#every time i get severly depressed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imnotpayingforurtherapy · 18 days

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EYYYYYY THE HALLUCINATIONS ARE BACK 🗣️🗣️🗣️‼️‼️‼️

I HAVE A 103.2° F FEVER AND CANT SLEEP

STORY TIME/RANT/BRAIN VOMMIT SOUP UNDER CUT

So i havent been able to sleep in able three weeks, my scedule pretty much being wake up at 7am, get read for school, be at school till 5pm, get home at 6pm, maybe make food if i have the energy, if not bed rot and try to sleep until 6:45am when exhaustion finally takes over, sleep till alarm goes off at 7am, attempt to get up and black out till around my dad comes in my room to scream at me to get up, force my body to move and repeat.

My head hurts constantly which isn't new (I don't want to say they're migraines because they're undiagnosed because i live in the us and the health care is shitty but apparently your head hurting so badly everyday you involuntarily sob when you wake up until you run out of tears and learn to manage the pain isn't normal... ive been dealing with these off and on since 2nd grade and all the doctors have to say is 'Dehydration' IM NOT FUCKING DEHYDRATED)

BUT BASICALLY HEAD HURTS WORSE THAN USUAL LIKE IF MY TYPICAL PAIN IS AROUND A 7/10 AND ON PAR WITH GETTING HIT REALLY REALLY HARD WITH A BASEBALL AND BASKET BALL SIMULASULY WHICH SOMEONE POKES MY SOINE WITH A PENCIL MY CURRENT EVERY DAY PAIN IS AROUND A 15/10 AND IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DECRIVE BUT KINDA FEELS LIKE THERES A 50 POUND WEIGHT ON MY HEAD AND THE BASKET BALL GOT SWAPPED WITH A IRON SKILLET AND THE PENICL WITH A RED HOT STAKE

so... not fun... AND ON TOP OF THAT IM SO TIRED I CAN BARELY FUNCTION BUT IM USED TO IT SO I JUST HAVE TO KEEP GOING LIKE PHONE YOUVE HAD FOR OVER 10 YEARS RUNNING ON 5% WITH NO STORAGE SPACE, ONLY ABLE TO CHARGE IT FOR ABOUT 5 MINS BEFORE HAVING TO DEAK WITH AND PREDICT THE GLICTHES

Anyways~ the hallucinations✨✨

So since i share a room i cant have the lights on even if im suffering through really bad isomnia episodes and im so tired i've started to hallucinate this weird figure in the corner if my room

I've named him Jamal but homie just stares at me, can't make out his face to well just that blank stare, crooked smile and broken neck.... He just watches so not a threat, jusst makes my skin crawl OH AND HE KEEPS FUCKING WITH ME LIKE JUST STANDING OVER ME AND STROBING MY VISION OR GRABBING MY FEET UNDER THE COVERS

He's the closest thing i've had to a sleep paralysis demon but the problem is he's always there... every where i go I see him...

I think he used to be in a different form, he looks the same as a nice man I used to halluicate back in 8th grade but hells thats just my subconscious

but it is funny to think that maybe that nice man died and is mad now, still watching over me but just severly flawed now

I also keep hallucinating dead people and spirts... they might not be real but they feel so real... so full of grief and hatred for the world...

I hate cemeteries

I recently found out not all people felt this way but whenever i go to cemeteries i can feel them

same at church

same at a lot of places i go to

idk im rambling now but whatever

Im so tired i just want to sleep but i cant

im genuinely so numb all i can feel is panic and uselessness

the depression's getting bad again...

Theres mold everywhere, bugs flying all around, it smells fucking awful, I smell awful, haven't showered in like 2 weeks?? been too week to

My family doesn't give a shit unless it involves me not doing the chores even tho i have finals and they're all off work/school

I genuinely told them i was going to kill myself a few years ago, none of them cared, calling me dramatic

I ODed and passed out for two days, all my dad had to say when i woke up and couldn't move was 'to get my ass up because not 'daughter' of his was going to miss church'

I also have passed out from exhaustion in front of them multiple times, they just walk over me like im a vacuum in the middle of the floor

I want to hate them so much but my need to love them just rips me apart so im just and at them constantly which is really just me being mad at myself so im stuck in this constant state of grief

I hate being so disgustingly human

I hate all other people but at the same time i was someone in bed with me rn, someone to wrap their arms around me and just fall asleep with, nothing else

Someone thats gone in the morning

Someone to be vulnerable infront of and feel so incredibly comfortable its like my clone yet doesn't remember me when we cross paths again

I want a lover just so they can die a tragic death so i have something, someone to blame my sorrow upon

Hallucinations aren't scary

The images themselves are fine, dismembered bodies, dead people, things that aren't quite human, things that want me dead... images are just that... images

and even if they came to life, i wouldn't mind, like okay they're here now... so what? I die or escape, easy.

What makes the hallucinations scary is the fact that they aren't real... its like you're conscientiousness slipping out, something you've tried so hard to keep locked down deep within your soul

slipping out

escaping

breaking free

for the souk purpose of reminding you

You aren't sane :]

You never have been

#inp4ut insomnia thoughts

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neoputo · 8 months

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every time i get severly depressed but dont feel like oversharing on instagram (im scared of people i know finding out how bad it got) i come and overshare here instead. anyway, i'm feeling like shit.

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bisexualaliennut · 2 years

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Probably should be writing down my biology definition and not writing on tumblr but I dont think I can do anything until I get this down. I hate every aspect of my life right no besides school and the only reason is because it is not stressing me out. But then i look at the long term and the long run of school and that also is severly depressing. I get a job have a family and then die. Ill form connections and interpersonal relationships but nothing seems satisfying right now. Nothing. My boyfriend and I are having so many issues I pretty much pushed him to be in a relationship with me currently. I know he would prefer to be single. I said id be ok being poly im not ok im jealous. he sent me a nude with his dick colored in wondered who its for. I want to ignore him so he sees how important I am hats my toxic trait. I wont ignore him I love him, he doesn’t love me. I dont think hes capable of love right no and even said he doesnt know if he is. Have no idea what I am doing with him. My best friend is going through so much I feel terrible I can not be there for her as much as I can because she is away and I am back at home. Every time I drive I think about hitting a tree. I wish my boyfriend cared about me as much as he cared about him or as much as I care about him. I want to throw up my stomach is fucked up I am too skinny have no been eating nothing tastes good I force myself. I feel bad for my parents there trying to talk to me trying to make me happy. I feel bad for myself I did so much work I have been through so much and negative things keep happening to me. Sometimes I think truly its because I was such a shitty person in my past. Other times I think I attract shitty people. But maybe all people are shitty. I feel bad I am also not being attentive right now to my boyfriend but how does he expect me to. I am told I can not speak about anything of our relationship. I feel trapped, I am used to it. Sad that I am used to this. sad that I like. Sad that this feeling is so similiar to the point where I want to run away because it is too much. I dont budge I never do. I love you I stay its a downfall. Its like a dog looking outside and never being able to go out but just having the imagine of leaving the house. I wish I knew myself the way I knew a keyboard. I wish I knew myself like how I know when I look up at the sun it burns my eyes so I stop but I love it. I love when the sun makes you see orange in your head. I like replaying it. I wish I could replay it. I miss writing I dont write enough. I liked driving in the rain to “nike.” I liked making peace with walking away. I miss him. I know I am wet and young.

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vespulagermanica · 1 year

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Just a question. How did you find my blog and why did you like my stuff? Like I know you'd hate me. You'd be so anti me so I'm like haha why'd you interact.

I mean I'd block you because there's nothing more depressing and attention seeking than running a blog based on hate. Your username and pfp are aimed towards hating one piece of media which is undeniably problematic in nature, while your header and blog focus on hating on a guy who has been dead for over 100 years and was a product of his time period (which doesn't make it acceptable, it just makes it sadly stereotypical—also to the best of my knowledge he never spoke out against Jewish people, although at times he wrote in poor nature which is unacceptable, yes, but also rooted in his perception of society which wasn't good and I'm not making excuses for him but rather I'm trying to explain that he wasn't radical in his thinking and if given equal social resources as today he most likely would have been perfectly accepting of Jewish people) and also given the nature of Victorian prostitutes I don't think he was as much of a nonce as you think, but you're entitled to whatever thoughts float around in your brain. Also once again, Oscar Wilde has been dead for over 100 years so it's not like he's profiting anymore.

The only reason I'm not blocking you on sight is because I'm fairly interested in what you have to say. You may have nothing at all to say, and honestly if I were you I'd just block you without response, but obviously we are two extremely different people.

Ok so trying to answer this as nicely as possible because i dont know why a random person i dont follow has so much hate for me over some shitpost and suchand i am very very very tired and people are being so very mean to me about this . Am not crytyping people say that sometimes when im tired i just an super tird . the pfp and header are just silly things based on inside jokes i thought that was a normal tumblr thing to do. Also idont know who you are i literally dont even follow you. I make a bit of a joke of hatinh oscar wilde but erm the postes i made about him were ages ago except for one of them which was literally inspired by this new york time( https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/10/11/the-myth-of-oscar-wildes-martyrdom)

or whatever article. take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you.

take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you. idk why people are so pressed on something i made when i was 13 and posted when i was older because i remembered my friends thought it was silly. Idk why you are so pressed over me existing. But i dont have a lot of friends on here and mostly reblog stuff i Enjoy and forget to update my profile text with any change in interestes. idk why you think i am a 100 percent hater. I dont really hate wilde as much as i hate people idolizijg him and uwu gay beaning him, but i do kinda dislike the dead guy because of that idolization amongst people who want a accessible gay victorian icon. And also because he(probably , we will never 100 percent know for sure,)had sex with drunk people snd people never tell you that in those polished dark academia pintrest quote boards. Some but not all of the court reccords of these boys say that he intoxicated them severly . And i doubt this is lies because in my research of this topic of victorian rent boys(it is special interest) many get arrested for being acomplies no matter what they say, and infact jack saul, who was very open about his gay actions, got away free fromthe cleveland street scanfal. And also not every one in wilde trials said that wilde intoxicated them so the chances of it being dreadful marquess douglas plot is slimmer. Of course we will never know forsure but rich people have always been strange and awful and i feel that people never consider the class element of things. Haha wilde wrote something on socialism. Nice. Now can we please see something by a lowerclass person maybe

Also idc if people read him more power foryou reading and analysis is really cool especially with the layered homosexual subtext wilde has(he even very lightly references fanny n stella once. Real neat stuff imo and shows how tight knit late victorian gay stuff was)

I know 5at the victorian era was messy and awful at times, i know that in france the age of consent was 13 and in Britain at the time it was 17. I know about the fact telegraph boys were basically a gay version of romanticized schoolgirls. But still there is someyhing kinda unsettling about wildes potential actions being glossed over. It is strange and offputting to see from people with multiple postes against republicans spreading lies about lgbt child groomers. Because that is just a bit of fuel to republicans fire and its painful to see people ignore that sort of thing in my mind, i am sorry if i have a weird sense of justice about dead lower class people. But i just do. Baby im an Anarchist or whatever. Words arent wording sorrythat probably sounded awful

Im sorry if you are upset by my blog i mostly a, m just rebloggimh random stufv i see that i think is cool, and such. Please dont yell at me via cyberspace i wanted to provide as good a response to you as can in this state other people are being really nasty to me over thisand idk why they care about this dead guy so much . That they have to send nasty and ablesist stuff. Sorry its just super scarry

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sociallyawkward--fics · 4 years

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i wonder what my little sister thinks when she comes to bed at night to me on my laptop, typing like a madman, earbuds in with the volume loud enough that i actually can’t hear her come in, chewing on said earbuds

like, i really present a functional depiction to this child of a 20 year old dont i lol

#chatty blogging #granted she knows im severly depressed and probably have adhd #so like maybe it's not so weird to walk in on your sister who hasnt showered in five days eating her earbuds #i like how im so confident in my self-diagnosed depression and anxiety #but when i mention adhd i say 'probably adhd' like i cant trace the symptoms back to my early years of childhood #just like the anxiety and depression lol #like dang my dad's genentics just really had their way with me dumping all the mental illness on me huh lol #everyone else got like one maybe two #my little sister doesn't show any signs of ANYTHING yet which is wack #but here i am with like EVERY SINGLE MENTAL ILLNESS MY DAD HAS lol #i usually feel special and cool in the family for having the genetics to be most like my dad out of the blood-siblings #but there are times like these where i'm like 'well darn really lucked out here unfortunately huh lol'#thanks dad lol love the inability to function and you yelling at me for it #maybe instead of yelling at me you could share coping mechanisms so that i can actually function'#and then you dont get mad at me for not functioning #WILD idea right lol who would ever actually consider supporting your mentally ill child #wow i had a bitter moment my dad and i were getting along so well earlier where did that come from #oh yeah 2 decades of trauma dont vanish just because he's playing one of my fave games cuz i told him to lol #i love my dad and he does some stuff right but also he's done a lot of garbage stuff that i might never recover from lol

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fluffyblue-multifandommess · 4 years

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my relationship with my parents isn’t even that bad considering the absolute bullshit some people have to go through with their family but still like. i will see an adult hugging their mom and be like “... how”. i will hear someone say they go to their parents for advice on personal matters and be like “... why”. i just. cannot relate. i avoid discussing personal things with my parents as much as possible and when i accidentally overshare because my dumb brain didn’t stop me in time i will spend days regretting it even if the thing i overshared is something as silly as “i have recurring dreams about missing my train”. any vulnerabiltiy is too much vulnerability. I never want them to know anything real about me.

#blue personal ramblings #(read the following tags for a long but still non-exhaustive list of the complaints i have against my parents lol)#it's the knowledge that i Will Not be understood #it's my mother getting her feelings hurt and making it All About Her whenever i try to express the smallest issue with her behaviour #it's my dad insisting 'it's all in your head' and making it clear he thinks psychologists are useless because you should be able to #solve things by yourself #it's my mom doing something that makes me uncomfortable and continuing to do it for years despite my aksing her to stop every time #and her acting like im weird for being uncomfortable which should justify her continuing to do it #its my parents always making me give up my room when we have a guest staying over despite us having a perfectly fine couch #its my parents breaking the glass that set into the wall right above my bedroom door because they don't understand that I Need To Be Alone #that sometimes i need to Not Be Observed #it's my mother saying 'oh sure im gonna have that glass replaced' and then not doing so for Literal Years #(5-6 yrs I think i didn't count)#(maybe i should have)#its my mother using that opening after ive locked myself in my room to take photos of how messy my room is WHILE IM HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK #and threatening to give those photos to the cops and to kick me out #it's my mother being angry at me for years because i was severly depressed and was having such inconvenient symptoms of depression as #not leaving the house much and no longer being able to go to school and not being able to have any sort of job #and being a source of worry #it is my mother saying ill change my mind every time i express i Do Not Want kids #it is my mother criticising me every time i told her about something i liked #it is my parents giving 'constructive criticism' such as 'youre always drawing the same things you should try smth new' or #'i can barely see this drawing you should use more pressure with your pencil' whenever i proudly showed them a drawing #it's my mother blaming me (and the rest of our family tbh) for her being always exhausted #but then getting extremely pissed off and self righteous if i dare to hint at suggesting that mabye her behaviour didnt help my mental healt #ANYWAYS i cant fucking wait to not live with them anymore and be able to fully control how often i have to interact with them #oh man that is a huge tag wall sorry not sorry #(my therapist is on vacation can you tell?)

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dragonji · 2 years

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ive been so completely lethargic lately and like i know why but also Why,,,, please just let me Doㅠㅠ

#j.txt #its the same reason it is every month and yet every single time it catches me off guard when i get severly depressed and drained :/#even when i get a bit of energy i use it up just preparing for a task so i end up with 20 tabs and 3 art/audio programs open for a full day #and yet Nothing gets done. ghhhhjsndjchf im SICK of it sob

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heartfulselkie · 2 years

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So what do you think about the sentimonster theory ??

I am...currently conflicted about the theory. There's a lot of arguments for and against the validity for it so I'm still kind of on the fence to it being true or not or what it means for the story.

I do like the angst potential (cause we all know that I'm an angst addict) as well as the story telling that can come from such a plot development. But the theory isn't without its issues.

My main problem is that Adrien is an abuse victim, sentimonster or not. And revealing him to be a sentimonster adds an unsettling element to that. So far sentimonsters have been very expendable in the show. There are of course humanoid ones (Ladybug, Sentibubbler) that are meant to replicate a human in every possible way, but these sentient beings literally exist for a single episode, get wiped off the face of the earth and then not a further moment is spent afterwards thinking about it. Obviously we as the audience are a lot more attached to Adrien than a one off sentimonster in a single episode. But it just makes it all the more obvious how impermanent sentimonsters can be. And for Adrien who already struggles with finding where he fits in the world, what kind of person he wants or needs to be, thats just a heavy slap of depressing angst that makes even me a little too over-angsted. It also doesn't help that being a sentimonster would mean his entire existence hinges on some magical macguffin that someone could easily use to abuse/take advantage of him (cough Gabriel cough) or even erase that existence. That is some heavy existential levels of crisis right there. It's honestly a terrifying thought to consider a young boy who has already gone through so much manipulation and abuse to the point where his own autonomy is severly limited (and only overcome by a magical ring at this time) could potential be locked into an existence where his control is tied to an object that can be stolen or broken.

Maybe it doesn't help that the Senti!Adrien theory is just a theory right now, so we have no idea how the show's writers intend for it to be revealed and resolved if it turns out to be true. Because so far they've been fairly competent in writing how Gabriel's manipulation and control over Adrien is abuse without having someone say point blank in the show "Adrien's an abuse victim". They show it in the dialogue and the interactions between Gabriel and Adrien. Adding a "magical" element to an already capable depiction of abuse is treading a thin line. They can either develop it further into something the truly benefits Adrien's character arc, or its going to fall the other way and we're going to be stuck with a very sad and very unfair addition to Adrien's already spiralling depression and isolation. (life of course isn't always fair, but life doesn't involve magical elements that can literally control everything about you with no possible way of changing it)

But maybe being Chat Noir will provide Adrien the way to freedom as its always done for him, that the power of destruction can break his prison and shatter whatever chains hold him, magical or not. I think there's a good chance this is the direction the writers may go if it turns out the senti theory is true. It's probably what I'd do if I were the one writing the story. If a magical element is involved in Adrien's suppression, then it needs a magical element to break it. But Adrien also needs a very real and plausible action to break away from Gabriel's very real abuse. While they would be connected, I don't want the sentimonster problem to combine that fluidly with the abuse and suppression Gabriel has delivered onto his son. Perhaps Chat Noir breaks the chains of being a sentimonster while Adrien breaks free of Gabriel.

So yeah, I'm conflicted about it.

I see the various story elements this can give to the show, but also the pitfalls that would be very disappointing if they were to fall into it. If Adrien is a sentimonster, then he needs a way to separate himself from the Peacock and his Amok so that he can't be attached to an object that overwrites his human will on a whim (and he is human, even if he was born by magical means). At the same time he needs an escape from Gabriel, but a real, grounded one and not by magic means. I think as long as Adrien being a sentimonster is treated as a layer to the abuse and struggles he goes through and not the core reason for it (because it would be so easy to say "oh he's not real it doesn't count/it's not the same as actual people")(and sometimes there just isn't a discernable reason for why someone would abuse another)...

I think I could let the theory grow on me.

The fandom really is incredible on discussing this topic and pitching thoughts and ideas about it.

There's plenty bouncing around tumblr on the problematic side of the theory, but if you want to read a little more on why the theory might not be disastrous, I think @gentil-minou has had the most coherent post on it I've seen so far. It's actually thanks to them I thought a bit more deeply on the theory than just outright not liking it like I had at the start.

#yeah i'm a little all over the place with this theory still #both side of the argument have good points #and i don't think i'm at all the authority to decide who is more right or wrong #so i'm uncomfortable about sentiAdrien but will try to be openminded if that's what the show goes for #ask Selkie

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nerdygirlwithanxiety · 2 years

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Some ingo headcannons for my au;

Depressed bean just wants to go home and be with his brother and chandelure again

He make terrible puns as a coping mechanism

Despise this the guy is actually really calm and smart while OCCASIONALLY wise - thanks to Anthony's chaoticness in the hisui region he's stuck in...he have to make sure both Tony and zorua don't burn it down

This said he's basically the 99% of their braincells

One time cyllen gave Anthony a mission ingo had to make sure A. Anthony doesn't get hurt or lost and B. Made sure anthony has the items they need...and ended up holding on to it so it doesn't get sold because...Anthony is desperate for new clothes and styles

Just because; Ingo in this blog is Pansexual

My voice claim for him is David Vincent

He has a photo of him and Anthony posing together

He initiated the idea of the two teaming up

He semi remembers emmet more then chandelure and the rest of his team

He had a crush on adaman and irida * in my headcannon they're in their 20s somewhere- yes they're adults I looked it up* some point before anthony enter into his life

Poor guy heard every meme reference from anthony

Reeses puffs reeses puffs eat em up eat em up

Witnessed every meltdown from anthony and comforted him in eachone

Also ends up being Anthony's camera man in random videos Anthony makes

Just because I love the theory; has recorded himself investigating pokemon before an illusion attacked him and lost his phone. He gets paranoid when Anthony does the samething about random different pokemon or during his singing/dancing videos

He knows Anthony is a terrible dancer and finds it adorable

His mind; emmet chaoticness + Anthony's chaoticness = arceus help me

Hes 5"8-6"00

Sever Pisces and Aries energy

His main partner is now a gliscor. He let's Anthony barrow it for his dex otherwise gliscor is with him 24/7

Has not and will never say ' fuck ' and have gone off telling anthony not to cuss....which failed MULTIPLE times

Woke up with zorua curl up onto his face and Anthony laying on his chest.

One time adaman accidentally pissed indgo off that he got imitated by his smile

Only smiles I'm public but breakdown crying when he's in his cabbin

When anthony saw him breaking down only thing he could do was hugging him and hold him

Pronouns he uses; He/Him

Is a cuddler compare to emmet. Severly touched starved

His love interest with anthony was a complete accident. It was trigger when his life was saved by anthony and Shadow * aka darkrai * from volo and giratina.

His Nickname from anthony; indie, go-go, the greatest man with greatest ideas * zekrom reference *

If he could have a legendary partner it'd be Zekrom

Hes so focus on his job before the events he had never had time to go on dates. He's the fourth wheel in his group with emmet and Elesa

One years older * between 21-26* then emmet * 20-24* and Anthony *20-25*

DEFINITELY TALLER THEN ANTHONY

Has no idea what silver eyes are or why Anthony asked I'd he had silver eyes

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poetryofyouth · 3 years

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I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

#anti psychiatry #anti psych #antipsych #mental health industrial complex #long post #tw #cw

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angxlsuicidx · 3 years

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At least I have a limit in my head, that must be good, right???

My eating disoder has been on and off bad for the past almost 3 years come March, but ever since I, 1, (TMI, I know) became sexually active, and 2, detrasitioned (I was FtM for almost 5 years, my childhood was rough to say the least), I told myself that if I ever became pregnant I would change instantly.

I’ve had 3 real pregnancy scares in the past year since I started doing the deed. Every time I would always better myself just in case. Hell, I researched sleeping positions to limit the chance of miscarriage, because children are just so important to me. All I want to be in life is a mom and I won’t let ana take that away from me.

I will say that I’m in no position to have a kid finiancially, at least i’m a high school graduate so I don’t have to worry about that, but I do want to go college. But my mom and sister said multiple times that if something happened they’d be there for me so I can go to work n shit to provide for my child (in the case my boyfriend isn’t in the picture, not that he would leave me, but i’ve always just planned to be a single mom because abandonment issues)

But I am willing to be chubby if that means my child won’t die before it got the chance to be in my arms.

But I get severly depressed every time I take a pregnancy test because I just really want to be a mom, and then I end up restricting and kinda suicidal but not?? I just feel like i’m less of a woman because i’m not a mom or a wife, and every other woman I know are a mom or both. It’s not that I think its a woman’s job n shit, but it’s something I want and they have.

#ana #anarexx #anarexyz #proana #ana thoughts

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sunny-aster · 4 years

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Hello! Today I tried a new therapist, and he told me with 100% confidence that my asexuality was caused by my depression. When I said "I don't think that's right, because I've never enjoyed sexual attention, and all of my sexual experiences have disgusted me", he said "that's a common thing for depressed people to say". Lol! I haven't felt a single moment of insecurity about my asexuality until now, and I was hoping to get your opinion. (Sry if its a lot, your comic really made me feel better)

I do know my severe isolation issues and lack of any social interest is cause i was severely bullied for 6 years in middle school- jr high so i never developed social skills. But im not awkward whenci do hang out w ppl like 3 times a month outside of work.

I dont think it stems from that though just I think its why i have trust issues cause every 4 hole times in 6 years i asked for help i was given the "just learn to ignore it or stop beinf so sensitive" while also being severly bullied by my older sister lol and since sex is such an intimate and personal thing if you had trust issues w having sex thatf be one thing. Or maybe you dont think youre attractive enough could be why maybe depression could he involved?

But when finally finding a romantic interest and gettng past the not used to physical affection thing, i still never thought in the 1 year relation ship i had abt having sex, he always asked cause i never got in the mood no matter what. I dont have a problem w my body, I didnt think he was gonna hurt me or hate me after, I have no negative thought abt sex that would keep me away from it that could be a symptom of depression, I just think it was a chore to do rather than a "fun" activity, therefore for me at least, theres no reason for me to thibk depression could be the cause of it.

Hope this helps.

#i speak #asexuality

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zodiactherapist · 4 years

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Advice for Unhealthy Pisces

Now, I’m not saying he was unhealthy BECAUSE he was a Pisces. He just grew up in an unhealthy environment, and just happened to BE a Pisces.

1.Substance Abuse.

When it comes to sex, he watched so much porn that he couldn’t have sex with a real girl.

When it came to drugs, he used every single morning, afternoon and night of my community bowl without adding. The nights I forgot to refill it, he would text me panicking in the morning and didn’t know how to get through the day until I was up.

When we were out of drugs, he would drink every single night.

He couldn’t quit cigs.

When I bought sweets, he would eat them ALL except leave 2-3 items left. He needed soda every meal and some munchies at random periods.

2. Denial or Victim

When it came to his porn addiction, it was MY fault for making him depressed by rejecting him romantically and moving on.

When it came to drugs, he would act like his meltdowns thosw days are a big big joke and not a big deal and he doesn’t have a problem.

When it came to drinking, it was join him or don’t. When I’d try to stop him, he would have a down mood and say fuck it and take a shot.

I had to stop buying sweets. But gluttony was still there with any food.

3. Lust and Dependant

Whenever I looked good he would openly and obviously lust after me and compliment me, even after asking him to stop numerous times.

If I didn’t want him romantically, he wanted nothing to do with me.

He would always try to have romantic moments, hoping the moment would make me feel some feelings towards him.

He would openly and obviously show how overly happy he was when I was around him and did show any intimacy.

4. Lying and Unempathetic

When a really tragic event happened (we had no idea this rarity would happen). I told him to apologize to the person who suffered. Instead, he lies to not be blamed for the tragic innocedent in any way, when it was nobody’s fault. The person pointed out he was lying and he argued he didn’t. He did.

He stole money from me for drugs, and I accused him of stealing. He proceeded to guilt trip me how we needed stuff, denied any wrong doing, and then when finally cornered, he apologized with the most idgaf LOL sorry not sorry apology.

When he messed up and realized he hurt me very badly, he would turn on me and basically dare me to say he did anything wrong. He took pride that he wasn’t going to admit he messed up.

When he would do little things indicating I was annoying him, I would point it out and he’d lie until I left the room. He would deny he ever did any of it and would get mad I was “mad at nothing”. I just wanted him to admit it.

You guys are beautiful, selfless, caring, adoring, listening and empathetic people I’ve ever met.

1. Don’t let the addiction of relaxing from reality rely simply on drugs or gratification. Learn to meditate, volunteer, start new hobbies, do art (especially for Pisces), get lost in a good tv show or book, have a good playlist for every mood, journal, release your energy into fitness, golf, poetry, and maybe even support groups.

2. There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake. It’s okay to say that your emotions got the best of you, or that you’re embarrassed you need help controlling your emotional impulses. Your positive emotional impulses brighten our days. We all can have a problem with something we’re ashamed of, but you’re not suffering alone. Reach out.

3. You want love. You want connection with someone. You want cuddles and lovey-dovey everyday. Lack of love can make you severly unhappy. You don’t realize scientifically being single is just as satisfying as having a partner to marry one day. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone. Relax. Being single ins’t that scary. You can learn to love yourself and be your biggest motivation.

4. Don’t be afraid of bringing negative energy to the table. Sometimes we aren’t going to be able to please everybody, and lying to get there certainly is not the way. You will need to take some responsibility in your life, and when you do please please please remember that people may forgive, especially since you are so sweet and genuine at heart. Own your mistakes and apologize love, instead of projecting your self-disapointment onto others.

You guys are extremely wonderful creatures and I hope you know I understand.

Take care all Pisces!

Stay wonderful!

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