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hunxi-after-hours · 3 years

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Reading QianQiu after passively reading enough of your metas that I got faaar too involved without *knowing* anything and I'm *loving* it, so thank you so much! Sort of trying to do my best to read slowly because I unfortunately don't know enough Chinese to read the original and the translation isn't complete (and MTL is not my thing, especially as someone who has worked in translation). Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I love you and your posts and thoughts on danmei, on YanShen, on *flails arms* literally everything. 🥺

Sadly, recently I've sort of seen a lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment around (blocked the tag, but then the guilt-tripping kept churning in my head, so I went down the rabbit hole of discourse and uh, you know how *that* goes), so I meant to ask you something, as you're one of the rare people whose intellect I deeply, deeply respect. I know you've talked about fujoshi and the history of that term in some depth before and I too have looked at other Japanese breakdowns of this thing, but I was thinking that...what *does* constitute "fetishisation"? When does it crossover from shipping into *that* territory? I...struggle seeing myself doing anything of that sort, not because of some egoistic moral purity but because... I've literally blubbered and sobbed, complete with very nice sounding hiccups, over these mlm stories, Hunxi, as I'm sure many of us have too! Maybe it's romanticisation of gay ships, but that's not similar to fetishizing, and mlm... *is* about gay romance so lol. I'm just confused about this deal: what's the line? Is there even one? Shouldn't fetishisation be a concern about...real queer relationships (I tentatively offer the example of idol-shipping) and not characters in fictional landscapes?

sldkfjsdlkj okay first of all anon I want to point out the deep, deep irony in asking someone who identifies as ace to weigh in on fetishization discourse, because someone out there deserves to get at least a chuckle out of that

secondly, I do want to reiterate that I deliberately avoided talking about fetishization discourse in this post precisely because I feel dramatically unqualified to do so, but uhhh sure, guess I'll throw my 0.2 cents below the cut, all imaginable qualifiers apply

let’s come at this sideways, so hold my hand, we’re going on a thought experiment:

let’s say, for purposes of discussion, that there is a man with an Asian fetish. for ease of caricature, let’s say he is a straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish. Asian women turn him on; he is interested in becoming sexually and romantically involved with Asian women; he experiences sexual arousal in the company of Asian women; et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

so a fetish is, by its dictionary definition, an object or person, physical or imagined, that causes sexual arousal. An Asian fetish means that Asian women, or perhaps Asian-ness in general (whatever that means to you), causes sexual arousal. still with me?

cool, because here’s the thing about sexual arousal: it has fuck-all to do with consent

arousal is a bodily, physiological response to stimuli (external or imagined), which means that, generally speaking, we don’t have control over what arouses us. people can become sexually aroused by stimuli (pornography, sexual contact) without wanting to be aroused at all. arousal is not a sign of secret consent, or secretly wanting sex. me being allergic to pollen isn’t an indicator of my secret hatred for flowers--it’s a bodily response to external stimuli. Likewise, arousal just happens--it’s an indicator of nothing more, and nothing less, than the fact that something has triggered a physiological response, and it happens to be sexual in nature

so back to our hypothetical straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish. he discovers one day that there is a pattern to his sexual arousal, and that he’s really, really into Asian women. okay

I don’t think there’s anything inherently, morally, existentially, metaphysically wrong with having a fetish, just as there isn’t anything inherently, morally, existentially, or metaphysically wrong with having allergies. so your body has a certain response to certain external stimuli, okay! the question that follows, then, is this: what do you do about it?

let’s say our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man decides to learn more about Asia, since hey, he’s got a vested interest, right? perhaps he begins taking Japanese lessons, which leads to him taking Japanese history courses, which leads to him studying abroad in Japan, which leads to him to writing a dissertation, to getting a P.h.D., to becoming one of the foremost Japanologists in the Anglophone sphere (oh, let’s assume he’s an English-speaker too for simplicity’s sake). He marries his Japanese girlfriend of seven years and celebrates every other new year’s with her family, where he chats up his in-laws with his accented-but-fluent Japanese and never fails to delight the distant cousin who still thinks it’s wildly novel that this white man can speak Japanese and reference anything from history to memes.

He still has an Asian fetish, which becomes relevant in the bedroom, becomes relevant when his girlfriend suggests children and he thinks about it and says sure, you just got tenure and I’m a year away from it, if you really want a kid let’s have one, and anyway they’ve been married for three years so it’s not like this is anything new to them

but back to where we began, which is with a straight, cisgender, Anglophone white man with an Asian fetish. can we say, in this idealized, hypothetical scenario of interracial romance and domestic bliss, that he did anything wrong?

was it wrong of him to study Japan? no, gatekeeping fields of study based on ethnicity is pretty backward, essentialist, and counterproductive. was it wrong of him to date an Asian woman? no, since we’re assuming that their relationship is fully consensual and joyful. was it wrong of him, a straight, cisgender Anglophone white man, who enjoys all the intersectional privileges based on his race and gender and birth and presentation, to date an Asian woman? no, because no single individual person is responsible for global systems of hegemonic, imperialist, and heteropatriarchal power structures that have formulated over literal centuries of human existence. individuals may participate in these power structures; they may be complicit, participatory, rebellious, subversive, but individuals are not, by virtue of the accident of birth, responsible for the existence of structures that preceded them into the world

all of which is to say, I think our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish who dedicated his life to studying Japan and married a Japanese woman has, well, tried his best. sure, his point of departure might have been sexual arousal, but he didn’t stop there, didn’t let that become the end-all and be-all of his relationship with Asian-ness

so it seems to me that the problem of fetishes is not that they exist, but in how we respond to them--which is to say, the transition from ‘fetish’ to ‘fetishization,’ the verbifying of the noun in question

fetishization is a problem when it reduces the object (or person, real or imagined) to nothing more than its sexual purpose. when Asian women are reduced to nothing more than sexual objects, flattening their complexity and humanity into nothing more than a thing that inspires sexual arousal--that’s a problem. or hmm, what else gets slapped with the ‘fetishization’ label... oh sure, why not--loyalty kinks (also known as fealty kinks, often seen in bodyguard-client dynamics, or soldier-commander dynamics, or vassal-lord dynamics). is there anything inherently wrong with enjoying those dynamics, or portrayals of these dynamics? no, of course not--these relationships can be incredibly powerful and moving, in fiction or in reality, and there’s a saying somewhere about babies and bathwater that seems relevant here. the point is, if you reduce these relationships of intense loyalty and devotion to nothing more than the fact that you get sexually aroused by them, that’s where I think you’d run into trouble

so, back to the original question: where does enjoying a mlm relationship in a text end, and fetishizing mlm relationships begin? well, if the above logic extends this far, then the line is drawn at the reduction of mlm relationships to nothing more than the consumer’s sexual arousal. the line’s a bit wonky in fiction/media because, like--look, if it’s pornography or PWP fic, the whole point of it is sexual arousal, and we are not getting into a discussion about the morals of pornography--but again, the line is drawn at action, and specifically action that affects other people. if our hypothetical, straight, cisgender white man with an Asian fetish decided not to go out of his way to do anything about his Asian fetish (we’re not going to condemn him for what he does alone in the privacy of his bedroom, but let’s say he doesn’t catcall Asian women or stereotype them or make advances upon them either), then like. idk, that seems fine to me, you’re not obliged to make a sexual fetish your life’s driving purpose either, that’s like saying everyone with a foot fetish has to become a podiatrist and uhhh that seems a little ill-advised but that might just be me

this is getting stupid long again sdflskdfjslk but I think the tl;dr of it is that it’s perfectly fine and normal to have a fetish, just be critically aware of how it motivates your actions and the way you think, speak, and act (and how your thoughts, words, and actions affect the people you interact with). reductive fetishization doesn’t have to look like catcalling women on their street based on physical appearance; it might look like a blockbuster movie that reduces other people, aesthetics, or cultures to sexualized and exoticized set dressing with no complexity or critical examination. it might look like romanticizing or sexualizing fictional queer relationships and forcibly projecting that fictional romanticization/sexualization onto very real queer people and attempting to reduce them to your personal fantasies, regardless of their own experiences, feelings, beliefs, and desires. it might look like blithely or belligerently ignoring cultural complexity and historical context in favor of the specific interpretation that turns you on

tl;dr for real -- just be respectful and aware of how your preferences and biases influence the way you speak and interact with other people, especially in fandom spaces, and idk you’ll probably be fine

#uhhhhhhh does this belong in the tag I'm throwing it in the tag #hunxi thinks about danmei and gender #idk I do think that danmei is very much about female fantasies and female desires in East Asia #idk how much of it is actually about gay men #the concerns over danmei literature appropriating gay male voices are valid I think #but it's also not something that most of us have any qualifications to speak on #tl;dr keep a solid head on your shoulders and don't make sweeping generalizations about people or culture based on portrayals in webnovels #um #tw fetishization discourse #I think?#that being said if folks could stop fetishizing 知己/知音 that'd be lit thanks

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thegeminisage · 3 years

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Do u have any advice for a questioning ace or resource references that may have helped u? I consider myself a bi ace and I DO find ppl attractive and beautiful and I feel all gooey/butterflies w attractive ppl but I also don't want to have sex with them?? Like maybe down the line if I really RLLY fall in love with someone and they want that I can try/ease into it but I don't have any intention or want to do that right now. Does that sound ace at all?

the website i went to when i was figuring stuff out was the message boards on aven, but i haven’t been there in over a literal decade, so i can’t vouch for it anymore - i feel like i read that they had a little bit of a racism problem in recent years. reddit is for the most part deeply DEEPLY cursed but i comment over at r/asexuality sometimes (not...under this name i have a secret name lol) and they seem like generally a good bunch. just, uh, don’t wander out of there. i really wish i had a tumblr blog to give you but i find most of them these days are filled with people complaining about aphobia which is SOOO fucking valid but it gets disheartening to see on your dash like ALL the time yk? but if anyone has any they can link ‘em in the notes. imo the best resource is to talk to or read about what other ace people are saying about their feelings and experiences, especially older aces or people who are “used to” being ace, if that makes any sense. not to sound too self-important but being almost two decades out from my first “oh i might be that” moment i like to think i qualify lol. i say this a lot but ftr my door is always open for these kinds of questions!!

anyway, first of all, the short answer, yes, that does sound totally ace. you can get the butterflies and find people beautiful without finding them HOT/sexually attractive. you can be attracted to someone w/o it being sexual. so if all or most or even much of the time you don’t feel sexual attraction, you’re under the ace umbrella.

asexuality is on a huge spectrum and there’s not really any such thing as like the ace police who are gonna come throw u in jail if you’re not “really” ace. but labels are supposed to describe our experiences, not the other way around - you don’t need to worry too much about if you’re “ace enough,” if that makes any sense. you're allowed to just try it out and think of yourself that way for awhile and see if it feels good and makes you feel more right with the world. a lot of ace people go thru TONS of different labels - i was bisexual, demisexual, a lesbian, a bunch of stuff. so don’t feel like you have to pick one and stick to it.

one of the things about asexuality is that it’s really hard to confirm the ABSENCE of something (which is why a lot of ace people wind up IDing as bi at first - in both cases it’s a situation of feeling the same about every gender, it’s just the switch being flipped “on” or “off” - also please read that post i think it would rly help u). it’s also easy to mix up sexual attraction and libido, and for a lot of people, especially afab people/people with periods, both can fluctuate with both the time of month and your age. so you don’t have to have a clear-cut “ugh NO thanks” reaction or total disinterest in sex/finding other people sexy to “count” as ace. neutrality or ambivalence totally “counts” too (the ace community even coined special terms for people who are sex neutral vs repulsed vs favorable), even having sexual attraction one every other month when the weather is right or having a list of exception “counts” because there are SO many ways to be asexual, it really is such a massive spectrum!!! and aces are the last people who are gonna be gatekeepy about it lol

i don’t personally care for microlabels, i don’t even use the split attraction model because i find the sheer amount of jargon overwhelming/exhausting and difficult to explain to the general population, but reading through the list of them (this list also explains some split attraction model terms) gives you an idea of sheer number of different ways people experience asexuality and attraction to others. it’s part of why i love being asexual, because even if we tend to overthink things, we’re a group of people who are willing to tackle the norms of sex/romance/etc and talk about the different ways those feelings have us interacting with the world. my point is at some point almost every ace person has gone “does that even COUNT as ace?” so like if you’re asking the question imo that’s one of the most asexual things you can do lol <3

anyway, that’s it!! like i said, you don’t have to memorize that whole vocabulary list up there, i personally find the sheer amount of jargon to be too much, BUT i think it’s good to know that there are a lot of ways to “fit” into that ace box. so if it’s a useful label for you and it helps you communicate how you feel to other people more easily, Thats The One, yk? i hope you got at least a little something helpful out of the rambling. ur always welcome to write back if u ever want to talk <3

#liz answers asks #anonymous #asexuality #long post #sorry this was so long!!!#idk i had a rough go of it when i was a teenager and it matters a lot to me to do what i can so other people don’t feel that way #i'm not like the Ultimate source of wisdom or anything

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crimsonhcadache · 3 years

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- ̗̀ NOW INTRODUCING: IVES ❝ IVY ❞ SERRANO !

( DANNA PAOLA, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER, SCORPIO, 24 ) I just spotted IVES “IVY” SERRANO at the beach today. Don’t you know them? They live down by the TOWERS and usually hang out with the RICH KIDS & MUSICIANS cliques. From what I’ve heard, they can be DECEITFUL, but they’re also ADAPTIVE. I always think of them when i hear LAST LAUGH - FLETCHER and tend to associate them with STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE, A FRESH SET OF STILETTO NAILS, AND RED LINGERIE. ( tay, she/her, 22, est )

full name: natalie rose serrano ives serrano nicknames: ivy, poison ivy faceclaim: danna paola voiceclaim: lana del rey birthday: november 1st, 1996 zodiac: scorpio sun, aries moon, gemini rising sexuality: bisexual occupation: influencer, instagram model, musician, scammer / thief positive traits: effervescent, bold, creative, charismatic, coquettish, intuitive, ambitious, alluring, adventurous, perceptive negative traits: cantankerous, deceitful, envious, manipulative, dramatic, stubborn, narcissistic, materialistic, reckless, quick-tempered character inspos: maddy perez euphoria, jackie burkhart that 70’s show, blair waldorf gossip girl, margo hanson the magicians, every lana del rey song ever, lucrecia montesinos and cayetana pando elite, rosa diaz brooklyn nine nine, the entire rose family schitts creek, jen harding dead to me

- ̗̀♡ — › background !

the main thing u need to know about ivy is that she is lying ! always !! her real name isn’t even actually ivy smh

she was born NATALIE ROSE SERRANO, to two working class parents in new york city. she knew from a young age that she was just supposed to be rich and famous, and that something had gotten mixed up somewhere and she was put in the wrong life.

in high school she got a scholarship to a fancy private catholic school, and that’s where she started to hone her craft of manipulating rich people. she would befriend all of the richest bitches at school and take advantage of everything that came along with it: vacations to far away places, stays in the family’s cabins and lake houses, even designer clothes that her friends no longer wanted and would gift to her, thinking it was their idea all along

as she grew up and got better at getting what she wanted out of people, her entitled attitude only got worse, driving a wedge between her and her parents, who kept waiting for her to develop a work ethic and kept being disappointed. a few months after she graduated high school, on her 18th birthday, her parents kicked her out of the house and cut her off, hoping that it would force her to grow up and take on any responsibility

but that plan backfired for them, her parents underestimating how truly stubborn natalie was. the day after her 18th, she wandered into a local strip club and got a job, figuring it’d be the easiest and quickest way to get some cash, and she took to it naturally and actually really enjoyed stripping

she started to embody an entirely new persona that she had created for herself, dancing under the name POISON IVY and telling everyone she was a trust fund baby that had been cut off from her rich parents, needing to dance to supplement her income, and her lies just continued to spiral out of control until she almost started to believe it herself. she had never told anyone at the club her real name, not even the other strippers, just going by “ivy” for a while.

she had learned to weaponize the power she had over people by being pretty and charming, using her looks for absolute evil and doing whatever it took to get money—from straight up pickpocketing, to making men buy her expensive gifts, to blackmailing, to sugar babying, to getting patrons wasted and manipulating them into tipping her absurd amounts… she did it all, very quickly earning enough to live the life she had always dreamed of, that she felt she deserved for whatever twisted reason.

she started posting on instagram with the name poison ivy generally just flaunting her carefree, extravagant life, often exaggerating or down right lying just to really dazzle her quickly growing audience

as she started to go down the influencer route, she realized she needed to do something to hide the skeletons in her closet ( the fact that she didn’t actually come from money and was making far more than was normal for even the best of dancers, a couple of small possession / shoplifting charges, and just generally anything that could lead people to her real identity ) so she started to tell people her name was ives, fully taking on the new identity. she even went so far as to make some of the people that had been closest to her sign NDAs about her real identity, making sure that no one could sell info about her should her plan of being famous work out

she also moved out to california to run away from everyone in the city that was starting to catch on to what she was doing, basically doing all the same shit but now in a New Place.. this was about 3-4 years ago, so she’s been in sunhollow for a while now doing the whole influencer thing !!

and it did work out !! at first she was definitely buying followers/likes to boost her likelihood of brand sponsorships, but eventually she faked it until she made it and actually attained influencer status. she then used her newfound internet fame ( and some classic blackmailing ) to get herself a record deal

she also started sleeping around with pretty much any famous person she could, having very public relationships and breakups and scandals to keep her name in the press, which ultimately lead to more exposure/people following her, if only to see what she did next, which lead to even more sponsorships

eventually she stopped dancing and just focused on her influencing and more recently ( like... less than 6 months ago recently ) her music career. but she never stopped sugar babying and scamming rich stupid men, still very much using that as a means to keep up her lifestyle. she’s also done a few modeling things, but it’s mostly just like catalog work or being the face of a trendy campaign bc she’s way too short for the runway

she also recently made an only fans account bc she was bored one night and was mostly planning on posting once as a joke but then she made a bunch of money / got a bunch of subscribers and was like oh word ? i can do that ! so she will post on there from time to time but she’s not like… super serious about it ya know ? also her music label is big mad at her for it bc they’re like bUt yOuR rEpUtAtIoN and she’s like yeah.. but my bank account ? also it’s no secret she used to be a stripper so she rly just.. doesn’t give a fuck !

so basically she’s jus here making money being pretty and pulling a long ass scam on… everyone

- ̗̀♡ — › personality / headcannons !

she’s a real two faced bitch… she has perfected the art of becoming whoever she thinks other people want her to be, quickly adapting her personality to get whatever she wants

she’s usually pretty friendly actually, really charming and outgoing and just trying to have a good time

she has a pretty short temper tho and holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, so once you’re on her bad side… good luck lol she is so ruthless

she’s like… deeply, deeply selfish and will always put herself first, but she’s so manipulative that she can make people do things that they think are their idea, but it’s really just something she planted in their head so it’s not always obvious

also very spoiled and will throw a mf fit if she doesn’t get her way or u say no to her

always going out !! always doing the most !! she’s the type to show up randomly at ur door at 8pm on a tuesday with a bottle of tequila and make u party with her whether u like it or not

she’s a lot smarter than she lets on sometimes, like she knows people expect her to be stupid and ditzy and shallow and she’ll let them underestimate her when it’s beneficial

always looks perfectly put together— her nails are always meticulously manicured, usually w stiletto shaped acrylics, and you’ll literally never see her outside her house without makeup and a perfectly composed outfit. it’s also a rare occasion that she’s not wearing at least six inch heels, trying to make up for bein so mf short ( she’s 5’3 )

she talks A Lot but is really good at saying a lot of words without actually saying anything, like you can be best friends with her for months and then just be like “i don’t actually know a single thing about her”

always up to no good and sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong !! she’s always got some sort of scheme going or getting in to some kind of drama

v much a hoe and v much proud of it, will sleep w just about anyone especially if she can get something out of it

also a serial dater !! she’s always hoping in and out of relationships and being rumored to be with a dozen people at once

most definitely calls paparazzi on herself, especially when she’s around other famous ppl but will never admit it

compulsive liar, she will literally lie about the dumbest things like she doesn’t even need a reason to lie she jus.. does

she has a luxury two bedroom apartment that she lives alone in ( one room is kinda a guest room but also mostly just a giant closet ) in the towers and the gag is she doesn’t even know how much her rent is bc one of her random sugar daddies pays her rent.. her power tbh

- ̗̀♡ — › wanted connections !

hookups / flings / one night stands / fwbs all that shit !!

exes on bad terms … gimme drama pls

enemies / ppl she’s stolen from maybe… she would definitely deny it and say they’re jus jealous of her or smth stupid but that could make the feud worse

party pals !! like i said she goes out a lot and always somehow manages to make new friends and drag them into her shenanigans

on again / off again exes… i want the Angst so bad..

shallow friendships / influencer friends like they play it up a lot for insta bc they both have a pretty big following but they dont really... like each other that much ?? like they definitely seem to be a lot closer than they really are

pr relationships this could be past or present !! in the same vein as the last one except they pretend to date ( or maybe just act like they’re gonna date but never actually do ?? like to fuel rumors )

unlikely friends !! like ppl who are nice and sweet and Pure, she could use a lil good energy in her life

situationship / flirtationship like they’re super flirty and maybe hook up a couple times but everyone assumes they’re dating or like gonna date but they’re jus vibing. bonus points if one or both of them actually has feelings but can’t tell if they’re just friends / casually hooking up or if it could turn into something more.. im a slut for some mutual pining !!

neighbors … mb they hate her for always being loud n throwing mini parties OR maybe they join in

mean girl rivalries !!

someone she’s taking advantage of / stealing from without them knowing .. oof

partner in crime !!!

one sided crushes or like someone she’s stringing along smh

sugar daddies mb 😇

someone to put her in her mf place JDKDKD like they call her out on her bs and are like “i see what ur doing bitch stay away from my friends” type thing

idk anything really !! gimme all the messy plots ok :~)

#hqclique.intro #this is so long i jus have so much to say abt my favorite evil demon <3 #now to do mickeys .. which requires sm more rewriting .... pray for me #♡ — 𝐢𝐯𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐨 › 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 .

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blukrown · 4 years

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Not Meant To Be - Chapter 6

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

Also available on AO3

WARNING! This fic contains: blood/violence, torture & implied/reference sexual assault

If any of these upset you, please do not read!

Conflicting Notions

Blood covered Faris' hands and his chest heaved. He could feel his body shaking from adrenaline as he looked transfixed at the mess that covered his hands. Even with the cheers of the Colosseum crowd, his heartbeat was deafening in his ears. Thumping as he looked down to the ground before him.

A man lay limp at his feet. Curled up with both hands clutching onto the sword that still stuck out from his side.

Dead.

"No . . ." Faris gasped, taking a step back in the sand. "I'm not supposed to be here. N-No I don't-"

Turning around to run, he felt chains hold him still. The echoes of the dungeons in the colosseum filled with wails, pleas and moans of the innocent slaves.

Faris' nose stung of piss and blood making him want to hurl. He was stopped from gagging when a sting so harsh he fell to his knees whipped his back.

Laughter resonated in his ears as the crack and sting of whipping soon left his back warm with his own blood.

"P-Please," Faris moaned, his body shaking in fear. "I d-don't belong here." Shutting his eyes as tight as he could, he prayed to any god, goddess or deity to free him.

The pain stopped but when Faris opened his eyes he wasn't in heaven. But in hell.

Dark and tinted orange by candlelight, floor covered in pillows while the walls were draped with curtains. And a stench of smoke and alcohol made his nose wrinkle. The whorehouse brought a look of sheer horror to Faris' features.

A hand touched his shoulder, roving down his chest and caressing his pectorals. Another followed, combing through his dreads and tugging harshly on the strands.

"S-Stop it!" Faris objected, turning to look at his assailant but only saw dark walls.

Another disembodied hand touched the small of his back, eagerly travelling to touch his rear and-

"Fuck!" Faris swore as he tried to move his arms but felt two strong hands clench his wrists to restrain him. "Don't touch me! Don't you dare!" Faris belowed, fear coating his words.

The hand in his hair pulled harder, making Faris' head sting. What felt like claws grazed along his scalp as fingers tucked under the waistband of his trousers.

"I don't belong here!" Faris declared, trying to look around. But all he saw were the whorehouse walls, seeming to enclose him in the already claustrophobic space.

"T-Teb," Faris whimpered, losing much of his will to fight. "Where are you?!"

He was scared. Horrified. He was like a little deer, shaking in the cold winter with no doe of a mother to care for him. He was a shell of a man. Numb to the whips, the hands and the blood.

"P-please," Faris implored, as he closed his eyes as tight as he could. "T-Tebanam."

"FARIS!" Tebanam shouted, hands clutching at the other man's arms to shake him from his disturbing dream. "WAKE UP, DAMMIT!"

Faris' eyes flashed open as he bolted upright. His lungs gasping for air as he darted his head to look at his surroundings. His skin was cool with cold sweat while his bones felt as jittery as a leaf.

Tebanam, only a shadow in the darkroom took him into a hug. Squeezing Faris as close to him as he could.

"Shhh," Tebanam hushed him. One hand holding the back of Faris' head. "It's ok. It's ok. You're not there anymore. You're here with me."

"N-No," Faris' voice shook as his eyes still tried to look at his surroundings. As if, at any second, they could change back to the whorehouse or colosseum dungeon. "I-I'm not I was . . . I was w-with them and-"

"It was a nightmare, Faris." Tebanam persisted, rocking the horrified man in his arms. "You are far, far away from Al-Daida."

"Y-You're wrong," Faris objected, shaking his head. "I'm a b-brute, a monster, a who-"

"Shut up," Tebanam ordered, squeezing tighter - if that were possible-. "No you're not. You're Faris. You're my love." His voice was shaky, clearly off put by seeing Faris so fear-stricken. "You are none of those things. You are a kind and loving man. W-Who is safe and l-loved." The prince's voice shook on the last words, as his resolution choked at the sight of Faris continuing fright.

Faris didn't try to protest anymore. Shivering in his partner's arms until soon, his stiffened body softened. Letting the warmth of Tebanam's embrace consume him, he felt tears well up in his eyes. For the first time in over a year, Faris cried.

Tebanam didn't say a word, only held him close and kissed him until the sorrowful man soon nodded off to sleep.

"Prince Tebanam!" A loud knock echoed past the bedroom door as a servant's voice called for Tebanam's attention.

"Yes?" The man called in a groan.

"Your highness and . . . Faris have been asked to visit Princess Kanisa for lunch." The voice said, pausing as if to ponder just what to call Tebanam's lover. "She asked for you both to be by her quarters in an hour."

"Thank you." Tebanam responded, waiting for the footsteps to grow faint before looking down to where Faris still lay.

Faris had his eyes shut tightly, as if trying to hold onto the ever so slight chance he could return to sleep. He had managed one proper hour but otherwise, the rest of the night passed in a sort of half-unconscious sleep, where he would faintly feel his mind doze off before a flash of a crowded coliseum, crack of a whip, or the sinister smell of the incense lord Siek had liked before snapping back into dream-riddled reality.

When the bodyguard finally went to open his eyes, he looked up to Tebanam. Faris only needed to give him a glance to know the prince had had even worse luck with sleeping than him. Dark shadows hung under his eyes, clearly visible through the bright light emitting from the curtained window.

The prince was sitting up, book in his lap and back resting on the bed's headboard. When Faris looked to the paperback in his lover's fingers, he noticed he was already three-fourths through the rather thickly paged novel. If he recalled correctly, Tebanam had only just started the book the night before, only finishing a few chapters before having abandoned it for sleep. Clearly, he had been reading all night.

"I'm sorry," Faris muttered, scooting over to rest his head in Tebanam's lap.

"What for, dear?" Tebanam asked, tenderly stroking the side of Faris' face.

"For keeping you awake. You didn't sleep at all after my . . . nightmare, did you?"

Tebanam was silent, whether thinking or still concentrating on his book, Faris couldn't tell. "No need to apologise. I've never been good at falling back asleep anyway."

But still, Faris thought, guilt still weighing in his chest.

"Anyhow, I can just go to sleep early tonight to make up for it." Tebanam said, trying to cheer Faris up. "Besides, we have to get ready to see Kanni."

"What do you think she wants to talk about?" Faris asked, sitting up to allow the prince to get out of bed.

Tebanam let out a chuckle. "She doesn't need a reason, Faris. She's my sister. It's honestly about time we sat down and talked properly. Hopefully, we'll get to see the kids too."

Faris supposed he was right, one didn't need a reason to want to see family. But it wasn't like he knew better. The term family was something that was still very foreign to the man. Especially considering where Faris had come from.

The bodyguard could not help but think of Tebanam's family, how warm and considerate they all were. The Dragmire family was also a tight unit and would very clearly tear the world apart for each other. Faris felt hopeful when he found himself watching Tebanam get ready. His mind wondered if he and Tebanam, if all went well, could create something like that. Create a family. Maybe even with a kid or two. Even with how raw his chest stung from recent events - not to mention the horror of that dream - the concept of Tebanam and him growing old together, happy and content, eased Faris like not many things could.

"Faris?" Tebanam called out, dragging his partner out of his still sleep-ridden stupor. "What's the matter?"

"What?" Faris mumbled, suddenly alert, blinking as he realised that Tebanam was now fully dressed and waiting for Faris to follow suit. "Oh . . . Sorry."

Getting up, Faris caught the look of worry that flashed in the prince's eyes as he watched him get ready.

"You know we could say 'no' to Kanni's invite," Tebanam said firmly, watching Faris pull on a white tunic.

Faris could not help but smile. Even if he dreaded leaving the safety and quiet of their quarters, he knew it was the best for both of them. Even if there was discomfort in the thought of talking to people so important yet so unfamiliar.

"I'll be fine, Tebanam," Faris said, resting a hand on his partner's shoulder as if he was the one that needed comforting. "Besides, I'm sure you miss her. You only managed to talk to her a little bit yesterday, right?"

"I suppose . . ." Tebanam muttered, giving Faris a hand as he climbed into the rather tight-fitting trousers. "But if you want to come back here at any moment, just say. It's practically all I can do for you while we hunt down the bastard who let word spread."

"Thank you, Tebanam," Faris said, turning to wrap his arms around his prince's neck and giving him a quick kiss. Now more than ever, he had to make sure Tebanam knew just how thankful he was to be here with him.

Even with the mere twenty paces from their bedchamber door, Faris was grateful this part of Hyrule castle was deserted apart from the skittering of a single servant moving from a distant royal chamber. At the very least, he would not have to deal with hearing the horrible remarks of the other occupants of the castle. He only just had to deal with Tebanam's sister. Easy right?

Well, at first, it was indeed easy.

Kanisa had welcomed the couple into her quarters like they were entering her very own home. Offering them tea and a snack from the assorted platter of baked sweets surely brought up to satiate the growing hunger of her two children.

Kanisa's bedroom quarters was like a mirror image of Tebanam's. Except while the younger brother's windows faced the morning sun, Kanisa's faced the beautiful garden of the castle two floors below. Without even going to see through the glass, Faris could see the tops of high hedges, well-trimmed vines and flower beds full of colourful petals. The only other difference was that there was two doors that connected to the bedroom, one to a bathroom and - from Faris' guess - the children's room.

The sister Kanisa was beautiful, Faris knew that much. Although taller, tanner and carrying much of her Gerudo father in her, the princess's true beauty came from her mother. She had the queen's fine features and kind smile that would have surely been the splitting image of her mother when she was her age. She also had the grace of the queen. She glided more than she walked, spoke kindly but not frivolously and knew the perfect amount of strictness and praise to keep the children from harassing their guests too much. Although that did soon backfire.

Kanisa had clearly invited Tebanam and Faris for the purpose of properly catching up with her brother in addition to acquainting herself with her brother's lover. But no less than ten minutes after first entering, Tebanam had been dragged into a game of knights and dragons with Kanisa's children, Kerugan and Audlin.

Both too young to comprehend or pronounce their uncle's full first name, Audlin called him Teddy, while Kerugan - only a year or two older than Audlin by the looks - felt too dignified to call him by such a baby-like name, as he proudly pointed out, and called him Uncle Teb instead.

Faris, who had worried that since he had never really talked to a child before, had been struck with the horrible realisation that, if the children did not like him, then Kanisa would surely follow? But, thankfully, those fears were soon dashed away. As, after only a few minutes of ogling and invasive yet innocent questions, the two kids were grinning at Faris as much as they did their uncle.

Audlin, who still could not quite enunciate 's' excitedly called him Fairy, with delighted giggles. While the mature acting Kerugan went with Uncle Faris. Although the gesture was small, Faris felt a faint smile warming his face at the nicknames they had given him. The children were so adorable, in fact, that Faris was almost completely fine with Tebanam obeying his niece and nephews demands to play with them. The sight of which made Faris' chest wriggle with a deep sense of love for the man as the prince made the children guffaw with laughter. The only negative to this being now Faris was stuck alone with Kanisa and her surly looking husband, Vidar.

Kanisa, well-trained in the matters of polite conversation, had asked about how Faris was and how he was managing living in the castle - as if this question had not been asked by everyone since he arrived.

Tebanam had let out a playful rawr as his designated role of the dragon and Kerugan foolishly jumped to protect his little sister only to be swiped up in his uncle's strong arms in an act of kidnap. The Fairy Princess Warrior Emperess Audlin had a small thin wooden sword in her hand and she ordered the nasty monster to let go of her big brother or else.

Kanisa was just starting to ask Faris if they had considered traveling towards Uskar when the 'or else' revealed itself to be Audlin whaking Tebanam's shines with her mock sword until Tebanam fell to his knees.

"Kanni! Fairy Princess - ouch - Warrior - Ow! - Audlin is so - oow - cruel!" Tebanam fake sobbed, still holding the wriggling Kerugan above his head so as the child would not be hit by his sister's furious swipes.

Kanisa had given Faris an apologetic look before getting to her feet to help her brother. The mother scolded her daughter for playing too rough, her son for laughing at it and then at her brother for encouraging them. But this did not spoil the fun, as a matter of fact, since Kanisa soon became the new damsel in distress as Audlin said Tebanam was too powerful even for her, so she needed her brother's help.

In spite of how greatly bemusing it was to see Tebanam laughing hedonistically as he buried Kanisa in a pile of the children's soft toys, Faris soon realised he was not alone. Vidar, who had been silent while Kanisa had talked to Faris, still sat in his chair. And, although for a moment, the two men had quietly smiled over their respective partners, Vidar broke his stoic silence.

"I heard those rumours." Vidar said curtly, a hint of an accent in his voice.

Faris stiffened immediately. Taking his eyes away from the heartwarming scene at the other side of the room. And, for the first time, Faris properly looked at Vidar.

With blue-ish skin, dark thick hair in a braid, he most definitely looked like a man from a world very far from the room he sat in. He, like Faris, was covered with scars of a life of fighting. But the bodyguard noted how they were different from his. Mainly of wild animals and other horrible beasts of the northern world, Faris had heard, unlike the man-made swords and knives that marked Faris' forearms and whip slashes in his back. Even so, the man was clearly a warrior, with the heavy muscles that bulge in his Hyrulian tunic and worn, callous covered hands. Although intimidating, Faris had to admit that Vidar was also a good-looking man, even with the slight frown furrowing his brow and prettily embroidered eyepatch - surely made by his wife - covering his right eye.

Faris did not reply to Vidar's words, too shocked to speak but also feeling cautious. He had learned in these past few days to be wary, especially now that there was someone who was spreading his secrets.

Vidar did not seem to need Faris to speak. The sentence appeared to be more of a way to get his full attention rather than to insult or tease him. As he then furthered, "I know it is not anything like what is said about you but I went through very much the same."

Vidar paused to scratch as his well kept beard, and Faris' slight frown was all he gave him. So the Uskarian continued.

"I met Kanisa on the first diplomatic visit of Uskar to Hyrule. We kept our . . . relationship a secret at first. But when I returned and soon took their dear princess away to Uskar, the people of Hyrule made up all kinds of rumours. I was called a rapist, a barbarian, a beast. They believed I had seduced, stole or even kidnapped Kanisa and held her for ransom."

Vidar's body did not betray his anger apart from the deep set frown that adorned his face. "My first time returning back to Hyrule after marrying Kanni and having Kerugan . . . It was awful. I did not fear them but I definitely watched my back at each turn, as if I might do something wrong, more horrible accusations would be made. I can only be thankful those same whispers weren't about Kerugan. They just believed him to be an innocent baby born of . . ." Vidar paused as his lips clenched together in disgust.

Faris, hoping to not force the man into saying anything he didn't want to, spoke. "Then . . . How did they change? I've only heard great things about you."

Vidar smiled for the first time, it suited him much better than the curt look he had shown since they arrived. "Time, mostly. But it helped to have Zarazu."

Faris recalled that Zarazu, Covarog's wife and the future queen of Hyrule, was born outside of the Hyrule realm too. Once an island full of magic, calamity had struck and had forced the already small population of Lorleidians into refuge in Hyrule. A bunch of magic users and dragon tamers, now that Faris thought about it, would have surely been a horrifying sight for the dignified council members of Hyrule.

"As the future queen and mother of Coverog's children, she fought for the first few years to ensure the refuges, both Lorleidians and others were welcomed and treated as fairly as any Hyrulian."

"Just like that?" Faris asked confusedly.

Vidar let out a huff of a laugh, "No, nothing that simple. Although having the queen and Ralnor is a huge help, most of it comes from proving doubters wrong."

Faris did not seem satisfied with this explanation. In fact, the bodyguard frowned. This very same notion had been offered up by Queen Zelda but . . .

"How can I prove I'm not a slave . . . When they are right?" Faris asked. It was the first time he had asked the question that had been poisoning his mind for hours.

Vidar frowned at this. "Are you saying you're still a barbarian then?" "What?" "And a murderer? And a slave? And a whore? Are you still those things?"

Hearing the words from a near-to-almost stranger made Faris extremely uncomfortable but he understood Vidar's point.

No, he wasn't anymore. He was a free man. Not just that but a bodyguard to a prince and a lover to that very same man. He was someone who had become a better and a more whole person since those days before Tebanam had freed him.

"N-No," Faris admitted. Looking to the teacups that sat abandoned in their saucers on the table they sat at. The dregs cold yet still making small waves in the cups from the trundling of children's feet nearby.

"Then how are they true?" Vidar asked. Looking right into Faris' eyes when he braved a look at the man. "If you're not any of those things, then prove it."

Faris opened his mouth to question Vidar's logic only to be reminded that, out of all the people who had told him this fact, the Uskarian man was the only one who had actually experienced it.

"How . . . ?" Faris asked hollowly.

How could one prove a negative? When for all tense and purposes, they were true. Faris was disheartened to realise that Vidar had lowered his spirits more than he had raised them.

"It is . . . A grueling task, I have to admit. If it was a fight, I, or you, or Zarazu could easily win it but . . . Living and being with royalty is a fight very different from anything else. Although us partners don't carry the weight of the realm on our shoulders, they do."

Vidar let his eyes drift to look at his wife. Mouth clenched shut and eyes closed, the princess was shaking with repressed laughter as she pretended to be in a deep sleep. Audlin, now the evil witch, had made the pretty damsel fall into a deep sleep and only the brave Kerugan could save her. Tebanam, meanwhile watched, clearly a prisoner that the witch would deal with later.

"Anything we do, whether good or bad reflects back on the family. And endangers or aids them. Whether big or small. It is a reality we have to accept if we want to be with a princess or prince."

Faris was silent. Unsure what to say.

Looking to Tebanam, who cheered for Kerugan as the child defied the evil witch of a sister, he found himself torn.

Faris was in love with the man. The kind, energetic adventurer he had met that hot day in the colosseum dungeons in Al-Daida. The man who had freed him from his masters and promised food, clothing and shelter for only his sword and knowledge of the local culture. The man who had treated him as an equal, a companion and later a lover.

Faris realised that he was not exactly sure if he was in love with the prince. And the thought made him uneasy.

The fact that Tebanam was a prince was, indeed, shocking at first but, Faris might not have completely comprehended what that meant. He had an image of a bright gold crown and matching throne, with mountains of the finest of fabrics, shiniest of treasures and sweetest of delicacies. He had never much wondered or asked about what that life may actually entail.

"What I'm trying to say," Vidar said, his voice calling Faris to look back at him. "Is that . . . Although it's bad now, it will get better. If you are a good and free man, who loves Tebanam, then those rumours will die down. Keep being the man you know you are and people will realise they were wrong . . . or at least not talk against you. It is hard, and . . . tolling at times but," Vidar's eyes flickered again to Kanisa and his two children. "But it is worth it. Every second of it."

Tebanam's laughter was then loud, sounding like the sweetest of music to Faris' ears.

"So don't give up."

Tebanam landed on the ground flat on his ass for the second time that afternoon. Yelping as his tailbone hit the ungiving earth of the training grounds.

The sky was a faint orange, the sun a few hours from vanishing over the castle walls. The area for knights and guardsmen had been vacated as most were still on shift or busy eating dinner. Leaving the sound of two men huffing and puffing to be the only noise apart from the whistling of summer wind through the single tree in the area.

Tebanam, rubbing his backside, was soon covered by shadow as Jazoh stood above him.

Sweat glistened on the nobleman's forehead yet he did not show any sign of being out of breath.

Tebanam let out a sigh. "I'm sorry I'm not much of a challenge for you." A wry smile playing at his lips.

"Not at all," Jazoh smiled back, "I'm just happy you volunteered."

Tebanam snorted, "I volunteered to vent out my anger. Not get my ass handed to me."

"Then why didn't you ask your bodyguard to spar with you then?" Jazoh offered, extending his hand to pull his companion up.

Tebanam ignored the odd choice of word as he took his friend's hand to get to his feet. "Speaking of which, I really should've invited Faris along. At least then you would've had a worthy opponent."

Jazoh frowned slightly as he let go of the prince's hand. "Then why didn't you?" His voice was cold as he turned around to pick up Tebanam's sword, a falchion.

"Well . . . He's been going through a lot at the moment." The Gerudo prince remarked as he took the sword from Jazoh's hand. "He was pretty tired from playing with Kanisa's kids and I don't think he likes the idea of leaving our area of the castle. You know . . . With all the rumours and secrets flying around." There was then Faris' face when Tebanam had come over to him and Vidar at the table, how confused and troubled his eyes were when he looked at him. But he would not tell Jazoh that.

"But that's it, Tebanam." Jazoh said flatly, his eyes not on him but looking at his wooden sword. "They're just rumours. It's the only thing the servants have to do really. Gossip and make up stories."

"But still," Tebanam muttered, frowning as he warily watched his friend. "Those things really hurt him. It's been so long since I've seen him that upset . . . It's honestly taking all my strength not to punch the next person I hear talking about him." The prince squeezed his hands around the handle of his sword, remembering just how shaken his love had been that very morning. It scared him a little, to think a man so strong could become so scared.

Jazoh let out a huff, "Punching is for stableboys and knights who drop their swords." He brandished his mock weapon aloft. "You are a prince. Just say the word and you could get rid of all of them."

Tebanam should be surprised by Jazoh's threatening words but he knew better. He did not mean kill them, just punish or confront. A younger Tebanam might even agree with him. Yet, he felt uncomfortable with his friend's idea of stopping the whispers. Enough so for him to end the conversation.

"Another round, then?" Tebanam asked as he eyed the sword the nobleman clutched in his hand. "Go easy on me?"

Jazoh gave a handsome smile that wrinkled the beauty spot under his eye. "Oh my dear Tebanam, you told me to never go easy on you, why should I start now?"

"Because my ass hurts and I've already been brutalized by my niece."

Jazoh let out an airy chuckle, "Audlin?"

Tebanam let out a laugh too, "Yeah, how about you teach her a few tricks?"

"Tempting," Jazoh remarked with a look of consideration, "Then again, I'd have to get past that father of hers."

"True," The prince agreed, "Although, I have a feeling Vidar would happily have his kids taught by you."

"In any case," Jazoh said, breaking conversation. "Shall we begin?"

"Lets."

Just as the words left Tebanam's mouth, the shorter man striked. His thin rapier blade jumped out to hit Tebanam in the chest to only, by the last second, be blocked by the back of Tebanam's sword. The clunk was loud in the empty grounds as Tebanam used his strength to parry the frail sword away. Sadly, his reflexes were nothing like Faris'. Who would be in for the attack as soon as the Hyrulians' guard was down. Instead, Tebanam had taken too long to move, giving the expert swordsman time to find his balance and fix his stance.

"Not bad . . ." Jazoh muttered, looking over Tebanam's form. "I can tell you've had practice. You're definitely stronger." The Hyrulian then rolled his right shoulder, the one that had felt the full blow of Tebanam's parry.

The Gerudo grinned, proud to hear Jazoh's hint of surprise. "I have travelling to thank for that. Carrying all my things on my back every day turns out to be a really good way to gain muscles. Well . . . That and fighting off thieves and monsters and so on."

"Don't get too cocky, Tebanam." The nobleman said sternly. "I don't want to go wounding this new pride of yours."

"Oh please," The prince laughed, "I've still got a few tricks up my-"

His opponent was suddenly gone.

Taking a stride much bigger than one for his size, the man moved to Tebanam's left.

"Shit!"

With his sword not in position to block - as he had stupidly let down his guard to quip at him - Tebanam had no way to stop the sword from slicing him half open. So all he could do was dodge the surely painful swipe from the would-be blade. Feeling the faint whoosh as the sword cut through the air where Tebanam had previously been.

Jazoh, expecting a definite hit, had not been ready for the unexpected swerve out of reach and followed through. His sword going past his front to swing around to his side.

This was his chance.

Taking the needed two strides to reach him, Tebanam took it in one. Pulling back the wide-bladed wooden sword to cut at Jazoh's weak point.

But just when Tebanam's first win against his ex-sword teacher flashed before his eyes, it was gone.

His blade had been stopped.

Not by the expected clothed side of the nobleman but rather the slender blade of the Hyrulian's rapier. The sleeves of his freshly pressed tunic rolled up neatly to his elbow, Jazoh's thin yet defined pale arms jittered slightly under the impact of the larger man's cut. But he held steady.

Tebanam knew, then, that winning by brains was impossible. He had never outsmarted the man, both in sword and in wit, ever since they were boys. But Tebanam had something he didn't have last time.

The muscles of the prince's arms ached from the previous fights but he demanded them to hold. Pushing his fake falchion against the rapier, the thin sword shook under the newfound strength. Tebanam could see the man sweating, gritting his teeth as he tried to hold his ground. But Jazoh's grip on the blade was weakening. By the second, both hilts shook as the smaller man strained to keep the prince's blade from going any closer to his yet unhit body.

Tebanam, perhaps too hopeful at attaining his first win at last, forgot a simple lesson.

When it came down to strength, committing to pushing the opponent down to submission only worked when done quickly. At this rate, Jazoh would find a way to escape-

Just as the thought came to mind, the force that had once been pushing back against his falchion was gone.

Jazoh had released the weakened block and as quick as ever, moved out of Tebanam's way. What with the prince's weight and stance leaning heavily forward, the Gerudo found himself falling forwards.

Quickly, he ducked his head and Tebanam had just enough time to tuck his body down and roll on the ground. Nonetheless, he only had a moment to get back on his feet before Jazoh was onto him once more.

The nobleman knew that anymore moves that challenged Tebanam's sheer strength would result in his loss. For that reason, Jazoh went with a barrage.

Leading with the blunt end of his slender sword, the Hyrulian swordsman tried to poke right past Tebanam's guard to hit him in the chest. And the prince's only saving grace was that the width of the side of his blade was enough to hinder the individual jabs. The falchion, however, did not stop the opponent from nearing and forcing Tebanam to retreat with each painful looking thrust.

While Tebanam was focused on blocking each of the well intentioned hits, Jazoh was taking it all in his stride. Even beginning to talk to the prince as the air still filled the clunking, whacking and thumping of the two swords clashing.

"Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I wasn't sent away." Even with the din of the barrage, Jazoh's voice was clear.

It took all of Tebanam's effort to listen to the man while still keeping his focus. But even with his brain frantically instructing his arms and legs to react to each trying jab, his mind still questioned why Jazoh was talking about such a topic so suddenly. The prince could only think that this was one of his friend's backhanded tactics, just like the swipe at Faris' legs and the kick of sand he had seen just two days prior.

Hoping to use this same trick against him, Tebanam indulged in the conversation. Even as his feet still took cautious steps backwards.

"No, I haven't really thought about it," Tebanam said gruffly, blocking a particularly energetic cut near his shoulder.

"Would it be rude for me to say I did?"

"No . . . Especially from how hard your life would've been on that farm, I wouldn't blame you for wondering."

"Well, if you don't mind me saying, I believed-" Jazoh paused.

Tebanam had taken a lucky chance to parry when he caught sight of a weaker strike. This had turned out to be a faint and the prince had played right into the nobleman's hands. Jazoh let the parry miss his blade to leave Tebanam unguarded and the wooden rapier's edge at his throat. It looked like only a twig up close but the Gerudo had a feeling that even a needle would be deadly in the experienced hands of Jazoh Spegeil.

"- that we would still be together." Jazoh continued calmly. As if Tebanam had merely interrupted him with a sneeze rather than a try to win the losing spar. "And by that, I mean still in love."

The game had been won. Why Jazoh continued on with this conversation, Tebanam did not know. But he had a feeling that this was his friend's way of finding where they stood.

It worried him to think this may cause Jazoh to feel hurt or upset. But the prince knew it was best to speak clearly and honestly now, or he may as well never speak at all.

"You think so?" Tebanam asked. Letting his sword hang at his side. Indicating that he would yield. "I honestly wouldn't know."

The prince fanned himself, the overexertion of the fight soon leading to a loud thumping of his heart and for the heat of his racing blood to catch up and starting to heaten his skin.

"Why?" Jazo inquired with the slightest of frowns.

"Well," Tebanam began, looking down to his attire.

With most of his clothes having been disposed of when his mother caught sight of the pile of worn and staining clothes he called his closet, the only remnants of the collection he had left were on his person. A worn old pair of shoes that Tebanam had implored his queen mother to leave only after explaining how new shoes would bring blisters and calluses before fitting, and thick heartily-sewn trousers a brown so dark the queen looked over them as new. The tunic he wore was new, however. The fabric so soft and new that Tebanam sweated right through it. The prince had also worn a vest which lay under the shade of the single tree after being abandoned after only a few minutes into sparring.

Walking to the lonely shade of the tree, Jazoh following beside him, Tebanam continued.

"Well, I still wanted to leave. To travel, you know." When under the refuge of the leaf-heavy tree from the hot setting sun, Tebanam pulled the tunic over his head to free his clammy chest to the occasional wind that blessed the grounds. "I always wanted to go. Eventually. You leaving was a catalyst for it. It gave me an excuse to leave and chase my dreams."

Tebanam did not look at his companion. Busying himself with folding the found vest and sweaty tunic into a pile in his lap. He took his time with it, too guilty to look his old friend in the eyes.

Even without looking to Jazoh, he could hear his hurt. Or maybe it was anger? The prince could not tell, as he could only note the flicker in his voice because his words did not indicate much. "And you believe you would leave me here?"

"Well . . . Not for long. I would've visited like I do now. Besides," The Gerudo braved a look at Jazoh, hoping this would give him some sort of comfort. "I would've let you come with me, if you like."

There it was, that furrowed brow again. And the dark, almost cold look in his eyes as he looked at him.

"I don't quite understand." The Spegeil said, raising his head to the castle walls that surrounded all sides. No, he was looking past that. To the world outside of Hyrule castle. Maybe even outside Hyrule itself. "I don't understand what you like about leaving here. I mean . . . What's worth leaving all of this?"

"That's where you're getting confused, Jazoh." Tebanam said, keeping in mind to sound kind as he spoke. "It's nothing about leaving or losing. I'm free out there. With a hood and modest clothing, I'm just a tall stranger in the crowd. A man with just a little more gold in his pocket and just a little more knowledge. And in any case, I gain so much from going out there." Tebanam could not help showing the excitement, remembering just how much of the world he had not yet explored. "There are whole worlds full of history, culture and stories. Although I search to recover the histories of my people, the lands and people I meet along the way teach me so much more than any of the books in the castle's library could ever offer."

The prince had let his eyes trail off. Looking, just like Jazoh had done, over the wall. To the cities, towns, shrines, caves and crypts he had yet to explore. The thought of Faris being there beside him. Protecting him when his idiocy got the better of him, telling him off when his eyes wondered on either men or a useless expensive item, laughing at his jokes and his foolishness, blushing at his compliments and kissing him back when Tebanam kissed him.

When Tebanam looked around, Jazoh was so much closer than before. Or at least he thought he was. A man could surely sit in the middle of them earlier, in the space Jazoh had left between them, now Tebanam could see very well the details of his once lover's face.

He was very good looking, the prince was reminded. With the obvious beauty spot under his eye standing out on his pale, yet faintly freckled face.

A younger Tebanam may have almost swooned at the sight of the mature and cool looking nobleman before him. Now, well, when he saw how close the Hyrulian was he almost jumped out of the way. And by the manner those dark eyes darted between his own to his lips, made uncomfortable goosebumps wriggle up the skin of his arms and neck.

Turning his head, he quickly got to his feet.

"Welp, we uh better get cleaned up then if we don't want to miss dinner." The prince said, trying to feign an air of indifference. As if he didn't notice Jazoh moving in for a kiss. "Will you be joining me in the bath house then?" Tebanam did not look at his companion, not wanting to see whether disappointment or annoyance lingered in those handsome eyes.

Jazoh only needed a moment before replying. "Yes, I suppose we shall. You go on ahead, I'll clean up."

Tebanam had the thought of offering to help or just wait for the Hyrulian to finish but the concept of staying any longer with Jazoh alone made him apprehensive. Especially when he thought about Faris, alone in their quarters. So Tebanam only nodded and made his way out of the training grounds.

Not once looking back.

Jazoh's prince left his shirt and vest behind. Surely so desperate to leave that the striped clothes had slipped his mind. The Spegeil did not mind, however.

He waited until the footsteps of Tebanam were gone before picking up the two pieces of clothing. The vest was a dark blue with gold embroidery around each hole and button. It had suited him very well. With his white tunic and dark pants, short red hair and brandishing his sword in their first of multiple bouts, he looked like the prince he should rightfully be.

Then again, the same design had been worn by that barbarian warrior Tebanam saw fit to call his love. The thought of that man dancing in a blue this shade, with the Hyrule prince in his arms made Jazoh want to rip the very cloth apart. But he knew better.

Tebanam was not stupid enough to forget his clothing.

Laying the vest on his lap, Jazoh took up the tunic.

It was a common nobleman style tunic, of a fine enough fabric it could only be owned by the higher class. The strings that had been untied dangled over the fabric as the nobleman remembered just how handsome the prince looked for the few moments without his shirt on.

Once again, the thought of Faris, getting to see Tebanam in such a way caused a venomous fury to bubble in his chest. And once again, he did not let his hands tear the fabric in his frustration.

Instead, he lifted the sweat infused top to his face and breathed in the scent of it.

Jazoh could not quite explain the scent but whatever it was, it smelled like Tebanam. Not of some musk or perfume or the reek that surely emintated from Faris' diritied pores. No, it smelled just as he remembered.

It was the same as the last time he had detected it. The last time they had embraced.

Foolish teens thrilled with the idea of being heard but never caught, suspected but never seen. Kissing and fondling even as footsteps approached. Adventurous hands and gifted soft moans as a door flew open.

The recollection made him both sad and angry. How foolish he had been.

If he had only tamed his own daring and convinced the prince to not take the risk. Tebanam's bedchamber would have been the headquarters of years of such activity. And yet, they had been caught. And Jazoh was sent away. The last thing of Hyrule he saw was the peak he could see through the carriage window before his father had hit him. It had been of the sun rising on the intimidating build of wood and stone that he would not return to for over five years.

Jazoh could easily recollect what he had thought then.

I'll be back. I'll be back for you.

Even after finding himself back in the mirrored halls and tall walls, Jazoh still had not achieved what he had sworn all those years ago. But not long now. It was only a matter of time.

This fic is based on the Zelgan au by @figmentforms

The Zelgan babies & granbabies, as well as Faris and Jozah, are created by @s-kinnaly and @ridersoftheapocalypse

And special thanks to @ridersoftheapocalypse for writing the main fanfic about Tebanam and Faris, which inspired this fic

As well as @quietpastelcolours for their writings on Vulkar and Kanisa

I highly recommend you look at their content on this to have a better understanding of the story

#zelgan #zelgan babies #not meant to be #tebanam #Faris #fanfic

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iamafxsh · 3 years

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week 6 - w/c march 1st

march 6th 2021

Fictional characters are free game. Once it exists and it perceived and consumed, people can take what they want from it, or change it to fit their wants and needs, or let if be if that’s how they prefer. This is why things like fanart and fanfiction are so prominent, because we, as fans and creators, can take what we want and what we like, and discard what we don’t, or what doesn’t resonate with us.

All characters are free game, but some get played with a lot more, and I want to look at three cases, characters in which I believe/have taken to believing this without necessarily explicit canon information.

Arnold Rimmer (Red Dwarf) So I’ve talked about him a lot, in many, many posts, so I won’t go into much here, but yes, I think he is queer to some or multiple degrees. I don’t think he’s straight I know that. There is hinted at evidence, and when I say evidence I mean bits of media that very likely were not intended to point in this direction, but when viewed all together, it’s hard to see anything else.

Jamie Winter (Midsomer Murders) It’s hard to believe I never talk about this show because I love it dearly - and my main blog takes it’s name from this character - but I want to talk on Jamie a little. He’s my favourite Sergeant, the fifth and most recent of them, and I care for him dearly. I can say, without doubt or hesitation, that he is bisexual. There is no evidence for that, not at all really, but it just feels right. But, what about it feels right? Why does he feel bisexual?

I also imagine he had a pretty terrible childhood, with passive neglectful and abusive parents, and who never really felt love and acceptance until he left that environment.

Quite different things, but with the case of Jamie there is this: we basically know nothing about him. With other sergeants, we’ve known bits and pieces, but Jamie’s past has been left untouched on, so why do we - and by “we,” I mean a fair portion of the Midsomer Murders/Jamie Winter stans - believe he had a bad childhood? Little looks he gives and the odd sentence, but that’s it really, isn’t it?

Julian Bashir (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) Now I can talk on this a bit more because I wrote an essay about this character and his identity, through allegory, as a transgender man. It’s definitely an unintentional allegory - his trans identity shown through his identity as a genetic augment - but it’s definitely there. It was a joyous essay to write, especially as a trans person myself, and I felt very grateful to have a professor who was so supportive of this idea.

I focus on these because these opinions - that Rimmer is queer, Jamie is bisexual and Bashir is trans - are not just headcanons held by me, but by other people too, and it was wonderful seeing that. Looping back to what I said at the start about all characters being free game, yes, but Rimmer is consistently queer, multiple people have talked or written with Bashir as trans, nearly everyone I know that I talk ot Jamie about will agree he’s bisexual. So, what are we reading? What are we seeing that the others don’t? Why is Bashir the DS9 character headcanoned to be trans and not Jake or Kira or Rom? Why is Jamie explicitly bisexual to us and not just more broadly queer?

This post doesn’t really have a point or answer unfortunately. I imagine some of it, things regarding gender and sexuality, come from a history of being invisible or supressed with media, and so we naturally look into these character to find ourselves when we’re not explicitly impressed.

Mention Star Trek here for an example, but In ST: Discovery, everyone who has been seen as straight - as in straight-passing relationship with no explicitly queer identity - I don’t really headcanon anything about, and I assume they are straight - and the same in regard to gender. And in Discovery, we have gay and queer character, and trans and non-binary characters too. Now looking at Deep Space Nine, there are no directly explicit queer or trans character - yes there is Dax in terms of gender, but that’s a different topic, and Dax is only ever a woman on-screen so forgive - and so I headcanon half the characters to be queer, in gender or sexuality, purely because I can sometimes.

So yes, I’m sure some of this headcanon stuff comes from that, but it doesn’t, at least in my personal case, explain why I see Jamie having an abusive childhood. Mine hasn’t been, at least not in the same way I imagine Jamie’s being, so it’s not self-projection like it might be with Bashir being trans, so I don’t know. Maybe somebody else does, and I’d love to talk about this sort of stuff with someone (so if you want to, hmu on my main @jxmieswxnter)

#red dwarf #rimmer #star trek #start trek deep space nine #deep space 9 #ds9 #bashir #julian bashir #doctor bashir #midsomer murders #jamie winter

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bi-dazai · 3 years

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honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

#tw d slur #tw f slur #tw homophobia #personal #i didnt hear much transphobia in my grade until towards the end of highschool #because nobody back then rly knew what a trans person was #also #long post #like REALLY long #t slur

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #311

“somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that i had in february of last year.”

What is something that is so awful it gives you pain in your teeth? Extremely sweet and/or cold treats. What is something you would like to teach someone? I love educating people about meerkats, snakes, tarantulas, opossums... lots of animals. What is something people tend to come to you about? For me to take pictures for them. What is something you would be willing to gamble? I don't mess with that. What's something you're absolutely 100% sure about yourself? Uhhh that I really like creating things and just being artistic. How often do you self-reflect? Probably too much, really. When was the last time you realized that you were the problem, if ever? I feel like a problem now, still living with and financially depending on my mom. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? Ha, Mom and I got lost driving one day looking for roadkill for me to photograph (that will always feel weird saying) and wound up pretty far north from home, kinda close to Virginia. It was a fun afternoon/evening. What are some sights around the world you would like to see some day? I'm honestly not crazy about pursuing ancient architecture, but I'd take the opportunity for some if I could, especially in Egypt. OH! Venice would be cool, and whatever that city is with the umbrella "ceiling" layer outside. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? No. Apart from sleeping, name something you enjoy doing in bed: Sit on my laptop or read. Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah, or at least something of the sort. Do you stay friends with your exes? Girt and I are close friends, while the others I don't have contact with. Not because we're on bad terms (I may be w/ Jason, but I think our last meeting was freeing for both of us and distilled any remaining tension), we just don't talk. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Pretty sure no, I'd crash. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? One or two. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. How many pregnant people do you know? Good Lord, a lot. People are bored in quarantine apparently lmao. Who was the last person to play with your hair? Myself, outta boredom, kinda just twirling it. Have you ever seen the inside of a computer? Yeah. ^If yes, can you name any of the components? I could probably identify the motherboard. If you could get a new phone right now, would you/which kind? I would. Idk what kind, though; I'm not very familiar with what's up-to-date. Have you ever cut your own hair? No. If you had the chance, would you start your life entirely over? No. How old is the eldest member of your family? I don't know really, given both pairs of my grandparents are dead. Probably some aunt or uncle on Mom's side. I don't remember their birth order. Do you drink the milk from the bowl after you eat all the cereal? No, it grosses me out for whatever reason. UNLESS it's after a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, then I'll drink it. Do you know anybody who has had an online relationship? Yeah, me, and some others. One thing that your guy best friend doesn't like about you: He's never told me about something he doesn't like, so I can't speak for him. How about your girl best friend? Ummm you'd have to ask her, too. Do you loan your friends money? *recites the usual financial woe story* Are you taller than your siblings? No. Do you have “photoshoots” with your friends/family members? Definitely not regularly by any means. Are you generous? If you ignore monetary generosity for obvious reasons, I think I am in other ways. Are you afraid of lizards? No no no, I love those tiny lil dinosaur boiz and gorls!!!!! :''') Ahhh, I want a tegu especially one day. How legible is your signature? It's perfectly legible, imo. How hot are your neighbors? I don't even know my neighbors. Well, Mom's spoken to the woman to our left more than once if they were both outside, but I know she's an older woman whose appearance I never really noted, but regardless, I know I wasn't attracted to her. Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who's your buddy? Yeah, I can finally play it regularly since they began offering a daily box with a few items in it, like the balls. I'm not checking, but I think I'm like... around 23? My buddy is Charmeleon because I love love loooove that evolution line and absolutely want a Charizard ASAP. :') What's the most daring thing you have ever done? I guess that would be the story about how I challenged my rather intense fear of fair rides that can trouble the stomach by going on whatever the thing's called where you slowly go very high up and then drop down abruptly. Yeah yeah yeah, I was safe the whole time, but it was daring by my standards, haha. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice already; the first time it closed while I was in the psych hospital and had to take it out, and the second one I just gave up with it after I kept losing them in my sleep and they just fell into the fucking void or something because I could never find them come morning. I eventually had none left to replace those I'd lost. And yes, I wore the curved types, they still just came out somehow???? Probably didn't help that I sleep like, ON my face sometimes, but... lol. I've been thinking of doing it one more time, but this time with a hoop ring. Nostril piercings are just really cute to me. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Somehow. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Do you have tan lines? HA. Absolutely not. Not even in the summer. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip piercing? Yeah, he had snake bites. Has anyone told you they were in love with you? Yeah. Have you ever seen a bald eagle in person? Yes. Have you ever been vomited on? What about in vice versa? Oh my fucking god no, don't even make me imagine it. What is one family member you wish you were closer to? My sisters. When and where did you lose your virginity? Since then, what was the longest time you've ever gone without sex? I dunno, his bed or mine when I was maybe like 16 or 17. Been many years. What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone? That I'll experience heartbreak again. Do you think that your life is exciting enough to be made into a movie? Do you think anybody would actually enjoy it if it were a movie? lol fuuuuck no If you were the opposite sex, would you be attracted to you? I don't know? If I was a different person, I'd obviously have unique tastes, too. Have you ever walked around your house naked? Oh no, I'm way too uncomf for that. Do you prefer profile pictures of you by yourself or with someone else? Me by myself. Did it bother you to find out that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Toothfairy were not real? Not really, no. I'd been suspicious about it for a long time anyway. Is there a food that you only recently started to like? If so, what is it and when did you start liking it? How often do you try again foods you don't like to see if your tastes have changed? Hm... I'm unsure about "recently." I'm not very adventurous with food at all, so the answer for the last part is not often at all. Who would you NOT want to read the surveys you've posted on here? What would most likely happen if they did read it? Is there anyone you actually wish would read your survey answers but doesn't? Probably my therapist lmaoo. It'd spark some concern, especially regarding my PTSD, for him to be able to see "wow, she is deeply scarred." I don't really "wish" anyone else would read them, other than the occasional answer I wish He Who Shall Not Be Named could hear. Do you watch Glee? If so, which song do you want to hear on there that they have not yet done? If not, which TV show do you think has the best soundtrack? I don't watch it. The answer is obviously Supernatural, like good good shit right thar. Do you think you would be able to pull off a crime perfectly, without being caught? What about other lies? For example, cheating on your partner without getting caught? Would you be able to get away with it? Ha, hell no. I'm way too clumsy in more ways than physical and would overlook so many details. And I wouldn't WANT to get away with cheating on my partner, thanks. Do you know anyone who has divorced and remarried the same person? What do you/would you think of someone who does that? I don't think I do, and it's not really my business, but I'd have silent doubts, probably, depending on why they split. Do you say goodnight to anybody before you go to bed? If so, does it feel weird if you go to bed without saying it to them? I say goodnight to my snake Venus; even if she's in her hide, I say it when I walk past her terrarium. It probably wouldn't feel weird not to, but I want to, even though she can't even hear me lmao. How do you react when you're scared? Do you scream, jump, cover your eyes, etc.? I am VERY jumpy, tend to gasp easily, and sometimes scream if I'm seriously scared. Who is the best storyteller you know? What do you find best about their storytelling? Is there an interesting story of theirs you'd like to share? I don't know. Do you strongly dislike (or even hate) any bands or musical artists? If so, what caused such a strong negative emotion towards them? Not for purely their music, that's just stupid, but I could certainly dislike artists for what they do as people. For example, I haven't looked into it whatsoever, so it could be a load of bull, but I know Manson recently had some sexual misconduct or assault allegations rise against him, and honestly, I'd believe it. He's one of my favorite artists (emphasis on the "art"), but definitely not high on my list of favorite people and keeps doing things that are making me lose more and more respect for him. Then there's Otep... again, one of my favorite musical artists. I agree with a good handful of her values, but she is nevertheless an absolute holier-than-thou, intolerant bitch. I don't like her as a person. Do your parents have any collections? If so, what do you think of those collections? Dad collects Cleveland Browns and Carolina Hurricanes stuff; it's all over his "mancave." I don't have an opinion on them. Do you have a favourite role of Johnny Depp's? If you don't like him, what is your favourite role of an actor you like? I'm not familiar enough with all his acting roles for this, but I know he's incredibly good at what he does. If you were in a competition to win your dream prize, and you were allowed to decide what the competition would be (trivia about your favourite band, a foot race, singing, etc.) , what would you choose and why? Uhhhh maybe facts about meerkats? Reason being it's something I'm honestly very knowledgeable about. What is your least favourite thing about the English language? Are there any other languages you prefer besides English? It breaks its own "rules" ALL the time. If I was fluent in German, then I might actually prefer it. There are many parts to the German language that make it very precise and clear what and whom you are addressing (ex., there are two different "you"s for singular and plural usage); the only real downside I see to German is the sentence structure is odd, but then again, I mean, it does encourage active listening to get all the parts of a sentence you need to understand what is being said. Would you be upset if a long-term partner confessed that they had committed a serious crime before you met? How do you think it would affect your relationship? Hm. I guess it would depend on the crime? I sure wouldn't be happy hearing they committed an as you said serious crime, but I'd have to consider if there were other red flags for danger going on, again, if it wasn't massive in my eyes. Do you enjoy watching the special features found on most DVDs? What do you usually enjoy more: the deleted scenes, the bloopers, the audio commentary, or the behind-the-scenes footage? I have to be seriously into whatever I'm watching to explore these. I do love me some bloopers, though. Was there something you were afraid of as a child that just seems silly to you now? I had that usual "monster (or in my case, skeleton) in the closet" fear. Have you ever had a crush but then found out he’s gay? Almost positive my puppydog-love middle school bf actually is gay. I also had a crush on a closeted gay guy for a little bit that same school year. Nowadays he is so open about his sexuality and even does drag, and he's great at it! It's wonderful seeing how far he's come in his confidence. Would you ever be a porn star? What'd your name be? Oh no, hunny. Does blood make you squeamish? No. What's your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales. <3 I also have a very soft spot for Charmander, though. What was the last event to cause you any sort of heartache? My older sister got in a wreck yesterday because some impatient bitch ran a red light. She's fine but did break her clavicle and is going to be using a sling for probably a few months. It was definitely upsetting to hear about. What do you do when you like someone? I tend to get very shy around them, more than I naturally am, and smile a lot. I try to stay in contact with the person, and it's maybe a 60/40 chance I'll wait for them to make the move versus me, but I've done it. Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? YEAH. Especially as someone who needs to mentally prepare for company, don't do this. Do you enjoy rain? To a degree. If it hangs around too long, it affects my depression. I LOVE going to sleep to rain pattering on the window, though. You love Jesus, yes? I don't believe he was a bad person; quite the opposite, actually, but I don't "love" him. I won't go too deep into why just because I'm not in the mood to offend people today lmao. Who’s your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. She's my rock. How many different beverages have you had in the last 24 hours? Just water and Mountain Lightning (a Mountain Dew ripoff for us poor folk, haha). Oh wait, I did have a meal replacement shake for lunch yesterday, I think? Or that might have been the day before... How many brothers does your father have? None, unless I've seriously forgotten him having one. He only has a sister, to my knowledge. What kind of camera do you use? I have a Canon EOS Rebel T6. If you could change you name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't. 25 years with a name I quite like has worked out fine. What was the last song you listened to in the car? Uhhh it was "Drugs" by Mother Mother, I think. Are you the youngest, oldest, middle, or only child? I'm the middle child between my parents. What's the best thing about the place you currently live? Hm. I would say for practicality's sake that we're very close to pretty much everything, but seeing as I enjoy long car rides... With that in mind, I'd say who our landlord is. She's a very close family friend who is very understanding of our financial position, so pretty forgiving with some things. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yessss, I need breakfast to start my day off. Can you hear anyone talking right now? No, just singing. I'm listening to Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. What's your favorite flavor of ramen? I solely enjoy the spicy pork bowl by Yakisoba. I've never had another I've liked. I lived off that shit in the apartment. I guess what they say about college kids is true, haha. Never realized that. When was the last time you had a bowl of soup? What flavor? Back when I got my snake eyes tongue piercing, I tried vegetable soup only to find I didn't like it anymore. Do you have any tinned foods in your cupboard at the moment? Yeah, lots. I couldn't name 'em all, besides like, diced pineapple, corn, and beans. We always have those. What was the last food item that you tried for the first time? On Thanksgiving, I was actually brave with food for once and tried that sweet potato dish that's topped with marshmallow, and it was okay. I never liked sweet potato before, and while I couldn't eat a lot of it, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Does anyone in your family have green eyes? No. What was the name of your first ever pet? I was born into my family with a beautiful collie named Trigger, but I have zero recollection of her because she passed away from old age when I was very young. My first personal pet was either my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow (no, I have no idea why I named a green lizard that); I can't remember who came first. I adored them both. I feel so bad looking back though, I was so uninformed on how to properly care for a water dragon that she (or he, we were never sure) was, as far as correct husbandry goes, horribly taken care of and stunted from having a tank too small. I consider myself lucky she seemed to really trust me and loved being held, even sleeping on me, and she did live out her full lifespan. I was lucky; please, please, never adopt a reptile until you are properly educated on their unique care. Where was the last place you went out for lunch? What did you order? Mom bought me McDonald's a few days back because I was really craving it. I had a double cheeseburger and for once large fries, because that's what I was seriously wanting. I usually get small or medium. Where was the last place you went for an evening meal? What did you order? I feel bad and selfish for breaking my own "stay the fuck home but for emergencies" rule, but my mom, one of my sisters, and I went out to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. I think I ate a chicken sandwich with Chipotle sauce? I actually don't remember for sure. I do however remember the cheesecake I got: some cinnamon swirl one that was fucking glorious. Oh yeah, and we had an appetizer of these pretzel ball things dipped in fondue. I ate waaaay too much, but it was a special occasion, so whatever. Have you Googled anything today? What? I ensured I spelled "clavicle" correctly. Yaaaay, I did. What do you like to eat for breakfast these days? Special K cereal, a sandwich, sometimes those pancake & sausage on a stick things I mentioned at some point in the last survey I think, or a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Maybe other stuff I'm just not thinking of. Is anyone in your family a nurse? No, but I have family in the medical field. Do you like to wear lipstick? What colors do you think suit you best? Not really, no, but I will sometimes for pictures. It smudges too easily yet is also hard and annoying to get off. I only really wear black. Who was the last person to recommend a book to you? My therapist recommended a book for the whole PHP group, but I can't remember what it was. Something self-care related. Who was the last person to tease or joke around with you, in a friendly way? I wouldn't be surprised if it was Tobey, the "family friend" I mention a lot. She probably said something technically rude that she thought was an appropriate joke. Is there a jar of peanut butter in your house? Yeah, always. Does anyone you know own a tabby cat? How about a cocker spaniel? Tabbies are very common, so yes. I don't think I know anyone with a pure cocker spaniel, but my late dog's mother was one. Do you have blinds or curtains in your bedroom? What colour are they? I have those slanted blinds that you can close by pushing them upwards or downwards with a stick thing. They're white. What was the last beverage you tried for the first time? Some form of juice I wasn't a fan of. Orange and peach, I think? Who was the last person that said you were beautiful? I think a friend on Facebook when I changed my profile picture. Is/are your pet(s) fixed? My cat is neutered, but obviously my ball python isn't. Roman would mark the house like crazy before we got him fixed... but even if he didn't, we still would have done it. Please make spaying/neutering your cats and dogs a financial investment priority. If you do the research, you would marvel over the "damage" especially one fertile cat can cause. Hell, my childhood experience with cats is enough proof of that.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''somebody told me'' by motionless in white

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alightwhendarknessfell · 4 years

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Hi, I just need advice, as your blog is lgbt+ friendly. I've been struggling with finding my sexual identity for a long time. It's like I do find people attractive and I have crushes but I don't remember having a "I wanna have sex w/ them" feeling (maybe there were a few times when I slightly wanted to, but that's been mostly pre-period hormone storm). I even find sex scenes in books/movies slightly disgusting, I can't understand why people like them so much, does it make them feel+

+like they want to have sex or something, I can't picture that in my mind, like it doesn't really exist. I don't look at someone and feel horny or anything, I'm like "yeah, they're pretty" and that's it. Sometimes I want to have sex, like I think about it but I'd only want to do it with a woman (I'm a female as well) but sex with guys scares me. I just don't... find their manhood attractive or anything, like I'd never touch that. I've recently come across "gray sexuality" and I was wondering+

+If I maybe fit under that one but I'm still researching a term to fit into my identity struggles. Could you please explain the asexuality spectrum a bit, like you did with gender identity? :)

Reply: Of course I can try and help! I identify as gray-ace and it wasn’t something I even found out about until a couple of years ago. I understand what you’re saying exactly, while I am romantically attracted to people and even find them physically attractive I just don’t want to have sex most of the time. Although there have been occasions when I do, I find I mostly just do it because the other person wants to.

Sexual attraction and sexual desire are both spectrums just like gender. There are some people who are hypersexual, some who only experience sexual desire after a deep connection has been made, some who rarely experience sexual desire, and some who never experience it. There are some who have to have certain conditions met before they experience sexual attraction as well. Some people may be okay with depictions of sex acts, and others who may be repulsed by them.

There is nothing wrong with being on the ace spectrum, it does not mean someone is broken or that they just haven’t found the right person. Especially in American culture people are socialized to feel like they have to experience sexual attraction and that sex should be something they want. I know I’ve had conversations with friends of mine who hid their asexuality because they felt they needed to ‘be like everyone else’.

Here is a good list of terms for gender/sexuality/sexual attraction that give brief overviews of each, and here are some graphics that are asexual spectrum specific.

There is a lot of terminology in the LGBTQ+ community, and I know that some people don’t like that but I find it to be helpful. Not everyone feels the need to identify with a label, but for a lot of people, it can be incredibly liberating to finally have a word to describe themselves and to know there are others who are the same.

On another note since we are on the topic of asexuality. There is a debate among some people that it should not be included in the LGBTQ+ community, but I don’t agree with that. The A in the expanded acronym stands for asexual, they are part of the queer umbrella. It’s also important to recognize that not everyone is comfortable with sex or likes it and to be cognizant about that in conversations/situations that may become hypersexual in nature.

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

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I'm asking as a confused trans and gay person regarding some of your recent posts saying aphobia doesn't exist, etc. Do you consider asexual people to be inherently LGBT even if they are cisgender and straight (heteroromantic)? I don't want to discriminate at all, I'm just confused because I see people fighting on here all the time about whether aces are part of the LGBT community or not. Do you have some insight for me as an ace nonbinary person? Thanks in advance!

no it’s fine lol dw!

i’m not sure how to explain this w/o being too extensive in what i say bc i’ve talked about this before but more in private conversations (and maybe some rants in tumblr posts) nd i tend to ramble abt it.

first of all i do not actually like the common conception that there is one way to define LGBT or the idea that everyone should fall within that category term or not, for example because the English language is colonial and rigid and does not reflect on experiences of all cultures, bc being gay or trans are not distinctly different experiences everywhere while they would be divided into different categories. so whereas i was more insistent on saying ‘you must be gay / bi / lesbian / trans to be LGBT / suffer from homophobia or transphobia’ i’ve come to realize now that this argument is rather exclusive of many gender diverse identities that do not correspond to all experiences or cultures. so i will stay away from using that argument.

however, i am speaking from my experience with online LGBT and asexual communities and have seen how the latter has tried to force itself into the other. i think a large issue with the asexual and aromantic communities is that they are partially based upon the creation of AVEN, an online forum founded by a homophobic and antisemitic man, and partially (though related to the former) by just blatantly made up statistics and history. not once have i seen a good argument or research or even personal accounts that illustrate very well why aphobia is a thing. i am asexual myself but do not want to take the lack of discrimination i faced for it as proof. there have been accounts of ‘aphobic’ discrimination that are either 1. much more a general concern with the OP facing misogyny and girls being sexualized, 2. someone making a remark based on a misconception of OP’s experiences or 3. misappropriation of terms and applying them to asexuality, e.g. ‘corrective rape’ was coined to refer to (African) lesbians who were assaulted under the presumption that it would turn them straight. asexuals have appropriated this term years ago to claim asexual people face rape on a large scale because perpetrators try to force them into liking sex. some people don’t even know the original meaning of the term because of this. i’m also not a big fan of this new interpretation of the term anyway, because legit sexual attraction is not the main reasons people commit rape; it is to seek power. this kind of mindset of asexual people being inherently vulnerable to sexual violence due to lack of feeling sexual attraction is seriously harmful; in the crime show Law and Order SVU, a suspect was let off because some main character said the suspect was asexual and this couldn’t have done it. people can be and sometimes are raped by an asexual person, because it is about taking advantage of someone and not attraction. the sole fact that so many authors of overly fetishistic fanfiction are asexual should prove this much, but instead the lack of attraction is used to distance oneself from the harm one can still cause.

and yes, asexual people can face discrimination, especially if you’re a girl you’re expected to be sexually submissive, which is pretty horrifying on its own. but this is not the same as targeted discrimination on a mass scale or institutional whatsoever. we are not thaught as we grow old that asexuals are disgusting, are a joke, or need to be violently murdered. my biggest issue with the asexual and aromantic community that we (as i have removed myself from it years ago) keep telling it that anecdontal accounts of being mildly discriminated is nowhere near the same as risking being kicked out of your house, being violently attacked due to the way you appear or having a partner of the same gender, being systematically discriminated by all sorts of institutions in society and being thaught that what you are is bad from an early age on. and then the counterargument is that LGBT is more recognized but asexual and aromantic isn’t, so ‘ace / aro’ people deserve to be included because they are underrepresented in media. but that is not the case at all. the speed at which asexuality has suddenly been incorporated and included into LGBT spaces, also offline, has been ridiculously fast. nowadays when you see a bunch of LGBT flags you see the asexual one being included a lot, sometimes in 3 different versions, while the lesbian flag is nowhere to be seen. lesbians are consistently excluded from their supposedly own community and they are not included in LGBT due to a need to change underrepresentation or lack of awareness, but because they face their own version of homophobia. the most mind-boggling thing about cis / cishet asexual and aromantic people being told that they are not oppressed, is that the response is not relief (’oh i’m glad i don’t face systematic oppression for this thing’) but anger (’how dare you not let us into your group!’). LGBT is seen as a fun party that is unnecessarily mean to anyone it gatekeeps, as if it is not actually necessary to keep out cishet people who benefit from their privilege and can use that against the rest in the group if they join.

my largest issue with the asexual community however, and i’ve touched upon this a bit before in the post, is that it victimizes itself, to such a degree where it puts itself oppositional to ‘allosexuals’. the whole idea that people who experience sexual attraction to another person are inherently privileged over abd hold power over asexual people is just not true (and the same goes for this rethoric for aromantic people). this idea is so wrong and the whole concept of the ‘allosexual’ as oppressor collapses once you consider that people who are attracted to the same gender are actually in danger and oppressed for their very attraction. not only are those who experience attraction (that isnt platonic) to other people portrayed as oppressors, but also as perverted freaks. once i decided to stop associating myself with acearo people and instead interact with LGBT people with other experiences, i realized just how much stigmatizing abd frankly, homophobic and transphobic bullshit i’ve adopted within the spaces i used to be in and that i still see gather a lot of traction (now their harmful points are also used on twitter and IRL in the public domain). the community has a huge issue where it teaches you to be puzzled and grossed out by people who want to date / kiss / have sex with other people, and this results in GSAs that now include asexuals to prohibit kissing your partner per request of asexual / aromantic members, asexual people showing up at pride with ‘can we just hug?’ signs, the common serophobic jokes (’at least we dont get hiv!!’ blergh), and for me it led to a great discomfort with kissing and sex imagery and it wasn’t until i left the community that this was in fact subtle homophobia because so much content on here is lgbt themed and to combine that with the increasing aversion to romance or sex without critically looking at that is... very toxic to say the least.

so where it’s standing right now, i don’t think including asexual or aromatic people in LGBT spaces on the basis of those identities is a good idea. one community advocates for the acceptance of sex, whereas the other is stigmatizing it and painting off those who are in fact oppressed for their transness or homosexuality, as the oppressors. it clashes and it doesn’t work. the ‘ace / aro’ community (quote unquote bc i see ‘ace’ being used a lot to imply superiority over ‘allosexuals’ like, theyre being the ace at something) has too many issues, which it is largely based on, to figure out. it can be a community on its own and i do not think you need to join LGBT to have a valid identity that has something to do with sexuality or gender and deals with a form of stigma.

it woukd be a rant, i warned you lol

#asks #anon #the asexual comm #homophobia //#transphobia //#lesbophobia //#rape mention //#serophobia //

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stars--n--stripes-blog · 5 years

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Like any religion, wokeness understands the need to convert children. The old Jesuit motto (sometimes attributed to Voltaire) was, after all, “Give me the child for the first seven years and I will give you the man.” And so I was moved but not particularly surprised by George Packer’s tale of a progressive school banishing separate restrooms for boys and girls because this reinforces the gender binary. The school did not inform parents of this, of course:

Parents only heard about it when children started arriving home desperate to get to the bathroom after holding it in all day. Girls told their parents mortifying stories of having a boy kick open their stall door. Boys described being afraid to use the urinals. Our son reported that his classmates, without any collective decision, had simply gone back to the old system, regardless of the new signage: Boys were using the former boys’ rooms, girls the former girls’ rooms. This return to the familiar was what politicians call a “commonsense solution.” It was also kind of heartbreaking.

As an analogy for the price of progressivism, it’s close to perfect. Authorities impose an ideology onto reality; reality slowly fights back. The question is simply how much damage is done by this kind of utopianism before it crumbles under its own weight. Simple solutions — like a separate, individual gender-neutral bathroom for the tiny minority with gender dysphoria or anyone else — are out of bounds. They are, after all, reinforcing the idea that girls and boys are different. And we cannot allow biology, evolution, reproductive strategy, hormones, chromosomes, and the customs of every single human culture since the beginning of time to interfere with “social justice.”

It’s also vital to expose children to the fact of their race as the core constituent of their identity. Here is an essay written by a woke teacher about the difficulty of teaching “White boys”:

I spend a lot of my days worried about White boys. I worry about White boys who barely try and expect to be rewarded, who barely care and can’t stand being called on it, who imagine they can go through school without learning much without it impacting in any way the capacity for their future success, just because it never has before.

This sounds to me as if he is describing, well, boys of any race. And when boys are labeled as “White” (note the capital “W”) and this requires specific rules not applied to nonwhite boys, they often — surprise! — don’t like it:

This week, a student spoke up in class to say that every time a particular writer talked about White people and their role in racism, he would start to feel really guilty, and it made him not want to listen … I try to keep an arm around the boys who most need it, but it’s hard, because I’m also not willing to give an inch on making my room safe for my students of color. It’s not their job to keep hurting while White boys figure it out.

Children, in other words, are being taught to think constantly about race, and to feel guilty if they are the wrong one. And, of course, if they resist, that merely proves the point. A boy who doesn’t think he is personally responsible for racism is merely reflecting “white fragility” which is a function of “white supremacy.” QED. No one seems to have thought through the implications of telling white boys that their core identity is their “whiteness,” or worried that indoctrinating kids into white identity might lead quite a few to, yes, become “white identitarians” of the far right.

One of the key aspects about social-justice theory is that it’s completely unfalsifiable (as well as unreadable); it’s a closed circle that refers only to itself and its own categories. (For a searing take down of this huge academic con, check out Douglas Murray’s superb new book, The Madness of Crowds.) The forces involved — “white supremacy,” “patriarchy,” “heterosexism” — are all invisible to the naked eye, like the Holy Spirit. Their philosophical origins — an attempt by structuralist French philosophers to rescue what was left of Marxism in the 1960s and 1970s — are generally obscured in any practical context. Like religion, you cannot prove any of its doctrines empirically, but children are being forced into believing them anyway. This is hard, of course, as this teacher explains: “I’m trying. I am. But you know how the saying goes: You can lead a White male to anti-racism, but you can’t make him think.”

The racism, sexism, and condescension in those sentences! (The teacher, by the way, is not some outlier. In 2014, he was named Minnesota’s Teacher of the Year!) Having taken one form of religion out of the public schools, the social-justice left is now replacing it with the doctrines of intersectionality.

Last week, I defended drag queens reading stories to kids in libraries. I don’t take back my words. Getting children interested in reading with costumed clowns strikes me as harmless. But when I was directed to the website of Drag Queen Story Hours, I found the following:

[DQSH] captures the imagination and play of the gender fluidity of childhood and gives kids glamorous, positive, and unabashedly queer role models. In spaces like this, kids are able to see people who defy rigid gender restrictions and imagine a world where people can present as they wish, where dress up is real.

However well-meant, this is indoctrination into an ideology, not campy encouragement for reading and fun.

And then there is the disturbing “social justice” response to gender-nonconforming boys and girls. Increasingly, girly boys and tomboys are being told that gender trumps sex, and if a boy is effeminate or bookish or freaked out by team sports, he may actually be a girl, and if a girl is rough and tumble, sporty, and plays with boys, she may actually be a boy.

In the last few years in Western societies, as these notions have spread, the number of children identifying as trans has skyrocketed. In Sweden, the number of kids diagnosed with gender dysphoria, a phenomenon stable and rare for decades, has, from 2013 to 2016, increased almost tenfold. In New Zealand, the rate of girls identifying as boys has quadrupled in the same period of time; in Britain, where one NHS clinic is dedicated to trans kids, there were around a hundred girls being treated in 2011; by 2017, there were 1,400.

Possibly this sudden surge is a sign of pent-up demand, as trans kids emerge from the shadows, which, of course, is a great and overdue thing. The suffering of trans kids can be intense and has been ignored for far too long. But maybe it’s also some gender non-conforming kids falling prey to adult suggestions, or caused by social contagion. Almost certainly it’s both. But one reason to worry about the new explosion in gender dysphoria is that it seems recently to be driven by girls identifying as boys rather than the other way round. Female sexuality is more fluid and complex than male sexuality, so perhaps girls are more susceptible to ideological suggestion, especially when they are also taught that being a woman means being oppressed.

In the case of merely confused or less informed kids, the consequences of treatment can be permanent. Many of these prepubescent trans-identifying children are put on puberty blockers, drugs that suppress a child’s normal hormonal development, and were originally designed for prostate cancer and premature puberty. The use of these drugs for gender dysphoria is off-label, unapproved by the FDA; there have been no long-term trials to gauge the safety or effectiveness of them for gender dysphoria, and the evidence we have of the side effects of these drugs in FDA-approved treatment is horrifying. Among adults, the FDA has received 24,000 reports of adverse reactions, over half of which it deemed serious. Parents are pressured into giving these drugs to their kids on the grounds that the alternative could be their child’s suicide. Imagine the toll of making a decision about your child like that?

Eighty-five percent of gender-dysphoric children grow out of the condition — and most turn out to be gay. Yes, some are genuinely trans and can and should benefit from treatment. And social transition is fine. But children cannot know for certain who they are sexually or emotionally until they have matured past puberty. Fixing their “gender identity” when they’re 7 or 8, or even earlier, administering puberty blockers to kids as young as 12, is a huge leap in the dark in a short period of time. It cannot be transphobic to believe that no child’s body should be irreparably altered until they are of an age and a certainty to make that decision themselves.

I don’t have children, but I sure worry about gay kids in this context. I remember being taunted by some other kids when I was young — they suggested that because I was mildly gender-nonconforming, I must be a girl. If my teachers and parents and doctors had adopted this new ideology, I might never have found the happiness of being gay and comfort in being male. How many gay kids, I wonder, are now being led into permanent physical damage or surgery that may be life-saving for many, but catastrophic for others, who come to realize they made a mistake. And what are gay adults doing to protect them? Nothing. Only a few ornery feminists, God bless them, are querying this.

In some ways, the extremism of the new transgender ideology also risks becoming homophobic. Instead of seeing effeminate men as one kind of masculinity, as legitimate as any other, transgenderism insists that girliness requires being a biological girl. Similarly, a tomboy is not allowed to expand the bandwidth of what being female can mean, but must be put into the category of male. In my view, this is not progressive; it’s deeply regressive. There’s a reason why Iran is a world leader in sex-reassignment surgery, and why the mullahs pay for it. Homosexuality in Iran is so anathema that gay boys must be turned into girls, and lesbian girls into boys, to conform to heterosexual norms. Sound a little too familiar?

Adults are increasingly forced to obey the new norms of “social justice” or be fired, demoted, ostracized, or canceled. Many resist; many stay quiet; a few succumb and convert. Children have no such options.

Indoctrinate yourselves as much as you want to, guys. It’s a free country. But hey, teacher — leave those kids alone.

By Andrew Sullivan

#transgender ideology #transgender children #transwomen #transmen #indoctrination #mental health #*

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katiesclassicbooks · 5 years

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Favorite Books of 2018 📚Part 1: Classics

I know its really late and I had originally wanted to make a video, but I really want to share my favorite books of last year. Maybe you will all still get a video at some point, but for now you get this master post!

I’m making this post in order of publication date, the oldest to the most recent. I have written reviews for each of these books which are linked.

Daphnis and Chloe by Longus ~ (150 AD)

This is an Ancient Greek piece of writing about young love. It is a lovely and amusing story of the innocence of young love complete with gods and goddesses and the enchanting pastoral setting of the island of Lesbos. I found this to be a world of the past to get lost in and an enjoyable sweet story.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/173363848356/review-daphnis-and-chloe-by-longus

Middlemarch by George Eliot ~ (1871)

This is a Victorian novel about a town called Middlemarch, it’s inhabitants and the complex web of their relationships. This is an epic novel about everyday life filled with fantastic characters and their aspirations, familial drama and romantic relationships. I found this to be one of the most relatable classics I’ve read in a long while with such perceptive insight into relationships.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/169794990606/review-middlemarch-by-george-eliot

Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu ~ (1872)

This Victorian novella was written by an Irish author and is a vampire story that predates Dracula. This story however is about a female lesbian vampire. It was wonderfully atmospheric, it’s two female characters were great and the theme of suppressed female sexuality was very interesting.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/179124167841/review-carmilla-by-j-sheridan-le-fanu

Kusamakura by Natsume Soseki ~ (1906)

This Japanese classic is written from the perspective of an artist who goes on a journey to have the ultimate artist’s experience and only experience things from a detached artist’s standpoint. This book was like a word painting and was utterly beautiful. This was a book about art, beauty, nature and the old Japan coming to terms with the new. This was such an introspective and refreshing book and there were so many great quotes that I wrote down as I was reading.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/175279046096/review-kusamakura-by-natsume-soseki

The Painted Veil by W. Somerset Maugham ~ (1925)

This novel follows a beautiful and shallow woman named Kitty Fane living in Hong Kong with her husband Walter. When her husband finds out she was having an affair, her punishment is unusual and severe. She must accompany him to mainland China to help out in a Cholera epidemic. What follows is a story of Kitty’s spiritual awakening.She starts to appreciate real beauty, she gains compassion for and insight into other people’s feelings, she opens up to a more spiritual dimension of life, she realizes why she acted the way she did and she tries to make amends and ultimately find peace. This novel had great character development and I didn’t expect it to be as profound as it was.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/175657280916/review-the-painted-veil-by-w-somerset-maugham

How Green Was My Valley by Richard Llewellyn ~ (1939)

This novel is set in a Welsh mining community and follows a man named Huw Morgan as he looks back at his life. This is a story filled with memories of love and family. Quite simply this was one of the best family stories I have read and the Morgans will always stick out in my mind as one of the best literary families

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/172079242116/review-how-green-was-my-valley-by-richard

Brideshead Revisted by Evelyn Waugh ~ (1945)

This novel is about a man named Charles Ryder looking back at his youth when he became friends with a young man named Sebastian and became involved with his family and their estate Brideshead. This was a nostalgic novel about the loss of innocence and youth, complicated and disappointing love, charm and ultimately religion and how it can save you and haunt you with guilt. This was a book filled with rich writing that impacted me emotionally. I became so attached to these characters. I didn’t even agree with everything in this book especially on matters of religion, but I loved it regardless which is unusual for me

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/174952967816/review-brideshead-revisited-by-evelyn-waugh

The Once and Future King by T. H. White ~ (1938-1958)

This is a retelling of the legend of King Arthur starting when he was a boy and ending right before his death. After having read the very classic Le Morte D’Arthur in 2017 I very much appreciated this retelling. It really brought the legends to life. At times it made me think deeply and at others it had me laughing out loud. White made Arthur’s ambitions for the round table seem noble. To use the might that was so popular at the time for right, yet to question the ways of the world and why wars were even fought in the first place. I love how the legends of King Arthur can be used to explore different issues and this version I found really aligned with me and I tremendously enjoyed it.

http://katiesclassicbooks.tumblr.com/post/170067974316/review-the-once-and-future-king-by-th-white

~Katie

#Favorite Books of the year #favorite books of 2018 #Book master post #book reviews #favorite classics

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paulisweeabootrash · 5 years

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First Impression: Noragami

Okay, after that crappy “reviewlet” thing, I'm back with another show I actually feel like saying something interesting about:

Noragami (2014)

Episodes watched: 5. Or... actually, 14, but this review is only based on the first 5 episodes of season 1.

Yato is a minor god. A very minor god. A god who has no worshippers, no shrine, and relies on doing odd jobs for people in exchange for offerings of ¥5, a service which he advertises with graffiti and hand-made business cards. His Regalia — a human soul who temporarily takes the form of living equipment a god can use — just quit. Things are looking down for him.

Hiyori Iki is a martial-arts-loving middle schooler who just happens to encounter Yato, whom she, reasonably, believes to be a regular mortal, on the street. She is hit by a bus while pushing Yato out of its path and gets reincarnated in a fantasy world temporarily separated from her body. Hiyori, understandably, has some trouble coming to terms with this, especially when Yato explains to her that she is not dead (or, not completely, anyway), but instead in an in-between state where she is able to repeatedly temporarily leave her body. Much much more to her confusion and horror, her in-between state grants her the ability to see supernatural creatures usually hidden from humans, including Phantoms, eldritch abominations that often appear as psychedelically-colored flying sea creatures and possess humans, both living and dead, to induce them to do bad things.

Hiyori is now stuck between the “Near Shore” (the world of the living) and “Far Shore” (world of the dead) rather than a resident of either, and those from the Far Shore — Phantoms, human souls, and gods alike — will certainly notice this. Yato and other gods frequently use their Regalia (what is the plural of “Regalia”? “Regalias”? That sounds wrong.) to fight Phantoms in addition to (or as part of) answering the prayers of their followers. Since Yato needs a new Regalia, at this point, I was starting to suspect this will maybe be a quasi-magical-girl premise where Hiyori becomes Yato's new Regalia and then falls for him in a "please don't think about what is at bare minimum a several century age gap" uncomfortable romcom. But... no. This show goes in a more complicated and interesting direction than that.

Regalia must be sufficiently pure (and apparently fully-dead) human souls, so Yato, who seems to look down on humans even compared to other gods, simply drafts the first suitable soul he encounters. That soul, a teen boy with no memory of his Earthly life, whom Yato names Yukine, luckily turns out to be a very talented Regalia and a quick learner, but also frustrated about his death and prone to sinful thoughts (more on that in a moment). Hiyori takes an interest in Yukine, mainly to take care of him because Yato is certainly not doing that well, but I actually kind of get the impression she's attracted to him, especially given that, unlike Yato, Yukine is approximately her age (or was before he died... it's not clear how long he, or any other Regalia, have been dead). She also takes an (academic) interest in the supernatural world in general, which is only partly what she expected or imagined, and she becomes a de facto member of Yato and Yukine's "team" as it were. But also overwhelmed and mainly just wants her soul to be securely re-attached to her body so she'll stop accidentally leaving it at inopportune times — to her friends and family, it appears that she has now been having severe and unpredictable episodes and collapsing and losing consciousness since her bus accident, and she often leaves her body lying around in public without realizing it. Or, in one case, draped over the top of a fence, which is... not an ideal sleeping location. Yato vaguely claims he will restore her, but has no idea how to.

So far, the story has focused on the interactions between the three of them and on exploring the setting/what Phantoms are/how the gods work/etc. This has revealed a fascinating detail which, beyond the scope of the five episodes I took notes on, becomes one of the main arcs of the first season: although the gods are amoral, or at least behave according to a totally different set of standards, they are still affected by human morality. Morality, says Yato, is socially constructed by humans, but affects the gods vicariously by causing “blight”. If humans decide an act is sinful, then a Regalia doing that thing causes a blight to both themself and the god they serve which must be ritually cleansed. Yukine, despite being initially pure enough to become a Regalia, starts to cause blight to Yato because of his jealousy of the still-living and his attraction to Hiyori, and this proves to be... well... you’ll see.

We also learn from Kofuku Ebisu, goddess of bad luck and poverty, that Yato used to be a war god, with a past darker than Hiyori is willing to accept or think about. He will grant anyone's wishes to remain relevant, and this may come back to endanger people. Yato is also dating(?) Kofuku, and seems to have had a previous romantic relationship with a Regalia named Nora who served him and gives off a serious yandere vibe. Or actually (spoilers), as it turns out, not named Nora. "Nora", we learn, is a derogatory term for an entire category of Regalia: those who serve multiple gods and generally do jobs normal Regalia would refuse. This, in connection with the whole thing about gods being corrupted by their Regalia violating human-made moral standards, raises a worrying question I hope we get an answer to: do noras corrupt their gods, or are they somehow unable to produce corruption because they themselves do not believe anything they're doing is wrong? This is the sort of question this show raises, and it seems smart and thorough enough to try to answer it... if it doesn't, there's the ongoing manga series to turn to, and this is yet another show I've enjoyed so much that I might start reading it.

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Revised W/A/S Scores: 7 / 3 / 3 / !

Weeb: Pretty high on this scale mainly because of its very Shinto background, including very specific patron deities of concepts, gods physically residing in shrines, its specific forms of prayer, the dead just sort of... wandering and acting like still-live humans, and of course the presence of shrine maidens because how can you not have shrine maidens?

Ass: Occasional nudity, but not fanservicey. Ep. 2, for example, has partial nudity in situations like contemplating in bath and locker room that are not framed sexually but probably would be in a different tone of show.

Shit (writing): I have a weirdly specific translation complaint (because of course I do). I accidentally learned via Wikipedia that "nora" means "stray", and this seems like information that maybe should've been dropped in the subtitles at some point? It might actually have made the reveal about what "a nora" is work better in English than in the original Japanese because this meaning would be a surprise to the English subtitle-reading audience. Anyway, enough about that. I find the characters enjoyable and their arcs pretty believable. A main plot conflict between Yato and the nora is clearly forming by the end of the five episodes I cover here, and I'll cheat a bit to say that the first season successfully plays out two story threads while leaving others open for the next season, but not in a cliffhanger or "we clearly didn't know how to wrap this up" way. An advantage of adapting a popular ongoing manga, I suppose: you can pace things better and also be reasonably sure that there's enough interest to get you another season.

Shit (other): Pretty ending, meh opening. Great reaction faces. Moods are accentuated well by variations in the art and animation. I love the design of the Phantoms because I'm a sucker for surreal depictions of the supernatural. It's not as dramatically bizarre and imaginative as, say, the witches in Madoka Magica, but still excellent.

Content warning: It is a recurring point that the gods' duties include saving people from suicide, and multiple suicide attempts are depicted (although they are thwarted by divine intervention by Yato).

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Stray observations:

- Yato starts out appearing to be a magnificent bastard, but it becomes apparent quickly that... uh... maybe he’s just an asshole.

- I have no idea why, but Yato sneaking into Hiyori's house and mirroring her dad's actions is one of the funniest things I've seen recently.

- You'd think at some point Hiyori would develop a plan, or at least a cover story, for abandoning her body, even if she remains unable to control when she leaves it. Not to mention that she'd sometimes come back to an injured body or find that someone has moved her or called an ambulance or something.

- The background music includes rap in English with autotune, which is... surprising, but neither good nor bad.

- This setting raises the same set of troubling questions about the concept of an afterlife that a lot of afterlife concepts do, since it appears that people are "frozen" at the age they were when they died but also have the ability to learn (and later, outside the set of episodes I covered here, to mature mentally at least somewhat)... do child Regalia or children's souls in general ever mentally mature in the same way that real children do as they ender adolescence and adulthood? Are there baby ghosts hanging around with no concept that they are dead, unable to ever gain that concept because they will never age? (I feel like this is turning into a literary criticism of religion, and that's waaaay outside the scope of this blog, so I'll end this here.)

#weeaboo trash #anime review #first impression review #noragami

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