#dishonestdiary

[wormeatworm]

7-3-22

What the fuck is up with drug dealers and taking 8 million years to reply to messages😭 all I want in this life right now is drug🤌🏻 I’m so tired of being alive currently, I know I need to talk to a psychiatrist lol

I’ve been really bad about responding lately. I’d be such a shit drug dealer. I’m a shit plant seller, I haven’t replied to a potential buyer in weeks😓

Todayyyyyy I get to have K sign my name change paperwork and then I’ll be official!!! I just have to turn it in! I’m so, so happy. Everything seems to be coming together for me. Soon my name will be MINE

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #cute #friends

[wormeatworm]

5-28-22

I love my girlfriend. She’s laying next to me in bed sleeping and I’m just so in love with her. She helps me with so many things and is just such a warm and good energy in my life. Her personality is so quirky and sweet and I love it

This morning I’m awake at 7 for some reason haha, I just wanna be feral and scream and run and get a bunch of chores done but alas: it’s 7 haha

Yeehaw everything is happening in a few days😃 it’s gonna be pride month and I’m so excited! My anniversary is on the 1st😃 I need to go shopping for it😅 but I’m also making something👀

What does someone even get their girlfriend of two years??? Like “hello here is my heart again, see also: my ass”🤣 no but really, pls help

I just need to casually find something super good. She always does so so much for our anniversaries and I want to do something really nice for her🥺

I keep having nightmares every night. I don’t know what do do with them. I just wake up feeling all shaken up and the day starts on weird footing😭 I need to go take care of my plants to reset lol

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #sad #cute #friends #upset #depression #writings #ugh #original #family #sleep #i wish #bean likes it when I stay in bed and don’t run around before she wakes up #she says she likes sleeping with me in bed #silly bean aha #i love her

[wormeatworm]

Do you ever eat out your girlfriend?

Of course that’s the whole point of dating a person with a pussy ayooo

It is my favorite thing ever

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #have you heard that reel sound that’s like ‘every day. not all day every day but. every. day’ that’s me #but nah we haven’t had sex in awhile but I’ve eaten her out a million times in my life #we been busy

[wormeatworm]

Who gave you the right to be so hot?

Hehehe no one, I’m out here breakin the LAW😘

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #anon #thank you bb #hehe

[wormeatworm]

3-8-23

Work is so awkward and tense and painful atm, two of our coworkers are fighting and one is this beautiful amazing woman whomst I love, and the other is just being so unbelievably abusive to her and I feel so horrible :(( I hate that I’m not allowed to talk to anyone about it and they’re not allowed to either :(

I had to take my septum piercing out because I had to get an MRI for my silly dizzy brain, so now I’m wearing a clear acrylic ring and it’s so dumb🤬 how can anyone know I’m super queer if they can’t see my septum??? It’s barely there like I’m trying to hide it😭 and I can’t put my OG ring in because we uhhhh, destroyed it,,, trying to get it out😅 I have -$22 in my bank account because I had to pay $460 to find out that my cat has no liver or kidney problems (which is amazing, but like,,,, $500 to find that out is very painful😅). I was finally ahead on finances and now I’m back behind🥲 I’m so tired I feel like there’s nothing left. I don’t know how I’m meant to get ahead when there’s ALWAYS something. And I have to buy special food for her now that’s like $80, which I’m so happy she’s getting that fiber and will hopefully feel better, but jfc I don’t have another $80 a month to spend on her, we already pay like $45 a month for her meds, which means my baby costs at LEAST $120 a month before any litter or anything🥲 I love her so endlessly and I’d do anything for her, it’s just,,, overwhelming because money is a huge trigger for my depression and anxiety.

I finally confronted Kell about being assaulted and no one believing me or caring, and I haven’t read her message yet, I think she was nice about stuff, I’m just so anxious about it. I hate hurting people and I hate being mean and I don’t think it was mean or uncalled for, I just wish things had gone differently in the first place so I wouldn’t have to create conflict :/ (I know it’s not creating conflict, HE created the conflict by assaulting me and that’s not my fault)

My therapist pushed me to do it and I scheduled my text for today, and sent it at like 9:30am because I got so anxious that I just had to do it. I’m really glad I did, I’m just still very anxious about it. Once again very grateful I carry my Ativan around with me just in case.

I have been meditating today at work to raise my vibes as high as I possibly can to combat the shit vibes at work today. After work will be so good though and we will make it a good day,

Anyways I haven’t been around for far too long and I need to start keeping better record of my life. It’s so much better than it ever has been but I feel that I’m always complaining. Problems continue but they seem to get smaller as I grow as a person. A year ago even a small problem would be taller than a tree but now I feel like they’d be a stick to me. I know now how to gingerly hold a conflict and breathe life back into the tension so it can be resolved. I prefer talking to avoiding now, and feel a lot of cognitive dissonance from not addressing conflict quickly. I feel like that’s really really good and I’m so grateful to have made so much progress. Even being tense all the time, I check in with my body constantly (like once every five minutes on average, yes I did the math) so I will un-tense pretty frequently and I feel that it’s been really helpful to managing my emotions, because my body isn’t feeling like it’s going to explode constantly. The other day in therapy, I did a 7-month progress report and I am??? So proud of my results? They are almost ALL significantly better and I’m deadass gonna post it in this thread. (Self esteem, 10 is terrible and 0 is great)

We also know where we’re probably going to get married, I have a good idea of what I want to look like, and I’m just, life is good and things work out, especially when you’re trying so, so hard.

Anyways I love you, future Worm, I see you trying and it’s paying off I promise

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #writing #journal #relationships #love #therapy #personal growth #mental health

[wormeatworm]

favorite sex position?

Face between her thighs👀 alternatively, laying on my stomach🤌🏻

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #anon #thank u anon

[wormeatworm]

Eating ass or getting your ass ate?

Like which have I done?? Neither lol, I don’t know if I’d be able to eat someone’s ass, just knowing how people clean their asses lol

#life #spilled ink #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #relationships #ask #anon #thank u fren #love u #ask me anything! #bored at work

[wormeatworm]

12-18-22

Every day that I am on Ritalin I’m more of a normal person, I stg I can function so much better, I’ve never been so confident in my whole life,

It’s been so hard to get to this point but I’m finally here and I’m so so grateful😭

Anyways it’s Sunday evening so I’m deeply depressed because I have to go back to work tomorrow😪 working full time is nice because money is essential but goddamn am I tired

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #sad #upset #depression #writings #ugh #original

[wormeatworm]

10-27-22

Truly it is the 28th at 6am but that’s nighttime still lmao

I am so genuinely excited for Friday; we are going out to eat for supper, and then we’re going to a queer bar because it’s nearly Halloween😃 it’s the only bar I’ve ever genuinely felt safe in and I am so excited to go back! If I can make $17 by tomorrow afternoon too, I’m gonna go to the dispensary to get a vape🙏🏻 I’m really hoping I can, it’s so hard to get drunk when I don’t smoke too😅 but either way I am so excited to spend time with my love and publicly kiss her and maybe even get to smash my face inbetween her legs lmfao

Today I went to the doctor and got a referral to ENT because my hearing is still muffled, and I’m gonna ask them about my nose too if I can. My PCP did some weird test where I had to follow her finger with my eyes and apparently they moved funny?? It’s called nystagmus ig and my eyeballs are fucked because my ear is fucked? I am fairly certain I have done this forever but whatever lmao

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #cute #k #my baby #love that bean

[wormeatworm]

10-12-22

Today was so much. I feel like I wasted my morning (I can’t remember what I did) and then I was late to my rheum appointment, (but I now know there was a good reason, I just didn’t at the time so I was very anxious). Thank goD we got there just in time and he actually took the time to hear me out and changed my meds in a way that I’m praying will help me more. My brother was with me for it and I’m so grateful because I know for a fact that this doctor is a giant cunt unless you bring someone with you to the appointment💀 my new meds are injectable instead of pills and it’s supposed to work better and I feel so blessed because I’m just in so much pain right now :( (I’m flaring)

After we got home, I made us all supper and we talked for hours. He brought me two plants and some homemade honey and jam!!! And such good vibes even though things are so shit back at our parents’ house (where he currently lives). I learned so much about our family affairs (I am no contact with my dad and faith so I never go home or hear about drama) and we talked about the positive changes our mom has been making.

At like 9 he left and I had a meltdown from overstimulation (we are both LOUD ASS MOTHERFUCKERS), and K had to help me calm down🥺❤️ (I am so lucky) and then my youngest sister called me to rant about faith too (she’s getting married in 10 days apparently so everyone is pissed as fuck at her because she is an INSANE PERSON as we already know smdh). After that, we fed the kitties and did litter and now we’re in bed, and I should be asleep

I’m exhausted and it’s 1am on the 13th but I can’t sleep because my brain won’t stop buzzing from stimulation. I am dreading work tomorrow a little bit but I know it’ll be easy and I’m going to look for new jobs tomorrow

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #family #siblings #my only two siblings I care for

[wormeatworm]

Ho would you feel if your fiance (or anyone really) got you a collar and leash and told you that if you want to be someone's pet, you got to have stuff to make you someone's pet?

I’d be like “BET” and get on the fuckin floor🤌🏻

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #relationships #deadass #i fuck w dom sub relationships so I’d be very happy to be a pet #I’m pretty consistently touch starved so I’d love it

[wormeatworm]

10-2-22

I don’t know how I thought I would be better after college, I don’t know how I thought I would be better after high school

I want to kill myself so badly, more than I have since my last semester in school and I’m so scared because there’s no end in sight. I can’t hold out until I “graduate” I have to live in this for the rest of my life. I work 20 hours a week right now and it is killing me, but I have to get a full time job now and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I am so afraid I’m going to die

I just don’t know how I’m going to survive the rest of my life

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #tw suicide #idk #you’re welcome for telling you things no one else knows #not that you even want to know or care #I’m going to die

[wormeatworm]

9-24-22

I’m crossed!! I’m watching Legally Blonde because it’s the best movie ever, and I’m feeling pretty good, something about being consistently productive for a few weeks is??? So freeing??? I can do stuff and it is insane, my adhd meds are working so far and I am so so grateful😭

Life is so shit right now but at least there are a lot of things going right too, so I’m glad to be where I am

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal

[wormeatworm]

9-21-22

I can’t sleep. I’ve been tossing for like 20 minutes and I just need to write it out since my brain won’t shut up

I have mono again. This is the third time it’s flared up and I am just so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep for days but I have work :/

I don’t think I’m going to be able to pay my bills this month and I don’t know what to do. All I can do is panic because I have no solutions available to me :/

Next week at therapy we’re starting EMDR for trauma processing and I’m so scared. I feel like she’s going to end our sessions after we talk about the trauma, and I’m afraid I’ll get triggered and that I won’t be able to use my “container” or safe place. I’m worried that I’ll agree to processing just because I’m masking, and then I’m going to re-traumatize myself.

I feel like I’m completely burnt out and I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue. Work is so hard to force myself to do, I feel like I’m getting burnt out

:( I don’t know how to stop this or how to make it better and I am just so anxious and sad about it

I’m trying not to ruminate too much but it’s just impossible to not ruminate when I have $0 and a million bills and theee animals and a human to support. I feel like such a failure for not being able to force myself to apply for jobs, and for not being able to save money :/ my mother in law literally had to buy my license plate sticker because i couldn’t afford it. And now I owe her like $700. And I owe B at Least $450. And I owe my mom $120. I’m trying really hard to keep track of the money I owe people so I can pay them back, but I just have no idea how I’ll ever be able to. Like both my credit cards are maxed out and I just have no idea how I’m going to survive even another month :(

As a nice aside, K and I talked yesterday because I got my feelings hurt, and I am so glad she gently pushed me to talk about it because I completely misunderstood the situation and it ended up being a really wholesome moment of her telling me how much she loves me and how much she loves hearing me sing and stuff. I appreciate her more than I can possibly say

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #sad #depression #writings

[wormeatworm]

7-27-22

I’m feeling really anxious in this chilis tonight. I dread going into work on Thursday and Friday, because I know I’ll have to work in call center :/ I just want to get a new job but I know I need to stick it out and just keep trying :// all I want to do is quit and apply for disability and try to get that until I get married :( I’m so tired and sick and exhausted from working all the time and I’m only working 20 hour weeks. I can’t even imagine working 40

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #sad #upset #depression #writings #ugh #original #sleep #work #disabled

[wormeatworm]

7-9-22

Yesterday was really hard. Baby scheduled an appointment to get her eyebrow pierced and I got sad because I thought we were getting our piercings together, so we kinda got into a tiny fight on the way home (bc I shut down) :/ but then as soon as I explained my brain, she immediately offered to pay for my piercing AND called them to schedule it right then and there😭

Otherwise, I went to a rheumatology appointment and they put me on a new med that should help my hands hurt less! Which is just such a blessing to me, I’ve been so upset about my hands for over a dozen years and it’s FINALLY being taken care of

#life #spilled ink #rejectscorner #dishonestdiary #honesty #love #writing #journal #relationships #sad #cute #friends #upset #depression #writings #ugh #original #family #sleep #health #girlfriend #k