the wait goes quickly!!

There were a lot of things i wasn’t expecting about top surgery - not necessarily that i wish i’d known in advance, just that i didn’t anticipate. I wrote a document of them not long after surgery which ill post soon and link back to here :) right now ill go through the main stuff i wish i had known, and any questions i had (under a cut because it got long)

Stuff I Wish I’d Known

Some of this depends on how your surgeon does things. I had 6 days before my post-op appointment w chest reveal.

That first week is tough. Ymmv, but for me it was really hard. I knew that post-op depression was a thing, i didn’t realise what it would feel like. For me it was a lot of being tired and not being able to sleep because of not being able to get comfortable (having to sleep elevated for a few days & pain), so getting more tired and bored but too fatigued to do anything in that classic frustrating cycle. Once i slept decently for the first time i felt human again (nytol is a lifesaver). It’s also tough bc ur sweaty n uncomfortable and u haven’t showered or taken off the post-op binder for a week, and with the dressings and swelling it doesn’t feel like its really happened yet? After chest reveal thats a lot easier

Sometimes moving around you’ll feel something like pull or pop and you get so so paranoid about pulling a stitch i seriously thought id pulled a stitch but its usually like the dressings adhesion or something, you don’t need to freak out. My best friend here was this uk trans fb group because i could search and find years of posts with ppl having the same problems, or ask and ppl would give advice and calm me down, so it’s good to join a community like that ready for if you inevitably get stressed about something (also good for post-op boredom)

You cant use your arms to move. Sounds obvious but like i never realised how much i reflexively rely on using arms to move sitting positions on a bed, and how you need to pay attention to override that impulse.

Peeing after anesthetic is weirdly hard. It really helps if you practise consciously releasing the specific muscles to pee beforehand

I was so hungry. I got fed sure (great food too) but i wish i had taken snacks.

Questions to ask

Im gonna list some stuff that you may already know/have on your list but it might help fill any gaps :)

When are your post-ops? Are they included in the surgery price? Mine were at 6 days (chest reveal) and 8 weeks (normally 6 weeks but my surgeon was on holiday lol) and both included in the price of surgery (which is standard for here i think). Its good to have rough timeframes in advance so you can plan around it.

Ask about revisions - are they included in the price, what is the timeframe you can get revisions for, how you would start the revision process if you need it? Hopefully you won’t need it but its important to know just in case & so you don’t need to worry about it. I think my surgeon got a bit touchy when I brought up revisions but i was just clear that if I’m getting this surgery and paying a lot of money for it i need to know this stuff in advance which as a professional he should be fine with.

Can you have a say in scar shape and/or nipple size? Usually you can, and this is often at the pre-op when they draw all over your chest before surgery. Don’t feel like you can't weigh in - this is your chest. Also even at consultation they might be able to give you an idea of what your scar/s will look like.

If you’re getting nipple grafts, ask about their graft success rate!! I was super stressed about my nipples falling off, but my surgeon said that even though stats say about 10% of nipple grafts r unsuccessful, in practise he sees a much smaller percentage than that, and even ones that do reject often grow back (lmk if u wanna know more what i mean) or can just be easily touched up with tattooing. Also if theres anything they recommend for graft success.

Does your surgeon recommend using arnica? Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, swelling, and wound healing. There’s differing views on whether it actually works, but in my case i took arnica tablets 1 week before and 2 weeks post-op and i think it really helped. They also tasted nice. Some people use arnica gel to aid healing once you can start massaging.

Where will you be for overnight recovery? Will you be on a ward or in a room? Do you have access to a TV? Do you have access to a plug socket or charging point? Do you get wifi? Chances are you’ll be bored at some point over the time you’re in there, especially if you struggle sleeping. It’s good to know whats available in advance so you can come with things to keep you entertained.

Does your surgeon use drains? You probably already know/have an idea of this bc its something a lot of ppl consider when choosing surgeons, buts its good to know if you don’t. Also, it can change - I chose my surgeon partially because he only uses overnight drains so you don’t have to deal with them in recovery. When i was there i found out he has stopped using drains altogether for smaller guys so i never actually had them (pleasant surprise).

Does your surgeon want you to wear a post-op binder? Do they supply the binder? Post-op binders r a good idea they stop swelling soo much, so even if your surgeon doesn’t recommend it i’d definitely ask if it’d be safe for you to wear one. You can't wear regular binders. If you’re sourcing your own, again trans groups r great bc they can give local recs and lots of people sell/pass on their old ones. I am happy to give anyone recs, but they’re all uk based.

How will you communicate with nurses post-op? Most people don’t live too near their top surgeon, so you’ll probably check-up remotely. I just sent nurses emails of my nips and incisions and anything i was worried about the healing of and they’d let me know if it looked okay.

If you have any conditions/disabilities/illnesses, ask if they’ve ever operated on someone with them/similar before. I have fibro + hypermobility and tbh it was reassuring to hear him talk about experiences other patients with chronic pain had had before and how they coped.

Okay sorry that was really long, but its pretty much everything i could think of question wise! I hope it helps! Let me know if there’s any other questions you have at all :)

#asks #anon #trans stuff #top surgery #top surgery advice #DI top surgery #double incision #transition advice #ok to rb #Anonymous

95 notes · View notes

kayliemusing · 3 years

Text

1: Name - Kaylie

2: Age - 23

3: 3 Fears - Spiders, failure, loss

4: 3 things I love - Reading, writing, Taylor Swift

5: 4 turns on - Kindness, nice hands, humor, someone who has a really warm heart.

6: 4 turns off - Arrogance, moustaches lmao, narcissism, basket ball shorts *shudders*

7: My best friend - Her name is Megan (but also my mom lmao)

8: Sexual orientation - Heterosexual

9: My best first date - I have never been on a date.

10: How tall am I - 5'2

11: What do I miss - My childhood mostly

12: What time were I born - 2:45 pm

13: Favorite color - Red, but sometimes a nice summery, pastel yellow

14: Do I have a crush - no

15: Favorite quote - I have so many that I can't say my utmost favourite, but one that I always think about is from Richard Siken "He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand." I'm not even sure how this is supposed to be interpreted, but I just love the detail of this. Of someone looking at the moon and pointing at it, but you're looking at their hand because you're that consumed by them and also they're like your moon. anyway-

16: Favorite place - My house lol

17: Favorite food - Cheesecake

18: Do I use sarcasm - Yes, but very dryly

19: What am I listening to right now - Nothing actually. I'm just sitting in the quiet.

20: First thing I notice in new person - I used to think it was physical, like eyes or their smile, but I think it's actually their demeanor. i.e., confidence, if they're laid back, talkative or quiet, etc. Or even just how they handle things. Like when I'm at work and I meet a new co-worker I'm always noticing how they are with people.

21: Shoe size - 6.5 US but I can manage a 7 US too.

22: Eye color - Grey

23: Hair color - Ashy blonde, but I usually get it highlighted to be a brighter blonde

24: Favorite style of clothing - I'm super into the French girl vibe right now (elegany, classy, ribbed sweaters tucked into high waisted jeans or dress pants, a blazer thrown over and a nice gold necklace) but I'm also really into a summery boho look (flowy maxi dresses and skirts)

25: Ever done a prank call? No

27: Meaning behind my URL - On this account, it's just my name and then 'muses' because this account is just me talking to myself tbh. My main account is called autumnsletters which is just a combo of my fav things: autumn and handwritten love letters, and finally, my embarrassing taylor swift account is called sixteenavenue which is a lyric from her song I Think He Knows where she mentions her heart skipping down sixteenth avenue.

28: Favorite movie - I feel like i don't have one answer bc I always have a different answer to this question lmao. I think it's called A Christmas Carol (the 2009 version w/ Jim Carrey). It just makes me feel cozy and warm inside. Also: Clueless.

29: Favorite song - All Too Well by Taylor Swift I think.

30: Favorite band - Of Monsters and Men

31: How I feel right now - I actually feel really happy today, which is a change lol. I had an awful week last week, but over the last couple of days I've just felt more creative and happier.

32: Someone I love - My mom

33: My current relationship status - Single

34: My relationship with my parents - Excellent.

35: Favorite holiday - Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have -0 :'(

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - I want to get my ears pierced again bc the holes grew over. Low key want a nose piericing and low key want a tattoo on my collarbone (or somewhere around there)

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Because everyone else had it and I felt left out LOL

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - I don't have an ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - No i've never been kissed rip

42: When did I last hold hands? - never but it's ok bc i can hold my own hand

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depending on what I'm doing. If I showered the night before and I'm just doing a very low-maintenance look, roughly 15-20 mins. On a normal day in which I shower in the morning and am trying to actually be presentable, roughly an hour.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - Have YOU shaved MY legs? No. Have I shaved my own? Yes

45: Where am I right now? - My room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - Most likely I'm not drunk, but IF I WAS, it would be my friend, my mom, or my sister (my sister would probs make fun of me and film me tho tbh)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - Loud if I'm jamming with nothing else to do but sing along. If I'm trying to do something, I'll turn it down bc I can't focus with loud music (especially if I'm trying to write something/talk to someone/text someone)

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - My mom bc my dads dead

49: Am I excited for anything? - My sister and I are going to Banff in about three weeks so I'm excited for a getaway.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - No

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I work in retail so

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I don't know. I think I hugged my mom at some point this week lol

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - Bye bye babyyyy

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - my cat

55: What is something I disliked about today? - I had to go to work

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - Taylor Alison Swift baby

57: What do I think about most? - Probably Taylor Swift.

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I can make stomach gurgling noises with my mouth closed.

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - Nah, pretty generic ones

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Behind the camera

61: What was the last lie I told? - Some lady asked if a product was good and I said yes so I wouldn't have to help her find another one

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Neither what the hell

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - Neither

64: Do I believe in magic? - No

65: Do I believe in luck? - No

66: What's the weather like right now? - It's calm, but a little cloudy. It was really warm and sunny earlier, but it's gotten a little grey.

67: What was the last book I've read? - I just finished this series called The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski and it was so good but so stressful omg. Still 5/5 stars.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Yes

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Not really, but sometimes my coworkers call my Kayls

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - Oh my god when I was like 10 I fell during grounders and the bar hit me right on the cooch. Most painful event of my entire life.

71: Do I spend money or save it? - Spend it bitch

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - No

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes!! my blanket!!

74: Favorite animal? - I love hippos and I don't know why.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - Reading on my phone to avoid sleeping so I could prolong not going to work

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Devil. Kind of like Satan The Devil is his full name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - Shake It Off

78: How can you win my heart? - Learning Taylor Swift's entire discography for my sake

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - tbh I really don't know

80: What is my favorite word? - Wonderstruck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - n/a

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stream fearless taylor's version

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - Healing

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - N/A

86: What is my current desktop picture? - it's a misty forest

87: Had sex? - no

88: Bought condoms? - no

89: Gotten pregnant? - no

90: Failed a class? - yes

91: Kissed a boy? - no

92: Kissed a girl? - no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - no but it's a dream

94: Had a job? - I've had two so far

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose so I can make my mom pay for something lmao (chill i'm talking something small like candy)

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - no

97: Had sex in public? - no

98: Played on a sports team? - no

99: Smoked weed? - no

100: Did drugs? - no

101: Smoked cigarettes? - no

102: Drank alcohol? - yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - no

104: Been overweight? - I feel overweight, but technically no

105: Been underweight? - No

106: Been to a wedding? - Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - Yes, but not since I was younger. I'm mostly on my phone now.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - Oh yeah lmao

109: Been outside my home country? - No

110: Gotten my heart broken? - Yes

111: Been to a professional sports game? - No

112: Broken a bone? - No

113: Cut myself? - Yes

114: Been to prom? - Sort of. I'm Canadian so I had grad.

115: Been in airplane? - No

116: Fly by helicopter? - No

117: What concerts have I been to? - Jonas Brothers when I was about 10 lmao and Marianas Trench when I was 15

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - No

119: Learned another language? - Tried to

120: Wore make up? - Yes. I do work at a makeup store.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - no

122: Had oral sex? - no

123: Dyed my hair? - not a funky color, no

124: Voted in a presidential election? - Sort of; I voted for a prime minister

125: Rode in an ambulance? - Yes

126: Had a surgery? - No

127: Met someone famous? - No

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - No

129: Peed outside? - No

130: Been fishing? - No

131: Helped with charity? - Yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? - No bc I never fessed up to any crush lol

133: Broken a mirror? - No

134: What do I want for birthday? - A jewelry box

#survey

3 notes · View notes

vaguelyprophetic · 4 years

Text

top surgery experience

so i’m officially one week post-top surgery and i figured it might be helpful for some people if i shared my experience so! here we go!

i got top surgery with a surgeon in michigan (feel free to DM me if you want to know specifics, i just don’t feel comfortable putting that info out publicly). she was absolutely incredible and even though she doesn’t have a lot of results posted online, she showed me some of her past results and they all came out really well. if anyone is in michigan (or out of state, even, if you’re able to travel and if your insurance will cover it) and looking for a surgeon i would definitely recommend her.

consultation: i had a consultation back in march where i got to meet the surgeon, talk about which surgery i wanted/was a candidate for, and how to get in contact with a therapist to write a letter for my insurance. i loved my surgeon from the very first moment i met her. she was energetic and super helpful and answered all of our questions thoroughly. i was technically a candidate for peri, but i decided to go with double incision because i liked the results better and it gives you the most control over how your chest ends up looking

getting approval for surgery: my insurance required one letter from a therapist in order to cover surgery, so i scheduled a few appointments with a therapist that my surgeon had worked with before. it only took 2 or 3 sessions before my therapist had the letter ready, and scheduling surgery happened very soon after that. i managed to get in really quickly for my surgery (about one month after i got my letter approved), but i’m pretty sure that i just got lucky that we were able to move that quickly

pre-op appointment: not much to say about this. we met with my surgeon’s PA and went back over consent forms and what surgery would look like, some of the restrictions during recovery, etc. the PA was just as kind and helpful as the surgeon (the whole staff was) and the appointment was super quick and easy.

day of surgery: my surgery wasn’t until the afternoon, so i was able to sleep in a little later. instead i woke up super early from anxiety and played animal crossing for a while lol. i changed my sheets, took a shower with the special soap they gave me, and packed a backpack with an extra change of clothes, my phone charger, my toothbrush, and a zip-up hoodie to wear home. checking in at the hospital was a little weird because of all of the covid restrictions and guidelines, but it wasn’t difficult. i was a little anxious just generally, but the staff was all great and helped me stay calm

surgery: went in to prep for surgery with one of the nurses. put on a gown and special hospital socks. had to pee in a cup to prove i wasn’t pregnant (even though i was 102% sure i wasn’t). they set up my iv and the nurse, the surgeon, and the anesthesiologist all came by to talk to me for a few minutes. the anesthesiologist did the nerve block on my sides to help control pain. eventually they gave me some oxygen and rolled me into the OR, then knocked me out. last thing i remember is being in the OR and one of the nurses or the anesthesiologist talking to me, then i fell asleep and woke up in recovery. my surgery was scheduled for about 5.5 hours, but i was done in a shorter time than that because i’m pretty slim and the surgeon was able to work faster.

post-op: woke up in the recovery room INCREDIBLY tired. don’t remember a lot from the first night, just that was super exhausted and didn’t feel great. i was only supposed to spend one night at the hospital, but i ended up spending 2 nights because i still felt super nauseous and dizzy and the doctors didn’t want to send me home like that. spent most of the time sleeping or attempting to eat crackers bc i had no appetite at all.

recovery: honestly recovery has been kinda rough, especially the first few days. luckily i didn’t have a lot of pain, just discomfort and some muscle issues. i had very little appetite for the first couple days, but it started to come back about 3-4 days into recovery. i know anesthesia affects everyone differently so you might not go through that, but that was my experience. (this was my first time getting major surgery and going under anesthesia. turns out i do not react well to it).

i did have some minor complications—i developed a hematoma (a pocket of fluid under the skin) and had some extra bleeding around my drain site. and not really a complication but i have a LOT of bruising especially on my right side where the hematoma is. it’s not really painful, just kinda frustrating and disappointing that after waiting so long and spending so much money, it’s still not completely right. but i keep trying to remind myself that healing is a process and eventually i’ll be fully healed and so much happier.

the drains honestly aren’t as bad as i was expecting. if blood makes you queasy then it might be rough, but they’re actually not TOO terrible. mostly just inconvenient. i’ve been on around the clock painkillers that definitely helped keep the pain to a minimum, so it was more just figuring out how to make myself as comfortable as possible.

if at all possible, you definitely want to have someone around who’s going to help you with medicine schedules, drains, and just being generally comfortable moving around and sleeping. i definitely couldn’t do any part of recovery without having someone with me to help out.

post-op appointment: had my post-op appt one day shy of being a full week out of surgery. they checked over my chest and my drains. because of the complications with draining/bleeding on my right side, they weren’t able to take that drain out, but they did take the left one out so i’m good on that side. they also took the bolsters off my nipples and everything looked as it should. i got to see both my surgeon and her resident and i felt a lot less stressed and anxious after the appointment. getting the drain out was a weird sensation but it went super quickly and i barely felt a thing. definitely one of the easiest parts of recovery so far. i did tear up a little when i finally saw my post-op chest and i’m really really happy about it.

if you want to know any more about my personal experience/any advice i have feel free to send me an ask or a message about it. it’s now weird being the one who can talk about my top surgery experience and i want to be as helpful as i can!!

#top surgery #ftm #transgender #double incision #im already one week post op it feels like it's been both 29 years and 2 days since surgery #very strange #alexander.txt

19 notes · View notes

painfog · 4 years

Note

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop #but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut #asks #long post #top surgery #fibromyalgia #is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky #medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense

26 notes · View notes

ahtohallan-calling · 4 years

Text

chapter 16 of don’t read the last page is here!

masterpost

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

“I mean, even if that is what she’s filming today,” he said to a cat recovering from minor surgery as he held out a toy for it to bat around, “it’s not a big deal. I mean, she’s an actor, right? And anyway it’s for the movie, so no one else will see it yet, and everyone will know it’s fake. So it doesn’t bother me.”

The cat stopped playing and gave him a look that said even I know that’s bullshit, buddy.

Kristoff had always been a patient person. He wondered sometimes if it had started when his parents had adopted his oldest sister, or a few years before that when he had been a ward of the state waiting to be wanted, or perhaps he had just been born this way, stoic and solid, slow to anger and quick to forgive.

The magazine display in the checkout lane was testing that right now.

She had been excited about that photoshoot with People just a couple of weeks ago. “They want me to be on the cover!” she had called to tell him on her way home from Sam’s office. “And do an article about, y’know, my rise to fame and stuff. I mean, it’s not Vogue or anything so it’s not a huge deal, but still!”

He didn’t really recognize her on the cover. They had slimmed her down for some reason, when just last week she had come home from a doctor’s visit upset because the doctor had told her he was worried about the rate at which she was losing weight when she had already been slender. “I just don’t have time to eat on set sometimes,” she had explained to Kristoff as they went through the grocery store together, both of them in sweatshirts with the hood pulled up. “And then I’m dancing all day, and then I’m stressed as fuck, and I just…”

(He’d packed her lunch every day since then and left a note in each bag. She sent him a picture one day of all of them taped up around her mirror.)

Somehow worse than that, though, was the little blurb in splashy pink letters: Anna Arendelle Rises To Fame...And Falls In Love? Find Out More On Page 36!

She’d done the interview before the Hans debacle, and when they’d asked if she had ever been in love before she had said, “Oh, absolutely. And it’s the most amazing, wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me. I’d take that over the fame any day.”

It had been romantic when she had told him about it later that night when they laid tangled in bed together. It was less romantic now knowing that it was followed up in the article with a whole paragraph about her New Year’s duet with Hans Westergaard.

Between the two of them, they had almost all of the magazines on the rack covered, most of them promising “details about their budding romance inside!” One particularly abhorrent one actually had a picture of Kristoff next to her one day sitting on a park bench; he’d had his hood on, and she’d made the mistake of keeping hers off and leaving that unmistakable red hair on display. Still, he had no idea how anyone would be stupid enough to think he was Hans, considering he had a good five inches and thirty pounds at least on the other man. Then again, the same magazine promised proof Prince William was a lizard.

He turned that one around so no one else could see it, and then picked up a Twix-- Anna’s favorite-- and threw it in the cart. On second thought, he grabbed another; he needed one, too.

---

"Damn, is that really gonna work under latex gloves?"

Kristoff jumped and slammed his laptop shut. "Jesus, didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to look over people's shoulders?"

The vet tech grinned. "Yeah. But I think when you see your favorite intern looking at engagement rings, you can make an exception. That bloodwork came back clean, by the way. We can send him home tomorrow."

"Thanks, Ryder."

The other man plopped down in the seat across from him. "Pay me back by finally telling me more about this girlfriend."

He groaned. "Why are you so invested in this?"

"I already watched all the good stuff on Netflix. Now I'm bingeing coworker drama. Casey and Paul are fucking, by the way, which is why--"

"They suddenly both started volunteering for kennel clean-up, yeah. Obvious."

"So give me something better to talk about. Like why you were seriously looking at a heart shaped stone."

"It's romantic!"

"It's cheesy. She'll hate it. Probably."

"How do you know so much about women?"

Ryder waggled his eyebrows. "I'm kind of a love expert."

"Didn't you tell me once you were perpetually single?"

"Exactly. I know exactly why to avoid all the bullshit. Stop changing the subject. What's her name?"

"Anna," Kristoff said before he could stop himself, and Ryder grinned.

---

had to talk to hans today bc we r shooting stuff together again

he was super apologetic

said it was a waiter who filmed n leaked it n that he called the company

Do you believe him?

idk

he said the bowtie thing was to match the confetti not me

i think i believe that part at least i mean why else would he have had a silver one lying around

Maybe he already had some ready no matter what color you wore.

idk i think that’s too creepy even for him

it is right?

god i can’t think about that today

He waited a long time before texting her again, keeping his focus on the puppies he was giving their first shots instead of why today was apparently the wrong day to think about just what Hans would do to capture her attention. As hard as clinicals were and as exhausting as it was, this was the work he had dreamed of doing his whole life, and the fact that it required his full attention when he most needed a distraction from the rest of the world was the cherry on top right now.

But then the puppies were vaccinated, and it was already four o’clock, and all that was left to do for the day was check on the animals who were staying in the kennels overnight, and his mind couldn’t help but wander as he went from cage to cage.

The cat stopped playing and gave him a look that said even I know that’s bullshit, buddy.

Anna had gotten home before him for once that night. She was already in the shower, and she didn’t emerge until he’d already cooked dinner and was half-considering digging in to his plate. “Oh! Hey, baby,” she said as she came into the kitchen, still only wearing her towel. “I thought I heard you in here.”

“Jesus, Anna, how hot did you have the water? You look like a lobster.”

“Nice to see you too,” she said, trying to tease, but she looked away from him instead of coming over to greet him like she always did with a kiss.

He went to her instead and stood before her, not touching her like his heart was screaming for him to do; she leaned away, just barely enough to confirm his suspicions.

“You had to do a kissing scene today, didn’t you?”

She only nodded.

“It wasn’t really you guys,” he said softly. “Just your characters. Did he-- did he try anything?”

“No, not at all. He was a perfect gentleman, and it went just fine, and after he made sure I wasn’t bothered since he knew I was kind of upset about all the hubbub but...I don’t know, Kris. I don’t know what’s acting for him and what isn’t.”

A tear slid down her cheek and spattered on the floor. Still he didn’t touch her, waiting to let her make the first move. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

“Me too. I’m sorry I...god. I’m sorry for everything.”

“I’m not upset about it, though,” he lied. “In case you were worried.”

She stepped closer to him then, pressing her still-damp forehead against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, letting his thumb rub gentle circles over her shoulder. This is why, Kristoff, he reminded himself, this is why you can’t tell her.

“I love you,” she said, sounding so forlorn he could have sworn he felt a little crack open up in his chest.

“Love you too. More than anything.”

---

He still didn't understand exactly how to use Twitter, but he did know enough to understand that when he logged in and saw stuff about Anna before he even searched her name, something big was happening.

Exclusive new behind the scenes photos from Anastasia! Click here for more:

It already had six thousand retweets, and dozens of replies all screaming about the photo of Hans and Anna clinging to one another. They were in full costume, surrounded by cameras, and the photo was grainy, but still he couldn't help but zoom in on Anna's face, the way she gazed up so lovingly at Hans, the same way she used to look at him before she started running so low on time. Now it seemed he only ever saw her when she was asleep or halfway there.

"Didn't take you for a Disney fan, Bjorgman," Ryder said from behind him.

"Not Disney. It's Fox," he muttered, knowing it was useless to rebuke him for peeking yet again.

"My sister works on that set," Ryder said proudly. "She does Anna Arendelle's hair and makeup."

"...Honeymaren is your sister?"

"...what the fuck? I thought I was the nosy one. How the hell do you-- oh my god, is that your Anna? The one you’ve known since high school and you live with and--”

Kristoff stood up suddenly, his chair screeching with the movement. “You can’t tell anyone,” he said, his voice unnaturally harsh. “I’m serious.”

For once, Ryder looked serious. “Jesus, man, no need to go all ‘I’m six-foot-four on me’. We’re friends. I wouldn’t fuck you over like that.”

His heart was pounding. He could trust Ryder-- he wanted to, at least, but it had been a secret for so long, and already even without other people knowing his life had been upended, and if it got any worse he might have to--

“Kristoff. Seriously, man, I’ll forget you said anything.”

Ryder looked wounded somehow as he turned and left. Feeling guilty, Kristoff called after him, “Wait, it’s just--”

Ryder glanced back over his shoulder. “We’ve all got our shit. I’m here to talk if you need.”

He walked away, and Kristoff found himself standing alone in a room silent except for the buzzing of the fluorescent lights and his own breath, harsh and heavy in his chest.

---

Sweat poured down his back as he ran harder than he ever had before, his legs pumping like he was desperately trying to get somewhere that remained forever just out of his grasp.

He had woken up that morning to an empty bed and a post-it on the fridge with an apology. Meeting with Sam before filming, completely forgot. So sorry xo

She hadn’t even remembered to grab her lunch from the fridge. She probably had forgone breakfast too, and they were in the thick of filming now, doing the huge dance scenes that seemed to take all day and half the night and left her so exhausted sometimes he had to help her undress.

Last night had been one of those nights, and the night before, and this night would be the same, and his lungs were burning, and he’d already gone five miles, sprinting the whole way, and by the end of the day he would be too sore to move, but he still didn’t know what the hell to do and so he just kept running.

---

He was covering the front desk today for the receptionist, whose daughter had just had a baby; normally he wouldn’t have volunteered for something like this, would have wanted to stay doing what he knew best and getting as much experience working with the animals as he could, but as much as he hated talking on the phone to people, he knew he was likely to do more harm than help in the back of the clinic today.

Mercifully, the phones hadn’t been busy so far that morning. He stared, distantly curious, at his hand as it rested on the mousepad, trembling as if he wasn’t sitting perfectly still in a room that was by all standards a little over warm.

A styrofoam cup filled with shitty breakroom coffee appeared just in front of his fingers. “We’ve been taking bets on how long you’ll last out here without falling asleep,” Ryder informed him. “I said another hour, but it was looking iffy for a second there, so I brought you this.”

“Thanks, man.”

He ignored the cup and went back to watching his hand. He didn’t know a lack of sleep could do this. He’d have to keep that in mind next time he was scheduled for a surgery the next morning, would have to find some way to fall asleep in spite of his own mind.

“I, uh, I told my sister I know you. And that I know about it. If that’s okay, I mean,” Ryder said hurriedly. “She’d told me before about hanging out with Anna, and so I just kinda put two and two together and assumed she knew.”

“‘S fine. She’s known the whole time.”

“I, uh, I asked her if she knew why it was a secret. I could have asked you, I know, but, uh...you know how you are with secrets. Figured if I wanted the truth--”

“Just tell me what you want to say. Please,” Kristoff said, taking a sip of the lukewarm coffee in the futile hope it would help.

“Just...that it sucks. Especially with this shit with them saying she’s dating Hans Westergaard. Wish I could tell you ‘I get it’ or something. But I don’t, so I, uh, just...yeah. But I hope the, y’know, engagement ring thing that I saw you looking at that one time...I hope it works out.”

Kristoff ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah. Me, too.”

---

“They seriously won’t just let you call in sick?”

“I mean, I could, but at this point, I’m in all the scenes that are left, and I can’t just halt production for a whole day just because I’m sore, especially when we’re going to Russia in two weeks, and they’re all depending on me, and I can’t just--”

“You sprained your wrist,” he said flatly. “This is more than just being sore.”

“I know, but we already filmed one scene with it, I got Honeymaren to put some foundation on it so you can’t see the--”

“Anna,” he said, his voice so strained she finally went quiet.

He grabbed one of her makeup wipes off the bathroom counter and came back to where she was perched on the edge of the bed. He took the injured wrist in his hand as carefully as he could and started gently dabbing at the nearly-invisible lines of makeup. She winced, and that crack in his chest widened a little more, deepening further as the green and brown smudges faded into view.

“Jesus,” he muttered, and her fingers curled into a fist as she tried to pull away, embarrassed. “Anna, no, I just-- how did you manage this?”

“There was this stunt with the train scene, and nobody else was going to have a stunt person do it, and so I...I wanted to try and see if I could do it, but I just...I don’t know, Kris, I just fucked it up, I guess.”

He bit back everything he wanted to say; what good what it do, anyway, when everybody else seemed to be encouraging her to push herself this way? Instead, he leaned down and pressed a featherlight kiss to her palm. “Let me get something to put on it.”

When he came back a few minutes later with a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a towel, she had already curled up on her side and fallen asleep, still fully dressed. He sat beside her, lifting her head onto his lap. She still didn’t wake up, and so he carefully raised her injured wrist, holding it gently as he could as he pressed the makeshift cold compress against it.

He stayed holding her that way, for a long, long time, until the peas had thawed, and then he went to the kitchen and threw them out and leaned over the sink and splashed cold water onto his face, wondering how much one person could bear.

---

Mid-February had finally rolled around with all its gray skies and sappy pink storefront displays. She was leaving in thirty-six hours, and he hadn’t seen her since the night before, because he’d gotten up two hours earlier than normal to come in early so he could leave early and take her out on the date they’d been planning since even before New Year’s, the one to make up for her being gone for the next three weeks and missing their first Valentine’s together.

It wasn’t that he gave a single fuck about the holiday; it was that she did, and so he’d put his heart into planning it all out: they were going to drive outside of the city limits, just enough that anyone who saw them might do a double take but still keep walking, but not so far that they would get back home too late for anything else. He’d found a diner just like one they used to hang out at in high school, one where they could order a giant strawberry milkshake to dip their fries into and spend all the quarters they could find in her car on playing cheesy old love songs from the sixties, one where if they got lucky they could risk holding hands under the table without anyone seeing.

He was already half-dressed after showering off the day’s stress, expecting her to come through the door any minute, when his phone buzzed.

i’m so sorry

He was half-tempted to throw the phone out the window. Maybe if he didn’t read the rest of the message it wouldn’t come true.

He looked again anyway, that now-familiar crack in his chest widening into a full-blown chasm.

i’m so sorry, something happened with the plane tickets and then the schedules changed and so they want us to have a meeting

hans said we can do it at his place (🤮) since we’re all tired of the set

but at least that’s towards where you said we were gonna go

i’m so so sorry kris can you pick me up from here? ill just ride over with him i guess so i can leave my car here

He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, putting the phone aside to bury his face in his hands. How the fuck had they gotten here? This wasn’t supposed to happen; they were supposed to move in together, and it would all be fixed, and he’d see her enough, and it was all going to be fine, but it hadn’t been fine for so long he was starting to wonder whether it would be again.

His hand, his arm, his whole body felt like it had been filled with lead when he picked up the phone to respond. Of course, baby. Just call me when it’s over.

He finished getting dressed and went to sit on the sofa; figuring at least he could turn on the TV and find some stupid show to drown out his thoughts. His eyes flicked down to the Netflix button on the remote; what the hell, he thought, you already feel like shit, might as well see her during it.

He put her movie on, the stupid Christmas one he’d helped her run lines for, and watched her-but-not live through a dreamy, whirlwind romance, even almost smiled at the scene they had read together on his living room floor all those months ago; he closed his eyes for the kiss at the end, even though he’d seen the movie before with Sven when it first came out, he didn’t know if he could take watching it right now.

He kept watching while the credits rolled, jealous of all the people whose names scrolled by for every second they got to spend with her, not knowing how he coveted her time. It was getting dark; he glanced at his phone, expecting to see that he’d missed something from her, but there was nothing.

He went to the kitchen and cracked open a beer; he wasn’t normally one to drink when he got like this, but tonight-- tonight something felt different, like the air was suddenly running out of oxygen, like the walls of this house they had thought would be full of so much happiness were closing in on him.

He finished it; still nothing. It was late enough now she’d be too hungry to wait through the drive up. Fine; they’d get McDonald’s, or order a pizza, or he’d cook pancakes for her-- he didn’t care, he just wanted to fucking see her before she left, just wanted to be with her and no one else and pretend that it could be that way all the time.

He cracked open another beer. Another hour passed, and the frustration that had been pooling in his gut had started to ferment into worry. She was never quiet this long; something had to have happened, something had to be wrong.

His jaw was clenched; he released it, thinking it would lighten some of the tension coiled tight in every part of him, but it didn’t. He felt hot and cold and too big and too small all at once, a bundle of aching and anxiety bouncing around the prison of his own skull while he waited to hear something, anything.

Suddenly he could take it no more and stormed out the front door, snatching up his keys and heading for the car. He had it started, had his hand on the gear stick to pull it into reverse when a sudden horrible thought hit him: what if she didn’t want him to pick her up? What if she wanted to spend her last nights here with everyone else, with all the other people like her, the ones who kept pushing her and and demanding so much of her, all in the pursuit of-- of whatever the fuck it was that kept her going like this.

He went back inside and sat at the kitchen table, his eyes never moving from the door.

Another half hour passed, and then suddenly it swung open and she was there, her eyes wild and her hair half-out of a ponytail. “Kris, I’m so fucking sorry,” she gasped out, and he stood, striding over to her.

“I-- I rode with Hans,” she explained, already reaching for him, “and then I got there and realized my phone was gonna die, and I didn’t have my charger with me because it was in the car, and no one else had theirs either, and then the meeting just kept fucking going on and on because everyone was asking so many questions, and then I had to borrow someone’s phone to get an Uber and it turns out that that just complicates things and I-- fuck fuck fuck I’m so sorry, I just--”

“I need to go,” he said shortly, catching the door before it could swing shut behind her and slipping out into the night without saying goodbye.

#.............oop #drtlp #my fics #thank you fericita for helping me with ryder and the ring bit haha

33 notes · View notes

sigetstopsurgery · 4 years

Text

8 days until top surgery

jesus christ thats scary. im working on a shopping list right now of stuff i’m gonna need post op. ive got vitamin c gummies to avoid sickness issues, a neck pillow (i already got a back pillow), scar tape for later on in the process, a lap desk to make it easier to use my laptop in bed and such, some face and body wipes since i cant shower, and some dry shampoo.

im gonna make a grocery run at some point soon so that i can get foods that’ll be good for me to have that i’ll be able to eat. im thinking ill also buy some like nutrition shakes because i hear its pretty common to not want to eat much for the first few days.

overall im not quite able to make this feel real to me right now. partially because it just all feels really impossible and its always felt really impossible. partially because i have a lot of other things going on right now that are more pressing and so im paying more attention to those things. and also because im so scared that the second i believe its real its gonna get taken away from me somehow.

ive got a lot of distractions lined up this week which i think is good, because there truly is such a thing as over preparing and i think ill just make myself more anxious if i do that. im thinking maybe i should get some more large shirts because a good majority of my button downs are very well fitting.

so basically, im almost a week out, im shopping, and im trying not to panic. its a good time. (though i genuinely am really excited i just cant acknowledge that bc im convinced itll go away if i do)

#daily diary #trans #transgender #queer #nonbinary #top surgery

8 notes · View notes

stayatsam · 5 years

Note

how was your recovery from top surgery? im p nervous about the aftermath honestly since ive had a terrible experience with post recovery from a past injury but i really wanna save up for it :xxx

OH!

it definitely hurt but if you take ur painkillers right and take a lot of tyelnol itll be better. just lay back in bed and eat ice cream all day and binge watch tv shows lol

you definitely need someone to take care of you like replacing your drains and feeding you bc you cant move very much!

after the first week when ur drains get taken out you feel MUCH better. that’s also when youre able to shower again so it really helps mentally too

my recovery went pretty smoothly bc i have a high pain tolerance too

after the first two months you start feeling pretty great

you also got to massage your chest a lot to help get feeling back into it and also help with swelling

it was completely worth it though my life totally changed for the better i actually like... wear normal clothes and feel good about myself in clothes

#theyll put a compression vest on you too but its not bad #sam crying #Anonymous

22 notes · View notes

my-autistic-things · 6 years

Text

Top Surgery Post Op

Hey guys so this post is old and the original bit is under the keep reading. I wanted to keep a record for myself mainly, but oh well! Today is 9-5-18. As a quick update because I didn’t give any other updates since forever ago:

-I’m still numb

-I still have swelling

-I still wear my binder, but it’s not uncomfortable anymore because there's nothing to smoosh

-My doctor said that I don’t have to wear my binder, but since there is still swelling it would be beneficial if I could continue to wear it

-I don’t wear my binder at night/at home, but when I go out I still always wear my binder just because I feel more comfortable with it on

--I feel better with my binder because 1, pressure stim! 2, I’m not flat. While I look the same as any other chubby cis guy, I’m still uncomfortable and it will take a really long time for me to get to where I am comfortable to just wear a shirt

-My incision sites have healed to just a little dark pink lines (~1/2 inch) and the drainage tube holes have healed also to dark pink dots (honestly they are way more noticeable than the actual incisions)

Ok that's it! I might remember to make another update, but probably not for a while. Below is my recovery from day 0 if anyone is interested.

I wanted to make a super extensive post, but, I didn't. Now I'm going to summarize the key points if my recovery bc I still really want to keep record of it and share a timeline of when things happen.

If you're interested in my top surgery story illustrating the whole day of surgery, here is that post!

Day 0; Thursday, day of surgery:

When I came home from the hospital I just slept. My mom woke me up to take my meds (prescription pain killer and antibiotics) and then I went right back to sleep. I couldn't roll on to my side so sleeping was pretty miserable but I pulled up pillows so I was half sitting up which helped me get comfortable. The drains were super annoying and I was trying to be super careful with my chest, but, I was fine.

Day 1; Friday:

I have no idea what time I woke up or what time I took my naps, but I basically lived off of naps (I didn't sleep longer than 4 ish hours at a time). I didn't have overwhelming pain, but I definitely has surgery. I was nervous when draining the tubes of my drains bc you have to squeese out the tubes. I was scared that I was going to just pull the whole thing out. But I didn't! I think I pulled it a little once on Sunday, but they are about 1 1/2 inches in so it didnt come out at all.

I had my first post op scheduled doctor appointment at 11:00am. I recorded my drainage amount only that first day, then my doctor said I didn't have to again. Just make sure to drain them the night before my next appointment so he can see the amount when I come in to take out the tubes.

That was my first time I got to see my chest post op. Honestly, I looked exactly the same except bruised. There was SO MUCH SWELLING that I had about the same, if not even a little more boob. My doctor assured me that on the table I was completely flat and that everything was just swollen.

I was also cleared to shower! One day post op, and I could shower!

Day 2-4; Saturday-Monday:

I was draining such a small I was so happy. I didn't need to worry about dumping the drains every 12 hours exactly and actually only did it maybe once a day.

The Vicodin pain meds, I figured out, don't work at all on me. I ended up taking the oxycodone I was prescribed by the hospital instead of the Vicodin my doctor prescribed (there was a mix up and I got 2 meds for one surgery). Still, though, the oxy didn't help that much. I mainly was taking it because it made me high to forget the pain/ache and help me just sleep my way through my recovery. I still wasn't even taking it every 4 hours like I could have. Maybe like twice a day, 3 times at the most.

I showered once on Sunday because I felt like I should. I tied a string around my neck and clipped the drains to that so they wouldn't be hanging. It was weird and awkward to shower, but completely doable and having a break from the binder made my pain decrease.

Day 5; Tuesday:

I had my second post-op appointment. I think my drains drained like 1cc of fulid each side at the most. It was so minimal and I was so proud of myself haha. My doctor took the tubes out that day and I FINALLY felt like I was healing. I felt so free oh my God it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life!

Taking the tubes out didn't hurt a single bit. Like at all. I felt 0 pain whatsoever. Again, the tubes we're about 1 1/2 inches in, and there was one stich holding them in place. I was 100% numb around my chest for the most part so I barely felt my doctor's hands as he took the tube out. I heard people say getting the drains removed are sooooo painful, but idk their type of surgery and such so maybe only with lyposuction it doesn't hurt because it kills your nerves for a while?

Day 6-7; Wednesday and Thursday;

I felt so much more comfortable without the drains on. I could move so much more freely and almost all my sharp pain went away and only the dull (ish) ache of feeling like I'd been lyposuction was left. I stopped all the oxy on Wednesday, and only had some ibruprophen Wednesday and Thursday night. After that I was pain med free.

I had a gauze bandage over the drains and I didn't want to deal with changing it so I didn't shower (from Sunday) until Thursday afternoon. I felt like I should do my doctor a favor and showever before my Friday appointment. I showered, then changed my bandage into a bandaid because the holes werent draining anymore, just open.

The hospital medical surgery tape put iver my actual incision looked like it was coming off a bit in the shower and I was worried about that, but I left it alone and let it dry good and it still stuck on like it was never wet.

When I took of my shirt to take off my binder to take a shower. Oh my God! I glanced down slightly and this GIANT purple thing caught my eye. I still had my binder on so I didn't think it could have possibly been a bruise, but it was! It was around my hip (gravity sucked stuff down there) and it was about as big as my hand. With my hand over it, it was about 1/2 an inch shorter than my hand and a little bit wider. It was huge. Purple. And quite impressive. It didn't hurt at all, though, because it was just pooled old blood that was dragged down there instead of actually the place I was hurt.

Day 7; Friday:

I went to my doctor's appointment not knowing what was going to happen next. The drains were out and I didn't think I had stiches in my incision (bc of the tape) so I didn't really know what to expect.

Apparently I did have one stich in my incision, and the tape plus the stich was taken out. I was told not even to put a bandaid on and to take the bandaid off of the drain holes too.

The tape comming off hurt to be completly honest. I'm a baby when it comes to taking off baindaids and tape. I was 90% numb in that area, but it still had that feeling of pulling off sticky stuff like I was ripping my skin off. The stich came out with 0 pain. I was so surprised how thin the thread was. It looked thinner than sewing thread and it was blue which was cute. I finally got to see how big my actual incision was, and it was about 1 inch.

Day 8-13; Saturday to Thursday:

Idk, man, there's not much to say. I'm sure if I did this post and updated day by day I'd have stuff to say, but I don't. I have a fractured/severely bruised rib from the binder being so tight. Well, it's not exactly the binder, but the binder band. It hurts a lot, but I can't do anything about it anyways.

My giant bruise is getting lighter every day and everything is just healing and improving every day.

Day 14; Friday:

That's today! Well, same as the past week. Every day there's less pain and more movement ability. I didnt have much of a limitation of movement even one day post op, but I can still feel a difference. I can comfortably raise my arms above my head now and I was able to bend over to pick stuff up without much chest pain (I got joint and muscle pain anyways so it hurts, but not specifically because of top surgery lol)

I put on my old binder yesterday because the hospital one seems so loose and oh my God! How did I survive?!?! It's so tight! Even 2 weeks post op I'm shocked with how tight of a thing I wore semi comfortably before. To be fair, it was my tighter binder, but it was still not too much tighter than my normal everyday one.

I feel not compressed in my chest and Im worried that the binder isn't squishing my chest down enough. I need to keep my chest flat and squished so when it heals everything will be flat so my skin will shrink down flat instead of being baggy and like empty boobs.

~~~~~~~~

I'll try to keep this updated especially after my next appointment on Tuesday and then when I don't have to wear the binder anymore (in 2 weeks). Plus, if anything exciting happens of course I'll add that! I'll probably edit the post and reblog it so it's all together in one piece so if you see this post reblogged its been updated under the keep reading. Lies lol

#max speaks #my top surgery #my top surgery story #top surgery #post op #post-op #recovery

9 notes · View notes

transpeterman · 7 years

Note

yes please do a hc list about peter coming out as trans

LONG POST WHOOPS LMAO

NED, MAY, BEN-Peter always gravitated toward boyish clothes and kept his hair as short as possible-he was never really adverse to ‘girly’ things and actually enjoyed playing with dolls and things like that-but the older he got the less he connected with girls his age-he really didn’t connect with anyone because they just didn’t get him-but then he met Ned in 7th grade-and he and Ned would sometimes just talk about random things while they built lego sets or while they were waiting for a movie to load-and Ned’s just like “I think I’m gay”-and Peter almost chokes on his take out because it was such a random thing but he’s kinda like “cool dude”-and later Peter’s like “so, anyone catching your eye?” and Ned did not sign up for this-Ned tells Peter about his crush on whatever boy they have gym with-but peters thinking about what Ned said -he knew gay people existed he just never thought it was relevant to him-so he looks some stuff up the next day and he reads about “bisexual” and “pansexual”-he’s not too focused on all that though because he saw “trans*” and that’s what really caught his eye-and a few months later he tells Ned that he might be trans and Ned’s just-such a good bro?-he talks to him about names and pronouns and all of Ned’s texts are like “that’s great!!” And “I’m happy for you!!” And really nice-and Ned asks if he’s told May and Ben-but Peter waits another month even though he asks for a new, much shorter haircut and some new clothes-(that he loves)-when he tells May and Ben they’re both really chill and kinda like “I knew”-and Peter’s like ??? How could you know??-but they raised this boy they both had an inkling and wanted to make sure he knew they loved him no matter what-Peter may or may not cry-like a lot because he’s so relieved-they ask if he’s going to change his name and when he tells them he’s picked Peter they think it’s great -and maybe Ben starts crying a little when Peter says his middle name is “Benjamin”—–TONY-when tony was checking peters files and records he notices the name changes from “Karen” to “Peter”-at first it seems like a mistake but a little further digging tells him there was a birth certificate change -pretty recently in fact-and Tony’s honestly pretty surprised there’s another trans superhero and immediately feels drawn to this kid-well “superhero” being used lightly since he seems to be taking down muggers and drug dealers-tony doesn’t approach the subject with Peter but he does build a binder into peters suit-one he engineered to allow the ribs to expand and lungs to reach full capacity while it is worn-he also starts putting together an account to pay for testosterone and surgery if Peter ever wants it after he comes out to tony-a few months after the whole airport fight Peter gets pretty badly injured-like 'stabbed in the side’ injured-and the suit alerts tony and when tony goes to pick him up Peter’s like “lmao no I’m good”-because he would have to take off the suit and he doesn’t have his binder with him just a sports bra and he wouldn’t want tony to see him in his binder anyway-but tony makes him come with him and he lets Peter change in the bathroom -Peter has to take off his shirt so that the surgeon can treat his wound and peters really afraid of what mr. Stark will say when he sees that Peter’s wearing a sports bra but tony just hisses at the stab wound-because it’s pretty deep and gross-and painful looking-and Peter feels another weight lifted off his shoulder-because it’s one less person who might judge him or underestimate him or misgender him—CLINT, SAM, STEVE, AND BUCKY-so Clint Sam and Bucky all got involved in a prank war-Steve was briefly involved but ducked out when someone welded his shield to bucky’s arm-that “someone” turned out to be peter -thus Peter got involved in the prank war-so like peter was staying at the compound for a few weeks while some bad dudes where being watched-and while peters showering Clint and Sam decide to take all the clothes out of Peter’s room-and they go into his drawer and they see these weird like,, tank top things-and crop top things? They almost seem like undershirts but the material is stiff-they’re confused but they don’t really think much of it-so they take baskets of peter’s clothes down to the communal area and into the kitchen-they set them down on some of the chairs and sit down to have breakfast-and Peter’s really thankful he brought his binder and a pair of boxers into the bathroom with him-he asks Friday if Tony’s awake but he literally just fell asleep so Peter’s not waking him up for this-he asks Friday to tell whichever fucker took his clothes that he’s going to web them to the ceiling if they don’t bring them up to his room-Friday responds with the very eloquent message “eat my entire ass, parker”-so Peter knows Clint is involved-and also that he’s not getting his clothes back unless he goes down to get them-so he decides “fuck it”-he also may be shaking the entire time and Friday asks if tony should be notified of a problem-but Peter just fuckin goes for it -he may not make eye contact with anyone once he’s in the kitchen and he can hear Clint and Sam snickering-but he also feels Steve and Bucky’s eyes on him-and then clint asks what he’s wearing and sam’s like “why do you have so many of those shirt things?”-and Peter’s just like “tony insisted I have one in each color”-and steve’s like “one what?”-so Peter tells them it’s a binder and that he’s scheduled for top surgery in a few months but for now he uses chest binders-and he just kinda grabs his clothes and goes to the elevator really fast because he’s definitely shaking really hard now because he didn’t want them to know yet-especially Bucky and Steve bc they’re old and he doesn’t really know how they’ll react-(he doesn’t have to worry tho, it’s not even a month later that Steve and Bucky are loudly outraged by the trans bathroom bill)-Peter doesn’t come out of his room the rest of the day and goes on patrol at night-the next day he goes down to breakfast -Clint comes in and just says “dude quit finishing the goddamn cereal”-and sam starts being dramatic like “come ON, man, you ALWAYS-”-and Peter’s just really glad to have such amazing teammates (read: friends)—BRUCE, NATASHA, THOR-so Peter never actually came out to Bruce-Bruce has had to treat Peter on multiple occasions for injuries and has actually run a few tests to see how testosterone was interacting with peters DNA-spoiler: he actually engineered a strain of testosterone that Peter now takes because it reacts better to him-he also does Peter’s t shots every once in a while because needles scare Peter a little-one time Thor walked in on Bruce injecting Peter-and Thor is like “why are you stabbing the spider child”-and Bruce tells him it’s medicine for Peter-and Thor gets concerned Bc like-peters sick?? And nobody told him?-and Peter explains that he’s trans-and Thor explains that asguard is much less structured in terms of gender and sexuality-and that Loki is genderfluid-and peter honestly loves Thor like holy shit what a chill dude-and Natasha knew after a few interactions with him -because she’s incredibly observant-Peter knew that she knew -she obviously did even though she never brought it up-Peter doesn’t know that she secretly keeps tabs on how long he binds and if he takes breaks-and she definitely doesn’t like what why would you suggest that-she never does that-ever—WANDA, VISION-so because Wanda is a telepath and Vision is an android they both knew something was up w Peter-Wanda and vision do research together and get Educated™-sometimes wanda helps people when they have nightmares-and she hears Peter having one -and she wakes him up and asks if she can give him better thoughts for when he goes back to sleep-so she ends up poking around in his mind to find the memory that caused the nightmare-she finds a memory of being trapped under a collapsed building -which is disturbing enough but she also finds the feelings of dysphoria, fear, self loathing, and more-because Peter still does have really bad days sometimes-and it’s all pretty intense so she gives him really good thoughts -and a long tight hug-like super long-peter doesn’t mind at all-he really loves his efficient team/dysfunctional family

#i can expand on any of these or maybe touch on the school aspect if anyone wants?#spiderman headcanon #spiderman homecoming #spiderman #spider-man #anon #ask #trans peter headcanons #trans spider man #trans peter #trans peter parker #trans Peter Parker headcanon #headcanon list #sm:hc #sm:h #long post #headcanon lists

3K notes · View notes

fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher · 3 years

Text

hello it is once again time for my end of the year wrap up. this should be... interesting

january

finally finally got to have a happy apartment experience!!!!! tried out tea drops which are dope. there was a fair amount of stress revolving around APO induction and the musical rehearsal, but we made it!!! partied hardy (the infamous tess in the washing machine incident) kelli was watching always sunny more often than not. i wore some arguably bad clothing but ya know. gays. we tried to take off my closet door (it did NOT work). the beginning of the goose saga! there was a sleet storm so kelli and i made some popcorn and watched mike birbiglia’s new special. darci, kelli and i went out to eat and then ended up in babcock playing air hockey before watching videos with kai who was on duty. PEP BAND???? some good memories formed there. dogs in the library! got bullied by my library boss to put gas in my car and i sent her a video of proof that i did it “daddy long legs” “stop. what?” “the musical” (i do love timothy) i actually practiced my instrument lol wild. WE (becky, celeste, timothy and i) WATCHED SPIRIT and got wildly drunk -- the origin of “[redacted] [redacted] who???” which is my favorite joke.

february

MORE PEP BAND im actually really glad i spent my last few college months dicking around with the band. one man drumline!!! kai made some good tiktoks in our apartment! miss hanging with them it was really fun. oh i hung out with sam and celeste watching movies “he was a boy, she was a dolphin, can i make it anymore [strangled dolphin noises]” OUR MICROWAVE HANDLE BROKE OFF while kelli was gone man that entire apartment was falling apart (hey dumbass grab from top) -- a list of things that were broken in our apartment: fridge light, front entry light, showerhead, phone. the birth of the beans insta!!!! got hit on when i was at taco bell with timothy by being accused of being trans (taco bell guy was not far off to be fair). oh the improv posters as compared to the posters i built for an organization fair. went out and got daRUNK at what appears to be wandas. really struggled with my period. cut hair with kelli n darci. MOZZ STICKS. “you still a lil bitch???” oh we did kpy pal-entines!!! where we ate good food and watched the princess bride!!! i received the plush goose. there was a possible bombing at the bank next door to where we rehearsed for band. aw i went on a tommy’s date with becky that was cute. they tried to STEAL the QUESO. disagreed with a curb and still have those scars. worked a horrible gig at the theatre. closing shifts at the library baby! middle school tours EW more library dogs! fish hooks song oh my god. drunk mash nights!!! i rewatched HAVEN and had lots of feelings. actually got drunk alone a lot which was Bad. however michael malloys birthday! watched choir concert at work lol. stats final whilst drunk!!!! becky got a piercing

march

here things go downhill rapidly. hit up the trains at least once. oh late library nights with timothy!!!! the best nights i miss hanging with him while at work. struggled with my car. went on a college sponsored adventure to a back alley farm. SCURVY FEARS. opening shifts that were lonely. oh celeste played plague and named it covid and won lol yikes. the infamous apartment cone. we stayed up long enough to see the sunrise on literally the last day in college I would ever have. that was good. I FOUND OUT KELLI HAD GLASSES im still pissed. came home indefinitely. went to st patty’s day at brookes with karrigan and that was SO much fun (this was before things seemed real) the best part of that was the irish pub owner who happened to have a son that went to my college. got my mom onto tik tok. took a gay lit class. can’t believe i took daily fckn walks around the pasture who was i. hosted virtual meetings for apo and played around with the closed captioning. that was fun. shaved my moms head lmaooo. worked on my capstone which im like super proud of? i wish i could have directed it but say law vee.

april

BAGPIPE CORPS INTERNATIONAL. virtual band wreaked havoc on my animals mental health. my grandmother would always bug me while i was working which i understand now was misplaced love but it was so irritating at the time. we had library meetings once a week or so that was vital to mental health. hosted a really fun “panel” about queer identity for my queer lit class that was able to educate a lot of people. having a capstone class with am*lia was a nightmare. watched a cirque du soleil show for free and lost my mind. wrote a comedic monologue that i suffered through. suffered through papers and projects. worked on a project with celeste and kelli and we had SUCH a good time. i hosted several jackbox nights for both apo and kpy. that was SUCH an exhausting experience. also uno and drawful with the uno group (kelli would win 100% of the time). ranted about group projects lol i struggled. OH THE MOVE OUT DEBACLE i really went off the deep end. kelli’s virtual birthday!!!!

may

we had so many good jackbox nights. academic showcase and honors convocation happened wherein i was name bronco award winner and that really wrecked me too lol. we had a sunday crew hang out for library workers. clarinet game night too! i tried so hard to build community during covid and im not altogether sure i accomplished it but ya know whatever. watsky broke the record! made my “aced it” grad cap which was so FUNNY and still is tbh. becky taught me how to do makeup. took grad pictures at an abandoned farmhouse lol OH MY GOSH BEAUX ARTS AND APO SKIT i was so proud of that night and annette said it was the best one we’d ever had. wish i had done more but we did it boys. also got VERY drunk for it lol completely redid my room. bc it was NASTY. the way i write papers is so SO funny to me. had our last capstones class and then dressed in grad outfits for our last lit meeting . graduated and got all my stuff from college finally. went shopping with timothy, had el puerto with becky (i think?). oh the infamous miller moths UGH shit is nasty. THE FORMING OF BANJO SHRIMPS occurred on may 24 2020 and that was the absolute best thing to come out of this year. started working at my dads agency which was the absolute worst thing to come out of this year. attended my first protest in cos which was good and healthy. started protesting regularly after that. my most poignant memory was laying down in front of city hall and chanting “i cant breathe” for 8 minutes.

june

it snowed???? i was angry. part of my job was reading my dad’s email and there was some WACKO shit in there. went to brookes for pride as a surprise which was cute n fun. had a horrible interaction with a client. the appearance of the bigfoot statue!!!! we had a vanilla beans hang out. there was a WILD storm that literally made my hide out in the office.

july

went on a bonkers rant about america bc fuck this place. helped mom out with homework. we had several clients get divorces which was messy. went to a Bad party where i was angry the whole time. went to the top of pikes peak with my grandma and saw many much bigfoot things. we got a GOOSE he hated us so much. oh there was a night where darci and kai came over and we hijacked kelli’s spotify and communicated that way it was SO funny. took a video of the dichotomy of man bc of my long ass leg hair and short ass head hair. shaved my head to the BONE and tried dragon fruit. GOT NIKO ON JULY 24 my sweet sweet boy lil bat looking motherfucker. got denied for life insurance for mental health reasons.

august

went back to hc for a birthday “party” and to see the band. did a lot in that weekend (stayed with timothy’s family, helped becky move, met kelli’s look-alike, saw timothy and karlie’s new house!!! had lunch with kellis family which is closest to “meet my parents” i think i’ll ever get lmao). got my prof headshots and hate every single one of them but more for self esteem reasons lol. neighbors got goats and my mom lost her marbles. got trapped in traffic on the way back from hc. niko had crackhead energy. oooooooh documented gender crisis. ma got more chickens. went to a birthday party for a high school friend and was just... so out of my element. its weird. took off my grandma’s bathroom door bc she had knee surgery. started a full time job as my grandmother’s caretaker (love working for the family business lol).

september

went to breckenridge with a friend!!!!!! spicy times lol. cleaned the cupboard. had a birf. turned 22. cas finished her drugs!!!! and felt much better. we did a charcuterie board for my birthday which was very fun. Got a mixer set!!! went to hc for homecoming and graduated!!!!! surprised celeste and hannah with a celebration party for them (it was a lot of fun). came up with my BEST joke (summa cum laude). got called tf out for my gender crisis via tarot. got the goose game!!!! played the goose game!!!!

october

applied to chicago center!!!! will now be working there for a year!!!! this was the first documentation of banjo shrimp nights. surprised my dad for boss day by working with the team to fill his office with balloons. house sat for dad’s friends. started taking showers in the dark. went to celestes and made PASTA wow got very drunk and while she slept i just explored a strangers house. voted!!!!! wow. finally (finally) started to accept that i was maybe agender. had a snow day but i couldn’t work so that was fun. had halloween with banjo shrimps where i dressed up as david rose. that was SUCH a good night. participated in ace week!!! then, dressed as radar for actual halloween and had monumental. worked a volunteer haunted house and like... actually did pretty good?? felt like a real adult!!!!

november

so many things happened in november. i finished miraculous ladybug on netflix. had another bad interaction with a client bc the customer is always wrong. shaved my head. PRESENTATION NIGHT to distract from the election lmao what a good time. had so many emotions about the election. then biden won and we lost our damn minds -- video called with celeste and becky to celebrate (with the reminder that we know that this doesn’t solve everything but it was such a huge sigh of relief). started watching the last kids on earth. made more PASTA and soup! got my GHOSTY TATTOO. kahoot night with the banjo shrimps lol. watched the supernatural finale with kelli (what good memories) rewatched 3below good shit. got the chicago job so i quit being an insurance person!!!! brooke came for thanksgiving!!!

december

i dont wanna talk about it but i finally started watching unus annus (theres an archive its not the same but it provided me wild amounts of serotonin). “call that invisible split dye”. crimmus. had a video call with people from high school i rarely if ever see. this entire month has been a fuckin blur my guys but i’m so excited for what’s next. in two days i will be in an apartment in chicago. i will be reunited with my best friend in a little under two weeks. i cannot emphasize enough how excited i am for this next chapter. so yeah. that was my year. im sure there was more memories but that’s what the sideblog is for lol

#firefly talks #yearly wrap up

0 notes