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hwaitham · 21 days

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⸝⸝ ˙˳ ⑅ first piece of marginalia ( of many , hopefully :3 ) about eremite!al haitham && akademiya student!reader ♥︎ f!reader + not proofread + subtly implied trauma on both reader n haitham's end

you first meet the eremite who's to serve as your bodyguard throughout your research expedition on the day of your departure, at your designated meeting spot under the pavilion in pardis dhyai. its stone pillars cascade with vines of sumeru roses that shine a sweet lavender hue under the morning sun— one of which you've plucked and tucked into your hair earlier, leaning over the railing to gaze at your reflection in the pond and smile at the beauty of it.

(and a petal which has unknowingly slipped off and fallen to rest ever so delicately within the dip of your clavicle.)

“al haitham, yes? um, hello!” you greet the eremite as he walks into the pavilion with a quiet waver to your voice, bow respectfully, try to still the timid pitter-patters of your heart that only seem to worsen the longer you're in his presence.

because this man standing before you is large— tall, broad, as stunning as the pale blue moon. his upper body is strapped with tough sinew and yet his waist remains lean, torso mostly bare save for the pashmina shawl draped about his neck and the worn leather holster slung across his chest.

and he's silent. offering you only a small bow in return before giving you a quick once over, gait unhurried as he takes one, two long strides to stand by your side. it's an arduous task to bring yourself to look up at his face, but you do— lips parting in awe when you realise he's unlike any other desert eremite you've met before.

the trimmed red silk tied around his head shelters only one of his eyes.

how interesting, you think to yourself, for what you know of desert eremites is that they are convinced all things betray, even their own sight.

you bite your tongue to stop the questions that bubble and ebb at the forefront of your throat from tumbling past your lips, the innate scholarly need to learn and dissect and digest and know. a surprised little squeak escapes you instead when he turns his head and catches you staring, meeting your curious eyes with technicoloured cyan.

“is something the matter?”

“no, not at all! i'm sorry, i didn't mean to stare,” you flush hot under the intensity of his gaze, play with the flouncy sleeve of your blouse while you giggle nervously. you're unsure whether it's his size, or his beauty, or his quiet dominance that makes you feel much more shy than you'd like to feel, far too giddy— as if you're a little girl back in grade school.

“alright. shall we get going then? we're losing daylight with each second that passes.” al haitham holds a hand out in front of you, waiting expectantly.

you tilt your head in confusion and pout. what's he asking for? a tip? your hand?

“your bags?” he heaves a sigh, rests his other hand on his hip. you feel a hint of irritation in his words, and your heart wilts a little, “did you want me to carry them?”

“oh!” you exclaim in realisation before hoisting your travel bags further up your shoulders, force a reassuring smile on your lips. “it's okay, i couldn't possibly ask that of you. i can handle it myself, really!”

that couldn't be further from the truth, and al haitham sees right through it, with your shoulders hunched forward from the leaden weight of your bags slung atop them, the wince in your step as you walk towards the pathway, how you nearly topple over when you lose the slightest bit of balance.

“hey,” he pinches his brow, a certain roughness in his voice when he calls out to you that withers into something more gentle, tender after you turn to look at him. sweet and innocent and dewy-eyed. like a flower too frail, one whose stem may snap clean off if looked at the wrong way. “let me take them.”

al haitham doesn't allow you to protest, swiftly lifting your bags from your shoulders and holding onto them with ease, their weight nothing compared to what he's had to endure throughout the entirety of his life.

“it's my job to take care of you these next few weeks, and i intend to do it well.” he walks ahead of you, the longer mint strands of his hair swaying with the wind, the air around him lifting into something lighter— even if it's only by the most minute amount. “besides, you'll tip me generously if i do, won't you?"

his voice lilts mischievously, and you can only bring yourself to watch on in awe. nerves melting into excitement, cheeks warming not from timidness, but anticipation of what lies ahead in the next month— for your research, yes, but also for something closer to your heart.

a companion, a friend.

you smile a smile that reaches far past your eyes, bounding up to him with those clumsy fawn legs as you try to match his pace. two of your steps for one of his own. “of course i will, thank you so, so much! and i'll do my best to keep from making trouble for you— it'll make your job easier too, i hope!”

al haitham hesitates for a brief moment when you thank him so earnestly, so wholeheartedly, so unlike any of the other scholars he'd been commissioned to act as a guard for. with your smile so cloyingly sweet and your kindness so childishly naive, he can't help but feel a bit grim.

how much violence did it take for you to become this gentle?

the faintest of smiles— honeysuckle soft— curls up on his lips and he gives your head a single pat, sweeps the spare rose petal off of your clavicle, quietly wonders what he's gotten himself into by accepting this commission.

“silly girl. come, let's get going.”

#haitham ❤︎#&(*^&@)*(&& hieeee ! ! omgeeb so 🥺 this is how i imagine reader n haitham to meet in this au . .#i rllie like imagining alhaitham w someone who is more . . . gentle n naive n almost timid ?? like despite all The Horrors they are still #not worn down by it all ( or so it seems C; ) n remain tender towards the world #bcos . as we know . alhaitham is . . not exactly that . he is much more guarded n cautious after experiences frm his own life #+ also seeing what happens to others #so putting him with his ' diametric antithesis ' jus sounds rllie precious in my eyes 🥺🥺#how they cn learn frm each other ! show each other something they've never seen before 🥺#maybe fall a little in love in the process . . . WAAAH #anws :3 anywhosies :3 this is what this au is all about :3 n i hope ! ! ! i hope #if / when i continue to post lil blurbs about it #this is what u envision too :3 #WAH !#um um um ! ! 🥺 if u like this au or wnt to see more of it . . . then may i selfishly ask u to interact with this post ??#even a like is fine ! ! or u can tell me too !#'s just to gauge interest bcos rn i dont weally knowwww if anyone is interested in this besides like .#Me ><

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witchspeka · 10 months

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I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive

Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support

Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted

So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too

He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.

And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him

Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart

Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best

Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level

Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)

Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions

Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?

Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist

But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again

Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are

This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down

And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up

I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean

He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety

Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true

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b1mbodoll · 5 months

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repeating “jealousy is a disease get well soon bitch” in my head every time i block rude anons and delete hatemail so i can try to brush it off but i am not ur strongest soldier so can you all stop being mean 🩷 please

#♡.gabi barks #im okay i prommy (im crying rn)#like omg seriously what did i do!!!!! i dont do anything but mind my fucking business!!!! and talk to my precious little friends!!!!!! but #apparently i cant even do that bc no matter what i always get meanies in my inbox 🤞#like im seriously not doing anything i just came back and im already receiving asks telling me to kms and deactivate like do yall realize #im a person too.. like im literally real and i have feelings and im not a complete ditz #like what is so hard about treating people with kindness!!!!#ive spent all morning blocking mean anons and deleting asks and trying to brush off the mean words i see and receive and it hurts!!!!#im just a girl #if u send hate or tslk meanly to or about me im assuming ur a LEWSER and have no life bc i dont even do anything fr!!!!! im coolin!!!!!#i was gonna post this with the jealousy is a disease get well soon girl meme but i couldnt find it #anyway im fine!!!! (as im actively texting my therapist)#no bc im so upset and so angry WHAT AM I DOING WRONG #what am i doing to deserve this like please give me a valid answer so i can fix it im so tired of being sad and mistreated and bullied :(#i know i promised i was gna try to be more active but my little heart is so heavy and sad

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frecklystars · 9 months

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god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night #woof #like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago #if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses #bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink #WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL #and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie #is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized #bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!!#barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold #god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY #this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!!#i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me #i dont want ptsd to control my life #i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch #thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like #but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it #and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore #which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally #cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff #colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back #STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖#THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.

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hella1975 · 1 year

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“hello, it’s maintenance” NOOOOO

#GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FLAT ITS NOT EVEN 10AM #‘two flats have been randomly selected and it’s yours and-‘ FR?? IN THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING??? DIE THERES LIKE A HUNDRED FLATS HERE #I need to start trading them for something #yes u can come into my flat unprompted at early hours of the morning #but in exchange u need to tell me the exact shade of paint used on the walls so I don’t get fined for the marks I’ve left fucking EVERYWHERE #that’s fair imo. cough up #god I had awful cramps last night like almost as bad as what I used to get with my period #but i also feel like I hallucinated it like I was half asleep so who even knows #I woke up sweating bc my electric blanket was on full blast which I remember doing to help the cramps so ig it was real?#but also why tf was I having periodesque cramps to begin with #we’re past that girl someone tell my uterus she’s doing too much #hella goes to uni

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lifesver · 5 months

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i still just think that leland's like... tendency toward neutral blues and browns in his clothing, nothing too bright, no warm colours really, is also just a reflection of him being sort of withdrawn in some ways about aspects of himself. like yeah he's social he's golden retriever energy he's friendly and kind and polite, but it's almost more like, he's fluid in the way that he shifts into that for the people around him? to bring them up, bring their spirit up, be a source of warmth or a pillar of support for them. but i think that without the energy/moral support he gets from friends and family, he is actually a fairly quiet, understated sort of person, who can fit into a lot of situations easily and adapt. but doesn't necessarily know who he is without people around him? he's social, but he puts on more of it to impress or camoflauge, and to be what he thinks he should be, esp when he starts at college. hanging out w the dudes on the team and that kinda crowd. how he survived highschool and was generally well liked back home fr

i think it's the friend group that brings out his most genuine side, and brings him out of the insecurities he has about himself and how he presents and just all of it rly. i don't think he had Bad friends growing up or anything, but i don't think he had the same depth of understanding from them, that he got from the friends he meets in college. it kind of unlocked the part of himself that he mainly only was at home around his mom and sisters. w the sensitivity, and the types of things that might be attributed to being more stereotypically feminine.

#it's the pathological urge to please people that makes him shift persona just slightly when he has to. just pisces things honestly #but also not make himself too bold too offensive. just a guy. Normal even- like his dad would have drilled into his head #it's u know. it's also Raised A Boy In The 60s/70s type energy anyway. these are the things u can be.#i feel like i could do another post about how that's also just sort of... [vague gestures] gender and sexuality presentation things #look at him look at his prettyboy hair. he's concerned w his appearance. but he's a jock so it's easier to have things brushed off i feel #me like. yeah the type of guy that cried telling his mom abt being bi. which she was fine w but like never telling dad fr #and the absolute stigma in a small town of being anything but straight??? crisis. then going to school and learning abt free love ???

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everymlmhybrid · 4 months

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this part genuinely makes me feel like eating dry wall like i can't explain how i feel about it without making some of you finally tire of me and block me about it i think

#.txt #reservoir dogs -#sorry for just randomly posting clips . i was actually working on my vid i swear but then i started Thinking. and here we are.#anyways going genuinely insane in the tags . i'm so sorry. ->#(im only sorry for the sheer amount of tags or if u disagree w/ my interpretations / headcanons. if ur just annoyed lmfao sucks to be you!)#anyways. you guys ever think abt the way orange HAS TO know white's lying to him abt his odds of survival.#bc i think abt that genuinely constantly. all the time thinking about it.#also the ''joe's gonna get you 100% again'' -> first of all . lol. second of all -> ''he was the only one i wasn't 100% on'' hello? HELLO!!#also freddy's voice here makes me feel like punching walls . like it makes me wail in anguish.#no but yeah i think abt the theme of lying & the fact some of the first lies we hear are in this scene in a way #also this part is leaning wayyy harder on headcanon but i always think. like if orange WASNT lying abt who he is. then it'd be reasonable #forhim to not know how likely he is to die and/or how blatantly larry's lying (''i'm talking days!'') but as a cop he SOOO knows he's fcked #but like . what's he gonna do. ''hey i know that's bullshit'' like obviously not and partly bc of How he knows but also bc like #you just don't argue with the only guy who's caring for you while you're seemingly on the brink of death!! LMAO #and certainly not when he's the only one telling you you'll be fine!! even if he's just bullshitting you so you don't freak out!!#I DON'T KNOW i go kinda insane about this scene . as . you can tell.#if you too are insane about this and the implications . don't worry. in several months. my fic will feed you. you will see.#idk . larry lying to and/or for him <33333333 kinda makes me go insane. kinda makes me go wild.#idk. i should be getting ready for bed rn. WHATEVER. bye. logging off. if you read all these i'm in love with you okay #i've just been turngin them around in my head like a microwave for hours so i needed to infodump or else i would explode i think

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nosleep83 · 8 months

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‼️REALLY LONG VENT IN THE TAGS PLS SCROLL PAST IF YOU DONT WANNA SEE THAT OR ANYTHING IM OK JUST FRUSTRATED (Ik I also say this in the tags but just in case)‼️

Maybe I do need to see a therapist 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

#GONNA VENT IN THE TAGS U CAN IGNORE THESE I JUST GOTTA GET MY THOUGHTS OUT AND STUFF #ALSO DW ABT ME OR ANYTHING LIKE IM MOSTLY FINE BUT #collecting problems like fucking Pokémon cards #my extended family sucks ass for one #homophobic/transphobic assholes #that fucking hate my parents for no good reason and keep trying to talk to me as if they don’t actually despise my parents #you hate my fucking parents I’m not saying shit to you #I cant fucking trust anyone in this family #there is no one I could ever tell anything and I’m sick of people lying to me and telling me I could #even my mom I couldn’t tell everything cause she’ll start losing her FUCKING SHIT #second of all I feel like I don’t fit in with kids my age #besides a couple of my friends #oh speaking of friends I can never fucking tell what to think abt my best friend since like 3rd grade #I’m too tired to get into that but I’m just so FUCKING CONFUSED #I just wanna scream so fucking bad #vent tw #sleep vents

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opens-up-4-nobody · 11 months

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Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.

#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up #but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones #i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it #so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda #positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic #and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even #removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax #and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy #but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic #bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this #also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes #just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine #annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol #unrelated

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cinna-bunnie · 9 months

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love when u play a game and see some recurring themes in the negative reviews, then u actually play it yourself and know that people just aren't used to that kind of game or had preconceptions that just weren't correct.

#I'm playing a metroidvania that i think was tagged as souls-like too. and i see how both classifications tie into it.#and being someone who thoroughly enjoys and is used to both genres - and is coming from a ds3 replay #i picked up the parry timing IMMEDIATELY and think it's super fun.#i feel like the reviews r ppl who r used to metroidvanias wanting more healing items laying around and ppl who r used to souls games #not being used to having the platforming/traversal aspects incorporated into combat. but I'm sorta seeing #aspects from both games that I'd expect (or even want!) and idk it's just a lot of fun so far :3 #i got rly sucked into playing Grime on my lunch and it's very fresh on my mind (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) I'm excited to play more later #regarding the lack of healing abilities or loot though like they literally DO give u healing right off the bat u just gotta learn the #parry mechanic! if u time it right u can absorb an enemy (or part of it if it's a boss) and once this meter is filled u can regen health.#so it kinda encourages u to go fight and absorb things instead of just outright killing everything w melee/projectiles #there r ppl who claim to be fans of the genres too but yeah i just do not feel the same sry to y'all.#i think part of it too is this greater issue with art where‚ in my observation‚ people don't rly like going into things w no #expectations or preconceptions. also calling things bad for not being perfect even though they never tried to be there's just a #specific story they wanted to tell or experience they wanted to share and did that well.#the latter really bugs me (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) and falls under the “u can say u didn't like it without it being Bad” umbrella. like it's fine to #just Not Like Something while still acknowledging it does what it set out to do.

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kugisaaki · 3 months

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im glad to see that my parents don’t adhere to the stigma surrounding mental health and were the ones that told me that its okay to get help on their own BUT i dont think they know that it doesn’t go away just like that…

#esp w my ocd. they told me it’s perfectly fine w them if i wanted to see a doctor but then ive been going for months and they’re like but #why u still have ocd 🤔 and i know that this whole thing is new to them and im their only child and im glad we’re breaking that cycle but #it kinda makes me </3 bc im trying to be better too and it feels like i have to rush the getting better process bc every time i tell them i #have an appointment they’re like but youre still not completely better…???? is the doctor even useful???#and every time i tell them that i myself feel like im getting better it feels like im gaslighting myself because am i really??? are the meds #really effective ??? like i can see tangible evidence of them being effective but at the same time bc of the constant idea they have that i #should be better already because it’s been months is starting to affect me too. but when i tell them that i think im getting better they’re #like okay well if u say so. it feels like they don’t agree but they’re saying so for my sake and i leave the matter at that and then the #cycle repeats over and over again and it kind of feels </3 because i feel like there’s something wrong w me that im not already 100% better #but i do appreciate them for taking the initiative in helping me so like i feel like i can’t complain about this……….#and when my mom shows literally symptoms of it while my dad passed on the anxiety genes to me… it’s like they both have it but became so #accustomed to it (touch wood n thank god it’s mild enough to easily handle for them) their whole lives that they think my ones is the exact #same…&:$837;)3&2 #mehak.exe

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poorlittlevampire · 6 months

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okay so. obviously i miss the store management aspect of the style savvy series, but this game is not style savvy and i wasn’t expecting it to be!! that aside i am having so much fun the gameplay loop is still just as addictive (creating outfits for other people based off of their requests) and the only thing that really is different from style savvy is the lack of management + a storyline. the game looks so good too like everything is sooooo cute and pretty and i am so beyond happy

#i really hope this is syn sophia dipping their toes back into fashion games #and they come out with another one with a bit more substance to it #but even if this ends up being a one off thing i am sosososo glad we have ir #style savvy has been the main game ive wanted on switch since the switch was announced #and u can tell that a lot of love went into making this #and i will be playing it for a very long time #:-)#regarding the story i wish they had still done /something/#like even if it is just more about your status as an influencer i think itd be nice to have #but what can ya do #they also plan on having updates pretty regularly (which... oh no tbh)#so maybe someday theres a storyline update or smthn #but if not thats fine too #i still hate the influencer thing tho LOL everytine the games calls me that i cringe

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pendraegon · 1 year

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):

#physically. physically im fine let's get that out of the way.#but mentally...not doing too hot. im just. so so so sad all the time and like there's this fierce emptiness that's back and it's like a #chasm....it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be in My Worst Years but it's not even been 3 weeks into the semester and i don't know. i #feel drained and lonely and like a small woodland creature that's been shot and is now scuttling about to find a warm damp dirty nook #in the forest floor to die in you know..............#i spoke w my mother and she was like 'cheer up it's saturday you can go to that french place you like! dress up nicely and go eat something #good and then go to the gardens or that bookshop!!' and not even THAT sounded appealing to me..#i did go on a 3 hr walk just bc i thought seeing some nature and the forest and blue skies and the little stream and ponds would help but..#idk i still cant tell if grad school is for me or it's just that i really despise my program..#): anyways. tumblr's my little online diary as it has been for the past decade..#hope all of u guys are doing better than me! see you on the upside.

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buggbuzz · 5 months

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hhg when ure a very hyper and chipper chatterbox in most circumstances and u tend to make good friends with more reserved and untalkative people but then a lot of the time you end up overstimulating them just by existing near them,, sooo fun

like this hasn't happened recently but i was just reminded of it and now im thinkin of it. and like its a weird conundrum bc me being hyperactive isnt influenced by my energy or emotions very much, its kinda just how i am in most situations. so ppl (understandably) assume my behavior means im full of energy and im like no bro i am dead dog tired 90% of the time.

what do u even doooo abt this like my friends and i have talked and they dont want me to not act like myself like they feel bad abt it. but also i feel bad for overstimulating people and making them upset cause thats no fun. im just real tired of everything abt me always simultaneously being both WAY TOO MUCH and not nearly enough for people.

#adhd #vent #tw vent #neurodivergent #im procrastinating working on finals and its making me stressed so now im talking abt anything BUT tjat #im FINE btw this isnt often a problem #tho i have one best friend that i look up to and another that i want to support and theyre both those kinda people and i feel so bad #also my research partner is really really cool and i look up to em a lot and respect how smart they are like crazy #but again very reserved and untalkative and sooo stressed out cause they got too many classes #and they the type to go mute from stress #and i feel so bad for talking their ear off whenever i see em but i just think they're so cool!!#and im also subconciously tryna cheer em up or at least make them less tense by having friendly conversation #but i think i usually make em feel worse even tho they never seem frustrated with me :(((#we're definitely friends tho like they seem to like me too i just think theyre very cool #can u tell theyre almost 2 years older than me and smarter too LMAO #buzzing

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this-doesnt-endd · 3 months

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I feel like my crown just shifted up oh my god

#i have a cleaning thursday before work so like i can tell someone #but also why did i do that i schedualed it super early like im already regreting it #considering itll be the day after valentines which means my shift ends at 9/9:30 #and ill have to be there at my dentist by 7:30am #its whatever i just need to finish my dental work at the office then get my wisdom tooh pulled and ill be done w my teeth health wise #and then its onto the allergy shots which reminds me i have to reschedual my appt w my ent hoepfully its not anything too crazy far out #but i wanna talk w him and be like hey these shits are expensive what are my options or do u wanna be a homie and update my diagnosis #so they can get covered by my insurance cause i think if i can breath at like even 80% capacity my life would immensly change #and i was reading abt how like major chronic allergies lead to inflamation and my drs were concered abt that n i know i need to lose weight #but not being able to breath thru my nose hinders that to a degree #but like severe allergies are horrible for inflamation and like fucks up ur body and its like no wonder i feel horrible all the time #and itll prolly massively improve my sleep which also helps you #and i gotta go see my thyroid dr whos on the opposite end of town and wont answer the fucking phone to schedule and appt #cause i have to do that to renew my prescription and frankly i wish my primary dr could take care of that or get a new thyroid dr in general #but shes on maternity leave so ill have to wait for that #my dentist is also on maternity leave so ill have to see a diff one #i also ghosted my cardiologist but he literally called and was like ur fine the tests we ran showed ur in good health #but u should be more in shape and i didnt want another lecure abt being fat so i didnt go but i prolly should tho my results #prolly arent relavent anymore #and ive attemped ive done my bike workout a bit but its also been winter and i cannot bring myself to do anything besides rot in bed #most of the time and if i am going out its like to the movies or events where i just stand around and talk to people very low effort #i also have to email that lady abt my cetificate i still havent gotten abd the haircut place who charved me twice and write that damn review #that ive forgotten so many times

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boyghcst · 1 year

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god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist

#i hate myself so much #I’m sick of myself and sick of this world #i got upset at Lexi bc they said they didn’t wanna hang lol like i just shutdown n went quiet even tho they drove to take me to the shops #bc I’m ill #like I’m tired of always getting hurt I’m so damn sensitive all the time #like idk i guess i just thought they were gonna stay at mine for a while like we usually do #n instead they just wanted to go home #which is obv fine like they can do whatever they want but im sick of getting upset over this stuff #n i always feel horrible and guilty when i get triggered whether it’s shutting down or passive aggressiveness #or having a meltdown over stuff idk i just feel so emotionally childish n even when i know it’s wrong to feel tht way it still happens #i just wish i knew how to be better and stop being like this #n my therapists just keep telling me well it’s okay and normal to feel this way because I’ve been thru bad experiences before n thts why #i feel abandoned and unloved #but it’s like I’m 24 i shouldn’t be so emotionally all over the place and get triggered all the time like i can’t function bc of this #n i end up just acting in ways i don’t like like if someone was acting this way w me id be exhausted I’m not surprised I’ve been called #exhausting and too sensitive and negative and immature bc i am n hell if u don’t like me dw i hate myself more ive literally been trying #to get better and it’s going nowhere i think i just gotta end myself fr #journal

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