It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that A-Yuan thinks he’s a rabbit, or Jiang Cheng’s fault that toddler Jin Ling used to Zidian to short out the city’s power grid, or Xue Yang’s fault that little A-Qing was strapped to his chest during a motorcycle joyride down the highway, but they are stuck going to family counseling, along with a bored Lan Wangji, a giggly Xiao Xingchen, an out-to-lunch Lan Xichen, and an indignant Jin Guangyao. A lonely Nie Huaisang gets in on the action by joining all twenty group chats and sending way too many gifs.
And, all the while, a rebellion is brewing on Wangxian’s block, their neighbors driven mad by the incessant midnight duets.
Poor Dr. Wen Qing, child psychologist and therapist extraordinaire. What has she done to deserve this?
Read On AO3!
Or read below if the spirit so moves you:
There’s a letter nailed to the door when they arrive home.
Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and reads it aloud.
“ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable ‘presents’ on our lawns—’ ”
Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”
Lan Wangji unlocks the door. “What else?”
“ ‘Two: Gangs of feral rabbits rampaging through our flower beds!’ –They do have a point here. How they keep getting loose I’ll never know. ‘Number Three: Loud duets at midnight. We get it! You’re in love! Get a soundproof basement or shut the hell up!’ ” Wei Wuxian wrinkles his nose. “Who spit in their bean curd?”
“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.
* * * *
One month earlier:
It's all the daycare’s fault, really. And also the gang’s mutual pediatrician for getting involved and setting them up with a family therapist.
And they all know they should be grateful that the authorities are letting them off easy. But—
Weekly family therapy sessions that double as parenting classes? They all already know how to change diapers and hide the matches and make airplane noises.
And none of it’s not any of their faults. More of a…
“Series of misunderstandings,” explains Wei Wuxian to Dr. Wen Qing. “I’m sure when you hear the full story, you’ll laugh too. Right, Lan Zhan?”
“I don’t think she ever laughs,” whispers Xue Yang to Xiao Xingchen, who can’t see Dr. Wen’s impassive face but dissolves into a fit of giggles anyway.
Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes at the two of them and turns to Dr. Wen. “How long is this going to take? My new fashion line launches next week! I don’t have time for this—ow!” He jerks around at A-Yuan, who's gazing up at him innocently. He glares at Wei Wuxian. “Your carrot-brained little son bit me!”
Wei Wuxian scoops his son up onto his lap. “Don’t worry, A- Yuan, Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it—”
“Thumper!” A-Yuan corrects him.
“I’m sorry. Don’t worry, Thumper , Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it.”
“That’s normal,” says Xue Yang. “ ‘Thumper’?”
Xiao Xingchen hushes him.
“I just meant I’d go for a better name,” Xue Yang goes on. “Like Iago or Mushu if we’re picking from annoying cartoon animals. Doesn’t Thumper get shot?”
“You’re thinking of Bambi,” says Meng Yao irritably. He doesn’t look up from his phone as his finger moves in a blur over the screen. He’s missing several important meetings to be here. “He's the one who gets shot.”
A- Yuan’s eyes are huge. “Bambi gets shot?”
“No, Bambi’s mother gets shot,” Xue Yang explains.
A- Yuan bursts into tears.
Lan Wangji shoots Xue Yang a look that’s pure poison.
Dr. Wen clears her throat. “This is perhaps a good example of the dysfunction that—"
“Don’t worry, Thumper’s parents are just fine!” Wei Wuxian tells A- Yuan, squeezing the boy tighter. “Jiang Cheng, show him their pictures on your phone!”
“Do you think I have cartoon rodents as my wallpaper?”
“Google it!”
“Kid’s got to learn about death sometime.” Xue Yang places a lollipop in A-Yuan’s plump little hand. A-Yuan grins at him through his tears. Xue Yang is the kids’ favorite, to the jealousy of everyone but Xiao Xingchen, who is just as beloved. “See? Now he’ll always remember it as something sweet.”
The entire group gives him a Look, save Xiao Xingchen, who’s smiling and nodding.
Sometimes I think he’s deaf as well as blind , Meng Yao texts the others. There are an endless number of group chats, with most created just to complain about the people not on that specific group chat.
WWX : That’s cruel, but...
Jiang Cheng makes an impatient sound. Jin Ling is perched on his knee, slobbering on his custom lotus-patterned purple leather cell phone case. He takes his phone out of the toddler’s mouth and sets him down on the floor. “Can we move this along? Some of us have better things to do.”
“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Jiang.” Dr. Wen glances around the circle of folding chairs. “Now, do we all know why we’re here? Mr. Xue? Would you like to go first?”
Xue Yang stops picking at his chipped black nail polish. “What?”
“Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Xue?”
“I told A-Qing to stop biting people unless they really deserve it, and besides, she’s fully vaccinated, so I don’t see the problem there—”
“Mr. Xiao? Any ideas?”
Xiao Xingchen clears his throat and shuffles his sandaled feet, nervously smoothing the fringe on his oversized tie-dye poncho. “I’m not exactly sure why we’ve been included in a Jiang family therapy session, to be quite honest.”
“Your husband and daughter have been…implicated in some of the group’s…let’s call them mishaps, and as your daughter has adopted A- Yuan’s rabbit fixa—wait a minute, where is your daughter?”
“Xingchen’s got her,” shrugs Xue Yang.
JC - JGY - WWX - Jin Ling’ Uncles
JGY : *That’s* reassuring...
JGY : They make baby leashes for a reason
WWX : Lan Zhan threatened to buy me one the last time we went to the mall. I was lost for a half hour
JC : Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to lose you in the crowd?
WWX : Actually, I think Lan Zhan *did* buy the leash in the end…
*Jiang Cheng has left the chat*
Dr. Wen inclines her head. “Your husband is beside you, Mr. Xue. Your daughter is not.”
Xue Yang cranes his neck around the room. “I’m sure she’s fine, wherever she is. Unrelated question, are all of the valuables around here locked up, or—?”
“Mr. Xue—”
“We’ll know soon enough anyway. Is there an alarm system? No, don’t tell me. I’d rather be surprised. Be right back.” He tucks his phone inside his ripped black jeans and leaves the room, whistling. The clomp of his heavy combat boots disappears down the hall.
“Don’t worry,” says Xiao Xingchen, who seems to have missed a good half of what his husband has said, as usual. “This happens all the time. A-Qing has an excellent sense of direction.”
WWX - JGY - XY - JC - LWJ - Cabbage Patch Kids
JC : What the hell does that mean? The kid’s like 5
WWX : 3, tops
JC : No way she’s 3. She stole my watch last time she played w Jin Ling
LWJ : Are you certain that wasn’t her father?
NHS : XXC would never hahaha 😭 😭 😭
WWX : Huaisang! Whassup!
NHS:
WWX: You change the chat name again? I like it.
JC: Can he take my place here? This whole thing is inane
WWX : "Inane"! So you *have* been using the Word of the Day calendar Lan Zhan bought you!
JC : Shut up
JGY : Like a 5-year-old stealing a watch makes any more sense than a 3-year-old?
WWX : Oh we’re back on that?
NHS : Who stole who’s what now?
LWJ : *whose
JGY : Jiang Cheng was robbed by a toddler.
JC : Don’t you have some corporate espionage to go do or someone’s job to steal or something?
NHS:
JC: Send one more gif and I reach through your phone and strangle you
NHS:
WWX: Did you watch Shrek again without us? That’s A- Yuan’s fav movie
NHS: ur always so busy w lwj n the baby n playing w ur corpses lately!
Dr. Wen sighs. “All right, then. Who would like to go next? Mr. Jiang? How about you? Phones away, everyone, please.”
Jiang Cheng makes a show of being annoyed at having to look up from his phone. “I shouldn’t even be here. This is idiotic.”
WWX - NHS
WWX: Or “inane”
NHS:
“That’s not what the power company report says, Mr. Jiang. Now, I don’t mean to accuse you of anything, but there are concerns—”
“I swear Zidian was depowered when I gave it to Jin Ling to play with,” Jiang Cheng says irritably. “He teethed on that thing for months as a baby. It’s fine.”
WWX -XY - LWJ - JGY - 🧟 🍬 🐇 🤠
JGY: Did Jiang Cheng just tell a mandated reporter that he let Jin Ling teethe on his magic lightning whip?
XY: dammit Im missing all the good stuff!
LWJ: *I’m
NHS:
JGY: You’re wasting my phone’s memory with these ridiculous gifs.
NHS: *inane gifs
XY: Jiggy why don’t you just have your 🍬 🍭 👦👨 buy you a fancy new phone with more memory?
NHS:
WWX: XY did you find A-Qing?
NHS: He lost A-Qing again?
LWJ: …Again?
XY: NHS do you like your tongue where it is or
NHS:
JGY: ?
XY: fingers. whatever.
WWX: I'm lost too
XY: nvm
JGY: That was edifying.
“Now, Mr. Jiang, I don’t mean to insinuate that you let your three-year-old nephew play unsupervised with a dangerous weapon that mistakenly activated and went on to fry the power grid and knock out all power within a five-mile radius for two weeks—”
JGY: Despicable inefficiency
“—or that you took him to a weapons expo, because, I quote ‘He’s going to have to learn to fight eventually anyway’—”
“It was an archery range.”
WWX - LWJ - NHS - Wen Chao Sucks!
WWX: Start ‘em young
NHS: i think it's inane
NHS: WWX? did LWJ smile at that one?
LWJ: No
WWX: He’s laughing on the inside
NHS: how….inane
“Mr. Jiang? Have you any response?”
Jiang Cheng crosses his arms over his chest. Jin Ling is hopping around on the floor with A- Yuan. Obviously not electrocuted, Jiang Cheng thinks, so what’s the problem? “So when my brother blows out the entire neighborhood’s power doing illegal experiments in his garage it’s okay, but I plug a space heater into the same outlet as a toaster and I’m suddenly the devil incarnate?”
NHS - WWX - JGY - Two Bros & A Guy
NHS : Why would you need a space heater in the kitchen? what I do is turn the oven on and that gets the room all hot
WWX : I think you need a new oven
NHS : Are ovens not supposed to do that??
WWX : Do fridges radiate cold?
NHS : I never thought about it that way 🤔
JGY : In the history of the world, nobody ever has.
WWX : Also, all of my illegal experiments are electricity-free.
JGY : …Jin Ling is never spending the night at your house again.
WWX : I said electricity-FREE!
JGY : Because a fridge full of corpses that you and that psychotic hooligan are trying to raise from the dead is so much better.
WWX : A) it’s a top-of-the-line industrial freezer, not a fridge, and B) those corpses were ethically-sourced—locally-sourced, anyway—
NHS : free-range & organic
WWX : zip it Huaisang
NHS : 🐓
Dr. Wen taps her clipboard with her pen. “Mr. Jiang, nobody's accusing you of anything. This is simply—”
“Whatever. What about him?” Jiang Cheng jerks a thumb at Meng Yao. “At least I didn’t set fire to anything.”
Meng Yao straightens up indignantly. “That was an accident!”
Dr. Wen looks like she wants to go home. “According to the fire marshal’s report, it—”
“I’m so terribly sorry I’m late!” A slightly disheveled Lan Xichen appears in the doorway, Xue Yang behind him. “I locked my keys in the car, and was going to call AAA, but then I remembered that we aren’t members—did you know you have to be a member?—plus my phone—”
Xue Yang slaps him on the back. His other hand, gloved as always, is holding A-Qing by the hand. Her oversized pockets clink suspiciously as she runs to go play with A-Yuan and Jin Ling. Today Xue Yang has dressed her in a pink poodle skirt, black boots with frilly socks, and a black T-shirt with the words “Daddy’s Little Delinquent” in pink script, pulling her hair into spiky little pigtails.
“—and the look the bus driver gave me when I tried paying with the $50 I luckily had in my pocket!”
“He’s telling the truth,” Xue Yang says. Over the years, an odd friendship has sprung up between him and Lan Xichen. “He has a stamped bus pass and everything. Look at the poor man. Had to squash in with the hoi poloi. He won’t be over this for weeks.”
Lan Xichen is blinking too much. “And someone on the bus stole my wallet, though I could have sworn I left the bus with it—”
Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, who grins at him and pats the bulging pocket on her frilly pink skirt.
JC - WWX
JC : Why is my lead fashion designer wearing CROCS??
WWX : His house keys must have been on the same keychain. Lan Zhan said he took today off from work
JC : Okay but why are they orange?
WWX : Not everything he owns has to be blue, you know
JC : His contract clearly states at least three out of every four articles of clothing have to be blue!
WWX : Relax, lil bro
JC : He’s the face of our Overly Elaborate Yet Elegantly Simple Eveningwear division!
NHS : Who is?
JC : GET BIRD BRAIN OFF THIS CHAT OR I SWEAR TO ZIDIAN—
NHS : 😿 who just showed up? Xichen?
WWX : Yup he just arrived after a harrowing bus experience
NHS : https://cutt.ly/Mks2dgu ?
JC : Does anyone actually like when people send them links??
NHS : https://cutt.ly/hks21H8
Meng Yao is wearing what Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang call his "customer service smile," a holdover from his dark days in retail. It's the closest he ever gets to showing irritation towards his fiancé. “Why didn’t you Uber over, Xichen?”
“I locked my phone in the car with the keys—”
“It’s fine, Mr. Lan," says Dr. Wen. "Please have a seat. You’re just in time. After all, you were mentioned by name in the fire marshal’s report, along with the somewhat contradictory descriptions of ‘dazed’ and ‘hysterically sobbing,’ which naturally piqued my interest—”
Lan Xichen seats himself beside Meng Yao. He's still looking somewhat frazzled Then again, his main two facial expressions are “gentle smile” and “mild anxious look.” “That was an accident. The fire, I mean. A little mishap.”
“Gentlemen, all of these incidents cannot be mere ‘accidents’—”
“I was meditating and A-Ling wandered in and knocked over the incense burner,” Lan Xichen explains hurriedly. Meng Yao, well-practiced as he is at hiding his emotions, winces slightly. “The window was open, and there was a breeze, and A-Yao just bought these new gauzy curtains that tend to flap about quite a bit—”
XY - JGY - LWJ - JC - NHS - Crossing Us Is A *Great* Idea
XY : And burn quickly
NHS : What am I missing???
XY : Insurance fraud
NHS:
XY : Yes. We’re all complicit now
JGY : Xue Yang, have you heard of a little something called libel?
XY : 🖕 We should go back to building with asbestos like they did in the good old days
JC : We’re all so glad you’re here, Xue Yang
NHS : I need to adopt a kid so I can join your group or something, this sucks, you get to go this secret club every week, jc I see wwx even less than you do
JC : stop talking
XY : What color baby you want, NHS?
JC : What the hell??
XY : That was a joke
NHS: ....
“…and I was so deep in meditation I didn’t notice the flames until the fire department arrived, but A-Ling was fine, just fine, and all the fire fighters were so very nice…”
WWX : Can confirm. Xichen was more traumatized than the kid. The firefighters had to wrap him in like fifty foil blankets
XY : XXC tells me Himbo stayed with you a full week, was that why? my boy didn't tell me
LWJ : “Himbo”? He got 1600 on his SAT.
XY: Term of endearment he knows he’s my boy plus the guy locked his keys and phone in the car for the second time this month
JC : At least he feels remorse over his child endangerment, unlike certain other people I could mention
LWJ : "Child endangerment"?
XY : Tell us again about how Jin Ling used to teethe on Zidian, JC?
NHS:
“Dr. Wen will be pleased to know that my apartment is now fully equipped with a top-of-the-line sprinkler system,” says Meng Yao smoothly. “No more incense, either. This unfortunate incident will never be repeated again.”
XY - WWX - JC - Odd Man Out
XY : At least not until the insurance money runs out
WWX : 😒
XY : Not that he needs it, after landing Himbo
NHS:
WWX: Those jokes really aren't funny
NHS: 😔
JC: Dammit NHS are you in every chat?? Did you change the chat names? Why aren't you showing up on half the participant lists?? Did you hack our phones or what??
NHS: Don’t be so *inane*
Wei Wuxian titters.
“Mr. Wei? Since you seem so eager to speak, perhaps we should move onto your issues, then.”
Wei Wuxian straightens up and points to his chest, the picture of innocence. “Me?”
Dr. Wen smiles thinly. “You, Mr. Wei. Perhaps you can tell us your side of what the school is referring to as ‘The Radish Incident.’ ”
“Well….” Wei Wuxian darts a glance over at Lan Wangji, who is as impassive as ever. “I was just burying him for fun, you know. We like to pretend he’s a radish—“
“A radish?”
“It’s a…you know. A game. I personally like potatoes better, but—”
“Mr. Wei, several parents complained to the school.”
“Because we were hogging the sandbox.”
“Because your son was running around screaming ‘I’m a chubby little radish boy!’ Which in itself would not be cause for concern. But coupled with his troubling behavior the following week—"
XY - JC - JGY - Two Men & A Half
XY : Where did she get these records? Who does she work for, the NSA?
NHS : She’s an astronaut?
JGY : How did you sneak into this chat? And did you rename it?
NHS : 😉
JGY: You're what, an inch taller than me?
XY: someone struck a nerve
JGY: It's just derivative of the other group chat, that's all.
NHS : u said no to "gettin' jiggy w it" i had no other choice. anyway what's happening over there?
JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.
NHS : who a-yuan?
JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.
JC : I mean, he’s my nephew, he’s a great kid, that’s not what I’m meant—
XY : *delete delete*
JC : How does your hippie husband put up with you??
JGY : We suspect brainwashing or blackmail.
“—when he decided he was a rabbit or," Dr. Wen continues, "or, as he put it, ‘Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunny Boy.”
“He is Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunn—"
“And only responds to the name ‘Thumper,’ refuses to eat anything other than carrots or food containing carrots, insists on wearing bunny ears—"
XY - NHS
XY : If it’s good enough for Louis Belcher, it’s good enough for Freaky Little Bunny Boy
NHS:
you watch the show too?? I call mingjue “bob” - u know - grumpy mustache guy
XY : I’m sure that’s gone over well
NHS: he’ll learn to love it
XY : A-Qing loves Louis
NHS:
“—hops around instead of walking, and has convinced others of the same…fantasy.”
Everyone glances over at the three children, who are hopping in a circle. A-Yuan has a fluffy little tail on the seat of his pants, carefully sewn on by Lan Wangji. Jin Ling has a handful of cotton balls that had been badly superglued on by an annoyed Jiang Cheng. And A-Qing has a wad of blue cotton candy taped to her frilly pink skirt with a strip of duct tape. As they watch, Jin Ling rips the cotton candy off and stuffs it in his mouth. A-Qing shoves him onto his cottony rear end.
“That’s my girl!” Xue Yang calls.
“Daddy’s proud of you!” Xiao Xingchen adds, though he’s not quite sure what’s going on.
Dr. Wen sighs. “I’m still unclear about how this started. Was it the rabbit incident? Mr. Lan—" She nods her head at Lan Wangji to differentiate between the brothers. Lan Xichen has fallen asleep in his chair, exhausted by his first-ever bus ride. “—I mean, I beg your pardon, Dr. Lan. Perhaps you can fill us in on that? He told his teacher he was attacked by a rabbit monster."
“So he was bitten by one rabbit!” Wei Wuxian says when Lan Wangji just eyes her coldly. “It wasn’t Lan Zhan’s fault. That rabbit was bad news. It had this gleam in its eye—lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes—"
Xiao Xingchen emits a muffled little squeak. Xue Yang looks annoyed. He hates when other people make Xiao Xingchen laugh.
NHS - JC
NHS:
JC: yes yes we all get the Jaws reference
NHS: the last movie we all watched together : /
JC: yes I just said that
NHS: like three months ago
JC: and?
NHS: just saying...
“He was scared of the rabbits after that, and so Lan Zhan told him that rabbits only bite their own, and, well…I mean, we have a hundred rabbits in our backyard. It was either rehoming them and making the news like those crazy cat people, or making A-Yuan feel better.”
A-Yuan hops past, wiggling his cotton tail.
Jiang Cheng rubs his temples.
“All right, Mr. Wei. Thank you. That’s…elucidating. We’ll delve into that in future sessions. Now, perhaps we can discuss the June 7th incident involving you and Mr. Xue?”
Xiao Xingchen starts to laugh again. Xue Yang grins to himself.
LWJ - JC
LWJ : What happened on the 7th?
JC : Am I my brother’s keeper??
“Now, the seventh? I was…hard to remember, all that time ago…” Wei Wuxian taps his chin. "The mists of time and all that."
“It was three weeks ago, Mr. Wei.”
“The seventh….the seventh…was that a Tuesday—?”
“Wen Chao had it coming,” said Xue Yang. Smirking, he twirls his ponytail around a finger. His ponytail is long and sleek and sprouts from the top of his head like an 80s schoolgirl's. “Amiright, ‘Mr. Wei’?”
Wei Wuxian coughs. “You mean the Wen Chao who lives on Qishan Road? That Wen Chao?”
“That spoiled rich kid?” Jiang Cheng asks. (“As if you’re one to talk,” says Xue Yang.) “With the oversized Humvee and tractor-sized tires with spinning rims? Zipping down the street at all hours and blasting his music? I went to college with him. He used to leave double-deckers in the bathroom at frat parties.”
Dr. Wen swallows a long-suffering sigh. “Thank you, Mr. Jiang. I’m sure that information will prove most helpful in evaluating your brother’s case. Mr. Wei, your arrest, combined with the Huggy Little Bunny Boy Incident, does not fill me with confidence.”
“Not arrested—"
“Taken for questioning,” Xue Yang agrees. “By the neighborhood watch. Golf dads and wine moms. Very different from 'arrested.' "
"And you should know," says Meng Yao.
JC - JGY
NHS : What’s going on? What am I missing????
JGY: Did you just make a new group chat? Your name isn't showing up. This is disconcerting.
NHS: don’t worry about it
JC : We’re talking about Wen Chao
NHS : overcompensating humvee ex-frat boy with the hair gel? vomit in the jacuzzi and streak across the field at the big game wen chao? ur babysitter's cousin?
JC : The very idiot
NHS : He has nice sunglasses
JC : For a Russian mobster
NHS : Says the guy who owns a purple zebra striped jacket
JC : Says the guy with more bird-themed shirts than Winston Bishop
JGY : Touche.
NHS : i didn’t know u watch New Girl 2! we must talk l8tr shorturl.at/vDI26
JGY : Your abbreviations are marginally shorter than the actual words.
NHS :
JC : Cleaning bird cages does take up most of one’s afternoon
NHS : see, u get it
JC : Dr. Wen isn’t buying whatever WWX is selling here.
JGY : Wen Chao is related to Dr. Wen. If WWX had any more sense than a chipmunk, he’d realize that. No matter how much you hate someone, family is family...
“Wen Chao was a public menace,” says Wei Wuxian self-righteously. “He deserved what he got. Speeding down the street all the time. Think of the children!”
LWJ - WWX
LWJ: Why is this my first time hearing about this?
WWX: You’ve heard me complain about WC a million times. I even named a group chat after him!
LWJ: Wei Ying.
WWX: You were off visiting your uncle with A-Yuan ! You left me unsupervised! I am not to be blamed!!!
LWJ: We’ll discuss this later
WWX: 😓
“Perhaps the better question is where you got all those fish,” says Dr. Wen.
Everyone turns to look at Xue Yang.
“A magician never reveals his secrets,” he grins.
Xiao Xingchen chuckles.
“Five hundred dollars in damages, Mr. Xue. Raw fish juice is difficult to get out of faux tiger fur upholstery, I understand.”
Xue Yang flaps his hand. “His father can afford it.”
“That is not the—" Dr. Wen stops, perhaps realizing that an argument with Xue Yang means forfeiting a chunk of her sanity. “Moving on, Mr. Xue, can you explain this picture you posted on social media?”
“That picture’s an old one. A-Qing’s just a baby.”
“Mr. Xue, given the recent threats you made towards A-Qing’s daycare teacher for putting her in a time-out for stealing her classmate’s graham crackers and apple juice, this is relevant.”
“Posting that to the public account was a mistake, if that’s your concern. My Insta for A-Qing is private, but I was in a candy store and got kind of distracted by the new sugar-frosted fruity explosion jaw-busting mega bombs—"
“You fail to understand the issue, Mr. Xue. What’s that in her mouth?”
“Fingers. Or is that a toe?”
Xiao Xingchen laughs.
“They weren't real,” says Xue Yang.
WWX - JC
WWX:
JC: Great more gifs
“I think I have one with the Halloween store tags still on—" Xue Yang scrolls through the hundreds of photos of A-Qing filling his phone. “Should be one in here somewhere—oh, look, Xingchen, these are from your birthday party; I tell you, Amazo the Magnificent had no sense of humor at all; you’d think nobody had ever replaced his rabbit with a porcupine before-"
Jin Ling hops by. “Rabbit!” he cheers.
Jiang Cheng groans.
“There is blood on the fingers, Mr. Xue.”
Xue Yang gives a breezy laugh. “Paint. The springy plastic is perfect for teething. You just put it in the freezer for a few hours—real fingers wouldn’t work; they’d freeze solid, which makes good ice packs for those hard-to-reach places, sure, but as far as teething goes—”
Dr. Wen holds up a hand. “Thank you, Mr. Xue. That’s enough. My next question is about this speeding ticket, which you received while your daughter was strapped to your chest.”
“She was wearing a helmet!”
“You were driving a motorcycle down the highway, Mr. Xue.”
Xue Yang glances hurriedly at Xiao Xingchen, who’s frowning. “These were two separate incidents—"
“Mr. Xue, I don’t think that that makes it much better—"
“Ouch!” Meng Yao shoots to his feet. “He bit me! Your son bit me!”
Wei Wuxian scoops up A- Yuan, who's looking very satisfied with himself. “You shouldn’t have worn a carrot-orange shirt, then.”
“It’s not orange, it’s beige—"
“Maybe he was aiming for Xichen’s crocs and missed,” Xue Yang suggests.
Meng Yao pats his pockets. “Where’s my phone?”
Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, whose already-stuffed pocket is bulging further. Xue Yang likes dressing her in disarmingly cute dresses and skirts with huge pockets, the better to hide her loot. She grins and twirls a pigtail like Xue Yang twirls his ponytail and skips off with Jin Ling and A- Yuan.
Meng Yao is wearing the fixed smile of a Starbucks barista whose customer just asked to speak to the manager. Never a good sign. “Could somebody be so kind as to call my phone?”
Wei Wuxian makes a show of dialing. No one else moves. Lan Xichen mumbles something to himself in his sleep, chin sunk deep in his chest.
“Sorry, Jiggy,” says Wei Wuxian. “Maybe you left your phone at home?”
“You all saw me using it not a minute ago, and kindly stop calling me Jiggy—"
“A-Yao?”
Meng Yao’s customer service smile slips. “Just stop talking for five seconds, that’s all I ask—"
Dr. Wen shakes her head. At this point she seems more bored than anything else. “Moving along, Mr. Xiao, this is perhaps inconsequential when held up beside your husband’s joyrides with A-Qing—"
“Not a joyride,” Xue Yang interrupts. “That motorcycle is registered in my name. Well, a name—"
“—but A-Qing’s teacher has told me that she witnessed you allowing A-Qing to take candy from strangers.”
“The lady seemed nice,” says Xiao Xingchen, folding his hands placidly in his lap. “She had peppermints.”
Xue Yang sighs fondly.
JC - WWX
NHS: thnx for calling me WWX. reception could be better but this is better than anything on tv. literally candy from strangers?
JC: Dear heaven HE’S back. Just text a chat you're actually on!
NHS: ‘Dear heaven’?
JC: This is inane!
WWX: …not bad
Xiao Xingchen smiles. “She smelled like snickerdoodles and lavender.”
Dr. Wen sighs. “Mr. Xiao—"
“I’ll talk to him later, doctor,” says Xue Yang, patting Xiao Xingchen’s arm reassuringly. “Anything else? What did Mr. Beige do?” He grins at Meng Yao, who’s still looking for his phone.
“Mr. Meng, aside for the fire, which we’ve established is not your fault—though, fiance or not, you should be a bit more judicious in your choice of babysitters—"
Lan Wangji shoots Dr. Wen a look that almost melts the metal clip on her clipboard.
She absorbs it without so much as an eyebrow twitch. “—there is the Treehouse Incident, though I don’t believe the collapse of your nephew’s treehouse was your fault.”
JC - WWX - LWJ - We’re All Cool Here We Promise
NHS : i hear he bought the biggest fanciest one he could then set it up himself and then it fell down at the first storm. if that’s not a metaphor for his life I don’t know what is
JC : That wasn’t funny, someone could have gotten hurt
WWX : it was kind of funny
NHS : it was very funny
LWJ : "Hurt" like a baby at a weapons expo?
NHS : LWJ IN DA HOUSE!
JC : It was an ARCHERY RANGE
LWJ:
NHS: LWJ USED A GIF IM DEAD LMAO—
LWJ: *I’m
“We are suing the playhouse company,” says Meng Yao. “Right, Xichen?”
“Hm?” Lan Xichen sits up with a jerk. “I beg your pardon?”
Meng Yao gives him a patient smile and turns back to Dr. Wen. “As you can see, we have the situation well in hand.”
Lan Xichen has no idea what he’s talking about but nods along anyway. “Of course we do. In fact—" He whips out a recorder and starts playing “Wonderwall.”
“That was…lovely,” says Dr. Wen once he finishes. “Don’t do it again. Now, moving on to the County Fair Incident—"
“Which was an accident!”
“One more interruption, Mr. Wei, and you will be asked to return for solo counseling."
JC - LWJ - XY - NHS - Lan Wangji Pls Stop Vetoing All My Best Chat Names Thnx
NHS : Make him stand in the corner! LWJ, does that ever work at home?
XY : I think he uses *stronger* methods 😏
*Lan Wangji has left the chat*
JC : Xue Yang shut up I will end you that’s my brother
XY : End me with your sparkly little whip? 👀
JC : Your husband’s sitting right next to you you little freak. Allo people are so fricking annoying!
NHS : hey!
JC: I call it as I see it
NHS: your one to talk 😒
*Lan Wangji has joined the chat*
LWJ : *You're
*Lan Wangji has left the chat*
XY : How old were you when you lost your sense of humor, Grape Boy?
JC : “Grape Boy” is that the best you can do?
XY : there are children present
NHS : 🤭 🤭 🤭
JC : Same way there are children present while barreling down the highway at 80 mph on a motorcycle?
NHS:
XY : The state troopers blew that way out of proportion
Dr. Wen taps her clipboard. “Stealing livestock violates Section 2 of the Farm and Livestock Act—”
“No harm no foul,” shrugs Xue Yang. “And Xiao Xingchen gave all the trampled people candy afterward, so we’re all square. Well, snacks, anyway."
“Good snacks,” Xiao Xingchen adds. “Carob-covered rice cakes and trail mix.”
NHS: 🤢
“You can’t just hand out nuts children who might have an allergy—"
“There were also boxes of raisins. Full-size.”
Dr. Wen struggles to keep from rolling her eyes. Jiang Cheng rolls his hard enough for the both of them.
JC - NHS
NHS:
JC: wtf is that get that off my screen
“According to the police report, all three of your children broke into the paddock, released the donkey, and rode him down the main promenade, scattering fairgoers in their wake. I have the video.” Dr. Wen holds up her phone. Loud screams and merry-go-round music blast from her phone. “Mr. Xue? Anything to say?”
“That guy was barely trampled,” says Xue Yang. “Also, I had nothing to do with opening the paddock, whose latch sticks (just by the way), or helping the kids up onto the donkey, so—"
“This was found at the scene.” She holds up black leather necklace with a single red bead. "Look familiar, Mr. Xue?”
Xue Yang touches his bare throat. “I’ve been framed.”
“And this.” She holds up a flute and glances over at Wei Wuxian.
Wei Wuxian darts a quick glance over at Lan Wangji, who does not look amused. Then again, he never does. “Since when was I even a suspect—?"
“Since you left your flute there like an idiot,” says Jiang Cheng.
“Lil’ Apple’s paddock was too small! I had to do something."
“Gentlemen—"
The cuckoo clock on the wall goes off, waking up Lan Xichen, who’s drifted off again. He whips out his recorder again but Meng Yao lays a gently restraining hand on his wrist.
Dr. Wen rises. “We will continue this next week. In the meantime, I have some worksheets—"
JC - NHS
JC : Kill me now
NHS : i wouldnt tempt LWJ if i were u…
JC : not like I take up any of WWX’s precious time anyway anymore. LWJ goes out of town and WWX teams up with that nutcase ex-juvenile delinquent of all people to vandalize WC’s car?? In college we stole WC's team's stupid tortoise mascot together
NHS : …..i'll call u later
JC : Please don’t
NHS :
NHS: u can come over on ur own to watch a movie or smthing u know
NHS: ur new line launched already so ur not so busy now right?
NHS: u can bring jin ling along as a chaperone if u want
NHS: hello?
NHS: that was a joke…
JC: okay but no more romcoms
NHS: u brought mama mia over last time not me
JC: I grabbed the wrong dvd
NHS: …..🤐
JC: 🖕
NHS: 😏 see u soon
* * * *
One month later:
“Best session yet!” says Wei Wuxian as they pull up to his house in Jiang Cheng's sleek purple Jaguar. “I mean, Dr. Wen wasn’t thrilled about the whole ‘our kids visited Nie Huaisang’s bird sanctuary and now think they’re skvaders’ thing, but all in all—"
“Just get out of the car.” Jiang Cheng gives him a little shove. They’d all been busy this past month, and had only seen Nie Huaisang once, but that had been enough to convince the kids that they’re hybrid bunny-birds. “I’ll wait outside while you go and get Jin Ling—" He stops. A letter is nailed to the front door.
“Is someone starting another Protestant reformation?” Wei Wuxian jokes. He grins at Lan Wangji, who raises his eyebrow slightly. Excellent. So he found the joke as funny as he did, though going by the way he eyes the nail he’s not thrilled about what just happened to the door’s glossy blue paint.
Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and starts to read aloud. “ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable “presents” on our lawns—’ ”
Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”
LWJ unlocks the door. “What else?”
“ ‘Two: Gangs of feral rabbits rampaging through our flower beds!’ –They do have a point here. How they keep getting loose I’ll never know. ‘Number Three: Loud duets at midnight. We get it! You’re in love! Get a soundproof basement or shut the hell up!’ ” Wei Wuxian wrinkles his nose. “Who spit in their bean curd?”
“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.
Wei Wuxian slings an arm around his shoulders, the first time in weeks. Jiang Cheng hasn’t seen much of his brother outside of the counseling sessions. “Dr. Wen says that kind of negativity is toxic.”
Jiang Cheng grunts, but lets Wei Wuxian keep his arm on his shoulder. “I’ll show you toxic—”
The babysitter is sitting under the table with Jin Ling and A-Yuan when they enter the house, building a miniature cenotaph made out of blocks.
“The kids okay, Wen Ning?” Wei Wuxian asks him.
Wen Ning peers out from between two chairs. “We were under siege for a couple of hours. Pitchforks and torches, same old thing. But we turned out the lights and stayed away from the windows and made s’mores.”
“So that’s what happened to all the plastic lawn flamingos. Trampled by angry villagers."
Jiang Cheng pinches his temples. “I told you adopting an incontinent donkey was a bad idea. At least keep his paddock locked.”
“We don’t have to tell your sister about this, do we, Wen Ning? …Good. What did the mob look like? Did you catch any names?”
“They were led by a fat man with a goatee and a skinny old guy with beady eyes and a moustache like two long droopy rat tails." Wen Ning crawls out from under the table. “The skinny guy was wearing bright red and blue and purple clothes and the fat guy had a bullhorn. And my cousin Wen Chao was in back yelling something about the rising cost of dry cleaning in this day and age, I think?”
“Yao and Ouyang.” Wei Wuxian makes a face. “Power couple from hell, and I should know. I’ve been there.”
“Are they those nosy neighbors you’re always complaining about?” asks Jiang Cheng.
“They’ve been after us from day one!”
“Well, having that fierce corpse of yours key their car didn’t help.”
“That was an accident.”
Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes.
“You know, Nie Huaisang has been texting me about this house for sale next door to him,” says Wei Wuxian thoughtfully. “Lan Zhan, maybe we should check it out?”
Jiang Cheng picks up Jin Ling and pats him gently on the back. “You’re just going to have the same problem with the angry villagers, just across town.”
“No, it’s a big corner lot. I’ve seen it. Looks like the Addams Family lives there. Comes with its own little graveyard and everything. Huaisang’s family owns it, and they’ve been trying to unload it for months, but everyone thinks it’s haunted just because of that time I brought those fierce corpses with me on a visit and they got loose—but that’s neither here nor there. It’s perfect!”
Lan Wangji nods.
“Whatever.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. “Let’s get going, A-Ling.”
Once he’s strapped Jin Ling into his car seat, he takes out his phone.
JC - NHS
JC : Your plan worked
Nie Huaisang:
???
Jiang Cheng: yeah. Thanks for riling them up behind my brother’s back all month. Class move. Direct and straightforward
NHS:
NHS: not that they needed much inciting. wwx blowing up the garage was the last straw
JC : was still weirdly convoluted for no reason
JC : Not sure why you had to get me involved either
NHS: says the guy who lives 20 blocks away but still volunteered to file the noise complaint because, i quote, “the duets *R* annoying”
JC : well you can’t file a complaint about them stopping mid-conversation with you to gaze soulfully into each others’ eyes for ten minutes
NHS : *snort*
JC : If you miss WWX so much 🙄 why didn’t you just tell him straight out instead of pulling this shtick?
NHS:
NHS : there’s another house available down the street just fyi…
NHS: my big fat greek wedding sat night? u bring the dvd n i’ll get the pizza
Shaking his head, but smiling to himself, Jiang Cheng starts the car.
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BTBY Chapter 13
Series Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.
Chapter Summary: Where the fuck is Ben?
Previous Chapter here
Namjoon wakes up with a start as he feels something kicking his foot. He looks up to see Xavier holding a tray of coffee. He rubs his face with his palm and shakes his head. “Hey.”
“Sorry, I tried just saying your name but it wasn’t working. Coffee?” He asks and holds out one of the cups.
“Yes, thanks.” He takes the cup and looks over to see you’re still sleeping.
“Any updates?” Xavier asks as he sits two coffee cups on the side table.
“No. They brought a doctor in to show her the skull xrays and then she passed out. Anything on your end?”
Xavier takes a deep breathe in, sitting on the window ledge. “Yeah, I went to their apartment. I have a key because you know, best friend,” he gestures to himself. He pauses and looks over at your sleeping form to make sure that you are really out of it before he proceeds. He lowers his volume slightly and looks over ta Namjoon. “And Ben is nowhere to be found. The shower was wet though so he definitely went home and showered. Their car is gone and he’s ghosting me, Gina, and Joe.”
“Wow. What a dick.”
“Yeah, well Ben and I aren’t on the best of terms anyway so yes, I agree with you a million percent. I just don’t know what I’m going to say to [y/n] when she wakes up asking about it.” He sips his coffee and then gets his phone out.
Namjoon takes out his phone to check any messages he may have gotten in his sleep. He has several from the other members and their manager.
[Tae]: ok. I’ll fly out tonight. Are you feeling better now that she’s awake?
[Manager Sejin]: That’s fine. We understand. Just lay low and we’ll sort it. I booked the hotel for the rest of the week. Lmk if you need longer.
[Jin]: Im gOiNg To GeT My SOulMarK rEmOvEd -_-
[JHOOOOOOPE]: Are you feeling better now? Tae says you are staying there for a while. BE NICE.
[JIMINISSI]: We miss you. Take care.
Namjoon sends replies to everyone except Jin. And then scrolls through social media.
“I’m ordering non-hospital food. Do you want anything?” Xavier asks, breaking the silence.
“No. I’m fine. Thanks. I think I’ll head over to the hotel and nap if you’re going to stay here?” He says getting up out of the chair.
“Yeah. I’ll be here until around 2 and then Rafael is going to stop by. Just wait a minute, I’m going to ask the nurse if [y/n] can eat food from out or not.” Xavier says not waiting for an answer as he exits the room.
Namjoon walks over to your bed and covers your foot that you’ve kicked out from under the sheet. The pressure cuffs are still on your legs, preventing blood clots. He feels guilty once again that he had been so selfish when you were lying here with so many tubes and devices stuck to you. He decided last night he will make it up to you. Somehow. As much as he can in the next few days.
He walks over to the hospital table and takes out the small memo pad and writes down his phone number with a note. “I’ll be back this afternoon. If you need something before then: xxxxxxxxxx” He puts it on your bedside table underneath the coffee cup.
Xavier walks back in. “Two breakfast burritos on their way. Yesss.” He says, satisfied with his breakfast order. “Did anyone say how long she might have to stay here?”
“No. I think she’s getting her legs evaluated today.” Namjoon responds as he packs up hs phone charger and puts his trash into the small bin.
“Thanks for coming RM. And more importantly for staying. I know you didn’t really want any of this,” Xavier gestures to the whole area.
“Call me Namjoon. And how long have you known about…” he pauses not sure how to word it. “Me and [y/n] being soulmates?”
Xavier laughs, “Uh since day one. Best friend, remember?” he says dryly. He looks towards the door, making sure the three of you are the only ones in the room. “I also know about your extracurricular activities.”
Namjoon feels his face grow a little red.
“Your secret is safe with me.” Xavier pauses for a moment. “So. When are you flying out?”
“I think I’ll stay for the rest of the week. I’m still not really up to performing yet, and also I want to stay and make sure she gets better.”
Xavier raises his eyebrows at this but doesn’t say anything. “Ok. Well then I guess I’ll see you around then?”
“Yeah, see you,” Namjoon responds as he leaves the room to go see Tae before the younger man flies out.
------------
You wake up to sunlight streaming into your room. Fuck your head still hurt. But your arms feel much less stiff today, you noticed as you slowly started to wake up more. You blink the sleep out of your eyes and smelled coffee. YEsssss you thought. It had been forever. Well maybe a week. And you were unconscious for a lot of it, but you were still excited. You wiggle your body into a more seated position and use the bed remote to raise you. You saw the coffee cup next to your bed and reached for it, and also saw a note with a coffee ring. You pick it up and read it. Namjoon’s number? Wow, you think as you took out your phone and added the contact.
“Hey babe,” you hear Xavier’s voice and look over towards the doorway. He’s holding a bag of food and is once again your favorite person in the world.
“Hey. Sorry for yelling at you yesterday.” You say. You felt super embarrassed as you remember all the yelling and crying you did yesterday.
“No worries. You got hit by a car. I freak out when they get my coffee order wrong,” Xavier commiserates as he walks closer. “The nurse said you can have real food. Do you want some?”
“Yes. Absolutely.” you respond immediately, your stomach growling and aching. You had eaten a few crackers yesterday but didn’t want to push your luck. Today though, you were ravenous. Xavier walks closer and tosses a burrito onto your lap. HE is dreading the question he knows you are going to ask him so he stalls.
“I talked to Namjoon a bit this morning. He seems a lot nicer.”
You are chewing your burrito as you nod your head, “Yeah. I guess so. He was nicer to me yesterday too. Weird. And, he gave me his number.” You hold up the piece of paper.
“Honey that’s nothing, I’ve been texting him for days.” Xavier teases you as he bites his burrito.
You laugh, covering your mouth full of food. “Such a brat. Thanks for the food.”
“Of course,” he responds.
You check your phone to see if you have any messages from Ben. Nothing.
[Y/N]: Are you ok? I’m worried about you.
You send the message off. “Have you heard from Ben?” You ask Xavier. You can tell by his shift in body posture that he hasn’t.
“No.”
There’s more to it….”Did you go to the apartment?”
“I did. He had been there and showered, but he was gone by the time got there.”
You feel knots in your stomach. “What if he’s been in an accident or something?”
Xavier can’t help but feel annoyed. If Ben would just answer his fucking phone you two wouldn’t be here worrying about his stupid ass.
“He probably just needed to clear his head or something. If we haven’t heard from him in a while we can call jails and hospitals.” Xavier says nonchalantly.
You felt nauseous at the thought of your fiance being in either one of those places. You put your burrito down, suddenly unable to finish it.
“You gotta eat [y/n] even when your boyfriend sucks.” Xavier says flippantly.
You pout. “Fiance. And he could be in trouble Even if he’s busy sorting shit out in his head, it’s a lot to take in that your partner has a soulmate and didn't tell you.”
Xavier rolls his eyes, “ Yeah. Except he should be here with you, talking it through. And supporting you, you just got out of a fucking coma.”
You sigh. You and Ben’s relationship had become a point of contention between you and Xavier over the past few months. Ben had been distant while you were on your summer tour, rarely responding to your texts and almost never facetime-ing you. When you complained about it, he had called you clingy. Xavier sent you a million memes on gaslighting and toxic behavior until you got annoyed with him and told him to stop. You lowered your expectations of Ben. After all, you were the one who had decided to spend your summer traveling around the country. You were lucky to be with someone so understanding of your schedule. At least that’s what you tell yourself.
And then he didn’t pick you guys up at the airport. He forgot. Even though you reminded him several times and forwarded him the flight confirmation. The two of you waited at the airport for two hours just in case he remembered before Xavier angrily called Joe who arrived after 20 minutes.
“See [y/n]? This is what a good boyfriend looks like.” He snidely commented to you as he walked around and hugged and kissed Joe.
“You can’t control what anyone else does babe. You can only control your reaction to it. You eating that burrito or not isn’t going to make Ben appear, but it will help you feel better.”
“Yeah,” you say and pick it back up, taking small bites to make Xavier happy.
The rest of the morning passes quickly after that, with various doctors and nurses coming in and out, checking the screens, reading off blood counts, cognitive checks, and examining your legs. You tell Xavier to get his butt back to work, promising him that you will take care of yourself.
A cheerful woman pops in with a walker. “Hello! I’m Mandy and I’m one of the physical therapists here. We’re going to see how your legs are doing. Is that alright?”
You nod your head. “Yeah. I’ll be glad to get these things off,” you gesture to the cuffs.
“Yes, hopefully you’ll be able to bear weight and we can work on lessening the cuff time.” She walks over and gently removes the pressure cuffs off your legs. “Now it’s been a week since you’ve usd your legs so we’re going to take it nice and slow. We don’t want you falling.”
“Ok,” you say and swing your legs over the side of the bed and gently slide down, allowing your feet to touch the hospital floor. You can tell they don’t quite feel normal, like they belong to someone else.
“Let’s just start with this. You’re going to use this and stand. Ok?” She places the aluminum walker in front of you. You nod your head and grip both sides of the frame. Holy shit she wasn’t kidding. Just standing there your body feels so heavy and foreign to you.
“Good. Good. Just stand there for a few more seconds and then we’ll have you sit down and do that a few more times.” She makes a few notes on her tablet.
You stand there for a few more seconds and then you see Namjoon in the doorway. “Hey,” you greet him as you take a seat on the bed.
Mandy turns and casually looks over at the doorway. And then looks again, clearly missing how hot he was the first time. You notice her eyes widen a bit as she makes eye contact with her tablet. You get second hand embarrassment and blush as well.
“Can I come in or is this a bad time?” he asks.
Mandy clears her throat, “It’s fine with me, it’s up to you.” She says to you. “Stand up again please.”
“Sure, come in. But no making fun of me.” You say as you stand up again. You feel your joints starting to loosen up a bit this time.
“I don’t know if I can comply with those terms.” He says from the doorway. You admire how his solid frame takes up so much of the space there.
“Yeah, well just remember if I fall it hurts you, so encouragement is encouraged.”
He laughs, “Encouragement is encouraged? Wow. And English is your first language.”
You smirk. “Go sit down and read a book or something.”
You continue with your standing exercises for a few more minutes.
“Ok that’s all for right now, we don’t want to wear you out. Keep doing that a few times every hour and we can keep the cuffs off during the day.” She smiles at you reassuringly. “I’ll be back at 4 and we are going to do work with therabands. I’ll see you then.”
“Great, thank you.” you respond as she leaves the walker and exits the room. “Ughhh that was so tiring.” You complain as you swing your legs back into bed and place them under the covers.
“Hey, it’s way better than yesterday.” Namjoon says from his chair by the window.
“True. How are you feeling today?”
“A lot better. I grabbed a nap and shower at the hotel and talked to the team.”
“When do you fly out?”
“Trying to get rid of me so quickly?” He asks, feigning insult.
You roll your eyes, “I feel like you have a very important day job that you should get back to.”
Namjoon smiles, “I’ll leave in a week. I guess less if you kick me out.”
“No, I like having you here. You know other than the constant insults, your eye candy factor helps balance it out” You tease him and he laughs You hear a noise from the doorway. You recognize it instantly. It’s Ben clearing his throat.
“Sorry. Am I interrupting something?”
NEXT CHAPTER
Tags: @calling-dips-on-j-hope @ghostkat23 @cuteipat @marianeamine @thisisval @almonte12 @themisunderstoodblackswan
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.
oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???
got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker
the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.
her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like
basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that
girl be actin homeless---mood
so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like
‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’
n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao
‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’
i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao
anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!
cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke
i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that
but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me?????????????????????
um...no one
like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway
cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’
n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE
n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.
n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time
n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate
and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve
n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset
cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck
deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts
n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT
n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO
n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS
n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually
n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive
n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like
no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here
n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...
cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane
n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more
n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican
and she gave me a sideeye
but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right
im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?
im scared.
like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race
n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen
like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?
my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school
n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh
im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist
i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule
like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack
wat is the truth rip
the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.
my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow
n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.
which is ye know good for her rip.
i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities
like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like
binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye
n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm
mine is for science n validity
hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...
bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip
but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?
im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???
prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???
what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.
i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.
that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.
n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip
i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man
meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip
god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly
# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me
now im sad
im dead.
omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’
DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready
like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love
the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love
the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness
but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh
bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip
meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...
i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do
but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble.
bitter but like...humble
‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’
‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’
‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’
oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?
had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.
my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni
rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you
n she was like so no children then:(
n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro
but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?
anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...
sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji
rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh
At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that
then she was like ew nO
then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card
which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.
so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth
but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?
really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.
nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR
rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand
i miss the gays
i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well
add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand
n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--
n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’
n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’
n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip
Big sand honestly.
it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand
i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8
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