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hwaslayer · 10 months

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project: make you love me (jyh) | two.

♣︎ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: yunho can’t stand how you’re so wrapped up in the notorious campus fuckboy, park seonghwa. he would gladly love you the way you deserve, despite being shy, awkward and the complete opposite of seonghwa. thus, when he finds himself spending more time with you over literature reviews and random study sessions, he decides to take on the challenge to win you over.

—pairing: jeong yunho x f. reader x park seonghwa

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers/friends to lovers, college au | fluff, angst, (eventual) smut

—word count: 3.6k

—chapter content/warnings: nothing too bad since we're still in the beginning stages of things lol, cussing, friends being supportive, friends being instigators and projecting!!, hwa still being hwa, yunho being shy and awkward but very caring

You scrambled to get your literature review done, almost forgetting that you had to send it to Yunho before officially submitting it to your professor. It's a bit past midnight when Seonghwa decides it's time to drop you off— even if it gets incredibly late, he'd prefer to drop you off at home rather than let you stay.

All Seonghwa's bullshit plans.

You yawn as you quietly step into your shared apartment, careful not to wake your roommates as you pull out your laptop and finish your lit review on the kitchen island in the dark. It fucking sucks that absolutely nothing is coming to you for this review because now, Yunho is probably going to think you're just flat out dumb for not being able to see what everyone else sees.

"Hey." You whip your head up so fast you almost give yourself whiplash. Seungmin groggily walks out of his room and into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. "Why are you working out here in the dark? Did you just get home?" You nod.

"Mhm. Forgot I had to finish that literature review and send it to Yunho."

"Forgot already?"

"Shut up, okay? Not my favorite assignment to work on. Besides, I wanna give him some time to review it and chew my ass if he needs to. Rather him than Dr. Nelson at this point." You type away, probably hella nonsense and gibberish about the movie at this point.

"Hm." Seungmin hums as he quickly drinks his water. "Don't stay up too late."

"I won't. Just gonna give this a few more words then send it off." You sigh. God, you almost regret asking Yunho [out of all people] for help. He's super smart and he always knows what he's doing. Was this the right route to go? Maybe you should've just asked Dr. Nelson and dealt with it.

"Mkay. Goodnight then, Y/N." Seungmin yawns as he drags himself back to his shared room with Soobin. You decide that you're gonna take another 10 minutes to finish off the review, giving it everything you can think of right now. If it needs tweaking or any additional details, Yunho can surely step in and help. You feel exhaustion hitting you quickly, giving your review the last bout of energy you have left before you shower and call it a night.

"Done." You say to yourself, sending it off to Yunho as an attachment.

He probably won't look at this until later.

You make sure to double check your emails and assignments, keeping track of everything that's due and needs to be turned in—

Ding.

You peep the notification that pops up on the bottom right of your laptop screen.

"1 New Email from: Jeong Yunho ([email protected])"

"What the fuck?" You mutter to yourself. It hasn't been a whole 10 minutes since you sent the email. You click on the notification anyway, letting it bring you to the new email in your student inbox.

— do you have time to meet really quickly later today? i wanna go over your review with you. cool if you can't though, just prefer to talk to you in person instead of marking up your page without any explanation to back it up.

You sigh and sit there, trying to remember your schedule for tomorrow. You do have a 45 minute break in between your morning classes. Hopefully, he's free.

— sure! i'm free from 10:15-11. does that work for you?

"1 New Email from Jeong Yunho ([email protected])"

— yup, i don't have class till after lunch. i'll be working at one of the booths in the library.

You sit back and respond, feeling a bit of relief.

— cool, see you. :) thanks for your help.

Yunho sits at his desk, feeling a bit awkward and nervous even though you can't see him right now. It's probably a little pathetic at how quick he opened up your email, but to be fair, you seemed like you really needed the help and that's what he wanted to give you. You aren't necessarily writing bad reviews, since you're hitting all the right points. But, he has Dr. Nelson figured out. He doesn't want just the facts— he wants you to think outside of the box, write out the emotions, feelings, outcomes of all the actions, give examples, state what your thoughts are on how this effects the surroundings, other characters. You just need to add that little umph to your reviews and give him more than the bare minimum. Yunho gets it though, it's not easy to tap into that all the time. That's why he's here to help.

He's hoping he can be the help you need.

"Did you come in pretty late last night or was Seungmin sleep walking?" Soobin scratches the side of his head as the two of you walk towards the library.

"No, that was me." You chuckle.

"Did Seonghwa at least walk you to the door? Cause that's late."

"Yeah right." You scoff and Soobin shakes his head. "Whatever though, he drops me off as close as possible to our building."

"Still. He should at least walk you halfway."

"Mm, yeah." Is all you respond with. "Anyway, lunch later? I have to meet with Yunho to talk about this review."

"Oh? You're actually meeting with him? That's new. I feel like that's something out of the ordinary for Yunho."

"He asked if we could so that he could explain better instead of just marking up my review."

"That's nice of him."

"Yeah, hopefully I'm not too much of a pain in the ass."

"Doubt it. You just need a little guidance, that's all. Sure he'll be super helpful." Soobin smirks. "He seems to not go out of his way for people, maybe he likes you."

"Are you serious right now? All because I need help over a literature review." Soobin laughs.

"Just saying. I already like Yunho way more than Seonghwa."

"Okay, I'm leaving. I'll see you later." You roll your eyes and enter the quieter side of the library where the booths are located. It's easy to spot Yunho, especially with that towering figure of his even while sitting. Today, he's wearing a navy and white flannel, with a grey shirt underneath. His hair falls to his face as he leans over to write some notes. He has one finger placed on a page in his textbook, while the other hand is busily writing away. He glances to and from every now and then, only looking up at his surroundings when he feels you approaching.

"Um, hi." You awkwardly stand near the booth with your books tucked against your chest. He simply looks at you before giving you a tiny, pursed smile and returning his attention to his books.

"Hey." He moves his book and notebook closer to himself in order to give you some room. "Sorry, just need to finish this right quick."

"That's okay. Take your time." You slide in awkwardly and set your books on the surface of the table. "Thanks for going over my review."

"No worries." He says softly before finishing up his notes and shutting his books closed. He brings out his laptop and types away to unlock it, pulling up your document before turning the laptop towards you. "So."

"Sorry, I know it was bad." You look at him, a little shy and embarrassed. He tilts his head a bit and furrows his brow while looking at you.

"Huh? No, it wasn't bad, Y/N." He lets out a small chuckle. "You're hitting the right points, Dr. Nelson is just super complex and wants you to use these facts a bit more." He points at a line in your review. "You talk about the characters feelings here after an upsetting moment, which is right. But, how does it affect their surroundings? Their actions, the people around them, what they get themselves into to cope. How does feeling bad branch out to all these things? Why? How does it contribute to their overall attitude, to the overall character?" You nod.

"It seems so easy to talk about, but I don't know why I have so much trouble doing it. I feel kinda dumb." He shrugs.

"You're not. You just have to dig into the details a little more and use those examples instead of staying safe and stating what we know already. It's easy to stay safe because you know what you're stating is gonna be right. Dr. Nelson just wants a little more than that, is all."

"Thanks, Yunho." He gives you a toothless smile.

"Of course. Uh," He scratches his temple. "Let's go through everything else? So, I can be of better help to you?" You nod.

"Only if you're okay with it."

"Yeah. Just wanna make sure I help you out correctly." He lets out a shy chuckle before thoroughly going through your literature review with you. He asks you the right questions, allowing you to edit your own document on his laptop while the two of you continue to converse. He shares his thoughts and the things he's included on his review, making it easier for you to understand what you were missing and leaving out in your own.

Literature was never your favorite. You partially didn't care enough to put in enough effort, hence the lack of patience and understanding with the assignments— the lack of patience and understanding with your own professor.

As 11 closes in, you sit and look at your fully edited review feeling content. You look at Yunho, a small toothless smile on your face while he awkwardly glances around the library to avoid long eye contact. He gently taps his hands against the surface of the table, waiting for you to break the silence.

Which, you eventually do.

Thank god.

"Yunho, I feel so much better about this." You slide the laptop over to him. "Thanks for helping me, seriously. I don't know what I'd do if I had to see Dr. Nelson's comments again."

"It's not a problem." He shrugs. "I um, can continue to look at your reviews if you want?" Your eyes light up as you nod delightfully.

"Really?"

"Sure."

"I have to repay you somehow, that's too much on your plate isn't it?"

"It's not. I wouldn't offer if it was." He chuckles a bit.

"Lunch one day?"

"You don't have to."

"I would like to. Or, if our schedules don't work, we can always meet for coffee and go in on the café desserts."

"Sounds good." He smiles and pulls out his phone to slide it towards you. "Mm, do you think I can grab your number? Sorry, don't mean to be lame about it. I just figured it'd be easier instead of emailing each other. Unless that's what you.. prefer?" You chuckle and shake your head.

"No, this is totally easier. Don't worry." You plug your number in before sliding it back to me. "There."

"That's me." He says after giving you a quick ring so you can save his number on your own phone. You start to gather your things to start heading to class when you hear a familiar laugh come from one of the aisles to your right. You turn over your shoulder to catch wind of the noise, finding Seonghwa deep in conversation with another classmate, another senior girl [actually this one is probably Hyeri?] She seems to be laughing at his jokes, even though they probably aren't that funny. Somehow, the way he looks at her [along with any other female who isn't you] breaks your heart.

Breaks your heart even though there isn't anything else left to break.

Seonghwa briefly makes eye contact with you before his eyes quickly dart to Yunho, then back to Hyeri in front of him. You quietly continue to gather your things and swallow the lump forming in your throat, unsure why you allow this feeling to completely ruin your mood. Yunho takes note, for sure though. Again, he's not sure if he should feel bad because you surely knew what it was like getting tangled with Seonghwa. That was no secret on campus. However, he's an empath, and seeing that you've been kind and calm around him— he can't help but feel bad. A tiny bit sad, upset even, that you continue to let yourself mess around with Seonghwa when you deserve so much more.

Yunho challenges Seonghwa a bit though, letting his eyes linger on him until Seonghwa breaks away first. He checks on you and parts his lips slightly because he wants to say something, anything— he's just not sure what. Eventually, he settles with:

"Are you okay?" It's clear you're not and Yunho immediately feels stupid as fuck for settling with that question.

"Hm, yeah. Just tired, is all." He nods, watching as you slide out of the booth and swing your bag strap over your shoulder.

"Don't hesitate to text me if you need anything else. I'll try and help." When he says it, he's hoping you can catch onto the fact that he's someone who could listen to your troubles. He's not good with words or opening up to people, but he thinks he could at least offer that after seeing the way you sank in front of him. His eyes dart back up to you when you tuck your books back to your chest and smile at him.

"I will. Thanks again, Yunho. Lunch or coffee soon, okay?" You say sweetly before leaving him back to his lonesome.

"How was your date with Yunho?" Soobin asks as he forks his salad and takes a big bite. You glare at him before shaking your head.

"This is how rumors spread, you idiot." Chaery smacks him on the back of the head, making him laugh but slightly wince in pain at the same time.

"I'll whoop your ass if you say that word and Yunho in the same sentence one more time." You roll your eyes. "My literature review session with him went fine. He did help me out a lot, practically added another page to my review from all the edits we made."

"That's good." Soobin says, laughing. "Are you gonna have him review your literature stuff from now on?"

"Probably, it comes so easy for him. Or, maybe I just lack the patience." You shrug. "But, his help would definitely be nice. I need to push my grade up."

"Mhm." Soobin wiggles his brows.

"He's pushing this Yunho agenda so much." You point at Soobin while looking at Chaery and she shrugs.

"I mean don't get me wrong, I'm on the same bloat." You glare at her. "But, I'm on your side more than anything!" She quickly bounces back, making you sigh.

"I give up." You mumble as you rest your chin on the palm of your hand. Suddenly, your phone vibrates off to the side, making you lazily tap your screen to see who the notification is from.

"Better not be Seonghwa." You glare at Chaery once again.

"I'm taking this to the couch." You stick your tongue out before grabbing your phone and walking over to the couch in the living room. Because it's not, and you don't really wanna deal with your teasing friends even more.

yunho: btw, i like this website if i don't really wanna dig too deep into the details

yunho: it's a good website that summarizes a lot of the themes in books, and they have a huge catalog

You smile and respond back, feeling appreciative that he thought of you.

yunho: srry for the triple text, hope i didnt bother

you: you didn't. thank you, yunho :) i'll bookmark this that way i won't have to bother you so much lol

yunho: you're not a bother haha but np. have a good night!

you: you too!

Then, another comes in. And of course it's Seonghwa. But, the message isn't your typical message, no. It's a message that easily rubs you the wrong way because why? Why does Seonghwa like to pull this shit?

seonghwa: since when did you talk to jeong yunho? lol

you: why does it matter?

seonghwa: it's a simple question?

you: you're ridiculous, you know? we're in the lit same class. again, not that it matters .. ?

seonghwa: how am i ridiculous? lol

you: whatever seonghwa

seonghwa: why are you upset, baby? i'm just asking. i don't see what yunho's point is

you: he has no point, he's just helping me out.

seonghwa: okay, sure lol do you wanna come over? could use your company ):

you: not tonight

you: maybe you can call hyeri, or whatever her name is. i'm spending time with my roommates

seonghwa: baby, seriously? i was talking to a classmate. can we not fight over dumb shit again?

you: goodnight seonghwa

You sigh out of irritation, tossing your phone aside. It's a bit close to 10pm, but you feel like getting some fresh air and taking a quick walk around the complex would do you some good.

"Chaery, can we take a walk?" She looks at you and nods.

"Sure."

"What about me?" Soobin asks with a mouth full.

"You're eating."

"I can take it with me."

"It's girl talk." He cringes a bit and shakes his head.

"Nevermind. Be safe, come back soon." You chuckle just as Chaery walks out of your shared room in a hoodie. She has one of your jackets in your hand, handing it over as she gets closer.

"It's a bit cold tonight. Jacket?"

"Thanks." You smile at her as you throw it on and zip it up, sliding into your slippers before walking out. Chaery is right; the air is colder, crisp. It has a little bite, especially against your skin. Chaery wraps her arm around yours, pulling you close for extra body heat.

"What happened, babe?"

"Huh?"

"You told Soobin it was girl talk." You laugh a bit and nod.

"Oh yeah, right. It is." You sigh as you hold her close. "Nothing, it's just Seonghwa. He texted me just to ask when I started talking to Yunho and what his point was. Got on my nerve."

"Ew, what's his problem? Y/N, seriously. You can do so much better than him. I know it's not easy, and I know he has his moments with you. But baby, you deserve someone who is always sure about you and who will be happy to flaunt you off."

"I know." You sigh. "It's like every time I think about leaving, he does something to keep me close."

"But, it shouldn't be this way, you know? You shouldn't have to wait for these moments. It should happen every day if he really cared about you."

"Yeah." Is all you can say because what can you say? It's hard to break it off with Seonghwa because this is your routine, something you've gotten used to— his presence is something you've gotten accustomed to. Even if it he isn't necessarily the best, he keeps you company. The kind of company that you like.

"How was meeting up with Yunho? Did he help you with your review?"

"A lot. He is super helpful, and he offered to keep helping me."

"Aw." Chaery giggles. "That is so sweet of him."

"He's actually really kind, and patient. I offered to take him out for lunch or something one day."

"Cute. Yeah, you should! Get to know him. Maybe he just needs a little pushing out of his shell, you know? You could probably help him in return." You shrug.

"Maybe? He's still—" Suddenly, Chaery's eyes shoot up to the figure ahead. She does a little gasp before making a cute noise and dragging you closer.

"Yunho!" She says, waving at him. He looks a little startled, but he stops in his tracks and waits with his hands in his pockets— a shy, small smile creeping at the corner of his lips. "Wait, oh my god! I didn't realize you lived here, too! I mean, so does the majority of campus, but still!" You sure as hell didn't know either, and you feel a bit bad that you just probably never noticed.

"Uh, yeah. I just live over there." He points at his building.

"Who do you live with?"

"Kang Yeosang." Chaery nods.

"Ah, cute. What a pair." You give her a look before shifting your attention back to Yunho. He quietly waits for the next part of the conversation, his eyes softly gazing over you.

You're cute.

"What are you doing out here this late?"

"Could ask the same for you two." He chuckles and nervously scratches at the nape of his neck. "I, uh, can't sleep sometimes. The walk kinda helps."

"Ah, I see. Makes sense."

"So.." He awkwardly says, shifting weight from one foot to another. "Also couldn't sleep?" You shrug.

"We just needed to get out and get some air." Chaery cuts in for a follow-up to avoid any Seonghwa talk. Though, she knows Yunho wouldn't do that to you.

"It's getting late though, and pretty cold."

"We're just gonna walk to the end then walk back."

"Hm, okay."

"It was nice running into you." Chaery smiles. "I hope you can get some rest tonight!"

"Hopefully. Have a good night." He looks at her, then you; he gives you a very tiny, very subtle nod of acknowledgement. With that, the two of you walk past to continue your walk, Chaery praising how gentle and good-looking Yunho is until the end of the walk. Yunho knows the community is safe, but he cuts his walk short just to head up to his building and get a better view of yours. He hangs over the railing near the stairs, catching sight of you and Chaery. He watches as you circle back around to your building, slowly heading up the stairs. He can hear your laughs from where he stands, and he's glad you seem to be okay tonight.

It's good that you have great friends by your side.

When your figures disappear into the hallway, Yunho feels content, relieved— knowing you've both made it safely home. He turns on his heel to make it to his own apartment, greeted by a dark living room with echoes of Yeosang yelling at his PC.

At least you're okay.

At least you're not outside, waiting in the cold.

At least you're with good company.

♣︎ taglist: @s-nsanshine @soupbinlily @tyongff-ff @jiminiscricket @g1g1l @staytinyinmybpack @woomyteez @gfksz @bitchwhytho @savluvsmingi @thisisntmyrightera @hyukssunflower @miriamxsworld @tmtxtf @kuromibabe04 @lmnhead @carrietwrites @tournesol155 @persphonesorchid @txt-yaomi @marsattacks @mxnsxngie [bold = can’t tag 😭]

#yunho fanfic #yunho series #jeong yunho series #jeong yunho fanfic #ateez series #ateez fanfic #ateez #yunho #yunho x reader #jeong yunho x reader #ateez x reader #ateez scenarios #yunho smut #yunho fluff #yunho angst #jeong yunho fluff #jeong yunho smut #jeong yunho angst #hwaslayer: project make you love me

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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sourbinnie · 11 months

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☆ open wounds ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> hurt/comfort ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> jongho x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> hateful comments are taking a toll on him but you're there through thick and thin. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> none ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> yes!

you noticed how jongho was changing before your eyes, slowly becoming a sadder version of himself. it hurt to think that your baby was going through something and because of his busy schedule he couldn't really contact you a whole lot. you saw him during the day when he would leave and then during the night when he buried himself in your embrace and fell asleep.

you wished you could have a moment where you two would sit down and just talk like you used to when he was feeling troubled. it was one of those occasions where you had a free day from work and you were browsing your phone to see how the boys did on their performance today. scrolling through the comments was never something that was interesting to you, other people's opinions could be very hurtful towards the boys disguised as "constructive criticism" or just straight up be hateful.

this time though you read them, a lot of love from atinys and from people who got into ateez through their latest comeback. but then you got to the nasty ones, a large majority being directed towards jongho and everything started clicking on it's right place. the times he would spend in his vocal lessons, plus the ones where he would practice choreos till late at night and burying himself even more in work than he could handle. the way he avoided you sometimes because he needed to perfect his skills. he was getting hate and he was trying to be what the "fans" wanted him to be.

it hurts knowing he didn't feel enough. he wasn't only one of the best vocalists and most talented people you knew but he had a big heart. one that unfortunately tends to try to please everyone and leaves him unsatisfied every single time. it was a constant battle between trying to improve what is already the best and losing your mind a little bit every time. you knew you needed to talk to him when he got home, no matter how late it was going to be.

and late it got indeed as you tried to keep yourself occupied doing chores, checking your email to see if you had work or listening to music (mostly your boyfriend's heavenly vocals) but then he appeared at your door. he dropped his things at the door and you got up from the couch as you looked at him. a mix of being in shock because you were still awake and being exhausted from practice invaded his face.

"why are you still up, baby? don't you have work tomorrow?" he asked and you nodded but suddenly got close to him, giving him a little peck that made him blush. you couldn't recall when was the last time that you two had kissed but this was just right, you had missed him to the moon and back.

"yeah but i needed to talk to you before we went to sleep baby." you simply said and looked him in the eye. you could sense him being worried but he just nodded as you two sat down, your hands meeting his.

"did something happen?" he asked, not being able to look at you anymore. for some reason that hurt because you knew he was going through a lot and you didn't want to add up to that list. you sighed and shook your head and chose the words correctly to tell him what was going on.

"baby you know you can be honest with me right? we haven't talked in a while but i'm always here for you." you said and then he knew you found out what was going on. he couldn't help but feel the sensitive side of him take over and the tears form in his eyes.

"i'm sorry for not coming to you with this, i thought i could deal with it on my own." he said through tears as you wrapped your arms around him and held him close. he wasn't one that expressed emotions like this a lot but you could tell that this got out of control a long time ago. "it's just a lot right now to handle between promotions and i didn't expect to be invaded with so many comments. it's hard to not believe them when there's so many and i really wanna be the best for atiny, for my bandmates, my family and for you."

"the thing is jongho, atiny wouldn't want you to go through this. if they were true fans they would want you to take care of yourself and for you to be you, which is not only an incredible singer but an amazing person." you said as he nodded and the tears kept spilling under his eyes but you wiped them off with your thumb. "i am not ashamed of you, i am so proud every time i see you and what you do. i'm sure the boys are too and your family just adores you darling."

"i've never been the best performer and sometimes i miss a note, everything just seems to fall down when i do." he says and you listen to him closely. he had a hard time taking compliments or accepting that he was talented but luckily you were there to cheer him up, put him back on his feet. "i wish i could be perfect at the things i do even if it seems impossible."

"perfection is not something you should strike for because you're never gonna be satisfied at the end of the day. i think you have an amazing voice, missing a note doesn't change that your voice is heavenly." you said with a little smile as you look at him and see the blush on his face through the sobs. "jongho you're much more than your voice, your dancing or your stage presence."

"i wish i could believe that baby. it's just so much right now and i don't know what to do but i'm glad i have you." he said and gave you a weak smile as you pulled him closer. maybe it won't be okay right now but you knew he would eventually grow to love himself, to accept that this is what he was and it was more than enough.

"i will always be here whenever you need me, please don't stay silent and ask for my help when you need it." you whispered to his ears and he nodded as he buried himself in you. no more words being spoken but you could still hear his breath and heartbeat.

eventually as he fell asleep on you, too tired to keep on crying, you sighed. you were so in love with this man and nothing would change that, not a single trace of a hateful comment could make you believe what they saw because at the end of the day you got to see the real him every day and it was more than they could ever imagine.

#sourbinnie #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez drabbles #ateez #ateez imagine #ateez angst #ateez x reader #ateez jongho #jongho x reader #ateez x you #ateez x y/n #ateez x gn reader #ateez x gender neutral reader

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beyondthisdarkhouse · 1 year

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Tl;dr: I have restocked my Etsy shop! If I sell out again, I won't be able to restock until Tuesday.

Life of me:

Spend months bringing embroidery patterns to sell at historical re-enactment events. Get a lot of admirers but average 3 sales per month. Ponder if this is because the chronic pain-and-fatigue multipliers of being at the event, dressed, with a table set up with stuff, and sitting in a chair for several hours, leaves you with the engaging salesmanship of a Galapagos tortoise.

Buy a roll of interfacing 8" wide and 9 yards (27 feet, 324 inches!!) long to print patterns on. Expect to run out at the end of the next Ice Age. Print 13" long strips because that's the longest size the printer will countenance.

Open Etsy shop. Wait several days. Get 9 visitors.

Post on Tumblr

Receive RAVENING HORDE of buyers on Etsy, like homg. When nobody else got me, I know TUMBLR got me. Sell out entire inventory in like 6 hours flat.

Realize that the item price with the coupon code discount is $2 less than the cost of shipping. Realize why so many people cautioned me against guaranteed free shipping. Make shipping the customer's issue.

Change prices, bc they were originally based around the marketing idea of "please oh god someone buy something I'm fucking desperate"

Package up first 5 Etsy orders around midnight; put hoodie on and walk to nearest postbox.

Occupy yourself with embroidering a little mushroom while winding down for sleep (necessary due to vibration of HOLY SHIT I SOLD THINGS)

Feel like a medieval peasant to whom a miracle has occurred

In the morning, decide to dump the seller manual and planned schedule of product release. Wander the apartment 5x looking for stray lengths of embroidery pattern that have gotten put somewhere weird. Print out patterns until only ONE PIECE of interfacing is left.

Order more interfacing, but the soonest it will arrive is Tuesday. Take inventory and calculate how many items are claimed vs up for sale.

Photograph every single blackwork handstitch pattern in the apartment. They are not very good photographs, but at least they exist.

Sleep for 6 hours in the middle of the day because apparently photography is exhausting and fibromyalgia is an ass

Realise right hand is inflamed and hurts to move because of embroidering a littol mushroom. Why are bodies.

List every single pattern on Etsy even if there's only 1 piece of it for sale. Ache from head to toe because apparently standing up to deal with the printer etc counts as like, intense physical labour?

Email 3 local print shops for quotes because this is. A LOT.

Tomorrow:

Have helper come over and package up orders to go out.

Print very last page of interfacing. Probably with more of the Cottagecore pattern, which just sold out, because it is STINKING CUTE.

Monday:

Spend whole day playing Stardew Valley and eating chocolate pudding and NOT THINKING about the provincial election. (Voted last week, the day advanced polls opened)

Now:

Walk from living room to bed. Why?? How?? Why are we put on this earth?? Just to suffer???

#haberdashery

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the---hermit · 7 months

Text

02|11|2023

Today was intense to say the least. Everything I did was structured around this online lecture I had and it was a waste of time. Today and tomorrow were lectures dedicated to discussing potential paper topics, and you can bet I will send the professor and email tomorrow morning because I don't plan on joining again. I ended up wasting the hours in which I am most productive to just listen about other people's projects of which I don't really care about because I will be working on something else. After the lecture I was exhausted, but I still got some work done in the afternoon, so I'm happy about that. Another recent joy was finding out I can braid the top of my hair! Right now my haircut is kinda terrible because I have been growing out my shorter cut, and ngl it does not look good. But braids are fixing everything, so now I can take all the time I need to figure out what the hell I actually want to do with my hair! A special thanks also goest to my mom who the other day adjusted my hair in the back so now I don't look that terrible.

cozy hobbit autumn activities and productivity:

read first thing in the morning

worked for an hour-ish on a lecture of my power practices class before taking a break from screens

had a 3 hour online lecture for my English class

worked a lot on my crochet project (I was in fact crocheting during the online lecture but on my defense it was just people discussing with the prof their paper topic)

in the afternoon I got back to the power practices lecture I started in the morning and worked a bit more on that (I have about 20 minutes left to finish tomorrow, but it's fine)

podcasts to shut my brain off (I started the last season of the mistholme museum and i don't want it to end)

today's self care:

made sure to drink enough water

took all the breaks I needed when I could (so basically when I was studying and not following the lecture) and actually studied less than I had planned in the afternoon because I was too tired

did some breathing exercises

📖:Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White, Finn Family Moomintroll by Tove Jansson

#studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #university #student #studying #cozy hobbit autumn #productivity #journal #journaling #reading #self care #knife gang #mine #the---hermit

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desi2go · 9 months

Text

Lonely Night

Idol Bang Chan x y/n

Warnings: slight angst, fight

Author's note: Hello. This is my first entry. I hope you enjoy reading it. If you have any improvements or requests please write them in the comments :-)

Chan and you knew each other for many years. You are a manager of Stray Kids and loved every member. After you fell in love with the leader, Stray Kids became your family.

Chan always worked hard for the group even when that meant to stay all night in the studio to work on their songs. Especially now, when the comeback is just about to happen.

You were understanding and helped him whenever you had time. You stayed also long to answer your emails and to plan Stray Kids concerts and events. After you finished your work, you usually go to your boyfriends studio, so that you can go home together.

As you completed your work for today, you turned off your pc and looked to the clock. It was shortly after midnight as you walked through the hallways to go to your boyfriends studio. You are exhausted from the long day and all you wanted to do now, was driving home with Chan, to eat something of the leftovers and to cuddle with him in bed. You studied Stray Kids schedule, so you knew that they had a rehearsal tomorrow morning at 7 am. You feared that he was overworking himself because of the upcoming comeback and wanted that he takes a break.

Chan was still focused on his pc as you walked into the room. You slowly go to him and lay your hands on his shoulders. Immediately, he took off his headphones and turns to you.

"Hey babe" He greeted you with a tired smile. His curly hair messy because he ran through it so many times.

"Hey Channie" You kissed his temple. "I'm nearly finished. Give me five minutes"

You nodded and sat down on a chair while you waited. Time passed. Almost one hour later Chan was still concentrated on his work. You knew that he would barely sleep that night if you wouldn't stop him overworking himself. So you got up and took his headphones.

"Y/n I'm nearly finished."

"I know, but it's almost 1 am and you have a rehearsal tomorrow morning at 7 am. I think it would be better when you just take a break and get some sleep."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I know my schedule. I don't need to be reminded."

"Yes, but don't overwork yourself Chan" You answered. "I am not overworking myself, Y/n! When I'm finished with that I'll take a break. I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone to tell me what I should and what I shouldn't do."

He looked tired and frustrated. But right now you were angry. You only tried to take care of him. "Chan, I only want to help you!"

" But why don't you see that you aren't helping? I will go home when I have this done." He yelled. You were shocked. Especially when you heard him mumbling: " Gosh, you're so annoying" as he put on his headphones and turned back to the computer.

You barely understood it. But you did. Every single word. You stared at his back, realising what he just said. The anger turned immediately into sadness and disbelief. He never said something like that to you. Sure, you had some fights before. But he never mentioned that he finds you annoying.

With tears in your eyes you walked out of the room. Your boyfriend still focused on the screen in front of him. You go over the conversation again and again. Maybe you are annoying? The only thing you wanted was to get him to rest. He always works and comes home tired without eating something the whole day. You usually bring him food and his favourite snacks so that he eats something when he is at the studio. But maybe I should stop?

You drove back to your apartment. It was 30 minutes away from work that's why you spend most of the time at your boyfriends home because it wasn't that far away from the center. But after that fight, you don't know if Chan wants you there. Maybe it is better for you two, if you give him space, you thought. Even though you missed him. You were used to lay your head on his chest while his hands brush through your hair and to listen to his heartbeat as you fall asleep. You realise that this will be a lonely night.

Part two

#skz angst #stray kids x reader #skz imagines #bang chan #skz x reader #bang chan scenarios #bang chan x reader #bang chan x female reader #bang chan fanfic #bang chan x reader angst

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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negativepeanuthoarder · 3 months

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PLEASE MORE PREGGOS SAP N DNN PLEASEEE either angst or fluff

Alright I'm going to set a timer for 20 minutes and write as much as I can :)

944 words, not proofread, Mpreg, no smut, one mention of weight gain/loss

"I feel awful," Sapnap grumbles, lying down on the couch and staring at the ceiling. He really has - waking up every morning with horrible vomiting and fatigue, unable to do much of anything except lie down and sleep, and he can't even do that half the time.

"I know," Dream walks past and touches Sapnap's head before putting a cup of tea on the little table beside him. It's ginger tea, supposed to soothe his upset stomach.

Sapnap sips at it weakly, exhausted. "What even causes this stuff anyways?"

"It's probably just a virus," Dream assures as George walks into the room, spotting Sapnap and Dream on the couch and making a beeline for them both.

"It can't be a virus," George comments casually, leaning onto Sapnap like a nosy cat. "You've been sick for like a week now and none of us have caught it."

Sapnap sighs. "Do you think it's going to go away?"

"Probably," Dream assures. "If you throw up tomorrow we'll go to the doctor's."

"Mm," Sapnap mumbles, rolling over a little and burying himself in throw pillows and blankets, wanting nothing more then to nap for a while and hopefully sleep this off.

George inches closer until they're cuddled up against one another and Dream smiles at them both, gently leaning to kiss Sapnap's forehead and George's cheek, before standing. "I've got some work to do in my office, okay? But I promise I'll be right back when I'm done, we can watch a movie or play a game."

"Okay," Sapnap mumbles. "Can you email someone for me and tell them I can't stream?"

"Of course," Dream assures. "Love you."

"Love you too," Sapnap mumbles, sighing as he finally sinks into the mattress and into a dreamless sleep.

George is deeply suspicious of this.

For one, Sapnap throwing up constantly without getting Dream and George sick is weird enough on it's own, but there's other things he's picking up on that neither Sapnap nor Dream seem to notice.

Sapnap frequently leaving their bed in the middle of the night, avoiding foods he used to like while gravitating towards stuff he normally hates, the slight weight gain even though they've been working out all the time.

All signs point to Sapnap being pregnant, which is completely ridiculous because Sapnap can't get pregnant.

Which is why George hasn't brought it up.

But today's as good a day as any to bring this up to Dream and ask what he thinks. George is getting a little sick of feeling like the only person around here with eyeballs.

He releases Sapnap gently, running his hand over his boyfriend's midsection just in case, wondering if he's actually right, if there is a little baby growing inside Sapnap. Sapnap whines in his sleep and rolls over, away from George, and George slips out of the living room and to Dream's office.

"Can we talk?" He asks, knocking at the open door.

Dream tugs off his headphones. "Yeah, what's up?"

George sighs. This is going to be a weird conversation so he might as well get it out of the way. "I think Sapnap's pregnant."

Dream stares at him for a long moment before snorting, amused. "Okay. That's pretty funny - just because he's caught something or had food poisioning doesn't mean he's-"

"I'm serious," George frowns at him. "He's getting up all the time, has all this weird food stuff, sleeps all day, he's sick, and on top of that he's gained a little weight. He's pregnant."

Dream looks at George for a long moment, trying to process that information. "But... George he's - he can't get pregnant, he doesn't even have a like... uterus. That's impossible."

"It's either that or he's got some weird illness that's masqerading as pregnancy," George sighs. "Look it couldn't hurt to take a pregnancy test, can it?"

Dream looks skeptical. "Yeah, that won't hurt, but good luck convincing Sapnap he's pregnant."

George slinks off, ordering a pregnancy test for same-day delivery online as he does so, and trots back to the living room.

Turns out Sapnap is extremely easy to convince he needs to take a pregnancy test. He thinks it's a joke and humors George by taking it.

And then it comes back positive. He's pregnant. He really is pregnant. Sapnap is pregnant.

"This doesn't- I'm not even- I shouldn't-" Sapnap mutters, sitting down at a barstool while Dream and George get food for the three of them. "This shouldn't even be possible."

"Well... we'll get a good look at the doctor's office tomorrow," Dream sighs, before walking over to kiss Sapnap's head. "But until then you probably need to rest for a little, okay?"

Sapnap agrees, purely because he's really tired and just wants to nap in their bed. He also wants them to snuggle with him, and he wants the cats to snuggle with him too, even though they're entirely disinterested in doing that.

Except Patches, who leans against him and purrs while he sleeps, warm and safe in their big bed. Dream joins him a little later with a laptop to work on, and George climbs in with his phone. He likes resting his hand on Sapnap's tummy.

George loves it, loves feeling like he's holding a baby inside Sapnap, a little jelly bean. Their baby, all three of them. Their little baby growing inside Sapnap. He loves it. He loves them already, because they're a part of Sapnap and George loves Sapnap and he loves Dream and he loves whatever this is.

Even if this is all a false alarm. But that's a worry for tomorrow. Today George is happy with his boyfriends and their baby.

#fics by peanut #dreamnotnap #dnn #mpreg

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pbandjesse · 7 months

Text

I felt so bad today I had to stay home. My voice was totally gone. I couldn't even laugh!! Nothing would come out! Terrible. Uncomfortable. I was not having a very good day.

I didn't sleep great. I actually fell asleep sleeping on my back which I literally never do. I just couldn't get comfortable breathing on my side.

When I woke up I was coughing so hard. We think I have bronchitis. James told me I shouldn't go to work. And they were correct. I was worried about moving the car to the correct side of the street. And they said that if that was what was worrying me then they would go do that.

I would wash my face and did my lotions to try to feel better. But I still needed to stay home and stay in bed.

I don't remember James leaving. Which made James very worried when I told them that later. But I just somehow missed that conversation. Like I remember them coming in to check on me. And asking if they should bring anything home for me. But I missed them saying goodbye. So I was slightly distressed. But I would be alright.

My voice was very hoarse. I decided I should just try my best to not talk. Rest my voice and my body.

I would have my little sandwich James had made for me. Today was not exciting. I had my sandwich and enjoyed looking out the window. I watched a lot of videos. I texted with Jess. I texted with Celia. We came up with a silly plan about voting for best bird of the session next summer. I was not feeling great but I was trying to be positive.

I would gaslight myself into thinking I was fine when I didnt cough for a few minutes and then I would cough so hard I thought I was dying. My chest and throat feel bruised. It was pretty rough.

I thought about sleeping. But while my body was exhausted from coughing, my brain was totally awake. So I just spent a lot of time playing on my phone. Writing emails. Watching videos. Jess told me to be nice to myself and I was trying!

I just wanted to be fixed. I accidently kicked Sweetp and couldn't even apologize. It was tough.

I got an email from a fieldtrip next week and there was a mistake on our end with our calendar. Which then lead to a bunch of phone tag with Alexi and Elizabeth. I didn't realize Elizabeth was still on jury duty. And she didn't know I was home and it was just a lot of back and forth trying to figure out how to fix this. And it'll be fine but it is a little annoying we got all flip flopped.

James would come home soon enough. And we had discussed how I wanted taco bell. So they would take me there. Which honestly helped me feel a lot better. After they cooled off and I got shoes on, they had a quick call with Dante. I tried to say hi but it was just a squeak. And then we were off.

We drove out to Brooklyn park. And got to watch the pretty sunset over the water. Speaking of water there is going to be an event soon to jump in the harbor because it's safe to swim now. Mostly. I want to jump in the harbor?! James does too.

We got taco bell. It was great. I ate it on the drive back and it was exactly what I wanted.

When we got back here James took all our Halloween decorations down. Hung up the blanket I got them as a wall tapestry. Love it. We will wait to put our Christmas decor up until Thanksgiving. Though we need to get our Christmas egg down. We are trying to start a tradition. The ceremonial opening of the egg. Which is a little Christmas scene inside. Love the egg. We opened it last year after Thanksgiving dinner. That's the tradition. We're going to make it a whole thing.

We have been hanging out since then. James made themselves pizza dough. I laid in bed. Eventually I went and took a bath and it helped my chest congestion a little. But I'm still suffering.

I am going to try to sleep soon. I want to go to work tomorrow. So I really hope I feel a little better then I do right now. When I just started coughing so hard I started crying. Sucks. I do not like this.

I love you all though. And I hope we all feel better

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thessalian · 9 months

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Thess vs The Longest Week

So, more work updates.

Scruffman hadn't put a Teams meeting in the diary like he said he was going to, so I dropped him an email to ask. He said he'd "give a bell" on Tuesday instead so he'd have a better idea of the shape of the rest of the week. I pray he decides that I don't need to actually go in. This week has been bad enough, and it's not technically over yet.

This week has seen me doing nearly ten hours total overtime over four days, and looks like I'll be putting in some work on Saturday too. Thing is, even with Scruffman in, not a whole lot of typing was getting done by anyone but me. Add to that a whole bunch of long complicated bullshit, not to mention a couple of them who fucked up their dictations beyond all recognition and obliged me to drop them an email going, "You forgot the block key, I couldn't hear this word because you were sitting several feet away from your microphone, you took your foot off the footpedal at an inopportune moment and cut out a whole bunch of measurements, please tell me this was meant to be 5mm or 0.5cm and not 0.5mm because you don't do slices that thin in these things..." and on and on and on... Also the ones who miss things and wind up having to go back to the macro three or four times in the middle of the block key without giving any indication of where in the macro report the new stuff has to go, and the ones whose sentence structure is abominable even when English is their first language (for those who don't have English as their first language, I tend to cut them some slack). In short, I'm having to clean up an awful lot of messes while still trying to do the job of multiple typists.

Part of the problem at this point is that we have so many more junior doctors, and everyone - junior doctors included - are in a massive hurry, and so they kind of foul things up. And of course, we're understaffed. When we had fewer doctors doing dictation and two extra people in, we were just a little bit overstaffed, and that was comfortable because if a lot of unexpected absences happened, we could still carry on well enough. But we had two people leave last year - one having moved on to greener pastures, one just having walked right out - and more doctors, so now we're massively understaffed and can barely keep our heads above water when we have everyone working, never mind when we have so many unexpected absences. Head Honcho really has got to get us a replacement for Sunshine at minimum, but it's been ages and it hasn't happened so I doubt it will.

Anyway, so that's why I've pulled a total of nearly ten hours of overtime this week, and why I'll be doing some work on Saturday as well. Because people come in and report on weekends on top of everything else, and there seems to be literally no one else to type things but me. I am so exhausted I can't even begin to tell you, but despite that, I haven't slept properly for most of the week, given pain and stress. Even my breaks were generally to get essentials done - trip to the corner shop, ordering the monthly grocery shop, stuffing something resembling dinner into my face, bath to hopefully soak out some of the aches, stuff like that.

I guess there's some good news, though. Today was payday, and there were things that required ordering. Like, for instance, a kitchen scale for those annoying times when recipe ingredients lists go by weight. And some cake tins. And some gluten-free self-raising flour that has good reviews and doesn't require me to know how much xanthan gum to put in the damn thing. I mean, bread is definitely on the list of things I want to make, but I also intend to make the absolute most out of Baking Yesteryear. So tomorrow, in between having to go out for a couple of errands and the never-ending overtime, I intend to make Admiral's Gingerbread. I will very much deserve a treat after this clusterfuck.

#Thess has a day job #Thess cooks

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uglytsumugi12 · 2 years

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shine▲polyhedric tri-lights 【ep 7】

♢ characters: natsume, tsumugi

♢ season: winter

― ☆ ―

〈 Next morning 〉

Natsume: …..

Tsumugi: Oh! Good morning, Natsume-kun! You're early today.

Huh? I see you're looking up sports articles on your phone. Ah, an interview with an athlete, that'd for sure be helpful!

Natsume: Excuse yOU? It's rude to peek at someone's phoNE.

Tsumugi: Ah, sorry. I couldn't help seeing it from this position.

Still, it's reassuring to see everyone's taking this matter at heart. I believe Sora-kun was reading a fashion magazine in the shared room yesterday, too.

Natsume: OH. Sora was in tHE, uM, the shared rOOM?¹

Tsumugi: Yes. Students who belong in sports club often frequent that room. He mentionned wanting to talk to them, and it was the perfect occasion.

I was exhausted though, so I immediately went back to my room. Ah, Sora-kun's energy is impressive…

Natsume: WeLL, that being saID, what'd you come here fOR? Office work agAIN?

Tsumugi: Hey, I'm not always working in the office, you know~? I had some ideas about Switch for today.

I planned to contact the company through the office's PC so they give me resources concerning their past collaborations. I thought I'd ask them now.

We could use that information not only on idols, but also on famous athletes as reference for our own project.

Natsume: HM. I guess² it's good to see you're enthusiastic about IT.

--Or maybe it was that fruitless enthusiasm brought by this proposal that put us in such miserable situaTION. What a nuisaNCE.³

Why in hell did you write this proposAL? We're both terrible at spoRTS.

Sora's for sure okay with iT, but it's obvious this project isn't suitable for the both of uS.

Tsumugi: Ahaha. It's embarrassing to admit, but I guess that was mostly youthful enthusiasm.

Natsume: Surely they weren't aiming for athletic idols on the high roAD⁴, rigHT?

Even with the world upside doWN, that'd never be possibLE. If a world exists where Senpai is considered a high road idOL, I think I'd despaIR.

Tsumugi: Hey, I don't exactly want to be on the high road either, y'know?~ When I was still in fine, I quickly realized being on the high road wasn't for me.

Proof is there. Switch isn't a unit aiming for the high road, after all ♪

Natsume: HaH? Are you saying fine can do what Switch can'T? Are you saying we're not good enouGH?

Tsumugi: Eeh? I never said that!? How am I supposed answer then?…

I just worded it wrongly… I prefer to be an idol close to his fans rather than being far away from them because of popularity.

Natsume: …WeLL, you're only saying thinGS.⁵

Tsumugi: Eeh~… Then how am I supposed to have you trust me?

…Oh? Woah, I immediately got a reply to my email.

Seems like the company's had a lot of projects in the past. I should go make a copy of these documents real quick.

Natsume: You're constantly busy with woRK, aren't yoU? Won't it take too long to go all the way over theRE?

Tsumugi: Hehe, don't worry about it. I have my schedule cleared completely to focus on Switch. I'll get this done when working on tasks later ♪

Natsume: HM… WeLL, you're free to do whatever you waNT, buT--

--Don't return home too laTE. You'll have to be well-rested for Switch work tomorrOW.

Tsumugi: Yes, understood ♪

Ah also, Natsume-kun. If you don't mind, could you read my future with tarot?

Natsume: WhY.

Tsumugi: Why? Well, yesterday, you said you did a reading for Sora-kun, so...

If Sora-kun got his reading, I can have mine from Natsume-kun, too~.... Right? ♪

Natsume: Five hundred trillion yEN.

Tsumugi: H- hey, I can't afford that! And Sora-kun didn't have to pay, did he..?

Natsume: Shut uP. From your positiON, you're in no right to have such an attitUDE.

They're waiting for yOU, so get moviNG.

Tsumugi: You're right. I wanted to see if I could get any good omen, but... I'm sure you know there aren't any bad outcomes on the way.

Alright, I'll get going now. I'll bring lots of references!

Natsume: YeS, yES. Get going alreaDY.

...HmPH. That Senpai made me lose too much tiME.

Why'd he suddenly ask for a tarot reaDING. WeirDO...

......

"Wheel of Fortune"...⁶

...This doesn't feel right.

— 1- i suppose natsume isnt aware of this room?? or at least unfamiliar with it w this hesitation here 2- natsume uses an expression like "though not quite good" or like" more or less" so expressing some kind of condescension…harsh 3- omg here natsume mentions like "this is yakubyogami" who's an evil god believed to enter houses bring disease and misfortune to whoever it meets. i love how dramatic natsume is LOL 4- ok this is kinda hard to explain but its lit. the "royal road", or like a sort of "podium" where the most famous units are or sthn…royal road just sounded a bit eh 5- lit expression is like "you can say whatever with your mouth" which is close to like without actions words dont mean anything or smth like that yk 6- ok here i ABSOLUTELY have to mention this. so this is a tarot card as u might have guessed, and also concerning the separated chapters-- "the tower" is also a tarot card meaning danger, unforeseen change and crisis in a way. and "wheel of fortune" card means a life-changing element, a sudden change in a situation, such as the poor becoming rich or rich becoming poor. GOD I LOVE THIS SM

― ☆ ― ♢ previous chapter ♢ next chapter

✦ masterlist

#enstars #ensemble stars #enstars translation #tsumugi aoba #natsume sakasaki

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

16K notes · View notes

kmclaude · 2 years

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Hey Claude, how are you? Ive been going through months of writer's block, and it seems like I can't find inspiration anywhere. Maybe it's because I'm going through a lot in my non-creative life (which is unusual for me), but it's been more than just frustrating, it's been disheartening. So I was wondering, how do you deal with creative blocks? And what media do you go to for inspiration, if you do? Songs, movies, shows, anything really. This summer been long as hell, and I'd be happy maybe just to find somethin new to fixate on lol --🕊 (@pearlwhitetears)

hiiiii @pearlwhitetears sorry you're struggling!!!! creative blocks are hard and suck, especially when creative stuff is like....your escape/relaxation/relief from noncreative life.

for me i feel like a lot of my creative blocks are usually because i either need some new media to jostle my brain (or some old media that i can enjoy on a 'wow, this actress' choice to do x is really good' type analytical level as opposed to a 'wow i am experiencing this for the first time!!!!!!), i need to approach creativity from another angle (usually by sitting at my little bedroom craft desk and doing traditional artwork or typing away curled in a chair on some story or coding a website -- either way, not at my Drawing On The Computer Desk and not Doing A Computer Drawing), or -- often the hardest -- life is sucking ass right now.

for that last one -- the very Externalized Art Block, the kind of "a lot is going on in my life" sort of blocks -- I find it's...mmm, I don't wanna say self fulfilling prophesy or Sisyphean hell cycle, but it's one of those "life sucks -> try to create -> too stressed to create because life sucks -> despair -> life sucks more now" circles that the pressure TO create just adds another weight, another stressor, that feeds back into the stress of noncreative life.

for those...yeah, fuck, those are hard. hell, I'm literally in the middle of one: this time last year a lot of things happened one after another including my car getting totaled, going to the ER, and a terrible hurricane. then less than a year ago my fiancé left me and i am still absolutely devastated by that (and this would've been our anniversary month so you know...yeah, i’m still recovering emotionally) plus my noncreative jobs' have shifted and, while a good shift, it now requires a LOT more brain power. those stressors, good and bad, all stack and stack and take more and more mental, emotional, and other abilities away from your creative pursuits in order to funnel them towards, well, not falling apart -- which is a good thing! it is! not falling apart is generally good! but all that to say -- yeah! i know what you mean! it's a lot and it's super disheartening and exhausting to feel you can't even create!

what i've found, though, that works for me is finding the small small small wins and taking them. make them real. thought of a way to write a scene you've been stuck on? don't feel you gotta go write it all out right now because then you'll smash your head on your keyboard in a rage when it doesn't work right -- but DO jot down those thoughts real quick on a pad of paper. there! you did it, you did A Creative Thing today, you don't gotta do any more, there's 0 pressure. tomorrow you can take a picture of those notes and email them to yourself or otherwise digitize them. and the next day, hey, maybe you can review the notes and write down any other thoughts. etc. and eventually either those single small things will begin to add up until you find the flow again or by doing your One Little Creative Thing it sparks creating another and another and another until you putter out that day (and it's okay to putter out because hey, you did your ONE thing already!)

like shoot, i still haven't done A Creative Task I Need To Do but I did do a small thing to bring me one step closer to said task. one small thing is better than no thing, you know?

anyway, I think that's generally how I try to tackle them. do a little thing. even if that thing is getting out of your head -- journaling whatever thoughts are swirling around.

as for media i go to...it depends! right now i'm watching dear brother/oniisama e on tubi which is great because it is actually entertaining but also episodes keep you interested without aggressively spilling over so you wind up binging and then losing a day and feeling bad about it. so that's been a good sort of time keeper? usually i try to find something interesting on the various streaming platforms, else, i'll lean on some of my reliable comfort movies (you know, like Takarazuka's Elisabeth: Ai to Shi no Rondo because when I hear COMFORT MOVIE I think Japanese adaptation of Viennese musicals about Empress Elisabeth of Austria having severe depression! fun times!) hell, i rewatched The Ring the other day and was struck by how damn good that film still is, since while i am obsessed with the franchise i haven't rewatched it in yeeeeeears. sometimes it's just rewatching something you love but haven't watched in a bit.

i also have gotten into records if you've got a record player (or apparently now they make cassette players that enable you to convert to digital which is cool, the local record stores also sell beaucoup cassettes) which has lead to finding just random cool stuff as well as also forcing myself into a time lock: you can't exactly skip tracks in a record so you're stuck playing a side through, might as well doodle something or write a letter or knock out an easy task while it plays. it helps! because in part i know when the record ends i can get up and stop (or i can get up and flip it and keep on doing my little tasks but i have a guaranteed out.)

(can you tell for me it's been a lot of 'trick yourself into Doing An Art haha'? but hey it's working so far!)

actual media-wise, here's some things i've either gotten into recently that've been really slamming the 'wow not every day is a total shit and art is a thing that may be fun' endorphins button in my brain as well as some Go To Brain Likey stuff:

Perfect Obedience, a Spanish-language film I just got to see with friends on Sunday that was so so soooo good (warning it's about a priest who molests young seminarians and I mean young as in like...middle schooler): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmlZYsz5i7g

Rammstein's latest album, Zeit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-NUBR2kufw&list=OLAK5uy_kEcSS0IizYOnBcB1V0EpkFWVo87eAtFFw

Elisabeth Ai to Shi no Rondo, 2016 Cosmos Troupe version with English subtitles, which 20 bucks says will get copyright strike'd soon but if you like rock operas, ladies, and distracting pretty things, hey!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj0XN3ibpiI

The German-language version of Elisabeth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr8z-yyGqF8

The Hunchback of Notre Dame Musical Studio Recording, because look ok look....look....look i love patrick page: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_kxStpxNrNAtPKNFl8mgwFBUIQqLBBAjKQ

At one point last year I had Hadestown on repeat so uh yeah hope you like musicals because that apparently is my go-to, sorry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kwg1mswuxzY

Oniisama e (found ep 1 on YT lol) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQbvy9Nr9fQ

Oingo Boingo's farewell concert is such a banger: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnEkodpneqI

idk man idk i basically throw a lot at the wall that is my brain and hope something sticks. i'm also someone who will listen to one thing on repeat forever OR open spotify and start digging through the algorithmic recommendations off of bands i like until i find something new that punches the feel good button of my brain. it's a fight between COMFORT COMFORT COMFORT FOOD U KNOW AND LOVE and IF I DONT GET A NEW STIMULI RIGHT NOW IWILL LITERALLY UNALIVE

so. yeah. lol. god i hope any of that helps.

#kmclaudereplies #kmclaudereplies to ask #pearlwhitetears

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lia-jones · 2 years

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Resistance - Evol: Chapter 24 - Deadlock

Author's note: I'm sorry for the late posting, but here I am now! I hope you like these chapters, they were so fun to write! Also, heads-up, I won't be posting next week, I will have a very busy weekend, but I shall return on the 20th!

Email from: Victor <[email protected]>To: MeSubject: Victor Lee has invited you to a meeting

Good evening,

Please find enclosed the agenda for tomorrow’s meeting with the Maori company. Your presence is mandatory.

Best regards,

Victor LeeCEO at LFG

If I was home, he would soon be coming through the front door, his eyes still on his phone finishing some task. Owen would hear him coming and give the alarm, running to the door and throwing himself in his arms. The sound of laughter as Victor picked him up from the floor would make me laugh as well, my eyes on the kitchen door, waiting for him to enter, suit jacket draped in his arm, while his other hand undid his tie. He would walk silently, and I would know how his day was, even if we hadn’t spoken since that morning.

If his day was good, he would walk right up to me and take me in his arms, the jacket forgotten somewhere, kissing me passionately. I would look up to him and I would see him smile, a smug glimmer in his eyes, proud of a job well done. If his day was bad he would walk slowly, peck me on the forehead and lean on my shoulder, while I felt the tension in his shoulder slowly melt as I wrapped my arms around him. I would look up and read the exhaustion on his face, but his eyes would tell me he was mostly mad at himself for not achieving what he wanted, yet adamant on getting it. Brushing his bangs aside with the tip of my fingers and a soft smile, I would say the words we always said when it was time for the other to vent.

“We need a drink.”

“Margot said you came to see me.” He simply stated, as he filled two shot glasses with the tequila he had brought.

“You were with Mia.”

“You’re my wife. You’re entitled to enter my office at any time, if you need me.”

“Just not entitled to the truth.” I downed the shot glass, the tequila warming inside me.

“You have your reasons to be mad, but-.”

“I know what you are going to say.” I interrupted him. “That all you wanted was to protect me, that it was a difficult subject that you didn’t know how to address, that in the end, you did share it all with me. And I thank you for that. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to recall all those memories and share them with me, but you still lied.”

“I had no choice.” He gave me a hurt look. “I couldn’t tell you.”

“No, Victor, you always had a choice.” I shook my head, looking down. “You just chose the easy way.”

“The easy way? How can you think any of this was easy? Fine, imagine I would in fact do what you are demanding of me right now. I would tell you I had an Evol, even though I had no way to prove it. Would you believe me?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know because you never did it! But…” I felt my eyes fill with tears. “I wouldn’t have denied you. I would have stayed with you, even if I thought you were crazy, I would have held your hand and helped you through it.”

“You’re denying me right now.”

I recognized the car the moment I saw it. The elegant black sedan, parked in front of Owen’s school. I held my breath as I watched the door open, Victor emerging from it, his poker face morphing into a happy one the second he laid eyes on his son.

“Dad!” Owen released my hand, running up to his father.

“Hey!” Victor wrapped his arms tight around our child, lifting him from the ground.

“What are you doing here?” Owen giggled, his arms still wrapped around his neck.

“I came to say hi, see how you were doing.” He gave me a sheepish look. “I know this is your week, but-”

“It’s ok, I don’t mind.” I did my best to smile. “It makes him happy.”

“I have to go, though.” Owen pouted. “I have gym class and I still need to change. The teacher doesn’t like it when we’re late.”

“It’s alright, I knew my window was small anyway.” He put him down, ruffling his hair. “You’re doing well?”

“Yes, I am.” Owen grinned, taking his schoolbag from my hands. “ I gotta go! Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!”

I watched my son at a distance, running beyond the iron gates.

“I’ll see you soon.” I nodded to Victor, preparing to leave.

“You walked here?”

“It’s not far from the hotel. Owen likes to walk to school, we get to chat a bit.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“I-”

“It will look less suspicious if we arrive together.”

I hesitated.

“You’re coming to the meeting.”

I frowned, unsure if he was asking or telling me.

“I need you.” He continued.

I looked into his eyes, not knowing what to say. They suddenly turned cold.

“This is your client. You were the one who started the negotiations. Or is this another one of the responsibilities you are going to shirk off?”

I don’t know what finally made me move, love or guilt. Before I knew it, I was getting into his car.

The ride was silent at first, none of us knowing exactly what to say. What kind of topic should be discussed while plunging a knife into someone’s heart? I looked at his left hand holding the steering wheel and then at his right hand, laying softly on the gear shaft. He was still wearing his wedding ring, but his bracelet was gone. Maybe because he was mad at me for leaving. Maybe because it clashed with his suit. Maybe because he had given up. It was the second time I was doing this. Maybe I had killed the flame for good.

“How long do you plan to stay at the hotel?” His deep voice filled the silence. “Owen needs a home.”

And there it was, my answer. He was telling me to look for an apartment. A place of my own, that Owen could also call home. He was giving up.

I internally kicked myself for being so stupid. I had asked for time to get my thoughts in order, to decide what to do with my life, what this marriage meant to me after all that had happened. It had never occurred to me that Victor got to decide too. And I couldn’t blame him. I had made my choice. Now he was making his.

“I was thinking about calling my old tenant.” I lied. “Maybe get back to my old place, or see if he has a bigger apartment in the building. I like that area, it feels like home.”

Victor pursed his lips, his eyes focused on the road. He pressed his foot harder on the gas pedal. I sighed in relief. I couldn’t wait to get out of that car.

“My job at LCG… It wasn’t about my abilities at all, was it? Or to meet a need the company had. You just wanted to keep me close because Lucien came to see me. Someone that came from your past with Mia.”

“I gave you the job because I knew you could do it. Because I knew you were the best at it.”

“But I’m not wrong, am I?”

“Why is it so hard for you to understand?” He gave me a pleading look. “I couldn’t allow you to get hurt. What good would it do that you knew all that happened, all the evil that there is in this world? I was trying to protect you!”

“So it was just better to leave me in the dark? To let me believe I was dying with a degenerative disease, even though you knew I wasn’t? Can you imagine the torture that was for me?”

“You think that wasn’t torture for me as well? Knowing you were believing a hurtful lie, but that the truth was only worse?”

“We said we were in this together!” I raised my voice, tears pooling in my eyes. “We promised, no matter what, we would always be in this together! But we’re not!”

“Because you won’t let me near you!” He held my shoulders, a desperate look in his eyes. “I’m trying to get closer, to support you, but you avoid me, you evade every advance, you keep me as far as you can! Andrea, no matter what happens, we are in this together. I’m here, right by your side.”

He pulled me into his arms, holding me with all his strength.

“How can you not see it?” The painful whisper vibrated in my ears. “I would do anything for you.”

“It’s you who is not seeing it.” I pushed him back. “All that you’ve done… It wasn’t for me. It was for her.”

Overall, we did a pretty good job at pretending everything was as usual. No matter what would happen between us, Victor and I always had good chemistry, professionally and personally, and even when things were awkward the conversation went fluently… provided it wasn’t a sensitive topic. The meeting with the Maori representatives went well, so we followed it with a staff meeting to discuss the next course of action, which prompted me to have another meeting with my own team to set up tasks. One company alone, although it was a big enterprise, had swallowed most of my morning.

It hadn’t been hard to avoid Victor the last couple of weeks without raising suspicions, with the conclusion of my study. I was forced to work most of the time at the University, tying the remaining lose ends. For my team at LCG, it was only natural that I would spend most time away from the office, I was spending it with my other team. I was already getting texts from Olive, asking when I would be back, as I was getting ready to leave LCG.

“Do you need a ride?” The familiar baritone voice came from the door.

“I’ll just call a cab, it’s fine.” I continued gathering my things, not wanting to look Victor in the eyes.

“You’re going to the University.” He stated. “My next appointment is nearby. I can drive you.”

Another awkward car drive? No thanks. But of course, Mr. Lee wouldn’t take a no for an answer.

“I insist.”

The softness in his voice made me look up. Despite his words, he wasn’t demanding, he was pleading. There was a vulnerability in his expression, the one that showed me his walls were down despite his fear of me hurting him. That expression would get me every. Single. Time.

“Do you mind if we make a short stop before I drop you?” He threw casually.

“What for?”

“I could use your opinion on something.”

When you share a life with someone, at least as intensely and lovingly as Victor and I did, it’s like that person becomes a part of you, even without you noticing. Every step in your life is taken with that person in consideration, coordinating yourself with them, because you can’t help but work in unison. Being without that person is like typing with one hand behind your back: It’s feasible, but it’s difficult and awkward. I could see where Victor was coming from. Even separated, if faced with a tough decision, I would ask for his opinion too.

He stopped his car by the gates of a large private condominium, stating his name through the intercom. The gates opened immediately. I frowned at him, wondering what he needed my opinion for.

It was an apartment. A big modern one, if I may say. I went inside, looking around. It was modern and bright, with large windows coming from the ceiling to the floor.

“The realtor says the floors are brazilian pecan wood, except for the bathrooms.” Victor spoke from behind me. “It has four bedrooms, all of them with private bathrooms and a study.”

“There’s a small balcony here.” I spoke from the kitchen. “You could plant your herbs there.”

“It’s also close to Owen’s school.” He added with a nod. “You said he likes to walk to school.”

“Oh and he will love this.” I looked outside the window.

Behind the building, there was a large park with an artificial pond, grass, monkey bars and swings. A place where Victor could spend some time with Owen and unwind. I could easily picture both of them after a long day, sitting in the grass or playing together. And then it dawned on me. Victor was leaving his old apartment behind, our apartment, our life, and was starting something new, accommodating for our child. I was still angry at him for lying, I wasn’t sure if I could trust him again, but part of me hoped I would have the time to get my thoughts in order and come back. I didn’t ask for a divorce, I asked for time to think. But I was taking too long, and proud as he was, Victor wouldn’t wait. He was restarting his life without me. I did my best to swallow my emotions and turn to him with a smile.

“I think it’s beautiful. Owen will love it.” I looked him in the eyes, decided to support him. “You should buy it.”

“Then it’s settled.” He sighed, placing the keys in my hand. “It’s yours.”

I blinked.

“What?”

“You said you were house hunting. And I know you probably wouldn’t have the time to do it yourself so I spoke to my realtor and he had this one available. It will take a few days to sign all the required paperwork, but you can move in as soon as you want. I’ll wire him the signal right away.”

“You’re not buying me an apartment.”

“I’m buying you and our son an apartment.” Besides, it makes no sense to move across town to that old decrepit building you used to live in. This apartment is closer to school and to my apartment.”

“Well, maybe Owen could go to a public school next year.” I defied him, feeling a little angry. “It makes no sense to pay so much for a private school. Loveland’s public schools are pretty good.”

“You’d have him change schools without my consent? Drag him away from his friends and hobbies, just so you could be near that Lewis guy?”

I froze. How could I have been so stupid? I mentioned my old building, and yes, Levi lived there, across from my old place. There it was again. Victor was pulling strings in my life, planning things in the background, because he didn’t want me close to Levi.

“You know, all of this just proves that leaving was the right decision.” I spoke with a low voice.

The painful look he gave me almost shut me up. Almost. Rage spoke louder.

“You do not get to control my life!” I yelled. “You do not get to decide things behind my back, and then just act as if you are helping me, when in fact you are just helping yourself!”

“I do get a say where my son lives. I am his father.” He answered bitterly.

“If you want to get a say in things, discuss them with me first! I am willing to listen as long as you are!” I shook my head. “But this? This is despicable, Victor, the very proof that you won’t change, the secrets won’t change, that you will do as you please behind my back with no remorse, as long as it takes you where you want to be. You are the father of my child, Victor, but you do not own me.”

“I was only trying to help!”

“Were you? Fine.” I handed him the keys to the apartment. “Will you take those for me then? I have no use for them. And while you’re at it, stick them where the sun doesn’t shine.”

I know, not my finest moment. I stormed out of the apartment, and headed to the elevator, leaving Victor behind. I was already at the entrance of the building, taking my phone out to call an Uber, when I heard him again.

“Andrea!”

I continued walking, not wanting to hear another word from him. I was so furious I could smack him. I felt a hand grab my arm, pulling me back forcefully. Before I could even register it, I was facing Victor.

“Will you stop it already?” He gritted through his teeth. “The school just called.”

My fury was suddenly gone.

“Is something wrong with Owen?”

“He got into some trouble.” His expression softened, turning into a worried one. “I told him I would go, but they insisted you were there as well. Whatever it is-”

“It’s serious.” I nodded. “Let’s go.”

“Why can’t you just let it go? Mia is in the past, it’s long gone! She is not my wife, you are! You will always be my number one priority. You’re the one I love.”

“She is not in the past! The very foundations of our relationship are based on Mia! The place where you proposed to me, that very same place was opened in her honor! It’s like I’m not my own person, I’m just her replacement!”

“I can’t erase my past, Andrea. I can't change who I was.”

“Who you are, Victor.” I corrected him. “Who you still are. And she is not in the past, she is very in the present. She is the reason I got sick in the first place.”

I could see the frustration building inside him, so much so that he got up again, walking around the study, trying to steady his anger.

“Do you think this is just petty jealousy? I admit it was at first, but do you want to know how it really felt like when I saw Mia today?”

Victor watched me, his breath deep and fast, waiting for my answer.

“It felt like this life that I have belongs to her. That it should be her here instead of me. That she would get this life instead if I had gone to that orphanage and died there. I felt like all that I have, all that I thought I had amounted to for myself, my career, my marriage, my family… Damn, even my personal story! They are all lies.”

“Our marriage is a lie to you? How can you say that?”

“How can I be sure? You asked me to trust you blindly while lying to my face!”

He grabbed my face, his kiss showing me his passion, but also his rage. When he finally released me, I was panting.

“Did that feel like a lie to you?” He pressed his forehead against mine with a penetrating gaze. Defying me.

“Owen is in the nurse’s station.” The teacher walked with us. “The other boy is with the Principal, along with his parents.”

I have to admit I was listening to half of what she was saying. My boy, I needed to make sure my boy was ok. I couldn’t wait to have him in my arms.

“Owen!” I ran to him the moment I saw him, sitting on a gurney. “Are you ok?”

I was so focused on him I didn’t even notice the teacher leaving the room.

“Mom…” He teared up as he held me. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, I’m sure this wasn’t your fault.” I pecked his hair. “Just like the geode thing.”

“The teacher said you got into a fight.” Victor intervened. “What was that all about?”

“He was bullying me!”

“That’s it.” I marched to the door. “That young man is going to hear from me.”

“Wait.” Victor’s hand landed on my shoulder, steadying me. “Let’s hear it from Owen first. What happened?”

“It was Michael, from my class. I told him you weren’t getting a divorce, but he kept saying you were, and that Mom would have a new boyfriend, and you would have a girlfriend, and those are all lies!” Owen's face got red as his hair. “I told him it was an experiment! He wouldn’t shut up about it, and then he called me an idiot, so I punched him. Split his lip open.”

“Owen…” I was in total shock.

“Gentlemen use words, not fists, Owen.” Victor chimed in.

“I know, I apologize.” Owen looked down.

“You’ll have to apologize to your friend for your behavior.” I told him.

“I already did. But I will again.”

“And you will honorably accept whatever punishment you get.” Victor completed.

“I will.” He looked up, his eyes brimming with tears. “I’m really sorry.”

“I know you are, honey.” I hugged him, sharing with Victor a worried look.

“He’s wrong, isn’t he?” Owen glanced at me, then at Victor. “You’re not getting a divorce, are you?”

“What you are feeling…” He whispered, unwilling to let me go. “It’s survivor's guilt. I had it too. It’s not your fault that all those children died and you lived.”

“What you went through…” I broke down crying.

“It’s not your fault.” He caressed my hair. “And it’s not mine either. It took me years and a stubborn portuguese woman to finally accept it. And if going through all that helped in some way to keep you safe, if my experience kept them distracted enough so they wouldn’t look for other children, for you, then it was all worth it.”

“Don’t say that!” I tried to push him away again. He wouldn’t let me.

“I will not let you go, Andrea.” He pulled me back against him. “I will hold you for as long as you need, I will do what it takes to release you from your pain. I will be right here beside you, putting all your pieces back together, until I have my wife back again.”

“Your wife is gone, Victor.” I looked him in the eye. “She disappeared with the sand that night. I don’t know what’s left.”

There was a knock at the door, breaking my focus on my work. I looked at the clock, it was 10 pm. Who could it be at this time?

“I know I should’ve called first…” He started. “I was worried about him.”

“Scotch?” I turned to the living room, leaving the door open.

“Yes, please.”

I sat on the sofa, placing two glasses on the table, filling them with liquor.

“Thank you.” He sat on the sofa opposite to me. “Did he mention…”

“I didn’t tell him yet.” I blurted out. “I mean, we still haven’t decided what we want to do.”

“What you want to do.” He corrected me. “What I want hasn’t changed.”

“You were trying to buy me a house just this afternoon. You told me I should find a house for myself in the car this morning.”

“If I recall correctly, I told you Owen needed a home, not that you needed an apartment. And you have a home, you just don’t want to live in it. You’d rather be with Lawrence, back at your old apartment.”

“You’re an idiot.” I stated.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re an absolute idiot! Who do you think I am? Do you think I would throw myself in the arms of someone else, just like that? Do you think that was why I left?”

“Why did you leave then?”

“Because for the first time in my life, I’m not entirely sure I can trust you! Because I don’t know if I really belong in your life, or just filling someone else’s space! I wish it was because I didn’t love you, because it wouldn’t hurt as much! Because I do, Victor, I love you more than any man I have ever met, and I’ll probably never stop loving you. And I miss you, every second of every minute of every hour. And you lied to me. And that…” I blinked a few tears away. “You might have just ripped my heart out. It would hurt a lot less.”

Victor was looking right back at me, a turmoil of emotions in his eyes. He took his glass and downed it, placing it on the coffee table with a loud thud.

“You’re a hypocrite.” He said, getting up.

“What?”

“I lied, so you refuse to believe I love you. Yet you left, and you expect me to know you love me?”

I sat there, not knowing what to say. He took the keys from his pocket, placing them next to his empty glass.

“The apartment is yours, you can move whenever you want.” His eyes were cold. “You won’t accept any money from me, at least let me provide for my son this way, by giving him a proper home.”

I heard the click of the door closing. It somehow always ends with one.

“I need time to think, I need time to figure things out.”

He moved to take my hand.

“Away from you.” I continued, and he immediately retracted. “I’m sorry, Victor, I can’t keep doing this. I need to figure out who I am alone.”

“You’re leaving me?”

“I’m taking some time apart.” I focused my eyes on the carpet, afraid that the look on his face would make me lose my nerve. “When I was with Daniel… He consumed me. He made me forget who I was, that I was my own person. And I know you are not Daniel, but somewhere down the line, I have lost myself. All the things I believed to be real, they are all lies. I need to figure out what’s true.”

“Away from me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What about Owen?”

“I’m not leaving my son. But he is your son too. I’m sure we can figure out something.”

“Fine.” He got up, leaving the study. I followed him the moment I heard the sound of him grabbing his keys.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I understand what you need to do.” His voice was hoarse. “And I respect your decision. If you think you should leave, just leave. But don’t ask me to be here to watch you go.”

He closed the door behind him. None of us said goodbye. There was just the click of the door closing, putting an end to it.

#mlqc li zeyan #mlqc victor #victor mldd #love and producer fanfic #victor mlqc #growingtogether #mister love queens choice #victor x oc #love and producer #mlqc fanfic #mldd victor #li zeyan

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exd1000 · 11 days

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Day 4

Okay so just went for a ~3 mile jog with Benj. I feel good need to do more cardio to lose fat because apparently lagree is just making me stronger haha. Emailed about my application status this morning and just got a response now that they rescheduled some interviews with other candidates and will make the decision this week lmao. I felt so brave and proud of myself initially for inquiring regardless of rejection and I mean I still feel that way but let me just take some time to take in the response. Nothing negative I'm sure I'll be fine regardless just taking the information in. Gonna do some work work (an hour on the timer) before my meeting today and also asking for the 24th off to go to Houston with W to help her with her work. Excited because that'll be nice to go (even though it's to work haha)!

Additionally, to take my physical health more seriously and because I want to be more intentional about being fit and getting my "dream body" I'm going to have to start being more mindful about my eating habits. I will start breakfast with a protein bar, banana/apple/etc, cereal/oatmeal/yogurt, smoothie, eggs/bread/avocado for at least 200 calories then eat a decent size lunch and just skip dinner because I think for the most part I'm fine after lagree. But I will need to get more little snacks like fruits/veggies throughout the day if anything. I also need to prioritize getting enough sleep more as well. Need to figure that out somehow. But that is it for now!

To do:

Data analysis for work manuscript

Graphwalk analysis

Python (& pandas) practice

Go over data structures and their methods

Look into phd stuff

It's currently 10pm right now and I am exhausted. Lagree was good. I ate a lot today made ground beef nachos with greek yogurt today (that was nice/fun to make on the spot) also had my avocado cilantro lime salad earlier this morning. Anyway, need to continue doing more data analysis stuff for work as well as for the graphwalk project. I was just working on python/pandas stuff and I've been skipping over reading the lessons and just jumping into problem solving but reading the lessons really help haha. I also found an article that I'm really intrigued am interested in so need to read that tomorrow.

Things I learned:

Today I learned that |= means merge ('|')and update ('|=') for dictionaries so that's cool. It's essentially like the .update() method and takes the values() of the second dictionary.

Tomorrow:

Data analysis for work (extract visually understandable figures)

Graphwalk analysis

Read the research article

Python (&pandas) practice

#studyblr #studyspo #challenges #2024

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thebubblyai · 18 days

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Life Update

Hey, future me (I know I’ll come back to this post when things are better, and I’ll probably laugh at how cringy I sound). Writing a blog post to myself might seem a bit strange, I could just write my thoughts in my phone note or write an email to my future self. But hey, I’m doing what feels right, so here’s my life update from May 6th, 2024. Life… it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Just two days ago, I got hit with some pretty shocking news, and, honestly, I couldn’t help but let out a few tears. Even though it’s been ages since I last cried over life stuff, that day just got to me. I know crying won’t magically fix things, but it’s my way of letting out all the stress I've been keeping to myself. I’ve been praying so hard, asking Allah for some peace of mind and a smoother way ahead to achieve my goals. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not dwelling in sadness or feeling miserable right now. But man, I turned 27 this year, been trying to be a proper adult, while working hard chasing after those big dreams of mine, plus, dealing with the mess COVID left behind? It’s not an easy work (heeheee).

Anyway, I’m trying my best to take things one day at a time, not letting stuff I can’t control stress me out too much. And you know what? There’s still plenty of good stuff going on in my life right now. Whether it’s getting obsessed over my current favourite K-drama (although I already know I’m gonna feel lost and experience post-series depression syndrome once it’s over), catching up with old friends, or making new friends with people who just get me, who have the same way of thinking as me, there’s always something to smile about. And I’m beyond grateful that my family and friends are doing well in life and that they are healthy too. After my mom’s heart troubles from 2022 to 2023, her surgery earlier this year was a success, alhamdulillah. As for me, I’m set on getting back into my exercise routine, starting with a morning run tomorrow. Work’s as always full of deadlines and ideas block and so little time, but somehow I’m still managing to find the inspiration to design those websites for clients, especially when the pressure’s on hahahaha.

All in all, despite the drizzle, there’s still a lot to be thankful for. Even if I don’t always understand why Allah makes me go through what I'm going through right now, I’m positive that things will work out for the best because Allah's plan is the best plan. And even if it’s a bit stormy now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a bright, shiny rainbow. Just gotta keep giving it my all. I hope I will never lose hope and always be positive in facing things in my life, just like now, I hope that I continue to be the hardworking person who is always eager to be better and learn new things each day.

Oh, before I forget, let me drop my current jam here: Lizzy McAlpine's “I Guess.”

Alright, time for bed, I’m exhausted and in serious need of some deep sleep.

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

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jamesrecords · 18 days

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Those mild annoyances are piling up.

I came home after an INCREDIBLY busy week hoping to get some rest and I'm immediately greeted by "you need to do xyz and you're ungrateful and I've been doing all the work-" like I haven't been working my ass off??? Like I haven't been running between job interviews and volunteering and social events and emails and applications and chores like my life depends on it. Like this hasn't been an incredibly busy and stressful week for me. Like I haven't been dragged from shopping to stress to loud noises to late nights to low bank account notifications. I really wanted to break down crying. I thought I was getting a break. I was wrong.

And now there's more loud sounds and dogs barking and hunger and anger and this is just the surface. This is just my life. This doesn't even touch the fucking genocide happening in the world and the fact that nobody in my family seems to care except me. This doesn't scratch making fun of protestors who get arrested. This doesn't even get close to the fact that I know people in real life who have lost family and you're making fun of it.

I am hungry. I am tired. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm angry and frustrated and annoyed and stressed and I can't express those feelings right now. Because we have people over making loud noises and you're working and cousin is doing whatever the fuck. But you need me here tomorrow with the loud sounds and you need me to behave today and you need me to run around and tear myself to pieces and it's so loud I can't even think.

But I'll put on a smile and pretend it's okay because you're stressed too and don't want to hear shit from me right now. Because you can handle the loud sounds and everything else and so should I. Because you're better than me.

Just leave me the fuck alone.

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nancypullen · 6 months

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I Did It Again

I ended that last blog post with "until tomorrow", forgetting that I'd have a house full of crazy for the weekend. The Edgewater gang arrived Friday after school and the grandgirl kept me entertained through Saturday. We looked through toy catalogs wondering what Santa might bring (costumes, lots of costumes). We painted and heavily glittered a wooden Christmas tree for her to give to her other grandma in Tennessee. She'll be down there for Thanksgiving so she might as well arrive bearing gifts, right? We played many hours of "Princess School" (Grancy's trick for practicing reading), an equal amount of time with Barbies and, of course, fairies. We read several books and explored places on her globe. Time well spent. It could also explain why I slept like I was in a coma last night. Anywho, fun weekend and now I'm prepping for Matthew to come home for Thanksgiving. He'll arrive Saturday and depart the following Saturday. I can't wait! I always get excited when Matt comes home because when we're together weird things happen. Sometimes it's a kooky encounter with someone, sometimes it's natural phenomena, sometimes it's just something we screw up that becomes hilarious. Whatever it is, I enjoy it. Also, I'm looking forward to roasting the bird and making all of those forbidden, fattening side dishes. None of us need them but we all want them. I finished designing our Xmas cards and ordered those, I was able to stack two coupons and get them for over 50% off. Score! I'm browsing websites, hoping to find the perfect birthday gift for my dear sister. I want it to be special. What do you get the gal that has everything? A purse to put it in? Nah. It has to be more special than that. No one on my Christmas list seems to know what they want to find under the tree. That makes it very hard to give sweet surprise to the people you love. I want to make everybody happy, and make Christmas merry, but I also don't want to waste money buying things that won't be used, worn, or read, ya' know? We're all of an age where we like what we like and it's often hard to choose for another.

Don't even get me started on my mother. She'll be 88 in March, is probably in better shape than I am, stays active mentally and physically, and doesn't need a darn thing. She doesn't want her house cluttered with "stuff", and would probably prefer to choose her own things anyway. You'd think that paying for a service might be a good idea - yard service (she's got one, but still does most of the work herself), maid service (she wouldn't allow it), meal deliveries (she'd tell me she's perfectly capable of making her own meals, and she is)...and I don't think she wants to be a member of any fruit of the month or jam of the month clubs. She's a voracious reader, but chooses her own books. I usually resort to getting her a gift card for books, and then various small things that I think she might enjoy. I always make a big batch of Cranberry Noel cookies for her, and at least I know she likes those. But what small things does she need this year...new slippers? a warm robe? She's not your typical 87/88 year old, so she's not a candidate for any of those "elder helper" gadgets. She's loaded, so she doesn't need monetary gifts. It's looking more and more like she'll be getting a kitten from me. I mean, isn't that the perfect gift? It's what I'd like for every holiday. Just kidding, I'd never give a pet as a gift unless it was specifically requested. Please don't email me. I'm at a loss, so I guess I'll just wing it. Seems like every year I am less on my game for the holidays. I used to have a plan of attack and exhausted myself making everything pretty, sparkly, delicious, and merry. Is this normal? Did I burn out? I still want everything to be perfect, I just don't seem to have the drive. Part of it probably has to do with living in Denton. Nowhere to shop, not much is decorated, no holiday music playing on hidden speakers in mall parking lots, etc. - no cheer! There will be one small Christmas tree lot at the fire station, proceeds go to the volunteer fire department. Ridgley will have a Christmas festival that will be so dark you can hardly se your hand in front of your face. I'm hoping that we can go to Chestertown's Dickens Christmas Festival. I'll have a hard time not comparing it to the one we used to go to in Franklin. Still, it should be fun. I refuse to become a Grinch because of geography. I'm Team Whoville!

In other news, I'm scheduled for my flu shot and Covid booster on Wednesday. Hopefully that'll make me bulletproof. Even better, Centreville (about 20 miles from us) has opened a brand spankin' new YMCA with a POOL! They've got water aerobics, Zumba classes, an indoor walking track and all sorts of stuff. It all sounds very promising. We're going to go over and check it out. Because we're old it's a pretty cheap monthly fee. I'm sure if we join that's when the library will finally call and offer me a job. I may have finally found a way to fill my time and get some exercise. I should probably stress to the library that I'd really like that tasty part-time position. Alright, I won't subject you to any more of my rambling, disjointed thoughts. Just thought I'd check-in. Maybe I'll have something of interest to share tomorrow, but so far my plans are to pull up a bunch of stonecrop and replace it with some of the mums I bought this fall. I can't imagine that will make for an exciting blog post unless I accidentally uncover a next of hornets or something. Let's all hope that doesn't happen. I'm off to have a little dinner and catch up on some true crime viewing. I'll meet you back here tomorrow. Until then, stay safe, stay well, and send some Christmas spirit my way! XOXO, Nancy

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