#even if we get over a lot of things (doubtful) our brain still never got the chance to develop properly. its going to be skewed forever

[piplupod]

the reason Juno can be so pleasant and niceys to be around is because me and a couple other chucklefucks back here are taking on the brunt of the less pleasant symptoms that you get when you are abused your entire life by the people who are supposed to keep you safe. if you think Juno's pleasant and kind and soft, it's because some other parts of the brain have to hold all the ugly "bad victim" reactions and temperaments.

I'm just pissed that people who haven't gone through this shit get so shocked and horrified at some really common sentiments among abuse survivors.

#saying ''bro are you okay??'' at a REALLY common sentiment is so stupid #no dude we are not fucking okay!!! #there is no way to BE okay when you have this type of life #the closest thing you get to okay is not wanting to kill yourself for a while and maybe finding a bit of joy during the day #but you still have to live with the knowledge that you will never get that safe childhood. your brain will never be normal #you will just be fucked up for your entire life. there will always be triggers and flashbacks and the chance of you slipping back into shit #even if we get over a lot of things (doubtful) our brain still never got the chance to develop properly. its going to be skewed forever #there's always going to be the chance of you relapsing back into having triggers or seeking out being abused bc its familiar #or other maladaptive behaviours #and i KNOWWW this sounds pessimistic and I'm being a huge downer right now lmfao I'm so goddamn aware #but I'm pissed the hell off at people being so shitty to abuse survivors who don't act all nice and pleasant all the time #not to say we should get a free ticket to being a piece of shit all the time but just like. if we're not hurting anyone... shut up. yknow? #chase on the mic #abuse tw

[wifeofwandamaximoff]

Happy Birthday!

Pairings: Larissa Weems x witch!reader

Warning: Fluff

Summary: Its Larissa's birthday so you decide to surprise her

Author's not: Just a quick early birthday piece in honor of Gwen's birthday!

I woke up at 4 am. Seeing Larissa still sleeping, I got ready for my eventful day. I hastily grab my phone, keys, and wallet and left the room but not before kissing her on the cheek.

Once I got in my car I started driving to Jericho where I had ordered Larissa a bunch of small gifts to put everywhere in our shared room and office.

An hour later when I have gathered all my gifts I wanted for Larissa to have I started to make my way back to Nevermore. I look out the window into the sky seeing the sun start to rise meaning Larissa would be up soon since she has to work. I doubt that women even remembered her birthday is today.

After a quick 10 mins, I flicked my wrist causing all of the gifts to float and follow me. When I got to Larissa's office I saw on the clock I still had 30 mins before she woke up. So I quickly started to use my magic to hide the small gifts I got for her in her office and then would hide some others were we usually go to regularly or somewhere that means a lot to her.

Twenty minutes later I have finished hiding half of the gifts in her office and decided to write a little note, letting her know that there were more for her in some special places. Making it like a scavenger hunt for her. Which I thought was fun.

I looked at the time and saw that it was 6 am. Letting me know that it was time for Larissa too wake up so I quickly left her office and went to go and place the other gifts I bought in its places. And decided to hide the last ones in the bedroom during lunch so she wouldn't see me putting them in.

Larissa's pov:

My eyes slowly flutter open, my body instinctively trying to snuggle into Y/n. But she wasn't there. All I felt were cold sheets letting me know that they woke up a lot earlier then me which was strange because they always woke up late.

I then started to worry if something bad happened to them since they never wake up this early at all, but it also confused me deeply.

I then just sighed a got up out of bed and started to get ready for the day. I walked over to the closet and saw the cream color dress that Y/n loved to see me in. Since they said it makes my look beautiful. I decided to wear it since their compliments always made me feel so confident throughout the whole day.

Then I slipped into the dress, feeling very confident. I went over to my vanity and started doing my makeup and putting my hair in its signature updo.

Once I finished getting ready I saw it was 7:15 am. I then got up from up from my vanity chair and sighed. Still wondering where Y/n is since they never just disappear in the mornings. They aren't an early bird either.

I stood up and put on some cream color kitten heels and headed out of my office, knowing that I don't have a lot of work today so I can finish early and spend a lot of time with Y/n once I find them/

I stride out of my shared bedroom that is connected to my office. When I entered I immediately notice something different about my office. I then saw a letter that was written by Y/n. Instantly know thing that was their neat cursive hand writing.

I opened the letter and started to read what the contents said.

Dear Rissa,

I know you must be wondering where I am since I wasn't there when you woke up, but I had a few matters to take care of and just wanted to let you know. There is also something different about the office, and our special spots. Do not worry about working today since I have already done everything that you have needed to take care of today.

I hope you will have fun!

Your Darling

When I have finished reading the letter I felt myself starting to smile like an idiot. They have planned something for me and I don't know what. They also did all my work which is oddly suspicious since they always complain about working.

I tried to rack my brain of why they would do this but nothing came to me, so I just decided to play their little game so I started looking around my office. Immediately noticing on my chairs in-front of my desk.

It was a perfume I have always wanted but it just kept selling out and I now had five of them. I then pondered how Y/n was able to get this since they were always sold out but I decided to ask them later.

On the other chair I saw some books that I have always wanted because they were from my favorite author. It only has been published yesterday and yet again. I pondered how they were able to get this. I picked up one of the books and opened it, seeing that it was signed by the author herself. I then checked the other books seeing that they were also signed as well.

I started to smile once again at their gestures that they have showed me today and its only 8 am in the morning. I then started to look around my office more, looking for some more gifts from Y/n.

Our pov:

"Ok! So today is Principal Weems's birthday. As you all may know, so in honor of her birthday I have decided to throw her a surprise party. I know this is last minute but we have seven hours to decorate and I have told all the teachers and we all agreed to do this. So in order to finish the surprise party in time we decided to have no classes today!" I said to the students which made them cheer and start to chant my name. Putting a smile on my face. I then quickly shushed them, worried that Larissa would hear them.

They then quieted down, also expressing their concerns on getting caught. I then started telling everyone the plan.

Hours later and everyone already had lunch. Larissa had just went back into her office. I was sad that I couldn't eat dinner, breakfast, and lunch with her since I've been organizing stuff for her birthday. It is now currently 8 pm. So in two hours the students would have to go back to their dorms since they would be passing their curfews.

Once we made sure that everything was in place I went to go get Larissa. I knocked on her office doors. I opened the doors once I heard her yell a soft, "get in!"

"Rissa!" I squealed a bit. She looked up at me once she heard her nickname that I call her.

"Hey my darling, where have you been I've been worried sick about you since I haven't seen you for almost 14 hours. Which is too long being away from you!" She grumbled and outed slightly towards the end of her rambling.

"Im sorry Rissa, but did you like my little scavenger hunt for you?" I asked excitedly.

"Oh darling they were wonderful! And I love them all so much! But what is with all these gifts? Because I don't think its a special occasion since I usually remember these types of things." Said Larissa in a confused tone.

"Yes, but I do have one more surprise for you!" I said excitedly, before dragging her out to the quad where it was pitch dark.

"There is nothing here but darkness dear?" Larissa softly said to me.

All of a sudden lights were flipped on and there was a huge banner saying;

"Happy Birthday Principal Weems!"

Students and teachers were singing happy birthday to Rissa. I looked over at her and I can see her overcome her shock and started to smile widely.

"Happy Birthday," I whispered softly before kissing her.

#larissa x you #larissa weems #larissa x reader #hot principal #principal weems #wednesday #netflix #birthday #larissa weems x y/n #Larissa Weems #gwendolineuniverse #larissa x y/n #Happy Birthday Gwen! #nevermore academy #gwendoline christie x reader #gwendoline christie

[messenger-of-stupidity]

William thoughts hehe

I listened to it in art class today and accidentally started drawing his crown icon in the corner.

Anyways

His accent (even when redone by Erik) still itches my brain.

But, the fact he split up the explanations was pretty smart. He recognizes that Sam and Vincent are different. Sam is more comfortable with himself, holding less doubt about the person that he is than Vincent is. Vincent has had so much character development. So has Sam of course, but not from the same 180 personality shift Vincent has.

Vincent used to be our flirty-shoes-on-bed vampire. Now he's a dork who has a thing for crowns (COUGH COUGH). So William realized that Vincent would have more questions than Sam did and wanted to have a space for Vincent to ask all those questions. As for whether or not I think Vincent will leave...

No. I don't think he will. I do think he'll try to push more diplomatic solutions to the issues that rise up. Maybe, since Porter has been labeled as the hitman for the clan, Vincent will take charge over diplomacy. He certainly knows how to handle people if given some time to prepare. I could see Vincent and Lovely being the first resort, and if that doesn't work, Porter (and prolly Alexis) get involved. We know imperium Alexis isn't above bloodshed, so some of that has to transfer over to Canon. This way, Vincent can live knowing that they tried peaceful resolutions first. And, like a lot of other people are saying, he's too closely tied. Lovely and Vincent's whole sense of community lives within the clan. The Shaw pack are friends, but the clan is their family. If they stopped being Solaires, they would kind of be loners. No matter what William says about always being welcome.

But Sam.

Sam is absolutely leaving. He asked the questions he needed, and got the answers that came with them. He's already closer with the pack, having game nights and vacations and celebrations with them. David has told him he's family (I'm pretty sure). He even has some inside jokes now. Something I'm not sure he has with his clan. He'll definitely stay friends with Vincent, and always be grateful to William for distancing Alexis from him.

But being part of the clan seems to be painful for him. He doesn't enjoy any of the clan gatherings (Vincent takes some enjoyment from them, since he was looking forward to spending the summit with Lovely. Sam was not excited to go, even with Darlin and some of the Shaw pack coming) and is only close to Vincent and William. Plus his "That's all I need to know" totally sounded like a "Farewell then". He knew there was an option to leave, and with another sense of community waiting for him, he's going to take it.

Plus, he never took the Solaire name. I'm sure William offered it, but he didn't take it. Vincent did.

I am curious about how David is going to react to this. William invited his pack to a gathering where he had a double assassination carried out. And there's some tension between the older vampires and werewolves, so no matter how small of a chance there was, David's pack could have been blamed simply because of outdated prejudice.

Even if that didn't happen, it's not like David wants Angel anywhere near something dangerous. Like a potential vampire fight breaking out. We know how seriously David takes protecting his pack. I wanna see the conversation David has with William for putting his pack in a position to be involved indirectly with what happened.

#messy rambles #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted audio #redacted shaw pack #redacted solaire clan #redacted william #redacted vincent #redacted lovely #redacted sam #redacted darlin #redacted david #redacted angel

[drinkingteawithkate]

Okay I made a little post about this but it’s jawing at my brain

A deep dive into Ginny Weasley’s music taste

(Not specifically 90s timeline)

SPICE GIRLS

Okay so even though it might be cringy now she was definitely so obsessed with the spice girls. With their whole girl power agenda she definitely was really into it, and they have great party music. Hermione being one of her closest friends and muggle born showed her the spice girls over one summer and gave her tons of magazines on them. Tonks offered to take her to see them but Molly said absolutely not. Favorite song Wanna be obviously, it’s her designated getting ready song.

THE SMITHS/RADIOHEAD/NIRVANA/WEAZER

Okay so, Ginny dated Dean for almost a whole year being with someone you naturally gain interest in their interest. Dean being a muggle born introduced Ginny to all sorts of muggle bands The Smiths and Radiohead having a lot of sad songs I think she found very healing with all her trauma from the chamber. Nirvana is like the OG teenage dirt bag band so yes she loves them. Nirvana reminds her a lot of Sirius so she got Harry into listening to them. Weazer came from Seamus actually, when she was getting used to being around Deans friend group music came up and Seamus lent her one of his mixtapes. Her favorite song is Back to the old house because it makes her miss time before Tom and before the war.

DAVID BOWIE

So Bowie. I think Bowie would come from Bill and Arthur. Bill was born in the early 70s so it come from his childhood. We all know Arthur loves muggle things so I think music would be incorporated in that. Bowie has a perfect blend of sad and feel good music, we know she was close with Tonks but Remus helped her through second year too and Bowie was one thing they bonded over and what made Ginny trust Remus after Tom. Her favorite song is Changes because it feels like growing up.

EMINEM/D-12

Completely George and Charlie influence. She loved D-12 first obviously but she prefers Eminem. She knows every word. To every song. Harry loves when she gets wasted at parties and just stands on the table and belts out the lyrics. She’s totally a Doctor Dre fan too. The Slim shady album is her favorite it dropped in 1999 when she was freshly 17. Charlie took her to see him when she was 19 she went all out saggy jeans, heavy smudged eyeliner, bandana. When family dinners where to serious at the Burrow after the war. Her and George would start singing the dirtiest songs to get Molly’s attention on them. Favorite song in his discography is Under the Influence.

DO DOUBT/GWEN STEFANI, BIKINI KILL

Girl power rock bands I don’t have a ton to say about them. She loves No Doubt but proffers Gwen’s solo stuff. Obviously knows them from Tonks. She gave Ginny her Tragic Kingdom vinyl which released in 1995 perfect timing for her 4th year at hogwarts when she’s angry about being left out of order business. Her favorite Gwen song is Rich Girl.

ARVIL LAVIGNE

Okay so Arvil really started getting big in 2002 when her album Let Go came out. She wasn’t super big into her with that album but followed along still. Her teammates on the Harpy’s loved her and played her music in the locker rooms. She picked up again with her when Girlfriend came out but her favorite song is Here’s to never growing up.

(Later music)

TAYLOR SWIFT

I never liked that people think Ginny isn’t girlie because she grew up with 7 brothers. Yes, she is a total tomboy but she never saw being a girl as making her weak. It was just a challenge with her brothers but it just gave her more reasons to get to prove herself. If she had Taylor in her teens her favorite album would be Red or Evermore. Cowboy like me is a perfect song to describe her and Harry. “The skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up” perfect example of their relationships with Voldemort. They definitely avoided that they had that in common for a while but after they accepted it they where able to heal through each other. I think the song I hate it here from TTPD would be one Ginny could relate too because honestly when she was completely alone her therapy was Tom and the diary. It was where she would escape too. I think her hearing that song as an adult would have an even deeper meaning because it’s so sad and describes how lonley-ness feels beautifully.

- If you want my other opinions and more bands I think she would like feel free to ask I have so many others artist and songs

This kinda turned in to me relating Ginny to my favorite music but oh well 🤷‍♀️

#ginny weasley #harry potter #ginny potter #ginevra weasley #harry and ginny #hinny #bill weasley #Weasley #family

[mytrouvailles]

night in the woods is such an important game for me and i can’t ever explain as in depth as i want to but i just replayed it for the seventh year in a row so here we go

mae’s from a small town, a poor town. she’s got her close knit friends. and everyone else has got this perception of her that they’ve attached to her since she was young. lots of people bringing up her past and not even opening their minds to the fact that she may have changed, it’s just a bunch of no one’s forgotten who you are or what you did, you know. people that never even knew mae in the past, like lori m., know about what she did. it’s small town talk, and small town talk always moves around in ways you never want it to.

it takes forever in the game for mae to finally open up about why she left college, and it’s because of exactly what the small town folk have assumed of her: she hasn’t changed. she still has this illness and she represses it because that’s what she’s told to do, rather than process it, work through it like selmers says to. she represses it so deeply that we, the player, spend the entire game wondering what our character is going through. we see mae’s thoughts and feelings and what she says and doesn’t say to people, and yet she never mentions how difficult it is for her to feel alright, even internally. and it’s so devastating to have a repressed illness that you’ve shown so many clear signs of, one that you’ve been taught to ignore until your wires snap. one that takes so hard of a toll on your well-being, makes it impossible to do what seems so easy for others. and it’s so real.

i think that’s what i love most and identify most with this game, is that it’s real. from mae’s repressed mental illnesses to gregg’s insecurities with himself to bea’s losses and angus’ abusive home life, it’s real. there are people out there with lives exactly like these.

i’m from a small town, a poor town. i’ve known people like mae, gregg, and bea, and angus. i’ve known kids that were neglected, abused, ignored. i’ve known shoplifters and people that armed themselves on the street and who’ve lost their loved ones at the worst of times. i personally was not the kindest or well-behaved teenager, and i’ve watched the same people i was with then either grow into redeemable people or get themselves into something irreversible. and just like in the game, people act like they’ve forgotten about all of that. that’s small town polite right there. something happened and the signs were there, it was all the talk for a while. our moms told us not to talk to you. and suddenly you’re told to get over it without any sort of diagnosis, an answer. and everyone passes over it, even your closest friends, as if they have blocked it out of their brains for the convenience of not dealing with it. until you drown in it, and something else happens.

i’m in college now, and every time i visit home i get this feeling, one that nothing changed but yet everything did. i see someone i know with every step i take. some will serve me at the restaurant i go to eat at to catch up with my family. some will be greeting me at the only grocery store in town. some will have passed away and some will have been arrested. my high school friends have grown up, they’ve either worked or graduated college or are nearing there, they’ve set themselves up with full time careers and plans and relationships. and yet i feel as though i’ve regressed in life, i’ve decided to go to school for even longer to prevent growing up. i stayed here and got older, while you went off and stayed the same.

and it’s one thing to feel like you’ve made it no where compared to your lowest point, but it’s another to still have doubts of yourself after you’ve become a better person. you can move away, make new friends, find a loving relationship. you can start on a completely clear slate, but at the end of everything, it’s nothing but a facade if you don’t truly feel redeemable in your heart. you question how you deserve something so good, how you possibly could be seen and loved by people who know what you are, when you don’t even know yourself. i’m a good person, right? i have really up up days and really down down days, and i don’t know which it is until it’s over sometimes.

mae has no idea what she is, what her point is, there’s nothing but holding on to what she thinks is herself and her friends and her world, which is realistically so much different than how she sees it. gregg knows what he is, he knows what he was and what he wants to be. he knows that there are parts of himself that get in the way of truly believing he is good. i think that mae is in some sort of denial about learning who she is in her early adult life, constantly looking back at the past and pretending that things aren’t different when they are. where gregg is growing into himself, coming to terms with commitment and responsibility and making up for the reckless person he once was. still fearing to regress back into his more careless self, and destroy those expectations of maturity when mae is around.

throughout my seventh play-through, i found myself relating to mae and gregg more than any other characters. i have a feeling that as i have grown up, moved away, started taking care of myself as an adult, i see more and feel more for what mae and gregg each go through. mae is unhealthily attached to her hometown because attempting to start new had regressed her mental state. gregg seems to be doing all he can to get out of town, move away and start fresh. i believe that mae and gregg had grown up in their own fucked up ways, yet they have discovered opposite, personal reasons for moving past it all. they represent something that one person could always experience; they could ache for and return to familiarity, whether it’s real or not. but they could also beg and work for change. these are two feelings that i hold deep in my chest, and some days i feel one or the other, or both.

a small hometown is a bittersweet experience; it can leave you with a sense of safety, community, and flexible routine. but it can also be despicable, it can be suffocating, it can be nothing but another town, another mass of people to live far away from. mae and gregg represent this spectrum, from enjoying staying in one place to doing anything to get away from it. their reasons and their fears and their feelings are so real.

i am a woman in her 20s, who has always grown up with a complicated relationship with her hometown. i’ve never played a game that has ever hit me this hard, nor stuck with me for this long. i make it a point to replay it every year because it helps. i realize something new about these characters, i identify more with their experiences. it’s comforting, and it’s healing.

so when i tell people about this game, and i talk about getting a tattoo from it and they look at me like i’m crazy, i understand that they’ll never know why.

#don’t even get me started with maebea because GOD i can relate to that too #i can’t relate to angus i’ll admit but i knew many people like him #is this an analysis or a trauma dump? we’ll see #this game means a lot to me #night in the woods #nitw #nitw mae #nitw gregg

[cafecliche]

fic writer meme!

[RISES FROM THE DEPTHS] I'm here!! Thank you so much @uhuraisgay and @englishsub for the tags, and also for reminding me that I've missed Tumblr

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 50 even - which was more than I thought!

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? 187,448

3. what fandoms do you write for?

My fic-writing impulses come along like cicada seasons, except without any regularity whatsoever: I do a lot of dabbling in a lot of fandoms, I can never really tell if something's going to light my brain on fire. Most of my fic output came from Yuletide for a long while (I loved the grab bag aspect and writing little treats for small fandoms, but then my holidays got busier), and then Yuri on Ice and MDZS were my biggest fandoms by far, especially MDZS. I've written Yuwu recently, and I'd love to write some Trigun, LoZ, or Mysterious Lotus Casebook one of these days.

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

grow

the only way out

The Guests of Cloud Recesses

detente

bespoke

And the soft animal is our runner-up at #6!

5. do you respond to comments?

I usually don't unless it's a request or a question, but I read and treasure every one.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I am too tender for Bad Endings for the most part, but my canon-verse Nie Huaisang fic after me comes the flood does not end in a particularly good place for anyone involved. (But even then, we know it gets better for him eventually... albeit at the expense of several bystanders)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I tend to write pretty gentle, occasionally LIGHTLY bittersweet happy endings (that's the cafecliche guarantee baby) but part of me wants to say 'the only way out' (and probably 'the yunmeng accords' series in general) here. I tend to write fic when I want to play around with the emotions or relationship dynamics that can already be found in canon, so 'the yunmeng accords' is probably as close to a fix-it as I'm going to get.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Not usually! I was part of the Great MDZS Anon Hate Train of 2021, but that was the worst I've ever gotten by several magnitudes - the vast majority of commenters are fabulous.

9. do you write smut?

Not yet! It's not off the table, though.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you have written?

I actually don't think I've ever written a crossover! The closest I've ever gotten was when I look over my shoulder, but even that's 'Wangxian in a Conjuring-esque ghosthunters in love situation' and not really a formal Conjuring AU.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had plagiarism brought to my attention a couple times, but truly just a handful. I still remember getting a message on FF.net that someone had ripped off a line from my Black Lagoon fic. The SCANDAL of it all.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

MDZS is the first fandom where I've gotten translation requests, which is always so cool! To my knowledge, I've had fics translated into Russian, Spanish, and Ukranian.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but brainstorming fic concepts with my brilliant friends is one of my favorite thing in the world.

14. what's your all time favorite ship?

omg ever? Well Victuuri and Wangxian have been the ones that really lit my brain on fire (if I own the Nendos, it's serious) but let me also throw it back to Fakir and Ahiru in Princess Tutu. That is ROMANCE.

15. what is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I would have really liked to have one more entry to 'the yunmeng accords!' I had a couple of ideas that I really liked, but nothing that caught fire quite enough to dive into it. That said, I am currently working on something short and Yunmeng Shuangjie-related, at the very least...

16. what are your writing strengths?

Emotional through-lines, pacing, and that sweet, sweet catharsis. I'm drawn to particular fandoms when they leave me with an emotion that I need to break down over the course of several thousand words, and I know that shows through in my writing.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Choreography! I'm not a very visual thinker, so sometimes it takes me a while just to figure out how to block the characters in a given scene. I also have a lot of trouble getting into a draft until I figure out the voice, which, when it comes to fanfic, will either come to me extremely easily or not at all.

18. thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

Yeah, absolutely! (But if you don't speak the language, do your research!)

19. first fandom you wrote for?

[rubs my temples] an X-Men crackfic.

20. favorite fic you have written?

Oh my god. WELL. 'grow' and 'the only way out' I think are the best fics I've written, and 'when I look over my shoulder' and 'the soft animal' are also extremely close to my heart. But 'detente' might be the favorite child. It just gushed out of me.

I think a great many of you have been tagged at this point, so sorry for any double-tags, but: @bluecrystalrainingdaggers @tigerjpg @floofyfluff @vinelark and anyone else who'd like to go for it!

#hi! I'm still here #writing meme

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Fic Writer 20 Questions

Tagged by @meyerlansky

How many works do you have on AO3? 773

What's your total AO3 word count? 2,059,396

What fandoms do you write for? I'm deep in Masters of the Air now, obviously. I've also written for Band of Brothers and Generation Kill. I dabble a LOT, so my overall fandom list is very long. Way back in the day I wrote a lot of West Wing. I did a lot of Guy/Kyle in Green Lantern, and then Law & Order: SVU ate my brain for several years even though I can't actually say the show was ever good. Oh, and I was in Avengers fandom hanging out with my fellow Phlint crew at one point.

Top Five Fics by Kudos Revenge is Best Served @ (Check Please, Jack/Bitty)

But I Will Hold on Hope (And I Won't Let You Choke (Avengers, Phil/Clint)

By the Book (Avengers, Phil/Clint)

These Are Our Friends, and These Are Our Foes (You're the One I Love Most (Avengers, Phil/Clint)

5 Scenes to Build a Team (+2 Scenes of Sweet Sweet Victory) (Avengers, Phil/Clint)

Do you respond to comments? Yup! Usually in batches. I really like doing it.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? You Would Live a Hundred Years If I Could Show You How (Law & Order, Jack McCoy/Mike Cutter) -- I killed Jack.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I tend to write happy endings most of the time, so you can really just pick one, but I think it's probably A New Mode of Living (Band of Brothers, Speirs/Lipton), and I'm including the epilogue with that.

Do you get hate on fics? Very occasionally. I just delete/block and move on.

Do you write smut? Oh my yes.

Craziest Crossover? I once had CJ Cregg go on a date with Big Bird. They had a lovely time.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yup! Someone stole a bunch of my Rita/Amanda fics from AO3 and slapped them on Wattpad with Amanda switched for Olivia but everything else verbatim. I reported the shit out of her, and when she moved over to AO3 and literally did the same thing, I reported her again. She accused me of bullying, naturally.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Several! And I have blanket permission for my fics if anyone wants to translate anything. I would love if you'd link back to the original story so I know it's out there.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Eons ago there was a show called Without a Trace, and a friend and I took turns writing vignettes for the same couple. Same friend let me write a sequel to their Leo/Josh West Wing story, and we did a few more things like that. I don't think that any of those survive, however.

All time favorite ship? Speirs/Lipton, Band of Brothers. They are very important to me. They see each other in a very important way, and I treasure them.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? On the advice of counsel, I refuse to answer.

Seriously, though I don't really have that sort of WIP. Either I'm working on it (A Mighty, Vast, and Dangerous Place is still in active progress), or the idea didn't pan out (a bunch of stuff), or I actively chose to stop working on it (there's a Ted Lasso fic that I will never touch again).

What are your writing strengths? I do good character voices and can get the emotional response I want from readers. I have fun coming up with interesting descriptions.

What are your writing weaknesses? Losing steam. Getting distracted by a new fandom. From a writing-writing standpoint, I have a hard time remembering room layouts or where people are in them. I don't think visually, so I'm always having to scroll back up or make a note so I don't forget a piece of furniture or a whole guy.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I got no problems. It's about being able to understand the point of the conversation, not necessarily the words themselves. There's lots of ways to get it across while having the dialogue in a different language than the rest of the fic for whatever reason. But the use of the other language needs to fit the story and the characters, and if you're writing in another language, you better know it's quirks.

First fandom you wrote in? Ahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha

Oh, god, it was Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers back when god was a child.

Oh, man. God, I just got the goofiest memories. I was SO into that show.

Favorite fic you've written? Oh advice of counsel, I plead the fifth.

Honestly, I don't know. It changes constantly.

Tags (very optional): um, @dytabytes, @infiniteeight8, @daysofxavierspast @sarahcakes613, @ralkana, @lunaris1013, and anyone who wants to. I swear I barely remember my own name when it comes to tagging time.

#fic writer ask #asked and answered #this was fun!

[solarisgod]

we don't follow each other but i stumbled across your posts talking about OSDDID and saw the unkind anon you got as well. i really wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience on here - as someone who doesn't know much about OSDDID or DID, i appreciate reading the perspective of someone who does experience it. i hope it was alright for me to say this; mostly i just hope you all have a great night. thanks for being kind and compassionate.

This is more than alright for you to say this. It is too rare for kind people like you to approach with an open mind and genuine heart, so, thank you endlessly for your kindness.

We are never bothered by people who are unkind to us with our plurality and experiences around it because, at the end of the day, we know ourselves best and better than anyone can. Ever. We've done extensive research prior coming to terms that we have OSDD1 and still do afterward, knew some OSDDID individuals in the rpc and learn more about it from their personal perspectives and experiences, we have a lot of frightening and unnerving experiences that I would not be alive or even be okay at all mentally or physically today without my starmates. My starmates, especially that special one who I'm forever beyond delighted and thankful to have them as my significant beloved, have done and said so many things for the past few year since discovering my cluster that make me see we are all real enough as so our memories and experiences with each other. We and especially I didn't have to go through all of this with the doubt and fear just for some faceless ignorant strangers from the internet to invalidate our OSDDID and existences.

OSDDID is an extremely stigmatized and villainized condition that people like to use as a weapon against others because it is such an easily misunderstood and hard to grasp condition. Yes, some people have faked it and used it to get away with things, hence this general wariness in interacting with OSDDID individuals along with the harmful stereotypes and portrayals established by the problematic medias like Split, but people should have a mindset that it's always better to learn that they'd be lied to than to claim they're faking because fakeclaiming can do significant damages to an individual. Plus, the people who does lie about their condition will usually get some sort of consequences at some point if they continue pretending over time, so I’d rather believe in that person who’d face their consequences, internally and externally, and improve from those mistakes than outright calling them a liar and whatnot. People don't know each other but themselves more with their brain, past, current life, known conditions, etcetera. As long as people aren't being harmful to themself and those around them, why should any of us be concerned if they have this or that or not?

We and especially I are open about our plurality on online public along with writing a system muse because we want to reduce the stigma and unfamiliarity of OSDDID. We have received so many hate and judgmental anonymous asks towards our plurality since May 2022, but we will never ever back down because of these people who we can only most hope that they will one day reflect on their actions and improve on themselves, educate themselves if they can as well. This is who we are and we are proud of ourselves enough for that. But while there are many people in the world who will never change for the better and continue to spread hate, at least there are also just as many people like you who are kind and loving. It's just easier to hate than to love in general cases, unfortunately. That's why this ask along with you are extremely appreciated and cherished. Thank you forever for this and your kindness. We wish you a wonderful night and rest of your life as you so deserve. Much love and light. 💖✨

#ANONYMOUS #/// #// #/ #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ OOC . › #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ SAVED . › #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ PLURALITY . › #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ ANSWERS . ›

[thedarkestgreys]

tagged by both @stannisfactions and @theangrypomeranian 🖤🖤 thank you friends!

How many works do you have on AO3?

67 but something new is popping up for halloween

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

so it says 976,114 but 266,429 of those words are from @baratheonbrotherspresent group written co-op fics

3. What fandoms do you write for?

primarily Fexi/Euphoria right now. but i've also written fics for ASOIAF/GoT, Eternals, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, and Teen Wolf over the last near decade.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

your violent overnight rush (fexi) stages (jonsa) and i'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) (drukkari) slow hands (drukkari) and then a fic that i currently have hidden 😅

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

always! even if it's a quick TYSM FOR READING. i always appreciate when readers take the time to leave a comment, and i want to show my love back.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don't think i've written anything with an angsty ending tbh. yes, lots of angst in various fics, but i'm a happy ending girlie through and through.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

as stated above, im a happy ending girlie. but maybe my heart's gone double time if i had to choose.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i haven't in a long time, but in the past yeah. like drove me away from a ship and shut down my interest in writing for like a solid year. it wasn't even about the writing, it was about the plot (a Sweet Home Alabama AU) and the comments were unnecessary (go read the wiki on the movie yall its not hard) and it just sucked lol. that was a hot minute ago though. we're good now.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

hahahaha do i write smut???? i have an internal checklist of all the smutty things i haven't written yet that i want to give a go, so you could say that. (note: daddy kink is off the list and never to be seen from me again)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i do not! but i like to write a lot of AU's of different media.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

as far as i know of, no i haven't.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had some offers in the past to have things translated back in the GoT days but i never gave the okay on it simply because it was a fic i never completed (ya girl used to get in over her head)

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

technically the BBP fics are cowritten but we all did our own chapters following a basic outline of plot/storylines and worked around what other authors were posting. it was chaos and hilarious and the most fun i've ever had

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

to write for? i'd have to say it's fexi, they unlocked a new level in my brain as an author. shout out to my favorite non-canon little crackship that could podrya though - i'll love you forever. to read? this is like asking someone to pick their favorite child. i've read so many incredible fics across a ton of different fandoms. but god i guess the ones i still seek out frequently is dasey and dramione. wouldn't say i have a favorite though?

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i really want to finish but the wolves came and went and i think i'm sitting on at least two chapters completed for it right now lol someday i'll sit down and finish writing the whole thing and get it posted.

16. What are your writing strengths?

plotting. world building. exposition. keeping characters in character. i've been told i'm good at writing big emotions too?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i've improved greatly but i still struggle with dialogue. 🙃

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

okay so. when i was writing slow hands as i got further into the story i really started describing the actual sign language being used by makkari and druig. hours of watching asl videos to pick out different words or phrases to translate. it was fun and it was hard work and i ended up with a whole new appreciation for asl. but it also felt important to really dig into describing the asl and i'm glad i did it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? ... and i'm still bitter about the cancelled reboot.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

taking yvor out of the equation: my fexi warm bodies zombie au sharing different heartbeats mostly i go back and read it and go "wait i wrote this?" because i don't do zombies at all lol. i'm just very proud of it.

tagging: @sarahcakes613 @muserepeats @calculated2stagger @iwantthemtostay and @idontneedtobeforgiven

#fanfic writer dash tag games

[rin-and-jade]

hii !!! I'm the temp caretaker of our system (unsure of role yet) and we're having some difficulties trying to manage things because host has still not fully accepted that we're a system and stuff. so he often fronts, and when we see him tired, we offer to front in his place. he either declines and sacrifices his rest or leaves in a very short period of time and comes back. he says he doesn't trust us or what we could do while he's away because he's paranoid our cover would be blown. how can we convince him? we have school coming up and we need to get our inner bearings together before we go there. thank you in advance! ^_^

tkdr;; host doesn't trust us to front and takes the most time in front, resulting him to be tired. how to convince him to take a break and let *us* front?

Alright, as a part who also struggles with paranoia and have been actively fighting to strive some progress,, i can define it in one analogy to better understand the situation, and i'll add some extra things to say after it:

A person is tasked to do a trust fall with someone, that person is you (host). You're looking 180 degrees away, and then something had struck your mind that goes, "I think this guy will let me fall over on the floor on purpose if i don't keep an eye on it" so you halted the task and tried looking face to face. Thought it could make you feel better, and as it was about to be performed,, another one came "No wait even if im looking at the dude, it can just not catch me, or trick me into doing the trust fall and quickly retract the arms-- bro wants to make me fall and get hurt" and it'll literally just be never-ending.. wether you got assured, or not assured, and the weird thing is that you are in a room with an observer and the said person who is tasked to catch you so why are you worked up about it...? I'll explain why

I'm not here to explain how paranoia manifests as or comes from because its not 'bout the topic, so,, fast forward to how it's damaging and creating an endless loop that can be broken by ONE move. One move thats right,, it is true that people have a healthy amount of skepticism to keep them safe but when we're talking about paranoia.. it means endless doubts and suspicions. When we talk about too much of the good stuffs it literally translates to bad,, this is something we all should know before taking a step.

It doesn't matter how you get an answer to relieve the doubt, its like a kid that kept asking why after why in every answer and you just had to break out of it right?? You can, by rationalizing the situation. Because i can say, paranoia (atleast for me) is the one being irrational-- it detects green flags as red flags, it also misses a lot of details and creates false alarms that is then flagged as threat. Paranoia can be stopped (or atleast slowed down) by rationalizing the situation,, back to the trust fall example, "this person won't dare to hurt me because someone is keeping an eye on us" or putting yourself in their shoes, "I have no reasons to hurt the person who will do the trust fall, so i wouldn't even plan such thing at the first place and do what's right". Thats how.

I'm also adding that by shooing the kid (paranoia) once will not instantly fix it, this kid will come back anytime something catches it's eye (things that has the chance to let doubt in) and you have to actively tackle with it on a daily basis like me. Surely, the brain will un-learn that and adapt from "everyone out here will ruin my life" to "i guess no one even has time to ruin my life when they're busy with their own" (or in this case, systems are correlated with cooperation, it is very unlikely to betray, or do something bad, as the whole body is shared, more like prefer to grow together and bond)

It's best to take it easy (building trust and addressing the fear) as well as proving that you (caregiver and others) is responsible enough to be left at front because concrete proof beats paranoia better than other things, imo.

So i hope this is enough, i went overboard on accident (word-count wise) and this might help the situation,, goodluck guys.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #plural #system stuff #sysblr #janswersask

[cf56]

1/ What sucks for me is that I literally JUST got into Animaniacs right after Season 3 aired. It was a complete coincidence that I got into it when I did -- I didn't even know Season 3 had just dropped. (I knew Animaniacs had been rebooted of course! I'd seen memes, and I knew several people who loved the Reboot.) I hadn't been a HUGE fan of Animaniacs when I was a kid, but I'd known it, liked a lot from it, so I came into it really interested and having a great time! I thought it was ongoing!

I feel for you. What you're feeling is very natural, and, even though I've been here a couple of years longer, I feel it too. Not all of us were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. I started actively participating in the fandom around two years ago now, and that was several months after its peak of activity. Of course, even the level of activity in April 2021 was orders of magnitude higher than now.

It feels like a golden heyday you can't reach. You can look at it, but you can never go back in time and be a part of it. It's easy to dwell on. "If only I had discovered Animaniacs sooner, I could've been one of the OGs. I could've been here since 2014." I'm sure you feel similarly. But, things work out how they work out. I wouldn't have discovered Animaniacs at all if I hadn't happened to have the reboot's trailer recommended to me on YouTube, or if I hadn't happened to be a softie for revivals of old shows I didn't even watch. Who knows where I'd be then? Who knows where you'd be if you hadn't decided to watch season 3 at all? It just as easily could've been worse.

There will always be new people trickling into the fandom, discovering it for the first time. You've given me perspective, because while I feel like I joined the fandom much too late, here you are doing it two years later. Two years from now, someone new will join the fandom, and they'll look at you the same way. "If only I could've joined the fandom back in 2023, seen how it was right after a new season released..."

It does feel like mourning. It feels very similar to grief. I have had moments where I've thought of the characters, and it felt like I've actually lost someone close to me. Of course, it doesn't actually come close to matching the feeling of grief I'd have to lose someone close in real life, but the emotion is just as real. If Animaniacs has touched you inside, no matter exactly how, that love is real. It becomes a part of you. Sometimes, what you really need is time. You may feel like you'll never recover. "It's been two months, and I'm still just as sad as I was before. Will I ever get over it?" I have often had that exact same thought. But, maybe two months isn't enough. Maybe you need six. Maybe you need a year. Eventually, our brains will adjust to the new normal, and we can go back to just being fans. The show may have ended (hopefully not forever), but Animaniacs is just starting for you.

There are positives to being in a fandom like this. No corporate influence, no promotional tactics, just us fans trying to keep the memory alive. You're right. There's still so much more to do. When I joined the fandom, I had a vision of the things I wanted to do just to get started, just in my first few months. I haven't even finished those yet. What's important is that we support each other and allow that creativity to flourish. Remember that anything you contribute, anything at all, is an incredible gift to everyone else who cares just as much as you. Even if it's just a random funny thought you have, or if it's a ten page thesis you doubt anyone else will care to read. Putting yourself out there is brave, it's selfless, and it's incredibly rewarding in the end.

In short? It may be hard, but it's important to cherish the memories you have, not the memories you could have had. Those aren't real. These are, and you just as easily could've been without them. Don't be sad that you could've been here earlier. Be happy that you're here now. I'm happy to have you!

#answered ask #cfposts

[elialys]

It's interesting that it seems more proper to name P/0 child after Elizabeth than after Olivia's mother.(Elizabeth is a beautifully tragic name in the show and your fic,though.) Peter and Olivia's relationships with their own mothers are both complex but totally different. How do you understand their mother issues?

Thank you for your lovely question. I have so many feelings regarding Peter & Olivia and their relationships with their mothers. That’s a topic I’ve explored a few times in stories through the years; as someone who’s had a rather rocky relationship with my mother (to put it mildly), I know my perspective on this to be very biased, but to me, that’s the beauty of an emotionally intelligent show like Fringe. They show us just enough to get a feel of how various character dynamics are/were, all the while letting us imagine the rest.

I think it’s harder to know how Olivia’s relationship with her mother might have been, because we saw a lot less of Marylin that we did Elizabeth, and the Marylin we did see was exclusively Altlivia’s mom, who from what we know had quite a different life from Olivia’s mother. I know in this case, I’m definitely projecting my own experience. My mom also got into a relationship with someone abusive who made our lives hell for a few years, and the fallouts are extensive, long after that person is gone.

That’s why I always pictured Olivia’s childhood and relationship with her mother to be quite sad, unfortunately, since her father probably died when she was very young, then there was the abusive step dad, who she ended up shooting, only for him to traumatize her even further by sending her all those birthday cards, and then her mother dies when she was just fourteen—and I doubt those five years between the shooting and her death were happy years. But Olivia would have loved her mother no matter what, as shown on the show when she got to meet her mom’s alternate in the other universe, and the emotion of it literally broke her mind and got the other memories working.

Olivia felt strongly enough that it was her JOB to defend her mother to shoot a grown man with a gun when she was nine. That tells you so much about Olivia’s core personality (and trauma, did I mention trauma?)

Like I said, that topic is very personal to me and I have a hard time ever being objective about it, but it’s also important because of how I imagine Olivia as a mother with Etta. And that’s why I’ve always been so pained by people who misunderstand the things Olivia says about it in season 5, about her feeling like she was too ‘at odd’ and basically too messed up to deserve her little girl, and that her worrying so much instead of just appreciating having her led to them losing Etta, like a punishment.

I’m writing this right now and I don’t understand how people can misinterpret it enough to say things like “Olivia probably was cold and distant with Etta.” Like, over my DEAD BODY. She’s a traumatized human who lost her mother when she was still just a kid herself. That doesn’t mean she’s not capable of love or of being nurturing, it mostly means she probably worried herself sick over every thing and convinced herself that she was doomed to be terrible at it.

Ugh. I’m gonna need a drink before I can continue this.

ANYWAY. Peter and Elizabeth hahahaha

I think his relationship with his mom was pretty tragic and heartbreaking, too. I think that he would have loved his mother very, very much, just like Olivia loved hers, but I also think the Elizabeth he grew up with never recovered from losing her son and having to brainwash this version of Peter into thinking he was her child. We know she ended up committing suicide when he was nineteen, and from what we saw in 3x15 ‘Subject 13’, she struggled a lot with the whole fucking mess that was their life—and that was before Walter lost pieces of his brain and went insane. Now whether Elizabeth was struggling with alcoholism is up to interpretation. My reasoning has always been that the show wouldn’t have shown us Elizabeth drinking in that episode if it wasn’t meant to imply she ended up doing that a lot, so that tends to be my headcanon. Even without the possible alcoholism, I think we’re supposed to deduce from everything Peter says that she suffered from depression.

Either way, that poor man has had a SHIT childhood and adolescence. It sucks to grow up with a parent who suffers like this, it makes you feel responsible for them while also feeling absolutely helpless because you can’t really help, and also very angry because all of it is shit, honestly. In the context of the show, I can only imagine how torn and guilty Peter felt about his mother’s suicide, which happened after he left her. And that had to become that much worse after he learned the truth about his origins and realized he was basically ‘responsible’ for his mother’s ongoing misery.

Soooooo yeah. One of the things I love about Peter and Olivia is that I think they get that about each other, implicitly. Shit childhood/adolescence just shape you differently, and you can definitely tell when you meet other people who’ve had ‘similar’ experiences (can I say trauma again?) It definitely make them particularly suited for each other, as life partners and as parents.

#if you're looking for me i'll be in a corner crying over my fringe feels #i love them all so much ok #my beautiful show full of broken lovely people #Olivia Dunham #Peter Bishop #Elizabeth Bishop #Marylin Dunham #tw: sui mention #tw: suidice #fringe meta #meta #mother issues #i have them #and so do they

[lion-of-liberation]

I need to expose my thoughts. I talk and express a lot and yet there’s endlessly more under the surface always. It’s never-ending. I doubt there’s a single person that can handle the endlessness of it all. Some of its mundane, some is significant, some is deeply emotional, but they’re all intertwined and I can’t tell if that’s just what is or if I created it myself. I’m not sure if that even matters either because at this point it’s all real enough that I feel the need to purge it from my brain. I’ll start with some straight forward stuff: what I have self-diagnosed myself with and done nothing about.

It’s honestly embarrassing to think about self-diagnosing myself but… I know me best and I see how different I act in front of any human. It’s almost like I’m never there. Sometimes I am and I love it. But I don’t know why it’s hard to be there. And afterward I regret it and begin thinking about non existence. I’ve challenged myself to type out every natural thought as it comes. I’m not a fan but I need this out. I feel pretty qualified to self-diagnose as I work in the mental health field but do to the nature of what I believe I got going on, I haven’t done anything about this to go find out from an outside source.

This also embarrassing because I feel it’s common. But I hear others using stereotypes and basic examples as justification for their self-diagnosis. I’ve spent years on this. It was 5 years before I said anything to a friend out loud. Anyways… I believe I have ADHD. Stemming from that I’ve developed a propensity for anxiety, depression and imposter syndrome.

Currently, imposter syndrome and depression seem to be taking over. Anxiety used to be a bugger issue, leading to panic attacks and very literally running away. I’m in massage therapy school right now so I feel I’ve learned how to manage anxiety better naturally through this experience.

Depression - my motivation to do anything, including eat or shower has been dwindling for months. It gets better and then gets worse. I know that’s the nature of things but I just want be able to eat at least. I don’t know why something so simple is so difficult for me. Everyone seems to see me as an intelligent and thoughtful person and it just feels like they don’t know me at all. That’s the imposter syndrome right there.

I feel like my brain is full of all these things I want to be and do and I do none of it and my self appreciation just goes down every day. The thoughts of falling into a coma or disappearing have been more and more frequent and starting earlier and earlier in the day.

I feel stuck in some void, but it’s surrounded by mirrors so only I can see me and everyone else sees…something else.

I felt called to type all this out today because something significant yet insignificant happed as soon as I woke up. Someone had deleted me as a friend on Snapchat. I’d never known them in real life. We’d been in each others social media for a few years now. I thought of them as strange and cool, and potentially someone who’d be a friend. It seemed like we were on the same wavelength for a lot of things. He’s even said that once as well. I think people say things heartwarming often thoughtlessly and I’m always the person who takes it seriously and cherishes it. It’s why I hate hearing “I love you.” Anyways I was filled with thoughts that this man could be part of my soul family - a friend I’m meant to have in this life because so many of our interests and ways of being overlapped. I responded to his story yesterday… I guess he hated my response. Maybe something about it revealed to him an aspect of myself he found annoying enough to delete me after 3 years.

I didn’t think I’d be so hurt. But I cried really hard and I’m still crying now. Partly I had a small crush as I often do strictly with males very far from me, but honestly I was holding out hope I’d meet him and gain a new kind of friend. Now that fantasy is demolished and I’m devastated. There’s something good out of this I know. The universe might be pushing distractions out of my way. I’m too good at finding them. Maybe he felt how hard I was hoping he’d be my friend in real life. It all sounds pathetic. I feel starved for deep human connection yet when I make friends I’m so….awkward and feel I have to hide how much I like them. I don’t even like people often. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’d rather disappear.

I think I’ll procrastinate on talking about what I feel is ADHD in behavior. Specifically the imposter syndrome is what I feel the most. I feel like a joke and disappointment and I’m not sure how I’ll ever change or how to fulfill myself.

#imposter syndrome #mentally drained #mentally exhausted #mental health #undiagnosed adhd #gemini rising #leo sun #aries moon

[prismatoxic]

anyway, fun story:

so @captainfkingmagic got into mgs sometime in 2008. we've been together for like 8 or 9 years now and he's mentioned it a lot (and made me watch metal gear awesome a whole bunch) but you'd be surprised how much media you have to share with each other when you get into a committed relationship. there's still a decent handful of things we haven't gotten around to

so, anyway, this year (like 4 months ago?) he got a hankering to play mgs1 again. he has the ps3 collection, and that seemed the best way to play, and he got somewhere after the ocelot fight when our ps3 (which had been having issues previously but we had repaired) started overheating again. to the point of shutting off. now, this ps3 was my ps3, and his ps3 had already bitten the dust some years prior for similar reasons (exacerbated by it being a launch version with bad soldering). so you can imagine how frustrating this was.

well, we had enough money at the time for him to just go ahead and get us a slim ps3. which took like a week to arrive, and, you know, by then i think he could be forgiven for not having the energy to go through mgs1 again up to the ocelot fight. i don't remember when he decided to try anyway; if it wasn't the night the ps3 arrived then it wasn't too long after.

so he finally gets to show me mgs1. all of mgs1. sans the meryl ending, bc fuck that, he went otacon. i mean, i had to see it, right?

needless to say, i was pretty hooked. i liked it a lot but, admittedly, wasn't super jazzed about mgs2 conceptually bc i knew raiden took over. he said he'd wait a few days to start it, then started it like. 1 day later. gamers amirite

anyway, mgs2 was great. hooked me also. but then i wasn't super jazzed about mgs3, bc it wouldn't be about snake and otacon.

anyway, mgs3 was great. hooked me also. but then i wasn't super jazzed about mgs4, because otacon cheats on snake and also snake gets old and dies.

anyway, mgs4 was... fine. like, it wraps up the solid snake arc pretty well, but it's also fucking batshit and there were several plot points and characters who i just found grating. (naomi. i found naomi grating)

so we finish mgs4 and like, okay, that's the solid snake story. fuck rising, and mgs5 is its own whole beast. so i finally said: hey. you wanna rp otasune?

and of course he did, he's been into otasune for like 15 years but never really got into the fandom aspects of it back then. so here's where things get amusing...

see, i've had trouble getting him to agree to fandom rps in the past, or if he does, had trouble getting him to stick with them. he's too oc-brained. which is fine, but after 4 games i was obsessed and i really doubted i'd find anyone better, more interesting, or more willing to put up with my bullshit. so i was like, okay, let's ease into this. we can do a silly little high school au so the pressures of the canon setting aren't present. and, of course, i'd let him play otacon.

...now you may be looking at my icon. and all my otacon posts. and wondering what that was about. well, see, he likes snake and otacon both, and hadn't expressed to me at any point just how much snake was his favorite (or if he had i had glossed over it). so because otacon was my favorite, i think i just assumed otacon would be his favorite, and even though he knew that wasn't true, he agreed anyway. (maybe i sounded like i really wanted to play snake? in truth i was trying to excite myself about it; i wanted otacon, but if i couldn't have otacon, i wanted to want to play snake).

he did say maybe we could switch it up sometime. i thought maybe he just didn't know who he really liked best, but i was happy to agree.

the first rp was fine, but fizzled out fairly quickly, which made me anxious. despite all my careful approaching, it seemed like we wouldn't be able to stick with it. maybe it was for the best; i found snake hard to capture. i wrote a fic in the high school setting to try and satiate myself.

well, eventually he brought up that he'd like to do something in canon instead. he'd been concerned with living up to canon settings in the past, but mgs was so zany that he figured he could handle it. so we picked after the tanker to set a rp. he asked if maybe he could play snake this time.

i found otacon way easier to write, though i was still feeling out what i wanted to do with him. within days we had a new idea. and then another... and another...

and we're still doing otasune rps. the first one started july 12th. at some point he finally said, hey, i never wanted to play otacon, he's not my favorite. and i was like. oh. well i feel silly now. but i have embraced otacon as my little blorbo now that i know i don't have to compete for him, lmao... love is all about sacrifices! it's also about being a fucking idiot sometimes

#tox.txt

[you-remind-me-of-the-babe]

Get to Know Me Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @cutestkilla I loved reading your answers 💜

Relationship status: Married for nine years. Hubs and I got married on our 10 year dating anniversary. We started dating when we were 17. So yeah, we’ve been together a long ass time.

Favorite color: Green, and any shade thereof. My eyes are green, so it’s been my fave since I was a kid.

Favorite food: I love bread, though I try to eat less of it now as I get older, as it doesn’t do my body good. Also coffee, cheese and chocolate make life worth living sometimes.

Song stuck in your head: I’m going to pretend it’s not a theme song from kiddo’s cartoon and say Age of Consent by New Order because I adore that song and it came on while watching Paper Girls the other night. (Just started this show and loved the first two episodes.)

Last thing you Googled: “Exit, pursued by a bear.” Was beta reading for @whatevertheweather last night and she used it for a spell and I sadly did not know the reference. Now I do!

Time: 11:05 am

Dream Trip: I would really like to get over my fear of traveling to a non-English speaking country. I’ve only ever picked English speaking locations for vacations for fear of getting lost or not being able to communicate. The only exception was three days in Paris as part of a school trip where we went to London first, and the embarrassment I felt every time I had to ask someone if they spoke English is probably what’s fueling this fear. I live within driving distance of Mexico and have never been, despite taking Spanish in school for years. So yeah, some day I’d like to go to the Mediterranean and just chill if I need to use my phone for help. Or even Mexico. It’s right there!

Last book you read: I’ve got about an hour left of Reputation by Lex Chroucher and am enjoying it. The audiobook narrator does a fantastic job.

Last book you enjoyed reading: Going to pick a different book here and say Boyfriend Material.(Also loved the audiobook narration!) (Very much looking forward to Husband Material!) @bookish-bogwitch crafted an amazing ending bingo for it and I’m SO ready!

Last book you hated reading: I am slogging through the last Mirror Visitor book. I’ve been reading a few pages at a time for months and it is just so slow and boring. I devoured the first three and I can’t tell if Snowbaz brain rot is affecting my engagement or if it’s truly that bad. I turned my friend on to these books and he’s been anxiously waiting to talk to me about the last one and I just…can’t muster the will to read it for longer than ten minutes at a time. RIP. I also hated the narrator who read House on the Cerrulean Sea, so I abandoned that one even though everyone adores that book. Oh well!

Favorite thing to cook/bake: Cookies, scones, bars, pies. I never bake unless it’s a holiday because I can’t control myself if I make something like this and then have a massive amount there. I used to love cooking soups, stir fries and casseroles but having picky children turn their noses up at something I spent an hour or more making really makes me hate cooking these days. The 7 year old is getting more adventurous but the 3 year old hates dinners on principle so I phone it in a lot.

Favorite craft to do in your spare time: Spare time? What is this you speak of? I am not super crafty. I’ve tried a few things over the years but usually abandon these hobbies after a few attempts. I’m frankly shocked I’m still writing fic almost a year later because hobbies don’t usually stick for me. Does weeding and gardening count as crafting? It’s almost an art right? I do like being out in the sun with my hands in the dirt and seeing the way my yard evolves.

Most niche dislikes: This is a fun question. I doubt my dislikes are very niche. I hate the feeling of like a stray hair on my arm or wrapped around a finger. I dislike cilantro. I have a hard time watching a kid attempt a task that is far above their skill level. Watching them struggle when they are almost about to succeed is a joy but watching say, a kid try to open something you know they literally can’t drives me mad. Just give it to me so I can do it and we can move on!

Opinions on circuses, now and in history: What a weird question. Never been to a circus. Closest was a Cirque du Soleil performance which was amazing. I like books about circuses like Water for Elephants and Night Circus. That’s all I got. I feel like this question is trying to get you to say circuses in the past (maybe also now) are bad because of the way they treat animals. And like, you make that decision yourself. You don’t need me to tell you what to think.

Do you have a sense of direction, if not what is the worst way you’ve gotten lost: If I am with someone else I will often miss a turn from chatting and not paying attention so the other person’s ability to co-pilot is critical. I followed @fatalfangirl around in Vegas and just assumed they knew what was up. (Lol sorry I wasn’t helpful!) If I’m by myself I can usually focus and manage. I often have dreams of needing to get somewhere and just not fucking managing because a thousand obstacle get in the way. Worst gotten lost story: some friends and I in our early 20s miscalculated how long it would take to float down a river. We found ourselves with slowly deflating rafts, while it got dark, with no flashlights, and the river had turned away from the roads. We tried to beach our rafts and walk but found a bear instead. Oops, back in the rafts we went. Then we made it to a dam that we had to get out and walk around but we couldn’t find the path, only a path going the other way to the highway so we ditched our boats and followed the path in the dark, ignoring sounds of wildlife. Finally made it to the road and got picked up by a very nice older couple who probably took pity on us because we looked like their kids or something. When we went back to get our boats the next day the path around the dam was very easy to find by the light of day and we were like…a 20 minute float from our campsite LOL. Good times. I can laugh about it now but it was Not Fun when it was happening.

Tagging @fatalfangirl @whatevertheweather @bookish-bogwitch @moodandmist @aristocratic-otter @facewithoutheart @raenestee @martsonmars @sillyunicorn no pressure, only if you want to! 💜

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

hey ! How do you think Peeta would have fared if they told him Katniss died after she got shot in 2 ? Maybe that would have made recovery easy cuz the threat is neutralized right.....

I actually don’t think it’s work like that. Not with all the survivors guilt going around in these books, especially in conjunction with wartime ptsd. Which you know is one of the big things SC based her books around.

Peeta (and Katniss) are already chock full of it after two arenas. Rue, Thresh, Cinna, Mags, Wiress… the list goes on. Removing Katniss from the equation doesn’t automatically make Peeta’s recovery from the hijacking any easier. There is still going to be some level of survivors guilt, if not immediately then eventually.

If we look at where Peeta is in his recovery from the hijacking, we get two significant developments from Haymitch while Katniss is in district 2. The first is that Prim comes up with the idea to hijack him back by giving him a massive dose of sedative to inhibit the fear response and then recalling memories the Capitol would have distorted. They try this with the tape of Katniss telling Peeta the story of how they got Lady the goat. It’s a tape do the two of them when they were in the cave in the first arena. Now, Katniss and Haymitch are pessimists. They don’t see Peeta being confused by the tape as an improvement. But the thing is… that is an improvement over total fear to the point of murderous rage. While it might not be the most effective technique, it is a smart technique. What Prim’s suggestion does is give Peeta’s mind the chance to remain calm and to insert doubt about what he thinks the memory is based on what the Capitol did to him. So yes, it caused complete confusion. But that means now he begins to be in a position to ask that “what is real” question that is so crucial to his ultimate recovery.

The next development is after they bomb The Nut, sealing the exits and the ventilation, except for the train tunnel. Katniss is waiting and Haymitch tells her they showed Peeta the tape of her singing “The Hanging Tree,” which in book world, Peeta had never seen before. And Peeta responds to it with a memory of his own of that song — Katniss’s father singing it outside of the bakery when Peeta was about six or seven years old. But again, the point is that he’s making positive connections to memories that involve Katniss, not just fear and belief that she’s a threat.

So. Your question. Let’s say Peeta’s initial reaction to being told Katniss died in 2 is “good riddance,” which is possible because of where he is in the recovery at that time. This is before the wedding. Before “I must’ve loved you a lot” and “you’re a real piece of work.” This is before the cafeteria scene. So there is a definite possibility that part of his reaction would be satisfaction. There is also a definite possibility that his first reaction is mixed with grief. It would be grief that he can’t really explain because of the hijacking, but it could be there. I wrote in a post a couple weeks ago that I classify hijacked Peeta’s feelings towards Katniss as ambivalence, which is simultaneous disgust/hatred along with an intense attraction/love bordering on obsession. This ambivalence is a direct result of mixing the love he felt for Katniss beforehand with the fear and hatred invoked by the hijacking, which also plays upon Peeta’s latent fears from even before the hijacking about his relationship with Katniss, and his own insecurities.

HOWEVER. Fear conditioning is far more complicated than flipping a simple switch: she’s dead I’m cured!!! Thats just not realistic. And while yes it is fiction, the stories we really cling to have some element of what we view as a human truth to ground us in them. So tossing all of what we know about ptsd, psychology, etc and suggesting that removing or neutralizing the threat would cure him, to me, would represent a fundamental misunderstanding about how our brains work.

Do I think her death would’ve helped Peeta recover faster? Fake or real? Actually no, I don’t. I actually think the opposite. I think it would’ve prolonged and complicated his recovery.

Even if/when they manage to unhijack Peeta enough for him to really remember how he felt about Katniss, now he’s also dealing with grief over losing her. That’s just one more trauma on the pile. More trauma = more complicated recovery. Even during the time he’s still strongly ambivalent towards her, that mixture of love/hate will complicate any recovery steps he makes.

Add to that the fact that Peeta’s hijacking was primarily based around the fear of one person. Yes it also impacted how he responded to others who were close to her — like Finnick for example — but primarily his confusion centered around Katniss. The rest of the confusion is ancillary. Katniss herself even admits that in Mockingjay. She admits that there are things that only she is going to be able to untangle in Peeta’s mind. Killing her in district 2, either in truth or as a tactic to “snap Peeta out of it” leaves him still confused and in the dark about those aspects of their relationship and Katniss that only Katniss herself can set to rights.

It really just… undoing a fear conditioning just doesn’t work like that. Removing the threat doesn’t automatically remove the fear. And it sure as shit isn’t gonna magically remove the trauma caused by literal torture. Like… I think I get where you’re coming from. It would be nice to believe that he’d be so overcome by grief that he almost forgets to be afraid of her, or thinking she’s dead somehow makes him feel safe enough to recover faster, but to me… that wouldn’t feel real.

Thanks for asking. Hope I answered what you were asking in a clear enough manner!

<3 kdnfb

#thg meta #kind of #peeta mellark #katniss everdeen #anonymous #look at that ask