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Stress, Anxiety, and Self Destruction

I quit my job after working there for only 5 weeks because working with the public is very hard for me and im in the process of finding another job right now. I lashed out and hurt two of my friends earlier because im feeling stressed and trapped and awful and all i know how to do is hurt people. 

ive tried so fucking hard to build and maintain these relationships and I can see now why Malia would never wanna date me because im a huge asshole who doesn’t know how to chill the fuck out.

my mom told me that i didn’t know what love was and that i couldnt have possibly actually loved my ex because i was controlling and mean. But i was controlling and mean because i loved them. I know that isn’t right, and its better off this way with us being separate but feelings make me fucking crazy and I turn into a person i dont want to be but being told that i didn’t actually love them just because i made bad choices that there fulled by anxiety and fear. 

Basically im having a really hard time coping with growing up and being an adult and that manifests in me self destructing and ruining everything around me so that i can be taken care of and babied until i feel better again but i cant keep doing that forever because its not healthy for me or anyone around me and it really fucking sucks to be like this. I want to change so badly and I have to police myself so fucking closely to make sure that i either stop myself from hurting others or give a really sincere apology about the fuck up i made because actual genuine me doesnt want to hurt my friends or the people i love. It’s so frustrating having my first instinct be to ruin everything and isolate myself to the point where i get super fucking depressed. im so fucking sick of being mentally ill and i wish it would just fucking stop and that i could be normal. 

i know thats stupid to say because its never going to happen and im always going to have to cope with anxiety and bouts of depression but i wish i could do it without blowing up my life once or twice a year. At some point the people in my life are going to get so annoyed that they just leave me and i dont want it to happen any sooner than its going to be anyway because no one sticks around forever. Especially not for someone like me. But in the meantime, i need to be the best person i can be and im finding it really difficult but maybe im just blowing it out of proportion because im a stupid fucking attention seeker. 

Everything i do and say is all about getting me attention for as long as i can get it and its driving me fucking nuts. Im so fucking tired of everything being so complicated and dealing with emotions and hormones and whatever fucking chemical soup my brain is mixing up. Just fuck everything man, i just want to live and pet my cats and have cute tattoos and see my friends regularly and not be fucking tired and sad all the time.  And when i do finally talk to someone i always want to downplay what im thinking or feeling in case im being dramatic or stupid or overreacting like im known for. Because i cant feel a single emotion without screaming and crying and acting like i know everything and that im the ruler of the god damn universe. I just want to sleep for a very long time and when i wake up i want everything to be okay. But it never will be because im a fucking emotional masochist and whenever im thriving or even just close to being okay i have to fuck something up so that im never quite there because then what would i have to fucking complain about and worry about and make people pay attention to me about. Its so fucking confusing because i dont want to be sick, being fucking mentally ill makes me feel like im going crazy but when im working through it and coping and doing well i freak out and dive deeper instead of continuing my climb out and its so fucking frustrating. 

i need to see my fucking therapist. 

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Fantasies and Pornography

I’ve noticed recently that while i can read/watch any kind of porn when I go to write stuff of my own, because i am a writer, a lot of my go-to sexual scenarios are rape/CNC or some kind of incest. I don’t know why and i know most/all websites dont accept that kind of content on their platform which completely makes sense because its so easy to skew it as support for these things. To make it clear i in no way support ACTUAL rape and incest. (I support risk-aware consent-nonconsent scenes between two adults who have had proper communication) 

I think my interest in FICTIONAL incest is because of how taboo and well, icky, that it is. It’s some kind of forbidden romance. They arent supposed to but they just want it so bad. But there are so many other kinds of forbidden romance that i dont quite understand why my brain focuses on this type. 

I as a person am interested in extreme dom/sub BDSM situations and CNC fascinates me. It’s fictional rape because the person has consented to the sex acts performed. But the fear/other emotional reactions are quite real. The idea of someone getting off on that fear or healing from being in control of their own rape scenario is such an interesting piece of human psychology. 

I want to explore and examine these themes and ideas without judgment or without being shut down but i dont think thats going to happen. Again, i do not support actual, real rape or incest. It’s immoral and illegal for a reason. 

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Coping badly or badly coping?

when I'm mad at myself for something I did, I will starve myself

I dont have an eating disorder because I eat normally the rest of the time. But when I’m feeling bad emotionally I want my body to feel just as bad. I think it started as a way to train myself out of bad behaviors but now it's just a useless punishment that I do to myself because I'm an awful person whose life is wrought with bad things because I deserve it. 

I’m an objectively bad person who hurts everything i touch just by existing in this state. I’m basically useless in all definitions of the word. My mother doesnt even wat to pay for my college education because she thinks im too useless to be able to deal wth all the people and actually doing work. 

Im too sensative, too soft, too weak, to be part of the real world,. I’m pathetic. Broken. Better off dead. People would be hurt of i died. They love me. But am i worthy of the love i get i dont know. Considering i dont find it enough and constantly seek attention in any way that i can. Im an attention seeker. I post things on social media so that people pity me. I desperately crave attention and human constact but then lash out or ignore people because its too much. 

Im sick of being trapped in my head with only myself. 

#depression #self hatred #tw #trigger warning #self hate

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Why are their so many ugly lesbians???

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If you only look cute in selfies with filters youre ugly :::///

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I want to have sex but I want a relationship first but im not ready to be in a relationship cause I still miss my ex

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If ur trans but dont pass you shouldnt expect to be called the proper gender and pronouns. If ur a fugly looking trans woman who look like a man in a wig dont expect people to respect ur gender identity. Like, fuck outa here with that libral nonsense.

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I dont think ddlg is gross and im sorta into it. The whole cgl thing sounds interesting.

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I get turned on by incest between fictional characters

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lest’s play the “my mom gets mad at me whenever i  disagree with her” game

like, she said something and i guess im the bitch cause i couldnt tell she was joking? yeah okay 

Cause it’s always my fault that i cant take  a joke that wasnt even told. 

like oh im sorry i cant tell your joking considering all you ever do it critisize me and yell at me when we aren’t in 100% agreement

like, have you ever considered that your just not funny? 

like, mom, i never laugh at your jokes because they aren’t even jokes. Theyre not funny. You aren’t funny. And i you laugh at shit that isn’t even funny so i get why you think your lack of actual humor is humor but of my gooooooddddd. 

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my crush is having relationship trouble and I feel bad because I don't want them upset but if that means I get to spend even more time with them I'm excited about that. Their GF isn't even that cute, she isn't even that nice, and all she does is guilt them into comforting her when they should be having an actual conversation. 

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me: i am the dommest dom to ever dom 

also me: *is a complete pillow princess and power bottom*

#not sexual #please dont message me about this post

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thinking you're more important to someone than you actually are is the best way to kill yourself

finding out they treat everyone the way they treat you

#cant believe i thought i was special to you #god im an idiot #i wish i could get over you

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stop pretending that you want me

#fuck you #why are you doing this #just stop

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I'm also fucking sick of you flirting with me when I know it doesn't mean anything. You know I'm polyamorous and you know I have a crush on you so stop being such a huge asshole and flirting and hinting toward us getting together. 

I know you only see me as a friend so why are you being so cruel? 

is it really that fun to watch me blush and squirm? is it worth it, because I'm here to fucking tell you that you're just an asshole and I don't know why im doing this to myself. 

It would be so fucking easy to just block you on everything and not respond to your text but I would miss you. cause even a few minutes without you feels like forever and you don't even fucking deserve me. 

but what the fuck do I deserve? because nothing ever seems to be good enough for me and then assholes like you come along and make me feel good and you make me love you and then you rip my heart out because i was never what you wanted. or you only wanted so much of me. and you are my best friend and im not good enough for you. 

#fuck you

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I don't want to hear about what you and your friends did. I get you are just trying to include me in your life but I don't want to hear about how much fun you're having with someone who isn't me. 

I get jealous and stupid when you bring up other people. and I get you think it's funny and I've never told you to stop but it isn't funny when you call me pathetic. me having unrequited crushes on all my friends isn't funny, it is pathetic and sad and I don't deserve your condescending word choice making fun of me. 

me not having any friends isn't a cute quirk. it isn't something you should be laughing about. I'm so fucking lonely okay?? I'm so lonely and my best friend, you, are treating it like its a joke. it isn't a fucking joke and I'm not exaggerating. I don't have anyone who thinks of me as their friend. I don't have anyone that would come running for me. 

so fuck you, fuck your friends, and fuck your girlfriend. 

you aren't better than me cause you have those things and I'm not pathetic because I don't. and I'd appreciate a bit of fucking support once in a while. 

#fuck you

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me, a sad pathetic baby: i have a crush on all my friends and im upset because i know none of them feel the same way and 4/5 of them are in relationships. my best friend and i joke about dating all the time and it honeslty hurts every time but the joke is the closest im going to get.