#fanfoolishness steven universe fic
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after the storm, the stars (Steven Universe Future)
Set immediately after the events of I Am My Monster. Steven and Connie head for home, and Steven begins to realize it's okay to be the one who needs help. 2700 words.
(Steven angst, family feels, Connverse cuteness, Connie is a BAMF. Just had to do it, folks.)
Steven ached all over. He’d never been this tired in his life.
He clung to Connie, his arms wrapped around her waist, his blanket slipping off of his shoulder as Lion walked them home across the ocean. The waves rippled under Lion’s vast pink paws, water rolling in, and out. Like the way Steven’s chest rose and fell, rose, and fell. He breathed deeply, the ocean air crisp and clean and light. The storm clouds that had gathered late in the afternoon were finally gone, and evening sunlight dappled the waves.
Steven rested his head against Connie’s shoulder, tears and snot smudging against her shirt. “I’m making a mess,” he mumbled. “Snot everywhere.”
She glanced back at him, giving him a watery smile. “Steven. You really think I care about that right now?”
He tried to take her question seriously; he opened his mouth to answer. But his head swam, everything inside it fuzzy mush and confusing half-memory --
He’s vast, as vast as everything hurting him, and finally he can’t hide anymore -- they’ll all see what he really is, the horrible thing he is underneath all the fake smiles --
He thrashes in the water, his rage and pain boiling the seas, his throat raw as he wails --
His family’s looks of fear and horror -- but then their arms tight around him -- their love, their tears, their comfort --
“Steven?”
“Huh?” He groaned, rubbing his head. They were nearly home. Except his home’s roof was in pieces and the Diamonds’ massive ship had toppled over in the sand beside it. Cracked trees littered the hillside accusingly. His gut twisted. “I did all that,” he whispered. “Didn’t I?”
Lion carried them across the sand, up the steps to the front door.
Connie slid off Lion, holding a hand up to help Steven down. She nodded, her eyes too bright. “Yeah. You must have been hurting so badly.”
I was.
I am.
But that was too hard to say. The broken sobs on the ocean waves still lurked just beneath the surface, ready to spill out again if he said the wrong thing, if he said too much. He blinked back fresh tears, trying to find something else to focus on.
He took her hand, carefully sliding down Lion’s side, clutching the blanket’s corners tightly in his other hand. “Uh -- where’d this come from, anyway?” he asked as he landed on the porch, twitching the blanket a little closer. It was an easier topic of conversation than… everything else.
“Pearl had it, stored in her gem,” Connie said simply. “When you -- came back to being you -- I guess your clothes didn’t make it. Which is fine!” She blushed, averting her eyes. “I mean, I -- I didn’t see everything.”
He blinked at her. Then, somehow, he giggled. Just a little. The sound was rusty in his throat, but it felt good. “You know I used to run around Beach City completely naked, back in the day?” He had no idea why the memory had come back to him now, but it had, and giggling was better than wallowing.
“What?” Connie squawked, squeezing his hand hard in her scandalization. “Steven! Like, when you were little?”
He pulled at his lower lip with his teeth. “Uh… when I was like ten or eleven? That’s little, right?”
“Steven, oh my gosh, you’re such a nudist.” She tapped him playfully on the arm and he blushed, ducking his head.
“Aw, come on, Connie, that was forever ago.”
But the light moment vanished, replaced by his own shrill voice echoing in his head. I’m not that kid anymore! He shivered in his blanket, and Connie’s face shifted immediately from silly to worried again.
“Come on, let’s get you inside and find some real clothes. Just, um, watch your step.” An understatement, given what he’d done to the house.
Steven nodded, turning and patting Lion on the cheek. Lion’s breath was a warm whuff against his hand. “You’re the best, Lion,” he whispered.
Lion rumbled, a bassy, gravelly sound that made Steven’s chest vibrate, the closest thing Lion could manage for a purr. Steven smiled tearfully at him. Lion had always been comforting before -- when Steven could get him to sit still, that was -- but the way he’d let Steven hold him as he cried… Steven didn’t have words for it. “You deserve all the Lion Lickers in the world,” he managed, and Lion licked his face, then took his leave.
Connie and Steven watched him leap down to the sand, then portal away. On the beach, the Diamonds had brought the others back from the Cluster’s hand. They all stood in a group talking to each other, the Diamonds sitting down to make it easier to speak with the Gems and Greg. Though Steven couldn’t see his dad or the Crystal Gems clearly, he could see the Diamonds’ giant faces, wearing mingled exhaustion and relief.
“Everyone’s going to want to talk to me, aren't they,” he said softly. “Do you think I’m in trouble?”
Connie opened the front door, which immediately fell off its hinges. She shrugged as if the door was a problem for another day, and led him inside with her hand still firmly clasping his. “Not trouble. Just… they feel terrible for not helping you way sooner. And for hurting you in the first place.” A flash of anger crossed her face. “And if you ask me, they should feel bad. They were supposed to be the grownups, you know? Not you. Not me, either.” She sighed.
He followed her up the stairs, his damp feet sticking to the wood with a schlop, schlop sound. He carefully avoided looking at the gaping hole in the roof, though what he could see out of the corner of his eye made his heart race.
He turned his attention back to what Connie had said. Her words rattled him. He’d taken responsibility for so much, for so long, that it was genuinely bizarre to think of the fact that technically, he was still a teenager. And teenagers weren’t supposed to be in charge.
“Huh. I -- that makes sense, I guess. Never thought of it like that.” He finally let go of her hand to collapse on his bed, swaddled in the blue blanket, shivering more than ever. He closed his eyes, the exhaustion catching up to him again.
“How do you feel now?” Connie asked. He could hear her rummaging around in his dresser, drawers creaking.
“Sore everywhere,” he admitted. “Like, bones, skin, gem, everything. And my head hurts, and my eyes feel all puffy, and my nose is stuffed up. From all the crying, I guess. But… I… I think I needed it. The crying, I mean.” He scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand. “That sounds so weird.”
“Not to me.” Connie sat down on the edge of the bed and he opened his eyes. She had his pajamas in her lap, and she was grinning crookedly at him. “I’m a teenage girl. If you think I don’t know how important a good cry can be, you have another thing coming, mister. Sure, stupid hormones are probably to blame sometimes, but like, I get it.” She gazed at him. “It’s just, you… you have so much to cry about. Do you remember the Sky Arena?”
A long beat. He’d almost gotten Stevonnie -- Connie -- killed, all because of his own stupid feelings that he couldn’t bear to face. “Of course,” he said carefully.
“It was so hard for you then, too,” said Connie, looking away, her hands fidgeting in her lap. “You hadn’t even told me about what happened with Bismuth. Or with Eyeball. You thought you had to just pretend it didn’t happen. Like if you pretended you were fine, you really would be.”
He nodded, his hand half over his face, his eyes burning again. “I guess that’s my specialty,” he tried to joke, but the words hung between them, too true to be funny.
“I think it’s time to find a new Steven specialty,” said Connie, leaning over and kissing him on the forehead. “Like, a Steven self-care power. You can do it! It’s just gonna take practice, like all your other powers.”
She dropped the pajamas in his lap, letting out a long breath. “Come on, you should probably get out of that wet blanket. I’ll meet you downstairs?”
“Sure,” he said. There was so much more he wanted to say, apologies and explanations and worried questions like do you still love me and are we really jam buds forever, but he forced himself to sit up instead. He watched her head downstairs, wondering if he was really safe to leave alone.
He stared down at his pajamas. He got to his feet creakily and tried kissing the back of his hand, hoping his healing powers would take care of his exhaustion and the bone-deep ache. But his body felt just the same after the kiss, and he sighed. Figures. Healing powers didn’t work on emotional injury. He let the blanket fall and carefully got into his pajamas, wincing when he moved wrong.
More trauma. How much cortisol did I use this time?
He tied the drawstring on his pajama pants, his fingers fumbling. Maybe he could ask Connie to talk with her mom again. He remembered the concern in Dr. Maheswaran’s eyes, the weight of her firm but supportive hand on his shoulder. Maybe she would know what to do.
He turned to head down the stairs, but a flash of movement caught his eye. He turned, startled, but it was just himself in the mirror.
Steven reached out, touching the mirror’s cool glass. His reflection reached towards him, looking mostly like a normal human teenager. Except that there were big circles under his eyes, puffy red ones; his dark hair had tangled curls twisting in every direction; and his face looked both like a scared little kid’s and a weary old man’s.
But there were no pink diamond pupils staring back at him. No pink glow humming in his bulging hands. No monstrous claws ripping their way out of his flesh. And that was something, wasn’t it?
“I’m Steven,” he whispered. “Just Steven.”
I’m a mons--
“No, no --”
He wrapped his arms around himself, willing himself to stay small, to stay Steven, to stay human. He panted with the effort, his shoulders shaking as he squeezed his eyes shut.
How am I supposed to live if I always feel like I’m about to die?
He tore himself away from the mirror, practically tripping over himself to get down the stairs. Don’t be alone, don’t be alone. Though it wasn’t like that had helped him before, had it --
He drew himself up at the bottom of the staircase, still breathing hard.
Connie and Greg and the Gems were waiting for him, just like before, when he’d -- exploded -- but the air itself felt different. His breathing slowed as he registered the difference, the fear receding with each breath he took. He blinked in surprise, trying to figure out what it was.
The charge that had laid heavy in the house for weeks was gone; he hadn’t realized how thick fear, and anger, and shame could feel. There was just a clean breeze blowing in through the hole in the roof and the broken front door, the soft sound of distant waves, and the tiredness in his bones looked like it had found a home on everyone else’s shoulders.
He sagged against the wall, swallowing, lifting one hand. “Hey, guys.”
His dad broke away from Connie and the Gems, giving Steven a warm smile despite his red-rimmed eyes. “Hey, Schtu-ball.” Greg wrapped him in a fierce and crushing hug, and Steven leaned into it, resting his head on his dad’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”
Steven tried to speak past the sudden lump in his throat. “Tired, mostly. Um, a little embarrassed. Mostly really, really sorry.”
“Steven…” The hug tightened even more. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
“But Dad, I scared everyone -- I could have hurt someone -- more than I already have --” He choked, and then he was crying again: not the heaving, heartbroken sobs from before, but something quieter, an echo of the pain he’d felt then. He sniffed, trying to stop himself.
Greg didn’t seem to mind. “I love you, Steven.” The tears kept coming, but his dad kept talking, his voice soft and gentle and safe. “We all love you. We love you when you’re happy, or mad, or sad -- even when you make mistakes. The same way you’ve always loved us through our mistakes,” Greg murmured into his ear. “We love you, no matter what.”
The tears slowed. Even when you make mistakes. He’d told them all of it, finally. His hatred for White. What he’d done to Jasper. Asking Connie to marry him. It was all out in the open. He trembled.
“What -- what do we do now?” he asked thickly.
“We help you, kiddo,” said Greg, and this time his voice cracked, too. Steven pulled back to see tears shining in Greg’s eyes. “Like we should have been doing all along.” He cupped Steven’s face with his hand, wiping away Steven’s tears with his thumb while ignoring his own. “The Gems and I, we messed up, and we hurt you. And we’re so sorry. We should have protected you.”
Steven nodded, not trusting himself to speak again without more tears. But there was something new blooming in his chest, something fragile beneath the exhaustion and the sadness. It almost felt like relief.
Greg leaned his forehead in to touch Steven’s. “But we’re gonna find a way through this, as a family. I called Dr. Maheswaran while Lion was bringing you home. We have some options to get you started with a therapist, and we’re gonna do everything we can to help you. All of us.” He raised his voice slightly. “Right, guys?”
Steven looked past Greg, catching the eyes of the Gems. Garnet smiled gently at him, raising her hands and forming them into a heart. Pearl laid a hand over her chest, her eyes kind as she held his gaze. Amethyst gave him a teary but determined thumbs up.
And beside them was Connie, her face shining. She was still here, his best friend, even after all the ways he’d messed up. She grinned hopefully at him. “I talked to my folks. They said I can spend the night -- I mean, on the couch, of course.” She winked at him, and he managed to grin back, the feeling of relief now dizzying.
They really do still love me.
Steven glanced up, catching sight of the hole in the roof. This time he didn’t look away, even though shame roiled in his belly, even though his heart rate sped up. But as he looked, he realized that through the destruction, through the pain, he could see the first evening stars beginning to rise. It’d been weeks, maybe months since he’d really appreciated the stars. Ages since he’d noticed the simple beauty of them seen from Earth. Ages since he’d remembered the beauty of the stars seen from the human point of view.
Steven grabbed the throw blanket from the sofa, spreading it down on the floor beneath the hole in the roof. “You know, you can get a pretty good view of the stars from here,” he said. “Do… you guys wanna watch them with me?”
“Of course,” said Garnet.
They all got down on the floor, a pile of humans and Gems huddled close together. Steven and Connie held hands while Pearl pointed out star systems. Garnet predicted every shooting star. Greg brought up song ideas, and Amethyst made up fake constellations, each ruder than the last.
If sometimes Steven got teary again, the others didn’t mind. Sometimes they talked about it, with soothing voices and questions they didn’t push him to answer; sometimes Steven just felt a hand on his shoulder, or a gentle pat of his cheek, and that was enough to help him quiet down again. He was with his family, which was all that really mattered.
And the night air flowing through the house was crisp, and clear, and light.
#steven universe future#suf#steven universe#steven universe fanfiction#i am my monster#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#connie maheswaran#connverse
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heya! :D I'm so happy I found your blog, I just did a su rewatch this summer and I'm obsessed again! I was wondering if you had some fic recs to share? especially any and all that deal with steven's trauma (whether that be corruption aftermath, his abandonment issues, any of the traumatic experiences he had), anything really, just some nice and thorough hurt/comfort and healing <3 definitely up to any other recs you might have, even if they're about something completely different haha. thank you in advance!!
Ooooh heck yeah I can rec some of my favs! Admittedly, these days I haven't been reading that much new fic, so I'm not sure what new stuff is out there that's gone unnoticed, but I went through my bookmarks and found a few fics that still stand out to me today as ones I remember really vibing with when I read them-
First off, some fics that I remember delving into Steven's trauma (along other things)-
Aid to Navigation, by Ppleater (or @infriga here on tumblr)
Honest to god, this is my favorite Steven Universe fic on the whole goddamn internet. Post I Am My Monster hurt/comfort content galore. Emotional catharsis out the wazoo. Fascinating theorization about how Steven works as a hybrid. Sometimes there's even chapter artwork. ALSO NANEFUA AS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER, WHICH I RARELY SEE LET'S GO NANEFUA
a world for the birds, by @fanfoolishness
Do you like Uncle Andy? Do you vibe with the idea of bird watching? Do you wanna read about Andy's outsider observations of the trajectory of his nephew's bizarre life as he shares his hobby of bird watching with Steven as a bonding activity over the years moving into the events of Steven Universe: Future??
Go read this fic, it destroys me. In fact, just do yourself a favor and check out this author's whole catalogue, because my next fic rec is from her, too.
Comminuted, by @fanfoolishness
Post Growing Pains hurt/comfort focused on Steven and his dad's relationship. I remember this one dropping pretty damn soon after the episode aired and it w r e c k e d my emotions and gave me all the catharsis my sappy little heart desired at the time.
WELCOME BACK TO THE VLOG, steven universe here! by waddlesthejoghog (or @thisisnotacreativeusername here on tumblr)
Here's a story with a COMPLETELY different format than all the others- this one chronicles Steven's life through a variety of videos he posts to his TubeTube channel over the years. (Which, if you watch the SU shorts, is a canonical fun fact about him! He posts unboxing videos and reactions and stuff online, ahah.)
Each chapter sorta like, "transcribes" what's happening in the video, and there's even a little views/likes/dislikes/subscriber count + mock comments section at the end of every one! I found it a very charming and fun read- but also it punched me in the face by the end because it's like a whole microcosm of Steven's character development throughout the entire show mashed into one 59 chapter story.
This one is not wholly focused on Steven's trauma, as it spans the events of the entire show, but that does play a decently big role later on in the fic.
__
As a quick little self-plug, I've also written a good deal of fics focused on various shades of Steven's traumatic experiences, and the following is (probably) my favorite of those:
A Memoir of the Marks Unseen (uhh... by me lol)
This one is focused on the topic of Steven + the headcanon of him having corruption scars like the other healed Gems, and picks up pretty soon after I Am My Monster. It spans months (and later Years) after that, detailing his journey towards accepting these remnants as a neutral part of him. I'm still very proud of finishing it, as I was pulling from some raw personal experience with this one.
__
Lastly, here's two Connie focused fics I remember slapping ass in their own various ways:
Xenopology, by CompletelyDifferent
Some Connie + all the Gems character study pieces!
The Stranger in Me, by Cyberwraith9
Connie accidentally gets perma-bonded with a poofed gemstone retrieved from a corrupted Gem. Hijinks ensue. I remember this one having a legendary level of character development for Connie and her whole family especially ;w;
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WIP tag game!
Tagged by @novantinuum!
Rules: post the names of all of the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.
So some of these are more former concepts or ideas that never fully took off rather than things I’m actively working on, but I’ve realized that I’m an apparently rare breed of writer who doesn’t usually have more than a few active WIPs at a time (usually just one at a time to be honest). I may come back to them some day since I do still like the ideas or concepts, and some are even ones I have planned for the future but haven’t gotten around to yet, but for most I’m not actively working on them at the moment. That said, I figured some people might find them interesting! For the ones that don’t have a title I just put the file name.
Gravity Falls:
Murky Waters
Child of Thiess
Steven Universe:
Bismuth oneshot
Jasper eats ice cream
Tiger & Bunny
Poking Holes
One Piece
Luffy develops an allergy and Sanji has a bit of a Crisis about it fic
Detroit: Become Human
Deviancy for Dummies
Tagging: @marypsue, @impishnature, @abel-quartz, @thelastspeecher, @fanfoolishness, @taizi, and anyone else I’ve forgotten! Feel free to participate if you want, or ignore if you don’t!
#Gravity Falls#Steven Universe#One Piece#detroit: become human#Detroit become human#Tiger & Bunny#I only tagged 6 but oh well lol#feel free to ask me about them pls 👀#ask meme#tag meme#writing#WIP#I only chose ones that I have either actually written something for or I have written notes/an outline for#The dbh one is the main one I'm rotating in my brain atm lol
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20 First Lines
Tagged by the wonderful @findswoman and @a-big-apple ! This one seems fun!!!
Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories. See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 authors!
--
In order starting with the most recent
1. From: Sticky (Steven Universe)
“So...that’s the whole story,” Steven finishes, back against the washing machine.
2. From: Guardian (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
Since the moment you could understand what death was—since they pushed your grandfather’s body out to sea, and hunting seals and fish (with your father, and then, later, alone) consequently became a reverent act—you have known that you would die in battle.
3. From: We've All Got Each Other (Steven Universe)
After the Song gives way to battle, the battle gives way to a sickening silence, to a looming pile of Gemstones contained within fuchsia spheres.
4. From: Mending (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
By the time he finds himself at the door of the dwelling, the moon is already looming high in the air, casting a silver glow that catches in the ice and snow that compose his home and radiating off it.
5. From: Hunger (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
Hunger, Iroh has known.
6. From: Consolation (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
The urban landscape turns to wilderness, and the days become colder, and still Iroh runs.
7. From: Kind (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
Visiting Azula is always weird, Ty Lee thinks.
8. From: Crowdsourcing (Steven Universe)
AITA for wanting my family to spend time with me?
9. From: On That Shore (Steven Universe)
She’s not alone when she re-forms, but the Bismuth’s back is turned, so for an instant, there’s nothing to fill the quiet but the gentle lap of the low-tide waves on the sand.
10. From: First Supper (Gravity Falls)
Though, given the sporadic availability of edible foodstuffs across the dimensions, it shouldn’t be a shock, it’s not for several hours after being yanked back through the portal that Ford realizes he is ravenous.
11. From: Embrace (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
His kneecaps burn, and he’s been here before—bent low like this, head bowed, knees digging into the ground, a thousand apologies ready on his trembling lips.
12. From: Sturdy (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
They treat her like a porcelain doll—something fine, dainty, presumably beautiful to look at (not that she’d know), but never to be touched, never to be allowed off her cushion.
13. From: And You Shall Be A Blessing (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)
She never sees the seashore.
14. From: Home Again (Avatar: the Last Airbender)
Katara wouldn’t call the prison she finds when she enters the building by any means pleasant, but it is at least humane, clean.
15. From: Worthy Exchange (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)
By the standards of an Egyptian slave, she’s an old woman when it happens, and it’s Aaron who informs her.
16. From: Seen (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)
Tzipporah catches Miriam when she reenters the camp just as the sun is rising, after her seven days of solitude, after the scales on her skin have given way to mere itchy dry patches, though they still flake off her in white streaks when she scratches.
17. From: Renaming (Steven Universe)
The second time he forms, several months after the first, Rainbow warps to the ridge overlooking the strawberry field.
18. From: Deference (Steven Universe)
They bring him back to the beach house, after, in something of a collective fashion.
19. From: Seasons (Steven Universe)
It’s almost comical how the Dondai pales in size when compared to the Arm Ship—and the magnitude of the difference only grows as Steven descends the ridge.
20. From: Creature of Earth (Steven Universe)
It’s halfway through the War when they finally manage it, in about as inconspicuous a moment as any.
Hm, I'm not really sure what to make of this in terms of patterns! I guess just that sometimes my style varies! If anyone else has any thoughts, please let me know, lol!
My favorites are probably those from Consolation and Guardian!
I'm tagging: @mimik-u @fanfoolishness @attackfish @intelligencehavingfun @novantinuum @allenbyseyes @hagar-972 @klainelynch @ink-splotch @elf-kid2 and whoever else might want to participate!
(I realize not all of you have 20 fics! You can use chapter first lines if you'd like!)
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Writer Tag Game
Tagged by: @borkthemork (Who I love)
Author Name: FollowerofMercy anywhere I end up!
Fandom(s) you write for: Steven Universe, Fullmetal Alchemist (infrequently), Hollow Knight, Undertale
Where you post: Ao3 and cross link to Tumblr
Most popular one-shot: “Missing Person”, Hollow Knight fic with 653 kudos (People be starved for Quirrel content)
Most popular multi-chapter: Punch Buddies...? Hard to say because it’s all split up. I’m terrible at doing multi chapter fics. Competition is fairly popular at 214 kudos.
Favorite story you wrote: I’m really proud of Dignity, an FMAB fic about Alphonse getting some pants. Premise sounds silly, but trust me, it’s not a silly fic.
Story you were nervous to post: "Desert Vents”, which features a gem fusion OC and those generally aren’t popular. Fusions with Jasper extra so for being problematic. (I mean. She’s Jasper. That’s kinda the point.”
How do you choose your titles? With much suffering and anxiety.
How many of your stories are complete? This is an extremely impolite question. (Less than 20%)
In progress:
Punch Buddies
The followup story to Punch Buddies that has a hostile gem invasion of little homeworld. Yes, I’m an author working on the sequel before the original. We exist.
A loooong Hollow Knight fic that ends in Pale King redemption... ish.
FMAB fic of Riza and Roy inviting Alex over for tea
The Life of Wordsworth G. Consolas - an original novel
The Wolf that Refused to Die - another original story
That one story with the kids and the angelic beasts [title pending] - yet ANOTHER original story
Dunkin’ Donuts - Sans x Muffet - they get married for tax benefits
Salad Surprise - Steven Universe tapeworm mpreg
A monster hunter fic detailing a disgruntled hunter that signed up to be a biologist and is angry about lack of water combat
Anastasia - an FMA fic that got so out of hand I literally just need to change the names and it’s an original story
Chadverse piece.
Rampant - YET ANOTHER original story. Might scrap it because it’s pretty similar to the wolf that refused to die
Two aliens, their adopted daughter and weird dog
This is getting embarrassing. Trust me, there’s more.
Pokemon fic of the child protagonist beating the shit out of Lysandre with a pipe
Coming soon:
Shank Sans [title pending] - A Papyrus, Alphys, Chara and Player centric fic looking at the worst (best?) possible ending to Undertale! I wanted to play around with a Bad Ending fic that isn’t ooOOoO spooky glitches.
Upcoming story you’re most excited to write:
Shank Sans [title pending]! I have the first chapter and most of the outline. I’ve been excited to do this for awhile
Do you accept prompts? If you pay me! I’m doing Drabble commissions - $3/100 words.
Top five six favorite authors:
-Hadithi
-My mother
-Diane Duane
- @tired-cat-man
- @fanfoolishness
- @drundertalescum
Tagging anyone that wants to do it, specifically @tired-cat-man
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do u happen to know of any good angsty SU fics (centered on Steven?)
Oh yes~
This one's corrupted Steven, by novantinuum themselves! It's a one shot, but it's nice and dark~
This one is corrupted Steven too, several chapters of just... s a d. And the ending is amazing. Hadithi writes plenty of other amazing stuff too, so if you like this definitely check out her profile.
This one is probably one of my favorites. It's a therapy fic that really delves into Steven's head after Prickly Pair.
This one's a sad father/son one shot by fanfoolishness, so of course it's good. They've got so much good stuff, I'd definitely recommend their profile too!
That's all ive really got, I don't read too much angst but there is plenty to find! I hope you like these!
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WIP ask game
Tagged by @drsteggy, thank you! :D
_
RULES: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.
_
The document names I’m posting here are only the stories I have actively in some form of progress right now, FYI- thus most of them are Steven Universe related. Still have a few for Zelda I’d love to finish in time tho. Some are chapter titles (if they Had titles), some are legit one-shot titles, some are placeholder titles.
If it’s crossed out, then someone has sent an ask about it already.
Here’s my list:
Chapter 15: Allegiance
a cut above (but nothing more)
First Impressions Part 3
Chapter 20: An Undesired Truth
Paya/Isha fic
Ford in Hyrule fic
you can’t choose what stays and what fades away
knowing, loving, being
Stepping Stones
Reunited Alt POV fic
Bad Dreams
Proposal fic
Peridot and Steven short
Glow or Dark
Connie’s trauma (post movie)
Steven has nightmares
Taste of Ordinary Chapter 2
But yeah, feel free to send in any you’re curious about and I’ll share snippets or ramble about the general vibe.
Uhhh tagging… (thinks of authors…) @michpat6, @deiliamedlini, @fanfoolishness, and You, if you’re bored and want something to do. Please just take this ask meme and go nuts, heck yeah
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Fic Stats meme
Rules: Give us the links to your fics with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and your fic with the least amount of words.
Tagged by @itcantbe, thank you!
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Most hits: Hollowed Moon, an unfinished Steven Universe canon divergent thing that strangely took off like wildfire due to the SU movie coming out days before posting and the story's inclusion of Spinel. Over 37,000 hits for a fic that barely has 8K words... I really don't understand either, ahahah. I'm flattered, though.
Second most kudos: Crack the Paragon, an unfinished Steven Universe canon divergent fic where all of the season 5 plot bombs come crashing down on Steven and his family in the Bismuth episode, and things get Messy. 1,697 kudos.
Third most comments: Misalignment, an unfinished Steven Universe: Future canon divergent fic where a very troubled Steven runs away, and his family has to deal with the fallout. 230 comments.
Fourth most bookmarks: Shattering Atlas, a Steven Universe speculative fic written two months before SU: Future aired that focuses on the theory that Steven would corrupt himself due to his extreme emotional turmoil. 142 bookmarks, 103 of those are publicly visible.
Fifth most words: A Tale of Two Trollhunters, a super niche Gravity Falls/Trollhunters fusion crossover I started and never did anything with beyond four chapters (and one half chapter I have on the sidelines.) Honestly I still quite like the general premise of this one, I might continue on with it eventually if I get bored. 14,954 words.
Least words: Mistress of Disguise, a quick Doctor Who series 8 fic focusing on Missy being a little shit in the scene during the finale where she kisses the fuck out of Twelve unprompted. 213 words.
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LMAO I'm not surprised that there's no LoZ represented within the top few stats, but it's hilarious to me that there's an example of literally every other fandom I've written for in this list.
Tagging some others to take a trip down memory lane on AO3: @infriga, @endae, @anistarrose, @farore-or-less, @fanfoolishness
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hurt (SUF finale spoilers)
He’d told Connie it didn’t hurt.
And it didn’t, not in the way it probably looked, not in the way Steven remembered from so many falls and fights and hits. It wasn’t like that -- a bone-deep throb, a searing crush, the swift fading of the feeling that meant his gem was saving him again.
It hurt in a different way, deeper than bone, as his body swelled and bulged and rippled. It felt like his gem screaming, like a hollow boring through him, gutting him from the inside out. It felt like control slipping through his fingers, like being small and weak and powerless again. It felt that way even as his head crashed into the hospital ceiling, even as he staggered through the palace halls the size of a Diamond, even as he dwarfed the familiar surroundings of his bedroom.
Even as he doubled over, his breath catching in his throat, Jasper’s shards digging into his palm again, his head searing from where he’d smashed his face into the pillar --
Even as he remembered just how he’d failed them all, failed to live up to what they needed him to be, how wrong and messed up he was --
Even as the monster poured out of him.
***
He couldn’t see, at first. Couldn’t understand. He could only see their faces, the hurt in their eyes, shocked and horrified at what he really was.
Monster. Monster. Monster.
He howled with it. Thrashed with it. The house crumbled around him, and his claws dug into the sand of the beach, and it didn’t hurt, not like that --
So then why did he keep screaming?
***
He came back to himself slowly. He was small and damp and naked huddled in a blanket, and his family gazed down at him.
Their faces wore smiles, concern, love. He didn’t deserve it. But he remembered what they’d said -- faintly, as if through static and charge -- and he swallowed. We love you, Steven.
Lion’s nose was cold and wet, pressed to his cheek. Words failed him. The apology died in his throat, smothered by Lion’s nuzzle.
He laughed at first. The tears were clean in his eyes, streaking down his face. He laughed until it wasn’t really laughter anymore, until it was something darker and realer, until he choked on his sobs, until his breath was ragged. He wept, and they let him, and he felt as if he’d finally come up for air.
He shivered in his blanket, exhausted, face pressed into Lion’s soft fur. The tears finally slowed. He felt Connie’s hand, sweet and gentle, on his cheek.
And it didn’t hurt at all.
#suf spoilers#steven universe future spoilers#su spoilers#steven universe spoilers#suf finale spoilers#steven universe finale spoilers#growing pains#fragments#everything's fine#homeworld bound#i am my monster#connie maheswaran#connverse#steven universe#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic
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on the subject of rocks (SUF)
Steven and Jasper have a long-overdue conversation. Set two years after SUF, canon-compliant. A little angst, a lot of hope. ~2500 words.
***
Steven is eighteen years old when he decides he wants to try to speak with her again.
If she wants to, that is.
He thinks he’s ready. He thinks the conversation might dim the feeling of her fragments cutting into his palm, the weight of his crime crushing his heart, his gut, his gem. Therapy has helped a great deal. But there are still nights he wakes up panting, remembering what it felt like to let go, to hurt, to shatter, and he wonders.
If Jasper has the same terrible memories, the same haunting, then maybe they should talk about it.
He talks with Dr. Boverman for hours. He wants to be sure this is right. Not just for him, but he wants to make sure this won’t damage her further than he already has. They go round and round. They’ve spoken of so many things, old wounds that pierced and bled and fractured, but most of those wounds were done to him.
The blood on his hands is less than he’d once feared it was, but it still doesn’t scrub clean.
“It will always be with you,” Dr. Boverman’s calm voice says. “You shattered Jasper. You didn’t intend to, but it’s what happened.”
“I know,” says Steven, and the thought no longer incapacitates him with shame. It was terrible, violent, the worst possible action committed at nearly his lowest point. But he accepts it, now, accepts that this will stay with him always. That it should.
And yet --
He and Dr. Boverman strategize. Roleplay. Hours of scenarios, how to accept if she never wants to talk to him again, what to do if Jasper says she isn’t ready, what to do if she lashes out, what to do if she fights him, what to do if she bends her hands into the Diamond salute. Each scenario frightens him at first, sends his heart racing. The first time they talked about it he glowed pink again for the first time in months. But the terror fades a little every time they speak, and several weeks later, he thinks he might be ready.
***
Little Homeworld is always different and always the same. It’s a comforting flow of change, new Gems appearing each time he visits, old teachers moving on. His family is still there, of course, and he has plans to catch up with them tomorrow. But today -- today he wants to know if this is the right time.
If there will ever be a right time. And if there isn’t, he thinks he can make his peace with that.
He finds Jasper sitting on a fallen log at the edge of the forest, alone as he’d expected she would be. A sketchbook sits in front of her, colored pencils at her side. His footsteps crunch on autumn leaves.
“Jasper?” he asks hesitantly, ten feet away.
She turns to look at him, her form unchanged from the last time he saw her, the stripe through her eye disrupted, her horn broken. So she hadn’t gone to Yellow, then. A thread of fear mixed with guilt begins unspooling within him. Maybe he wasn’t ready after all.
Jasper snorts, a gruff smile spreading over her face. “I wondered if you’d stop by, one of these days. I heard some of the others say you were coming into town.”
“Hi,” says Steven hesitantly. He takes a deep breath, remembering his strategies. “I -- I’d like to ask you something, Jasper.”
“Shoot,” she says in disinterest, picking up a pencil. She makes scratchy marks against the sketchbook paper, scribbles he can’t quite make out.
He edges closer. “I was wondering… I’ve done a lot of thinking.”
“Sounds like you.”
Despite himself, he chuckles slightly. “All right, fair.”
“Thinking about what?” she asks.
“About you,” says Steven honestly. “And me. What I did to you. What we did to each other.” He lets out a long, tremulous sigh, returning mentally to his gemstone, taking deep breaths with his diamond as his anchor. “And I wanted to see if you wanted to talk about it. It’s okay if you don’t, or if you want me to leave you alone.” Breath. Another. “I’m so sorry, Jasper.”
She glances up at him, giving him an odd look, then gestures beside her with a powerful shoulder. “Go on. Sit down, already.”
No ‘my Diamond.’ He’s more relieved than he’d expected to be. He sets down his bag and sits down on the ground, resting against the log instead of sitting on top of it with her. He sinks into the soft loam, leans against the fallen trunk. It’s more comfortable than it looks. A few feet between them seem like miles, or inches, he isn’t sure.
Jasper regards him coolly, tilting her head slightly to one side. “Why’d you really come here?”
“To talk to you,” says Steven, his hands folded and calm in his lap, his breathing slowing. “You told me once that I was the one who needed help. I’ve been getting it.”
“Told you,” she says, but there’s no gloating in her voice. She purses her lips, face tensed in concentration. At last she says, “So have I.”
He blinks, hands coming apart, fingers falling open. He raises his head and gazes up at her, wondering if he’s heard her right. “You have?”
“You told me to do something better with my life,” says Jasper, picking up her sketchbook. At this angle he can see what she’s drawn. It’s a rock -- what was it with her and rocks -- but a tenderly realized rock, craggy edges shaded in carefully, mosses and lichens rendered in textured shades of green and brown.
“Jasper, that’s -- that’s really beautiful,” says Steven. He’s been working on his art, too, but he’s no good at the type of delicate detail work laced into her sketch. “Who taught you?”
“Ruby,” she says. She sets the pencil down beside her, hands tensing on the sketchbook. “I don’t go to Lapis’ classes.”
“Right.” Part of him is saddened to hear it. Another part of him is grateful for Lapis’ sake. He wonders which of them he’s most like. “It seems like you’ve really taken to Little Homeschool. I’m glad for you.”
A small scoff of a laugh, but it softens at the end into something more like a real smile. Jasper shakes her hair, its white strands catching in the dappled sunlight beneath the trees. She looks… calm, like this, and it’s not a state he ever remembers seeing her in before.
“What about you?” she asks suddenly.
“I’m doing well,” he replies, still shocked that they’re talking at all. It’s going far better than most of the scenarios he’d practiced with Dr. Boverman. “I visit with my family every couple of weeks. I’ve been spending a lot of time in cities lately. All the noise and hustle and bustle… it’s different, sometimes it’s overwhelming, but I like the energy. It’s… good. It’s really good. Connie and I meet up every week. And I talk to my therapist.”
“What’s that?”
“A therapist? Um… it’s like a healer for human minds. But it’s not instant, like with Diamond powers. It takes time. A long time.” He gives her a small smile. “Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back, but overall, I’m feeling a lot better than… before.”
Jasper considers his words. She leans down, and he realizes a shiny blue beetle is crawling over the tip of her boot. He tenses, waiting.
Jasper watches the beetle go, making no further move toward it. It ambles away peacefully.
“You are not my Diamond,” she says into the silence.
“No,” he agrees, and something inside of him unclenches. “I -- I’m a Diamond. But mostly I’m just Steven.”
“I hated you for so long.”
He fights an urge to be sarcastic, to bite back at her. This doesn’t sound… angry. He keeps quiet, and lets her speak.
Her hand clenches into a fist, heavy against her thigh. “I thought that if you could stop being weak, if I could make you stronger, I would have my Diamond again. My purpose. Someone to protect, someone to serve.”
She stares into the woods, and he remembers his hands and legs awash in pink, the glow as he tore through the trees beneath a starry sky. He remembers jagged laughter, his gem humming, a power crueler than he’d ever felt before --
“I know.”
“Don’t ‘I know’ me when I’m talking to you,” she snaps. “I’m trying to -- arrgh. I thought this would be easier.”
“You thought what would be easier --” he starts to ask.
“You know. Talking. Ugh. It’s nothing like a good fight. The target keeps changing.” She crosses her arms, still staring off into the trees. The sun shifts overhead, casting her face in shadow.
“That’s called a conversation,” he says gently. “Battles are battles, but a hard conversation… it can hurt.”
“Now you tell me,” says Jasper, and it takes him a solid minute before he realizes it’s a joke. He laughs, but it’s too late, and Jasper shakes her head. “Look. Steven. I -- I’m sorry.” The words are hasty and fumbled and fast, but he catches them, barely.
“You’re sorry?” Steven yelps. “But I’m the one who shattered you.” It still comes out like a dirty word, almost two years later. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to fully say it, if he’ll ever be able to act like it hasn’t scarred him. He hopes not. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”
“You have. Just now, and before,” she says, shrugging. “But I only said I’d teach you to get you to fight me. And you did. And I lost.”
“Because I lost myself, I lost who I was, you didn’t make me --”
“But you were off-color,” growls Jasper. “You were -- what do you humans call it again --?”
“Sick,” he says softly. Such a small word. It barely begins to cover everything that went wrong two years ago, but he knows CPTSD won’t mean a thing to her, and that’s okay, that’s not what he’s here for.
“Sick,” she repeats. “And I --” She digs her hands into the tree bark, small flakes of it crumbling beneath her shaking hands. “I made you worse. So that I could get something I wanted. I failed to protect my Diamond from myself.”
“Jasper --” he gasps. “You’ve been blaming yourself? For me shattering you?”
“Someone’s got to do it,” she huffs.
He rubs the back of his neck with his hand, tries to take another deep breath, reminds himself to return to the thought of his gem as a centering point. He can do this. He can do this. It’s just, this isn’t how he thought it would go at all.
He closes his eyes. Remembers the way she screamed at him, punches in the gut, the face, the sides. Remembers the way she goaded, the way she pressed, how proud she looked of how frightening he’d become. He doesn’t know what to say. “I -- I was sick,” he manages finally. “I -- you’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
He shakes his head at that. “But I’m still the one who did it. I still have to take responsibility for hurting you,” he demands.
Jasper gives him an appraising look. “Hmph,” she says, and he doesn’t know if it’s a hmph of agreement or a hmph of disdain. It’s hard to tell with Jasper. She holds the silence an uncomfortably long time before she says, “Maybe.”
“This isn’t how -- I wanted you to be mad at me,” Steven admits. “I wanted you to be pissed off! To tell me to get away from you!”
“I can still do that,” says Jasper, apparently turning the thought around in her mind. She chuckles, very slightly. “But if that’s an order, I’m ignoring it.”
He laughs. “You’re full of surprises, Jasper.”
“Am not.”
“You kind of are.”
“Don’t be so surprised then.” She picks up her pencil, returning to her sketch. Grass starts to grow beneath her rock, verdant blades springing up from dark soil.
“I thought you hated the local ecosystem.”
“It has its functions,” says Jasper begrudgingly. “If I leave the grass it provides better contrast for the rocks.” She picks up a different shade of green, adding highlights. “It’s still puny. But it has a purpose of its own.”
“What’s yours?” he asks, then kicks himself for getting so personal.
“Only if you tell me what yours is.”
Two years ago, the request would have paralyzed him. Two years ago, he’d have panicked, spun out with a lie, tried his best not to think about who he was and what he was supposed to do.
He just smiles. Breathes in the fresh green air, so different from the machine-smell of the big city. Beneath the green there’s a hint of salt, the promise of the sea. It smells like home.
“My purpose is to be Steven,” he says simply. “To be myself. To grow and change. To love myself, regrets and all.”
“Sounds all right,” says Jasper begrudgingly. “Sort of like mine these days.” She turns to him, frowning. “You got something to write on?”
“Uh, let me see.” He rummages in his bag. “Oh hey! I have my sketchbook, too.”
“Well?” Jasper says, pointing to the boulder before her. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
He flips through his sketchbook, passing pages of silly Connie faces, a self-portrait in pink and white, Lion poses, CPH classic fanart. He settles on a blank page and Jasper shoves a green pencil into his hand. He feels smooth wood, the lightness of the organic drawing implement rounded and gentle in his palm. No sharp edges, no jagged fragments, no terrible weight dragging his clenched hand into the hot water. He blinks back tears.
The sunlight shifts, the golden hour arriving, brilliant light shafting through the leaves above and lining the forest floor in spun-gold glory. His hands don’t quite have this kind of magic in them, but he tries his best, his drawing including sketches of the rock, the grass, the trees beyond them. He adds a gleaming line of yellow at the edges. He’ll show it to Dr. Boverman at their next appointment.
“Not bad,” says Jasper, peering over his sketchbook. “You added the trees.”
“It just felt more complete that way,” he says. He glances at her drawing. The rock is resplendent, resting on gold-touched grass, light captured in patches against the mosses and lichens. “You can see all of this? It’s incredible, Jasper.”
“It’s just what it looks like,” she says stubbornly. “It’s a good challenge.”
“Like a conversation,” he says, half to himself.
“Something like that.” The breeze flutters past them, carrying faint birdsong, the far-off scent of the sea.
“Thanks for talking with me, Jasper. I know you didn’t have to.”
“Of course. I do what I want,” she replies, and her voice is gentler than he’s ever heard it.
#steven universe future#steven universe#suf#jasper#steven universe jasper#do not tag as ship!#the future#suf spoilers#steven universe spoilers#steven universe future spoiler#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#fragments
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getting better all the time (SUF)
Steven confronts the Gems about a test they gave him years ago. Angst and anger and a little hope. One month after ‘I Am My Monster,’ Amethyst POV, 4150 words.
***
Things were… getting better. At least, Amethyst was pretty sure they were.
(They certainly couldn’t get any worse than Steven hunched and glowing on the floor, gasping those terrible things, crumpling, vanishing, swallowed up in a monster so massive he dwarfed the Diamonds —)
But that was over. They’d finally gotten through to him, finally gotten him to realize how much they all loved him. It had been a whole month. He was talking to a human therapist and spending time with the three of them again, and she could see glimmers of the old him coming back. That had to be better, right?
There were times she wasn’t exactly sure, though. Maybe it was normal when humans were stressed, those days where he snapped at them over every little thing and glowed pink and cried, or days when he slept so long Amethyst would have been jealous if it didn’t scare her a little bit. None of the days ended in Steven the monster (he’d looked so scared, somehow, even through the fangs and the roaring voice), so she told herself to stop worrying.
Then again, that’s what she’d told herself before this all happened. I knew. I knew something was wrong.
Like, this, just now, she wasn’t sure about. Steven had come down from his room at a normal time, sleeping in until mid-morning but not until three in the afternoon. He’d had a few jokes for them. He’d made breakfast with her, laughing when she did the old egg-in-the-eyes trick for him. He’d settled in on the couch with a cup of tea instead of bitter black coffee. He had even said yes when Pearl suggested they watch a movie together. He’d picked something silly, Crossroads Jones and the Lost Diadem, a goofy old movie about an archaeologist hunting treasure. Amethyst hadn’t seen it in years. Progress! It was good, right?
So why, an hour into the movie, was Steven sitting there with his hands tightening around his mug until it cracked?
Garnet was the first to notice, of course. Amethyst watched with concern as Garnet gently removed the mug from his hands, getting up and putting it carefully in the sink. “Steven, we don’t have to watch this movie if you don’t want to.”
“Of course I want to,” he said, but his voice sounded weird, and just as he spoke the picture shorted out. He jumped to his feet and turned the TV off, looking embarrassed.
Amethyst gave Pearl a worried look, then turned back to Steven. “You okay there, bud?” she asked.
“Yes, of c --” he started to say. Then an irritated look crossed his face as if he was remembering something. “No,” he said instead.
“Thank you for telling us. Would you like to talk about it?” Pearl asked carefully. Amethyst could tell she was thinking of the house meetings they’d been having, where they’d started trying to hammer out what they could change in their own behavior to help Steven.
One of the rules Steven had given them was Just don’t... corner me. I’ll try to talk more, but I need you guys to give me space sometimes too. Amethyst relaxed as Pearl tried to look casual instead of panicky.
Good job, P.
Steven exhaled heavily. They all stared at him, then realized they were staring at him, then all looked at each other instead. Garnet removed her visor, letting it vanish in a twinkle.
“So… ugh, this is hard,” said Steven. He closed his eyes for a moment. “One of the things I’ve been, um, talking about in therapy… Dr. B’s been trying to encourage me to talk about things when they bother me, instead of pretending I’m fine.”
“We want to listen, Steven,” said Garnet, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Yeah, but… sometimes my problem is with you guys?” he said in a rush, not meeting their eyes. Amethyst watched him carefully, trying to figure out how a movie about a nerd hunting treasure had bothered him, and what it had to do with them.
“Dude, that’s okay. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we really mess up, and if we did, we want to fix it,” said Amethyst. “What did we do this time?”
Steven flinched. “You didn’t do anything today,” he said. “It’s just, the movie -- did that last scene remind you of anything?”
Pearl considered. “Well, the humans were in danger,” she said slowly. “Did that bother you? Like when we would go on missions and they would get too dangerous?” She sighed. “Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking, taking you to some of those places —“
“No, no, that’s not what I mean,” said Steven. “Not exactly. I mean, things were gonna get dangerous at some point no matter what. You guys couldn’t keep me away from Peridot and J— Homeworld stuff, that wasn’t your fault.”
“They were seeking treasure in the movie,” said Garnet, laying a hand over her mouth as she thought. “As you sought our approval. But we failed to give you what you needed —“
“Oh jeez, no,” said Steven, clearly annoyed. “No, it was —“
Amethyst exclaimed, “Oh yeah! They just almost got crushed by a giant rock in a cave! It’s like my room in that test we gave you! Oh man, did you get squished by that thing? I mean, it wasn’t supposed to actually hit you —“ She stopped, remembering that they hadn’t told him about the failsafes.
Steven gave her a pained smile. “Yeah. That’s what it reminded me of, that test. It -- uh, it didn’t go the way you guys thought it did.” He laughed, a nervous sound, and paced around the living room. His feet padded against the floor.
“What do you mean?” asked Pearl, tilting her head. “You did so well. You passed every obstacle --”
Steven shook his head. “You still won’t admit it.” His hands were fists. He slowly opened and closed them, again and again, staring at his palms. He opened his mouth. “I didn’t pass it. One of Garnet’s spikes came down on me. It would have broken some more of my bones, probably — um, I don’t remember if I told you guys, but we found that out at the hospital —“
“Your bones were broken?” Pearl yelped, thunderstruck.
“What? Seriously, what?” Amethyst squawked. “When?”
“Steven!” cried Garnet.
“I don’t know exactly,” said Steven, shrugging uncomfortably. He bit his lip. “I have some guesses? Like any time I actually had a bruise or a cut. I think my gem healed a lot of stuff right as it went down, but anything I actually remember hurting… I think it might have done really serious damage. There were x-rays… my bones have all these old fractures —“
“I’m so sorry,” gasped Garnet. She stopped leaning against the counter and stepped forward, raising her arms to give Steven a hug. He pulled away from her, shaking his head again.
“No, I mean, that stuff is bad, and we should probably talk about that too sometime, but that’s not what I was… it’s not why the mug cracked.” He waved a hand and kept pacing. “Can I just finish saying what I’m trying to say?” There was an edge in his voice, a hardness that made Amethyst wince.
“Sorry,” she said quickly.
“We’ll stop interrupting,” said Pearl, but there were big tears in her eyes. Amethyst nudged her and she wiped them away, trying to smile encouragingly at Steven.
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say — you guys rigged the test. All of it. So it didn’t work at all. That stupid rock chasing the guy in the movie, t just reminded me of that.”
“But you seemed so happy afterward!” Pearl protested.
“Yeah, you were super proud!” Amethyst said, trying to figure out why Steven was so upset. Okay, so maybe he’d realized he couldn’t really mess up the test, but why did that matter?
Garnet looked as confused as Amethyst felt. “I don’t understand,” she murmured. “I saw you passing the test, and becoming more confident in your powers, like we hoped. And you did start becoming improving so much afterwards --”
Steven held up a hand. “Maybe that’s what it looked like? But not for the reason you think. I went over this with Dr. B a week or two ago, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you guys but I think I have to, or it’s gonna keep bothering me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, sucking in deep breaths through his nose and letting them slowly out through his mouth. “It’s not just that it was rigged.”
“What do you mean?” asked Pearl.
“I sneaked out through the back of the test and made it outside into the temple. I overheard you guys --” He rubbed at his eyes. “You said you were bad at helping me. You said you didn’t know what I needed. That I couldn’t lose my confidence again. And Garnet said there wasn’t anyone like me, that there’s never been ‘anyone or anything like Steven.’”
“Oh, no, Steven, we never meant for you to hear that --” Pearl cried.
“Crap! We were bad at it!” Amethyst swore.
“And -- and I wanted to yell at you, all of you -- I was so mad you gave me another fake test, that you didn’t trust me for real -- that you wouldn’t actually ever let me fail at something --” He was pacing harder, footsteps louder on the wood floor, breathing heavily, a pink flush starting on his cheeks. “But you know what I thought? You know what I realized? I realized that there was something I could do right.”
He laughed a little, but there were tears starting in his eyes. “I realized that I had to take care of you. I couldn’t let you know that I knew. So I pretended -- I lied -- so you would all feel better.”
He sank back down onto the couch, burying his face in his hands, sniffling. “And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. Lying. Telling everyone I was fine. Pretending I never messed up. Because that way, no one would ever have to feel bad because of me.” He let out a long, shuddering sigh. “And we all know how that turned out.” He waved angrily out at the ocean.
For a moment, nobody spoke.
Amethyst stared at the floor. She could see Steven marching out of the final test chamber, his little arms and shoulders stiff, his face frozen. And they’d all been so worried that they’d messed it up again, that they were never going to be able to help him be a Crystal Gem or use his powers, and they had to figure it out. They had to help him. What if Homeworld was coming? How could they protect Steven when it was just the three of them? They had to try and help him get stronger, they had to get him to stop beating himself up. They had to help him use Rose’s powers in case he had to protect himself. But they had no idea how to do it.
She remembered how tense she’d been, how they’d all watched him approach in silence. And he’d suddenly become so happy. The way he talked up each of their parts of the test! The grin on his face, the way his eyes lit up! And Amethyst remembered how proud she’d been. How proud they’d all been, folding him into a sweeping hug, grateful that they’d finally gotten it right.
Except he lied.
“We fucked up,” Amethyst mumbled.
“Amethyst! Language!” Pearl snapped, scandalized. Then her face softened. “Yes. You’re right.”
Garnet sat on the end of the couch, folding her hands together and gazing sadly at Steven. “I didn’t know.”
“Well, I didn’t want you to,” muttered Steven. “I mean… I wish I’d been honest. Maybe it wouldn’t have messed me up so much if I’d just said something. Or if you could admit I failed. Sometimes it was scary, feeling like I could never do anything wrong because I’d disappoint you.”
It echoed in Amethyst’s mind. You all think I’m some kind of angel, but I’m not that kid anymore! She swallowed.
“Steven,” said Pearl, reaching out and gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “You were a child. We should have realized you were upset.”
“We messed up, man. We didn’t know what we were doing,” said Amethyst, leaning against Steven’s other shoulder. He leaned his cheek against hers reluctantly. “Is that why you never wanna tell us when something bothers you?”
Steven snorted. “Well, there’s a lot of reasons, but I guess that’s one of them.” His voice softened. “Like I felt like I had to take care of you. Like I was only good if I could keep you guys from feeling bad.”
“Steven, our feelings are our own,” said Garnet. “They are not your responsibility. You don’t need to protect us anymore. We should have been protecting you all along. Even from ourselves.”
“You’re right. You should have. You didn’t!” he burst out, jumping back to his feet.
They fell back against the couch, staring at him. Crap. That was another one of the rules he’d asked them to follow. Please don’t stare at me if I’m freaking out. It just makes it worse.
Amethyst tried looking out the window, but out the window she could see the ocean, and the ocean was where he’d fought the Cluster, where he’d screamed and nearly poofed them, where he’d cried in the ocean air for an hour afterwards, inconsolable --
“Why did you even want me to live with you?” he shouted, and she forgot her effort not to stare at him when she realized he was flaring pink. It glowed through his skin and hair, but his eyes weren’t diamonds, they were still Steven’s, scared and upset. “You had no idea what to do with me! You were all messed up from Mom dying! Pearl, you almost killed me more than once, Amethyst, you hated yourself so much I think I learned how to do it from you, and Garnet, you made me feel so small all the time -- I love you guys but you have to admit, my childhood was fucked up!”
He stood alone in the middle of the living room, chest heaving, pink hands curled into fists, tears streaming down his face.
“We wanted you to live here because we love you, Steven,” said Pearl, her voice shaking. “We wanted to teach you about your heritage. And we wanted to protect you.”
“I -- I know you love me, that’s not --” His voice was strangled. His hands rose up, fingers twisting into his hair as he grimaced. “Sometimes things were just so hard!” His voice rang through the stillness, a burst of energy that rippled through them all and sent the coffee table shaking, but nothing cracked. He clapped a hand over his mouth, looking panicked, his shoulders heaving.
Amethyst fought back tears of her own. Don’t make it about you, she told herself firmly. You gotta help him! “Steven?”
“Yeah?” he whispered raggedly.
“You’re right. Things sucked sometimes. And you had to go through all of that, and that sucks, too. And you’re mad because sometimes we made things worse, right?”
He nodded, staring at her with wide eyes with his mouth clamped shut.
“This is really hard for you. That’s okay. But is it cool if I do one of your exercises with you?” she asked, getting to her feet. She hoped this was the right thing to do. Steven himself had suggested it a week or two ago, but she didn’t know if it applied now. Hopefully it did.
He laughed, and it was more like a sob. “I -- I guess. Yeah. Okay.”
She took his hands in her own, trying to remember what he’d told them. “Okay, you tell me if we’re doing it right. Deep breath in?”
He took a deep breath, following her lead, and nodded slightly through his tears.
“And deep breath out?”
“Yeah,” he said softly, dropping his head so that it leaned against her own. His hands trembled in hers.
“That feels pretty good, right?” she said, trying to keep her voice strong. “Let’s do it again. Deep breath in….”
She felt a hand on her shoulder, then another on the other side. Garnet and Pearl stood on either side of her and Steven, all of them taking slow, calming breaths.
Steven lifted his head up after a few minutes, his face blotchy but peach-colored again. “You guys aren’t… mad?”
“No, Steven, we aren’t angry,” said Garnet, wiping her eyes. “We wish we’d made different choices, but we’re not upset with you. You spoke a lot of truth. I know I can seem… distant, but I never wanted to be distant from you. I wanted to protect you. I’m sorry.”
“Steven, I’m sorry too,” wept Pearl. “I’m so sorry. I should never have let my pain affect you. I just… I didn’t know what to do after your mother died. It hurt so much to talk about her, and sometimes I made choices I regret because I felt so lost --” She kissed his cheek. “I love you so much, Steven. I wish I had known how to show you that.”
“I mean, I still knew,” he said, giving her a wavering smile. “And you haven’t done anything dangerous with me in years. Unless you count Steven Tag.”
“We did go a little all-in on that, didn’t we?” Pearl mused, her tears slowing. She wiped them from her eyes, gazing fondly at him.
“It was fun, though,” he admitted. “It’s not like everything was bad, you know? It just feels that way sometimes. Especially now that I’m finally trying to figure things out in my own head. All the bad stuff feels so big it kinda overpowers everything else right now.”
“We want to help you,” said Garnet. “Even if it’s difficult for us to hear. You deserve to be able to share your feelings with us.”
“Even if it hurts,” said Pearl.
“I’m sorry, Ste-man,” said Amethyst, flinging her arms around his waist. It was still hard to believe sometimes how tall he’d gotten. “I know I had my issues. I’m sorry I let them be yours, too.”
He ruffled her hair with one hand, sighing. “Thanks. All of you.”
“How are you?” asked Pearl.
Amethyst lifted her head up from his chest, gazing up at him. Steven looked exhausted now, wiped out the way she was starting to get used to after moments like this. Moments. Fights. Venting. She wasn’t sure what to call it.
“Tired,” he said. His eyes were puffy. “I’m sor--” Another deep breath. “I’m not supposed to keep apologizing,” he said quietly. “At least not for everything. Dr. B was very clear on that.” He considered. “I’m sorry for yelling. But I’m not sorry for telling you guys why I was upset.”
“Good,” said Amethyst. “Apologizing too much isn’t healthy.”
“Pfft, you never apologize,” he chuckled.
“Dude! Did I not just apologize two seconds ago?” Amethyst cried, pretending to be mortally offended with a hand over her chest in her best Pearl impression.
“Okay, okay,” said Steven. He jammed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, then looked around at each of them in turn. “Are you guys… How are you guys?”
“You said something that needed to be said,” said Garnet. “I’m disappointed in myself, and I regret how our mistakes have affected you. But those feelings are for me to worry about, not you, Steven.” She brandished a double thumbs up at him.
“I’m sorry you were carrying around that secret for so long,” said Pearl. “We were trying so hard, and I wish -- I wish we’d done things differently. And I wish you hadn’t overheard us.”
“I’m fine,” said Amethyst. She suspected she might go into the temple later and scream her head off at how badly they’d apparently messed Steven up with that one day, a day she used to be proud of. But that was for her to deal with, and Steven to find out about never. Though what if that was part of the problem? Argh.
She amended, “I mean, I’m super bummed that our test backfired and made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us. Of course I am. And it sucks that it hurt you bad enough that a stupid movie brings all of that back for you and makes you frea-- makes you so upset.” Her words weren’t coming out right. Why was it so hard to say exactly what she felt?
She gave up and tapped Steven square in the chest. “So what do you want to do now?”
“I guess we could see how the movie ends,” said Steven, wiping his eyes. “Might as well. We’ve made it this far and it can’t be any worse than the CPH reboot.”
“Would you like some cocoa? I can make some for you,” said Pearl cheerfully, though her smile was a little too wide to be entirely genuine.
“Sure,” said Steven. He shook himself free of them and flopped back on the couch, turning the TV back on. The static was gone, the picture crisp and clear.
The movie wasn’t complicated. It was loud and ridiculous and there were too many silly stunts that humans definitely couldn’t perform on their own. It was exactly the sort of thing that was her favorite, and yet she couldn’t focus on it.
She just kept glancing up at Steven out of the corner of her eye, watching him sipping his cocoa, watching him to see if he’d really said what he needed to say. But every time she did so she fought multiple versions of him, images of younger Steven telling them, again and again, not to worry about him; images of the Steven of a month ago, glowing pink, taller than Garnet, insisting shrilly he was fine, he was fine, everything was fine; images of Steven in the temple surrounded by star-shaped balloons, his smile so wide and happy and fake.
They’d really hurt him.
More than once.
And she didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to fix things that had happened years ago, how to make up for all her flaws and Pearl’s and Garnet’s and Rose’s. All she knew was that Steven was heading into human adulthood with -- what did humans call it -- scars, scars that ran through his brain like they apparently did through his bones, and she was part of the reason why.
So she curled up against him and poked him in the side to make him laugh and fetched him more cocoa when the mug ran low. He giggled when she poked him and laughed uproariously when Crossroads Jones ran into a pit of weasels. But the rest of the time he watched the movie with little shadows under his eyes, a puffiness that hadn’t been there earlier this morning.
The movie ended, credits rolling to bombastic music as bloopers played.
“That was… a movie,” said Garnet.
“It was incredibly historically inaccurate,” said Pearl. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“It’s an action movie, P, they’re not supposed to be like real history,” said Amethyst.
“It was all right,” said Steven. “Even with… you know.” He dropped his gaze. “Thanks for listening, guys.”
“How are you feeling these days? Overall?” asked Amethyst.
She wondered what he would say. Fine! Things are so much better! I’ll be back to normal in no time! She ached, thinking of him squashing everything down again, pretending for their sake and his own.
Steven shrugged, quirking his mouth to one side as he thought about his answer. “Some days are pretty good,” he said. “Sometimes I feel like my old self again. But some days are still so hard I -- I get scared it’s going to be like that day last month. Like I’m gonna explode again into something I can’t control.” He shivered. “But most days are like… this. With parts that suck. And parts that are pretty okay. I dunno.”
“You know what I think?” asked Amethyst.
“What?”
“You just told us things are less than good. You yelled at us about something we screwed up, and yeah, it sucked to hear it, but we got it out in the open. And you’re not pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t,” she said.
Pearl and Garnet smiled at him. He didn’t return the gesture, looking confused. “So?”
“I dunno, man. To me, that seems like you’re getting better, even when it doesn’t always look like it. And hopefully… we’re getting a little bit better at helping you.”
Steven raised his eyebrows, then smiled slightly. “Huh,” he said. “I guess that’s not so bad.”
“We love you so much, Steven.”
“All of us.”
“And don’t you forget it,” said Amethyst, hugging him tightly.
He sighed contentedly, hugging her back. “Love you guys.”
She sank against him in relief. Yeah. Things were getting a little better, all the time.
#suf#steven universe#steven universe future#amethyst su#steven universe fanfic#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#it was an interesting challenge to show both steven and the gems improving#but there's still some problems in how they communicate#and that will always be true to some extent#but hopefully they can all keep getting better
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until the rain (SUF)
One week after the events of I Am My Monster. Steven is impatient to get back to normal, but the rain reminds him it’s not that easy. Connverse, angst, a tiny smidgen of hope. 2800 words.
***
It had been a week. The longest week he’d ever lived, and yet it’d slipped by in a flash, the days so brief and hazy he could barely remember them. A week since he’d transformed. A week since his sickness finally reared its head and roared its name.
He sat in his room at eleven AM, blinking sticky eyelashes and trying to convince himself to get out of bed. If he could just get out of bed instead of staying here all day, he could tell himself he was getting better. And that was what everyone wanted, right?
He was doing better, Steven thought stubbornly, rubbing his eyes. He’d realized this morning, with a hint of pride, that he hadn’t glowed pink at all since the incident. That had to count for something, didn’t it? Maybe everything’s better now everything’s out in the open, he thought, remembering what he’d sung to Pearl once. He could almost believe it if it wasn’t for the way he still felt so wrong.
It didn’t help that his body felt alien to him in a way it never had before. His clothes fit, but they didn’t. Shirts stretched weirdly over his shoulders. His jeans felt too tight, but some days too loose. He tripped over the bottoms more than once. But when he undressed at night and looked at them closely, they seemed just the same as ever. Maybe he was just getting used to being human-shaped and Steven-sized again.
Adding to his disorientation, he found that his internal clock was off. Time had gotten smudged somehow. Mornings bled into afternoons, faded into evenings and the middle of the night. He slept long parts of the day away and lay awake at three in the morning. Meals broke up the hours somewhat, but he wasn’t up to cooking anything more complicated than a protein shake yet, and sometimes the Gems would make him breakfast at noon or Greg would swing by with takeout at nine PM. He couldn’t make sense of it. Not yet.
Maybe it was just the time difference from traveling to Homeworld. Or maybe he was still wiped out from transforming. Yeah. That was probably it.
Connie told him a schedule would help, that she would sit with him and make one up with him together when he felt ready. Greg tried to rouse him for a daily jam session. The psychologist that Dr. Maheswaran had referred him to, Dr. B., had also talked with him about starting a routine, but if Steven was honest, he barely remembered their first session the other day. He’d talked a little, and the doctor had talked some, and mostly he had sat there in silence: it was all a staticky blur in his head. He wasn’t sure if it was really going to help.
Especially since his memory was just as fractured as his sense of time. He’d already lost track of how many times he’d wandered into a room just to forget what he was doing, or trailed off in the middle of a conversation, leaving Amethyst or Pearl looking at him in concern. Part of him hated those looks.
But part of him was grateful. At least they can see how messed up I am. He felt a twisted sense of relief. This had to be better than bottling everything up, forcing it to explode when the pressure got too much. If they already knew how monstrous he could be, then he wouldn’t have to convince them --
Yeah. This was better. His family knew he wasn’t okay, and that was most of the problem, wasn’t it? Now that they knew, things were sure to get better. He felt another flash of pride, looking down at his peach-toned hands, no hint of pink in them at all.
Despite his weird sleeping habits, and the way the days felt stretched too long and over too quickly, and the way his skin didn’t fit him… he was happy about that. It was proof that things could get back to normal, even if they still felt strange now.
Maybe he was going to get better after all, sooner than everyone thought. He’d always bounced back from stuff before. Maybe he’d just go to the therapist for a few weeks, and get everything figured out. Heck, maybe he could do one better, maybe he could figure this out mostly on his own. Dad and the Gems and Connie knew, and they all wanted to help, and maybe that would be fine.
Maybe that was a lot of maybes, but he tried not to think about that.
***
Late afternoon found Steven laying back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, idly petting Lion curled up on the floor beside him. He hadn’t managed to get up out of bed after all.
Beside him Lion purred. It was a low rumble vibrating in Steven’s chest, drowning out the sensation of his own heartbeat. It was comforting.
Distantly he became aware of the sound of rain against his window. For a moment, it lulled him. He’d always liked the sound of rain, the feel of the cold droplets against his skin, what the weather meant for the grass and trees and flowers. He adjusted his head against the pillow, getting drowsy, and the rain battered the side of the house --
Running in the rain, her shards jagged in his palm, his chest burning, what did he do what did he do --
He jerked out of his drowsiness, sitting bolt upright. “It’s fine,” he choked. “I’m fine --” Beside him, Lion stopped purring and raised his head, letting out a whuff sound.
Steven wavered, staring at Lion. He could ask Lion to find Connie. Maybe -- maybe he should -- but she was studying right now, wasn’t she -- wasn’t she busy --
He took a deep breath. Remembered her voice, far away and so, so close at the same time -- Steven, you must have been so scared to show us this side of yourself. Remembered her holding him later, just the two of them, when she whispered against his cheek to please stop hiding.
Okay. Okay. He could do this. Needed to do this.
“Lion?” he mumbled. “Can you see if --”
He hadn’t even finished the sentence before Lion roared and disappeared in a flash of light. Steven slumped down belly first onto the bed, staring out the rain-smeared window. He should have texted first. Or even called. She would probably send Lion straight back with a kind and apologetic text, telling him another time, telling him to talk to somebody else -- why would she want to talk to him when he was still so messed up --
“Steven?”
He blinked. Somehow he’d failed to notice Lion’s return, lost in his own thoughts. Connie sat down on the bed beside him, rubbing his back. He shivered at her touch.
“I’m sorry --” he started. Connie’s eyes flashed with sudden anger, and she leaned close to him, her eyes bright.
“Stop apologizing, Steven,” said Connie, and she looked so fierce and so worried he knew he couldn’t argue. “You needed me, right? You don’t have to be sorry about that.”
He gave her a quavering smile. “I guess I’d better listen to you, huh?”
“That’s more like it,” she said, and the fierceness slipped away, replaced with a gentle look that made his stomach flip. She swung her legs around, kicking off her shoes, and stretched out beside him, their shoulders and hips touching. She rested her chin on her fist and gazed at him, only a few inches away. “How are you today?”
He shrugged. The rain blatted against the window.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Steven closed his eyes. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl staring as he burst into the house -- where have you been when they should have been asking what have you done --
“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “It’s just… the rain… I didn’t want to be alone.”
Connie was quiet for a moment. “I thought you liked the rain.”
“It was raining when I --” His mouth stumbled, forgetting how to make familiar sounds. He was tempted not to say anything at all. But Connie met his eyes, and he felt a pang. She at least deserved to know why he’d interrupted her studying and asked her to come all the way out here.
He swallowed. “When I fought Jasper.” He didn’t say the other word.
She stiffened, just a little, and laid her head on his shoulder. “And the rain made you think of that?”
“Yeah. It was raining when I --” He took a deep breath, a question aching in his chest. “Do you want to know how it happened?”
“I do, but -- only if you’re ready to talk about it. It’s okay if you’re not.” She stretched one arm out over his back, letting it rest against him, a small but comforting weight.
“I ran away,” said Steven, burying his face in his blanket. He spoke in a rush, his voice muffled by the thick fabric. “I thought no one would look for me out in the woods where Jasper lived. I mean, why would they, right? But I thought maybe she could help me, and maybe if I could just control these Diamond powers, then everything would be better, everything would be fine.” He tensed, his hands digging into the blankets. The words tumbled out of him. “And if I couldn’t control them, then at least the only person I might hurt would be -- would be --”
Shards glinting in the rubble beneath the stormy sky -- his stomach convulsing, vomiting fish in the dirt on his hands and knees -- shrinking back to himself again, the fantasy over -- running home -- running --
“Steven?” Connie asked, worry in her voice. “You’re glowing again.”
“No!” He jerked away from her, nearly rolling off the bed in his haste. He leaped to his feet, backing away. “I -- I thought I stopped!” he gasped, staring at his luminously pink hands. “I thought it was over, I thought I was done after that day on the beach, I haven’t turned pink since then --”
Connie reached out to him and he recoiled. “You shouldn’t be around me when I’m like this -- what if I -- what if I turn into that thing again --”
“Then we’ll help you again. All of us!”
“But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to be that!” he cried shrilly, his fingers knotting themselves into his hair. He bent over, trying not to be sick. His flesh prickled -- it crawled --
Connie’s hand was light but firm on his shoulder. He heard her words tinnily, as if from a great distance. “If you don’t want to be… then you won’t, right?”
“I -- huh?” It was so hard to concentrate, his heart was trying to explode out of his chest, his face swelled and shrank like a balloon -- no, no, he thought he was getting better --
“Listen to me,” she said, and her voice cut through the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. “Before. You said you were a monster,” she said softly. “And then that’s what happened. But if you don’t want to be one -- if you remember you’re Steven -- then you’ll be Steven, right?”
“I -- I guess --”
She reached up and took his hands by the wrists, slowly bringing them down to waist level. She cradled his hands in hers as he breathed heavily, in and out, in and out, blinking back tears.
“You’re Steven,” said Connie firmly. Her thumbs traced little circles on the back of his hands, and he focused on the feeling, soft aimless patterns against his skin. His breathing slowed, a little bit, a little bit more.
“I -- I know, but -- I just wanna be okay, Connie, but I’m not --” He faltered, his protests dying in his throat. What was he trying to say? Did he even know?
Warily he remembered how he’d declared himself fine and shattered the glass in his door, and he kept his mouth closed, his lips pressed firmly together. Don’t break anything, don’t mess up, not again --
“You’re Steven,” Connie repeated. “And you’re not okay right now. But you’re going to get better. And if it takes time, it takes time, you know? It’s hard… I’m not saying it won’t be hard.” She frowned, searching for words, and he strained to listen, to understand her.
“Like, graduating from high school takes time. Even when you cram. And it’s hard and some days just don’t feel worth it and sometimes you just feel like you’re going crazy with all the stress and the expectations and --” She managed a smile, blinking back tears. “But I know I’m gonna get there if I put in the time. So maybe think of this part of your life as… helping Steven school. You’re gonna go to therapy and you’re gonna cram and sometimes it’s really gonna suck… but you’ll learn stuff. And you’ll get closer to getting better, all the time. Okay?”
He looked down at their hands. His were still pink against her brown skin. But they were the normal size, and they were steady, no longer trembling.
“That makes sense,” he mumbled. He blinked back tears, glancing away and hoping Connie didn’t notice. A memory from a few days ago flashed into his head. “It sounds kind of like what the therapist said.”
“Did you like him? Mom said she made sure to brief him on Gem stuff,” said Connie. She led him back to the bed, and they sat down on the edge, still holding hands. Steven laced his fingers into Connie’s.
“He was all right. I’m supposed to talk to him again the day after tomorrow.”
“What did he say?”
“He said…” Steven bit his lip. “He said it’s gonna take time. To get better.” He hung his head. “I just… I hoped he meant like two weeks, or a month… I could do that. But if I’m still glowing and freaking out at things now… Connie, what if this takes months? Or years? What if I never get better?”
He started sobbing then, as the pink glow faded, as Connie swept him into a bonecrushing hug. He cried into her shoulder until her shirt was damp, his chest heaving, his arms clinging around her waist. He cried like he did seven days ago, beneath a sunny sky, the sound of waves in his ears.
He didn’t know how long it was until he settled down. Connie was rubbing his back with one hand, brushing his hair away from his forehead with the other. The rain pounded on the window, drumming louder than ever.
“Thank you,” he murmured, lifting his head and scrubbing at his face with one hand.
“For what?” Connie asked, smirking. “You did all the work.”
He snorted. “If you call crying my eyes out work.”
“Well, it’s not easy, that’s for sure.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Huh.
She was right. It wasn’t easy at all.
“How do you feel?”
“Better, I guess,” Steven said truthfully. He gazed out the window at the rain and the gray-black clouds, remembering what had turned him pink. He folded his hands in his lap. “I -- I don’t think I can talk about Jasper yet,” he admitted. “I thought maybe if I just tried to talk through it, it wouldn’t be so bad… but I can’t.”
“Maybe it just takes time,” Connie said. “You don’t have to deal with everything overnight.”
“But it’s already been a week,” Steven began.
Connie raised her eyebrows at him. “Steven? How long have I known you?”
He thought back, doing the math. “Uh…. four years? Almost five?”
“And how long has messed up stuff been happening to you?”
“If you count gem stuff… about five years. If you count living in a van as a baby after my mom died giving birth to me….”
Her brow arched even higher, and he had to laugh at himself.
“... okay, yeah, seven days might not be that much time to get better from all of that.”
“You see my point then,” she said matter-of-factly. “So.” She turned and looked out at the window, watching the rain. “What do you want to do now? ”
He hugged her again. “I know I already interrupted your studying, but…. could you stay a little while? Just -- just until the rain stops?”
“Yeah,” said Connie. “I can do that.” She kissed him on the cheek, her lips warm. And he wanted to kiss her in a different way, but part of him knew he wasn’t ready, knew he wanted to get better for her before he tried.
The thought struck him, warmer and more comforting than the fact he’d avoided turning pink for a few days. It was a good thought. A brave thought. One that he held onto for a long, long time.
I want to get better.
They lay back against the blanket holding hands, glow in the dark stars on the ceiling twinkling in the dim light, the storm outside fiercer than ever. And he remembered, just a little, how he’d always liked the rain.
#steven universe future#suf#steven universe#connverse#connie maheswaran#steven x connie#connie x steven#i am my monster#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#man this took forever#really struggling with some writer's block#i blame covid grrr
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remember when? (SUF)
Steven crashes with Greg after the events of Prickly Pair, but it’s not the way it used to be. Angst, ~1000 words.
***
Greg hoped Steven would talk to him. Hoped it as hard as anything. But as the night went on, he became more uncertain he would get a word out of his son.
It wasn’t until halfway through the second sci-fi movie that Steven said anything more complicated than “hey” or “sure” or “okay.” It was mumbled quietly enough that Greg almost didn’t hear it through the scientist’s monologue about humanity making a monster. He fumbled to pause the movie as soon as he realized Steven was talking.
“Uh, thanks for letting me stay with you, Dad.” Steven didn’t look at him, though. He sat huddled against the side of the van, half wrapped in his green sleeping bag. Greg wondered when he’d outgrown the old caterpillar one.
“Steven, you know you can always stay here,” said Greg. He hoped he sounded more confident and supportive than he felt. He fought to squash down the fear that had been churning his stomach since that morning, when he’d gone over to visit Steven with a box full of vegetarian breakfast sandwiches and seen the broken house. He glanced back and saw the box still sitting in his front seat, stained with grease and forgotten after hours of trying to help Steven and the Gems clean the place up. His hands still stung from getting poked by cactus spines.
“Yeah, I know, it’s just -- I didn’t want to be there tonight.” Steven hunkered down into himself, shoulders hunching, head sinking until his neck was no longer visible.
Greg scooted beside him, reaching out to rub Steven’s back. It used to always help when Steven was a little guy, crying about a skinned knee or a broken toy. But Steven tensed under his touch, and he quickly pulled his hand away, aching.
“Do… you want to talk about it?” He remembered what Pearl had told him earlier today. Greg, we’re all so worried about Steven. That cactus monster could talk. Steven accidentally taught it to repeat everything he said, and it was so angry at us, but he still won’t tell us what’s wrong --
Steven shrugged, gazing out the window into the dark. Beyond his profile Greg could see just a hint of the streetlight near the car wash. It bathed the edge of Steven’s face in an unhealthy amber glow.
“What’s to say? I screwed up. Again. I should have been more careful.”
“Again?” asked Greg cautiously, confused. Screwed up? He could hardly think of anyone who’d screwed up less in their life.
“I just -- you know, like when I was a kid. Losing control of my powers. Now the house is all smashed up, the Gems are mad at me, and it’s my fault.” Steven rubbed his face, then leaned against the wall of the van, away from Greg. “I don’t really want to talk about it. Can you put the movie back on?”
“It was an accident,” said Greg, as gently as he could. The fear in the pit of his stomach weighed more heavily than ever. He’d never seen Steven stay so down on himself for more than a few minutes, but he’d been like this all day, sullen, evasive, angry at himself. Nothing Greg said seemed to be helping, and Steven had barely said more than a word to the Gems all day. He made another attempt. “Everyone makes mistakes. We all know you didn’t mean for the house to get destroyed. Don’t be so hard on yourself, kiddo.”
“I’m not a kid --” Steven let out a frustrated noise. “Look, I should know better. I can’t be careless like that again.” His shoulders trembled. “I could hurt someone.”
“But you wouldn’t,” Greg insisted. “Hey. Look at me.”
Steven turned to look at him, but it was only out of the corner of his eye, half of his face still in shadow. His expression was wary, like he was waiting for an attack. Aghast, Greg gazed back at him. What was happening to Steven?
“What’s this really all about? We used to be able to talk, Schtu-ball,” Greg tried. “Your old man’s here for you. If you can’t talk to the Gems, why don’t you try me?”
Steven closed his eyes, a short, bitter laugh escaping him. “There’s a lot I never told you, Dad.” He laid down in his sleeping bag and pulled the cover over his head until just a few dark curls stuck out. “Whatever. I’m really tired,” he said, voice muffled. “Night.”
“Okay, ki-- Steven,” said Greg, defeated. His eyes burned. He hit the play button, and the scientist went back to warning about the looming threat. The TV’s light flickered in black and white over the lumpy sleeping bag beside him.
The monster ravaged the city and the scientist wailed about the doom of humankind. Greg wasn’t paying attention. He simply sat there, watching Steven’s chest rise and fall beneath his sleeping bag. Half an hour passed, and Steven still wasn’t asleep. Just pretending to be.
The movie ended. The world was saved, or maybe it wasn’t. Greg wasn’t sure. Mechanically he turned off the TV, leaving only a thin sliver of amber streetlight inside the van. He laid down against his thin mattress, pulling the blankets over himself and staring up at the darkened ceiling.
He listened to his son breathe, an unending series of carefully measured breaths, in and out. None of Steven’s usual gentle snoring, though.
How long had it been since it was just the two of them in the van? This old van had seen so much laughter, heard so many songs, been there for so many moments between them. Yet it had been years since they’d really been here together, he thought. Years of Steven growing, changing, saving the day, saving the world. Steven had gone through so much more than Greg had ever wanted him to face, so much more than they could have ever prepared him for. And Greg had missed far more than he’d ever realized.
There’s a lot I never told you.
His fingers curled around his blanket, hands tensing until his palms ached. It felt like there were still a few cactus spines embedded in his fingertips. He had to try again to reach him, to help.
“Steven?” he whispered into the dark, hoping, hoping for an answer. For the answer.
He waited. The only reply was the steady breathing of a stranger.
#steven universe future#suf#steven universe#greg universe#prickly pair#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#su
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Comminuted (1/4)
SUF. Steven and Greg try to deal with the devastating revelations in “Growing Pains.” Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4
(Comminuted: describing a skeletal fracture that breaks the bone into two or more pieces.)
***
The rest of the hospital visit was a blur. Later, Steven could only remember fragments, snapshots. It was probably better that way.
Fragment: Dr. Maheswaran asking if he was all right, asking if she had his permission to talk to Greg. Steven didn’t understand why she was bringing it up. Couldn’t she just tell his dad? Why did she need to ask? He mumbled yes. Signed a paper, no star over the i in Universe, just a scribble. He thanked her, he thought, he hoped.
Fragment: getting dressed alone in the exam room, hoping his clothes would hold him, hoping he could get home before any of this happened again. Maybe it won’t, he tried telling himself, but his skin flared pink at the thought, and it took what seemed an endless minute of breathing hard with his eyes closed before his gem quieted and he seemed human again.
Fragment: saying goodbye to Connie, ashamed of everything he’d done, every way he was messing up She hugged him for only a second before she asked if she should stay. His skin felt electrified near her, zipping and sparking, the jolts sinking into muscle and bone and gem. He was so glad she still cared about him. He was so agonized to be near her.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow. I’m sorry.” She kissed him on the top of his head (where the fractures are, he thought dazedly), and electricity arced through him. He shuddered, and she held him, and haltingly he asked her to go.
Fragment: Greg bundling him out of the hospital room, tugging his jacket straight over his shoulders, leading him out through the front lobby. “Where’d you park, kiddo?” Steven gesturing, Greg walking him step by step to his car. “I’ll drive. Sadie and Shep are dropping off the van for me.”
Fragment: the streets of Beach City passing by, washed out blurs and houses in stark relief, the window open, the wind on his face. His eyes watered. The wind pulled the tears away, dried them from his cheeks. Sadie Killer in the tape deck, his dad humming along, touching Steven’s shoulder at stoplights to check in.
At least somebody knows, he thought, and he tried to breathe deeply through the blurring tears.
The car stopped, and Steven blinked in surprise. “We’re home,” said Greg simply, giving him a small, worried smile. His eyes looked puffy, dark circles under them.
“Dad, are you okay?”
Greg went still. Then his smile bloomed, a bigger brighter thing, and he chuckled warmly. “Steven, don’t worry about me. I’m here for you.” Steven closed his eyes, guilt shifting into something gentler. Relief. Gratitude.
“If you say so,” he said jerkily, trying to remember how to be normal. They got out of the Dondai and Greg handed the keys back to Steven.
“Here ya go. Thanks for letting me take her for a spin again.”
“Heh. Right,” said Steven, the laugh forced. They both looked away.
They took the path to the house, but as they strode into view of the front windows, Steven remembered the last few miserable days with a burst of horror. “Oh, Dad — I’m sorry. The place is a mess. I just… I didn’t feel like cleaning up. You don’t have to come in --”
“Nice try, Steven,” said Greg, pushing the door open. The open doorway revealed a living room full of empty ice cream containers, discarded food packages, and the freezer door still on the floor in the kitchen where he’d dropped it. Everything inside was thawing. A puddle spilled out onto the kitchen floor, and with a stab he saw the red glow bracelet still nestled among expired Cookie Cats, its color dimming.
That sensation, now all too familiar. He shivered, hands flashing pink, a foot swelling up and shrinking back down just as quickly. He kicked off his shoes.
“Steven, it’s okay!” Greg said sharply. He took Steven by the elbow and led him to the couch, and Steven sagged against his father, letting him guide him. “Come on. Take a seat.”
Numbly Steven followed him, sitting down hard enough on the couch he felt the cushion deform under his enhanced weight. He took a deep breath, struggling. “I can’t do anything right,” he whispered. “I messed up the fridge -- I messed up the house -- I messed up things with Connie --”
Greg hugged him, hard. The pink beneath his skin faded, leaving something that looked like human hands again. He gulped, his breathing ragged.
“Listen to me,” said Greg, still holding him. Steven remembered when he was little, when a hug from his dad seemed to guard him against everything scary. The hug still felt good. But it was a thinner shield than it used to be.
“I know it feels like the end of the world,” Greg said softly. “But it’s okay to make mistakes. No one gets life right on the first try... I certainly didn’t. But that doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Really?” His voice was small, quiet enough that Greg seemed to strain to hear him.
“It just makes you human, Schtu-ball.”
“Human,” Steven croaked. “Huh.” The word felt foreign, fuzzy, wrong in his mouth. Like it didn’t apply to him anymore.
“Yeah. You might be a Crystal Gem, but you’re also still a Universe.”
“DeMayo Universe,” said Steven tiredly, and this time he smiled. It was small and clumsy, but it was better than the tensed expression his face had seemed stuck in. He leaned against his dad, trying to focus on how heavy Greg’s arm was on his shoulders, how warm he was, how he was solid enough to lean on. It helped.
“See? Spoken like a true human,” said Greg. He gave Steven’s shoulders a squeeze, and lifted his arm away. “Now... you need to rest. Things have been really hard for you, and I need you to take it easy. Are you hungry?”
“I dunno,” said Steven, trying to think of when the last time he had eaten was. His face burned, remembering ice cream spilled on the floor.
“Well, let me know when you are, I’ll make something. And then I’ll just do a little tidying up in the meantime. No big deal. Want me to bring the TV down here? We can hang.”
“Don’t go up there!” Steven pleaded. “I’m sorry, it’s such a mess --”
Greg swallowed, looking Steven in the eyes. “There’s nothing up there that could make me think less of you, Steven. Let me give you a hand.”
Steven hesitated. If his dad insisted… “Okay. But let me carry the TV for you. It’s really heavy.”
“Deal.”
They walked up the stairs together, Steven’s stomach twisting. If Greg was disappointed in him for the mess he’d left, he didn’t show it. He just cheerfully gathered some of Steven’s movie collection while Steven unplugged the TV and carried it downstairs. He set it up on the coffee table while Greg laid out the videos.
“Anything sound good in particular? We can put something on while I clean up a little. There’s always Dogcopter --”
Steven winced, remembering what he’d watched that morning. Everyone’s getting married but me! It sounded so childish, looking back. What had he been thinking? Tears pricked at the edges of his eyes again. He was getting sick of them.
“No, I don’t feel like Dogcopter,” he managed. “Maybe Koala Princess. It’s been a while.” He rummaged in the tapes and DVDs until he found a season of Koala Princess. He never did wind up giving it back to Ronaldo. He loaded it up and it sparkled cheerfully from the screen in pink and sparkles and giggles. Fine.
Steven pulled up his legs and curled up on the couch. He crossed his arms over his middle and rested his head on a pillow, burrowing into the couch cushions. He was almost comfortable, like that.
“Steven?” Greg asked, but he’d already fallen asleep.
#steven universe future#suf#steven universe#greg universe#growing pains#angst#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic
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searching (SUF)
A log of the recent search and purchase history of Steven Universe. Starts fluffy. Gets angsty.
Buystuff.com
pink jacket
ukulele strings (soprano)
guitar picks, 50-count, star design
picture frames
flowerpots
potting soil
razor replacement blades
Dogcopter VII special edition Blu-ray
cat food fish and chicken flavor
fancy macaroni and cheese recipes
what happened to snakes’ arms
weather forecast for Beach City
Fish Stew Pizza mobile order
long-distance satellites
how does cell phone reception work
space camp
freeze-dried ice cream
how to flirt
how to ask your best friend out on a date
first date ideas
how to stop thinking about bad memories
how to help someone through trauma
how to help someone make friends
how to deal with your mom’s mistakes
how to test for toxins in soil and water
how to make extra spit
college prep classes
calculus
calculus summary
pre-calculus
what is calculus even for
Fish Stew Pizza mobile order
how to teach people
how to teach classes
how to introduce people to Earth
how to introduce people to America
what do you need for school supplies
how to make a good school experience
how to be a good role model
Buystuff.com
whiteboards and dry erase pens
3-ring binders, 1.5”, 100
notebook paper, college ruled, 100-count, 40 packs
no. 2 pencils, box of 100, 10 boxes
unbreakable pencils
motivational posters
gold star stickers, 1000-count, 10 packages
Spacetries
Keep Beach City Weird updates
Fish Stew Pizza mobile order
Dondai Supremo car maintenance and repair
Delmarva driver’s manual
Ocean Town DMV appointment
Buystuff.com
latex gloves, 100-count, medium, pack of 10 boxes
reusable water bottles, 6-pack
old-fashioned doctor hat thingy
white doctor’s coat
how to talk to difficult people
why do people isolate themselves
why do people skip school
blue beetle species Delmarva
are there any endangered beetles in Delmarva
how strong are trees
how hard is it to break a tree
how hard is it to break a tree in real life not anime
how long do trees live
what does a guidance counselor do
how much does a roller coaster cost
is Funland in Beach City insured
how to repair a roller coaster
Sadie Killer and the Suspects concert schedule
Fish Stew Pizza mobile order
when is Dogcopter VIII coming out
Dogcopter VIII spoilers
painting frames
where to hang paintings
how to deal with awkward family reunions
how to say no to people
sibling relationships
long-lost siblings
what are sisters like
how to be a good brother
is volleyball a violent game
how to fix psychological trauma
how to heal old scars
what counts as insomnia
how to deal with insomnia
Buystuff.com
French press
dark roast coffee 16oz bag, package of 4
coffee mug, Crying Breakfast Friends
sugar cubes, 100-count, 3 boxes
anger management
how to stop nightmares
what do bad dreams mean
how do you get people to leave you alone
what do you wear to prom
what is a prom
Buystuff.com
pink formal tuxedo
returned: pink formal tuxedo
black formal tuxedo
black dress shoes
pink lapel flowers
how to stop being angry all the time
how to be a good kisser
how to impress someone’s parents
how to impress your girlfriend’s parents
cool jokes for parents
how to make your girlfriend’s parents think you’re smart
what does waking up in the middle of the night mean
normal teenage moods
normal lion lifespan
normal human heart rate
would you want to live forever
how to stop hurting people
how to live with yourself
how to deal with a bad mom
how to get better
how to be a good boyfriend
date ideas
Dogcopter VIII reviews
Ocean Town Theater movie tickets
Crab Shack dinner reservations
how to apologize
apology examples
how to apologize to everyone
how to stop fucking up
how to fix yourself
what’s wrong with me
Buystuff.com
adult size sleeping bag
one person tent
maps of Delmarva
where are isolated areas in Delmarva
where does cell service stop in Delmarva
meditation
advanced meditation
meditation not working
how to stay calm
how to control yourself
how to change yourself
how to be somebody else
#steven universe#steven universe future#steven universe future spoilers#connverse#steven quartz universe#fanfoolishness steven universe fic#angst#fluff#sutm#steven universe the movie
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black ink on white paper (SUF)
Several weeks into his road trip, Steven makes sure to keep up with his mental health. A lot of angst and a little hope, therapy, 4800 words.
***
Steven futzed about with his phone, trying to find the best place to rest it for his therapy session. He tried balancing it on his half-filled journal, but thought better of it in case he decided he wanted to refer to its pages during the session. He moved the journal to the side on the nightstand, leaving it where he could get to it quickly if needed. He finally leaned his phone against the hotel room’s beige lamp and angled it to center his face in the camera’s view. He always felt a little uncomfortable with this bit, looking at his face blown-up on the screen until Dr. Boverman appeared.
A ding, and Dr. B smiled at Steven, his broad face filling up most of the screen and creasing into a smile. Steven’s image shrank down, disappearing to the corner where he could avoid looking at it more easily.
“Hi there, Steven. How’s your week been?”
Steven settled in, trying to organize his thinking. As usual he landed on the most mundane things first. It was always easier to get started this way.
“Pretty good. I’m in Texahoma. It’s really different from back home.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” he said, chuckling to himself. “It’s hot! The Dondai’s AC is working overtime just to keep things semi-comfortable. I can still feel the sun beating down on me through the glass, though. And this state is so huge! I mean, I got through Delmarva in like three hours. This is day two of Texahoma and I’m still not through yet.”
“Are you liking it? I’ve never been,” said Dr. B.
“I think so. Some of the accents here are kind of a lot to get used to but the people are friendly. There’s not as many vegetarian food options as I’d like but I’ve had some of the best mac and cheese ever here, and I did find one vegetarian barbecue joint that… wow, it was good. Really good.”
“You’re making me hungry!” Dr. B laughed.
Heartened, Steven grinned. He liked this part of his therapy sessions, normal chatting, like he wasn’t someone with a problem (a hundred thousand problems) trying to work it out. He wasn’t friends with Dr. B -- he knew that wasn’t how it was supposed to be -- but it felt friendly, and familiar, all the same. He continued.
“Then I wound up on a side road for a couple of hours and saw some real cowboys. And some real cows -- they’re huge in real life! Kind of terrifying, actually! There was this one time when I was a kid that we played cowboys out in the wilderness for a while, Dad and Amethyst and Ruby and me, but I don’t think it was the same. I was mostly going off of comic book cowboys. Still a lot of fun, though.”
Dr. B raised an eyebrow. “Ruby was there, but not Sapphire?”
Steven had been surprised at how quickly Dr. B had picked up on the intricacies of his family. He wasn’t used to human acquaintances knowing that Garnet was a fusion, or that some of his closest friends had previously tried to kill him. It was weird, but nice to not have to explain it freshly every time.
“Yeah. That was when Garnet fell apart about Mom being Pink Diamond.” He sighed. He supposed it was going to be a Rose day, then. He hadn’t been planning on it, but that part about cowboys had pushed him here, somehow. It was always strange to him how so often their therapy sessions took a completely different direction than he’d expected.
“She fell apart? Does that mean she -- unfused -- willingly? Or it was an accident?”
Steven’s lips thinned into a narrow line. “An accident, I guess. It was pretty awful for her to learn that Mom was such a liar.” He stared up at the ceiling, remembering how Sapphire had dissolved into tears and fled, how Amethyst had held Ruby, how Pearl had looked so ashamed. “That… was a rough day for them.”
“What about for you?”
Steven smiled a little. “You always ask that.”
“Have you noticed how your memories are often framed by how others reacted, instead of yourself?”
Steven fiddled with his hands, fingers twisting around each other. He didn’t look at the screen. “I know. You’ve pointed it out before. I know it’s a pattern.”
“It’s one we can try to unlearn. Or at least take note of. What did that day feel like for you, Steven?”
“Um… really weird, initially. I mean, I had to ask Pearl if she was the one who shattered Pink Diamond because she couldn’t speak about it at all, because Mom ordered her not to, and I only knew to ask because of a dream I had that must have been like an echo from my gem, and Pearl still couldn’t tell me even when I asked her so she had to take me back inside of her gem… it was really trippy. And I had to keep going back through all of her repressed war memories -- you know, Pearl could really use therapy, too -- until finally I got to the one she wanted me to see, and then --”
He took a deep breath, seeing Rose shift back into her Diamond form, towering over him and Pearl. “I knew it was going to be bad. Pearl liked to keep scary stuff from me but she would tell me if I kept asking. For her to not even be able to tell me -- like, she kept slamming her hands over her face so that she couldn’t open her mouth -- come on, that couldn’t be anything good.”
“Did that make things more frightening for you? Was she doing that on purpose?”
“I don’t think she could control it. I think Mom’s order to her was that powerful,” said Steven. “I think it’s a Diamond thing, though at least that’s something I’ve never done.” You’ve done plenty, his brain said, but Steven tried to ignore it. “For example, Mom ordered her playmate Spinel to stay in the garden, and she stayed. For six thousand years. I don’t think there was really a choice involved.” He frowned, waving a hand. “She always did what she wanted.”
“Rose did, you mean.”
“Yeah. Like, why couldn’t she have at least told Garnet? Or Amethyst? The war was over. It wasn’t like she still had a whole army she had to command after the Diamonds attacked. Why not at least tell the people she said she loved? She never told Dad, either. If she had told somebody else, then Pearl wouldn’t have had to carry that secret around for so long. Did she ever think about what that was doing to her?” Steven spat. “Pearl was a mess.”
“It sounds like Pearl had a very difficult time dealing with her own role in the war, as well as what your mother asked of her,” said Dr. B gently. “But what about you?”
“Damn it, I’m doing it again!” Steven laughed, but it was one of those laughs that wasn’t really one. “I don’t know. I… I was scared? Pink Diamond was small compared to Blue and Yellow and White, but she was still huge compared to me and Pearl in that memory, and seeing Mom shift from Rose to Pink -- I don’t know if my stomach ever hurt so bad, so suddenly. It was hard to breathe. But I didn’t have time to think about that because suddenly we were back, and I told everyone what I saw.”
“How did you feel after Garnet and Amethyst found out?”
“I just wanted to focus on them. Sapphire was so upset, and then Ruby ran off, and Amethyst kept annoying me, trying to cheer me up. I had to fix them, you know? I had to get everything back to normal, everything that Mom had messed up, again.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, balling them into fists.
“You were…. How old were you when you found this out?”
“Fourteen,” said Steven, thinking back.
“And who was responsible for the deception?”
“Well, Mom, of course.”
“Why did you feel that you had to fix what she did?”
“No one else was going to do it,” said Steven. He ran a hand over his face, his breathing coming more quickly. He swallowed. “It always had to be me. They needed me. Pearl couldn’t tell anyone until I asked her who shattered Pink Diamond. Garnet wasn’t there and Ruby and Sapphire didn’t know what to do without each other. Amethyst at least tried to talk to me, but… I was too worried about everyone else.”
“How did she try to reach you?” Dr. Boverman asked gently.
“She kept trying to distract me from looking for Ruby. She took me out for pizza. She straight up asked me how I was doing at one point... but then she stopped asking.” Steven squirmed uncomfortably. “I didn’t really tell her. I wanted her to tell me how she was doing. I didn’t really know how I was doing myself.”
“Do you know now?”
Steven fell silent. He leaned back against the pillows on the bed, taking long breaths. Why was this question always so hard? What was wrong with him, that he didn’t even know how he felt about important things in his own life?
“No,” he said softly. “It’s like I don’t feel anything -- or I feel everything, when it comes to her.”
Dr. B considered his words, tilting his head to one side and pursing his lips. “What does ‘everything’ feel like?”
Steven buried his face in his hands. “Arrrgh.”
“If this is too difficult right now, we can --”
“No, we’re already here,” Steven muttered. “It’s just --” He struggled for the words, a torrent of them flooding through his mind. His gem hummed. He knew without looking he was glowing pink, his heart starting to race, but at least his body was staying its normal size. He took a few more deep breaths. Why not. Maybe it won’t be so bad.
“Sometimes I feel so sorry for her,” he whispered through his hands. “The Diamonds used to lock her up and make her cry, sometimes for the stupidest things -- wanting to play with animals, or wanting to be friends with her Pearl. It could have been hundreds of years or longer they locked her away. How do you not feel bad for someone who went through that when they were just trying to be themselves?”
He lifted his head, lowered his pink hands to his lap. Dr. B peered at him sympathetically through the screen. It had frightened both of them the first time he glowed in a session, but slowly they’d worked to a place where Steven could accept it as a sign he was upset, like crying or blushing. His hand formed a clenched fist, then relaxed again, still pink.
“But sometimes I hate her so much,” he breathed. “She took all that pain the Diamonds put on her and she cracked her Pearl in a tantrum. Volley still has a scar on her face from it, and Gems don’t do that, they don’t get scars you can see unless it’s something incredibly bad. Like your owner you were in love with cracking you with a scream. She hurt Volley, she hurt Pearl by making her pretend to shatter her and keep the secret for thousands of years… she lied to Garnet and Amethyst and Dad, she never even thought about telling me the truth, and how many Gems were shattered? How many Gems were corrupted? She hurt so many people. And sometimes I’m scared that I’m just like her -- or worse -- I mean, I’m a shatterer --”
Tears stung and he blinked them back. His hand swelled, a fist three times its normal size. He stared hard at it, muttering under his breath. I’m having that scared feeling again. It’s okay to feel scared. It’s not me.
He wiped his eyes with his other hand, trying to focus. It’s just a feeling that I’m having right now, but it’s temporary. it’s gonna go away. All feelings do. He flexed his fingers slowly, and the fist shrank back down to normal size, the pink color fading.
“This is really frightening for you to think about,” said Dr. B in his steady voice. “But you were able to look at yourself starting to glow and swell, and you were able to bring yourself back to a more neutral state. You’re doing really well, Steven.”
Steven gave him a watery smile. “Thanks. I -- it does get easier. I try to think about what you told me. I’m not my feelings, they’re not bigger than me, they do go away eventually. That helps a lot.”
“That’s right,” Dr. B encouraged. “You’re Steven. You have big feelings, but they don’t define you. You can step outside of them and look at them from a safe distance, while still allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge them.”
“Yeah,” said Steven, the tightness in his chest loosening a little. “Yeah.”
“You brought up the shattering, which we know is one of your triggers. Do you want to carefully investigate it today, or do you want to continue speaking about your mother?”
“I --” He considered. Jasper-focused sessions always left him drained, fragile, usually for days at a time. Sometimes he craved that, needed it badly, needed to let himself feel and accept just what a terrible thing he’d done --
But some days it didn’t feel right to focus on the accident. Sometimes it got in the way of other work. And as he well knew… there was a lot of work to do.
“I don’t think it’s a Jasper day,” he said carefully. “I mean, we could -- but I think I need to talk more about Mom, today.”
“Okay, let’s keep talking about Rose. What makes you think you might be worse than your mother? You said yourself that many Gems were shattered in the war that she started.”
Steven shrugged. “She’s not the only one who lies. Or hurts people.” He stared past his phone at the blank hotel wall, finding it hard to focus. The wall slipped and blurred. He remembered waves against his waist, a roar in his throat, the way the town seemed so small. He remembered a monster’s agony. His agony.
“What if they hadn’t figured out how to get me out of my meltdown? I could have hurt the town, I could have hurt everyone -- They wouldn’t have been soldiers who got hurt, you know?”
“They did figure out how to help you. You told me yourself that no one in the town and no one in your family was hurt,” said Dr. B. “But it’s true that sometimes we do hurt others -- all of us. What’s important is that we take steps to avoid hurting others when we can. If we still hurt them, by accident or by making an unhealthy choice, we can make amends by changing our behavior to prevent it happening again. Which you’re doing. Right now. You are actively working to change your behavior not only to avoid hurting others, but also to avoid hurting yourself.”
“I guess,” he said. “It still feels weird to think about protecting myself. I mean, not with my shield or a bubble, but… emotionally. Sometimes I think about the stuff I did to try and help other people, and it would hurt me so bad but I’d just keep smiling… it’s so messed up.” He let out a soft huff of breath. “Can I tell you something? That I never told anyone?” It was funny, given all the terrible things Steven had already told him over the past several months, but it still made him feel better to ask permission. Like he was subconsciously trying to make sure he wasn’t going to hurt Dr. B, telling him about these things.
Dr. B’s kind eyes watched him. “Of course.” He always said yes.
“Ruby and Sapphire got married just a few days after she found Mom was Pink Diamond. After Pearl and I talked to them they decided to come back together and be Garnet for themselves, not for Mom or for anyone else. And I was so, so happy that everything I did, trying to help Sapphire understand Mom and Pearl, going on the cowboy trip with Ruby, pretending I was okay -- I was so happy that it worked. That Garnet was going to come back.”
Dr. B nodded. Steven fidgeted. This part was… embarrassing. But it felt right to say it, here, now, in a hotel room far away from Beach City and Rose Quartz’s memory and his family.
“I cried in the shower for almost an hour on the wedding day,” Steven mumbled. “I walked into the bathroom so excited to put on my tux and officiate the wedding and see everyone happy again, and as soon as I got in the shower I just… I lost it. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I just did, like a little kid, and I was glad that the water was so noisy because it meant that no one would hear me and ask me how I was doing.”
“Why were you glad that no one would ask how you were doing?”
“I don’t know,” said Steven, but he had a guess, one that hurt. He hazarded it. “It’s like… except a few times from Amethyst, no one did ask me how I was doing all week. Not Pearl, not Ruby or Sapphire, not even my dad! And when I was crying in the shower, I guess I thought -- maybe the reason they weren’t asking was because I was just really good at hiding it. And that would be okay. That would hurt less than… them not asking because they didn’t even think about asking me.”
For a moment Dr. B was silent. Then he spoke. “It sounds to me like you were trying to take control of the situation,” he said. “If you were good at hiding your feelings, then of course your family wouldn’t ask how you were doing. That would make it your responsibility, your choice: your actions were what you could control.” He adjusted his glasses and leaned in closer to the screen. “Steven, their actions were never your responsibility. It was their responsibility to check in with you, and they failed you at a time you needed support.”
“They just -- they were going through a lot --” he began automatically.
“She was your mother, Steven. The way you felt about her absolutely should have been explored. But your family chose not to reach out to you and help you, whether by mistake or on purpose, and it’s okay to be angry at them about it.”
“I’m not --”
“Steven, you’re glowing again,” said Dr. B, in his calm, neutral voice.
Steven laughed, a jagged sound, and caught sight of his image in the corner of the screen, pink and luminous and significantly bigger than it had been a moment ago. “I guess I am.”
“How do you feel?”
Deep, careful breaths. Words came, slowly, to the surface of his mind, syllables to rearrange into meaning. “Hurt. Ignored. Mad. Disappointed. With all of them.”
“All of who?”
“Garnet. Amethyst. Pearl. My dad.” His breathing started picking up, faster and faster. “Why didn’t they think that would mess me up?” he cried. “I mean, really, what the hell? Oh hey, Steven, your mom is an intergalactic dictator, she started a war against herself and got thousands of Gems shattered or corrupted! You’ve heard about how bad Homeworld and the Diamonds were for years, but whoops, your mom’s one of them! And now you have to deal with how her lies screwed up all her friends because you’re always the one to deal with her shit! But you’re fine with it, right? You’re Steven! Nothing ever bothers you, right? Right?”
He was near sobs now, his breathing ragged, his shoulders shaking. He felt himself growing, the top of his hair brushing the ceiling --
“Steven, I need you to breathe with me,” said Dr. B’s voice, faint from the distance below. “You can do this. Return to your center.”
Right, right. You know what to do. And he did, his eyes falling closed, tears drying on his cheeks as he breathed. It’s okay to have this feeling. And it will go away. His hands steadied. The hum in his ears faded, retreating until he heard Dr. B’s voice clearly through the phone.
“Steven?”
He opened his eyes, grabbing at the phone with his normal-sized, non-glowing hand. He let out a quavery laugh. “I -- I feel like I found a sore spot,” he admitted. “But… I think I was able to deal with it a lot better than a few months ago.”
“Absolutely,” said Dr. B warmly. “I can see you’ve been practicing your breathing and your centering techniques. Remember, these tools provide a way to help keep your feelings from harmfully affecting your powers, but the feelings themselves are not the problem.”
“Right.”
“How are you feeling now?”
“The same, but… not so overwhelmed? Mostly just upset that I had to go through that. Alone,” he said. He rubbed his shirt, readjusting it from where it had stretched to accommodate his sudden increase in size. “I wish I could have talked to you a long time ago.”
Dr. B smiled, nodding. “It’s a common sentiment,” he said. “We can’t undo the past, but I’m glad we’re able to speak now.”
“Me too.” He let out a long, rattling sigh. “Ugh. I just wish… I’d known more of this stuff. That it wasn’t okay for my family to act that way. That it was okay to be upset about Mom, and scared that I was gonna be like her. And I wish I’d known there are other ways to fix problems besides trying to make everyone else happy. Maybe sometimes we just need to feel terrible about terrible things.”
“That’s one of the things about being human, Steven. Painful emotions, like fear, or hatred, or sorrow, are important. There are times they absolutely need to be felt and acknowledged, instead of covering them up with band-aids.”
“Or weddings,” he mumbled, remembering his cheerful song about love, a glow bracelet shining between his clasped hands. His eyes pricked with tears he blinked away.
“You were trying to make the problem go away the only way you knew how,” said Dr. B. “And you didn’t have anyone to show you a different way. That isn’t messed up; it’s a coping mechanism for trauma. Your toolbox was very limited, but now you’re working to find ways to deal with those problems that don’t leave you hiding your feelings and not addressing them.” He tilted his head, considering. “From what you’ve told me, that’s something that makes you very different from your mother.”
“I know I’m trying -- I’m working really hard!” And he was, too, wasn’t even a question, he had gotten so much better. But still -- “What if it’s not enough? What if I’m still too much like her?” Steven asked, wincing at the answer he might get back.
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” said Dr. B, and Steven stared at him in surprise. “I want you to know that it’s not the worst thing in the world to have similarities to a family member, even when you dislike or no longer admire them. Being like her in some ways doesn’t mean you can’t make different choices. And even with all of her flaws and mistakes, there may have been some good qualities that you share with her, too. Can you think of any?”
Steven thought, screwing his face up in concentration. “She really did love the Earth. The plants, the mountains, the people… she really did want to save them. Everybody said so… and it’s one of the few things that didn’t turn out to be a lie.”
“And how do you feel about the Earth?”
Steven grinned, the smile a little pained at first, then growing more genuine. “It’s… awesome.” He let out a long sigh, remembering how he’d driven out to eat breakfast at a nearby diner, and in the parking lot --
“I saw these amazing birds today on the telephone wires. Uncle Andy gave me a bird guide for my trip… they’re called scissor-tailed flycatchers. They have these incredible tailfeathers and they just look so beautiful when they fly away. I’ve never seen a bird like that before.” He could see them clearly in his mind’s eye, reddish-pink sides, smooth gray and white faces, impossibly long, elegant tailfeathers in black and white. “I think Mom would have thought they were great. And I guess… I guess that’s not such a bad thing to share with her.”
“You don’t have to love her or forgive her. But you don’t have to hate the parts of her that you see in yourself. It’s not bad at all to appreciate natural wonders and wildlife,” said Dr. B. “Send me a picture of these birds! They sound beautiful..”
“Yeah, I can do that,” said Steven. “”Maybe I’ll see some more of them tomorrow. I should get through Texahoma tomorrow and into Saguaro. Should see some interesting desert stuff.” He felt a small pang at the thought of Cactus Steven, but hoped that seeing other cacti -- content and happy and most importantly immobile -- might ease that particular hurt a little.
He glanced at the top of his screen and saw with surprise it had already been an hour. “Huh, I guess it’s that time already.”
“I expect a full report of your trip next week,” said Dr. B, pulling out his calendar. “What day works for you?”
Steven flipped through his calendar app quickly, scrolling past his next date with Connie -- only two days to go! -- a visit to Lars, and a planned video chat with Peridot. He swiped back to Dr. B. “How about Thursday? Ten AM? Next week’s actually pretty full up with friend stuff. And --” He hesitated, then continued. “It’s been a while since I talked to Dad and the Gems, but I’m thinking I might hold off on a video call for another week. Just… we talked about a lot today. I need to think about stuff for a while before I talk with them again.”
“I think that sounds like a good idea to take some time to yourself to process things,” said Dr. B. “It’s perfectly okay to let them know you’re busy this week but will be in touch again soon.”
“I think I will.”
“I’m glad to hear you have some other friend meetups planned, though. Lars and Connie?”
“Good guesses,” said Steven, giving him a tired smile. “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be a good week. I’ll keep up with my meditation and my journal. Gotta get back on the exercise train, though. It’s been so hot I haven’t felt like it.”
“Take care of yourself, Steven. Don’t forget about swimming or yoga as low-impact options. Feel free to call before your visit if anything changes, and we’ll talk next week.” Dr. B waved, and Steven waved back as the call ended.
He sent Dr. B a picture of the scissor-tailed flycatchers, smiling to himself, then sent the same picture to Uncle Andy and Greg. Maybe he’d really talk to Dad again in a week or two, just… not yet.
He flopped back onto the bed, letting his arms splay out to the side, his fingers uncurling, the tension slowly starting to fade from his arms and shoulders and toes.
He closed his eyes. How did he feel?
He asked himself after every session, another of Dr. B’s ideas to help him understand himself better. Some days it was hard and he’d end up not answering his own question in a defensive huff. Other days it was clear and easy. He never knew which it would be until he asked it.
This wasn’t the first time messed up things with the Gems had come to light in these sessions. Oh, no, there were a lot of sessions about some of those patterns. He supposed that that was why he’d finally thought about that week they’d learned about Rose, and realized how screwed up it was in so many ways.
He could still feel the emotions that had come up a few minutes ago, but instead of roiling frantically under the surface, they were a little more removed, fading to a more comfortable distance where he could feel them without drowning in them. He rolled over and grabbed his journal from the bedside table, and wrote with the fancy fountain pen Connie had given him until ink smudged his fingertips and his wrist was tired. The pages were smeared, but he wasn’t sure he needed to reread them; just writing it all out was comfort enough right now. Anger and sadness and disbelief, set in black ink on white paper.
His emotions were real. They stared back at him in cursive on narrow-ruled lines. And it was okay to have them, even when they hurt. Something he reminded himself of every week.
How do I feel? he asked himself again.
I feel…
Deep breaths, tidal, falling into a comfortable, familiar rhythm. He had an answer today.
I feel okay.
#steven universe future#suf#steven quartz universe#the future suf#steven for therapy 2020#fanfoolishness' steven universe fic#fanfoolishness steven universe fic
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