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resowrites · 11 months

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Holy Grail - drabble.

Summary: Henry develops a fixation for a certain part of his pregnant wife’s body…

Pairings: AU!Henry Cavill x Wife!OC

Warnings: fluff, banter/British humour, sexy talk, language, dialogue heavy, nondescript OC body type/appearance, hastily written/lightly proofread.

WC: 635

A/N: My work must not be copied, reposted, or translated elsewhere. Likes, follows, reblogs and comments are thoroughly welcome and appreciated! Gifs/pics not my own. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for visiting!

Holy Grail - drabble.

"Whoa--"

"Henry, get out, I'm trying to get dry!" He quickly turned around as she grabbed the towel from the bed and clutched it to her chest.

"I'm sorry! I came in here to fetch Kal so I could give him his tea!" But the pooch was still fast asleep at the foot of their bed.

"Well you better get out of here before he wakes up, you know how protective of me he is at the moment."

"I know, the soppy git…"

"He's soppy?! You almost had a panic attack yesterday when you thought I ate shrimp! And he picked up following me into every room from you!"

"Yeah well at least I don't guard you when you're in the shower--"

"Well thank God for Kal, otherwise you'd be leering at me through the glass!"

"At least then I'd get a look at them! Come on, drop that towel, and lemme see if I can't tune in for the news and weather--"

"Out, now! I wanna get dry in peace."

"Then here, let me help…" Henry took a few steps forward only for her to dart under the bed so she could fetch something. "What the hell is the broom doing under there?!"

"I had to bring it up last night to squish a spider on the ceiling and now I'm going to use it to get rid of another pest."

"My lady may call me whatever she wishes. For she is beautiful, rich, and got huge… tracts of land!"

"That's it! I'm not enduring Monty Python quotes. You're banned from my presence the rest of the evening. Be gone!" She tried to jab with the broom only for him to dart out of the way.

"Aww come on, when was the last time we got to knock boots?"

"Last bloody night!"

"Then you should be warmed up by now!"

"God give me strength… anyway I thought you just wanted to cop a feel?"

"Well I'll take whatever I can get--"

"Yeah well by the time I'm finished with this broom, you'll be able to sweep the floor!"

"Charming, all I wanted was to enjoy the beauty of my pregnant wife! Honestly, it looks like you're holding up two ten-gallon hats--"

"God you belong on a bloody list… can't you go one night without being a pervert?"

"No, but I'll tell you what, you flash me lefty and I'll give you a hundred quid."

"A hundred quid?"

"Yeah, would you prefer cash or bank transfer?"

"Is that all you think I'm worth?!"

"Well, it's not like you're giving me a handful!"

"And how much would you pay for that? I was thinking of redoing the kitchen…"

"What? Why? I did a good job of the tiling!"

"Henry, two fell off just this morning!"

"Then let little Henry have a dance in your ballroom and I'll fix it for free!"

"Will you also disappear back downstairs?"

"God, you always want to get rid of me!"

"Yeah, cos you get on my sodding tits!"

"I bloody wish!" She looked up at the ceiling and prayed for guidance.

"Henry, give me one good reason why I should have sex with you tonight."

"I can do better than that, I can regale you with song."

"What?!" Henry cleared his throat.

"Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!" She perched on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands.

"I can't actually believe I'm having your child…"

"I can, especially after last night. Now get thee to bed, and let's go for round two--"

"Really? You're reciting Shakespeare now?"

"Well I thought that might do the trick--"

"Fat chance."

"Why not? I can leave the money on the bedside table--" she chucked a pillow at him.

To be updated on when I post please follow @resowrites and turn on post notifications.

@elizabetharegina @fanfictionaddiction99 @luclittlepond @caffeinatedfestivalsheep @summersong69 @ushijimbo @geralts-yenn @livesinfantasyland @jackjanira

#henry cavill #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill imagine

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sweetheartmotives · 7 months

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《☆Yandere Otter Hybrid☆》

Desc and possible Tw: Yandere themes, Sexual themes, mentions of biting, and maybe captured?

Let me know if I missed any!

Whenever there's a new animal species found, you're the first to know. Your team has brought you a newfound species, It's suspected to be a part of the otter family since It has the characteristics of an otter. For example, it's ears and tail. The only weird thing is.. it has a human body.

Anyhow, you've been assigned to study it. At first, the otter being was aggressive and most likely stressed from the sudden change of environment. You've taken the necessary steps to make it comfortable. For example; giving it toys, blankets, treats, etc. It seems the otter being has grown to like you.. a little too much.

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... got very aggressive and scared when you first bring them into the lab.

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... would snap at you any chance they get.

Growling and hissing while trying to bite you

••Yandere Otter Hybrid who... at first didn't accept your gifts. They would push away blankets, treats, toys, etc. You aren't winning yet! They aren't giving up!

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... slowly but surely got used to you, After 6 months of constant growling, of course.

Maybe you're not as bad as I thought..? Yan Otter hybrid thinks to themself

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... would bring you their toys as a gift.

Take... Offers you one of their toys

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... makes loud squeaks and cries whenever you're not by them!

Loud squeaking

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... falls for you. They love your smell and looks.. You are so so perfect to them..

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... enjoys holding hands, snuggling, playing, and nesting with you. All things otters do to show affection!

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... over time, they started to embrace you while rubbing themself all over you.

Maybe if I court them, they'll be my mate? Sigh It's worth a shot.. Otter Hybrid mutters to themself

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... eventually goes into heat. They became more talkative, now discussing with the other researchers about finding a mate! You specifically

I need a mate! Yes.. if I don't have one, I'll die. Yan Otter Hybrid is obviously lying but the other researchers don't know that.

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... eventually gets what they want. You in their exhibit, all dolled up for them!

You're literally just naked 💀

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... makes sure the windows, cameras, etc. are turned off or covered by something to protect your guy's privacy! Mating is a sacred thing that two or more lovers share, and it should be treated that way!

You're my mate.. my pretty pretty mate.

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... forces you into mating press. They're literally trying to mate with you.

You'll make a great parent to our babies, my pretty mate.. Otter Hybrid says while touching the bulge on ur tummy <3

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... goes all night with you. Filling you to the brim with every ounce of love They have for you! No breaks :p

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... has special sperm that can get any Gender/sex pregnant. Boy, girl, or other will get pregnant by it.

•• Yandere Otter Hybrid who... in the end, will make a great partner and parent to your guy's babies!

We'll be together, forever ♡

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoy reading, as I enjoyed writing!! 《*≧∀≦》

(Also credit to @suiana ! this idea came to be from their Yandere Naga fic I read a while ago! :3)

#zoologist reader #animal biologist reader #yandere #yandere oc #yandere x reader #x gender neutral reader #x gn reader #gn reader #x gn y/n #x reader #yandere oc x reader #yandere oc x you #yandere oc x y/n

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clavissionary-position · 12 days

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Star(?)gazing

Emma: So if the moon in Tanzanite is considered God, then the stars are like all his children?

Azel: No. The moon is the moon. The stars are stars. Nothing more, nothing less.

Emma: Or the stars are like his sperm.

Emma: And sperm grow up into children.

Azel: Not by themselves they don't. They're not tadpoles. Stop making that 'Ooh I'm so smart. Go me!' face! If you're going to high-five yourself, high-five yourself off this dune.

Emma: It's like every night you look up at these stars but you're actually looking at your own sperm-slash-future-children.

Azel: That is not what I think when I look up at the stars.

Emma: It's your sperm bank.

Azel: Do not sully the sacred word 'bank' with your filth. My sperm is safely where it belongs.

Emma: If God is everywhere, then the moon and sun are his—

Azel: These are not the types of rational hypotheses I've been teaching you.

Azel: ...why are his moon and sun operating separately? (crosses his legs) That's horrifying.

Emma: You're mistaken. The entire atmosphere is his sac. God is huge.

Azel: Thank you.

Emma: Oh, I wasn't talking about—

Azel: Forget I said anything.

✩

Azel: (wakes up) Oh thank god. It was just a...

Emma: Hi, Azel. You dozed off for a second there.

Emma: Actually, I think you passed out from embarrassment.

Azel: God doesn't get embarrassed! God doesn't feel anything! Enjoy your spermgazing!

Azel: (trips down the dune)

a/n: inspired by his bond story about the places he frequents

#ikemen prince #azel radwan #incorrect quote folder

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tom-foolery-incorporated · 2 years

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Gang Orca Headcanons

AFAB!Gender Neutral!Reader, not proof read, MINORS DNI, WFSN Alphabet

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Kugo's top priority is your pleasure. If you're not a complete mess with jelly bones then he hasn't done his job. Once he knows you're 100% satisfied he'll get you some water, run you a bath or a shower, and make a little snack for you two to share. If you're sore, he'll pull out a doughnut pillow for your poor little behind. He does a complete 180 from fucking you senseless to massaging every knot out of your body.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Kugo loves every part of you. It's super cheesy but it's true. If he had to choose a favorite, however, it would probably be your mouth. Watching you smile and laugh, the way his name moves along your lips, the way your lips wrap around his cock. He loves to rest a clawed thumb on your lower lip when he holds your chin. He wishes he had lips to kiss you with but see his tongue jammed in your mouth is enough for him.

As for himself, Kugo struggles with some self-esteem issues but he is very proud of his build. A very big man hubbahubba! Squeeze his tatas, run your nails down his arms, just feel up his muscles. He worked hard for that body. He also loves how he towers over you, the man is 6'7 (202 cm). Seeing you look up at him, especially if you have to crane your neck a little, does things to him.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He likes to see you debauched. Kugo will cum anywhere you want but he especially loves to see it dripping out of your hole or mouth. Hell, even seeing you covered in his cum makes his brain go brrrr. To see his perfect little angel taking his cum so well or dripping his sperm down their face is the best sight to him. It's sort of like his way of claiming you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Kugo wants you to tie him up. He's a dom through and through but he secretly wants you to tie him up and use his cock to pleasure yourself how you please. He also wants to see how long he can last before he breaks the ropes and takes you until you can't move.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Kugo isn't that experienced. Sure he's had a fling here and there but he's been so focused on his career that a serious relationship wasn't on the table for a long time. There's also the added stigma regarding his quirk but mostly he was just married to the grind before he met you.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Your legs on his shoulders while he holds you up by your butt as he eats you out while standing. Kugo wants to show you how strong he is. He also loves fucking you on your side. The intimacy of holding you so close while he's buried so deep inside of your warm cunt is perfect for him.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Kugo might crack a joke here and there but he's mostly serious. He doesn't tease you with his words as much as he does his actions. Sex is a very sacred and personal thing to him and it's an honor that he trusts you enough to share it with you.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Him hairless. Kugo is completely hairless due to his quirk but he loves your body hair. He especially loves petting your pubes while he eats you out. You're just so soft and fuzzy compared to him.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

You are the love of his life. Kugo loves working you up and making you beg. He'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear as well as describing exactly how he's going to spear you on his cock. Lots of petting and licking. Kugo wants to see you cum at least once before he starts fucking you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Kugo never really jacked off often. Yeah, he's been a teenager with access to the internet but as an adult it was never really his focus. Of course he's rubbed one out to the thought of having you in very compromising positions when he can't sleep at night and you weren't there but if he's in the mood he'll seek you out first.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Over stimulation, dom/sub, dirty talk, biting, breeding, praise kink, light bondage, and gags (on you)

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

In your guys' house. Big no on sex in his office, big no on sex in public, big no on sex on a train, big no on sex on a plane. This is a very private and intimate moment for you two. While Kugo might whisper some dirty things into your ear in public that is a world away from actually bending you over in the middle of a restaurant.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Kugo gets really turned on by seeing you. Hold onto his big ol' beefy arm, give him a kiss, hold his hand, crane your neck up to look at him boom boner.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Don't try to make him jealous on purpose. Flirting with strangers in hopes of getting a rise out of Kugo will just break his heart. Why are you flirting with someone else? Is he not enough? Another thing is probably degradation. While he might call you his "good little whore," he doesn't want to degrade you any further than that. He also would like to not be degraded the same. He'd honestly not be down for public either tbh.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Kugo really focuses all of his attention on making you cum as much as possible. He's down there with your thighs over his shoulder going to town like he's at the Home Town Buffet. He's got a big tongue too so one lick covers your entire pusspuss. Kugo is very methodical when he eats you out. He pays attention to your moans and how you move when he touches or licks certain spots.

Kugo is definitely not opposed to you servicing him. Get on your knees for him and open your mouth baby. If you let him, Kugo would like to hold onto your hair (if you have any) while you suck him off. Unless you ask specifically, he will not try to fuck your face. He knows how big he is and he doesn't want to hurt you.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Kugo sets a very steady pace trying to reach all of the most pleasurable points inside you. He'll pull almost all the way out, leave the head of his penis inside you, then thrust back in in steady slow rhythmic motions. Now, that doesn't mean that Kugo doesn't love putting you into a full nelson and pounding you until your cum is dripping on the floor but he prefers a good slow fuck.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Kugo is not really that into quickies. He'd prefer to have you all to himself for hours on end so he can make you cum over and over again. However, sometimes when he really wants you he might bend you over a counter top or the couch to play with your pussy. He'll leave you high and dry though so you come begging for him later.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Kugo will be hesitant at first. He'd want to know the ins and outs of whatever you're suggesting first. He'd hate to go into something without any knowledge.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Kugo is a pro so you know he's got stamina. He's also fucking RIPPED too. Kugo could go at you for as long as you'd let him. Typically you're going to be the one to orgasm first because he likes to focus on your pleasure. This man loves fucking you until your bones are jelly and you go limp in his hands.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Kugo owns a cock ring that he wears when he doesn't want to cum too soon or if you're domming him. Other than that, most of the toys are meant to be used on you. Vibrators, dildos, anal plugs, gags, all meant for you. He loves to see if he can get you to squirt on the toys he's gotten you.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

It depends on his mood. If he's feeling feisty he might just sit you on his cock on not move for hours on end until you're begging to be pounded into the couch like his own personal flesh light. On other occasions he might just lean down to you at a hero party and whisper in your ear all of the dirty things he's going to do to you when you get home.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

At first Kugo will just be softly grunting and dirty talking you. After a while though, when he loses himself, he tends to get a little louder. He's not much of a screamer but more of a loud growlers and grunter. This is also why he doesn't want to have sex in public because he's not the most quiet in bed.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Kugo likes to take you lingerie shopping. He loves buying things for you and honestly likes to act a little bit like a sugar daddy. He'll pick out some of his favorites for you to try on. Kugo likes a good surprise though so sometimes he'll buy some without you knowing and have you do a little fashion show for him before he bends you over and fucks your hole raw.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

B-big

Kugo is probably around 8 inches with a good width. Bad Dragon wishes they could have a peak inside his trousers for inspiration. I think his penis is slightly wriggly like a whale penis but with more human features. It's a light pink color with some piebald markings near the base. His balls are the same color as the rest of him and very heavy. Grope his balls while you suck him off to get him squirming.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Honestly Kugo is always horny. He does a good job of hiding it and maintaining composure but if you're down he's already betwixt your thighs.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Kugo is a pretty active man so after sex he'd want to take care of you, get any busy work done, then fall asleep. If you ask him to stay and cuddle he'd be more than happy to. Honestly, you're probably going to be the one to fall asleep before him.

#kugo sakamata #kugo sakamata x reader #gang orca #gang orca x reader #mha gang orca #mha x reader #mha smut #bnha x reader #bnha smut #gang orca smut #bnha x reader smut #mha x reader smut #I would like for this man to turn me inside out and use me as a sock puppet

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drunktuesdays · 5 months

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Lea. Hi and hello. I just re-read Auld Lang Syne because I am sad but also LOVE to be sadder. And I have a question for you and AnnaKovsky if you ever discussed it-or just if you think it would ever happen. Do you think that one day (even 10 years in the future) realworld!Dustin gets so happy and comfortable with realworld!Jim that he tells him about the glimpse? Even if he thinks that he wouldn't believe him? Or does he never tell him ever?

Lea Drunktuesdays i…feel very unsure weirdly!!!!!!!!! i thiiiiink dustin never really tells him? my instinct is like—dustin considers the glimpse a very private crazy universe reaching out moment that—maybe not saved his life but granted him a chance for a life he’d thrown away. and i think he’d have like…a hard time articulating that to jim, and the combination of him AND jim not really loving to talk about their feelings makes him feel pretty disinclined to explain that. BUT i think he probably says things sometimes, like when he’s in jim and feeling pretty sappy, sometimes he pets jim’s hair off his face, and kisses his panting mouth and is like “i am the luckiest dumbfuck—i wouldn’t have any of this if—” and jim says “dustin move” and dustin kisses him again and does…. do you agree…………

annakovsky oh man………… i DO think that's right. I was like, well maybe ten years in the future he would, but then I thought about him like, sitting Jim down and being very serious and saying, like, "So, this is hard to believe, but……." and it really is almost impossible to envision. Especially because I feel like the longer he went withOUT telling Jim, the more private and personal the glimpse starts feeling? And the more and more impossible to talk about because it's taking on too much significance as he actually builds a life with Jim that he shouldn't have and wouldn't have without that spurring him into insane action. But he DEFINITELY would allude to it during sex like that when he's half out of his head!!!!!!!!! and maybe when emotional things happen like when their first kid is born and he's all teary and weird - which also, THAT must be really weird because probably their first kid is a BOY and not Violet at all, and when they do have a girl it's with dustin's sperm so she's all dark haired and different. But Dustin all teary holding their first kid and being like, "I knew we'd do this. I saw it -" but Jim kisses him before he gets it all out, or he chokes up too bad, and afterwards he's kind of glad he didn't because he doesn't want the glimpse getting skeptically picked apart…………

Lea Drunktuesdays YES YES YES YES. that’s completely right. i think in the beginning he’s just very focused on squirming his way back into jim’s life, and with jim’s general defensiveness and self-protection, i think dustin would understand that if he was like “jim, you HAVE to let me date you, because a magical freeque showed me a life where we were married”, jim would run. and then it’s completely right that the longer he doesn’t say anything, the more impossible it seems to explain it. and i feel very tender about dustin being like “i literally wouldn’t be able to take it if jim laughed at me about it. which he’d be right to—a crazy little guy sent me to the suburbs for a week sounds insane!!! and yet……….” it’s like the more in the past it gets, the more…sacred and treasured it becomes? in some way?? i forget what we named the boychild….i feel like we did think of something, but it’s right that it’s like, he loves his son so much he forgets to breathe sometimes. he wouldn’t trade him for violet. but he also can’t bring himself to ever disrespect the memory of violet, his little glimpsebaby who maybe never was, but taught him he could be a dad!!! he can’t bring himself to explain it when he’s feeling normal, and cannot ARTICULATE it when he’s feeling emotional!!!!!!!! god, but imagine like, every christmas dustin buys a bag of cheezits and leaves it out somewhere prominent. and jim, amused, is like “does santa eat cheezits now?” and dustin says “you think the man doesn’t like variety in his snax?” and tackles jim into the couch and kisses him until jim’s all distracted. but also sometimes when the whole house is asleep and dustin’s not, he touches the bag of cheezits and says painfully but genuinely, “thank you…..” to the air…………………

annaclausky UGH YES EXACTLY. He KNOWS that Jim would be like, "lol what are you talking about, you had a GLIMPSE that we were married? what are you even TALKING about. Did you get checked for concussion? that's so dumb," but it's NOT dumb, it's the most important and tender thing that's ever happened to him and he CAN'T drag it out into the open air to get made fun of. oh god did we name the boychild? I don't even remember but I feel so emosh about Dustin with his little babies - he thought he liked Violet a lot but it's NOTHING compared to how he feels about his real babies but still… she was a good baby and he hopes she's doing okay out there in the multiverse. Him mentally checking in once in awhile like, Violet would probably be graduating 5th grade this spring, that's crazy. And omg his Santa bag of cheezits! :sob: :sob: :sob: He sometimes wonders if he would ever get sent into another glimpse, half worried about it and half kind of intrigued, but he never does, and he figures that must be because he's finally where he's supposed to be…………

Lea Drunktuesdays sob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think he must have convinced himself that multiverse dustin popped back in as if nothing happened, and so violet and jim continued with their happy multiverse lives!!!!!!!!! but it’s right that he thinks about her—turning 16, 18, 21!! he wishes he could call her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!! sob….he never needs the glimpse again because he NEVER lets himself live the wrong life ever again……….

#auld lang syne #my work #wrestling

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weantuniverse · 27 days

Video

youtube

Every Sperm is Sacred - Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

#youtube

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ridenwithbiden · 3 months

Video

youtube

Every Sperm is Sacred - Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

#youtube

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onenakedfarmer · 3 months

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MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE "Every Sperm is Sacred"

There are Jews in the world There are Buddhists There are Hindus and Mormons, and then There are those that follow Mohammed, but I've never been one of them

I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before I was born, And the one thing they say about Catholics is: They'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six-footer You don't have to have a great brain You don't have to have any clothes on You're A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because … Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate

Let the heathen spill theirs On the dusty ground God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted Every sperm is good Every sperm is needed In your neighborhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their Semen with more care

Every sperm is useful Every sperm is fine God needs everybody's Mine! And mine! And mine!

Let the Pagan spill theirs O'er mountain, hill, and plain God shall strike them down for Each sperm that's spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is good Every sperm is needed In your neighborhood

Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate

Written by Andre Jacquemin, David Alan Howman, Michael Palin, Terry Jones

#poetry #song lyrics #Michael Palin #Terry Jones #Andre Jacquemin #David Alan Howman #Monty Python #The Meaning of Life #1983

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commonguttersnipe · 5 months

Note

Rank every Monty Python song out of 10 and give reasons why for your ranking them as it is please?

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life- 10/10 (just a classic)

Knights Of The Round Table- 7/10 (I appreciate the commitment to character)

The Silly Walk Song- 7/10 (It itches my brain the right way)

I Bet You They Won’t Play This Song On The Radio- 10/10 (my favourite!)

Galaxy Song- 11/10 (It always makes me feel good on a rough day… ironically)

I Like Chinese- 6/10 (the O2 one is the best)

The Penis Song- 3/10 (ew.)

Sit On My Face- 9/10 (strangely romantic?)

Do What John- 5/10 (so is John going to do anything?)

Lousy Song- 0/10 (not really a song. heck, Graham says in the song itself that it’s appalling)

Lumberjack Song- 10/10 (I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER BEVIS)

Here Comes Another One- 7/10 (I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at a song)

Rainy Day In Berlin- 5/10 (nothing too special about this one)

Bruce’s Philosopher Song- 10/10 (constantly gets stuck in my head)

I’m Still So Worried- 9/10 (I’m now starting to think Terry and I were very similar people)

Muddy Knees- 6/10 (extra points for crooning)

Never Be Rude To An Arab- 7/10 (I also think we should blow up racists!)

Rudyard Kipling- 8/10 (Just a vibe)

Henry Kissinger- 6/10 (weird crush but sure)

Every Sperm Is Sacred- 10/10 (I actually listened to this when I want condom shopping. good times.)

Eric The Half A Bee- 8/10 (why is John so adorable singing this?!?)

Brian Song- 10/10 (never been more pumped up by an opening credits)

The Meaning Of Life- 8/10 (Eric screaming at us about existence 👍)

Blackmail/Nudge Rap- 10/10 (slaps for absolutely no reason at all)

Spam- spam/spam (spam)

Medical Love Song- 8/10 (Graham really pulled out every std he knew)

Money Song- 7/10 (*James A Janisse voice* BUSINESS)

Christmas In Heaven- 8/10 (heaven sounds pretty cool…)

#monty python #graham chapman #john cleese #terry gilliam #eric idle #terry jones #michael palin

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oreganosbaby · 2 years

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Utero Dentata, Negative Returns on Human Capital and Existential Anxiety

I’ve been thinking about that thing Roman said in the S3 finale script about how Shiv’s womb has teeth. I hate that I immediately thought of that urban legend about vaginas that have teeth so that when you fuck someone, it bites your dick off. With that in mind, it was interesting that he didn’t say her vagina has teeth, but her womb. It’s past the sexual part and refers only to the maternal part of reproduction. This means that it wouldn’t really be Tom’s fault if the baby dies in the womb because it would be Shiv’s body that killed it. After that, he also says that whole bit about Tom carrying the baby and breastfeeding it. Of course, this is about their reversed gender dynamic; Shiv is the femalehusband and Tom is the malewife. Although Tom is mocked a bit for that, he’s also positioned as the one who would be able to nurture the baby. Roman is saying that there’s something wrong with Shiv that makes her fundamentally incapable of being a mother and must rely on Tom if the baby is to survive at all. He obviously is insulting Shiv by declaring her currently most valuable asset (to Logan and Tom) as defective.

The fact that it’s specifically Roman talking about Shiv’s utero dentata is significant because he’s recognizing his own lack of virility as the inversion of her “infertility.” It creates a connection between her masculinity and his femininity. By doing this, he is doing to her what she and the rest of the family do to him; he accuses her of having something fundamentally wrong with her right down to her body, but unlike them, he doesn’t deny his own “wrongness.” Roman presenting this as an essential part of Shiv points out how little control she actually has over her own body or more precisely, that her body is able to betray her. Betrayal by the body is something we see all over Succession from Logan’s UTI to Kendall shitting the bed to Roman being unable to get it up. No matter what they want, their bodies defy them. This forces them to confront, at least in the moment, their own humanity or rather, mortality— something that is incredibly vile to them.

Before that, they’re talking about Logan’s sperm and Roman refers to it as his “hellseed.” It’s the opposite of “sacred seed,” or what Connor, a no-fap advocate, might call “good seed.” Connor’s opposition to masturbation was talked about in the context of his new goal to be president; he called it one of the “great dangers” along with usury. To frame onanism and usury as the two biggest threats to America is a bit Ezra Pound of him, which is to say it’s a bit antisemitic. Whether or not Connor is aware of this is another thing because unless it was stated outright in his “readings,” the antisemitism is (thinly) disguised in the form of anti-usury. In the context of racialism, the sin of masturbation is tied to the survival of the race. This means the sperm of their race/ethnic group is viewed as a finite resource that must be spent wisely to ensure successful growth, not unlike capital. Every drop counts and to waste it, to invest in the wrong things or on nothing at all is contributing to the extinction of the race. In Abrahamic religions, it’s a sin because it’s wasting the “seed” in vain. It’s selfishly indulging in earthly pleasures while ignoring the true purpose of sex which procreation. It is also seen as a type of infanticide because the sperm is what contains the life of the child.

Connor taking this position in politics reflects how he still thinks of business and family as the same despite being exiled from Waystar. This being paired with usury only makes this more apparent. It fits in with Connor’s American libertarian politics because the value of the sperm is relative to it’s usefulness so, it places responsibility on the individual to use it in the correct way. Connor’s relationship with Willa was founded on a financial transaction. By funding her career as a playwright, he decided that this relationship is a long-term investment. Connor sees having children in the same way. This shows how he understands his place in the family. He sees himself and his mother as a failed investment on Logan’s part. It’s how he justifies Logan’s abandonment of him and his desire to invest in new children with a new wife. He concludes that Logan is trying for another baby because of both the Macca root smoothie and the fact that the new children he invested in turned out to be a huge loss for him. By running for president and getting married, Connor is determined to “turn a profit” for his father. As an adult, his father does give him actual money and he doesn’t want to be a waste of his father’s hard-earned money (and sperm).

Roman seeing his dad’s sperm as “hellseed,” Shiv’s uterus as cannibalistic, his own dick as being defective and even Kendall’s parenting as shitty says that he sees his family as having an inherent “wrongness” in their abilities to reproduce. Ever the nihilist, it reflects Roman’s bleak outlook on life. While he wouldn’t actively attempt suicide, he could do it passively by fasting, by destroying relationships and by baiting other people into hurting him. Ideally, however, Roman probably wishes he were never born because to live life, at least in this physical realm, is a punishment in itself. If he could go back in time, he’d try and convince his mother to abort him. This might be the first time we see Roman express anything close to resentment toward Logan. It’s still in this typically Roman self-victimising way, but it is placing blame on Logan for doing something to him that he’s clearly unhappy about. The idea of Logan trying to impregnate Kerry triggers existential anxiety in Roman. He was jealous of Kerry before Connor suggested this, but it’s Kerry’s ability to reproduce and the possibility of a new heir that pushes it over the edge. Since Logan has been forcibly made aware of his failure in heterosexual masculinity, Roman fears that his dad will no longer see use for him. He isn’t an adequate partner or heir nor can he reproduce. For him to want to “kill that baby,” shows that this anxiety is deep enough that he is willing to commit what could likely be viewed by Logan as a sin against him. He would be trying to interfere with God’s (Logan’s) will. When Roman comes to his father with only his love as a token, he is, in part, asking for an answer to his own existence. He wants to know that he was born to love and be loved because he sees no other value in his life.

#suicide tw #ed mention tw #Shiv Roy #Connor Roy #Roman Roy #Logan Roy #infanticide tw?#Succession meta #i had this in my drafts for so fucking long but i finally got it out...#Succ Sesh #Dalia writes

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limbobilbo · 17 days

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Sitting in the middle of a crouded bus listening to every sperm is sacred at full blast through my headphones

Im out here living my best life

#196 #196 campfire #shitposting #monty python

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 4 months

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Stand-up show I watched this week: Monty Python – Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)

It’s weird that I’d never seen this before, as I grew up with Flying Circus and the Monty Python movies. In 2015, I went to the cinema with my parents to see the Monty Python reunion live. When I was a teenager and went to England for two weeks, I saw Spamalot live and loved it. I think I tend to gloss over Flying Circus when remembering the British TV shows I watched over and over as a kid, but that was definitely in there, as were Holy Grail and Life of Brian and Now for Something Completely Different. My dad wouldn’t let me watch The Meaning of Life because it was too sexual, so I watched I on my own when I was 19 and was surprised that this got banned, given the other shit my dad let me watch. I’m pretty sure it was the Every Sperm is Sacred song that made me dad not let me see it as a young kid, which I guess is reasonable, or would be if there weren’t dick jokes in at least every couple of Flying Circus sketches as well.

I re-watched Flying Circus and the four movies in 2020, and it struck me that as a kid, I remembered and repeated and recited the best bits. I hadn’t realized before that there is quite a lot of filler in Flying Circus, definitely not every sketch was funny. And there was a fair bit of “funny for the time” humour. Not even because of the stuff being offensive (I mean, there was some of that, but let’s not get into that right now), but because it was a much simpler form of humour that’s been taking so much farther and in so many other directions since then. Stuff that was funny because it hadn’t been done before in the early seventies. There are a few Flying Circus sketches that I’m pretty sure would bomb my local open mic nights. But there are also a lot that were still absolutely hilarious today.

I tried, while I was watching their Hollywood Bowl recording for the first time, to imagine what it would be like if someone did one of those sketches at a new act competition somewhere in 2023. Would the judges instantly recognize it as the greatest work of genius in a generation and be shocked that some ordinary person could do something so funny? Or would it place, like, third? Or would it do badly – not because comedy has gotten better since then, but because the type of comedy that’s in fashion has changed, so it’s not unfunny but it’s just not what judges (or fans) look for these days.

Obviously this hypothetical scenario would have to exist in a world where Monty Python never happened (because otherwise all the judges would just say “You’ve plagiarized this”). But I don’t know if we can imagine how that would go, because if Monty Python never happened, maybe large parts of the comedy industry as a whole would have developed differently, and Python-esque stuff that seems overdone would actually seem fresh in that hypothetical 2023, because all those Python influencees wouldn’t have made that stuff over and over again in the intervening years. Or maybe that’s buying way too much into the Python mythos, the idea that no one on Earth except for these six absolute geniuses could possibly have ever worked out that men in frumpy dresses look funny (again, let’s not get into whether the Pepper Pots are misogynistic and/or transphobic right now).

Anyway, all that aside, whether they’re good because they influenced a generation or whether they could also objectively hold up today even without the mythos and nostalgia (personally, I think lots of what they’ve made holds up great… but definitely not every single sketch holds up), I do have nostalgia from growing up on Python and I enjoyed nostalgically reliving some of that. From childhood hours spent memorizing all the cheeses in the cheese shop so I could recite that whole sketch, to the time I took a philosophy course in university would sing the drunk Philosopher’s Song to myself and giggle during exams.

Incidentally, I recall thinking, when I was a kid, that the fact that they make lowbrow jokes about highbrow things like philosophy means they’re geniuses who are great intellectuals as well as comedians. Now, I see their sketches about philosophers the same way I see Bo Burnham’s poetry about William Shakespeare. It sounds like students learned some basic stuff in English class and then wrote a thing to make fun of it. The Pythons probably know exactly as much about ancient philosophers as I knew from that one university course I took that one time. But it’s still funny. Writing silly songs to puncture the importance of the highbrow stuff you’re taught in school is always funny.

During the Hollywood Bowl show, Graham Champman kept saying “skit”, which I found funny, because surely American audience members who have gone to a Monty Python show know what a sketch is. Or at least could work it out from context.

It’s especially funny because they picked that as the only British thing to translate into American for their audience, and that’s definitely not their most opaquely British thing. They did the Four Yorkshiremen sketch, which requires understanding of what regional accents means. When I was a kid, watching the Four Yorkshiremen sketch was actually the first time I learned about the concept of British regional accents. I remember watching it with my dad and he asked me if I noticed their voices were different, which of course I didn’t, because I didn’t learn to recognize Northern English accents until 2021. But my dad told me they were putting on accents from the North of England, and it’s funny because people from the North of England are more likely to be poor, so then when they grow up, they may talk about how poor they were, but exaggerate the extent of it. And from thence the humour arose.

(Let’s also not get into whether there’s something classist in a group of extremely successful people writing a sketch about how weird it is that all those Northerners reminisce about difficult childhoods, rather than reminiscing about growing up in private school and Oxbridge the way normal people do. But fun fact: The Four Yorkshireman sketch was inspired by a short story by Canadian writer Stephen Leacock. So I guess it isn’t entirely a British story that Americans cannot understand, because socioeconomic inequality exists everywhere, and exaggeration that escalates into absurdity is funny. Fun fact: My dad went to a school called Stephen Leacock Institute when he was a kid.)

It's also interesting to see Monty Python with a live audience, which I’d rarely seen before. A bit weird and at times annoying, the frequency with which they’d whoop and cheer. But I also find that interesting, just as a bit of history. Seeing how wild American crowds went for Monty Python in 1982. It’s interesting to see that Python was so big they transcended the rule that music fans want to hear the old stuff when they go to gigs, but comedy fans want to hear the new stuff. Monty Python wasn’t making new stuff at the time, but if they were, and had done it instead of their classics, I’m pretty sure this crowd would not have liked that. They were very happy to see the classics.

Oh! Here’s another thing I realized while watching it. I have seen that argument sketch so many times, it was one of my favourites when I was young. As kids, my brother and I used to recite it to each other. We’d get into real arguments that would devolve into quoting those characters. But in all that time, I never realized until today that the customer was right. This has nothing to do with comedy analysis or whatever, I’d just missed that part of the sketch before. I’d thought it was a story where a customer tries to get extra time for which he didn’t pay, when John Cleese says his time is up and he argues that it hasn’t been five minutes. But I realized on this watch that it hadn’t. I don’t think the whole sketch lasts five minutes, the argument certainly doesn’t. John Cleese is, in fact, scamming the customer by saying it’s been five minutes and he has to pay again.

So that's my main takeaway from that show. Americans in 1982 went really wild for Monty Python, and John Cleese was scamming the customer in the argument sketch. I've downloaded their 1998 live show too, I'll probably watch that soon and I'll let you all know if I learn anything else important.

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