#dont let them lie to you THEYRE ALL REBLOGS!!!!!!!!

[cintipede]

1000 posts it says ive done... cheers to 1000 posts of being a small jester

#dont let them lie to you THEYRE ALL REBLOGS!!!!!!!! #but i pride myself on them.. theyre quite good... #THE LADIES LOVE ME FOR MY FAIL REBLOG TAGS #honestlay i should post more asides from a wave of rbs every week #The Flood is when i accumulate enough shit i want to rb and shrug silly and say ill do it later #and like i dont for weeks #and then BOOM!!!!!!!!! i have tag 500 posts #I HAVE TO TAG** meow #which isnt an obligation but i love leaving silly positive comments on art and things.. #love and positivity and joy in the world ect.. #its my full time job #eep txt #<- ​SHOULD I CHANGE THIS DAMN TAG im lazy.. #but but if i want to see me talking more (NO ONE WANTS THAT!!!!!!! BOOOOOOO TOMATO) check out my twt wink #i post more txt there bc i looove talking all the time #esp on my priv i dont shut my ass up ever there #could get into a car crash and the last thing anyone would hear from me would be like OMG GUYS IS THE CAR SPINNING!!!!!!!!!! #and then i DIE. FOREVER #quite funny... tbh id do it for real #communications

[enhaheeseung]

HI! i still need to read your most recent fic, ill do that after i send this and give my feedback through my reblog <3. but you asked why we like those works so much so.. (im not sure if you really wanted a response but im here to give you one anyway!!!)

for train ride home, the way it was literally so corrupt but also so gentle really like 🧍🏾‍♀️🧍🏾‍♀️ made me speechless tbh. just the way you wrote him as a character. ive never read anything with that particular theme but its honestly one of my favorite things and maybe a small fantasy of mine... so to see it written about someone i think about quite often was really great. it also made me feel a little less weird about enjoying something like that.

for best friends, i really enjoy just the over all theme. its very much something i would do. the whole making a "mistake" and then pulling back. i think it was really relatable but also just the way you captured the jealousy of heeseung. the way that he got mad when the reader tried to do the same things he does. i genuinely wanted to smack him when he got all pissy over her wanting to go talk to the dude, but im glad he didnt let her.

for darling, i think i said this in my reblog but the end made my oral fixation go crazy. i write a little bit but theres a few things that im a bit nervous to write about, that being one of them. im not sure why, but like the whole falling asleep with it in your mouth thing makes me weak in the knees lmao

but overall i just really enjoy your work. while we obviously dont know heeseung in that particular light, i think that you write him in way that makes me think "oh yeah this makes sense" or "i could see him doing something like that". this makes reading so much more enjoyable cuz i feel like some people write without really connecting the theme/content with the person theyre writing for.

Thank you for the response cause I was dead serious😳

So first off

Ngl with train ride home I literally thought about what other girls fantasize about if that makes sense I did absolutely no research btw lol it’s just kinda a pattern that I see from other stories and themes geared towards the female audience so I kinda went off of that bad guy good girl vibe like obviously I didn’t use that theme but I’m using that as an example so for instance it’s kinda like you want a bad but good boy, so like a perv and a gentleman if anyone even understands what I’m trying to say you’d think I’d be good with words but here we are 🤡

Moving on

Best friends was just something I made on the spot with a ton of editing in between when I wrote his character for that I wanted to capture that uncertainty that so many men have when it comes to relationships as well as the female character being so in love with him that she kinda just takes what she can get and ends up making mistakes and hurting herself even more than he has I’ve seen this happen so many times before just without the happy ending and I also made his character with traits like a lot of guys In friendships where he kinda got the best of both worlds having a female best friend and girls on the side but he never really felt complete without the female lead

And last but not least

Darling there’s not much to say not gonna lie to you I was just in a moody mood when I wrote that it’s pretty short but definitely gets the point across if you’re into that kind of thing I’m glad you feel less weird about liking those things cause to me it’s not weird at all and just so you know I know more people that are into that than I can count on fingers with both hands

love that you mentioned being nervous to post some things cause so am I like there are themes I made but they will never see the light of day just cause they are a bit out there and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable plus y’all don’t need to know everything that goes on in this brain of mine

I do try to go outside the box with my writing I don’t read a lot of fanfics but I think a lot of my concepts and writing style has not been done before so I try to spice things up and keep it interesting I incorporate a lot of smut but I feel like In some of my stories I built a foundation that will make readers comeback or ask for a part 2 cause even though there’s smut in it I developed the characters well enough to where you want to see more little off topic but stories like “angel” or “train ride home” are themes I’ve never seen done before that and everyone seemed to really enjoy those so my mind runs miles trying to come up with new ideas

As for the way I write heeseung it’s just literally all the fantasies I have about him tbh I write him exactly how I think about him😌

Also this was really fun responding to actually like I wouldn’t mind going into more detail about my plots if anyone is interested kinda felt like a mini interview and I just love answering questions

Sorry this is so long without any punctuation forgive me😞

#enhypen heeseung #enhypen #lee heeseung #heeseung #engene #enha heeseung #enhypen hard hours #enhypen smut #heeseung smut #asks #inbox

[boypussydilf]

top three with. doctor who. talk about the silly little doctors Now

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tbh id kind of forgotten i reblogged that

3 male characters I love:

JAMIE MCCRIMMON MY BEST FRIEND

12th doctor. the doctor is never male and i like them in general but 12 is probably my favorite

um. uh. um. um. uhhhhhh. christ theres GOTTA be someone i like more than mickey or rory i mean theyre good but theyre not top favorites. WILF. RIGHT. WILF. WILFRED MOTT. GRANDPA WIN

3 female characters I love:

ACE!!!!!!!!

DONNA NOBLE!!!!!!!!!

Ahh god. Fuck. Theres too many I could put here. uhmmm. Ok im going to say rose tyler. She MIGHT. have a slight edge over bill potts. but ouuugghh i love bill. im not sure,. one of them. WAIT WHAT ABOUT MISSY. theres too many incredible women and girls in doctor who. If i had to pick one ummmm i guess I’ll say rose though. she’s classic

3 romantic ships I love:

the doctor and the master whatever the fuck they have going on

2/jamie this clown and scottish dude are gay as hell

uhhh. yeah lets say doctorrose. they too are classic

(Honorary mention to Ace and all of her Girlfriends Of The Week <3)

3 platonic dynamics I love:

TEN & DONNA!!!!!!!!!! OUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH *POWERS UP*

probably seven & ace… uncledadpa moments

christ i had something a second ago and then i lost it. why are amy and rory suddenly all i can think of THEY ARE MARRIED. ok i think im gonna say 11 & amy not a big fan of…. ALL the ways they were written in the show…… but the overarching concept of. to the doctor amy is always the little girl he accidentally left behind and he needs to make it up to her & to amy the doctor is always her childhood imaginary friend and they’re both trying to live in a fairytale and it is NOT actually ideal for them. It’s good

3 favorite moments in canon:

OUT OF SIXTY FUCKING YEARS OF TELEVISION?!?!?!?!?!?! ok lightning round off the top of my head

the scene in the unicorn and the wasp where the doctor gets cyanide poisoned and has to play charades with donna and agatha christie to try and tell them what he needs

in the god complex where the doctor amy and rory all get startled by people showing up and everyone is talking at once and the doctor goes IVE NEVER BEEN THREATENED WITH A TABLE LEG BEFORE! NO WAIT I TELL A LIE…. while rory is going ITS OKAY, WE’RE NICE! and amy looks at him like hes insane. i find it very funny

when ten sacrifices himself to save wilf but first he has to have a little mental breakdown about it because he knows what the right thing to do is but he’s also kind of fucked in the head and feels like he deserves to live. and then as hes very slowly dying of radiation poisoning we get that kinda cheesy montage that goes on WAY too fucking long of him doing little secret things to help out all the companions he’s had since the start of the revival series and it’s so self indulgent and wrung out and it kinda slaps

theres so many others and probably a lot of scenes i like way more than these but these r the first ones that came to mind so i will restrain myself

3 favorite headcanons:

gender and sexuality r different for time lords. bc theyre aliens. so of course it would be. but the doctor is also queer by their standards

erm. uh. fuck. shit. what else is there.

Susan is still alive and doing fine <3

Christ i dont know. I got nothin. Doctor who canon is so fucked i could probably take something that’s technically canon and then call it a headcanon anyway. Uh. No i got nothing there either.

K9 is a good dog. There

3 least favorite things about it:

NO NOSTALGIABAIT!!! STOP IT!!! PUT DAVID TENNANT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND HIM. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PUT HIM RIGHT BETWEEN THE FIRST FEMALE DOCTOR AND THE FIRST BLACK DOCTOR <3 HE WAS ON THE SHOW FOR FOUR YEARS PUT HIM BACK

AND NO MORE DALEKS OR CYBERMEN UNTIL THE WRITERS CAN LEARN TO USE THEM PROPERLY! USE THEM AS REPRESENTATIONS OF FASCISM AND FEARS OF NEW TECHNOLOGY RESPECTIVELY OR DONT USE THEM AT ALL. STOP INCLUDING THEM JUST BECAUSE THEYRE THE BIG RECOGNIZABLE DOCTOR WHO VILLAINS.

(…….exceptions made for when daleks are used for comedy i may say it annoys me when they get watered down but i still think its great when theyre funny. also that one new years special was actually a very good occasion to have a dalek without it meaning anything but that’s besides the point okay anyway)

ALSO THE WEEPING ANGELS. THEY WERE SCARY IN THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE AND THEN THE WRITERS KEPT ADDING NEW THINGS TO THEM TO TRY AND MAKE THEM MORE SCARY AND IT JUST BACKFIRED. IT MADE THEM SUCK

basically i hope for a future where doctor who writers actually take to heart the whole “Moving Forward and Embracing Change” part of the show. if you bring back stuff that hasn’t appeared since classic who be sure you’re DOING something with it that means anything and not just going “Look! This species still… exists!”. write good stories instead of having recognizable villains show up because they’re recognizable. and FORGET ABOUT THE TENTH DOCTOR ERA ALREADY. DAVID TENNANT WAS GOOD. HIS DOCTOR WAS GOOD. MOST OF THE SHOW FROM THEN IS GOOD. AND ITS OVER. ITS BEEN OVER FOR TEN YEARS. STOP MILKING THE TENTH DOCTOR AND PUTTING ALL THE FOCUS ON HIM. PLEASE. PL

doctor who good :)

#YAAAAAAY YIPPEEEEEEE THX #basilask #long post

[butchviking]

why would you want to be recategorised if you have to lie about the things you believe? once you go back to saying what you actually believe poeple will just mark you as red again

because i want to see gerard image :( and i want to reblog gerard image to share with u all :( and the unfortunate fact is many of the people who post gerard image also let strangers on the internet do their thinking for them and block anyone who a browser extention tells them is bad.

probably eventually tru but tbh it took a long long time for me to get marked red in the first place cause i like. dont actually say anything bad anyway lol i think itd b hard 2 point at any particulr posts ive made and argue that theyre transphobic cause im. not transphobic. i just understand reality.

#2 b clear i dont mean like i'll say some things i dont believe for an extended period of time or hide my actual thoughts or anything #i just mean like making 7 text posts in a row saying 'trans women are women and deserve to be in womens spaces!!' or whatever #ask #anonymous

[idislikefrenchclass]

hiiii! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals, followers and all the wonderful people on here! happy new year and all the best :)

hello! i dont know how to ask other people i have basically no idea how tumblr works besides from posting haha but heres my list :)

-my dog and my family. my dog is the greatest being i have ever met and my family is very nice and i love them all. sometimes i HATE going on walks with my dog but this is how i get my time alone to think so i actually do like it!!

-my friends! i dont have many but the ones i have i love too. they make school survivable 4 me, but especially my best friend. whenever i wish the world were ending i can call her up and well do the dumbest shit (well literally climb trees or lie around doing nothing. i mean really dumb shit. yesterday we set styrofoam on fire) and i feel like a human being again

-music. whatever i do normally theres music playing in the background. well not now since im writing something i need to think about so not always. most of the time i listen to shit alt rock but i also have a couple cds and cassettes which are.. also shit alt rock *shhshs radiohead, csh, and weezer*. i have a björk cassette from the 90s DUHHHH

-drinking tea or coffee and reading, i love tea. i have a couple of nice cups too but my favourite has to be my dads southpark cup. i usually read books that my friends recommend to me or that i find online or at the book store and think "hm this book looks cool ill buy it" (currently "the secret history" its great). theres this book shop that has a cafe in it kinda near where i live, i like going there. usually by bike but when its cold i go by tram because i love being on the tram. its like a little treat i give myself when i find am unused tram ticket on the ground or just buy one but let me tell you thats pain in the ass since theyre so fucking expensive it hurts my brain

-making/seeing art. i like drawing, painting, making collages, writing, taking photos, making music, putting makeup on my face, making cool outfits. all sorts of art. it doesnt have to be good, i just have to like it. my writing in english is kinda meh but in german its fun to write since my writing is actually good and i can put lots of weird words in it that i dont know in english and the grammar just feels so much more natural. it soothes my brain to have written something i like. going to museums is aaah too. especially the modern art ones, historical ones are just boring tbh.

-i know it said 5 things but im extra so hihi. being outside!!! when im inside for too long i just feel like im a rotting piece of meat. which is gross because i dont like meat. and milk. and eggs. AND TOMATOES THEYRE SO GROSS. did i ever say im vegeterian? like almost vegan even. anyways, i love being outside just watching the clouds or listening to the silence. i love quiet but i also love noise.

thats all i think. hope this is not too long or fuck it i dont care

#blog intro #your mom

[sugarfreerooibos]

Seeing as 4 is my OCD fixation number i have decided this is a growth milestone 😌 i am now declaring myself to be a

niche microinfluencer

thank you all 🥳🎉🤩😲🤑

#all jokes aside if i gave a shit about followers id fucking tag my posts lmao #i found out yesterday that when you reblog something it also?? transfers the hashtags????? #hrm #fun fact i have an art insta that is significantly more popular than my tumblr #1. because i use tags and #2. because i dont post weird fucking soliloquies there #dont get me wrong its not by any means a large account #but yes its torrential_downpour go follow me theres four of you so i will k n o w if you dont #i dont remember what the fuck i was meaning to say aside from the blatant self promo #oh right i was going to mention my love for dumb fucking scripty fonts and warn yall that i will be using them SO much in all of my posts #definitely an excessive amount #maybe i should start some fucking lore in the tags wouldnt that be sick #oKaY gUyS i AcTuALLy LoVe HorSeS aNd fUcKinG uHhHhh (the bullshit reservoir is running dry rn gimme a second) #pLaYiNg ThE DiGeRiDoO??? #fuck yes reeling them in #they dont even know theyre being fucking PLAYED rn #i actually exclusively play the sousaphone #i refuse to play a normal god damn tuba #lets play two truths and one lie ill start #1. im going to have a shrine to my boyfriend #2. I unironically love My Little Pony to the point where it was constantly playing for a few weeks #3. i think some puppets are kind of hot #especially #marionettes #m #maybe #maybe theyre all true #guess in the comments dont forget to like and subscribe i am ending this god damn monologue here im almost out of characters #self #20

[meredithstanien]

me and my thoughts ab homecoming

feel free to ignore i'm just rambling about how much i love everyone in starkid (please dont reblog this haha)

- jaAIME thank you maam for your service

- is jeff blim wearing eyeliner? thank you king

- sometimes i understand why all of you are simping for white boy manion and show stopping number is one of them. hips!

- personally i will simp for mariah though i hope you dont mind

- LAUREN WALKER I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU THAT SHIRT

- IM SO HYPED FOR FIREBRINGER I'M GONNA LOSE IT

- i want bhol's shirt. honestly i would wear his whole outfit

- brb simping for meredith.... leather jacket.....

- also lauren that fit is beautiful

- rachael soglin i love you also she has such a wonderful voice

- TOGETHER!!!!! i love everyone looking at meredith and lauren Like That

- "we are womankind" *meredith thumbs up and :)

- lowkey wish we had more lauren walker during this

- okay. tto songs slap so hard and i'm also bopping

- wISSSCONSSIIIIIINNNN i love corey

- wait how have i not said anything about jeff's outfit yet??? i love the vest so much

- okay they kept the audience participation for tto in this and i love it so much

- MS LOPEZ THE BOOTS???

- SPEEDRUN thank you for letting rachael bless us, i thought they were just gonna do tto and naked in a lake and i was gonna be so sad

-i'm crying over jeff's bowlegged step in place

- i love this four person crew for ani, i was wondering what they were gonna do for this since it was a traditional musical

- why dont people simp for clark? look at this man he's so fine

- HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT CHRIS ALLEN ALSO PLAYED DUDER IN LITTLE WHITE LIE? i never made that made that connection because i only watched lwl once

- jim povolo makes an appearance i love xem

- the cheers during no one remembers achmed... me too.

- denise and meredith sharing a mic and having the time of their lives doing it brings me joy

- lowkey was stoked for a meredith-dylan duet for 1001 nights but britney and carlos gave us so much more than we deserved

- okay as a meredith stan i am very sad about the lack of a meredith solo in the twisted medley i will not lie to you guys

- the hmb lighting.... thank you to the lightning designer i will have to check the credits.... AND THE SOUND DESIGNER the echoes are so cool

- gotta say i am so happy about the variety of funky outfits onstage today

- ROGUES jaime kills that one part. yall know the part

- literally any part with denise singing makes me so happy i cant wait for starship

- the audience clapping made me so nervous at the end of super friends bc for a second it sounded like it was throwing off the orchestra and making them speed up without realizing

- craving some commissioner gordon right about now

- STARSHIP I'M GONNA PEE

- ms donovan knows what she's talking about, thank you denise's mom we are dreamers

- i love that theyre giving solos to people who didn't get them in other medleys because i needed this. starkid women are so talented

- i feel so bad for not knowing everyone's names. theyre so amazing and i cant even name them

- JUNIOR STARSHIP i simp for bhol specifically as junior

- BRANT COX THE BUG MAN I LOVE YOU i love starship and i love him, i wish he had been in more shows

- joey your cue!!!!

- where is the way i do? i pass away

- "please enjoy some songs from 'me and my- ...." goodbye brian

- mamd is highkey problematic but that doesnt stop ready to go from being a bop

- brian and meredith standing together 🥺

- i love brian and nick lang awkwardly asking if everyone is having fun

- nick is so wonderful i love him

- the strings sound SO cool with comin back to hogwarts i love cellos

- the screams over the glasses, i love this audience

- i love the audience singing along and saying the lines along with the music, i bet the energy in that theatre was fucking amazing

- joey and darren just going "whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa" over bonnie!

- ms. lopez... the BOOTS again. lauren lopez as draco malfoy does things to me

- DYLAN COMING FROM THE AUDIENCE that is my favorite gag

- the people in the audience as dylan is coming through look so excited

- HUFFLEPUFFS ARE PARTICULARLY GOOD FINDERS!!!!!!

- meredith dances like a cartoon character it's so cute i love her

- tbh the whole second act has me smiling constantly i dont have much to say bc it just makes me so happy

- IMAGINE BEING THAT SAX PLAYER thank you king

- not even gonna lie ive never been a huge fan of avps or avpsy but the energy here makes up for it

- darren where is your fit you are harry freakin potter all the other men here are showing you up, you are wearing a black t shirt

-[yeah at thsi point a bunch of my thoughts ab the second act got deleted bc tumblr sucks and didnt save this draft but whatever i loved it]

- i'm gonna cry, the way the orchestra the end of days of summer became a slow version of back to hogwarts

- this is so sad. this is so happy but so sad.

- darren this is the sweetest thing

- "enthusiastic, but sometimes questionable fan art" i'd like to formally apologize to starkid for whatever they may have seen.

- joey in the background making faces as darren talks about loving your friends

- yo i didnt expect to get so emo over this but them finishing out with back to hogwarts really did me in, plus everyone onstage wiping away tears

- ITS AN ENCORE THANK YOU BROSENTHAL AND SANGO

- what a stupidly wonderful way to finish this show

- joey carrying out walker and brosenthals jackets

- oh the classic disconnected and off timing theatre kid bow to end the show

- IM LOOKING AT THE CREDITS AND OFC THEY HAD COREY LUBOWICH, SARAH PETTY, JUNE SAITO, AND MARK SWIDERSKI DOING TECH WHO ELSE WOULD THEY POSSIBLY ASK TO DO IT?

#m speaks #dont rb

[kingsofneon]

ayyy its me coming in here!!! i have no requests off the bat but uhhhh ok ok hear me out. acesabo but with like. a finger kink or something? like, long pretty fingers fingering the hell out of each other or just sensually sucking on it, idk, i'll let you decide. OR, more expansion on robinkoalasabo, blease?

look okay look im just. vibing with sabo/ace rn so i gotta talk abt them but real quick i love argumentative best friend/enemy / qpp koala/sabo and both of them liking robin, LMAO !!!!! bitch!!! that shit’s hilarious. robin i think would be uhh....unused to such honest attraction? yah sabo’s a lying liar but there’s a difference in his...sarcasm vs his “I’m telling a lie so you don’t know the truth I dont want to tell you”, is what i think. so idk in what i set up i guess we have ko/ro first and Kinda girlfriends (im.....ded for fro/bin tho soz so absoLUTE we have not-yet-together-kinda-feelings-but-complicated-bc-trauma robin/franky + bc theyre not together the...flattery + enjoyment of koala’s personality and company...) friends w/ benefits didn’t-really-date but like each other a lot. and koala so sunny and happy buuut also spending Lots of time with robin - just hanging out but also sexy fun times - and sabo’s like “no I’m not sulking shut the fuck up” (but he’s totally sulking because he Liked robin too, she was someone he respected highly and she! knows! luffy! he doesn’t say anything to her about it bc he’s guilty as fuck but. boii wants those strawhat stories and he can’t sneak them out of her with koala taking up all of her attention.) 

koala picks up on his grumpy mood but just figures he’s being a dick abt smth, but robin’s like nah look, pattern, and koala’s like oh. OH? 

idk what they do but w/e we be vibing with nsfw, which is sabo’s. sabo’s fucking fingers man. the tensile strength. BUT ALSO he’s not very delicate, not very good with flexibility, so robin,,ho fuck boi. when against koala the dichotomy of the roughness vs that clever stroking, but then also bRO im thinking about sabo viewing masturbation etc. pretty clinically and also Be Careful Of Strength, ain’t gotta lot of time to jerk off when you’re running the revolution u know.

so like the first time robin tops im fucking laughing. koala’s probably just as rough/efficient as he is but robin...robin can unlace him in like a minute flat and figures out real quick that sabo likes being edged. the first time robin touches his prostrate..........boi. 

anyway omfg that was longer than i thought so hand kink + sabo/ace

FIRST 

if you haven’t read.......second chances (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495015?view_full_work=true).........what are you doing. look at this shit:

“You want to watch me jerk it like this?” The buckle rattled with Ace's gesturing, and Sabo's eyes immediately fixated darkly on the belt. “Then I uh, I get to make a weird request too.”

“If you must,” Sabo replied, sounding the exact opposite of beleaguered as he discretely wiped the spit off his palm. Ace cleared his throat.

“Put on your gloves.”

Ace refused, refused to look away from the devious delight spreading across Sabo's stupid face.

“Oh Ace,” he purred, those damn fucking gloves appearing in his hands out of nowhere (did he have them tucked in his pockets this entire time?). With deliberate motions, Sabo smoothed the leather over every finger, and flexed, like he was about to whip out one of his ryusoken moves. “Are you sure you just want me to jerk off in these?”

“Well if you've got any lube tucked away,” Ace shot back, “now's the time to pull it out, put on a good show.”

Sabo's consequent exhale was nowhere near the flippant-and-suave chuckle he had clearly been aiming for. Smugly, Ace counted a point in his own favor before dropping onto his back and finally—finally—undoing his pants. As his own belt fell with heavy thumps to both sides, Ace brushed aside all the pesky cloth, and applied pressure in earnest with a sigh of pleasure.

and this

And boy was it a view. The gloves were incredibly well-worn, molded so tightly to Sabo that Ace could see the full articulation of his fingers' every curve, every bend. The buttery leather, lighter in color at the fingertips, glided over Sabo with the barest whisper of friction. Ace could see his grip change, pressure shifting as he held himself tighter and tighter, grunting in frustration.

“Can I take these off?” Sabo finally requested with a hint of a whine. Ace suddenly thought of Marco, and how he might smirk at that tone, if he was here. “It's not working for me.”

“It's working fine for me,” Ace did his best to leer, thoroughly enjoying his own bare hand's capacity for friction. Sabo made another sound of protest, and Ace gave in with a snort. “Fine. Just one hand.”

“It's all I need.” The right glove disappeared as fast as it came, and Sabo arched high and satisfied into his own hand, now skin-to-skin. He obligingly let the gloved hand remain in play though, skimming teasingly up and down, grinning sharply at Ace's open mouth. “Hey,” he ordered, “go faster.”

AND THIS!

“Anything you want,” was Ace's breathless answer. He didn't stop, even sped up, gripping hard and fast and chasing that finale. “You can have it from me.”

“I would chain you down,” Sabo snarled, practically a threat, only the blade was turned wholly inward toward himself. Like he was daring Ace to give him absolution. “I would bend you 'til you're ready to break, and keep you there for hours. I would make you beg for release, but deny you anyways. I would see your skin dark with my bruises, I would, I would—”

Ace's hands twisted hard against his binds, wanting genuinely to be free of them for the first time since they started this—and Sabo's reaction was instantaneous. A flex of haki into his fingers, and Sabo was slicing through the leather of his belt, letting Ace loose with an expression of terror.

And Ace dragged himself across the bed until he could cup Sabo's cheek in his clean palm and pull Sabo into a biting, filthy kiss. He was still hard as sin, and thrust forward into Sabo's hands to let him know—

“Anything,” he panted into Sabo's mouth, meaning it with every fiber of his being. He didn't mean for Sabo to cut open the belt; he had just wanted, so badly, to feel Sabo's touch. “You have me.”

bitch. bitch. 

idk just gonna write some prompts bc this looks long

sabo + jerking ace off while wearing his gloves + barely washing them (to ace’s embarrassment) bc he claims he likes having evidence of ace. they’re usually kept for when he’s at home tho, sabo’s gross but not that gross ;p (and ace would probably die LMAO)

 SORRY BUT THE POST I JUST REBLOGGED ABT HOLDING YOUR THUMB DOWN TO HAVE NO GAG REFLEX UM. Ace says he wants to try it but it feels weird so sabo’s like. ;) okay and runs his fingers over ace’s mouth, tapping and instructing him to hold his thumb down. tracing his teeth and teasingly not dipping his fingers down low enough, till ace glares at tries to argue smth like “this is not testing the trick” but that’s when sabo presses on his tongue, down his throat, and ace half-chokes on it. sabo just like ‘not like you have much of a gag reflex anyway’

was thinking abt this the other day but ace doing sabo’s nails and then being like dont ruin them! no touching until they’re dry but sabo’s like but idk when they’ll be dry???? bc he’s never used nail polish before and ace is like :) better not touch then as he teases sabo

ace ofc painted them gold and red bc theyre His Colours and the next day when they’re dry and pretty sabo spends ages running his hands against ace’s skin, fascinated and worshipping of how pretty ace is

before they started dating and when they were bad at handling alcohol, sabo kissing ace’s knuckles made that boi CATATONIC, his wrist would also make ace bolt bc Horny, he’s fucked when sabo kisses his wrist it’s just too...intimate. 

 headcanons, headcanons, they’re both pretty calloused in different ways...ace is like rope burns and shit, longer across his palm and knuckles, sabo has palm base bc of his pipe, but they’re confined, and then on his fingertips bc of dragon claw. AGAIN thinking about mr fast fuck brutality here like the STRENGTH in that boy’s hands wtf

ace’s hands have more scars, sabo has more callouses/micro-deposits bc he knows hand to hand/doesn’t start with a DF. 

idk where im going with that last one guess it’s just headcanons abt hands.  

that’s all fox, i like the number eight and i have so many other asks to do lmao

#dirtyshankings #saboace #saborobinkoala #saroko #bleh what a gross acronym #lemons #not sfw #i need to figure out a n/sfw tag that ppl can block that tumblr wont k-word me for #opnsfw #answered asks

[inyournightmares97]

My Youth (Chapter 6)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, death, angst, slow build, maybe some language.(Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)

Word Count: 5.7k+

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)

“-Mom, I’m busy,” Jinyoung muttered into the phone. He had been sitting in a crucial meeting with the Finance Director of GOT Tech and representatives of the Financial Regulatory Board. Receiving approval for his company to go public was one of the most critical and risky steps in Jinyoung’s career.

His mother, however, had been calling him constantly for the last twenty minutes.

Mrs. Park sounded upset. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung, dear. I just needed to reach you-”

“Mom, I’m in an extremely important meeting right now. Do you know how it looks when the Managing Director of GOT Group keeps getting calls from his mother during business meetings? What do you want from me?” Jinyoung demanded in a frustrated whisper, running his fingers through his hair. He tried not to let his agitation show on his face; the other high-profile attendees of the meeting could still see him through the glass wall of the conference room.

“Jinyoung, there’s been a terrible tragedy in town,” his mother began nervously. “I don’t… I don’t know how to tell you this, but i suppose there’s no easy way to talk about a death.  Remember I told you that I’ve been going to the hospital every day to meet-”

Jinyoung felt a burst of irritation. The clock was ticking. The Board members were waiting for him impatiently and he could see the disapproval on their faces. “Mom, did you call me to tell me that someone died?”

“Well… yes, but-”

“Mom, I have been preparing for this presentation for months. The future of my company depends on this meeting. This is absolutely the worst time you could have chosen to tell me something like this,” Jinyoung muttered through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Please don’t mess up my focus right now. We can talk about this later. Do you need anything from me urgently?”

Mrs. Park hesitated. “You always seem to be busy these days. I just thought… if we could maybe help out with the funeral expenses or the hospital bills…”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. “Mom, you can just call my secretary for that. She’ll send you whatever amount you need. Send them flowers from me or something, okay? I have to go now.”

“Take care, Jinyoung, dear-”

“Bye, Mom.”

Jinyoung hung up and sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple. His personal secretary had followed him out of the room and was watching him nervously. He hadn’t even asked his mother who it was that had passed away. Was it somebody he knew? Maybe it was best that he didn’t think about it too much for now.

“Take my Mom’s call and ask her who died, send them money for the funeral and all those formalities,” Jinyoung told his secretary shortly. She nodded and made a note of it on her phone quickly while Jinyoung cleared his mind.

Focus. The presentation. The numbers.  

Jinyoung took a deep, calming breath and plastered a rehearsed smile on his face before he turned to enter the conference room once more.

“I’m so sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,” Jinyoung greeted all the well-dressed men with a bright smile. “I hope you can forgive me. Mothers seem to have a knack for calling at the most inconvenient times, don’t they?”

The men chuckled politely. “That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Park.”

“May I begin the presentation?”

“Please, do.”

--------

Jinyoung believed that to achieve something great, you needed to make certain sacrifices.

He had always known that the path he was embarking upon was not an easy one. Establishing your own business meant that you didn't get off work at 5 pm sharp, you couldn’t spend your weekends at a countryside cabin or getting drinks with your friends. You needed to keep working until things got done. You needed to compete in the market. You needed to be strong enough to pick up after your losses and clever enough to make friends in the right places. People were depending on you.

Jinyoung hadn’t merely chosen a career, he had chosen a life.

A very lonely life.

Whenever his mother would call him and try to have a casual chat, Jinyoung would find himself irritated. Who cared whether Mrs. Lee from the grocery store was giving a discount on strawberry bread? What did it matter if Mr. Cha had been trying to sell his little farmland? There was important work to be done. Jinyoung needed to talk to the advertising agents to make sure his products were being launched properly, he needed to negotiate discounts with suppliers to ensure he could meet the planned pricing goals. There were employees relying on him. There were investors who had trusted him with their money. There were quarterly goals that had to be met.

Every second of Jinyoung’s time was precious. Why couldn’t everyone understand that? Why couldn’t his mother stop thinking that her tiny little world in this tiny little town was everything, and understand the importance of what her son was doing?

There are a limited number of hours every man has at his disposal. We each make a conscious choice regarding how to spend each one.

It was only now, standing in front of your mother’s grave, that Jinyoung came a terrifying realization.

He had made the wrong choices.

------

“It was heart failure,” Mrs. Park whispered.

Jinyoung’s hands clutched the cup of tea firmly. It was hot and uncomfortable, but not more than the sick feeling in his stomach. Every word his mother spoke made him feel more pathetic.

What had he been doing all those months while your mother was in hospital and when she’d died? Preparing for his company to go public? Sitting in meetings and sucking up to corporate officials? Only to be fired and thrown out of the company. Only to have missed the death of somebody who had trusted him and cared for him.

“But she couldn’t have been that old…” Jinyoung muttered.

Mrs. Park shook her head softly. “She’d always had a weak heart, Jinyoung. Her health was fragile and after her husband passed away she had no choice but to work to support her daughter. All those long hours and late nights for years… they took their toll in the end. She had her first stroke three years ago. She was in hospital for a few weeks and then she had the second one; the one that took her life.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes, remembering your mother in his mind’s eye.

“She always looked tired. And worried.”

“She was.” Mrs. Park reached out and placed a hand over her son’s nervously. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should have told you about it sooner. But you were always so busy in Seoul, always doing important things. It never seemed like the right time to tell you about something so devastating. It’s my fault.”

Jinyoung let out a small scoff. “Don’t take the blame on yourself. That doesn’t help me.”

Mrs. Park looked upset. “Jinyoung-”

She was interrupted by a loud knocking at the front door. Jinyoung closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple while he listened to his father go to the door and yell at the person on the other side. The reporters had already found his home address. They had started arriving one-by-one since this morning. Each of them desperately wanted an interview with Park Jinyoung, the man who had lost his empire overnight. They wanted to know what he had to say about his dismissal from his own company.

Mr. Park re-entered the living room and sighed. “They’re getting more persistent. I think I should call the local police before they start trying to shove their way into our house.”

Jinyoung nodded and stood up. “I’ll go down to the police station myself and ask them to send someone to deal with this harrassment. Mom, you’ve told everyone we know to deny any reporters who request them for an interview, right?”

“Yes, but is it really a good idea for you to be going outside now-”

“I think I’ll lose my mind if I stay indoors,” Jinyoung muttered. He grabbed the black hoodie that was slung over the back of the sofa and glanced at his parents. They were both looking at him with wide, worried eyes.

Jinyoung felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him; why should they have to deal with so much because of his mistakes? Why was he always the one taking and yet never giving?

“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I’ll try and be back for dinner.”

------

Jinyoung’s legs carried him naturally towards the elementary school.

Perhaps it was a subconscious urge to see you, even though he had no idea what he would say if you really appeared before him. Anything Jinyoung could have said to help should have been said three years ago. Words like I’m sorry seemed like an insensitive joke at this point; too little and far too late.

Jinyoung sat silently on the bench by the schoolyard with his face covered by his dark hoodie, and wondered how his life had brought him to this point.

Left with nothing with shame.

“Ahjussi!”

By the time Jinyoung looked up, there was already a tiny figure running straight towards him at full speed. He flinched and braced himself for the impact; only to have the small boy stop centimetres away from him and throw his arms around him happily. Jinyoung stiffened.

“What-”

“Ahjussi, you are Park Jinyoung!” Ki-woo cried delightedly. The boy was beaming. Jinyoung noticed for the first time that one of his front teeth was missing, but it was still one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. “Miss told me yesterday! Why did you lie and say you weren't? I can’t believe the King of the Playground walked me home after school and I didn’t even know!”

Jinyoung couldn’t resist a small smile. The sight of the little boy bouncing on his feet warmed him for a moment and he patted Ki-woo on the head. “If somebody asked Clark Kent if he was Superman, he wouldn’t say yes, now would he?”

Ki-woo’s eyes widened in understanding. “Wow. That’s so true! You’re so cool!”

“You’ll have to keep my secret.”

“Of course I will! Ahjussi, can you tell me how you did it? How did you manage to climb the oak tree?” Ki-woo demanded, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm and tugging on it eagerly. “You have to tell me, you just have to! Were you really tall?”

Jinyoung blinked. “Tall? Not particularly…”

“Then how? How did you do it?”

Jinyoung opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by a loud yell. He had been so preoccupied with Ki-woo that he hadn’t noticed the much larger man that was making his way across the school yard. Jackson Wang had a huge smile on his face and without greeting, he threw his arms around Jinyoung in a fierce hug.

“Park Jinyoung! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Jackson cried happily. He pulled back and noticed the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. With a frown, he pointed to himself eagerly. “Remember me? Jackson! Jackson Wang! You used to pass me all the answers in History class!”

Jinyoung swallowed. “Uh…”

“Mr. Wang, you’re friends with Park Jinyoung?” Ki-woo asked, his mouth gaping open.

Jackson blinked and looked down at the boy sheepishly. “Ah, Ki-woo. I didn’t see you down there. Didn’t your teacher tell you to wait inside until someone came to pick you up? Go back indoors now.”

Ki-woo pouted. “But-”

“Nope. Back inside. Now.”

Jackson waited until Ki-woo began to slouch back towards the school building and then turned back to Jinyoung. “Man, you’re pretty much the celebrity around these parts now, eh? We had a couple of reporters come by the school this morning, asking for anyone who used to know you. You have nothing to worry about! I scared them off. These babies aren’t here for nothing,” Jackson beamed and flexed his bare bicep.

Jinyoung didn’t really know how to respond. “Nice.”

Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You do remember me, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course-”

“We should get drinks sometime and catch up now that you’re back in town! Man, I really owe you. You did me a solid one that Christmas before you left, remember? I’ll buy you a couple of beers at the pub. What’s your phone number?” Jackson demanded.

“I don’t really have a phone right now…”

“Don’t have a phone?” Jackson looked confused. “Weird but okay. I guess I can always ask Miss First Grade to get in touch with you. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you were back in town!” he cried, slapping Jinyoung’s arm playfully. “Hold on… you’re here to see her, aren’t you?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Not exactly…”

Jackson chuckled knowingly. “No worries, man. I’ve got your back. I need to go inside and take care of the kids now, so I’ll tell her to come out and meet you here, yeah? Let me know if any more of those reporters come around. I’ll take handle them for you!”

Jinyoung forced a smile. “Thanks-”

“No problem, man. It’s what friends are for. We’ll catch up soon!”

“Sure.”

Jinyoung watched Jackson half-run back to the school building, letting out a sigh of relief. Each person he came across in this town seemed to remember something about him and the one who possessed the most dangerous knowledge was Jackson Wang. In addition to having been the resident supplier of inappropriate magazines and the one who’d convinced Jinyoung to try his first cigarette behind the park back in high school, Jackson simply knew a little too much about everybody.

Jinyoung sat down on the bench and took a deep breath. He just realized that Jackson had said he would send you out to meet him. Why hadn’t he told him not to? He wasn’t prepared to face you. Idiot.

It was a few minutes before you emerged from the school building and walked towards Jinyoung. There was a pleasant smile on your face as you approached, and it made Jinyoung’s stomach turn. How could you smile at him like that? How could you be so calm about everything?

“Jinyoung,” you greeted him, confused. “Should you be roaming around out here? There are reporters buzzing all around town.”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh. Yeah, I know. Jackson said he drove them away...”

You rolled your eyes. “That idiot Jackson Wang? He was fully prepared to seize his five minutes of fame by telling them how you used to help him cheat in History class. I had to step in and force him to deny the request for an interview,” you muttered. Jinyoung’s eyes widened and you gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I sent a message to the principal of the middle school and the high school. Nobody’s going to give any interviews about you.”

Jinyoung felt small.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Did they find your house?”

“Yeah. They’ve been knocking the door all day. It’s really starting to bother Mom and Dad.”

Your expression was sympathetic. “Should I call the police?”

“Don’t worry. I was going to go down to the station myself and ask them to send someone to get rid of the reporters,” Jinyoung reassured you. He felt his heartbeat thump wildly as he looked at your gently smiling face. Should he say it? Should he talk about the elephant in the room? Even though he hadn’t prepared what to say?

“About… about last night…”

You blinked. “Yeah?”

He sighed. “About your mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I know that’s no excuse, but I should have been there and-”

You cut him off with a forced smile. “Jinyoung. It’s okay. It’s not like you could have done anything for her even if you were here, you’re not a doctor. Everyone did the best they could.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I might not have been able to help her. But… I should have been there for you.”

The smile dropped from your face. What could you say? Jinyoung’s eyes were filled with shame but it wasn’t the right time for him to be offering condolences. That time had long passed.

But you still remembered his words from last night as he’d hugged you. I don’t feel as alone when I’m here. Jinyoung had been through so much. How could you say anything to such a broken man except for it’s okay? How could you offer him anything but comfort when he had nobody but you?

How could you not be the bigger person when he was suffering?

“It’s fine, Jinyoung,” you promised him softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“How can I not-”

“Seriously. Please. It’s in the past and nobody was to blame. It happened around the time your company was going public, so I can only imagine how chaotic your life and work must have been back then. I don’t resent you.”

Jinyoung looked up at you in disbelief. “How can you not?”

“I just… don’t. It’s fine.”

“Do you really mean that? Do you really mean that?” he demanded.

“I do,” you insisted firmly. You glanced at your watch and sighed. “Wow, it’s getting late. We have a PTA fundraiser at school tonight so I need to start setting up. Oh! Did you bring my bicycle by any chance?” you asked him hopefully.

Jinyoung shook his head. “Uh, no. The reporters were in front of my house so I slipped out through the back…”

“Can you drop it by the school later? I’m going to staying back pretty late because I have to wrap up after the event is over. It might even take till midnight and the buses stop running at 9 so I need a way to get home. It’s not too much trouble, is it?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll drop it off here later.”

You gave him a small smile as you turned to go back indoors. “Bye, Jinyoung.”

“Bye.”

---------------------------

The PTA fundraiser left you drained of energy.

You would much rather have dealt with a hundred kids at once than with a handful of parents. At least kids could be made to see reason, they could be convinced with a little bit of logic (however flawed). Adults, on the other hand, believed that they knew best and that things had to be done exactly the way they wanted. Adults were unreasonable. Adults liked to throw around their authority.

You had never wanted to get into bed so badly.

You stayed back late to clean up after the fundraiser was over. It wasn’t required of you, but it was something that you somehow ended up volunteering to do. All the other teachers had families to go home to and kids to take care of. You only had an empty apartment.

Asking them to stay back instead of you felt selfish.

You slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged out into the parking lot to see that the bicycle racks were empty. Shit. Had Jinyoung forgotten to leave the bicycle behind for you? Where was he?

You pulled out your cell phone and then sighed. Damn Park Jinyoung. He didn’t even have a stupid phone. It was far past the time that Mr. and Mrs. Park would have gone to bed and you didn't want to wake them by calling them. But your apartment was too far to walk and you would have to pass by the pub; you had no interest in meeting the town’s drunkards alone in those narrow alleys  at midnight.

You sighed and dialled another number.

“Jackson, hey. I’m so sorry, I know you just left a little while ago, but…”

-------------------

It was 1am when you heard a loud banging on your front door.

You had just finished taking a shower and were getting ready to slip into bed when the noise began. Your heartbeat racing, you grabbed hold of a kitchen knife quickly and then slowly approached your door.

“Who’s there?” you yelled out, voice shaking.

The voice that replied was muffled. “Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung? At this time of night?

You opened the door carefully. The first thing that hit you was the awful smell; Jinyoung stank of sweat and cheap beer. His eyes were red and his face flushed as he looked at you almost wildly.

“Are you okay?” he demanded, grabbing your shoulders to look at you properly. His hands were trembling and he seemed unaware of how loud his voice was. “Are you all right? I was looking for you everywhere!”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you’re drunk.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry- I’m so, so, sorry-”

“How about you come inside before you bring my neighbours running over with all of your noise?” you snapped. You had little patience for drunks, and knowing that Jinyoung had been out getting drunk instead of returning your bicycle did not please you. “Where have you been?”

Jinyoung stared at you helplessly, his arms waving around as he spoke. “I-I was just going to get one drink, I swear. But it led to another and I totally forgot about your bike and I was so scared that you might have walked home because I know that path passes by the pub and it’s not safe-”

“Relax,” you told Jinyoung as you guided him gently towards your couch. “I didn't walk. I called Jackson, he drove me home.”

“Jackson? Wang? Why? Are you guys close?” he asked, plopping down heavily on the couch.

You shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”

Jinyoung paused for a moment and then hung his head quietly.

“We used to be good friends.”

You looked down at Jinyoung properly. He was a wreck. His dark hair was a tangled mess and the light blue dress shirt he was wearing was wrinkled with a beer stain on it. There were even large sweat stains under his arms; he’d probably cycled all the way here in a panic.

And he’s one of the Most Eligible Bachelors under 40. If only the magazine had seen him like this.

“We’re still friends,” you told him lightly. “Although it wouldn’t do any harm to return my bicycle when I ask for it. Do you want a glass of water?”

Jinyoung blinked at you dazedly. “Do you have beer?”

“Absolutely not. Haven’t you had enough?”

His lower lip pouted slightly as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve been drinking all evening but I haven’t reached the point where I feel good or forget about my problems yet. In fact, I keep thinking about them even more. How about a cigarette?”

“You will not smoke in my house,” you told him with a firm glare.

To your surprise, Jinyoung suddenly smiled. It was only a gentle curve of his lips but you spotted it and frowned at him with your arms folded across your chest. “Are you feeling proud of yourself right now? Do you think your behaviour is something to laugh about?” you demanded.

Jinyoung looked up at you softly. “No.”

“Then why are you-”

“Because this is the first time you’ve given me that look since I came back,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. His voice trembled. “This is the first time you got angry at me. You don’t seem to get angry at me anymore.”

You didn’t understand. “Why would you want me to be angry at you-”

“Because you have to be angry with someone before you can forgive them. You have to first admit that they hurt you or that they did something wrong, and only then can you begin to repair your relationship,” Jinyoung whispered. He looked up at you and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. “So tell me honestly. Have you forgiven me already?”

You swallowed. “I was never mad at you to begin with-”

“You’re lying.”

You clenched your fists as your heartbeat thudded. “I’m not lying. You’re drunk. You should drink some water and you can sleep on the couch-”

Jinyoung looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot yet surprisingly clear. “You are lying. Either you’re lying or you’re not the same girl I remember.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because the girl I knew wouldn’t have pretended to forgive a friend to spare his feelings. She would have grabbed me by the shirt, looked me in the eye, and said Park Jinyoung, you’re an absolute bastard for leaving me here when I was having a hard time. She wouldn’t have spared my feelings. She would have expected me to be there for her because that’s what friends do. They count on each other.”

You closed your eyes. How had Jinyoung seen right through you? Even after 10 years, how could he see through you like you were made of glass?

“I’m not angry,” you tried to tell him slowly, even though you weren’t sure who you were convincing anymore. “Because I never expected you to be there. You were busy and I had no expectations-”

Jinyoung scoffed. “You’re lying again.”

“I’m not-”

“You are. Friendship is when you help someone, because you trust that they would do the same for you. What you’re doing for me isn’t friendship. You don’t trust me anymore. If you have no expectations from me, then that’s charity!” Jinyoung spat out. Tears were brimming in his eyes and his voice was choked. “Is that what I am to you? Charity?”

You clenched your fists and let out a small, humourless laugh. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

“What?”

“Where the fuck do you get off accusing me of treating you like charity? After what you did?” you snapped.

Jinyoung stared at you blankly. “Tell me.”

Your throat closed up. You didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to drag yourself back to what had been the lowest point of your life, especially not in front of Jinyoung. You didn’t know who he was to you anymore. How could you open up to him?

“I can’t,” you muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung.”

“Please,” Jinyoung whispered. “Please. At least tell me I was a terrible friend for not being there. Tell me I was a terrible friend for not even knowing about your mother.”

You took a deep breath and sat down, your knees feeling weak. You had never imagined that you would have to sit next to Jinyoung and say these words to him while he was drunk. Yet, as his dark eyes pierced into yours, he looked more sober than ever.

“It was my fault she died,” you whispered, shakily. “I know how hard my Mom worked to raise me. I know how much she struggled after my Dad passed away. The doctor told me her heart attack was probably caused by stress- years of it. She was growing old but she’d never even gone for a health check-up because we couldn’t afford it.”

Jinyoung stared at you silently.

“I needed someone to say this to back then,” you admitted quietly. “I needed someone who would listen to me and who wouldn’t try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault or that I didn't do anything wrong. That’s what everyone kept doing. They kept trying to comfort me but I just wanted someone who would listen. I wanted you,” you mumbled.

Jinyoung only nodded. His hands reached out to take both of yours. He grasped them tightly.

“I knew you were busy, but I always had this hope that maybe you would come to the funeral,” you whispered. “I thought… surely, whatever I did to make you cut me off, it wasn’t so bad that you wouldn't even turn up to my mother’s funeral. But the truth was that I couldn’t grieve properly because the hospital was hounding me about the bills, I…”

You took a deep breath. You hated thinking about those moments. You had felt so helpless and alone, backed into a corner. “I don’t think it even sank in that my mother was dead until a few days later,” you mumbled. “ I spent the first day wondering how the hell I was going to pay the hospital bills instead of thinking about her. Your mother tried comforting me, she told me it would all be fine and that she would call you for help.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes; tears were clinging to his eyelashes.

“She did,” he mumbled.

You felt the walls around you come crashing down as you looked at the broken man in front of you. You remembered how badly you’d wanted to see him then, how much you’d craved his comfort. You remembered how furious you had been when you realized that Jinyoung had abandoned you.

“I thought you would call,” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to disturb you but at the same time I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me alone at a time like that.”

Jinyoung’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

“It would have been better if you hadn't done anything at all,” you mumbled. “Maybe then I could have forgotten about it in the mess that I was going through. But you didn’t. I got a call from your secretary the night before the funeral.”

Jinyoung lowered his head. His hands were trembling even as they held yours and you could hear his soft sniffle. “Shit,” he muttered, his voice thick with tears. “Shit, I can’t believe-”

“I thought you’d finally called. But it wasn’t you. I had to hear some strange woman tell me over the phone that Park Jinyoung is sorry he can’t make it to the funeral but he sends his condolences,” you choked out. You smiled humorlessly. “As if I was some distance acquaintance you barely knew. You sent me your condolences through your secretary.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t know it was you…”

“And then she told me that if I would just email her a copy of the hospital and funeral bills then all the expenses would be taken care of,” you mumbled. “She said that she could send me as much as I needed, no limit. I was so embarrassed. I wanted-I wanted to tell her that you could go fuck yourself and that I didn’t want your condolences and your money. I wanted to refuse so badly, but…”

You hung your head in shame. “But I couldn’t,” you whispered. “I couldn’t say that to her because it was true. I had no other way of paying those bills. So I sent her the details and I let you pay for them. Whether you know it or not, you paid for all my mother’s hospital bills and funeral while I sat here and wondered how I had become such a worthless daughter.”

Jinyoung’s hands clasped yours so tightly that it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and you could see the sobs racking his chest. “I didn’t mean to-” he sobbed. Jinyoung’s tears landed on your clasped hands. “I didn’t mean to, I swear…”

You slowly removed your hands from his. “I have the accounts,” you muttered. “I’ve been saving up to pay you back. It might take me a few more years but-”

Jinyoung flinched. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not open to discussion, Jinyoung.”

“Don’t say you’ll pay me back, please-”

“I will pay you back,” you said firmly. You took a deep breath. “You know why? Because I might be able to forgive you for not being there when I needed you. But I will never, never forget how cheap I felt the moment I ended that phone call. So don’t talk to me about charity; I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. He felt light-headed and blank as he thought about everything you’d said. No wonder you didn’t consider him a friend. No wonder you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him. No wonder there was something fake and forced about your every smile.

Jinyoung hadn’t just messed up.

He had destroyed something precious to him without even realizing it.

“It’s late,” you mumbled after a brief silence. “You should go to sleep. Here, just; make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I-I can’t…”

“You’re not going anywhere at this time of night while you’re drunk,” you told him. You pushed him lightly so that he leaned back against the sofa. “Stay put. I’ll be back. I think we’ve talked enough for tonight.”

“Can you just promise me one thing?” Jinyoung asked quietly.

“What’s that?”

“Even if you don’t consider me your friend anymore, even if you’re just being nice to me because you’re that kind of a caring person… don’t give up on me completely.” Jinyoung looked up at you desperately. “Please. Tell me that I can fix things. Tell me I haven’t broken our friendship and my life beyond repair.”

You looked down at him. Lying on your couch in his crumpled dress shirt and the beer stains, Jinyoung looked pathetic. Perhaps it was because you’d finally let out all the resentment you’d been bottling up for so long. Perhaps it was because, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes now, you could see that he did care. But you suddenly didn’t feel so hollow anymore.

You didn’t feel so lonely in your pain.

“Everything can be fixed, Jinyoung,” you told him softly.

“Even us?” he mumbled.

You nodded. “Even us.”

“Even me?”

“Especially you.”

Jinyoung slowly closed his eyes and you went into the other room to get him a spare pillow and a blanket. He let you place the pillow under his head and snuggled into the soft blanket. You turned to switch off the light when you heard him mumble.

“You know something?”

“What, Jinyoung?”

“I thought that the most unbearable thing about being fired from the company was all the effort I’d put into it. I thought I couldn’t bear it because I’d done so much for it for the years,” he said slowly.

You blinked at his curled up figure under the blanket.

“But it’s not?” you asked.

Jinyoung shook his head. “It’s not how much I’ve done for the company that I can’t bear. It’s how much I sacrificed for it.”

-------------------

#got7 #got7 scenarios #got7 scenario #got7 angst #park jinyoung #got7 jinyoung #jinyoung angst #jinyoung scenario #got7 imagines #got7 drabbles #got7 series #got7 fanfiction #jinyoung fanfic #jinyoung my youth

[kanasmusings]

[Translation] TsukiPro Special CD - Starry Sky Collection Track 2

Yay~! This time, it’s VAZZROCK!! Next one is Mamoru and Koki’s and then the rest of the Yaminabe series dramas ww

Thank you once again to Deea for the files~! Please don’t ask her as per her request, thank you!

Also, Sho briefly mentions the story behind Lyra the constellation so, please do give it a read to understand it completely ^^

※ Please don’t re-post these translations without permission. Instead of reposting, please just like/reblog instead ^^

Under the cut, enjoy~!

Track 02: [心揺さぶる音楽を -こと座 ベガ-] “Music that Shakes the Heart – from the Constellation of Lyra – Vega”

Mamiya Takaaki, Kira Ouka, Onoda Sho, and Nadumi Ruka

[0:00]

  MAMIYA: Everyone, thank you very much. We’ll leave the rest to you.

SHO: We’ll leave it in your care.

SHO: We’ll be taking our leave now.

OUKA: Thank you very much for today.

RUKA: Thank you~!

  SHO: Now then, thank you for the hard work once again.

MAMIYA: Good work.

OUKA: Great job.

RUKA: Yay~! We all did well!

SHO: With this, VazzRaji’s first season recording is now finished.

SHO: Our party with the staff is over as well and now all we need to do is return to the dorms.

SHO: I heard that if we go straight home from here, it’s not that far but…

SHO: Takaaki, do you want to call a taxi?

MAMIYA: Ah, that’s right. Let’s call for one by the main street.

MAMIYA: But, uh… Can I ride a different one (from yours)?

OUKA: A different one? Where do you plan on going?

MAMIYA: Don’t look at me with such cold eyes~ I just feel like going for a little walk.

MAMIYA: If I walk from here to the dorm…

RUKA: If we’ll trust the map application, it’d take about 10 minutes!

MAMIYA: See? That’s what he said. It’s not really that far.

MAMIYA: I was just thinking of walking around to feel a bit refreshed.

MAMIYA: That much is fine, isn’t it?

RUKA: Ah! Then, I’ll do the same~! I don’t really like the smell of taxis and I try avoiding them as much as possible.

RUKA: Also, I ate a looooott of meat and rice so I wanna exercise a bit!

RUKA: And so~ Takaaki-kun, can I go with you~?

MAMIYA: Of course, you’re welcome to~! Let’s take it easy together, ‘kay?

RUKA: Alrighty~!

OUKA: (sighs) Ruka, if you walk back to the dorms from here, won’t it override your calorie intake?

RUKA: Non, non, non, Ouka-kun~ Doing things when you feel like doing them is important, too!

RUKA: In other words, there’d be no feelings of guilt lingering!

OUKA: Is it like that?

RUKA: Yes, it is! It’s kinda the same as when women go shopping.

RUKA: “Oh, I might find some use for this,” they say and then they end up buying more than intended~

RUKA: In my case, I say “I’ll lose it all in practice tomorrow” and then I eat as much as I can!

RUKA: If you say that, you won’t feel as guilty! Doing the things you love sometimes is important, too~

RUKA: It’s essential, right~?

OUKA: I see… That’s deep.

MAMIYA: By the way, I only want to walk, okay?

SHO: Yes~ I don’t really have any feelings of guilt but, can I join you for your night walk?

MAMIYA: Oh~ Sho, you wanna walk, too?

SHO: Yes, I’m the same as you, Takaaki.

SHO: Heading straight back to the dorms feels like a waste and somehow, I’m in the mood to walk, too.

SHO: I had so much fun a while ago that I feel like wanting to enjoy your company for a while longer.

MAMIYA: In Sho’s case, isn’t it just because you had too much to drink?

MAMIYA: You’re looking quite pale, y’know~? See? (Mamiya touches Sho’s hand) Your hand’s a bit warm, too.

SHO: (chuckles) Is that so? Well, maybe it is, since Takaaki’s hand feels cool and nice.

RUKA: Were you bad at handling your alcohol, Sho-kun?

RUKA: Like, your head feels floaty whenever you drink?

SHO: Hmm… I don’t think I’m particularly bad or good.

SHO: Though, it’s true that my head feels kind of floaty but, it doesn’t really go beyond that.

RUKA: Heh~ I’ll remember that~

SHO: Hm? Why would you want to remember that?

RUKA: When I know what my friends’ limits are, I can help them when they’re troubled about what to drink next or when they’re about to pass out, right~?

RUKA: I can handle my alcohol well so don’t hesitate to rely on me, ‘kay~

SHO: Thank you. Ruka’s very kind and reliable, huh?

MAMIYA: ROCK DOWN’s bonds are so dazzling~

MAMIYA: Alright! Then, Ouka will go home first in a taxi and then—

OUKA: Wait. Do you really think I’m that much of a loner to go home by taxi when you’re all walking?

MAMIYA: Yeah.

OUKA: (Ouka grabs Mamiya by the necktie) You should at least lie in a situation like this.

MAMIYA: (with a pained voice) O-O-Ouka-kun… Ouka-kun? Don’t pull my necktie…! My neck’s gonna fall off…!

MAMIYA: My neck’s gonna snap…!

RUKA: (smiles) VAZZY’s bonds are so tight, huh~!?

SHO: Ouka, calm down~

OUKA: Tch.

RUKA: So, that means~ Ouka-kun’s gonna walk with us?

OUKA: I am. Now that that’s decided, let’s get going.

OUKA: Let’s go. Hurry up and go.

RUKA: Yes sir~

MAMIYA: Y-yes…

[05:00]

  RUKA: (singing) ♪ Let’s go on a walk, let’s go on a walk~! ♪

RUKA: (singing) ♪ I am the great Ruka-kun~! ♪

SHO: (chuckles) Ruka’s in a good mood, huh?

OUKA: I’d understand if that was his energy after drinking but, I’m surprised that he’s naturally like that.

OUKA: In a way, he’s pretty energetic.

MAMIYA: That’s to be expected. Ruka’s a stage actor after all.

MAMIYA: I think he’s got more energy than a certain someone here~ He’s got pretty great stamina.

OUKA: I see.

SHO: I’m so sorry, Ouka. We ended up going home by walking.

OUKA: Ah, no. If I’m being honest, I was the same as everyone else. I felt like going for a walk.

OUKA: That’s why you don’t have to mind it.

MAMIYA: Oh my~! You’re quite honest with Sho, aren’t you, Ouka?

OUKA: If someone tells me something directly, I answer as honestly as I can.

OUKA: That’s all there is to it.

MAMIYA: In other words, you’re rebellious when it comes to me?

RUKA: (smiles) Walking like this together with everyone feels kinda nice, huh~?

RUKA: The food and alcohol during the staff party was great, too! I’m extremely satisfied~

RUKA: I’m super happy!

OUKA: Ruka, your voice is too loud.

RUKA: (laughs) I’m sorry, Ouka-kun.

RUKA: I’m feeling good and the wind feels so nice~ I just got taken in by the atmosphere. (to Sho) Right~?

SHO: Hm? Yes~ (to Mamiya) Right?

MAMIYA: (to Ouka) Right~?

OUKA: Ruka and Sho aside, when Takaaki does it, it’s disgusting.

MAMIYA: So mean!

RUKA: Alright~! Sho-kun and I passed!

MAMIYA: Discrimination is not good, Ouka.

OUKA: Don’t hold on to me, you drunk.

MAMIYA: I didn’t drink any though~

MAMIYA: I only drank like, one beer and about two or three ciders.

RUKA: Me, too! Normally, I’d drink so much more but, I have to wake up early tomorrow.

RUKA: Hm… But, Takaaki-kun, Ouka-kun, Sho-kun, and I are kinda a rare combi so—

RUKA: Going home so early just kinda feels like a waste…

SHO: Even though you say that Ruka, Gaku asked me to take you home safely.

RUKA: Ack! That bastard…!

MAMIYA: As expected from his partner! He can read you like a book~

OUKA: You laugh at him and all that but, you need to wake up early for filming tomorrow, too.

OUKA: Walk properly, get home, and then go to sleep.

OUKA: Don’t tell me, “let me watch one video before going to sleep,” got it?

MAMIYA: (groans)

SHO: (laughs) Looks like he can read you well, too~

SHO: Although Takaaki takes his work seriously, there are times when he indulges himself, huh?

SHO: Just like me~

RUKA: I-I don’t think that’s something you should be smiling about, Sho-kun… (laughs nervously)

OUKA: Good grief… So, our leaders have the same weird tendencies.

SHO: Please don’t abandon me.

[08:19]

  SHO: (gasps)

RUKA: Hm, what’s wrong, Sho-kun?

SHO: Look, Ruka. Since there are no buildings around, you can see the stars properly.

RUKA: Ah! It’s true!

RUKA: Woah~! Since when did I last see the stars like this~?

OUKA: We might have seen them but didn’t really notice them much.

MAMIYA: So, they can be seen properly even in the city, huh~!

OUKA: The stars I saw from my relative’s house when I was younger were even more amazing.

MAMIYA: Heh~ In the countryside?

OUKA: In Okayama Prefecture’s prefectural border.

OUKA: I was in elementary school back then probably. I went there about 2 or 3 times during summer vacation.

OUKA: In any case, the stars were so beautiful that I’d lay down and look up at them until my mother came to scold me.

OUKA: It’s such a vivid memory that when I close my eyes sometimes, I feel like I can still see them.

OUKA: The scent of incense, the squeaking of the wooden floorboards, the sound of the wind chimes, and the starry sky spreading from the night sky.

RUKA: When I imagine Ouka-kun with stars, it makes for such a perfect picture that I get scared~

RUKA: Ouka-kun, you really love stars, huh?

OUKA: I guess. I love them.

OUKA: Not just the stars but the universe in general. When it’s shown on T.V. I end up watching it completely.

MAMIYA: This is my first time hearing that~

OUKA: Have I not told you…?

OUKA: Don’t you generally prefer conversations where you can talk of anything compared to half-hearted ones that don’t fit your interests?

OUKA: It feels good to be able to talk about what you love, doesn’t it?

MAMIYA: I see~ That’s such a great reason that’s so fitting of you, Ouka.

RUKA: I love stars too but, not on a realistic scale, I guess.

RUKA: I love things with star designs! They can be cute or cool~!

RUKA: Oh, and they’re good luck~!

MAMIYA: Oh! Now that you mention it, I feel like a lot of your t-shirts and bags have star designs on them!

MAMIYA: Don’t you have shoes like that, too? Ya know, the ones designed with stars for buckles and stuff?

RUKA: As expected from Takaaki-kun! You’ve observed well, huh~? Those are my favorite~

RUKA: It’s the one I decorated with the make-up artist backstage! It’s the only one of its kind in the world~

RUKA: I wear them to feel in the mood before a play!

SHO: You really take acting seriously, huh~ Leaving it to luck is not manly, was it?

SHO: Though, you give me the impression that you would leave it to your own abilities.

RUKA: (laughs) That’s correct! That’s exactly it!

RUKA: Whether it’s luck or abilities, the one that wins in the end is the me who practiced a lot.

RUKA: The only superstition I believe are good luck charms, I guess.

RUKA: I usually feel like giving it my all when I’m acting since I can~

RUKA: Though, there are a lot of people on stage who believe in superstitions.

SHO: True. I think I have the same way of thinking. The world is not so simple that we can win on luck alone.

SHO: But, we can’t completely undermine luck and being lucky. That’s about it, I guess~

RUKA: Yep~! Samesies~

[11:43]

  SHO: (chuckles) Hey, does everyone know the legend of Vega from the Lyra constellation? It’s one of the brightest stars in the Summer Triangle.

MAMIYA: That’s pretty sudden~ The Summer Triangle constellation is uh… Altair, Vega, and… Ah, Deneb! It’s that one, right?

MAMIYA: The only thing I know about it are the stars’ names.

OUKA: I’m the same.

RUKA: Wow, you’re amazing! I didn’t even know the stars’ names!

RUKA: I only know the words “Summer Triangle”.

SHO: (chuckles) That’s exactly it.

SHO: Lyra is the constellation that’s shaped like a musical instrument. It’s the lyre that appears in Greek mythology.

SHO: The story goes is that it’s Orpheus’s lyre up in the sky.

SHO: The legend says that Orpheus went to the Underworld to reclaim his departed wife.

SHO: He offered his music to the King of the Underworld and managed to charm him.

SHO: Though, it seems like he failed with his initial plans of bringing his beloved back.

SHO: I’ve been told this story when I was young and I remember admiring the music that was supposed to have swayed even the King of the Underworld’s heart.

SHO: I just remembered that suddenly.

RUKA: I feel like Sho-kun’s violin can shake the heart of the King of the Underworld, too~

SHO: No, no. I still have ways to go.

SHO: I think that the violin is something that I still have to learn for quite a long time.

SHO: It’s never-ending and it makes me feel a bit scared but, it has its own charm, too.

OUKA: It might be quite similar to the reason why I admire the universe.

OUKA: Something that we want to chase for an eternity.

RUKA: Ah, that kind of phrasing is perfect for my ideal stars!

RUKA: Something that we admire for eternity is something that we’d yearn for for a long time!

RUKA: Isn’t that cool~?

MAMIYA: I feel you. Though, it’d be a plus if I can make mine shorter.

MAMIYA: See? Just like those stars spreading above our heads right now.

MAMIYA: I can see them all the time and I feel like I can reach my hand out to them. They’re always watching over us.

MAMIYA: I was just thinking that it’d be nice if the fans thought of us like that, too.

OUKA: “Watching over” is so like you.

MAMIYA: Right?

SHO: Right now, we are the ones being watched over by the stars, huh?

SHO: Let’s continue to do our best so that we can become those kinds of admirable people~

RUKA: Yeah!

RUKA: (singing) ♪ Let’s go home, let’s go home~! I am the great Ruka-kun~! ♪

OUKA: Like I said, your voice is too loud.

MAMIYA: Alright, let’s sing together in a moderate tone then~

MAMIYA: Alright, Ouka, you too~!

OUKA: I won’t sing.

  SHO: (chuckles) We’ll continue to make music that will shake your heart one day.

SHO: Beautiful and dazzling music just like the stars that’s dedicated for you.

  ==END==

※ Please don’t re-post the English translations without permission.

If you like this, please consider buying me a ko-fi here to support my work. (o^▽^o)Thank you!!

#tsukipro #vazzrock #rock down #vazzy #mamiya takaaki #kira ouka #onoda sho #nadumi ruka #drama cd #vazzrock translations #my translations #ouka and stars apparently make for a perfect image~! #if only i could draw i would draw it lol #queued post

[halfofxerxes]

muse aesthetic / repost, don’t reblog.

TAGGED BY: @alchemic-elric

TAGGING : just steal it

the softest palms that never want to touch you until after a bottle of wine. ╱ “ just braid your hair if you won’t brush it, at least, you useless girl. ” ╱ pulling on your skirt with one hand as you shuffle away. ╱ “ you’ll get it done before the day is up. ” ╱ guilt that isn’t yours to have. ╱ it’s a crooked game, but it’s the only one in town. ╱ chains. ╱ “ how could you do this to me? ” ╱ the sharp sting of guilt. ╱ you feel something even though you’re paid to do the opposite. ╱ the family you never had. ╱ falling backwards through time. ╱quicksand. ╱ drowning, but you don’t save yourself. ╱ “ you’re getting better. ” ╱ “ they smile like a snake. ” ╱ you’re the stars and the sky. ╱ there’s a part of you that couldn’t stay away even if you were forced to. ╱ they are your wings, there’s no doubt there. ╱ “ let’s take off somewhere. let’s fly. ” ╱ you edge a bit too close to the sun. ╱another ghost to take your place after every stumble. ╱ deep roots in the ground slashed open in the sun. ╱ rock candy melting in water. ╱ waves rise and leave the foam behind. ╱ the precipice you call home has a tip you’ll reach eventually. ╱ happiness is the best front a man can take. ╱“ i’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you before. ” ╱ you disagree; they’re more beautiful. ╱discomfort at the tiniest of touches. ╱ the sky opens up when you see them. ╱rain comes down. ╱ poppy fields. ╱ your sanity hanging by a thread. ╱ “oh god, what have you done? ” ╱ roommates weren’t supposed to be the smartest ones of all. ╱ they’ve got a devil on their shoulder and an angel in their mind. ╱ you try to help, but it only got worse. ╱ now they’re dead, it’s all your fault. ╱ adam & eve in the garden. ╱ a temptress in crisp button-downs. ╱ “ fuck, you’ve gone off the deep end, haven’t you? ” ╱ they lie so perfectly you almost forget yourself. ╱ the spark that lit the kindling on your funeral pyre. ╱ sugar and spice and a taste for the dark side. ╱yes saint laurent ╱ black opium on your pillow, a scented cloud drifting behind you like a cape. ╱ crisp green apples piled up on the table. ╱ your shoes are sharp, but your wit is even sharper. ╱ what a pretty one, they say. ╱you laugh without humor. ╱ a soft, hollow spot sits in your chest.╱ there’s a place you’ll never leave no matter who tries to stop you. ╱ the seat of power fits like a glove. ╱ heavy is the head that wears the crown. ╱ you share a space, but not a mind. ╱ they think you are weak; you are, maybe. ╱ “ what are you going to do with all of these pills? ” ╱ an empty bird’s nest. ╱ broken pencil tips. ╱ there’s an empty paper in front of you that you’ll never fill. ╱ “ we want you to succeed. i hope you can grasp that. ” ╱ “ they weren’t there when it happened. ” ╱corruption. ╱ there’s a red string tying you together. ╱ the scent of whiskey on the horizon. ╱ “ you’re the best friend i’ve ever had. ”╱ pink tipped fingers lock in secrecy. ╱ 99 red balloons drifting through a hazy sky. ╱ you try to lift your head up, but it’s so much effort. ╱ always walking on sunshine. ╱ there’s a million reasons to come down from the clouds, but you can’t be bothered. ╱ hair twisted up with glitter butterfly clips like a haphazard mobile. ╱ you drift, but you know where you’re going. ╱ no one has any dirt on you because you’re infinitely spotless. ╱ the empty side of your bed they crawled into when they were nine. ╱ court hearings. ╱ “ I miss you. ” ╱siblings are a funny thing. ╱ they point out every family-shaped hole in every picture on the mantelpiece. ╱ blackbird screaming ╱ wake in nightmares ╱ are you an illusion? ╱ I don’t feel real. ╱ who is in control?

#straight outta xerxes #dash aesthetic

[starsmuserainbow]

muse aesthetic / repost, don’t reblog.

TAGGED BY: @tsume-awase, thanks! :D TAGGING : I’m still rather chickening out, so you!

the softest palms that never want to touch you until after a bottle of wine.╱ “ just braid your hair if you won’t brush it, at least, you useless girl. ” ╱ pulling on your skirt with one hand as you shuffle away. ╱ “ you’ll get it done before the day is up. ” ╱ guilt that isn’t yours to have. ╱ it’s a crooked game, but it’s the only one in town. ╱ chains. ╱ “ how could you do this to me? ” ╱ the sharp sting of guilt. ╱ you feel something even though you’re paid to do the opposite. ╱ the family you never had. ╱ falling backwards through time. ╱quicksand. ╱ drowning, but you don’t save yourself. ╱ “ you’re getting better. ” ╱ “ they smile like a snake. ” ╱ you’re the stars and the sky. ╱ there’s a part of you that couldn’t stay away even if you were forced to. ╱ they are your wings, there’s no doubt there. ╱ “ let’s take off somewhere. let’s fly. ” ╱ you edge a bit too close to the sun.╱another ghost to take your place after every stumble. ╱ deep roots in the ground slashed open in the sun. ╱ rock candy melting in water. ╱ waves rise and leave the foam behind. ╱ the precipice you call home has a tip you’ll reach eventually. ╱ happiness is the best front a man can take. ╱“ i’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you before. ” ╱you disagree; they’re more beautiful. ╱discomfort at the tiniest of touches. ╱ the sky opens up when you see them. ╱rain comes down. ╱ poppy fields. ╱ your sanity hanging by a thread. ╱ “oh god, what have you done? ” ╱ roommates weren’t supposed to be the smartest ones of all. ╱ they’ve got a devil on their shoulder and an angel in their mind. ╱ you try to help, but it only got worse. ╱ now they’re dead, it’s all your fault. ╱ adam & eve in the garden. ╱ a temptress in crisp button-downs. ╱ “ fuck, you’ve gone off the deep end, haven’t you? ” ╱ they lie so perfectly you almost forget yourself. ╱ the spark that lit the kindling on your funeral pyre. ╱ sugar and spice and a taste for the dark side. ╱ yes saint laurent ╱ black opium on your pillow, a scented cloud drifting behind you like a cape. ╱ crisp green apples piled up on the table. ╱ your shoes are sharp, but your wit is even sharper. ╱ what a pretty one, they say. ╱you laugh without humor. ╱ a soft, hollow spot sits in your chest.╱ there’s a place you’ll never leave no matter who tries to stop you. ╱ the seat of power fits like a glove. ╱ heavy is the head that wears the crown. ╱ you share a space, but not a mind. ╱ they think you are weak; you are, maybe. ╱ “ what are you going to do with all of these pills? ” ╱ an empty bird’s nest. ╱ broken pencil tips. ╱ there’s an empty paper in front of you that you’ll never fill.╱ “ we want you to succeed. i hope you can grasp that. ” ╱ “ they weren’t there when it happened. ” ╱corruption. ╱ there’s a red string tying you together. ╱ the scent of whiskey on the horizon. ╱ “ you’re the best friend i’ve ever had. ”╱ pink tipped fingers lock in secrecy. ╱ 99 red balloons drifting through a hazy sky. ╱ you try to lift your head up, but it’s so much effort. ╱ always walking on sunshine. ╱ there’s a million reasons to come down from the clouds, but you can’t be bothered. ╱ hair twisted up with glitter butterfly clips like a haphazard mobile. ╱ you drift, but you know where you’re going. ╱ no one has any dirt on you because you’re infinitely spotless. ╱ the empty side of your bed they crawled into when they were nine. ╱ court hearings. ╱ “ I miss you. ” ╱siblings are a funny thing. ╱ they point out every family-shaped hole in every picture on the mantelpiece. ╱ blackbird screaming ╱ wake in nightmares ╱ are you an illusion? ╱ I don’t feel real. ╱ who is in control?

#✫ Out of Clurblopf ✫ | OOC #✫ There was a young alien girl who lived in a T ✫ | About Starfire #I forced myself so hard to not italicize ones I'd agree to only 'half' xD #also I'm never quite sure if I did it all in a fitting manner in these things

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

LONG POST - PERSONAL - do not reblog

2 a.m. revelations (posting a draft from last night)

im never going to be loved. like putting aside the fact that im ugly as shit, and barely have any personality; all of my relationships (of any nature) are poisoned by my terrible and inescapable anxiety, an anxiety which also prevents me making new or deep connections, and i have a terrible fear of intimacy and vulnerability (which are both things i want to be able to have), but also i have a tendency to idolise almost anyone who gives me attention or shows me kindness which is an absolutely terrible foundation for any kind of relationship, and i have a tendency to repress things, and let out quiet bursts of brutal honesty, like i will never raise my voice or display signs of anger or aggression (noone will ever see me angry. i have never been permitted to be angry and -circa me at 10 years old- when i used to get angry i was a terrible human), but i explode in ways where everything just spills out all at once, because to not repress things, to always present the truth, is to always and constantly confront the possibility and fear of abondonment or scorn and i cannot live with that constant fear. these are moments which give me actual panic. heart racing. adrenaline. dizzy panic. i cannot face that on the daily, so i repress, and eventually it is too much to hold in, and honestly is a virtue i wish i could stop portraying, how i wish i could just lie and let things slide and be okay with that.

i am always going to be scared because i have never trusted anyone since i learned that even the people closest can turn on you in an instant (a lesson i learned a decade ago, and was really truly cemented last year), and who is going to love someone who cannot trust them? and like, that’s a trauma thing, an anxiety thing. thats not just something i can change my mind on, thats something that has to be worked on, and learning to trust someone takes, well, i dont know how long, because there isnt a person on this earth who i trust fully, like i do not trust anyone not to turn on me or lash out at me, and abandon me, and i mean, i try really hard. and it is a really fucking ingenuine way to live. i feel like i am betraying everyone i know, because everything i do is so calculated, that im fooling them into thinking theyre interacting with a person, but i am not a person. i try to let myself exist,i try to exist in moments, without removing myself to make sure everything my body says and does is correct, but i cannot just let myself be, i cannot trust myself not to fuck things up, to not say the wrong thing, not to embarrass myself, and i havent yet learned how to live with mistakes, how to live with embarrassment and regret and how to forgive myself. i hold myself accountable for everything, for far too much, and i should. i have done unforgivable things. some of these were conscious decisions, where only in retrospect did i realise the ramifications, and other things just happened, impulsive flashes of emotion, because it is so so so easy to do something unforgiveable. and well, i guess, these things, most of them, it is only my own conscious that does not forgive me, because those whom my actions hurt have forgiven and/or forgotten. i tread lightly around everyone, constantly, every interaction- every word i speak is mulled over a dozen times in my mind before i allow myself to interact. who could love someone who is so completely terrified of living and is so fucking insecure that she thinks if she makes the slightest error that her s/o would explode at her and leave her? and it is terribly unfair to be with someone and for me to have that fear because it would suggest that i think so little of them.

also i have high af standards so that doesnt help. like i hate myself, but i do have some morsel of self-respect.

and yknow, that internalised homophobia like heck, i dont even feel like i have the right to look at girls.

also, being closeted and having that homophobic family doesnt help.

and also, i reallt feel like i have missed my window? like im 19 and i have never dated anyone, ive jever kissed anyone, ive never even come close to hitting any of these milestones which i should have right now, and im scared that it makes me so so childish and that noone is going to want to be with someone who is so unsure of themself and doesnt know anything about anything and someone who is experiencing everything for the first time.

like by my very nature, my nature being anxiety, and all that relates to it: insecurity, lack of confidence, untrusting, - i am someone who should not be loved. because i am so incompatible with this entity that is romance.

and what i want, i dont feel is something fair to ask. like i dont want to have to conform with preconceived notions of what a relationship is. i want all the things which i think a relationship should be. i want honesty and communication, i dont want games. i want every shade between the binaries- i dont want things to be polarised between yes and no. i want fluidity. i want things to be slow. i want things to be soft. i want things to happen when we want them, not when we think they should happen. i want friendship, at the beginning and at the core, and everything else is secondary. i want to be a priority. i want to know that i am wanted, i want to learn what it feels like to be important and valued. i want to feel special. i want someone who lets me invest myself in them, who doesnt think i am too much, who is patient, so fucking patient and understanding and compassionate. i want someone who doesnt belittle me because i dont understand sarcasm- because i always believe people are tellinf the truth. i want someone who will let me be pissed for a few days when i need to be, and will give me the space to workout my feelings, who wont pressure me into confronting things when they happen, who understand that good choices arent made in agitated moods, and will let me collect my thoughts and compose myself and will forgive me for the time i need to do that. i want someone who will let me write or be silent when i have too much in my head to talk, i want someone who understand that somedays i just cant talk and listen. i want someone who lets me exist, and accepts my forms of existence. i want someone who understands that (not to use this cliche line) but im not like other people, i have always said thst if people were wavelengths, then id have both a very short amplitude and a very long fequency, but not so flat that im a straight line, i exist very quietly and mostly serenely, and i need to be allowed to be small, because sometimes this means locking myself away for a couple days, sometimes it means not talking or making eye contact. im always very close to be a flatline, shutdown, dead. and i need to be allowed to be close to that. i need to be allowed to not be lively and big. im realising i might be discribing my depression. the thing im trying to explain, is i want someone who is rational and will let me exist as long as i am not causing them, myself, or anyone else any harm, (which is actually a p big deal considering i have not had the luxury of being allowed to be depressed).

#do not reblog #do not interact if you are over 25 #do not like if your likes are public

[xobliges]

MUSE AESTHETICS REPOST DON’T REBLOG

the softest palms that never want to touch you until after a bottle of wine. ╱ “ just braid your hair if you won’t brush it, at least, you useless girl. ” ╱ pulling on your skirt with one hand as you shuffle away. ╱ “ you’ll get it done before the day is up. ” ╱ guilt that isn’t yours to have. ╱ it’s a crooked game, but it’s the only one in town. ╱ chains. ╱ “ how could you do this to me? ” ╱ the sharp sting of guilt. ╱ you feel something even though you’re paid to do the opposite. ╱ the family you never had. ╱ falling backwards through time. ╱ quicksand. ╱ drowning, but you don’t save yourself. ╱ “ you’re getting better. ” ╱ “ they smile like a snake. ” ╱ you’re the stars and the sky. ╱ there’s a part of you that couldn’t stay away even if you were forced to. ╱ they are your wings, there’s no doubt there. ╱ “ let’s take off somewhere. let’s fly. ” ╱ you edge a bit too close to the sun. ╱another ghost to take your place after every stumble. ╱ deep roots in the ground slashed open in the sun.

rock candy melting in water. ╱ waves rise and leave the foam behind. ╱ the precipice you call home has a tip you’ll reach eventually. ╱ happiness is the best front a man can take. ╱ “ i’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you before. ” ╱ you disagree; they’re more beautiful. ╱ discomfort at the tiniest of touches. ╱ the sky opens up when you see them.╱ rain comes down. ╱ poppy fields. ╱ your sanity hanging by a thread. ╱ “ oh god, what have you done? ” ╱ roommates weren’t supposed to be the smartest ones of all. ╱ they’ve got a devil on their shoulder and an angel in their mind. ╱ you try to help, but it only got worse. ╱ now they’re dead, it’s all your fault. ╱ adam & eve in the garden. ╱ a temptress in crisp button-downs. ╱ “ fuck, you’ve gone off the deep end, haven’t you? ”╱ they lie so perfectly you almost forget yourself. ╱ the spark that lit the kindling on your funeral pyre. ╱ sugar and spice and a taste for the dark side.

yves saint laurent ╱ black opium on your pillow, a scented cloud drifting behind you like a cape. ╱ crisp green apples piled up on the table. ╱ your shoes are sharp, but your wit is even sharper. ╱ what a pretty one, they say. ╱ you laugh without humor. ╱ a soft, hollow spot sits in your chest. ╱ there’s a place you’ll never leave no matter who tries to stop you. ╱ the seat of power fits like a glove. ╱ heavy is the head that wears the crown. ╱ you share a space, but not a mind. ╱ they think you are weak; you are, maybe. ╱ “ what are you going to do with all of these pills? ” ╱ an empty bird’s nest. ╱ broken pencil tips. ╱ there’s an empty paper in front of you that you’ll never fill. ╱ “ we want you to succeed. i hope you can grasp that. ” ╱ “ they weren’t there when it happened. ”

corruption. ╱ there’s a red string tying you together. ╱ the scent of whiskey on the horizon. ╱ “ you’re the best friend i’ve ever had. ” ╱ pink tipped fingers lock in secrecy. ╱ 99 red balloons drifting through a hazy sky. ╱ you try to lift your head up, but it’s so much effort. ╱ always walking on sunshine. ╱ there’s a million reasons to come down from the clouds, but you can’t be bothered. ╱ hair twisted up with glitter butterfly clips like a haphazard mobile. ╱you drift, but you know where you’re going. ╱ no one has any dirt on you because you’re infinitely spotless. ╱ the empty side of your bed they crawled into when they were nine. ╱ court hearings. ╱ “ I miss you. ” ╱ siblings are a funny thing. ╱ they point out every family-shaped hole in every picture on the mantelpiece. ╱ blackbird screaming ╱wake in nightmares ╱ are you an illusion? ╱ I don’t feel real. ╱ who is in control?

#facets of her holiness (mini hc) #queue are my hope! (queue)

[kiera-jpg]

so i saw you reblog sth and i just wondered are you a maladaptive daydreamer? if yes about how many aus do you have? btw loooove your blog lots❤️❤️

(THIS IS SO FCKIN LONG IM SORRY JUST SKIP IT IF UR MEANT TO BE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT)sorry i left this so long, but i had to think it over. i talked to some people about it and did a lil research and originally my answer was going to be not really - but right now its looking like i might be.for example, i was in a relatively long car ride this morning (we go this way a lot (too often) so im used to it. i popped in my earphones and fell headfirst into a a full fledged plotline with character development. i thought it happened to everyone. apparently not.i thought it was normal to be so absorbed in a daydream that sometimes ur head moves at the same time as the character in ur head. i was also thinking back and realised that as a kid i was so scared id accidentally make a noise or hum the song that related to it, i taught my tongue to lie against the roof of my mouth.and im pretty sure that all falls under maladaptive daydreaming? i could be wrong but thats what we were bonding overas for the au - its currently about two boys who grew up in this small town in the middle of nowhere. theyre were part of a tough looking friend group that did all the rebellious teenage shit u see in the movies. these bois were hella in love and spent half the time roughhousing each other and the other half cuddling and being cute. boy a has this dream of being a musician/singer and shows boy b all the songs. hes more level headed and is trying to study real hard so he can get out of the small town. while boy b is like 'im not booksmart im stuck here forever' and but doodles all these nice sketches in his spare time.so boy a gets this chance to leave and become the guitarist for some up-in-coming pop band and its not really his sound but he gets to leave! but heres the problem, boy b doesnt get to leave. hes v happy for boy a but is scared that boy a w be an idiot and say no when he realises hes leaving boy behind.boy a almost decides to call it off, but boy b is like doNT U DARE. so they have one last week together before boy a has to go and on the last day boy b says 'tomorrow we're friends but tonight we get to stay lovers'. boy a's band gets super duper famous and boy a is marketed as a straight™. he keeps writing songs about boy b but never brings them to the band.years later he decides 'fuck it' and decides he wants to make a whole album dropping the truth on all the fangirls. he records all the songs with the right pronouns, with the right sounds and texts boy b for the first time in years saying he wants him to be in the final music video (my boi is v dramatic so all the songs have videos).boy b is like lmao the studio will not let that happen ur ganna lose ur job but whatever sure.boy a refuses to give anyone any info on the album, showing it to three close friends who very vaguely reference one song being more important than the others.boy b is like i cant believe ur fucking doing this ur an idiot but i miss u. so they film the first time the two see each other and the hug for the music video. they do all these scenes showing the dynamic of the relationship and that shit. theres like half an hour of outtakes of boy b being a little shit thats too funny to trash so when it all ends and everyone is freaking out because "WHO THE FUCK IS HE KISSING U CANT JUST END IT THERE" they post the thirty minutes of banter. when all is over boy a is like 'u single still?' and bou b is like 'yeah u?' and they decide 'fuck the system' and become a power couple and boy b finally gets some recognition on his drawings.lmao sorry its so long but if u bothered reading it good on u. probably wasnt worth it but thanks anyway.