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luboytn · 5 years

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rami’s thoughts about you

a/n: wow. hi there, yall! if you have any ideas of story that I should write about-jus tell me bout it! I’m writing about rami n all characters he played. hope u will like my work! thx tysm

pairing: Rami Malek x reader

summary: you work at the café. rami is having crush on u and after a long time he finally decided to ask u about your number.

warnings: -

word count: 1500+

_________

I watch her long, tanned legs as she heads towards me. Y/N is wearing a white dress today with various colorful flowers; it reaches almost to her knees. She has ordinary white converss on his feet, which are already slightly damaged and dirty. Her hair is once again associated in a ponytail, which is decorated with a sweet, small bow. At the waist, a black apron with a logo of the apartment is tied.

I'm asking myself; How does this girl withstand this weather in this outfit? How aren’t her legs freezing when the north wind blows outside the window, which is like a breath of arctic cold, and every other day it is raining?

I look out the window for a moment. I see many people outside, half of whom are already wearing large, down jackets, prepared for the winter and frosts. What's wrong with this girl?

I bite my lip and tap my fingers on the table top. It's so annoying to have someone absorbing your thoughts. It distracts you from everything, because it is so unattainable, and at the same time literally, at your fingertips.

- Good morning. - I hear her velvety, sweet like candy, voice, so I look at her. In addition to small freckles, today her face is also decorated with a wide, snow-white smile, which sends in my direction when our eyes meet. My gaze goes down to the notebook, which she holds in her hands; I stop my eyes for a moment, focusing it on her long nails. Each of them is painted in a different color, which seems to me quite an interesting solution.

I do not know how long I watch them, but when I hear the girl grunt, I go back to the living and raise my head, looking her in the eye now.

- Welcome to "Lucky Strike" - she says again - Can I accept your order now? - she asks, and I am correcting myself in my chair.

I grab a card of dishes in my hands, although I know well that I am going to order what is usual. I am reading letters on paper again, and then I say:

- Classic Italian espresso. - I smile at her, what she reciprocates, and then sketch something on the notebook sheet.

- Anything else? - she asks without looking up, and I shake my head denying. - I'll give it in a second. - she says.

Y/N turns around, hiding a small notebook into the only pocket of her uniform, and then goes away. I suspend my eyes on her perfect hips, but it only lasts a moment.

I watch her enter the counter. She pushes under the cup shelf one of the crates that lie on the floor and then climbs onto it. She is too small to even now calmly reach for the desired dish. A pretty, charming sight, standing on tiptoe like a ballerina and trying to take off one of the cups. When she succeeds in a moment, involuntarily a creepy smile sneaks into my face, because I can see that it is the one with blue flowers.

I wonder why she is still giving me coffee in it. I mean, in this specific cup. Literally all the other espresso cups are completely white, and the one that stands out is the one that goes to me every next time.

Did she bring her it here? It is quite distinct, because it is the only one that is different. Maybe it's a kind of message? Is Y/N trying to tell me something? Oh, what am I saying. What would she want to show through a stupid vessel? That she likes blue flowers? Absurd.

I shake my head, fleeing my thoughts back to the brunette. I watch her turning on the coffee machine, doing two neat turns. It looks like she really loved this job because you can always see a smile on her face. She comes here every day joyful. She does pirouettes from time to time, for no reason, and laughs at herself, like a small child. It is such a delightful sight that you would like to come here just to see it. It is the best attraction that I have seen in my life.

I do not even know when, and I start to grin with myself and I have to look a bit strange, but I'm not really caring about it at the moment. I have such a sweet view in front of my eyes, I cant help how my body reacts.

I feel my heart beat faster when the brunette finishes making coffee and walks with the t towards me. She looks like a kind who intends to show off her drawings.

She leans over the table at which I sit. She puts a cup in front of me, saying kindly to "enjoy your coffee”. Then I pay attention again to her hands, and more precisely to the fingers that run gracefully through pure porcelain, when, after a really short moment, they disappear from my vision, I raise my head.

Unchecked, I get up on my feet, almost pouring freshly ordered coffee. I make a bit of noise, so the couple from the neighboring table looks at me, but after a few second they return around.

- Can I still order something else? - I ask, one hand raising slightly upwards, as if I was a student in a school bench. Penny turns to me, then with a smile, returns to me and stands at the table, leaning on it.

- Of course. How can I help you? - after asking questions, she reaches for a notebook and a pen, waiting for my next order. I begin to feel a slight anxiety and stress and suddenly, immensely strong, I am tempted to drink.

- Could I get your number? - I say before I even manage to mentally prepare for possible rejection. My eyes widen because I'm shocked that I've gotten the courage to ask her about it.

There is a somewhat awkward silence between us that echoes in my ears. Believe me, even when you hear no sound, this kind of silence can be deadly loud.

- My number? - Asks brunette, frowning, and I feel my face paler. I want to break the window next to us and run outside; run and run ahead, so no one would know where I am.

I'm starting to rebuke myself for my stupidity. Why did not I think she could have a boyfriend? She is so beautiful, kind and young, who would not like it for their self? Who would not want it to be their property? She may even be engaged or, worse, she has already got married; she has a child or even a bunch of them.

My hands are prone to itch because I really want to smash something. I'm mad at myself. Why didnt I thought about that I may be not her type? She probably already noticed that I come here five times a week, at the same time, and order the same coffee; and when I do, I start to observe her. I don’t exclude the possibility that at this stage she considers me a murderer or a pervert. If I was her - would have thought about myself that way. What normal guy, approaching up to fourty, looks at the same woman, in addition younger, for a year, grinning like an idiot, while drinking coffee?

- I think it would be better if you were to give me yours. - I hear Y/N’s voice, which pulls me out of the momentary state of reflection. I am slightly confused and try to understand her way of thinking. I raise one eyebrow, remaining quiet.

Does she not want to hurt me by giving me the wrong number, but she still has no heart to reject me?

- I do not have a phone, I'll call you from the booth. - she explains, probably seeing my embarrassment.

- Oh - I say - Yes, sure. Give me a piece of paper, I'll write it down for you - Im trying to sound natural, although I have a panic attack inside.

The girl pulls a piece of paper from her notebook and hands it to me with the pen. I enter my phone number on the card, trying to preserve the cute character of the letter. When I finish, i give it to the brunette, she puts it in her pocket, after folding it in half.

- What happened to your cell phone? - I ask, hoping that I do not violate her privacy or I do not enter delicate topics. Who knows if her phone has not been stolen recently, along with other valuable things? Or maybe she has no money to buy it?

- I just dont have it. - she answers briefly, seems slightly embarrassed. She has her head down and the pen in her fingers. Oh, if you could see her now; how sweet she is. I bet I assigned her this epithet at least fifty times today. However, it fits perfectly with her, she could be a definition of this word.

At this point, it does not even seem strange to me that she does not have a cell phone. Well, I admit that in the twenty-first century, it's harder to find someone without a phone than with it. Especially when it's a person, more or less, my age, and Y/N seems even younger.

Then I start to wonder how old she actually is? She looks like she is twenty-one, plus I've seen her drinking alcohol more than once, so she can’t be younger, right? I would not call her older than me, I'm sure. Therefore, I estimate that she may be about twenty-two years old. However, her low height and the clothes she used to wear make me puzzled, because if I look only at it, I would call her a teenager, maybe even a preschooler.

- I'll call you before I start work. I hope you are not asleep before eight. - she says with a smile that I reciprocate.

- No, I'm not sleeping. Relax, you have nothing to worry about. - I'm lying, because I usually get up at ten o'clock, but I would pick up my phone even if she was going to call in the middle of the night.

- That's good. - she smiles, hiding the card with my number in the pocket of her uniform. - I need to get back to work - she says, in a sweet voice, then moves away from the coffers in a lively step.

- I’m Rami, by the way - I'm screaming after her before she can get far away from where she would not hear me anymore. She only turns her head, and from her mouth movement I can read - "I know."

It does not take much to wonder how she knows my name. In fact, I immediately reject the idea of divorcing myself.

I sit back in my seat and let it out of my lungs. I'm still watching Y/N, until she finally disappears from the field of my vision as she enters through the dark door to the back.

I want to jump around the whole café; just shout and run around the tables, ignoring the others. I cover my mouth with a hand when a stupid, pride smile sneaks into it. With the fingers of the other hand I hit the table top, because my body is not able to behave calmly now.

Joy, excitement permeate all of me and I have the impression that any moment i will explode from the excess of intensity of these emotions.

I punish myself in my thoughts for procrastination with Y/N’s approach. She is so nice. Who knows, maybe if I started talking to her faster, we would be in a relationship that would bring us closer till we’d become a boyfriend and girlfriend; or at least friends with benefits.

#rami malek #rami malek imagine #imagine #one shot #imagine rami malek #mr robot #imagines #eliot alderson #freddie mercury #malek #rami malek x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #rami malek fanfiction #writing #writer #rami x reader

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noctisluciscaelumcxiv · 6 years

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This is probably a wildly inappropriate rant but oh well. Idk how to do readmore links on mobile so here’s some stars

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When i was really young I would always tell everyone i knew that i haaaated my ma. Like a real ass hatred. Then i got a bit older and felt really bad for saying it bc she raised me or whatever but u know what? Nah, that feeling nvr left, I just became too afraid to say anything. I guess what’s really really got me is just. She seems like the type who if I seriously went up to her and told her i am worried abt my mental health and am contemplating suicide she’d probably say something like “well then die.” And i dont think i should feel this way abt a parent. I’m not sure if others feel this way, hell i think even my sis doesn’t feel the same. I just. Very bad vibes man. And like, the other day she was talking bout some guy whose daughter died uhhhh i think 10/20 years ago? And every year on the anniversary of her death he goes through a really deep depressive period for about a month. Her response? “Well if he’s so depressed abt something that happened so long ago, he should just kill himself!” Like? I’m not the only who finds that terrifying right? I’m not crazy in thinking that saying that is really really scary? I mean, they already lead me to believe I’m crazy anyways so i dont know. But the fact that someone could say that and just. Smile through it. Laugh at it. It’s scary to me! And this isnt like one time thing, like this is just how she talks abt others. Imagine how she would say if i even mentioned how bad i feel. I already have to walk on eggshells and pretend nothing bothers me. I would loooove to say “hey i think I’m in a pretty bad place mentally!” And not be told that im faking, lying, overreacting! Hell, she may even tele me to just die i dont know. I’m sure this isn’t normal but idk. Justa rant I guess but i gotta know is this normal? Am I overreacting?

#personal #ahhhh sorry itsa rant day #probably just the lack of sleep

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megabadbunny · 6 years

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For the DxR fic meme: Nine x Rose; 01 G ☯

(Nine x Rose, Jackie’s flat, midnight, Rose’s diary; from @doctorroseprompts )

***

He knows he shouldn’t, and yet, here he is.

(But it’s not exactly his fault, is it? If she didn’t wanthim to see it, maybe she shouldn’t have left it lying around all public in theopen, conspicuous and winking at him and daring him to take a little peek,wriggling its (figurative) hips like a minx in red throwing a perfumed kissover one shoulder. Never mind the fact that it wasn’t lying around in public somuch as it was in her room, that it wasn’t in the open so much as it was tuckedunder her mattress.)

The Doctor glances around furtively, even though he knows noone will catch him in the act; the flat is empty of any other living thing,save for him and the dust motes colonizing the space beneath the rug. Rose andher oddity of a mum have whisked off somewhere or other (“a proper girls’night”, Jackie might’ve said, or might not have, as the Doctor might not havebeen listening) and Jack is goodness-knows-where with goodness-knows-whom, sothe Doctor figures he’s got a good few hours to himself before anyone returns.And he’s got to find some way to occupy himself, hasn’t he?

(Besides, it isn’t as if he went snooping specifically for it.More like, he snooped, and there it conveniently was. Also, he’s bored.)

Plunking himself down on her bed—not nearly as soft or plushas her TARDIS bed, he thinks with a smirk—the Doctor opens the book to thefirst page.

Dear dairy readsthe first line.

The Doctor chuckles. There is no date scrawled anywhere onthe page, but the scribbles and misspellings amidst very careful and deliberatestrokes tell the Doctor these words were written by someone who had only recentlylearned penmanship, and was determined to do it well.

Dear dairy

Hello how are you? Myname is Rose Marion Tyler. It is my brithday today I am 6 years old.

It’s almost impossible to imagine Rose ever being so young;far easier to picture her emerging fully-grown and stubborn-willed and jeopardy-friendlystraight from inception. But the Doctor tries, and in his mind’s eye he canalmost see her sitting on the bed—no, lying on it, stomach-down, her sock-cladfeet kicking idly in the air. Her hair, unbleached and light brown, would be pulledback into a ponytail, held in place by one of those what d’you-call-it’s. A scrunchie. Her head would bend down inconcentration over the diary as she clutched her pen tightly in her small fist.The Doctor imagines the pen to be pink, glittery, one of those gel-things, hopelesslyand wonderfully childish and girly, and his grin broadens.

Mummy and me had aparty in the park and Lottie and Fred cud not come but Shireen was there andMickey to and his gran and my grandad Prentis. Grandad brung cake from thestore it has had a heart drawed on and my name and there were candels.We had ice cream to. And I had prezents there was a barby and shoes and a newbell for my bike…

The list continues and the Doctor rolls his eyes fondly.Clearly, six-year-old Rose had decided to commit only the most pertinent ofdetails to memory. He flips through perhaps the first quarter of the diary, pausingat a mention of Mickey here, a drawing of a flower there, and watches as Rose’shandwriting grows more confident, her entries more substantial. Her diary is amicrocosm of her adventures with mates, days at school, developing crushes, thelikeability of some of Jackie’s boyfriends and the caddishness of others. Atrandom, the Doctor slips a finger between the pages and opens the diarymid-entry, perhaps a year or two along its timeline.

and it felt awful butI didnt say anything bc he was right I dont have a dad but Keisha got angry andtold him to butt out and mind his own business. So then Nick laughed and madefun of Keisha bout her mum and I thot Keisha might cry so I punched Nick in thenose and it bled and the head teacher says I cant come back to school for aweek. Mum says Im in trouble but she didnt stop granddad from buying me a 99 onthe way home and she said next time do a slap its easier on the nuckles.

The Doctor can just picture Rose, eight years old, eyesflashing and stance wide as she bloodies some little twerp’s nose with herfist. Now that—that is a Rose he has no trouble imagining. Laughing, the Doctorshakes his head and flips to a later entry.

8 Nov 1996

Dear diary,

We went to go see Dad yesterday.

The Doctor pauses, hesitates. He knows what the words mean—they’refigurative, not literal, because it would be another eleven years before Rose sawany more of Pete Tyler than old photos and a grave—but the memory of the daynine years earlier still sends a shiver down his spine, clenches something inhis gut in a guilty-sick feeling he can’t quite explain.

Mum told me the storyagain. She seemed all right definitely better than the last time. I think thephotos help. Granddad came to and I don’t think he rly liked Dad very much buthe was nice about him today nicer than on other days. Afterwards Mum went todrop me off with Mickey but he said she needed me so I went on home and she seemeda little happier but she still cried a bit.

The Doctor wrinkles his nose. Something about Mickey theIdiot doing a good turn makes him grumpy. Who does that idiot think he is,anyway?

We had tea and fellasleep in front of the telly. I wanted to make her dinner but there was nothingin and I couldnt find anything in her purse so I went down to Ms Nodd’s bc she’sout seeing her grandson and I got the spare key from under her flower pot and Ilooked in her bedroom and found a few pounds and took them. I bought Mum aChinese from her favourite place and she didnt ask where I got the money so I didnttell her. I dont think Ms Nodd would know it was me that took it but I stillfeel bad I just didnt know what else to do. Ill pay her back when I get somemoney for my bday.

Nice old bird, that Ms Nodd. Much nicer than some of theother tenants on the Estate, with her blue-tinged hair and cheerful smile andwithered old hands that freely distribute home-baked biscuits to errant TimeLords who just happen to be handy with a squeaky front door. The Doctor makes amental note to liberate an ATM of a couple hundred-pound-notes at his earliestopportunity and slip them into her flat.

He reads a few more pages—comfortably silly stuff, all ofit, more crushes and rants about school and discussions of celebrities andfashion and Rose’s favorite things on telly—until his fingers land on an oddlybrittle page, warped in places, buckling. Several of the words are nearlyimpossible to discern, smudged as they are, and it takes the Doctorapproximately .003 seconds to identify the water marks as tears.

(There’s no dear diaryhere, no date. The words simply begin, as if writing anything more than theabsolutely necessary would take too much energy. Like it would hurt too much.)

Granddad’s gone.

The Doctor sighs, and his hearts each break a little foryoung Rose, curled up in her bed and crying bitter tears into her pillow. Tenyears old is far too young to experience the cruelty of such a loss. But it isn’tas if it gets any easier at any other age. The Doctor knows that to be painfullytrue.

Had a heart attack.Doctors said he went in his sleep and didn’t feel anything. I hope that’s true.Mum said he’s with the angels now but that’s stupid. The angels don’t need him wedo. I already miss him.

Mum can’t stop crying.I wish Dad was here.

And there’s that feeling again in the Doctor’s gut, thesquirmy-sicky one. Almost as if his stomach knows he shouldn’t be doing this,like his body is punishing him. It was all well and good reading about the funfrivolities of a carefree primary-schooler, but this sort of thing—this issomething else. Something deep and personal, a compound fracture of emptinessand hurt. The Doctor knows should stop reading now. He really should.

(He doesn’t.)

It takes a few weeks for the mentions of Granddad Prentice tostart fading, but eventually, they do, fading away to be gradually replaced bythe normality of everyday life. Sometimes months pass between diary-entries;other times, years. The Doctor smiles as he glances over recountings of schooldays and formals and skipping classes, of Jackie’s eccentric cluster of boyfriends,of fights with friends and happy makings-up after, of holidays and gossip andhopes for the future. The day Rose and Shireen fall out over a boy is marked byan obscene amount of swearing and words crossed-out and pencil-punctures dugdeep into the page; the day Mickey asks Rose to be his girlfriend is noted withexclamation points and a lipgloss-kiss.

The day Rose meets Jimmy Stone is noted with a single heartthat simply reads Mrs Rose Stone.

Grimacing at the words, the Doctor forces himself to presson.

OMG met this bloke Jimmyyesterday n he was soooo fit reads the next entry. Shireen and Keisha and me went down the pub and he was playing in theband and I thot he fancied Keisha at first but after he asked for my number ♡ ♡ ♡I kno it doesn’t mean nothing so I didn’ttell Mickey cos no point in him worrying and he gets so jealous anyway lol

Awww, poor jealous ickle Mickey, thinks the Doctor. He snortsderisively. Human beings—so quick to such petty reactions. He’s very glad hedoesn’t have to worry about silly things like that.

Still, it’s a little surprising when, just a few pages later,things have already progressed by leaps and bounds. Jimmy kissed me! leaps out from the page, followed by things like Mickey and me had a fight and Snuck out to hear Jimmy play downtownand Went to the cinema with Jimmy and he puthis hand up my sk

Hearts hammering, the Doctor flips past that page before hiskeen eyes have a chance to read any further. For some reason, the thought ofJimmy putting his hand up anything of Rose’s—indeed, of Jimmy or some otherfool even thinking about touching her, anywhere, with anything—makes him burn abit under the collar. Unpleasant, that. Maybe he’d better take a look at Jackie’sthermostat, make sure it’s doing its job, because it certainly doesn’t feellike it.

(Still, he skips the several pages that follow, just to besafe.)

said if Iwalked out that door I’d better not walk back in and you know what screw her.She’s wasted her whole life crying about Dad and never doing anything withherself and never doing anything for me. I hate her I would rather die then belike her

Eyes widening in surprise, the Doctor quickly scans over thenext few pages, his concern deepening by the second.

love Jimmy andno one can tell me any different and if Mum really knew what love was then she’dunderstand

Im so glad I’mwith him now he gets me like no one else ever has or ever will, ♡ him forever

didnt want totake my a-levels anyway not like it means anything out in the real world

moving into aflat together next week can’t wait ♡♡♡

and I love himbut I wish he’d get a job cos the gigs don’t make enough n I can’t covereverything on my own

came home drunkagain last night n wouldnt tell me where he’d been

told me I’dbetter cough up the rest of the rent by next weekend or else he would

And then, nothing.

The Doctor frowns. Whatever he would do is left unexplained, torn away along with a wholecluster of pages in the diary, leaving a ragged little scar behind where wordsand feelings used to sit. The Doctor runs a finger along the page-stumps leftin the spine, and wonders.

What could have happened that was so bad that even the memoryof it had to be ripped away?

The next entry picks up a few weeks later. It does notmention Jimmy. Instead, the page displays only a handful of lonely words:

He wasright. I’m so stupid.

It takes a moment for the Doctor to realize that the diaryis shaking in his hands. But that’s only because he’s gripping it so tightlyhis knuckles are glowing bright white in an attempt to jump out of his skin. Andsuddenly he’s glad, in quite a perverse way, that he has witnessed thedestruction of the Reapers firsthand, because otherwise the temptation to pilotthe TARDIS back in time to ensure that Jimmy Stone never hurt Rose—that henever so much as existed, never so much as blighted this planet with even asingle vile breath—would be so strong that he’s not entirely sure he’d be ableto stop himself.

Forcing himself to calm, the Doctor skips forward, hopefullyto an entry that won’t cause hisblood to boil angrily in his ears. Now phrases like moved back in with Mum today and applied at Henriks greet his eyes, and he feels the muscles in hisshoulders begin to relax.

and a sweet ginger boy’sstarted coming round, Mum named him Jonesy

but the new job’s notso bad

going out to the clubswith Shireen

Mickey stopped by withflowers today and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong

anyway we’re datingagain

nothing’ll come of itbut some blokes won in Bristol last week so who knows, maybe we’ll win a littlesomething n I could get Mum something nice

a little boring Iguess but prolly about the best I can expect for now

So my job blew uptoday???

Now a grin spreads across the Doctor’s face, lighting it upfrom ear-to-ear. Finally. Took longenough to get here. Now for the reallygood stuff.

Fingers tingling in anticipation, he turns the page.

Nothing.

The Doctor flips through the remaining pages, hunting forsomething, anything, but nothing buta sea of white greets his eyes, winking up at him obnoxiously without so muchas a single date or scribble or scrawl to capture his attention. The rest ofthe diary is completely, utterly blank.

Huffing in irritation, the Doctor sits back, flipping thebook closed with a scowl. It makes a certain sense, he supposes, but still.Really? She’ll write about ice cream and Barbies and school gossip and Mickeythe Idiot but no mention of the TARDIS, no asides about traveling through timeand space, no discussion of Dickens or Slitheen or bitchy trampolines or 900year-old Time Lords taking her by the hand to show her anything her littleheart could ever possibly—

CLANG.

“I just found it!” blurts out the Doctor without eventhinking, pushing off the bed and whirling round to face Rose’s open bedroomdoorway. But no one stands there; indeed, if his superior hearing is anythingto go by (and it usually is), there’s no one within several meters of him, certainlyno one in the flat. And the continuing ding-dang-dongbell’s sound, ringing at twelve lazy but significant intervals, informs himthat his nervousness was for naught—it’s just Jackie’s old grandfather clock,noisily (and unnecessarily, the Doctor thinks with a grump) proclaiming thetime.

It’s midnight. Probably Rose and Jackie will be home soon. Andprobably he shouldn’t let them know he was nosing through Rose’s diary.

(Even if it wasn’t his fault, seeing as they left him aloneand bored and unoccupied in the flat, and even if he didn’t find what he waslooking for—even if he’s not entirely certain what that was.)

As he slips the diary back into its hiding-place beneathRose’s mattress, it occurs to him that there are any number of reasons Rosemight not be writing things in a diary any more—she forgot it at home, or she’stoo tired after their adventures, or too distracted, or maybe she’s even got anew one aboard the TARDIS, hidden somewhere equally silly. But there’s anotheroption too, he realizes; that she’s simply too happy to see the need forwriting things down, that she is too busy living her memories to think of takingthe time to document them. The thought warms him, contentment blooming in hischest, and he leaves Rose’s room with a smile, closing the door behind him.

(He still checks her room on the TARDIS just in case.)

***

part ii

#ficandchips #nine x rose #ninerose #ninexrose #nine/rose #prompt fill #thanks for the prompt dear!#<3 <3 <3

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Indie & Rio

Indie: can we chat? Rio: 'Course we can Indie: you still mad tho? Rio: No Rio: Serious Indie: me either Indie: my heart b heavy but not w that Rio: What's wrong, babe? Indie: all things Indie: its bad here Rio: How bad? Indie: dred like i dont wanna drag you back in but i cant cope w it Rio: Don't worry about me Rio: I'll have to sort some stuff here but how soon do you need me back Rio: and what can I do 'til then, like Indie: let me be w you i wont 2s mckenna or no thing Indie: but i gotta be out Indie: theres too many fucking situations Rio: alright Rio: of course Rio: i'll sort the uber now, where am I sending it Rio: is it the things i know or has something else, or multiple something else's happened? Indie: [sends random ass location because honestly where the fuck she wanna be rn] Indie: theres more and worse Indie: how you want it? Rio: First tell me you're safe Rio: then tell me however's easiest for you Indie: I'm proper high rn are they gonna let me come to london? Rio: Yeah, obviously don't bring anything but if it's gone it's gone Rio: You'll be fine Indie: safe Indie: i got none left to bring Indie: it been like that Rio: Damn Rio: Say no more, but do Indie: i get why my ma werent trying to do nothing but this Indie: cept its there still when you come thru Rio: That's the problem Indie: cant keep it goin innit cant keep no thing goin Indie: cant keep drew from wildin acting like a younger bringin feds to my door and my boy on my back cos hes fave target Indie: neither chatting to me like i done this Indie: did i? idk Rio: Nah, you didn't Rio: I can't even expand on it because just no, how could it be you Indie: thats how the boy treating me like i livin for the drama Indie: but the feds want drew in the pen & thats how he want it cos theres nothing left for him to fuck up in these ends Indie: i cant stop it none Rio: That ain't you though Rio: and who would be about this shit, it's the worst Rio: As for Drew Rio: I'm sorry Rio: We've been here before, there's no talking to him when he's in that space Rio: and that isn't on you Indie: every day we on this he be spitting angry at me throwing shit around but acting like im the one creating Indie: its too hard Indie: and yeah then theres drew back on his bullshit Indie: w the only apology yours to hold cos he aint offering Indie: i want him gone & i put that out into the universe so mayb i did it Indie: this is proper gone tho & that baby gonna be born soon Rio: Oh babe Rio: He don't know you like that, he shouldn't be treating you like that, standard Rio: even if you were the biggest drama queen in the world but you ain't and he got you so fucked up on that Rio: Nah, he's doing it all himself, even if you thought you wanted it or still do if not this way Rio: you can't make him do the dirt he do, or make him not Rio: The baby will be good, it'll have it's Ma and Bea is staying with her still and everyone else, you know it'll be okay Rio: what about you though baby Indie: how i let him chat to me that way? who am i rn? wtf Indie: i just want our yard back and you back and things to be what they were Indie: but its not Indie: cos even if we there what kinda ma she trying to be for real? im spinning out but like where in the universe is she @ Indie: & none of this is gonna hurt you most Indie: thats the last thing i aint chatted Rio: We've all put up with shit we shouldn't have Rio: 'cos we thought it'd pay off Rio: You ain't alone in that, nor does it make you less you even if it makes you feel less altogether Rio: I can try to talk to Drew, about the flat, idk if I can make that happen but if he goes jail he loses his lease, he only kept it in the past 'cos his boss' would pay it if he dealt inside, like but he ain't got the clout he used to have Rio: accept it or nah, no doubt we could chat about me taking it on if it comes to that but i ain't making promises Rio: I know but, you gotta trust we will all be there for damage control Rio: we're all alright ish, yeah? Rio: Go ahead, babe, I can handle it Indie: i got caught up cos i wanted someone to be for me & about me one time & everyone else has somewhere to lean Indie: you and mckenna being goals in my face Indie: everything else was a mess but i just added Indie: and now she has Indie: cos what i gotta tell you is bills told me edie be gone Indie: hardcore packed up and run out Rio: i know there's nothing i can say to make you feel less shit about it but i swear to you babe, we've all been there Rio: you know i have Rio: it doesn't make it better for you but it ain't your fuckup, it's one we all go through to grow through, yeah? no bullshit Rio: she did talk to buster but Rio: i didn't think it'd be anything more than normal Rio: i'll tell ma Indie: i reckoned bills was gonna cry she was carrying that much worry Indie: i aint no what to tell her Rio: I'll talk to her too Rio: I don't know what I'll say but Rio: it'll be alright, we can sort this Indie: i been swerving dem all hard as you Indie: more than she got detention for how hard she was trying to hit me up she said Indie: doing everyone the dirtiest ever why i gotta leave Rio: I can't blame you Rio: This shit is hard Rio: and painful Rio: I'm sorry I left you alone Indie: he aint try and fuck me i got no excuses Indie: [sends selfie] am I 😢 I can't feel it so what you seeing? Indie: not trying to be out here in the wild 💔😭 Rio: Baby calm down okay, you're good Rio: Your flight is booked and the uber is en-route Rio: I sent all your deets to you, all you gotta do is get here Rio: we're gonna sort all this okay and the shit we can't we gonna make bearable at least Indie: i dont have anything tho cant b living in mckennas garms after the last Indie: he gon b mad enough im rolling up likely Rio: No he won't Rio: I got plenty of shit you can borrow don't stress on that Rio: Nance has got a mental wardrobe here too Indie: o yeah other mckenna Indie: always sleeping on her living there too Indie: she aint but she do Rio: Exactly, I've had to borrow her bed loads of times before and you know they living that en-suite life Rio: you can stay for as long as you need Indie: innit what school gon do put drew in prison? 😂 Rio: Tbh Rio: In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter rn, soz teachers Indie: ill screenshot them words like my ma says Rio: I missed you Indie: safe cos imma be in your face soon Rio: wish it was under better circumstances, like Rio: but we'll get there Indie: @ the age to have a breakdown once a wk soz bout it 😂 Rio: that i can handle Rio: nothing that a pint of ben & jerry's and some chill time can't Indie: warn mckenna to lock up his squad & we all good Rio: 😏 Will do Rio: he's not really rolling with them rn so temptation should be outta the way Indie: 😍💍 be like Indie: i feel it Rio: Erm I ain't that hoe 😣😂 Indie: theres how you say & how you do bitch 😏💘😂 Indie: 👀 you from the front row in a few Rio: 🙄😔 am I really that bad Indie: nah nah Indie: mckenna be amp as Indie: its a good link Rio: Yeah but I mean Rio: do you feel like I've been ignoring you Rio: pre you know, that bullshit Indie: allow it babe Indie: you never done nobody that way Rio: Promise Rio: 'cos that ever what I was trying to be Indie: you always on the clock & your game Indie: trust Rio: Alright, 'nuff about me Rio: is there anything else you need, either now or for when you get here? Indie: gon need to grab my shit while 👻ing this boy Indie: standard juggle Indie: if hes been holding that long & not dashed it out ill break in Rio: You're gonna take some mates with you, yeah? Indie: bitch please i dont need the lads knoing my business that hard Rio: is it a good idea tho, even if he got his own van u kno they all got each other's backs, like Rio: be careful, all i'm saying Indie: they aint gonna call the feds on me man Indie: ill leave it til im back need a clearer head than this for a lock pick Rio: Yeah, don't worry 'bout it now Rio: anything replaceable we can sort now Indie: im not tryin to lose my head over things rn Indie: if imma be in london i got what i need Rio: That's the main thing Rio: and I ain't gonna come at you with 20 questions either, like Rio: space can include from me, just lemme know what you're feeling Indie: i been had enough space from you girl Indie: i miss you Rio: was hoping you'd say that Indie: i love you more than Indie: thats the mood Rio: i love you too Rio: no outs Indie: dont lets lose each other again Indie: 💖💖 Rio: never 🧡 Indie: how long this uber tryna be im 😫😫😫 Indie: imma b sleepin on this wall like i kicking it nursery rhyme vibes Rio: it's saying it's nearly there on the app Rio: if you gonna crash at the airport make sure you near the gate tho Indie: safe Indie: o sick idea Indie: the plane not trying to be up long enough for that shit tho innit Rio: legit its as quick as the bus into town like Rio: be here in no time Indie: its a madness Rio: yeah, see, it's not that far really Indie: feels like Indie: but mayb thats just how i want it so i can 👻 this town harder than afore Rio: it's far enough for that Rio: ain't letting drew out the country are they Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: not less they start deporting crooks old school like when 🐨 country just one big pen Rio: He wishes Rio: always got his top off like we living that life here Indie: fr like he needs a tan to appear more peng nah nah Rio: if we wanna get a new wifey Rio: least if she out there we unlikely to be related to her so go off Indie: true true Indie: unless he tryna head to spain for my nan we all good Rio: 😬 Rio: yikes, not a mental image we need Indie: idk i hear she keeps things tight & fresh Indie: hes done worse Rio: Stop 😩 Rio: 'less you gonna bring me one of them sick bags Indie: get you a straw donkey when he drag me out there for the 💒 Indie: i got you Rio: when u don't wanna be nan but u down to be ma Indie: least she too old to put a 👶 in Indie: & it aint like being down to be ma is top of his list for how he want his wifeys Indie: that ones just for you like Indie: ro not trying to mother me no mind the one she growing rn Rio: Fair Rio: Willing to put up with his shit and mother him is clearly more vital Rio: 'low it with the mommy issues like he's the only one going without Rio: twat Indie: o snap Indie: just cos yours aint want you boy dont mean you gotta kill mine tho Rio: o snapped too soon Rio: but he ain't get snapped on enough for that Indie: when he offering you dem same goodies ☠ Indie: thanks dad Indie: you a real one Rio: waste Rio: he's so fucked Indie: i was 👍 Indie: down & out Indie: what that make me? Rio: you a kid Rio: not chatting down to you, but you allowed to be is what I mean Rio: he's grown and he caused your shit, he should know and do better so you could Rio: literally his job Indie: idc now if he show up for astrid thatd do man Indie: grown past him still Rio: Yeah Rio: we'll have to wait n see if he can be arsed to prove himself Rio: idk if he's been allowed near since you know Indie: not from what ive 👂 Indie: coulda changed since he stopped chatting at me tho Indie: or he coulda just been chattin it so it dont look his fault he swervin Rio: wouldn't blame them from keeping him away rn, your hormones are fucked and she's never had much sense when it came to him Rio: but i don't know if it's a forever deal or what Indie: i can see her lawin it cos he burned her so hard w this Indie: proper owned Indie: she aint tryin to let you come thru & you fam so Rio: well you know Indie: cant call her out that hard when it aint that different from how my ma tryin to be when Indie: they all 🤡 for him Rio: yeah Rio: i don't get it Rio: whatever, he's good looking Indie: so your da he aint a wasteman w it Rio: it's easier to be treated like shit sometimes though than accept the love init Indie: call out 🔫 at me bitch Rio: not what i was going for Rio: just saying he ain't special with it, we all do it Indie: 👀 you Rio: 😏 shh Indie: 😂 Rio: neway Rio: he's out, yeah? Indie: innit Rio: 👍 Indie: how you livin Indie: gimme dat 411 Rio: yeah good tbh, the place where i work is cool Rio: i'm just doing promo stuff 'cos i don't wanna get too into anything obvs but it's fun, not dry like the angel was getting Indie: sick! they gonna let me in or ⛔ Rio: see what i can do Rio: sure we get u made up no one gonna be too amp Indie: dont 🤡 me Indie: keep it 💋 Rio: oi don't be doubting my skillz Rio: you ever seen me out like that 😂 rude Indie: doubtin my ability to carry all that Indie: you ever seen me in 👠 bitch Rio: you don't need 'em when you out with me Rio: only just be touching your height in mine so Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: 😣 be looking stupid short 'round here Indie: you will stand w mckenna Rio: what i'm sayin Indie: 😍 gotta travel far 💖💖 baby Indie: good thing he extra too Rio: 😂 Indie: hows the love Rio: I don't wanna be extra about it at you Rio: but it is good Rio: and no one totally flipped shit on it so Indie: im not that 💔💔💔 you cant speak on it Indie: boy dont get to do me dirty and keep me pining long Rio: That's my girl Rio: 💪 Indie: throw shit @ me again he gon catch these hands Rio: serious, what a cunt Rio: he ain't gonna have the chance Indie: do me a solid & dont tell the fam yeah? your ma only just calmin after wanting to merk drew Rio: 'course Rio: you got it handled Rio: they don't need to know every little thing Indie: i did nearly run there the other thinkin i was gonna be baby'd up same time as my step ma near Indie: but nah 🍀 Rio: remind me to take you drs yeah Rio: 😰 Indie: its chill i not letting any lads near me in the 24 or out of Rio: still, with your memory, i don't think the pill is the one we'll get you the implant maybe Rio: or the coil, they last time Indie: sexy Indie: he was wrapped but it got fucked up idk was wild Indie: get them posho london drs to sort me 😂😂😂 Rio: nah you wanna be the one in control of that shit babe trust Indie: 👑👑👑 Indie: i feel that Rio: boys be mad dumb that shit could be old or ripped there's no telling Indie: fr 😒😒🙄🙄 Indie: he only got a year on me too idc how many girls he tryna chat he been w he dont kno that much Rio: You can defs take off at least 20% of whatever he chatting Rio: Trust Indie: serious? Rio: Probably Rio: or think about how many of them were like Rio: 5 minute fumbles at parties and shit Rio: doesn't really do much for your game even if its a numbers booster Indie: tell me mckennas i wont say shit to him swear down Rio: 😂 i would but idk Rio: i ain't asked Indie: girl WHAT Indie: bitch imma do it for you Indie: we taking off like 90% for him 'cause how he like to chat or nah? Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: I can imagine like, I don't need confirmation Rio: Poor baby 😂 Indie: do he kno your numbers? Rio: Nope Rio: 'less he tryna keep track like that which I doubt lmao Indie: its jam we can keep em on 🔒 Rio: Idc I'd tell you Rio: but he ain't wanna know trust Indie: boy too jel Indie: how they all be Rio: you know Indie: drew be tellin me how to do w my body like he something to me so we can let mckenna stand Rio: yeah that's a whole nother thing Rio: that ain't cute or wanted Indie: he aint 😂😂😂 Rio: truth hurts 😂 Indie: innit tho Rio: ur uber says its there so pull up Indie: i be waving to someone Indie: gotta b Rio: kinda excited even though it's cos everything is shit Indie: it me you gotta be hype 💖💖💖 Rio: That's alright then 😘 Indie: what mckenna say bout it? Rio: He's cool, gonna talk to his Dad so we don't have to Rio: getting food too to show he can, like Indie: trying to flex o boy Rio: ever since you dissed him Rio: gotta get good Indie: he need be told 👌 Indie: bring 🍔 🍕🍟 any of Indie: it aint hard if you smart Rio: idk if he taking orders but i'll let him know 😏 Indie: hit him w a screenshot and add 🥊 or 💪 Indie: 💍💍💍 life be like Rio: You have no idea babe Rio: getting it from both of yous again now 😜 Indie: is it? he wearin the 👖 thats how you 😍😍 Indie: i been knew Indie: 💘💘💘 Rio: Shut up 😩 Rio: That just how it be in the bedroom don't get it twisted Indie: 😏😏 when he such a daddy you let him wear the 👑 out 😏😏😏 Rio: yeah you lucky you still a flight away Rio: 🥊 'fore 💋 forreal Indie: 😂😂😂😂

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church-free-confession · 5 years

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Stress, Anxiety, and Self Destruction

I quit my job after working there for only 5 weeks because working with the public is very hard for me and im in the process of finding another job right now. I lashed out and hurt two of my friends earlier because im feeling stressed and trapped and awful and all i know how to do is hurt people.

ive tried so fucking hard to build and maintain these relationships and I can see now why Malia would never wanna date me because im a huge asshole who doesn’t know how to chill the fuck out.

my mom told me that i didn’t know what love was and that i couldnt have possibly actually loved my ex because i was controlling and mean. But i was controlling and mean because i loved them. I know that isn’t right, and its better off this way with us being separate but feelings make me fucking crazy and I turn into a person i dont want to be but being told that i didn’t actually love them just because i made bad choices that there fulled by anxiety and fear.

Basically im having a really hard time coping with growing up and being an adult and that manifests in me self destructing and ruining everything around me so that i can be taken care of and babied until i feel better again but i cant keep doing that forever because its not healthy for me or anyone around me and it really fucking sucks to be like this. I want to change so badly and I have to police myself so fucking closely to make sure that i either stop myself from hurting others or give a really sincere apology about the fuck up i made because actual genuine me doesnt want to hurt my friends or the people i love. It’s so frustrating having my first instinct be to ruin everything and isolate myself to the point where i get super fucking depressed. im so fucking sick of being mentally ill and i wish it would just fucking stop and that i could be normal.

i know thats stupid to say because its never going to happen and im always going to have to cope with anxiety and bouts of depression but i wish i could do it without blowing up my life once or twice a year. At some point the people in my life are going to get so annoyed that they just leave me and i dont want it to happen any sooner than its going to be anyway because no one sticks around forever. Especially not for someone like me. But in the meantime, i need to be the best person i can be and im finding it really difficult but maybe im just blowing it out of proportion because im a stupid fucking attention seeker.

Everything i do and say is all about getting me attention for as long as i can get it and its driving me fucking nuts. Im so fucking tired of everything being so complicated and dealing with emotions and hormones and whatever fucking chemical soup my brain is mixing up. Just fuck everything man, i just want to live and pet my cats and have cute tattoos and see my friends regularly and not be fucking tired and sad all the time. And when i do finally talk to someone i always want to downplay what im thinking or feeling in case im being dramatic or stupid or overreacting like im known for. Because i cant feel a single emotion without screaming and crying and acting like i know everything and that im the ruler of the god damn universe. I just want to sleep for a very long time and when i wake up i want everything to be okay. But it never will be because im a fucking emotional masochist and whenever im thriving or even just close to being okay i have to fuck something up so that im never quite there because then what would i have to fucking complain about and worry about and make people pay attention to me about. Its so fucking confusing because i dont want to be sick, being fucking mentally ill makes me feel like im going crazy but when im working through it and coping and doing well i freak out and dive deeper instead of continuing my climb out and its so fucking frustrating.

i need to see my fucking therapist.

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whollytaciturn · 6 years

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bout to go on a super petty rant bc im pissed off & my best friend is 1389 miles away and asleep so enfuckingjoy

my boyfriend gets this text at like 10am (hes gotta be to work at 11) and its from his manager Allie. And apparently one of the sales managers yelled at her today about something that went wrong that she was in charge of. she freaked out and started crying and told my boyfriend she was so upset and needed him there and didnt wanna do anything else without him there 🙃

so he texts her back saying ‘dont worry. i’ll be there i’m leaving here soon’ and then proceeds to jump off the couch, get ready in record time, and leave the house within 7 fucking minutes (I counted. sue me.) and is gone by like 10:30.

normally he sits and bitches about having to go in and doesnt even start to get ready until like 10:45. today there was no bitching after Allie texted him.

so normally he texts me throughout his day. hes assistant manager and just details cars. he has time in his day. and always has. i didnt get anything from him so i texted him at like 4pm and asked how everything went with the manager that yelled at allie (who he had to go talk to for her). nothing back for several hours. I finally get a reply at 7 saying it went fine and he’d tell me about it later. i asked if allie was okay and his answer to me is “she wasn’t until I got here” 🙃

he doesn’t text me the rest of the night. i finally get home and hug him and go “ooh you smell good” and his ass goes “that’s what allie said too” 🙃 🙃

he then tells me about how allie came running up to him and hugged him the second he got there 🙃 and then proceeded to follow him around all day because she only felt safe with him 🙃 🙃 and then she broke down and cried because she was so upset about the whole thing and he hugged her again and promised he wouldnt let anything happen to her 🙃 🙃 🙃

and then told me multiple times how she just wouldnt leave his side and she followed him ALLLLL day and how he told off the manager that yelled at her and promised her it would all be okay and he would make sure it never happened again 🙃 and that if anything ever happens when he’s not there she can call him and he’ll talk to them and that if he ever tries to yell at her while he’s there he’ll let them yell at him instead to protect her 🙃 🙃 and how she just kept saying “if you had been here with me I would’ve been okay” 🙃 🙃 🙃

why am I salty?

-he babies allie when she has her panic attacks. when I have panic attacks in front of him I get told I’m overreacting and I need to just calm down.

-he has told me multiple times this week how he hates everyone at work and hates people in general but hugging Allie is apparently something he does regularly without second thoughts (but rarely ever initiates hugs with me)

-he promises to protect her against someone yelling at her, but when I straight up told him I was being sexually harassed at work I got the “it’s your fault for not telling someone about it” and “what do you want me to do about it” and “quit complaining if you’re not gonna do anything about it” like okay you can defend Allie about this shit but when I needed your support I got blown off

-he literally rushed into work to ‘save’ her and immediately went and told off some guy for being mean to Allie. I get told that shits MY fault when I get into arguments with people and he takes their side and tells me I’m overreacting.

-He literally fucking told me that the manager said he had to yell at Allie because she kept arguing with him and being defensive even though she was technically in the wrong, but then made fucking excuses for her like “she was scared. it’s not her fault. she just reacted because he scared her” but my ass gets called overdramatic when I have a panic attack in public and he tells me to knock my shit off.

Like yes. I’m super fucking bitchy right now because I fucking can’t. I’m glad he got there and helped her out with her panic attack bc they’re super shitty and that manager was super in the wrong for yelling at her like he did.

HOW.EV.ER.

This assholes really gonna go baby some girl like this and then turn around and give me shit for most of the same things? like i am fucking. I cant. this is the man that hardly texts me because he doesnt like talking. that ‘doesnt get’ mental illness and always has to point out how I’m in the wrong when I get in arguments with people or shit happens to me. but when it happens to Allie he’s her savior.

🙃 . 🙃 . 🙃 .

#rant #petty af #dont even fucking care #boyfriend wants to be a dick #then be a dick #see if i fucking care #gonna go watch forensic files #you wanna fuck with me eh #try it fucker #see what happens #okay end rant #maybe #personal #go to sleep remmie

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uzzie02 · 7 years

Quote

My story This is me. This my life. A life filled with pains that have daggered my heart like a knife. A life where struggles have been common but to learn to always strive. Because people around the world have it worse and don't know if they'll get through the night. An average boy born and bred in London that grew up in a religious family, praise to the lord for that for I don't know where I would be, in this crazy dunya rebelling and trapped with all its calamities. But pressures, responsibilities mounted upon my shoulders way too unknowingly, all of a sudden I'm in secondary - drinking and smoking people were showing me. I remembered my loving mum and dad though, I remembered that I have the bandana of Islam that my heart holds, but somehow, somehow I would still get caught up in the tangles of growing up, made a few mistakes, but I had my barriers which I'd keep holding up. 15, enjoying youth then my parents broke my heart so quick, assuming I had a fucking girl, then made me phoneless for 2 years mentally so hit. Wondering why I wasn't strong enough to say that she was only my friend, one minute I check the time on my phone the next minute they say it's the end. I started losing weight alot, started to become so skinny, my family had alot to say 'bout that and their comments started to fill me. Suddenly I'm doing my A-levels which filled my head with nothing but stress, more eyes on me everytime I'm walking around fam everyday was like a test. With a house that became so small after my oldest brother got married, no room of my own, no privacy but patience is all I carried. Every night working on my future dreaming of going to uni, I put my sweat and tears to pull up my shit grades and turn it into a beauty. But suddenly my parents wanted to turn my UCAS to U can't, problems with the loans telling me the interest is haraam, I cried painful tears away in private, like what's the point of grinding with no purpose, dreams crushed and broken but my brother helped me so I couldn't hurt much. Begging to see his little bro happy and suceed so I'm fine, telling them he'd help me pay my fees just so I could grind then shine. Allah opened the doors on results day as I was full of relief, the happiness was way too real knowing I cried with grief. He blessed me with much more though, when I got a scholarship paying 3k, fam it felt like Allah was answering my calls and he opened up the way. And then I got to Uni, new people, new place, grateful for the friends that I met it was like I always knew their faces, and a guy whos like my brother thanked me for coming in his life, but i thank him more for helping me even without no signs. Built a unique special bond with a particular girl from day 1, my bestfriend, my soulmate with love and care thats all that she shone, doing me favours unconditionally, releasing her past pains so frequently, fam I opened up to her so easily, studying chemistry together we built that chemistry. She had the keys to things that I'd never even open up to, she somehow knew all the heavy hidden pains that I would run through. Fam pain and misery is all that ever warmed me at home, unimportant and disregarded but her words would strike a smile even through the phone. And somehow all my secret insecurities I have she made me somehow forget, those patches of depression suddenly began to get lesser and less. I didn't acknowledge that I had that type of love for her as if my mind had a grudge with my heart, fam i was so blind to it all even through every laugh. Then summer came and my life spiralled way out of control so madly, her dad she loved so much broke her heart and treated her like she weren't even family. Forced into a fuckin marriage fam that shit made me draw scars on my arm, triggered me with heavy depression fam shes someone I'd never wish harm, and man I realised too late she would be the one to complete my deen, the she told me she loved me more than anything hard to describe what i mean, life was getting to me mad things were changing more than I could ever be seeing. Her innocent lovely pure heart was getting shattered into pieces, and she saw me getting crippled into depression man it was getting more serious, but somehow she managed to soothe me and wipe my tears and hope is what she gave, this shit is deeper than just fuckin love man there's dreams that I've deeply engraved. Before you knew it the feelings grew man every pain i felt she'd worry, and whenever I'd be in need for the tiniest things she'd be the first to aid with much hurry. Her wedding came in a flash man my depression got worse and it crumbled my heart, its not a normal fuckin heartbreak fam it completely tore me apart. I couldn't even concentrate on simple things that I'd casually be doing, my head now hurts so fuckin much and my soul feel so ruined. Went to the doctors about my mental issues and they give me some pills, telling me ima need them as long as shes married fam inside i was killed. Went home that night lost about my position in life, drowning in my own tears bruv i was tired of crying, everyday I'm feeling shitter and I want time to go back, feeling to end my life with all this darkness I can't hack. Or should i start drawing on my arms again and let me bleed til im sore, as a means punishment as I hate myself more and more. And bare people telling me that I dont even need her to happy, but fam she had a different effect on me and I invested my heart so deeply how can that be. Man i utter her name more than my own when Im crying to my lord, I pray i can still be united with her even though my hopes are nomore. I pray i reunite in the gardens of heaven if this world hasn't got it written, but for now theres a deep scar in my life and it'll be a part of my living. More rhymes and words can flow in this painful spoken word, but this is my story so far, for now im tryna make things less worse. And im out.

TheSpokenInk

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